#like she despite chronic pain etc does so much

[thedarknessthatloveindespite]

today was such a good morning u know. i had slept. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP N ALL. i even got up and got breakfast for me n my mom. I ATE. I CLEANED THE DISHES I USED. i even changed out of the shirt i was wearing for over a week! very productive. wait omg i forgot to mention. I ACTUALLY REALLY HAD PUT MOMS CLOTHS THAT WERE DONE IN THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE DRYER. I have to say. forgetting everything else, this is such a phenomenal act for me. it’s like fcking idk a meodorite fallen down. ITS A REALLY BIG THING. doing that is soooo hard for me. and i always have an immediate ‘no’ body reaction to the whole act but i didnt just fall into it. i like. toook a moment, you know and actually accessed it. and ! literally tho if mom told me i had to put some clothes in the dryer that would have been too much for me

BUT

anyways. i literally fcking did it. fcking hells

ANYWAYS it really was such a good morning day you know. baby steps!!!! and yeah u know i really do know that i dont do enough as i should etc. i really do know. its just really frustating how my mom doesnt see anything of this tho. yeah she needed someone to go n get the glasses and im really sorry for her but going outside was literally too much of a hurdle for me to just do. especially on short notice. like. really. my mind cant even think of trying it. visualling it

#mostly really im sad its so tiring n exhausting every time my mom lectures me on how much im not doing as if i dont know that i really do #i cant even say anything to her or try to explain what it’s like #because she really believes i just need to have the mentality. i just need to try #she never fails in these never ending lectures to word out EVERYTHNG like literally. its so fcking exhausting #and she wonders why i get sooo silent why im sooo uncooperative and translates that into im a lazy ass n dont care #n u know what. frankly dont care that she does #honestly every time i hear these lectures it makes me NOT want to try at all. even harder. goddamn it #its kinda crazy with me and my mom because we are SO diff and she doesnt understand me one bit at all #like she despite chronic pain etc does so much #while she sees me barely doing shit and of course thinks im lazy/dont care #and most baffling thing: IM making myself depressed??? this thing that she says really infuriates me so bad #like why the fck r u on about. what the fck do u mean making self depressed. im so mad because shes wrong on so many levels #idk if im depressed. mild? yes i think so anyways what the fck #the fact she believes that people MAKE THEMSLEVES DEPRESSED AS IF THEY WANT TO is so ma #like shut up im not eating for an entire day because i want to do that its cuz i cant eat foods my brain decides it doesnt want to #and i cant cook for shit cooking requires so much time to procress it first and the actual cooking requires so much energy and there are #steps i dont even know. #like fck u #anyways. yeah. really i get where shes coming from but every fcking time she starts on those lectures i really really dont want to do a fck #ng thing NOT AT ALL #like honestly. a part of me dies every time i hear a lecture and have to sufffer thro it cuz i fcking cant get her to shut up and yeah i ge #her frustating very valid #but fcking hells. im so tired n done at this point #like might as well be a fcking lazy shitass as she says

[bunniekittiee]

Bi-Han x Fem. Reader (as well as general headcanons)

Alright alright the Bi-Han headcanons was a success so ykw I’ll bless you all again. Also this is my depiction of Bi-Han so if you think I can tweak it and make it better then by all means let me know!

CW: mentions of eating problems, anxiety, illness, chronic illness, a little nsfw, nothing too crazy

Hair combing is an intimate ordeal.

He does not let anyone else touch his hair besides himself and you. He trusts you completely to comb his hair and even put it up for him.

He thinks you do it better than him, but he can manage it himself if needed.

He sighs with relief when his hair is let down, feeling his s/o’s fingers gently massage his aching scalp. It feels so good to him, he loves it.

Bi-Han does like the quietness. Especially after a long day of Grandmaster duties and irritation.

So if it is quiet during this time, he can close his eyes and almost fall asleep as you caress his hair and take care of him.

Sometimes he has fallen asleep when you are doing this.

If you were to ask Bi-Han to bathe together, he would silently go insane for a second and then agree.

Despite seeing you naked more than often, it still gives him butterflies in different scenarios that isn’t inherently sexual. Such as bathing.

He thinks you are beautiful, do not ever be negative about yourself around Bi-Han because he will immediately worry.

If you are worried about gaining weight, he is already overthinking that you will stop eating.

So instead, Bi-Han gently encourages you to train with the other Lin Kuei if you feel that you want to lose weight or prevent yourself from gaining weight.

No, he does not think you are fat at all, do not twist his words.

But Bi-Han is the type of man to give you solutions to help you but not in a rude way.

He just tries to encourage and give you options.

He will also suggest yoga with Kuai Liang. Kuai Liang usually meditates, but he will divulge himself in yoga for you if you are interested.

He does not like to see you sad or upset about your self image. It makes him feel helpless.

Bi-Han can handle a physical threat because he can eliminate it, but when it is a mental threat such as self image issues, depression, etc., Bi-Han finds himself unable to see straight.

Out of his brothers, I see Bi-Han struggling with some anxiety.

Like I said in my previous headcanons, Bi-Han worries for his s/o because she is his weakness. If anyone were to take her away from him, he would practically engulf everything in a blizzard.

I see Bi-Han having anxiety about his brothers as well, whether they are safe or going to be okay.

As much as Bi-Han shuns Smoke, he still worries for him. Smoke is the ‘baby’ of them all, and if he were to see him in any form of pain, he is already wanting to murder the person who inflicted it upon him.

That being said, if you have any sort of health issues that will literally send Bi-Han over the edge.

He is constantly having the medics check you over and he will be riddled with so much anxiety he will stop eating and sleeping well.

God forbid you have a chronic illness or anything at all, at that point Bi-Han will just have an aneurysm.

As tough as his exterior is, Bi-Han can be sensitive.

Please do not call him names, he doesn’t even do that to you and it will hurt his feelings.

He will distance himself and feel melancholy until you apologize. He doesn’t like it when you are rude or mean to him.

As I mentioned in my other previous headcanons, he does get snappy himself so he knows that he is a bit of a hypocrite.

If you were to communicate your feelings to him, whether it is your frustrations, sadness, or anger, he will understand and try his best to relax you and make you feel better.

You do the same for him, so it’s time that he repays that favor.

Bi-Han can be extremely busy with his duties and he knows you hate being cooped up for so long.

So he will allow Smoke and Kuai Liang to take you out, whether that’s for a walk or to Madame Bo’s, Bi-Han just wants to make sure you are happy.

I don’t know where people got the “jealous of my brothers being around my s/o” belief from, but Bi-Han trusts his brothers completely.

He has to, they go into battle and on quests together, they have to deeply trust each other and have a strong bond with one another.

So he lets his brothers take you out, he does not get jealous of that. They would never do anything to you, and Bi-Han knows it is completely out of character for them to do anything in the first place.

So yes, he lets you go out with his brothers and enjoy your time together when he is busy.

Again, he knows you get cooped up and he wants you to have some freedom.

His brothers love that you have somewhat changed Bi-Han but in a good way.

He is somewhat nicer to Smoke and refrains from telling him he is not part of their family. Last time he did, you gave him the absolute worst glare that even Kuai Liang felt his stomach turn.

Bi-Han is gentle as possible with you. His hands have killed and hurt many, he would hate to inflict the same pain on you.

You are like a flower to him, a delicate and precious lively being.

You have softened Bi-Han in many ways, and many appreciate what you have done.

#mk bi han #bi han #bi han x reader #bi han x you #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat #mk1 2023 #mk1 #mk sub zero #mk smoke #mk scorpion #bi han headcanon #bi han sub zero #bi han mk #bi han x y/n

[fulgurbugs]

OT 1 & 2 headcanons? Doesn't have to be about the main parties, whatever goes.

ok ok here we go, gonna use yours as the OT2 HC ask bestie

gonna throw up here an OT2 spoilers warning cuz of endgame stuff

First some throné ones because i have throné on the brain.

first off i think after her story is over she never wears a necklace like basically ever again. she does love dressing up, feeling cute, but no matter how well a necklace would go with her outfit she won’t add one. it’s just part of her newfound freedom that she can choose never to have anything around her neck like that ever again. all other jewelry tho… she’s got a lot of options to pick from for earrings, bracelets, and rings etc (that she’s most certainly not paid for)

also, i feel like Hikari and Throné, after everything with vide coming to the conclusion that they are actually distantly related to each other, have some kind of exchange where it’s like. “ok wait so im your like great great how many greats aunt or something” uhhh like a couple times removed or whatever. and at first its like weird to think about but they both have such like. idk. throne found out that her family was actually huge and extensive, and all of them were killing each other. her biological father is a monster. she was born to be a monster herself. her relationship with the concept of “family” is extremely strange; the man she considered closest to her actual father was a horribly abusive person but despite all that she was the closest thing he had, and he was her half-brother. Hikari’s family has a curse upon it directly related to being descended from D’arquest, and it’s been nothing but pain for him as well, causing him to lose control of himself, constantly worried he’ll hurt the people he cares about. his brother was a monster in a whole different way, and his dad, while appointing him rightful successor, spent most of his life as a warmonger as well. His mother is dead. his brother and father are dead. he’s lost ritsu, who at one point was like a brother to him. his own relationship with the idea of his family is not… good, in any case. i think they come to find some sort of solace in each other in that, after realizing they’re actually related. they’ve already come to travel with each other and trust each other… i like to think they decide they should just hand wave all the technicalities of how distantly they’re related and how weird the family tree would look and just go with a catch all “we’re cousins” or something.

Castti, while getting her memories back about what happened immediately prior to the events of the game, still struggles with remembering most of her life. it’s not something she really fully recovers from. she never remembers the faces of her parents, or if she had any siblings, her childhood, things like that. sometimes when she gets a flash of something, a glimmer of a skill she had no idea she was well-practiced in, or a remembered fact she can’t recall where she read it, she still finds herself troubled. she basically has to re-invent herself. still, she gets by with a quiet determination to always do right, with the knowledge that she at the very least, knows who she is now, in the present.

ok sillay ones….

Post game partitio starts picking up the guitar. i like to think once he gets good enough he records a song with agnea for the gramophone :P. also, temenos used to play the piano, but he’s out of practice (that one cleric in flamechurch is much better and actually wants to play it much more). he could pick it up again tho with a little practice

oh also ochette is a chronic unpeeled fruit mucher. she’ll just straight up bite into an orange and be like. “i see why some people don’t like the crust but i don’t mind it.” castti and osvald tails gets trolled face

#octopath #octopath traveler 2 spoilers

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

personal rant (tw chronic pain, chronic illness)

i don't normally post stuff like this on here at all because i love keeping this space here just for fun fandom stuff, but today has just been so unbelievably shit and i feel like i just need to scream into the void about it for a moment to try and process.

basically, me and my sister had vip tickets to meet and see this band today who's incredibly special to us. they were a total lifeline for us when we were growing up, but we never got the chance to see them live. in august when we finally got these tickets over ten years after we both started listening to them, we were both over the MOON. it was such a special moment for us, but also felt like such a milestone because both of us have been through so much since we were those kids sitting in my room finding so much solace in this band's music together. it felt like such a significant thing to be going to see them all these years later, having overcome so much and both of us being in places now that we never thought we could get to.

anyway, fast track to today and i woke up in excruciating pain. some of you might know that i have some issues with various chronic illnesses/pain already, and one of the conditions i have is endometriosis. for anyone who doesn't know, it's an incurable condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb grows outside the womb and causes chronic pelvic pain, fatigue, and a whole bunch of other fun symptoms. but it's biggest symptom, for me anyway, is the WORST period pain you can imagine. like, no medications can touch it, passed out on the floor for hours, screaming in agony kind of pain. i've lived with it for over half my life now and yes, obviously it affects me - but also i've got pretty good at learning how to manage it, and i have it down to like. a day or two per month where i'm incapacitated by pain rather than half the days. some months i don't get days like that at all now. i wouldn't say i feel good - a lot of the time i'm in pain and on painkillers/carrying around a hot water bottle with me when i'm at home etc - but i'm like. mostly functional. it hurts, but when it does, usually these days i can push through it when i really need to (even if that makes it worse later).

but today? today of all days, i woke up with the most excruciating pain i've had probably all year. i couldn't see or move enough to reach out to my bedside table and take my painkillers, let alone think of getting on a train and going to a gig. it's been over twelve hours and i'm only now able to sit up enough to watch stuff on my laptop for comfort and type this out (and i'm still in a lot of pain). of course my sister had to go to the gig without me, because there was just no way i could physically move to get there. and i'm just feeling so shit because although of course she was lovely about it, she was so nervous about going by herself and also really sad we couldn't go together, and i feel so much like i've let her down and that my body hasn't just ruined this incredibly special thing for me but also for her.

i generally try not to dwell on the stuff i can't do because i've learnt that it's NOT helpful, and it doesn't change anything anyway. i'm used to missing things i want to go to and not being able to see friends sometimes, working and having no energy left to do anything but sleep at the weekends. and most of the time it's okay, i've kind of made my peace with it. but on days like today i just feel so sad about it, all the things i don't get to do - especially things like this which are such special, once in a lifetime kind of opportunities. i know i shouldn't really complain because on the whole i've been really lucky with the things i've got to do despite my condition - i think this is the first time in a good five years or so that it's caused me to miss going to something really big like this, and i've got to go and see so many wonderful bands over that time. but this one... they're just such a special one to me and to my sister, and it feels like such a loss. and it just brings home how much this condition really does affect me - i've got pretty good at downplaying it over the years, but it's days like today where i'm like, no actually. this is awful and there's nothing i can do about it. which is a really scary kind of position to be in.

i don't even really know what the purpose of this post was other than to just let some of that out. normally i'd speak to my sister about it because she understands it the most, but i didn't want to let her see how upset i was about not being able to go because i still wanted her to have the best time possible and not be worrying about me. anway yeah, sorry to anyone who's read all the way through this, i know it's long and rambly and super negative. usually i'm able to take this kind of thing in my stride, but today it just really got me and i just feel so sad and defeated. i know in a few days it won't loom so big, and there are other wonderful things on the horizon that i'll get to do - but yeah. for today, i think i just need to let myself feel sad.

