#but then we meet aeneas and he's literally Just Some Guy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suhmayzooka · 1 year

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Please tell us more about your thesis topic I love hearing your thoughts on the Aeneid

omg?? i'm so flattered!

idk how familiar u are with the aeneid already, but basically it's an epic poem written by a guy named vergil, kind of like the iliad and the odyssey by homer, but roman. it follows the adventures of aeneas, a trojan hero and son of venus, who flees his home (troy) with his family and his men after the greeks attack (you may know abt how they came to the city hidden in a wooden horse--that scene is in the aeneid! it's always heartbreaking when ppl read homer and are like "i thought the trojan horse would show up" noooo read the aeneid!)

aeneas must go to italy bc he's destined to found rome, but on the way he does cool things like hook up with queen dido of carthage and, what i want to discuss, go down to the underworld to learn about his fate from his dead father.

the whole poem is 12 "books" long, and the underworld happens in book 6.

going to the underworld is a common thing in classical epics. it's called a katabasis (literally means "going down") and many mythological heroes do it—odysseus, orpheus (he's important), hercules,, lots more (and it's not exclusive to ancient greece/rome, most cultures have some kind of myth about characters going down to the underworld to speak with the dead)

if you know dante, or really anything about christianity, you already have some idea what vergil's underworld is like. dante's Divine Comedy is about vergil (the aeneid guy) showing dante around the underworld, which became the basis for how the church understood the afterlife. the christian interpretation of the afterlife and hell is heavily influenced by the aeneid's depiction, which is one reason this specific episode has been the source of many many years of study.

that's not what I'm actually writing abt, though, i just wanted to give some background.

aeneas doesn't just go down to the underworld, see his dad, and return to the land of the living... several very specific things happen

first, he doesn't go alone. he must be led by a sibyl, a prophet. she instructs aeneas how to enter and acts as his tour guide, pointing out different areas in the underworld and explaining what's going on

before going, aeneas must take a golden bough (branch) to give to the queen of the underworld, proserpina (persephone in greek), which will allow him to travel through the underworld

vergil prefaces the journey with an invocation to the gods

the actual book basically is divided in two parts: the first half describes aeneas’ journey in the underworld, the final half is about aeneas talking to the ghost of his father who tells him about how his descendants will go on to found rome and be a long line of great leaders

there are two gates through which aeneas can leave the underworld: one is made of horn, which is for “true shades/ghosts,” the other is made of ivory for “false dreams” to pass through. aeneas goes through the gate of ivory and returns to the living world

overall this book follows many examples of prior katabatic tradition, with the katabasis being a place where aeneas gains knowledge that’s really otherworldly in a place that functions very differently from the living world

what i want to write about is how the whole poem is like one big katabasis for the audience to experience, with vergil being our version of the sibyl guiding us along. different things aeneas experiences in the underworld mirror different things the audience experiences in the rest of the poem. for example, aeneas meet his father halfway through the book to gain new knowledge; this book, where we (the audience) gain new knowledge, is halfway through the whole poem. there’s a distinct shift in the two halves of this book, just like there’s a distinct shift in the two halves of the aeneid as a whole.

or how vergil begins the katabasis with an invocation (calling upon) the gods, he begins book 1 of the poem with an invocation to the muse (as is the epic tradition). how aeneas experiencing various contradictory aspects in the underworld mirrors how the aeneid as a whole is both a celebration and a criticism of rome. before he learns his future, aeneas must see reminders of his past, the ghosts of people who died earlier; the audience is being reminded of rome’s past throughout the whole poem, especially here where we see the line of roman rulers (like caesar), whom the audience is already familiar with. now i’m gonna find other parallels, like narrowing down which episodes in the epic could correspond to, like, aeneas plucking the golden bough, and a few other scenes which i think are katabatic in nature

basically along these lines ^^

overall i’m not so much interested in the actual plot of the epic, or even vergil’s intentions as the author, than i am interested in thinking of it as a mirror for the audience.

(not to derail but that’s basically what i was talking abt earlier here with bat comics, like i’m less interested in what the actual story is than i am interested in how (or whether) the audience is acknowledged. it’s also the mindset i’m coming from with posts like this bc like… to me i find it interesting how bruce denying something the audience already knows, like he’s gaslighting himself and the audience, mirrors how an abusive parent gaslights themselves/others (even though i know it’s not intentional, it’s fun for me to think about from the perspective of being the reader who watches these events happening then to see them changed in the story like a denial of facts brought on by immense grief/trauma)... but i guess it didn’t come across well enough hahah ;;)

uhh yea that's the basic idea! thanks for asking !!

#schattenfell-yuri #asked #thesis things

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virgiltheanxious · 6 years

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It’s Not Your Fault, Don’t Take Blame

Title: It’s Not Your Fault, Don’t Take Blame

Masterlist

Previous | Next

Pairing: Eventual Analogical

Warnings: None, I believe.

Word Count: 2,630

Summary: Virgil is a single father. Not only that, but he is a transgender single father. After leaving his parents and not looking back, he is left to raise his child with only help from his High School friend Patton.

As he plans a small birthday party for his son, Aeneas, he meets Roman and Logan. He never had any friends outside of Patton before but now it seems he not only has two new ones but a love interest as well.

Now, the only question is what will he do when someone calls child protective services on him?

A/N: Hello hello! Welcome to my big bang story. I’ll be honest when I say that this is not my favorite piece of work (i do think that spot is almost always going to be taken by Next Time) but I am glad that I wrote it. I’d like to thank my artist, @narwhal-virgil, for participating in this big bang with me and dealing with my dumb butt. I’d also like to thank the mods at @ts-storytime for making the big bang possible. Anyhow, on with the story!

Tags: Ask if you want to be tagged! General: @my-happy-little-bean @nightmarejasmine

Rubbing his face in exasperation and shutting off his car, Virgil took a minute to look at the dark sky. He had just worked a particularly hard shift at the bookstore, and then had a shift at a cafe, and then he had a shift at Market Basket until 7 pm. Now, he was sitting in the driveway to his crappy apartment building and had to deal with a rambunctious little kid. He really wasn’t sure if he had the energy after the three back to back shifts. Normally he only had two, but he had agreed to help out the bookstore at short notice. They were down a person after they called in sick, and he really needed the overtime money to help make ends meet because even if he had three jobs, the pay rate at part time just wasn’t cutting it. To top it all off, he didn’t have any other income

He sighed once more before stepping out of the car and letting the brisk winds whip away at his unzipped sweatshirt as he walked to the door. He noticed Patton’s car was parked outside, which meant that they were already there and playing around.

That made him crack a little smile. The mess that was probably going to be there didn’t however. As he walked up the stairs, he hoped that maybe Patton had decided to have Aeneas pick up his toys instead of leave them everywhere. Virgil jammed his key into the lock and turned it. As he opened the door he immediately heard Patton talking.

“Kiddo, looks like your dad is home now!” He said.

“Papa!” Aeneas shouted as he came out from the living room, which was right next to the door. Virgil grinned and picked him up, bringing Aeneas up to his hip and kissing his temple.

“Hey An! What have you been up to?”

