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#but i genuinely would probably be much happier if i were completely offline
tomb-mold · 9 months
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coming on here legit makes me depressed. but so does my real life so like . 🙄🙄🙄
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jarofstyles · 4 years
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Fan Club VI
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A/N: After the emotional turmoil part 5 caused, here is some sweet sweet redemption from Mr. Styles. One part left to go after this!! - n + d
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masterlist
pairing: Harry Styles x Reader
warnings: smut, drug use (weed)
word count: 15k
It was good. The whole thing was going spectacularly well and Harry couldn’t be happier. Y/N had gotten him out of his shell a little bit and while it had only been a little while, he was adjusting very well with being with Y/N for real. In fact, he got quite clingy. He was nearing in on thinking he may love her. His Aquarius side made him double back and check but every sign was there. So he made an effort to do much more than what was asked of them. He had her over a lot, and visited her at the bakery nearly every morning for coffee, and he texted her all the time. Enough that she had gotten scolded at work about it. 
‘Hi, kitten. Can you come out with me for lunch? Casual. Just miss you. Xxxxxx’ 
Harry wanted to see her for both of their lunch hours. It was something he really was trying to do right by them. Make time for them even in the most hectic stages.
Y/N was nearing her break time, fully ready to go and grab something to eat. It was quite slow today, so she had been catching up on preparing dough to freeze. Now that she was officially dating Harry the bakery actually saw a lot more customers. They often had to bake off more goods throughout the day, which never used to happen. If there were any fans that came in, they didn’t act like they were. Her phone vibrated in her apron and she smiled, seeing as Harry had asked her out for lunch. Katya didn’t mind letting Y/N go out during her work day if it was to see Harry, she knew he was a busy man and that later in the year she wouldn’t see him much at all. 
‘hi bunny, where abouts shall I meet you? 🥰’
‘Little cafe a few streets over. I’ll meet you there.’
She had never been happier. Y/N let herself go completely with Harry, everyone had noticed how much cheerier she has gotten since being with him. Also the regular sex helped. “I’m going for my lunch. Meeting Harry nearby, so... I’ll be back in an hour or so? Text me if there’s a rush.”
Harry was beyond excited. It was the neediest he had ever felt in a relationship, if he was being truthful. Y/N took it all in stride but he would get Whiny when she couldn’t stay the night, or always asked for one more kiss. It was most likely because he was finally comfortable around her. Vulnerable. He was okay with pouting and hugging at her and she took it all with a wide smile on his face. And now that his mother and sister knew they were really dating, they were dying to get to know her. He had gotten a few texts that they’d followed her Instagram, which had amassed half a million followers. In branding terms, it was one of the most successful relationships in PR. It was real now though. Harry was going to insist she take the money for it because she had to deal with him, even if she didn’t use it on herself. He pulled in and got them a table near the back, waiting patiently for his girl to come in. He missed her and it had only been a few hours since he’d come in for coffee. Of course the bakery staff loved when he came in, because he tipped heavily and gave high praises.
A short five minutes later Y/N had made it to the cafe, spotting Harry near the back as he often tended to do. She had seen him earlier, but she really couldn’t help but mentally comment on how cute he looked. Be it the fan in her piping up. Y/N smiled one of her wide smiles at him, jogging a little to him with open arms as she got closer to him. 
“Hi baby.” She cooed, hugging him before pecking his lips softly. “How’s your day been so far?” 
“My, sweet girl.” Harry sighed. It was a relief to feel her back in his arms. It was a bit embarrassing how much Harry worried about her. It was sad because there had been 2 times he would panic and she would call him back and promise she was okay, she was showering or driving. But now that he had a person he cared this much about, it was overwhelming. It was like once he let go of that fear a bit, the emotion flowed in very quickly and absorbed into his brain. Harry loved it though, really did like how he felt so much for her. She looked utterly adorable in a rainbow striped shirt and some cuffed jeans, and it made him want to coo. “Look so cute.” He sighed, squeezing her hip before helping her sit. It wasn’t needed but he wanted to. It had been a long day so he had gone casual. 
Y/N was a smiley mess when she was with him, she swore he’d give her premature wrinkles on her baby face if he kept at it. “thank you, so do you... that shirt makes your chest look good.” She commented on his outfit, genuinely enjoying the sight. She liked his casual attire.
“S’been okay. Went to the gym and then down for album clean up. You know how it’s been lately.” Hectic. “Wanted to bring you with me to the studio tomorrow, actually. If that works. I want you to hear a few songs.” 
“You want me to come with you?” Y/N said excitedly. “Tomorrow? Yeah I can do.” Y/N nodded, knowing she kept all of her days off free for him. “I’ll go home real quick after work and grab some things and I’ll come over.” She nodded, knowing he’d want to see her tonight because he was being extra needy. Y/N looked over the menu, finding something she was in the mood for. “Is it weird to have pasta for lunch? Cause I want pasta.” She spoke half to him and half to herself. “I’m gonna get the gnocchi in the red sauce. There is tons of cheese on it.” Y/N rubbed her hands together with excitement.
“Not weird at all, baby. Don’t worry.” Harry really didn’t think Y/N could do any wrong at this point. She was lighting up his life. He hadn’t been this happy in a long time and he would do anything to keep it going. The fact she was sleeping over again was even better to him. It meant kisses and cuddles and perhaps a good round of sex. That was something else he looked forward to. It had been amazing. Something he couldn’t ever forget in his life. Harry was set for it. 
“That sounds perfect. Think m’gonna get... a veggie burger probably. Sweet potato fries. They’ve got that organic raspberry lemonade here, so I’ll get that as well.” He was on a bit of an organic kick, another reason he suggested this place. They wouldn’t talk about the dominos he ordered 4 nights ago after good sex. Nope.
Y/N smiled at how excited he was about the raspberry lemonade, he was so cute. “That sounds tasty, I’ll have one too.” She said, closing the menu and setting it to the side. Dating Harry was like a dream. He fed her well, gave her attention, fucked her good. There was nothing else she needed. He seemed happy as well and that is what was most important. 
The fans feedback was something that surprised Y/N. She tried to stay offline mainly because she had a nasty habit of reading comments. To be honest, most of them were really nice and made her smile, others were— filled with jealousy. There were a lot of comments about how they’d never seen Harry this happy and how they loved that she was a normal girl. It’s what she liked to hear really. 
“I’m actually really excited to go to the studio with you, Aw.” Y/N smiled, “it’ll be fun to see you in your element.” She was beyond excited to meet everyone on his team on the music side of things, his band mates. Y/N loved the music side of things, she would love to see how it was done.
“I just am excited to get you into all the aspects of my life.” It was weird. For how commitment-phobic Harry had been before, he was ready right now to integrate her into every part he possibly could. Weave her into any fiber and keep memories wherever he was able to get them. Maybe it was a bit of fear of losing her but, majority was just because he was truly falling for her every moment. “Everyone is very excited to meet you, my darling. Especially my mum...” He winced as she choked slightly on the provided water. They had to act casual when the waitress took their order, but he felt her eyes burning into him as skin as she left. “Babe... she called me and I couldn’t stop talking about you and how we had been hanging around a lot and s’why I haven’t called much. I told her what happened lately and now she’s been biting at me to try and get the both of you together. Gems as well.” He knew Y/N was a little intimidated by his mum and sister but there was no reason to be. They already quite liked her from what they saw. “Oh— and I dunno if you follow them but, they’ve followed your Instagram.”
His mum? Oh god. Y/N couldn’t have been more nervous now that Anne was aware of her existence, knowing what was out there on the internet. It was a natural step though, she knew Harry would want her to meet them at some point. But being a fan of Harry’s meant knowing who his family were and adding them on socials. Y/N took another sip of her drink as he told her that they followed her on Instagram, she nearly choked again. 
“They did?” Y/N asked, setting the drink down. “Of course I follow them, babe, been a fan for a long time of course I’m going to follow your mom and sister. Do you even follow me on Instagram?” She thought that was actually sweet that they had gone and followed her before having met her. Y/N knew she had nothing to be nervous about, but she was. They were so important to Harry and she wanted them to approve.
“Wait... I don’t.” Harry wasn’t huge with social media at all. 9/10 he was playing phone games or messaging someone or watching videos but he hadn’t realized he hadn’t followed her yet. That was the stupidest thing. So he took the phone out, handed it to her with a large grin on his face. “Type it in for me, but I wanna be the one to press the button.” He was being silly but he knew that the fangirl in Y/N would be grateful for that. He loved it too. How she sometimes got giddy looking at him. It was easy to tell. 
Y/N took his phone and searched for her name, shocked when she saw the sheer amount of followers she had gained. “Can’t believe you’re mom and sister followed me before you.” Y/N laughed, shaking her head as she handed him the phone. 
“Wait wait wait, let me take a video.” Y/N giggled, pulling out her phone and hit record. “Here is the moment I’ve been waiting for, go on babes.” She cooed, smiling as he hit the button and continued to film just because she thought he looked cute. She did that thing where she zoomed in on his face, “Ugh choke me king.” She ended the video after catching his reaction and laughed. 
Harry heard her phone ding. Finally. “Feel like an idiot. You’re with me every night and not even following you.” He shook his head. “Never gonna unfollow now. Unless you stop making lemon bars. Cause... I’d be very upset with you.” He teased. He really did eat his weight in them. “But they already really like you, love. Really. My mum keeps sayin’ how cute you are and how sweet you seem.”
“Honestly, it’s fine. A follow from you is not worth as much as a quality cuddle.” Y/N admitted and took a sip of her lemonade. Harry’s social media presence was always under a microscope but she was positive that people didn’t question why he hadn’t followed her. “aw wait really? She’s an angel. I watch her Instagram stories of the cats and they make my day.” Y/N blushed, “but I am excited to meet them. Nervous, but excited.”
