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bobbyseyesmile · 5 years

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Innocent Liar [M]

If you had to describe Lee Minhyuk with a few words it would have been: shy, cute, always caring, funny, sweet. Just stuff like that, but never in one million years you would have called him sexy, mysterious or dominant.

He just wasn't the type for this, I mean, you knew him like the back of your hand. You shared your half life with this goof!

But apparently Minhyuk had enough of that. Oh, so you thought he was sweet and innocent? Shy and cute instead of dominant?

Well okay. Just wait till he proves you wrong.

GENRE: Smut (a lot of swearing, spanking, filthy smut and basically it's just Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but with Lee Minhyuk)

"What did you just suggest?" you asked in disbelief, your eyes fixated on your best friend who just shrugged her shoulders while she shoved another spoon of Mac'n'Cheese on her tablet.

"Come on, he's not that bad. He's kinda cute tho. Just ask him if he's your date, it's just for an evening, Y/N." she answered and turned around to find an empty spot in the overcrowded cafeteria of your school.

"He's not bad, not even a bit! Also, that's not what I meant but... but..."

"But what? He's too mushy and weak?" she raised an eyebrow and you nodded, devastated that you just exposed one of the nicest people on god's earth:

Lee Minhyuk.

The thing was, Minhyuk wasn't bad or unpleasant, he was a funny and lighthearted boy who could cheer up a whole crowd with a single smile. But that was it. He was just the boy from next door who remained your friend since kindergarten, never have you thought about him in a... let's say romantic or even erotic way.

Not that he lacked of looks or something, his face was cute and his smile pearly white. But still. He was just a big goof, not sexy or overly manly...

"I feel bad for admitting but it's true... I want someone like the new student. What was his name again?" you bit your lip and your friend laughed.

"Jackson. But believe me, he's practically like Minhyuk just with sixpack. Also these two are inseparable since Jackson showed up."

"Fine, then... what about the cute guy from the library?"

"Namjoon? Or do you mean Jongup? The first one is an Albert Einstein and the second is hot but shyer than Troy Bolton when he had to sing for the first time in High School Musical."

"Uuuugh..." you groaned and covered your face with both hands. "I'm going to be a single loser on that damn prom..."

Suddenly a familiar voice was behind you. "Hey ladies!"

"Hey Min." your friend said and you groaned something what could have been a 'Hi' or a 'God dammit'. Nothing in between.

"What's wrong, honey?" he asked and softly nudged your side. "Is she okay?"

"Yes, just dramatic because she doesn't have a date for the prom tomorrow."

"Oh... well, me neither. We can go together, Y/N." Minhyuk said and you slowly raised your face but instead of answering him, you looked to your friend who had the biggest shit eating grin ever on her face. Great...

"Yeah... why not." you mumbled and stood up before he could respond anything else. "We see us later, I'm heading to math."

You couldn't even concentrate once in class, the whole day circled around thoughts of Minhyuk, the prom, your dress and... Minyhuk. Why did he had to ask? You didn't want to hurt him, that's why you said yes, but otherwise it couldn't be that bad, right? He was your friend. Your good looking but goof friend, Lee Minhyuk.

This was going to end in a disaster...

Calm down, Y/N... you thought to yourself... it's just for an evening and you don't have to kiss him or anything weird, it will be okay...

Minhyuk was confused of your behavior. The next day you avoided his looks or hurried away with lame excuses when he wanted to talk to you. It was just frustrating for him...

"Hey Emma." he smiled when he detected your friend in the school hall, next to her locker. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Hey Min! Sure thing, what's up?" she smiled back and put her books away before she turned towards him.

"Uhm... you know, it's because of Y/N." he began and rubbed his neck. "I don't know how to explain but her attitude is really weird since I asked her for the prom. Do you know why?"

"I can't believe why she wouldn't just tell you, ugh..." she whispered more to herself but he had heard it.

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing. Uhm... I don't know what's wrong with her, maybe her hormones are going crazy but she's looking for a boyfriend who is... a little bit more... manly?" Emmas perfect eyebrow lifted and she shrugged her shoulders.

"Manly? What does that even mean?"

"Come on Min... A boy like Jackson or Namjoon from the library, just a guy who's existence screams 'Daddy'."

"Seriously? Daddy? Emma, you're too much on Tumblr reading all this shit." Minhyuk laughed and she shrugged her shoulders again but smiled.

"Well, we all have our flaws. I think Y/N just wants a man who takes the lead, you know, being all cute and sweet with her but also a little bit dominating. She's just desperate I guess, her last relationship wasn't a lottery win..."

"Yeah I know, this loser broke her heart... and I swear to god, I wanted to break his face this time."

"Maybe you should have." She suddenly said and Minhyuk's eyebrows curled in confusion.

"What? Why?"

"Maybe then Y/N would stop seeing you as the cute little boy from Kindergarten, Min. Take her to the prom tonight and maybe show her that you grew up. You know what I mean." Emma winked and then turned around and left, a still confused, Minhyuk back.

The next morning was good and bad.

Good because you slept well and dreamed something nice of the cute guy from the school library. What was his name again? God, your hormones were so confused, you only remembered his well built chest, not even his name...

Bad because the first thing you saw, when you woke up, was a message from Minhyuk.

He told you at what time he would pick you up and that you should be ready at exactly that time. It was a strange message and you had an even stranger feeling about it- why didn't he used any Emojis like he always did?

Why did his message felt cold and harsh instead of bubbly and cheerful like the Minhyuk you knew? The usual Min would have written a whole letter and put a face after every second sentence to emphasize his feelings. But today he just wrote a single sentence, without even saying 'Good Morning' or something similar.

Maybe he hadn't slept good, you thought to yourself while finally moving out of the bed to walk downstairs for breakfast. You made yourself something to eat, took a big mug full of coffee and then dropped yourself on the sofa right in front of your TV where you spent the next hours just chilling.

Meanwhile your phone lay on the bed upstairs while counting the incoming calls and texts of Minhyuk.

You opened your eyes and yawned while you caught the time of the clock on your wall. Shit. You fell asleep and had exactly 1 hour left before Min would arrive.

"Shit shit shit!" you stumbled cursing in your bathroom while hopping in the shower, toothbrush in your mouth while you washed your hair.

This was a mild disaster to say the least, a girl needs time, right? Especially when it's her prom!

But it wouldn't be that bad, or? First of all, Min wouldn't be on time, he just never was! You knew this boy your whole life and never did you ever witnessed him being punctual.

Second, the first hours of the prom were always boring as hell, the teachers tried to be strict and coordinate everything but in the end everyone was just drunk. Especially the teachers.

Meanwhile Minhyuk stood in front of your door, ringing the doorbell for the third time now. Or was it the fourth? He wasn't sure anymore, only thing he knew was that he grew slowly but surely inpatient and annoyed. But on the other hand he was also concerned: Was everything okay? Did something happen?

You haven't picked up his calls either... or replied to a single one of his messages.

"Everything alright?" a sudden voice asked behind him. Minhyuk turned around and saw another man, your neighbor, standing in his door.

