#and i saw a tweet the other day talking about loneliness. and old age

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Rachel Nobel / Rae Lynn

Rachel Nobel, aka Rae Lynn, has 2 fics at Gossamer, but she’s written many more X-Files stories than that. You can also find fics by her at AO3 and various other archives. She’s one of the rare, special authors who’s posted numerous fic during the show’s original run and again in recent years. Big thanks to Rachel for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)? Absolutely. I joined a Facebook group for fanfic writers where someone recognized my name and asked about some of my stories that have disappeared from the Internet, and I almost fell off my chair. On the other hand, I go back and read original-run fanfic all the time - the Wayback Machine is my best friend for all the late great fanfic archives. Like fine wines, they get better with age! What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it? I was fairly young during the peak of the fandom - I was only 12 when I started watching the show and discovered the fandom online. A few years ago, right around the time we learned the revival was coming, I wrote an essay I called "How 'The X-Files' defined my adolescence," in which I wrote: "If you think about it, 'The X-Files' is a lot like adolescence: You start out thinking it's going to be a little hokey, NBD, and then you end up in its thrall, captivated and occasionally hugely let down. A lot of people behave strangely, and no one gets out unscathed. Mulder, in his own weird way, is the perfect mirror for an adolescent: He doesn't fit in; his life careens between being utterly consequential to the fate of the known universe and being completely pointless; he's socially awkward and can't quite nail it down with the girl of his dreams."

So for me, the fandom is inextricably bound up with adolescence, that feeling of vacillating between desperate loneliness and being on the verge of something enormously significant. Take romance: I was a bit of a late bloomer, and when all my friends were exploring their first relationships I was watching Mulder and Scully navigate this beautiful, complicated, soulful relationship without ever even kissing. That was deeply affecting for me as a teen.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? I started out on mailing lists - there was an EMXC mailing list and one that I think was called X-Angst. [Lilydale note: There was a mailing list called XAngst Anonymous.] This was back at the dawn of the Internet when I only had 10 hours of AOL access a month, and I remember using what AOL called a "FlashSession" to log on, download all the fanfic from the mailing list and log off to read it. I vividly remember the excitement of watching all that new fanfic flood my inbox! Later on I was on atxc. During the long summer between "Gethsemane" and "Redux," it felt like fanfic was at its peak. There was a group of about a dozen women who got together (virtually) to discuss a work in progress by Lydia Bower called "Primal Sympathy." We called ourselves the "Primal Screamers," and we had our own website with fanfic recommendations and other discussions (it cracked me up to locate us as an entry on Fanlore.org). I was still in high school at the time and I was the youngest member; I felt like I had been accepted into a cool underground club. I worshipped these women, who were fanfic writers themselves. They taught me everything I knew about how to be a decent, respectful, enthusiastic consumer and writer of fanfic and fandom. [Lilydale note: I’ve talked enthusiastically about the Primal Screamers here before, including their fanfic primer.] What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? In the '90s, I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone I read fanfic, let alone that I was writing it. Now, I look back on it and realize how talented and smart and passionate we all were. It's something to be proud of. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? The first episode I ever saw was "Shadows," which was on in reruns between the second and third seasons. I don't think "Shadows" is an episode that anyone today would consider thematically significant, but something about seeing those office supplies float spookily through the air - it wasn't like anything I had seen on television, and I wanted in. What got you involved with X-Files fanfic? I've always been a person who, when I am interested in something, seeks to learn more about it. So I guess I got online as a 12-year-old with this new interest and discovered fanfic. It was thrilling to find out that so many talented people were taking characters I loved and bringing them to life for me. When the screen faded to black each week and I wondered, "That's it? What next?", fanfic was always there to fill in the blanks and take Mulder and Scully to the next level. As a teenager, I was self-indulgent enough to think I had something to contribute, too. Most of what I wrote in the '90s would today make me cringe. I remember literally paging through the dictionary in search of erudite words I thought Mulder and Scully would say! But occasionally I'll feel brave enough to read an old story and I feel encouraged to see a spark: a turn of phrase or a fragment of dialogue that I still feel proud of. I write professionally now, but I've never written fiction that isn't X-Files fiction, so it's something that has really allowed me to hone my creative juices in a different way. What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? Sometimes I feel like the Statler and Waldorf of the fandom, like I'm sitting up in the balcony grousing "Back in my day...!" Because the fandom is remarkably robust, and I've gotten involved with it to an extent on Twitter and AO3, and now all these young whippersnappers idolize Mulder and Scully just as much if not more as I ever did! Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files? Not really, no. I've of course consumed a lot of media since The X-Files that I wanted to discuss with others - I'm a huge "Harry Potter" nerd, and I was outraged when Netflix canceled "The OA" - but strangely I've never had the urge to read or write fanfic about anything other than "The X-Files." Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Every Thursday night! I watch a chosen episode with a group of fans on Twitter and tweet about it - #tbtXFiles. That's great fun. There are episodes I've seen dozens of times over the years and episodes I think I only ever watched once, and it's always enlightening to watch them again with a certain critical eye. When I was a fan during the original run, I really idolized Mulder; I loved episodes where we saw him in all his cracked genius glory. Scully was a trailblazer of a character, of course, but I think the fandom has evolved over the years to give Scully her due. Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom? I was fairly stunned when the revival came around and I realized that people were still writing X-Files fic, and that a lot of it was so good. So yes, I do read fic on Archive of Our Own. But my heart is always with the early days of fanfic. In the revival when Mulder says "I've always wondered how this was going to end" - that felt to me almost like a love letter to fanfic authors who had been trying to answer that question for 25 years. Surprisingly, I've never had the urge to read fic in another fandom. Every time I try, it just feels like I'm cheating on Mulder and Scully. Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors? My favorite author back in the day was Kipler. Her stories were just like real episodes of the show I could vividly imagine in my mind. I adore syntax6, particularly "20" and "The Birthday Stories," because of the way she perfectly and poignantly captures vignettes that span the entire series. Another favorite is Dawn and her "Blood Ties" series - I started out as a "NoRomo," and Dawn was one of the authors who made me believe Mulder and Scully could have a romantic relationship that really worked. And I always had a soft spot for Profiler!Mulder stories, so to this day I mourn the unfinished state of the great Kronos fic "Ascent to Hell." One fic I always come back to that captures profiling Mulder really well is "Domination of Lies," by cslatton. And then there are stories that I consider classics: "Corpse" by Livengoo, "Oklahoma" by Amperage and Livengoo, the "Revelations" and "All Hallow's Eve" series by Windsinger. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise? I have a soft spot for a story I wrote called "Human Credential." I was attempting, a quarter-century after the first season of the show, to set a story in the very early days of the partnership (which these days is one of my favorite kinds of fanfic to read), and I felt like I nailed it. Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online? I have been doing both of these, as a matter of fact! Or in my case, they are oldies that made it online but vanished when Geocities went belly-up, for example, that I sometimes go back to and reshape. Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work? As the swallows return to Capistrano, I seem to always return to writing fic at periods of transition in my life. The first time I "retired" from fanfic, I wasn't even in college yet! If one can be nostalgic at 21 years old for something one gave up at 17, I was nostalgic for fanfic, and I picked it back up again in grad school. Then I became a teacher and a wife and a mom and years passed, and the revival seduced me back into it again. But the vast majority of fanfic I've written is firmly planted in the first seven seasons of the show - poor Mulder and Scully never seem to get to grow up in my stories. What's the story behind your pen name? I wrote under a lot of pen names over the years! When I first started writing fanfic, no one knew anything about Internet safety and it didn't occur to me that it wasn't wise to use my real name. There was a period when I would have been mortified if anyone discovered my stories under my real name - now, at least I can write it off as a youthful indulgence! When I finally grew into a more mature writer, I started using the name Rae Lynn, which is almost-but-not-quite my real first and middle names. Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? As far as I know, unless my friends and acquaintances have done some sleuthing, only my husband knows I still write fanfic. And he's never read it, though he's kind enough to give me a glazed-eyes indulgent smile if I ever talk about it. Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now? I am xraelynn on AO3! I have about a dozen stories there - some of them I wrote 15 years ago and some of them are brand spanking new. Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Fanfic is a true labor of love. Fanfic authors don't write fanfic for money or fame; they do it because they love it. Sites like AO3 and Tumblr have made it so much easier to show your appreciation to writers (::gruff reminiscing voice:: back in my day, you had to send them an email, and now you can just click the "kudos" button!). I can only speak for myself, but I really thrive on that feedback - otherwise I'm just Mulder in his cramped hovel of a home office waiting for Scully to nag me to shave my beard. Every so often I think about the fact that there is so much high-quality writing about these characters I've loved for decades just available on the Internet for free and it feels like a true gift.

