#and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything

[otomehonyaku]

Diabolik Lovers Lost Eden Stellaworth Tokuten Short Stories スペシャル特典小冊子 ☽ Shin ver.

This short story booklet was part of the Stellaworth set for Lost Eden! Keep reading below the cut for Shin's version.

S ☽ [Ayato’s version by @kyouxa] [Laito’s version by @kyouxa] [Shuu’s version] [Reiji’s version] [Kanato’s version] [Subaru’s version]

M ☽ [Ruki’s version] [Yuma's version] [Kou’s version] [Azusa’s version]

TK ☽ [Carla’s version] [Shin’s version] [Kino’s version]

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

As always, special thanks to @karleksmumskladdkaka for providing the scans ♡⸜(˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝ Please do not reuse or post my translations elsewhere or translate my work into other languages without my permission.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

When Brother took up his duties as the King of the Founders, I came to know what a great man he really was. I had already respected him before, of course, and while I had been jealous of him all the same, I truly realised how difficult it must be to reign over a country as the King of the Founders now that I had taken over my brother’s former tasks. 

He had to keep careful track of everything, from the relations between Species to the state of the castle. To make matters worse, the Demon World was still in a state of disorder. It was an extremely uncertain time. If he were to slack off, the different Species would perish in no time. Such a grim fate must be avoided at all costs—if it was not, we would be beyond saving.

As I sat brooding about this in my room, I suddenly heard footsteps coming near. Judging from the scent, it was her. I opened the door before she could knock.

“What’s up? Do you need me for—”

Before I finished speaking, she took my right hand in hers and gripped it tightly. In her other hand, she held a brown basket. My eyes widened at the sight of a water bottle hanging from a strap around her neck.

“Shin, let’s go on a picnic!”

A smile was plastered across her face as she spoke, only increasing my surprise. How many years had it been since I’d last gone on a picnic? The weather was certainly nice today, and I wanted to spend the day with her. However, documents were piling up on my desk.

“But I still have a lot to…”

“Do you really have to do all that today?”

I swallowed my reply when I saw the worried expression on her face. I almost wanted to say that yes, I wanted to get it done today, but as the thought formed in my mind, I knew that I didn’t need to.

I briefly turned over her invitation in my head before nodding and walking out the door.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

We left the castle behind us and spread the picnic mat on a low hill. I watched as she joyfully unpacked a variety of snacks and drinks. My face had unconsciously broken into a smile as well.

“Here, Shin, this is for you. I made many different kinds, so have some!”

I took a bite from the sandwich she held out to me. I’d known she was planning something from early this morning, but to think she’d been cooking… 

A pleasant taste flooded my mouth. I’d been way too busy lately, and I only now realised how long it had been since I got to spend time off like this. 

Maybe I’d been more anxious about my brother’s position as the King of the Founders than I thought. In my constant worrying about wanting to grow closer to him, to surpass him, I had neglected myself.

She had the rare talent of making me notice what’s truly important. No matter how bad things got, she remained by my side… and yet I had failed her as her partner.

“…I’m sorry.” 

When I quietly muttered my apology, she turned to look at me with a surprised expression.

“I became engrossed in my own stuff… and I didn’t spend enough time with you,” I continued.

“…That’s not true.”

She quietly grabbed my hand. The warmth of her body spread to mine through her palm.

“Shin, I know you always think of me dearly. But… I just want you to take care of yourself, too.”

I could never compete with her and her gentle smile. She always put me first. Her support is what got me to where I was today. 

I loved her from the bottom of my heart… and I wanted to make her happy.

“Thank you.”

As I stroked her hair, I leaned in and kissed her. Her shy smile, her extraordinary kindness… it made me want to make her mine forever.

“You made a lot of sandwiches, right? Feed them to me.”

“Hehe. Alright… Which flavour would you like?”

“I’ll eat all of them, so any will do… After I’ve eaten this one, I’ll feed you next.”

“Ah…! Y-you don’t have to…”

“You’re saying that, but I know you want me to.” I whispered, making her face turn red. 

I planted a kiss on her cheek, and took another bite of the sandwich.

