#fo: Angelus tag

[callsignbaphomet]

Okay, so I finished all three WIPs so I'll upload them one by one. I'm uploading them in "order" so it makes better sense. These don't have titles because like I've said before I am absolute trash at coming up with titles. As usual TWs are at the top and if I forget any I'm sorry, it's not my intention so kindly let me know if something needs to be tagged.

☆★☆★→Link to google Doc←☆★☆★

In case someone prefers to read it there than here.

Trigger warnings: firearms, weapons, death, drugs/chems, alcohol, sexual themes, sexual content, panic attack.

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“Dagny, vent på meg.” Jelani called out to Dagny as the little night stalker sped up and climbed up on top of a ruined and blown up car and stared off into the distance, her ears were perked up, her body was stiff and her tail was still and alert.

“La oss gå, Dag.” Jelani said as he walked past the vehicle and continued to walk. He was in no mood for games, not when he was operating on less than two hours of sleep and heavily craving another shot of Calmex. The night before was bad, bad enough that he used up the last two Calmex he had left and he wouldn’t be able to get his hands on another batch for another five days. The nightmares were getting worse.

Dagny looked back at Jelani and let out a quiet bark to get his attention. As soon as he turned around to look at her Dagny kept her eyes fixated on him, her body was still and stiff though he noticed her left ear twitched and bent to the side. He sighed and looked to where she’d been staring and as soon as he did Dagny gave a subtle wiggle as if celebrating the fact that Jelani looked in the direction she wanted him to look. Jelani saw nothing, just tall dry grass as far as the eye could see and several miles away were some ruins and half destroyed buildings.

“A’ight.” Jelani walked over to the car and climbed it to see if he was able to see what had gotten such a strong hold of Dagny’s attention. As soon as he was on the roof he knelt beside her and looked in the same direction. “Hva er det, jente?”

With a better vantage point Jelani could see a little further away. About fifty feet away he could make out what looked like three people struggling or fighting, it was hard to tell from that distance. He retrieved a pair of binoculars from his backpack to get a better view of the situation. There were actually four men. Three of them, who appeared to be farmers, were fighting a fourth man. It was hard to tell what the fourth man was, he could’ve been a scavver, a random settler or anyone else really. Jelani looked up to see the position of the sun, it was still early and he was close to Jamaica Plain, a little detour wouldn’t hurt given how early he decided to take off.

“Kom igjen, Dag.”

Jelani and Dagny made their way to the quartet as fast as they could and once they were about twenty feet from the group both of them slowed down and hid amongst the tall grass. Now that he was closer Jelani could see each of their faces clearly, three of them he’d never seen before but the fourth one, the one the farmers were attacking, surprised him. It was that raider that saved Dagny from drowning when he’d been jumped by the Bunker Hill raiders. Jelani knelt as he grabbed his sniper rifle and once he positioned himself he pointed to Dagny with his left index finger and as soon as the little night stalker saw his hand he then brought up the same hand and pointed to one of the farmers, specifically the one holding a wooden bat, with his index and middle finger. Once he was sure Dagny understood her instructions he then held up his middle, index and thumb. While crouching Dagny took a few steps forward and patiently waited for Jelani.

“Get your bitch hands off me!” Angelus yelled as he struggled to break free but the farmer holding him pulled out a switchblade and pressed the tip to his neck.

“En.” Jelani whispered as he took aim. His crosshairs sitting right on the farmer’s left ear. Dagny slowly brought forth her right foot and set it down on the dry ground.

“From now on we ain’t waiting for no goddamn Minutemen. We’ll take care of you scumbags our own damn selves.” The man holding the bat said as he brought it up behind his shoulder and gripped it so hard his knuckles were turning white.

“To.” Jelani inhaled as he carefully wrapped his index finger around the trigger. He made enough contact with it to apply some pressure though not enough to pull it yet.

The other farmers yelled in agreement. Their frustrations were justified and their anger had made a lot of them bolder than even most of the Commonwealth raiders. Something happened in the last year that offset the balance within raider ranks. New groups and gangs were slowly filtering in little by little into the Commonwealth, these gangs were far more aggressive, destructive and far more dangerous than the raiders that had called Boston their home for years now. At first it was nothing the newly reformed Minutemen couldn’t handle, in fact, some of them seemed to enjoy the challenge, especially their new general. However, the Minutemen’s push back only managed to come off as a challenge to these new raiders and before long the Commonwealth was yet again thrust into war. Many people from both sides had been killed and the Minutemen’s numbers were suffering because of it. With the fight against the Brotherhood of Steel and the Railroad once again focusing on fighting the Institute, a new group that had swallowed the Triggermen and were making a play in the metro area of Boston meant the Minutemen were stretched thin and everyday citizens had had enough. Most were arming themselves and taking to killing anyone they suspected of being a raider. Some thought it was about time but others had grown accustomed to the new general’s proposition. She wanted to do things the way the old world did: leave the raiders, thieves, murderers and other less than pleasant people of the Commonwealth in the hands of a force that was dedicated to taking care of those problems and serving up their own brand of justice dependent on the severity of the crime.

“How ‘bout we kill this bitch and put his head on pike, boys? That way his buddies know not to fuck with us.”

“Tre.” Jelani exhaled slowly as the word left his mouth. Once he felt his lungs empty and right before he inhaled again he pulled the trigger. At the same time he pulled the trigger and the .50 bullet flew out of the silenced barrel of Gungnir Dagny took off with such speed and power her hind legs kicked up the dirt from beneath her paws. The bullet pierced the farmer’s head, the entry point being his left ear and before his body could hit the ground Dagny had pounced on the man holding the bat, the man Jelani had pointed to. She snapped her jaws around his throat. With the momentum she’d gathered as she ran she managed to bring him down to the ground where she proceeded to bite down as hard as she could and pulled so hard her claws dug into the man’s flesh. An almost gross orchestra of her vicious snarls and the man’s gurgled screaming filled the air.

The third man had turned to run but Angelus quickly moved to pick up the switchblade the other farmer had pressed against his neck and tossed it as hard as he could. The blade sunk into the back of his head, he was dead by the time he hit the ground. Angelus then turned around and saw a familiar face emerge from the tall grass, he was still tense from the ordeal but as soon as he recognized him the raider relaxed a bit.

Jelani reached into his coat and took out a silenced .22 pistol. He aimed it at the man Dagny was currently mauling and in a serious tone said, “Gi slipp.” As soon as he said it Dagny released the man and walked over to Jelani, she sat right by his feet while he took aim and shot the farmer in the head.

Once the last of the farmers was dealt with both Jelani and Angelus stood still and stared at each other in silence, it wasn’t awkward by any means, it was more like both of them were carefully analyzing the situation they found themselves in.

“Well, this is a surprise.” Angelus broke the silence once he gathered Jelani wasn’t a threat to him, he figured if he was there to kill him he would’ve been the first one he would’ve shot just to make sure he wouldn’t get away. “Didn’t think I’d see you again.”

“You okay?” Jelani asked as he put the .22 away.

“Yeah, yeah. Just…assholes caught me off guard, you know?” He waved off the mercenary’s concerns, mostly out of embarrassment that he’d been jumped by a pack of farmers. Pissed off farmers but farmers nonetheless.

“Where you headed?”

“I was uh…hmm…” Angelus was actually on his way back to Nuka World from Egret Tours, a settlement he’d befriended some time ago, but he wasn’t about to give that information out to just anyone. It was a tumultuous time to be a raider in Boston, even worse if you were a raider from outside of Boston. Angelus was in no hurry to get back to Nuka World so he smiled and said, “Wasn’t actually going anywhere in particular. What about you? You look like you’re getting ready to cause some serious damage.”

“Contract.”

“Not much of a talker are you?” Angelus chuckled as he relaxed a little more.

“Nope.” Jelani looked down at Dagny who happily looked back at him and snapped his fingers while saying, “Kom igjen.” Dagny stood back up and walked beside him as both headed south.

Angelus watched as both of them kept walking to wherever it was that they were heading and stood still. He’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t wanna stay in the Commonwealth a little longer. Life in Nuka World was beginning to feel stressful with the gangs getting worked up over Colter ignoring everyone’s pleas to expand their territory into the other parks. Plenty of people guessed it was only a matter of time before war broke out between the gangs and while some welcomed it others like Angelus were worried. He had friends in other gangs that he’d rather not kill over some bullshit started by unrest because of Colter’s lazy ass. The less time he spent in Nuka World the lesser the chances of him being involved in an all out war. Now, he could go back to Egret, he was free to come and go as he pleased, but as he looked at the mercenary another idea crawled its way into his head.

“Hey!” Angelus called out and the mercenary and the little night stalker both turned around to look at him as he ran up to them. “Mind if I tag along?”

Jelani jerked his head back as he stared at the raider in confusion, “Why?”

“Well, I’m in no hurry to be anywhere specific and maybe I can help since you helped me with those guys.”

Jelani slightly tilted his head sideways and furrowed his brow as he looked at the raider. He then looked at Dagny who looked up at him and as if she was somehow trying to voice her opinion she let out a yap and wagged her tail while rhythmically stomping her front paws on the ground and panting excitedly. Jelani shrugged as he turned back to the raider and Dagny made her way to greet him.

“Angelus, right?”

“Yeah.” Angelus answered with a pleasantly surprised tone. He doesn’t remember ever introducing himself to him, not now and much less the first time they met. However, the girls that stitched up the mercenary’s injuries did call him by his name so he guessed he picked up on it and remembered. He was honestly impressed. But then again Angelus was really bad at remembering names so someone remembering his name after hearing it once a few weeks back made him smile.

“That’s Dagny.”

Angelus crouched down to pet the little night stalker who happily wagged her tail as Angelus scratched her behind her ears with one hand and rubbed her chest with the other while cooing at her.

“Pretty name for such a pretty girl. Yes, you are.” He gleefully squealed as he continued to pet her, he then looked up at the mercenary and while still petting Dagny said, “What kinda dog is she anyway?”

“Technically she’s not a dog, she’s a night stalker. Most people just refer to her as a dog anyway.”

“Makes sense, I mean she looks a little like a dog and acts like one too. Where’d you get her?”

“New Vegas.”

“Goddamn, you’re a long way from New Vegas. The hell brought you to this dump anyway?” Angelus looked up and saw Jelani’s expression shift ever so slightly. He was still serious but there was something else behind his expression, mostly in his eyes, that Angelus couldn’t quite put his finger on and soon realized he may have asked the wrong question. He quickly stood up and in an attempt to move the conversation to another direction, and still get a little bit of information out of the mercenary, he quickly said, “Okay, so this is Dagny. What about you?”

“Jelani.” He whispered as he lowered his gaze and turned around to continue walking south. Angelus thought it best to stop asking questions for now even though he was tempted to but he knew better.

The three of them made their way south and after almost forty minutes they were nearing a large settlement called Jamaica Plain which peaked Angelus’s curiosity. With how well armed Jelani was he was sure the contract he was fulfilling was a hit so he prepared himself for a fight. However, instead of walking directly into Jamaica Plain Jelani veered off to the west several yards from the settlement and kept walking. Angelus curiously followed behind him. He was about to ask why he was heading in that direction but his question was answered when Jelani began to climb up part of the broken down highway. It was a bit of a steep climb but both of them made it to the highest point of the highway that comfortably overlooked the large settlement. Once in place Jelani put his backpack and sniper rifle down beside him and sat down as he looked over the settlement. He seemed at ease so Angelus figured he’d sit down too. He walked over to Jelani and Dagny and sat close to Jelani and silently looked over the settlement though his eyes would occasionally dart over to the mercenary. He was as easy on the eyes as he remembered him. At one point Angelus looked him up and down and felt the corners of his mouth hike up to form a smile. It wasn’t so much that he was easy on the eyes, he found him exceptionally pretty. From the very moment he first laid eyes on him he couldn’t help but be taken aback, the only reason Angelus helped him was because he was almost instantly smitten or at least that’s what he tells himself just to convince himself he’s at the very least somewhat decent. Had Jelani stayed in Egret that night Angelus had planned to make a move on the mercenary if his head injury permitted. Even now he wanted to make a move but he was sure he’d be turned down while he was yet to finish the contract so Angelus was left with fantasizing and imagining what was hiding under that coat.

“So…” Angelus began as he averted his eyes, “What uh…what are we doing here?”

“Waiting.” Jelani answered as he looked back at Angelus who gave him a look as if waiting for him to elaborate on why they were sitting on a broken highway. He sighed as he came to terms with the fact that his current companion was a lot more talkative than Jelani was comfortable with. He wasn’t angry about that, in fact, he saw it as an opportunity to relearn social skills he’d lost in the few months he’d been in Boston. Since he got there he hardly spoke or socialized with anyone. He had so many fears and so much anxiety and paranoia that it made it hard to even talk to people, even now he was fighting back against the intrusive thoughts he’d been haunted by since the day after his father found him in that basement. He looked down to see Dagny curled up and asleep next to him, he took the little night stalker’s relaxation as a sign that the raider next to him was safe for now so he gathered up his courage, inhaled and indulged the raider’s curiosity. “Ex-Gunner turned Minuteman. Was contacted through a friend who introduced us. Guy abandoned his post and joined the Minutemen so now this Gunner’s looking for some payback.”

“And why are we waiting? Why not just go down there, lure him out and kill ‘im or are we waiting for nighttime to sneak in there and kill ‘im in his sleep?”

“Nah, too much trouble. His shift usually starts at 1400, he patrols the north road where the diner is. That entire road is his until his shift ends at 1900. Take him out once he’s out there.”

“1400? What’s that?”

“Another way of saying 2:00 pm. Twenty-four hour format or as some people say military time. There’s NCR and Enclave with a little bit of Brotherhood of Steel in my family history.” Jelani was hesitant sharing that information and he immediately regretted it though there was nothing he could do about that now. He made a mental note to be more careful going further.

“Wait,” Angelus began to chuckle, “You’re an army brat? Oh, my god, that is hilarious and makes so much sense.”

“How so?”

“The way you took out those two farmers! I never even heard you approach us and that was a clean shot. I’ve never seen shit like that before. Not to mention how well trained your dog is. Also you’re, like, serious all the time.”

“Um, I guess.”

Jelani lowered his gaze and turned to look at the settlement below. He was starting to feel uncomfortable with the way Angelus was staring and smiling, he was well aware that he wasn’t going to hurt him but his mind was wandering to a place he didn’t want to go to, not now that he was feeling relaxed and surprised that he was actually interacting with another person. He focused on a brahmin and watched its movements carefully as he took deep breaths and exhaled as a way to calm himself in order to avoid another panic attack. With every breath he could feel his heart rate slowing down. Surprisingly the preparation he did whenever he was getting ready to make a long range shot on his sniper was exactly what helped him to calm down. Despite the rumors snipers don’t have the ability to stop their heartbeats, however, they can do specific breathing exercises to relax their bodies, slow down their breathing and maintain a type of control over their heartbeats that allows them to pull the trigger at the exact right moment to avoid movement even microscopic ones.

“So where you from?” Angelus asked almost absentmindedly and as soon as he realized what he asked and remembering Jelani’s earlier reaction he sort of flinched.