(Posted by Lilydale on May 4, 2021)

#old school x #xfiles fanfic #xf fanfic #xf fanfic author interviews #rachel nobel #rae lynn

[theburningbright]

XAVIER DOLAN By Jessica Chastain (interview magazine)

When Xavier Dolan presented his first directorial effort, I Killed My Mother—an autobiographical psychodrama about an unruly teenager and his teetering, at-wit’s-end mother—at the Cannes Film Festival in 2009, he had just turned 20. The film received an eight-minute standing ovation, and the labels subsequently affixed to the now 25-year-old Québécois writer, filmmaker, and actor-wunderkind, enfant terrible—certainly spoke to Dolan’s precocious emerging voice. But in the past five years (and with four more feature films), he’s put together a body of work and a distinct point of view that might just make him contemporary cinema’s next great hope.

The stories he’s told—a pair of best friends falling in love with the same man (Heartbeats, 2010); a transgender woman and her partner coming to terms with her choice to transition (Laurence Anyways, 2012); a twentysomething menaced by the brother of his dead boyfriend (Tom at the Farm, 2013); and his latest film, Mommy, a scrappy widow and her troubled son fighting against the world for self-preservation—examine the intimate experiences of characters typically beyond the range of quote-unquote normalcy, moving toward emotional or revelatory catharsis.

Last year at Cannes, Dolan’s film won the Jury Prize (an honor he shared with Jean-Luc Godard), but it wasn’t just the jury who was impressed. Jessica Chastain, who saw the film at the festival, reached out to Dolan via Twitter, and not only have they embarked on a friendship, Chastain will star in Dolan’s first English-language feature, the upcoming showbiz drama The Death and Life of John F. Donovan.

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In late November, while she was on a brief break from promoting her film Interstellar, Chastain phoned Dolan at his home in Montreal to talk about growing up among women, the intoxicating power of James Cameron, and Mommy, Canada’s entry for the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar.

JESSICA CHASTAIN: Hi, sweetheart! This is the first time I’ve ever been on this side of an interview. The first time we properly met was in New York, but I saw Mommy at the Cannes Film Festival this year and I was so blown away. I tweeted, not even really expecting anything, how much I loved the film, and then you and I had a very funny exchange.

XAVIER DOLAN: Should we have a recollection of that?

CHASTAIN: I think people should know how charming you are. I think we should tell them, first of all, that you’re my beard. Is that correct?

DOLAN: [laughs] There’s an awards season coming, and if I’m a part of it, I’m going to need a beard!

CHASTAIN: If you ask me, I am there for you, babe, 100 percent, but you have to take me to dinner first. Do you remember the video you sent me?

DOLAN: Celine Dion—is that it? I first sent you “Take You” by Justin Bieber, and then I deleted it because I was ashamed. How provincial of me, to send you our national treasure. Justin Bieber, Celine Dion—generations of Canadian national gems.

CHASTAIN: You wooed me with Justin Bieber, and so now I am forever your beard, my friend. [laughs] Okay. So where were you born?

DOLAN: I was born in Montreal at the Children’s Hospital. It sounds very cute, but that’s the actual name.

CHASTAIN: Did you grow up in an artist household?

DOLAN: My dad sort of did everything. He’s a musician, a composer, an actor—he’s an artist in all possible ways. He drew and painted—he still does. But even though he was composing his music, they were pop songs, like “Take You.” [both laugh] Not the same budget, though. My parents divorced when I was very young. My mother moved to a faraway land—suburban Montreal. I was brought up in a mainstream environment, culturally speaking. I watched all the kids films—Matilda [1996], Jumanji [1995], Home Alone[1990].

CHASTAIN: What brought you to acting?

DOLAN: My aunt Julie was a production manager and she heard of an opening. Some show was looking for children to run around the house or whatever. I auditioned and got the part, and I showed up in all of my monstrous energy, bouncing everywhere like an electron. I loved the experience, and I think it was important to my mom because she watches every show on TV, like 20 of them, and records with her VHS—yes, that’s correct, VHS. Anyway, sorry, I got lost on my mom again. I digress on my mom. Then I just started auditioning for commercials and shows and films. I got a part in a package of commercials for this big drugstore, from the age of 6 to 10. For four years I shot those commercials and old ladies would stop me on the street and grab my cheeks. That’s how it started.

CHASTAIN: So you digress to your mother. [laughs] It’s interesting going through your films—I want to know how much of it is autobiographical. You were just talking about your mother recording television shows. In your films, the television is an obstacle for bonding between a parent and a child. Is that something you directly took from your life?

DOLAN: In what movies have you noticed that?

CHASTAIN: Laurence Anyways and I Killed My Mother.

DOLAN: You’ve seen I Killed My Mother?

CHASTAIN: Of course, honey! I do my research.

