#and such a surprise audio wise too!

[hypnoneghoul]

absolution live 2017/2023

here I am with my over 1,5k word autistic ramble about the differences between absolution live from 2017 and 2023. at the end there is an audio file of both versions put together, if anyone would be interested in that. it sound very cool heh

also tags for people who showed interest in this: @forest-rot @ghuleh-recs @counting-eyerolls @ngnt-writes @ghnosis @rain-ghoul-appreciator @sister-rosemary-marie

anyway, under the cut

I will start with an analysis of instruments and players separately, one by one, and then I’ll talk about the whole thing a little bit. Also I’m using only ghoul names in there, but when I’m talking about styles and skills I obviously mean the unmasked folks.

Both in 2017 and 2023 we have Mountain on drums, which gives us a very fun comparison opportunity. In 2017 he goes heavy on the cymbals—according to the original version of the song—but it makes the whole thing a bit too crashy and too clogged. The drums are very widely mixed and set—slightly focused on the left side following the stage layout from then—but I think the cymbals could be a bit quieter in comparison to the actual drums, especially the floor tom. In general we can hear how smaller Mountain’s kit was in 2017. In 2023 the entire drum part is sharper and deeper, more bassy and it’s focused more in the middle. The way it feels to me, in 2017 the drums are the background and in 2023 they are the core. Mountain has better fills in 2023, he obviously got more comfortable just jamming in there and having fun over the years.

Dewdrop on bass in 2017; we can hear (or at least I can) that he is not a bassist. He scrapes his pick on the strings a lot which is connected to him being primarily a guitarist—it’s about the picking hand placement and angle. The bass is pretty quiet and it has overdrive on it. It helps conceal his buzzing a little bit, because it happens a fair amount for Dewdrop. Again—bass is not his main instrument. We can also hear exactly when he slams it, like we know he loves doing. In general sometimes he’s quieter and sometimes he’s louder and it’s mostly caused by his picking; how he angles his hand in certain moments and how much strength he puts into it. At the end he goes absolutely feral. Not surprising.

Rain in 2023 is amazing. He’s very skilled, and it’s a huge shame Ghost doesn’t have any songs that could really allow him to show off. He hit his cue a bit too fast at one point, but it might as well be intentional. He’s so much clearer and cleaner, both due to his skills and the settings. Rain has more drop, he most likely has his bass on a different pickup setup than Dewdrop, plus they used different basses—Rain’s with additional mods. One of those mods is a very heavy bridge—Badass Bass—and I bet we can thank that piece for the sustain and note definition in Rain’s playing. In general it flows more, fits into the whole image better. His changes in volume are controlled, not accidental like it happens for Dewdrop. Rain puts more slides, tiny additions and note changes into his live playing, it makes it a bit more lively to me. He’s put perfectly in the middle, nicely blended with the drums.

Unfortunately there isn’t much I can say about Ifrit, Dewdrop, Aether and Phantom mainly because “Absolution” isn’t really a guitar focused song and so it isn't the best song to compare guitar skills, either. The most interesting part—guitar wise—is the solo and little fills on the rhythm now and then.

Ifrit is very precise, I couldn’t hear any mistakes from him, but also the lead is surprisingly quiet in general. His palm muting is on spot, pull-offs and hammer-ons both in the chorus and the solo are very clean and he is simply a pro, he’s got super skills and I wish we could’ve gotten more (</3). He makes the whole song as lively as his stage personality, it sounds flowy but packed with emotions and still so precise it hurts.

Dewdrop’s sound is way better, though he and Ifrit are close skill wise. The difference between Hagstrom Fantomen and Fender Stratocaster is a big one, the main aspect that we can hear is the sharpness of the former and more grounded sound of the latter. Those two guitars also have a very different pickup arrangements—Dew’s strat has SSS (3x single-coils) pickups and he uses the bridge one (which is a Seymour Duncan Hot Rail), and the Fantomen’s has HH (two humbuckers that can be slip, but as far as I’m aware no ghoul used that feature), also with the bridge one used more frequently. In “Absolution” Dewdrop doesn’t add very much—as he does to some other songs—so it’s pretty much the same as the original version. There are small differences that inherently come with his style and that is what makes his version differ from both Ifrit’s and the album's, but it’s all very slight. Dew also makes a very good use of his pedals, mainly wah—especially at the end.

Aether is a bit off tempo in some parts. He plays well, mostly clean, but we can pick out some slight mistakes—mostly sounds that aren’t supposed to be there. His palm muting is a bit too light. He goes heavy on the pick which makes his part of the solo a bit sharp (especially that he’s playing the higher harmony) and square-ish. The sharpness is, again, something we can partially blame on the Fantomen. Only partially because both Ifrit and Phantom prove that it’s manageable. 

Phantom is very clean, he adds a lot of slides which is a feature of his personal style. Said style of his is very lively and fun, to me it sounds and feels like a slinky (don’t laugh at me it’s the autism). He’s more fluid both in the solo and the rest of the song than Aether, but makes one—barely noticeable—mistake in the solo where he misses a note.

Also Phantom and Dewdrop in 2023 are more in sync than Aether and Ifrit in 2017. For whatever reason.

Now keyboard; Zephyr goes absolutely ham on the keys, but it is a piano song so that’s not only understandable, but also desirable, I would say. Key’s are in the right ear with slight migration to the middle when it matters, again according to the stage layout. Their precision and speed and overall skill is insane, the ending when they go wild is the most impressive part, because the song itself doesn’t give many opportunities. If you haven’t seen a video of Zephyr playing that ending you gotta do it now because it really is insane (RIP to that Nord Stage 2 though). The synth fill before the solo in 2017 is played back, in 2023 it’s played live by Cirrus.

In 2023 Cirrus plays the main chorus keyboard part, it can be heard easily on the left side (so once again stage layout accordingly). It’s clean and precise, she’s also very skilled, but unfortunately doesn’t really show off at the end like Zephyr does. Cumulus plays some chords before the solo while Cirrus plays the synth fill.

Vocals are not my thing so I’m only going to say what most of us can hear; Terzo is very nasal, but cleaner, and sings a bit higher. Clear pronunciation, good flow. It’s closest to Tobias’ normal singing voice. Copia is even more nasal, more growly and raspy. They’re both, obviously, in the middle in case of mixing.

Backing vocals in 2017 are all play-back for obvious reasons—pretty simple, taken straight off of the album recording. It’s put on the left, but it could be more favorable in the middle. 2023 is way more spectacular thanks to—mainly—the backing vocals. They are 90% Aurora and Cumulus, with lower levels of Cirrus and barely anything of Swiss. He’s louder by the end. I’m still conflicted about the growls—if it is Swiss or Papa’s play-back—but it’s a great addition that was very mild in 2017’s play-back. The backing vocals are on the sides, accordingly to the stage layout. It all just adds more spice, I adore them.

Sound engineering and mixing is so much better in 2023. We can easily tie it to the budget (though I’d like to “blame” it on Hayden’s part in the engineering, he’s a mastermind, too). The sound is much clearer and fluid than in 2017, it highlights all the instruments perfectly at the same time. Mixing in 2017 is more blunt, it’s a bit duller and some changes in volumes and placements of instruments could—or even should—be made. It doesn’t mean 2017 sucks—far from it—it’s just a technical difference which actually warms my heart if we look at how far has Ghost come. So, once again, considering the budget in 2017 vs. 2023 it’s all understandable. Also the crowd sound control in 2023 is very fun; it makes a great use of all the yelling causing the whole song to sound warmer and fuller.

Both 2017 and 2023 are on the exact same tempo, they can be put over each other perfectly (which I did). They slide apart at the end and the break before the outro is longer in 2023. The 2023 outro itself is pretty boring in comparison to 2017, most likely because in 2023 it’s not a closing song. Below there’s both “Absolutions” over each other; 2023 in the left and 2017 in the right headphone.

#the band ghost #nameless ghouls #hypnone gear talks #mountain ghoul #rain ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #ifrit ghoul #aether ghoul #phantom ghoul #cirrus ghoulette #aurora ghoulette #cumulus ghoulette #papa emeritus iv #papa emeritus iii #zephyr ghoul

[motherofdragonflies]

The Elevator Game: A Choose Your Own Adventure Fic

Written by: @motherofdragonflies / bexgowen

Art by: @xfancyfranart

Rating: Explicit

Word count: 95,000

Tags/Warnings: Major Character Death, Choose Your Own Adventure Style, Psychological Horror, Canon Divergent, Post 15x03, Case Fic

Summary: 

The game is simple.

Get in an elevator, alone, and follow the rules. If you follow them correctly, the elevator will rise and when the doors open, they will open onto a world that is not your own.

When his brother goes missing after investigating the death of a teenage girl in a hotel in St. Louis, Dean Winchester is dismayed to discover it involved an internet legend called “the Elevator Game”.

He’s even more dismayed when Castiel—who walked away weeks ago and hasn’t been returning Dean’s calls—shows up, also looking for Sam.

Dean doesn’t want to work with Castiel, and Castiel doesn’t seem thrilled about working with him, either. Can they put their differences aside when  they discover that Sam disappeared after playing the Elevator Game? Will Dean and Castiel play the elevator game and travel to the Other World themselves? Will they find Sam before it's too late? 

The choice, dear reader, is yours. You are in control of the story.

But choose wisely, for once you play the Elevator Game, things may never be the same again.

Excerpt:

“Where did Ali hear about the game?” Sam’s voice asked. 

“She, uh, she loved scary stuff. Horror movies, urban legends, that kinda thing. I think she found it on reddit, in one of those scary story subreddits? I don’t know, I don’t…I don’t like that kind of thing. But, um, she was always talking about wanting to try it but you need a tall building and we’d never been anywhere anyway tall enough until…”

“Until that night. Did you tell the police?”

Lilah scoffed. “I told them. They didn’t believe me.”

“Lilah…what do you think happened?”

“I... I think…I think it worked.”

The audio file ended, and Dean sorted through the rest of the papers from the envelope Lilah had given him. The first page was a print out from a true crime subreddit: Dean recognised it as one that Sam checked constantly. His brother had highlighted a post on the page, one consisting of a single line that was posted four days after Alison and the others had disappeared:

Ali Bleaker played the elevator game.

Frowning, Dean turned to the next page and found that it was an article from a website called “The Ghost In My Machine”, titled “The Most Dangerous Games: The Elevator Game Revisited.”

Dean snorted at the title but read on:

"Some people know it as ‘Elevator To Another World’. For others, it’s the ‘Elevator to Hell’... But no matter the name, this peculiar…game, I suppose—although there’s nothing playful about it—it always said to have the same outcome, as long as you follow its rules to a T: By riding an elevator alone, visiting a handful of floors in a particular order as you go, you can transport yourself to another world entirely."

Dean stared at the words on the page.

Another world.

“Jesus, Sam, tell me you didn’t.”

Once upon a time, Dean might have dismissed the claim of ‘another world’ as something out of a science fiction story. But having visited several other worlds, Dean knew that alternate realities, multiverses—whatever you wanted to call them— were real. He doubted that something as simple as riding an elevator could take you to another world, but the idea wasn’t as far-fetched as he once would have believed it to be.

Snatching up his computer, Dean quickly pulled up the phone tracking site that he’d bookmarked and searched for the location of Sam’s phone. 

He was not at all surprised when the map showed Sam’s phone was at The Millennium Hotel, where Alison Bleaker had died.

Going up at @deancashorrorfest this October!

#deancashorrofest #destiel #horror #choose your own adventure #fic promo

[c-t-r-l14]

Dontis Is Written So Amazingly Well.

It wasn’t a surprise when I found out he killed people. It was implied in the first episode we’ve seen him in that he did some things that he wasn’t proud of; and in the second episode, he even told the hunter that it was a shame he couldn’t get drunk, because there was some things things that he’d rather forget; even if it was for a little while. Him killing people in order to survive didn’t make him a bad person—and when you live a life as a being like Dontis or Xanthus—you will eventually get into situations where killing to survive or dying at the hands of your enemies will bring you an ultimatum.

What surprised me was that Dontis wasn’t always this wise and gentle.

Before this audio, I thought that he’d only kill out of necessity—that he’d exhaust all his other options first before he’d think about taking another person’s life. I thought that he’d always tried to help people out, make sure to protect the innocent when needed, and try to understand all the sides before he passes judgement onto other people. But that was never the case.

Dontis was once cruel. He had betrayed innocent people. Dontis was once selfish. He put other people in harms way so he could be able to live another day. He trusted no one, and was wary of the world. He wasn’t filled with faith, nor optimism, nor empathy, nor understanding.

He was not filled with love.

He did these things because in a world full of humans and supernaturals—one of them will try their hardest to be on top of the food chain. In this world, the strong survive, and the weak perish. In this world, it is kill or be killed. And as far as Dontis knew, there was no room for kindness or trust.

One of the things I really loved about this audio was that we were indirectly shown Dontis’ thought process when it came to him forgiving hunter listener for everything they have done. Before, he’d preach about how “all someone needs is a helping hand,” and, “sometimes, a little kindness goes a long way,” and while I do I agree with sentiment, I still couldn’t wrap my head around how exactly Dontis could be so forgiving to the people who had wronged him so badly. And now, because of this audio, I finally get it.

Dontis was in their place once, too.

He knows what it’s like to be filled with hate and spite; to drown in it and have it consume you—and rule your life. He knows what it’s like to take a life; he’s done horrible things too. The reason why he’s so forgiving is simply because he’s probably experienced what they’ve went through, too. And he feels like he can’t judge people because that’d simply make him a hypocrite—because he has done bad things, too. He had made terrible choices. Choices he will have to live with. Choices he will regret for the rest of his life. And when Dontis gives advice or comforts others, I get the strong feeling that he is trying to be the companion he wished he had during those first few decades of his life.

Another thing I really loved about this audio was how it showed that Hunter listener and Dontis are parallels of each other. Dontis was young, and full of spite and wariness. When he had met that Turkish woman, he really thought that she was going to be just like all the rest of the humans he’d met before her. He thought that she wouldn’t hesitate to sell him out if it meant saving her life—or that she’d use and abuse him, but that was never the case. She simply needed love. She simply wanted company. This woman single handedly showed Dontis that not every single human he was going to meet would bad person. And as ironic as it sounds, her actions made Dontis gain some humanity of his own.

When hunter listener finally caught and trapped Dontis, they were just like him when he was younger. They hated supernatural beings and killed them before even getting a chance to know them—simply because they knew WHAT they were without getting to know WHO they were. But, in a strange turn of events, it was Dontis who made them realize the truth. It was Dontis who helped them forget their pain for a little while; Dontis, who gave them a second chance at living a good life—free from all the violence and acts of terror they have committed. And it was Dontis who have given them a different perspective on the beings they have once despised and condemned.

The lady is to Dontis as Dontis is to the hunter.

I feel like Dontis’ story—all of the struggles, pain, and suffering he has went through in order to become the beautiful, loving, caring person he is today, really reminds people that compassion and empathy aren’t things you are born with; nor is hatred and spite. Those behaviors are learned and taught. And I have totally forgotten that—because up until today, I’ve only gotten to see the type of person Dontis has become, and never thought about the type of person he once was.

Saku’s mind—his ability to write characters with so much depth and development—is absolutely insane. And honestly, this audio makes me love and appreciate Dontis even more than before.

Masterlist

#zsakuva #sakuverse #dontis zsakuva #dontis my beloved #dontis #Yes this is a rant #I just had to get this off my chest because holy shit #Saku is an absolute generous bro omg

[malrido]

Ok since you're a fellow malrido shipper, I must know all your headcanons

I GOT YOU. Some of these are character headcanons but can be used ship wise- Also I am a roleplayer and roleplay them with my friend so I may include little story things from those. Gonna put everything past keep reading because i might have gone overboard (I love them so dearly)

-Malleus calls Riddle his rose, his queen, or his treasure. He mainly uses the first two- the second one being used more to tease him.

-Speaking of teasing- Malleus loves teasing Riddle. Fae in general are already mischievous and Malleus is no different. You even see him teasing Riddle during his birthday jacket card with the whole "I'd bring you with me~" to the deserted island thing.

-Malleus "purrs". There are sound bites i've heard of "dragons" basically creating a rumbling noise with their chest (Malleus denies that its purring). Riddle thinks its nice and has used it to fall asleep before. Audio clip from youtube below.

-Later on they end up having two kids. both girls- Rosemary and Morgan (based on Morgan le Fey). I've created picrews of them that I'll add below.

-Malleus is whipped. He is down so bad for Riddle... most of the time he will listen to what Riddle says and do whatever he asks. He's also offered to smite multiple people for Riddle

-Malleus wants to KILL Riddle's mom. Like... not exaggerating. It's a point of contention between them. Obviously Riddle doesn't want his mother to die- but Malleus thinks she's slighted him and almost gotten Riddle to break up with him one too many times and needs to go.

-Riddle loves being wrapped up in Malleus' tail. It makes him feel safe and also its nice and warm. He can almost instantly fall asleep as soon as Malleus puts his tail over Riddle.