“She’s probably got a kitten lined up for you to adopt. Swear. She sets up all of the people I bring around with cats. My sister, her boyfriend. My childhood friends. She’s a cat whisperer.” Harry wasn’t even kidding. Anne has a way with them and matches them to humans. “Also, why did you ask me to choke you? I mean, I will. But later.” He was a bit stupid when it came to fan language, but Y/N seemed to know that type of stuff. He figured she had an account but he only went on every so often. It was amazing to think that she was already familiar with his habits. Some may find it weird but he loved it. “You’ll get both that and a quality cuddle at home but, you’re an odd biscuit.” Harry sniffed out a laugh before putting his phone down. He would be searching through her account far and wide today and have questions later. 
Y/N laughed a proper laugh at his comment, “you really don’t check twitter as much as people think you do, huh baby?” She asked and reached out to take his hand just cause she wanted to hold it. “It’s like... when you find someone really attractive, in Internet culture it’s common to say things that are super outrageous that you would think to yourself but usually not say out loud.” Y/N tried her best to explain but it was just a strange concept. “So when I say, choke me king, I mean it... but also it’s just another way of saying you look really hot.” Y/N smiled, laughing a bit because she felt like it was common knowledge, but then again Harry wasn’t a hardcore stan. “promise me you won’t judge me for what I’ve said about you on the internet.” She knew better wouldn’t, but he would tease her. 
“Not going to judge you, my love. I don’t judge other fans whether. Everyone has their little vice. Their words. Their hobbies. Some people have me as their hobby or distraction? That’s great. I’m happy I can be that for them.” He had an appreciation for them that ran deep. Every single one. “But I’m interested to learn what it is. The lingo and all that. I want to learn about the culture and be more aware of it.” He suggested. “Can you teach me tonight?” Y/N would be the perfect tutor. She was a fan for years. “Now. The real question— what did you want to do for dinner tonight? Go out or eat in.” He figured eat in. “Probably will do take away because I’ll be too tired to cook. But you’ve got your key, yeah? I’ll leave some cash with you when we leave and you just order what you want for when I get home.” He could come home to Y/N in his house and that was incredibly amazing.
“You read my mind.” Y/N hummed, “I’ll figure out something for food, just text me when you’re on your way.” She had wanted to cook for him. She figured it would be something nice she could do for her man after a long day at work. It was essentially just a domestic simulator. She also wanted to pick something else out to wear underneath one of his t shirts. She had a really good idea.
“I’m excited to hang out with you tonight, love. I know it’s every night but I just don’t get tired of it. You make me so happy, you know that?” Harry's voice dropped, a shy smile on his mouth as he grabbed her smaller hand. “I hope m’not annoying.”
Y/N pouted in awe, squeezing his hand a little tighter at what he said. “Aw angel.” She said softly, “I swear I’m the happiest girl in the world all because of you.” She spoke quietly to him. Harry got shy around her sometimes and it made her heart swell up because he was her baby and he was the sweetest man alive. “Could never annoy me, you keep forgetting I’ve been enamored by you for nearly 10 years.” It was true. She doubted he could ever annoy her, she has spent every day of her life of the past 9 years thinking about him in some way shape or form. Y/N loved his attention and truly felt like she needed to be smothered in it after being so deprived.
Harry really did fear annoying her. He was still working on making it up to her for hurting her. It was clear that Y/N was basically over it and thrived off of the coddling and attention she got now but he still worried about it. From his past relationships, he was told he was a bit clingy and smothering and boring. Y/N hadn’t made him feel any of those things. 
“It tickles me that you were a fan. I love it. Makes me sad that I didn’t meet you beforehand though, at the shows... we could have been together for a long time before this.” Harry knew that he would have found her incredibly attractive even before. There was just something so incredibly drawing about Y/N that had Harry in awe. “I’m so lucky I met you.” He often became soft when it came to Y/N. The girl pulled things and emotions out of him he had never really been comfortable showing. “I’m happy that you aren’t annoyed though. Cause I plan on being around you for as long as you let me.”
Never did Y/N think that she would end up in the position that she was in right now. With Harry sitting across from her, looking and speaking to her in awe. She felt like she was the real life ‘Y/N’. Everything that happened in the last 5 months would say so. “Well you don’t really meet fans that much do you? Have to be insanely lucky.” Y/N said, stirring the straw in her drink. “You really think you would have fancied me?” She blushed at her own question, “would you have seen me and wanted to get to know me? I can’t imagine you’d ever do that.” Y/N said softly, feeling like it was unrealistic. Sure she thought she was beautiful, but she didn’t think she was show stopping or anything like Harry was making her out to be. Especially in her younger years. “We are lucky to have met each other.” Y/N smiles fondly, squeezing his hand a bit more. She really was lucky that Jeff had found her and picked her out of a bunch of contenders. She wondered what made Jeff pick her, wondered why she was the first person they asked and that they were insistent on having Harry date.
She truly didn’t understand just how attractive Harry thought she was, or how amazing he found her. Which was sad but also, he could understand. Millions adored him, apparently, and he couldn’t process how or why. Still. He wished Y/N could see her how he saw her. 
“I think I would have. But I know you won’t believe me, so.” He chuckled at her, shaking his head before he finished off his food. In the front, he could see two fans patiently waiting. “Hey— Wait, Y/N? There’s two fans up there. I want to go say hi and thank them for not interrupting but I dunno if you want to come or not.”
They hadn’t run into many fans at all because of their planning times, but now he was quite excited to. He did keep to himself and met fans when he came across them but he knew how to camouflage or blend into the streets. He was to himself and both he and Y/N had gone to get purposely photographed, but this was different. It was his favorite when fans waited for him and didn’t just interrupt.
Y/N turned her head to look at the fans, smiling at them and waving. She then turned to Harry, “I’m sure they just want to meet you babe, I can’t stay back it’s okay! If you want me to come with you I will.” Y/N said softly, genuinely not wanting to encroach on Harry’s time with his fans. 
If she was in the fans position, she’d want personal time with Harry and though she knew the fans quite liked her she still didn’t want to assume they wanted to meet her when they actually wanted to just meet Harry. She felt like the girls were super kind though, seeing as they had the decency to wait and not interrupt when they were clearly on a date. Y/N didn’t mind him going to meet his fans at all, in fact she would let him take his good old time. She knew how important it was for the both of them, and frankly, Y/N wanted everyone to love up on her boyfriend. She’d have all the time in the world with him.
“Come with me.” Harry suggested, taking her hand in his and throwing some money on the table. Enough for a good tip, and then some. Her small hand felt secure in his as he approached, only dropping it when he went to hug the both of them. 
“I’m sorry if we’re bothering you.” One said shyly. “We didn’t want to interrupt.”
Harry just smiled. “Not at all. You didn’t interrupt, I appreciate you waiting.” The girls were giddy, and it was adorable. 
“Oh— Y/N, right? we follow your instagram. You’re so pretty. All your photos are amazing but you’re even prettier in person.” 
“Oh my god, thank you so much.” Y/N cooed, going in to hug them without them asking. They were so sweet, they deserved all the hugs possible. Harry was proud of that. People were complimenting his girlfriend and loving her and he was thriving because of it. Everyone loves Y/N. That’s how it should be. 
“You did really good, Harry. She’s so nice.” The other one said shyly. He could feel his ego expanding as he nodded. 
“I did indeed. Now. Did we want photos?”
“Here, let me take them.” Y/N offered, taking about twenty photos on each of the girls phones at different angles because she knew that’s what she would have wanted. “Give me a silly one now, go on.” She directed, knowing that it would be really cute if each of the girls had variations. Again, it’s what she would have wanted. “Do you guys have Twitter?” Y/N asked with a hum, “mind if I give you guys a follow?” She asked shyly. She really liked stan Twitter and just because she was dating Harry now didn’t mean that she wouldn’t still tweet about him.
It was a few photos and chatting, and Y/N had stolen the show. It’s just how it was. She giggled with the other fan as they took their photos and when they switched so the other girl could take her pictures, it was the same thing. Y/N had her own little friends now. Harry’s interest was stroked. Oh? A twitter. He hadn’t even thought about that. A damn Twitter. Fucks sake, she had a fan account! He had to find it. There had to be some funny and sweet things tweeted on there, right? He sure as hell hoped they were sweet, anyways. Some of his fans could drag him to filth and he knew it. While funny— he wasn’t sure what Y/N would be like. 
“Yes! Yes, we would love that.” 
Y/N followed the both of them, smiling as she saw they were already following her and it made her feel all soft inside. It was really sweet. “okay amazing, I’ll be seeing you on my timeline then.” Y/N hummed and pushed a few pieces of hair behind her ear. 
Harry watched with a little smile as she exchanged twitter stuff with them and was so fucking happy. None of his other relationships had gone too well with fans. Same with the girls. They’d not really been the biggest fan of the fans, ironically. They could be invasive and rude to protect him but, he knew it was all in the love of their hearts.
“I hate to cut this off ladies, but Y/N has to go back to work. Her sister will be a pouty puppy if she’s late.” He said regretfully, gently placing his hand on Y/N’s shoulder. “Lovely to meet you both!”
Y/N looked over at Harry, almost forgetting that he was there for a moment but he was right. She set her hand over his, “it was so nice to meet you, have a great rest of your day!” She spoke, watching as the two of them turned to walk off before going to give Harry a hug. “That was so cute.” Y/N hummed, “can’t believe they were so nice, I was almost expecting them to just give me a small hello but that was— Aw.” She was truly happy they accepted her as his girlfriend. She knew that fans had never been approving of his girlfriends so it meant a lot that she made the cut. “You’re also so cute with them, I cry.”
“It was incredibly cute, but you were the reason.” Harry laughed. God. He adored this sweet thing so much. “It’s so nice to see fans love a girlfriend of mine so much. They really aren’t huge on people in my life and are so overprotective— well, you obviously know that.” He forgot for a moment that she knew all too well because she had been a fan once. “Speaking of, actually... I want to know what you all thought of my other relationships. Think about it and tell me tonight during my cute little fan talk lessons.” He had to part with her at his car, pouting slightly when he kissed her a few times. She tasted like the raspberry lemonade they’d been sipping on. “Here’s the money for the take away, just order whatever you want and go home before me.” He didn’t realize he was calling it home so much. But it was too soon to ask her to move in. Right? Yeah. So he just tried to get her over as much as possible.
