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ladyofpurple · 5 years

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here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

#the tmi nobody asked for and will probably never read — you're welcome #Lady of Purple's slice of life #mental illness #medication #adhd #autism #personal

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killian-whump · 6 years

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@doodlelolly That other post is getting way too long, so let’s at least fight like civilized people with “Read More” cuts, yes?

I’ve quoted the portions of your post as I respond to them, since the initial post isn’t here. Also, for those who wish to see what has occurred before (and to prove I am not trying to “hide” anything in there and truly am just trying to save my followers’ dashboards) the post is here.

Ok. So here’s what I’m getting from your repeated condescending tone and aggressive responses. You believe you’re in the right and nothing is gonna change your mind. It kind of seems to be a trend that I’ve ignored until now because, as you mentioned before, it’s only a small percentage of your actual content. But we’re this far in already so I’ll continue to throw my 2 cents in cuz, hey, why not.

Of course I think I’m right, as do you. That’s literally the foundation of every single argument in the world. BOTH sides believe they’re right, otherwise they wouldn’t be arguing. So please don’t point a “You think you’re right!” finger at me as if you’re making a profound point about my character. It takes two to tango, and YOU are the one who asked me to dance tonight.

So let’s break down the responses you gave as mentioned above. To the first anti Jen sentiments, you expressed outrage and disapproval immediately, and then when someone disagreed, as in the case with Jen’s two defenders, you tried to maintain that air of neutrality. What does that say to your followers?

It says exactly what my words stated. My initial reaction is to think what Jen said is rude to the cast, crew and writers of the show, but I am withholding official judgement until I see a video for myself. That is what I said, in full, in my initial response - and what I continued to state, in part, in my further comments on posts I made explicitly to amplify the comments made in Jen’s defense. Had my response to those comments been the impetus for posting them, I could’ve put them in the replies portion of the post. I POSTED them, with a simple response of my stance on the subject, to GIVE VOICE to the positive interpretations of Jen’s words.

Honestly, I’m curious what you would’ve preferred me do, instead of what I did. Should I have ignored the positive comments entirely, as I ignored the negative ones? Should I have made sure my response to all three comments were identical by adding the part about thinking the comment (as reported) was rude? Either of those options seem like they would’ve legitimately given the impression that I was being “anti jen” - and, frankly, the options of me either not sharing my opinions at all or lying and saying I was convinced by the defense when I hadn’t yet seen the video I’m waiting on aren’t things I am willing to do.

And I never once said that your anti Jen tag inconvenienced me, not did I allude to it. I simply pointed out that if you use that tag, you’re probably going to find something anti Jen. I’m not asking you to change it. I wouldn’t expect you to. I think it’s absolutely appropriate.

You stated that by USING the tag, I knew there was “anti jen” sentiments within the post. I explained that I use the tag, even for mild criticism or what might be construed as criticism, out of respect for a follower who ASKED me to do so. Polite, civil, valid, and/or respectful criticism is not “anti” anything, though I have a strong suspicion you probably think it is - and perhaps that’s where our problem lies in communicating with each other. We seem to have wildly different ideas of what constitutes “bashing” someone.

And for you to be so ready to discuss the so called “ammo” for season 7 antis and shut down the asks about whether or not this is the right place for one if your followers is another huge red flag that you are playing favorites. Why is an ask that someone flat out calls Jen out in “well thought out” and someone looking for information on the content of your blog (with a compliment to you, no less!) “dropping bullshit”? That seems very biased to me.

It IS biased. I answer almost all of my asks, and I will answer one asking my opinion on something one of Colin’s former co-stars said about the project they worked on with Colin MUCH differently than I will answer an Ask that perfectly fits an established pattern of trolling asks I receive whenever a specific catalyst occurs - and said catalyst has just occurred.

I’m sorry that you’ve gotten hate for your opinions in the past, but neither of the anon responses to this subject, to me, appeared hateful. The first anon was expressing their opinion (which I didn’t agree with either, for the record) and the second was concerned on whether or not they should remain a follower. I don’t know this person, and neither do you, so your assumptions that they are not a follower and trying to stir the pot are only assumptions, just as mine are that their intentions are genuine.