“Capital Wasteland. Was there till I was around eleven or twelve.”

“Really? Wow, I heard that place was messed the fuck up.” Angelus was surprised his question hadn’t caused any discomfort and was relieved to see Jelani was starting to relax around him.

“It is but then again what place isn’t nowadays. What about you? From your accent I figured maybe from somewhere in the south.”

“Yeah,” Angelus’s face brightened as a huge smile formed on his face. Not many people could make that connection, “from some bum fuck middle of nowhere town in Mississippi. Not a very nice place, full of just mean people, mean critters and a big ass radioactive stinky river full of some foul ass shit that will kill you if you get too close to it. Kind of miss it.”

“Sounds charming.” Jelani chuckled and smiled.

Angelus couldn’t help but stare at him, he was gorgeous and his pale blue eyes seemed to light up when he smiled. Angelus caught himself staring and as he felt his cheeks flare up he looked away and said, “Noticed you have one too, an accent I mean, it sounds weird. Not a bad weird, I mean just weird weird. That wasn’t English that you spoke to your dog earlier was it?”

“No, it wasn’t. Turns out that before the war some family came here and were trapped once the war started. Two hundred years later and I’m the last in that line.”

“Do you know where they were from?”

“Norway.”

“So is that language from where your family’s from?”

“Yeah, they kept passing it down and my dad taught me how to speak, write and read it, Norwegian by the way, before he taught me English so I learned English the same way he was taught.”

“We might have something sort of in common. According to my mom my dad was some caravan trader whose family was actually from Russia, they’d actually made it here some thirty something years before my dad was born. I don’t know what Russians spoke though. Only Russian word I know is my last name: Malakhov. So is it just you and your dad and your dog?”

“It’s just me and Dagny…my dad’s dead.” What Jelani really wanted to say was that his dad was dead because of him but given that he wasn’t ready to come to terms with that he simply left it at that and lowered his gaze as his smile faded and his expression turned somber.

Angelus picked up on the sudden change and he moved closer to Jelani till both of their shoulders were touching. Jelani jumped at the feeling of coming into contact with someone else. His immediate instinct was to pull away but he didn’t, he turned to look at Angelus who had a sympathetic look on his face and in a soft tone said, “My mom’s dead too. She got really sick and just kept getting worse and worse until she died. I later went to live with an old raider turned merc until one day he just didn’t come back home, figured he died out there somewhere. It’s just been me ever since. Hell, I don’t even have a dog.” He pointed at Dagny and then looked back at Jelani.

“Technically…” Jelani started, he waved off the need to safeguard himself by not revealing anything about himself to anyone, “my dad was actually my brother.”

Angelus coughed as he tried his hardest not to laugh so he bit his lips and said in a strained voice, “Oh, sweet pea, you sure you ain’t from the south?”

It took him a few seconds but Jelani started to laugh once he realized that the sentence had come off as a little strange and he needed to elaborate otherwise it would look like his family tree was going in circles. “Ja, pretty sure. What I mean is that my parents died when I was almost two-years-old and my brother who was seventeen at the time took care of me. I honestly don’t remember my parents, sometimes I can sort of remember little details but not enough to form an actual memory of either of them. I think it’s better that way, how are you gonna grieve someone you had no attachment to? So my brother raised me, he’s been the only parent I’ve actually known so I started calling him dad and it just stuck. I used to forget he was my brother and not my actual dad but neither of us cared. Now he’s gone. Irony of it all is we both lost our parents at the same age.”

Jelani was surprised at himself, he revealed a lot more than he had anticipated and it was the first time he thought about Loke without breaking down into hysterics and the first time he spoke about him since he died. He couldn’t explain it but talking to Angelus about it felt like a weight had been lifted off him, ever since Loke died he felt like he was pinned to the ground by a massive boulder that got heavier and heavier as the days passed but talking to him about it alleviated it, or at least some of it. He took a deep breath and let out a nervous sigh, or maybe it was a sigh of relief, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps that sensation was what Loke and the caravan doctor had talked about when they told him he needed to talk to someone about what had happened that night but he hadn’t been ready, he still wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to relive that horrible experience that ripped away something from deep inside him.

Angelus stayed quiet for a few minutes and just watched Jelani. He couldn’t put his finger on it but he thought there was something else that he wasn’t telling him. His tone and words felt genuine yet he could tell there was something he was holding back but he didn’t dare to push the subject matter, not now that he was getting him to open up to him. He went from one word answers to full blown sentences and didn’t wanna scare him into shutting down again so he did what he knew best and decided to distract him.

“So, Jay, have you heard about the Jamaica Plain treasure controversy yet?”

“I’m sorry, the what?” Jelani turned and gave Angelus the most confused expression he could muster. That sentence was one of the most ridiculous ones he’d heard since he reached Boston.

“Oh, sugar, you’re gonna love this. For a very long time there was a rumor that there were riches hidden in Jamaica Plain. What was it? No one knew, some people said it was a building full of caps, some people said there was a secret hidden vault around the place. Other people said that before the war people hid powerful weapons somewhere down there and some said that there was gold. I don’t know what the blue hell gold is but it got some people’s underwear in a tussle.”

“Wait, who started that rumor?”

“Hush your pretty lips. Now, there were some people that thought it was all bullshit and said it was probably a trap to lure morons to their deaths. About three years ago when the Minutemen picked back up there was a group of settlers who came to JP and well, settled! That got everyone up in arms, you had raiders trying to find the treasure, had Gunners, Triggermen, farmers, mercs, ghouls, humans, Diamond City folks left their little safety nest for goodness’s sake! And those bitches are too scared to go anywhere! Everyone came down here to fight the settlers and claim the treasure. Sure as the sun sets there was a mini type of war with hundreds of people searching every fuckin’ building for the treasure or at the very least clues. Now, you see that building down there? The one with the blown up statue in front of it?”

“Yeah. What about it?”

“Okay, so everyone was looking everywhere except for that one. This farmer goes in and looks all over the place, another one sneaks in and people start to notice and soon everyone is running for that building and they’re trashing the place looking for the treasure. Someone finds a door to a basement and they manage to break it down and now you got hundreds of people trying to make their way in. Supposedly there were hundreds of traps everywhere and people start dyin’ or getting injured but they push on anyway ‘cause they figured that the traps mean they’re getting close. So after fighting through traps, hacking security systems, fighting off crazed robots and each other they finally make it the treasure.”

“It was real?” Jelani asked with a dubious tone and expression.

“I shit you not the treasure was a room full of some old world junk put up on display as if it was the greatest fuckin’ thing since unguarded caps. There were hair brushes, some clothing items, junk, a pretty much useless terminal and the most “useful” item there was a wooden bat. Someone even left a holotape that had an inventory of all the “treasure” and someone actually wrote a goddamn speech talkin’ ‘bout how these were special items that people back then used and shit. Well, shitfire, we still use them! Sort of!”

“I legitimately hate it here…” Jelani replied with a monotone voice and an incredulous look on his face as he blinked at Angelus as if somehow trying to make sense of the entire thing. “I’m almost afraid to ask what the fuck happened after they found that shit.”

“Nothing. Nothing happened. Everyone just quietly left the building and went wherever the fuck they came from. The wounded were tended to in the settlement and the dead were buried and everyone went home. Soon as word got out about what happened everyone denied being there, hundreds of jackasses and all of ‘em deny ever being anywhere near Jamaica Plain. Everyone that participated outright denies they were ever even here looking for that shit. Honestly? I think it’s pretty fuckin’ funny. Motherfuckers back then had a nasty sense of humor for sure.”

“What the hell is wrong with everyone here?”

“Oh!” Angelus excitedly said as he playfully hit Jelani’s arm as he remembered yet another story he picked up while in Egret. “Have you heard of the haunted quarry yet?”

“That’s it, I’m getting the fuck out of this fucking place.”

“It’s true! Or…at least they say it’s true. Pack of Minutemen had gone in to clear out the raiders that were in that quarry but supposedly the raider leading that group lost her mind and killed all the other raiders. The terminals were full of really weird entries about voices, visions, quakes and something about the light. Only one of those Minutemen came back and he ain’t been right since. He’s up in Sanctuary ‘cause he didn’t wanna live anywhere near that quarry. To this day he says there’s something ancient and super evil living down there. I forgot the name of the quarry…something sun or maybe dumb itch?”

Jelani’s eyes widened in horror as the two words sounded eerily similar to the name of a building with a less than spectacular reputation back in the Capital. He’d only heard stories and every time he asked Loke about it Loke would quickly change the subject. For a few seconds he couldn’t remember the name but repeating the two words Angelus said in his head instantly made him remember so he turned to Angelus and in an almost deadpan tone said, “You mean Dunwich?”

“That’s the fucker’s name!” Angelus said in an excited tone but then quickly turned serious. “How did you know?”

“Uh…back in the Capital there was this old building people talked about with that exact name. It was weird, every time us kids would bring it up all the grown ups would just change the subject and if we kept pushing they’d just tell us to drop it. There was this old man that lived in the area and he used to talk about it if we brought him beer. According to him, that building was sitting on some gateway or something. Apparently a lot of people that went in either died or came back wrong and there was something about some vault dweller and a book.”

“Ew, that’s…a pretty creepy coincidence.”

“I kinda wanna see this quarry.”

“Well, you’re shit out of luck, sugar. Minutemen have that thing locked down.”

“Hva i helvete? Why?”

“That was kind of a recent development and it’s up for debate as to whether it was to keep the curious out to avoid people getting hurt or lost in the quarry but a lot of us think it has something to do with the Children of Atom. Something kind of weird is happening within their ranks. A lot of ‘em have been turning up dead by their own members. A lot of them are relocating to the Glowing Sea and the few that are left have stopped being really hostile and have turned reclusive. I think they’re up to something.”

“Those quacks are always up to something. There was a lady in Bunker Hill that was keeping track of ‘em and said they’re all avoiding the coastline. Apparently there’s something in the water that they don’t like.”

“Don’t blame ‘em. Probably Ol’ Peg.”

“Oh, that is not real.”

“Lemme know when you have some free time and I’ll take you to Salem. Something…interesting…happened there four years ago.”

“A’ight, but it better be as interesting as you’re making it out to be.” Jelani teased playfully as he pointed at Angelus and smiled. He then reached over to his backpack and retrieved some binoculars as it was close to his target’s shift and he wanted to be ready.

“Promise. And if it turns out to be a dud I have a pretty good idea of how we could salvage the day.”

Confused and a little weirded out by the way he said it Jelani turned to look at Angelus who had a particularly mischievous smile on his face. It didn’t feel malicious but the implication, which Jelani picked up on, sent a cold shiver up and down his spine. He honestly didn’t know what to say so he gave him a forced smile that quickly left his lips and turned to focus on the job at hand.

On the other hand Angelus didn’t pick up on Jelani’s uneasiness and chucked his lack of a response to getting ready for the target. He moved closer to Jelani and watched him eagerly as Jelani scoped the area below them for the target. He wanted to say something but he didn’t want to distract him and cost him whatever caps were promised for the ex-Gunner. His eyes slowly darted from his face, down to his shoulders, his back, hips and down his legs.

“What?”

“Nothing!” Startled by Jelani’s question he looked up to see Jelani looking at him and somewhat frowning at him as if he’d caught him red handed in what he was doing. He thanked whatever was out there that he couldn’t hear all the shit he was thinking as he traced his body with his eyes. “See him yet?” Angelus misdirected the conversation to avoid the awkwardness from building further.

“Not yet.”

“And how do you know what he looks like? I mean, I never really thought about how mercs know what their targets look like.”

“Descriptions for the most part. Very few people have access to working cameras and they give the target’s picture if they’re able to get a shot of them. Even dealt with one very pissed off caravan guard who had a recorder and showed me video of the target. Some old world stuff still works if you manage to fix it. Sure, the quality isn’t what it used to be but it gets the job done.”

“Yeah, old merc I used to live with had a wrist watch that, according to him, his great grandfather found after he traveled east. Managed to fix it and passed it down. Of course, knowing him he stole it and fabricated the story to go along with the watch. Guy was a bit of a compulsive liar, it was hard to get the truth out of him if you didn’t know him. I still have the darn thing but it doesn’t work anymore, somebody told me the gears got stuck or something like that.”

“I actually know of someone that can help with that. Some old caravan merchant I worked for for a few weeks has a contact that can fix literally anything. Pretty sure he can tackle a simple watch.” Jelani said as he lowered the binoculars and looked at Angelus who was smiling at him.

“Really? That’d be great! Can’t tell time for shit but it’d be nice to have the thing working again.”

“It ain’t hard, I can show you.” Jelani stopped mid sentence as he slightly jerked his head back. He seemed pretty upfront about making plans with this raider he barely knew, he couldn’t take back what was already said so he decided to reel it back a bit. “If you want.”

“Sure.” Angelus replied as his eyes softened as he looked back at him.

Both of them stared at each other for a few seconds. Angelus was slowly inching closer and closer and as soon as Jelani noticed he loudly cleared his throat and said, “Guy should be out on patrol soon.” He looked into the binoculars once more and began to search the area for his target.

Angelus kept staring at him and smiling as he said, “Is it 2:00 already?”

“Yeap,” While still looking through the binoculars Jelani pointed forward as the target left one of the buildings close to the old church, “and there he is.”

Jelani handed the binoculars to Angelus and directed him to where the target was. As Angelus watched him make his way to his designated area Jelani looked at Angelus. At first he was listening to what he was saying but the more he looked at him the more his voice faded away as he looked at him. His eyes traced over his sharp jawline, then his neck and throat, his arms, his chest and stomach until his eyes settled on his thighs. A thought crossed his mind, one he didn’t think he would have ever again but as his eyes trailed up his thighs towards his crotch Jelani shook his head and turned to look at the target. Panic was starting to rise within him so he focused on the task at hand as to avoid yet another panic attack.

“You okay?” Angelus asked as soon as he looked at Jelani.

“Ja, I’m fine.”

“So what now?”

Jelani didn’t answer. He grabbed his sniper rifle and while still keeping an eye on the target he laid down on his stomach while aiming the silenced rifle towards the target. Once he was comfortable he inhaled, held the air in his lungs for a few seconds and then exhaled. This was something he always did right before taking a shot but now he was doing it to calm himself as well. There were a lot of caps riding on this job and he didn’t want to screw it up over a panic attack from staring at the man sitting next to him. He continued to breathe in the same manner as he looked through the scope, one of his fingers was carefully coiled around the trigger while he adjusted the scope with his other hand.

Angelus watched in awe at the intricate and almost ritualistic manner in which Jelani prepared himself. He wasn’t exactly good with guns, all he knew was to aim and pull the trigger in the hopes that the bullet would hit whatever he wanted dead or injured. For most of his life he was the type to rush down his victims and beat them to death with a crowbar, any blunt object he could get his hands on or a gun that was out of ammo. His strengths mostly lied in hand to hand combat which he was pretty good at. He knew his strengths and weaknesses and used that knowledge to his advantage. However, he had a huge admiration for people who could handle rifles and bigger weapons especially sniper rifles. He watched carefully as Jelani made very subtle adjustments in his position as the target moved. He kept looking at him and couldn’t help but smile as he looked at Jelani lying on the ground flat on his stomach with his legs spread open. The temptation to reach out was getting to him so he turned to look at the target through the binoculars Jelani had handed him while occasionally looking at Jelani with the corner of his eye.

