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honestlyhufflepuff · 4 years

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Here are 20 reasons I am leaving the caregiver job with the client I've had since 2008: a list of unprofessional behavior and abuse by my client's guardian.

1. She said I wasn't Christian anymore, and said I was disrespecting my mother, for leaving the church I was raised in.

2. During the first year of employment, she would yell at me multiple times a week over things like leaving a lamp on (this is while I was caring for her medically fragile, high needs adult daughter). She would accuse me of being incompetent or trying to get fired for unemployment.

3. She told me I was not approved off for my honeymoon, less than a month beforehand, when I gave her over 5 months notice with consistent reminders. She harassed me over several texts while I was on my honeymoon saying I would be fired if I did not return a week earlier than I was supposed to.

4. She told me I still had to come in when I was sick and vomiting because she did not believe me. I became dehydrated and was vomiting so much that I had uncontrollable dry heaving and was unable to drive home. She refused to come home early when I told her of my symptoms, and when she did come home to see me retching into her trash can, she started handing me cleaning supplies to disinfect the trash can and the entire bathroom before I went to the emergency room...

5. ...there was no apology or ownership in forcing a sick employee to work to the point of needing to be hospitalized. She would not accept that I could not come into work for the next 3 days until my husband delivered the doctor's note.

6. I worked there throughout college, and would present my new school schedule each semester. For one class, I made the mistake of scheduling it after work. She said the schedule worked with her, but then consistently got home 30 min to and hour late. I missed so many classes that I had to withdraw.

7. Even after the hospitalization mentioned in #3, she would continue to be skeptical of any time I called in sick over the years (which wasn't often). I had no PTO or sick leave to use even when I was full time, so when I took off I didn't get paid. I was never approved to take off for any reason, and when I did take off it was accompanied by a massive guilt trip about how I was putting her family in a bind. It did not matter if it was a vacation, an illness, a doctor's appointment, or a family emergency. It also did not matter how much or little notice I gave; the guilt trips and emotional manipulation still accompanied any time I needed off. To this day, with every job I've had, I am always incredibly anxious about asking off, but it's never been a problem anywhere else I've worked.

8. Emotionally manipulative things she has said to get me to stay:

-"We don't have anyone else. I have to go to my job in order to care for [client's name]. You would be jeopardizing my job by leaving, and her well being." (If pressed she eventually admits to not looking for anyone else)

-"[Client's name] loves you like a sister, and her quality of life would go down significantly without you..." continues to tell me that if I don't do what she wants then I don't love or care for the client, even if it is because I need a job with higher pay and benefits to support my own family.

-"I thought the two of us were friends. This is very selfish of you." (Any time I don't do what she wants, like continuing to go to school full time).

-"God has put her in your life for a reason. You are called as spiritual sisters. It's your responsibility to care for her."

-"In the real world-the business world- other people won't be ok with you just taking off without approval. It's insubordinate and unprofessional." I was only 18 when she told me this, and young enough to believe her. Once again, I've literally never had a problem taking off with any other client or job because I often had PTO, and was always able to obtain leave approval easily. Even when it meant the client parent had to take off from work, they understood that the onus was on them to find the needed staff to account for people needing sick days and vacation.

9. She puts me in the middle of personal drama, constantly bad-mouthing the client's father and other attendants (who all inevitably leave after a year or two at most).

10. Told me, after a decade of infertility, that God told her I would become pregnant and have a son I was to name Amos. She said it would only become true if I prayed about it, so now when I most likely don't become pregnant, I feel it will be blamed on my lack of faith- or the fact that I am a different faith from her. I feel this instance was truly out of good intention, but ultimately unprofessional and something I would have preferred she keep to herself.

11. For years, she never got home when she said she would. I could never make plans after work because she would agree to come home at 7 and sometimes not make it home until 8:30. She always blamed traffic, needing to run an errand, or her boss keeping her. Then, when I had my own child I had to pick up from an after school program, she consitently got home on time. This showed me that she did have the executive functioning skills to be on time, but did not respect my personal time or work with other clients enough to do so before I was a parent.