-Malleus is VERY over protective. To points that have gotten them into arguments. Riddle is terrified of being controlled like he was by his mother again- while Malleus is terrified of Riddle leaving him, getting hurt, or dying.

-Sometimes Malleus just teleports into Heartslabyul, scoops Riddle up, and walks off towards Riddle's room or Diasomnia. Doesn't matter if Riddle is busy- he needs his rose. A great way to piss Riddle off sometimes- but he will stop when scolded. Malleus absolutely gets whiny (he will deny it) but will always listen to his queen.

-During Malleus' 4th year he just teleports back when hes not busy to be with Riddle. Even if Riddle is studying he just likes being in the room or holding Riddle in his lap. This also helps with Riddle's stress- as Trey and Cater would be gone so he doesn't exactly have somebody to ground him.

-Riddle is convinced Malleus is cursed and thats why every invite somehow falls through or goes wrong or forgotten. Afterall Riddle prides himself on memory and timing. Malleus still says its impossible for him to have been cursed.

-I... do have nsfw headcanons with them that I will not get into but if you're 18+ feel free to dm me if you're curious lmao

-Malleus is glad he mostly hides his tail because every time its out and he sees Riddle it starts thumping against the ground. He has almost broken his own bed frame when he was just sitting and reading with his tail out then Riddle paid him a surprise visit. As soon as Riddle walked into the room his tail starting thumping and cracked the bed frame

-Malleus has memorized all 810 rules of the queen of hearts before they were even dating. It was when he was interested in Riddle and wanted to do something that would make him happy.

It's almost 1 am so I'm going to stop there but I may add to this post honestly... Also if you have any questions about scenarios I will be happy to tell you my answer- also just what you think about all of these in general!

#malrido #malleus x riddle #riddle x malleus #dove talks #twst ship headcanons #malleus and riddle my beloved #I have SO MUCH to say about them #they give me brain rot <3 #malleus draconia #riddle rosehearts

[collectivecloseness]

What’s More Important

Kurt Kunkle x reader

(Summary: Kurt’s fans can be toxic bullies half the time, and when it becomes too much for you and you pull away from his content, Kurt doesn’t understand. He especially doesn’t understand why the two of you have to argue. Notes: reuploaded from my ao3. Arguing, hurt/comfort, angst. F!reader. 10.4k.)

“Kurt please, I don’t wanna talk about this again.” You begged your boyfriend, you’d practically been pleading the entire ride home from work. And here you were, on the staircase to your apartment, still squandering with Kurt as you tried desperately for him to put the camera down.

“Y/n this is good content!” Kurt tried to get you to realise, his camera was mostly on his face, had been since he’d parked his car outside your building, but he was still capturing everything audio wise like a soldier. It wasn’t always to his benefit though.

“What? Us fighting?”

“We’re not fighting.” Kurt told you, a tired look coming across his face along with a concerned furrow of his brows.

You tried to pacify him. You knew he hated fighting, especially from what he’d told you about his parents, and the last time you’d raised his voice near him, even though it was to the asshole over his shoulder who was making a very rude gesture at him, he’d frozen in place and had to have your arm around his shoulders the whole mute way home to avoid any tears slipping.

You sighed, more tired than he was, he was always so energetic for his ‘fans’. Ever since the video of your first kiss took off. It was also the start of your problems. The start of people nitpicking at your every move. “I know we’re not sweetheart, but can you please, for the umpteenth time, turn that stupid camera off?”

You knew he wouldn’t. And the defiant protective grip of his phone just made a bubble of anger fuel in your chest. He gave a long worried look to his machine, to his fans, ‘what would his fans think?’ you mocked his thoughts. Sometimes you could get really sick of his antics, he was just so... stubborn!

“Fine.” You jolted your keys in your door, Kurt tapping twice on his screen to flip his camera to your front door, you were surprised he hadn’t accidentally doxxed you yet. “No cameras in my home though.” With that you closed the door on his surprised face, just leaning against your wall for support as you rubbed your fists achingly into your eyes. In the dark myriad of shapes and colours all you saw were those comments though. Instagram, youtube, tiktok, twitch you name it. On every platform people had called out how annoying, or ugly, or stupid, or unfunny, or just downright pathetic you were. And whether they were comments left on moments long past, or live bleating words to the public as you walked into a restaurant with your boyfriend and his device, not ever did Kurt really tell his fans to shut the fuck up.

Sure he’d bitten back a little. At your first really crude comment, he’d raised his hand a little to the camera, before bouncing it back on his steering wheel. “H-hey guys th-not cool. This-we’re a place of love here.”

The most you’d ever gotten was a “please tone it down respectfully in the chat.” Or a grumble of how he’d have to get mods some time soon as he turned left. And sure you didn’t expect him to just turn on his entire fan base, but not once had he yelled at them that they were crossing a line, or that they were wrong.

Worst of all it seemed he’d begun calling them out less and less. Not that you wanted the attention of course, and you knew Kurt had a knack of getting it, when he wanted to (which was usually most of the time) and sometimes even when he didn’t, you’d had to practically ban Kurt from his YouTube account one day when he kept responding to someone who you had to convince him was a troll just trying to rile him up. But Kurt had seemed to have gotten used to the ‘ocassional’ badmouthing of you. Not you though. He was constantly in the internet’s eye, and you’d been in his content less and less, not even posting yourself really any more, so maybe he didn’t see it as much, but you thought the amount of hate you got was drowning, and ever constant. Not that he seemed to notice. You banged the back of your head against your wall. Or care.

“Y/n? Please let me in? My-the stream’s over okay?”

You sucked the air harshly through your teeth, twisting to grip your hand against the doorknob. “I swear to God if there’s a camera in my face when I open this door.” But luckily there wasn’t. Just Kurt, stuffing his phone back into a green jacket pocket, and shrugging into his shoulders defensively. “Can I come in now?” His sad gamer boy eyes met yours and you knew he didn’t want you to kick him out. Kick him away.

You nodded satisfied. Moving back to allow your boyfriend into your apartment, both of you quickly heading to your room where you usually hung out. Neither of you sat though.

“Chat missed you today.” Kurt mumbled, pivoting unsurely on his feet.

“Oh really?” You remarked, trying to hide a scoff and sound as if you were actually interested. You highly doubted that. Kurt didn’t seem to pick anything up anyhow.

“Yeah. They kept asking ‘where’s your girlfriend?’ and ‘we wanna see y/n’ before I picked you up.” Kurt nodded, finally looking at you again since he’d been allowed inside. “How was work baby?” He stepped forward with the tired look you gave in response, loosely hanging his arms around your shoulders before pressing a sweet kiss to the top of your head.

You nudged your temple to his chest, sighing as you held onto his hip and held him back. “It just sucked Kurt.” You nuzzled into him a bit more and felt him kissing you again “I’ve had a bit of a shitty day.” You didn’t feel like adding on top of that that his livestream was part of the reason it was so shitty, not when he was here to make it better now.

Kurt removed his head at that, peering down at you with that lulled smile. “I have a-know what will cheer you up!” You couldn’t help but smile back, still in his embrace. You’d been hoping the two of you could do something again!! You’d both been busy, with Kurts spree, and your work, and Kurts filming, and you trying to avoid his filming.

You moved out of his arms but only to hold his hand, and he looked down at it, the apples of his cheeks blossoming. “I’ve got a new prank set up! And, well, I know you know it’s a prank n-now, but you don’t know what it is so-“

“Oh my god, Kurt.” For once you thought he had something in mind to do with you that wasn’t just a scene to be recorded. You shook his hand in yours, in an annoyed desperation, before seeing his irritated face. So you dropped him. “Can we not have one moment that’s ruled by your stupid social media?”

A terse silence followed that sentence. Both of you were standing further apart now, but neither of you moved, just looking each other in the eye as if you were waiting for tension to fill the room before speaking.

“It’s not stupid.” Kurt prodded first.

You bit back a grunt, some weird sound being made instead. “Yeah well can we just have a moment alone? Please?” Your eyes widened vulnerably towards his, taking one step closer. “Or we can like go to the movies or something! Or hang out with some of my friends?” You would genuinely be so happy to just relax and do any of that. Even have Kurt offer something!

“Your friends?” Kurt scoffed with an amused smile. “Your friends don’t even like me!” His snapping matched the ticked off expression he wore instead now.

“They do too!” You fought back.

“They never post me on their socials!” Kurt offered, seeing that as irrefutable proof. He knew people sometimes didn’t like him. He didn’t always know why, especially when he really tried. He didn’t think your friends were being very sneaky about it however. He knew what he knew. Most people were rude to him. Not you though.

“Kurt it’s because you constantly badger them about it!” You whined honestly. You wouldn’t go so far as to say it was embarrassing, you loved Kurt for who he was, but you at least wish he got the vibes, or toned it down a little sometimes. “Maybe they’d want to if you just cooled it!”

Kurt just looked at you. His expression was overtly unreadable. Although you could trick yourself into thinking his nostrils were flaring just a little more than before. Sometimes it freaked you out that when someone argued with Kurt, he’d just stand there with such a neutral look, when you knew he must be feeling a whole lot of something in there. Somehow, and you never thought it’d be true, but someone like Kurt hiding their anger made him seem more scary than if he was yelling, not that you’d ever seen him properly do that either. You probably would’ve got a better look at him, considering how deadly silent Kurt was being as he urged you to continue, if you hadn’t wiped your hands down your face in stress. “Or maybe they’d want to if they didn’t know your fan base was so toxic.”

“That’s because you’re telling them that!” Kurt moped, in a louder voice than usual.

“Are you saying I’m lying!?” You asked. Did he really not think that? By this point?! That you were just exaggerating all this for attention?

“No but!- Ughhhh- I justmmmmm... Why are we fighting!?” Kurt finally ended his sentence. Taking a long, shaky breath, before his eyes grew softer on yours. “I don’t wanna fight with you y/n.”

“I don’t either!” Your voice hadn’t quite gone down back to a normal volume, you took a second to breathe and make it so. Your eyes were stinging but there were no tears. Yet. “I don’t, I love you Kurt.”

Kurt’s heart flipped. He always needed you to say that. Especially after your first fight. The word ‘fight’ made it feel like someone was punching his head even thinking it, when to do with you. He sniffed, saying “I love you too” quietly back.

You were unsure about hugging him first. Scared of him pulling away, of the fact that he seemed to confirm over and over again for you, that he cared about his audience more than he ever could about you. Although part of you, that part of you that was melting under his gaze right now, still didn’t want to believe that. “I don’t wanna fight either.” You lamented truthfully. “But please, can we be normal?”

“I am normal!”

You cringed immediately. You knew that was a sensitive point for him, and even though that wasn’t your intention, to call him abnormal, you’d kind of forgotten in the heat of the moment about that word, during this maybe over, but still extant, fight. You apologised quickly but calmly. “Of course that isn’t what I meant.”

Kurt nodded. He knew it.

But now neither of you knew what to say. Both still heated, both hurt but not letting the other know all too well. And letting Kurts mind wander when emotional like this was not good for anyone. “Bet you let your friends post you on their socials...”

“Oh my god Kurt. This again? I thought it was bad enough I had to put up with you spree streaming me?” You fully scoffed at this point, in disbelief this argument was still going on.

“Pu- put up with?” Kurt asked accusingly. Then he shook his head, as he changed his mind. “Y/n I just wanna post some pics with my girlfriend! Isn’t that the most normal thing in the world?” You hadn’t even let him upload a picture of the two of you in a month. On any platform! You didn’t even let him take pics of you anymore at all. Yesterday throwing a pillow at him until he deleted the one of you eating Chinese on his lap, because you thought he’d post it.

He missed having pictures of you on his phone...

“Not when the comments are all telling you how horrible your girlfriend is!” You were getting angry about it again, you could feel how hot your skin was getting but this time your anger was around Kurt. You’d told him about it before, and he always said something along the lines of “nah, you’re perfect babe. From head to toe.” But he’d never actually done enough to be productive about it. Not when he was too busy trying to be productive on his channels.

“It’s like you don’t even exist y/n!” Kurt aired his hands up and down your body, slapping a hand to his head with a deep breath. “Because you’re never online anymore! You’re not even documented by me!”

“That’s bullshit.” You rolled your head and Kurt grunted under his muffled lip sucking. “Stop making me sound like a future serial killer victim! I don’t need to be ‘documented’ for everyone to see Kurt.” That just made Kurt huff loudly, groaning to himself. It felt as if the stress was pounding at his head from the inside, harming him to come out. “It’s like we’re not even together!”

Now that fucking hurt. That twisted the knife inside your chest, and made it feel like it was falling to the pit of your stomach.

You couldn’t even think of a response. But your body, in trying to protect your brain, overtook that problem for you, as you gave your boyfriend a very flippant, but appalled, “fuck off!”

“No you! Do so!!” Kurt turned away from you, grumbling to himself as you just let your heart pound away. He spun around quick enough though.

“You don’t understand me!”

“I try to Kurt! I’ve always tried!”

“NO! Nobody does!” Kurt took a shaky sigh as he tried to control his volume. You noticed first that his fists were shaking, but soon realised it was his entire body, sleeves and torso hidden by his green jacket.

“I’m getting bullied online now y/n.” His eyes met yours again and you did feel bad for him, even though all half his fans seemed to do was bully him no matter what he did. “Everyone’s calling me an incel vi-loser a-again. They’re saying that I made you up-o-or that you-“ he took a deep breath “y-we broke up.”

You didn’t like that he was being hurt by trolls, even if his harassment from them and his familiarity with it was different than yours, but you were still angry though. With a heavy sigh, you rubbed your arm to your elbow. “Just ignore them.” You spoke lowly.

“What, like you do?”

You looked to Kurt at that. You couldn’t tell if he was being spiteful or mocking you, or genuinely trying to tell you something. But it didn’t matter. Kurt didn’t get it, he couldn’t. He was actually good enough. And he didn’t give a shit about you. You knew that well enough now. And with all your wasted time and love on him, with the love you still fully had for him and it hurt to keep, you finally saw red. Kurt didn’t care about you, he wasn’t trying to prove it with the trolls when they didn’t like you, and maybe he never had cared about you. Maybe you were as dumb as they all said, and maybe that’s why he never defended you.

“Well if that’s all you want, a girlfriend who you can post on your socials, and do couple challenges with, then maybe we shouldn’t be together!”

Kurts heart sunk to his stomach.

“You clearly don’t love me you just want a girlfriend to post! A trophy.”

“That’s not TRUE!!!” Kurt yelled, crying now. His throat sounded raw as he screamed, and you were sure the sobbing he was now heartily doing was just making it feel worse. Kurt couldn’t help but just stand there, eyes red and puffy and leaking, snot dripping out of his pink nose, fringe itching at his eyes, as he scratched at it with his sleeve and choked on sobs and spit, whining loudly. He was like a lost child, unsure what to do next, but so full of emotions right now. You knew he didn’t know how to handle them best most days, and he was sensitive. His emotional immaturity wasn’t helping with this though, to you it ensured that he really wouldn’t be able to get what you were going through right now. Sometimes he listened but he had this glassy look in his eyes like he didn’t understand. You couldn’t really see his eyes now because he had them screwed shut as he was murmuring sobs to the ceiling.

“I don’t want someone to post I waNT YOU!!!!!”

Kurt yelled the last word with anger. You froze.

But even so, it had made you freeze for a different reason.

You weren’t scared of Kurt. His whole body shuddered with breaths as he stood with hunched shoulders, towering over you looking taller than he ever had done before. Remembering how strong he actually was under his normal goofy look, when his hands would grasp your biceps when you asked him to take control in the bedroom. But the way he screamed that just made you realise the truth. His truth. Your truth.

Oh God. You were so wrong.

Kurt was still crying his fucking eyes out. He was bawling to your roof, blue shirt covered in wet tear patches, sleeve slick with spit, as his throat coughed out cries, hands twitching at his sides where his arms limply hung, as if he had no idea whether to reach out to you, hug himself, or hit his head, as you’d sadly seen him do a couple of times. He was sad, and confused, angry, grief-stricken, and so so scared.

Those assholes had gotten to you way more than they bargained. It’d gotten to you, and gotten to your relationship. Gotten to Kurt.

And that’s something you never wanted to happen. At first you were trying to protect him, but maybe you should have let him protect you.

Maybe you should’ve believed just how much he loved you. Because you loved him, that much. And you knew looking at him the way he was in front of you, there was not an ounce of this spree driver who didn’t fucking worship you.

“Oh... Kurt.” Your voice sounded so small. You didn’t mean to sound so small. After what felt like hours without touch between you two, you reached out your hand, to hold him.

Kurt flinched back. And your heart fucking shattered.

He cried again, eyeing your hand with such a mix of emotions as he stayed in that leant position. Just whimpering more before his body forced a choke out of him as he stared at it.

You knew he wasn’t scared of you. And you knew he wasn’t mad. You knew it. He was just so nervous. You’d make sure he knew to never worry about the two of you holding each other again.

You moved between that space quickly and threw your arms around him, crying so loud it matched his, as he hugged you back before your chests had even pressed together. You gripped his back like you were going to fall through the floor at any second without him. And he clutched your waist as if you’d run away from him any time now. You just held onto your Kurt, and let him know you were his back, as you let him completely engross you.