Jelani had managed to calm himself down and was tracing the target’s movement. He lazily walked from what he assumed was his home towards the diner from the backroad of the huge settlement. Once Jelani adjusted to his speed he managed to keep his crosshairs on the target’s temple. The backroad was empty now that the guard patrolling the area had turned to patrol the adjacent road. Now was the right time to take his shot as it would take a few minutes for people to notice the body giving him and Angelus plenty of time to get a head start to leave the area. The target was now about thirty feet from reaching the diner road where plenty of people were. He’d been able to keep up with the target’s speed and height, as he did he calculated the speed of the wind and the humidity in the air to come up with the best time and angle to fire so the bullet could hit the target.

Jelani inhaled as he moved the crosshairs a few inches in front of his target’s head, at the same time he tightened his grip on the trigger. He exhaled as he blinked once and as soon as the last bit of oxygen left his lungs he pulled the trigger, the recoil from the anti-material sniper rifle made his entire body shake. But as soon as Jelani regained control he looked through the scope to confirm the kill. The ex-Gunner’s lifeless body hit the ground as half of his face was gone and turned to a bloody sludge on the asphalt.

“Goddamn, Haakonson!” Angelus cried out in awe as he kept staring at the body and the blown out head on the ex-Gunner.

“Keep quiet and move!” Jelani said as he folded the bipod on the rifle and flung the carry sling over himself so that the sniper could be carried easily and his hands were free. He grabbed his backpack and took out the silenced .22 and as soon as he had it he put the backpack on his back and nodded to Dagny who quickly got on her feet and stuck close to him.

Angelus quickly put the binoculars in Jelani’s backpack and ran next to him. He wasn’t sure why they had to run but he obeyed. Both of them made their way down the broken highway and as soon as they reached the ground they ran as fast as they could.

The day before Jelani had scouted the area for the best exit route. He’d come up with three different escape routes that depended on different outcomes. He didn't have time to think of the others, since they hadn't been caught and it seemed like the body hadn't been found yet he focused on the one route he had for his current situation. Jamaica Plain was a massive settlement and escaping the reach of the settlers would prove a challenge if anything went wrong. Worst part was that University Point was a few yards away, it was a sort of sister settlement founded after Jamaica Plain faced an overpopulation problem before it expanded.

Jelani ran north, as he had planned, making sure to steer clear of University Point and sticking to staying under the highway that was between both settlements. The three of them ran as fast and as quietly as possible but as they neared University Point they were startled when the unmistakable sound of an alarm siren went off. Jelani stopped in the middle of some shrubs and got low to the ground. Out of instinct he grabbed Angelus' hand and pulled him down as he watched the guards at University Point scramble to look in the direction of Jamaica Plain. They still hadn't been spotted but Jelani was watchful in case the guards noticed them.

“They found a body with his head blown off in Jamaica!” One of the guards yelled at another guard.

From the front gate of University Point a group of armed and armored guards ran as fast as they could towards the settlement. The boys saw they were running in their direction and out of panic Angelus motioned to move but Jelani squeezed his hand. Angelus looked at him with panic in his eyes but the young mercenary quietly shook his head. Angelus looked up and saw the guards running past them, they never even noticed them hiding in the shrubs. When he could no longer hear the guards' footsteps Jelani stood back up, still holding Angelus’ hand, and ran west occasionally looking back in case they were spotted but they managed to make a clean getaway.

They stuck to the south of the nearby Boston Military Checkpoint and avoided Big John’s Salvage as it had been overrun by raiders after the pack of Super Mutants that had taken it over were killed off. Jelani wanted to move as fast as he could, the checkpoint was usually full of Minutemen and while they were constantly at war with the Minutemen he wanted to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. The area south of Boston was always dangerous but it was even more dangerous now than it was four years ago thanks to raiders and Gunners expanding their reach. Jelani, Angelus and Dagny carefully made their way towards Shaw High School though Angelus was nervous. Everyone knew the Gunners had expanded their territory beyond the Gunner Plaza. It took them well over half a year but the Gunners took over Fallon’s Department Store, West Roxbury Station, and the Milton General Hospital for themselves as their numbers increased over the last two years with raiders and ex-Brotherhood of Steel soldiers joining their ranks once the Brotherhood was defeated. The old high school had been turned into a warehouse of sorts after it was taken back from the Super Mutants who’d set up a trap to lure in unsuspecting victims with a recorded message. Angelus was nervous about the direction they were headed to but he didn’t question it, he just followed Jelani and Dagny.

Once the high school was in sight Jelani deviated to the broken down building across from the school. It barely had any real cover and felt exposed but Jelani walked to the back of the building and sat down on a chair looking across the way towards the entrance to the high school and lit a cigarette.

“C’mon. We might be here for a while.” Jelani said as he nodded to the chair next to him.

Angelus walked over to the chair next to him and sat down. Jelani offered a cigarette which Angelus was more than happy to take and stared at the scenery before them. He was still nervous about the area they were in but seeing Jelani so relaxed and calm was indication enough that nothing would happen. Even if something did happen he just witnessed him make one of the cleanest kills and smoothest escapes he had ever seen in his life. He was already impressed with him but the way he calmly handled the situation made a huge impression on Angelus and given the life he’s lived so far he’s not that easy to impress.

“What are we waiting for this time?” Angelus asked.

“Gunner that hired me said that as soon as the job was done to wait for him here. Said I didn’t need to bring back evidence; he’d know when the target would be taken care of. Not really sure how but hey, easier for me. Guy’s supposed to be in the school today and as soon as he finds out he’ll come over with the caps.”

“Thought Gunners didn’t hire outsiders to handle their own shit.”

“Well, usually they don’t from what I’ve seen. Guy wasted no time in threatening me if I said anything. He didn’t want his superiors to catch wind of a recruit he recommended turning into a Minuteman so he got in contact with a contact of mine.”

“I gotta admit, that shit was impressive. I mean, the way you handled yourself? I woulda been shot dead had you not squeezed my hand. The way you handle your sniper is crazy. I can barely hold a gun right and you’re out here blowing skulls in half. How long have you been at that?”

“Oh…like…eleven years now. My dad let me handle the damn thing since I was seven-years-old. I used to joke that I wasn’t raised, I was trained.”

“Hey, better than most of us. Your dad tried to prepare you for everything out here. You’re out here earning caps on your own, killing people from a mile away and making some of the smoothest and cleanest escapes I’ve ever seen. You know what my dumb ass was doing at eighteen? I was in the back of bars blowing guys’ backs out and getting drunk as shit and probably high as shit too.”

“I guess.” Jelani chuckled, however his smile faded as soon as he saw the front door to the school open and from the building emerged a rather rogued and miserable looking man dressed in Gunner attire. He looked around before making his way to the broken down building where Jelani and Angelus were waiting.

As soon as the man approached them his expression turned even more sour than it already was as he stared at Angelus and then at Jelani. Dagny quickly stood up, she quickly made her way towards Jelani and stood in front of him and as soon as the man saw her he took a step back though his expression remained the same.

“I thought you worked alone, Haakonson.”

“I do. He’s one of my contacts; told him to meet me here.”

“Fine. Here’s the caps.” The man reached into his jacket and pulled out a cigarette cartoon, the unmistakable sound of caps crashing together jingled within it. “There’s a little gratitude bump in there too for being discreet about it.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh, and an acquaintance of mine might reach out to your contact in two to three weeks depending on some circumstances. We’ve kind of got some Minutemen problems at the moment, I suggest you steer clear of the area around Corvega. Might get a little intense.”

“Will do.” Jelani replied and made a mental note of the information to pass along to Varg as soon as he was able to contact him.

The Gunner turned around and walked back to the high school where he was stationed for the day and as soon as the doors closed behind him Jelani turned to Angelus and the three of them carefully made their way out of the area.

As they walked on Jelani noticed it was getting late and Angelus was still with him. Normally he wouldn’t care what time it was, he never brought anyone back home with him, the only person to know where he was currently living was Varg because the bunker was originally found by him and since he had no need of it he handed the keys to Jelani. However, Jelani admitted he had a pleasant time with the raider and part of him felt bad about leaving him out to dry at sun down. If the wasteland was dangerous during the day, it was worse at night and he didn’t want Angelus to find himself in the middle of a dangerous situation by himself. As nervous as it made him, Jelani offered for Angelus to stay the night as he wasn’t sure how far off he was from the area they were in. He could’ve offered to go with him but he learned years ago that traveling lonely roads at night by yourself was a bad idea and more often than not a fatal one.

As they approached the bunker, which was at the base of a relay tower Dagny barked excitedly and ran ahead of them. Angelus watched as the little night stalker sniffed around the area and after circling the outside and the main door she sat down by the door and looked in their direction as she wagged her tail.

“Checking for intruders.”

“What?” Angelus replied in a confused tone as he then looked at Jelani who was smiling at him. He’d noticed he was staring at Dagny as she checked the perimeter and answered his question before he asked it.

“She’s checking the area in case there’s any intruders around.” Jelani realized how it made him sound paranoid so he turned to look ahead of him. Before there was a chance for Angelus to ask a follow up question he shrugged and said, “Eh, just in case.”

Angelus didn’t think anything of it, in fact, he thought it was down right brilliant. Big John’s Salvage was teeming with rowdy raiders from the southern parts outside of Boston, to the south were the Gunners that had expanded their territories, Fairline Hill Estates was taken over by some rather disturbed Children of Atom, Jelani was surrounded by all sorts of nasty groups and the least he could do to keep himself safe was use his dog to scope the area and not get a surprise ambush. However, the truth was a little less ideal. Ever since the assault Jelani was paranoid that any of his attackers would’ve found him and snuck into the bunker or someone else with the same type of intention was waiting around the corner to jump him so to keep him from becoming too paranoid he taught Dagny to check the bunker for unfamiliar scents that lingered. So far, the bunker has never been broken into. Angelus was gonna ask a question but when he turned to look at Jelani he saw he had a bit of a solemn look on his face so he dropped it, he was still curious but he figured he could ask it later when Jelani seemed a little more at ease.

They made it to the bunker and once inside Angelus looked around to see a security gate with a heavy security door in the corner of the ten by fifteen bunker. Inside the security gate was a lone console. On the other corner was an elevator though he noticed the panel was ripped out and he wondered how it was supposed to work without it. His question was answered when Jelani reached into his jacket and took out an old rusty key and opened the door. He quickly got on the console and after a few seconds Angelus was startled by the sound of the elevator door creaking open.

“Go on, I’ll be there in a second. Just gotta lock up.” Jelani said as he fiddled with the console.

Angelus walked over to the elevator and waited inside, behind him was Dagny who sat at his feet and looked up at him as her tail wagged. Angelus smiled wide as the strange little dog looked at him. He always loved dogs and to see one, or one that looked like one, acting so friendly towards was pleasant. When he heard Jelani locking up the gate he looked up and saw a large panel on the inside wall of the elevator, there were over a dozen buttons and he wondered how many floors the bunker had beneath it. After Jelani locked up the security gate and the main door he made his way into the elevator where Angelus watched him press four different buttons, the last one he pressed twice in quick succession. After that the elevator began to descend.

After a few minutes the doors opened to reveal a short stretch of concrete and pipes lit up by red light bulbs along the roof of the hallway. At the end was a heavy metallic door. Jelani and Dagny left the elevator and walked down the intimidating looking hallway and Angelus followed close by. Less than a minute later they got to the door and next to it was a keycard reader which Jelani used to slide a keycard he had in his jacket and as soon as a small light lit up in a brilliant green color the heavy metallic door opened. 

Angelus watched Jelani turn right as soon as he walked past the door. He set his backpack down in front of a shelf that was full to capacity in old but readable books, the top of the shelf had five small pots with plants growing out of them. Once he set down his backpack Jelani kept walking towards a door past the shelf, it was small enough for Angelus to assume it was some sort of closet or storage area and seeing as how he walked in there with his sniper rifle and handgun but came back out without them he figured he was right. In front of the shelf was a black sofa, on the floor in front of it was a square black rug and pushed up against the wall next to the sofa was a small black couch. Next to the shelf was a small mattress, it was small enough to have once belonged to a baby or a toddler. On the mattress was a familiar toy, it was the blue teddy bear that one of his friends had given Dagny the day Angelus ran into Jelani for the first time. He couldn’t help but smile as he remembered that day. The way Jelani hugged Dagny when Angelus gave her back to him safe and sound was the most endearing thing he’d ever seen. Jelani was bleeding from the back of his head and all he did was worry about his dog who was soaking wet but otherwise unscathed. Angelus continued to look around. Next to the small couch was a door and further down was a very short hall and at the end of it was a drawer. He then turned to his left and saw a small but fully furnished and functioning kitchen. On one wall were several cabinets and at the base of those cabinets were two very clean bowls, one full of water and the other was currently empty. Dagny was currently drinking some water out of her bowl. In front of the bowls was a small table with two chairs facing each other and next to the table was a wall with a door. Given its position he guessed it could’ve been a pantry.

He then looked forward and saw a longer hallway, though not as long as the one they crossed to get to the actual bunker itself, on the walls in front of each other were two doors and at the end of the hall was a shelf full of trinkets and items. curiosity to get a closer look at the items was overwhelming but he’d do so later. Overall the bunker was small but cozy. The thing that stuck out to him the most was how clean and sterile everything looked. The kitchen was spotless and nothing was out of place, the cabinets, sink, fridge, counter and stove were clean. The kitchen table was clean and the chairs were actually perpendicular to each other and he’d dare even say they were perfectly aligned. The sofa and the small couch, the rug and even the small mattress, which he figured was Dagny’s bed, were so clean they looked brand new. He couldn’t see a single spot on them and whatever wear and tear they had were meticulously taken care of. Just like the kitchen table and the chairs these items were also perfectly aligned and he took notice of all the doors being closed. Not only was the bunker squeaky clean but everything was neatly put away and in its place. The place looked cleaner and better organized than that one working vault near Diamond City.

“How did you find this place?” Angelus asked as he continued to look around.

“Varg. Said he bumped into this place some twenty odd years after the bombs fell. Cleared it and has maintained it ever since. Let me stay here for as long as I want.”

“I take it Varg’s a ghoul?”

“Yeah, he is. He’s one of the pack of ghouls that lives in that massive ship to the south of Boston near Poseidon Energy.”

“I’ve heard of it but I haven’t seen it.” Angelus said as he moved over to the shelf full of books. He couldn’t read but books still fascinated him nonetheless. He looked at the letters along the spines of the books and wondered what they said, wondered what the books were about, and wondered if they were fun. Judging by the full shelf Jelani seemed to enjoy them. An idea crept into his head as he reached out and touched them along the spine and hoped he was correct in his assumption, otherwise his idea would be in vain and admittedly a little embarrassing.

“You read?” Jelani asked as he made his way into the kitchen.