Y/N raised her brows as he told her he wanted to hear about what she thought about his past relationship. “Are you sure you want to know?” She asked, pecking his lips quickly because she couldn’t resist it. Plus, Harry was okay with them kissing in public which was nice. “Alright, baby.” Y/N hummed, pecking his lips a few more times before giving him one last hug. “I’ll see you later. Have fun at the studio.” She told him before going off into the bakery where she was met by her smiling sister. Katya was just so happy to see her so happy.
The rest of the work day went by pretty quickly and Y/N was happy about it. The little break in between really did help. She quickly nipped home to pack an outfit to wear to the studio tomorrow, but also to change into something more cozy adding something saucy underneath. He wouldn’t suspect a thing. Y/N had also decided to pop by the grocery store on her way to Harry’s, getting some ingredients for a nice stir fry that she intended to cook up in time for him to come home to. She felt like it would be much more sweet than take away, they always ended up ordering out when they were together.
Harry had a long day in the studio, and he was tired. All he wanted was to curl in the bed with Y/N and play the food television channel and have her play with his hair. It had been on his mind all day that he was going home to her and he was so unbelievably excited about it. 
‘Comin home now my kitten (: xxxx’ 
He had sent her that before getting in the car, sighing happily as he turned it on to start the journey home. He was buzzing over the idea of Y/N just living there. Coming home to her and not having an empty home. Maybe she could expand the bakery chain they had to LA and stay there when he did more recording? Wishful thinking but, he wanted to have her at all times even if it wasn’t possible. However the day got even better when he got home and stepped into the kitchen, seeing a sight that he was beginning to hope was a forever thing. Y/N had the music on his speaker, swinging her hips as she sang along to some music. But more importantly, she was cooking dinner and there was a plate of lemon bars on the counter. 
“Think I’ve died and gone to heaven.” Harry was incredibly down for a domestic night in. What others had said was boring, Y/N was voluntarily doing it for him.
Y/N started cooking when Harry sent her the text, wanting to make sure it was nice and hot. She had taken the liberty of making herself at home as she usually did, connecting to the speaker and just jamming out as she took over his kitchen. Y/N wanted to make it as thoughtful as possible considering Harry had been so sweet to her, setting the table all cute with some candles. She also had made sure to bring some lemon bars over for him to have on hand. He loved those things. She heard him come in, lifting her head up and smiling one of her wide smiles at him for the third time today. Y/N was always happy to see him. 
“Rightly so, cause you’re an angel.” Y/N commented, running over to greet him properly. She wrapped her arms around his neck and got on her tippy toes to be level with him so she could kiss him. “You sir, go change and get all comfy. I’m just finishing up with dinner, it should be around 5 minutes.” She told him, pecking his lips once again. Y/N wasn’t sure what’s gotten into her today, but she was feeling super appreciative today. Even more so than usual.
“Mm, I dunno...” Harry muttered. “Should just have you for dinner, hm?” He playfully nipped her bottom lip and felt the girl squeak and giggle as he gently tickled her sides. There was something about her in his clothes, in his kitchen and making the both of them food that was utterly arousing to him. Beyond it. He wanted to bend her over the counter but his stomach had growled in protest. “I’ll change and freshen up. Keep lookin’ proper fit and making good food.” He playfully swatted her behind before placing his keys on the counter and working up the stairs to his room. He changed into a Grey sweater and some basketball shorts, leaving his feet covered in socks. A beanie was thrown on too, knowing that Y/N had mentioned it to him a few days ago when she saw it in his closet.
“Later, later...” Y/N hummed, smiling smugly at him at his comments. She was just so glad he was home, she felt like she could finally relax and she was finally content. “go.” She pecked his lips again, deciding she too would smack his ass as he turned around to head up stairs. That really was her man. 
Y/N was getting lit to her playlist, various types of music on there including some trap, because who didn’t love listening to some trashy trap music from time to time? It was good hype music too. “You know why these bitches love me? Cause baby don’t give a fuck. I be fixin' the weave while she suckin' my dick pull it out, then I titty fuck” She rapped along to the lyrics of ‘Cash Shit’, startled as Harry started to speak. 
“It smells amazing, sweetheart.” Harry walked into the kitchen to see her swinging her butt around, yelping when he spoke. “What? Why are you stopping the show?”
Y/N turned down the music a bit, blushing a bit and went to plate the food as it was ready. She looked at Harry as he asked why she stopped the show, shaking her head. “Cause you can get a private one later.” She shrugged, deciding that would be more effective than whatever she was doing in this kitchen.
Harry brows raised up and he took her word for it. A private show? Hell yeah. When he had been spooked at the strippers for his 19th birthday party, he would be very happy to see his Y/N run around and dance for him. Especially in his clothes. 
“I’m hungry, so I can wait for the show.” He laughed, turning the music down and grabbing the plate she had made up to bring it to the table. He grabbed the drinks and set the table up for them, humming as he did so. It hadn’t been very long at all with Y/N being his real girlfriend, but it was the most comfortable he had ever been with someone. He would tell her that later but he was relishing in the comfortable and warm energy in the home.
Y/N walked over to the table once everything was in order, taking a seat next across from Harry. She lit the candles she placed on the table, winking at Harry as she did so. “Some romantic ambiance.” She teased, setting the lighter down before looking down at her food. She loved stir fry and asian cuisine in general, she thought it was delicious and quite easy to make. Y/N took a forkful into her mouth and moaned, doing a little dance. It was really good, she hoped that he enjoyed it. 
“How was the rest of your day? How’d the studio session go?” She asked, genuinely curious because well, she loved hearing him talk about music. Y/N was sure he never got tired of talking about it, but also, it was different talking to her about it than an interviewer per say. “The bakery was quite busy... it’s getting super busy lately and I think it’s because of you actually... you’re a loyal customer and now everyone wants to try.”
Harry loved her reactions to food. She always got so excited and pleased with it and gave adorable little reactions that had him nearly cooing. Even before they were together together, he had found it endearing. 
“The session was good. Finishing up a song. You’ll be at the tail end tomorrow which is kind of boring but also interesting. It’s a lot of re—recording things that aren’t just right, moving things around, trying different takes. But I think you’ll enjoy it. You always seem interested in it.” He felt that she would be the perfect candidate for a third ear. “I’m glad we can get people in there to try. They’re bound to end up repeating customers too.” He had no doubt. “I’m excited to see how much it grows from now on. If I can help in any way, I would really like to.” It was an honest offer. When he took a bite, he hummed happily. “Hm. This is really good, baby.” He complimented. “‘Not only a little baker, but a cute chef on my hands too?”
It warmed Y/N’s heart to know that he wanted to help her with the bakery the best he could. She and Katya put her heart and soul into it, so to see it start to take off was truly incredible. “Thank you baby.. and I’m glad to hear you had a good day.” It just seemed like the two of them seeing each other throughout the day improved their work ethic too. They really were so good for each other. “A domestic goddess I am.” She joked, taking another bite because she really was hungry as well. “I figured it would be nice to cook for you since we’ve been eating out so much. Have a nice relatively healthy meal.” Y/N shrugged and took a sip of her water. She truly didn’t mind cooking either, much like baking it was one of her passions. “I’ve known you for how long now? Like 5 months and we’ve been properly dating for like a month?” Y/N wasn’t exactly sure, she had to look, but roughly those were the numbers. “Wow...” she chuckled to herself, realizing just how deep she was in already. Y/N often fell deep for guys, giving them 100% straight out the gate and kept it consistent. She’d never really had any proper luck. Harry was her first actual boyfriend. “I usually eat a lot healthier, but I like to focus all my time with you on you, so I haven’t been cooking much.” When she went home before he would cook himself food or order from nicer places or go out with other friends but now he didn’t want to waste a moment. Not when Y/N was around.
“A proper month, huh? Feels a lot longer for some reason.” It was just an incredibly comfortable dynamic between them. They just got one another perfectly. She hadn’t given up on him when he was an asshole and he was always going to remember that. “5 months sounds correct. Although I wish I hadn’t been such a tool the first few, I’m glad I get to make it up to you now.” Y/N would soon even be flooded with gifts and a huge surprise for her birthday. He had stopped by the bakery to tell Katya on one of Y/N’s off days so he could figure out how to help with her absence. He was having a friend from Cheshire come down to help while Y/N was away with him. “It feels a lot more comfortable with you. Like... dunno how to explain it but it’s something that I haven't felt with anyone else. You know?”
Hearing Harry say that made Y/N incredibly soft. All she had ever wanted was to make Harry feel comfortable and loved. He deserved it. She felt like all his previous relationships, from what she knew about them, he felt like he had to prove himself in some way and it hurt her heart to think about. 
“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.” She started, “you’re so special to me. I know I don’t say it a lot, mostly because I’m still so in my head about trying not to freak you out. I always knew that if I ever got to date you that I’d make you the happiest man in the world... and I’ve made that my mission daily.” Y/N blushed, looking down at her food before taking another bite because she felt like she could ramble about how much she cared about him for hours. If she wasn’t careful she’d end up saying the L word. She loved him. Properly. Not just in a fan way, but in a true romantic way. Y/N had grown to get to know him and all his quirks that many didn’t know about him, she’d gotten to experience him as a lover, as a friend, as her number one fan. And she loved him, she was positive.
“Angel... I don’t want you to censor yourself around me. I want to know what you think. Even if you think it’s cringey, I can almost guarantee I want to hear it.” Harry promised. Any thought of Y/N’s, he would die to hear. “I mean it. I want to know all about your little likes of mine. I went on twitter today and poke around quietly to see some fan accounts. It’s interesting to me how little things I do, they like so much. I know that in the band it would freak the other guys out a little but... I guess for me, I’m intrigued with how it works and what things my fans really like me doing.” He was an innocent puppy when it came to those things. “But let me tell you... that you’re already making me the happiest I’ve been. So you’re right on track. Especially cooking me good food and giving me someone to come home to.” His smile was genuine and soft to her. “I had been lonely for a long time.”