“Patton and I have been coloring! Wanna see?” He asked, pointing over towards where Patton sat next to the table in the living room.

“You know I do! Let’s take a look, shall we?” Virgil said as he walked over and sat down at the table with Aeneas still on his hip. Aeneas shifted to sit in Virgil’s lap and grinned. Virgil pulled the coloring book that had scribbles in it over to them. He looked through each of them, noticing how Aeneas had actually stayed in the lines for the most part. Which, for a nearly five-year-old, it seemed quite remarkable. It was still scribbles though. Virgil let out a wow every now and again when Aeneas decided that a drawing needed an explanation to it.

When they had reached to the final, unfinished drawing, Virgil moved Aeneas off his lap and kissed his forehead as he started to finish the page that he had started earlier. Virgil stood up, and looked across at Patton, who had stood up as well.

“Alright, buddy, I’m going to get started on my dinner, okay?” Virgil said, walking across the room and into the open area that was his kitchen. He opened a cabinet and put a pot on the stove and got out a measuring cup as he glanced back into the living room to make sure Aeneas hadn’t moved or anything. When he saw Aeneas coloring, he looked turned on the sink and filled the measuring cup with 1 cup of water, then put it in the pot and turned on the stove. He pulled out the rice and measured it in the cup and then leaned on his back on the counter as Patton walked over.

“Hey, Virge. How was work today?” Patton asked, sitting down at the small table across from Virgil.

In response, Virgil rubbed a hand over his face. “Crappy as ever. I really need to find a full time job soon. I already have the degree and as long as I can get Aeneas a babysitter when I work later shifts, it would be so much better. I’d probably get a better pay than I do with the three part time jobs right now.”

“Probably? Virge, we both know you’d get a better pay. Besides, I wouldn’t mind helping watch Aeneas. He’s a nice kid and-”

“No, Patton. I can’t just keep asking you to watch him with no pay. Speaking of, I can give you twenty bucks-” Virgil moved to grab his wallet from his back pocket and reaching out to hand it to Patton- “because of the time you spent watching him today.”

Patton shook his head and pushed Virgil’s arm back towards himself. “No, it’s fine! I’m just doing what any friend would do. It’s no problem, really.”

Virgil let out a breath through his nose and put the twenty back in his wallet. He put the wallet away and decided he would slip it into Patton’s coat later.

“By the way, your water is boiling now,” Patton said, pointing at the pot.

“Crap!” Virgil exclaimed, putting the rice in the water and stirring it with a spoon.

“Quarter for the bad word jar, Papa!” Aeneas shouted, walking into the kitchen with the mason jar that had a few quarters and dollars in it already. Virgil smiled and once again fished out his wallet, pulling a quarter out from the change side of it and putting it in the jar.

“Hey, what do you use that money for, anyway?” Patton asked, standing up.

“When the jar fills up, I put it in a box. Eventually, I’m going to put it in the kid’s college fund. Or just his adulthood fund if he doesn’t want to go to college. For now, it’s just for emergencies. Like if something breaks with the car or if I need money for shots and can’t cover it with the other stuff. Stuff like that, you know? Next time I buy a pair of shoes I’m going to use that box to have two separate ones so I don’t take the money out of that one, you know? I’ll just split the jar in half and if it isn’t even I’ll put the more money in his adulthood fund.” Virgil explained as he cover the rice with a lid and turned off the stove.

Virgil turned around to see Patton’s grinning face. “...What?” He asked.

“You’re such a good father, Virgil! You try so hard to make sure Aeneas has a good life, you work three jobs, and you still spend lots of time with Aeneas. It’s so great.”

“Well, I want to give Aeneas a better life than I was given from my parents. I think it’s because I want to make up for their mistakes, honestly…” Virgil trailed off looking at the floor and tapping his finger on his leg.

“You’re doing such a great job, Virge. I wish I could help you more with all your stress, but I’m not sure what to do.”

“Patton, you help by just talking with me and watching Aeneas when I need it. You don’t even make me pay for having him stay at your daycare. You’re doing so much more than I could ever ask for. I really appreciate it, Patt,” Virgil said, looking up at Patton with a grin. He then turned to check Aeneas once more. He was relieved to find that he was picking up his crayons from coloring and bringing them to his room. “He’s a good kid, too. I really got lots of luck. I’m shocked that I was allowed this. Who in their right mind said ‘Hey! This guy is transgender but he’s got a great kid and friend!’ I feel like that just isn’t how it’s supposed to work.”

“Well, of course you have a great friend! I’m just acting as any real friend would. And with Aeneas… He’s just a kid now, wait until he gets older. Then he might start acting out a bit, you know? He’s only five right now.”

“Yeah, a five year old that cleans after himself! I’m not saying that isn’t bad… That’s literally the best. But he’s five, don’t five year olds leave a mess all the time? I mean, you should know because you run a daycare,” Virgil questioned.

“He may be five, but he’s smarter than you’d think. Kids can detect the stress that people are in and when they figure out something that might make you less stressed… they get into a habit to do that thing more often. There’s another kid that Aeneas plays with at school that acts the same way, really. It’s not extremely common that it acts as them cleaning up after themselves, but that’s just how some things work.”

Virgil turned back around and got a bowl out of the cabinet to put his rice into. He pulled off the lid and put all the rice into a bowl. Quickly, he grabbed a fork and closed the drawer wither his hip. Sitting down in the seat Patton was previously sat in, he sighed.

"Virgil, just... don't worry about it, okay? You're just gonna make it through the day. It's what you deserve, that's why you have such a good son and friend. You deserve us. I promise you.," Patton said, rubbing Virgil's shoulder. "By the way, is that all you're going to eat? You really should eat more. It's not healthy to just eat a bowl of rice."

"Nah, Patt. I'm fine with this. I ate at work, so this’ll do. Besides, I gotta make sure there’s stuff for Aeneas, and I can’t buy groceries for another week,” Virgil reasoned, shoveling rice into his mouth.

“You surely look like your starved and Virgil, you need to take care of yourself, okay? It’s important. You need to eat right so you can take care of Aeneas,” Patton commanded, sitting down across from Virgil.

Virgil shrugged as he ate another spoonful. “Well, yeah I do, but I also have to pay the bills. I can survive on what I’m eating as long as I have the bills paid. I mean we don’t even have a TV, so that cuts out one bill and we’re barely keeping a steady pay. Putting aside money is good too, so that’s what I’ve been trying to do. It’s fine, we’re good. I’m done growing so I don’t need to eat much, and I hate eating breakfast anyway. As long as I eat right at lunch or dinner I’m fine.”

“Whatever you say, I guess,” Patton said, putting his chin on his hand. “I’m just a little worried is all. I care about you and want to make sure you’re staying healthy. Also, stop talking with food in your mouth.”

Virgil swallowed. “Sorry. But really, don’t worry about it. I’m doing as fine as ever.”

Virgil stood up with his now empty bowl, bringing it to the sink and putting it under the faucet. He let it fill up with water before washing it. As he finished, he dried it with a towel and put it back in its rightful place in the cabinet.

“Well, it was nice talking to you Virge but I should probably get home. It’s getting a little late and I gotta deal with kids in the morning.”

