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holdmecloser-gandydancer · 2 years

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Okay okay okay

Hear me out

41. you know what, maybe they ARE tired of being nice. maybe they DO wanna go apeshit. And Davenport lol

He should be able to go a little apeshit, as a treat :)

He does deserve to go apeshit!!! From this prompt list! (still accepting!!)

Working in academia for a while tends to earn you a reputation. You could be known as the hard ass, the professor who’s little more than a brick wall that reads off of powerpoint slides, the professor who’s entirely too willing to spill every single detail on why their marriage failed, or even the professor who is abysmally unhelpful to anyone not interested in their research. Through no active attempts of his own, Dr. Davenport has earned the reputation of having the patience of a saint. Even students who’ve never had a class with him, who would have no reason to have a class with him, sing his praises; Rockport University’s a small campus, word gets around.

Davenport never intended to be put upon a pedestal like that, he was just doing his job and doing what he could for his students. He wasn’t one to balk at an assignment turned in a day late, wouldn’t demand a litany of excuses and documentation for a missed class, just an email to let him know the student was doing okay. He was notorious for bringing in snacks on midterm and final days. If his lectures bordered on dry, students never faulted him too much. “He just drones on after a while,” some of his online reviews would begin, “but at least he seems into what he’s teaching.” Holistically, Davenport was one hell of a professor.

But everyone has their limits.

Usually as math department chair, Davenport was able to dodge teaching introductory courses for students who didn’t want to be there and for students who absolutely didn’t belong there. (Even the best professor couldn’t help but occasionally dash the med school hopes of students who failed cal 1). This year though, the department was facing a number of staffing issues which is how he found himself leading a class of non math majors into the fray of finite math. A finite math class that met Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 8 am. What could go wrong?

Besides about half the class choosing absenteeism over attendance, the class had gone well for much of the semester. Test grades were decent, the students who did show up usually did their best to not be obviously on their phones the entire time, and none of his dry erase markers had gone missing. Truthfully, Davenport couldn’t complain too much.

Davenport shuffled into the classroom and kicked snow off his boots, unwinding his scarf as he did. “Sorry I’m a little late, folks. Spilled coffee all over some books from the library so please please please do not tell Mrs. Istus at circulation about that, I’m hoping she won’t notice. Also, car door was quite literally frozen shut this morning so that was a whole other debacle to deal with. But I’m here, you’re here, it’s Friday, let’s rock and roll through some probability, maybe some introductory stats stuff too.” He stacked his cold weather gear onto the chair before looking out at the blank faces of his students. Great start. He glanced at his outline for a moment before pacing to the center of the classroom. “I always like starting off with independent events, I think they’re useful and can even be fun at parties if you’ve got that one friend who always says ‘now what are the odds of that?’ because now you can let them know!” He laughed a little to himself before walking towards the whiteboard. Looking around the room, he pointed at the twins slouching in the middle row. “Let’s say Taako and Lup over there are getting their nerd on and are playing Dungeons and Dragons later tonight.” Lup blinked heavily and nodded absently while Taako snorted, attempting to hide the fact that he was absolutely checking Twitter instead of listening. “And let’s say they’re both just rolling like crap. They’re trying to kill some evil wizard or something and both whiff it, bad. What are the odds that, using a twenty-sided die, they both roll a natural one?”

Fifteen blank faces stared back at him. He looked around the room, trying to catch the eye of any of his students; they were all pointedly avoiding eye contact, hoping to skirt any attention. Davenport hesitated. He hated cold calling but sometimes he had no other choice.

“Magnus?”

Magnus Burnsides jerked his head up from his hand where it was previously propped up for the world’s least comfortable nap. “Yeah?”

“What are the odds that Taako and Lup both roll a one on a twenty-sided die?”

He scratched his sideburns thoughtfully, genuinely contemplating the question. “Uh, one in ten, right?”

Davenport’s smile wavered for a moment. “Not quite! Let’s try someone else. Sloane? Any ideas?” Davenport looked at her expectantly.

Sloane blinked and stared at him for a moment before shaking her head. “One in twenty?”

Davenport grimaced a little. “Okay, let’s take it back a step. Who can tell me what the textbook called independent events?” He looked out into the room and saw fifteen scalps; everyone had upped their avoidance tactics. “Taako?”