“No. I actually can’t read.” Angelus responded truthfully and for the first time in his life he felt shame over the fact that he couldn’t read. It was funny, he never gave it a second thought but standing in front of that shelf and looking at the books and then looking back at Jelani a few things about him made sense. He wasn’t just smart he was what he and other raiders called “smart smart”, usually book smart people were easily taken advantage of or barely lasted out in the wastes by themselves but Jelani was proof that it wasn’t always the case. He was smart, highly trained, capable of surviving even on his own, obviously more than prepared for most anything that could come his way and as Angelus turned to look at him he admitted he was easy to look at too, certainly soft on the eyes, especially his face. He could easily sit around all day tracing his facial features with his eyes and not get bored.

“From the look of this shelf I’m guessing you do?”

“Oh, ja, that's pretty much all I do in my spare time. Every time I find a new one I haven’t read I take it or buy it or trade for it. Merchant I worked for some time ago stops every so often when she gets books in her inventory and I add ‘em to the list. If I know I’ll be gone for a while I leave a few caps hidden at the entrance and she leaves the books.” Jelani smiled at the end as he remembered his last interaction with the old merchant. She was a very sweet old thing that he grew fond of. She had a habit of finding and hoarding books just for him and thanks to her his collection grew more and more over time and he was thankful for it. On really bad days he often looked for any excuse not to lock himself in his room and put the barrel of a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger and as trivial as it may seem to others he sometimes told himself that if he went through with it he would be abandoning Dagny, wouldn’t see the old merchant again, and would not feel the thrill and joy of sitting on the sofa late at night as Dagny sat on his lap and he enjoyed a book he hadn’t read before.

“Speaking of which, that’s your half.” He said as he walked towards the table, he reached out and grabbed a small bag and tossed it to Angelus who caught it and looked at it in confusion. He then looked at the table and saw the cigarette carton that the Gunner had hidden the caps in.

“Half? But…why? I didn’t do anything.”

“Kept me company.” Jelani shrugged.

“That is nothing compared to what you did. You did all the work.”

“Hey, if those guards would’ve found us I wouldn’t have made it out by myself.”

“I highly doubt that, sweet pea. You look more than capable of handling some lowly Minutemen knockoffs.”

“Kan være…but either way, you were there with me and you didn’t have to.”

“Didn’t have to but, thanks, sweet pea.” Angelus said as he put the small bag of caps in his back pocket. He then walked up to the table as Jelani opened the door in the kitchen and turned on a light. Angelus could see several boxes, bottles and cans. His initial guess was correct, it was the pantry. He saw him come back out with several items, among them was a can of dog food and as soon as Dagny saw it she rushed over to sit by her bowls and patiently waited for her food.

Jelani laughed as he saw her and after setting down the items he grabbed a knife and opened the can of dog food and carefully poured the contents into the bowl. Once he stood back up he nodded towards the food and Dagny began to eat her meal. He chuckled once again and under his breath he muttered, “Flink pike.”

He then turned to Angelus and asked, “You hungry?”

“Enough to steal Dagny’s food.”

“A’ight, give me a few minutes. You okay with brahmin?”

“Absolutely! As bloody as you can, sweet pea.”

“Hyggelig!” Jelani exclaimed as he laughed.

Preparing dinner took about thirty minutes and as soon as it was done both boys sat down to eat. Angelus mostly poked at the vegetables while Jelani insisted it was a good idea to eat them and not feed them to Dagny. Aside from frowning at the vegetables and biting into them while making faces, Angelus kept regaling him with more stories about the Commonwealth. Some were as ridiculous as the Jamaica Plain one, others were more serious and others seemed more like exaggerated rumors that were made up. Every time Jelani laughed and smiled Angelus could feel little flutters in his chest and his cheeks lit up as he looked at him. There was something in the way he laughed that made Angelus feel like he did when he was a kid holding hands with a boy he liked, there was no denying it any more, he was falling for him and hard. The more he heard him talk the more he wanted to reach across the table and kiss him as deeply as he could though he restrained himself somehow. After they finished their meal Angelus volunteered to clean up while Jelani took a shower. The temptation to follow him into the bathroom almost felt like some type of test but once again he restrained himself. When Jelani was done he sat on the sofa and played a little with Dagny while Angelus took a shower. He really appreciated the fact that the bunker had a comfortable setup along with working pipes and plumbing, it was hard to find something like it in Nuka World. He may be a raider but he was very partial to being as clean as possible especially that night.

Once Angelus was done he sat on the sofa next to Dagny who was asleep next to Jelani with her head on his lap as Jelani absentmindedly caressed the back of her neck with his thumb. As much as he enjoyed playing with the small night stalker she was currently in his way. Regardless he sat down on the sofa and gently scratched her back. He looked down at Dagny and couldn’t help but smile. She was sweet, highly intelligent, loving and best of all there was nothing else like her in all of Boston.

“You really like dogs, don’t you?” Jelani broke the silence as he looked at Angelus and smiled.

“Yeah.” Angelus replied and as he did he looked up at Jelani and followed that up with, “Among other things.”

Angelus kept staring at Jelani. It hadn’t been till now that Jelani noticed his eyes were a shade of light gray, he hadn’t noticed before or at least looked at his face long enough to register his eye color. He was starting to feel some pressure build up the more Angelus kept looking at him and lightly smiling so in order to break it he said, “Huh, hadn’t noticed you have gray eyes.”

“Yeah, yours are pretty though.” Angelus said as he placed his right arm on the backrest of the sofa and leaned his head on his shoulder as he continued to look at him.

“Oh, please. It’s the second most common color.”

“Really?”

“Ja, blue’s the second most common eye color. Not sure why people make such a fuss about it, it’s just a lack of melanin in the iris. Yours though, that’s really rare.”

“What does melanin mean? And how do you know all this?”

“It’s what determines hair, eye, and skin color on people and animals. When my dad and I left DC we spent a week waiting out a storm in a university and I practically lived in the library for that whole week. Went through a lot of books which were mostly from the science department. After the storm let up I took as many as I could and over time traded them for ones I hadn’t read yet.”

“Fair but yours has my favorite color so I’m a little attached. That and they’re just really pale, they look a little weird.” Angelus moved closer to Jelani to get a better look at his eyes. He was being genuine, blue was his favorite color and the first thing that stuck out to him as soon as he saw him were his eyes.

“Weird?” Jelani questioned. He noticed Angelus was getting closer and part of him was nervous about someone else being that close to him. He figured he wanted to get a closer look at his eyes and even if that was all that he intended he still felt a little uncomfortable, he moved a little back and as soon as he moved Dagny got up from the sofa and made her way to her bed. Jelani didn’t fault her, she had a long day and was probably exhausted but she’d been acting as a sort of wall between him and Angelus and now that she moved he felt exposed.

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way. You know…I never thanked you for helping me out with those farmers.”

“Oh, you’re welcome.” Jelani said as he smiled as he looked at Dagny who was asleep on her bed.

Without warning or hesitation from the raider’s part Angelus jumped at the opportunity and grabbed Jelani by the chin, turned him towards him and kissed him. Jelani froze in place as what was happening was slowly registering in his head and as soon as he felt Angelus’ hand move up to his cheek he began to tremble. He shut his eyes out of nervousness as he felt Angelus’ thumb gently caressing his cheek and felt as he pulled him closer to him, as he did Jelani stiffened his body which only made Angelus move closer to him while he continued to kiss him. He could feel himself tremble a lot more to the point where his hands, that were pressed against the sides of his body, were starting to shake. He felt his heart beating faster and more intensely and his joints locking up making his body very stiff, he could hear his breathing intensify and it all accumulated in a single loud gasp as soon as he felt Angelus’ tongue slowly rub against his.

“You okay?” Angelus asked as he backed up a little and looked at Jelani who partially opened his eyes to see what he was doing.

No, he wasn’t okay. He was everything but okay, he really did not want to be doing what he was currently doing or better said what he thought he was being forced to do but he was afraid to tell him to stop. Jelani lowered his gaze out of fear and nodded as he said in a low whisper, “You just caught me off guard.”

“You sure?”

Instead of asking him to stop or arguing against it Jelani leaned forward and returned the kiss. He told himself that if he was the one to continue he’d be the one choosing to go through with it and it wouldn’t be the same as the night of the assault because in his head it made more sense to willingly go through with it even if he didn’t want to. It was irrational and illogical but somehow it made sense to him.

They kissed for a while and even though Jelani was starting to relax a little he was still stiff, nervous and forcing himself not to cry. Angelus completely misread Jelani’s reactions to being nervous due to lack of experience and he wasn’t wrong about that but his reaction was also due to something else he couldn’t possibly imagine. As they continued to kiss Angelus carefully pulled Jelani closer to him and then slowly and gently pushed him down so that he was laying on his back on the sofa and he was hovering over him. He placed one hand on his neck gently caressing him and used the other to slightly lift up Jelani’s shirt. He fumbled a little but eventually he found his belt and undid it, he then moved his other hand to undo his pants all the while still kissing him though much more intensely than before.

Jelani was starting to notice what was happening and he let out a barely audible whimper as he kissed him back using more tongue than he was before. He was starting to get nervous again but he was still too afraid to speak up so he countered it by trying to convince himself that this time he wanted this to happen. As soon as he felt Angelus pull his pants down his entire body went stiff and his eyes went wide, feelings and memories, sounds and sensations from that night flooded his mind all the while he was trying his hardest to contain his emotions though they were teetering on the border. As Angelus pulled on his pants he kissed him along the jaw, his neck and went further down, Jelani remained frozen in place until he felt his breath between his legs and his fear intensified. Angelus gently grabbed him with one hand and dragged his tongue along the shaft which caused Jelani to sit up.

“No, wait! Wait! Angelus, wait!” Jelani cried out as he looked at Angelus who propelled himself up to look back at him.

“You okay?” He asked as he looked at him. He seemed breathless and wired like he was afraid instead of aroused.

“Wait…uh…just do whatever you want but not that. Please?” Jelani pleaded as he looked intently at him, hoping and practically praying to no one that Angelus would at least avoid that particular activity. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep himself intact if he did what he was about to do and the last thing he wanted was to have a meltdown in front of him since he didn’t know if he would stop if he asked him to. Being assaulted again was one thing but being forced to beg and be ignored would’ve sent him somewhere he wasn’t sure he’d ever come back from.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard a guy say no to that…are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yeah, I just–I’ve never…” Jelani lowered his gaze. Part of him felt like he was lying, that he could no longer make that claim, not after what was done to him.

“Never?” Angelus picked up on what Jelani was trying to say, his behavior aligned with what he had just said and he felt a bit awkward for moving as fast as he did. Angelus lifted Jelani’s face with his hand and as their eyes met he gave him a warm smile and said, “It’s okay if you’re not ready, sweet pea.”

He wasn't sure if he was or if he wasn't but the fact that Angelus backed off without Jelani really asking him to stop made him feel strange, it was hard to describe, he felt alleviated, nervous, confident and somewhat aroused all at once. He’d be lying if he said he wasn't interested in him but all the noise in his head took even the most innocent of thoughts and twisted them making them all about that night. Quite frankly he was tired of it. Despite the fact that he hadn’t planned on having any other company aside from Dagny that day he actually enjoyed having Angelus with him. He enjoyed the conversations they had before he took out that ex-Gunner turned Minuteman. He enjoyed the walk from the high school to the bunker and he certainly enjoyed having him around the bunker. Before he kissed him Jelani hadn't felt like he was in any danger and even after he kissed him he didn't really feel like he was in danger, it felt like his traumas were bleeding all over him yet again and ruined what would have otherwise been a pleasant experience, one that made him nervous, but pleasant nonetheless.

Jelani made up his mind and acted on his impulse before his head could catch up and ruin the moment again. With both hands he reached out, grabbed Angelus by the shirt and pulled him into a kiss, a bit clumsily at first as he was internally trembling yet again. He was still nervous so he was a bit stiff but he was far more enthusiastic now than he was before. Once he felt more comfortable he himself laid down on his back all the while still grabbing onto Angelus’ shirt which prompted the raider to lie on top of him. They continued to kiss as both pressed their bodies together; Jelani then wrapped both arms around Angelus’ neck.

“Are you sure you're okay with this? You really don't have to if you're not ready, sweet pea.” Angelus asked between kisses.

As a response Jelani finished pulling off his pants and pushed them off the sofa all while still keeping his arms wrapped around Angelus' neck and kissing him. Angelus placed a hand on Jelani’s thigh and used the other to remove his shirt but as soon as Jelani noticed he pulled down on the shirt.

“Don't.” He said between kisses.

“Okay.” Angelus replied as he let go of Jelani’s shirt. He lifted that same hand up to his mouth and inserted both his index and middle finger in his mouth. After a few seconds he began to kiss him again, deeper and a little more intensely this time. He moved his hand down and with the other spread Jelani's legs open a bit more. As he continued to kiss him he couldn't help but smile a little when he heard Jelani moan as he teased him with his fingers. He slowly circled his hole while occasionally pushing in the tip of one of his fingers but pulling the tip back out. The teasing only caused Jelani to moan louder in his mouth and when Angelus figured he had enough he carefully shoved his middle finger inside him. Angelus was slow and steady at first but he sped up when Jelani began to kiss him in an almost desperate manner. After a while Angelus pulled out and as he positioned himself better he kept both his middle finger, ring finger and index finger together and pushed all three inside Jelani who gasped which caused Angelus to go a little faster. He kept increasing speed and going deeper the more he became aroused due to Jelani's reactions.

Angelus kept going and eventually moved his head down and licked along Jelani's neck and given how much more and louder Jelani was moaning when he kissed along his neck he zeroed in on his neck while he went harder and deeper inside him. At some point Angelus moved his free hand and grabbed Jelani by the hip to pin him down to go faster and as deep as he could.

Jelani opened his eyes wide as he felt a hand on his hip and suddenly he was flooded by memories of that night. He began to hyperventilate as he felt like his entire right side was on fire, he began to tremble as he remembered details both small and big of that night. He swore he could hear their voices, their grunting, the noises they made when each had their turn with him. He could swear he could suddenly smell whiskey and he couldn't help but start crying. He wanted to scream but found he was breathless and all he could do was gasp as he kept being bombarded by those awful memories that seemed to still haunt him.

“Please…” He managed to whisper and when he noticed Angelus didn't stop he couldn't help but cry a little more.

“What, hon? Harder?” Angelus confused his pleading for him to go harder, so he did, not knowing that wasn't why Jelani said what he said.

“Stop! Please stop! Please!” Jelani managed to cry out almost hysterically.

Angelus immediately stopped and looked up to see Jelani crying with a look of sheer terror on his face. Confused but above all concerned he very carefully pulled out and said, “I didn't hurt you, did I? Are you okay, sweetheart?”

Jelani didn't answer. He remained frozen underneath Angelus while hyperventilating and looking directly at him. As soon as Angelus realized that something was wrong he backed away while keeping his eye on him and staying as still as possible, mostly as a reaction to his own confusion. He didn’t know if he had hurt him or did something that he wasn’t ready for though he was taken aback by his reaction. He looked him over and saw Jelani was frozen on the spot. He’d shuffled away from Angelus and was staring at him with his eyes wide open and was hyperventilating while staying as still as possible, he then noticed he was grasping the sofa hard.