Virgil nooded and snorted. “Yeah, but you deal with them every day. Surely you’re used to it by now,” He said, watching as Patton got his coat from the closet.

“That may be true, but it doesn’t make it any less tiring!” Patton said, grabbing his shoes and tying them.

“Aeneas, come say bye to Patton!” Virgil shouted. In response he heard Aeneas running into the kitchen.

“Bye Patt! Thanks for watching me!” Aeneas said, crawling onto Patton’s lap and hugging him tight.

“Any time Aeneas! How about next time we do a puzzle? I can bring one with me!” Patton said excitedly, putting Aeneas down and standing up.

“Yeah!” Aeneas said, jumping up and down. Virgil smiled at him and ruffled his hair.

“Alright buddy, you should start getting ready for bed now. Go brush your teeth and get changed, alright?” Virgil said, rubbing Aeneas’s back and pushing him ever so slightly out of the kitchen.

“Okay Papa! Will you put me to bed?” Aeneas asked, waiting for a response right before the hallway started.

“Of course buddy! Just make sure you’re ready!” Virgil answered, waving bye to Aeneas as he ran off into the bathroom.

“He really is a sweet kid,” Patton said.

“Yeah, he is. Anyway, I don’t want to keep you here any longer than you need to be. Bye, Pat. I’ll see you tomorrow when I drop off Aeneas. Which will probably be around 2:30 by the way, I don’t have a shift until three,” Virgil rambled.

“Alright,” Patton said, hugging Virgil. “Bye! Have a nice night and make sure to get some sleep!”

“I will!” Virgil responded, closing the door behind Patton as he left. He then went to his window in the living room that face the parking lot and made sure Patton got to his care safely and had pulled out of the lot. Virgil ran a hand through his hair and made his way to Aeneas’s room.

“Hey bud! Do you want me to read you a story, or do you just want to be tucked in?” Virgil asked, standing in the doorway.

“Just tuck me in, okay? I don’t need to be read to now! I’m a big boy,” Aeneas pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah you are.” Virgil chuckled, pulling back the covers as Aeneas crawled into the bed. He made sure to cover him and tuck him in tight. “Sweet dreams, Aeneas,” Virgil said, kissing his forehead to which Aeneas responded by pushing Virgil away.

“Night, Papa.”

Virgil backed out of the room and shut off the light as he exited, then closed the door. Sighing, VIrgil rubbed a hand over his face and went into his room. He grabbed a change of clothes for himself and then went into the bathroom to take a shower. As soon as he was done, he changed and walked back into his room to his desk in the corner. He pulled an envelope to his face and opened it, revealing the cost of the bill he needed to pay at the end of the week before it would be late. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He knew he had enough money- he always made a way to make sure he had enough money.

The bills weren’t cheap, but it was just what he had to do to make sure that Aeneas could have at least a semi-not crappy house.

Virgil rubbed a hand over his face and put the bill back down. He grabbed his laptop and crawled into bed, putting the covers over his legs and opened netflix on his chrome web browser. He may not have a TV, but he did want to make sure there was some other form of entertainment for him and Aeneas. His laptop was expensive- probably more so than some crappy TV would be- but it worked and functioned properly, so he couldn’t really complain. He had Netflix because it was so much cheaper than having cable and he could still let Aeneas watch some TV shows with it. So it worked.

Once again, he turned on reruns of The Office, plugged in his crappy headphones, and sat back lazily as he watched. It was practically his nightly routine, which he truly was trying to get out of. He could be doing so many more important things, but he really just needed to relax for a bit. So that was how he fell asleep, laptop on his legs and sitting back on his bed.

#Virgil Sanders #anxiety sanders #Sanders Sides #TS sides #TS-storytime #ss big bang #TS big bang #Patton Sanders #Morality Sanders #evans work #evan writes #ts-storytime 2018

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ayearofpike · 6 years

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The Immortal

Pocket Books, 1993 213 pages, 16 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-74510-7 LOC: CPB Box no. 705 vol. 16 OCLC: 27434465 Released July 1, 1993 (per B&N)

Did you ever take a vacation because your best friend insisted that you had to? Josie Goodwin is. At the suggestion (or maybe insistence) of her oldest compatriot Helen Demeter, her family is spending two weeks on Mykonos in the Greek isles. Helen’s there too, and she has a lot to show Josie from her trip the previous summer, not the least of which is a sacred island with a plateau that has a mythical connection to Apollo. What Josie doesn’t know is her own connection to Apollo. But Helen does, and it’s a connection that calls for no less than cold vengeance.

I have distinct memories of reading this book on a summer vacation road trip with my dad. But aside from the fate of the main character, I found that I didn’t actually remember that much about this story. Revisited in 2018, this is some Percy Jackson shit. Like, not to the point where Rick Riordan owes Pike some money, but it definitely doubles down on the sex among gods, mortals, and monsters. It’s fitting that I read this one while reading The Sea of Monsters to my kids, because I was already in the Greek gods mode for it. Although enough people have written about Greek myth in modern times that I can’t say anyone is directly ripping anyone else, necessarily. Maybe they just have the same muse.

So, all right, where do I jump in? The beginning is as good a place as any, I suppose. We’re on a plane with Josie and Helen (who, by the way, maybe couldn’t have a more Americanized Greek name) as it descends into Athens. They’re traveling with Josie’s dad, a once-hot screenwriter who is currently struggling, and his current flame, a failed alcoholic actress. Josie wakes up knowing they’re close, with a sense of almost being home. Which is weird, right, because she’s never been to Greece before. Foreshadowey! WOOOOOO

They have to cab to a smaller airport and hop another plane to the island of Mykonos, which is their final destination. Helen can’t warn the Goodwins about the rudeness of Greek people enough, but Josie finds them very pleasant. She wonders if maybe it’s this difference in attitude that makes boys who are initially attracted to Helen eventually want to be with her. Yep, Pike did it again with the accidentally-steal-yo-man girl, only at least Josie is honest with herself and admits that going out with her best friend’s ex makes her an asshole. Not that she’s going to stop. There’s one boy in particular she’s thinking of here, who went with Helen and then with her and then moved away and dropped off the face of the planet. Remember when you could do that, all the way back in the 1990s?

So they get to the hotel, drop their crap, and decide to go snorkeling at Paradise beach. They have to rent motor scooters to get there, but it turns out Helen has an ulterior motive for wanting to go so far away: a guy. Specifically, a British bartender named Tom, whom she met during her trip the previous summer. Of course Josie is instantly smitten, but she’s not immediately planning to steal Tom. They plan to go out later, the three of them and one of Tom’s friends, and then the girls get their snorkeling equipment and get in the water.

It’s when Josie pushes herself too hard that we learn a little more backstory. Seems she had a mysterious heart inflammation the previous summer while Helen was in Greece and almost died from it. The experience has made her appreciate life more, and so she really wants to tackle everything that comes her way. But her endurance is still not where it should be, and she’s been swimming for an hour. As she struggles to get back to shore, Tom plunges into the water (in his full bar uniform, no less) and pulls her in. Interesting that he was watching her swim while he was supposed to be at work, yes?

