#and i just wish it was like that for me too. idk. sometimes i get really... not jealous but bitter? about the fact that i ended up

[brisquad-unit-4402]

luxiem as bad sex

don’t worry about it this is mostly for the lolz. might fuck around and do this for other livers next time i feel restless. make sure to properly communicate with your partner

tags: gender neutral reader, established relationship, smut, humor/crack, chatfic in shu’s entry, public sex, uki violeta cameo, cheating/ntr mention, just imagine the baldur’s gate 3 scene with the luxiem guy of your choice you know what i’m talking about

⚠️ nsfw under the cut. content not intended for minors.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

🖋 Ike Eveland: anatomy

there is a chance that, when you sleep with ike, despite his title, it’s his first time.

25% chance says that he fully does not know what he’s doing, and asks you for a full-blown tutorial on how to stick part a into part b.

25% chance says that he fully does not know what he’s doing but he doesn’t even admit to it. it’s a lot of trial and error and insistence that no, don’t worry, i got this when he very clearly does not.

25% chance that, for the first time in his life, eroge has come in clutch. he understands! kind of. it’s more like as he penetrates you he tries to compare your sounds to the moans of eroge characters. the more you sound like a hentai protagonist the better. it’s also worth noting he pumps into you to the beat of a huniepop song that worked its way into his head while he was trying to figure out what’s a good or bad sound.

and finally 25% chance that it’s just fine.

but let it be known that he 100% does not know how to find the clit. barely knows how to find the prostate either. ike won’t admit to either of these things

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

🦁 Luca Kaneshiro: openness

never let it be said luca is solitary. he’s social and likes to explore different spaces. it means dates happen often, and so does getting dragged off to give him head in public.

this would be fine if it was a bathroom stall. you know, the standard couple spots. what you didn’t expect was in a fairly open alley. or an amusement park ride with automatic souvenir pictures. or on the shady side of a beach full of people.

hell, even when you get into a changing room while shopping there’s still a risk. he’s gotten you to jack him off while wearing not-yet-purchased jeans more than once and as exciting as it was you have no clue what happened to the poor retail workers that had to find them hanging on the return-to-hanger rack.

at home he leaves doors open since it’s just the two of you, including when he goes down on you. he leaves them open when there’s guests, too, and guides you into your bedroom when he needs a break from talking to people. the doors are still open. you’re a master at being quiet but sometimes his puppy wanders around looking for his owner, and…

(side note: not about sex but i just know he would leave the door open or walk in on you using the bathroom and that terrifies me)

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

👟 Shu Yamino: attentiveness

Me: hey

Me: hey

Me: are you awake??

taro_twink: abt to sleep

taro_twink: what do you want shu

Me: idk c:

taro_twink: so you blew up my phone??? bitch??

Me: fjakajsjsldj i wanted to talk to my friend!

taro_twink: wish granted

taro_twink: wyd?

Me: reader

taro_twink: don’t text on a date

Me: we’re at home

taro_twink: go spend time with reader then ffs

Me: i am

Me: reader feels really nice c:

taro_twink: wait

Me: and i like making reader say my name too

taro_twink: SHSKDKLSJA

taro_twink: WHAT FHE FUXK

taro_twink: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TEXTINF ME RIFHT NOW

taro_twink: SHU YAMINO WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU

Me: dw reader hasn’t noticed my phone yet

taro_twink: THIS ISNT ABOUT READER ITS ABOUT ME

Me: my phone is by the pillow so it’s hard to see

taro_twink: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TEXTING WHILE SCREWING SOMEONE????????????