However, MY assumptions are based on a pattern of events that have continually and predictably occurred for MONTHS now. Jen gets mentioned on the blog, or some non-CS ship gets attention, or I make a critical comment about Jen/Emma/CS... and I receive two rapid-fire Asks in my box: the first one a pro-Jen/CS/Emma rant about whatever topic set them off, and the second some “I’m a long time follower, but this concerns me!” nonsense. Sometimes (as tonight), there is a third one that goes on with the pro-Jen sentiments and adds some anti-Colin ones for good measure. I didn’t post that one, but it DID arrive - as expected.

Also, it bears mentioning that an Ask doesn’t have to be “mean” to be trolling. Some of the asks this individual sends ARE mean, yes, but it’s the repetition, insincerity, and lack of relevance to my blog’s subject that offends.

YOUR assumptions are based off of seeing two random asks on my blog and coming to your own conclusions about them based on the Asks themselves. I’m sorry, but in this case... this isn’t just a difference of opinion here. Your assumption is being made without the full picture, and I understand that, but I am GIVING you the information that led me to make the assumption I made - and as I said before, I am standing by it unless someone wants to admit they SENT that Ask and I made a mistake in interpreting its source/purpose.

And I’m sorry you misinterpreted the way I worded my hypothetical. Allow me to rephrase. Simply take all of the instances where Jen’s name is mentioned and replace them with Colin’s. Would your response be different? I expect st least your initial one would be. You would be much more likely to take an immediately neutral stance instead of rushing out the gate with a negative comment. So no, they weren’t completely different questions. Just replacing one actor’s name with another.

My apologies. It was my misunderstanding. Allow me to adjust my answer.

I am being 100% honest when I tell you my initial response of saying it’s RUDE and that I am withholding judgement until I see a video would be the same. Although, in the interest of full honesty, I probably might have expressed a disbelief that he ever WOULD say such a thing, as I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever heard the man utter anything (in seriousness) that is even in the same ballpark as that kind of comment. However, I know this from having followed his career, interviews and comments for some time. I do not follow Jen’s, and therefore have no reasonable expectation of what she would/wouldn’t say.

As for the rude comments from others... I would have ignored them, just as I did tonight - unless they got excessive. In which case, I would have pointed out to those making them that the OP is a Colin fan and could they please have their conversation elsewhere than on my post. As I said elsewhere, I do not “police” people’s opinions, unless they’re based on something proven to be false or seem grossly misguided in a way I feel I can help them with.

I tend to believe people who are eyewitnesses to the occurrence. Eyewitness testimony stands up in court so I mean, it’s a huge shove towards the truth in my opinion. But I intend to watch the video when it surfaces as well and I will continue to support your decision to do so.

The problem here is that someone directed me privately to the Twitter post from someone at the panel where they quoted Jen as saying she carried the show. You’re assuming that all we have here is heresay and the comments from two people who were there - but the initial “quote” that started all of this is FROM someone who was there. Hence, I am withholding my judgement until I see the video, myself, and know EXACTLY what was said and can determine from her face/tone how it was intended.

And you know the same could sentiment could be said for your accusations and assumptions of me. I disagreed with your post. Vehemently. And you have willfully misinterpreted most things I’ve said as evidenced by the clarifications, redirections, and explanations I’ve given above to support your argument as you see fit. It’s absurd and I don’t appreciate having my words twisted or ones I never said put in my mouth.

Ah, but I am the one being accused of “bashing” Jen and being hateful towards her. The onus is on YOU to PROVE these accusations, and you have not done that. I stated an initial, honest opinion - that I admit is critical of Jen, but not overly so - and then did my best to AMPLIFY the defense of her and IGNORE the harsher criticisms of her - and yet you STILL persist in insisting you’re right and that I somehow acted hatefully towards Jen tonight. I haven’t. I said her words were rude - and, if it turns out she didn’t say what she reportedly said, I will take that criticism back.

And you are correct, this time you aren’t bashing Jen, either directly or indirectly. You’re clearly coming for me directly and I don’t think anyone thinks otherwise. I’m totally fine with that, bee tee dubs. But I agree with the tag once again. Doubly so this time cuz, hey, my name is Jen too ;)

Need I remind you once again that it was YOU who began this fight and YOU who is making baseless accusations against me without any actual evidence of them? Tell me, what have I “come at you” for? What have I accused you of? I think you’ll find I’m merely defending myself here.

