#blu vent

[maverickcalf]

Currently want snuggles, sad knowing i will never get them

#lonely hours #blu vent

[blubushie]

Weird as hell being told another man would hold you and rock you and getting emotional about it. Especially when you haven't been held by another bloke like that since you were a child. And that boy also stopped being your friend because he found out you liked boys and was cool with it until you liked him too and then you stopped being The Good Faggot and just became a faggot.

What the fuck do you mean I'm a human being with human emotions and it's ok to want to be held by another man without judgement or him thinking a certain way about me. No that's gay shit that's for those feminine gays that's not me. I don't want that I don't NEED that I don't need ANYONE actually and I'm fine being alone forever and never even looking at another man and wishing he'd hold me cuz that's gay.

But the thought persists and I think of men I've known and spent time around and if they act a certain way or look a certain way I inherently feel INFERIOR and it's a constant need to prove myself and my masculinity to them so they don't think I'm one of those other men. And there's nothing wrong with being one of those other men, it's just that that's NOT ME but everyone ASSUMES IT IS because of how I look. If a bloke is taller than me I can't be short girlfriend. If a bloke is taller than me I can't be the bottom during a root. If a bloke is taller or smarter or more masculine I constantly have to prove that I can compete, I can endure, I can be just like him and BETTER because if I DON'T I'm not man enough, I'm not male enough, my chromosomes betray me and I'm the girl I was genetically supposed to be before my anatomy fucked itself and I constantly have to PROVE. If I wasn't short if I wasn't intersex and I FAILED it would just be lack of skill or lack of a something else but it wouldn't be "because you were supposed to have been born a girl and your chromosomes and height reflect that."

But it means I miss out. I haven't been held by another man for 8 years. I've never danced with another man because I'd be the one holding onto him due to the height difference. And it enrages me. I want to I want to I want to but I CAN'T because more than I want to be held, more than I want to be danced with, more than I want to be kissed and assured and hugged and have fingers through my hair, more than anything I want to be seen as equal.

And I'll never be. And that really really sucks. And I wonder how many years are gonna keep going by where I don't let myself do things I want or need because despite my fear of how people perceive me I AM a man and my status is everything. I can't be lesser than and I don't want to be.

I HAVE to prove I'm better I HAVE to prove I'm more capable I have to prove it to myself or to the men around me or to the women or to GOD HERSELF that I am more than the sum of my parts I am more than the body she put me in I can rise above whatever fucking curse this is and be good. It's not enough to be good. I need to be BETTER. Better than I thought I could be, better than everyone around me, better than anyone ever thought I could be it's not enough to be good at something I have to excel I have to be THE BEST AT WHAT I DO or it's not enough. I don't want what they have I don't want to be them I wanna be better. I need to be better.

If I was tall I'd just be some bloke. If I was perisex I'd just be some bloke. But I'm not. I'm a short intersex man and so EVERYTHING is entwined, EVERYTHING is a catch, I am the short feminine bottom except that's NOT ME. That's all anyone ever assumes upon meeting me and trying to hook up and the amount of times I've gotten people ANGRY WITH ME for telling them that I don't bottom is insane. You wouldn't make that assumption if I wasn't short and androgynous!

So I just don't do things and it builds and it builds and it builds and then I'm told that yeah actually another man WOULD slow dance with me and hold me and press his face into my hair and he WOULDN'T think any different of me about it because I might like to be held sometimes I think that's pretty human but I'm also the bloke who hunts dangerous animals and is a fucking good shot and gets in pub fights and can sink piss better than anybody and can track anything that leaves a trail and can skin a rabbit in ten seconds and ties his own flies for fishing and I'm CAPABLE and my need for physical affection or the desire to just be HELD by another man doesn't change that.

And I'm left staring at my phone and crying and wondering why I'm so emotional and if maybe I really am just a faggot because men don't cry over just being held by someone. Even if it has been eight years. Even if he's desperate to just not feel alone for once. Even if.

But god, do I want to.

It's ok to reblog this but please DO NOT tag it with any trans tags. I love my trans siblings and I get that we might have similar experiences in some areas, but this is explicitly about my experience as an intersex man and homophobia I experienced growing up as a boy who was attracted to other boys, and how it's affected me as an adult man. I'd like that to be respected. You cannot separate this post from my experiences as an intersex man. Thank you.