“Sweet pea? Are you okay?”

After a few minutes of watching Jelani remain frozen in place Angelus got up and went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of clean water. He washed his hands in the sink and rushed back with the water and sat down as he reached his hand out and gently placed it on Jelani’s cheek. As soon as Jelani felt his hand he let out a loud yelp and backed away from his hand, Angelus frowned but he quickly realized that it was most likely a bad idea to touch him at the moment. His concern for him grew due to his reaction.

“It’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you.” Angelus whispered as he looked at him and brought the bottle of water closer to him. He wasn’t entirely sure if water would help him, it was a knee jerk reaction. He’d seen so many people get water to people that were hurt or scared so many times he unconsciously incorporated it into his response to injury or fear. “Relax, sweet pea, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re okay. Nothing bad’s gonna happen. Have some water, it’ll help.”

Angelus grew worried when Jelani didn’t react to anything he was doing or saying and he wondered what he’d said or done to cause this. He felt he may have pushed him too far, maybe he wasn’t as ready as he thought he was even though he insisted and the thought of being responsible for Jelani's current state made him sick to his stomach with guilt but he wanted to focus on making him feel better.

“Please, baby, talk to me. What’s going on?” Angelus insisted, his tone was growing desperate enough for him to have noticed himself. “I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong.”

Jelani made a sound as if he was trying to form a word though it got caught in his throat, he began to gasp as if somehow struggling to calm himself, breathe and talk at the same time all while scared out of his mind. Angelus stopped for a moment to look over Jelani and realized that he was panicking, he’d seen that before, it was a long time ago but he remembered seeing it. The water could help but he looked around for a blanket or a big jacket or a coat, anything that he could wrap him with. The bunker was spacious but it wasn’t large either, he could see the kitchen, the closet that he saw was full of weapons, ammo and other items that weren’t related to what he was looking for. He knew where the bathroom was so he walked over to it after he told Jelani that he was going to find a blanket. He wanted to communicate with him as clearly as possible to prevent further panicking and to establish some form of understanding so that he could focus on something instead of panicking. He went to the bathroom but didn’t find what he was looking for. Once he was back in the hall he noticed a door on the opposite wall and figured he could check it out. He opened the door and walked in, the room was dark so he felt around the wall for the switch and as soon as he found it he flipped it.

It was the bedroom and just like the rest of the bunker everything was clean, perfectly aligned and perfectly set up. The bed was made up so well that he couldn’t find a single wrinkle. At the sight of it Angelus scoffed and laughed.

“Army brat…” He chuckled as he went over to the bed and grabbed the blanket. It was almost a shame to ruin the bed but there were more pressing matters at hand than to lament a perfectly made up bed. He rolled up the blanket and tucked it under his arm to free up his hands. He figured he’d bring over some pillows as well so he could get him as comfortable as possible. There were several pillows so he grabbed as many as he could carry. When he lifted one of them he dropped everything he was carrying when he was startled by the sight of blood underneath one of the pillows and a switchblade neatly tucked underneath it. The blood on the knife and the pillow as well as on the bed was dry though it didn’t look like it had been there for too long as it still had that bright red hue to it. He looked at the pillow and was worried as it was a lot of blood, he couldn’t possibly imagine what could’ve happened nor did he want to sit there and ponder about it as he needed to get the blanket and pillows back to Jelani though he made a mental note about it to ask him later. He put the bloody pillow back exactly how he found it and put two of them back alongside it almost as if trying to feign that he hadn’t looked through the bed long enough to have found the blood and the knife to spare Jelani knowing he found it.

Angelus rushed back to the sofa and found Jelani hadn’t moved at all, he was upset but he focused on the task at hand.

“Okay, sweetheart. Let’s just try to get you warm and comfy.” Angelus wrapped the blanket around Jelani, after that he placed a pillow between his head and the backrest of the sofa and tucked another behind his back.

“Can you hear me?”

Jelani didn’t answer but he looked directly at Angelus and even though it wasn’t an answer Angelus smiled as at least he wasn’t looking through him which meant he was responsive.

“Do you wanna stay here?”

This time Jelani nodded and it seemed like he stopped crying though he was still breathing heavily and Angelus wanted to focus on that. “Okay, sweet pea. Do you want some water?” Jelani nodded again and Angelus opened the bottle and handed it to him and watched as he took little sips from it and smiled as he watched him.

After a few minutes Jelani set the bottle down and sighed as he looked down to look at it, his breathing was almost back to normal. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“Nei, you didn’t. I wanted to but…” Jelani began to cry again.

Angelus got up and carefully pushed him forward so that he could sit behind him and hug him from behind. To his surprise Jelani grabbed on to him and just cried. Angelus rested his head on his and kept reassuring him that he was safe and that it was all right all while still wondering what happened to him to have made him have a panic attack but more importantly what could have triggered it so that he could avoid it in the future. He replayed what they did in his head and nothing stuck out to him. After some time passed Angelus heard a very faint and subtle hum coming from Jelani and as he looked down he noticed he’d fallen asleep in his arms and a very big and admittedly goofy smile formed on his face as he whispered to himself, “Oh, no…he’s adorable.”

It was around noon that Jelani was woken up by Dagny when she climbed up on the sofa and yipped at him to get his attention and when that didn’t work she began to lick his face until she woke him up. Seeing her snout so close to his face startled him a little but as soon as he sat up and got his bearings he got up and looked through his backpack for a watch he always carried and saw the time. He slept for almost twelve hours. He stood back up and realized that he’d actually slept through the entire night and as far back as he can try to remember he didn’t wake up from a nightmare or a night terror, he hadn’t drunk any alcohol or taken any chems. He was almost worried, ever since the assault he’d have a nightmare every time he fell asleep for more than three hours but last night he slept fine, he even felt rested. For the first time in months he felt like he had a good night’s sleep.

“Malakhov?” Jelani called out to Angelus but he got no response.

Jelani looked around and didn’t see him so he figured he must have been in the bathroom so he walked over and knocked on the door but there was no answer. He knocked again and again was met with silence. He opened the door only to find the bathroom was empty, after he closed the door he went into his bedroom and saw it was empty as well. He walked back to the sofa and stood in the middle of the bunker and realized he was all alone and for the first time in months it left a sinking feeling within him. When he came to terms that he was alone he turned to the kitchen to get Dagny something to eat as he figured she must have been starving he noticed some items on the kitchen table and frowned. He was one hundred percent sure he’d cleaned up everything in the kitchen after he and Angelus ate dinner the night before so he went over to it to take care of it but as he got close he noticed what it was.

On the table was a plate of food, cold by now, a fork next to it, a bottle of clean water and a holotape recorder with a holotape labeled in faded black ink “Launch Codes” sitting on it. Jelani recognized both items as both were in the bunker when he first moved in. He sighed deeply and put the holotape into the recorder and hit play and after a few seconds of static Angelus’ voice came on.

“Hi! I’m sorry I left without saying anything but I didn’t wanna wake you up. Hope you don’t mind but I took another shower and made us some breakfast. Now, I ain’t the best cook but I hope it’s okay. Oh! And I fed Dagny this morning so you don’t have to worry about feedin’ her whenever you wake up. Let’s see…um…I’m gonna be out of Boston for about a week and when I get back we can take that li’l trip to Salem and see some weird shit. I promise, it’s worth it. And…listen…I don’t know what happened to you at some point in your life but I am so sorry that I triggered that panic attack. I don’t know how it happened but I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that to you. You know, I may talk a lot but I’m pretty good at listening too so if you need to talk to someone I’m all ears. Anyway, I had a good time with ya and yeah, I’ll see you in a week, sweet pea.”

Jelani shuddered as he tried his hardest to keep himself from crying but by the end of the recording he was sobbing as he wrapped his arms around himself. There were so many thoughts racing across his mind at the moment and he felt emotionally overwhelmed and ashamed of his panic attack the night before. Angelus actually felt good and so did he and for once he managed to keep his fears in check but it seemed like being grabbed a certain way and in certain areas was too much for him. For reasons unknown even to him he wanted to tell him that his panic was sparked by him grabbing his hip but the more he thought about it the stupider it sounded and he felt embarrassed by it. He couldn’t understand why but he missed him already and part of him felt like if he knew where Angelus was headed he would’ve run after him just to be near him and it both confused and scared him. He was never one to be dependent on another person but he wanted to be with him at that very moment and the fact that he wasn’t there and would have to wait a week to see him again felt rancid. He rewinded the holotape as he laid his upper body on the table and played it again just to hear his voice.

#001022 #fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #fo: Dagny tag #Oracle Corp AU: Fallout

[callsignbaphomet]

Just finished watching a video (unrelated to Fallout) and honestly I like the idea that Angelus is fascinated by Gungnir and when Jelani's not looking he likes to touch it and grab it and gets bolder with time and eventually goes to pick it up and is shocked at how heavy it is.

He just looks at Jelani puzzled like, "How do you carry this big fucking thing around like it's nothing!?"

Meanwhile Jelani just shrugs at 'im like I dunno. Tbf he's used to the 35 pounds, he's been messing with that anti-material sniper rifle since he was 7-years-old. Also Uthorim and Loke have no issues carrying it but yeah, Angelus is mostly used to small SMGs and pistols so a 35 pound AMR would fuck up his skinny ass.

Also I am O B S E S S E D with Sig Sauer lately. Like Jelani's entire loadout is nothing but SS. The SS MCX Virtus (yuuuuuuuum), SS P365 and the only non SS he has is the Barrett M82. Seriously the Modern Firearms mod for FO4 is so goddamn good.

#fo: Angelus tag #fo: Jelani tag

[callsignbaphomet]

Short #3

Short #1 Short #2

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

Angelus slowed down and looked at Jelani who was completely avoiding any and all eye contact with him. His eyes darted between the window and the roof even as Angelus stopped to look at him. He recognized that behavior so he stopped, carefully lifted himself off him and sat next to him making sure not to touch him. He looked him over and noticed his breathing seemed uneven and distressed which was far from his own breathing which was a mixture of excitement and pleasure.

“Jela, are you okay?”

No response, just his heavy and distressed breathing as he stared up at the roof while lying completely still on the bed. His arms were stiff against his sides and his fingers were digging into the mattress.

“Jela?” Angelus called out again as he slowly moved his hand towards him.

“Can we stop?” Jelani asked, his voice breathless and shaky.

“Yeah, of course.” Angelus replied and watched as Jelani got up and sat on the edge of the bed as he quickly scrambled to grab his clothes and boots. It was the first time since they’d met that Jelani seemed comfortable enough to completely undress while he and Angelus had sex and while Angelus was unsure about Jelani trying it he wanted Jelani to make that decision for himself and as it turns out he wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t mind his partner being half naked, the only thing that mattered was that he was comfortable.

When Jelani put his jacket back on he closed it tightly and wrapped his arms around himself as he sat quietly looking away from Angelus. Angelus on the other hand, put his shirt back on and sat next to Jelani who was quietly crying. He couldn’t help but brush his hair back, he knew touching him while he was in that state wasn’t wise but he wanted to comfort him somehow, he was glad to see he hadn’t jumped at the feeling of his touch.

“I’m sorry.”

“Aw,hon…” Angelus quickly sat up and carefully grabbed Jelani’s face with both of his hands and turned his face towards him. “Don’t you ever apologize for not wanting to continue or not wanting to, all right? We do this if and only if you want to and feel comfortable with it, you don’t owe me or anyone that and don’t say yes if you’re not up for it, okay? I’m serious. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”

Jelani didn’t say anything, he just looked at Angelus for a second before grabbing him by the chin, pulling him closer and kissing him. Angelus returned the kiss though he was cautious about where he touched him. About a minute into the kiss Jelani suddenly pulled away and without saying a word he left the room leaving Angelus sitting on the bed.

Angelus was unsure if he should follow him or give him space, for the most part he guessed and this time it was no different. He got dressed and followed Jelani outside but stopped at the door and watched as he made his way to the end of the dock. He wanted to follow him to make sure he was really okay but being that close to water made Angelus’s skin crawl, he knew Jelani knew of his phobia of bodies of water so whenever he wanted time for himself he’d usually head down to the dock. He watched to make sure he was only going to the dock and not somewhere more secluded, he didn’t want him going to some other area where no one would be able to see him. The more eyes Jelani felt on him the less chance there was of him hurting himself. As he watched him he was suddenly startled by someone grabbing his left arm and dragging him back inside the building. Once he gathered himself he turned around and saw Loke closing the door, there was a serious look on his face that actually managed to unsettle Angelus–though he’d never admit to it much less let Loke know he found his expression unsettling. Part of him wanted to match Loke’s energy but he knew better than that so he chose to lower his shoulders and relaxed his stance. He watched as Loke walked past him and made his way to the empty bar where a lone shot glass and a full jug of moonshine were waiting on the countertop. Loke sat down and grabbed the jug, poured himself some of the moonshine and took a swig from it, as soon as he swallowed he turned to Angelus, this time with less intensity, and with the shot glass he pointed at the seat next to him.

“Sit down.”

Angelus hesitated at first but before Loke could tell him to sit down again he made his way to the bar. As soon as he sat down he turned sideways to face Loke, both men were now facing each other and silently sizing each other up, not in a physical sense, it was more like they were sizing each other up in terms of intentions and personalities. They looked at each other for a few minutes before Loke broke the awkward yet tense silence.

“I think it’s time you and I had a conversation.” He said as he reached over the countertop and grabbed a second shot glass. He set it on the countertop with enough force for the glass to have made a significant thudding sound but he hadn’t slammed it either. He poured some of the moonshine into it and slid it towards Angelus as he stared him down.

“I guess so.” Angelus replied as he grabbed the glass and downed the drink in one gulp. Northern moonshine didn’t have the kick that southern moonshine had, it went down as smoothly as water did.

“How did you meet?”

“Some Commonwealth raiders ambushed him a few miles from here. They took Dagny and stuffed her in a bag and tossed her into the river. One of my guys fished her out and I got her out of the bag, the others gunned down the raiders and I handed Dagny to him. Noticed he was bleeding from the back of his head so I brought him here. Ginger and Genevieve are old friends. They stitched him up, gave him some pain killers, offered him some dinner and a bed for the night but he declined and left after thanking the girls for helping him.”

“How come a group of raiders,” Loke’s tone was coated in poison as he said the word, “decided to help someone getting jumped by other raiders?”

“We’re not all one big, happy fuckin’ family. For the most part we tend to look down on Commonwealth and Wasteland raiders. Nuka World raiders tend to think highly of themselves. Truth is we normally don’t give a fuck what other raiders do but we were after that specific group and Jelani just so happened to have been jumped by them at that exact moment. And lemme answer your next question before you ask it, we saved Dagny ‘cause the gang kinda has a thing for animals.”

Loke chuckled and poured some more moonshine into the two glasses, then proceeded to take out a new pack of cigarettes and placed one in his mouth and lit it. He then offered Angelus one as he said, “A thing for animals, huh?”