#i am at least finally feeling physically a little better this evening #i have been comfort watching some of my favourite shows and i have my trusty hot water bottle #so i'll be okay #and shouting all that out into the void helped a little too #i'm going to get up and make some hot chocolate when my next lot of painkillers kick in and watch the new doctor who #anyway i'll stop rambling now #thanks to anyone who read and listened 💗 #i feel like not everyone gets how important bands can be to someone #but i know you all understand that here 💜 #chronic illness #chronic pain #endometriosis #lulu posts

[cannotfly]

fogg's insane asylum for lunatic women.

disclaimer.

i am not a historian, just a girl whose had an interest in historical mental institutions for almost as long as i've loved this musical. as time has gone on, however, i've become more and more upset with the portrayal of fogg's asylum. the movie presents it as some kind of crack house filled with mad women ( all arranged by hair color? ) reaching out and grabbing at whoever comes by. the musical doesn't do much better. while what anthony said about fogg's isn't far off as to what the general public would think about them, "she's trapped in these with all those screeching, gibbering maniacs!" that's not exactly the case. i have been putting together headcanons about fogg's asylum for several months now. i've done extensive research on actual patients, i've read books, etc.

much of this is based on ten days in a madhouse by nellie bly. bly was a reporter in the later 19th century who was assigned to go undercover in a mental institution and report back with what she found. her expose can be found online as a pdf. the language isn't complicated, especially for the 19th century, and while it is a hard read at some points, i very much recommend it. bly interviews the patients and victims of abuse and learns their story. while some of the language is very much of the time, she actually understands the brutalities of a victorian mental asylum.

because of the nature of mental hospitals during the 1840s and johanna as a character, be warned that this meta goes over some very difficult topics such as: abuse of all kinds, torture, eating disorders, period sexism, mental subjects, miscarriages, menstruation, trauma, sexual abuse, illness, drugs, drug withdrawals and chronic pain. due to the length of this meta, i will put individual warnings over each section.

i will be adding onto this meta as i learn more. i don't know everything and there are some sections that likely reflect that. please bare with me as i learn. i do not condone the period attitudes towards women or those who are mentally ill during this time.

many thanks to darks for helping me figure out some details. thank you to misto and jasmine for your support and from keeping me from loosing my mind. thank you to so many of my good friends for supporting me as i wrote this.

despite my sometimes dry tone, keep in mind that this is a century different from our own. they did not have the resources and technology and research that we do know. they were doing the best they could with what we had. this does not excuse their abuse, but it does shed light on why some of treatments were the way they were. i want to give justice to a fictional mental hospital as best as i can. without further ado, fogg's insane asylum for lunatic women.

word count from this point: 6,980

introduction.

warnings for period typical sexism throughout this entire section.

ladies in their sensitivities, my lord / have a fragile sensibility / when a girl's emergent / probably it's urgent / you defer to her gentility - ladies in their sensitivities, sw.eeney t.odd: the d.emon ba.rber of f.leet street

women are often referred to as the fairer sex. the more vulnerable and emotional roughly half of humanity. it should come as no surprise that women made up most of the population of bethlem royal hospital, more often known as bedlam. it's not often you hear of a lunatic asylum made specifically for men, is it? more often there are strictly female asylums or the men and the women are separated into two different wings or even two separate buildings both managed under the same people. bedlam was meant to hold 120 patients, however, overcrowding was a frequent problem of the institution and there were many more patients on the waiting list. because of this long waiting list and the overcrowding at london's most (in)famous insane asylum, most hospitals popped up in and around the city. fogg's insane asylum for lunatic women among them.

fogg's was initially founded by dr. john fogg to compensate for the large amount of the mentally ill ( and homeless and unwanted wives and disabled people ) in london. fogg's is located a few miles west of london, just on the outskirts. this is pivotal since if there is ever an escape, it is dangerous for everyone involved if one of the patients gets into the city. this way, they won't be able to directly find their way into trouble and the police have a better chance at finding them. though this was mostly for the comfort of the citizens of london, who weren't exactly keen on the idea of a madperson running about their neighborhoods.

dr. fogg's son, alfred was the superintendent of the asylum. he was a businessman, not a doctor and introduced ideas to make a profit. this includes selling the inmate's hair. he left most of the dirty work to the doctors, nurses and other staff. doctors weren't willing to put up with the harsh conditions of the asylum and slowly slipped away, which alfred hardly noticed. he died a rich man.

jonas fogg was the nephew of mr. albert fogg. seeing the problems within the madhouse, he began visiting other asylums. this gave him brighter ideas to institutionalize fogg's. the patients would follow a schedule. the patients would be in uniforms. the patients would be divided into different wards accordingly. despite all these changes, jonas fogg is still a mortal man. he doesn't mind the sound of coins jiggling in his pocket. he kept the practice of selling hair, seeing to it himself to make sure that money went straight into the palm of his hand.

judge phillip turpin and jonas fogg met briefly at a pub. mr. fogg not being a stupid man made an agreement with the judge: if judge turpin is to sentence any insane woman, let him send her to fogg's insane asylum for lunatic women. into fogg's humble and loving care. judge turpin agreed and so began their arrangement.

entering.

warnings for period-typical sexism and medical topics.

"i found her! i found johanna! that monster of a judge has locked her away in fogg's asylum. oh, mr. todd she's in there with those gibbering, screeching maniacs!" -anthony h.ope, s.weeney to.dd: the dem.on b.arber of fl.eet s.treet

it is not uncommon to come across some wide-eyed, mysterious woman who seems to be distant from this reality and it is not uncommon for such a woman to find her way into an insane asylum such as fogg's. these poor, mad women need help. ( and they need to get off of society's perfectly straight cobblestone streets. )

reasons for being admitted included, but were not limited to:

learning disabilities

menopause

"domestic trouble"

women doing into debt and unable to recover from the trauma of that

asthma

blindness

deafness

postpartum depression

mental breakdowns

down syndrome

they were sexually abused

they were trying to go to a workhouse, but ended up here

being suicidal

violence

self-harm

grief

sex/sexual dysfunction

fancied other men than her husband

if you come across a woman that fits the description above, please contact the police immediately. they understand what to do in this situation. a judge may see to them and they will have the poor, mad soul seen before a doctor who will ask a series of questions. a standard questionnaire may include questions such as:

"what drugs are you taking?"

"are you married?"

"have you participated in any sex work?" ( although, in a much more dignified manner )

"where are you from?"

"is this your first fit?" ( meaning: is this the first time you've made everyone think you're a lunatic? )

"how old are you?"

"what do you do for a living?"

"how much money do you have?"

the doctor will examine the throat and tongue at this point. once the doctor deems her insane, the police will wait with the woman until an ambulance can arrive for her to take her away. one of the police officers will accompany her as well as a doctor who arrived with the vehicle. the doctor will do his best to soothe and ask any more necessary questions.

once arrived at fogg's, two men will be there to assist the patient inside where she will sit through another examination preformed by a doctor. he will ask similar questions to the ones above. he will examine her lungs and heart. the patient will be lead to a long hallway to be seated next to her fellow patients. thus begins her long stay at fogg's.

johanna experienced a slightly different experience getting inside. after turpin confronted her about her plans to slope with anthony, bamford had to drag her out of the house kicking and screaming as she frantically tried to get away. she was supposed to marry anthony on monday. instead, she was shoved and locked into a carriage as she frantically tried to find a way out of it. inside was bamford as her police escort and a doctor inside that she did not learn the name of. she was dragged inside by bamford and another member of fogg's security. after a brief examination which she tried frantically to escape from and had it not been for bamford's hand on her knee, she thinks she would've been able to get away, she was put into solitary confinement for the night.

solitary confinement is a common punishment in prisons and has been since what may as well be the dawn of time. humans are naturally social creatures and don't do well on their own. to be separated from any human connection can have devastating psychological effects on the human mind. this was also a common punishment at insane asylums. johanna was put into a white, windowless, padded room with a stiff board for a bed and no one around to hear her frantic pleas for help. she was allowed out in the morning. that long, sleepless night was only the beginning of her stay.

daily schedule.

"for i know the plans i have for you, declares the lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - jeremiah 29:11

this old testament verse was written by jeremiah. in this chapter, jeremiah tells the jews in babylon to prepare for seventy years of captivity, but is a verse known for its hope and comfort; to realize that suffering has an end. this verse was inscribed to the front of fogg's asylum as a way to bring an idea that the suffering would end.

johanna thought it was ironic.

she wasn't far off: most women who were sent to fogg's didn't make it out alive.

however, she wouldn't see it until after she was let out of solitary. at about 5:30am, two nurses stomped into the cell. before johanna could realize what was happening, they stripped all of her clothes off, threw a uniform at her feet and left with the demand that she get dressed. johanna could only stand there in silence for a few months, unable to grasp what had happened. this was a different kind of vulnerability. with the judge, there was a hole in the wall. she had seen his eye peering through it. but these were women who fought against her weak protests and left her cold and naked. slowly, she began to pull on each of the layers:

a pair of holey stockings

an underskirt of coarse, dark cotton that fell about six feet longer than the actual dress

a cheap, stained, white calico cotton dress that tied with strings around the waist and fell into a straight skirt

asylums tried to be as self-sufficient as possible which meant the patients themselves sewed the uniforms. it is difficult to imagine allowing people who might be at risk of self-harm or have suicidal tendencies to be allowed with scissors and sewing needles. this was greatly overlooked or ignored.

once johanna dressed, the nurses returned to bring her to join a long line of the other patients. they stood two-by-two. each woman wiped her arms and face down with a wet rag before passing it to the next one --- even ones with skin rashes shared their rags with women with perfectly healthy skin. johanna got lucky and got her rag after a healthy woman, but watched in horror as others were not as lucky.

benches were brought in by the nurses. once the patient was done with their rag, they sat down when a nurse would begin to yank through their hair with a rough comb. johanna again tried to run away from the scene, but joined her fellow unlucky women to be met with the comb. however, one of the other nurses stopped the one with the raised comb at her hair. johanna's hair was obviously much healthier than the other's and could catch a hefty price for it --- and perhaps, if they were the ones to tell mr. fogg about this, he might allow them to get some of the cut when the wigmaker came in next. before the nurse could continue combing ( albeit, much more gentle ), johanna politely requested for them just to braid it instead, which was a rare instance of a wish being granted during her stay.

johanna was then rushed to another bench where she waited next to the other patients in complete silence. talking would get their ears smacked, as she quickly learned. they got back into lines of two-by-two before gathering into the breakfast hall.

breakfast consisted of:

a bowl of cold tea

slice of buttered bread, though buttered bread would be given upon request

saucer of gruel

food was almost entirely uneatable. the bread was black and hard. the butter made one's stomach upset. the tea was more of pink color. the gruel was the closest thing to actual food provided, but was mushy and didn't sit well.

despite how terrible the food was, the patients devoured it. they learned to be desperate as this could be taken away from them as a form of punishment. johanna looked away from her food for a second, needing a moment to close her eyes, but when she looked back her bowl and saucer were empty.

once breakfast was over, the nurses struggled to gather the appropriate wards back together and trudge back to their rooms. again, it is important to remember that the asylums tried to be as self-sufficient as possible. this meant the patients also preformed the daily chores. they were given assignments by nurses which included:

sweeping

dusting

making beds

at times, closing the windows

johanna was not raised to be this self-sufficient. she knew how to clean her room at home and the birdcage, but she swept in a confused haze and at a much slower pace than the other patients, something the nurses scolded her for.