#only kino's story left now! I'll post it on Saturday :) #and after that it's back on the novelization grind I think #diabolik lovers #dialovers #diabolik lovers translation #diabolik lovers translations #diahell #otomehonyaku #my translations #tsukinami shin #shin tsukinami #diabolik lovers lost eden #lost eden

[seventh-district]

not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill #well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst #like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc. #so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made #bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you #but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings #and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste #there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc #so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously) #but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything #if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is #which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose #anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate. #and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic! #if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it. #like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages #or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing #i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know #it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess #as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence #the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education #i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is- #writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl- #will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype #sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen #there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions #like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of- #'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity #like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem #but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak #who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad #and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur #research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a #bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way #i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit #i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like #i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt #wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide #stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the #predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing #i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh. #i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just #send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel #ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart #ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run #this body into the ground. like the good old days. #unrelated

[vulpixelates]

trying to find a balance between "module that's easy to understand and follow bc i am terrified of DMing and might cry" and "module that's not boring af especcially in the first adventure bc that might be as far as i manage to get through before losing my mind and i at least want my forever DM to have fun as a player for once" is killing me lmao

#apiewofoaiwjefaoijfew #i REALLY do not think she will find the beginning of waterdeep dragon heist compelling unless i make changes but like aoeifja #i'm so overwhelmed by the idea of making changes #i just want something i can follow from start to finish so i can MAYBE learn that DMing isn't as terrifying as i think it is 😭😭 #trying to desperately not to talk myself out of this lmao #uuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #she also suggested the lost mines module bc it's meant for newbies but i'm just like OIFJAEOWIFAOWIJEF #she doesn't even really use goblins in her own games she's not going to find this beginning part interesting at all 😭😭 #and i'm so nervous about any other modules bc it's just going to be her playing + an npc i'm controlling who is a fighter but like aofeijao #they still might get crushed even if i have her start at like level 3 for a level 1 adventure. i have no idea how any of this works anymore #idk OIFJAOEWIFAE the last time i tried to run stuff it was all homebrew and i was so fucking bad at it #i feel like everything i did made everyone miserable lmao #any time i tried to like just go w the flow it didn't work #esp bc i get so anxious about it aofiejaoijfwe #i am so not cut out for this but my wife literally never gets an opportunity to play and she has DM'd me almost every single day for like #five to six years now faoewijfaoiwjef she deserves a chance to play and has been really sad about not having one in the past #so i have to try at least #*dykeposting

[hollowflight-propaganda]

Me: has my sixth sudden crying spell of the week

Also me: "yeah but I'm probably not ACTUALLY depressed"

#gonna be honest boys. I have been feeling like dogshit #started with me having a good ol' existential spiral at 4 am a week ago and now I don't even know what's bothering me #and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything #all the abhorrent transphobia has been making me feel worried for the future #(as if the passing of time doesn't already horribly scare me but I digress) #idk man. I already feel like I'm unequipped for the future because I've realized I never thought I'd still be alive right now #majority of my childhood was filled with adults preaching at me to think about where I'd be going in the afterlife so I did just that #that plus they were the type to believe that the rapture is soon cause “the signs are all coming true” #so I always thought that either that would happen or I'd die before now #well. I'm still here and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. #and I'm lonely. really fucking lonely and I'm going mad cause of it #never had actual friends besides the kids I was with at my old private school. now they're all raging conservatives who mock minorities #I was able to get away but moving on isn't as easy as I hoped #it'd be so much easier to betray all my beliefs and act ignorant again so I can have my friends back #but of course I can't do that. I can't throw out who I am and all of the wonderful people I know who would be “sinful” in their eyes #idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years #fuck. sorry for this trauma dump of a post. I've just felt numb for months and now everything's catching up to me #needed to yell about it I guess #vent #phoenix prattles

[bunnihearted]

.