So they go back to the hotel and Josie grabs a nap, and then she decides to interact with her parentals. She argues with the girlfriend, who is drunk in the bar watching TV, and then finds her dad pecking on his laptop on his room’s balcony. Seems he’s been fighting with a science-fiction screenplay for about a year. Mr. Goodwin has never before had this hard a time unfolding a story; before, they always just came to him, but now he can’t figure out where to take it. He knows that there are humans in an interstellar war with aliens, and that the humans have captured one and are going to make her escort a single pilot on a suicide mission to blow up the alien homeworld, but he doesn’t really know why or what comes next. (I think the screenplay is supposed to have some parallel with the narrative, but it’s a pretty big stretch.) He’s interested in Josie’s ideas, and she tells him she’ll need to think on it.

Right now it’s time for her to meet Helen and the boys for dinner. She finds Helen at a restaurant in town, and they talk about their mutual attraction to Tom, and Helen says she won’t be upset if Tom prefers Josie only she is obviously lying. Tom shows up a little later with his roommate Pascal, a big French dude who works with handicapped kids most of the year but is spending his summer delivering vegetables to restaurants. In fact, he’s got a truck coming in on the late ferry, and he wants to take it for a ride with one of the girls — only (obviously) neither one wants to leave Tom to the other. So he takes off in the truck, and the other three go to a bar, where Helen drinks too much and pukes on Tom’s shoes, so that’s over. Josie takes her home, they fall asleep, and Josie dreams of being a goddess suffused in radiant blue light. When she wakes up she’s totally fine and feeling great, even though she drank at least two bottles of wine and should be a little hungover. Did the light save her from the booze?

Of course, being totally sick doesn’t keep Helen from having an agenda. She wakes everyone up the next day (even Josie’s parentals) and makes them take a boat to the island of Delos. It’s a sacred holy site, which Josie learns about by reading along the way: supposedly it’s the birthplace of Apollo and Artemis, fathered by Zeus and borne by the titan Leto (which I had to look up because I was confusing her with Leda) on an island that was not fixed in place, as Hera had banned Leto from giving birth on terra firma. The mythology of the place made it an important site of worship, even though nobody could live there, and today it is essentially a museum full of excavated ruins. Josie’s dad’s girlfriend thinks it’s junky, of course.

But what Helen most wants Josie to see is the top of Mount Kynthos, where Apollo was supposely born. And it’s true, the sun does feel stronger and more intense up there, and Josie senses a connection to something greater than herself. Helen knows it, and she sprinkles in a little more backstory by saying that when she got out of the hospital she knew that this was a place she had to come, for some reason. We learn that Helen tried to kill herself, not long before Josie had her heart ailment, but we don’t really learn how or why. Josie wonders if the boyfriend they shared was an impetus, but she sure as hell doesn’t ask any more questions about it. Still, they both share that getting so close to death has provided them with a new understanding of what they should do with life. Still, we start to wonder about their friendship. How close are they actually? Do they even still like each other?

Josie doesn’t help matters by immediately going to see Tom at the beach when they get back from Delos. They try to figure out how to get together without upsetting Helen, and don’t come up with much other than everybody hanging out again. After a swim and a stint of topless sunbathing, she goes back to the hotel, where she tells her dad that the suicide pilot in his script has something to live for and then puts off Helen’s attempt to go get dinner, as she needs to wait for her sneaky plan to happen. She dreams of a secret altar to Apollo, where she prays for insight and information to pass along to humans, and then she and Helen go to the same restaurant as the night before, where Tom and Pascal just happen to show up. Only Pascal’s fumbling English gives away that it was all planned, and Helen storms off, but not before revealing to Josie that the reason their mutual boyfriend hasn’t been in touch is because he died at the end of last summer. Helen has known this all along, but she has obviously kept it from Josie out of spite ... or something. I think here their friendship is officially ruined.

Josie and Tom try to salvage the evening by going out on the bay in a rowboat. While they’re out there, though, the temperamental summer winds kick up all of a sudden, and they lose their oar and can’t get it back. Tom jumps in the water to get it, but before he can get back the boat blows out to sea with Josie in it. All Josie can do is bail as it takes on water and pray that the wind stops before she sinks. And, like, literally as soon as she prays, the weather lets up and the water gets calm. She passes out in the boat and wakes up on a rocky beach, which she’s pretty sure is Delos. So she goes to try to find the archaeologists on the island, but before she can she discovers that the ruin is somehow a living city, and they welcome and worship her.

And suddenly we’re flung into a new myth, one of Pike’s own making. We learn about the muse Sryope and her best friend Phthia, granddaughter of Zeus. They are both in love with Aeneas, half-blood son of Aphrodite, and Phthia seduces him and gets him to swear an oath of fidelity before she goes back to fucking around. This pisses Sryope off, and she figures out how to get Phthia to forgive the vow: a story contest. If Sryope wins, Phthia will release Aeneas; if Phthia wins, Sryope will never tell anyone that her father is Alecto, one of the Furies that guards the underworld. Yeah, I know, and so does Pike — Furies in myth are traditionally portrayed as female, but there’s some shape-shifter tales throughout fiction. Of course Sryope basically goes back on her word immediately, telling a story of a Fury who impregnates a goddess by impersonating a handsome warrior and begats (?) a daughter, just changing the names like that hides anything. Of course Phthia gets pissed and yells at Sryope, then takes off without telling her story, never to be seen again until Alecto finds her dead and floating in the river Styx. Upon which he (she?) arrests (?) Sryope on suspicion of murder.

This is where Josie wakes up with the sunrise in the ruins of Delos. There’s a tiny marble statue of a goddess next to her, which she recognizes as Sryope, so she pockets it, but then she realizes she’s going to get in trouble if she’s found there. She gets out, hides among the tourists, and takes the first boat back to Mykonos, where her father and his girlfriend are anxiously talking to the police on the dock. Seems Tom made it back to shore and warned everyone that Josie was missing, and now that she’s back they call off the search and get everyone ready for a celebratory barbecue at the hotel. But first she tells Tom what happened, and shows him the statue, which has since the morning become flecked with clear crystal somehow. He’s not sure he believes her, but he does promise to stay with her and protect her from any more weirdness.

The girlfriend runs the barbecue, maybe out of guilt of not being more ... motherly? I don’t know. Is that really the responsibility of a thirty-something woman whose boyfriend has an eighteen-year-old daughter? I know, cultural expectations and all that bullshit. But Helen helps make the burgers, and Josie asks for two but can’t finish the first so Tom eats the other one. While she’s eating, Josie talks to her dad some more about his script, and suggests that the pilot plants the bomb on the planet but that the alien is struggling to tell him something that she’s been programmed against. Then Josie goes to bed and dreams about Sryope’s trial, where she is twisted into lying about knowing Phthia’s parentage and discusses how she shares stories and ideas with mortals, in particular a certain screenwriter and his daughter.

