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#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill
opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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kweebtrash · 5 years
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Could you make a drabble with Johnny masturbating while thinking of Eri? 🤭
I already did this in Ch. 3. So i decided to do a masturbation scene with phone sex, teasing, dirty talk, Johnny being really desperate and needy?, and a smidge of daddy kink. So like I hope that’s ok? Also in Johnny's POV(obvs).
[9:45pm]
Wyd?
I typed out my favorite three letters in hopes of enticing her enough to come over. I had no idea why but the feeling of her beneath me while I fucked her hard was suddenly stuck in my brain. It had been all I could think about for the past half hour and I couldn’t quit. I imagined pinning her legs down with mine and laying my body over hers which made her look smaller than she actually was. She would almost always squirm against me, shoving her ass back to take me deeper and I just-
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: not you. Bye
What?? Now I would have to spend extra time convincing her. God, fuck my life. 
C'mon baby. I'll really make it worth your while
🦇BattOuttaHell🦇: yah I'm sure🙄 I'm busy
Doing what?
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: none of ur business. I'm busy
Jesus did I really have to beg? I bet she wasn't even doing anything. It’s fucking Tuesday night. Who does anything on a Tuesday?
Please baby? I can't stop thinking about you
Girls liked that shit,I didn't they? I mean...it was actually true though.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: BWAHAHAHAHHA
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: lmao ur that desperate huh baby boy?
I'm not desperate 😑 just horny
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: hate to break it to ya but horny and bugging me is you being desperate
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: srsly tho I'm stuck studying for an exam I know jack shit about. I'm screwed
You can also be screwed if you come over
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: pls die
Why are you so violent all the time?!!
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: bruh violence is my middle name
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: sry but it'll just be u and ur hand tonight
I groaned because I really really didn't want that. I would much rather have her squeezed around my cock and hear those soft breathy moans she made all the time. She would always hold onto me then, maybe dig some scratches into my back as I went as deep as I could go. I groaned in frustration and wanted to throw my phone but persisted. I was going to regret typing this and was already cringing but I figured I had to pull out the big guns. We were still trying this whole thing out but a test drive wouldn't be so bad.
Princess, daddy really needs you
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: oh my god Johnathan
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: 🚫🛑✋
I thought you liked that???
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: I do
The ellipse signaling her response bubbled for awhile and I wondered what the hell kind of paragraph she was writing.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: princess has to study. I'm srsly gonna fail😭😭
Just a little break? Please??
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: daddy with you it's never a "little break"
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: ull keep me there for hours and then I won't sleep and then I'll be tired and then I will fail
I sat up a little straighter staring at that word. It had a much different and more profound effect on me when she wrote it. I didn't cringe; instead I felt it deeply seeded within the base of my cock and it made my hormones go into overdrive. I quickly typed out a response hoping to make the conversation a bit more...dirty.
That's for sure
You know how long I can go and how weak you are for me when I've been inside you for hours.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: I mean it's alright ig
Goddamn it! Why was she like this? She was such a frustrating little shit!
Bruh I'm just tryna get off ok? If you're not gonna come over can you at LEAST help me out a little??????????
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: wtf you want me to do? Sext you??
I mean it's better than you being a dick to me
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: aww baby boy wants to whineeee
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: u are pretty much begging at this point
I rolled my eyes hating that she was kind of right.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: good thing I like to hear men beg for me
Oh shit. Did that mean that I was getting closer to her helping me? It was probably one of those kink things. I thought for awhile if I should actually swallow my pride and do it some more just to get her to participate. I was going to feel like an idiot but at least I'd be an idiot who came. I sent her a snap of me pouting with the puppy filter trying to be cute enough.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: ur an idiot u know that right?
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: anyway idk how to sext?
What do you mean you dont know how to sext? You just do it.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: well i’m not gonna say stuff your cock in my pussy thats fucking disgusting
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: also im a writer so it’s just gonna come out weird
Try me. You can like describe what you like me doing to you. Anything.
I set my phone down and waited for her to respond. It wasn’t that difficult. I did it all the time but i wanted her to start. I just wanted to hear her instead of being wrapped up in my stupid fantasies. I looked down at the bulge in my sweatpants and sighed. If i got started now then I would keep getting interrupted and have to wipe my hand off every time. I set my pillow over my head and hoped that if I suffocated myself enough then I wouldn't have to suffer any longer.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: this is not going to be sexy at all lol
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: but i seriously love when you grab my hips and use it to fuck me deeper. I love how much you stretch me open, how much you fill me and those grunts you make when youre close
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: i love when youre fucking me from behind and press yourself into my back and pin my wrists down. You make me feel so small and wrapped up in protectiveness i guess? Or maybe possessiveness. You usually bite down on my neck and shoulders when youre like that. The hickies are a pain in the ass to cover but i love looking at them afterwards and feeling how tender they are. It makes me remember the ache and how i cant wait to fuck you again.
🦇BatOuttaHell🦇: is this ok?
Fuck. yes. I typed out as soon as my phone vibrated with her response.
Shit, i couldn’t believe just her typing something could get me even harder but i could feel myself throbbing beneath my sweats. I wanted her to keep going but I needed to get off before i couldn’t take it anymore. I dared to call her and hear her seductive but shy voice. I dialed her number and hoped to God she would answer.
"Are you trying to have phone sex with me?" She asked instantly.