Me: yea :homiekiss:

taro_twink: you are fucked up and i’m going to bed

taro_twink: so done with you jfc

taro_twink: gn

taro_twink: bye

taro_twink: if you say anything else i’m blocking your number

Me: you’re no fun

taro_twink: you are literally texting me while you’re doing your partner i don’t want to hear it

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

👹 Vox Akuma: names

vox is noisy. delightfully so. it’s easy to communicate with him because he’s unconsciously vocal whenever he likes something.

these sounds, however, are usually limited to grunts, moans and cries. all well and good, but when things get more intense, he’s more inclined to scream your name.

and when his dick is in your mouth he can’t think straight, in the worst way.

this is just to say that even when you’re not roleplaying, he’s cried out a lot of names that aren’t yours. usually celebrities or fictional characters. you’ve lost count of how many tall/dark/handsome guys with long hair he’s cum to, or sassy women. hell, his celebrity crushes don’t even look like you.

if you have cheating fantasies this is excellent. if you have ntr fantasies, excellent as well. what isn’t excellent, however, is how last time you poured wax on him while fucking him from behind, he buried his face into the pillow and whimpered out your coworker’s name.

he was very lucky you didn’t have more wax to splash him with

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

✧. ┊ masterpost ✧. ┊ kofi

#ike eveland #ike eveland x reader #luca kaneshiro #luca kaneshiro x reader #shu yamino #shu yamino x reader #vox akuma #vox akuma x reader #luxiem x reader #luxiem #nijisanji x reader #nijisanji en #ike eveland smut #luca kaneshiro smut #shu yamino smut #vox akuma smut #4402 writes #hear me out i just KNOW he can’t find the c/it

[fleouriarts]

feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole

#hivemind tv #riley savage #graydon weaver #hmfcu #quadeca #jane remover #eden burke #my art #2023 #fanart #doodles #its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online #doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself #and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling #and come back and then the cycle repeats #its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard #so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)' #NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here #and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out #and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave #i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style #idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment #i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one” #or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it” #sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse #whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m #friends for a while i think #woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography

[twilightarcade]

I HATE finding beauty in the mundane is there a way to turn this off or something. I will be sitting there living like wow guys are you seeing this shit. The sky is blue. Yeah I know it's always blue. Isn't it pretty though? Come look at this cool Crack in the sidewalk. I think it's new.

#wordstag #ddude sometimes the way the light falls on stuff is so pretty. Like literally nothing special it will just be sitting there. #most radiant discarded can on planet eartg. also pencils ill never get over pencils they're so nuts have you seen one of those #like the way they mmark on paper in such like a distinctive way. It's so magical is anyone else se eing this #fabric is crazy too there's just folds in there! I bet you don't wven care about the Folds #don't eve n get me started on animald those are so crazy.... people r just out here existing w all this other stuff going on #how Do They Do It? How do they not dwell on how a certain tree swayed in the breeze? Wish to capture the insignificant? #idk maybe i'm just screwed . Perhaps it's entirely over for me. Perhaps I'm terribly romantic. #tthere is a little beauty in everything i think thoug. God forbid I call oil spills beautiful but even those are iridescent

[shleemies]

2015->2023

It gets better

#was looking at old photos and put these side by side. wow #in the first pic i was miserable malnourished and so depressed i didnt think id make it to 2016 #the second pic was a few months ago in too lazy to take w newer one today lol #im still depressed but not like i was. ive come so far and its so hard to see it from day to day sometimes #i never thought id live long enough to go on hrt. top surgery felt completely impossible #but i got to live #i got to transition #i wish i could go back and show that scared kid how far we've come #idk these pics just had me feeling really sappy #maybe one day ill make a more intentional transition timeline post #but these photos really show a lot #transgender love transgender peace transgender joy #it gets better i promise #sounds fake and shallow but it's so fucking true

[saviourkingslut]

not to be about opera again but to be about opera again. as an art form it has the reputation of being super stuffy and something for snobs who don't know how to have fun only but honestly this was one of, perhaps even THE main theatrical entertainment for centuries. i wish people knew how hard these things can go and how engaging they can be. like characters kill and die and fight wars and (almost) commit human sacrifice left and right. characters fall in love they mourn they're ecstatic they cry they're furious it's an extremely dramatic and emotional art form! and i understand that opera does not appear approachable bc of the general conventions of the art form but i promise old works can be fun and engaging if you go watch them with some preparation beforehand (reading the libretto helps) - not to mention not all operas are old bc there are so many modern operas which engage with topical events! also the music slaps.