Honestly, seeing the things others ARE saying about Jen, both on Twitter AND Tumblr, over this supposed statement... I am truly confused how my simply saying such a comment is “rude” and the way I handled someone who I sincerely believe has been trolling me off and on for over a year warrants the sort of attention this is being given. I mean, there’s literally dozens of other people you could be “calling out” for bashing Jen right now who are actually bashing her quite horribly... Am I truly the hill you want to plant your Jen Defense Squad banner on? XD

#responses #doodlelolly #fandom drama #off topic

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friedesgreatscythe · 6 years

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BEE TEE DUBS in case u were wondering why i’m such a fucking loser and overinvested in the concept of love, it’s because i’m stuck in a living situation that’s been abusive since i was 12 years old and i have no way of escaping for the foreseeable future bc i have no money and no stable source of income and the relationship that’s creating this problem is so unhealthy and fraught with problematic dynamics that i can’t even MOVE MY BODY without it being interpreted as “““““““““““““““An Attitude”““““““““““““““““ and sometimes i don’t know how i don’t just scream myself raw lmao

anyway here’s wonderwall

#luna speaks

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yangingaround · 7 years

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Ah sorry bout the language. Just not really getting why the story chosen for Yang was the dead beat mother. Now that we have all the pieces, and that the answer white literally appears to be Raven seeing her band of murders as more important to her than Yang why have Raven being Yang's storyline. Qrow could have told her prior to the start of the story so they wouldn't have to spend screen time on s resolution that has no comfort. Yang knowing why Rave left isn't going to fix anything.

Anonymous said:

Raven will still have left for her murderers. Getting andwers is a cold comfort in this case. It’s better than nothing but I don’t see how it helps develop Yang. Her birth mother didn’t care enough to stay and no one else cared enough to tell her before she wasted years looking for her. Seems like a shoot the shaggy dog story to me and it doesn’t fit given Yang’s lack of storylines and RWBY s limited amount of screen time

Yang’s more than likely aware she’s not going to get answers she likes. she wants answers the same reason any kid who is left by a parent or put up for adoption would want answers, why and who - unbiased and unfiltered from the horse’s mouth, why was she left behind, and what kind of person does she come from. she can’t get that from her father (who is biased as hell and projecting Raven’s personality onto her) or from Qrow (because Tai is bullying him to keep quiet, and it would, again, be biased). Yang wants to find out who Raven is on her own terms and learn a bit more about her past

Yang’s not looking to fix anything, she just wants to understand, so she can get some resolution to the hurt of finding out she was abandoned by a parent just after she was born when she was, at most, six years old. like, at that age anyone would wonder why someone who is supposed to love them would just leave them, it would (and looking at context clues, evidently has) give Yang abandonment and self-worth issues. getting those answers from Raven, not from a biased source that doesn’t want to deal with the uncomfortable subject or might lie to spare her feelings, Yang might get the closure she seeks, and from there she can begin to heal from that painful chapter of her life

on top of that, given all three characters with Branwen blood have demonstrated strange, non-semblance-like abilities (or a case could be made for them to have done, in Yang’s case), Yang tracking down Raven and finding out more about her heritage is an organic way to bring those abilities to the forefront than her uncle sitting her down one day and going “your mom’s a shitty person and bee tee dubs we’re magic” “baller”, especially given how much Qrow just loves keeping secrets

#yangalysis #Anonymous

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exitedmonton-blog · 7 years

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The Killer’s Game 2-6 PLAYERS / 60 MINS

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A voice sounding muffled and distorted, but booming, begin to ring in your ears. You open your eyes to be greeted by a dark and unfamiliar room, with the only light source coming from a TV at the front showing a shadowy figure.

“You have just received the greatest opportunity of all time,” the voice, which you now realize is coming from the TV, continues, “a chance to leave your name in the annals of time, to join the legendary ranks alongside Jack the Ripper, the Zodiac Killer and Giovanni!” Those names send a shiver down your spine; you don’t know what this Killer’s Game is, but all you know is that you don’t want to be associated with it.

You stand up and the voice becomes elated, “I see we have an eager one here. Well, if you feel so inclined to begin, I’ll skip the details. But as a Bee-Tee-Dubs, if you don’t get out in time, I’m coming in there to kill you all myself. Ta-ta for now!”

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