“Not that kind of thing, asshole.” He quickly regretted calling him an asshole but as he reached for a cigarette he noticed Loke’s demeanor hadn’t changed so he guessed he wasn’t mad at the insult.

“So how long has this…” Loke waved his hand gesturing towards Angelus and Jelani’s relationship after he handed Angelus his lighter, “been going on?”

“About four months.”

“Okay.” Loke simply answered as he poured another shot of moonshine into both glasses and took a swig from it and then took another puff from the cigarette.

“Lemme ask you something. Would we be having this conversation if I was say…with the Minutemen? Some half delusional hack working with the Railroad or working a farm from dawn till dusk like a good boy?”

“Oh, we most definitely would. Doubt I’d be this bitchy though.”

“My being a raider never bothered him and him being a contract killer never bothered me. Long as he’s happy it shouldn’t matter to you what I do. Either way I decided that I’d rather be here taking up guard duty or looking at vegetables all day just to be with him. I didn’t want him around that crowd anyway.”

For all intents and purposes Angelus was practically out of the gang, he just hadn’t told Jelani yet. As time went on he had more ties with the Commonwealth residents than with his gang at Nuka World. In fact, when Gage’s little plan to replace Colter backfired he’d just about given up being a raider, it was only Jelani’s enthusiasm to rebuild the gangs and take back the park that ignited his desire to stay. However, Angelus was fully aware of the contingency plan Jelani had in place in case Nuka World ever decided to target the Commonwealth, he even helped piece it together and was there when the plans and documents were handed over to Preston Garvey himself with the strict warning that if Garvey acted against Nuka World without provocation Jelani would unleash all of Nuka World and all allies against the Commonwealth. At the end of the day Angelus’s loyalties lied with the mercenary he fell in love with, not a gang or a settlement.

“There’s another matter we need to discuss,” Loke threw his head back as he took yet another swig from the moonshine, “about Jelani and you.”

“He told me what happened.” Angelus had anticipated that Jelani’s assault would be discussed, he knew Loke would bring it up. However, he knew he had to navigate the subject carefully as he knew Jelani hadn’t told his father about anything he’d gone through while he was in Boston. He didn’t want to give out too many details as he felt the only one that could do that was Jelani himself. “He was…very…detailed about it.”

Loke remained quiet for a moment. The subject matter was uncomfortable for a lot of reasons not to mention the fact that he still felt guilty for letting it happen; for failing to protect Jelani especially from something so gruesome. Loke tried to get him to talk about the assault but Jelani hadn’t been prepared to do that, at least he found some solace in the fact that he spoke about it to someone he seemed to trust and Loke was thankful for it.

“So you know what happened to him.” Loke started as he grabbed the jug, poured himself some of the moonshine and then poured some in Angelus’s glass. “Personally, I think him having a boyfriend right now is a bad idea. I don’t think he’s fully healed from that shit, as you clearly saw.”

“Everything we do is consensual, in fact, I make damn sure he’s absolutely comfortable with anything because I don’t want him to feel like he’s being forced to do anything. Sometimes that happens.” Angelus pointed in the direction of the dock where he last saw Jelani. “And sometimes it doesn’t. If he needs me to stop I stop, I don’t question it and I don’t try to get him to continue. I care more about his well being than about getting my dick sucked. Maybe it’ll get better, maybe it won’t. Maybe he’ll be like that for the rest of his life, I don’t know, you don’t know. But you gotta trust him to be able to make his own choices. I know he’s your kid–”

“Yeah, you’re right. That’s my kid and until I’m cold and dead in the ground I’ll do whatever it takes to protect him from everything. I failed him once but that was the first and last time.”

“No, you didn’t fail him but you will if you keep shielding him from everything. He’s not healed yet but neither are you. Personally, I think you two should sit down and talk. Just trust him, be there for him and help him and protect him but trust him as well. Do I wanna be with him? More than anything but if I felt that my being with him would be detrimental to him I’d leave as much as it would hurt. He’s got two crazy fierce dads looking after him but he also has an unhinged bitch of a boyfriend–all he has to do is point at whatever so much as looked at him wrong and I’ll hand its organs to him on a silver platter.”

Loke couldn’t help but laugh, not in a mocking way though. He appreciated Angelus’s raw honesty and passion. Not so much him telling him he’d fail Jelani if he kept trying to shield him but he wasn’t about to get into that argument. As a parent it was easy to lose sight of the difference between protecting and sheltering and he’s fully aware he’d blurred that line once or twice but never in his thirty-two years of life did he ever think Jelani was not capable, even after the events that took place almost a year ago, he knows Jelani is far more capable than he ever was or could ever hope to be. He trusts that he’s capable of being able to face down anything out there and come out on top but that doesn’t erase the fact that for all intents and purposes he’s still his son and he’ll do anything to protect him. He had to admit, even if he didn’t want to, that Angelus was right. He had to trust that Jelani was capable of making his own choices despite his trauma and anything else that was affecting him. Loke had to realize that maybe him thinking that Jelani having a boyfriend was not a good idea at the moment was in actuality not what Jelani wanted. Maybe Jelani wanted to feel normal and put the assault behind him and a partner was a way for him to do so, maybe he didn’t want the assault to stop him from enjoying things other people got to enjoy. There were a lot of factors to weigh in and Angelus was right, Loke had to trust Jelani to make those choices himself if he ever hoped to heal.

Loke reached for another cigarette and handed one to Angelus who happily took it. As Loke inhaled the savory smoke and let it fill his lungs he felt his hostility towards the raider lessen. He still didn’t enjoy the fact that he was a raider but every answer he gave him actually satisfied his worries about him.

“Do you love him?”

“Oh.” Angelus was caught off guard by the question. “I guess so.”

“No, this isn’t a guess. I didn’t ask you if you liked Nuka-Cola. Do you love him?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then I won’t get in your way.”

Angelus’s face shun as a large smile formed on his face. This was the outcome he was hoping for but he didn’t actually expect it though he was glad Loke was alright with him being with his son. It certainly wouldn’t have stopped him if Loke told him no but at least he wouldn’t have to sneak around just to see his boyfriend. Without thinking Angelus lunged forward and gave Loke a tight hug.

“But,” Loke said as he pulled Angelus off him, “if you hurt ‘im I will fuck you up in ways you never thought were possible followed by a hell you don’t even wanna know. Whatever’s left of you I hand over to my fiancé to do with whatever he wants and I promise you, it’ll be uglier than anything I could do.”

While still smiling, Angelus hugged Loke again and in a cheerful voice said, “I’ll let that slide just this once because I know you mean well.”

“All right,” Loke chuckled as he put out the cigarette, put away the jug and cleaned up the bar, “You should get some sleep, I’ll check in on Jela and see if he wants to talk.”

“‘Night.”

“God natt.”

Loke made his way outside and quietly closed the door behind him. The night had grown colder so he closed his jacket and looked up to see the sky covered in thick clouds. He figured it might rain so staying outside might not be the best idea. He looked to the right side and saw the storage building and thought that he and Jelani could stay there and talk if he wanted to. Loke took a step forward but stopped when he noticed his fiancé walking down to the end of the dock where Jelani was still sitting. He did want to check in on him but seeing as how Uthorim was making his way to him Loke decided to sit back and wait. He took out his pack of cigarettes and sat on one of the benches that lined up alongside the main building. He lit a cigarette as he watched his soon to be husband and his son while smiling.

“Hey.” Uthorim cooed as he gently tapped Jelani’s shoulder with a warm sweet smelling tea.

Jelani looked up and saw Uthorim holding out the cup for him with one hand and holding another cup with his other hand. He gave him a weak smile, grabbed the cup and thanked him for it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Uthorim at the moment, it was that he didn’t want him to see him in his current state. However, part of him wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to get his perspective on several things though he wasn’t sure of how to bring it up or even if dumping that burden on him was even fair. Regardless he took a long sip from the tea.

“Mind if I sit?”

“Nei, go ahead.”

Uthorim sat next to Jelani and drank from the bottle while looking out at the view in front of them. The river was calm and quiet, not a single ripple broke the perfectly still water that reflected the clouds on the surface. There was a thin, and possibly radioactive, fog blanketing the shore of the river, the leaves on the trees all around them were swaying back and forth as the cold wind blew through the branches creating a lovely little harmony against the silence of the night. Further in the distance a thick fog covered the hills and mountains and the echo of thunder could be heard faintly. Uthorim took in the beauty of it all as he inhaled and momentarily closed his eyes as if he was trying to take a snapshot of the scenery before him.

When he opened his eyes he looked to his left and saw Jelani holding the bottle he’d given him and looking across the river as well. He enjoyed the fact that he could just sit down next to Jelani and be in each other’s company in total silence. He recalled many nights back in New Vegas where both of them would sit and watch the lights of The Strip flicker in the distance while eating dinner, drinking or indulging in sweets. Sometimes they’d spend hours without saying a single word and yet the bond they shared grew stronger. Uthorim enjoyed those nights and he looked forward to sharing many more like it but tonight was different. He’d purposely joined Jelani to check in on him. He knew something had upset him and he wanted to see if he could ease some of the inner turmoil he had or at the very least let him know he could talk to him in case he needed someone to just listen. Ever since he and Loke became romantically involved he and Jelani hit it off almost instantly and Uthorim found that Jelani often sought him out for advice or just to talk, somehow they could easily talk to each other and Uthorim appreciated that but what Uthorim didn’t know was that Jelani appreciated it far more than he could ever imagine. Sometimes talking to one’s parents wasn’t easy, even if they were as patient, loving and receptive as Loke was, there were still some things that were not so easy to discuss.

“We haven’t spoken much since your dad and I got here three weeks ago.”

“Ain’t got much to say, I guess.”

“You know, I’ve always appreciated that you and I could sit in absolute silence for hours. Physically we weren’t saying anything but I like to think that our spirits were somehow talking about anything and everything. From the most profound and thought provoking topics to the most idiotic shit you could think of. But I also appreciate that we could spend hours talking too, and we could talk about anything. From things happening in the world around us to how to hide from your dad whatever nonsense you, your boyfriend and your friends did.”

“Some stuff is just easier to talk to with you. You see and feel things differently, less neurotic and inwardly explosive if that makes sense.” Jelani said as he drank from the tea and continued looking across the river, focusing on a family of radstags that had shown up to the river to get a drink of water. He was purposely avoiding making eye contact with Uthorim because he knew the second that he’d look at him he would start to cry and he was tired of crying, it physically, mentally and emotionally drained him to have to resort to crying as much as he did.

“Yeah, it makes sense.”

Jelani swallowed hard as he felt the back of his eyes start to burn with that all too familiar sting. “Did Dad tell you what happened?”

The question itself was vague in nature but Uthorim perfectly understood what Jelani was asking him. He’d been preparing himself for this conversation, he’d come up with different ways to approach the delicate subject matter and to find ways to comfort him without flying into a rage should Jelani choose to talk to him about the attack. He had to be honest with himself, when Loke told him what happened to Jelani he wanted nothing more than to track down each of the monsters that had hurt him and put them through a hell so horrible that it would make life in the Wasteland look like a dream. Like Loke he wanted to be able to take back what had been done to him, he wanted to somehow turn back time and stop it from happening but the reality was that it did happen and while it would’ve been satisfying to kill the remaining seven assailants there was no way to track them down. What mattered the most right now was to make sure that Jelani would be able to heal past it and be there for him.

“He did. Sweetheart, I am so sorry that happened to you.”

“If I tell you something and I choose not to tell Dad will you keep it to yourself?”

“Of course.”

“After it…happened I just–I just…I don’t know, I didn’t feel right and all I wanted to do was sleep so after the doctor looked over me and after a hundred stitches I just went to sleep. At one point I woke up and Dad was sleeping next to me or at least I thought he was asleep. He wasn’t. He was crying so much he was gasping for air and in between his sobbing he was saying “I’m sorry” over and over and over…”

Jelani went silent as he recalled that memory. He was well aware that Loke blamed himself for what happened to him but what no one else knew, not even Angelus, was that he felt guilty for putting Loke through such an ordeal. It was irrational, he was aware of that, but Jelani felt that if he hadn’t provoked their ire they wouldn’t have returned to the camp and done what they did and Loke wouldn’t be torn by guilt. The sound of his crying still haunted him.

“I hate that he found me like that,” Jelani continued, “I think I hate it more than having been…you know. If they wanted to hurt me, fine, but Dad finding out it happened just feels worse and seeing what it did to him just feels so rancid to me. Just wish I would’ve been able to walk out of that basement myself that way he never would’ve found out what happened.”

“Jela, keeping something like that to yourself would’ve destroyed you.”

“Who says it didn’t? I thought I’d be able to get over it but a week after it happened I went to sleep and I woke up from a nightmare. Was pretty graphic and horribly detailed. I tried going back to sleep but it just continued. When I woke up I felt numb and weird all over, like I was in pain but I wasn’t. Then after that night I had a nightmare every single night. Then two weeks passed and I still had nightmares, didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do that day I just had nightmares and as time went on they got worse, it got to a point where I didn’t wanna fall asleep, I’d just lie there and stay awake. The less I slept the worse I felt but if I fell asleep the nightmares would just fuck me up so one morning before anyone else woke up I took a–” Jelani shuddered as he inhaled. He hadn’t noticed until that moment that he’d been crying but by then he didn’t care, not really. It was difficult to talk about what he wanted to. “I grabbed a bottle of Mentats from the doctor’s tent and swallowed the whole thing.”

“Doctor found me and she told me that she wouldn’t tell Dad what happened but I needed to. How the fuck was I supposed to look my dad in the eye and tell him I tried to kill myself because I kept having nightmares? Do you have any idea how fucking stupid that sounds?”

“It doesn’t sound stupid, not at all. What were the nightmares about?” There was no need for Jelani to elaborate on the type of nightmares he was having, he knew all too well what kind of nightmares had plagued and disturbed him, the timing between their beginning and the attack made perfect sense. He merely asked because he wanted Jelani to tell him himself, so he could have the chance to finally tell someone and dig it out of his chest.

“About that night, sometimes it was just after it happened and Dad never showed up and I’m just there dying or something. They got worse after that day I thought he died. A lot of times I can see him falling while I’m being–tch, can’t even say it without wanting to throw up.”

“It’s okay, hon.” Uthorim encouraged him, despite it being difficult to hear he wanted to be as supportive as he possibly could. He wasn’t exactly sure what to say at the moment but he wanted to hear him out first.

“Shit just got worse after I thought he died. I keep getting flashbacks of the attack and they feel so real, like it’s happening again and sometimes I can’t really tell if it’s really happening or if I’m just remembering it. I literally freeze when it happens and sometimes it takes me a while to realize it ain't actually happening. I still get nightmares, still get flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and still can’t stand it when strangers touch me. It’s like needles and a bad burning sensation flares up wherever someone touches me. At least it happens when it’s someone I don’t know or trust.”

“Yeah, it’s normal for that to happen after such a traumatic event. All of these things will go away as time passes. There’ll be setbacks, there’ll be days when it’ll feel like you’ve made no progress but you’ll get there, you’ll see. And you’re not alone in this, we’re here for you no matter what, anything you need you just let us know, okay?”

