#upset from it… and i legit was like damn that sucks ig. and i never actually GOT what they meant when they said it hurts so fucking bad to-

[bestial4ngel]

Wow, okay but like… realizing I seriously never understood what it’s ACTUALLY like to enjoy fandom and participate in it all these years, I just always surface level enjoyed most things and didn’t get the same amount of enjoyment or investment that everyone else seems to I just sort of passively, surface level enjoyed it and never posted or made anything related cuz I was too nervous but considered myself a fan anyways cuz I liked seeing others enjoy the fandom and make stuff for it and I thought thats what being part of it is… I really didn’t realize that most people more than like it and find actual joy in it till like a couple months ago. fuck.

#no but the fact that im 18 and have been on the internet since 14 but never felt the actual gut wrenching mourning seriously angry and sad #and torn feeling when a musician turns out to be a pos until THIS YEAR #because i truly genuinely just never cared all that much even if i liked stuff i just ‘liked’ it. it wasnt like close to me or important- #to me #all that time i read ppls posts about being DEVASTATED abt stuff like that and ppl having it happen over and over and feeling so fucking- #upset from it… and i legit was like damn that sucks ig. and i never actually GOT what they meant when they said it hurts so fucking bad to- #have that happen cuz ot never hit hard for me cuz i never had it be more than passing interest #goddamn. wow. #i cant tell if this is cuz my second fandom experience (sherlock 🤡) blew up in my face like a few months after i got into it #and i just like didnt get invested that way again but fuck man ouch. that hurts. it really really makes me wish id pushed myself to post and #make art and stuff when i was younger cuz its sad i missed out on the experience of being in a fandom #and more to the point the experience of just actually truly enjoying something and loving it and getting joy from it ?? #and like ik 18 is young but now i feel old and like its too late or something lol #… #me talking #vent tw #ig ? #fuck

[jasntodds]

um hi I'm really sorry but I love your blog and I'm just feeling lonely rn and needed someone to rant to? If u don't wanna deal with this just say so or ignore it, i 100% understand! So I'm going off to uni next month and I'm so nervous about it bc of my social anxiety and how I'm gonna make friends and stuff. and I'm 18 and never had a boyfriend or anything and I'm super insecure and just found out the only guy I sorta had a thing with for a while moved away and he's with someone now. (Part 1)

and I'm over him for the most part but it just got me thinking cuz all this while I was okay not having a boyfriend in high school cuz I thought it'd happen in uni which now I don't think it ever will. And I've just been obsessively scrolling through my instagram for the last hour looking at all my pretty and gorgeous friends and how the guys I'm even slightly interested in don't even give me a second glance or always ignore me when I attempt to talk to them (part 2)  (Part 3) and I wanted to work on myself for the 4 months I had off but clearly that didn't work bc I'm still insecure as hell and super anxious and idk what to do. I'm really sorry this was a 3 part rant and idk if u do this sorta stuff on your blog. Thanks for listening anyway and hope you have a wonderful day xx  

My dude, I promise, there’s nothing wrong with not having a boyfriend in high school. I know a LOT of people who didn’t get their first boyfriend until after high school. It seems like this huge deal now but I promise, it’s not. I WISH I wouldn’t have dated in high school, dead serious.But I do understand that like something like that guy moving and dating someone can get to you. I’ve been there and it does suck. And despite popular opinion, you can be upset. You’re allowed to feel that way for a little while. But, my dude, listen, scrolling through IG and looking at women who photoshop themselves or facetune themselves/have other people do it, have DAMN good lighting, literally just know how to take a good selfie or have someone take a good picture for them, etc. It’s not good. Like, people who are drop-dead gorgeous get self-conscious from looking on IG people.And here’s a spoiler: most boys are just UGH and they stay that way into their twenties, I can confirm. So honestly, don’t take boys not being interested to the heart. It’s their loss which I know is WAY easier said than done but really, if you can get that mindset, you’ll be alright. It’s the truth.You can still work on yourself. Sometimes it takes a long time to do that. It took me YEARS of trying. Literal years to like go “yeah I like me this is cool” and that’s after being made of for how I look, being rejected a lot, being ghosted a lot, being broken up with a lot, and someone pretending to like me as a joke. Working on insecurities and self-esteem and self-confidence, that stuff doesn’t usually come in just a few months. It comes with a lot of time and effort but even then, it’s okay to have those days where you just don’t feel GREAT or even good. And those are perfectly allowed. You can work on yourself through school and starting over at Uni might even make that easier and better for you.I’ve got social anxiety so I get the whole “AAAAAAHHHHH NEW PEOPLE” thing so I’m not gonna tell you to like...........go out of your way and talk to people (I mean hey, if you’re feeling it, DO IT but if now) make sure you try and look genuinely happy, approachable, and just open and people WILL talk to you. And I PROMISE, you’ll be okay. If you think you’re awkward because of it, you’re not nearly as awkward as you think you are and most people don’t even really notice. It’s kind of a normal thing now.I legit promise you, you’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna do amazing at uni and make some friends, even just one or two. And yeah, maybe a guy will come but if not, that’s okay. Focus on YOU. I can promise it’ll be a damn good decision.