Josie wakes up feeling like crap. The statue is still there, but now it’s totally clear, with a red swirl in the center. She tries to call Tom, but Pascal says he’s too sick to answer the phone. She’s starting to worry about all of it, so she finds her way over to his house and realizes he needs to see a doctor. At the health center, Josie collapses in the waiting room and sees more of the trial, where Minos (the underworld judge) shows Sryope forcing the daughter’s best friend to drink poison, and then sees herself forcing the spirit of Phthia into the best friend’s dying body. Sryope realizes that it’s Alecto impersonating her, but there’s no way to provide a realistic motive without going back on her lies about Phthia and Alecto. So she accepts her punishment, which is to give up her immortality and take the place of the dying spirit in the screenwriter’s daughter.

Josie wakes up with her family around her. She asks to talk to Helen alone, because by now they both know the story. Helen tells Josie that she put ground glass in her hamburgers, and there’s no way to get it out of her system. I don’t know if that’s how it works ... isn’t finely ground glass essentially sand? Snopes says this isn’t inherently fatal, but we didn’t have the Internet in 1993 and so it scared the piss out of me at the time. Helen isn’t really upset about Tom being collateral damage, either, because he treated her wrong. She’s taken a similar revenge on their dead mutual ex, in fact. She tells Josie that this was her plot, abetted by Alecto, and all she has to do to live forever is to sacrifice somebody to the Furies — in this case, Pascal — on the summit of Mount Kynthos.

So with no hope for themselves, there’s no reason to go to the mainland hospital, but there’s still time to save Pascal. Before she goes, Josie leaves a note for her dad that tells him the planet is actually Earth, and the aliens are what humans would have become if they stayed. Then she rouses Tom out of bed and tells him about Helen’s plan, and they sneak out of the health center. They grab Pascal’s gun from the apartment, then steal a boat and rip over to Delos.

He’s already bewitched and is ready to obey Helen. There’s no other option. Josie tries to shoot her but the gun doesn’t go off. Tom (the stupid idiot who thinks he knows better than killing) knocks the gun out of Josie’s hand, and Pascal grabs it. Helen tells him to put it in his mouth and pull the trigger, which he does — but it still doesn’t go off. Josie realizes the safety must be on, but Pascal doesn’t. The gun in his mouth is enough to break his hypnosis, and he faints. Helen doesn’t realize about the safety either (I guess she thinks the gun is busted) so she pulls out a giant knife and literally lifts Tom off his feet, telling Josie she wants her to watch him suffer before she dies too.

But Josie has one more trick up her sleeve: her camera, which is in the pocket of the windbreaker she’s wearing. If she can get one good shot, maybe the flash will distract Helen enough that she can grab the gun and kill her before she kills Tom. And it’s a good shot. So good, in fact, that it lights up the entire island as though from the sun. Helen is momentarily blinded and drops the boy, and Josie has enough light to find the gun, flick the safety off, and fire six shots into Helen’s chest.

So Pascal is now safe, but Josie’s still dying, right? And Tom? Hang on a second. Josie realizes that the red in the little statuette is blood. Her godly blood. In fact, when she takes it out of her pocket, the head has turned into essentially a flip-cap. But there’s only enough for one person, so guess what. Yep, she makes Tom drink it, and once again Pike has killed off the first-person protagonist. Really — he’s done it in literally every single (YA) story written from 1PP so far. I’d say to start expecting it, only the next major one from this perspective is The Last Vampire, so ... but maybe he’s counting that as dead?

Our epilogue finds Sryope at the top of Mount Kynthos, conversing with Apollo, who she has only now realized is her own father. He is interested to know what she’s learned from her time on Earth, and as they arise into the sun she begins the tale of a girl on a plane to Greece.

And hereby we close The Immortal. I have to say I’m not mad at it. The agency of the girls and goddesses is useful, and it certainly does more with the kinky Greek myth sex than anything teachers will let you read. The parallel of the higher being dying after fulfilling an important informational mission between the narrative and the dad’s screenplay is super-thin, and I could have done without that, but Josie and Helen are kind of badasses who don’t apologize for their desires, and I’m glad. I’m also glad that this re-read gave me the thought to check on that ground-glass thing, which makes me more OK with hamburgers.

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lgbt-teenager-support · 6 years

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books about bisexuality?

(books and captions from barnesandnoble.com)

Not Otherwise Specified - Hannah Moskowitz

Etta is black, bisexual, and in recovery from an eating disorder, and that combination of things doesn’t mesh with being a ballerina living in Nebraska. It certainly doesn’t help her stay friends with her old lesbian besties who consider her tainted. But Etta refuses to be put in anyone’s neat little boxes, and as she finds the right people to surround herself with to help her love who she is, she also discovers they may be her key to getting out of town and finding her best life in the future. Putting this book at the top of the list is a Bi Visibility Day no-brainer; if you’ve ever wanted to feel the literal urge to fist pump from the bi pride in a YA novel, put a copy of this in your cart, plus one for everyone you know.

Far From You - Tess Sharpe

Mina and Sophie were best friends, even through a car accident that changed their lives. But now Mina’s dead, and Sophie’s determined to find out who killed her. Along for the ride is Mina’s brother, Trevor, who not only wants justice for his sister, but wants Sophie as well. But as the two get closer, Trevor learns Mina and Sophie were more than just BFFs; they were in love. For many YA readers, Sharpe’s debut is the first time they saw the word “bisexual” in a novel. For still others—present company included—it’s the first time we saw an on-page sex scene between two girls in a YA. Whether it was a first for you—or will be—there’s no question this is one of the most important bi YAs the category has to offer.

Coda - Emma Trevayne

Anthem has a passion for music, but as a conduit for he Corp, most of what he listens to is work, powering the grid through him while shortening his life span. All he has to live for are the twin siblings he takes care of, the girl he’s smitten over, and his friends, including his ex-boyfriend. Sexuality is a non-issue in Trevayne’s dystopian society, but passion for music and rebellion? Is everything.

The Art of Wishing - Lindsay Ribar

You know the drill—girl finds genie, girl gets three wishes…girl falls for genie, who happens to be in the form of a high school boy, and learns the villain gunning for them both is her new guy’s ex-boyfriend… totally run of the mill, naturally. While I loved the first book in this duology a lot, I managed to like the sequel even better—it’s in The Fourth Wish that Margo and Oliver discuss not only what it means for him and for them that he’s bisexual, but the gender fluidity inherent in his continuously taking the bodies that would be most pleasing to his new masters.

Otherbound - Corinne Duyvis

If the fact that this debut has a bisexual protagonist doesn’t sell it to you on its own, consider this: 1) it’s a super-rare standalone fantasy, 2) that also has disability and racially diverse representation, and 3) is the closest thing to Sense8 in YA form. Amara is a mute slave girl, charged with protecting a princess. Nolan lives in an entirely different world, but when he blinks, he is transported into seeing through Amara’s eyes. As dangers grow for Amara, and the control dynamic between her and Nolan changes, the two of them will need to work together to keep themselves, and the princess for whom Amara has begun to develop feelings, safe.