12. I bent over backwards trying to help her. I scheduled less time with higher paying clients that were lower need. I sometimes worked 60 hour weeks while I was also in school. It never felt like it was enough. Even for the time I was working there 6 hours a week it was always "Why can't you stay later? Where do you have to be?" The more I gave, the more was expected, and then I was guilted for not meeting that higher expectation.

13. She refused to take the time to have team meetings with other service providers and caregivers, despite the fact all my other client families do this, and keep staff much more consistently as a result. Because of this, information and instructions were always inconsistent. With the client being significantly behaviorally challenged and medically fragile, this was at everyone's detriment.

14. Over the years, I referred 3 friends to work for her because she insisted she could not find caregivers on her own. All 3 of them lasted less than a year due to her behavior. She would then blame them and trash talk them to me, despite knowing I was still friends with them.

15. She expected caregivers to also deep clean the house. We are talking hours worth of work, that there just was not time for within the shift while also meeting the needs of the client.

16. She is openly homophobic, xenophobic, and although she thinks of herself as "not racist," she was extremely weird towards my besf friend's African fiancé. She refused to shake his hand and told me she didn't think he was with her for the "right reasons." Maybe thought he was in it for a green card? She seemed skeptical when I told her that he became a citizen 2 years prior, and that they'd been dating 6 years.

17. She has systematically isolated my adult client more and more over the years. We used to share many interests in things like Harry Potter, early 2000's pop, anime, Harajuku fashion, Adventure Time, Steven Universe, etc. One by one, everything we bonded over was off limits, due to being a "bad influence" or "demonic." She is no longer allowed to engage in any age-expected media unless it is explicitly Christian, and it breaks my heart to see how sad she gets about that.

18. When I was in college, and completely broke after just paying for books and classes, she said that she wanted me to go to the water park with her and the client. Admission was $50. I assumed she was paying since I was being required to go for work, and this was always what was done in the past. In the car, I asked if I could ride a roller coaster that the client wouldn't be able to go on while they ate ice cream. She said "Sure! You can ride whatever you like!"

So, I start getting excited. We're chatting pleasantly until the moment when she says "OK, when we get out of the car, you can go pay for your ticket first, and then I will bring..."

My stomach dropped. I told her there was a misunderstanding, and that I could not afford my ticket. She acted like it wasn't right that she should have to pay for mine. I told her that if she didn't want to, then I could study at the Starbucks across the street while they attended the park. She said no, because obviously she still wanted my help with her daughter. She paid for my ticket, making passive aggressive comments the whole time about everything I did, from how I pushed the wheelchair to how long I took to go to the bathroom despite the line.

I was no longer permitted to go ride the roller coaster, and I sat in silence while they ate their ice cream.

19. Recently, due to Covid, I do not have child care for my own daughter on Fridays. I have been bringing her to work with me, which my client's mom was supportive of. Then the client had drastic behavioral changes that I won't detail, but that O can say was significantly stressful on my daughter, and made it stressful for me to manage both of them at the same time. I told the mother, 2 weeks in advance, that I could not come in on Fridays until the behavior was consistently resolved. I do not want to get a sitter outside of maybe my aunt, due to covid, and I wouldn't expect her to do that every week. My client's mom was very understanding of this at first, seeing as we both now have special needs children, but the night before the next Friday I was scheduled to come in she berated me for not finding babysitting to the point that I started to panic. I firmly told her that I gave her plenty of notice, and then blocked her number up until the day I was scheduled to come back in.

20. When she is home at the same time I am helping her daughter, she micromanages everything. I think she is incapable of just letting me do the same work I've been doing for over a decade without standing over my shoulder and looking for something wrong.

Some background info:

I wanted to write this, first of all, to document all the reasons that I am justified in leaving, so that I can refer back to it no matter how hard she tries to get me to stay. This is like my anonymous way of getting it off my chest since no one who follows me on here knows me irl. Second of all, I want all the young professionals on here to know that, if they are treated like this in the work place, it is ok to leave!