Taako set his phone down in surprise and sent Davenport a tight smile. “Hmm?”

“Did you catch my question?”

“See, I want to say yes because I feel like you’ll be disappointed if I say no. But no.”

He nodded tiredly. “I appreciate the honesty. Avi? Remember what the book said about independent events?”

Avi shook his head slowly as he smiled apologetically.

Davenport took a deep breath and clasped his hands together. “Okay, did anyone actually do the reading?” Once again, fifteen pairs of eyes declined to meet his. Davenport could feel his blood pressure rising by the minute. “Folks, I really don’t think I ask for a lot. I know most you really don’t care about this class and that’s your business. But you have got to help me help you. You know, I-I really don’t love having my inbox flooded with questions that are answered in the first two pages of the chapter we’re on. But that happens every time an assignment goes out. You’re all smart but you’re not acting like it. And frankly, I don’t know how much more I can take! Those of you that actually come to class spend most of your time daydreaming or checking your socials or just outright sleeping and I’m a little sick of it!”

All his students looked around at each other, saying nothing. Nobody had ever seen Davenport get flustered. Truthfully, nobody had thought it possible.

“And listen, I know nobody wants to spend their time reading a math textbook but I really don’t wanna spend my time trying to get some very basic concepts through your skulls when we could be spending our time more wisely. I know damn well I’m going to stand up here and explain the lesson for today, assign some problems, and get no fewer than ten emails I’ll have to attend to. My differential equations class has been waiting for test grades for three weeks because I’ve been having to spoon-feed this class APR! I’m not trying to be a dick this morning but you’ve got to give me something. You’ve gotta start doing your readings, give me a little bit of feedback in class, and stay off your damn phones. You think you can handle that?” Davenport was a little red in the face. He hated having to go on a tirade sometimes the situation called for it.

The class nodded mutely. Davenport smiled warmly at them. “Okay great. I’m sorry about that, I really am but I do hope you all understand where I’m—”

He was cut off by perhaps the single loudest rendition of the chorus of “Call Me Maybe” coming from a phone in the classroom. Ever head in the room turned to look at Kravitz, who was frantically trying to shut his phone off. He looked back at Davenport sheepishly. “Sorry, I thought it was on silent.”

Davenport silently walked back to the chair where he had stacked his winter gear and started bundling back up. “Uh, happy Friday, everyone. Go home or go somewhere else, I think we’ve all had enough today.”

#taz #taz balance #tazb #the adventure zone #davenport #taz davenport #taz au #like i could tag everyone else mentioned but it feels disingenuous. this is a dav fic ksldfjsld #thank you!!#this uh. this is totally Not Based On Real Events #i think more mild mannered profs should go apeshit #reese writes #also don't come for me for any math corrections i never took finite #i was a stats bitch #tentatively positive 3 #prompt fill

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

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Survey #190

“i haven’t slept since i woke up.”