“Okay but like, I don’t think you understand the extent.” Y/N blushed, knowing he said he could handle it but she was nervous because she knew it would come off very obsessive even though she just really cared about him. So fucking deeply she cared about him. It was only amplified now that she consistently had him as a part of her life. “Baby... that’s so cute.” She pouted, wanting to smother him in kisses. Y/N constantly just wanted to squeeze him, attack him with kisses as he often did with her. Everything he did just sent her. “You can um.. look through my Twitter after dinner if you’d like. I post a lot about you on there.” Y/N explained, it was strictly a stan account. “You’re never going to be lonely again. And I mean that.” Y/N said genuinely, knowing that if things continued to go this well she would happily marry him. She had been wanting nothing more. Dating Harry was even better than she had ever imagined, and though she knew they could get in little fights here and there, they’d always find their way back.
Harry didn’t plan on this having an end date. His Aquarius sun had fought him a bit in the beginning, being so sure that Y/N wasn’t the one, but once they’d decided on being together? He was keeping her. There was a lot of stubbornness in Harry, and he had decided Y/N was the one for him. 
“I’m not lettin’ you go so I’m glad you've come to terms with it.” He smirked at her. God, he adored this pretty girl with his whole heart. It was entering love territory though, and that oddly didn’t scare him as much as he thought it would. Sure, it was scary in some ways. Letting her have his whole heart in his palm. But he trusted her. “But you’re giving me your Twitter? Oooooo.” Harry wiggled his brows. “Gonna read all your direct messages too. I’m very excited to see what you could possibly have on there.” He knew there had to be some real shit because she groaned and blushed. “Can’t take it back! Nope. It’s fine for me to know the true fan in you. But it isn’t going to freak me out, baby. After dinner, we can settle on the couch or even in bed and cuddle a little. Been lookin forward all day.”
A calm feel over Y/N as he told her that he wasn’t letting her go. She believed him. She actually believed him and that was the best part about it. Never in her life had Y/N ever felt truly cared for and accepted, never had she expected it to be Harry. She had always wanted it to be him, dreamed about it being him, and the fact that he was suggesting she really was the one for him? God she couldn’t put that feeling into words. 
“Yes I am, don’t make me regret it.” Y/N said in a stern tone though it really had no bite behind it. When he mentioned direct messages she fumbled with her fork. “Oh god, I don’t even know what I sent—” Y/N shook her head. He didn’t follow her on twitter but she had had someone put her in a group chat with him and then leave. Essentially gifting her a dm with him. A cuddle did sound really nice though, she’d let him read through it though just so she could listen to his voice and relax with him. Y/N knew there would be some funny tweets and some emotional tweets. Just a roller coaster of things really.
Dinner was relaxing and calm and he found himself on the couch with Y/N in no time. They’d cleaned up the dishes together and settled in, Harry sending Y/N to find the nice big blanket in the ball closer. When he came back, he found a little Y/N burrito in the blankets and swore his heart melted. 
“Dunno where my pretty girlfriend has gone. All I see is this burrito. Looks awfully similar though.” Harry smirked at the joke and she sent him an eye roll but obviously found it cute by the blush on her cheeks. “Now, if my burrito girlfriend will unroll, let her boyfriend inside said blanket burrito and give him said phone to look through the twitter app, it would be appreciated.” He sat on the couch and waited expectantly for her.
Y/N giggled, rolling herself out of the burrito with ease. She crawled into Harry’s lap and sat sideways with her back against the arm of the chair so she could watch him look through her Twitter. This would be fun. 
“Okay so, the best way to do it is this...” Y/N said, typing in her at name and the word ‘harry’ into the search bar revealing all the tweets about Harry that she has made over the years. Oh boy. “My first tweet dates back to 2012, are you ready?” Y/N shook her head, handing him the phone so he could begin to scroll through. 
A lot of the tweets were just his name or saying something along the lines of ‘harry is so hot’ or ‘I love harry’. All of which were true, it just shocked her because of the sheer amount she had tweeted about him. Hundreds and hundreds of tweets and those were just the ones with his name in them. That didn’t count all the photos she had tweeted or videos she reacted to. Harry couldn’t believe how many tweets there were. He was in awe. Y/N hadn’t been lying. Not that Harry has thought she was but this just solidified the fact that she was a mega fan. All else aside? It was fucking hilarious. 
“Wow... my god, Y/N.” He giggled. “You’ve been a fan since... you were a wee sperm? And now you swallow my sperm. Talk about character development.” Harry snickered. Y/N gasped and smacked his shoulder lightly but he wasn’t going to stop. Oh no. This was too good. “The screenshot. You think I’m cute and want to fuck me? Even on that day! I appreciate it.” It was incredibly funny and surreal to see how she has genuinely been tweeting at him for years and years. “Another December girlfriend... that's cold. Considering you were a December girlfriend for a time. Life’s crazy. But now you’re my all seasons girlfriend, so you win.” He kissed the side of her head and continued on. “Hmmm. Love my butt. Want to suck my dick! I can’t say I’m not having the time of my life. This is the best ego boost.” He smirked. “Wait... I spit at you?” He widened his eyes and a large smile on his face. It turned dirty quicker. “So... went from loving that you had water spit on you, to now asking me to spit in your mouth. Such a good grown up situation.”
Y/N blushed deeply, shaking her head to herself as she read through some of the tweets herself. But despite her embarrassment, Harry was enjoying them so she let herself go a bit and just accepted that she was cringey when she was younger. 
“Harry I was a minor!!” Y/N shook her head, laughing at his comments. “But they did age well. All accurate. Still think you’re cute and wanna fuck you at the same time, I was your December girlfriend but now I’m just your girlfriend, also... love your butt and want to suck your dick still so... I’m consistent if anything.” Y/N said as a matter of factly. “Where do you think that kink came from?” Y/N chuckled, looking at him with a raised brow. She cupped his cheek and just looked at him in awe for a moment, “you know how surreal this is? For me? It’s documented how I’ve been dreaming about this for 9 whole years...” Y/N truly got emotional thinking about it. Her thumb swiped over his bottom lip, smiling fondly at him for a moment before pressing a sweet and kiss to his lips and pulled away to nuzzle her face into his neck. “Okay continue.”
“Mm. I know. I wouldn’t have made a move on you back then if you were a minor. I don’t do that. Unlike other band members.” Harry shrugged. What? It sat with him wrong that Liam was dating a girl when she was underage and lied about it to everyone possible.
“Oop.” Y/N said with a giggle, knowing exactly who he was talking about. It was weird for Y/N to suddenly know all the ins and outs of the band and things in Harry’s life, but it made a lot more sense and explained why Harry is the way he is and why he acts a certain way. 
 “I’m glad though. That you get to live this out with me. Cause if you weren’t a fan we wouldn’t have met... but we are so suited for each other.” They truly were the most suited for one another that he had ever seen. The photos of them faking were very real looking because they both harbored those feelings. “You’re something else. My god, Kiska.” He chuckled as he placed a hand on her thigh as he continued to read. “There's a whole lot about my dick here. Been dirty for forever. And then you get soft... aw. Sayin’ you want to wear my sweater. The purple one? You can. It’s put away in my little chest but I can dig it out for you.”
Y/N picked up her head from his neck, “really?” She asked with eyes full of wonder. “I think you should at least wear that color more... we all went crazy. You just looked so cute and soft and it made your eyes look nice.” Y/N’s tone was so gooey. It was clear to tell that she had been very invested. “You gave me all those shirts to wear and like... all of them are so iconic among fans. If only you knew.” Y/N commented, wondering what else he had hidden in that chest of his. Maybe she could find some old gems. Y/N knew twitter was a safe option for him to scroll freely on. Something that she hoped stayed a secret was her tumblr, but she had a feeling fans would dig it up somehow.
“Well tell meee.” Harry whined, handing her phone back. “Memorized your user and stuff so I will look at more later. But I want my lesson in what you fans like.” He leaned back against the couch and wrapped his arm around her, letting her settle into his body. “Want to know what drives all of you crazy and what you hate and love. It’s so interesting to me.” He was so intrigued by it all. Y/N knee more than anyone else he knew though. “What is the lingo and stuff? I feel like a middle aged father when it comes to learning the hip things. Also... don’t think I didn’t catch those other tweets. Calling me daddy since then, huh? That’s interesting. Considering how often you use it to get what you want now.”
“So you want to know the tea?” Y/N started off, getting properly cozy with him on the couch. “Do you know what tea means?” She asked, wondering how basic his knowledge was. Y/N felt like tea was a common word used so he should know it, but he probably still struggled to grasp the concept. “Tea is gossip. Do you want to know the gossip?” Y/N felt like she could teach him easily, but it would take a while. Maybe some observing on twitter will help. “Contextual clues help as well, but let’s get into it.” She hummed and thought about his question. “So, we love seeing pictures of you anytime anywhere doing anything. Your fans are essentially all like girlfriends, they all want to love and protect you.” Y/N smiled as she explained. “We love when you just act like yourself, when you’re goofy and just do your quirky Harry things. Like that nose scrunch you do and rub your nose with your knuckle. And you picking your lip.” Y/N pointed out a few harrisims. “The way you say the word ‘obviously’ like ‘ovishly’” she giggled at that one because it was just really cute. “Don’t really hate anything besides the fact that you didn’t really have good friends around you till recently. People would stalk the people you hung out with and report back to us, essentially giving us all the insights... a fan background check if you will. That’s why all your previous relationships weren’t as successful. They didn’t have a good track record.” Y/N explained to him, “mines flawless, obviously.” She winked.
“It’s so odd to think that those things are so normal but you all like them much. Not in a bad way at all but... it’s just incredibly interesting to know that things I don’t even think twice about are your favorite things.” Harry was shocked. The nose thing and how he said certain words weren’t conscious decisions. “Also.. tea? I’ve heard someone say the phrase before but I wasn’t paying all that much attention if m’honest.” He admitted to Y/N. She would get that he wasn’t at all that current and stayed off of socials usually. “Obviously... I’m not the most up to date. But I like learning. I feel good that you are at least in the know about this stuff. Can always ask you about them. I have a question though. Do people mean it when they ask me to run them over? It seems a bit excessive and I would never, but I see a lot of people telling me they want me to and I don’t get it.”