Kurt, now he’d finally gotten you back into his arms, just held you tight. So much it hurt.

“Please don’t leave me. Pl-oh... please please please don’t aba-leave me. Ca-y-you can’t. You have to stay with me. Please. Please don’t go away y/n...”

“K-Kurt...” you tried gently to push at his chest. He was firm. “You’re kinda hurting me.”

It was genuinely as if he didn’t hear you. Kurt only buried his trembling head into your shoulder, tears, snot, spit and all. “Don’t-you c-can’t-I can’t do-no-y-you stay-you-“ he blabbered, every muscle in his body squeezing you tighter “Please.”

That last one was a broken whisper, his voice didn’t even speak the latter half of the syllable, and you couldn’t bear the thought of Kurt feeling as broken as his plea sounded. You hugged him back as tight as you could, squeezing his middle until your tummy’s applied so much pressure it made you feel sick, or maybe it was the thought of losing Kurt. You could feel his teeth against your neck as he opened his mouth to choke and splutter, crying instead of speaking as he meant to. A few wracked sobs needing to escape his chest before he could even talk. “I need you.”

You opened up, honestly. “I need you too Kurt.”

”ohh...” A tiny muffled whimper escaped him at that, nuzzling into your neck as if he could tuck himself away inside you, as if he couldn’t get close enough. You couldn’t tell if he was trying to comfort himself, or you. “I love you so so much.” You promised him yet again.

Kurt reared his head back, finally not squeezing painfully, but definitely nowhere near letting you go. Eyes squinting as if it was painful to open them, but desperate to see your figure, as he flitted his brown and reddening orbs up and down your features. Hands rubbing up and down your back. “I- mmmh... I love y-y-you too, y/n.”

“Kurt I love you-“

Kurt interrupted you, still dazed “Mmmmfhso much...” His eyes were glued stickily shut by tears, fatigued looking, head retaking its domain over your neck. He was almost purring into it, as Kurt stayed safe in his little dreamland, nuzzling into the crook of your neck and your shoulders, where it was safe, and warm, and dark, and he could still smell you.

But with all this snuggling and search through your skin, you had to push back his head, because his slightly greasy hair was tickling you too much. You simply held your palm to his temple as you removed him just a couple of inches, gently flicking his fringe away with your soothing fingers, knowing he always liked when you touched his hair. “And I promise I’m not going to leave.”

Fog began to lift from Kurts eyes, as he finally was able to take in your face, you, with him, and he saw you were crying too. With a lick of his lips, ridding them of the salty taste he was quickly gaining, more tears fell down his cheeks silently and quickly at those words.

He needed to hear them every second of every day. He wanted to replay them over and over. He kissed you right there and then, begging you “please” as he slotted his warm lips against yours with a wet noise, breathing messily into your mouth “say it again.” He needed to devour your words.

“I-mmfh!” He barely let you speak, too busy trying to suck on your upper lip, but he stopped his tongue from entering as he turned down the strength of his kiss, only softly brushing against your warmth instead of attacking it with need, even though his movements had been pretty slow, lips still touching yours but spacing back a little, to hear you talk. “I promise I’m never going to leave you Kurt my love.”

Kurt kissed you more. His lips hard and bruising again against yours, but teeth nibbling so delicately at your plump flesh, tongue bracing your mouth as he tasted every inch of you, fingers digging almost painfully into your skull as he pressed your face closer and closer to him, until his cheek was like sandpaper against your nose.

“Kur’?”

Kurt just whined into you, even though you didn’t have enough room to finish his name. He nipped only lovingly at your tongue, saliva generously swapping from him to you as he sloppily kissed with louder and louder sounds. He needed every sense filled with your kisses. Your love. Wanting all of your senses filled with him too.

“Kurt-“ you finally were able to pull him off you with a touch to his soft tummy, hand slipping just under his shirt, and you pulled back with a thick trail of spit between your lips. One Kurt sweetly pecked off. His lower face red raw, and covered in spit. It seemed he’d forgotten you’d pulled away for a reason though, because once his eyes were on your lips again, he was leaning back in with a need like a dying man for water.

You gently scratched at the skin of his belly, putting the hand that was on his lower back to his chest and Kurts eyes met yours as if the wires in his head were connecting yet again. It was like you could see his brain reworking through his eyes. Luckily he nodded and you sighed, with the newfound ability to breathe again the way Kurt was drinking you. You didn’t think you had long though before he was pressed against your face once more. You always knew Kurt was needy, and right now his hands were itching against your lower back, he spoke of how badly they tingled when he got like that. “Kurt let’s just talk for a second first? Please?”

“About what?” Kurts eyes widened as he took a step back, but instinctively drew your body closer at the same time. You could hear the fear in his voice and quickly finished your sentence, soothingly rubbing patterns up his skin and shirt. “I just wanna make sure you know I’m not mad. I wanna talk about why I was upset... so we can work things out, before the kissing and stuff. Can we just talk for a second first? It would really make me feel good Kurtie.”

Knowing you weren’t mad at him, and you weren’t going to leave, Kurt hummed, which you knew from your time with him was his tired but ‘yes’ sound. The praise helped him a little too. He gently led you to your bed, surprising you that he was the first to move, as he stroked your hand lovingly in his while he took you. Letting you sit down first before he sat on your lap. Clearly needing to remain close.

You couldn’t help but bite a smile at this. Kurt was so goddamned adorable and he hardly ever knew it. You swore once to tell him every time he was so, and you couldn’t believe you’d nearly broken that promise by going. Knowing it wasn’t exactly the time, you simply sweetly pressed a kiss to his mess of hair, enjoying the pleased but surprised gasp/groan that you got from him, as he settled in happily playing with your fingers. You let him keep your hands, as he rested his cheek to your heartbeat, now wanting to just know, like earlier, why you were so upset.

You held onto him dearly. Kurt had quickly swept up your entire life and become your everything. You didn’t know if it was entirely healthy, but you had Kurt, and he had you, and it was more than you’d ever had before. Someone who actually wanted you- Kurt brought your hands to his face and inhaled deeply- maybe even needed you, despite what certain commenters may have said, or made you feel. And you needed him just as much. Remembering those harsh words though caused you to shuffle your legs in unease, a cue for once, not unnoticed by Kurt, as he wiggled his butt slightly, back.

Your thumb tapped Kurts knuckle in thought, as you sighed. Trying to think of a way you could speak without hurting yourself more, and that would help Kurt understand, especially in such a fragile state the both of you were in. “It’s hard to start talking, just gimme a moment.” Is what you ended up with. And you nosed his temple at his patience, letting him know with a smile “you always help make me feel better. A minute with you and I’ll be ready sweetheart. I’m sorry it’s taken this long.” ‘And that we had to go such an awful way about it’ you thought. The memory of your fight only just passed making your chest tighten. You hated the things you said now knowing how confused he must’ve been when you said them to him. You held onto Kurt more closely, understanding his reaction earlier.

“How do I make the sadness go away y/n?”

Your urge to settle and coo over him immediately swamped you, but you tried to bite back any pouting or worried looks, heart aching over his innocently asked question. You swept your hands over Kurts hair mollifyingly, moving it out of his face as you tried to make him look at you while stroking him. “Why? Do you still feel sad baby?” Your other thumb rubbed his shoulder gently, head angled to look down at your boyfriend with careful gentle eyes.

Kurt shook his head, nestling hismelf into your shoulder more, but it was easier to look up into your eyes this way. “No. Your sadness.”

Your heart froze at this, in fact you felt your whole body constrict in the most minute way, lips tight as a noise, as if once a possible word, caught in your throat. Before your chest quickly reverted back to it’s normal exhausted pace of tonight. Hugging his shoulders closer as your urge to protect the love of your life only grew stronger. The reality of how much you loved Kurt, and realising once again, but more than ever before, how much Kurt loved you, in his very Kurt way, washed over you, and you gently rocked Kurt in your arms as your body tried to calm itself, pressing many tender kisses to his hair as you tried to hide the flooding of your eyes.

Kurt just sat there open eyed, as he paid extra attention to your comforting kisses, and kept playing with your warm fingers.

How could he make that sadness leave you alone?

“Kurt- I...”

Kurt wiggled more so he was looking directly at you now. He wanted to understand.

“It’s just... I don’t think I can take it anymore Kurt...” You looked up at him finally revealing that core truth. And you burst into tears as soon as the words left you mouth. Your hand came shakily up to your lips as you sobbed, as if your body hated what you were saying. Kurt only held you warmly, tucking your hair behind your shoulder so he could see your lips more, so he could see you talking. His fingertips graced your wrist, as if to pull it away from your face, but you guessed he decided against it, instead rubbing the back of his hand gently against your own, encouraging you to drop it whenever you were ready.

You took in a deep breath as you fell into his touch, wiping away the tears down yoru face once before placing your hands onto your knees again. And since Kurt was in your lap, it was easy for him to reach around and grab them, not playing with them this time, but simply cupping them in his own.

“E-Everyone’s so mean to me. And I know that sounds stupid but it’s true, it really does hurt after a while.” You felt embarrassed, but Kurt was just looking at you openly, with those big dumb loveable eyes. You couldn’t help but kiss them, his eyelids at least, and the way he squirmed and giggled at the light touch even made you smile during your confession. At least before a larger sniff overtook your features. “But, like, every single post, no matter what, for literally months now, there’s been so many comments, so many people, just hating me. Saying every single thing that’s- that’s wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you y/n.” Kurt quickly interrupted.

It almost surprised you how surely he spoke. And that unwavering look in his eyes was confident, which you hardly ever saw your boyfriend. Your rapid blinking matched your heartbeat. “Y-yeah. Thank you. Thank you Kurt.” You rested one hand on his forearm, closing your eyes in tranquility as he pressed his warm cheek to the side of your head. “Well anyway, it was just really, really, getting to me I suppose. Especially when...”

You cringed, hating that you started that sentence, looking to to Kurt almost as if to see if he’d heard it. But Kurt simply nudged himself against you once, urging you to continue.

You took a shaky breath, part of you still angry, still confused and upset at his actions, part of you hating what you were gonna do to him next. “When you wouldn’t even defend me Kurt.”

You felt Kurt suddenly stiffen in his hold. He didn’t let go, but it wasn’t excatly comfortable either. You wriggled a little, more so because your skin felt bad rather than his grasp. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t-“

“Y/n, tell me. Please.”

You couldn’t meet his eyes. Looking down into your mixed laps meekly. But his voice sounded earnest, if not strained. You whined, it hurt your chest, it made you feel like you were going to be sick, even if Kurt had, lightly, taken back up his petting of you. “You just wouldn’t say anything! Ever! No matter what people said you didn’t- you didn’t ban them! You didn’t ask nicely for them to quit it, you didn’t yell at them.” You spluttered a messy laugh “Jesus! I thought you might’ve even made a viral video with a stupid clickbaity title to get everyone to stop harassing your girlfriend! At least that’d get on the tea podcasts!” You couldn’t tell if you were panting or hyperventilating, but you didn’t care. ”You didn’t care Kurt. Or at least, that’s how it felt. You would causally say a thing or two if I brought it up, maybe. But you never told them... you never told me, that they were wrong.”

The silence was killing you. You were sure realistically it’d only been a couple of seconds, but it felt like forever since you’d spoken, and nothing. Swallowing that sick taste in your throat you looked up, to see a panicked expression on Kurt’s face so vivid if almost made you feel panicky.

“I’m sorry!” He squeaked.

You bit back your sadness as Kurt held onto you in a vice like grip, apologising under his ragged breath, which definitely wasn’t helped by the way his chest squeezed against yours. “I-I’m-I’m-‘m mmmmm! ‘M so sorry y/n. So so so sorry baby. Sorry sorrysorry!!!” You wanted to tell him it was fine, but a sob wracked through your chest even without accompanying tears, reaching up to stroke the backs of your fingers against his cheek as Kurt was furiously and terrifiedly smashing kisses to your head where he could reach. Pecking generously all over your fingers once they reached his skin, taking the tip of your longest and wrapping his lips around it in a sweet kiss, whining uncomfortably when he let go.

“I jus-just! Because you- I don’t know!!” You tried to shift your legs to hold him with them but Kurt was clinging onto you in such a teddy bear hug you decided to rub your head agaisnt his soft shirt instead, hoping the movement would let his brain catch up that you were leaning into him, you were embracing him. Not running.

You weren’t sure if it worked, but Kurt continued.

“I just. I thou-assumed that you’d know they were lying. For attention.”

You perked your ears at that, Kurt shifting so uncomfortably, even on your lap.

“Because you’re smart. So much smarter than me. I thought you’d just know they were making it all up. That you saw yourself the way I did.”

Your heart thumped. How did Kurt see you?

He nosed behind your ear, whining softly as he tucked himself away there. “And you’re so much braver than me too. I thought th-you wouldn’t even c-care what thos-they said.” He nuzzled behind the top of your ear, pulling back a little as you heard a small stuttered bretah. “I mean, you’re still b-brave. All those things. Ju-! Just not what they said! You’re all the good things.”

He kissed your jugular, such a vulnerable part of your body, and it all lit up at the touch of his lips. “You’re all the good things in the world. In my world.”

Kurt wasn’t always good with words. But that was the most beautiful thing you’d ever heard from someone about yourself.

Your hand swept to his heart, fingertips gently grazing over his chest as Kurt watched you, calming now as he just assessed you, taking in the way you touched him. Just happy to look, and feel. Even when you took your hand away, he was content, because you kissed that area of flesh over his heart, while looking right at him, and Kurt swore he could’ve become yours forever right then and there, if he hadn’t already been.

“Thank you Kurt. That really means a lot to hear from you.” You smiled. “It means a lot you’re trying to talk to me about all this.” Him using his words was just really helping you in this moment. And even if Kurt’s forte wasn’t words of affirmation, he’d try and be good at anything for you.

“Rea-I mean, I’m glad to hear it b-sweetheart. You-You really are my everything, ya know?” He kissed your hair sweetly again, subtly drinking in your scent as he pressed his lips against your hair, always loving the feel of it around his lower face. Or anywhere. Unsuccessfully hiding his smile, not that he’d really want to, as you stroked over his chest again, smiling that smile he always usually tried to bring out. “And you can talk about anything you want with me. Honest babe.”

Kurts strength almost surprised you as once he’d clambered away, he literally lifted your entire cross legged figure from the bottom, gently readjusting you in his lap, just so he could fiddle around and touch you more. And it really did touch you.

“Thank you sweetheart. Those assholes just really got to me huh?”

Kurt nodded, following your every word. You stroked his cheek like he was a soft little baby, before the anger of what those basement dwellers just caused rose up in your chest again, and you had to move your eyes to the wall to let out a cathartic grunt. “Especially when like, it was live and I just had to sit there and take it, or be called worse things if I fought back an-“ You cut yourself off there, moving back to look at Kurt now.

He shifted his head, nodding once. “Go on. It’s okay. I’m right here baby.” His almost stern posture turned caring in his last sentence, rubbing your hand on top of his arm.

You shrunk into Kurts jacket. “I was worried you’d lose some of your fans if I let out some... particularly, harsh comebacks.”

Kurts laugh caught you off guard. You didn’t really think it seemed appropriate, until Kurts versions of events started to make sense as he asked “Yeah? Can I hear some of em?” You chuckled back then. “Especially if they’re Bobby related!” You squealed as his hands came to tickle at your waist, trying to fight him off breathlessly as he held you on his lap with just his legs, only able to fight off his wiggling fingers when he’d gotten a few good laughs out of you.

“Yeah yeah-“ you slapped down his left hand again as you saw it aiming for your hip, relishing in his cooing giggles as he laid you agaisnt his chest once more, not showing his teeth anymore but smiling still as you continued.

“And like, God, it just sucked when dono’s would say things about me out loud in public. I mean, the stares I got.” You looked up at him, to see if he remembered what you were talking about.

He bit the inside of his cheek in thought, it reminded you of a squirrel. “Yeah, I mean I’d stay up like, literally pulling my hair out, on nights you weren’t there because I didn’t know if I should turn off donos in public or if people would stop donating if I did.”

This surprised you a little. You knew Kurt could get very easily overstimulated by stress, especially if it was about his influencer career, but it hurt you to know he was hurting just as much when he was alone. You gave his hair a couple of soft strokes, but Kurt seemed too busy thinking. “Although, I’m glad we still haven’t gotten someo-some idiot, donating to call out a fake bomb threat, like that guy we saw last month.”

“Oh yeahhhh.” You hit his arm in remeberence. Jesus the amount of brain cells some of Kurts fans, at least on his twitch, seemed to have, you were surprised they hadn’t done anything at stupid as that yet. Although it made your heart swell with pride to hear Kurt indirectly call at least his fans that deserved it ‘idiots’, even if it was behind closed doors.

You sighed, collapsing against him, not expecting Kurt to just accept your weight, and willingly lay down, so you were basically laying vertically on his lap. Not that either of you minded. You wiggled around a little, stretching your legs on his and settling you head on his chest, happiness sinking into you own as you let him play with your hair. Positions like this, with you, were always Kurts happy place.

