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#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and
opens-up-4-nobody
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7 months
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted
#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i
#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.
#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind
#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind
#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt
#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d
#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard
#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not
#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and
#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this
#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make
#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill
#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop
#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out
#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄
#unrelated
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