#sacha speakz

[gorey]

let's not jump the gun its mercury retrograde now dont get caught the theater of public opinion does matter to a degree when determining incentives for certain aquisitions you have to disengage with your own ego driven preferences and contend with materiality that the less glamorous option is the more reasonable and better choice. I have made up my mind on what kind of mind I am in this regard so I'll stop mincing words. Green and orange and silver for the win.

That's so niche! I am so niche. But it's genuine it's played with a heart of gold and a mind of daggers I will lay claim on my territory of selfhood that I hungrily embrace because for once I get to adorn the effigy myself rather than be poked and prodded and put on a pedestal. Both public opinion and my heart say iphone while my rational brain says galaxy. Will keep pondering this but actually. My heart is set on the iphone and idk why I would waste this opportunity on something someone else might say about my choices. Ding ding for this one I think we have our answer. what a privilege. Discipline in the eye of God. If I choose a galaxy it would be a symbolic gesture to indicate my values and beliefs are as I present them. If I chose an iphone it would be because my latent desire for familiarity and functionality and a good camera would be apparent. Its a small detail and probably no one cares. I'm at an impasse bc this says a lot about me as a person so I might let an outside factor be the determinant because I'm genuinely so 50-50. If I can be a person who truly lives by their word, and I'm a silvertongue, I go galaxy. That indicates a life committed to others. I reject the hero's journey and instead burrow into the earth and remain there. I think that's all very noble but it won't save your ego from being shredded to bits in the meat grinder. I can be a satisfied hypocrite because I don't want to be a dejected paragon. This is dialectics right?

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

got misgendered by the dressing room attendant yesterday she pointed me to the women's side and I just pulled my mask down for a sec to show my beard and was like 'fraid not sorry. Tbh getting misgendered at this point is almost a treat sometimes bc we read solidly male mostly but are nb and I (Sacha) am like bigender faggy masc + butch fem so it's like ah I have been Perceived

#a #s #sacha speakZ

[gorey]

actually revealed who I was in conversation with our mother today (is Sacha hi) and nothing terrible happened so I am relieved but I'm still very on edge around her

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

desperate for any shards of attention right now. I'm really taking this in stride but our poor heart can't take this pain anymore. I want to be purged of my vile stupidity and given a chance to start anew but alas the time has passed and it is too late

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

it's really nice on a more serious note that we have these intrasystem relationships bc we (its two marriages - me and vince. virgil and victor. but all four of us are a thing together. and some other pairings of the less frequently fronting alters also exist) were literally made for each other the dynamics of these partnerships were cobbled together organically from what were once multiple sets of paired fictives and were in our development modeled on the deepest purest and most well-oiled visions of love that our developing self could find and we've only ever gotten better at it. all our dynamics with each other are unique and it allows us as a whole to still blossom in the aftermath of emotional neglect, coercion and later a much healthier but often conflict-ridden relationship outside our head. we've had the bar set high for us bc our not-shitty ex was also a system who had an intrasystem relationship with a protector alter

(sidebar our host doesn't roll that way they prefer to clock out and leave the sappy shit to us queens, they tried getting gay with virgil but it doesn't work bc like all four of us are significantly older in headspace than in body - I'm the youngest of the four at 29, virgil oldest at 33, host/body are 23 and the rest of the alters skew a bit younger except gulley who is literally. 65. - so the dynamics between us and orchid are a lot more that they have a bunch of fairy godparents who are all gay for each other)