"Oh, Hi. I don't know, I'm here to pick up a friend but she's not answering my calls and won't open the door so I'm a bit concerned now." He explained and the man raised an eyebrow while smiling.

"Oh you mean Y/N? I saw her today, she looked for her mail in the morning. But I have a spare key for her apartment, you can use it."

"Why do you have a spare key for Y/N's apartment?" The question left Minhyuk's lips faster than he could stop it and it also sounded kinda pissed. But he couldn't help it.

He felt a weird feeling in his stomach, it made him angry and..... jealous?

"Don't worry dude, I often water her plants. She's barely at home, she always stays late at school for her exams."

"I know." Minhyuk said trough clenched teeth. "I'm the one who always drives her home."

"Oh, now I see! She did mention you one day, told me about how good you look. You're Jackson, her boyfriend, right?" the guy asked and Minhyuk nearly choked on air.

"W-what? I mean... I'm... yeah." He just answered and the guy nodded. Now he was sure that it was jealousy that he felt. Very sure.

"Alright. Here's the key, greet Y/N for me, yes? See ya."

He took a deep breath and opened your door. He was fucking furious now, you mentioned Jackson to your neighbor! And didn't your friend yesterday mentioned Namjoon, from the library? Holy shit girl, what did you even want? And why the hell did he feel jealous?

"Y/N!" he called and heard a curse from upstairs. "Y/N, are you here?"

"Minhyuk?" you asked and your eyes widened in surprise.

He really tried not to look down but he couldn't help himself when he saw you nearly naked and in just a small towel around your body. Were you always this hot? He never noticed before but never did he saw you wet and nearly naked in front of him. He gulped slowly and your eyes caught the little movement of his Adam's apple.

"How did you...?" you began but he just cut you off by saying:

"I got the spare key from your neighbor because I was concerned. You didn't picked up your phone or open the door."

"Y-yeah uhm... I fell asleep and forgot the time... I'm sorry." you gave him a small smile and Minhyuk felt like his whole body melted inside him. He wanted to smile back, telling you it's alright and that you should take your time. But something held him back, the bubbly side of him disappeared as soon as he heard of Jackson and he felt that it wouldn't come back in the next time.

Right now he was fucking pissed and the main reason stood in front of him- barely dressed.

"Your neighbor could have walked inside here and would find you nearly naked."

"What?" you raised your eyebrows. "What are you saying? Gosh, you're being strange again, Min. Just sit down and wait, I'll hurry up."

And maybe he would have listened to your suggestion if you wouldn't have done the only thing that could made him explode within a second: You rolled your eyes at him.

Minhyuk took a big step forwards you and suddenly there was a strange atmosphere inside the small room. He didn't seem to stop after seeing you backing away from him, quite the opposite, it made him feel some kind of things. Things he imagined when he was home alone, under the shower, not when he stood in your apartment a few steps apart from your body.

"You should have hurried your ass hours ago-" his voice had an menacing undertone and now it was you who gulped "I told you to be finished when I pick you up!"

"Stop yelling at me..." you whined and slowly moved away from him but then your back hit the wall, his face now just inches apart from your own. Without thinking about it, you licked your lips, trying to calm your nervousness and... Wait, why did you feel nervous? When did you start to tremble when you look in the eyes of your best friend and why the hell did your legs clench around nothing?

"Hmm..." he murmured and you saw that he noticed the movements of your legs. "What's wrong, love? Am I making you nervous?"

"N-No?" you stuttered back but it only make him smirk while he cocked an eyebrow.

"Oh? Then why are you trembling?"

"I-I'm just c-cold from the shower..." It was a poor excuse, even you knew that and he didn't believe you. It amused him to seeing you squirm so much, since when did he had some much power over you?

"Well, maybe then you shouldn't be half naked in front of me, hm?" His voice dropped an octave and suddenly you whined in return. It was just a small sound but it did things to him and the growing problem in his pants he had since he first saw you in that towel.

You didn't stop him when his hand moved for your towel, slowly caressing your sides. And then you made eye contact and his palm rested on your hip, fidgeting with the soft fabric.

The moment you felt the towel loosening, you knew you should have said something, maybe even stop his movements- but you didn't.

"Minhyuk..." you whispered and heard him gulp. You didn't even know what to say, so you just stood there. Completely naked and exposed in front of him. It was a strange situation, your skin felt hot and embarrassed, but you felt the obvious wetness in your lower region.

"Fuck." Minhyuk liked his lips and tried to think straight. He didn't really knew what he was doing when he played with your towel and even when it fell to the floor he wasn't sure how to handle the whole situation... but then he met your eyes and saw you biting your lip. Carefully he touched the bare skin on your hips, drawing small circles on it while he heard your breath to hitch.

"Minhyuk?" you repeated, this time a little louder and he hummed back. "Where's this going to lead?"

It sounded like a stupid question, you very obviously naked and very turned on, but Minhyuk understood what you meant. How would it end and would it affect your friendship?

Instead of answering with words, he kissed you for the first time ever. It started slow and soft, his lips felt sweet against yours, just as Minhyuk was but you felt that he held back. Your arms slung around his neck and it was just like a magic spell was spoken. One of his hands pulled you closer against his chest the other one behind your head, deepening the kiss. His move surprised you, a small gasp escaped your lips. Minhyuk took the opportunity and opened his mouth, his tongue danced again yours and felt you relax in his arms.

He pulled back and smirked when he saw your flustered face. "What? Did you want more?"

"As if." you spat back and as soon as the words had left your mouth you felt his hand against your throat. Your eyes widened and a strangled gasp escaped you which made him smirk even more.

" I bet you like being manhandled like this, huh? I bet you're dripping down there. Should I check?"

You didn't answer, your eyes still widened in shock about the person in front of you. Who was that? Not the sweet and goofy Minhyuk you knew. This person was mature, sexy and seemed totally controlled over his motions.

You felt his fingers against your sex and let out a quiet sigh at the welcomed friction. Minhyuk on the other hand, cussed as soon as his fingers touched your meanwhile drenched pussy.

"Do you want me that much?" he asked and before you even thought about it, your head nodded eagerly.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, please..."

He hummed and then looked down to his pants. "Go on. My pants aren't going to open them self."

His demand shot right to your core and to your finger who hurried up to please him. He was already rock hard in his boxers, you even felt precum leaking around the tip. Your knees started to buckle but he stopped your actions which you eyed confused.

"Why-"

"Save that for another time, sweetheart. I can't wait anymore." He replied and suddenly lifted you up. You squeaked in surprise- Minhyuk didn't seemed so strong but his muscles flexed and pressed you against the wall, while you slung your legs around him.

"Are you sure you want this?" he asked, his tip already rubbing against your entrance.

"Yes, please..." you answered and looked him deep in the eyes. Was he concerned? Or just as nervous as you were?

As soon has he finally entered you, you both moaned in unison. He waited a few seconds, letting you adjust to his size while he searched your face for any regrets. The longer your eyes remaint closed the more he felt afraid of your reaction. Would you turn him down afterwards? Would you regret all this? Is your friendship over now?

But suddenly you let out a small gasp and your hand touched his cheek. "Please move."