DOLAN: [laughs] Well, I’m very flattered that you would research. When, at night? [laughs] How very extrastellar of you to watch these. Well, you’re right. I Killed My Mother is autobiographical. I would say the percentage of accuracy is 250 percent. I’m kidding—it’s, like, 240. The other films aren’t really. I’m very far from Laurence Anyways. I haven’t experienced heterosexual love and then a gender switch. I haven’t been held hostage like Tom is in Tom at the Farm. I haven’t lived any of these things, but every character is very personal because there’s a lot of me in their anger, their loneliness, and in their rage against society, against people who ostracize people who are different. Even the characters that seem so far away intellectually or socially, for me, when they speak, it will always be my words. There’s a lot of my mom in these characters because you write characters with the things that you’ve watched. As an actor, I’ve been recording forever. I’m a watcher. I’m a stalker. I love everything about people: the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they cry, the way their mouth is distorted whenever they do this or say that. It’s always been a passion for me to observe.

I’ve been recording forever. I’m a watcher. I’m a stalker. I love everything about people . . . It’s always been a passion for me to observe. Xavier Dolan

CHASTAIN: You started acting when you were 4. What brought you to writing and directing?

DOLAN: I always wrote. I’ve written stories since I was 9. We didn’t have a computer at home, but my aunt Magda had one. Whenever I’d go to her place, I was in the basement working on her computer, writing stories. Then I would save them on a … Fuck, what would you call these? They’re so gone right now.

CHASTAIN: Floppy disks?

DOLAN: Exactly! Yes. [both laugh] Floppy disk. I love you for bringing the words to my illiterate mouth.

CHASTAIN: Stop it! You have to remind everyone that this is not your native tongue.

DOLAN: My first language is French. I just love words so much, and in French it feels like I can say whatever I want however I want. In English I feel like I’ve got some words … [laughs] It often feels like I’m lacking the precise term, and it’s really annoying to me. So I would save these stories on a floppy disk until the next time I would go to my aunt’s, when I could continue to write the story of guardian angels sent to Earth to protect the mere mortals.

CHASTAIN: Oh my gosh.

DOLAN: That was the sort of stories that I would write, called The Indispensables or whatever else. There was one called Pink Wings. It was very, very gay. There were always angels.

CHASTAIN: How old were you when you wrote this? You’re saying it was pretty gay—at that time, did you actually know that you were?

DOLAN: I think I always knew. But, then, I didn’t know. I had girlfriends when I was young. [laughs] I was a crazy child. It was such a special childhood. When I was 8, I saw Titanic [1997] with my mom—I rarely went to the movies with my mom—and then we saw Finding Nemo [2003]. One day she brought me to see As Good as It Gets [1997], and I was pretending I was going to the bathroom when I was actually watching Titanic again in another room. When we saw the movie, it transformed my childhood into something else. I was a dreamy kid, and I was dressing up and pretending to be characters, and I was acting out and everything, but when I saw the movie, it made me crazy. I started designing costumes, drawing something like 2,000 outfits. All of that stemmed from seeing the costumes and all the production design and how big it was. It was so vast. It had such a huge impact on my childhood, telling me that it was legitimate to dream that big. The other kids were playing hockey, and I was drawing these clothes and writing letters to Danny DeVito and Leo DiCaprio. “Dear Leonardo. I’m 8 years old. I go to school. I love school.” The letters started like that. Anyway, he never answered, and now it’s too late.

CHASTAIN: Aw.

DOLAN: There will be hell to pay. [Chastain laughs] I didn’t know I was gay, but I knew I was quite different—and not in a special way. My obsession with DiCaprio and [Kate] Winslet and the costumes and everything was so disproportionate. It scared everybody. Actually, I think everybody knew but me. I knew for sure when I was 11 or 12. I came out to my cousin when I was 13. I said something so stupid. If a kid said a line like that in a TV show, the screenwriter would be fired and killed immediately. I told her, “I love women in my heart but not in my undies.” Something like that.

CHASTAIN: No, you did not! [laughs]

DOLAN: She reminds me of that often. It was horrible.

CHASTAIN: Do you feel that with your writing and directing and acting you can delve into what it was like to be that 8-year-old kid watching Titanic and trying to figure out their sexuality? Is it a way for you to explore that within yourself?

DOLAN: I think it’s a way to channel rage. I was a very violent kid. I think movies and writing and art have been a way of channeling this. But I have this will to defend people—it can be all sorts of people. In Laurence Anyways it was a transgender woman; in I Killed My Mother it was an adolescent who was rejecting his mother because he is going through his coming-of-age crisis; in Mommy it’s a more existential thing. These characters are expressive and they’re flamboyant, but they have nothing to do with the other characters from the other movies—it’s always about the things that marked me when I was young. Batman Returns [1992], Titanic, those are the movies that have printed something very deeply into me. I recently realized that most filmmakers start making movies when they’re 30. So they’re looking to the films that they saw when they were 17, 18, 25. Most of them have an education, and if they don’t, they spend years watching films. The only years I’ve spent watching movies were the years when I was a kid, and my father brought me to Jumanji. He didn’t tell me, “Kid, I’m going to show you Bergman and Eisenstein and Citizen Kane.” No.

CHASTAIN: Mommy was in the main competition at Cannes, and it won the Jury Prize. This is your fifth feature film that you’ve made, correct?

DOLAN: Yeah.

CHASTAIN: How old were you when it won the Jury Prize?

DOLAN: I was 25, the age I am right now. And by the time this interview is published, I will still be 25. I will be 25 forever.

CHASTAIN: First of all, congratulations, because Mommy has been selected as Canada’s entry for Best Foreign Language Film for the Academy Awards, which is huge, hello. The film hinges on this imaginary Canadian law that allows parents to give their children up to the state without involving the courts or a fee. What brought this to your mind?

DOLAN: That law is something I read about that had been voted on in Nebraska in the early 2000s. It’s been abrogated, but it was a Safe Haven law that applied to older children. It was used by parents who were barely scraping by, but were also endangered by their behaviorally disordered children. I read about that through a mother’s story, a mother who had abandoned her child in one of those hospitals. She was completely helpless. Her son was younger than the one in Mommy. She had another son, I think, and her son would be very violent, physically and verbally abusive, to her other son and to her. He was a good-hearted kid, of course, and he was mentally ill, and there was no health care whatsoever. She’s completely at the end of her rope, and she sees a future where one day she won’t be able to stop her kid from killing himself or killing someone, so she brings him to this place. I was really moved by the story and thought, “Well, that’s one for a movie eventually.” Then one day I shot with Antoine-Olivier Pilon, who is the lead in the film, in the music video for “College Boy” by this French band, Indochine. I had a major artistic crush on him.

CHASTAIN: He’s also in Laurence Anyways, right?

I was a very violent kid. I think movies and writing and art have been a way of channeling this. Xavier Dolan

DOLAN: He appears briefly in Laurence Anyways. He was already strikingly charismatic and impressed everybody. He really impressed me. I saw him and I was like, “This is the kid from this movie I’ve been planning on doing.” He was one of the elements that impelled me toward writing Mommy. Him, and hearing Ludovico Einaudi’s song “Experience”—he’s an Italian composer; that is the piece you hear in the movie when Diane, the mother, dreams of the future. When I first heard it through a friend at a random party, I was like, “Oh my God. This is a song for a mother who sees the future that she will never have, who dreams the life that she will never have.” I wrote that scene not knowing it would be in Mommy.

