#any other did/otherwise plural folks please fucking shoot us an ask or reply or something typing this out has made us realize were losing it

[gorey]

it's really nice on a more serious note that we have these intrasystem relationships bc we (its two marriages - me and vince. virgil and victor. but all four of us are a thing together. and some other pairings of the less frequently fronting alters also exist) were literally made for each other the dynamics of these partnerships were cobbled together organically from what were once multiple sets of paired fictives and were in our development modeled on the deepest purest and most well-oiled visions of love that our developing self could find and we've only ever gotten better at it. all our dynamics with each other are unique and it allows us as a whole to still blossom in the aftermath of emotional neglect, coercion and later a much healthier but often conflict-ridden relationship outside our head. we've had the bar set high for us bc our not-shitty ex was also a system who had an intrasystem relationship with a protector alter

(sidebar our host doesn't roll that way they prefer to clock out and leave the sappy shit to us queens, they tried getting gay with virgil but it doesn't work bc like all four of us are significantly older in headspace than in body - I'm the youngest of the four at 29, virgil oldest at 33, host/body are 23 and the rest of the alters skew a bit younger except gulley who is literally. 65. - so the dynamics between us and orchid are a lot more that they have a bunch of fairy godparents who are all gay for each other)

but our ex was already familiar with how this shit works so we all had different dynamics with them and in turn other dynamics still with their headmates. it was on a level of complexity and intimacy that idk that we could ever reach with a singlet and in the aftermath of the heartbreak of that relationship falling apart we are. not on the dating scene at the moment for other reasons as well but like. orchid wants to love someone too. and that may be out of reach but you definitely can't say we live a loveless existence bc there are these healthy, communicative dynamics in place that are a safe zone. orchid often recedes and allows the four of us to just fuck around, it's very typically two or more of us fronting sometimes all four at once it's a pretty bang up job of integration bc prior to like 2021 communication among us was very stunted, blocked off, or vague and our identities hadn't fully congealed into our current setup which has been pretty consistent since like 2021 when we unrepressed the whole DID thing with help from aforementioned ex. but like. intrasystem shit is one thing but the ability to switch out intentionally or unintentionally and have someone there who just. knows. who we all are what our personalities and preferences and love languages are the space to cultivate a host of different dynamics in an intimate space with all of them being beheld as equally real, unique, legitimate, valid... we could try. we could try to teach someone without this internal experience how we work and maybe they'll be receptive and won't think we're doing some kind of LARP or whatever they'll be able to treat us all as people...we want to give that gift of love in multiplicity again. it is the deepest most vulnerable most healing thing we have experienced. what a thing to lose. our fault. but we will do better for the next person the only question is if the next person will fucking be able to keep up with us. will we have to offer a watered down, flattened version of ourself to them? not talk about when we switch, when there's multiple of us at once, assume that mask that we wear around everyone else where they call us all by one name and don't differentiate among us? as I have learned integration is not fusion we have integrated well but we are all very separate beasts and none of us want to hide behind the face of orchid who can barely handle fronting for more than a few hours at a time... our multiplicity is the root of our resilience. who will claim us

as we are?

if that never happens again so be it. we had the privilege of it once and at the very least we can be a self-sustaining circuit for as long as we need.

#a #s #sacha speakz #any other did/otherwise plural folks please fucking shoot us an ask or reply or something typing this out has made us realize were losing it