“I know baby, we just love the things that are unique to you. Being a fan is not different than having a crush I think.” Y/N explained, “it’s a strange relationship between artists and fans... because the way artists’ speak to fans like, telling them they love, appreciate, support, and accept them? that can do a lot for someone who is impressionable.” She would know first hand. 
“it puts fans in a headspace where they feel safe with that person because they feel seen and heard. It’s quite special. I think it’s really lovely that you’re curious to know what it’s like... it shows so much about your character and I know for a fact your fans know just how great you are. We fight for you... but everyone loves you.” Y/N felt like she was rambling but he needed to know all of this. Y/N snorted a bit when he mentioned the run me over trend, shaking her head. “No, baby, they don’t mean it.” She said, combing through his hair with her fingers. “Best way to explain it is, when you're so attracted to someone to love someone so much that it’s overwhelming, you would rather feel intense pain? A lot of it is for comedic effect.” It was harder to explain than she thought. “It’s a more extreme version of ‘choke me daddy’.”
Harry absorbed all the information. It was a lot to take in but truthfully, he was in awe. They loved him so much, didn’t they? He always knew that, of course he did. But it was something else completely when it came down to it. He was some people’s happiness and truly, Harry couldn’t understand it fully. 
“Kind of like with you. Like you so much that wanna bash my head in sometimes. Always thinking about you.” He pulled a quick move and rubbed her to straddle his lap. His arms wrapped around her waist and held her to him, fingers sneaking up the shirt to rub the bare skin of her back. Harry has found that she melted with just a little bit of back rubbing. “I do like when you tell me to choke you, though. S’fun. We have immaculate sex.” He hummed. Sex hadn’t ever been this good. Ever. Y/N was adventurous and kinky. “Speeeeeaking of. Is there anything you’d like to try?” He’s meant to have this conversation earlier. “We really kind of just... hopped into it. I think we can just tell what we like. But I wanted to ask if there’s things you like and don’t like. Be more open about it.”
Y/N giggled at how he did his best to make a similar comment, he was adorable. She squeaked a bit as he made a quick move to have her straddling him, it was her favorite position really both for sex and for cuddling. It felt properly close, like she could hold him completely just like he could hold her. 
“Course you do.” Y/N snickered, pecking his nose softly. “We do have immaculate sex, truly have never had better.” She agreed, watching his smile widen as it always did when she gave him compliments like that. Harry really did just tend to every need of hers and she was always eager to do the same. “Um... well, I’d be truly willing to try anything as long as you’d be up for it.” Y/N said truthfully, thinking a bit about what they could try that they haven’t tried just yet. “You’re an actor now, maybe you’d like to experiment in some role play at some point.” She teased, “haven’t tied me up yet either... haven’t got any toys either.” Y/N brought up, wondering what was on his mind when it came to these things.
“Hm... would like to do all of those, I believe. I think that it would be good. Toys would be fun. Know those little wand vibrators? Would be fun to tie you up and use one on you.” Oh, Harry could be evil in that sense. Over sensitivity was fun because Y/N got so whimpers and whiny, her legs would shake and he was obsessed with making her little noises she would make. “We’ll have to order some toys. Trying to decide if I should just order some fun things or have you help me, though.” He said in faux thought. Of course he would include Y/N in it. Through their many many sexual rounds, he found that she was rather submissive. Liked when he took control and ordered her to do things. Was an absolute pro at sucking his cock. Truly... he loved it. But what he had found out was that he was a slut for licking her out. 
A lot of the time he would wake her up with his mouth between her thighs. It couldn’t be helped. The girl tasted so sweet, her cunt was beautiful, and she would wake up and make the cutest noises. A few times she tried to physically push her away from sensitivity  and he just held on and continued for another two orgasms. She fell asleep back after that. It was weird but he felt like he was on a high every time he did it. Some men didn’t like it but Harry has a growing obsession. 
“Speaking of again.. can I eat you out tonight?” Harry loved making her blush when he asked them so bluntly.
Y/N’s eyes darkened, excited to hear that he was willing to try everything she had mentioned. “Could do both... order some things with me and without me. I like surprises.” Y/N smiled mischievously, relaxing into the feeling of his hands against her back. The one thing that shook Y/N to her core was just how much he liked eating her out. He would use any excuse to go down on her and it was truly a blessing. Never had she had a man worship her pussy the way Harry did, she felt like she was some godly creature with the way he took pleasure in pleasuring her. Her face went red, tingles sent directly to her core at the mere thought. “You don’t have to ask, you know that..” Y/N said shyly, fully wanting him to know that she would be okay with him eating her out whenever he wanted. Literally whenever. She’d never be opposed. They both had a high sex drive and it sometimes got the best of them, neither of them would ever say no. One of them was in the mood and then the other always got the other in the mood fairly quickly. “I want to know what else you’re into... like wildest things.”
“Hm. Sounds like a conversation over a blunt, hm?” Harry and Y/N had only smoked together 3 times but it really was nice. Sex was a bit wilder too. They let down their inhibitions and generally had a lot dirtier things come out of their mouths during so he figured it would be a good conversation to have over smoking. Y/N perked up, and Harry laughed. His girl did quite like it. “I’ll tell you some wild things, dirty ones. But I need to be high to not be a little shy about it.” It was understandable though. The both of them were very much open but sex was their golden area. It only took a few minutes before Y/N was back on his lap, sitting with her thighs over him now. Harry took a hit, letting it settle for a moment before breathing it out. He swore, there was some kind of kink he had for Y/N when she smoked because it always looked incredibly sexy. 
“Alright, princess.” He settled in. “You want to know kinks? Or fantasies? We both know I’m a very dirty man.”
Perks of dating Harry meant good quality weed and pre rolled joints and blunts. Y/N was pretty good at rolling herself. It was Y/N’s biggest vice next to sex. She watched as he lit the blunt, taking a few hits of it before handing it to her. Y/N breathed in the smoke, holding it in her lungs for a moment before letting it out. It truly was one of the most relaxing feelings, especially someone like her who seemed to be tense all the time without even realizing it. 
“Mhm, anything you’re willing to tell me.” She said and took another hit, feeling herself relax even more. Her filters were going away, her mind more open to creativity as well. “You are a dirty man, my dirty man though. Always know what I want somehow.”
“Hm. It’s weird that we haven’t had this conversation before now but, we are just starting off, huh?” Harry thought out loud. “It feels a lot longer. I dunno, I just feel like I know you.” He still had so much more to figure out about her though. “Hm. Okay... I have a kink for public stuff.” A bold beginning. “Like... when I played with you at the club? That was one of the hottest things.. I like the danger. People may see. It’s so hot. Like, head or fucking in the car. Dressing room or bathroom sex. Fingering under a table. That shit really gets to me.” He cleared his throat, taking the blunt from her again. “I really like messy. Know you know that but. When it’s really hot and dirty, lots of cum and all of that. I dunno why it gets me off. Spit. That’s beyond sexy to me.” He was trying to think of more but there was a lot. “I like spanking you. Being in control. That’s the hottest thing to me, I think. You trusting me with being in charge and being able to tell how much you can handle. That’s so good. When you get a bit sassy and I spank you? I’d like you to be a lot more bratty sometimes so I can really spank you. Make you melt.”
Y/N listened to him intently, admiring him with hooded eyes. He really was kinky, but it wasn’t anything Y/N felt was wild. It was perfect for someone like her who loved being dirty and really letting go during sex.
 “It’s good we are talking about this because sometimes I have these moments where you’re fucking me so good that I like... get into this headspace where I would legit do anything you asked. Think it’s called subspace? I did research on it the other day.” It was one of the hottest things she felt like she could do. It made him hot and that fueled her even more. “I like all of those things. Very much so.” Y/N said with a nod, taking the blunt from him once again. Even just talking about sex got her in the mood. “Did you know I can squirt?” She asked with a smirk, taking another hit from the blunt while she watched his reaction. “It kind just happened one time when I was getting off with a vibrator, I tease the fuck out of myself all day... it was like this one really sensitive part of my clit and it hurt a bit but in a good way, and it felt like I was going to wee but it just fished out and I was so in shock I couldn’t register that I had actually done it.” She spoke in her slow and raspy voice. “Could have phone sex or FaceTime sex as well... when you’re away though, not yet. While you’re here I want to have fucking me till I cry.” Y/N really was a whore for Harry, she couldn’t believe the extent that she would go for him but she liked that she felt comfortable like that. “Be careful what you wish for...” she said when he said he wanted her to be more bratty.
“You can? Well... s’my mission now to get you squirting.” Oh, 100%. Y/N would be getting the bed all messy and that was that. It was a hot thing he hadn’t known she was able to do but was about to make sure it happened very soon. He was also very happy about being able to get her to subspace. It was beyond hot in his opinion because she opened herself up to him and gave him exactly what they’d both needed. Harry control, and her loss of it. “I will definitely be getting you into that space more often. I love making you over sensitive too. When your legs shake and you tell me to stop but you don’t mean it. Or when you can’t even get words out and just sounds. That’s amazing.” He sighed thinking about said things. It was lovely. “However, I am aware of what I’m wishing for. I’ll give you hints when I want it though. You’re usually such a good girl for me. I will definitely be ducking you until you cry tonight. The only tears I want are tears of pleasure and happiness.” He stated. “How do you feel about the other type of sex.” Harry wiggled his brows playfully. God, he was a slut for some ass but he knew it was a hard limit for some. “And about me watching you get off. Cause that’s something hot I’d like to see.”
“You’re quite good at it... I tried to hold myself back from falling completely into it because we hadn’t had a proper conversation about it. But now that you’re aware, I can go all in.” Y/N hummed, “didn’t want you to be caught off guard.” Y/N explained farther knowing that Harry was more than capable of coaching her through her subspace. She whimpered at his words, beyond ready for him to fuck her till she was crying. “Anal? I’ve never actually done anal.” Y/N said honestly, “but if I’m going to do anal with anyone it’d be you... also wouldn’t mind if you wanted me to return the favor.” She had to offer because he probably wouldn’t ask on his own. Harry was quite a dominant person naturally, but even the most dominant people needed a break sometimes. “We’ll get a vibrator and I’ll get off for you.” Y/N started, “you like when I’m all whiney and begging to cum and I usually can cum multiple times with a vibrator and fuck—” she really did miss it. “My fingers are great, but yours are far better. You’re just far better in general. A vibrator is a whole other animal, can just sit back and watch it do what you do to me.”