I started working for this family when I was 18, and I am now 31. I have worked as many as 60 hour weeks, and as little as twice a month when I was full time with the state, but I have always cared for her in some capacity since 2008. I am currently working 15-20 hours a week with her.

You may wonder why I've stayed so long, and in regards to that I will say first of all that abusive relationships are hard to leave. The abuser may convince you that you are bad and won't find anywhere else good enough to take you. This can pertain to any type of relationship, be it romantic, professional, parental, or friends.

Another factor is that I love my client deeply, and my employer takes advantage of that. We grew up childhood friends, which is one reason maintaining professional boundaries with this family has been so hard.

The last reason I have stayed may be the hardest to explain, but I will try.

Sometimes she is good. My employer has made improvements over the years. Most of the worst things on here happened when I was in college. I don't know if her improvement is due to a genuine change in heart, or because she knows deep down that her behavior is why all the other caregivers left.

Whatever the reason, we do actually care for each other. We do actually connect and have a good time. She is kind to my husband and my daughter. She often tells me that I am a godsend to her family, a loyal and talented caregiver, and the best friend her daughter has ever had (although she will contradict this the moment I am not doing what she wants).

What I want people in similar situations to know is that the good moments do not erase the trauma of the bad ones. It is not my responsibility to "get over it" because she is trying to do better. A lot of the stuff she has said and done run too deep, and when she lapses into her old ways, I find myself reacting in a panic-driven, irritable way that's not really me. It's a reaction to trauma. I am not required to continue to stay at an underpaid job with an environment that evokes such emotions.

So please, if you are being treated like this in your job, then leave. You will find something else. For me, I intend to have another job lined up before leaving, but I'm on my way. For the first time in years, I've revamped my resumé, and it felt so empowering to work on a document that highlights my strengths!

For anyone in a similar position, you've got this. There are a lot of great jobs out there. There are a lot of humane employers. If you are treated like this, then label it for what it is. It is abuse. It is unhealthy. It is not ok. It is not erased by the times they are nice. And you deserve better.

#knowyourworth #employer #abuse #personal #lizzy speaks #personal vent #long post #text post #not su related #sorry for all the grammar errors i wrote this on mobile

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scum-belina · 7 years

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So we got to see dad today bc my ex step grandpa, Bill (I will never get over how redneck "ex step grandpa" is) gave us a ride to the hospital like he or granny's does usually every other day, but it went downhill FAST. Ever since this all happened him and granny have been trying to control me and mom and make the decisions they want, while me and mom are determined to make the decisions we know are best for dad. So bill always tries to just "tell it like it is" to us, but in that holier than thou "I'm an old wise man and you're just two stupid girls" kind of way, but today was the worst.

Basically what caused the fight was that my dad's truck has needed some repairs done for a while otherwise it won't pass inspection. Dad wanted to fix it last year, but with the pain he was in he couldn't get out to fix it, and he didn't have the money to get it repaired. So Bill sent the truck to a mechanic, he diagnosed the problem and said it'd be about $300 to get it fixed, well that's okay we can pay that. Once the truck gets fixed I'll practice driving in it and get my license, and then get a job ASAP, so that's all good.

BUT - dad did not know bill had done anything to his truck, and dad has been of sound mind the last two weeks, so last night we were talking about what all bill had done and dad was like "I wish bill had consulted with me before he started messing with my own vehicle. I mean it's fine he wants it fixed, but why didn't he let me know?" And mom assured dad that she would let him know about those things from now on if he wanted to know about them. The truck is in dad's name. It's his, so why shouldn't he be informed about what's going on with it? Also dad has said that he wants ME to be the one driving it once it's fixed, not granny or bill, but they want to use dad's truck instead of their vehicles to drive to the hospital, and that's not going to happen.

So back to what happened in the car: As soon as we got in, bill was like "after we go see Chad, I want to go to a cafe or something and have a quiet corner with y'all...set things straight...make sure things are clear...just tell ya lhow it's gonna be" and mom was like "ok, but if it's about the vehicle then we need to talk about that at the hospital with Chad because that's his vehicle", and Bill went fucking apeshit going "NO, NO, NO NOOO!" And me and mom both said "Yes!" And bill said "Chad does not need to know about ANYTHING that's going on" and mom said "I disagree with you Bill" and HE LOST IT EVEN MORE.