#ngl i am feeling veeeeery depressed rn #idk what to do.. i dont get *any* help at all w my mental health nd it just keeps getting worse #rn i feel like there is absolutely no hope at all. no hope for a better life. no hope for me to ever get better #no hope that i'll be ok. that the surgery will go ok. no hope that i'll ever get to move away from here #i feel so fkn stuck and i just dont have any energy or motivation to do anything at all #im so fkn anxious abt my health issue nd the surgery nd recovery #on top of that im so fkn stressed bc when smth like this happens i go completely non functional #so i dont know how to do my schoolwork now. i cant go to class bc i cant focus bc of the pain nd stuff #but if i dont do school what will happen w my wellfare?? #idk idk idk what to do there are just too many things #and there is absolutely NO FKN HELP AT ALL in this wretched society #no help. my mom does as much as she can but she's also sick nd deals w years long burnout #im at a point where i dont feel like i know how to keep going. i just wanna lie down nd give up #but then i might become homeless nd that'll be so fkn much worse so i have to do smth #i need to try to talk to school nd my wellfare worker but i dont expect help #they'll just tell me to suck up the pain nd do everything anyway so idk i dont even feel like trying #im feeling more depressed than ever and it doesnt matter if i ask for help bc there is none for me #i want to get out of this nd make a life for myself but idk how #and i see NO light at the end of the tunnel at all. no light whatsoever. everything feels fkn pitch black #everythings just bad nd it is contaminating my mind completely nd idk how to stop it #i cant even cry i just feel so empty yet overwhelmed i want it all to just stop i cant keep up cant do it anymore idk how #but ending it all takes too much effort. there rlly should be just a pill u get prescribed. it is inhumane to force ppl to go thru more suff #also i wont do that to my mom so like im stuck here either way. i dont want to feel like this i want to feel ok i want to feel hopeful #and bright nd like maybe there is a chance nd way for me i dont wanna feel.. utter despair

[felidthing]

things that are true at the same time:

valentines day is Fun Heart Shaped Candy Day and that is cool

the corporate side of valentines day fucking sucks and your love for someone cannot be measured solely by how much money you spend on them

it is very hard to avoid vday if you arent a fan of it and that is very frustrating

love and romance are largely wonderful things that deserve to be celebrated

you can choose to celebrate any kind of love on vday, whether its platonic or romantic or self-love or love for living or your pets or hobbies

gay people deserve to celebrate love whenever the hell they want

romance-averse/repulsed/ect and loveless people deserve their own spaces separate from vday if they dont like it

aromanticism is a spectrum and individuals have their own preferences and comfort levels

your experiences are not universal and that is good actually

#posts #i dont like ppl aggressively complaining about vday but i equally hate the other side of things #i am literally just vibing over here. i like pink heart things any day of the year and i dont even have the like #mental capacity to even do anything fro myself this year #most of my Opinion posts boil down to your experiences are not universal lol #its the insistence that the Other Side is Wrong And Bad that causes problems. you are all just people. these are strangers #i literally like. get physically uncomfortable and anxious sometimes when i see romance irl. and thats just my own thing i deal with #not anyones fault. u know?? i just have stuff going on w my romantic orientation and my brain that makes me short circuit #in a bad way #i only like fictional romance because its fake and moldable. lol

[yousaytomato]

Trying my hardest not to be anxious and sad about things that have already happened and that I can't do anything about now. But How

#woes of emily #work shit. which wasn't entirely my fault but was my fault enough and :( #like. if a customer is mad at me i dont care but when a colleague is it makes me sad and anxious and i hate it #and just. the way she dealt with me was bad idk #like she was like. i wouldn't have done that. you shouldn't do that. you should have noticed that #if you'd said i would have helped #like I'm still so new if im doing something wrong just tell me!! just step in!! just help #like now i can't even defend myself #and now I'm worried even though its probably fine #like either in a month i will have forgotten all about it #or. it'll be a big thing and I'll be fired from my job so <3 #maybe not actually fired but. it could be bad #but also. more likely. literally it will be fine forever idk :/ #it's just been a long week and I've felt like crying all afternoon #and i met up with my friend which was nice but now I'm two stupidly expensive cocktails deep #also also. i got a text saying that basically I'm no longer going to be registered with a gp practice #but thinking about doctor/medical stuff literally makes me want to kms sooooooooooooooo. not helping #sorry. feeling emotions and they're going here #need sleep. more than anything

[mars-ipan]

oh my fucking god i hate having an anxiety disorder

#marzivents #currently nonverbal bc the anxiety has made me Nauseous!!! #uh. if anyone has any tips on alleviating physical anxiety please do lmk #so sick of just sitting here stewing in it. i try to go do things so i don’t reinforce it and then i get so ill that i have to limit myself #and people say it’s not a big deal. bitch i cannot talk rn #and i want to!!! real bad!!! #ah well. at least i know why it’s happening this time. i don’t have to question my mental health on top of all this #i know it’s because i have GAD. that makes it a lot easier #still sucks though!!! i hate when i get these like. anxious periods #been an annoying few days man. maybe i’ll shower later #gonna keep rbs open but only if people have advice for dealing with this kinda stuff #bc i’m losing my mind i’m so pissed abt it