“I dunno.” You sighed, stretching, and Kurt thought you looked like Luna or Dozier when they were pups doing that, in either case, it was cute. “I guess all the negativity just really got to me. I mean I know you’re the professional”- you didn’t miss the way Kurts chest puffed up beneath you at that word- “you’ve been doing it for ten years. But I’m just not used to it I guess. Even though I missed spending time with you, at least if I stayed away from all social media, yours and my own, I didn’t have to see any more insecurities I hadn’t figured out on my own yet.”

“Y-you have nothing to w-to be i-insecure about y/n.” Kurt bent rather awkwardly to kiss your head, but the peck was sweet, stroking through your hair till you clsoed your eyes, cheek smushed against his shirt.

“You’re amazing. Ju-s-beautiful. Way smarter than me.”

“Stop itttt.” You warned with a quick swat to his chest, not liking when he talked down on hismelf like that. Even if that was what you were kind of doing right now. Kurt took your hand and kissed it.

“Drop dead gorgeous, my lil Kurtie.” He nuzzled into your hand, teasing you with the nickname.

You giggled “Yeah, yeah, thank you beautiful boy.”

Kurt giggled back in response, always eating up your praise. Similar to how he was mouthing at your ear like a baby with a toothing toy. You flicked him off of you before he could drool more, enjoying his laughter even if he had tried to swallow you whole. It did cause you a snort of a laugh. But you still had hurt simmering in you just a little.

It mostly came out when you weren’t looking at Kurt again. Just like it did once you’d wiped your ear clean, and were left with your bedroom walls, and a bubbling sigh. “I wish some of those dicks would just drop dead.”

“So do I y/n.”

You nodded, leaning back into his warmth again with a sigh. Kurt, no matter how he was, or other people thought he was, always made you feel safe.

“You’re just... you’re not-you’re so much more than my-those assholes say.” Kurt kissed your hand again, because he could feel you smelling his shirt and it made his entire body feel all fuzzy, like it sometimes did with you. “A-A-And you know, I know I’m not, like, the best, with words.” You kissed his chest and Kurts hand felt like it was vibrating in yours, not physically, just from the fuzzy feeling swelling. “But I don’t think what any of them have said is true.”

You rested your chin gently on his collarbone, even adoring the way he peered down at you from this angle. “You really don’t?” It was what you’d needed to hear, just once. You should’ve just asked him sooner.

“No. ‘f course not. And, I love you y/n. You know that babe. But I’ll say it again. I love you.” He sat up on his elbows then, jaw dropping into a puppet like smile as he dramatically rolled his head. “I love you!”

You attempted to sit up yourself, bracing his hips as you chortled. “You’re so goofy.” Hands leaving him when you gained more balance on your midsection.

“You’re never ever getting away from me!” Kurt lunged at you with a fake roar, smile still wide as you squealed, being wrapped into his hug and pulled impossibly closer on his lap as he kissed you all over, even if it was mostly on your clothes as you were wearing a jacket, he just kissed you harder there. Paying special attention to your face and exposed skin as you shrieked, screaming more as Kurt roared to press a large open mouthed kiss that was more of a fake bite to your neck, his knees coming to hold your arms in place so his hands could tickle you once more.

You tried to turn your head and break free of his hold as you laughed like you couldn’t breathe, only causing an “Oh nooo you don’t gorgeous!” as he suckered you in with kisses, his hands reaching your back now as he stroked up and down your shoulder blades. Once his lips had finally met yours, slowing down and just pulling you in like that, his only focus on kissing you. And you were both all smiles as you did so.

There was just a moment or so where Kurt held you. Your back was to his chest so neither of you could see the others faces, but feeling Kurts warm chest puff beneath yours with every breath, even if occasionally one was shaky, was enough to calm you just a little. Both of you had remained silent, and the tranquility had let you both relive the biggest fight the two of you had ever had just minutes ago. One where you almost yelled at Kurt to leave your life forever, to quit your relationship. With a small gasp your thoughts abandoned you as you felt Kurts lips against your neck, not kissing or sucking, or smiling, just moving slowly as he drawled out his first few words.

“You yelled at me.”

They shattered your stupid heart.

You turned to him, trying not to let the panic show in your features, but regret was still clearly smacked in there. “I know. I know baby, I’m so sorry.”

You held Kurt’s flushed face in your hands, just slightly pressing agaisnt his cheeks. And that’s when his burning eyes started to trickle with tears again. “An-“ he gulped “And I yelled at you too?” He looked right into your eyes and he just broke.

Emotions were running very high today.

“Ohhhh it’s okay sweetheart. It’s alright.” You promised, holding his cheeks so lovingly as you wiped away any tears that dared to leak. “All in the past now huh?” You hummed. Kurt nodded in your safe hold. “And we’ll try not to yell again, right?”

“Right.” Kurt placed his hands on your face now, but in a more secure hold. His hands itched at you, and you could tell that tingly feeling had reached his fingers again, the way he spread them restlessly over and over against your cheekbones. He spoke desperately “I won’t yell at you again, I promise y/n.”

“I know, me neither Kurtie.” You nodded, smiling as his head slowly followed along, lips puffed slightly with tears, in your hold. You knew it wasn’t as simple as that, but right now it really felt like it. It felt like you’d never want to yell at your sweet boyfriend again. And you knew it was just what Kurt needed to hear right now. You stroked over his features dotingly.

“Scared me.”

Kurts small voice almost shot you into a daze of panic. But it was said so... helplessly, defeatedly, you almost didn’t hear the murmur. You let Kurt’s face go and he dropped yours, licking his lips as if he was happy when you went to hold his hands, even if they were tucked away in his sleeves.

“What? By yelling sweatpea?” You asked unsure.

Kurt shook his head. “Scar-was scared.” He quickly corrected himself. Shaking his head for a different reason that time, itching at his sore eyes with his dampened sleeve as he tried to keep his mind straight. “I was scared, you were gonna l-le-leave m-me. Y-You asked-“ he shuddered a breath “you were gonna ask me to go away...”

You melted. Emotionally and physically, falling the upper half of your body into his lap as it felt like your heart dropped further and further like an anchor. Deciding to wrap your arms around his middle when you were there, you leant your tear stained cheek against his soft tummy, looking up at him with a frown. “Kurt, I’m so sorry.”

Kurt sniffed an “it’s okay” before you could continue. It just made you hold him closer, not missing the soft whine that escaped him when you did so, or the fact his warm hand had slipped down the back of your shirt near your neck to trace patterns with his chewed fingernails.

“No it’s not. I never ever, want you to go Kurt.

Kurt hiccuped, and you made sure to look him in the eye so you knew he really belived you, gingerly taking his wrist and using his own sleeve to fondly wipe a small stream of snot escaping his nose. Kurt gave a small laugh, wiping at his nose with a sniff, before thoughtfully rolling his sleeves up to his elbow to continue his mapping of your face with his fingers. They were tapping at the plump of your lips when you continued.

“I didn’t want you to leave then and I certainly don’t now. I’ll never, ever send you away Kurt I promise. Not unless you ask me to. And even then I think you’ll have a pretty hard time buddy.” That was meant to make him laugh a little again, even accompanying it with the tiniest of jabs to his hips. But this time Kurt didn’t laugh. His eyes stayed trained on the small area of your skin he could see from where his hand made space underneath your top, even if your hair fawned over some of it. But a few seconds later he was looking into your eyes, and the seriousness of it almost made you jump in his lap.

“I don’t want you to be scared of me.”

Out of all his emotional statements today that one had shocked you the most. “Why would I ever be scared of you?” You asked concerned, gently rubbing circles into his thigh at such a question. You always wanted to know what was going on his his little mind. Even sometimes still he wouldn’t tell you.

Instead of answering, or at least not yet, Kurt did make you jump this time, although you tried to hide it for Kurt’s sake, by quickly moving his arms and picking you up, shifting you so you were sitting, upright in his lap again, but so he could go into your chest.

With an unsure look to your bedroom wall, you ran your hand through Kurt’s hair in the way you knew he liked it. But seemingly Kurt wasn’t tucked away with you enough, as he bent as far as he could so he could try and hide himself against your tummy. Now it was your turn to coo, and swipe his hair from his face so you could see his expressions better. “Kurt I promise you one thing, you could never scare me.”

Kurt didn’t respond to that. You’d at least expected a nod. But you understood. This must all be hard for him, he was clearly bouncing from range to range of emotions which he already struggled dealing with, and with this being your biggest argument yet... you could understand Kurt.

And in doing so. You decided to try and change the subject. “Hey.” You said smoothly, nudging your boyfriend with your elbow. “So about what you said earlier.”

Kurt panicked a little, but when he saw your smile and slightly raised eyebrows, he assumed he was alright. “Uh. What part?”

You took in a leisurely sigh as you pet him. “The bit about me being, oh I dunno, all the good things in the world, in your world?” You wondered if you’d grow a bigger ego hanging around Kurt this much.

He nodded this time. “Yeah, baby?” He kissed you treasuringly.

“So do you mean to say, that, I’m all the good things in Kurtsworld?”

Kurt blinked rapidly, as a smirk grew on your face. Kurt hadn’t even thought of that. And you could tell.

He blinked some more, before an equal smile started to form. He didn’t let you take it in for long though before he surprise attacked you with kisses, rolling on top of you in your bed, with one long final smack of his lips, nodding affirmatively. “Yes. Yes you are.”

You giggled, reaching up for his face and pulling him closer as you were able to kiss him like normal now. No desperate need for either to not run off, no massive act to show how much you yearned for each other. You just both allowed yourself to be in love.

And it was heavenly. Kurt finally relaxed. Enough so he could manage his thoughts again, thinking up his own little ideas as you were happy to just lie there and let him run a finger up and down your arm slowly, jabbing him in the hip when he came too close to your pit. Kurt only laughed when you did so, he could tickle you later, for now he was contented to just be at peace with you. And for a running a mile a minute kind of guy, that tranquility was almost rare for the two of you.

“You know, I don’t care about documenting you, or whatever bull crap.” Kurt spoke up, finger tracing over your smooth skin. “Not if it means los-not ha-having you.” His hands clutched at your top lightly. “I need you y/n.” Before slowly loosening his grip. “You don’t have to be a collaborator y’know?”

It made you smile way he said it. The way he showed his love and ideas and the way he was looking at just a piece of you, just your arm, right in this moment.

“And I don’t wanna tell fans off just for some stupid drama channels. I’ll make a video. I’ll make more if they don’t stop.” Kurt looked to you now, gripping your chin. Your smile stayed planted. “But I’m gonna do it for you y/n. So you know that they’re just stupid, baby. That you’re not what you think everyone thinks, and definitely not what I think.”

The seriousness in his face made you melt with reassurance, nodding in thanks under his grasp, only let go as you moved in to kiss him again. When you pulled back, he was wearing a funnier look, twisted lips and needy, but open, eyes.

“Just... maybe a couple of pictures on my Instagram, a-and my stories?”

You only nodded, listening to him. You could swing that.

“And you don’t have to do any v-videos with me, maybe you could just... pop into my live sometimes to say hi. That would be nice.” Kurt licked his lips as he waited for your answer, but truth be told, you loved watching the man talk. And talk he could do, for days. So you compromised, much like he was asking you to do, by humming. “Go on.

Kurt seemed to understand this was good, and he trusted you. He shimmied a little on top of you in his excitement to share. “A-And just like one or t-two clips of you in my vlogs, even if it’s behind the scenes stuff, l-like” he looked at you and you were smiling wide, which only encouraged a small cheeky, happy, smile from him “like you holding my hand down the street, or walking in my room.” You didn’t miss the blush Kurt still got when talking about this stuff. “Maybe just like a scene of me taking you on a date to the park or something. I could find some dogs for you to play with. That’d be cute I think. I mean, I think you’d like that part.”

“Actually,” you shuffled a little closer to him, pressing your hands to his chest but not to push him away, in fact, you were pulling him in by his tee, smoothing your fingers up his torso, not missing the little gulp his throat from even your more loving touches. “I think I’d like it better being a bit more active in your content. Versus just background stuff I can’t control as much, does that make sense?”

Kurt nodded his head eagerly, you could almost see him drooling you were sure. Oh and there it was at the corner of his lips. He was lucky he was so cute. And at how bright his eyes were at your mention of being with him in something he loved so much, you couldn’t help but laugh into the next kiss you shared with him, only giggling louder as Kurt laughed too. Humming as you both ate up each other’s cackles in what you could only think of a just such a happy kiss.

So you would be in posts with ‘him and his girlfriend around the town’, and also the casual pictures of just you he’d upload because one side of his accounts was just him worshipping you. Pictures you hadn’t even realised he’d taken, as someone was talking to you about your hat in the park, or of you simply laying your feet on him watching tv, all captioned with quotes like ‘stream break with my girl, isn’t she the best?’ You didn’t even know about one of his undercover fan accounts that was just a shrine to you.

Nor all the pictures of you sleeping, but they were just for him.

Even the pictures you’d upload to your Instagram got overwhelming amounts of love, from your and Kurt’s fans. As well as from your irl, and new internet, friends.

And while he wouldn’t stream him picking you up from work, which he excitedly realised meant he got kisses as soon as he saw you again in the day, you would go home and try your hand at a level for his new gaming video that he was stuck on, even if it was just him trying to prove to some of his more shitheaded fans how difficult the level was.

Even if he didn’t directly say “shitheaded fans” he would call individuals out when necessary. He didn’t want to do it every time he caught a glimmer of something, because he understood overkill after you thoroughly explained it before your first stream together in months, and he didn’t want to embarrass you. But after a few call outs, even using their users, in his first stream, negative comments about you dwindled significantly.

They’d never stop completely, but you knew that. Your favourite time was beating the final boss in the new triple A game Kurt had even been allowed early access to, high fiving your boyfriend so hard you saw him wince even as he cheered, and wtaching Kurt turn to his camera and yell “See?! See how fucking awesome my girlfriend is!?! Beat that punks!” And you had to say you adored the way he called them punks. And your celebratory kiss and cuddle afterwards ended up trending on Twitter because everyone ate it up as shipper fuel. The number one edit was by a person who’d aptly changed their username to “GamerGirlY/n96”.

You even got more involved in behind the scenes stuff. Kurt would be performing a sketch (with dialogue you’d ‘edited’ for him) and at the end he’d bow, taking his wig off like a hat before throwing it at the camera, actually hitting it, as he told his viewers “Thank you to the lovely y/n for buying me that wig grocery shopping for us this week!” You didn’t miss that he was trying to insert the fact you’d both end up buying groceries for each other most times, but you also adored that he so clumsily wanted to share that. Especially as he continued his short thank you credits with a slightly out of breath “Guys, I love her so much.” to his fans.

And with even helping him with his audience when you weren’t in front of the camera, you still got praise, which was now much much more common that criticism.

And as Kurt hid himself into your cheek, too red and flushed and giggling, as you hid into his hair, the both of you snuggled close together under the covers to read the comments on your recent viral tiktok, which were all “wow, Kurt’s gf laughing behind the camera is sooooo cute!”

#Kurt Kunkle/reader #Kurt Kunkle fic #Kurt Kunkle angst #Kurt Kunkle hurt/comfort #Kurt Kunkle x reader #fic #spree 2020 #kurt kunkle

[driftbit]

>>I'm listening to fiction podcasts with 5 fans.<<

Sorry to bother you. I don't follow you, and you have no reason to know who I am. Someone I follow reblogged your post about getting through the WGA strike by consuming old or obscure media.

The line about podcasts with small fandoms jumped out at me. There are two podcasts of which I am one of those five fans.

The first is Girl in Space.

The second is The Strange Case of Starship Iris.

Both have some things in common, like a woman protagonist/primary narrator and a science fiction setting that involves space exploration as the background. Also both put the protagonist into opposition to an imperialist colonizing Earth government in some way.

Starship Iris has more overtly queer elements and themes.

Anytime I see something that might be an opportunity, I try to spread awareness of these two podcasts.

I did actually at one point try to listen to Starship Iris! At some point I'd like to go back to it, the first episode didn't hook me too well, and I think there was something about the audio editing or mixing or quality overall that I think I wasn't a fan of? But also shit was going on in my life, I'm not surprised I had a hard time getting it to stick. In turn, I will recommend to you my podcast I was indirectly mentioning in the post: Wolf 359! It's another really good science fiction podcast, it starts off as a comedy and then things get worse. Plot wise, it does become this really interesting look at the experiences of different people living in a capitalist society, and does a great job with thinking about alternate states of "being" we might not immediately recognize as in line with our ideas of life. Also there's classical music, and a shit ton of pop culture references.

Be on your merry way, thank you for reminding me about Starship Iris! :D

#drift speaks #the strange case of the starship iris #starship iris #wolf 359

[randomnameless]

Considering that the English translation prettied up Caspar's endings for Flower (changing "often out of control to "sometimes reckless" and removing the text confirmed Caspar's career involves invading other countries), while vilifying his non-CF ending (saying he had victims), yeah. Same with turning Rhea restoring the Church to her rehabilitating it. There's definitely reason to side-eye the changes made by the translation team.