#le triomphe de trajan (1807) out here calling for a man's execution with this banger: #point de grace pour ce perfide; que tout sons sang coule sur un autel #(no grace for this treacherous man; let all his blood flow on an altar) #this is also annoying to me when people write historical fic and the characters treat the opera as this elitist thing #that they don't know anything about. #you know when they go to the opera reluctantly and then they have no idea what's going on on stage or who the composer is. #which is. very unlikely for anyone with the money to attend an opera in certain opera houses in the 19th c. tbqh #like im more of an expert on paris and vienna idk what it was like in london #but if you were decently (upper) middle class or nobility (esp in paris) you went regularly. this was like a whole social space too #i recently read a fanfic and one of the characters was like 'oh it's in italian. i don't know that' and the other character went like #'it's by a man called donizetti what did you expect' #(this was situated in 19th century london) #like first of all. donizetti was NOT a librettist he was a composer he did not write the text #and second of all. he worked on french operas ?? so did rossini. and spontini. #opera was an incredibly international art form. also bc productions would be performed in different countries all the time #(sometimes changed and/or translated but not necessarily) #and again like i said. this was one of THE main forms of entertainment. people were familiar with its conventions! it was well-liked! #ofc bc of the seating prices it was not very accessible to lower classes most of the time #but lbr most characters that get written into an opera scene in fiction are at the very least decently bourgeois lol #i wish people knew how to properly historicise forms of entertainment whose reputation has changed in the modern era #from what it was a century or more ago #very adjacent to people 'cancelling' old lit bc of 'bad takes' like idk how to tell you this but people thought different back then #completely different world view from what we have today. that does not make lit from that era irredeemable it is just from a diff. time #acknowledging that and reading the text critically but also still enjoying it are things that go tgt here #ok rant over (it is never over) #curry rambles

[the-priestess-of-dawn]

I went looking and couldn't find any record of me ever actually posting this on tumblr, oops, but a couple years back I wrote this thread on twitter about how Emmeryn's sacrifice absolutely is not supposed to teach Chrom (or Robin, for that matter) that "sacrifice is necessary" or anything like that and mmmm for reasons I am getting Upset about it again so asdfghjkl I'll actually share the Rant with my tumblr followers this time.

#i'm sorry i'm sorry it's just then whenever i see anyone say that chrom didn't “learn his lesson” about sacrifice from emmeryn i freak out #it's such a common take too??? well okay idk if it's “common” or if i just keep running into a niche take but either way i've seen it a lot #i could also get into (i think i have before at some point) that when robin says “what is one life when weighed against millions?” it's... #it's actually a misquote of emmeryn's “you each have but one life and i do not wish it weighed against mine.” #and despite sounding similar it actually has a directly opposite meaning #emmeryn's saying her life is not more important than anyone else's but robin's saying that their life is less important than everyone else' #also robin does NOT in fact believe in sacrificing for the greater good. look at their supports with virion. and walhart too actually #when chrom tells aversa that one person's life means nothing in the shadow of millions he's basically parroting robin #except neither he nor robin believe that. that's what they say when they feel powerless. like when emmeryn was on that cliff #(also the game literally does call out the hypocrisy? aversa points out he didn't feel that way when his sister was on the line... #like... you're supposed to notice...) #anyway sorry for vagueblogging but do note that i've had this take for 2 years (and well... longer but it took me a while to write it out) #and dang it i have a certain blog BLOCKED but sometimes i go to my mutuals blogs directly and for some reason tumblr still shows me reblogs #anyway normally i would keep my mouth shut it's just that i already had this one ready to go from 2 years ago asdfghjkl

[irregularbillcipher]

watched the musical demon show (don't wanna name it so this post isn't in the tags) at the behest of an IRL friend and i can already tell this is going to be a piece of media where i absolutely cannot stop thinking about it, not because i really love the show as-is, but because it has so many individual components i really like and find incredibly fun or compelling, and i'm so frustrated that it doesn't come together for me

i think the main thing i can say about it as a show, setting aside some of the insensitive choices that were made that i really don't feel qualified to tackle or talk about, is that the entire thing sort of gives off this vibe of someone really excited to show you every single oc they made in high school and college and i very genuinely mean that in both the best and worst ways possible

there are some good hooks for season two though so i will absolutely give them that