[arthur-r]

my fire opal converse arrived i’m screaming

#/hyperbole but the color is so perfect #i spent around twenty seconds screaming in a bad way because of how friggin white they are it scares me #like i don’t want to ruin them. i have owned two pairs of not-hand-me-down sneakers in my life and this is one of them #and so then i felt like a terrible person for doing purchases and wanting things and not just sticking with my old hand me down red converse #which are too small for me now and literally stained with blood. and also mud but the blood is the problem part #anyway mal blum voice oh my god look at all the stuff you got does it make your loneliness more bearable #but genuinely it kind of does. they’re my exact color it’s ridiculous guys. like it’s the color of my walls exactly #and they will make me taller so i can actually see at concerts and in the school hallway. and i’ll keep them forever #(this was an early christmas present from me to myself i put a bunch of tip money on my debit card and bought myself the shoes i’ve wanted) #they are custom because the color doesn’t come in regular converse you have to get a custom fall colors pair so i did #and so they’re lift platforms with a gold star logo patch and stripey gold and white laces it’s really cool #anyway they were supposed to arrive in time for the happy fits concert and they didn’t. but the concert didnt even happen for me so whatever #good news!!!! daisy the great is coming back this april on their first headlining tour it’s gonna be so cool #no news on the happy fits and i really want to see them and also meet them but they did say something about how they can’t wait to be back #so i hope that comes sooner rather than later and that i’m still minneapolis-adjacent enough to go #or i guess i might have to go to a show in chicago!! we grow and change with the times #anyway i’m kind of disjointed cause i woke up recently and also have been in an anxious spiral for like a week but we’re managing great #playing sudoku and being parented by my dad which means: sitting alone in my room with the door closed for hours on end #so i’m here if anybody needs me!! usually dad parenting comes with caring for my sister but she has gymnastics today so i’m like. here #anyway yeah i have these bright red-orange converse with gold on them and i’m gonna cry #i’ll post a picture soon if i’m feeling up to it they’re really exciting like almost enough to fix me #like it’s literally my color. it’s the color that i am. i’m going slightly insane about this (is insane already) #and i painted my electric guitar with nail polish so now the tuning pegs are sparkly red and it’s just a good time for the arthur community #period-induced paranoia that i thought i was done with put aside. and general anxiety put aside. the arthur community is doing great #do y’all remember mononokay by sorority noise? the arthurcore song? it still is. i’m listening to it rn and it still is #anyway idk what to say. i’m here and things are weird but i’m going back to school on monday and it won’t be as weird anymore. i hope #and i cleaned my room like actually deep cleaned it and it’s fixed now. my room is actually good now. how did that happen #anyway i want to go home but i am home. i should also eat breakfast. yeah. so i will do that now. yep #me. my post. mine. #friends only

[noxtivagus]

whwhajfjskskan

#ANOTHER CRISIS #this problem again #no like its fine ill do things at my own pace #but sometimes its rlly just so hard to start smth!!!!!!! #less than 1 month left till school starts again so #head in hands what do i do with my life #even tho im a mess rn i still get stuff done so thats nice at least #i've been learnigg by yonah's theme on the piano whenever i feel like it n that's been going well so far #i'll try to finally pick up a book again later #but my main problem rn is #i mean at the same time idrc but #i wna at least not just disappear of twitter but idk how to return #jut rip social anxiety #i've been at least somewhat using tumblr these days but all i've been doing is rambling n ranting n venting #but really i wna be more active on social media but #i'm seriously bad at being active. and i hate how it makes me anxious. and i'm bad at posting #T_T bcs at the same time i genuinely dont care ill just be myself #but taking all these steps are always so hard when there's a lot of things burdening me #and in the first place i don't have the energy aleeady to get things done #ill do it all ar my own pace but i sometimes just wish that it'll be easier and less painful #i need to be more efficient n i need it all to be better quality >>> #my traits n thoughts n actions n all awfully contradict each other in an oddly balanced way that just overwhelms n hurts me #AND THIS PAIN THIS LOOP... i feel like i have so many responsibilities n ffs these burdens overwhelm me smmmm #smth i struggle w so bad is the burden of these responsibilities and duties i feel i have. they weigh me down sm #n yk i try to do sm then idk i neglect myself n get burnout n worry too much n smth revitalizes my energy then repeat #like when i disappear or stop doing smth for a while it sux bcs im like OH I NEED TO CATCH UP ON THE TIME I LOST then boom that cycle ^^ #i need to stop wasting timeeeeee i need to get things done n make use of my potential #i'll never have the stars in the first place if i don't reach for them right? #fuck i rlly just have sm i want to do n it overwhelms me sm T_T im tired but ill be fine anxiety's just being especially mean to me rn wah

