#and i just like didnt get invested that way again but fuck man ouch. that hurts. it really really makes me wish id pushed myself to post and

[bestial4ngel]

Wow, okay but like… realizing I seriously never understood what it’s ACTUALLY like to enjoy fandom and participate in it all these years, I just always surface level enjoyed most things and didn’t get the same amount of enjoyment or investment that everyone else seems to I just sort of passively, surface level enjoyed it and never posted or made anything related cuz I was too nervous but considered myself a fan anyways cuz I liked seeing others enjoy the fandom and make stuff for it and I thought thats what being part of it is… I really didn’t realize that most people more than like it and find actual joy in it till like a couple months ago. fuck.

#no but the fact that im 18 and have been on the internet since 14 but never felt the actual gut wrenching mourning seriously angry and sad #and torn feeling when a musician turns out to be a pos until THIS YEAR #because i truly genuinely just never cared all that much even if i liked stuff i just ‘liked’ it. it wasnt like close to me or important- #to me #all that time i read ppls posts about being DEVASTATED abt stuff like that and ppl having it happen over and over and feeling so fucking- #upset from it… and i legit was like damn that sucks ig. and i never actually GOT what they meant when they said it hurts so fucking bad to- #have that happen cuz ot never hit hard for me cuz i never had it be more than passing interest #goddamn. wow. #i cant tell if this is cuz my second fandom experience (sherlock 🤡) blew up in my face like a few months after i got into it #and i just like didnt get invested that way again but fuck man ouch. that hurts. it really really makes me wish id pushed myself to post and #make art and stuff when i was younger cuz its sad i missed out on the experience of being in a fandom #and more to the point the experience of just actually truly enjoying something and loving it and getting joy from it ?? #and like ik 18 is young but now i feel old and like its too late or something lol #… #me talking #vent tw #ig ? #fuck