#anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar
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they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh
#i mean what mental illness isn't dosghit#anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar#that's what my therapist thinks anyways. and it makes sense considering the lil manic episodes i have#so um. that fucking sucks but it also explains everything so its fine really#like i really really want to do drugs actually#i mean i am just so sad and empty feeling#i'm working on art but nothing i'm making means anything#can i just get permission to do a shit ton of stimulants#i am sooooooo bored#i'm really trying to make myself feel better here but only with things that'll do it instantly#anyways i want to not smoke because i am running out of weed and money#but i'm gonna smoke delta 8 anyways rn because even after all this caffeine etc i feel nothing and i need something#honestly can i just pass away though. i am so pathetic#or can i actually become hypo manic again. because at least i felt something#anyways does anyone want to be friends with me even though i am severely mentally ill#or can someone give me some dopamine/serotonin. i feel like shit#vent
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TW: Self-harm and general fuckery
Maybe I just want to have more problems than I actually have. Maybe I'm just attention-seeking. People always accuse people of that. Maybe I'm doing it too. Here's where I'm at rn though.
I think I have BPD and here's why. Please excuse me for a really really long post.
I grew up with a decent childhood. I thought. I mean, I have so many good memories. My mom didn't hate me or make me feel like shit. She just let others do it for her. I was abandoned by her. I was bullied by my brother my whole life. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I was moved from NC to CO when I was 10. We moved to a small mtn town of like 300 people. My mom worked an hour away and I went to school with people I couldn't spend any time with even if they wanted to spend time with me (unlikely). My mom had 2 different relationships with 2 alcoholics and the 2nd one stuck. I'm about 12 or 13 now and we move to a bigger place, but now my mom works an hour and a half away (slightly further). I now only see my mom for about 4 hrs a day and am primarily raised by an alcoholic. He yells at me a lot for not being good enough at school and this just makes me struggle more. I struggle with finding a group of friends through middle school. I chalk it up to being the new kid for the millionth time in my life (or so it feels). I started smoking at 11 btw. I meet my S/O in high school in marching band. We have a good relationship (or so I thought). I have a lot of anger issues that started in high school. I blame others for my anger. They did something wrong to make me mad. I don't know what to do with myself after high school. I dont know what i want. I join the army because that's what we do in my family. I start drinking in my sophomore year of hs and it gets worse in the army. I sabotage my relationship, but because my S/O has mental health problems they stay anyway. I'm constantly wondering what others think of me and assume they don't like me, but have to put up with me anyway because I won't take a hint and leave. I cut myself for the first time when I'm about 20 or so. I'm 23, I get out of the military to go to college. I don't know what I'm doing but maybe I can own a business (maybe in the weed industry. It's legal now). I go to college full time 15 credits, I do Uber, then food delivery, then I get a pt job. I'm struggling. I do great first semester. I stop function and fall into depression, lose my job, fail out of college. I didnt give up. I'm going to get a massage license. I do it. I go back to college so I can own a spa one day. I'm not good enough to do that, but my technical skills and knowledge say otherwise so maybe I can. I probably can't. I haven't held a normal job since the army. My marriage is getting kinda bad (lol, kinda). I'm 25 now. I end my marriage like it's nothing. I get pretty manic (hey I'm bipolar!). I didn't want to end my marriage, can I have it back plz? I know I hurt you again. (like for the billion and oneth time). I'm sorry (just like last time). It won't happen again. Look I'm on meds for bipolar. (It happens again...and again). How do I stop? Therapist barely gets back with me and now I'm not sure I like her, but I have to stick with it because I'm probably just overthinking things. She probably doesn't dislike me because I missed an appointment, but she doesn't get back to me so that's all I can think.
These are just the cliff notes.
I fear abandonment. I have unstable relationships. I regard my S/O as perfect (compared to me at least. I know they aren't) (not just marriage but with friends too). Self image? What's that? (Look humor). I'm impulsive and self destructive (just not in your garden variety impulsive ways). I have self harmed multiple times in my life and I want to rn and am somehow managing not to. EXTREME mood swings with a capital fuck me. I feel empty often enough, but not lately...maybe... I'm explosive af (Like this morning actually). I've wondered if this was real at one point (or maybe more than once).
Idk, I don't have PTSD so this isn't BPD. I'm just looking for another gold star mental illness. Right? Tell me I'm crazy for thinking all of this. Plz. I don't want this. Yet I do because maybe it explains things. Maybe I have a reason for being a bad person. I'm a bad person, right? I really screwed my life up. It is in literal shambles and I try to put the pieces back, but i just knock them over when i get a few put back.
Can anyone help?
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