once chores were done, they were served a weak and foul cup of tea. this was the most nourishment johanna had that morning. this was around 10am. new patients, such as johanna, were lead to yet another appointment with a doctor. she pleaded her case. she was not insane. she was not her mother. but to no avail. the doctor listened to her heart and to her lungs. he asked a few questions in between flirting with the nurse. the nurse measured her ( 155.58cm or 5'1" and a quarter ) then the nurse told her to get on a scale. this caused johanna to panic and make another attempt at the door. the doctor called for some assistance from the nurses in the hall, who eventually got her on the scale. the doctor said her weight loud and clear for her. after a few more questions and another look at her tongue and throat, she was escorted back to the room.

once tea was over, nurses passed out moth-eaten shawls and white straw hats. arranged into their typical two-by-two pattern, they set out on their daily walk around the premises.

this was one of the best ways to peak at the other patients in other wards at the hospital, but one stood out in particular: a group of patients tied at the waist with a nurse leading them up front. this was hall nine. that ward was located in a separate building than the rest of the asylum, having been built during alfred fogg's reign to be used as a better infirmary. instead alfred made the decision to house the most dangerous and most suicidal patients there. more on them later.

at noon, everyone was gathered back into the cafeteria. dinner's food included fish boiled in water and soup that was more broth than vegetables or meat.

after dinner, the patients gathered into a sitting room with long benches that had no backs. johanna was confused at first when nothing happened other than sitting, but when a patient dared to whisper about how uncomfortable the benches were, a nurse was quick to smack her ear.

from one to three pm, these mentally unstable, stable, or somewhere in between patients were forced to sit on hard, backless benches, doing nothing. as nellie bly said, it would make any sane person go mad. or any insane person go further insane.

the head cook for the staff would bring the nurses fresh fruits and dried delicacies for the nurses to snack on while all the patients could do were try to ignore their grumbling stomachs as they looked on, knowing there was good food, but they wouldn't serve it to them.

by 3:30 pm, patients were once again gathered into the dining hall for a brief snack of gruel. after this, it was back to their rooms where the nurses would put to work on sewing projects. johanna was rather good at this as she'd been sewing all of her life and masted how to make her own undergarments, nightgowns and could make a basic dress. it was mindless, quiet work, though johanna was used to it. the nurses, however, did not like it when she hummed to herself.

5:30 pm meant it was time for supper. dinner was usually a main course of some sort of meat such as mutton or beef and potatoes served with a side of limp vegetables or sour fruit like prunes and buttered bread, though unbuttered bread would be given upon request. just like with any of the meals, any food was fought for. sick patients couldn't stomach the food. healthy patients became sick from it.

evenings could be the most pleasant time of the day if the nurses were in a good mood. there was a piano in one of the rooms which the patients would gather around and request that other patients play it for them. once her fellow patients learned she could sing, johanna was frequently requested, which she obliged to. lullabies were usually what the patients wanted to hear. in some wards, there might even be little dances which the male doctors would join them for. the evenings were a time to feel like normal people again, enjoying the little entertainments that they used to before they had stepped foot inside fogg's.

at eight pm one bath nights which were once a week , patients were filed into bathroom, which was quite literally a bathroom. a large room filled with tubs for the patients. they were ordered to strip their clothes off.

johanna refused to. her body had been seen by too many people already, something she should have the ability of only giving that to whoever she trusted. the judge, the nurses, the doctors, everyone. she felt sick at the thought of all of these patients seeing her so exposed as well.

the nurses did not put up with this. they forcefully stripped her down as they had that morning. johanna quietly wiped away her tears of shock.

the water was ice-cold and murky from the dirt of the patients who used it before her. baths were only allowed once a week. the water was not changed between patients. the nurses would cruelly scrub away at the skin with a small piece of soap that somehow felt dirty. this soap was used on the face and the hair, as well. her skin went from turning blue from the temperature of the water to bright red as the nurse scrubbed. another nurse poured a bucket of freezing water over her head to get her hair. johanna was yanked out of the tub and another nurse shoved a thin shift over her while she was still dripping wet.

it was necessary to settle in for the night as soon as possible. however, it was nearly impossible to catch a wink of rest. night nurses would come in every half and hour, they would loudly gossip to their co-workers, their heels clacked against the floor. johanna could hear a group of night nurses talking about her one night. but it wasn't only the nurses who kept her up.

the other patients, for the most part, weren't mentally well in some capacity. they were deemed insane by victorian standards, though by today they suffered from depression, anxiety, another mental illness, some sort of trauma, etc. there was one old woman who shouted about murder and getting the police all night. another begged for god to let her die. one claimed to dream of her mother taking her away and said that meant her mother would be there today to take her home. her mother never came.

the windows were open. the beds were hard. the patients laid on oilcloth. the sheet they were given didn't full cover patients of average height. and then they were awoken at 5:30 am to repeat all of this.

johanna sang. while the other patients yelled or cried themselves to sleep, she knew the only way for anthony to find her was for her to sing. he knew her voice. that's how he found her the first time. she sang lullabies and the song the beggar woman used to sing below her window. she sang about birds and of the freedom she was so close to having. she sang about love and she thought of anthony when she mumbled those pretty lyrics of everlasting devotion.

he would come for her one day. she would marry anthony on sunday.

sickness.

warnings for sickness, medical malpractice, drugs ( opium skip the section on morphine and laudanum ), drug withdrawals ( skip the sections on morphine and laudanum and the paragraph under that ), blood ( skip the section on bloodletting ).

"she told me that she had just gotten up from a sick bed. her appearance confirmed her story. she looked like one who had had a severe attack of fever. 'i am now suffering from nervous debility,' she said, "and my friends have sent me here to be treated for it.'" - nellie bly speaking of mrs. louise schanz, patient at blackwell's lunatic asylum

sickness was rampant in such institutions. during nellie bly's stay at the woman's lunatic asylum at blackwell island for her expose, she befriended a young woman named tillie mayard who had suffered from a fever to the point where her friends believed she went insane from the illness. they sent her to the asylum. miss mayard was still ill when she was brought to the island. she felt worse and worse as time went on. another young woman got sick because of the poor food. the nurses tried to feed her more of this food, which she refused because she couldn't stomach it especially when she was ill.

even if a patient sought them out, it was rare that a doctor would actually listen to a sick patient pleading for help. the nurses would tell such a patient to stop and the doctor would seek them out later. they never did.

when a patient was actually treated for their ailments, they were given similar treatments to what anyone else during this era would have been given, although usually at a much larger ( and unhealthier dose ) to get the patient to be quiet. these included:

bloodletting: doctors would make a small incision in the arm ( at the elbows was common or sometimes in the wrists ). patients were given a pole to squeeze until a sufficient amount of blood spilled out. the pole allowed the veins to pop more. it was collected in a bowl, under the incision. this practice came from the belief that the ailment was kept in the blood. bloodletting allowed the toxic blood to be separated from the body, thus healing the sick person. the body would be ready to make new, clean blood to fight whatever sickness remained. barbers tended to preform this procedure, but as fogg's was low on staff, they entrusted nurses to do it instead of having to hire a barber.

morphine: this is a strong opiate found in opium. morphine could be injected to treat pain such as menstrual cramps, morning sickness, asthma, headaches and shortness of breath. because it's an opiate, it is also highly addictive. one study conducted by the lancet named it the most addictive substance followed by cocaine and nicotine. withdrawal symptoms are intense and go through several stages. a large overdose can lead to death, however under the circumstances in fogg's, there wasn't proper treatment for overdoses and the nurses would rarely do anything about it if they accidentally gave a patient too much. the first reported case of morphine being used as a poison happened in 1822 when edme castaing was convicted of murdering a patient with a morphine overdose. it isn't known how many patients at fogg's met the same fate either on accident or on purpose.

laudanum: this was the ibuprofen of the 19th century. ten percent opium with up to fifty percent alcohol, it was often mixed with honey or other spices to make it more bearable on the tastebuds and used to treat all sorts of ailments: menstrual cramps, headaches, toothaches, diarrhea and slowing down breathing. it would make the user feel drowsy and euphoric, as these are side effects of opium. the more a person takes opiates, the more that person will need the next time as tolerance will quickly build up. it is highly addictive and causes intense mental impairments where the user will seem to be in a daze and be disconnected from real life. laudanum had two main uses in fogg's: sedate patients and treat pain.

withdrawals would be brutal if a patient's body and mind began to rely on these opiates. they can be intense enough to cause death. it should not be understated how brutal these drugs can be, but it's also important to remember that they didn't have better medicines. victorians did the best with what technology they did have. in fogg's, nurses tended to take advantage of these to deal with the patients.

nurses were not properly trained. these were typically unmarried women who were in need of a job. they couldn't take temperatures properly and rarely provided the help their patients needed.

treatments.

warnings for abuse and torture throughout this whole section, hyperthermia ( skip the section on ice baths ), forced drugging ( skip the section on forced drugging ), forced feeding and eating disorders ( skip the section on forced feeding and the paragraph below it ).

"i would like the expert physicians who are condemning me for my action, which has proven their ability, to take a perfectly sane and healthy woman, shut her up and make her sit from 6 am until 8 pm. on straight-back benches, do not allow her to talk or move during these hours, give her no reading and let her know nothing of the world or its doings, give her bad food and harsh treatment, and see how long it will take to make her insane. two months would make her a mental and physical wreck." - nellie bly, ten days in a madhouse

this is often the most infamous widely-spoken about parts of 19th century mental institutions. the lobotomy ( a surgery used to severe connections in the brain's frontal cortex, which could leave the patient needing to be institutionalized for the rest of their life ) is a common example in the brutality of these hospitals. however, that procedure wasn't performed until 1936. nonconsensual electric shock therapy wasn't adopted until the late 1930s. fogg's, like other victorian mental hospitals, used treatments such as:

restrictions/isolation: this included solitary confinement as discussed earlier and the use of straight jackets. straight jackets were usually made of canvas and when worn, a patients arms would be wrapped around their front and the back would be closed so it was impossible to get out without insistence. straight jackets weren't given out to any patient, though. these were used in cases where nurses became afraid a patient might hurt themselves or others. or, in some cases, if the patient tried to escape.

ice baths: hydrotherapy peaked in the 1850s. several different "types" of baths were invented during this period. it was already becoming popular beforehand. there were certain ways of bathing for lower back pain, for head colds, for period pains, for labor in childbirth, etc. certain kinds of baths were believed to help the mentally ill or disabled as well. however, this was done without the patient's consent. later in the century, turkish baths were used to help patients. however, this did lead to an incident in 1889 when several patients were killed due to poisonous gas. warm baths were also used to calm down the patients or for melancholic ones, but this was less frequent to the ice baths. these were used for those were who "aggressive" or "excitable." a patient would be shoved into the bath, sometimes with restraints over the tub so they wouldn't be able to get out. the nurses would pour more of the ice water on them. they would be left there for hours. this caused some patients to pass out or even die from hyperthermia. there were other methods of ice baths developed, but this was the most common at fogg's.

forced drugging: see above under treatments in the sickness section. patients were frequently sedated to calm them down or if they refused to sleep. typically, morphine was used in fogg's. johanna was unable or refused to sleep most nights. eventually, the nurses interfered by having a doctor inject morphine into her veins. she became reliant on that to be able to sleep.

forced feeding: this was the last resort for patients who refused to eat. in fogg's, most patients who refused to eat were ignored by the nurses and wouldn't get any treatment until a doctor caught on. loss of appetite was common among patients suffering from melancholia and grief as well as some paranoid patients who because of delusions believed the food was poisoned. tube feeding hadn't been invented yet so force-feeding patients would be used with a wooden spoon. a doctor would place a wooden spoon in the mouth and gently rotate to a right angle to keep the mouth open, taking care not to break any teeth. another spoon would place liquid or semi-solid food into the mouth. beef tea, raw eggs ground meat, custards, milk, ale, brandy and sherry would be used to feed the patients. some patients who were refusing to eat would be shown the force feeding process which usually prompted them to start eating.

johanna was not given a chance to be shown this. since she felt like she had little control over her life anymore, this triggered her eating disorder. out of the blue one afternoon while they were sitting, johanna was taken into a doctor's office and force-fed. this was one of the most traumatic parts of her visit. it happened a few times over the next week which made her sick. she made a deal with the doctor that she would start eating again if that meant she wouldn't have to be force-fed. she began taking as little food in as possible without dying. she was afraid of the threat of being force-fed again, but couldn't stomach the food was that served.

abuse.

obvious warning for abuse, mainly physical. skip this section entirely if you are sensitive to that topic.