Your plead was just a whisper but then you opened your eyes and Minhyuk saw the lust in them. Pure and sinful lust. So he moved and it didn't took long before you started moaning, whimpering and scratching his back with your free hand.

"Y/N..." he hissed and clawed his finger in your ass. You heard him saying your name for more than hundred of times but never did it make you feel things like right now, you wanted more of him so you pressed your lips against his and Minhyuk returned the kiss eagerly.

"F-Faster..." you whispered in his mouth and he growled back as an answer. His hips increased the speed, a familiar hotness pooled between your legs and created a smacking noise whenever his length entered you. Your back hit the wall over and over again but you didn't care, it was exactly what you needed: Rough and hard.

And Minhyuk seemed to know that, he was glad that he didn't need to hold back, all the anger from before flowed trough his veins, creating a rough but pleasant pace.

"I won't last long, Y/N... Shit, you just feel too good around my cock..." He was panting, his voice deep and raspy, sweat pearls on his forehead while he pounded in you with a nearly brutal tempo. Your hand flew down and rubbed on your clit, already welcoming the approaching orgasm you desperately needed.

"I'm close, Min..." you moaned and heard him cuss while he kissed and licked your neck, searching for your week spot.

"Then cum." he whispered against your lips. Your fingers circled faster around your nub when the orgasm finally hit you, now clenching around the cock inside you. Minhyuk moaned in return, it didn't took long for him to seek his own release, your pulsating walls practically milked him dry.

"Fuck."

His forehead rested against your own, eyes closed while you caught your breaths again.

"That was... amazing." you spoke first and then giggled when you heard him huff in exhaustion. Your giggles died when he opened his eyes and examined yours.

"And now?" you asked, suddenly shy again.

"What do you mean? I'm going to take my date to the prom now and maybe ask her out for a movie someday, if she likes that..." Minhyuk tried to swallow his nervousness who came with his sudden confession.

You smiled and kissed his nose. "I'm sure she does."

#monsta x #minhyuk #monsta x minhyuk #monsta x smut #minhyuk smut #monsta x reaction #monsta x scenario #shownu #hyunwoo #wonho #kihyun #hyungwon #changkyun #jooheon #I.M #smut #kpop smut #monbebe #innocent liar

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nerdyangeldetective · 6 years

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“Can’t you die faster?” [Ramsay Bolton x Reader] (Modern AU)

Requested by the lovely and amazing @kreylo-solo ♥

“ OMG YOU WRITE FOR RAMSAY BOLTON?! I LOVE THAT SADISTIC ASSHOLE lol. Can I request a modern AU Ramsay story where he's taking over the Bolton mob empire, and the reader is his gf and his most trusted hitwoman/assassin? Please. <3333 Feel free to make it fluffy or smutty or angsty, whatever works for you. XD “

A/N: I HOPE YOU’LL LIKE IT. The Reader is totally a copy of Ramsay but hey, I like psychopath. c: I might do another part of this, I really liked the idea. :v

Words count: 1.586

Warnings: Murder - smut - mention of torture - blood (also the gif might kill your ovaries tho’. LOOK AT THAT SMIRK. ♥)

A gunshot, and then another one and nothing was heard after that, except a laugh, well, two laugh. You were playing with your now empty gun, blood on your hands, clothes and a few drops on your face. You turned your head to see your beloved boyfriend that you loved so much with the kind of look nobody could ignored. "Ramsay.." you said, telling him to come near you with one finger. Killing people always aroused you so much that you needed something right after a murder. "I'm coming sweetie." Kneeled near a body, he finally found the USB key he needed that contained some information about the future of the Bolton's mob, his father one.

"Come on, don't make me wait or I'll punish you." getting annoyed by waiting, you removed your pretty black dress, letting your cute red lingerie show. "I have a surprise for you." Ramsay's sight was an annoyed one but it stopped when he put an eye on you and your perfectly curved body. "Oh." He got on his feet and nearly ran to you, wasting no time in kissing your pink lips that needed him. Making love around dead bodies lying on the floor, how sweet, hu ?

But that was part of your habits. Your parents were drugs dealers, so you've always been in this kind of world and your first murder was when you were only twelve. Someone was threatened your parents with a gun and without any hesitation, you sneaked behind him and slit his throath.. You've never seen your parents so proud of you. After few months in school, you dropped it because it was annoying and you were caught dealing drugs in the corridors during break time, but hopefully Ramsay covered you with some kind of lie he told to the principal. That's when you two met and understood that you were involved in a dangerous world, both of you, you were only 16. You also learned that he was a bastard who hated his father despite making it look the contrary, and that he wanted to be the boss of his mob because his father was really bad at the job. Every decision he was making was stupid and sometimes, it leads to deadly fights and a lot of loss.

After a year of working together, you found yourself being in love with him. You loved his smile, you loved when he was torturing a poor guy because he was part of his father's gang, you loved it when he killed people in front of you and one day, after one of his victim passed out from the pain during a torture session, you couldn't contained it anymore. You just jumped on him, totally turned on and kissed him, making out for what seemed to be hours. Since this day, you've been inseparable.

After your little -sexy- break, you two decided to burn the bodies and get to work. Tomorrow was the big day and you both needed to rest. The next night, you were dinning with Ramsay and his father, who loved you despite you being indepedant and not in his mob.

"So, what's new between you two ? Any heir planned ? It's been a few years since you're together. You should start thinking about that, Ramsay.", said his father, Roose Bolton, looking straight into his son eyes.

"I don't know why you keep pressuring me to have an heir, since I'm not even recognised as your true son, father. I'm not even the one you will succeed you." Ramsay took his napkin, cleaning his mouth with a little smirk on his lips. The kind of smirk that turned you on everytime.

"Speaking of it, you're maybe aware that my right hand was killed by, what we supposed, another gang last night ? His body is nowhere to be found but we know he's dead. That means that I have no one to succeed to me when my time will come."

Everything going according to the plan, you took Ramsay's hand under the table, stroking it with your thumb, a little smile on your red lips. "You proved to me that I was wrong about you, Ramsay. That's why I'm giving you the title of Right Hand, you'll be the Bolton's boss the day I'll disappear. You're a true Bolton now. Don't disappoint me."

Ramsay's hand was shaking from excitement, his eyes were full of anger but also full of excitement about being the soon-to-be leader of the strongest mob around. "I'm honored, father. Let's celebrate. I've bring a rare red wine.. Well, I stole it while I was in duty, but it's a really expensive one." His father nodded and Ramsay was pouring wine in the glasses of everyone. You took yours and slowly bring it to your lips being careful not drinking any, like Ramsay. Both of you got your look on Ramsay's father who was drinking his wine in one stroke. You let out a laugh and put your glass on the table, your boyfriend following your moves. After a few seconds, Roose started to choke, he wasn't able to breath anymore.

Ramsay got on his foot and came behind his father's chair, putting his hands on Roose's shoulder. "Well, I guess your time has come, Fa-ther." he said while smirking, his look was full of darkness, you loved it so much. "Come on, can't you die faster ? I really really want to fuck your son beside your body." Putting your elbows on the table, your hands on your cheeks and pouting, you were annoyed by how long he was taking to die.

