#but whatever. assuming i get better quickly and dont get worse and dont get covid on top of this cold bc my dad got covid

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i truely have so much anger built up inside me about my job. ive done a very good job of making it unbearable #and after taking a 10 day vacation. plus 2 days of not working bc im sick. i really dont wanna go back #i was planning to take 3 days to not do fucking anything but my boss just emailed me with some time sensitive #logistical things. so like i guess i gotta fucking do that tomorrow. i started reading the email and it made my head hurt #and she started it off like. hopw ur feeling better and i dont wanna cause stress but... #like bro. listen. if u tell me these things u put them in my head and i csnt stop thinking abt them until theyre done. and its not her #fault bc im the one that put myself in a place where im barely keeping it together. its just frustrating #bc it feels like hope u feel better but also kill urseld 💖 but again thats just how it feels bc im so. idk how to describe it im like in a #state of post burnout. im sitting in the ash. alone in a desolate landscape and its like jesus how tf do i fix this? #and i cant even run out my anger rn bc im sick. and i mean i have the energy to run i dont feel lethargic but like i doubt that would aid #recovery lol. ugh. 2 months. thats all. then i move away. assuming i find a place to live lol. bc i currently haven't yet #but whatever. assuming i get better quickly and dont get worse and dont get covid on top of this cold bc my dad got covid #it will have been a bit of a blessing i came back sick bc i have a clear justification for not working and for telling people to fuck off #when they ask for things from me. like today a lab mate asked if i could sample Monday. which it technically #a holiday but i probably would have said yes if i wasnt sick. and i would have had to teach undergrads some bullshit friday if i wasnt sick #instead i just did nothing all day bc i almost moved bsck my flight and didnt leave home until the weekend anyway #i guess its good i didnt bc then i would have been stuck in ohio bc my dad found out he had covid yesterday #idk its all just frustrating bc im halfway in a transition and im not doing very well but i cant do anything to fix things until i leave #the southwest. like i dont even kno if i have health insurance rn. my benifits change request was processed but like does thst mean it was #approproved? fucking idk. so everytime i do anything i imagine a worstcase scenario where i end up hospitalized and damned to an empty #bank account or eternal medical debt. tho my mum said they passed a law where they arnt allowed to do thst to u anymore 🤷‍♂️ #whatever. im annoyed. i dont wanna work 😫 #unrelated

[sewercentipede]

covid rates have skyrocketed in the last few days/last week and I was talking to my friend who im supposed to be a maid of honor (2 maids of honor lol) and she’d bought my plane ticket for next month to help with bridal dresses; I was like “thank goodness we’re all vaccinated” then she told me 2 of the ppl who are coming are unvaccinated and I was like “oh fuck ok I don’t think I can come in that case... “

at first she was like it’s ok I’ll get my money back but I told her if she chose the cheapest flight option she only gets the money as flight credit. and then she got mad at me, saying she was on a budget and I should have told her earlier (told her what, exactly lol? she already knows I have crohns and am in the highest risk category for covid complications), that I should have asked if everyone coming was vaccinated. I was like “yeah I shouldn’t have assumed that everyone was vaxxed I should have asked, that’s my fault, but I can pay you back after I start my job.” but she refused the offer multiple times. And she got more and more angry. she was like should I even expect you at the wedding? And I was like if ur not doing RSVPs probably best to assume the worst as in me not coming, because I have no idea how the covid trends would look like (and I didn’t tell her this but both sides of her family are VERY conservative and that means I expect neither side of her family has a lot of ppl who have gotten vaccinated).

and she just like flipped out at that... saying I was inconsiderate, narcissistic, that I don’t care about her, that I don’t even try, asking if we should even be friends anymore, wondering why she even calls me

just FUCK ME for being concerned for my health I guess that means I don’t give a shit about her!!!

it feels like she doesn’t actually give a shit about me and is just ascribing all these nefarious motivations to my actions and it’s like dude I just DONT WANNA FUCKING DIE OF COVID???? HOW IS THAT NARCISSISTIC... how is that inconsiderate when I thought covid was getting better and found out it’s worse than itd EVER been?

like what the fuck is wrong with people. they expect me to risk my life for them, and if I don’t it means I’m inconsiderate, because their wedding is more important than my safety. it makes me sick to my stomach like ARE we friends if you don’t respect me enough to consider my health concerns valid? cause friends wouldn’t make other friends risk their lives for their wedding.

like genuinely I’m fucking baffled and so hurt.... I’m trying to be reasonable and all she’s doing is attacking me being mean as shit. and im trying to ignore that and just negotiate something to where those ppl get tested at least so that I can go. but after this I really honestly don’t wanna go at all or be her maid of honor or go to her wedding. It’s really fucked up how quickly she turned on me. All I’m trying to do is be honest and realistic and make her understand that this is a huge risk for me. but to her it’s just me being narcissistic and inconsiderate and whatever. “I was scared you were gonna die when you were in hospital” but you don’t care now though I guess? lol. fuck you dude.

I’d never ever do this to you if our roles were reversed.

#wtf is wrong with healthy people? #they have zero empathy for immunocompromised people #to them we r just selfish and making excuses