"there isn't much fear of hurting you. shut up, or you'll get it worse."  -miss grupe, nurse at blackwell's lunatic asylum during nellie bly's investigation

it cannot be understated how abusive fogg's asylum was. these places live on in infamy today because of the abuse that happened within their walls. medical malpractice and nurses who weren't properly trained led to many premature deaths. ignorance played a huge part in why the mentally ill were treated like prisoners and like criminals. the causes of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety weren't known nor were proper ways of treating them.

on johanna's second day, an old woman in her hall suddenly collapsed during their sitting hours. when she was unable to get back up, the nurses verbally abused her and hit the poor old woman. eventually, they grew tired of her "antics" ( her crying and begging ) and threw her into the closest in the room. all of the other patients could only sit in horror as they listened to the old woman sobbing and screaming to be let out.

a few months in, one patient eventually got frustrated with mindlessly sewing and asked if she could go for another walk. at that, a nurse pushed her to the ground. another stepped on her fragile ribs until two of them cracked. when the doctor heard, they told him it was because that patient had rammed into the wall over and over again while the nurses tried to get her to stop it.

but the worse of the abuse happened in hall nine.

hall nine.

warnings for physical abuse throughout this entire section, warnings for mentions of chronic pain, spinal injuries, drowning and choking. this section if you need to skip it can be summarized with: johanna was physically abused by the nurses to the point it left her with chronic back pain.

"...to be corrected when they're naughty and rewarded with a sweetie when they're good." -jonas fogg

as described before, hall nine was another building of the hospital. johanna was brought to hall nine after accidentally slicing her arm open with a pair of sewing scissors. she hadn't slept at all the night before since the nurses hadn't injected her with any morphine. she hadn't even realized what happened. a nurse went over, grabbed her arm and showed another nurse. they began to vaguely question her which johanna didn't understand since she delirious. the next day during sitting time, a doctor approached johanna with further questions and had her come to his office again. after a brief examination, the doctors told the nurses to bring her to hall nine. this was when she perked up. she knew what hall nine meant.

she argued with the doctor. the scissors were an accident. she didn't mean to cut herself. she wasn't suicidal.

the doctor ignored her. the nurses checked her into hall nine.

the evenings were spent sitting. they were not allowed to sew. she was not allowed to sing. the nurses were much more cruel.

there were several times, the nurses would choose a patient they hated for little to no reason ( they were loud, they attempted to hurt someone else or themselves, they talked to their neighbor, etc. ) since johanna was quiet, they had her watch the windows and warn them if a doctor was coming. she didn't know if she should let the doctor come save the patient or if she should warn the nurses. another patient allowed the doctor to come. when the nurses were caught, they quickly fibbed. that patient was beaten so brutally, if it weren't for another patient whose late husband was a doctor, she would have died.

two and a half weeks into her stay at hall nine, she suddenly broke down. the weight of everything she experienced so far came crashing down. johanna wasn't able to keep as clean as she tried to be. she was afraid of them cutting off her hair since she could easily strangle herself in it if she tried. she was hurting. she wasn't allowed to sing. she wanted anthony to find her.

the nurses pushed her to the floor and beat her with a broom handle. they jumped on her lower back, injuring her internally. they tied her arms and feet. they threw a sheet over her head, twisting it so she could not breathe. they threw her into a bathtub and held her under the water until she passed out.

johanna woke in the infirmary. the nurses nor the doctors told her what was wrong with her. all she knew is that the pain in her back was so unbearable that she could not move. she wasn't able to swallow well to the point where another doctor had to come in and force feed until he discovered that it physically pained her to swallow. she was given some helpings of broth.

the injury in her back is what we would call a compression fracture in her spine today. this is a type of broken bone that can cause your vertebrae to collapse, making them shorter. because of johanna's eating disorder, her bone density is much less than the average human, making them more suspectable to breaking. she was lucky that her lower back didn't break altogether. she was kept in the infirmary for a few weeks until she had a slightly easier time swallowing solid foods and her back started to get better. she wasn't exactly aware of this time since she was on laudanum for most of it to ease her back pain.

she has a very faint memory of catching a fever from the patient next to her ( since beds were kept close together due to overcrowding in the infirmary ). for this, the doctors gave her a bloodletting while they thought she was asleep. johanna was not. this made her panic, but was unable to protect or fend for herself due to side effects of the drugs.

this compression fracture causes her to have lower back pain for at least another year since victorian medicine didn't have proper back braces. wearing a corset once she was out both helped and did not help. it kept her spine straight which eased the tension on her lower back, but caused pressure at different points of her back.

once she was well enough to go back to typical asylum living, she was bathed and brought to hall four. away from her two and a half hellish experience in hall nine.

johanna.

warnings for mentions of anorexia ( skip the paragraph that begins with "refusal to eat" ), self harm mentions ( this is accidental self harm, but skip the paragraph that begins with "harming oneself" ), sexual assault ( skip the paragraph that begins with "mr fogg was contacted beforehand." ) and a discussion on weight and bmi ( skip the paragraph that begins with "johanna was ninety pounds when she came to fogg's." ).

"poor child. she needs so much correction. she sings all day and all night and leaves all the other inmates sleepless." -jonas fogg

turpin picked out fogg's as a punishment for her disobedience not only because of his agreement with the owner, but also because this hospital was designed specifically for women. with a lack of men, there was less of a chance she would disobey him again. fogg's would "teach her a lesson" but, as he assumed, wouldn't leave her so unattractive that he would no longer desire her.

bamford came four times. the first under turpin's orders. this was about a month into her stay. it was long enough that turpin hoped she would be begging and pleading to return home to marry him. johanna refused bamford's offer. despite her having been bathed an hour prior to their meeting and given a new dress ( as was customary --- they didn't want any of the visitors to believe their patients were being mistreated behind closed doors ), he could see the horror of her brief stay in her eyes. he left, shaken to the core. the next was two weeks later. johanna refused him again. the next was another month later. despite how skinny she'd become ( for a girl who was already barely ninety pounds ), she refused. the last was another month later when bamford pleaded with johanna to let him bring her back. turpin was upet, but most of all, bamford couldn't get the image of his little annie in johanna's shoes. he felt horrible about the abuse she'd suffered. johanna refused.

in 1863, a superintendent at the royal edinburgh asylum, dr. david skae developed a system of diagnosis of the mental kind. these included: congenital insanity, epilpetic insanity, insanity of adolescence, climateric insanity ( menopausal ), insanity of pregnancy, insanity of lactation, hysterical insanity, traumatic insanity, general paralysis and insanity of unknown cause, among others. the medico-psychological association made their own list: mania, melancholia, general paralysis of the insane, epileptic mania, congenital defect with epilepsy, congenital defect without epilepsy and dementia. since this wasn't about fifteen years after johanna was diagnosed her official diagnosis included:

female hysteria: a common diagnosis for this time. it could be sued for a wide variety of mental ailments such as postpartum depression, pre-menstrual syndrome, or if a relative wanted to get rid of a female relative.

refusal to eat: anorexia would not be officially made a diagnosis until later in the century when queen victoria's personal physician did a case study. her refusal to eat would be a sign of "insanity" and the doctors and nurses could use it against her. during meals if a nurse wasn't too preoccupied, sometimes she would come around to where johanna was sitting and mock her for her skinny disposition and about how little she ate.

harming oneself: this would be added to her diagnosis after the sewing scissors incident that lead her to be kept at hall nine.

mr. fogg was contacted beforehand. he was prepared to meet johanna the second day she was at fogg's. he introduced himself. later on, johanna would learn that he had a habit of being unable to keep his hands to himself. that was a fact she quickly learned. he took every opportunity to touch her, to proof his dominance and control over her. it was humiliating. later on, johanna would whisper to anthony that her frequent meetings with mr. fogg made her felt like she hadn't left turpin's house at all. his excuse for meeting with her at least every two weeks came from the fact that they were low on doctors. fogg knew he needed to keep johanna alive for turpin to keep with their agreement.

johanna was ninety pounds when she came to fogg's. when she was in her infirmary, she was at her lowest at sixty-seven pounds. by the time anthony found her, she was seventy-one pounds. her bmi at her lowest was 12.7. a healthy bmi for her height is 17. she was severely underweight. her bmi by the time she escaped was 13.4, still severely underweight. she lost twenty-three pounds during her stay and barely survived.

in the end of march, anthony was finally able to find johanna. bamford was right about to visit her again, but changed his mind after seeing anthony. johanna's plan worked: anthony heard her singing.

a day later, anthony disguised himself as a wigmaker. he came into the asylum and anthony directed fogg to where he saw johanna. she made no noise. anthony grabbed her. fogg threatened both of their lives. when anthony hesitated, johanna didn't: she shot fogg.

her nine-month stay in fogg's shook johanna to her core. it would be another long few months of getting settled into plymouth, trying to recover from such trauma and trying to live a normal life. because of her nightmares and her reliance on opium, johanna would struggle to fall asleep at night. she had an increased fear of doctors and refused to see any for the pain in her back. the next few months and years would be difficult despite her newfound happiness, but she would thank god every night for the rest of her life that she escaped. even if it meant she had to shoot fogg.

johanna would never take a bath or a good night's sleep for granted again. she is safe, but some nights, her mind brings her back to fogg's. she's beyond grateful for the support she has and her slow, but steady healing process.

#WHEW #i am so sorry #uhhhhh i hope anthony knows that he's gonna be johanna's caretaker for the next year :'( #because it is so much worse than i initially thought #anyway if there's something you think i missed or should be part of the warning im me #this is historical fogg's! modern fogg's will probably never get it's own meta but feel free to ask me again it! #*❈ ‣ whence comes this melody constantly flowing? — ( meta. )

[weavingroses]

horny oc thoughts

feldspar - transmasc butch king 💗 dom-leaning verse. impeccable strap game. generally masc 4 masc. unsurprisingly very into leather & bondage & d/s. has a lot of dysphoria & body related guilt so almost exclusively stone top & often tops w clothes still on. would bottom only in a very emotionally intimate context and would only take anal.

tala - despite being an older oc i am still figuring out their whole deal because i made them when i was less secure about doing horny stuff lol. chaotic verse switch. the most important thing for them is the banter & back and forth. despite making a lot of flirtatious jokes i think they are pretty vanilla. champ of going down o7

ilona - oh boy she has so many issues. tala is the first & probably only person she’s been intimate with. i toyed with the idea of her being dom with the thought she’d be more comfortable being in control of what is happening, but i think she just needs to chill out and have someone (tala) just be gentle and sweet and slow and help her relax. she probably ends up somewhere pillow princessy lol

seren - the biggest brat ever lol. literal energizer bunny & rope bunny. very bottom but might pack or strap sometimes for dysphoria reasons. r

peregrine - doesnt have as much of a sex drive as seren but is happy to service their princess (or teach them how to behave, depending). idk if peregrine has bottom surgery or not after having kids, but probably uses a strap either way. when pere’s injury/chronic pain is too much, seren rides them. plus its cute bc. bouncing bunny lol.

mari - had a lot of really bad sex w their (eventually ex) wife so is having a bit of a sexuality crisis in their 30’s. probably is into the adultery and hate sex w cedar because he feels more actively desired, compared to their wife who was sexually manipulative & used mari more as a sex object than anything. probably lands somewhere top/dom leaning but does not want to be treated as a femme dommy mommy or whatever

addinell - using sex as a coping mechanism for the multitude of internalized stuff (similar to crossroads). has a bad perception of their own limits. into degradation & impact play but way more comfortable giving than receiving. wouldnt know what to do with gentle or sincere intimacy.

clove - service top to melissanthe’s (warlock patron) power bottom. extremely submissive & wants praise. likes edging and bondage but probably anxious/insecure with her body being touched. winter eladrin temp play.

artemy - dom top leaning & likes it rough. into giving/receiving marks (scratches, hickies, etc). wouldnt know what to do with soft, sincere intimacy. i havent decided if she’d have too much trauma to be into bondage but its sexy so.

#feldspar tag #tala tag #ilona tag #addinell tag #clove tag #artemy tag #talona tag #seren tag #peregrine tag #seregrine tag #mari tag

[lunarfly-studios]

Cedar and Sasha wips

Kit's parents have been really fun to design/draw, so have some free wips before bed

Cassandra "Sasha" Headshot

Fun Fact: my mom had direct input on Sasha's design.

Her hair is currently undergoing different color options, but her skin and eyes pretty much set in stone

She's in her 50's so I do need to add some signs of aging, like wrinkles or silver hair ... but then again, she does have alien medicine assisting with chronic illness/pain, it could have rejuvenation side-effects that slow her aging/make her look younger, Idk we'll figure it out lol

She's meant to have a beauty mark on her too, i just haven't picked where yet

may play around with make-up colors

gross sobbing because she's so pretty holy shit

Cedar's Alien Design:

He's based on a mix between a butterfly, moth, and praying mantis.

Excluding a lot of exoskeletal parts, that'll come later lol

Despite being well into his 50's, his people stop aging after a certain points. They're like elves that way lol. So physically he's still roughly in his mid-20's

His antennae are subject to change, but they work for the time being. Yes, those are antennae. They're floppy. I may give them some fuzz idk

Not 100% sold on his eye colors yet. I'm fine with the pink irises, but i worry his schlera color may not contrast with his skin or hair well enough

Cedar's Default Human Disguise:

Cedar has multiple human disguises to suit any number of occasions and settings, including other alien races like Martians, Neptans, Jupitarians, etc

This form is completely human in every way and would even register as much with heat sensors and an x-ray. Only way to really figure out he's an alien is with a blood test, and you gotta really know what to look for.