Jelani nodded as Uthorim wiped his tears away and lifted his face so he could see his face. Uthorim gave him a warm smile. It was painful to see him like that, he still remembered what he looked like when he first met him. An energetic and happy mischievous kid who followed him around everywhere he went when his father wasn’t around. A little fourteen-year-old who always ran up to him whenever he saw him. A far contrast to the eighteen-year-old sitting next to him and his heart sank knowing that he’d been attacked and felt so trapped by the memories of it that he felt he couldn’t even talk to his own dad about it and was having trouble talking to him about it. Him who he always ran to for advice and help whenever he felt he’d get into trouble and didn’t want to alarm Loke.

“I didn’t just try to kill myself once.” Jelani stuttered almost breathlessly. “Tried to kill myself three more times.”

Uthorim set his cup down, grabbed Jelani's and set it down and wrapped his arms around him embracing him in a tight hug.

“I couldn't stand the guilt.” Jelani gasped as he returned the hug and squeezed as hard as he could. Part of him was glad to finally be able to talk to Uthorim again but part of him was being eaten alive by that same guilt that drove him to try to take his own life. Everyone in his life had been exposed to the ugliness in his head and he felt it was unfair to them but at the same time he needed to let it out because he felt that if he kept it inside it would kill him. “I thought I killed Dad and I knew he felt guilty about what happened but it wasn't his fault–”

“There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, all right? Nothing. What was done to you was not your fault. You have no control over how people feel. You certainly did not kill your dad. Any father worth a damn would gladly give his life for his kids and that's what Loke did. He loves you so much that he would rather drown than let anything happen to you. I promise the nightmares will stop, the memories will be replaced by better ones, those voices in your head are wrong and they’ll go away. I promise you it’ll get better, you won't always feel like this. It’ll take time and work, there’ll be days when you feel better and days when you won't but it's okay. You’ve got me, Loke and Angelus and anytime you need to talk I’ll be right there to listen. Your dad too. He can handle a lot more than you think, sweetheart.”

“Okay.” Jelani shuddered as he fought back his tears. He read between the lines and weighed his options and while it scared him he trusted Uthorim, probably the most of all the people he currently knew, to never steer him wrong. He quietly watched as Uthorim stood up and picked up the cups they drank tea out of.

“Oh!” Uthorim said as he turned to look at Jelani. “And you have got to start eating again. I know you only take a few bites and give the rest to your boyfriend, Tea Leaf. Start slow, at least finish one whole meal a day. Promise?”

“Promise.” Jelani smiled meekly at Uthorim. It caught him off guard, there wasn’t much that made him genuinely smile nowadays but it came almost naturally to him at that moment. It was a small yet pleasant surprise to catch himself smiling. Uthorim smiled back at him but as soon as he turned to most likely get some sleep Jelani stood up and hugged him as soon as he caught up to him.

“Thanks, Dad.”

Uthorim smiled and returned the hug. He looked over at the main building and saw his soon to be husband sitting on a bench next to the building and smiling. Seeing his family back together brought Uthorim a type of joy that he couldn’t fully describe. He looked up at the window to the boys’s room and saw Angelus casually sticking his head out the window and smiling as he put out a cigarette on the wall. Uthorim still hadn’t had a chance to sit down and talk with him yet but he was glad to see Jelani had found someone just as protective as he and Loke were of him. They shared a smile before the ex-raider returned to his and Jelani’s room. Uthorim then walked over to Loke, whispered something in his ear, kissed him and walked back into the building. He had a feeling he’d be sleeping alone tonight but for once it was a good thing and if all went well his betrothed and his son would have finally sat down to talk.

As Loke watched Uthorim make his way to the second floor Jelani sat next to him, he was somewhat stiff and seemed anxious but he smiled at him and asked, “How long you been watching?” 

He knew Loke had watched him and Uthorim talking and by the calm look on his face he was sure he hadn’t heard anything that was said between them which was a bit of a relief.

“Since February 3, 2272.” Loke gave him a sly smile.

“You know what I mean.”

“Long enough, min skatt.”

“Kan vi snakke?” Jelani didn’t beat around the bush, he took Uthorim’s advice to heart and wanted to talk to his dad and finally let it all out. Well, almost all out. He was determined to talk but there was some information he was not going to divulge no matter how much Loke would ask. There were some truths that were better off buried deep within him for both of their sakes and sanity.

“Ja, selvfølgelig. Come on.”

For the sake of privacy both of them got up and headed for the makeshift tent placed on the rocks overlooking the river. It was usually occupied during the afternoons when the guards gathered and spent a while relaxing before or after their shifts. Loke knew it would be empty at that time so he thought it’d be a better place to talk than to stay on the bench which was close to the building where people were sleeping at that time, not to mention the subject matter would be a sensitive one and not for anyone else to hear. They sat between the tent and the fire. Neither of them said anything though the tension was building, Loke wanted so desperately to say something but he thought it was a better idea to let Jelani have the first word as he thought that if he said what he wanted to say it would derail the conversation and make it about him which he wasn’t looking to do. He wanted Jelani to express himself as freely as he wanted to. Loke reached for his pack of cigarettes and took one out and offered one to Jelani who, without hesitation, took one and quickly lit it. He then placed the pack between him and Jelani and waited, he’d wait all night if he had to.

“No one knows this.” Jelani began as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs. “Not Uth, not Angelus, no one. When we first joined the caravan and we stopped that night to sleep I couldn’t sleep so I just got up and went to smoke a few feet from the sleeping area. Couple of minutes later Chris sits next to me and asks to bum a cigarette off me. He did not hesitate. He asked me how old I was and I didn’t think nothing of it so I told him I was seventeen. The look on his face–that creepy as shit smile that formed literally made me sick. I don’t know, there was something about the way he smiled that creeped the fuck out of me. Shoulda gotten up and left but I didn’t. He then asked me if I was with anyone. I said I wasn’t anymore. Smile gets wider and creepier. Now it’s getting really uncomfortable so I put my cigarette out and get up to leave but he grabs my hand and pulls me back down and tells me to sit down, that we’re just talking.”

Jelani took a long drag from the cigarette and held it in for a few seconds before exhaling through his nose as he recalled the events. “I was this close to calling you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I have no idea why–well…honestly? Think I was kind of afraid. So I’m just sitting there and he keeps asking questions, typical small talk at first but then he asks if I was into boys or girls or both. I didn't answer, I just stayed quiet. Then he asked if I’d been fucked yet. Didn’t answer but I got up to leave and he grabbed me so I pushed him off but then he grabbed me, pulled me close to him and started feeling up under my shirt. I freaked out and I tried to pull away but he didn’t let go, he got closer and rubbed himself on me and said that one way or another he was gonna get what he wanted while he grabbed some of my hair and sniffed it. He finally let go so I left.” As Jelani recalled that memory he looked disgusted and angry. He completely avoided looking at Loke but his expression was turning angrier until suddenly he furrowed his brow and as his eyes turned from side to side as if searching his memories he let out a shaky shudder.

Loke on the other hand was beyond angry, not at Jelani, but at the fact that something like that happened when he was asleep a few feet away. Ever since Jelani was a toddler and he lost both parents he had a hard time falling and staying asleep. Any little sound would wake him up, sometimes he wouldn’t exactly sleep through the night, he’d take three or four hour naps, wake up, check up on Jelani or Uthorim and just sit and watch the time pass until he fell back asleep for another three or four hours. Why didn’t he wake up when Jelani needed him is something that’ll haunt him for the rest of his life. Loke also had a few questions but he wanted to tread carefully around them so as to not upset him anymore than he already was. He swallowed hard and turned to look at Jelani who was avoiding eye contact with him. He almost collapsed right then and there. Jelani had the exact same look on his face from when he was a little boy and knew he was in trouble for disobeying or doing something he shouldn’t have done and it broke Loke’s heart into a million pieces.

“Why were you afraid to tell me what happened?”

The answer was simple: Loke’s temper. For as long as he could remember Loke was jealously overprotective of Jelani. If anyone or anything wronged him Loke would go into an almost feral state, shoot first and maybe ask questions later. When Iain shot and almost killed Jelani he thought he’d arm himself to the teeth and set fire to the NCR in the area until he would find her and slowly kill her. However, he was pleasantly surprised to hear that Loke had shown some restraint and had gone to the NCR and although he demanded they do something about Iain in a less than calm manner he was at least glad he didn’t take things into his own hands. The truth was that he was planning something that entire time but it had backfired when Iain went into hiding among NCR outposts. It was only by pure happenstance that they’d run into her that time and Loke took his chance to pay her back for what she did to Jelani. Despite Jelani asking him to let it go, Loke still let his anger and overprotectiveness get the better of him and he killed her. Jelani never has and never will blame Loke for being the reason they had to run from New Vegas but part of him wished Loke hadn’t killed Iain. He could only imagine what would’ve happened if Jelani had told Loke what happened that night with Chris. He was well aware that it would’ve been eight well armed, unhinged men against Loke and no matter how good he is with a gun he wouldn’t have survived and Jelani didn’t want to lose him. He remembered Loke’s question and for the sake of sparing Loke any more guilt he simply said, “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Babe, you know you can always talk to me. You know that, right?”

“I know, Dad, I know and I do but the way he asked if I’d been fucked yet was just…I didn’t answer his question because he was creeping me out and honestly what I do with someone else is my business.”

“That’s very true.”

“But I hadn’t yet.”

Loke slightly tilted his head and tentatively said as a horrible realization dawned on him, “I thought you did. I mean, I always assumed you and AJ had.”

“I wanted to but I didn’t think I was ready then.” Jelani inhaled the last of his cigarette and put it out on the floor and tossed it as far from him as he could. He kept the smoke in his lungs as long as he could while he looked at the river below them. When he exhaled he shuddered at the words that were lingering on the tip of his tongue. He turned to look at Loke, tears were already forming on the corner of his eyes and with a shaky voice he said, “No, my first time was when I was gang raped by Chris and his crew.”

Without hesitating Loke tossed his cigarette, grabbed Jelani and hugged him as tight as he could. He felt like someone had punched him on his chest and all the air in his lungs had been forced out and he couldn’t catch his breath. He could feel his eyes burning as tears fell from them. He wrapped one arm around Jelani’s neck and tightly clasped the other on Jelani’s jacket and tried to stop himself from crying though he couldn’t help it. He gasped when he felt Jelani wrap his arms around him and rest his head on his shoulder.

“It was bad, it was really bad.” Jelani wept as he hid his face and tightly grasped Loke’s jacket while grinding his teeth together to avoid crying any louder than he already was. “It was worse when Chris had his turn. I wanted him to kill me but he didn’t.”

Loke felt a type of rage he’d never experienced before in his life. It was far more explosive than the rage he felt when Iain shot Jelani and even more than that morning when the caravan doctor listed all of the injuries he’d sustained during the assault. The fact that Jelani had wished Chris would’ve killed him made him so enraged that he was starting to tremble and cry but then he remembered what the caravan doctor had told him. She told him that if Jelani ever felt like telling him what had happened that night that he should keep his emotions in check so as to not derail the conversation or make Jelani uncomfortable. Loke’s only job in that moment was just to listen and try his best to console him as best he could though he was at a loss for words. What could he say to him that hadn’t already been said? There were no magic words that could make him instantly forget it happened, there was nothing Loke could say that could take back what had been done to Jelani, there were no words to help him ease the pain and hurt he was feeling. There was nothing he could do.

“Baby, I am so sorry.” It was all Loke could conjure in that moment. He wanted to say so much more but he didn’t want to derail the conversation and turn it about himself, this was for Jelani to let it all out and to get it out of his system. He was aware that he’d spoken to Angelus and he was more than sure he told Uthorim some things but the fact that Jelani himself asked to speak with him let him know he still had some things to say.

“Jeg er også lei meg.”

Shocked by what Jelani said Loke backed away to look at Jelani, his mouth hung slightly open and his expression was one of shock morphing into despair. Both of their teary eyes searched each other and as more tears fell down Loke’s cheeks he said, “What do you mean you’re sorry too? Sweetheart, none of this is your fault.”

“The sedative the doctor gave me wore off and when I woke up you were next to me and you were crying and saying you were sorry. I know you feel guilty about what happened and–”

“I do, I’m not gonna lie to you, that guilt has been eating me up inside since that morning and it’s gonna be in me until the day I die. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you, my whole life I’ve made sure to keep you safe and I failed you in the worst way possible but I swear I will do everything I can to make sure I never fail you again.”

“Dad, you haven’t failed me. You never have. I’ve seen you starve yourself so that I wouldn’t. You made sure I had enough blankets so I could sleep comfortably while you froze at night. You went weeks sick as a dog because you saved up every stimpak in case I got sick. I was right there when some psycho pulled a gun on us and you put yourself in front of me and told that bitch to keep the gun on you and not me. So don’t tell me you failed me because you’ve never failed me. Not once in your life.”

“I’m sorry, hon…it’s just how I feel. You’re my son, I’ve been taking care of you since you were born and ever since I practically adopted you I promised Mom and Dad that I’d never let anything happen to you and it feels like I’ve failed you. No matter how much I try I feel like I haven’t done enough. I see how this shit’s affected you and I wish I could switch places with you just so you never have to know that kind of anguish or pain.”

“I wouldn’t wish this on anyone; I’m sorry it’s bleeding all over you, Dad.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Jela, nothing that has happened was your fault. I know everyone keeps telling you that but it’s true. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

“I almost got you killed.” Jelani whispered as he lowered his head and continued to cry.

“You didn’t. Jela?” Loke gently raised Jelani’s face by the chin so that he could look him in the eye. Seeing Jelani cry always made Loke cry, especially now that he was feeling guilty over things he had no control over. “There was no way you could’ve known there was a deathclaw there. For all we know the route I picked had a behemoth in it or worse. That wasn’t on you.”

“You could’ve died…”

“But I didn’t and honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. If I have to do it again or a hundred more times I will.”

“I can’t go through that again…it almost killed me…”

“You’re a lot stronger than you think you are, min skatt.”