He started screaming at us "DO YOU REALIZE YOU MAY HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM??? WHAT WILL YOU DO?? WHERE WILL WHAT MONEY YOU HAVE GO??? WHERE WILL YOU STAY?? I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR THE BOY AND YOU TELLING HIM ABOUT THE TRUCK OR ANYTHING IS HURTING THE BOY!!! YOU'RE BOTH HURTING HIM AND I HOPE YOU CAN LIVE WITH YOURSELVES KNOWING THAT!!!"

Translation: YOU'RE NOT DOING THINGS MY WAY SO IM GOING TO TRY TO GUILT TRIP YOU INTO DOING THINGS MY WAY WAAAAHHH

twice while I was trying to calmly but firmly explain that we HAVE considered every possibility in this situation and are planning our lives out, he screamed "SHUT UP!" at me, and each time I replied with "NO!" and he would act so outraged that a female would daaaaaare tell him no. It was so uncomfortable and enraging. Me and mom handled ourselves very well.

He kept interrupting us when we dated try to explain things and mom finally said "bill why don't you let us talk? Why don't you stop interrupting us??? And he screamed "BECAUSE YOURE NOT MAKING SENSE! YOURE NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT YOURE WRONG YOURE STUPID KIDS AND YOURE HURTING HIM"

He finally kept his mouth shut when he realized he was t going to get his way. But despite me and mom handling it calmly, mom was physically VERY negatively affected by it. Her head was pounding, her chest was tight, and she doesn't need that bullshit. She has enough health problems already she doesn't need more added stress on her, and I'm not going to let them even attempt berate her or me like that again. I will go fucking Rick Grimes biting a throat out insane over my loved ones or friends being mistreated. I cannot tolerate it.

So yeah, BAD day. But despite how awful that was, I'm making the decision to not let it make me bitter, but better. I will use this as fuel for motivation to get my license ASAP, so I don't have to deal with granny and Bill's manipulative bullshit. They use the fact that they're giving us rides as leverage to try and get us to do things their way, and that is not going to happen. Bill wanted dad to not know about the truck bc Bill wants to do things BILL'S way. I suspect he had plans for it dad does not have, so it was nothing but him having a fit that he didn't get his way, and he attacked us and accused us of not handling all of this well in regards to finances, getting care, etc. which again isn't true. Me and mom have done everything we can and our social worker has told us the same. And when the time comes we need to do more, then will do that too.

This is so long I'm sorry but I had to vent it out. I'm so upset over this I shouldn't have to worry about my own granny turning everybody against me and mom, but I do. She's been lying to bill about how we've been managing things and treating her bc we won't give her addict self pills. That's it. It's so sad. Her own son is in the hospital and she's thinking "how can I get more pills out of this?" And "how can I get a new vehicle out of this? Maybe trade the car my son graciously gave me that I treated like shit and refuse to pay the $150 to get it fixed? Or maybe I'll just use his truck once it's fixed?" It makes me nauseous.

Is it so wrong that me and mom feel it's right to let dad have a say in what happens to his own vehicle? He's in his right mind, he's just in the hospital. He is still the leader of our family, and so we felt it only right to let him know about what's going on with his only moderately functioning vehicle, what is so bad about that? We weren't even trying to get bill or granny in trouble, it was all about dad and us wanting to respect him.

Ugh I'm still so torn up over this. I feel so pressured. Bill makes me feel like I am nothing but a stupid child who can't do anything and I'm not. I may have been homeschooled and "sheltered" my whole life, but I'm thankful I was bc I was spared a lot of shit because of my dad's protectiveness. Especially protecting me from my manipulative relatives, obviously. Yes I've always been shy and socially anxious, but all that has been thrown out the window since this happened with my dad. I'm not afraid anymore. I will get my license and be a damn good confident driver, and I will get a job, and God-willing even go to college sometime this year. I am determined. I will get getter. I will succeed.

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