CHASTAIN: Anne [Dorval]’s performance is so incredible. Everyone’s performance in the film—Suzanne Clément … In all of your films, the female characters are so inspiring to watch. They’re not stereotypes of an idea. You allow the women in your films to have flaws and strengths. Speaking as an actress, I can tell you it’s very rare to get scripts like that. When you won the prize in Cannes—and the president was Jane Campion—you said, “The Piano [1993] was the first film that I watched that defined who I am … [It] made me want to write films for women, beautiful women with soul and will and strength.”

DOLAN: I was brought up with my grandmother, with my great aunt, with my mom, with my babysitters. All the ladies, “All the single ladies.” [both laugh] It’s who I am. They are the people I want to talk about, they’re the people I want to protect, they’re the people I want to put in my movies and see fail or win. As a writer, as a human being, and as a young man, it’s easier for me to express my anger, to ask questions, to seek answers, to talk, to cry as a woman in a movie. I connect with those figures more than I connect with men. Men are born privileged in the scale of things—I’m generalizing, but it’s true. Women have to define themselves in the eyes of men. They have to fight for their rights, especially in a society that will pretend that there is no fight or no battle, that it’s a cliché, that feminists are reactionary, all these things. As a young man who struggled to find his identity and to find his place, I relate to that quest for belonging in society. With mothers, especially, with their flaws, the way they have made huge sacrifices in order to be good moms or just moms. They probably sacrificed a part of their career, they sacrificed some desires, some dreams. I cannot relate, but I love to talk about it.

CHASTAIN: Where have you been all my life?

DOLAN: Well, I’m here now.

CHASTAIN: Thank God!

DOLAN: And I’m not going anywhere.

CHASTAIN: In I Killed My Mother, your character leaves a note that says that he can be found “in his kingdom.” I’m wondering where your kingdom is.

DOLAN: I hope you’re not disappointed by the answer. Geographically, I can’t name a place, so I will talk artistically and emotionally. My kingdom is on a set. It’s the only place on Earth where I feel I’m not waiting for something. Except when I’m waiting for the touch-ups, the fucking touch-ups.

#interview #Jessica Chastain #xavier dolan

[discoursecatharsis]

Hi! I know it’s been a few days, but as a kpop stan for 5+ years, and a fan of the group involved in the Cup/cak//ke-situation, I have something to say. Hopefully, I can shed some light on what happened as well as kpop, sexuaization, and the fandom as a whole.

(I wish I could insert a Read More, because this is long).

I’m going to start by saying, I have no idea why this whole Jung.k00k & Cup/cake thing blew up. This is not the first time Cup/cake made sexual comments about the B//TS members, and for the most part stan twitter found her funny. If fans didn’t, they didn’t make a big deal out of it, unlike what happened a few days ago. I’m not on twt, so I can’t say exactly what happened and why, but I’m going to guess it was a mix of Jung.k00k being the youngest member (A 97er, so the same age as Cup/cake), a fan-favorite, and maybe a callout twt post about how people need to stop sexualizing the BT//S members that people bandwagoned on and used to justify dogpiling Cup//cake. That’s usually how shit like this happens, and while unfortunate, it’s far from uncommon.

(Personally, I don’t care about what Cup/cake said and she should not have been bullied for it, but I think there’s a major difference between someone with a platform and tons of fans saying something, and someone posting their M-rated fanfic on AO3.

For instance, just about a month ago there was a Korean rapper, SanE, who gestured at a female idol, Re//d Velv/et’s Iren3 while singing a sexually suggestive lyric. Everyone called him out for sexual harassment and on twt people were even calling him a rapist & pedophile – even though Irene is 26. However, unlike in the Jung.k00k situation, no one made mention to the R-rated fanfics, tweets, tweets and gifs that fans, both male and female, often make about Iren//e and her group members, as a means to call fans hypocrties.

Again, even though I didn’t think either situation was a big deal, I don’t think people have to be comfortable with what Cup/cake or SanE did. I did notice a difference in reactions to reactions, which I think is unfair. Anyways, it sucks that this situation happens, that Cup////cake was hurt and bullied because of this.)

The kp//op fandom has a strange relationship with purity culture. I make mention of this because I feel like it has a hand in why Cup/cake-gate even happened. It’s k///pop fans digesting skewed Korean fan-culture norms and combining it with the overall advent of purity culture in western fandoms. For instance, this week, right after Cup/cake-gate Jung.k00k, was being called a sexual-harrasser and rapist simply because people thought he was staring at a woman’s chest. I’m not even joking. You can read about what happened here and here – but long story short a fan cropped a gif so it looked like he was oogling this lady, and Korean antis caught hold of it and ran with it. And thus, Stare-gate.

And again, this isn’t the first time. Usually it’s on a smaller scale, such as Stare-gate, but a few years ago, k//pop went through Lolita-Gate. Like most witch-hunts, it started out with good intentions: a girl group was going to debut and people were raising concerns that the members (half of which were under 18, the international age of majority, and most of which were under 19, the Korean age of majority) were being oversexualized. And then these three commercials (Warning: The first two are SFW-ish, the last is definitely NSFW), all of which starred the then 16 y/o T///zuyu (the youngest of her group) dropped and shit blew up. People began having an actual conversation about the sexualization of minors, but being that the group T///zuyu was in, T//wice, was already experiencing a lot of backlash for unrelated things, fans felt like the group itself was being attacked (And it some cases it was) and the conversation steered from constructive criticism to fanwars real quick. People began pulling in other groups, not because they had actual concerns, but because they didn’t want their faves to be the only ones being talked about.

And then a former idol dropped pics that people felt sexualized minors. Even though she herself was an adult and had spent her entire childhood being the target of sexual comments, the conversation went from “These are disturbing trends in this industry” to “These people (who often were actually put in situations of being sexualized minors) are the problem”. The nail was put in the coffin when singer-songwriter I//U dropped an album where among the themes of loneliness and misunderstanding, and a certain mature, she talked about the childishly-sexual image that was her company sold her with.

(For the record, Korean idols/artists do not have the same level of autonomy as American idols/artists, and when I///U blew up she was pushed with this “little sister” type image.)

And somehow talking about this and satirizing it, made her a pedophile. While she eventually apologized, her image, as well as the image of several other people who got swept up into the issue, took a dent.

There are tons of times where stuff like this happened, some as trivial as a twenty-seven year old woman being babied, to as damaging as a teenager being called a rapist for accidentally brushed against a minor’s chest.