TBH,

(bcs i didn't enjoy FE14)

FE16 and Nopes (and all Fodlan content) seriously made me reconsider my stance on the localisation.

After FE Tellius I knew (I mean after FE10) that changes/omissions existed but never thought they were deliberately made to push one character by destroying others, the general feeling was the same at the end of the game (we are supposed to worship Ike, the localisation played it up to 11, but FE10 does it on its own).

Now, FE16 ?

I was pleasantly surprised with FE15's voice acting so I thought the dark eras of lolcalisation were behind us...

But then Rhage popped up.

And with Rhage, I started to notice all little tweaks here and there made in the localised (some at least) scripts, that added end up with the result that "maybe Supreme Leader isn't that bad" that is pretty different from the JP/og version.

When FE10's loc said "Ike is the most awesome dude ever" instead of the jp FE10 saying "Ike is the most awesome dude", the Fodlan lolcalisation tries to give a different meaning to the solution/story given by the game!

As you pointed out, Caspar doesn't invade countries and is "sometimes" reckless, instead of being "out of control while invading the rest of the known world", his non uwu endings are worsened, Rhea was swapped by Rhage, the church needs to be "rehabilited" instead of "restored"...

I don't want to be overly critical and dissect everything when I'm playing a game, I'm playing first and foremost to enjoy myself but when I listen to Leigh's voiced lines and see this :

or this :

even if you're not thinking about localisation too much, you can see there is an issue in voice direction, which leads to discovering issues in script localisation and then... you start to ask "why", and come up with sad answers.

So, because Fodlan verse really disappointed me lolcalisation wise, even if I made exceptions earlier for FE14 and FE15, I can't be assed to trust the lolcalisation at all, so if a game has audio but no dual audio, it will be a hard pass.

Even if a kind soul, like the ones who made the FE Datamine site, compile and upload the script with the different audios to compare, it's a big no-no.

I know jp audio will not solve everything (especially if i still don't understand the jp script lol) but at least when the localised script tries to sell me the apple that is orange in the original script is akshually purple I'd have some clues about something being wrong.

More power to you if you like purple apples, but if I was supposed to get an orange apple, I would like to get this orange apple (or maybe red or yellow if needed), and not another product.

#fantasyinvader #lolcalisation woes #lolcalisation issues #this verse is full of them #i often use rhage as an example because she's the most obvious one #but i think the sprinkles added here'n'there you mentionned are worse #it's not enough to warp a character #they have to edit the original script to support their new ideas/vision of the game #like dudes wtf #i don't give a crap about your vision you're not the devs #and again to reiterate just in case of sea life attack #I have nothing against voice actors who do their job according to the directions given by the voice director #it actually feels like Ms Leigh was given more freedom to voice Rhea in Nopes so we can see more range and emotions especially in #that paralogue #FEH's Halloween!Rhea on the other hand is a clear example of her voice direction not fitting at all the character she's supposed to voice #at times i wonder if Nopes!Caspar isn't an exaggerated version of lolcalised!Caspar #FE16 #3 Nopes

[danmeiljie]

MPreg Remains, Love Confession Cut in Advance Bravely Finale

They keep the parts where Yuan Zong and Xia Yao call each other by their pet names: Da Zongzi and Yao'er respectively: (note Xia Yao is suffering from hypothermia)

They cut the audio AND video footage of Yuan Zong telling Xia Yao "I love you" - it should have occurred here:

Xia Yao responds with a confession of devotion of his own, which is also missing from the Viki Rakuten version.

I cover this previously when I discovered the censored love confession in HD video files I was using to gif the show the first time around. I was surprised, since the files I had were thus far uncensored. You can see this HERE.

Again, the Toe Mpreg line was kept:

And the very last scene is them staring at each other before credits roll.

Episode 30/30

They wisely cut the animation scene that was tacked onto the end of the uncensored version. It showed the man Xia Yao had been looking for all along from the internet found him and visited him in the hospital. I'm glad its gone, but it was a conclusion to the whole arc about Xia Yao being afraid of womens legs and being obsessed the man who surprised him on the internet while Xia Yao was trying to jack off. The whole thing is weird, and a strange element to the story to explain Xia Yao's queer sexual awakening and discovering his attraction to men. But least the animation gave some explanation for why Xia Yao randomly attacked his friend's boyfriends whenever he saw their bare legs.

In my opinion, I think the progression of Yuan Zong pursuing and wooing Xia Yao is enough to explain his attraction. Im not sure you needed a story element to explain why he is gay. He just is. But it was in the novel and Chai Jidan kept it for the drama.

NOTE: I skipped episode 29 since nothing is censored and nothing important happens and I covered it in a previous post when I first gif'd the drama. But here is one extra gif anyways:

Yuan Zong is being shown to have far too much interest in this expensive lighter Xia Yao's friend gave his boyfriend. Xia Yao is jealous and later Yuan Zong will try to buy it for him. I think the drama focused on this part because in the novel this dinner party scene serves a different purpose ;). (To be discussed in a future post!)

Thank you for following this series!

Check out the pinned post for relevant AB tags and content you might have missed!

#the censoring #l watches advance bravely #advance bravely #my bad gifs #xu feng #gong jun #advance bravely... meta?! #advance bravely has a plot i swear

[hologramcowboy]

Part of the reason that Jensen’s voiceover sounds so bad in TW trailer is poor production quality. The audio is too loud, the sound quality itself poor (like recording yourself on your phone vs professional sound booth) and it seems out of sync with the visuals.

You have to remember that this project is obviously poorly funded. The prequel was leaked last June in an attempt to get investors, and that very clearly failed. I imagine they’re just working with the funding that the CW gave them, which isn’t going to be a ton because they’re in the middle of being bought out. Signs that the budget just isn’t there:

Actors with few to no credits to their name that can be paid less because they don’t have the backing to demand higher pay, are afraid to negotiate for it or simply don’t know any better yet and think they’re getting a good deal. And look at who is working behind the scenes- all CW affiliated workers who were announced as attached to the project very late in the game. The CW pretty much reuses the same producers, directors, costume designers etc for everything, so it’s pretty weird that it took so long to get people for the project. My guess is that they were having a hard time finding people who wanted to work on it. And it shows, the wardrobe department didn’t even try.

The stunts and special effects seen in the trailer (where the Ackles were meant to showcase the best parts of the pilot) were poorly done and outdated. Even by TV standards. The prequel is on par with the 2010 Twilight parody “Vampires Suck” quality wise.

The quality of the filming itself looks cheap. Jensen has talked a lot about the cinematography for The Winchesters, what lens they’ve used and how they wanted it to be lit different to distinguish it from Supernatural and the present day. I guess he forgot that later seasons Supernatural were all filmed in that same blue tone he used for the prequel, and that nothing about the lighting screams vintage. It actually looks like several other shows on the CW currently, so it’s more likely he’s just using equipment borrowed from Nancy Drew and passing it off as an artistic choice rather than a necessity.

The music used in the trailer. For a show that’s supposed to embody the 70s with the protagonists getting together over their mutual love for rock and roll, there sure was a lack of rock and roll or even any music from the 70s. Why? Because that music is very expensive. That’s why the music from the trailer sounds like the CW bought the rights for it back in 2008 for One Tree Hill, forgot to use it, so it ended up being used for The Winchesters. I’m surprised that Jensen didn’t use music from Radio Company, but I’m sure that will come. He’s used it on Supernatural and the episode of Walker he directed, there’s no way he’s not going to use it on a show he produces.

Beyond the budget which at this point is fixed (Upfronts are for advertisers, producers already had their chance to appeal for funding either from the network or outside investors) the bringing on of a new producer is not a good sign. Especially because it’s McG who is known for and has gone on record saying that he only comes on projects to clean them up/save them. Jensen’s comments about sitting in his car, producing being boring because your only job is to put out fires, come off even worse now. It’s obvious that Jensen had no clue what went into being a producer, he was used to it being a vanity credit that actors get so that they get a higher pay without technically getting a raise. And that’s really bitten him. The producer is in charge of getting funding (Jensen’s first failure), getting the project rolling (finding casting directors, being involved in the final stages of casting, finding writers and going over scripts etc) and sticking around while the project is being filmed to ensure that things not only go smoothly, but in the direction you want them to.

It’s very telling that a project descended from an established, money making IP wasn’t given a good budget and doesn’t have any care being put into it. The CW and the Ackles thought that the Supernatural association and Jensen would be enough to bring in the audience, and now they’re scrambling because they’ve been proven wrong.

I'm in awe of this post. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 Beautifully expressed, grounded in reality, full of detail and I could have never explained all of that so clearly and effectively. Thank you, Anon.

#anti SPN prequel #anti the winchesters #jensen critical

[t4llhum4n]

Hi. I'm calmer now. Time to actually type out this Hush theory.

Theory (and spoilers for Cataclysm, the Balance, and Hush's video) will be below the cut.

I want to preface this by saying that yes, I see the Shade theory, and I love the Shade theory. In fact, up until now, I actually believed the Shade theory despite the whole "Shades don't bleed" thing. But this is a parallel that I can't ignore.

So, remember when Vega rifted Avior and (though unintentionally) Starlight to Aria during Cataclysm, and they got caught in the Meridian? Remember when Starlight met the Sovereigns there, and they served as a physical vessel to reach Avior, who then was used as a conduit himself to reach and absorb the Sovereigns in Aria? I think it's pretty clear where I'm going with this, and yes, it's kinda wack, but stick with me.

What if it's a similar deal with Hush? It would explain his immense amount of power, him being called an "abomination" by Reticuli, and his ability to bleed. It might even explain his lack of a core. We don't know exactly what happened when the Sovereigns in the Meridian spoke through Starlight or when they used Avior as a means of getting to the other Sovereigns during Cataclysm. All we know is that Avior had enough power, via the Sovereigns within him, to absorb the other Sovereigns, and that while both Starlight and Avior were being used as vessels, they had no bodily autonomy. They were literal puppets. We know that Avior was at least aware of what was happening, though he couldn't do anything to stop it. When he returned the Meridian with the Sovereigns, he was upset and surprised that they had absorbed all the Sovereigns in Aria. He was aware of what was happening, but he couldn't do anything about it. While it's not clear if that was the case for Starlight, it very well could be.

This is where it gets into major theory territory. If this ends up being the case with Hush, then he might not be a completely new character at all. The stories on the channel are all over the place timeline-wise, and as such, we aren't sure exactly when the encounter between Hush and Doc happened (and yes, I checked the timeline). There are two different possibilities that I personally see; one that I think has a lot of potential and one that would be super interesting for this particular character.

First possible candidate: Blake. This one is the possibility with a lot of potential. As stated before, we don't know when the Hush audio happened in the timeline. There are no clues within the audio itself, nor is it up on the timeline. As such, that leaves a lot of room for theorizing. In this case, if Hush is a Sovereign using Blake as a vessel, I believe that that would be the deal that Blake makes to save Bestie. We don't know what exactly the Sovereigns need to gain enough power to break free from Death, so what if Blake traded his core and, for lack of a better term, his body, to the Sovereigns for Bestie's sake? He's willing to do anything for them to live, he said it himself, and he's been content with leaving them be, if it meant saving their life, in the past. However, I know that him and Bestie being a couple probably changed his mind about letting them go, which is why I don't think he would've agreed to giving up his bodily autonomy willingly. The Sovereigns are tricky, and they likely would've phrased it similar to the way they have been to CloseKnit; giving him "immense power." Enough power to change the fate of his best friend and now partner. Also, if this ends up being the case, it would make my "Sovereigns and Seers being connected" theory that much closer to reality, which would be nice.

Second possible candidate: Regulus. This is the possibility that would make Regulus 100x more interesting as a character. Admittedly, I don't have too much evidence or explanation for this one, but there is one thing I noticed. Typically, I try to avoid the whole "they have similar voices" thing when it comes to theorizing because Erik voices almost all of the characters himself. That being said, I'm gonna use it here, and there's a reason for that. When we heard Avior being used as a vessel in Cataclysm, you could hear both his voice as well as the voice of the Sovereigns within him. This might just be me, but the way Hush speaks reminds me of how Regulus speaks. His inflection, specifically. I'll have to relisten to both of them back-to-back to double check, but I remember them being similar. It would explain the little distortion as well. That's the Sovereign's voice layered in the background of his own, but that works as evidence for any of the characters. I don't have a reason as to why the Sovereigns would use Regulus as a vessel, though. This theory literally just comes from the voices sounding similar to me lmao.

There is always the third possibility that this is an Articulate Demon that a Sovereign got a hold of (I mean, the distortion on Reticuli's and Hush's voices do sound similar), but that's not as big of a leap as the rest of this is. I am making huge connections with little information, but I really do think that this could be a possibility. As always, I'm open to discussion (and challenges) of this theory, and if you see any huge holes in this, please let me know! I thought about this mid-plank, so my brain wasn't the clearest. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! I hope you have a nice morning/noon/afternoon/evening/night :)

Edit: OR it's a Sovereign using a fully-formed Shade as a conduit (which wouldn't explain the bleeding but y'know). Anyway, I'm done now bye -

#woah these are some leaps #but like #it's pretty cool to think about #redacted audio #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redacted hush #redacted blake #redacted regulus #redacted bestie #there are definitely some holes in this and i hope someone with a little more coherency in their brain can point them out #also i'm sorry if this theory has been said before #i haven't see it #redacted theories

[rigelmejo]

So I haven't posted in a while. Little updates:

I finished arc 1 of Guardian in chinese again. So now I wont feel bad reading the book 1 english translation.

I took a break from chinese for a while then came back to read. And its interesting to me how much is stored like "2nd level down" in my memory. I don't recall words when trying to talk, after a long enough break. But I start reading, and my brain subvocalizes the hanzi and I can recall this Gist General Meaning of the words. Some words I recall their meaning and all, some just an overall general idea. But I havent forgotten much, nothing totally forgotten, and then most of the details of words come back within an hour or reading. Its surprising to me that reading chinese, memory wise, seems a LOT like reading french. I didnt expect it to be quite as similar a process. But it seems that remembering hanzi Words is as permanent as remembering french word stems/endings (or english ones). Reading skills have long staying power, and don't degrade much even with long breaks between usage. This is Excellent news. Since I don't have time to study much for the next several months, so I'm glad reading skills will stay as good as they are Or Improve if I read, without needing maintenance study. I'd like to improve my listening skill too, because being able to understand audiobooks would increase the chinese novels I could get through that I want to read (audiobooks would be faster than reading). But I dont have time yet for listening reading combo study, and time will tell if i do that activity WHEN and IF listening skills also gradually solidify then become reliable so one can study more sporadically and still see improvement.

My french skills are. Fascinating. I havent purposely studied in like over 5 years. I dont get that much French exposure (my google is in french but tbh google email and notifications do not use a big variety of words). But I've noticed a dramatic improvement in listening skills. My french reading skills have been fine for years. Theyre at a level where I can read like a high schooler: so i can read fiction for adults, but some words or literary devices go over my head and I have to just guess, the more in depth text analysis of themes might be a challenge, but just getting the story/information/most details is fine. I havent had to limit what i read in french in ages. Its just a matter of in french i feel like i did in high school where some fiction makes me "think hard" to grasp some points, versus english where i dont run into needing to Think Hard like that unless I'm reading something written pre-1800s. Anyway my point is: reading skills have been stable a while in french. Listening skills have markedly improved despite very little purposeful practice. I think I should probably start listening to podcasts or audiobooks some point soon. Through scattered listening to B1 and B2 comprehensible audio on youtube, and french shows, im to a point where if the audio has visual context i can follow everything going on and learn new words pretty easy. So now its just listening to french when i have no visuals to rely on, that's a struggle. I remember a few years back, i could not listen to french shows id just get confused, i needed the subtitles to follow anything. My ears mustve gotten used to french or just gotten used to Listening Better to things. Anyway, if i start trying and French Listening Only materials ill mention some progress.

Anyone have any french audiobooks or podcasts/fiction story podcasts they enjoy???

Japanese. also in a weird place. ToT. My biggest hurdle isnt even japanese: its being too chicken to challenge myself. I can play Yakuza Ishin in japanese and follow the main idea and objectives and main points in scenes. Yet i have NOT played more cause it feels Draining to grasp all that info from context and im lazy. I know if i watch a show in only japanese, with japanese subtitles, i know enough to grasp the main plot. But im lazy and its a LOT of effort to see the japanese subtitles and match new sounding words with kanji and try to remember the new pronunciation AND pay attention to the brand new plot. So i fall back onto english subs. I KNOW i can read japanese novels with a click dictionary, its just such SLOW reading, and if i just read while listening and Guess all unknown words its mentally exhausting even though its faster. I even have the easy peasy Glossika Japanese audio to listen to, but im still on lesson 36 because i have to Pay Full Attention when i listen to new lessons and im too lazy to listen with full attention ToT. I can watch lets plays in japanese, i understand them, but the effort of focusing is so much MORE than it would take if i just went to watch an english lets play where i can just hear in the background and follow it fine not even looking at it.