He purposefully makes himself look older to match Cass' age cause it'd look weird if he didn't age with her lol

He retains his blonde hair out of choice, but it becomes something of a dirtier blonde

His eyes are SUPPOSED to be hazel (the kind that can look like a variety of colors depending on the lighting or time of day) but idk how to implement that effect lol

ponytails are still the bane of my existence, but we're getting there

Not pictured here is the bestial form Cedar can turn into as an absolute last resort because GOOD LORD I have no idea where to even start with that

#moon rising / people are weird #cedar price #cassandra price #kit draws things

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, Apologies for lengthy post. I have question for family dynamic. I am from south asian region where family is closely tied to individual compared to western culture.

I have ENTJ dad and INFP mom, I have guessed their types. My dad had very good career which he earned by himself through struggle. He is brilliant but has very huge ego in general. My mom is mostly in her own world, she barely does her duties towards family or home. There is no specific illness that she has but in general she is always like this. People used to call her lazy.

Due to my mom's ignorance towards us, me and my brother weren't raised with attention. I got very low self esteem as I grew up because I never used to have proper things or tiffin, dresses etc as she never paid attention. No one taught us social manners or they did not encourage us to have any new experience. They were not having any specific constraints like money but it was matter of awareness and willingness.

I was good in studies so somehow I completed my college and got into good career. Despite of my skill, as my personality was not developed properly, I had to pay huge price for my low self esteem, social skills etc.. finally I learnt MBTI, learnt some psychology and improved myself, it's still in progress.

My brother could not pick up on things, he is close to 30 years now but does not have any meaning to earn for living. He is directionless in life. I tried hard to get him line for last 6 7 years but even my parents did not support my efforts. Now they blame him for not being independent. He had to depend on them for his day to day spending.

Issue is, despite of all this, my parents do not see any issue in their behaviour. They have not supported me, helped me for anything. They are somehow indifferent to my problems, achievements etc. I have my own family now, husband and kid and I am content with it. But due to my parents behaviour, it is being difficult for me to maintain relations with them without any stress. I am not practically dependent on them for anything but I worry for brother a lot. And as I am having less relations with them, I feel very rootless like I dont have any place to fall back. Is this situation really weird or I am overreacting to it.

-----------------

You seem to be describing childhood neglect. It's not loud and attention grabbing like physical violence, so many people don't know that neglect is also a very common form of child abuse. As long as the parents are not fulfilling their duties and obligations of caring properly for their child's basic physical and psychological needs, it is considered child abuse. Child abuse can occur in any family of any social status. It is sadly not uncommon for children of wealthy parents to be neglected because the parents only recognize physical/material needs as important and overlook the rest.

It's good news that you've been able to live a well-functioning life despite parental neglect. However, it's important to remember that the long term negative effects of neglect are often internal and difficult to identify. I think your brother is a typical example of how neglect can impede personal growth. He seems to suffer learned helplessness and probably requires professional help to overcome it.

Chronic neglect has a negative effect on children's development and makes them much more susceptible to mental health problems later in life:

They are more likely to suffer low self-esteem and low self-worth and have difficulties with self-care due to believing themselves undeserving of love and care.

They are more likely to suffer emotional dysregulation (depression and anxiety), personality disorders, or learned helplessness because of not having been taught healthy coping methods and problem solving skills.

They are more likely to engage in self-destructive behavior as a means of punishing themselves, getting attention, or numbing the shame/pain of feeling unloved.

They are more likely to be socially isolated or suffer relationship problems because they don't understand what it means to give, receive, and express love in healthy ways.

Being neglected as a child, it's normal to feel an underlying sense of insecurity or "rootlessness", because you never really had a strong sense of security to begin with. Parents are supposed to be a source of comfort and safety. When they aren't, who else can you turn to? There are a lot of bad parents in the world, so there are a lot of people out there feeling detached, lonely, and unloved.

This is why the concept of "found family" or "chosen family" has become more important in modern society, since people have more freedom to roam and live away from immediate family. Some neglected children have closer ties with more distant relations like aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Some people are raised more by teachers, mentors, friends, or a community of elders. Upon leaving home to build a life of their own, some young adults find spaces to congregate and support each other much as siblings do. Many LGBTQ+ people are rejected by their family members, so they have no choice but to look in other places for familial love.

It is possible to form relationships that are just as or even more deep, meaningful, and supportive than the parent-child relationship. However, in order to benefit from these alternative social structures, you have to let go of some old ideas about what a "traditional" family should look like.

As a general rule, as long as you hold on very tightly to beliefs about what reality "should" be instead of accepting and working with the reality of what is, you will always feel dissatisfied or unhappy. This includes expectations about what your parents "should" be. Your negative feelings about them are valid and it's a normal response to feel as though you've been robbed of a happy childhood. At this point in your life, you have to ask yourself: "Do I want this regret/resentment to hold me back from living my life well? Do I want to keep hoping for my parents to change and then feel disappointed when they don't? Do I want to keep asking for their love and then feel hurt when they just can't give it?" If not, it's better to gracefully accept the truth about them and make the choice to put your time and energy into relationships that have more potential for growth.

#abuse #neglect #parent child relationship #family #ask

[cripple-council]

hi there!! disabled American teenager here.

in case you haven't heard, the us is an actual hellscape right now, and I know i will not be able to live here as an adult with all of the consequences of capitalism (i will not be able to work as an adult. i don't know what else to do).

so uh. would you mind giving a review of what it's like living in Sweden as a disabled person? like, can you live on disability? (we can't here, lmao.) how long are the healthcare waits? how ableist is society as a whole there? and accessibility and stuff? also, learning swedish would cost too many spoons; does the majority of the population know English?

you don't have to answer this ask if you aren't comfortable, but if you do, I've pretty much narrowed down my list of possible countries to move to to Iceland, New Zealand, and Sweden, so if any other disabled person sees this who lives in one of those countries or has suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated :)

hey!

okay so i can only speak from my experiences, so keep that in mind!

applying for disability benefits isn’t that hard, you can do so through your general health care doctor for physical health reasons and psych doctor for mental health reasons. they’ll fill it in for you and you just have to answer the questions verbally (that’s what i did). this request goes to försäkringskassan, and i got answer pretty quick that i got approved. you can apply for three years at a time if i remember correctly, but they do want you to get rehabilitated so that you eventually can do work to some extent, but you can keep applying. i don’t know much about what happens if you get denied though since that hasn’t happened to me yet thankfully lmao. they also do semi regular check ins during the time you’ve been approved for. for me, they want me to do PT & DBT before i eventually go back to work (and if i’ll even be able to lol), so they do call sometimes to ask how things are going. they are generally annoying but yeah, which government agency isn’t?

the waiting lists are terrible here, they can be incredibly long, i waited 2 years to get into the gender clinic, and that’s actually a short time from what i’ve heard. i haven’t had to get referred to something for my physical health yet (thought i am waiting for that lol), so i don’t know what the general waiting times are for that, but i’m guessing those are long too.

i haven’t had super bad encounters with ableists thankfully, it’s mostly my therapist and the doctors i’ve met that has treated me like shit for wanting pain management (and because i’m fat but that’s a whole other issue). doctors here are incredibly reluctant to give pain medications in my experience, even when i had a 10/10 pain at the ER they wouldn’t give me anything, despite me not being able to walk and screaming whenever i moved around. i’ve only had one good doctor who actually cared about me and my pain, she did prescribe me gabapentin which has helped immensely. it took 5 or something tries to get them to listen to me. so a general rule here is to never give up, and keep fucking nagging the doctors until they care lmao. so yeah, ableist (and fatphobic) doctors is a problem here. i can’t come up with more examples except that most people think that chronic disabilities go away with exercise lmao.

accessibility is different depending on where you live, and i can mostly just speak on where i live. big issue: we do not have public transportation in my town, which is often a necessary thing for some disabled people (who can’t drive etc.). thankfully i have a car, without it i would never leave my home. also in my town, most apartment buildings have the apartments one half floor up aka stairs, there aren’t many buildings in my town that has elevators. the ones with elevators are considered more luxurious here and i’ve noticed they usually have higher rent too lmao. but also i live in a smaller town, so there aren’t many options anyways. if you have specific questions about accessibility feel free to send another ask, because i can’t think of more right now (very tired lol).

and yeah, sweden is a somewhat known for being a good english speaking country if i remember correctly, don’t know the exact rating though. the people who aren’t that good are usually 50+, most young people know english well. swedish is a hard language to learn, but it’s not super super important since for most things you can ask for english i think. but it might be worth trying to learn swedish in your own pace if you’re planning to move here. i’m not sure about how citizenship stuff works here, and if knowing swedish is a requirement.

in general sweden is a decent country, there are a lot of issues but it could be worse. i personally don’t mind living here, things have worked out for me, disability wise and stuff like that.

and to my fellow swedes: feel free to add on to this, and how your experiences has been like!

#ask

[sunflowerseraph]

hi i haven't watched moon knight but i've watched video essays on it so i know a bit, who's ur favorite character and what are ur headcanons for them?

Ok apologies in advance bc im super dizzy writing this :D but Ohhh my god absolutely its Jake Lockley. Comics and show. Ok well in the show he doesnt have much screentime BUT it doesn't mean theres not subtle jake moments and like teases to him existing. I have assloads of jake hcs (he likes cats, hes fond of sharks, and astronomy, and he wears gloves all the time to help with his sensory issues) but i think he has soooo many roles in the MK sys! Hes a gatekeeper, a memory/trauma holder, a physical protector (occasionally dabbles in emotional protecting, like a romantic/sexual protector!) I think he frequently goes nonverbal (autism creature♡)!! I think hes a Guardian too, but in the case of rangling Khonshu (or any other "persecutor type") ! I have so many hcs abt what roles he fills and the extent of them 🧍 i love intersys relations♡♡ he has little rituals that he takes on when he gets time to front. He enjoys a nice cup of coffee at Genas diner, and he will occasionally smoke a cigarette or two despite stevens protests.(Genas been trying to get him to quit, started giving him lollipops and hard candies cause the smoking is probably from some oral fixation.)

Hes really social! But hes still got the anxiety that comes with being social. He has to be for his taxi driving anyways! I feel like hes got a social mask to interact with people he drives around n stuff, when he needs info, etc. But he doesnt like to meet new people? Like, he has friends already, and the idea of making connections is nerve wracking (thats Stevens job, hes good at external connections! Esp comic steven, since he literally makes all their friends for the most part. Like he and jake make the friends and marc is stubborn♡)

[Tw for trauma ment, abuse, etc! Skip to the next colored line for not that :D]

Jake insys looks different than the body out of sys sometimes too! He holds a physical manifestation of previous injuries/trauma. He and Marc share certain scars or marks from their merc/military days, and in the case of the show, from physical trauma growing up with their mom. Steven tends not to have those marks/scars! Marc definitely has some, but not to the extent as Jake. Since jake is a gatekeeper/memory holder, he would have more scars or marks representing certain memories or traumas that they experienced, even if Marc doesnt, bc Marc doesnt get all the memories. Steven gets like None at all, so he wouldnt really have those markings. Jake might carry some chronic pain stuff (symptom holder) too? Speaking from experience, abuse like that can lead to nerve damage/chronic pain, so it would make sense he would experience it.

[ Ok, end of tw section]

I think Jakes music taste varies too! He usually just listens to the radio in his cab, so he doesnt have a Set Big Preference. He does love Luis Miguel tho. Steven likes reading ,but im sure he enjoys music! Probably nothing too Hardcore, softer music, or maybe even oldies. I think Marc would like music like Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, def leppard, acdc, hozier, Imagine dragons, Muse idk i have lists and playlists but thats not the point here. Jake likes Doja Cat.

He also loves cats just in general, black cats especially. Marc prefers dogs, and Steven (obviously) likes his fish!

Hes the shortest insys! God theres this funny art thing of the mk boys going Jake why are u so small, and jake replies with some shit about being like Wolverine. I think by @bicatperson ?? AS I WAS WRITING THIS I FOUND IT. Here.

EDIT: link didnt work here it is again hopefully?

Im trying to think of more things uhm. He ALWAYS tips Gena extra at the diner (They are sweet, theyre like two highschool sweethearts to me. She cares about his well being and he loves her boys like his own. ) speaking of, jake is So good with kids. Btw. I feel like hed definitely be a little caretaker !! He also loves Diatrice and calls her Dia or dee,or didi :) i also hate all the shit abt her not being "his kid" which just isnt fucking true. Sorry im not a fan of marlene for that shit.

Anyways. Jake is crucial to the mk sys in any universe in anyway possible in my brain ok. Hes kind and strong and doesnt shy from a fight. Hes wreckless at times but hes good at figuring things out. Hes got those streetsmarts. Hes also in love with his lawyer Matt Murdock.