So this reaction to anything sexual or perceived sexual is not uncommon unfortunately. A good portion of K////pop sells itself on being sexually non-sexual, which is why these things happen all the time. Idols who dance sexually also advertise dating bans and sexual naiveté. Idols who promote innocence do so in a way that can be sexually construed. And this isn’t me trying to fear-monger and trash k///pop (I hate when people do that) but I’m just trying to succinctly describe what I’ve noticed in all my years as a hard-core stan.

Something else I’ve noticed is that, these things tend to blow up as a reaction to male (hetero)sexuality. Lolita-gate happened because people felt that these young females were being infantilized and sexualized in order to accrue and appease an older-male stanbase, however there was not a similar reaction on the flip side of the coin in regards to young males being infantilized and sexualized in order to accrue and appease an older-female stanbase. Both do happen, but I feel like when it does it’s not approached with nuance, so the issue gets lost in the talk.

Again, an example: the commercial I posted earlier with the 16 y/o gyrating in the elevator. Completely inappropriate, right? Yes. However, just recently there’s a group where a 16 y/o is singing about something innocent enough, but the breathy moans on the chorus coupled with the oral fixation throughout the video, does give it a sexual flair. And then she began promoting another song with two other girls, that is again more sensual, yet I’ve yet to hear any real backlash. Granted, they aren’t anywhere near as popular as T///wice, but they are a well-known fan-favorite. And their fanbase, especially among western stans, is mostly female. As opposed to T///wice, who early on, gained a reputation of having lots of (older) male fans.

(And even as a fan of this group L//00N//A, I can’t even mention it without being dog-piled as trying to start shit)

Or, like I mentioned earlier, I//rene. She’s very popular among guys, and sometimes gifs of her wardrobe malfunctions circulate the Korean interwebs, and that leads to a lot of nsfw discussion regarding her body. She also has a lot of female fans who do and say the same things (especially her western stans), but the anger is 100% directed at the male fans because how dare they.

Anyhow, because I dumped a lot on you that you probably do not care to read, and this was more a response to the asks I saw you had on Cupcak//e-gate – It’s complicated. The reaction that you see towards one situation is often times not the same reaction you’ll get in another, usually because fandom politics takes precedence over the actual issue.

And don’t even get me started on slut-shaming in this fandom, which either comes from outright misogynists, or misogynists pretending to be feminists. 

Oh, and yes, shipping is something often encouraged by companies. I can’t think of any group that’s debuted that hasn’t had some sort of company-pushed ship. The fanservice and bromance has definitely died down since the earlier days when the likes of TV//XQ and SU//JU had members kissing on stage and the like. A lot of it is borrowed from j///pop idol & visual-kei culture.

BTW, I know this is long, so feel free not to post it, especially considering how OT it is!

(submitted by anon)

You just submitted this long post, complete with linked sources, that you obviously worked hard on... how can I not post it?! Thank you so much for all this insight into this issue and fandom! I didn’t realize how much fandom politics and history there was behind this. It’s really interesting that reactions vary depending on the situation.

#submission

[mcrmadness]

I’m really tired and going to sleep very soon, but at the same time I’m super curious about this whole MCR reunion concert - and because I live in Europe, it will begin around 7am Finland time. And that is waaaaaay (lol) too early for me, especially as I’m just going to sleep and it’s already 3:30am here.

But yeah, the old MCR fangirl is still somewhere in me. And right now, as I’m going to sleep, I started to crave for a new MCR t-shirt. I guess I have to get one sooner or later. I already have 2 old ones in my closet I think? But since I was 15 and then 20 when I bought those, they do not fit me anymore. And the 2011 shirt that I bought from the the second concert in Finland (I was to their first in 2007 too, I didn’t buy anything but I got Frank’s signature!) is women’s shirt anyway and I no longer use them because they are uncomfortable af. But I also still have my first MCR merch ever (if not counting the cds etc.) aka my Shredded hoodie jacket. TBP merch which we ordered with my mom back in 2007, and it came all the way from the USA :D I was 16 but for some reason that hoodie jacket still fits me! But I haven’t been using it for years, it has some holes here and there, so it’s also literally “shredded”, and even tho I still love that hoodie, it it’s kinda weird one because I always link that to my 16-years-old self who used that hoodie like 24/7 :D But idk, maybe I will wear it again tomorrow, just for fun?

Oh and by the way, I just realized. Around these days was my 13th anniversary of becoming a MCR fan. I can’t understand how it’s possible but yup, that’s right. And I’m not exactly sure which day it was... might have even been 18th December 2006 when I finally gave up and gave them a listen? Anyway, I was really bad with music before that, only being “loyal” to just one band and I was annoyed because MCR was EVERYWHERE and I didn’t get away from it and I felt like, I HAVE TO give them a chance so they will then leave me alone. But nope, I actually started liking them. A lot. And I’m also one of those who started using the slogan “MCR saved my life” because I was going through a really rough time back then. I was bullied and hated in school - that’s why “I’m Not Okay” video spoke to me A LOT, I think that one was pretty much THE one to me. As I got TBP songs + only that song from the earlier stuff.

(If you’re interested in my story about how MCR has always been super important to me and how they have helped with my mental health issues, you can click the Read more link below.)

So yeah, it’s bit of a clichë and everything but the video really spoke to me, it felt like I had just looked into a mirror. Except that we don’t have high schools in Finland but you know. Anyway, I started to have mental breakdowns because of school and started skipping school days, and feeling bad conscience for doing so. And I had already had severe social anxiety since I was 11 or so; and that just got worse and worse every year. And then during the last class I started having just regular anxiety/depression/whatsoever symptoms from all the loneliness and because I felt like teachers were too demanding, I tried to be the best I could which was not enough for me so I started underachieving and that made me get even more depressed and hate myself for not being good enough at school, and then I gave up about school altogether because I just couldn’t sleep at night because I was so afraid of dying in my sleep, I was obsessed with listening to my heart but trying to find a spot where I don’t feel it and then getting anxious because I found a position where I didn’t feel it and needed to start feeling it so I knew I was still alive. So going to sleep was horrifying, and whenever I woke up, that whole heart thing started over and I couldn’t fall asleep anymore. So I just got up and cried because I didn’t want to go to school, and stayed at home. And then so many times I saw Welcome to the Black Parade on TV and heard it from the radio and it was everywhere all the time. And I actually felt that MCR did not leave me alone because I needed them but I didn’t know that yet? It was weird :D

And they helped me to get through all that shit - I actually was to a psych ward for a full week which was the best thing that could have happened to me. In a way, at least. I finally could sleep and I promised to go back to school if I can go back home. And they agreed so I went back to school and actually was able to finish all the courses and pass all the exams and so my 9 years of hell called school was finally over. But my mental health got back on its tracks only about 1,5 years later when I was 17 and started eating antidepressants. Until that I did not know I was not okay yet because I made myself believe so because I didn’t want to go back to the psych ward. But I started to get feels of that depression thingy again in 2008 and I felt so so so terrible that I just decided this needs to end now but like, for me that end was “Hell, I could even start with the antidepressants, I can’t take this anymore” so that happened then. And I quit the meds in 2013 finally. I still have anxiety and other fancy accessories that come along with it but I’ve pretty much learned to live with it instead of trying to get rid of it. It’s still a part of me and the way my brains function and it’s just so much easier to deal with it when you just let it live its own life, listen to yourself and accept that we all just aren’t neurotypical and that’s okay.