Under the Lights - Dahlia Adler

Actress Vanessa Park may be new to realizing she likes girls, but Brianna Harris, the publicist’s intern sparking that discovery, has been an out-and-proud bi girl for years. While Vanessa works to process what it would mean for her friendships, family, and career to come out, especially with her being Korean American already putting her in a precarious place on the Hollywood food chain, Bri’s experience with bi erasure tie in to her own hesitations about moving forward with someone who’s not ready. As its author, I’m probably a little too biased to tell you if this book’s any good, but there sure is a lot of making out (and then some).

Trust Me, I’m Trouble - Mary Elizabeth Summer

When you read this book’s predecessor, Trust Me, I’m Lying, you don’t know the main character, teen con artist Julep Dupree, is bisexual; frankly, neither does she. She falls for a guy, things happen, and…well, that’s all I’ll spoil about that. But she also meets Dani, a 19-year-old Russian mob boss who’s back with a vengeance in the sequel, resulting in my personal favorite girl-girl couple in YA this year.

About a Girl - Sarah McCarry

There’s no missing from that cover that there’s a relationship between girls in this book, the third and final of the Metamorphosis trilogy. But as the book opens, main character Tally actually has feelings for her best friend, Shane, which he seems to reciprocate, resulting in a fan-yourself-level sex scene. The emotional aftermath isn’t quite as fun or romantic, though, and when she sets out on a quest to find her maybe-father, she’s free and clear to fall for the mysterious and alluring Maddy.

Over You - Amy Reed

Max is the calm, responsible girl to her best friend Sadie’s wild child, but when they go away together for a summer to a farm commune and Sadie gets mono, Max finally gets to emerge from her shadow and be her own person. Newly independent, she finds herself drawn to Dylan, the very same guy who piqued Sadie’s interest before she got sick, and an unusual choice for Max, since she usually prefers girls. I loved this book for being a great novel about toxic friendship, and it’s a great pick if you’re looking for a novel with a bisexual main character that doesn’t revolve around a romantic relationship.

Empress of the World - Sara Ryan

This was my personal first read with a bisexual main character, and I suspect I’m not alone there. When Nic goes to spend the summer at a program for gifted youth, she certainly doesn’t expect to fall for a girl; after all, she likes guys. But when she falls for the beautiful and talented Battle, she falls hard, and the girls’ mutual and confusing feelings give way to a sweet romance that transcends labels or expectations.

Grasshopper Jungle - Andrew Smith

It’s hard to put Smith’s neon-covered apocalyptic opus into a genre, but it’s here for its rare bi male character in YA, caught in the confusion of having feelings for both his best friend, Robby, and his girlfriend, Shann, while also fighting to survive an infestation of human-size praying mantises that have descended upon their Iowa town.

Pantomime - Laura Lam

Gene is the daughter of a noble family, but she doesn’t feel at all at home in female trappings. Micah’s a runaway, who joins the magical circus of Ellada as an aerialist’s apprentice. As he becomes a bigger star in the show, he also finds himself drawn to two other performers—female aerialist Aenea and male clown Drystan. But Pantomime isn’t about a character who falls in love; it’s about a character’s evolution and understanding of identity. Winner of the 2014 Bisexual Book Award for Speculative Fiction, the story continues with Shadowplay.

Cut Both Ways - Carrie Mesrobian

Will’s finally had his first kiss, but he didn’t expect it to be with his gay best friend, Angus. Determined to put it behind him, he starts to date Brandy, but it doesn’t stop him from gravitating back to Angus over and over again. The thing is, Brandy’s no beard; he genuinely likes her, too, and he has no idea how to balance them both and make a choice. Though Will doesn’t consider bisexuality or use the word (which is addressed in the author’s note), to the best of my knowledge, this is the first realistic contemporary YA from a major house to be narrated entirely by a male character engaging in sexual activity with both a male and female character, and that’s no small thing.

Adaptation - Malinda Lo

When birds start flying into planes all over the country, it’s impossible to call that many collisions a coincidence. Then Reese and her crush, David, get in a crash of their own, and when she wakes up a month later, she has no recollection of what she missed. Her life only gets more confusing when she meets the beautiful Amber, and realizes she’s confused about more than just what’s going on outside; apparently her sexuality isn’t quite what she thought it was, either. As she works to solve the mystery of what happened to her during the month she was unconscious, she also must confront her feelings for both David and Amber, an issue which continues in sequel Inheritance.

Love in the Time of Global Warming - Francesca Lia Block

It’s the end of the world as Pen knows it, and with her family disappeared after natural disasters rock Los Angeles, there’s nothing for her to do but search for what comes next. As she embarks on her Odyssey-mirroring quest, while thinking about her parents, her little brother, and her best girlfriends—one of whom had been on her mind in a new, kissing-related way for a while now—she finds a new band of friends to join her, which includes the alluring and mysterious Hex, taking her sexuality in yet another turn as they fall in love against the backdrop of a world falling apart.

you can find more bisexual books here, here, here, here, here, and here

hope this helped!

-Mod Charlie

#answered #books with bisexual characters

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swaglexander-the-great · 7 years

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Hey!!!! Dumb question but what exactly is the Iliad?

THE ILIAD: A SUMMARY

The Short Version: A yarn about blokes getting shitmixed in a war over Miss Hellenic Beauty Champion because some gods thought it would be a Lol.

The Long Version: A Homeric epic poem passed down through spoken word over generations that was penned down in about 800 BC. In the mythological timeline, it ends the Age of Heroes (by wasting them all). It covers the Greek seige of Troy, a whole lotta gods Messing With Shit, a Poseidon who needs anger management, a few hundred names and lots of General Epicness ft Diomedes and Patroklus. Sit back my buddy, let’s go through a quick summary of the books.

Book 1: Apollo ghettoblasts the Greeks with Pain because Agamemescunt kidnapped his priestess Chryseis. Being a douchebag, Agadouchebag Mr Steals Yo Girl from Achilles, which leads to in͟ten̛şȩ ͟śul͜ki͢n̶g͡ . Achilles’ divine Ma brokers a deal with the Zeus goose (not literally thank goodness, although it’s a definite possibility) so that the Greeks won’t win until they realize how fucked they are without Achilles and go crawling back to him for help.

Book 2: Zeus messes with Agafuckface by telling him to attack Troy. Agamemhoe messes with Zeus by telling his entire army to fuck off back to Greece. Odysseus, with Athena’s help, uses his wicked ol’ tongue to lick Agaiceheart back into shape (not literally, although very possible in Ancient Greece). There are 31 paragraphs of names about Greeks and 16 paragraphs of names about Trojans going to war. The epic story continues.

Book 3: The armies meet. Memealaus (sorry, Menelaus) and Paris decide to have a 1v1 to end this shindig. Paris is saved by Aphrodite and a cloud because he is a Weak Bitch, so we gear up for another 9 years and 11 months of war. Helen tells Aphrodite to go fuck Paris herself if she likes him so much, but Aphrodite threatens Godly Bitch Revenge is Helen ever talks back to her like that again.

Book 4: Menelaus gets grazed by an arrow. Like a football player with a stubbed toe, this means war. He also apparently had ‘shapely thighs and fair ankles’. Watch out for the Zeus eagle, boi. Fighting commences. Diomedes appears. He is awesome, as usual. We continue to the next chapter.