#also will say be careful with certain video essays on Youtube bc they use ableist language at times and #are particularly fond of labeling the mk sys as 'crazy' or 'psycho' especially jake #mk #mk hcs #hiiii <-autisticly #seraph.txt #ask.txt #long post #sorry :( #super dizzy and just threw words out i hope this is coherent

[zennialemo]

I posted 2,065 times in 2022

That's 976 more posts than 2021!

45 posts created (2%)

2,020 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@killerandhealerqueen

@w00dchips

@evil-moonlight

@scallioncreamcheesebagel

@desultory-suggestions

I tagged 868 of my posts in 2022

#lmao - 41 posts

#beyond evil - 36 posts

#queer - 16 posts

#under the skin - 15 posts

#kpop - 14 posts

#aromantic - 12 posts

#asexual - 12 posts

#bts - 12 posts

#bad buddy - 10 posts

#spotify - 9 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#but this is interesting to me because ive been seeing lots of heavy black and white discourse on concrit lately...

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I opened up a soulmate AU that I started in April for Under the Skin. It was in the same folder as the one I recently posted. Its been two days of reading it and rereading it and wishing it had an end. And now I want to finish it. But it's like insanely large in terms of plot. It's a Soulmate AU with political corruption and murder and secrets. Shits not fluffy... well not for the most part. And im overwhelmed by the scale of it. It needs dedication and time and maybe even an overhaul...

But I love it 🥲. So let's see if I can finish it. If not, whatever (she says, not feeling 'whatever' about it at all). Maybe I can break it up into a series if it's really too much...

10 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#4

My whole therapized life has been a back and forth of "do they don't they" over whether or not I have BPD or bipolar II.

And I have always been like "nah I don't get manic". Mind you I wasn't thinking hypomanic, I was thinking my aunt when she goes off her meds and thinks she can fly and that people are following her. So I was like "never, never" about mania. But I wasn't considering the times when I write 10,000 words in 24 hours with no sleep and then hyperfixate on plot for the next 5 days, or when I do 1 million tasks in 4 days on 4 hours of sleep and almost no food. I thought those were just good times. That's not to mention the spending. Dear lord the spending. But I never felt... like I could fly. I just felt like I was hot shit. So. I always was like yeah not me *shrug*.

All this said, I definitely *do* fit the criteria of "high functioning" or "quiet" BPD, too. My mood in one day is the picture of instability. I have no sense of self. I fear abandonment, etc. I don't look stereotypical BPD because I internalize everything. I rarely snap or take my feelings out on people, when I split I take it out on myself. Etc. So. "Quiet" BPD fits.

But so does Bipolar II with rapid cycling. I just dropped so bad for 2 weeks I ended up in the ER and then swung up so high I spent more than I should have on clothes and gifts and cards for others, slept very little, and packed an insane amount for my upcoming move despite my disability screaming at me with pain and exhaustion to slow down. I am now starting a mood stabilizer and my mental health team is thinking maybe a dual diagnosis of BPD and Bipolar II. I laughed because all these years of back and forth from my healthcare providers for the current team to look at one another and say "how about both?"

How about both, indeed.

The (constant, but now extra pressing) problem is I have ME, or more colloquially CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and hypomanic energy and lack of sleep for 4.5 days = super awful hellish PEM. Think of PEM like crashing into a ditch where you can barely leave bed, maybe like me you're in pain and light sensitive and it feels like you've got Mono all over again... anyway. Its really awful. Terrible. Im so drained I can barely talk. Thank the moon and stars I don't have therapy today.

But yall, I'm suffering. PEM so bad my legs are trembling. Time to lay in bed for the next three days and try to rest up... 🥲

11 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

#3

Rewatching Bad Buddy with my sister, who's seeing it for the first time. I'm in my feels y'all. This show was everything. Wholesome and full of feelings and real communication in the face of adversity. My queer heart is full 🥺.

15 notes - Posted September 10, 2022

#2

16 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I just watched the first episode of Koisenu Futari, and I’m crying. I’m asexual, and I think I might be somewhere on the aromantic scale too and I had no idea until I watched this and things just.. clicked. I went through and am still living through an extremely painful and difficult breakup where “everything was right” on paper, but I just couldn’t meet him where he was at. And the sentence always ended there but the truth of the matter is, I just couldn’t meet him where he was at...romantically. I never could. It killed me. Kills me. There are other things too, other things about me I’ve been noticing recently and this revelation is like breathing air for the first time in months - maybe there’s nothing wrong with me.  This show made me feel so seen. Seen in ways I didn’t even know I needed to be. And even if it hadn’t made me realize I’m probably arospec, I think it still would have touched me just as much as an ace person, but also just on a humanity level it’s beautiful. I call myself a writer but right now the words kind of escape me. I just feel so validated and seen, and it hurts and it’s wonderful all at the same time. 

17 notes - Posted February 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Spotify

[eazy-group]

Bella Hadid Goes on "Medical Leave" from Modeling for Lyme Disease Treatment

New Post has been published on https://eazybeauty.net/bella-hadid-goes-on-medical-leave-from-modeling-for-lyme-disease-treatment/

Bella Hadid Goes on "Medical Leave" from Modeling for Lyme Disease Treatment

A source close to Bella Hadid says she has made the brave decision to step away from her busy schedule to focus on her health. The 26-year-old is currently on an extended “medical leave” as she seeks treatment for Lyme disease, a condition she has been battling since her diagnosis in 2012.

Some tabloid reports have claimed that the model had checked into rehab, but sources close to her are saying that is fake news. “Bella Hadid is in daily treatment for Lyme disease. Nine months ago, Bella decided she wanted to stop drinking, so she stopped. She has been sober for nine months and has never had an alcohol or drug problem. Bella is not in rehab,” a source told Entertainment Tonight this week. “Bella is taking some much-deserved time off to treat her Lyme disease. She is not in rehab and has never had an alcohol or drug problem.”

Lyme disease is a tick-borne illness that can lead to a range of symptoms, such as an irregular heartbeat, joint pain, and breathing difficulties. Bella has been vocal in the past about the disease and the challenges it poses to her daily life.

Chronic Symptoms

In April, Hadid shared with TikTok followers that the disease had been taking a toll on her physically and mentally. “Most of my pictures /selfies look like this on a normal basis when I’m flaring up. (When I’m working a lot, FW, stressed etc., (aka always) my skin changes color, I break out randomly, I get (what feels like) lesions, lethargy, chronic anxiety, zero motivation or purpose, leaky gut, adrenals, depressed,” she told fans. “You can only wonder why my face changes the way it does and this is why. End of story.”

“That’s why I hate looking in the mirror or taking pictures especially lately, truly wanting to throw up at the sight of myself constantly,” she went on to say. “Years and years of this. If I’m all dolled up maybe I’ll try for the girls, but man is it hard to do this as your profession while also feeling/looking sick like this’.”

Bella Hadid’s mother Yolanda and brother Anwar have also been diagnosed with Lyme disease. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 300,000 people are diagnosed with Lyme disease each year in the United States. While most cases of Lyme disease can be successfully treated with antibiotics, a subset of individuals may develop lingering symptoms despite completing the standard treatment. However, there is no universally accepted definition of chronic Lyme disease.

Source

[ghooostbaby]

deeeep dive into why and how wei wuxian and lan wangji love each other, complete each other, are the inverse reflection of each other’s deeply hidden internal selves mirrored through the other’s external self, lan wangji’s inner wildness that he has to conceal and protect recognizing and loving wei wuxian’s outer wildness, wei wuxian’s deep, fuddy-duddy morality and values that he conceals with an elaborate subterfuge of jokes, mischief, and bravado, seeing and loving in lan wangji the ability to say no that it was never safe for him to express directly, “between you and me there is no need for thank you and sorry”

oh and a slight diversion midway through into a manifesto on WEI WUXIAN IS NOT INSECURE the whole story is about a society where being liked is ESSENTIAL for survival and it is actually completely perilous not to be liked, and his “people pleasing” is a skill and tool for his survival especially as an orphan and proven to be a necessary one when he stops doing it and STOPS SURVIVING

after the cut discussing the very interesting dynamics of consent in general in the novel, but not going into the consensual non-consent kink stuff till the last paragraph if you need to avoid for any reason.

I've been thinking about how Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian the exterior, unfettered expression of the wildness Lan WangJi holds in him and protects with rigid codes of conduct, propriety and outward dignity.

I have had this sense that these two are mirrors, either one reflecting the hidden, interior (and unallowed) self of the other. but it seemed more clear from Lan WangJi's side, especially knowing about his history with his mother and the spicy side that emerges when he drinks and in the extras.

I also - just... the way this whole story shows how romantic love is truly this longing for your self, to become yourself, to become the thing you're not allowed to be, seeing in that person the expression of whatever it is you can't become and longing for it, protecting it, joining with it as closely as you can without ever being able to let it live inside your own body.

On the surface it seems a lot more difficult for Wei WuXian to find a piece of his soul in Lan Wangji. I think its a bit too simplistic to see whatever draws Wei WuXian to Lan Wangji as a reverse-psychology sort of craving of acceptance from the only one who won't give it, pushing and pushing against this impenetrable boundary that he needs to break to feel assurance that no matter what he can make anyone accept him.

And he is SO drawn - in a mind boggling way, in the teenage flashbacks Lan WangJi rudely and aggressively throws him off over and over and Wei WuXian cannot keep away! Even when he talks about how boring Lan WangJi is, he never stops trying to be around him and talk to him.

I've seen discussions of the way Wei WuXian has always relied on the goodwill of others to survive, and that his placating of others to survive is a character flaw. Although that seems only halfway true. 

As a young child he didn't have anyone's goodwill for a while and he survived, and it seems like he can always find a way to survive from whatever means and sometimes very limited resources he has at his disposal. Doing what he has to do to become powerful enough to survive losing his core and being thrown into the burial mounds slowly costs him the goodwill of everyone around him - and what happens to him as a result shows how much placation was a truly necessary for someone without the protection of biological/hereditary family bonds.

(Don’t get me started on how his loss of his golden core and his development of demonic cultivation to give himself power by ‘unnatural methods’ through the use of a musical instrument is a metaphor for disability and the way ableist society sees the use of accessibility devices and tools. Actually please DO get my started haha.)

Wei WuXian is so charismatic and seems very used to getting what he wants and needs on the strength of that. He pushes a lot of boundaries and seems pretty confident and flexibly prepared to handle the consequences, whether beatings or harsh words. But he does work so hard to make others feel good, good with him, good with themselves.

When he is in the cave with Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian is described as "like one who forgets all past pain as soon as the wound heals". He can't resist coming up beside Lan WangJi and talking to him again and again after every time Lan WangJi pushes him off, only finally staying away when Lan WangJi bites him (and he still keeps trying to talk to him after a little bit!) and then calls him an awful person (!!! Bad Wangji! :(((( ). In the end, when Lan WangJi (very minimally) discloses what happened to his sect and his father, and even cries, because of all the defences/assaults Lan WangJi has put up Wei WuXian can't do anything or say anything to help and feels miserable.

Lan WangJi just absolutely refuses to allow Wei WuXian to take care of him - and I began to wonder maybe that’s what Wei WuXian actually really likes about him? Why he is unable to resist coming up to Lan WangJi again and again? Maybe because Lan WangJi refuses to let Wei WuXian appease him. He’s not trying to crack Lan WangJi to get to this impenetrable place of approval and acceptance. In a way he can’t quite understand, Lan WangJi is a respite for Wei WuXian from the constant work to be the one who pleases.

And  how different this is to how Wei WuXian is (or has to be) with Jiang Cheng when he wakes up in Lotus Pier after the cave. Jiang Cheng gets so down and really really needs Wei WuXian to do what he does so well (and wasn’t allowed to do with Lan WangJi) - chasing Jiang Cheng down while being injured and reassuring him about all his insecurities about his father's acceptance and becoming a sect leader and Wei WuXian's own abilities excelling his - and at first Jiang Cheng is pushing him away, but he really does need Wei WuXian to do all this to feel better.

Wei WuXian is described as not wanting to be lonely, and not wanting to see other people unhappy, and he keeps trying to push and pull with whatever he has to not be lonely and lift the mood for those around him. I don't think it's a kind of codependency or insecurity. It’s not that Wei WuXian is afraid to say no, in fact I would say he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, but he must always do it creatively, with humour. Similarly to Nie Huaisang, he uses a persona of foolishness to give himself a covert agency.

I also think I'm writing this because I don't like seeing this discussed as a sad bean character flaw for him to always need to be liked - its a strategy, its a tool, its how he survives and excels. Doesn’t the whole story prove how essential being liked is to a human’s survival? And he is so so good at being liked, in making others happy, even when he is refusing to do what others want from him that he doesn't want to do, he does it in a way that deflects criticism, with a smiling bravado that never says what it truly means and has people writing him off as shameless or foolish or just endearing himself toward them despite themselves.

