#and my sister. in front of this cishet boyfriend who seems uncomfortable with lgbt people. asks me

[eliotcoldwater]

cannot Wait to get to figure out my relationship with my gender without the awful cisnormative, toxic masculinity, internalized transphobia, dysphoria goggles

#im ready to be obsessed with myself! #ive turned into a shell of a person in the past year #i need more lgbt friends #ive been exclusively surrounded by cishet ppl for so long irl #that i just. it's not even just internalized transphobia it's just. internalized everything #trying so hard to fit in that it's made me disgusted with everything about myself #i haven't defended myself at all cause my self confidence is Non Existent #like just last friday. my sister was here with his bf to look after me post op #we were watching a movie and he felt the need to go 'that's gay' in a Not Cool tone #and i couldn't do anything but freeze up and feel ashamed of myself #and my sister. in front of this cishet boyfriend who seems uncomfortable with lgbt people. asks me #'sorry if it's personal but do you want a cock' #i felt mortified and just ??? wanted to sink thru the fucking floor. and also just shout at her #like this is my most supportive family member and her bf :) i luv it here #at work i feel inferior and judged even if no one's been directly gross to me #but you can tell from some people's attitudes. esp since my job is to make sure they're doing their job! #having to go ask someone to do smth when it's obvious even saying hi to me is like stepping on some shit to them #is so much fun! esp when if you tell them to do smth. they give you attitude. #and if you try to be nice and ask. they snark back. like there's no way to win #i would want to feel comfortable to even like. put a goddamn rainbow pin or smth on my backpack #without automatically feeling ashamed of myself. #god last year at pride i couldn't rlly talk to anyone cause i just didn't feel like i fit in with all the cis lgb #cause i was pre everything (ok i had been on a very low dose of T for a month but Nothing noticable) #like the lack of self confidence i have had grosses me out and i want to be better!!! #i want to not feel so fucking scared and ashamed and inferior and gross!!! i want my pride back #the kinda pride i had like. two or three years ago! when i wasn't so highly aware of how deeply the hatred runs #i just got so incredibly scared of existing as bisexual trans man #idk it's just so sad and feels pathetic that it got to me to this level where ive just regressed #god. i feel even worse than i ever did in the closet #niilo.txt