But what I was saying was that MCR has always been really important for me with this topic because they have always been so open about these things so every time I was struggling with my anxiety or bullying or whatever, I always just thought to myself “The guys from MCR have got through all that shit too, and so will I!” and it just gave me hope that it IS possible to overcome anxiety or depression etc. I’m still slightly socially anxious but it’s better than what it used to be, and I have generalized anxiety disorder but it’s okay, I have better days and worse days but so far my anxiety hasn’t killed me so I’m still fine. It actually helps me to think to myself “it’s only in my head” because somehow it just makes sense and makes the anxiety smaller - sometimes - when I think it’s just the chemicals in my brains being fucked up :D On the worst days nothing makes sense of course and every anxiety feels so real and can’t talk sense to it, but I’ve still always got over the worse days too. And I haven’t been depressive in ages but sometimes I’m bit afraid of that anyway, because it left me with traumas basically, but I still believe that because I have been through some sort of depressive episode(s) in the past, I can recognize MY symptoms in time and I can get myself help if that happens.

This was now some random-ass opening up but as if that would be something new for me lol. Just had to be nostalgic for a moment, can’t wait for tomorrow to see what happens during the concert! I browsed some tweets and Tumblr posts and those soundchecks and everything are just so uncanny. I still can’t really comprehend that the day is actually today :D

#personal #mcrmadness' random stuff #mcr

[mjbanaag-blog]

Nine Lessons for Breakups

It’s Not You, It’s God

Article by Marshall Segal, Staff writer, desiringGod.org

Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.

You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.

No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking, sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.

The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony

The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony.

Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage.

1. It’s okay to cry — and you probably should.

Breakups almost always hurt. Maybe you didn’t see it coming, and the other person suddenly wants out. Maybe you were convinced it needed to end, but knew how hard it would be to tell them. Maybe you’ve been together for years. Maybe you love their family and friends. Without the ceremony and covenant, it’s not a divorce, but it can feel like it.

It feels like divorce for a reason. You weren’t made for this misery. God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in oneness (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13). Because dating is only a means to marriage, God’s design for our marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships. Dating that dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God’s intention.

This doesn’t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage, but it does mean breakups will hurt. Sorrow in the midst of the severing is not only appropriate, but good. It’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of. God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts, like Christ’s lasting love for his bride. So feel free to feel, and know that the pain points to something beautiful about your God and his undying love for you.

And if it doesn’t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and out of romance without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync. This doesn’t mean you have to be ruined by every breakup, but there should be a sense that this isn’t right — it’s not how it’s supposed to be. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed. God needs to show some of us the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest about him and his love for the church.

2. Don’t try again too quickly.

Knowing and embracing God’s design for permanence in marriage and dating will help us feel appropriately, but it will also help us take healthy next steps in our pursuit of marriage. One of the worst and most popular mistakes is moving on to the next one too soon. Especially in the age of online dating and social media, we really don’t have to work very hard to find another prospect.

“God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed.”TweetShare on Facebook

Affection can be an addiction. If you’ve been on dates, held hands, seen smiles, exchanged notes, experienced the sweetness of another’s attention and affirmation, you will want more. And the easiest way to find it is to rebound right away. But if we care about God, our witness, our ex, and our future significant other, we’ll wait, pray, and date patiently and carefully. It’s too easy to leave a trail of wounded people behind in our pursuit of a partner.

It’s a lie to think that you’re not moving toward marriage if you’re not dating someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your future spouse is to not date. If your history looks serial, you might need to break up with dating for a while. It can be a time to regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future relationship.

3. You may have failed, but God didn’t.

The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or failure. There are things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior — that may disqualify us for marriage with a particular person. But it does not nullify God’s grace to and through you.

Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we let each other further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is more likely to show itself and to cut the other person more deeply. In the right measure, it is the good and proper risk of all Christian fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more likely to splash onto others, and theirs on us.

But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn’t God. Because of Jesus, his promises never to leave or forsake you are true every moment and in every relationship status. If you are trusting in Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and striving to follow him and his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never abandon you. God didn’t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if you’re the reason it’s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.

4. You are better having loved and lost.

There’s a unique shame and brokenness associated with breakups. Relationships and love may be celebrated more in the church than anywhere else because we (rightly) love marriage so much. Unfortunately, these same convictions often make breakups an uncomfortable conversation — at best embarrassing and at worst scandalous or humiliating.

You feel like damaged goods, like you’ve been ruined in God’s eyes or in the eyes of others. The hard-to-believe, but beautiful truth is that broken-up you is a better you. If in your sorrow you turn to the Lord and repent of whatever sin you brought to this relationship, you are as precious to your heavenly Father as you have ever been, and he is using every inch of your heartache, failure, or regret to make you more of what he created you to be and to give you more of what he created you to enjoy — himself.

When one prize is stripped away, we can graciously be reminded of how little we have apart from Christ and the fortune he’s purchased for us with his blood. He has become for us wisdom for the foolish, righteousness for sinners, sanctification for the broken, and redemption for the lost and afraid (1 Corinthians 1:30) — and affection and security and identity for the lonely man or woman reeling after the end of a relationship. So even in the aftermath of a breakup we have reason to boast, as long as our boast is in everything Christ is for us (1 Corinthians 1:31).

In Jesus, God is always and only doing good to you. There’s no circumstance facing you that he’s not engineering to give you deep and durable life and freedom and joy. He loves our lasting joy in him much more than he loves our temporary comfort today. He’ll make the trade any day, and we can be glad he does. Know that God is doing good, even when we feel worst.

5. Even if you can’t be friends now, you will be siblings forever.

For Christian relationships, breakups are never the end. Whether it sounds appealing now or not, you will be together forever (Revelation 7:9–10). And you’ll do so in a new world where no one is married, and everyone is happy (Matthew 22:30; Psalm 16:11). Sounds too good to be true, right? So what would it mean to move on and think about our ex in light of eternity?

“Because of God’s good and sovereign grace, you are better having loved and lost.”TweetShare on Facebook

While you will meet again and forever in heaven, you may not be able to be friends now. And that is not necessarily sinful. In fact, in many cases, the healthiest thing emotionally and spiritually will be to create some space and boundaries. Hearts that have been given away, at whatever level, need to heal and develop new expectations again.

Reconciliation does not require closeness. It does require forgiveness and brotherly love. You could start by praying for them, even when you can’t handle talking to them. Pray that their faith would increase, that God would bring believing brothers or sisters around them, that he would heal and restore their heart, that he would make them more like Jesus.