He is always at work really, with jokes and flattery or mischief and teasing, to get the resources he wants and needs. Case and point, when he makes a big coquettish show for mianmian, definitely not being "people pleasing" for her, but the group of girls around them all find it funny and cute and in the end she gives him a perfume sachet which ends up being a valuable resource for later. Or the time he outright tells Jiang Cheng that if you give the girls some lotus seeds they'll remember you and return the favour in the future. (Also notice how his interactions with girls seen as flirtatious are actually strategic resource-gathering acts.) These are the skills he has developed to meet his own needs. (THIS IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. I REPEAT.) He takes what he needs and steals from the Lotus Pier markets knowing it'll be paid for, he lives like he never know when his next windfall will come from so he'll take what he can when he can find it. Like Jiang Fengmian said, if there is no guarantee of a meal in the future then today's meal should still be enjoyed. It’s how Wei WuXian said to Nie Huaisang at Cloud Recesses, you have to find ways to make your own fun out of whatever you have. So he gets kicked out of class, goes fishing, gets alcohol, he pursues his own pleasure. He actually is quite insistent of his own agency and right to choose, he just can never directly say no.

And that little detail that Wei WuXian always tucks coins into his clothes just in case, that makes him able to buy food when he and Jiang Cheng are on the run... breaks my heart and reveals so much about the way Wei WuXian is constantly at work on ensuring his own survival and never takes for granted whether he is safe (he knows he never is). 

I've seen some people talking about Wei WuXian sacrificing so much for his brother and sister out of a need to be accepted out of a chronic sense of insecurity. But isn’t this just true? Doesn't he live in a world where being accepted is absolutely essential for survival? Doesn’t this whole story show the cruelty of a social system based on networks of hereditary/biological family that closes out and scapegoats any outsiders, and that without biological family connections that can enclose around you, you can never truly be safe if not constantly working to earn acceptance? (And then beautifully ends with the way a gay romantic relationship that queers marriage/family/etc disrupts all this and creates safety and inclusion for Wei WuXian without needing a normative family.) (AKA romantic love does not resolve some internal personal problem in Wei WuXian but disrupts and refuses and rebels against the problem of SOCIETY.) (*breathes heavily*)

And that’s why Lan WangJi is magnetizing to Wei WuXian. Lan WangJi is always saying no. Although what Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian is an exterior wildness, Wei WuXian is not really out of control so much as he is playing and caring and supplicating and showing off and pleasing people to get the resources and the acceptance he needs to live his life. He has firm values and desires that he can never outwardly state, only creatively spinning plates to distract and deflect while he refuses what goes against his values, protects who he cares for, or takes what he needs to in order to survive/thrive. Lan WangJi embodies an exterior of resoluteness and direct agency that Wei WuXian doesn't have the luxury of. And he's so drawn to him for his ability to repeatedly say no, to refuse to get along, or make others laugh, make other people happy, but just simply follow what he thinks is right.

Wei WuXian’s outward wild movement protects an inward stillness. He is an exterior of people-pleasing around an interior of refusal. He is an exterior of youthful rebellion around an interior of unflinching morality. He sees in Lan WangJi the outward expression of his stillness, his morality, his resistance that he can't express, that he's had to protect.

FYI after the cut gets more into the dynamics of consent in the story, and the last paragraph directly talks about consensual non-consent kink play in wangxian’s relationship.

When Wei WuXian is with Lan WangJi, there is no work to be done. Lan WangJi cannot be swayed by him, and so there's no point vying for resources or favors. Lan WangJi will either give him everything or refuse him everything based on who he is, it does not matter what Wei WuXian does and he can't do anything that will change Lan WangJi’s mind. Someone he literally can't win over. After the resurrection, they are often in an adorable tug of war, where Wei WuXian tries to take care of Lan WangJi, while Lan WangJi won't allow him to but demands to care of Wei WuXian right back. Actually, Lan WangJi insists that Wei WuXian take everything he wants or needs from him and is even angry when he doesn't take or when Wei WuXian tries to offer a gesture in return, even something as simple as a thank you Lan WangJi won't accept. It’s kind of adorable how frustrated Wei WuXian is in doing this thing he's learned that he needs to do, and just... so confused by Lan WangJi, and has to find a way to please this person who aggressively refuses to be pleased and is ONLY pleased by Wei WuXian being pleased.

(Not to mention the way Wei WuXian delights in finding that Lan WangJi can’t say what he wants, and they have sort of these chaotic cohesive both-being-so-pleased-by-working-hard-to-please each-other moments where Wei WuXian is letting Lan WangJi please him by finding out what pleases Lan WangJi and giving it to him.)

The wildness Lan WangJi had always hidden within himself is something he sees as just as dangerous as Wei WuXian thinks of his desire to refuse. He saw his mother be socially alienated, shunned, and eventually die because of her wildness. His ability to survive in the world, aka to be accepted by his family, is contingent on him being able to control this inner wildness. From a young age (re: Phoenix Mountain kiss) he could only understand his sexual desires for Wei WuXian as something repulsive or dangerous that had to be repressed and controlled, and that the only way he could imagine his desires as possible was as non-consensual. His secret gay desires were never available to him as anything but something monstrous.

Importantly, it’s not like everyone else other than Lan WangJi are all vampires cruelly demanding Wei WuXian’s constant sacrifice. Wei WuXian is always vibrantly, charismatically offering so much, before anyone has asked. It’s Wei WuXian who creates this kind of relationship for himself again and again. It’s Lan WangJi who simply refuses - he refuses to charmed, to be cared for. And so in the end Lan WangJi becomes the one person who Wei WuXian feels doesn't need anything from him. When he says he's eating the corpse's fruit to save Lan WangJi money and Lan WangJi says that will never be necessary. Or when Wei WuXian asks what toy he should win for Lan WangJi at the market game, and Lan WangJi says anything Wei WuXian gets will be the one he wants. (XD stahhhhp it’s too sweet !!!) He really just wants Wei WuXian to be, to exist, to spend his life discovering his own desires and allow Lan WangJi to help satisfy them, he doesn't want anything from Wei WuXian other than him living - happy and safe.

It takes someone like Lan WangJi to refuse Wei WuXian’s aggressive generosity, it’s definitely not an easy thing to say no to Wei WuXian, dazzling or annoying people so chaotically before they even realize there’s something to say no to. The sacrifice he gives to Jiang Cheng, he never even offers a choice - and perhaps it would have been too much for Jiang Cheng to accept if he had the chance.

Lan WangJi’s statement "Between us there is no need for thank you and sorry" seems like one of the most important sentences in the novel, and you can’t help but noticed the way “sorry” and “thank you” is littered meaningfully through the book. What is owed, what the characters owe to each other, the give and take, touches every part of the story (down to wangxian's erotic explorations!).

When Jiang Cheng talks to Wei WuXian at the Guanyin temple he makes a lot of contradictory statements about what Wei WuXian owes, what he was given, what he took, what he (Wei WuXian still) is owed in return. Wei WuXian, according to Jiang Cheng, took everything from the Jiang clan, and paid them back with their deaths. The Jiang clan give him his life when they took him in, and he owed Jiang Cheng service for the rest of his life as the right hand to the sect leader, that’s what Wei WuXian had promised anyway. At the same time, Wei WuXian sacrificed everything (his golden core) to Jiang Cheng, by giving everything he was taking one more thing - Jiang Cheng’s right to even be angry at him. Jiang Cheng had taken everything from Wei WuXian. Everything that happened around Wei WuXian after could be said to be because of the loss of his golden core, which Jiang Cheng might be said to be responsible for. But he never asked for it, maybe he never would have wanted it. He wishes Wei WuXian told him, but Jiang Cheng never told Wei WuXian his golden core was melted while he was sacrificing himself to save Wei WuXian. He wants Wei wuxian to say sorry, but that makes him feel pathetic. And Jiang Cheng says sorry too. It’s a mess of paradoxes, and in the end somehow it seems like the scales are balanced in the most hollow, dismal way.

What is owed, what is given, what is taken ... Wei WuXian has never been part of a family. He has always had to say thank you and sorry for everything he's taken. Wei WuXian himself admits that he used "thank you" as a way to enforce distance between himself and Lan WangJi. Lan WangJi's point i think is that they belong to each other, Wei WuXian is his, and he is Wei WuXian's, unconditionally. The way that Jiang Cheng speaks of him in the Guanyin temple (admittedly I read a fan translation and this is very nuanced, related to slight variations of grammar), even when Jiang Cheng clearly is so broken by the loss of Wei WuXian from his life, he talks about Wei WuXian as an outsider. It is what MY family gave to YOU, never what you took from our family. But at one point Wei WuXian was part of their family - but he takes too much, and becomes an ex-disciple, not a brother. Wei WuXian’s inclusion as a Jiang was always conditional. 

Even when Wen Qing and Wen Ning leave him to go take the blame for qiongqing path they tell him "thank you and sorry", drawing a line between them and him, so he doesn’t even belong to these people who he sacrificed everything for. The way Wei WuXian acted when he was younger, he was always keenly aware of this - he always knew that he didn’t belong to anyone, no one is going to protect him unconditionally. And after first escaping the Burial Mounds, he is done pretending. When Lan WangJi warns him about what a demonic cultivation path will do to his heart, Wei WuXian replies: “After all, on the topic of how my heart is, what could other people know about it? Why should other people care about it?” He is done pleasing. Nothing has changed really, he still belongs to no one and is alone, but now he is angry about it, and instead of saying thank you and sorry he is going to become too powerful to be at anyone's mercy. And then we see in the story afterward what happens to people who don't say thank you and sorry.

The whole point I think is the impossibility of choice, the impossibility of consent in this society. If he didn't forgo the behaviour his social acceptance was conditional on, he wouldn't have survived the burial mounds. But once he becomes powerful enough to survive and get revenge on the Wens, he is socially outcast. Except he was already outcast from the beginning.

And so how do Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi find a way through all that to a life together where all their desires are possible, where Wei WuXian can say no while also being pleasing (safe) to others, and Lan WangJi can indulge in his wild desires while still being good? The answer is kinky sex!

It is kind of miraculous and beautiful how Wei WuXian finds a way to say no, while simultaneously pleasing Lan WangJi, giving pleasure, while taking it, saying no, and knowing his refusal is not just tolerated, but gives Lan WangJi pleasure, knowing Lan wangji and knowing the painful belief Lan WangJi holds within that his desires are unacceptable and unspeakable, and that Wei WuXian can take care of Lan Wangji in a secret little way and please him and give everything to him by craving this wildness in Lan WangJi while at the same time he gets to say no again and again , and it won't push Lan WangJi away, he can refuse everything while at the same time be totally pleasing and thus safe, and also for Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian's pleasure at saying "no" while still being held onto, that he genuinely wants to be fucked even while begging Lan WangJi to stop (and the many ways he does give his consent for this throughout, especially their first time), allows Lan WangJi the ecstatic feeling that this idea that his sexual desires are only possible through force are not just something his lover forgives him for but something his lover is SO turned on by, and that he has consent for his fantasies of non-consent, Wei WuXian has the same fantasies from the other side, he is doing what he is supposed to while doing what he shouldn't, and actually these monstrous feelings in him allow him to take care of Wei WuXian in a way that he needs - that they both need - and all these impulses that are so wrong with Wei WuXian become very right and a way to do good. And they are just both so perfect and perfect for each other and I love them and I am so happy for them to have a long kinky life together.

#wangxian #mdzs #mdzs meta #holds wei wuxian close and murmurs into his hair 'no one knows you like i know you baby'

[june-again]

genshin masterlist !

「　spotlight　」

a chasmic mistake. childe x lumine; completed series. tartaglia was the last person she would like to be stuck in the chasm with.

「　by region　」

MONDSTADT : ⋆ sleep tight, dandelion knight. 0.6k. jean. reverse comfort.

⠀you come into her office late at night to apologize.

⋆ good enough. 0.8k. kaeya. songfic, angst.

⠀kaeya had no business being so interested in a criminal.

⋆ you say you see them as the main character. (1/4) seperate voiceline-style headcanons. platonic fluff/interaction.

LIYUE : ⋆ you say you see them as the main character. (2/4) seperate voiceline-style headcanons. platonic fluff/interaction.

INAZUMA :

⋆ enchanted. 0.8k. kazuha. meetcute, songfic.

⠀that night, kazuha kaedehara saved your life.

⋆ lent. 0.7k. kazuha. angst, songfic.

⠀whether he would admit it or not, kazuha was running.

⋆ you say you see them as the main character. (3/4) seperate voiceline-style headcanons. platonic fluff/interaction.

⋆ lightning on the sunniest day. kazuha. 12k.

⠀you are the endo clan’s heir. your life has been spent within the walls your home, preparing for your fixed destiny. but then you meet kazuha, who, despite being similar in carrying an honorable family name, is your opposite in many other ways. he seeks the unknown, and enjoys sleeping under the stars with the night breeze. by the time you realize you’ve fallen for him, he’s about to join a sailing crew and be gone from your life forever. if you can’t change his mind, you’ll have a decision to make. ㅤㅤㅤ↪ wind on the calmest eve. 2k. epilogue. ⋆ on the view of liyue harbour. 500w. kazuha. fluff, scenic.