“Yeah? That sounds so fucking good though, baby.” Harry was beset drooling at the thought. His Y/N cumming over and over... that was a fantasy all in itself. She looked so pretty when she was cumming but to sit back and watch her. “Got to get you a nice vibrator then. Thinkin’ a nice pink? Know that you’d put it to use. Get money's worth.” God, he was obsessed with her. There was just that intense attraction there that had him wrecked every time. She got him good every single time she begged or whimpered or asked for her ‘daddy’... yeah. It was bad. “We can try it. M’not sure if I’d like it or not but for both parties we can.” He shrugged. Open to anything. That’s how he liked it. “But I’m obsessed with the thought of my cum inside both of your holes. That’s so hot to me. Erotic. Think it’ll take some getting used to, but we’re both dirty fucks.” He noticed that she was squeezing her thighs together. “Hm. Do you want to touch yourself while we talk, angel? Can just take off those shorts and do it in your panties.”
Y/N felt her pussy throbbing a bit, desperately needing relief but she was enjoying the conversation. She liked the tension, liked being teased though she would say she hated it till the cows came home. Harry knew just how to press her buttons though. 
“Can I?” She asked softly, looking at his eyes to make sure he wasn’t just saying that to see what she’d say. Y/N did have a massive kink for people watching her, only when she was people she trusted like Harry. Once she got confirmation from him she went to slide the shorts off, relieving some nice lacy red panties she had on underneath. “You’ll see the rest of this later.” Y/N smiled at him, shifting so her legs were a bit more spread and so she could use her right hand to rub over herself with slow and teasing movements. “We can try anything really... any ideas you have, let me know. Really. There are very few limits.” Y/N told him, letting out a small sigh of relief at the feeling of her fingers gliding over her pussy.
“I can tell that. You’ve got me very intrigued with what else your own fantasies are.” There was something erotic about her laying on his lap and her hand between her thighs. She was needy for touch and Harry knew that. She always got impatient when it came to that. “You’re so open, just like me. A whole world of possibilities. That’s what makes us so dangerous.” His hand settled on her belly, rubbing circles into it. He adored giving her any type of attention, but it was different when it came to her rubbing off on his lap. “Trust me. There’s a whole lot I want us to do. Want to fuck you on a plane. Make you cum with people in the room. Have you squirt all over the floor. Finger fuck you in that same club. Want to finish what I started. Tell me though.” He really wanted to know. “What are your deepest and darkest fantasies? The dirtier the better.”
A moan left her lips as he told her all the things he’s got planned for them, feeling herself get even more slick than she was. “Always knew you were a kinky bastard, but I didn’t think you’d be like this. I love it.” Y/N really had thought about what Harry would be into. She’d just about imagined everything under the sun, but her mind sort of drew a blank when it came to telling him. “My deepest darkest fantasies?” Y/N hummed, slowly circling over her clit. “You know I used to get off to the thought of you? Like that was the one thing that was guaranteed to make me cum.”  She admitted, knowing he would like hearing it. It would blow up his ego even more. 
“I thought about all kinds of things... always thought you’d be the type to fuck me when I’m on my period. Also thought about you inviting your friends over to watch us... quite like the idea of you watching me fuck a girl— but only if you’d want to watch. I’d be too jealous to let her touch you. I thought about a lot of the things you mentioned actually. Kinda like the idea of us filming ourselves and watching it back.”
Harry’s ego was beyond blown. She got off to him before he had even met her? That was the ultimate ego boost. He was thriving right now, knowing that he was the source of her orgasms. She had been liking him since she was younger and now got the real thing. 
“Hm. Yes to both of those. Little bit of blood doesn’t scare me. Certainly won’t stop me taking your pussy. That’s when you’re especially horny got it.” He wasn’t squeamish when it came to that. “Fuck. You’d do that, baby? I would love to see that. All of those. People watching us.. you’d make such a pretty show. Especially if we could get you squirting... you’re such a gorgeous picture when you’re fucked out. Needy little cockslut when it comes down to it.” His cock was throbbing. Holy shit, he loved those ideas. “As for you fucking a girl... i’d be very interested. I don’t need to touch her. God... the idea of pounding into you while you’ve got your tongue in pussy... jesus.” He took a second to groan, leaning his head back. Yeah. That was some good shit. “We can film whenever you want. Got our phones, can attach it to the tv to see it. You need to see how desperate you get and how hot it is.”
Listening to him speak was already doing a lot for her, she loved how his voice made her react and it was even better when he was saying such dirty things and she had her hand on her pussy. “Yeah?” She sighed out, adding a little bit more pressure to her clit. “I can tell you like those ideas.” She could feel his cock hardening beneath her. Y/N was taking subtle and slow deep breaths, teasing the shit out of herself and trying to stay as focused as she could. The combination of being high and being horny really fucked her up. “Is it really that bad?” She blushed, nuzzling her face in his neck though she was smiling. “You just get me so riled up, just want to cum for you. It’s always the worst too because you tease me so well and it tests my patients because I barely have any as it is..” Y/N moaned, “I’m such a whore! I always need to fucking cum and you make it so hard!” She pouted.
“You cum a lot. I love it so much. It is really that bad but it’s absolutely a good thing. I want you to be dirty for me. You want my cock and tm fingers and my mouth a lot but it’s relaxing for me too, sweetheart.” Harry cooed. God, he had become a lucky bastard. Y/N was dirty and sweet and made him insane. The best type of person. “Love that you know you’re a whore for it too. So refreshing. Don’t even try and deny it to me, just know that you are.” Y/N was a whore though. In a good way. She wanted it often and thoroughly and wasn’t ashamed to ask for cock when she was really needing it. They’d been properly dating for a month but he was slowly realizing that this girl was the one he wanted forever. That alone had him even more focused on learning her pleasure. This wasn’t a fling.
“It’s pretty hard to deny considering how often I ask you to fuck me. I just own it. Know it turns you on.” Y/N really did know what buttons of his to press, glad that he too was open with her about what he wanted and when he wanted it. Harry was such a private person to the world, but to her he bored it all. It made her feel special, which only added to how horny she was. “I like when you make orders, my pussy throbs every time. I really like when you go all daddy on me and give me permission to do certain things you know I’m holding back on doing. I like when you get that roughness in your voice and your accent goes really northern.” Y/N’s eyes rolled back a bit at the thought combined with the feeling of her fingers against herself. She had been going at it for more than half of their conversation, she pulled her fingers out and brought them to her mouth. “This what you rave about, huh?” She smirked, pointing out his obsession. Y/N really liked the sensation of sucking on fingers but also getting her fingers sucked on. It was a win win really.
Harry loved when she got dirty like this. Eventually they wouldn’t even have the weed to have them like this, he had a feeling. But it felt so natural between them. He wanted to have this all the damn times. The intimacy between them. 
“Fuck, yeah. That’s what I love. You taste so good. Get high off of it. Makes me crazy, I just want to taste it all the fucking time.” His eyes were dark with lust as she sucked on her fingers, finally feeling what he did. “Like when I boss you around, huh? When I tell you to get on the bed or bend over? Get your pussy all wet when I tell you you’re being a good girl and just m’gonna fuck your cunt until you’re a sobbing mess.” That was the goal, ultimately. To have Y/N writhing on the bed, eyes crossed with pleasures he was giving her.
Y/N giggled, a giddy bubbling up at his compliment about her pussy. She had been eating lots of fruit, her favorite were all the different melons, strawberries, and kiwi. Ironic, she knows, but it was really good. “It is really good... I get it now.” She hummed after pulling her fingers out from her mouth. “Yes, daddy. I love it.” Y/N purred, shifting in her seat once again. “What do I do that drives you crazy, hmm?” She asked, “I want to have fun making you all frustrated too, daddy.” Y/N confessed though she knew that would only get him harder. He had wanted her to be more bratty and bratty she would be. She just needed a better tool kit.
“All of it. I love when you wear my shirts. When you give me those little pouty eyes. It’s so hot. Acting innocent while you’re touching my cock, like you don’t know what you’re doing. But on the other side... when you’re dirty and don’t care. Just let go and let us both be filthy.” He hummed. “I love when you whine at me. When I’m fucking you hard and all you can get out are those little ‘uh’s and they go high pitched. I love making you lose control.” He did. Y/N getting unhitched was a turn on for him. “I love when you come and crawl in my lap and talk to me but you’ve got that look. When you know you want to fuck but don’t want to say it out loud so you grind a little bit and pout until I turn you over.” He had a whole list, truly. “Hm.. when you wear those tops that showcase your tits— like the dress that night. When you show off your curves because I’m weak when it comes to you. Those red heels you have.”
Harry really did seem to have a mental list, it was like he was reading right off of it. She felt a cheeky smile creeping up on her face, knowing exactly what he was talking about when he mentioned all those little things she did. Y/N was just glad they worked effectively because that was always her intention. 
“Good to know my methods are working.” She teased, keeping her hands on his chest how they were this whole time. They were building up tension, so much so that they hadn’t even kissed this whole time. It must have been an hour that they were sitting here like this. “Red heels huh? That one caught me.” Y/N said, passing the blunt for him to take a few hits. “I can't believe you remembered them..” She continued thinking about how she could bring them back. “Reckon I could pull them off in a naughty school girl outfit.. what would you do if I turned up here looking like that?”
“Fuck me... seeing you in that? Probably would cum in my pants.” Harry groaned. Yes, he wasn’t even kidding. Y/N would truly get him if she did that to him. That was asking for disaster on his part. Or a beautiful Thing, in Y/N’s case. “What would you do, angel? Come in and ask for some extra credit, hm?” He could totally be down for some role play. His acting stuff had given him a large amount of courage when it came to that. “Come in to suck my cock? Or perhaps offer up that pussy of yours for me...” He murmured. Yes. Yes, he would love that. 