Do you prefer your nails long or short? Why? Short. It's annoying how long ones tap when I type and such. Are you still in touch with your best friend from high school? No. Have you ever visited any celebrity gravesites? No. How do you feel about archaeology? Cool as shit. What are your thoughts on gun control? Don't outlaw them, but make them much harder to obtain. Have you ever had an exotic pet? Do snakes and lizards count? Have you ever had to block people online for harassing you? Yes. What kind of socks do you prefer to wear? (Crew, ankle, knee, etc) Idk, the normal ones. Are you friends with anybody you didn’t like at first? I'm dating her lmao. What is your favorite thing to do on The Sims? Don't play it. Have you dyed your hair more than once (and different colors)? Yup. Which hair color you’ve had has been your favorite? Red or purple. Your favorite place to be aside from your home? Sara's house. If you were stupid-rich, would you ever actually want a mansion? Omg no. Did you ever sit alone at lunch in school? I did that a lot. Did random people come sit with you to try to be nice? I don't believe so. Do you know anybody who puts ketchup on their mac n cheese? Probably, and they need to be arrested. What is your least favorite beverage? Out of everything I've ever tasted, some kind of white wine. Any old home remedies you use when you’re sick? The classic sipping on ginger ale. When was the last time you wore a full face of makeup? Forever ago for a picture. Do you own an iPad? No. What’s the most hours you’ve worked in a week? N/A Do you believe in karma? No. What’s an achievement you hope to see humanity accomplish in your lifetime? See great improvement in the health of the ozone and see the work put towards conservation beginning to show well. Do you have a difficult time relating to other’s emotions? NOPE. Have you ever bathed in a river or a lake? No. Have you ever had a dream in which you died? Yes. What was your favorite school subject when you were in middle school? Science. Do you wish vampires existed? um no the fuck At the moment what is your favorite song? I'm on a "Stressed Out" by TOP thing. Have you ever been pantsed? No. Do you keep up with pop culture? No. Did you ever like barbies? Do you currently like barbies? Not especially, but I played with them if my sis or friends wanted to. I've no interest in them now. What turns you off in the opposite sex? Everyone fancies the opposing sex??????????? That's news to me. But whatever, arrogance, for one. What kind of gum do you chew most often? Your favorite flavor? Probably uh... really idk. I don't buy it and will just take what someone offers. My fave flavor is watermelon or strawberry. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I have noooo clue what's hot rn. Well, I heard "High Hopes" by P!atD on the radio not too long ago, which I adore. Do you ever ask random questions to see people’s reactions? No. Do you like to people watch? Not particularly. Are you a very patient type of person? NO. NO. N-O. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Fireee. Do you have a Zwinky? IMVU? No. Have you ever had a Neopets? Yesssss, my computer addiction began there lmao. When you were younger didn’t you just love Pokemon? ADDICT. Do you currently love Pokemon? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Have you ever been to a wild party? No. How many friends do you have on Myspace? Hell if I know. Are you one of those people who get car sick? No. Have you ever gotten sea sick? No, but I've never been out on the ocean for long. Do you put on a robe when it’s cold? Don't have one. Has anyone ever told you that you & your significant other could be siblings? Have they ever assumed you were siblings? Mom's called us twins like a million times. Idk if anyone's assumed that. Have you ever attempted origami? Are you good at it? Do you enjoy it? What’s your favorite origami to make? No. Are you more likely to like someone before you really know them, or do you feel you like them more after you know a lot about them? Hmmmm, I suppose this depends on what I learn about the person. Do you buy people cards on special occasions, or do you prefer to make your own? WELP I don't make my own money and tbh I'm too much of a lazy shit to make them. Don’t you hate when people say that you & them should get together, but they don’t even make the effort to? I can't speak here, I do it too. Social anxiety holds me back from trying to plan things. Where on your body was the last cramp you had? Why did you have this cramp? Uhhhh probably my lower abdomen because female with a sadly operating uterus. Do you get embarrassed when people hear you sing/compliment you on your singing ability? If so, why is that? YES. Idk why. Do you own one of those singing fish? Do you think they are silly or funny? No, but they make me chuckle now bc of that video of a broken one channeling Satan. Have you ever caught someone stealing from you? Did you confront them? No. When was the last time you prepared extensively for something? Did your preparation pay off? Ha, first trip to Sara's... I WAY overpacked. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher/professor? Did you act on your feelings? No. Have you ever experienced culture shock? Not seriously. Going to Illinois, Chicago in specific, was incredibly different for me, but I wouldn't classify it as "shock." How did you discover your greatest passion? Y'know I'm not even totally sure what my greatest one is. Do you believe that all art is political? No????? Have you ever had a conversation with a cab driver? Never even been in a cab. Do you have any shirts from vacation/tourist locations? Not anymore. Do you know anyone who has never read the HP books? Who? *cautiously raises hand* Do you ever visit your mall’s arcade (if it has one)? Doesn't have one. Our mall is literal shit. If you lost the use of your limbs, would you still want to live? NOPE please fucking kill me. Not even an exaggeration. What’s your absolute favorite topic to discuss? M-M-M-Mark. :') Though odds are I'd be shy talking about him because I am quite obviously not just a "yeah he's cool" fan okay I get self-conscious. What is your least favorite topic