I am at a POINT in japanese where I CAN just learn by doing now! Which is huge! Its an incredibly useful milestone to be at! And makes future study, in the long run, much less daunting to plan as it can become just Do Stuff In Japanese to study. But since im at the beginning of this Comprehend Enough to Learn More from Context phase... learning new stuff from context still takes SO MUCH EFFORT. ITS SO DRAINING. Paying enough attention to comprehend things ive studied is exhausting, paying extra attention to new stuff and guessing what it means is draining and requires a Lot of focus. I know this is just how this stage goes but. Im so lazy.

What i need is something in japanese im SO interested in, that it drives me to engage with it even though I'm drained because im so Curious and Interested in understanding, so i push through until comprehending gets easier. Ideally, a game or show, something that plays so i am Forced to frequently proceed to the next sentence. Because with books and manga i will just stop and dwell on a paragraph for 2 hours and not learn much new stuff.

This stage is especially grating because im not in the stage with french or chinese anymore. I can listen to chinese shows in the background, check my phone while listening, not use the chinese subtitles, pay half attention while drawing. Chinese audiobooks require More attention, but i can listen to them walking or driving without subtitles/transcript and still follow the plot. With french Im to that same comfortable point with shows and youtube videos, not audio only stuff yet but i dont Engage with french audio only stuff. My point is Japanese is the only one where Im really feeling that INTENSE FOCUS drain whenever i try to engage with challenging new stuff in japanese. I dont feel an intense drain with chinese unless I read one of my harder reading level Print Novels or a higher vocab audio only material. I dont feel it with french unless Im doing it with audio only material. I feel the drain constantly with japanese.

#rant

[sewercentipede]

in other news my husband bought me a new laptop!!!!!!! :)))))) since my macbook is 10 years old and for the last few years has been almost completely unusable(so much of its software and hardware is fucked up and nothing ive tried has fixed its issues, it cant get its iOS updated anymore, it always has to be plugged in to work, and its so slow it cant run more than one program at a time), it is essentially a paperweight. this new laptop is specifically for gaming and he got it for half off (like its normally about $1k but for some reason electronic stores did black friday deals super early) and its brand new, not refurbished, and not an apple (aka shitty) product. he picked it up for me today while i was sleeping so it was just here when i woke up like it was christmas day

ive been customizing stuff on it and playing around with it to get a feel for it. i havent tried to run any games yet but i downloaded witcher 3 (since its a pretty taxing game i think itll be a good performance test), and it installed in like 10 minutes. if that game runs without issue then i bet if i got an extra stick of 8gb ram i could run freaking anything, even games like metro exodus and cyberpunk. altho my desktop PC is an absolute beast and can run any game--my husband built it for me in 2016 for my birthday and even tho it could run cyberpunk surprisingly well with those specs, he recently replaced the graphics card, mother board, and doubled the ram so it's basically a tank of a gaming PC now--i cant take that thing on trips obviously. which i have to do more often than i would like. i really needed a functioning laptop, so im super excited!!!!

in my opinion i dont deserve such a nice thing at all, or even the PC i have, especially because i havent had an income since 2019. but my husband disagrees lol he fuckin rules, i love him. aside from how much he takes care of my chronically ill ass and puts up with my shit, financially supports me, does countless things for me out of pure selflessness, always wants to make me feel good, im always amazed by the thoughtful way he gives me gifts without needing to ( its never my bday or a holiday ykwim). theyre either total surprises to me that blow me away bc the level of attention and care that went into it, or its practical things that hes like "im getting this thing for you bc you need it and you deserve nice tools instead of settling for crap, idc what you think!!!!!!"

he even bought me a brand new iphone too since my iphone is 7yrs old, cant get updated past iOS 12 meaning i cant use or download a ton of apps i rly need and its constantly running out of space and starting to have battery issues. ive been avoiding getting a new one for a long time cuz ive been clinging to having an audio jack but the phone has become so obsolete software-wise that it is more problem than its worth just to have an audio jack. although the new phone has yet to arrive which is frustrating cuz he ordered it 3 weeks ago and it still says its in the order stage, not even shipped.

regardless i feel so sugared rn lmao. im gonna play witcher 3 on this laptop and see how it runs :3

#so many nice things i dont deserve but he gets for me bc he loves me..... and its not like hes made of money. we were homeless a year ago #he lives on veteran pension and govt grants and scholarships #so these gifts r not insignificant like it would be for a rich person #he just wants the best for me bc he loves me uwu #isnt that what love is tho--wanting the world for ur partner #no matter the cost #when hes done w school and gets a job hes like extremely insistent on buying me a new car n buying us a house #since my dad has my car and hes not taking care of it at all i had to beg him to get the oil changed last time i visited him:( #and i rly love my car so it hurts seeing it get neglected and fall into disrepair.... #dear god im writing an essay in these tags

[cosettepontmercys]

Cossette, hiii! A new url, I was a little horried that I couldn't find you anymore. hehehe ☃️

Your friend is so sweet! That's such an incredibly thoughtful gift. oh, really? maybe that one is special!? What's your dog called? I have 3 cats. ^^

Yes, me too! I've also been so busy with everything that I have no energy for books or crafts and I'm behind on everything. But it's all good. I've thought about listening to audio books while I do stuff, but do you really pay attention to the story. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that. Do you think that there's a certain type of book that is better to listen to?

I knooooooow, I'm so curious about what her ideas were for sanditon. I did enjoy the ending they gave to the series. But, I'd love to know what she wanted for the characters. So, it's a book in my mother tongue and it's a classic, it's called Os Maias by Eça de Queirós.

My show is in june, I'm going to another country for it. ^^ Yes, I know, that's why I'm not sure if I'll watch it before or not. :p I've seen some stuff, but not everything. Transition wise and order wise I don't really know much. So I'm super super excited too!!!!

Okay, so from two weeks ago I have to say: I wish we kissed when we first wanted / And we didn't miss all the time we did. :'(

From the album in general I think: Women's hearts are lethal weapons / Did you hold mine and feel threatened?

It's really diffiult to pick a favourite, she really did an anmazing job! ^^

What's your favourite christmas or winter time food?

helloooo! i'm so glad you were able to track me down 🤍

my dog's name is toto! he's nine years old, and he is incredibly spoiled rotten! here are some photos of him! what are your cats called? i love cats! i am very allergic to cats, but i actually just finished a series of allergy shots so hopefully i am less allergic to them — haven't gotten the chance to test this out yet, but one of my best friends has two cats that i love dearly!

i do! i actually have to be doing something else for me to pay attention to audiobooks; otherwise i struggle to focus! i think i do better with fantasy and nonfiction, oddly enough, which are two genres i usually struggle with reading physically/ebooks of! i looked up os maias and it looks really interesting! i'm trying to hunt down a copy of an english translation now 🤭

and that's so so exciting!! i can't wait for you 🤍 are there any surprise songs you're manifesting? are you going with anyone else?

i think "women's hearts..." is also one of my favorite lines — that and the bridge of there it goes (the universe is shifting...)! it is just such a good album!!

i love cake! like a good yule log :") but i've recently been really into pesto pizza star bread! what about you? do you have any favorites?

hope you're having a lovely weekend! x

#post: answered #☃️ maisiepetersnetwork secretsanta #mpnsecretsanta23

[akkpipitphattana]

thinking a little more about episode povs & how the multiple important raymew conversations that we don't get to witness the conclusions of fit into that framework.

in ep4 we don't see what happens in the flashback after mew first pushed ray off bc ray doesn't want to think about that! if something more than a chaste kiss happened between them in that video (& we never see the video bc ep3 is nick's pov & nick doesn't give a good goddamn about raymew), ray isn't telling us about it. we don't see the details of mew's rejection beyond the initial "i can't do this", we don't know what he said or how he framed it or how firm he was bc ray doesn't want to remember any of it, though there's also another level here bc within the episode that's actually mew's flashback, & the rest of the conversation they had then isn't really relevant to the conversation he's having now with top.

then in ep6 we don't see how mew initially reacts to ray giving him the recording bc top has no clue whatsoever how mew initially reacted! top didn't even realize that anything was wrong at all until the bedroom, which is also part of why we only find out mew even knew via flashback. the reaction that top understands is the one that mew planned & staged specifically for him. top doesn't give a damn about ray & he either can't or doesn't want to imagine mew's immediate reaction, beyond general shock, to finding out what top did or to hearing the audio -- he doesn't even show us mew actually listening to it, & the flashback cuts off before ray can tell him what the recording is -- & so we don't get the rest of that conversation, even though something definitely happened between them, bc ray loses it & also mew apologizes over it in the next episode. but top doesn't want to know about that, so we don't see it.

& then in ep7. ah, ep7. mew leads the conversation towards him finally giving ray a chance, so he can rebound with the one person he knows loves him more than he could ever love them, the person who he thinks can't hurt him & would always forgive him anything, the person he knows will bother top the most bc "i was jealous of ray" was the only explanation he had for cheating & also top still thinks they have a history mew isn't admitting to (JOJO SHOW US THE FUCKING VIDEO I'M LOSING MY MIND HERE) -- anyway, i'm not surprised mew didn't show us the end of that conversation. i honestly don't think there's any way it could have gone that paints mew in a good light, that maintains his conception of himself as the totally justified victim. plus, the way that him & ray are both taking advantage of each other? that's not the story mew wants to tell himself about them. of course he only gave us the bare bones from which we can draw the conclusion that they're together, more-or-less, & we don't need any details beyond that, but we are going to cut directly to top looking miserable & show his fantasy of dancing with mew morph into a scene of mew dancing with ray, don't read too much into that or anything.

& then their actual relationship is all from boston's perspective, who saw this train-wreck coming a mile off & has no interest in looking away from any of it or in giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. ray's pathetic, mew's just using him, they don't fit together & never have, they're not being honest with each other or themselves, this whole thing is going to crash & burn so hard. & maybe boston's too cynical! but maybe he just sees them more clearly than anyone else is.

THIS EXACTLY!! i’ve been saying since ep3 that we are missing Very Important raymew information, with the flashbacks and the confrontation and the getting together. and it’s purposeful!! storytelling wise yes but because all of these episodes are from different povs. and it’s why i’m SO happy we got them together from boston’s perspective because he is the only one that sees them clearly, aside from maybe nick but nick honestly doesn’t given enough of a fuck about them to be prominent figures. boston, for as much as he’s pissed at them, does care about them and they are important to his life — and he knew damn well this was gonna go up in flames. HE EVEN PREDICTED RAY TWO TIMING!!!!

#like this kind of storytelling kind of makes me think of himym #and how ted is the unreliable narrator and we KNOW he’s changing things #only friends #asks #ofts

[fishfishiee]

The Purple Lady (TMA x LoR)

I got into TMA black hole and now I'm stuck in it. What else could I do beside making a Ruina crossover, right? This one is about Iori who took a stroll in London. Timeline wise, this happened in S3 of TMA between episode 114 and episode 116.

I also posted in AO3! here

Statement of Yuna Carter, regarding a woman she met at a café nearby. Original statement given in May 15th, 2013. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

[Statement begins]

I don't know if what happened to me count as something… supernatural? But if what my friend said about this place is true, I think you're going to accept my story anyway. She worked here, you know? I won't say who, but she worked with artefacts, I think. 

It started as a normal night. I was stopping by a café before going home for the night. When I was just about to sit down, I noticed her standing across the road. She was Asian, I think. It wasn't until she came over that I realized she might be older than I thought she was. Still, she was… unusually tall for a mature woman. Very elegant, too. She wore a long purple coat that was made from snake skin, I believe. Or maybe something with snake skin pattern on it. Her hair was long, so long that it reached her ankles. She carried a long, black case that she strapped on her back. I wondered if she was a musician or something. 

Apparently my stare was a bit too obvious. She noticed that I was staring, but instead of getting angry, she smiled and waved at me. I was embarrassed when she crossed the road and came into the café. Thankfully, the café was empty at the time, so no one noticed my awkwardness. She spoke in fluent Korean, which surprised me a bit, since she introduced herself as Iori. 

I apologized for staring, but she waved me off and said that she was used to it. We chatted for a bit, things like the weather and about the café that we were in. We went quiet for a while before I asked her if she was a musician. She shook her head and gestured to her case, saying that it had her swords in it. Iori then said that too may law enforcers stopped her because of them, so she stored them in a case instead. 

I really couldn't tell if she was joking or not, since she was so casual about it. I thought that maybe she was some kind of stage performer, and the swords she mentioned were her props. Then I asked her what was she doing in London. She smiled mysteriously and said that she was here by accident. “Did you got on the wrong bus or something?” I asked again. Iori looked so amused by my question. I asked what's so funny, and by then Iori was fully chuckling. 

“You asked me the same exact questions last time” She said.

“Oh well. I'll be leaving after this anyway, so I'll humour you. This world has nothing on what I'm looking for after all.” She said.  This is the point where Iori said some weird stuff. Like, things that only comes from sci-fi fiction or something.

Iori said that she was a dimension traveller, and that she was searching for her son. She really didn't mean to come here, but a gap to another universe pulled her in instead. She arrived at an empty house that had a fallen tree on the garden. After that, she said she wandered around a bit before heading to the city. She then paused and looked at me. She continued that this was the fourth alternate version of this world that she visited, and in all of them I was always staring at her. According to her, on the second one I cut my stare short, and she didn't approach me. On the third one, this conversation of ours didn't last long, and I left after a while. 

At this point, I was convinced she was pulling a joke on me, so I scoffed at her. She then laughed and said that I was heading home from a friend called Jeanne, who just broke up with her boyfriend. 

“You told me that last time, too.” Iori said. 

She then went on and said that after I left, I was involved in a traffic incident and died. 

“This time our conversation was a bit longer than last time. I think it would be safe for you to leave now.” She said, still with a smile on her face.

“Of course, it's not a guarantee. Who knows, maybe this time you saw the car accident on your way home. You avoided that, but you got mugged and lost your life that way instead.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked. She just shrugged and told me that she was feeling a bit generous. 

I had enough of her at that point. I thanked her for her 'advice' and hurriedly left the café, eager to get away from the crazy lady. She bid me farewell with that amused smile of hers. I didn't want to admit it, but something about her told me that she wasn't lying. She never told me what happened to me on the first version, after all. It honestly scared me a little, so I decided to call my friend Jeanne and asked her to stay the night. 

That was a few days ago. I noticed that I became a lot… jumpier. At first, I told myself that I was being silly, but after a few… close calls, I was forced to admit that maybe, maybe Iori did predict my death. I wonder if she put a curse on me or something. Anyway, I don't really know what to do after this. It's not like I want you guys to find Iori for me or something. I just… want to tell my story to someone that might understand, you know?

If you do meet an older lady wearing a long purple coat, I suggest you turn the other way. I think you'll know it's her just from her looks alone. 

[Statement ends]

Martin submitted this one along with Anya Villete's statement regarding the house at Hill Top Road. I'm pretty sure the house that this Iori arrived at was that same, particular house. As for Ms. Carter herself, Yuna Carter was killed in a car accident after she left the institute. Basira also confirmed that a few years ago there were some reports about a strange woman carrying three swords around. Nothing could be found about this Iori aside from this statement, though. The café worker that served both Ms. Carter and Iori said that Iori left after finishing her tea, and he never saw her again. I hope that whoever Iori is, she really left this dimension and never came back. This statement does prove that the gap on that house might be a bigger problem than I thought it was. We were quite lucky, since Iori seemed genuinely uninterested in this world, but someday that gap might let in something that wants more.

End recording.

#the magnus archives #library of ruina #jonathan sims #Iori #Purple Tear #TMA and LoR connection is just there everyone

[newpathwrites]

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

VII. Questions

Jai’s sorrow and turmoil over this - that nearly broke his heart.

Being different was not a tragedy.

Din wished he could look Jai in the eyes for this conversation, but the intercom would have to do for now.

“Ad’ika,” Din started, tone soft as was possible through the modulator. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not the only one who doesn’t experience these things. I know because I don’t, either. I think that’s why Omera thought we should talk.”

Summary: Jai is questioning just about every aspect of their life as they reach young adulthood, and who else would they turn to for help but their family?

Note: If you haven’t, I highly recommend reading the brief prequel “Kindred Spirits” to better understand the history of Din and Jai’s somewhat special bond.

Jai is dealing with a lot here. What do they want to do with their life? Will they serve the tribe or do something else? And do they want to do it with a partner at their side? (Everyone seems to think they should… but Jai’s not so sure.) These aren’t easy questions, but they’ve got a peer and confidant in Winta, a wise and motherly advisor in Omera, and a kindred spirit in Din - who may be able to help the most.

I’ve been hinting at it all along, and none of my stories would be complete without ace and aro rep, so… surprise, surprise - Jai is aroace! There’s some other queer representation here, too.

Warnings: Angst, discussions of sex and sex repulsion, questioning one’s gender identity, questioning one’s sexual and romantic orientation, anxiety around ‘coming out’, and one vague allusion to masturbation.

Read on AO3

————————————————————————

Jai had hoped that once faces were revealed and the official standing of their family unit was finalized that the Sorgani rumor mill might quiet down a bit… but no such luck.  Gossip was clearly an ingrained habit in these parts, and there was no stopping it.  And now that Jai was typically going helmetless, they had found that, in fact, much of the whispering was spoken loud enough to be heard without audio enhancement.

