#boutta add another weird warrior cat kid to the autistic ranks

[mueritos]

hmngh. I have therapy today but Im going to bring up what I feel like are my autistic traits to my therapist. Inserting a read more cuz this got long, but if youre autistic, I would really appreciate some input/advice. This is just so long because I desperately am just searching for some sort of validation or anything really, but I guess its also practice to advocate for myself.

 She has said in past sessions that if I were autistic i’d be too “high functioning”, but I didnt have the knowledge or words or the introspection then to explain myself better. Ive been reading, taking lots of tests, watching a lot of videos, and reading up on autistic experiences. I relate to quite a bit of it and it has been both validating and equally as confusing. I keep doubting myself at every little thing, like doesn’t everyone feel like this? But i am an introverted possibly autistic person surrounded by friends who are extroverts with adhd, and the differences in our experiences has always been normal to me through the “introvert vs extrovert” perspective. Still, I wore my noise cancelling headphones to a music festival in my home town when out with friends and I felt like it really helped me calm down from the noise and the massive amount of people. Ive been letting myself rock when Im doing things, even if my mom points it out and tells me to stop. Ive been saying no to social gatherings for months now under the guise of “i have work to do”, but really its because I genuinely don’t know how to talk to people when its more than 3 of us in a gathering. I end up getting overwhelmed when people are talking over each other, and its always been worse when they’re drinking. I can handle my extrovert friends sober, but drunk is another story. Suddenly I feel the urge to cover my ears when someone says something a little too loud, I cringe when they speak over each other. I’ve had past experiences of people being excited/loud and I want to cringe from the noise and cover my ears, but I can’t because that would look rude. I don’t express myself the same way as others, and I am constantly confused by questions like “are you excited for __?” or “are you sad to be leaving ___?” No? I’m not, I genuinely don’t know what excitement feels like. I like when things have a start and an end, and I will never feel sad for something to end. I’ve stumped my friends and family when I told them I didn’t feel anything toward studying abroad, toward university, etc and etc. Sure I can feel momentary excitement and happiness, but it’s always been internal. I stress when I receive gifts because I worry I don’t look happy enough.

Like...it’s not normal for people to become irrationally angry or agitated when people burst into my room while Im drawing, right? It breaks my focus, and it’s so frustrating because now I can’t go back to what I was doing. I get irrationally angry when people express their happiness or excitement, because I don’t understand it. It confuses me, like why can’t you keep that inside like me? The last time I expressed true happiness was when I saw an email for a potential client, and I stared shaking my hands. It felt so good, but I would never do that in front of other people. “I’m excited” isn’t even part of my vocabulary is what I say often, but it’s true. It doesnt make sense to me to let everyone in the room know how im feeling. My emotions are very stagnant and I often don’t feel what I am actually feeling until theyre at extremes. I struggle with eating on time or if theres no routine. It’s why summer has always been the worst for me, because theres no longer classes or planned breaks for me to follow. I have mental schedules for each day and if they don’t get done or are disrupted, I get really upset because I expected for things to be done. I wasn’t always good at group work, and I had to learn really hard to be a good leader and not take control of everything. Most of my language and body language is based off what I learned from watching TV, and I remember struggling to be understood by others because of that and because of my speech impediment, which I still struggle with now. I remember getting in trouble in school over things that I thought were socially acceptable because I saw them being done in shows, like being “mean” to people. I followed rules very strictly and other kids found me annoying for it because I would snitch on them for it. I only really ever had one close friend up to high school, where thankfully I found a group of people who were just as weird and as queer as I was.

I constantly get asked if I’m okay because I look upset or sad. Apparently my RBF is that strong, because people have even been intimidated by me. I don’t look people in the eye when I am walking around, I kinda just stomp around because I’m faking being confident because I get so anxious by people staring at me. Eye contact has felt invasive for a long time, especially by strangers. I need large amounts of alone time to feel okay. The worst was when I was working 8am to 9pm for a BIPOC/Queer four day program for my campus. That was literal hell. I have never talked to so many people for so long in my life, and I hope I never have to ever again. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal for someone to get so socially exhuasted that you just withdraw completely. I couldn’t fathom speaking after a few hours, getting words out felt literally painful. All I could do when I got home was sleep and do it all over again. If someone tried talking to me when I got home, I was agitated and couldn’t control it. We had to take group photos and I couldn’t even fake a smile; my face muscles hurt and they began twitching. My inability to fake emotions has always been a problem, and Ive had facial twitching from trying to smile in the past during parties and other gatherings. I also feel like I hurt people when I tell them I dont miss them. I don’t think Ive ever felt like Ive missed anyone. I am perfectly fine on my own, and I think my independence makes other people feel like I dont love them. I struggle in romantic relationships because I feel like I dont show affection in a very traditional sense. Light touching feels awful, but when my boyfriends lays on top of me, it’s like I’m at peace and it feels awesome.

idk. I cud go on and on about this but my ignorance toward social situations, my sensory issues that I cant hide anymore, my difficulty with feeling emotions, and I suppose the way my intelligence was always used as a way to ignore all of these issues; it all has been catching up to me. Maybe it was the pandemic. I loved being at home, but the lack of routine made me depressed. I love wearing masks so people dont look at me and I can hide my deadpan face. Idk. Its just been a bit overwhelming lately as I let myself slowly be more in tune with whats happening. I dont know if i want an official diagnosis, but I guess I just want to feel like im not a freak for being different than my peers. Ive always felt behind them

If u read this far pheww thanks but now u know a lot more about my pysche than some of my friends haha. Its just been hard because my friends are starkly different than me, even if they are ND as well.

o well. guess ill figure things out

#muertotalks #asd #we'll see how todays therapy session goes #i was looking at my old middle skool diary and i got kinda sad #i was struggling so hard to fit and i was so depressed #i couldnt understand why my mind hated me and why it was so hard to be in school #sure i was feeling gender dysphoria without knowing it #but so much of what i reread sounded like...autistic burnout... #idk #we'll see #ive always been the weird kid #boutta add another weird warrior cat kid to the autistic ranks