#Anonymous #kaylee answers

[paniccord-ff]

14.

From the corner of my eye I see Daniel, I have not seen him or spoken to him since my birthday party. I don’t see Bailey anymore because they have moved her and then put me back on the Emergency department, I am so happy that has happened because I was ready to slap that sour faced hoe. Daniel on the other hand, he is still with me on the team but I think he has been off ill. I have been back for three days but I am off again, I am counting down the hours until I go home. When I mean home, I mean New Jersey and with Chris. Funny thing today, I was helping this lady get out of bed and her son said he has seen me before, and then he said I am one of Chris Brown’ models. I accepted that though, I rather they think that. But I do get looks, like people know me. Placing my phone back in my locker before closing the door, Daniel glared at me but looked away. Placing the lock on my locker “are you just going to keep on staring or talk to me? I have already cut that bitch off” I like to know if he is just going to be like that “well you are too good for us” he took his top off to change it “that is bullshit, I wouldn’t be here if I was. Me being with Chris doesn’t change anything, if you don’t want to be friends then say it. I know you wanted more but..” I shrugged not knowing what to say “I am just not that guy, maybe I should be a dick. Maybe I should just be like him, being nice gets you nowhere” he is so bitter “you don’t know him like that, it’s sad that I have lost people that I called friends. It’s fine, you only liked me for my looks. You sniffed around me because you wanted to date me, forget it” I don’t want to know, I don’t have friends anymore.

Placing my I.D badge over my neck as I walked out of the locker room “Rylee, I am sorry” Daniel held my arm to stop me walking “it’s not like that at all” he let my arm go “I am still friends with you, you know why I am upset. You just said it, I like you a lot and I rather be friends then lose you like that. I haven’t spoken to Bailey either, I have been off” seeing my manager, I better walk or I will look like I am doing nothing “then say that then, don’t just give me looks like I am just shit. Daniel, you’re a nice guy but it’s not me. You can judge me and judge my decision to be with him, but it felt right” Daniel doesn’t want to hear it, he don’t like that I am talking about Chris “you dipped with him that night, I knew you was his. As soon as you left with him I knew. As long as you are happy, he makes you happy then who am I to say. I am still butt hurt though” Daniel flashed a smile at me “you still bomb, I still get to see you in this uniform” side eyeing him “you’re stupid” slowly walking “Rylee, resuscitation room” my manager called “that is me” skipping off, I know what Daniel is looking at while I walk away.

Walking side by side with Daniel “don’t you think old people are really rude? She called me stupid, I’m like ma’am do I look stupid? Then she said I was rude. I was helping her as much as I could” Daniel said, pushing the doors open “that is why I don’t like dealing with them but I also don’t like dealing with kids, especially when they are badly hurt. Gets to me, recently it has been. I gagged at the sight of blood and then Sarah told me to suck it up. I don’t know what is wrong with me” shaking my head, my mom is constantly on my mind now “you’ll get over it, honestly. I did” Daniel placed his hands on my shoulders “you’re good at your job, why you think you are back with us” smiling at Daniel, he is a little too close for comfort and is touching me “thank you” looking around the entrance, Chris is not even here “you need a ride home?” Daniel moved his arm away from me, stepping in front of me “uhm, no. Chris said he would pick me up, clearly not” it’s a blessing he is not here, he would have been annoyed with him touching me “oh, you already got him under the thumb and shit. You must have some magical p cause Chris Brown has the best parties ever, I know a friend that went. That nigga had an orgy party” why is he even telling me this “thanks” I said rolling my eyes.