#blu a fuse #intersex #homophobia #vent #i'm tagging it as that because i'm putting it in bigger tags

[tyrianludaship]

Channeled the energy of being a hater to such a extent that I got psychic damage and now I have a headache fuck

#if u saw blu's post that i reblogged you know why #but seriously some of the behaviors in the tf2 fandom are really bad and very very tiring #look maybe if y'all behaved i wouldn't complain #slight vent ig #just me talking

[plushpyromoved]

I told him he should quit that sketchy scene he said:

#first art of my blu scout oc itz a little out of character but weh so it is with vent art #[im feeling better now dont worry] #tf2 #tf2 oc #tf2 scout #🔥.art #oc: scooter #mumbles oc tag

[blu-s0da]

tics are supposedly "unvoluntary" not "involuntary" but how the hell am i supposed to suppress them if they're completely random

#blu-s0da's-bullshit #tics #vent or something idfk #every once in a while i get in a funk about my tic and do research to make myself feel better #and i'm beginning to think the recent article i read was a little biased #can you hold back your tics? yeah sure. #should you? probably not. can be painful for some people. #and it's certainly not a reliable strategy for people with tourettes. pretty much impossible from what i've heard #anyway i've been ticcing like crazy ALL FUCKING DAY and not once have i been able to properly suppress it. #i can do the half grimace/full blink instead of the grimace flinch/wink but like. it's still a tic. so . lose-lose #sigh

[emmetofthestars]

i look myself in the eyes through the mirror of the sink. my hair is even. my curl sits nicely on my forehead. my glasses are crooked. i fix them and now everything is perfect.

my pocket mirror is not clean. on the battlefield i stand, unable to look past the stains on my mirror. i have no cloth to clean it with. i wipe it with my coat, but now it is simply smudged. i shudder increasingly. my mirror is not broken, yet i cannot see my own face.

while i scrub my mirror clean, once i look back up again at the mirror of the sink, i see my hair undone, my curl straightened, and my glasses crooked. i stop thinking about it. i stop thinking about it. i cant stop thinking about it. i want to shatter the mirror of the sink and hope that it was the mirrors fault.

as my mirror loses its blemishes, i stare at the blemishes that my face has retained. i even my hair. i roll my curl. i fix my glasses. i stop thinking about it. as i lay in bed i stop thinking about it.

i cant stop thinking about it.

#this is about blu medic #not a vent lol #i always say i want to write but i dont really do it. i just did it now #and i wrote it on tumblr instead of docs so #now you guys get to see it #emmet writes

[plaguerenamon]

Was watching and listening to a 38 hour long video essay about a show from the 60s. It was very good and very funny, it brought me back to a lot of childhood shows. Even learned a lot from it, like how the model train used for filming in Petticoat Junction was made by the same person who built the original Starship Enterprise from StarTrek. I would highly recommend it...

But it got taken down because, of course, a video essay of a 60+ year old show that is mostly in public domain required a copyright strike from a company who's lawyers were probably not even graduated from elementary at the time.

#blu #my thoughts #i am very disappointed in those people #felt like I had to vent somewhere #i was on hour 21 of course i was invested in the video

[abluehappyface]

I am going to FORCE myself to understand Dimensional Analysis if it is the LAST thing I do BEFORE MONDAY I SWEAR-

#bluey's mad at herself #bluey's not understanding something that should be FUCKING SIMPLE #bluey's been bad at this before during 2020 online learning #and he WON'T let his previous chemistry teacher prove him an idiot #AGAIN #bluey's vents #bluey's confused #bluey's life #bluey's just so DONE with not understanding this #bluey's fumbling here #bluey's dumb dumb brain #bluey's shenanigans #bluey's at a weird place #bluey's over this #bluey's is very annoyed about this #bluey's rants #bluey's rambling #bluey's emotions #bluey's wondering why they don't understand SHIT #bluey's questioning how something so simple ISN'T ADDING UP to blu! #LIKE WHY ME OF ALL PEOPLE AAAARRRGGH!

[sunsrefuge]

cool !!! cool cool cool.

#info in tags. probably a vent too. just. as heads up. #pet negligence tw #pet injury tw #pet abuse tw #/rambling #/to be deleted #so um. well. my brother has been taking care of my dogs. #and now blu is puking up pieces of her crate. like shes been EATING IT. and i went and looked and its so fucking obvious where she’s ESTING #and he hasnt SAID or DONE ANYTHING !!!! #if my dog dies because of his negligence i might. literally kill him myself. #i cant stay in this house anymore i Need to move out as soon as i can. i Have to #for my sake and for my pets’ sake. theyre the butt of every joke #my parents have been joking about cooking my cat since i got her seven years age #ago** — even though shes the only thing that kept me ALIVE at that point #and my mother is more worrief about the expensive couch being ‘ruined’ than BLU POSSIBLY DYING. #i cant do this. i need to figure out what i can do and put out at a reasonable rate to like. open up a ko-fi or something #i dont know. i dont know but i have to do SOMETHING.