but our ex was already familiar with how this shit works so we all had different dynamics with them and in turn other dynamics still with their headmates. it was on a level of complexity and intimacy that idk that we could ever reach with a singlet and in the aftermath of the heartbreak of that relationship falling apart we are. not on the dating scene at the moment for other reasons as well but like. orchid wants to love someone too. and that may be out of reach but you definitely can't say we live a loveless existence bc there are these healthy, communicative dynamics in place that are a safe zone. orchid often recedes and allows the four of us to just fuck around, it's very typically two or more of us fronting sometimes all four at once it's a pretty bang up job of integration bc prior to like 2021 communication among us was very stunted, blocked off, or vague and our identities hadn't fully congealed into our current setup which has been pretty consistent since like 2021 when we unrepressed the whole DID thing with help from aforementioned ex. but like. intrasystem shit is one thing but the ability to switch out intentionally or unintentionally and have someone there who just. knows. who we all are what our personalities and preferences and love languages are the space to cultivate a host of different dynamics in an intimate space with all of them being beheld as equally real, unique, legitimate, valid... we could try. we could try to teach someone without this internal experience how we work and maybe they'll be receptive and won't think we're doing some kind of LARP or whatever they'll be able to treat us all as people...we want to give that gift of love in multiplicity again. it is the deepest most vulnerable most healing thing we have experienced. what a thing to lose. our fault. but we will do better for the next person the only question is if the next person will fucking be able to keep up with us. will we have to offer a watered down, flattened version of ourself to them? not talk about when we switch, when there's multiple of us at once, assume that mask that we wear around everyone else where they call us all by one name and don't differentiate among us? as I have learned integration is not fusion we have integrated well but we are all very separate beasts and none of us want to hide behind the face of orchid who can barely handle fronting for more than a few hours at a time... our multiplicity is the root of our resilience. who will claim us

as we are?

if that never happens again so be it. we had the privilege of it once and at the very least we can be a self-sustaining circuit for as long as we need.

#a #s #sacha speakz #any other did/otherwise plural folks please fucking shoot us an ask or reply or something typing this out has made us realize were losing it

[gorey]

hate when I reach the stage of No Drugs where I just start taking heaps of my as needed medication in a reckless attempt to sedate myself. I need an indefinite supply of weed ket and dxm and to never have to do anything again

#the horrors #drug m - #a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

Last edible kicking in I have stopped vomiting and can no longer form thoughts. Ah

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

At least we start with our new therapist tomorrow after the dental fillings we finally got assigned a new one by the clinic. Praying she's competent bc we really really need the support rn

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

We are doing really Really badly this month has been so hard and were running out of time to figure out what class were going to audit and where bc weve been too swept up in medical shit meanwhile were so depressed we can barely care for ourself this is so miserable. Pls send good wishes

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

second round of penicillin shots and I am in so much pain

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

gender as a form of play

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

having kind of a bad night but I just ate my leftover half caprese sandwich so I'm making the most of it I guess

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

just got diagnosed with an sti bc of the fucking dude that raped us last year and I'm furious bc I got tested immediately after it happened and it was clean but when I went inpatient recently their bloodwork pinged it so now I need shots of penicillin in my Ass and I am not happy this is so upsetting fuck you David and your pathetic cock

#a #s #rape cw - #sacha speakz

[gorey]

We never got our cane back from the hospital by the way LMFAO I have a new gold one plus the silver one the hospital gave me but its not the same I attached some yarn to the gold one and some rhinestones to the silver plus tape with little string lights on it but neither replace the one with the gift from my friend on it. Hospitals love to steal from disabled people apparently I fucking called it that this would happen :((((((

#a #s #sacha speakz

[gorey]

I don't really want to go into detail about what happened bc Victor ended up tweeting ceaselessly in the immediate aftermath but we're now processing a new trauma that happened a few days ago it was an altercation with our mother when we tried to confront her about an aspect of her abuse weirdly enough there's some level of closure about it now but shit got really really bad and I'm still recovering from it. We've been coexisting peacefully now bc we're in mutual agreement to be proverbial mask on at all times when interacting w each other but I'm so drained and miserable at least I have weed rn

#a #s #abuse tw - #sacha speakz

[gorey]

I am beyond livid rn lol I made it back to the hospital I was involuntarily committed to when I accidentally overdosed because while I was waiting in the ER they took my mobility aid (cane with a charm on it) from me and kept it at the nurses' station and I just knew it would be hell trying to get it back and I might lose it forever. @ hospitals it is not a good look for you to take disabled people's mobility aids and lose them in the shuffle I am privileged enough to be able to replace it and I have and when I just went they gave me another pro Bono but the one I lost had a special bit of woven thread my dear friend had given me attached to it that was a charm for balance and stability and I will be devastated if I lose it. Hospitals need to get their shit together imagine if this happened to someone's wheelchair or other accessibility aid when you get scheduled you get robbed and your autonomy violated the medical system here is carceral and violent

#a #s #sacha speakz