#because i am fat and i lost weight and shouldnt i just. keep starving?

[sucharide]

potentially triggering stuff in the tags. I'd do a readmore but I'm on mobile. Excuse the typos - can't edit tags on mobile.

#bc like food stuff and stuff about eating can be triggering!!!! #eating issues and weight issues stuff #i overshare 🫶🫶 #anyway here we go just having some Thoughts #anyway its just. hard growing up in a fat body. and growing up in a fatphobic world #like im finally able to get a decent amount of food down now that the gut rot feeling has mostly passed #and you know the feeling thst i feel creeping up on me? #disappointment. #because i had starving myself and isnt thst what i a fat woman should be doing anyway???? #and now i am EATING? i feel ashamed #isnt that fucking hideous #my fatness is not a moral statement about me. i am not unworthy due to my fatness. #and yet. part of me. that insidious terrible part. hoped that maybe my unwellness would not pass #because it would mean that i would not eat more than few hundred calories a day and i would drop weight. #anyway. im eating. it tastes good. i need food in my tummy to study effectively. #i just cant shake the feeling of shame #it's just like. i feel like starving myself was somehow Correct (it wasnt i was just physically ill) #and that eating agsin is Wrong #because i am fat and i lost weight and shouldnt i just. keep starving? #idk. fuck man its just like you grow up learning that fatness is synonymous with unloveability #anyway these ideas get in at such a young age and its so hard to shake them even tho i LOVE fatness!!!! fatness is beautiful and soft!!! #MY fatness is beautiful and soft!!!!!!!! #but the voice is just. loud and horrible you know? #anyway its fine i totally didnt just cry my way through a microwave shepherds pie. #(i'm fine i just. i dont keep words in my head well. they have to go somewhere.)

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

#moth post #ed tw #sh tw