[pensarecool2]

Been disassociating a lot lately and its really confusing and bad. I hate it so much. Trying to figure it out. Can barely stay attached to reality. Terrifying. Confusing.

#sppk 🦑 #the squid system 🦑 #vent tag #dissociative amnesia #actually dissociative #ptsd flashbacks #did system vent #endos do not interact #blurry ❓🦑 #crowded front 💀🦑 #Fern 🐺🦑 #Blu 🟣🦑 #Alice 🥕🦑 #Gale 🥊🦑 #Jenny 🐈🦑 #Silver 💍🦑 #Star 💫 🦑

[maverickcalf]

how do you tell your friends you miss them without seeming like a weirdo who thinks about their friends all the time and you know they don't think about you?

#or they do and it's just a stalemate #blu vent

[binch-i-might-be]

dude why are blu ray players so expensive?? dvd players are available for under 50 bucks but blu ray players are double that? are you telling me people are still buying blu rays??

#i was just checking because the only way i have to play blu rays are via my ps4 and that thing gets really loud #like the vents and shit #and it's also a ging console and not made for watching movies or streaming so the energy efficiency is not very good lmao #but like if you want to buy a movie today sometime it'll only be available in blu ray and not dvd #i own a region free dvd player and that cost me 35 bucks like four years ago but i can't get a blu ray player 😭 #rayrambles

[bamboozledchaos]

What’s up with being paralysed and then hyper and finally able to log onto tumble whenever it’s that time of the month woag

#good news being I might be able to read your posts #bad news being I cannot oratrice my way into moving freely at all and become a statue for a while #giving red vs blu tf2 that rhymes ayy #vent #<- maybe??? does this count #cw period mention

[savedbyz3r0]

I think that Elon Musk should be publicly flogged w a cat o' nine tails dipped in a mixture of salt and and lemon juice, have his face skinned while he's still conscious a la Funky Town, and then be drawn and quartered

#Blu In The Vents

[brainrot-yumm]

HEYYYY GUESS WHICH LOSER ISN’T SURE WHAT THE CONVOLUTED FEELINGS THEY HAVE FOR THEIR BESTIE MEAN AGAINNNN HHHHH

I”M SO TIRED OF THIS

LIke what do I actually do???? Im actually going insane do I have deeper feelings for her or do I not?????? Please tell me aaahugh I’m dissolving out of stress/confusion

Okay so I feel safe and comfy with her and I want to be with her forever and I really want to be vulnerable with her and I want to be a better person so that I can better match the person she sees me as (she falsely sees me very highly lol) and I think she’s pretty and sweet and smart and I trust her with my life and I even want to cuddle with her (and I don’t like touching people) and if she asked me out again, romantic or otherwise, I'd jump on it immediately and I feel like we’re inevitable and the concept of a world without her makes me legitimately want to cry 

BUT LIKE aren’t “deeper” or “romantic” or whatever feelings supposed to be intense and overwhelming and shit? I feel absolutely nothing when I’m with her, I just feel a bit safe n comfy n happy but that’s cause I trust her as a friend right?? It’s quite literally when I go back home that I start to overthink and swoon and shit but that could so fucking easily be my intrusive ass thoughts??? RIGHT???? 

And like part of this shit is fucking with me so much cause I’ve done this before. I’ve made myself think I had romantic feelings SO MANY TIMES before and been creepy and weird, or else I made a move and then immediately realized that I didn’t have any feelings at all. So It’s like, no this doesn’t feel like the trickster excitement or bubbles or whatever love is supposed to actually feel like, but I Don’t Know. I’d rather jump off a cliff than make this girl cry because whoopsie! guess the feelings weren’t real again. Like she matters to me. I’d want to live with her forever regardless if I had dumb feelings attached, completely honestly. It feels like she’s perfect for me. But these aren’t emotionally charged feelings at ALL. These are just facts. It’s just the truth, it doesn’t feel any more wild or heart stopping than being told that the sun is a star

So like????????? Is it just that I don’t feel love correctly that I show it this way? Is it legitimately a trick and I’m just extraordinarily lonely after not seeing her in person for almost two years? Is it legitimately genuine and I’m being a fucking doorknob? ?????????????????????

help

#crush vent #I absolutely despise being as emotionallly useless as I am #because then it leads me to situations like this #where I go insane and get extremely behind on work bc I'm more busy googling what love feels like and only half-agreeing with the results #God I'm so fucking complicated #I piss even myself off by being so stupidly convoluted #splat chat by blu

[doiliez]

drawing kh characters do be awful bc i keep trying to give them hair vents

#blu's mumkes #wym everyone has bangs that dont have vents. what. #anyways ive been trying to learn to draw more ppl that just demyx #one day i will learn 2 draw my 1....