to discuss? Economics. What is your opinion on psychics? Real, or fake? Fake. How would you rank your “class participation” in school? Normal? I asked questions if I really needed help, I'd sometimes answer questions or help read aloud, stuff like that. Have you ever cut your own hair? How about anyone else’s? No to both. What is the last thing you asked your parents to purchase for you? Fast food lunch. What is your favorite kind of lunch meat? Ham. Have you ever been confined to a wheelchair? No, thankfully. If you have a job, who’s your closest friend at work? N/A Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? Very few things. Were your parents born in the same country they now live in? Yes. How many living grandparents do you still have? One. Have you ever heard people having sex in the next room? Yes, or at least pretty sure. Have you ever been on a strict diet and exercise regime? Diet, no, but I stuck to a serious exercise plan during one summer. Do you have a favorite author? No. How long do you usually take in the shower? Not even ten minutes. Get my shit done and get out. Have you ever worked in an office? No. What is your favorite way to eat rice? Fried. Have you ever been in serious trouble at work or school? No. Have you ever kissed anyone under the mistletoe? Yes. What’s one unusual little thing that you really enjoy? Uhhhh. What’s the biggest bruise you’ve ever had? Not sure. Is there anything that people always tell you that you should do? Become an artist or publish writings. Have you ever broken up with someone and then regretted it later? No. What’s the background picture on your phone? Do you change it a lot? Lock screen is meerkat pups cuddling, home screen is Sara kissing my cheek. :') Have you ever taken someone back, who ended up just hurting you again? Not in a romantic sense. How do you feel about shaved pubes? No opinion. Can young people fall in love? If not, why not? Absolutely, I did. What’s your opinion on masturbation? Do it if you so feel the need, but not at all for me. Those experiences are exclusive to me and my partner. What is your favorite Queen song? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM obviously "Bohemian Rhapsody"??????????????? Have you ever “spoken” to any celebrities via Twitter? No. Do you eat cereal bars? No. Do you know any immigrants? Off the top of my head, only an illegal family. Have you ever lived in university or college accommodation before? No. If you haven’t already, are you scared of leaving home? If you have, do you like it? I'm both nervous but keen to. Do you know how to look after yourself away from home? (budget, pay bills, feed yourself, cook, clean, do laundry etc.) ^ this is why I'm nervous lmao. If you could only eat one vegetable for a year (not including potatoes) what would it be? Broccoli. Do you have a certain routine in the bath or shower? What is it? Shave, wash hair, use my facial scrub, and then body wash. Do you prefer chicken burgers or beef burgers? Beef. Would you ever eat kangaroo steak? No. What’s the weirdest meat you’ve ever eaten? Nothing too odd. Is there a chalkboard or whiteboard anywhere in your house? There's a whiteboard in the kitchen. Do you like dried fruit at all? What’s your favorite type? NO. Who lives across the street from you? Nobody; there's a field there. When you were in college, where was the coolest place to hang out? N/A Who did you go to prom with? Jason. What was your first vehicle’s name? Never had my own car, wouldn't name it either. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them? Dylan. I thought he was cool and funny and at that age found him god-tier hot lmao. What do you think you cook or bake the best? Just scrambled eggs. Have you considered running for president? Definitely not. How old is the most expired item in your fridge? Idk??? If I was aware something in there was expired, I'd throw it out. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard? "Hurt." Johnny Cash's cover absolutely ramps up the emotional aura to it tenfold. How about the sweetest song? "Here For You" by Ozzy Osbourne. How many bones have you broken? None. Have you ever won anything? Big or small? Yeah. Small things, but I consider the SH:R things to be pretty damn big personally. If you could buy one material thing, and money was not an issue, what would it be? Front row tickets for Mom to Metallica. Concert is the end of this month, and after seeing her lose her fucking mind in ecstatic tears upon finding out they were coming, I'm legitimately depressed for her that we're missing it. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Sashimi. What’s the best way to comfort you when you’re having a really terrible day? Watch some of my favorite Mark videos, listen to the SOTC or SH2 soundtracks, bring me my favorite Reese's bar, ha. Has anything/anyone ever saved your life before? Yes. Jason first, then the partial hospitalization program as a whole, Mom, and two of my medications. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? Hm. I guess a vibrator lmao. What is the most important memory you have and why? Realizing I could live *happily* without Jason. Obvious why that's important. Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? Shane Dawson is my Dad. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? To certain people. Are you embarrassed by your school yearbook photos? I literally only remember liking one lmao. Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? Mom and Dad both. Do you think dimples are cute? YEAH What’s something you used to collect when you were younger? Stickers, then to a less degree seashells. At one point of your life, have you been obsessed with dinosaurs or robots? I was craaaaaaaazy about dinosaurs as a kid. I still love them. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Scrambled eggs back when Sara was here in June... lmao. Have you ever not canceled plans and wished you had? Probably. What is something you were scared of as a kid? Animatronics. Still not a fan. Would you rather write a story or a poem? I'll actually finish a poem. But I mean our RP is a really just a big-ass story and I write for it way more than anything. Are you moving soon? No. Do you get nervous around the opposite gender? Always. This fear of men thing's gotta go. Did you ever have a ‘security blanket’ when you were younger? Yes, a stuffed bunny hugging a little polka-dot blanket. What is your lucky charm? Don't have one. What time does your dad usually wake up in the morning? Well, I don't live with him. But he's a mailman, and if his schedule's the same as it was when my parents were together, early. Name the craziest moment of your life: I guess it depends on your definition of "crazy." But I suppose the night of the breakup when I left the house in the dead of night to walk to his house to talk as Mom wouldn't take me. It's a seven minute drive so would've taken a long time to get there, but I didn't care. Mom eventually went after me and kept cutting my path off with the car until I just collapsed sobbing. That was a fucking ordeal. I wouldn't wish that night on anyone. Do you want to travel? YES. Do you plan on having children? No. Who did you last say I love you to? Sara. Do your parents actually knock on your door before entering your room? Mom, no. Dad did. What can’t you wait for? "Can't wait," idk, but I'm looking forward to my birthday. Do you have a bad temper? No. It's hard to make me mad. What brand of digital camera do you own? Nikon. Have you ever seen a Broadway show in New York? No. Are you listening to music right now? "Angel Eyes" by New Years Day ft. Chris Motionless. When was the last time you were told you were cute? I have no clue. Have you ever wished to be an Internet celebrity? How about a ‘real’ one? No. Have you ever been kayaking? No. Do you care overly about other people? Some. What is your favorite family tradition? We don't even have any anymore, it seems. Do you make friends easily? No; I'm way, way too reserved and shy. Do you make enemies easily? Or do you not have any enemies at all? I'd like to think I don't have any. Do you think its likely that humans will go extinct in the next 1000 years? No. Eh, maybe, if we do nothing about royally fucking up the environment. If you have tattoos, how long have you had them? Uhhhh I got my first for my 18th birthday, idr how old my second is, "ohana" is like, two years old or something, my fourth is a year old, Sara's tattoo is from last June, and my latest one was a good few months ago. How old are your next-door neighbors? All I know is elderly. I've never even seen the ones on the other side of us. What did your family usually do for Easter when you were a kid? Easter egg baskets, the egg hunt, and church. What’s the largest bug you’ve ever found in your house? Omg probably this long-ass centipede that was on my door at our old house. Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? BITCH you bet I will be decked the fuck out when I have my own source of income. I never ask on Christmas or my birthday 'cuz it's embarrassing lmao. Pick a flavor: pumpkin or apple? Apple. Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? I only eat it with milk. It sucks with water. What is the best type of donut? Glazed or original. Have you ever left a note in a library book? No. What time of day do you prefer to wash your hair? Night. If you go to church, what is your favorite thing about it? N/A ^and what is your least favorite thing about it? Literally almost all preachers whose services I've been to like yell. Chill. You can be passionate without screaming and scaring me. Would you ever film a YouTube video with no make-up on and messy hair? Messy hair, no, but maybe no makeup. What’s your favorite movie that you remember seeing in the theater? Silent Hill: Revelation 'cuz it was the only movie I've ever watched it 3D. Have you ever had a pet rock? HAHA YES. Do you own a bobblehead? No. What is your favorite tattoo that you’ve seen? OH MAN DON'T ASK ME THIS. I absolutely adore those by Brando Chiesa, tho. Determined to have one by him one day aaaahhhh. What is something you have too many of? T-shirts. Do you have any disabilities? No. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? Hot Topic, Spencer's, one would be Victoria's Secret if I actually FIT IN THEY CUTE-ASS SHIT, and uh. That's like it. When was the last time you went to Michael’s? Foreeeeeeeeever ago. Ours closed years ago. What is your least favorite chore? Washing dishes. Do you organize your clothes by color? No. What was the last thing you made with your own hands? Does a drawing count?? Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader? No. What is the kindest thing you have ever done? Maybe donate a shitload of my hair to charity. I really did almost become teary-eyed when I learned it was truly used. What holiday should exist but doesn’t? It'd be nice to have a day centered around learning about mental illnesses and celebrating survivors of them more than usual, I just don't really know how. What holiday shouldn’t exist but does? Idk. I have holidays where I'm bothered that the meaning was warped, but. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? The North Pole. What do you think makes someone a hero? People looking up to you for doing genuine good. What cartoon would you like to be a character in? Pokemon. Are you a coupon clipper? Mom is for food. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be? REESE'S HUNNY What are your parents interested in? Mom: Surgeries/medical operations and bodily stuff, art, helping people (children in particular), psychology, etc. Dad: Hockey, football, golf, fishing, that kinda stuff. Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal? No. When do you feel your life energy the strongest? "Life energy?" Not too sure what that means. I guess I feel most "alive" when I'm out in nature witnessing natural beauties, like waterfalls or shooting stars, or driving through the mountains. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring? My cell phone (but keep it off unless needed), a knife, and... I'm not sure. I would say camera or book, but seeing as I'm there at night... OH. DUH. A flashlight so I wouldn't drain my phone's battery using its.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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jimmerscrackpotideas-blog · 7 years