⠀danger is always on the wind when you and kazuha travel together.

SUMERU :

⋆ walk home. 500w. 4ggravate. platonic.

⠀"do you want us to walk you home?" ⠀you break down into tears unexpectedly when trying to say goodbye to your friends for the night.

⋆ you're so tired. 400w. kaveh. platonic.

⠀but a sunset and an architect give you hope.

⋆ why do you hate him so much? 1k. kaveh. platonic.

⠀this was not what you expected from a coffee date.

⋆ the beautiful implications of his missing hairbrush. 0.4k. kaveh. fluff.

⠀he can't wait for you to come home again.

⋆ you say you see them as the main character. (4/4) seperate voiceline-style headcanons. platonic fluff/interaction.

⋆ following a long day. 0.5k. kaveh, comfort.

⋆ kaveh birthday post. 0.3k.

⠀brainrot about his face.

⋆ chronically ill!reader. 0.4k. kaveh. comfort (headcanons).

⠀he believes you when you say you're in pain.

⋆ poison tree. 0.7k. tighnari. songfic, platonic.

⠀you would never be at home in teyvat.

⋆ will he change his mind about you? 1k. alhaitham. platonic.

⠀you've been meaning to ask him this for awhile.

⋆ he does your hair. 400w. kaveh. platonic, fluff.

⠀how does he do this by himself every morning?

⋆ those who trespass. 2k. cyno. adventure, platonic.

⠀even a lie can cost a life. or save it.

⋆ deliver me. 3k. tighnari. adventure, pining.

⠀who is saving who now?

⋆ second life. 1k. tighnari. whump.

⠀after you confess your feelings to tighnari, his reaction warrants your move across sumeru to start a new life. and yet you are forced, mortifyingly, to see him again.

⋆ something tremendous. 1k. tighnari. platonic.

⠀how quickly strangers can become something more.

FONTAINE

⋆ a radiant feast. 0.7k lyney, etc. platonic.

⠀ lyney asks you for a favour.

SNEZHNAYA

⋆ his type. 400w. tartaglia. fluff.

⋆ childe-ish. 150w. tartaglia. angst.

「　collections　」

⋆ they give you a new necklace. (kaveh, lyney, zhongli)

⠀and they offer to do up the clasp.

⋆ a visit to the library. (kaeya, alhaitham, thoma)

⠀...never goes as expected.

HOME

#gi x reader #genshin x reader #kazuha x reader #zhongli x reader #diluc x reader #kaeya x reader #junenav

[anthropwashere]

thank u for the tags yelling at us youths to sit up straight. im only 23 but disabled and my back is about the only part of me that ISNT fucked up yet, so i will attempt to not destroy my spinal cord in your honor (•̀ᴗ•́)و

Gonna take this as an opportunity to go off on a tangent and emphasize how out of nowhere your health can 180 in ways that will have a lasting impact for the rest of your life, and that this can happen at any moment no matter how careful or healthy you try to be

-I grew up poor enough to not have regular access to medical/dental/etc. for years at a time, avoided serious issues by sheer fucking luck and an extended family that did not sign up to raise another kid but thank christ they stepped up for me.

-managed to stay healthy enough to join the Air Force at 18. this was good news because the alternative was being homeless (again), which gosh got old fast. free medical? fuck yeah, uncle sam! my teeth are a mess and it sure would be nice to have glasses again!

-knees started acting up in BMT. slowly got worse as the years passed. haven't needed surgery yet but they make some wild gristly sounds when I go up stairs these days and anything more than a casual running regimen is immediately vetoed

-deployed when I was 22. wearing body armor was Not Great for my upper back. lost ability to pop anything in my spine from the shoulder blades up, gained some truly unsexy shooting pains in exchange

-several years of severe headaches i ignored because lmao childhood trauma and also not wanting to be seen as weak due to being just about the only enlisted woman in almost every unit/office i worked in.

-marriage imploded at 26 which gosh, did NOT do good things for the mild anxiety/depression i'd been staunchly ignoring for like a decade at that point. i used to think commercials for anti-depressants were like, rude satire. nope. that really is just how shitty a brain can get!

-apropos of FUCKALL I woke up one morning just before I turned 27 with a headache that has varied in intensity and location but has never gone away. latest diagnosis is a type of headache that's so persistent and resistant to treatment that there are known cases of people having this type for 30+ years. i could be one of those unlucky fucks! or it could go away tomorrow! we just don't know!

-spent 2018-2021 making EXTENSIVE USE of that free medical trying to figure out what the hell was going on or to at least find literally anything that will help reduce/control it. I have at this moment within arm's reach something like $2k worth of medical devices I got for free to help with the migraines.

-they don't.

-one time i tried to do a tally of how much I would have had to be pay out of pocket for all the primary care visits, the specialty care visits, the physical therapy, the stupid fucking useless acupuncture, the Botox, the ~16 different medications, the ER visits from bad reactions to medications, etc. etc. etc. if i hadn't been in the AF and I decided to go lay down in a dark room with an ice pack and not think about it instead.

-i did spend thousands out of pocket on a chiropractor, massages, and gas to keep driving to all those fucking appointments.

-during all this the constant migraines wreaked havoc on my neck, jaw, and shoulders, which in turn contributed to a vicious cycle of pain where doing anything beyond boiling myself in a dark shower 1-2 times a day did not only seem more trouble than it was worth, but WAS more trouble than it was worth.

-i was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 28. the rheumatology clinic gave me a pamphlet that was less informative than a google search and a politely phrased 'you're young and you still have all your limbs, why are you complaining? go away.'

-fibromyalgia diagnosis was given despite more evidence pointing to Sjogren's syndrome, which is an actual autoimmune disorder that sure, won't kill me, but it WOULD explain why my teeth have only gotten worse despite extremely thorough annual workups. it can cause all sorts of fun organ dysfunctions too. i could also go blind! either way neither is curable and whatever i've got showed up a decade earlier than is typically expected for my demographic!

-it wasn't any of the squillion medical experts i saw but literally just some other woman in my squadron who suggested i put my name on the Airborne Hazards and Open Burn Pit Registry, because she developed all sorts of autoimmune fuckery after her deployment. all of That is still being researched and debated and such, and has been for decades. maybe breathing too much sand and burning garbage gave me brain damage! maybe not!

-also during all this i lost half my hair due to damage caused by using Devacurl products. if you use that brand there are currently multiple lawsuits going on! you or your loved ones may be entitled to compensation, etc.

-anyway i turned 30 this year and a month later the Air Force kicked me out with 90% disability pay, a couple anti-depressant/anxiety prescriptions, and 0 fanfare.

-things could have gone so much worse for me and STILL COULD AT ANY MOMENT. I never considered myself invincible when I was younger but my good fucking gracious chronic pain isn't something i'd wish on anybody. i am terrified of the state my body might be in when i'm 40, never mind when i'm actually old. i am terrified of tomorrow. this is probably the severe anxiety talking.

-at least i've managed to avoid the heart disease rampant in my family? so far????

IN CONCLUSION, TO THE YOUTHS:

sit up straight, do some stretches, go for walkies, eat a vegetable, turn the music down a little, clean linens are the best gift you can give yourself, however much water you typically drink in a day it isn't enough, therapy does actually help, it's okay to be mad sometimes but i'm begging you to find at least one thing to laugh about every day, please take care of yourselves, and most importantly ENJOY your bodies while the going's good. this meat is expiring fast and there are no refunds.

#chronic pain #chronic salt #migraine hell

[krisrix]

Saw a post about the "lack” of trauma in Wayward Son, especially in comparison to the representations of trauma in Carry On. Which seemed like a gross oversimplification of the many ways trauma can manifest and therefore came across to me as dismissive and gate-keeping, whether or not that was the intent.

There is no one correct way of experiencing, exhibiting, or depicting mental health/trauma. And these things shift within everyone all the time. The way a person’s trauma manifests at one point will not be how it always manifests. That’s part of the problem.

So, I thought I would offer some of my own thoughts about the ways we see Simon and Baz’s mental health issues and trauma played out in WS, especially in comparison to how we see it in CO.

This is NOT exhaustive. I am likely going to forget many things. But it’s something.

Simon:

Simon shows signs of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria

These were all things he had in CO, but they were well-hidden thanks to his compartmentalization abilities and the fact that he was held together by pure stress and adrenaline at all times

Pretty much every single thing shown to us in CO is also shown to us in WS, though sometimes in more subtle ways - name it, it’s probably there

Now that he has his own space, his own rules, and no reason to fear for his life on a constant basis (no care homes, no attacks, no Big Bad, no roommate out to get him), he actually has SAFETY and COMFORT for the first time in his life - and he has no fucking clue what to do with it!

He crumples under the complete LACK of pressure - it was the only thing holding him together

He’s developed a drinking problem, neglected his hygiene, dropped out of school, and gained weight due to lack of maintaining his usual levels of self-care - this is not someone being “listless” - this is someone with mental health concerns on a level where intervention is needed

But rather than tackle this, Simon forces his brain to continue its attempts at compartmentalization, and he stops going to therapy

Except he can’t do that anymore, because Pandora’s box has been opened - AND, again, he has no external pressures keeping him going

He feels hopeless about his future and views himself as completely useless

His self-esteem is awful to the point where he is sabotaging his own health and relationship

He thinks he’s showing Baz “who is really is”, but he’s actually just discrediting himself entirely, showing us his self-destructive hero complex in a different way than in CO

He’s still reactive and loses control - he screams at Penny when she uses her magic on him, he’s itching for a fight, and he’s also channelled a lot of this into possessiveness

He still shows his black-and-white morality continuously throughout the book - not trusting the vampires, throwing his life on the line to save Agatha even though he knows it’s a trap, still quoting the Mage, etc

He only comes to life when he finally has a reason to be useful again

He kills vampires and possibly kills Terry - this is not surprising - he spent his entire childhood as a soldier, slashing things, blowing things up, etc - WS is showing us this side to him explicitly, whereas it was more glossed over in CO - but it was always there (he killed an excitable dog in CO, remember?)

He is disfigured - he cannot go out in public without depending on someone’s magic (which we already know from CO that he hates!) or covering up oddly in a trenchcoat

Even with those things, he can’t go confined places - like the Tube - or a public toilet!!!

Prior to Penny’s new spell, he had not been able to sit up straight properly for over a year - OVER A YEAR - he probably has chronic pain on top of the trauma of this

Baz:

Simon tells us he’s “blossoming” - that does not mean it’s necessarily true

Baz has thrown himself completely into his studies, and whenever he is not on campus, he is babysitting Simon

He is still coping with self-destructive martyrdom - he devotes all his time to Simon and does whatever he can to make Simon comfortable

One remnant of their history as enemies manifests in how Baz is terrified to set his boundaries in the relationship - he’s always on eggshells, he’s always counting himself lucky to be in Simon’s good graces at all, after everything

He watches everything he says around Simon - he’s terrified of giving Simon a reason to officially end things - the teaching-Simon-to-drive scene is a perfect example - it’s sweet and flirty and sexy, but also, Baz is SO careful about making sure Simon doesn’t get frustrated with him or the process

He still sees himself as unworthy of love - which is why he would rather have what little shreds of a relationship they still have left, than nothing at all

He is MISERABLE in America - he is starving and being burned alive and gets shot multiple times!! And he never once complains - that’s not admirable - that’s sad - that’s really fucking sad

He continues to put all of his dignity and pride into his external self, both visually and through his academic achievements, rather than into his mental and emotional well-being - perhaps even MORE than ever before, given how much he’s “blossomed” despite not going to therapy

These are high-functioning mental health issues - not a lack of them

He still hides his vulnerability and affections - he still never feels safe being himself - both as a vampire and as Simon’s boyfriend - coincidence? I think the fuck not

He likens Simon kissing him after the Ren Faire fight to when they shared magic, taking down the dragon - he thinks about how this time, he doesn’t need to pretend he’s not soaring inside - and then a few hours pass, and Simon pulls away from his kiss, and Baz has to go right back to hiding

He spent his entire childhood playing the villain, and now that he doesn’t have to anymore, we get to see that this is not who he was in the slightest

He’s the one appalled when Penny is doing illegal things - he’s the one always trying to talk them out of an altercation - he WANTS to be good but wasn’t allowed to before

He IS loyal - very loyal - and Simon uses this against him in subtle ways

He has no idea who he is - but we do get to see him try to find out, thankfully - it’s a matter of how much of this he is willing to accept and use as a catalyst for his own self-actualization - this is a journey he has only just begun - which should be celebrated, not seen as a dismissal of his struggles which came before

“You live in fear! In denial!” - pretty sure that says it all

There is so much more than this, but I am just so fucking tired.

Feel free to reblog, add your own thoughts, counter-points, etc. I love a good discussion. Just be respectful, ok? It’s not hard.

#simon snow #baz pitch #snowbaz #wayward son #simon snow series #trauma #sss meta #this is not what I needed to spend my entire morning on #but here we are