#the vibe is just like... they are just soooo excited to get all their ideas out that it becomes... messy and badly paced #like there are so many moments that are cool or fun or emotional in a vaccuum but they don't connect fully y'know #because this arc or character was JUST introduced so there isn't proper build up. everything moves too quick #and it's frustrating because you can TELL that the people making this show love their ideas and characters #and i more than get thta! i am also someone with a lotta ocs i love to blab about #but i think they have been working with them so long that they #a. assume we are already just as attached to them as they are without always doing that work #b. assume we've seen all the supplemental material which. i have not #and i don't think that a professional show is the type of thing where there should be a barrier of entry that involves like #podcasts and comics and twitter threads and IC instagram posts about characters to do that emotional/lore legwork y'know #i love lore and supplemental stuff obviously but this should still be like #a satisfying experience for me a person who saw the pilot however many years ago and then has not interacted with the show or fandom since #idk man stuff felt rushed and messy and i wish i liked it more #it needed more slow moments i think. the two scenes where the group all drinks together (minus one awful joke in the bar scene) are like #the best in the show to me becase i actually believe these guys are FRIENDS. i wanna see them hang out more! #i wanna see them actually really grow to like each other organically!!! i wanna see them build connections and grow better slowly!!! #songs absolutely slap though. soundtrack is probably gonna be in my spotify unwrapped 2024 #i love me a musical and that inspiration is on its sleeve which i love #also imo the humor isn't great usually. it's very juvenile imo and sometime that works but it often doesn't #(for me at least humor is obviously SUPER subjective) #also tonally they have this 'have your cake and eat it too' issue which bugs me. it's exemplified by the v's (one in particular) #actually i could go on a whole rant about the v's if anyone is interested because god i have some Thoughts #and i think my issues with the v's (namely one v) encapsulates many issues i have with the show #despite all this rambling i actually did enjoy a lot of my time with it. i just don't think it was well-written if that makes sense

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something #but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized. #and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this- #-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace- #-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller #which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this #and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely #oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it- #-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart #so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it. #fun./sar #i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to #because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get- #-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of #its probably the resilience though #im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically #this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it #just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear #it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over. #i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts #this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement. #its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every- #-time achievement #what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past. #even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again #if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa

[kil9]

taemin fans dont want him to meet and fall in love with them like in the wattpad fics. they want gory criminal-based manga, homoerotic hannibal style, multiple volumes

#99.txt #who is with me grrrrgrgrgrrrggrr #who will be insane abt susino with me plzplz plz i think about them too much #i will also accept him making a movie abt them.... #use your film degree boy. #anyway this is the one aspect where tumblr annoys me bc not enough ppl are willing to be insane and nerdy abt his stuff #its all ''ououh hmm 🧐🧠 perhaps the 'criminal' is fame itself'' #and not enough drawing him anime style with one angel wing and one devil wing covered in blood !!!!!!!!!!! #not enough drawing him kissing his evil alter ego on the mouth !!!!!!! even hes doing it in the posters come on !!!!! #stop being pretentious our boy is a GEEK. plz be a little more fun abt his stuff plzplz plz #ugh fine I WILL DRAW him with one angel wing and one devil wing covered in blood 🙄🙄 i gotta carry out ALL his wishes #cos everyone else is all about the realism WATEVER #the twitter ppl get me. right now everyone is in cardcaptor sakura!taem obsession mode #idk abt western shawol twt i only follow like 3 of u the rest are boring..... #its just reposting clips or pics or whatever and being like ''WOW he SLAYED'' what EVER !!!!!! and it gets 700000 likes #the rest of the world IS drawing him edgelord style with one angel wing and one devil wing like god intended !!!!!!!!!! or in maid outfits #get a grip !!!!!!! get him in the magical girl outfit boy ! #sorry gksdjhsdgsd im going insane i just want the fanbase on here to be a little more fun. that sometimes i lose my mind #cos as cool as my twitter circle is. im the only one who speaks english 💀