[yeleltaan]

//Hello everyone! Alright, here’s an update on things:

I’ve got one more exam to do before I’m done. The good news is that I’ve got plenty time to prepare it, and I’ve decided I’m not going to wait until then to do the things I want to do. That being said, I know it’s going to take me a little while to truly pick up the pace here and I’d like to give a little priority to adopting some healthy habits and improving my lifestyle.

There’s one thing I wanted to address though. I realize that I haven’t really engaged much with the dash and most blogs, both the newcomers and the returning faces (which, by the way, I’m very glad to see back- seriously, it’s lovely to see characters embark on new stories when they seemed to have reached a conclusion, and watching writers come back to the fandom after some time away).

Truth is, I’ve found the dash overwhelming lately. This comes partially from me being too busy to engage, and therefore experiencing something like FOMO because I can’t quite keep up with stuff and be a part of it. The Soulsborne RP community is either getting bigger or becoming more visible to me, and that’s great, but it does also present a challenge to me because if I’m engaged in your character and/or blog, I want to see what you do! I want to see all these things you’ve put effort into, I want to give you feedback, send an ask here and there, have my muse interact with yours!

If I give your post a like, I haven’t just looked at it. If it’s a drabble/headcanon/thread, I’ve read it and re-read it to get a good understanding of it and try to find whatever clues or references you’ve put in there. Perhaps it’d be better for me and the other mun if I gave likes more liberally, but I don’t know, it’s important to me that if I give your post a like, I’ve genuinely had a moment where I’ve stopped and paid attention to nothing but that exact post.

Anyways, where I’m getting with this is that I do feel rather bad that I haven’t quite been able to... welcome? you with the attention and energy I would have liked to have given you. I hope that despite the delay with which I approach you or continue our interactions, we can make up for lost time later.

I’m unsure how I’m going to handle this. I don’t intend to unfollow anyone because of this, as my issue isn’t a lack of interest but my difficulty displaying it and putting it into practice. I do think I’m going to keep a fairly passive attitude (for now) when it comes to seeking new RP partners though, because I cannot comfortably seek and approach some of the blogs I’ve seen mutuals interact with when I’m already struggling to give my time to said mutuals. I’ll still be happy to plot and write interactions with blogs that approach me though.

Anyways, thank you for your patience once more and hopefully it won’t take long for you to see me more here. May things go well for you!

#posting this at late hours (for me!) because I am driven by impulse #ooc #I'm also admittedly hesitant to start liking posts sometimes... it's silly but when I haven't really engaged with someone for a long time #it feels odd to break the ice with certain things. It's probably not worth it to think that way and I am working towards fixing that #working towards feeling less anxious about the simple stuff. Because we all need some feedback and interest from people to keep going #and feel appreciated #and I don't like that this flaw of mine gets in the way of me showing my appreciation to the things you put hard work into #nothing prompted this btw- it's just that I've been thinking about this a lot last year #and with the resurgence that came with Elden Ring. I hope people don't interpret my quietness like there's some 'bad blood' going on #I don't want to like... limit myself to one spot in the fandom either #I think that's one of the biggest factors to how I initially lost my drive to write Ornstein: got too comfortable in one spot of the fandom #so when most of those people started to leave or become inactive I had a really rough time approaching the others #even though I genuinely had nothing against any of them. I don't want that to happen here and I want to be engaged in the community #'Croc don't use the tags of your ooc post to add 50% of the information' challenge when #jokes aside. I hope you're all doing alright. Looking forward to making these posts less necessary! ^^ #also I hope the 'this is how I treat likes' part doesn't come off as pretentious. I only want to give a little perspective and clarify that