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The X-men Are Suckers

So I appeared at the end of the ESPN True Hoop Friday mailbag.. http://www.espn.com/espnradio/play?id=18816025 and I delivered a rant about how the X-men are dangerous for the children. Someone on Twitter called my rant Trumpian, and it mortified me. I think in part because of my super woke view of Sex work (which can seem Liberitarian but is actually influenced much more by 3rd wave feminism), and the fact I left out a couple of shots at Trump, So I'm writing out my thoughts here, to hopefully clear up anything that can possibly be seen as Pro-Trump in it.

The premise of the X-men is that superpowers are caused by mutation in the form of the fictional “X-Gene” (not to be confused with the X-Chromosome). The X-Gene is distributed randomly through the population of humanity, seemingly at random. People born with the gene are no longer human, but literally a different species ( called Homo Superior in the comics, but most commonly “Mutants”) . All Mutants possess some sort of power. Some can be rather trivial, like having blue fur or wings like an angel, that allow you to fly. Some can be unimaginably powerful, like the ability to warp metal with your mind, to read and control the thoughts of others, and even warp space-time, matter and reality itself. The power of some of the Mutants within the X-men cinematic universe, is unfathomable and god-like.

Within this the mythology of this universe, Mutants are split into roughly two camps. The X-Men are the heroes, lead by Charles Xavier. Professor X's philosophy is what guides their actions. The X-men attempt to protect and save humanity, even though humanity largely hates mutant kind and fears it. They do this in the hope, that through their courage in fighting for what's right, that humans will see Mutants not as monsters, but as brothers.

The main antagonist of the X-Men is Magneto, an old friend of Professor X. Magneto is a Holocaust survivor. He has seen humanity at it's most cruel, and it's most evil, at it's most vicious. Magneto does not believe that humans will ever love and accept Mutantkind. He believes the only way to for mutants to survive mankind's evil nature, is to band together and fight against Humanity for the survival of mutant kind, by any means necessary ( I use that specific phrase intentionally).

In truth, the main villain of X-men universe (cinematic and comic) is not Magneto, but the government. The government fears and hates mutantkind, because mutants are different, and because they are powerful, and most of all, because they are out of the government's control.. The government is always trying to force mutants to register, to imprison them, to experiment on them and to eliminate their mutation (or failing to cure the mutation, eliminate mutants themselves). They are portrayed as always being cruel, always being vicious, always being prejudiced and evil. It is the government that both the X-men and Magneto are forever struggling against, the X-men struggling for acceptance, Magneto struggling for survival and independence.

If you are thinking to yourself, some of these themes might sound familiar, they are. Because, from the inception of the comics, the X-men in general, and the Professor X/Magneto dynamic in particular, have been an allegory for the civil rights movement. Professor X being analogous to Martin Luther King Jr., the viewpoint that through courageous moral action, mutants will shame humanity into no longer oppressing mutants. That humans will gain empathy for mutantkind and that human and mutant can live together as brothers. Magneto is analogous to Malcolm X, the viewpoint that humanity will always hate and fear mutantkind. The only way that Mutantkind will ever be safe, is not appealing to humanity's moral guilt, but through mutantkind's empowerment.. If mutant kind are strong enough, then if humanity cannot love mutants, they will fear them enough to leave them alone. And if they don't, Magneto and his group of mutants will fight humanity to the death.