We need to learn to live today in our relationships, old and new, in light of our eternity together. Our patience, kindness, and forgiveness in breakups will shine beautifully next to the selfish, vindictive responses modeled in reality TV and adopted thoughtlessly by the rest of the world.

6. “It’s not you, it’s God” is not enough.

It might be one of the most popular Christian break-up lines. “God is leading me to do this.” “God told me we need to break up.” “I saw a vision in a bush on my way to class and we weren’t together.” All of them can probably be summed up like this: “Look, it’s not you, it’s God.”

God very well may lead you to a breakup, but don’t use him as a scapegoat. Own your own sin and ask for forgiveness where it is needed. Then be honest about how you came to this decision, how he made this direction clear to you. Sure, some things will be intangible, but find the tangible factors. This is not a license to say harmful things, but helpful things, even if they may hurt initially.

First, it’s wise not to be alone in your opinion about the need to break up. Yes, your boyfriend or girlfriend may not agree, but you need to share and confirm your perspective with someone who loves Jesus and both of you. Go to someone you know can assess your heart in wanting to get out. If it can be a married man or woman, all the better. Talk to someone who knows what it takes to persevere in marriage, and see what they think about your “deal-breaker(s)” in the relationship.

Our imagination, especially in an emotional crisis, can be a lethal weapon that Satan leverages against us for evil. When we leave everything vague and spiritual, our ex will not, and the majority of what their mind creates will be lies from the devil to destroy them. Give them enough information about how God led you to this decision without crushing them or tearing them down.

I say “enough” because there are lots of true-but-unhelpful things you could say. Again, run your talking points past a Christian brother or sister before taking them to your soon-to-be ex. In the end, they don’t have to agree with you, but it’s loving to help them toward the clarity and closure you’re feeling. It just may free them to grow and move forward sooner and with fewer questions.

7. Your Father knows your needs.

You’re probably questioning this in the wake of your breakup, but God does know what you need, and he’s never too slow to provide it. He might reveal things to you about the things you thought you needed. Or he might simply show you how much more you need him than anything or anyone else.

God feeds the unemployed birds of the air (Matthew 6:26). God grows the flowers of the field and makes them beautiful, even though they’ll be cut, stomped, eaten, or frozen in a matter of days or weeks (Matthew 6:28–30). How much more will this Father care and provide for his blood-bought children?

When you ask for a husband, he won’t give you a snake. When you ask for a wife, he won’t give you a scorpion. Even when it looks like he’s done you harm, he hasn’t. He loves you. He knows what’s best for you. And all things are at his disposal. All things.

One way God provides for us through breakups is by making it clear — by whatever means and for whatever reason — this relationship was not his plan for our marriage. The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy. This probably won’t taste sweet in the moment, but if you treasure clarity, breakups won’t be all bad news. We all know some of the news we need most is hardest for a time, but fruitful down the road.

Trust him to provide for you each day (or year) whether you get married or not. If you do get married, know that he will bring the imperfect man or woman you need.

8. Learn from love lost.

One of Satan’s greatest victories in a breakup is convincing a guy or girl, “It was all the other person’s fault, and I’ve already arrived as a future husband or wife.” The reality is no one — married or not — has fully arrived this side of glory. We are all flawed and filled with the Spirit, so we will all always be learning and growing as people and spouses — present or future.

After the emotional tidal wave has crashed and passed, take some time alone and then with close friends to assess where God’s carrying you — who he’s making you to be — through this. Identify an area or areas where you want to strive to be more gracious or more discerning or more faithful — more like Jesus — moving forward.

You won’t have many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and specific as a breakup, so it truly is a unique time for some hopeful, healthy introspection, checked and balanced by some other believers.

9. Jesus will help you find joy in the shadows of heartbreak.

When we’re left alone and feeling abandoned, it’s really hard to believe anyone knows what we’re going through. That may even be true of the good-intentioned people around you. It is not true of Jesus.

This Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory; and in his name the Gentiles will have hope” (Matthew 12:20–21).

“Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken.”TweetShare on Facebook

The joy is not in knowing that Jesus had it hard, too. Not much comfort there. The joy is in knowing that the one who suffered in your place died and rose again to end suffering for his saints. God saved the world and defeated death through his suffering, and your suffering in the midst of your walk with Jesus — in this case, in a breakup — unites you to that victory, the greatest victory ever won. For those who hope in Jesus, all pain — unexpected cancer, unfair criticism, an unwanted break up — was given an expiration date and repurposed until then to unite us in love to our suffering Savior.

Jesus went before the broken-hearted to pave the way for joy in pain. We live, survive, and thrive by looking to him, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). His joy before the wrath of God against sin is our first and greatest reason to fight for joy — not just survival — after a breakup.

If you believe that, then make the most of this breakup, knowing God has chosen this particular path to grow and gratify you in ways that last. No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you — even through their sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.

[hollywoodjuliorivas]