[vogelmeister]

been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently

#i love them but im gonna explain #i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did #but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes #i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now #in healthcare no less #but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad #im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts #like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no #and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face #even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said: #i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too #bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall #bc i feel we don’t do this any more #i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go #i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her #bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort #my other situation is my childhood best friend #i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me. #it comes from a place of knowing me for so long #and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins #but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis #even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins #bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st #like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup #even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back #bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me #and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it #but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back #i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag #idk its a lot. thank u for listening

[fitzselfships]

Again, not self ship related but I'm posting it here so the person I'm talking about won't see it. Anyway I am thinking about my crush so much right now GOD I remember now how painful it is to have a crush </3

#like they're so nice and understanding to me #they're genuinely interested in hearing what i have to say #and I like listening to them talk #I just. wish I wasn't so awkward so we could have longer conversations because like. I could listen to them talk all day <3 #< part of me ebing so awkward is because I'm still recovering from A LOT of trauma stuff but they definitely inspire me to get better #but yeah sometimes I like I WANT TO TELL THEM HOW I FEEL SOO BAD #like right now I'm feeling that #but also. idk if they'd think it's weird #and idk if they feel as close to me as I feel to them #AND I care about them too much to risk ruining our friendship #curse my demiromantic ass for making me fall inlove with people I feel close to and puttung me through this again </3 #okay goodnight I'm going to go listen to jenny by studio killers and cry like i used to in middle school lol

[deityofhearts]

I think the worst part is that i still love and care about people even when it hurts and i wish i didn’t

#deity dialogue #I want to be able to say that one day I’ll stop caring and I’ll move on from loving people but I won’t #people will always have a place in my heart and I kinda hate it #once again a ‘fae complains about loving people too much and too easily and then feels stupid about it’ moment #I suppose there are worse problems than loving easily and too much and getting too attached to people what feels like permanently #but like I’m allowed to acknowledge it #sometimes I wish I didn’t still care about people so much but I’d feel awful if I stopped because I genuinely just love people so much and #am always hoping for the best for people bleh #I just also hope to recieve as much love as I feel and give eventually #there are people who love me though and make that known and I’m very thankful for that! it’s a nice change from how things were growing up #even if it’s hard to believe that people actually mean it when they say they love me but that’s one of the things I hope to get better abou #one day!! #idk what this post is feel free to ignore everything here lol

[thehealerhairpin]

.

#ᐯoiᑕe ᑌᑭoᑎ tᕼe ᑕᗩᐯe #vent post // #TW // self harm #sometimes i genuinely just cant fucking do this man #i've doneeverything in my power to help and save myself #i thought i got out of it did i not? #why is my habit of slicing my wrist coming back? #i cant cut ittoo deep and makes it bleed bc i have too much short sleeves/sleeveless shirts #and if i did my ma/dad/ someone's going to notice #im trying. i swear im trying to hang inthere but sometiems all i wanna do is hang myself on a rope #like i genuinely dontrlly?? wanna kms but moreso like?? wishing i was dead?? #idk whats wrong with me. #IS THIS WHAT HAPPENSWHEN U DONT GET ACTUAL PROPERLY THERAPY???

[trashpremiium]

i wish i knew how to keep friends :( making friends is… hard, but doable. if i have a reason to be near someone and they’re amenable to my Autism Beam of infodumping, i can usually make them tolerate being around me for as long as that activity lasts.

but semesters end. mutual interests fade. activities wrap up. and then those people leave. not to say i’m not thankful for however long their friendship lasted, i just wish people were more likely to want to be friends because they liked me, not because i was a body near them to spend time with.