Looking down at my watch and Chris is still not here, this is not even fair. I told him I would drive, he is so stubborn and said don’t “text him, tell him I will take you” Daniel will not just go away “Brandon, my nigga. The hell you doing here!?” Daniel spat as this very tall black guy walked over to us “my boy got stabbed, I came out for some air. You good?” crossing my arms as I stepped back “yeah, just waiting with my friend. Don’t want to leave her alone” I don’t know this man, I am not going to be nice. Looking to the side of me “what’s your name? Ain’t you the girl on Breezy’ IG? Shiit” I am literally the girl on his IG to these people “it’s Rylee, she is my homie. That’s her boyfriend, he coming now” Daniel said. What is this, a show “my god” I said in a whisper “I’m Brandon, if you are Daniel’ homie then that makes you my homie” looking up at this guy “you wish I was your homie, Daniel is about to lose the homie title soon” Daniel gasped “why? Oh Come on Rylee, you are so touchy with me, look. I am joking” he placed his hand over his chest “I will stop airing it out, I am happy for you” that is a damn lie “sure, you can go. I am fine on my own” I don’t need the audience “aye T, Chris Brown finna come” that guy shouted at another friend of his, glaring at Daniel.

Hitting Daniel’ arm “see what you have done now, forget you. You think this is some joke. You talk about my man having orgies and then telling every nigga he is coming, fuck you” I spat, Daniel chuckled “come on you little bajan fire cracker” feeling his arms wrap around my waist as he pulled me back towards him “don’t fucking do that!” I shouted, Daniel moved his arms away and held his hands up “oh shit, Chris Brown is legit here” that Brandon guy said, my eyes widened turning around “your nigga hates me” Daniel said, why is Chris even out of the car “what the fuck ever” looking around my surroundings before I walked across the road towards him, Chris is not even looking at me. He is looking at the boys, we are not doing this today “you’re here, finally” I need him to not be like this “what you looking at nigga!?” Chris spat “you got something to say!?” I won’t have them annoying Chris just so they can record him “he touched you, I saw it” grabbing Chris’ hand “please, I want to go” I just need to get out of here, I feel slightly upset.

I am finding it so hard to keep a straight face, if I cry then Chris will want to kill him. I don’t know why I am so emotional “Rylee, what is wrong?” Chris asked and that was it, tears fell “we turning back” Chris pressed on the brake so hard “don’t, please. Don’t” looking up trying to keep these tears from falling “then why are you crying!? Did he do something to you? I saw him holding you” flicking the tears away, looking at Chris “I am becoming very angry, why are you crying!?” Chris parked the car on the side street “because I am just feeling emotional, can I not cry?” Chris held my hand but I snatched it away “then you hate me? Is it me? What is it?” I need to stop crying but these tears, digging into my handbag looking for a tissue “I was just waiting for you, you wasn’t coming. I just wanted to leave the situation, I had guys around me and then Daniel grabbed me like that. I just didn’t like it, then it’s like everyone was laughing at me, you know. I just don’t know ok, it’s a lot” grabbing a tissue “I have no friends left, it hurts. I am not like that, I wouldn’t be like that with others” why is everyone so shit to me.

The silence in the car, Chris didn’t speak a single word which worried me “I am sorry for crying, just so much emotions” he seems so dangerous when quiet “Chris, talk to me. Why are you quiet?” I feel bad now, I feel so stupid too “you crying in front of me and I can’t do shit, I am so angry. You won’t let me beat his ass, I wanted to beat him but I listened to you. That motherfucker!” Chris hit his steering wheel, I cringed “I need air” he opened the car door, closing my eyes as slammed the door shut. I shouldn’t have cried in front of him, I know Chris and I know his anger. I don’t want him to ever do anything stupid like hit him, he is so much better than that. You know what also annoyed me, how people keep on saying I am just that girl on his IG page.