Book 5: Pretty much an entire chapter about Diomedes being a son of a gun and killing fucking everything thanks to Athena. A dude called Sthenelus gets a rock hard boner watching all of this. Aeneas thinks it’s a good idea to take on Diomedes. Mistake. Big Mama Aphrodite has to save him, also with a cloud. Diomedes hasn’t quite reached Critical Awesome yet, so he stabs Ares and Aphrodite as well. Hera calls Ares a little bitch and we carry on.

Book 6: Just a lot of death really. Diomedes was going to kill a bloke, but they realize they are family friends, so just do a little swapsie of armour. Hector gives Paris a spray for being a cowardly little bitch, Paris agrees, and they set off for battle.

Book 7: Hector decides to 1v1 and get this over with. Menelaus tries to accept, but his wingmen Restrain Him. Ajax gets picked out of a hat to fight, but after a bit of a tussle it gets dark, so the fighting pair give each other presents and go home for the night. The next day, they all take a holiday from fighting and the Greeks build a wall. Poseidon is triggered. (reason here.)

Book 8: Due to Poseidon being triggered, Zeus forbids any godly interference on both sides of the war. Hera and Poseidon bitch about Zeus as the Greeks get casually wreckt by the Trojans, but decide not to act on it. Lucky for the Greeks, the Trojans decide sleeping is better than winning, so leave off for the night.

Book 9: The Greeks hit Fuck It and decide to grovel to Achilles for help. Before they do, Diomedes gives Agasaggytitnon a spray for being a douchebag, and everyone agrees that he is indeed a douchebag. Sthenelus probably pops another boner. Back in the tent with the power pair, Achilles and Patroklus, Patroklus tries to be the polite bf to the pleading Greeks, but Achilles is still thinks Agamoomoo called him a ‘vile tramp’ so refuses to help. The drama continues.

Book 10: Odysseus and BAMF Diomedes go on a sneak mission and heroically stab the Trojans in their sleep. They also heroically steal some horses. The epic heroism continues.

Book 11: Hector takes a leaf out of Diomedes’ book and decides to shitmix the Greeks. He successfully shitmixes the Greeks, giving Agamugface a well-deserved arm wound. Paris shoots Diomedes in the foot, but Diomedes literally does not give a shit. Some random dude gives Odysseus a bit of a stab, Ajax gets Confused By Zeus but survives, but things still look Grim. Sweetheart Patroklus sees the Grimness and decides to try and use his wiles to break Achilles out of his Uber Sulk.

Book 12: The Trojans continue to roadhaul the Greeks, which will come back to bite Hector, but we do meet a dude called Thootes. He doesn’t do shit, but his name is great. There is graphic violence, and the Trojans go to chuck a Greek ship on the barbie.

Book 13: Poseidon rises from the sea, back being a buddy to the Greeks now the his great enemy The Triggering Greek Wall has been overcome.There is a shit ton of fighting wherein the Greeks do well and Poseidon is happy because he’s getting vengeance for his other traumatic wall experience.

Book 14: Hera sees Poseidon disobeying Zeus and getting sweet wall vengeance and while probably thinking she married the wrong brother, decides to use Titty Distraction so that the Greeks don’t get chucked on the Trojan barbie. Titty Distraction predictably works A+ and the Trojans get slightly shat on with gratuitous eyeball violence. Hector gets hit by a rock and almost has the most anticlimactic death since Amycus, who suffered death by Elbow Punch.

Book 15: Zeus wakes, calls Hera a scurvy knave and tells Poseidon to Fight Him. Poseidon does not want to Fight Him, so melts back into the ocean and stops helping the Greeks. Apollo resurrects Hector from his rock to the face and the Trojans joyously return to their mission to barbeque the Greek ships.

Book 16: Honeyboo Patroklus (still on his way to Achilles since Book 11) sees Apollo and his Brojans on the warpath and breaks Achilles’ heart with Man Tears. While Achilles and Patbroklus have a very, very long, heartfelt conversation, the Trojans start to toast the Greek ships. Achilles gives (yes gives) Patroklus his armour and tells him to fuck shit up, but not to win without him. Fighting commences, we discover the word hurly-burly, Sarpedon dies in a shower of Zeus-induced blood rain and Patroklus becomes Diomedes 2.0 until he is gang bashed by Hector, Apollo, a literal god, and some awkward random called Euphorbus. Sasstroklus delivers a final fuck you, pulls the finger at all three of his killers and blazes it down to Hades.

Book 17: Hector takes Achilles’ armour off Patroklus, marking him as target #1 for the Sulk King. The Trojans and the Greeks spend an entire chapter having a tug of war with Patroklus’ body. Ajax and Menelaus comment mildly on how Zeus is helping out the Trojans, and the god shines a bit of sunlight in chagrin for being called out. The Greeks win the tug of war thanks to Double Ajax Tactics.

Book 18: In which Achilles goes nuts. Everybody has a cry because Patroklus was a Swell Guy (seriously,as swell as a Hawaiian surf that guy). Achilles goes and therapy-screams at the Trojans, who see the mad bloke and back the fuck off - rightfully so, as Achilles is planning some good old human sacrifice to his dead ‘rider’ Patroklus. Meanwhile, Hephaestus quick-smelts some smashing new armour for Achilles with his household robots.

Book 19: Achilles gets dolled up for battle. Agadickbutt and Odysseus try to placate the madman with gifts, including Briseis, the dame Agamemnope stole from Achilles, but Achilles’ quota of fucks has run out indefinitely. He saddles up and gets ready to fuck up his bae killer.

Book 20: Zeus R͡ELE҉ASE͜S̵ ͝T̀H͜E͡ ́ǴO̷D͞S͝ and lets them play for whichever team they like, so long as Achilles doesn’t sack Troy just quite yet. It’s probably a friendly game similar to football in god terms. Athena invents the spear boomerang, Hera and Poseidon do some casual sunbathing, while Achilles paints the town red rather literally.

Book 21: Achilles finds men too weak and decides to take on a literal river (Scamander). Achilles realizes this was A̴ B̸ad ̶I͜de͟a͡and decides he’ll stick to men. We’re not sure whether Diomedes would have backed off from a river, but I guess we’ll never know. Apollo saves a dude called Agenor from Achilles molestation and in doing so also saves the Brojans. The epic story continues.

Book 22: Apollo says surprise Achilles, tricked ya into chasing me boi, I’m immortal. Achilles stares him dead in the eye for a full minute then says ‘fuck you’ and rides off back to Troy. Hector decides it’s time for another 1v1, but at the last minute considers that this idea was insane and fuckin legs it. Achilles chases Hector around the wall of Troy three times presumably to this soundtrack. Hector finally stops to fight, and thanks to the Athena Spear Boomerangᵀᴹ, Achilles avenges his Patroklus. Hector performs the minor miracle of talking whilst having a spear sticking out of his throat before he dies, then Troy’s hero gets roadhauled and everyone is Sad.

Book 23: Ghost Patroklus pays Achilles a visit, like a sexy Obi wan Kenobi and tells Achilles to bury him already. Patghostklus also beseeches that their bones be laid (ha) together when Achilles inevitably gets fucked on by Fate. Achilles says of course bby I was gonna do that anyway, and tries to make out with a ghost, but this isn’t a Whoopi Goldberg type deal, so Patroghost gets sent back down under. They put the fun in funeral by having games and giving out toasters and such as prizes.