On the surface, this seems like a rather good way to introduce the civil rights movement to children. Particularly to the children white America, who's parents may or may not teach them anything at all about the movement. I would, however, argue, that the praise X-men gets for this analogy is misguided, and it's actually a terrible metaphor for the civil rights movement. I am not talking just about the fact that it ultimately vilifies the Magneto/Malcolm X approach, but the metaphor itself is fundamentally flawed and problematic Here's why: Races are not separate species, all races are humans.. Black people are not inherently dangerous, and that fearing, hating and oppressing black people is both irrational and immoral. However, Mutants are, by definition, a different species. Some of the are INCREDIBLY dangerous, some have the power to level cities and destroy even the world itself. Fearing that sort of power is rational, not irrational, and controlling that power is necessary for the survival of the planet.

Mutants are not like Captain America, who was granted his powers after psychological screening and much thought and planning. Mutants are not like Iron Man, who's suit Tony Stark built, and the implications of that suit and the responsibility of the power of it was all too well known to him. Mutants are granted their powers by chance. A roll of the dice determines if your born with powers that can potentially kill millions and billions. Mutants are literally weapons of mass destruction, scattered all throughout the world. It would be akin to taking the Social Security data base, pulling out a number at random, and handing Joe From Albuquerque the nuclear football, with no guarantee that Joe isn't crazy, or racist, or an insecure megalomaniac that surrounds himself with anti-scientific morons. It would be madness to hand over the nuclear football to someone like that. And that's exactly the danger that Mutant kind pose to humanity within the Marvel universe. The power of mutants is simply too strong, to immense, to just go unchecked. I would argue that the government in the X-men universe is not acting out of prejudice, but out of necessity, as cruel as that necessity might seem.

However, were I born a mutant in the Marvel Universe, and presented with these three opposing world view, choosing which one to embrace would be easy. Choice one is the government that would seek to enslave and destroy me. That's a non-starter. The second choice is adopting Xavierism, that is if I am nice enough to humanity, humanity will suddenly not fear the fact that I can destroy a city with my mind. That world view is absurdly naive. No, I would join with Magneto, and fight for my survival. It's the only logical thing to do, to do anything else would be marching to my own destruction. Because the conflict between humans and mutants is inevitable and unavoidable, and I want to survive that conflict.

While the X-men fails as a Civil Rights metaphor, it is in that existential conflict between Homo Sapien and Homo Superior, that the X-men actually succeeds as an analogy. Not the civil rights movement, which it presents too simplistically and depends on a fatal false equivalence. No, the X-men is a useful allegory for the brutality of evolution, a demonstration of survival of the fittest. That is, when two species are in the same eco-system, and have the same role within that eco-system, and are fighting for limited resources within that eco-system, those two species are in direct competition and only one species can survive. I would argue the world of The X-men better represents the fight between pre-historic Homo Sapien and Neanderthal, than it does the civil rights movement.

Yet, even then, the Xman is a poor representation of that struggle, because it presents the X-men's world view as heroic, and not fatally naive. That if Charles Xavier's world view is embraced by all of mutantkind, humanity is going to steam roll over them and wipe them all out. Xavier is not viewing the world as it is, but as he wants it to be. He is unwilling to face the hard truths of the world, and instead embraces wish thinking. While his world view is on the surface a beautiful one, it will doom his people. This is why I think the world view that Xavier and the X-men represent is a terrible lesson for the children. That it teaches them not to view the world as it is, but how they want it to be. This sort of wish thinking, of not confronting hard truths, is endangering our country, our government and our world, right now. Our failure to confront scientifically verifiable truths, because we choose not to believe them, is madness. It's better to teach children hard truths, and not sweet lies, and it's better for our government to based on reason, not wish thinking and delusion.

And that is why, as a neutral observer, watching these three world views, I choose to be #TeamMagneto

The reason I side with Magneto, and not government, is the same reason I watch the NBA and not Big 10 basketball: I will always side with exceptional and diverse talent over balanced mediocrity. However, the side I would NEVER take is the side of the X-men, because the X-men are suckers.

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