"Don't be so impatient sweetheart." he was kind of warning you that one wrong move, and you'll be punished tonight with no rewards. "This poison takes forever to work, but I want him to suffer. You know, you were always a disappointement for me." His father looking at him, a hand on his throath. "Y-you-...y-" Ramsay laughed. "Shh, don't speak." probably annoyed by how much time he was taking to die, he took one of the knife on the dinner table and stab him on the heart with it. "Sleep well, father." He looked at you, smiling even more. "Come here sweetie, I have a job for you."

You got up and clap on your hands, knowing what was the "job". You went upstairs, a knife on your gloved hand, and here you are, playing with Roose's wife who was pregnant, stabbing her, torturing her.. Yup, you and Ramsay where the perfect one for each others. During this duty, he was looking at you, every moves you made, every sounds, everything until she was also dead. You sighed. "Seriously!? She's already dead !? What the fuck !?" you throwed the knife on the all, angry by how fast she took to die. "What a bitch !" Crossing your arms on your chest, you were pouting again and went in the arms of your beloved boyfriend.

"You will have a lot of work soon, don't be sad. I don't like that." sensing something hard poking your thight, you raised and eyebrow. "Oh.. Someone is happy." quickly, a smile appared on your beautiful red lips that Ramsay loved so much. He kissed them gently. "Everytime I see you I got a boner by the end of the day." slapping your butt with his big hand, you laughed.

"Hey ! I didn't gave you the right to touch this perfect butt." your shocked tone amusing him, he was gropping it hardly, making you moan. "Hm ? What was that ? Look like you're liking it to me." You kicked his chest, a smile growing on your lips. You put a gentle kiss on his lips, your hands going on his dark and messy hair you loved so much. Looking into his deep blue eyes, you whispered. "I love you, Ramsay."

Falling on the floor with him, and on him, you were surprised. "I love you too, (Y/N). Now, you have some work to do." Nodding, you were more then aroused to start this "work" you loved so much.

#ramsay #ramsay bolton #ramsay bolton x reader #ramsay x reader #sadistic #ramsay snow #ramsay snow x reader #got #game of thrones #game of thrones fiction #game of thrones request #GoT One shot #got os #one shot

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emmelinekate · 6 years

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1) The Cure (Lady Gaga), Who You Are (Jessie J), Make It Rain (Ed Sheeran) 2) something by Tori Kelly, Tightrope (Michelle Williams), Drip Down (Rossylo) 3) Done For Me (Charlie Puth ft. Kehlani), Personal Physician (Rossylo), Heaven (Julia Michaels) 4) Kissing a Fool (George Michaels), How Deep Is Your Love (Bee Gees), anything by Michael Bolton 5) no song is too painful for me 6) this unidentifiable song that my ex-roommate used to put on repeat (the singer sounded like 1930s Snow White climaxing and dying at the same time), Swish Swish (Katy Perry), Dooo It! (Miley Cyrus) 7) Satellite (Guster), Girl With One Eye (Florence & the Machine) - these two songs are something a former friend with benefits suggested to me; didn't think I'd like his shit but as we kept hooking up, I guess they grew on me - Long Term (Rossylo) 8) this summer I partied more with my best friend and had that epiphany where I realized I wanted to be with someone - Clean. (Quyne ft. Rossylo - this song was written about a moment this summer), Bad Chick (SoMo), Woman (Kesha) 9) Baby, It's Cold Outside (Leon Redbone & Dooey Deschanel / Seth McFarlane & Sara Bareilles), The Christmas Song (Christina Aguilera / Pentatonix), Carol of the Bells (Pentatonix) 10) This is Halloween (Danny Elfman & ensemble), Hitchcock Blonde (Dalton Rapattoni), Carousel (Melanie Martinez) 11) Someday We'll Know (Mandy Moore & Jonathan Foreman), Reignite (Knox Brown & Gallant), Gangsta (Kehlani) 12) shit lol I don't play games 13) Not Alone (Darren Criss), Somewhere in America (Dalton Rapattoni), Hercules (Fly Away Hero) 14) The Way You Do (Dalton Rapattoni) - lol this came in on shuffle as I was typing the second song for this, You're Getting to be a Habit With Me (Diana Krall), Hearts Don't Break Around Here (Ed Sheeran) 15) The Way You Do (Dalton Rapattoni), All Along (Raelee Nikole), Fallin' Up (SoMo) 16) Ride (SoMo), Just a Lil Bit (50 Cent), Havana (Camila Cabello ft. Daddy Yankee) 17) Suffer (Charlie Puth), New (Daya), New Rules (Dua Lipa) 18) Woman (Kesha), F.A.B. (Jojo ft. Remy Ma), Vibe (Jojo) 19) Fetish (Selena Gomez ft. Gucci Mane - lol how appropriate), Heartless (IM5), Pretty Girl/Tu Cancion (Johann Vera) 20) Valerie posted it so Hercules (Fly Away Hero), Touchdown Dance (IM5 - we used to make fun of it a lot), Holy Man (Fly Away Hero - she's classic for the meme associated with it) 21) anything Bee Gees, To Where You Are (Josh Groban), anything Sarah Brightman, anything Disney 22) sad about what tho; Music (Jojo), Vuelo a Paris (Johann Vera), What Do I Know? (Ed Sheeran) 23) Woman (Kesha), Fellin' Myself (Mac Dre), Vibe (Jojo) 24) You Don't Do It For Me Anymore (Demi Lovato), How Long (Charlie Puth), Is There Somewhere (Halsey) 25) TOUGH... Holding Your Tongue (Terror Jr.), Juice (Chromeo - listened to this literally on the last day of 2017 at Adrian's birthday), Somewhere in America (Dalton Rapattoni) 26) Ojo Por Ojo (Johann Vera), Obsesionado (Farruko), Les Oiseaux Qu'on Met Un Cage (Helene Segara, Garoux) 27) Bohemienne Rhapsody (Queen), I Have Nothing (Whitney Houston), Disney shit 28) Easy (Mac Ayres), Inner Sanctum (Quyne), Paint (Jojo & Travis Garland) 29) Hercules (Dalton Rapattoni), While I'm Young (Max Milner), You Don't Do It For Me Anymore (Demi Lovato) 30) anything by Rossylo, anything by me (pls check out, I music), anything by Dalton Rapattoni and Max Milner

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs: 1997, part two

the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 between 3.15.1997 and 5.10.1997. 2/3 of the way there! i’ma try to get weeks 19-27 done by monday so we can cover weeks 28 and 29 of all three of 97/07/17 on wednesday, then resume posting as usual from there. i’m excited!

3.15.1997

9) "For You I Will," by Monica

this was ok, i guess. it's a stirring pitch to the boy, but i can also understand why the boy would still give brandy consideration after hearing this. the boy probably thinks monica doth insist too much. like, she promises to be the sun. she can't do that! monica's a star, but not a REAL star, just a famous person! the boy has reason to be dubious of monica's claims. no reason to be dubious of the key change, tho. hey remember key changes? remember when we used to like songs that were dynamic and didn't just bleep and bloop for three minutes? good times.

22) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston

The YouTube recommendation bar just pulled up a bunch of Whitney Houston songs, and I'm not gonna lie, I'd much rather dip into that than find out what Zhane is. This is probably a second-tier Whitney song, insofar as I have any grasp of the ins-and-outs of the Whitney catalogue, but second-tier Whitney is still amazing. Like, you know how "Lose My Breath" is definitely one of the five-best songs from the expanded Beyonce universe, even though no one ever thinks about it? This is Whitney's "Lose My Breath" for me. I just wanna put this and "Return of the Mack" on repeat for a thousand years and die happy.

35) "Head Over Heels," by Allure ft./Nas

It's weird to hear Nas on a pop song. Like, Nas operated in the same space where someone like Vince Staples or Killer Mike currently operates, I always thought; clearly elite, but elite in a way not friendly with the mainstream. Illmatic didn't sound like something that'd get a dude on a pop song. Not that I'm angry Nas got that paper, it's just weird, like it'd be weird if Killer Mike suddenly collaborated with Calvin Harris. Also, girl group hype. This is a song that was playing while I was thinking about other things and I think I would've enjoyed it if I wasn't ignoring it, but at the same time, I don't believe in second impressions.

51) "Request Line," by Zhane

...Zhane, that was unfair, that thing I said about you two paragraphs ago. I am so glad to have found out about you. This song only has a peak of 39. I am comfortable declaring this the forgotten classic of 1997 so far. It references calling people over a phone line, which is so delightfuly antiquated, it references a 555 number which is a classic, and it implies that at one point you had to call a radio station to request a song rather than being able to access every song all at once on demand. All wonderful 1997 things, backed with a solid groove. This song is dope. I'm going to call into my local radio station RIGHT NOW and request that they play this!

76) "Too Late, Too Soon," by Jon Secada

imagine turning the radio on in 1997 and hearing this and keeping this song on because trying to tune the dial to a new station just to avoid this song wouldn't be worth the effort. i thought i wouldn't get michael bolton? i thought his whole thing was just an early-'90s thing, something akward between the grunge and the rap? i feel cheated, honestly. i shouldn't have had to listen to clay aiken in 1997.

79) "I Belong to You (Every Time I See Your Face)," by Rome

This dude's ad-libs are basically Young Thug mouthnoises. I'm into it. It's generic, but dude goes hard trying to sell this song, and I respect that hustle.

81) "Hip-Hopera," by Bounty Killa ft./The Fugees

LAURYN HILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even care that the rest of this song is just Bounty Killa saying things with a heavy accent that never actually justifies being called "Hip-Hopera" aside from some falsetto in the hook. Like, you wanna be a hip-hopera? Bring the drama. Can't just have the fat lady sing, you need to emote like your life depended on it, PROJECT, make something more over the top than this, but legit Lauryn Hill on the mic for even half a minute is a good thing, and this song at least had the good sense to put her at the top of this song so that, if you want to hear her verse again, you don't have to sift through a bunch of nothing.

91) "Weekend Thang," by Alfonzo Hunter

This is the second R&B slow jam about infidelity this week, and while it's superior, I wonder if people got as tired of dudes singing R&B in 1997 as I am of bro country in 2017? Like, the thing R&B dudes have over country dudes is, I can easily distinct Alfonzo Hunter from Rome. Rome was making all sorts of noises in his song, and Alfonzo Hunter is smoother, more confident. I can't tell you any meaningful difference between Chase Pickens and Ricky Graves, and you probably didn't realize those were fake names, because country dudes are interchangable. Listen, 1997 has been wonderfully bereft of country dudes, but the only thing I know how to do is complain about country dudes, SO I HAD TO SHOEHORN THIS IN SOMEWHERE, point is, R&B slow jamz all at least have some variety, and I'm not tired of them yet.

3.22.1997

22) "Ghetto Love," by Da Brat ft./T-Boz

"You laid pipe unlike any other plumber/Took me shoppin' all day and at night you kept me cummin'/Made dinner, collard greens, candied yams, and steak/Taught me how to measure grams, cook rocks, and chop weights" This song is incredible. Like, I grew up in a family adjacent to white trash; if anyone in the family smokes meth, it might not be surprising?, but it would definitely be news to me. So I don't know what it's like to settle in for a nice steak dinner, then sit down with my lover and learn how to manufacture and distribute crack cocaine. My girl and I would just play Mario Kart. This is a love unlike anything I could ever know, and I am glad to have heard tell of it. Also, "you laid pipe unlike any other plumber." That is a lyric!

34) "I Shot the Sheriff," by Warren G

...I want to applaud the social commentary? But at the same time, no, don't touch this song. This song was already very good, it didn't need you trying to muck it all up with your signature, just let it be. You can allude to this song in a better song about fighting back against the police, but don't just like do the song, it's not pleasant to listen to this song when it's not this song.

71) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos

One of the auto-complete results when I searched "silent all" was "silent all these years karaoke" and I want to meet the absolute fucking maniac who would ruin a karaoke night with this song and give them a stern lecture about the utility of fun. This is not a karaoke song. Even if this WERE a karaoke song, there's no way you have the verses memorized. There's too many words. You are going to stumble all over the verses and it’s going to suck for everyone in the bar to hear. You’re going to ruin five minutes of everyone’s lives, be responsible with your fucking choices. Like karaoke is not about communicating the deep inner pain with which Tori Amos helped you get in touch, what kind of horrible narcissist is singing Tori Amos songs at karaoke. I DID NOT FORCE MYSELF TO LOG OFF TUMBLR, PUT ON PANTS, AND TAKE A BUS TO THE BAR JUST TO HEAR TUMBLR: THE MUSICAL. ...Tori Amos is a quality songwriter and this song is incredibly sad and I am scared of feeling things which is why those other sentences exist.

84) "If Tomorrow Never Comes," by Joose

I found this R&B slow jam lacking because it tried to have A Moment, took some time to try to be a sweeping, epic slow jam, and while I applaud the ambition, it kinda just sounded like a worse version of the pop version of "A Whole New World."

97) "Under the Water," by Merril Bainbridge

this song is just heckin' beautiful. look at that, i'm even usin' "heck" instead of bad words because i don't want to profane this space right now. it's so soft and gentle and i don't want to do anything to ruin this moment i'm having. this i -- OH. OH, HELLO, MAN. alright well fuck all this then where the fuck did this dude come from? this was a pleasant, lovely song, and then goddamn the dude from crash test dummies or w/e shows up and goes "UNDER THE WATER" and it's so jarring. i can't even enjoy this harmonica solo, i feel so betrayed! ...okay, i'm enjoying the harmonica a little bit. the harmonica was as nice a surprise as the dude was a rude one.