Book 24 (The End): After ‘yearning after the might and manfulness of Patroklus’, Achilles continues to roadhaul Hector until Apollo gives his fam a spray about the dishonour of it. Hera says he’s only mortal scum so who gives a fuck and Zeus says chill wife and commands Achilles to RE̵L͘E̡A̷S͢E ̴T́HȨ H̀ȨC̕T̵O̷R͡ (sorry I can’t help it). With Hermes as a bodyguard, Priam (Hector’s dad) goes to get the body back. Achilles and Priam have a man-cry bonding moment over Dead Loved Ones, Hector is whisked off to be buried and there ends the Iliad! There’s none of the ankle-shooting, wooden-horse-building shenanigans in there, they all come in later texts such as the Aeneid and Ovid, although I still can’t find the exact text where Achilles gets shot. If y’all know, send me the link ;) I fucking found it nvm

Anyhoo, that was…Jeez, that was The Iliad (aka the longest post in existence). Well, my retold, abridged more slightly less serious version.It’s definitely worth a read, if you can get past all the names!

Check out more Greek Stories here :D

#stories #the iliad #greeks #homer #Achilles #HOLY SHIT THIS IS LONG #the iliad summary

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king-of-zeroes · 7 years

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Aeneid, aka bad fanfiction of the illiad/oddessy

Turns out I wrote an abridged version of the Aeneid after a few glasses of gin and forgot about it so here it is because why not.

Aeneas.

The bridge of Classical Mythology between Greek and Roman. Son of the Goddess Venus and Trojan prince Anchises. He fought in the trojan was and got his butt kicked and rescued by his mother after Diomedes grabbed him by the leg and used Aeneas as a weapon to beat half an army to death and Neptune saved him by breaking character to save him from one of Achilles drive by beat-downs despite him being a minnor character at this point. This is some less than subtle foreshadowing. During the sack of Troy at the end of the legendary Trojan War, Aeneas was commanded by the Gods to leg it alongside his dad, his wife (who then died) and a buncha fanboys called the Aeneads. However he is plagued by Hera. I mean Juno - the roman rebranded version of Hera. In fact most roman gods and heroes were of Greek invention but given a new colour palette and name. ORIGINAL CHARACTER! DO NOT STEAL!!1! Basically if mythos was deviantart. Why is Juno even angry ad Aeneas, he aint don nothing wrong. shes just the go-to villain to screw over demigods for some reason. anyway Aeneas gets a fleet of ships because his mum gave them to him (a common theme that aint gonna stop soon so buckle down) and after a booze cruise to Thrace is told to go to Italy (where a lot of people from the Trojan war went to) as he is prophesised to become a great king. so off they go but Juno causes a storm for literally no reason to they crash at this island where they see a giant table with a ton of food so they eat it and a few harpies say "One day you'll get so hungry you will eat your table!" So they're like "Cool, whateves" and got lost and land in Buthrotum (how do you pronouce that?) and they're brought as prisoners to the rulers Helenus and Andromache. See Buttwhatever is a Greek city but has been taken over by trojans. but Aeneas is a trojan so why??? Plot holes aside, Helenus says if they go the short way, they'll die like super brutal to scylla and charybdis who are like the worlds greatest tag team wrestling team if WWE included murder. So they start the long ways around and one of Odysseus's men I mean Ulysses. DEFINETLY NOT ODYSSEUS. ULYSSES IS AN OC. Nah screw it, he's just a renamed Odysseus. And this guy helps them away from this Cyclops that Odysseus just stabbed in the eye. Then Juno asks Poseidon I mean Neptune to have them crash as Aeneas is supposed to destroy Carthage (Junos fav city) bu they crash in Carthage. Maybe Neptune was drunk. So they Queen of Carthage, Dido (no not the singer) sees the crew get slam dunked on her shores and Venus forces her to become his Overly Attached Girlfriend because the Gods have no fucking idea of consent in a relationship. So these two are at it but Venus is like: "Son, you know I just got you a super hot GF who I made to be always wanting it but you gotta go so you can be a king." So Aeneas leave in the middle of the night. Dido is distraught as she was forced to love this due who bailed so she lit the entire city on fire and stabbed herself. In some versions she still survived for a few days. Holy shit she's hardcore. So Aeneas dad dies and they celebrate I mean comisterete I mean HONOUR his memory by partying all day and night non-stop for a week. They party so hard they wake the dead guy up and he joins the party, gets wasted and says "VISIT ME IN HADES MA BOI" then dies again from alcohol poisoning. So to procrastinate actually doing his job, Aeneas decides to go to hell. Relatable - I've been in retail and hell is preferable. so on his way to hell he meets Dido cause she died. Remember? I dont. well I say "Meet", meet as in when you see your boss/teacher/colleague you don't like in a shop so literally dive into the next isle. So he meets his dad and the dude gice him a nine hour lecture about how good Romulus is, how great Rome will be and how FUCKING AWESOME his decendent GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR will be. Because he apparently couldn’t do it alive. so he climbs out of hell. wait how did he even get in there anyways? what could this nerd do to go to hell? be bad to workers on black friday? so he climbs out of hell. all his men are hangry (a new emotion I have invented that is a combonation of hungry and angry) so they end up eating their breadtables. BOOM! OMINOUS PROPHECY FROM EARLIER FULFILLED WITH SIGNIFICANTLY LESS PAIN THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT. So they hit up the natives (the latins) and Aeneas is like. "Dude, I know this is your crib and we are basically a bunch of murderhobos with giant superiority complexes but hows about you let me move in and marry your daughter." Then Juno returns to Ruin Everything and starts a war between these otherwise nice people. So the kings BF who the princess was engaged to (Turnias) is psyched for this while Aeneas legs it because he has realised he has never actually won a single fight by himself because his mum has always showed up at some point to save his sorry ass so Venus saves the day (again) by hitting up her husband to make Aeneas a ton of legendary game-breaking weaponry despite the fact he's only a level 2 paladin. So after schenanigans happen, Aeneas friend died who he was supposed to protect died and deciding to shamelessly rip off the moment from Achilles and Patroclus becomes a meatgrinder of death. Suddenly some of that sweet Grimdark Angst has made this loser competant. So this turnip guy legs it and this significantly smarter and better woman called Camilla shows up and kills most of Aeneas' fanbase so he sends a dude to assassinate her while she's distracted by something shiny. because feminism hasn't been invented yet. Turns out this was a super smart move as she was the Goddess Diane's adopted daughter and she super-smites the assassin dude. Then a whole lot more murder happens than I can physically talk about where a bunch of siginificantly more cool and interesting people die until it is the Super Final Shoenun Showdown between Aeneas and Turnip. Turnip dies. So that happened. Aeneas and the princess are basically King and Queen of a literal mountain of corpses. Thus ends the worlds worst continuation fic & state sponsored plagiarised propaganda.

#long post #mythology #classics #aeneid #aeneas #i regret nothing

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