#sometimes they stay. it’s not often but it happens #and then i’m scared for the rest of the friendship that anything could make them leave #thinking of all the friends that just… stopped replying to me the second they weren’t forced to spend time with me #i lost basically every friend i had when school went online in 2020 #with the exception of my dnd party. i’m scared that if we stop playing dnd i’ll lose them too #my call of cthulhu campaign ends… tomorrow. technically #the two other players i met through this campaign #and i really like talking to them. i have. not a ton in common with them #but i’m so scared that once we don’t have the connection of the campaign i’ll lose their friendship #i didn’t keep any friends from my dorm hall this year #i was always on the periphery #the only person i still talk to from any of my classes is my partner #i don’t think she really… gets. how lonely i am #because she has *so* many friends. #and for good reason. they’re a wonderful person that i could talk for days about #and idk what i did to even deserve her friendship much less whatever we got going on now #i just wish i could keep more connections #that i wasn’t always doomed to have to start from scratch every time something ends #but i guess it’s sort of my fault too #im too scared to overstep some unseen boundary that i don’t reach out to make a connection in the first place #anyone who stays has to be pretty stubborn lmao #zephyr talks

[theforgottendaydreamer]

sometimes i tell myself i'm fine, then i realise i've been thinking incessantly about watching winnie the pooh while cuddling in my parents' bed like i used to do when i was six, and i realise that maybe i'm not fine.

#i am. so desperate for comfort. i hate admitting it but. i am. i'm. desperate to get hugged. cuddled. #i just want to cry in someone's arms. #yesteday i asked my parents “hey when i get home (march 16th) can we go have breakfast together please” and it was fuckin 11 pm when i did #i wish i had fucked up parents because it would justify my mental state. but they're lovely. flawed but. lovely. always have been #like we fight a ton but. i don't doubt that they care for me. never gave me a reason to. sometimes i think they're actually too caring #but like. we are three wholess adults with strong personalities. it's normal to fight. #and the thing about finding comfort in stuff i used to do/watch/read as a kid - i think i should be somewhat worried about it #because. i never had these issues before #idk. i'm fucked in the head #bad. bad.

[01tsubomi]

sometimes your favorite song is by the idol group you see every time you go to tokyo but they haven't released it to streaming and they're quite obscure (not to mention taping performances is extremely NG in jpop idol culture) so the only time you have a chance of hearing it is when you go watch them perform and it's like not even guaranteed that it'll be on the setlist every time and then you find out it's actually by a disbanded sister group of theirs and they also didn't release it to streaming but they did put it on youtube in a 20 minute long video that features their entire first mini-album except for some reason it's the absolute worst quality vocals you've ever heard on a professional recording as in not the mic quality but the actual singing quality as in it sounds like a group of friends doing karaoke not even professional singers just some friends with no retakes no autotune touchups not even re-recording the lines that are off rhythm but it still means you kinda get to hear the song in your apartment. but is it even really the same song as the one you hear when your favorite member gets the solo in the chorus and walks from the back of the stage out towards the audience between the rest of the members as if parting the sea. is it

#really unrelatable content i'm posting tonight #it's not like actually my favorite song but i'm always like swept off my feet when they perform it #god damn am i homosexual #i have got to get to tokyo. i did say i would be back within september . aaaaaaaa #it was like. march or april? that they just randomly started performing it a lot #and it's funny remembering that my oshi is like. actually a very talented idol and not just someone i stan as a joke #sometimes i go in like aaa haha i uh i'm back! me the foreigner! i guess i'm participating in idol culture #bc i do always do the fanmeet part at the end too where i get to talk to her for like. probably 90 seconds? idk i lose track #and even though i'm a random white girl we've been at this long enough that she talks to me exactly like any other idol fan #and does all the 'you were't looking at any of the other girls were you?' and the 'i'm happy you're back i wish you'd come every day!! :)' #very interesting thing to experience firsthand #but also makes me forget that the main reason i stan so hard is because. she's just a really good idol #like sometimes i get to the venue kinda nervous to be there and then as the live goes on i'm like. ah. of course. i'm here not bc of the #idol-fan relationship validation but because i get to watch this lady perform again and she's so so good #especially that song. i really wish they'd release their own version #i really do love her voice #personal