He took a few more hits, before taking a hand and running it up and down the shirt. From where her cunt started to between her tits, he was tracing it up and down as a tease. “What else would you want to play as?”
Y/N smiled triumphantly, “yes sir, I really need an A.” Y/N spoke, already putting on a different voice for the sake of the role. Harry would look damn good in a tie, he could even use it on her. She swore her head was spinning at the mere thought. She’d live out all her favorite fanfics like this. “Could do doctor and patient.. could do prince and maid..” Her mind wondered for a moment. “Officer Styles sounds hot.” Y/N smirked, taking the blunt from him once again. “Also sort of like the idea of you being merciless one night. Obviously I consent to it now and what not, we can go over safe words and stuff.. but in theory.” Y/N began, “could just properly dominate me, like completely. If you’re ever in that mood. If it was random for me? That’d be so hot.” All these fantasies floated through Y/N’s mind on the regular, she really wanted to try everything they’d been talking about. They couldn’t obviously try it all in one night, no they were brainstorming for months ahead of time. That within itself was already getting her hyped. Her birthday was coming up as well. She was curious to see what he would have in store.
“All of those... we could do them all. Trust me, I know we will have the best time doing it too.” Harry knew that. Y/N would be the best possible role play partner when it came down to it. He had a feeling she could act incredibly well. “I’ve never had that sort of trust with someone before. You know? S’good to me that we do. I would love to try that especially. A day where I’m relaxed though. Wouldn’t want to go off the rails and really hurt you.” He had such a temper on him. Most people didn’t see it but he did. “I’m genuinely ready for anything. I want to try everything with you. You’ve made me so happy, my angel. Swear that my cock jerks every time I think about you. Wanna know though... When did you start getting off to the thought of me? What did you think about?”
Y/N did trust Harry, with anything. It was really important to her that they both had a mutual understanding. Their communication skills were great and obviously the two of them had only really been together for a month, but she had a feeling that even in their bumps in the road they’d get past it.  
“You’re too kind.” She smiled fondly at him, nearly slipping up there and telling him she loved him. Y/N found herself in that state constantly, wanting to say ‘I love you’ but always being afraid that it was far too early for that. “When I started? Really young.” Y/N blushed, “I remember I once read this like, fan fiction blurb thing about you and I was like... what is this feeling.” She said biting her lip. “Full on sexual awakening because of you... now your ego is gonna grow five sizes.” It was true though she couldn’t lie, he probably didn’t realize how many girls felt the same way. “I really just thought about being close to you.. having your hands on me. Pictured you eating me out, me riding your cock, and you fucking me doggy style. Definitely the most popular thoughts.”
Holy shit. Harry had literally been her sexual awakening? She had joked about it before but, to know it was real was oddly arousing and pleasing to the ego. He wanted to know more but was In shock. 
“Fuck. You really did?” He whispered, sliding his own hand down to her cunt and pressing over the fabric. “Sit in bed and rub your precious little clit while thinkin’ about me, baby?” Y/N had him going. He loved that. Harry was the one she had always wanted sexually and that was relieving.  He couldn’t believe it. “Used a vibrator... your fingers. Anything else, my sweet girl? I want all the details. You don’t know how hot it is to me. Not a clue.” He felt like he could burst. Pressing his hand over her pussy, he could feel the lace of the panties dampen. Her hips moved up to his hand and he snickered, pressing down right over her entrance.
Y/N jumped at the touch, having waited for him to touch her since he had gotten home really. “Y—yeah, I did.” She spoke softly, feeling her body melt into his properly. Y/N was really fucking high and really fucking horny. Her mind was cloudy and she was ready to tell him anything he wanted to hear. “a pillow.” She told him, trying to remember if there was anything else but it was really only ever those three things. Y/N wasn’t really one to try the shower head method, she felt like it didn’t really work for her. Y/N managed to learn a lot about her body fairly quickly. “Sometimes I’d just... play one of your interviews and just zone out and listen to you talk while I was playing with myself.” She told him, feeling her breath become choppy once again. Y/N whined as he pressed down against her, feeling super needy now that he had given her a little taste.
“My sweet, dirty girl. Fuck me... can’t believe how filthy you truly are. Sat there and humped over your pillow while listening to my voice? Look at you.” Harry groaned. Her body moved up to try and get more of his fingers. It was a fun time. Finger fucking Y/N was amazing. She provided him with every bit of sexual need he wanted, being whiny and pressing up because she just wanted more. And then she would whimper for her daddy and hold his wrist, hump his hand. Make him stay still for a moment while she did so. And then Harry would take the control back. Y/N needed him to take over most of the time. 
Yep. Harry was never letting her go.
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[part 7]
A/N: AHHHHH the next part is the last part so we’re a bit emotional... We enjoyed writing these too so much so please, feel free to send in ideas for blurbs! - n + d
let us know what you think!
masterlist
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glassprism · 4 years
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I know that there are MANY adaptations of Phantom, some acclaimed, some despised and others controversial. I wanted to ask what are some of your favorite BOOK interpretations of Phantom? Obviously, the original novel is sublime, but what are your opinions of the Susan Kay novel? Is it worth the read? I’ve heard mixed reviews on it and while I want to see a fresh take on the story, I don’t want to ruin Phantom for me. (1/2)
There's also supposedly a new Phantom book series that came out a few months ago, titled. "Nocturne: Guardian of the Opera" that's supposed to be a fresh take on the original story... Always enjoyed your blog! (2/2) 
To be completely honest, I have not read many Phantom novels. Partly because there’s so many, but also partly because I talk so much about it on here that I want to read about something different when I’m offline. I think I’ve only read Leroux’s novel, of course; Susan Kay’s, naturally; a children’s version of the novel, through sheer chance; Phantom of Manhattan, to my eternal regret; and to my great amusement, a novel called No Return, only I read it when it was posted on FanFiction.net.
Leroux is awesome, of course, and you can read about my thoughts on Susan Kay’s take here. Let’s just say “mixed reviews” is correct; plenty of stuff I love in it, but a lot that I hate. That’s a lot of the current fandom’s consensus on it, for which I’m glad, as there was a time when Kay’s novel was lauded as “better than Leroux!” and completely glossing over the more unpleasant aspects of her interpretation. I still say it’s worth the read, if only because it has had a strong influence on the phandom and if you want to understand why certain characters are named or characterized a certain way, reading Kay’s novel is the best way to go.
You can read more about Kate McMullan’s children’s version of The Phantom of the Opera here, but I enjoyed it. Of course, I was only a child myself when I read it, but I liked it then and would probably like it now. It takes the very interesting tack of writing the story entirely from Erik’s point-of-view, from his childhood to the events of the novel, so it’s not just a watered-down rehash of Leroux either. I should try and find a copy of it at some point.
Phantom of Manhattan sucked balls. It’s known now mainly for being a kind of prototype of Love Never Dies and inspiring several of its plot elements, such as Erik moving to Coney Island, him and Christine having sex and a love child, and Christine dying in the end and leaving her son with Erik. But somehow it is worse than LND, from Forsyth’s out-of-the-blue bashing of Leroux for not “writing the characters correctly”, to flat writing style, to the constant perspective hopping done with none of the skill of Leroux, to making Raoul infertile, to Erik and Christine’s “sex scene” that I’m not even going to talk about, to random conversations with gods... it’s awful. Not recommended.
I genuinely can’t believe I read No Return as a fanfic, it amuses me tremendously. You can read more about it here, and the fanfic version was exactly what is described in that link. To be honest, I liked it when I read it, but I was also a newbie teenage phan dead set on romanticizing the Phantom. Looking back on it now, yeah, there were a lot of tropes that were pretty iffy.
As for “ruining Phantom”, for me, that has never been a problem, mainly because I think of every adaptation or fic as its own thing, in its own canon. Whatever they do, whatever their existence, the other works still exist. I am also very much a fan of “make your own canon”, where whatever is “canon” is dependent on what I think not on the arbitrary decisions of their creators. So that’s why the worst fanfic can’t ruin Leroux for me, because it is its own thing and Leroux exists outside of it; LND does not ruin the ALW musical for me, because it is its own thing (with such a wonky timeline and characterizations that it’s very easy to think of as a weird AU and and not a sequel).
And I think if you take that attitude, exploring other versions is a lot less scary. You can apply it to other fandoms too. Game of Thrones does not ruin A Song of Ice and Fire because they are separate adaptations; remakes of horror movies do not ruin the original, because they are separate canons; terrible sequels to great movies do not ruin the original, because I just disregard them as canon. Makes for a much happier me!
(I say, as I attempt in vain to ignore The Rise of Skywalker so I can get my Star Wars love back. Oh well, maybe in another six months.)
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dear--charlie · 6 years
Text
Dear Charlie,
Everything’s gone wrong again. I thought my life was finally going somewhere, I had some direction and a purpose and things to live for but, as usual, it all came crashing down around me. Every single time I finally start to accept that my life might not be so bad I’m proven wrong. Honestly, I feel awful for being depressed because there are people out there with worse problems than me but I can’t stop it hurting. I know my friends and family love me… but I don’t want to tell them more than they can handle. So many people I love have abandoned me… My dad, my grandparents, uncles, close friends, boyfriends, my best friend of 6 years who I told everything to and trusted more than anyone… they all just left me and I honestly don’t know why. Am I that hard to love? Do I push people away without even realising it? I’m just so sick of being abandoned, every single time it happens they take a piece of me away with them and at this point I feel like there’s almost nothing left of me. You’d think by now I’d be used to it but apparently not.