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage #everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me #bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check #and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info #and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less #expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school #which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there #like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away #or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town #and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown #but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets #its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn #or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep #i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time #so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b #agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling #like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult #cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive #allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity #unrelated

[strawbebyjam]

(,:

#do our brains not have a Okay That’s Enough Crying For One Day! sense #or is that just me #like girl you are getting NOTHING from being sensitive about all this #need to stay off socials and stuff like that because i keep getting content that makes me feel worse. can’t go on walks bc too anxious n #itd give me too much time to think. can’t focus on uni bc i keep crying. cant cry bc then i cant stop. cant talk abt it bc then i cant stop #and everything ends up reminding me of something and i dont know how to stop it and im trying so hard to HDNDBD i want to be good ablht thi #s so badly but i cant and im so scared i never will be i dont knlw who im honna turn i nto if im already losing it and its barely veen 2day #i just dont know what to do GDJDHDHD i really really eeally dont know where to go or what to do lr how to hide or how not to hide #or who to tell or how to or #like i’m just doing. so so bad. and i can onl y see myself doing worse #i just want to go scream HDDNHDDH i’m not mad it’s just So Much GDNDBD i just hate it here i think #and i’m. so worried and i have absolutely no right to be but i’m so worried and i’m so scared and i want. to fix everything sobadly #but its not in my control and its just. so crazily unfair HDNDBFFB **** have had to deal with so muchalready and its just not. fair like #idk i’m. things are so unfair and that’s a given but its so. #neg #mano.mindtalk

[smolskye]

i miss Attention and such but whenever I delve into fandom communities for like an hour randomly I come out like......are you guys even having fun. because it's supposed to be fun. also I can't sleep

#skye.txt #theres lots of stuff that i find very uncomfy and deliberately avoid. for example i would never ship buddy with anyone not even as an adult #*bc her being aroace is rly important to me and also funny. but im not losing sleep over ppl who feel differently i just will never interac #*w their work. same w other stuff i dislike. i just go 'that probably exists #*yuck!' and then move on and keep existing #i just. could not bring myself to care about what other ppl are doing. or care much at all. maybe its the depression #like. maybe its bc of my depression but i deliberately avoid and ignore and Do Not See It to things i dont like or that make me uncomfy #*bc life is already so depressing and sad #like. the Internet should be a place for fun (besides like hw/work stuff). if smth isnt fun just stop engaging with it #idk i think a lot of ppl would be less anxious and upset if they learned they could clear away the bad crap and focus on the stuff they lik #ok another example #i really really dont like trixie/starlight. i only ship starlight w twilight and i dont rly care about trixie. so i just blacklist the tag #and i dont follow ppl who post it or i hide the posts. thats it. and i write/read fic/headcanons that i do like. thats it!

[confetti-critter]

Dunno why I'm so reluctant to go out in public to do stuff I do all the time/ like doing, like going to the store. I've been stuck inside for like a week+ and I've been putting off going to the store. I should get my prescription and I'm running out of toothpaste+deodorant. Why can't I go to the store?

#why is doing anything ever Like This #tired of it :/ #also unrelated but i was going to empty the dishwasher+fill it but i keep thinking about that stuff my mum said now I'm really :/ :/ :/ #WHY did she have to be passive aggressive it's actively making me want to clean up less #like im home all day it makes sense for me to do that and i usually do and its fine but. ugh #erm. back to my post tho i dont really think of myself as socially anxious but maybe i am #i didn't think it was so bad #but i guess maybe it is since its so hard for me to go out sometimes. but maybe not since its hard for me to do anything ever #grrrrrrr i keep thinking about putting the dishes away and when my mum comes home she'll be like thank you for doing that #and she'll think i did it because of that time she was passive aggressive and she'll think thats how she can 'get me' to do stufffffffbnjcf #BUT IF I GO UPSTAIRS NOW ILL FORGET TO ACTUALLY DO IT. AGAIN #AAAAAAUUUUUURGHHIGCUGCIYF OOOOOOOGHHH FOUGKKKKKKK #personable