3.29.1997

7) "All by Myself," by Celine Dion

These charts are based off single sales and radio plays. It's so weird to consider that people would go out of their way to listen to a Celine Dion ballad in a pre-"My Heart Will Go On" world. Like, "Let it Go" was a top 20(?) hit if I recall correctly, but that was the signature song of a movie loved by teens. What is this. This is just a diva singing dramatically over a piano. People went to stores and either specifically bought this single or said, "Oh! My favorite recording artist, Salon Dijon! I need this like I need these other staples of every day life I have come to Target to purchase!" 1997 has had two Broadway-ish songs on the chart, 2007 had one Broadway-ish song, and 2017 has had zero, if anyone needed quantifiable proof the world was getting worse. (Shout out to Pete Holmes.)

13) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow

Because my first exposure to Sheryl Crow was "Soak Up the Sun," an over-the-top cheery song about beaches that triggers an allergic reaction in my horrible soul, I never really fucked with Sheryl Crow. This is a jam, though. There's more of an edge here than there is in her later stuff. The key is "I get a little bit closer to feeling fine." This isn't a song about someone who is happy and taking life as it comes, this is about someone who's going through shit and hopes to be happy one day. It's like a prototype of "Hard Times," '90s alt-rock chick instead of '80s throwback. This is dope.

33) "One More Time," by Real McCoy

House music! It's been a while. Oh, good, you're rapping. I was hoping to hear someone rap in their second language. God damn you. YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. II "I might have one of the largest collections of Real McCoy CD's in the world. :-)" Real McCoy released four albums. Congratulations on having bought four items. That's not a collection, unless Real McCoy has been making other horrible music over the last 20 years.

42) "Your Woman," by White Town

/someone in 1997 hears this song /they franticaly scramble to their kitchen and dial numbers on a corded phone /someone answers Twenty-One! Twenty-One, it's your cousin Marvin! Marvin Pilots! You know that incomprehensible fake-hip-hop sound you've been looking for? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS! /Marvin Pilots holds the phone as near to his bedroom as he can No but seriously this is a goddamned Twenty-One Pilots song, this is amazing, this must be what it felt like when anthropologists or whatever discovered that da Vinci invented airplanes. Like, look! This always existed! This song is more interesting than this dumb joke, but it's also important to point out the similarities. Also: this dude released an album called Don't Mention the War. I like this dude. He seems like good people.

52) "You Don't Have to Hurt No More," by Mint Condition

"This house is not a home." This song is the most unbelievable thing I've heard so far because it is set in a world where single people own houses.

56) "I Don't Want To," by Toni Braxton

Look, you probably already knew this about me, but I find it hard to believe any dramatic tension that gets built by dangling a preposition. Like, I know you're gonna finish that sentence, it would be rude to just leave that "to" hanging in the middle. Clickbait titles could be so simplistic in 1997, though, because we hadn't been inured to all the tricks. We may think we know better than this song title, but back in 1997, people were screaming at the album cover, "don't want to what? DON'T WANT TO WHAT?" People who didn't have access to the single held weekly meetings to share their fan theories about what Toni Braxton didn't want to, one of the earliest online fan forums was built by people wringing their hands over what Toni Braxton didn't want to. People need to work to rook us in 2017, but in 1997, all it took was a sentence left unfinished. (The official YAS verdict on this song is that it is boring and I was bored by it.)

65) "Sho Nuff," by Tela ft./Eightball & MJG

This strip club anthem has maybe the most evocative storytelling any strip club anthem has ever had. It's about a young man who comes back to his hometown after spending time wherever it was he spent time, and discovering girls he used to know became strippers. "I remember this ho, she used to do nails for Rochelle's" is such a delightful detail, the way he specifies not just what she used to do but where she did it being something straight out of a country song. Is it followed by "You heard me! Push these thirty dicks inside your clit?" Well, not immediately, but yes, those words do occupy the same space, but when it isn't exceedingly gross, there's a lot of homey charm in this song.

80) "For You," by Kenny Lattimore

The description for this song claims this is "the only song you should get married to." The first line of this song is "For you, I'd give a lifetime of stability." Oh, yeah, baby girl, if you're looking for a man who'll settle for an office job if this music thing doesn't work out, I'm that guy. When you're ready to accept Wednesday nights spent bickering over what to watch on Netflix while we wait for the Chinese food to get here, you have my number. I'm that man who can drive a Camry and won't talk about his fantasy football team... because he knows it bores you. I'm waiting for you to decide to want this. "For you, I'd make a promise of fidelity." It worries me you waited until your wedding day to make this promise, Ken. That should have just gone without saying! Why would you bring that up now?

92) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams

OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS. I. I was expecting a lot from 1997. I don't think I could have ever expected this song to exist in the way it exists. It's a dynamo vocal performance of a deeply silly and probably slightly offensive song. I don't want to say too much because this is a song which could legitimately be spoiled, but like listen to it. You probably won't be disappointed.

94) "Insomnia," by Faithless

this song is at once the class of 1997's dark dance music, and it also features a vocal performance that's way too low-energy to be rap but is too high energy to be spoken word so i guess i have to call it rapping? but like if you're rapping, and i can reasonably state that Egoraptor is a better rapper than you, are you really rapping? anyway heck europe.

4.5.1997

67) "Precious Declaration," by Collective Soul

Sometimes in 2017, Imagine Dragons will break through the trap and release a song that charts, and I'll react to it with baffled indifference; I don't care, but at the same time, I don't get why people who ostensibly enjoy rock music would listen to Imagine Dragons. I get the same sense listening to this Collective Soul song. Like, it didn't ruin my day, but is this really the best you could do? If you like alternative rock, why on earth are you listening to Collective Soul? The Verve Pipe has other songs! They're not as good as "The Freshmen" but better than this!

81) "A Little Bit of Ecstacy," by Jocelyn Enriquez

"Tee hee! The casual observer will think I am singing about feeling happy, when I actually am singing about doing drugs and having sex! What a trickster I am!" Dance music is bad and everyone who listened to it has the wrong idea about everything. We're not even out of the third month. There is more to come, and I already blew the “this entire genre is garbage” shot. Oh, dear.

94) "One Night at a Time," by George Strait

Our first country dude of 1997! And it's not just some random country dude, it's The Possum, singing an OK song about how nice being in love is and how much effort maintaining a healthy relationship requires! Nothing special, but pleasant, especially since it's not surrounded by fifty other songs by dudes in the same hat with the same voice. This constitutes a break from the onslaught of R&B dudes, is not part of its own separate slog. I appreciate the commitment to diversity, 1997. (Diversity in genre if not in gender, I guess. Not as bad as 2017, I don't think, but, hey, we all could be doing better.)

95) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One

"I'm not saying I'm number one -- I'm sorry, I lied/I'm number one, two, three, four, and five" That's fucking incredible. Like, one'd be hard-pressed to disagree with KRS-One on that claim after hearing this song. KRS-One occupies the same space as The Roots did from part one, where I understood they were important but hadn't actually made the effort to check them out, and now I see I've been missing out. This dude's incredible. "I'm not run of the mill, 'cuz for the mill I don't run." This is like if Chance the Rapper was good.

98) "That's Right," by DJ Taz ft./Raheem the Dream

remember when the atl wasn't the epicenter of homogeneity and the city housed artists that sounded great without sounding like anything else. what happened. i mean, this song probably isn't the one we want to point to when complaining about the current state of atlanta, not when we got outkast comin' in a couple of songs, but like something this light and breezy and fun isn't the sort of thing atlanta traffics in anymore, and the world is worse for losing this spirt.