For 4 months I was happier than I had been in a long time. I was dating a guy I’d had a crush on for 3 years, he genuinely seemed to like me back. He was nothing like the guys I had dated before who were aggressive, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable cheaters. This new guy was cute, funny, interesting and just the right amount of clingy that makes you feel wanted and needed. Every day for 4 months straight he’d want to see me or speak over Facebook if we couldn’t meet up. It was strange because Ive never been out with a guy who enjoyed my company that much before. I was wary for the first 2 months. I kept a lot of my past and emotional baggage to myself and I tried not to get attached until I was certain I could trust him. I was terrified that once he really got to know me he would leave like the others did… but after weeks of our friends convincing me that he truly wasn’t like the others and that he really did have a good heart and pure intentions I finally decided it was time to let my guard down. My boyfriend was relieved, he’d been begging me for ages to just let go and trust him. For about a month and a half things were going well. I told him all about my past relationships, my most traumatic experience and how so many people I cared about had just left and I explained how much that hurt me. Around this time I also found out that I hadn’t been accepted into college for my second year and that I have to wait until next year to reapply, I was gutted, naturally, but he comforted me and was so supportive that I stopped feeling like such a failure.
2 weeks ago, completely out of the blue, my boyfriend just stopped messaging me. For the first few days I was a little worried because he had never just ghosted me before, but I told myself that he was probably busy or needed some time to himself. After a week though, I was a nervous wreck. A few years earlier I’d had a boyfriend who had done the same thing. After 3 months together, he just disappeared suddenly with no warning or explanation. He deactivated all social media accounts, got a new phone and moved to another country. He never had the guts to tell me himself or even break up with me; I had to hear about it through friends a year later after I had spent months looking for him and had a genuine mental breakdown thinking he had died or something. This was a very traumatic event in my life that still haunts me to this day, so having my current boyfriend disappear for a week without explaining why to me was honestly triggering. I spent days crying and even had a panic attack so bad that I disassociated for about 2 hours.
When he eventually came back online he told me that he’d spent the week with a family friend who was visiting. I didn’t know what to think. It was sketchy, to me. He hadn’t mentioned this girl before or warned me that she was coming over. Why couldn’t he just message me a few times during the week or just tell me what was happening and that’s why he would be offline? Why did he need to completely ignore me with no explanation… he told me small fragments of things that had happened over the week that tore into my heart; they had gone for a walk along a cliff path together to watch the sun set, he had slept at her house almost every night that week, they’d been drinking and going to BBQ’s together with family… I told myself not to be jealous or suspicious but he had never done any of those things with me, and when I told friends and family about it all they too were suspicious and told me it sounded very likely that he was cheating. But I didn’t want to believe it. He was such an amazing boyfriend for the first few months; he wouldn’t do this to me. I was so hurt and confused, but also shocked because this was so unlike him. For a little while though, we seemed to have gone back to normal but small arguments began and paranoia had set in for me. He had broken the trust that had taken so long to build between us and it hurt me. A week later he decided we could no longer be together but he wouldn’t tell me why. He said he still loved me but we just couldn’t be together anymore, then he told me I needed to stay away from him and with that he was gone. He wont reply to my messages, I think he’s put me on mute now. I still don’t know if he cheated or not, honestly I don’t even care if he did. I just want him back. I wish we could forget the past two weeks and carry on our relationship like before…he made me so happy, I cannot lose that happiness, not again…I just cant.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like he’s ripped my heart straight from my chest and stomped on it. I trusted him more than anybody and I gave him all the love I could but it just wasn’t enough. I’m not enough. Why am I never good enough? What is so wrong with me that it repels the people I care about? I’ve barely slept in a week, every time I try I can’t stop myself from breaking down and crying for hours and hours until I’m so exhausted I pass out. I cried so much and so hard the other night that I threw up and burst a blood vessel in my eye.
Nothing feels right or real anymore. My friends try to help and cheer me up but it’s just not working. Everything I used to enjoy like music, movies, writing, reading, art and going out just doesn’t interest me anymore. Everything is grey and dull for me now. Honestly, a part of me believes I deserve this pain for being so naïve. I was stupid enough to trust someone again and allow myself to become attached; I’m never doing that again.
Love, Jovie.
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tomans-darlings-au · 7 years
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I am so so so glad you're not there any more. I hope things are much better now and that you're happier and gods that's horrible. You're a sweet person and I can't believe you went through... I hope life for you is sweet and kind, that you know only happiness, and the worst sorrow you come across is just a fleeting moment and just, I never want you in a position where someone could hurt you like that again.
Oh i’ve been in abusive situations my entire life, like a majority of the authority figures in my life abused their power over me and has either physically or mentally manipulated me to their wills so at this point I was sorta used to it.
Warning: Long Horrid Filled Rant Of Abuse
(If you don’t want to read I’ll leave it at this anon, i’m okay cause of some serious repression of emotions and such. Just kinda smiling through hell.)
I mean I can exactly list the people in my life who did so out of fear that they’ll be nosey asses like they usually are and use my words to create drama again but it’s there and I remember it.
ALL. OF. IT.
FOREVER!
But I mean outside of being afraid of belts because my ex step-father beat the shit out of me a lot as a kid and being afraid of my grandma dying because my dad threatened (non-specifically) to and I quote: 
“Take care of business with people who crossed him.” after she’s gone.
(Let’s face it he might as well have said “I’m going to attempt to kill everyone who pissed me off in life.” Which unfortunately probably now includes me and probably my little sisters mother and maybe my own and maybe his own brother.)
I’m okay aside from that.
And by that I mean I’m moderately sane because I live with my boyfriend who takes care of me and doesn’t abuse in any way. (Seriously this boy genuinely cares for my well-being and honestly sometimes it gets to the point where i’m like “Why the fuck haven’t you broken up with me and kicked me out? Are you like mentally okay?”)
I have nice friends both online and offline so that makes me feel better and coming to terms with some of my abuse has helped me. Honestly aside from sometimes seeing or hearing triggers I don’t really think of my dad to much anymore. I’m more upset about other abuse from family members that took me awhile to accept.
Like I knew my dad was abusive but my boyfriend literally had to tell me that some of my other abuse was not normal especially via my siblings and step-dad.
Like if you think my dad is bad. You’re right he’s an absolute monster and even though he choked me a lot he never left evidence of his abuse really. A lot of his abuse was psychological breaking, manipulation, and fear tactics.
Wanna know what does leave marks?
My ex-stepfather who used to beat the crap out of me and my brother.
And also my brother who learned to physically abuse me too.
My step-dad used the belt and other cruel punishments to get me to conform.
Punishments Endured As A Child (And I’m Talking Young Like Until I Was In The 5th Grade When He Finally Left):
The Belt - Probably sounds ordinary right? Nope, let me tell you the procedure he insisted on. First he would get his belt, next I was instructed to strip my clothes off until I was in my underwear (Which was the only thing I was allowed to keep on.) After that I would be on my knees in a praying position holding onto either a bed or chair and then he would hit me, if I made too much noise he’d continue and tell me to be quiet because if he got in trouble he would hit me more. If I moved he force me down and hit me more too, it was usually the quickest punishment only lasting… Actually idk I was usually in too much pain to figure it out. My legs, butt, and back were usually left with dark bruises for a long time and along with the whipping I was usually grounded too.
The Book/The Corner - I hated these because it gave even more control to my step-father. This punishment had me on my knees back completely straight in the middle of the room (So I wouldn’t lean on anything and cheat) or had me standing in the corner of the room facing the wall back straight and head straight. (Being completely silent in both punishments.) while it seems relatively less painful these were the most torturess considering my step-dad had the habit of making me do this “Until he said so” instead of for a certain amount of time. I would literally be there for hours and if I leaned or made a sound I had more time. I would only be allowed to get up or leave if I had to use the bathroom and if I took too long I had more time on my punishment.
Solitary Confinement - Pretty much what it sounds like in my room (Or bed because when we lived in the shelters it was just one big room) no entertainment, no talking, no toys, no noise just sitting there. I was let out for food but I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone at the table and only looked at my plate of food, after dinner confinement continued. These were generally the longest punishments.
Cocotaso - (I’d like to start by reminding everyone I’m a hispanic boy that grew up in poverty. If I get called white because i’m pale one more time i’m gonna fucking scream). This was just getting it in the head with someone’s knuckles really hard. Pretty much everyone did this to me, especially my brother and step-father. Often times they’d do it hard enough to leave lumps on my head, my step-father did it all the time and the worst is that because of my ADHD I also ended up with Insomnia (Especially after going through the hectic shelter system). My step-father did not believe in mental illnesses and saw my being awake as disobedience, this would often result in a cocotaso and being told to go to sleep before I would face a whipping.
There’s also the time my brother and I fist fought and he literally punched me. The time he held onto my book bag loop and led me around like I was a dog on a leash and practically pushed me into the sidewalk. Oh and the time he called me a slut in front of his friends (I was in like 6th grade). The time he dragged me to his girlfriend’s house while I was sick with a fever, starved me for hours, yelled at me because his girlfriend felt bad for me, and said I wasn’t original/unique/or special in any kind of way, that there was a million people like me and i’m just a really stupid obnoxious kid who got bullied because I deserved it (The last one was when i was in high school and having problems with bullied who stole my things and harassed me constantly.) He’s done other stuff i’m not willing to talk about right now.
The time my sister literally sat on me. She had the habit of pushing me and beating me up a lot and called it playing around.
The time my paternal grandmother called me a demon and said I was going to hell because I said I didn’t want my little sister playing with my old stuffed animals that was literally from a friend of mine that died. (She gave it to my sister even though I had it put away in the top shelf of my closet and when i pulled it away from my sister and she started crying my grandma yelled at me).
There’s the time my step-mother called me a lesbian because of the way I dressed and when I came out as trans she said I was confused and my little sister said she didn’t want another brother (She has 2 other half brothers) she wants a sister and said that if I wasn’t her sister then she would only have 2 brothers and no more. Although I guess that’s not really abuse just soul crushing.
I have other stuff that I can tell about members of my “family” but i’m pretty sure this is enough for some of them to come start drama with me, so I won’t inform you of my other struggles.
I’ll leave with this I remember only traumatizing horrible stuff from my childhood, the few good times are blocked because of all the horrible things. I also have some very unclear blurry memories from things that i’m honestly afraid to try and remember because i’m sure it’s bad too.
I’ve had a long abusive life before moving, this is just the beginning of stuff. If I honestly listed everything i’ve endured you’d be even more horrified Anon. My past is cruel and painful and honestly typing this has me struggling not to cry so excuse my grammatical errors and whatever.
Yeah.
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