Advertisement STYLE When Your Greatest Romance Is a Friendship Modern Love By VICTOR LODATO FEB. 24, 2017 Continue reading the main storyShare This Page Share Tweet Pin Email More Save Photo Credit Brian Rea “Is this your grandson?” people sometimes ask Austin when she’s out with me. I love watching her vanity prick up, the way she serenely tilts her small white head and refurbishes her Southern accent to correct them. “No, honey. He’s my friend.” At this point, folks usually smile tightly and turn away, perhaps worried there is more than friendship going on between the old lady and the younger man seated at the bar or strolling through the supermarket, giggling like teenagers. Why we’re giggling, I couldn’t tell you. Often our mirth seems fueled by some deep-celled delight at being together. Friendship, like its flashier cousin, love, can be wildly chemical and, like love, can happen in an instant. When I met Austin, I was in my early 40s and not looking for a friend. I had come alone to this small Oregon town to finish a book. So when a bony, blue-eyed stranger knocked on my door, introducing herself as the lady from across the way and wondering if I might like to come over and see her garden — maybe have a gin and tonic — I politely declined. Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story Watching her walk away, though, in her velvet slip-ons and wrinkled blouse, I felt a strange pang, a slow pin of sadness that I suppose could best be described as loneliness. Suddenly I was dashing into the dirt road to say that I was sorry, that she had caught me in the middle of work, but that, yes, I would enjoy seeing her garden. “Not the gin and tonic?” she said. “Sure, that too,” I answered, blushing. And before I could suggest a visit the next week, she said: “So I’ll see you in a few hours, then. Shall we say 4:30?” I had to admire her sense of time. Next week is for someone who can afford to put things off. Austin, in her 80s, surely felt no such luxury. NYT Living Newsletter Get lifestyle news from the Style, Travel and Food sections, from the latest trends to news you can use. Sign Up Receive occasional updates and special offers for The New York Times's products and services. SEE SAMPLE MANAGE EMAIL PREFERENCES PRIVACY POLICY “I liked your face,” she admitted later, telling me she had spotted me at the mailbox. As she poured the gin, I told her I had seen her at the mailbox, as well, and liked her face, too. “I wish I had better eyebrows,” she said. “They used to be fabulous.” Her garden was astounding, like something dreamed rather than planted, a mad-hatter gothic in which a lawless grace prevailed. At dusk, the deer arrived, nibbling the crab apple blossoms. We had been talking for hours, slightly tipsy, and then we were in the kitchen cooking dinner. A retired psychologist, Austin had traveled extensively, spoke terrible Spanish and worse French, and was a painter now. She had had two husbands, the second of whom died in this house, in a small bed in the living room. “That’s what I’ll do,” Austin told me. “This room gets the best light.” We turned to the windows, but the light was already gone. That we could be quiet together so soon, and without strain, felt auspicious. “So you’ve run away from home?” she said at one point. From the beginning, there was something about our interaction that reminded me of friendships from childhood, in which no question was off limits. On religion, she claimed to be an atheist. I admitted to being haunted by the ghosts of a Roman Catholic upbringing. She said her sisters believed in hell and worried about her soul. Austin, though, seemed afraid of nothing, least of all death. I said I was still afraid of the dark. “Living alone,” she said. “It can make you funny.” I laughed but changed the subject, telling her I would like to see her paintings. Later, crossing the road back to my Craigslist sublet, I wondered what I was doing. I reminded myself of my plan: hiding out, staying in the dream of the book. I wasn’t here to socialize. After years of work on a single project, I was in the final stretch. I could finish a draft in a few months and head back home. Besides, if I wanted a friend during my retreat, I would find someone my age to throw back beers with. Gin and tonics with an old lady in her garden? That wasn’t in the plan. But there I was the next weekend having dinner with her, and then it was every weekend. Sometimes we went out to a restaurant or hiked in the mountains. Austin’s older friends seemed confused. “Is he helping you with the computer?” one asked. When I first started talking about Austin to my own out-of-town friends, they assumed I had found a new boyfriend. ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story “Austin’s a woman,” I would say. “Besides, she’s in her 80s. She’s just a pal.” Even as they replied, “That’s cool,” I could almost hear them thinking: “Must be slim pickings out in Oregon.” What was perplexing, I suppose, was not that two people of such different ages had become friends, but that we had essentially become best friends. Others regarded our devotion as either strange or quaint, like one of those unlikely animal friendships: a monkey and a pigeon, perhaps. Admittedly, when I would spot us in a mirror, I saw how peculiar we were. This vivacious white-haired imp in her bright colors and chunk-style jewelry sitting with the dark-haired man in his drab earth-tone sweaters and Clark Kent glasses. Maybe I looked like some nerdy gigolo or this elegant woman’s attentive secretary. If we made no sense from the outside, it didn’t matter. We were mostly looking at each other. One night, Austin chatted about her life as a middle-aged wife in academia. “I completely missed out on the wildness of the ’60s,” she said. I told her I had missed out, too. “You weren’t born yet,” she said. “Or hardly.” Often we cooked together, as we had that first night, after which she would show me whatever painting she was working on. At her request, I also started reading to her from my book-in-progress. We gave each other feedback; our work improved. When my six-month lease was up, I renewed it. The novel wasn’t finished. Plus, I couldn’t imagine a better neighbor. Before I knew it, three years had passed. I was writing seven days a week and spending most evenings with Austin. Sometimes she had spells of vertigo now, and when we walked together she held my arm. Often she couldn’t find the right word for something. When she wanted to keep away visitors so she could paint, she hung a sign on her studio door: “Do not destroy.” Soon the headaches came, and more jumbled language. “I need to screw my calls,” she said, meaning she needed to screen them. ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story We laughed, then sobered. Tests were scheduled. Now she is eight months into what the doctors say is a quick-ravaging illness deep in her brain. They say there is no stopping it. A year more, if she’s lucky. Even as I refuse to believe this, I prepare for it. How? By keeping my promise to her. A few months before her diagnosis, Austin had attended a wedding. She showed me a copy of the vows, which had been distributed at the ceremony — a detailed list. I read it carefully, at Austin’s bidding. We were sitting in a car, waiting for our favorite Thai restaurant to open. “I never had anything like that with the men in my life,” she said, pointing to the vows. “We loved each other, but we didn’t have that.” She was crying now, something she rarely did. I took her hand and said, “Well, you have it with me. Everything but the sex.” At which point, the monkey kissed the pigeon. That night, I had an odd realization: Some of the greatest romances of my life have been friendships. And these friendships have been, in many ways, more mysterious than erotic love: more subtle, less selfish, more attuned to kindness. Of course, Austin was going to die long before I did. That’s not what this is about. This, I have come to understand, is a love story. Austin continued to paint for several months more, fractured, psychedelic self-portraits in scorching colors. Her best work. Lately, though, she is tired and hardly leaves the couch. I sit with her, at the opposite end, our legs intertwined. “Read to me,” she says. When I tell her the book is finished, she tells me to read her something new. But whenever I do, she promptly falls asleep. ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story I don’t leave, though. I stare out the window. Austin was right. This room does get the best light. Recently her hair has thinned, but she has a shock of white up front that a friend’s daughter has dyed with a streak of fuchsia. She looks like some punk girl I might have dated in high school. She had a bit more energy the last time I came to visit and said: “Oh, Victor, I had the most wonderful dessert yesterday. Peaches and Connecticut. Have you ever had it?” “No,” I said, smiling. I loved the idea of it. Two things that don’t seem to go together. Monkeys and pigeons. Peaches and Connecticut. Unlikely, yes — but delicious beyond measure. Announcing our 4th Modern Love College Essay Contest. See nytimes.com/essaycontest for details. Victor Lodato is the author of the novel “Edgar and Lucy,” to be published in March. He lives in Oregon. To contact Modern Love, email [email protected]. To hear Modern Love: The Podcast, subscribe on iTunes or Google Play Music. To read past Modern Love columns, click here. Continue following our fashion and lifestyle coverage on Facebook (Styles and Modern Love), Twitter (Styles, Fashion and Weddings) and Instagram. Announcing our fourth Modern Love College Essay Contest. See nytimes.com/essaycontest for details. A version of this article appears in print on February 26, 2017, on Page ST6 of the New York edition with the headline: A Great Romance, With a Friend. Order Reprints| Today's Paper|Subscribe Continue reading the main story RELATED COVERAGE MODERN LOVE Taking a Break for Friendship (Updated With Podcast) OCT. 1, 2015 COMMITTED JAN. 24, 2017 MODERN LOVE Just Friends? Let Me Read Between the Lines (Updated With Podcast) OCT. 31, 2004 MODERN LOVE Modern Love - Friends Without Benefits JAN. 10, 2013 TRENDING Immigration Agents Discover New Freedom to Deport Under Trump Trump Ruled the Tabloid Media. Washington Is a Different Story. 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