4.12.1997

17) "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole

One of the best tweets of all time theorizes that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" are two different perspectives on the same event, and this Paula Cole fan theory will be a part of me until the world burns down. It's a good song, but also it's absolutely ruined for me.

59) "Jazzy Belle," by OutKast

ATLiens is the best OutKast album and the first five tracks ("Two Dope Boys," "ATLiens," "Wheelz of Steel," "Elevators," "Jazzy Belle") might be the best five-track stretch in the whole of hip-hop history and even if I'm not into the remix they released to radio I'm so incredibly into the original that I'm fine with a Xerox. I'm fanboying, and you didn't come here for that, but gosh I do love this song.

75) "Come On," by Billy Lawrence ft./MC Lyte

This song was acceptable. You ever hit a point where you've been listening to songs for two hours and trying to think about them and then you come across two songs you already know your thoughts on so you go "Oh, cool, I can do other things while still listening to these songs so I can say I listened to them" and then you get to a song you're not familiar with but you're still in "doing other things while listening to music" mode? That's what happened. This is a feeling which I am sure is incredibly relatable, as all of us have series where we listen to every pop song ever and post our thoughts about them. I'm sure this song is better than I treated it, and I could just listen to it again but oh no what happened my fingers just typed the next song into the bar and now the music is gone from youtube forever it doesn't exist anymore i can't go back oh no oh nooooooooo

4.19.1997

24) "My Baby Daddy," by B-Rock & The Bizz

...I came into this refreshed. I watched some other videos -- this is the least embarrassing Punk Goes Pop compilation yet! -- took a shower, had some breakfast, I was ready to accept this song into my life. I mean, "My Baby's Mama" had a ridiculous title, but that was more or less acceptable, and I thought this was a response song. That's a lost art, the response song. I don't think we've had a true response song since Frankie's unforgettable classic "Fuck You Right Back," though I haven't listened to "Bodak Yellow" yet. This was... Certainly, an experience I won't forget, but not for lack of trying.

73) "Until I Find You Again," by Richard Marx

In a position where I can see the future, I see "Hypnotize" and "Bitch" dropping next week, and I can kind of understand that 1997 is in the calm before the storm. It's disappointing to endure, for sure, no one ever intends on listening to soft rock, but I'm ten minutes away from thinking about "Hypnotize." I appreciate 1997 for giving me this time to clear my mind and accept "Hypnotize" into my life.

87) "Sweet Sexy Thing," by Nu Flavor ft./Roger Troutman

It wasn't that long ago that we were letting dudes feature on boy band songs despite the fact they were calling themselves Roger Troutman. We can quibble about how good a rap name KYLE is, but at least it's not a pirate fish monster.

93) "Just the Way You Like It," by Tasha Holiday ft/Mase

This is Tasha Holiday's only song that charted on the Hot 100, and it appeared to have only spent one week on the chart, as it never got higher than 93. That has to be weird for an artist. You make a song that's popular enough that it can make the chart and people will upload it to YouTube 20 years later, but at the same time, your song wasn't popular at all and your song has significantly fewer views than "My Babby Dad," which is a song no one put effort into making. You had two celebrated songwriters on the track, and they made a song that someone who listened to an average amount of Top 40 radio might have heard once on "New Tunes Tuesday." Per Wikipedia, she was last seen doing feature spots on Soundcloud tracks, so it's at least good to hear she didn't stop believing.

97) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass

i am not going to argue against teddy pendergrass. i understand that, of all the '90s r&b slow jamz specialists, he's the one that got a shout out on "slow jamz," so i'm digging this song while assuming this is not his most iconic work. this is dope, and it's nice to hear a voice with rasp. '90s r&b isn't very husky, y'know? great voices without a lot of depth. this dude knows how to use his voice to most effectively communicate his pain, and it's dope as hell. this is the worst positive thing anyone's ever written about teddy pendergrass, like y'all know he's great and i'm late to the party.

4.26.1997

2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G.

i wonder if the people who made "rise" knew that they would be playing an integral role in one of the greatest songs of all time, if they knew that the song they were making wasn't the song they would be remembered for. that intro, those three guitar blasts (music term) and biggie going "oh," is this miracle, and i wonder if anyone who made "rise" knew their song was going to be used to bring a miracle into this world. "we got so close!" the bassist might have cried upon hearing biggie's tone over the track he laid down. "if we had replaced the trumpet with talking..."

30) "Staring at the Sun," by U2

Like, even if it weren't one of the last songs Biggie ever released, we'd still remember "Hypnotize" as fondly as we do, because it's just this incredible perfect thing. Biggie just has this phenomenal, laid-back flow. You're not blown away by any lyrical twist or vocal trick, Biggie just lumbers along in time, and it's just fun to hear someone rap like that, and this track is the perfect complement to his voice, this groovy thing he can really sink into and flow with. P. Diddy isn't the greatest musician, but he has a great ear for what other people can do. He and Biggie could have made more songs like this. That song, man.

57) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks

It remains to be seen if the music of 1997 is better than the music of 2007 or 2017 -- even in a week with "Hypnotize" and "Bitch," 1997 is going to lose the weekly competition because "Umbrella" is as good as "Hypnotize" and "Thnks fr th Mmrs" is better than "Bitch" and 1997 won't have anything better than "The Story" -- but we can definitively state that "Blank Space" was better in 1997. I was struck by how similar this song was to "Blank Space," mostly because I forgot "Bitch" had verses. The thematic concepts in "Bitch" and "Blank Space" are similar, both songs stating "You should have known I was complicated, and now I am presenting these complications and you will not enjoy it," but while Tay Tay's is rooted in the personal mythos of Tay Tay, one needing to understand Tay Tay's relationship with her #brand to fully understand the song, Meredith Brooks' is accessible to all, more generalized and less personal, not needing to make some grand statement about who Meredith Brooks is as a person and what being in a relationship with her is like. There's less baggage to "Bitch," so to answer the question HOT ON EVERYONE'S MIND, "Bitch" is a better version of "Blank Space" than "Blank Space."

88) "Full of Smoke," by Christion

This song has the singular misfortune of being the R&B slow jamz to follow Teddy Pendergrass. It is the victim of higher expectations and will not benefit from the expectational adjustment being performed as a result of hearing a dude sing exclusively in falsetto. I'm sure, out of the context of this deeply silly project, this would be a much more fun song to hear, but like no thank you. Now that I know what else slow jamz can do, I need more than overdramatic sings and this dude squeaking.

89) "Stop the Gunfight," by Trapp ft./2pac & Notorious B.I.G.

Fun fact! If you listen to this song, you will have done significantly more to prevent gun violence in the United States than every Senator COMBINED! Congratulations on doing more than nothing! Thoughts and prayers for EVERYONE!