“Winta seems rather interested in the boy two huts over… looks like a good match…”

“Do you think Jai will pair off?  I bet they’ll head to Mandalore… not cut out for farming.”

“Why did they even bother getting married?  Din hasn’t even given up the armor…”

The rest of the family didn’t seem to pay it much mind.  The talk surrounding Winta and the boy was in actuality quite true, and Din and Omera were admittedly much too old to care at this point about any rumors passed around about their relationship or Din’s devotion to the creed.

Everyone was rather settled.  Grogu was maturing and controlling his powers well, Winta was excelling in her unofficial Mandalorian training when she wasn’t fawning over the boy in question, and Din and Omera seemed very happy with their (finally) publicly acknowledged commitment.

Jai, though, was in an uncomfortable position.  They were now coming of age, and it was time once and for all to make decisions. But the constant, whispered predictions and judgements were not helpful, serving only to increase their internal conflict and confusion.

Neither staying on Sorgan or heading to Mandalore felt right… so what then?  All Jai knew was that they wanted to do something meaningful, and they hoped to use their intelligence, their one natural gift and by far their greatest asset, to do it.  But how?  The covert never taught these things.  A life of fighting and weaponry was assumed and an intellectual one an unthinkable shame… though Jai certainly knew better now.

And the talk of Jai pairing off… the idea felt strange and even oddly repulsive… But wasn’t that what everyone was supposed to want?  Even Din, so much like Jai in many ways and a long-time loner of his own accord, ultimately found happiness in a romantic partner.  Was Jai not “everyone”, then?

How in the galaxy were they going to figure this out?

————————————————————

“You’re doing really well, Winta.”  Lifting their eyebrows in jest, Jai added, “You might even give Din a run for his money one of these days.”  

The two teenagers had made a habit of training most afternoons, keeping Jai on their toes and allowing Winta to practice with someone closer to her own size who wouldn’t hold back the way Din always did.  The man just couldn’t help it - protective of his found daughter to the core.

Winta plopped down next to Jai on the grass, reaching for the canteen as she smirked.  “Ha ha, very funny… poking fun at the auretti…”

“No, I’m serious, Winta,” Jai reassured her, not meaning to sound sarcastic before.  “You’re doing incredible for someone who didn’t start training until they were older.  Din has been very impressed with you - no joke, I swear.”

Winta’s face betrayed her surprise.  “Oh… Thank you...”  She turned to look at Jai squarely, hoping they understood her earnestness.  “It’s very important to me that I can help take care of the village one day, and I wouldn’t have been able to learn any of this without you.  Thank you for everything you’ve done to help me, Jai.  I really do appreciate it.”

“You’re talking like our training together is over, Winta.”

“Well, isn’t it?  Soon, anyway?”  Winta looked at them pointedly.  “Have you decided yet what you want to do?”

Jai couldn’t hold back a deep sigh, the questioning and frustration never too far behind them.  “I don’t think I can stay here… farming is not meant for me.” 

“I think the village would agree,” Winta interjected, lightening the mood with a good-natured jab.

Jai gave her a little nudge with their shoulder.  “Well, that’s not very nice… but it’s absolutely true.”  They paused for a moment in contemplation.  “Working with the tribe makes sense - and it doesn’t feel right to abandon it after spending my entire life as a Mandalorian.  But… I love learning, and I always grieved the fact that I would never have the opportunity to get a real education in the covert… Maybe right now is my chance… if I can figure out how to make it happen, anyway.”

Winta nodded along thoughtfully before offering a suggestion.  “Why don’t you figure out if it’s even a possibility?  See if you can get into a university somewhere.  Then you won’t have to wonder about it anymore - you’ll know.”

“That’s good advice, Winta.”  Jai met her eyes and smiled, adding, “I think you’re going to make a great mom someday.”

Winta smiled with her eyes at that.  “Thanks, Jai.  I hope so.”

It appeared that Winta had never questioned for even a moment what she wanted from her life.  She was going to get married and have children, farm krill, and protect her village from harm.  Simple, clean, and honorable.  Winta’s future was decidedly clear, and she was content with every part of it.  Why couldn’t Jai be so sure of anything?

Jai had been quiet just a little too long, staring off into the distance in thought.  Winta knew well what that meant…

“You alright?”  She tapped their knee with her hand gently.

Jai looked back at her with a strange intensity.  “How do you know?”  They clarified in response to Winta’s bewildered expression, “How do you know that you want to get married?  And that you like boys?  And that you’d want to… do the thing you have to do to have children?  I can’t understand it.”

Winta’s eyes were wide and startled, taking in the personal nature of Jai’s question, as well as the profound way in which they’d asked it.

Jai shook their head in shame, realizing their error.  “I’m sorry - that’s not an appropriate thing to ask.”

But despite her discomfort with the nature of their inquiry, Winta understood that Jai was asking on account of their own confusion - and she was always happy to be of help to her kind but socially awkward sibling who struggled so much with all manner of human intimacy.

She grabbed Jai’s hand and squeezed once before releasing it, letting them know she wasn’t upset.  “It’s okay.”  Winta took a deep breath, giving herself a moment to think how to explain it.  “Jai, may I ask you a personal question?  You don’t have to answer, but I have a feeling it will help.”

They nodded vigorously, willing to tell her anything she wanted to know if it would help to understand this.

“Jai, how do you know that you aren’t a girl?”

Whoa , that caught them a bit off guard.  Nobody had ever asked them that point blank before.  

But the answer was simple.  “I just… know… I knew as soon as I was old enough to understand what ‘being a girl’ even meant.  I never questioned it - I just knew I wasn’t a girl… or a boy…  Having no gender is just part of me.”

“Exactly,” Winta replied gently.  “I just know.  I don’t have to think about it.  It’s never even been a question to me whether I feel attracted to boys or want to get married… or ‘do the thing you have to do to have children’.  I just know I want those things - it’s part of who I am.”

The analogy made some sense, actually, but when it came to the thought of future relationships, Jai didn’t just know.  “You’re younger than me… I figured I’d feel those sorts of things when I’m older, but… I’m already of age.  That’s weird, isn’t it?”

Winta shrugged.  “I don’t know, Jai.  Most people our age have these feelings, but I’m sure some people feel them later than usual.  So you’ve never liked anyone that way?  You can’t even imagine doing those things… like even theoretically?”

Jai shook their head sadly, whispering, “No.  Never.”

“Hmmm… Have you talked to Din about this?”

Jai looked at her incredulously before asking, “Do you want us both to die of mortification?”

“What?!” Winta exclaimed.  “You talk to Din about everything!”

Jai’s voice dropped again to a whisper.  “Not feelings… and I can’t talk to him about… sex .”

Okay, yeah … Winta could understand that.  “Why don’t you talk to Mama, then?  She’s talked to me about it some.  She won’t make you feel embarrassed.  I promise.”

Talking to Omera did sound quite a bit less daunting than broaching this topic with Din.  “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

————————————————————

It was a quiet afternoon.  Work in the ponds had finished early, and Winta and Jai had taken Grogu outside to play and practice with his force skills.  For once, Din and Omera had a few minutes alone, and they chose to spend them how they often did - chatting at their kitchen table.  After all, it was conversation, sitting in the dark on Omera’s porch many late evenings, which had brought them together in the first place.

“Have you visited Jai in the barn recently?” Omera questioned, chuckling quietly, as she took a seat next to Din at the kitchen table with two cups of caf.  “I think books are going to start tumbling out of the windows.”

Din huffed as he took a sip of the hot drink.  “Imagine what it was like to fit all those into the starfighter.”

This had been a source of some amusement for Din these last few years.  Jai, so much like himself in demeanor and rarely showing any signs of outward excitement, would absolutely light up with happiness at the site of a bookstore.  He’d lost count of the number of shops they’d visited over the course of their many travels in service to Bo-Katan, Jai always walking away with as many purchases as they could carry.  And the subjects were many and varied - if Jai didn’t already know it, they were going to read about it.

It had even become a bit of a joke in the village that if Jai couldn’t be found, you knew where to find them - in the barn or on the porch or sitting out in the grass somewhere voraciously consuming every bit of written knowledge they could get their hands on.  But while it was a point of jest, it was not done without affection and pride.  Jai might very well be the most intelligent and educated person to ever step foot on their little planet - and one who never once behaved as if they were better or smarter than any of the hardworking krill farmers who lived there.

Omera grinned over her steaming cup.  “What did they pick up in Coruscant on your last mission?  Astrophysics?  Hydraulic engineering?  Existential philosophy?”

“Probably all of those,” Din laughed.  “Actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you about Coruscant.”

That got Omera’s attention.  Din had always made a point to keep his work with the tribe separate from his life on Sorgan, rarely speaking about missions and never sharing details.

“Oh?” Omera asked casually as she took another sip, inwardly burning with curiosity and surprise.

“Yeah, something interesting happened,” Din started, setting down his mug and fully facing his lovely partner.  “On our way back to the shipyard, we passed by one of the big universities there, and they had one of the largest libraries I’ve ever seen.  We had to leave our weapons at the door, but we were able to go in and look around.  You should have seen Jai in there, Omera.  I would have thought they’d found their way to the Manda.”

Omera smiled broadly, always happy to know that her exceedingly muted and introverted foundling was still capable of finding joy in this life.  “I can imagine.  How’d you manage to get Jai out of there without any books?”

“Logic,” he huffed.  “Only way to do it with them.  Books aren’t allowed to leave the campus.  But anyway, that’s not the point.  After the library, they stood on the street for a good five minutes just… staring at the university building.”  He paused, running a hand through his hair as he often did when he was thinking.  “I don’t know why it never occurred to me before - but what’s stopping them from going?  We have more than enough credits saved up - may as well use them for something worthwhile…”

Well, kriff … Omera couldn’t believe her idiocy on this matter.  Of course Jai should go to university.  Why hadn’t any of them ever thought of that? Stars, it seemed so obvious now.  “Well, did you go inside?  Get some information?”

Din shook his head, frustrated.  “No, there was a sign outside detailing their strict “no weapons” policy.  Jai eventually just turned and kept walking down the street - seemed sort of sad.”

Now Omera was on a mission of her own.  “Alright.  You need to go back, Din.  Even if Jai has to leave their entire get-up on the ship, they need to go inside and talk to the… admitters… or whatever they’re called these days.  The resol'nare doesn’t preclude an education, does it?”

“Nope,” he answered quickly.  “Not at all…”

She nodded, the determination he admired so much lighting up her eyes.  “Okay, then… Let’s make it happen.  Are you going back to Coruscant any time soon?”

Din nodded, glad that Omera was so forcefully in agreement that they should pursue this idea.  “Bo-Katan has been having us meet a contact there, and we’re due to go again in a few weeks.  I was thinking before we head back to Trask, I can try to get Jai into the university for a visit - leave their weapons in the ship.”

“Alright, we have a plan,” Omera exclaimed with authority.  The teen had been conflicted about their future for so long… Finally, they’d found the answer.  The education Jai had always longed for was well within reach - they’d just not considered the option until it was dropped right into their laps.

“I enjoy seeing you like this, cyare…” Din said with a light smirk playing at his lips.  “…even more than watching you shoot…”

Omera eyed him for a moment and then took him by surprise, leaning forward quickly to capture his mouth with her own, deepening the kiss slightly before pulling away.  “Don’t you go starting something when the children could come back any second, Din Djarin.  You can flirt with me tonight when they’re all in bed.”

Din actually looked a bit taken aback, stumbling through a response.  “I wasn’t… I don’t think I even know how to…  I just find your determination… attractive…”

Oh, Din… So literal and so very genuine… She should really know better by now that he meant every word he spoke - with very little subtext.  

“Well, then,” she whispered, as she pulled on his collar to bring his face closer to hers while he watched her in mild bewilderment.  “I guess I’ll be flirting with you… ”  She pressed her lips again to his and didn’t pull away this time, content to enjoy these few minutes of intimacy with the man she loved during this blessed time alone together.  They’d hear the children’s footsteps on the porch, anyway, right?

————————————————————

“Jai, sweetheart,” Omera called across the small hut.  “You’ve been loitering outside my kitchen all morning.  Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on, hmmm…?”

Their head appeared around the corner, eyes wide with surprise.  “How did you know?”

“I know your footsteps - not as heavy as Din’s,” Omera chuckled lightly.  “And normally you’re out reading on the porch at this time of day.  I heard you pacing out there.”  Omera didn’t stop her work but kept moving about the small kitchen area as she waited for Jai to start talking.  It was always easier for them to speak their mind when the attention wasn’t fully pointed in their direction.  “Here, come help me with this while we talk.”

The distraction was helpful, actually.  Din had told Jai once that Omera had a gift for making hard conversations easier, and well, she was definitely making it easier right now.  Jai wasn’t sure they could speak on this topic if she’d been looking them in the face.

They started hesitantly, face burning with some embarrassment.  “Uhmmm… I have some questions about… adult things …”

Ah.   Omera had wondered over the last couple of years if this conversation was coming.  She imagined that Jai hadn’t been formally taught anything about romantic or sexual relations before spending their early adolescence fighting for survival after the destruction of the covert.  Perhaps they’d read about it… but reading alone could not prepare one for the reality of adult relationships.

“Go ahead, Jai.  Ask me anything you want to know.  There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”  Omera kept her tone as casual as possible, trying to keep the conversation just… normal .  She’d found it was the best way to handle this kind of thing.

Jai ripped off the bandage and got right to it.

“Well… what is attraction supposed to feel like?  How do you know that you like someone that way?”

Stars , they were starting with the hardest questions first.

“Okay,” Omera started.  “That’s a difficult question, Jai, because I imagine every person experiences it a bit differently.  But… I think wanting to spend all of your time with someone, to get to know them more personally or intimately than other people, to be physically close to them, to want their life intertwined with yours… Those are some of the ways…”

Well, kriff .  Jai really hadn’t ever felt that way about anyone.  And the idea of being physically close… they couldn’t understand that at all.  They were quiet for a moment, rolling all of that around in their mind, before moving on rather bluntly, reminding Omera so much of their adoptive father.  “What is the appeal of these physical things?  Like kissing… it seems pretty gross and unhygienic to me .”

Omera couldn’t help huffing out a small laugh.  “Well, when you’re attracted to someone, it doesn’t feel that way.  And if they’re good at it, the sensations are quite enjoyable.”

Nope , Jai couldn’t imagine that being enjoyable in any way.  With the exception of the rare affectionate hug or brief touch from their found family, who’d always been respectful of Jai’s rather rigid boundaries, the idea of unnecessary physical contact of any kind was almost repulsive.  And if kissing sounded unpleasant, then sex would be a sensory nightmare.

“Is sex the same way?  It's hard for me to understand why in the galaxy anyone would want to do that…”  Jai made a face then, one almost of disgust, as they continued, apparently having overcome their shyness, “…naked… parts touching…”

Well , this was not the conversation Omera had expected.  She figured Jai might come to her when they did feel these things, confused about how to handle them.  But it seemed Jai was more confused because they didn’t .  It was difficult for her to relate here.

She pulled out a chair and gestured to Jai to sit down, setting herself in the one beside it.  This needed to be a more serious talk, apparently.  “Sweetheart, sex isn’t just putting parts together.  It can be about sharing yourself with another person and enjoying that intimacy.  But it’s also about very nice physical sensations… euphoric, really, if you’re doing it right.  That’s why people enjoy it so much.  Personally, I think the nice parts far outweigh the gross ones.  Do you understand the… mechanics?”

Jai flushed noticeably as Omera spoke, but she would never be so cruel as to mention it.  In fact, Jai was aware of that euphoric feeling - but it was a deeply personal thing, one they used to regain focus or help them sleep - not something they ever desired to share with another person.  There was absolutely nothing sexual about it.  

“No, I… I do understand why people like the feeling.  I’m aware of… arousal and orgasm… and mechanics ( yes, of course , they’d read about it… in depth…) .  It’s the participation of the other person that sounds terribly uncomfortable to me.  Stars , I don’t even like someone touching me with all my clothes on.”

The look on Omera’s face told them everything.  She could not relate to this - same as Winta, even if neither would ever be unkind about it.  Maybe there really was something wrong with them…

Omera shook her head and laid her hand briefly over Jai’s where it rested on the table.  “That’s okay, Jai.  Plenty of people are averse to touch, and I imagine many of them feel similarly.  Sex doesn’t have to be part of a relationship if that’s not what you want.”

Jai was glad for the reassurance, but there it was again - the assumption that they should want a relationship in the first place.

“What if I’m not interested in a relationship at all?  I feel like I’m not even capable of feeling attracted to someone in these ways.  I’m basically an adult now… and I never have… can’t even picture it…”

Omera was in over her head here, and she knew it.  She couldn’t fathom personally what Jai was describing.  It wasn’t typical… but it also didn’t seem like a pathology…. Jai was different, certainly, but not abnormal .

And throughout this conversation something nudged at the edge of her consciousness - a memory… a similarity… a nighttime conversation on the porch… a first kiss…

Din .