"15 minutes." I panted. "Take a break for 15 minutes."
"No more than that. I really have to study…"
"I promise, baby. I promise." I shoved my sweats off, keeping the phone between my ear and shoulder, and grabbed the base of my cock. The first stroke was slow, steady, full of yearning and as it turned out desperation. Precum was already covering my head and making a mess but I used that to my advantage. It added slickness to my strokes, easily letting my palm slide up and down my shaft. "Please just talk to me."
Her voice seemed to get a little lower. "What do you want me to say?"
"Anything." I bit down on my lip for a moment as my hips lifted into a particularly rough jerk. "I just want to hear your voice."
"I want to hear your moans then. Those pants, the groans, those little growls. Don't hold back, Johnny."
I set the phone on speaker so I could keep it beside me and have more freedom. "Ye-yeah. I won't hold back trust me."
I gripped onto the blanket beside me, trying to remind myself that I needed to use those fifteen minutes to my full advantage. I knew with how much of a brat she was, she probably already had a timer going. I slowed my strokes a little bit, giving my fingers time to roll over my head and dip into my slit. I breathed out a soft pant as I focused everything on how sensitive I was. With each stroke of my fingers I imagined Eri on top of me, grinding into my hips and taking every inch I would give her. She looked so utterly gorgeous, like a fucking goddess every time she smirked down at me or set her hands on my chest to steady herself. Why was she so damn perfect?
"A little louder Johnny. I want to really hear you or else I'll hang up."
"N-no." I choked out. "F-fuck...I'm just thinking about you!"
My fist was trembling around the blanket as I could hardly hold back. I squeezed my hand a little tighter around myself trying to replicate the way she clenched around my cock. It wasn't exactly the same but damn near close.
"Hmm? Thinking about me? What am I doing to my baby boy?"
“Riding me! Fuck you’re riding me so fucking good.” I groaned louder than I expected. My thighs were starting to tremble just a bit and i dug my toes into the mattress. I was bucking even harder than before, The thoughts of her were driving me crazy; her voice was adding to it all and those coy little giggles made it even worse. I wanted her so fucking bad.
“Do you want to cum?” She breathed out. 
“Yes.” I growled deeply. “Eri...shit…”
“You’re super cute when youre begging. Do you think I should let you?” She teased.
“Oh, i’m going to, whether you let me or not princess. What daddy says, goes.” i released another growl and gripped my balls with my other hand, squeezing them in a chaotic dance of pleasure and need.
“Not when daddy calls princess begging to fuck. You can hold out a bit longer. I deserve to hear a few more moans.”
I let out a growl of frustration. “Eri.” I said sternly. “I swear to god…”
“Say my name like that as you fuck me from behind.”
I tossed my head back into the mattress as the vision popped in my head instantly. My hand stroked at an ungodly pace as i felt my release approaching fast. I was a mess of feelings and sounds, drowning in my own lust and letting my body fall into every awakened nerve. My muscles tightened and i felt warmth rush over me. My breathing deepened as I squeezed out the last few ropes of cum that splattered all over my stomach. My hand was drenched as well and i flopped back, sighing as i knew i had so much to clean up. I picked up the phone with my clean hand and took her off speaker.
“14 minutes, 39 seconds. Good job.”
“I knew,” I licked my lips and tried to steady my breath. “You were fucking counting, you evil little shit.”
“Whhaaatttt! I have to get back to studying! Except I might have a little fun myself.”
“Are you kidding me? After I asked? God, i cant stand you.”
She chuckled and I could just see that devilish smirk on her face. “Mhm, whatever you say. I have to get going now. Have fun cleaning up.”
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omgokiguess · 6 years
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every time i’m hungry now i feel like i’m kind of like.... damaging my self and my health and my body because i’m actually getting close to falling apart. same goes for when i drink or smoke a cigarette. but it doesn’t stop me. i’m like “god this is so unhealthy and if i go to sleep i really might not wake up” but then i do the stupid thing anyway. cause like maybe it’d be better. maybe i’d LIKE to suffer permanent brain damage lol. 
like yesterday i didn’t eat until like 7pm when i went and got bagel bites which a whole thing of them is only 450 cals for the day and then to finish the day off i mixed the remainder of the diet coke with the whiskey and got hammered off that and woke up a little more dead than the day before and was like “wow this is bad” immediately followed by “wow this is exactly what i want”
at least i started trying to remember to take a multivitamin, which i was not doing up to this point because they usually make me throw up for some reason
and like it’s so sad really like i told myself ALL DAY that i REALLY was NOT gonna drink today FOR REAL THIS TIME because I CAN’T ANYWAY cause i have C homework to do!!! so like I REALLY THOUGHT I WASN’T DRINKING YESTERDAY but i got just as smashed as ever.
cause part of me is always like “let’s just drink the liquor right now and get it out of here so i’m not tempted and then i just won’t buy anymore.” it’s kind of the same thing with food. i’ll just be like “i’ll just eat half these cookies and throw the rest out so i don’t have to keep thinking about them.”
how do normal people think? like do normal people think absolutely zero of these things lol? literally can’t relate because this is every thought through my idiot head. like i realized my roommate is never tempted by the alcohol that sits around and that’s really puzzling to me. like.... do you actually not feel compulsions to drink it all? do you even think about it or is it just like an item on the counter to you? so confusing really
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