5.3.1997

16) "MMMBop," by Hanson

Hanson makes legitimately wonderful music. Even when they were children with hair like the kid from Room, they were making songs that were exceptionally well-crafted, even if they were about some nonsense. You can kind of tell, on this song, that Hanson was trying to make a point about aging and losing touch with people and friendship that they couldn't make because they were legitimately 14, not music 14 where they're 14 and singing songs written by 40-year-olds but actual immature 14. The song is honestly far better than it has any right to be, and every day I remember Hanson weathered the storm and became normal people who make insanely good pop music is a good day.

45) "Don't Wanna Be a Player," by Joe

...JOE?! Hold up. So many R&B slow jammers didn't make it all the way to 2007. Hell, significantly fewer artists made it from 1997 to 2007 than made it from 2007 to 2017, and one of them was this random dude named Joe, this dude with one of the five most generic names as a stage name who has no defining personality traits. This dude? This dude's who y'all took with ya? I'm not even going to pretend to try to get this. Like all he's swearing to a girl is that he won't cheat on her. He's not pledging eternal love, he's not swearing he will climb a mountain, he will not defend her against the armies of every nation, he's just saying, "I will finally stop fucking other people." That's a really shitty promise. Like, way to spend four minutes promising a girl the bare minimum.

85) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z

hey. hey, guys. jay-z? this jay-z cat? he's pretty amazing at rapping. be sure to give him a follow and show him some love in the comments.

94) "6 Underground," by Sneaker Pimps

this song sounds like the episode of buffy where seth green goes through an entire season of plot in one episode and then leaves the show forever. what i am trying to say is, this song sounds like two werewolves feeling a deep desire for one another but one of the werewolves a sweet lesbian witch girlfriend he doesn't want to abandon but he can't stop himself from abandoning her when he's in werewolf form so he runs to the mountains. that's what this song reminds me of, is that feeling when that. i'm that. i don't know what i came into this paragraph to do but i know i have the "wild at heart" wikipedia page open and Marti Noxon says of the episode "The whole issue of sexuality between men and women is kind of fraught because of the beast" and boy that is just a quote right there, innit. this song's over! huzzah. electronic music is still mostly bad, turns out.

96) "Can U Feel It," by 3rd Party

YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. III "ive been listening to this since i was a kid and since release lol. i had this on a cassette tape when there was no CD's" Buddy, what the heck kind of dystopia were you living in that didn't have CDs in 1997? OK but real quick I don't understand the nostalgia for cassette tapes. Cassette tapes sounded like garbage and sucked to carry around. I get owning one as a fun novelty, "Haha this band I like was selling them at a concert and I had to, and I mean it's nice to support the things I love!" But if you're defending the audio quality of cassette tapes, you have taken irony too far and are no longer a hipster, and you need to have a serious talk with yourself about what you hope to achieve in this life.

5.10.1997 28) "G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.," by Changing Faces

The chorus of the song features the two women harmonizing over the words, "I can do bad all by myself," and 1997 just keeps on surprising us, this time revealing the origins of a Tyler Perry movie title. I did some research. The only other results for "I can do bad all by myself" are all related to the Tyler Perry film. That kind of speaks to the quality of the lyric, y'know? Like, if a director of some repute (haven't seen any of his movies, they are not for me but assuredly competently helmed) carried this lyric with him long enough to name his movie-musical after it, surely, there's some value. Great work, Changing Faces. I hope more people than just me figured out the title was a reference to something.

42) "Blood on the Dance Floor," by Michael Jackson

Shortly before the voting results for the starting line-ups of the MLB All-Stars were announced, certain among the baseball internet argued that, as they were future Hall of Famers, players like Miguel Cabrera should be given extra consideration for a spot, since you aren't going to remember Justin Smoak in thirty years, but you might tell your grandchildren about Miguel Cabrera. And there is merit; Miguel Cabrera is more deserving of the All-Star designation than a Justin Smoak, since Miguel Cabrera is an actual star baseball player and Justin Smoak happened to hit 20 of his ~100? career home runs in three well-timed months. But if you're such a profoundly boring grandparent that you would tell your grandchildren about baseball players you watched on TV, and you tell them about Miguel Cabrera, are you going to tell them about the time he hit a grounder to second in the second inning of the 2017 MLB All-Star Game? Your grandchildren will ask you why you weren't watching a cooler sport. This song is okay, but if you introduced your grandchildren to Michael Jackson with this song, and your grandchildren discovered Michael Jackson years later, your grandchildren would emancipate themselves from their parents just to not be related to you anymore. Also, it would be worth noting to your grandchildren that Michael Jackson was probably a pedophile.

44) "Thinking of You," by Tony! Toni! Tone!

A more appropriate name for this band would have been Tony. Toni. Tone. (I'm sorry, Tone, but if I'm not gonna remember how to make the accented e for Beyonce, you are just incredibly out of luck.) This is chill. Maybe you can justify one exclamation point, but determining who gets the exclmation point probably would have caused intra-group strife, and I think it would've been more appropriate if the band's name reflected how chill they were. When Panic! At the Disco were going through their Beatles phase, they switched to Panic at the Disco. You should have been looking ahead through time and taking notes from them.

76) "I Wanna Be There," by Blessid Union of Souls

This song sounds like the song that kicks off the slow dances at the junior high school dance. It'll stop the kids from getting so rowdy that they start grinding, but isn't so romantic that they'll start making out on the dance floor. A safe ballad to keep the hands above the waist and prevent glances from being too meaningful. It simultaneously sets and kills the mood. It's a hard trick to pull off, but my stars, it does it!

83) "ESPN Presents: The Jock Jam," by Various Artists

/slow clap The YouTube description states, "FOR ENTERTAINMENT USE ONLY," and I want to meet the person who intended on using this for educational purposes.

90) "Call Me," by Too $hort ft./Lil' Kim

Imagine the thinkpieces if any of today's female rappers put the line "I slip myself a mickey, now that's the proper set off" in their song. Boy, this song sure exists! I don't think I've ever heard a song end with the two credited artists fucking. That's kind of amazing. What a song this is. This is off the soundtrack for the film Booty Call, and however much the music supervisor paid to have Too $hort and Lil' Kim make a song for their movie, they got their money's worth and more. Unless Booty Call is actually porn, there is no way it lives up to this song.

92) "The Old Apartment," by Barenaked Ladies

This seems like as good a point as any to stop the post, as I am not in the business of critiquing BNL. BARENAKED LADIES ARE TRIPLE PLATINUM. ARE YOU?!

The Top 20 for 1997 so far! 20) "MMMBop," by Hanson (5.3) 19) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow (3.29) 18) "It's All About U," by SWV (1.18) 17) "In My Bed," by Dru Hill (1.11) 16) "Talk to Me," by Wild Orchid (3.1) 15) "Please Don't Go," by No Mercy (2.8) 14) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass (4.19) 13) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z (5.3) 12) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 11) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 10) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 9) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 8) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 7) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 6) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 5) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 4) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 3) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 2) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 1) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) What a solid list. And it’s only gonna get more solid, what with the Third Eye Blind and Backstreet Boys and Robyn coming our way. It’s not gonna be as strong as this section was, I don’t think, but it at least has the capacity to surprise. Tune in Monday, I hope!

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