He’d explained to her that night that he wasn’t like other people - that attraction wasn’t a simple and natural thing for him, but a very rare one nurtured only by a kind of intimate connection which his profession didn’t generally allow.  And going without had really never bothered him… until the day he realized he’d fallen for her without even trying.

Din and Jai weren’t entirely the same, of course… but truly, the similarities were uncanny.

“Jai,” Omera addressed them gently, recognizing the distress clearly showing on their face, “I’ll admit that I’m having a hard time understanding this.  But Din… the two of you understand each other… in a special way that the rest of us just cannot.  I think you should talk to him.  I have a feeling he’ll understand better.”

The teenager met her eyes, shaking their head in disagreement.  “No, I can’t… I talk to Din about many things… but not stuff like this… I think he’ll combust if I even bring it up.”

Omera couldn’t help but chuckle.  “You don’t have to get into the uncomfortable details - just explain your experience to him.  You two have so much in common, I’m sure he’ll be more helpful than I have been.”

“You really think I should?”  Jai absolutely could not discuss the parts or the mechanics with him.  But the feelings… or lack thereof… maybe they could handle that.  Din really was so much like them in many ways.

Omera nodded kindly, reaching a hand over to tuck a stray dash of hair back over Jai’s ear.  “I really do, sweetheart.”

Jai sighed loudly, huffing a bit at the end.  “ Dank farrik … alright…”

————————————————————

The meeting with the contact had gone faster than expected, and Din was glad for it.  That left plenty of time for what he and Omera had planned on Jai’s behalf.

Their route back to the shipyard brought them once again in front of the university, and it was as if a magnetic force pulled Jai toward it, stopping and turning to face the grand building for a moment to admire from afar.

Din sidled up beside them before venturing, “You want to go inside?”

Jai’s helmet whipped around to face him, surprised.  “But… no weapons allowed…”  They pointed toward the signage next to the door.

Din turned on his heel and gestured to Jai to follow.  “Come on - you can leave the weapons on the ship.  Then we’ll come back and see if you can meet with them.”

“Are you being serious?”  Jai honestly couldn’t believe that this was happening - that they might have a chance.

When was Din ever not serious about anything?  “Of course I’m being serious, Jai.  Let’s go - the office will only be open a few more hours.”

Well, he didn’t have to tell Jai twice.

Despite the creed they still tended to follow around outsiders, Jai decided it was best to visit the university devoid of the helmet and armor.  Their situation was already a bit strange - no need to call further attention to their unusual background by walking in faceless, covered head to toe in metal.  But when Din pulled off his own helmet and began methodically removing plates of armor and stacking them on his seat in the cockpit, Jai couldn’t believe their eyes.

“Din…?”

“I don’t want to send you in alone… This way we won’t call too much attention.”  He paused, looking down at the plain, entirely black clothing he wore under the flight suit, nothing like the colorful, professional attire they’d seen most wearing around the bustling campus, before adding casually, “Though I suppose we’ll still stand out a bit.”

Jai was absolutely awed - Din wouldn’t even go completely armorless on Sorgan… nevermind Coruscant.  “I can’t believe you’d do that for me…”

Din turned to them then with a smile filled with the love and pride of a parent, laying a hand solidly on their shoulder.  “Believe it - because we’re going to get you into that school.”

————————————————————

The visit to the university was a smashing success.  The advisor they’d met with took an immediate interest in Jai - this teenager of Mandalorian upbringing who lacked any conventional education but spoke with the confidence and maturity of a worldly soul many years their senior.  Given the exceptional circumstances, they’d allowed Jai to take the placement exam right then and there to gauge their preparedness to matriculate in such an institution… which of course they passed with flying colors, scoring in the highest decile.  Extra impressive considering they were almost entirely self-taught.

Din felt like a fish out of water in this place, but he did his best to play the part of the supportive father - not that any acting was required on that front.  He only wanted what was best for Jai… and gosh was he proud.  He’d always known they were special in this way, since they were a young child even, and to see their potential realized right before his eyes was an incredible privilege.

Jai was cool and composed throughout, but their excitement gave way the moment they were back out on the street in front of the university, thick bundles of informational packets and application materials in tow, throwing themselves at Din in happiness.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” they chanted genuinely as they embraced their guardian.  “This was so amazing, Din.”

Din chuckled, patting their back fondly.  “I’m proud of you, verd’ika.  You really blew it out of the water.”

He couldn’t contain an amused grin as they made their way back to the shipyard.  Din was quite certain he’d never heard Jai talk so much as they were right now, chattering on and on about which programs and concentrations they might consider.

But the flight back to Trask was quiet, more so than usual, something Din now recognized as a sign of heavy contemplation on Jai’s part.

“Jai,” he crackled through the intercom, already slightly muffled by his modulator, armor now back in place.  “What are you thinking so hard about back there?  I would have thought this would be an easy decision.”  Jai didn’t reply right away, so Din offered a bit of wise reassurance.  “You know - you don’t necessarily have to choose one thing over another.  You can get your education now and then decide to join Bo-Katan later with more skills under your belt if that’s what you want.  And you know Sorgan is your home… no matter how much you’re away.”

They sighed loud enough for Din to pick it up over the intercom - Jai did learn from the best, didn’t they?

Finally their voice came through the cockpit speaker.  “Yeah, I know.  I think I want to go to the university.  I’m still not sure what I want to do after that, but now I’ll have some extra time to figure it out at least.”  There was something almost sad and anxious in their voice - so unexpected after the happiness they’d expressed just an hour or so ago after their visit to the school.

“What’s wrong, kid?  Something’s bothering you.  Tell me about it.”  It wasn’t like Jai to be quite this somber.  Come to think of it, they’d been a little too quiet these last few weeks.

Jai groaned.  “It’s embarrassing…”

“Hey,” Din interjected.  “I’m not here to judge.”

Jai took a deep breath and let it out slowly, releasing their nerves at the idea of discussing this topic with a man who was basically their father.  “I think there might be something wrong with me…”

Din reacted on instinct immediately.  “What?  Are you sick?  What’s going on?” Jai could hear the panic in his tone, thinking them ill or in danger.  They dropped their helmeted head into their hands in embarrassment and frustration.

“ Dank farrik … I’m fine.”  Jai punctuated the last word as they looked back up.  “I just… I don’t really feel the same way about… things… that other people my age do…”

Din hesitated - they were being weirdly vague here despite the reassurance that all was well.  “Okay… Such as…”

“Uhmmm…” Jai winced under the visor.  “Such as… romantic relationships… and physical things…”

Heart dropping in his stomach, totally unprepared for such a conversation, Din replied a bit shakily, “You mean… sex?”

“Yeah…”

Din cleared his throat uncomfortably.  “Wouldn’t you rather talk to Omera about this?”

“That’s what I thought, too,” Jai huffed.  “But Omera said I should talk to you - said you might understand me better.”

“She did, huh?”  He’d have to talk to her later about springing this sort of uncomfortable thing on him unexpectedly.  But this was what being a parent was all about, right?  Jai didn’t have any other adults in their life who they trusted.  So Din was going to have to swallow his own self-consciousness and help his kid .  “Alright, Jai.  Tell me how you’re feeling.”

Jai was desperate for answers, and so, despite their trepidation, they poured out everything - how they’d never felt drawn to a person in these ways, couldn’t imagine it even being a possibility, didn’t think they’d ever want to have sex or get married or have children… They shared their fear that there was something inherently wrong or broken inside of them… that being how they were was weird and embarrassing… something they should carry around with shame and sadness for the rest of their life.

It didn’t take long for Din to understand why Omera had sent Jai to him .  He could relate in many ways - not all of them, because in the end he was capable of feeling these things under the right circumstances, however rarely - but still, he’d spent most of his life feeling similarly “unattracted” and uninterested.  Jai’s sorrow and turmoil over this, though - that nearly broke his heart.  

Being different was not a tragedy.

Din wished he could look Jai in the eyes for this conversation, but the intercom would have to do for now.  

“Ad’ika,” Din started, tone soft as was possible through the modulator.  “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  You are not the only one who doesn’t experience these things.  I know because I don’t, either.  I think that’s why Omera thought we should talk.”

Jai couldn’t hide their shock at that.  “But… you and Omera…”

“Yeah, I know.  But, Jai, she’s literally the only person I’ve felt that way about in my entire forty-something years.  Until her, I felt a lot like you do.”

“Oh… So are you saying that I’ll feel different when I meet the right person?”  Jai still couldn’t wrap their head around the idea of that at all.

Din was quick to correct them.  “No, Jai. We can’t see the future, but you sound pretty certain that you don’t want that.  I was never entirely opposed to the idea - it just didn’t interest me.  And I always thought that if I ever had the opportunity to really get to know someone that I might like to try having a relationship, but I just figured it would never happen - and that was fine with me.”

Jai was still a bit confused.  “Okay, but the… physical stuff … Did the idea repulse you this way?  Or you just weren’t interested in it before her?”  Jai wasn’t clueless - they knew what went on behind closed doors even if they wished they didn’t.

Din considered for a moment and huffed out a small laugh.  “Repulsed is definitely not the right word - maybe more like indifferent.  I was curious at your age even though I never felt drawn to any specific person.  But I never enjoyed it the way other people seemed to… and eventually I decided I really just didn’t like it all that much, at least not when it was casual and impersonal… and resolved to just not bother about it unless lightning struck and the right person came along.”

“But then lightning did strike…. You met Omera…”

“Exactly.  Before her, I never had these feelings for anyone .  And Jai… it wasn’t love at first sight… or even lust.  It took a long period of friendship before I felt anything at all like that.”  Din paused in thought.  “It’s my understanding that’s not exactly… typical… but I can’t imagine myself being any other way.”

Wow… okay… This was helpful, actually.  So not feeling attraction and being uninterested in sex and relationships wasn’t a problem , at least not in Din’s mind, and while Din was open to the possibility and capable of experiencing it rarely , it was still okay if Jai felt it never .  They just fell at two different points on a spectrum.  But Jai still had some questions - mostly to satisfy their own curiosity now.  This was all so confusing.

“If it’s not too personal… How does it work?  Because Omera isn’t like you.”

Din chuckled.  “No, she’s not.  All of this comes much more naturally to her.  But she was patient with me… very patient.”

“Well,” Jai hummed.  “If I was ever going to have a relationship - which I’m not - but if I was, I’d want to be like you and Omera.  You’re very good for each other.”

Din smiled under the helmet.  “Thanks, Jai,  I like to think so, too.  You feel better about this now?”

“I really do.”  They shook their head in disbelief.  “Thank you so much, Din.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied warmly.  “We can talk any time, alright?”

Jai remained quiet for the remainder of the trip, but at least the mood in the small spacecraft was lighter, less oppressive.

And when Jai sobbed into their pillow that night in their quarters on Trask, Din understood that it was the pressure valve releasing - finally letting go of a burden they’d carried in private for far too long.  He’d done the same some years ago, the night he’d given his child away to the Jedi - in the very same barn on Sorgan Jai now considered their home, soothed by a kind friend who would one day become his loving partner.

And when Din came in to sit by their bed and silently run a comforting hand over their back, they let him - this man who had understood them for as long as they could remember, who was at once their brother in arms and yet now their father in every other way that mattered.

How silly to think there was anything they couldn’t tell him.

————————————————————

“Did Jai talk to you about… anything…?” Omera questioned, lazily running her fingers over Din’s naked chest in the afterglow of their reunion.

He looked down at her pointedly before responding, voice dripping with his typical brand of sarcasm and mild annoyance.  “ Yes .  A little warning would have been nice, cyare.”

Omera couldn’t help but giggle at his tone.  “I’m sorry, love.  I wanted to protect Jai’s privacy…  But I knew you could help them with this more than I could.  Did you have a good talk?”

“Yeah.  I think they feel better about the whole thing now.”  Din didn’t say anything more.  He and Jai had always had an unspoken understanding.  The rare vulnerability they allowed each other stayed between them - a pact between comrades and a promise among aliit.  Jai had spent the better part of a night sobbing in his arms, years of pent up confusion and turmoil released all at once - but not another living soul would ever know about it.

“Good, I’m glad,” Omera sighed as she snuggled closer, wrapping an arm around his middle.  “Can you imagine having ‘the talk’ with Grogu?  Winta and Jai were probably easy in comparison.”

Din snorted.  “Well, if we’re really lucky, we’ll be dead by then.”

“Din!” she reprimanded him.  She had to admit, though, it was rather funny.  And how rare to see this lighter, playful side of her partner.

But Din became quiet after that, the sort of quiet she now understood was pensive.  “You’re thinking loudly, love.  Anything you’d like to share?”

He looked at her strangely then, almost like he was nervous - a rare state for him.  “Uhhh… there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you… but I wasn’t sure if…”  He paused as if gathering his wits and then pressed on with a bit more confidence.  “I told Jai that I’d never had feelings for anyone else before you… but it’s not true.”

Omera wasn’t exactly surprised by this information, though it was unexpected.  Sure, Din had always insinuated that he’d not had any other romantic relationships in his life, but they hadn’t met until they were already middle aged with a lifetime of prior experiences under their belts.  Of course there were probably others.  Omera had a husband in her past who she had loved dearly, and she’d told Din quite a lot about him.  Why would Din be so nervous about sharing this with her?

“He was my best friend… as a child on Aq Vetina…”

If Omera was shocked to learn that Din had once loved a boy, she didn’t show it.  She simply smiled at him warmly as she so often did when he shared something new about himself.  “Tell me about him.”

And so he told her everything he could remember. 

He and the boy next door had become fast friends when their mothers started a communal garden on the patch of land between their two homes, and they quickly grew attached.  And though it was the innocent kind of love typical of youth, it was very much real.  The two boys spoke often of getting married one day and tending a garden of their own.  Had they both survived the attack on their settlement, maybe they would have done just that.  Din would never know.

As Din got older and never developed such feelings for anyone else, he wondered if this Mandalorian version of himself simply wasn’t built for romantic relationships… or if maybe that boy was meant to be the one great love of his life… and that Din’s only chance at happiness died with him on Aq Vetina.

It was cathartic, really, to speak out loud what this boy had meant to him after so many years holding him only in memory - and to know that his wife understood and accepted it so tacitly… that was liberating.  He’d kept this from her for so long.

His fingers slipped through her hair as he spoke, lips brushing the top of her head.  “I never looked at anyone that same way again until you.”  It had happened slowly as they’d become closer, and it had taken him by surprise when it finally manifested itself in his conscious awareness.  He hadn’t thought he was capable of falling in love again. 

“Well, I’m glad you did,” Omera replied softly.  “Do you think about him a lot?”

Din nodded, a sad smile turning somewhat brighter.  “Winta reminds me of him sometimes… with her well-intentioned schemes… spreading joy and happiness everywhere she goes…. He was like that, too.”

“Thank you for telling me about him, sweetheart.  I know it’s hard for you to talk about your childhood.”  

He kissed the top of her head in response, and she hugged him tighter.   “You make it easier.”

“Can I ask you something personal?”  She lifted herself off his torso and swiveled to face him as he gestured for her to continue with that trademark tilt of his head.  “So have you been intimate with both women and men?”

There it was again - the fear .  She could see it in his face, but he’d already decided to tell her everything it seemed.  “Yes… I don’t have a gender preference… on the very rare occasions I indulged, anyway.”  He met her eyes before adding cautiously, “Does that bother you?”

She reassured him gently with a hand to his heart and a soft smile.  “How could I not love something that’s part of who you are?”

All of his fears dissolved in that moment.  Dank farrik , this woman never ceased to amaze him.  “I’m honestly not sure why you love me in the first place… but I thank the Maker for it daily.”

Omera leaned forward to kiss him softly.  “You don’t ever have to be afraid to talk to me… about anything .”

“I know,” he replied quietly.  “I love you, Omera.  Thank you… for being you.”

“I love you, too, Din - every part.  Don’t ever doubt it.”

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As much as the village loved to gossip, so did it love a grand celebration.  Jai didn’t much like being the center of attention - it was quite horrible actually… but they appreciated the intention behind it nonetheless.  Winta, of course, had been the one to let it slip, and how could they not celebrate one of their own being admitted to university?  The first from their small village no less?  

On more than one occasion during this joyful event, a well-meaning elder would stop Jai to suggest they might be a good match for one of the other young people in the village.  And for once, Jai knew exactly how to respond - with the truth.  “I’m not interested in relationships.  I think you’ll find a better match elsewhere.”  And it felt good - free of the pressure of societal expectations.  Jai had no need for those.

The rest of the family was happy and proud, of course, but there was a bittersweetness to it, too.  They would miss Jai dearly, an integral member of their family whose absence would be felt every day.  And so too would Winta have a life of her own someday soon.  Din and Omera would still have Grogu for some time, but things would be different…

Their family would change and evolve again and again in the years to come… but they would remain family just the same… and a strong one at that…

To be continued…

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There you have it… Jai is aroace… and Din is demi and bi… These are my headcanons, and I will not be taking questions :-)  Their queerness is one more thing Din and Jai have in common.

Stay tuned for an epilogue of sorts to close out the series.  We’ll jump ahead to show what our lovely family is doing in the future.

Thank you for reading!

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