Chris got back in the car “you know it hurts when you cry, I am sorry I was late. I was dropping Royalty off with my mom, I got late because of it. Forgive me, you’re losing these friends because of me too. I am sorry” frowning at Chris “don’t say that, they were never friends if they left me like this. I am over it now, I am happier with you. You mean more” a smile formed on Chris’ face “so I mean more now? I feel like I am getting on step closer, I do feel so bad. You didn’t deserve the shit they gave you, I am about to get you a bodyguard. I don’t like you working there but honestly, I respect you enough to not demand you to leave. You will have the last laugh baby, look at us now. We will be going New Jersey and then Paris, about to spoil you” smiling as I looked down, feeling Chris press a kiss to the side of my face “my mom is not going to like you spoiling me” looking up at him, pressing a kiss to his lips “for every tear you cried that is how many diamonds I will buy you” bringing my hand up and stroking the side of his face “for every time you listen to me is a step closer to having these lips on your dick, I appreciate that you do respect me enough to not do something” Chris inhaled deeply against my neck “we got each other Rylee” Chris moved back, I guess he is right. I have him now.

Chris got me frozen yoghurt to make me feel better “you didn’t have too you know” Chris put his car engine on “look at the smile on your face, I knew it would” taking a scoop of the frozen yoghurt “I am going to drop you off, be ready in the morning. We will be leaving at nine in the morning” swallowing the scoop I put in my mouth “erm, what? You will be with me so?” I said confused “studio babe, I want to get my album done. Being with you has given me so much material but I will be there tonight” placing a scoop of frozen yoghurt in front of his face, he ate it “right, that can’t happen. What about sleep? Eat? You need to sleep Chris” that is stupid “I can get some on the jet there, it’s cool” shaking my head at him “Chris, I want you to sleep. I don’t like it, I defrosted the meat. I can’t eat all of that to myself? You do need to sleep” I said, Chris chuckled “wow babe, make it for me. When I get in I will eat it, I will try and get some sleep” Chris not sleeping is a thing I do not like to hear.

I still feel stupid I cried “promise me you won’t ever speak to Bailey, you won’t ever hit Daniel. I know you will hold that grudge but I don’t want the stories” Chris will eventually get Daniel, I don’t know when but he will “I got you, I was about to beat his ass at that moment. Who were those guys? They were recording me” I shrugged “a friend of his, he said that you had an orgy party? Is that true?” looking at Chris’ reaction he just chuckled “honestly, I did but I swear I didn’t have the orgy myself. It’s irrelevant now, I am happy with you. I read your text too, stop thinking negative about your mom, she will pull through. Honestly, I just want happiness for this little trip away, you will get to see my life. See the people I work with, I got my stylist to get you some outfits. Just pick what you want in Paris, I am not sure with makeup. This is new to me, I told him that you are naturally beautiful but get someone” staring at Chris in awe “you really doing that for me?” I feel emotional again “yeah, it’s nothing. You got me feeling something I never thought I would be able to feel, I never thought I would change. Just let me spoil you this weekend, you can’t say no anything got it?” nodding my head “fine, I am so nervous. God, this is so different” I need to accept his lifestyle, he accepts mine with working.

Chris walked me inside my apartment “so if you need me, call me. I will be back” placing my handbag on the couch “Chris you think we are going too fast with things?” what if it all goes wrong, I am loving this but it feels like we have been together for years “you know when you know, you know. With you Rylee, I know” I don’t really want him to go, I won’t say it though “I am glad you annoyed me until I broke, you have bought great joy into my life. Meeting my parents already too, so exciting. But I do want you to have some sleep, either here or at home, up to you. Just rest up, I will see you in the morning. I will still make you some food, I will be eating all alone now” poking my lips out looking up at Chris in sadness “you making it hard for me to leave, I never want to see you cry again though. I will beat his ass, let him know that. My bodyguards will come for him, oh yeah. You will meet them, I am only bringing two of them” my frown turned into a smile “I am staying away from them, I am going to apply for a whole different part of the hospital. I need it, I am done with it. Are these bodyguards really big and handsome? Like sweep me off my feet with their big muscular arms” Chris eyeballed me “let me find out you are getting wet over other men, I barely allow a man to talk to you. There will be trouble” I yelped out as Chris gripped my butt “you mine now” holding me close, tightening my arms around him “only wet for you” he smells so good.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfiction