#and i cant cook for shit cooking requires so much time to procress it first and the actual cooking requires so much energy and there are

[thedarknessthatloveindespite]

today was such a good morning u know. i had slept. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP N ALL. i even got up and got breakfast for me n my mom. I ATE. I CLEANED THE DISHES I USED. i even changed out of the shirt i was wearing for over a week! very productive. wait omg i forgot to mention. I ACTUALLY REALLY HAD PUT MOMS CLOTHS THAT WERE DONE IN THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE DRYER. I have to say. forgetting everything else, this is such a phenomenal act for me. it’s like fcking idk a meodorite fallen down. ITS A REALLY BIG THING. doing that is soooo hard for me. and i always have an immediate ‘no’ body reaction to the whole act but i didnt just fall into it. i like. toook a moment, you know and actually accessed it. and ! literally tho if mom told me i had to put some clothes in the dryer that would have been too much for me

BUT

anyways. i literally fcking did it. fcking hells

ANYWAYS it really was such a good morning day you know. baby steps!!!! and yeah u know i really do know that i dont do enough as i should etc. i really do know. its just really frustating how my mom doesnt see anything of this tho. yeah she needed someone to go n get the glasses and im really sorry for her but going outside was literally too much of a hurdle for me to just do. especially on short notice. like. really. my mind cant even think of trying it. visualling it

#mostly really im sad its so tiring n exhausting every time my mom lectures me on how much im not doing as if i dont know that i really do #i cant even say anything to her or try to explain what it’s like #because she really believes i just need to have the mentality. i just need to try #she never fails in these never ending lectures to word out EVERYTHNG like literally. its so fcking exhausting #and she wonders why i get sooo silent why im sooo uncooperative and translates that into im a lazy ass n dont care #n u know what. frankly dont care that she does #honestly every time i hear these lectures it makes me NOT want to try at all. even harder. goddamn it #its kinda crazy with me and my mom because we are SO diff and she doesnt understand me one bit at all #like she despite chronic pain etc does so much #while she sees me barely doing shit and of course thinks im lazy/dont care #and most baffling thing: IM making myself depressed??? this thing that she says really infuriates me so bad #like why the fck r u on about. what the fck do u mean making self depressed. im so mad because shes wrong on so many levels #idk if im depressed. mild? yes i think so anyways what the fck #the fact she believes that people MAKE THEMSLEVES DEPRESSED AS IF THEY WANT TO is so ma #like shut up im not eating for an entire day because i want to do that its cuz i cant eat foods my brain decides it doesnt want to #and i cant cook for shit cooking requires so much time to procress it first and the actual cooking requires so much energy and there are #steps i dont even know. #like fck u #anyways. yeah. really i get where shes coming from but every fcking time she starts on those lectures i really really dont want to do a fck #ng thing NOT AT ALL #like honestly. a part of me dies every time i hear a lecture and have to sufffer thro it cuz i fcking cant get her to shut up and yeah i ge #her frustating very valid #but fcking hells. im so tired n done at this point #like might as well be a fcking lazy shitass as she says