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your own dad fall to his death because of a decision you made? To carry that guilt with you every single day? To wish that you had just let me die with you? To know you died feeling guilty over what happened to me? Part of why I haven’t talked to you about that night is because I know that if I tell you more than you already know it will make you feel worse. I can’t do that to you! It’s bad enough that you know it happened but if I give you details it’ll make that guilt worse and it’ll make mine worse. I’d rather be raped again than to do that to you! When I thought I lost you…it made all of that shit so much worse. I thought it was over that morning when I woke up back at the camp but it wasn’t. Not only did I have to live through the rape and the injuries but now I was having nightmares about it. I wanted to just forget it happened but every single fucking night I fell asleep and I had to relive it. When it wasn’t a nightmare I would just suddenly remember it and it would play again in my head and it sometimes feels so fucking real it’s like it’s happening again. After the deathclaw attack those sick memories and nightmares were accompanied by your death and it was like being attacked on every side. Sometimes I’d get up in the middle of the night from a nightmare of that night and I’d actually get up to look for you and it’d take me a while to remember that you weren’t there. I was all alone with only the memories of being raped and watching you fall to your death replaying in my head all day everyday! Ever since that night I’ve had this sick feeling inside and with time it got more and more painful and I looked for every possible way to kill it but everything I did was just a temporary relief. Alcohol, Calmex, Med-X? They only worked for a little bit. Then I realized that the sick and painful feeling was guilt. I hate it but I love it at the same time, I hate it because it hurts so much but that’s why I love it because I deserve it for killing you and for letting you find me beaten and raped in some fucking basement and making you carry that guilt when it wasn’t even your fault. Nothing helped shut out the voices, the memories, the thoughts, the pain or the guilt and…it got to me…more than once…”

Jelani was visibly shaking, his face was contorting into different emotions ranging from anger to unfathomable sadness and most of all guilt. His eyes had turned red and puffy from the crying, matching Loke’s own red and puffy eyes. He gasped and shuddered breathlessly as he rolled up the sleeves of his jacket while looking directly at Loke. He felt a mixture of emotions about what he was about to do. On the one hand he wasn’t sure how Loke would react to what he was about to see, on the other it made him panic as he never let anyone see him without either a jacket, coat or a long sleeved shirt. It didn’t matter if it was cold, warm or hot outside he didn’t let anyone see his arms, part of it was shame and the other was that it would often invite people to ask him about it and it was not something he liked to even acknowledge let alone explain to other people. When both sleeves were rolled up to his elbows he kept them close to his body as if unsure if he should do what he was about to do. He kept looking at Loke and that old guilt reared its ugly head again, he didn’t know if Loke would be angry, sad, disgusted or even if he would react at all. Part of him felt terrible about what he was about to do because there was a strong chance that he might feel even more guilt and that was not what Jelani wanted to do, he wanted to be honest with him, let him know how he felt and what had been going on with him for those long months they were apart. He sure as hell wasn’t going to go into detail about that night, he was dead set on it, but he knew Loke needed to be let in on something with him as a way to allow him to feel like he could fix it somehow. He figured what was causing Loke the guilt and the pain was not being able to help Jelani with what had happened that night, he wasn’t able to stop it from happening but at least he wanted to help him through it and in a way it would help him with his own guilt and shame.

It had to be done for both of them. Jelani slowly dropped his arms and let them hang with his inner forearms facing outwards. He clenched his jaw tightly to ground himself as best he could in anticipation of Loke's reaction.

Loke didn’t say anything, he just looked at his arms and tried his hardest to contain himself. There were dozens of scars across both arms, some were small while others were large, some appeared superficial but there were others that looked deep as if Jelani had pressed down as hard as he could with whatever he used to injure himself with. Loke kept staring at his arms, his face was hard to read but the more he stared the harder he was breathing. Loke felt like he couldn’t breathe, as if his lungs couldn’t expand enough to get the air he needed. He slowly lifted his left hand and gently gripped Jelani’s right arm by the back of his hand and pulled it closer to him to get a better look. With his other hand he gently traced over the scars on his arm with his fingers and when he reached his wrist he couldn’t help but cry and gasp. A large scar ran down his arm starting from his wrist to about half way up his forearm, the same type of scar was present on his other arm. Loke was gasping for air as tears ran down his face. He grabbed his other arm and with both thumbs slowly and carefully traced the scars on his wrists as he stared at them.

“That wasn’t the only time I tried to kill myself…” Jelani whispered as he kept his head down, he was unable to look Loke in the eye now that he saw and knew what he’d done to himself. He lifted his head but looked to the side and lowered the collar he had around his neck to reveal an older scar on his neck, specifically over the jugular. It wasn’t as deep as the ones on his wrists but it scared the living hell out of Loke regardless. His jaw quivered as he let out a whimper and lifted his trembling hand up to Jelani’s neck and softly caressed the scar.

“When I made it to Boston I was–I don’t know, I was–I put a gun to my head and I was about to pull the trigger but then I saw Dagny and I couldn’t abandon her. Some time later I had a melt down and I punched a mirror until my hand bled and I didn’t know what I was feeling, I think I was feeling everything and it was just overwhelming so I just fired into the wall in front of me but stopped when I was sure I had only one bullet left. I left Dagny in another room so she wouldn’t distract me and I put the gun to my head and this time I pulled the trigger but I guess I miscounted ‘cause the clip was empty. I just stood there pulling the trigger hoping it was a misfire and that it would eventually work but it was empty. The last time was when I was staying here with Angelus. He tried to keep me busy and distracted but it felt like the guilt was strangling me and I couldn’t breathe. No matter what I did I couldn’t stop feeling guilty. The nightmares, the voices, the memories, the…intrusive thoughts–none of it would stop. Got up in the middle of the night and just walked along the river till I was about a mile away from the settlement, cut open my wrists and just watched the sunrise. I didn’t wanna be here anymore, not without you–”

Loke lounged forward and wrapped both arms around Jelani and hugged him as tight and as hard as he could. He could no longer contain himself and broke down into almost hysterical sobbing. Every word out of Jelani’s mouth broke his heart in a way he never thought could be possible, never could he imagine that Jelani would ever feel so much pain that he would resort to suicide and the worst part was that he wasn’t there to help him or at the very least be there for him.

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me, min skatt, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“No!” Loke sobbed. He pulled back and grabbed Jelani’s face with both hands and stared at him as tears ran down his face. “None of this is on you, hon, there’s no need to say you’re sorry. I did what I did because you’re my son and I love you and I never wanna see you get hurt. If I have to, I'll give my life for you. I don’t ever wanna leave you but if I have to for you to survive then I will. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that at all, alright?”

“And you don’t have to feel guilty about what happened to me. What I need is you here with me…” Jelani began to sob as he gently pressed his forehead against Loke’s and cried out, “I can’t do this alone!”

“You’re not alone, sweetheart.”

Loke hugged Jelani once more and both cried in each other’s arms. There was a lot of guilt between them and whether it was justified or not neither of them were sure of it anymore but at least they let each other know how the other felt. It hadn’t been easy hearing Jelani tell him about his suicide attempts and for a while, in his head, he kept thanking the universe over and over again that he managed to survive each time. Had he made it to Boston only to find out that his kid had died by his own hand, Loke wasn’t sure he’d be able to go on any farther, even with Uthorim by his side, he was sure the grief alone would kill him. He was also sure that the guilt he felt for not protecting Jelani from a group of predators and then leaving him by himself for months when he hadn’t had the chance to heal from the rape would leave him any time soon. In fact, he was sure he’d carry it with him for the rest of his life and while he regrets not protecting him he didn’t regret sacrificing himself so that Jelani could live. That was something he would never take back. He didn’t expect Jelani to understand or even accept it now or maybe even never but in his heart he knew he did what he had to do. Eventually both stopped crying as the night went on and sometime before dawn both fell asleep on each other, the tent was comfortable enough but the emotional and mental exhaustion had gotten to both of them and both slept out there, not wanting to leave each other’s side Loke sat against a tree for support while Jelani leaned on his side as Loke loosely draped his arms around him.

Around noon Uthorim quietly made his way up to the tent and found both of them asleep and snuggled together. He carefully made his way inside and looked at them for a few minutes, all the while a smile formed on his face while looking at both of them. He then carefully reached out and moved a few stray strands of hair out of Loke’s face and tucked them behind his ear. The slight movement caused Loke to open his eyes and as soon as he did he smiled when he saw Uthorim kneeling in front of him and smiling back at him.

“Hi.” Loke whispered.

“Hi.” Uthorim replied as he tilted his head. “You okay?”

“I will be.”

“What about him?”

Loke looked down and saw Jelani was still asleep in his arms. There was something comforting about seeing his chest rising and falling while he slept, especially after everything they talked about the night before.

“I don’t know but he’ll get there.”

“I take it you were both able to talk it out?”

“Not about that night but he told me everything else.”

“It was brave, doing what he did last night. Couldn’t have been easy for him.”

“Yeah, but he’s a lot stronger than he thinks he is. I think we’ve done a good job with him.”

“We have.”

Loke and Uthorim looked at each other softly and smiled. Uthorim reached out and held Loke’s hand while gently rubbing his thumb on his hand and just staring at each other lovingly. Of course, the moment didn’t last too long as Angelus quietly walked into the tent and was about to say something when he noticed Jelani was still asleep and it looked like he’d walked in on something a little intimate.

“Oh, sorry.” He whispered as he began to back away.

“It’s okay.” Loke said as he smiled. Jelani hadn’t confirmed it last night but Loke was more than sure that Angelus had had a hand in helping Jelani when he needed help the most. He made a mental note to ask him about it later but for now he’d earned his trust given that he practically saved Jelani’s life on more than one occasion.

“Uth and I made lunch, figured you boys were gonna be hungry after a long night. Can I?” He asked as he pointed at Jelani.

Loke nodded with a smile and Angelus slowly crawled over to Jelani. He sat close to him and very carefully placed a hand on Jelani’s head and with his fingers gently scratched the back of his head as he called out to him with a hum. It wasn’t long before Jelani began to slowly open his eyes and once he grounded himself he was surprised to see both Uthorim and Angelus staring and smiling at him. That much attention on him made him feel a little vulnerable and his first reaction was to lean closer to Loke who couldn’t help but giggle as he hugged him.

“Hi, sugar, you okay?” Angelus asked as he continued to scratch the back of his head.

Jelani looked up at him and nodded sheepishly. He then looked at Uthorim to acknowledge his presence as well.

“C’mon, Uth and I made lunch. And don’t say you’re not hungry, you’re too skinny to be saying you ain’t hungry.”

Angelus grabbed his hand and carefully pulled him up to stand. He was feeling out of sorts after such an emotionally charged night and was silent but Angelus knew how to navigate around him when he was in that state without forcing him to “come out of his shell”. He’d let him come around when he was ready and not a moment sooner. He did however want him to eat something as he was prone to starving himself when he wasn’t doing too good. Angelus led him out of the tent but before he was out of sight he turned to look at Loke who in turn looked at him and said, “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Jelani said in a whisper and then let Angelus lead him to the main building as he held his hand.

Uthorim smiled and reached out to Loke with both hands. In turn he smiled up at him and grabbed both hands and with Uthorim’s help he stood up. Loke hugged him and both stayed still and embraced each other for a few minutes. Something about Uthorim always made Loke feel safe and secure but also confident and energized, this time was no different. After a few minutes they looked at each other, smiled and walked out of the tent while holding hands to catch up with the boys and have lunch together and for the first time in months there was less pressure in the air and a little bit of comfort.

#001022 #Oracle Corp AU: Fallout #Fallout #fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #fo: Loke tag #Uthorim #friend's oc

[callsignbaphomet]

Tiny things the boys do when Uthorim isn't feeling his best:

Loke takes him to the more wooded areas where plant life has recovered and they take a nice walk to clear Uth's mind.

Jelani sits Uth in a corner of where Uth keeps his plants and organizes them by name, color and texture while he intently listens to Uthorim just unload.

Angelus takes Uth with him so both can go play with Dagny, Ayo and Bloodfang. Mostly wrestling, fetch, and hide and seek. The five of them get plenty of exercise and gives Uth an outlet.

Loke, Jelani and Angelus take Uth hunting and fishing. It's fun, gives Uth an outlet, and it helps to replenish the food pantry, get some slight practice and it makes for some good bonding.

Angelus invites Uth over to draw. He may not be able to read or write but he sure as shit can draw some pretty epic sketches that look like actual photographs.

Jelani takes Uth with him to bathe and groom Dagny, Ayo and Bloodfang. After that he does the same for any pets in the settlement as well as the brahmin. He even treats small injuries and talks Uth's ear off about animal facts like the dumb little nerd he is.

Loke spoils Uth with his favorite meals, treats and teas (that Jela makes bc Lo doesn't know how to make tea) and gives Uth a massage. Either in silence or if he wants to talk he'll listen.

Loke, Jela and Angelus grab Uth and the dogs, grab some stuff and head on over to the tiny campsite in the woods where they spend the rest day eating snacks, drinking Nuka and at night they puppy pile on Uth and sleep all night.

#Uthorim #fo: Loke tag #fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #friend's oc

[callsignbaphomet]

Short #2

⊹˙⋆ Short #1 ⋆˙⊹ ↳ *Link to google Doc* ༉‧₊˚✧ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁ Trigger warnings: alcohol, drugs/chems, self-harming, rape [mentioned], suicide attempt, suicide mention, intrusive thoughts [mentioned], firearms, sexual content

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

They’d been looking forward to this day for weeks, when word got out that The Combat Zone had reopened Angelus and several of his friends had made plans to visit the place as soon as they were able to. They’d grown tired of the gauntlet. Sure, at first it was fun watching Colter kill victim after victim and Angelus would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy watching Colter’s victims panic once they realized Colter’s power armor was rigged and the fight was next to impossible to win, but that was the problem, he was tired of watching Colter fight. He wanted to do the fighting himself. He and several other raiders were hoping to get the chance to star as the final boss of the gauntlet, to test their mettle against those tough enough to make it to the end. They’d also grown tired of Colter dedicating so much time to the gauntlet instead of clearing out and taking over the rest of the park as he promised he’d do when he was appointed as the overboss. As time went on less and less people attended Colter’s show, which had become formulaic, predictable and downright boring, not to mention his favor was fading each day that the rest of the park remained unclaimed.

The Combat Zone was the outlet they so desperately needed. The joint provided drinks, drugs, the chance to fight if you so chose to and you could even make a decent amount of caps if you played your cards right. However, several months back a vault dweller, or so the rumors went, massacred everyone in the building and left Tommy, the Combat Zone host, without his prized fighter and his audience. Apparently Tommy had taken to adding kidnapped settlers from all over Boston to “participate” in the cage fights and the Minutemen had had enough so this vault dweller was hired to clean up the building and rescue the people that had been kidnapped as entertainment. Now six months later Tommy had cleaned up the building and hired security that was made up of ex-Minutemen, ex-Gunners, and ex-mercenaries. He even bought automatrons from local Rust Devils. Tommy had renovated the Combat Zone and the rules. No one, except for Tommy and certain people, was allowed into the Combat Zone with weapons. If security thought someone was too inebriated and was a risk they were quickly thrown out. Everyone within the cage had to be in there willingly. No matter where the raiders inside the Combat Zone had come from, Nuka World, Commonwealth or outside they all had to put their differences aside if they wanted to stay and enjoy the luxuries that the Combat Zone offered. Fights between raiders or between anyone else was prohibited. As unlikely as it sounded the Combat Zone was neutral ground and anyone that broke that rule was blacklisted from ever being permitted back in. Tommy wanted to avoid getting attention from the wrong crowds especially with Brotherhood of Steel survivors lurking about and the Minutemen had grown stronger now that they rebuilt and had a general once again. Speaking of Minutemen and the Brotherhood of Steel, neither of them were allowed inside the building for more than obvious reasons.

Most raiders didn’t take too kindly to the new rules and the heavy security but those that didn’t mind got to enjoy the new Combat Zone and Angelus and the others were itching to get inside, they’d been waiting for months. As the group got around the corner they saw the new security Tommy had hired. Not only did they look like they’d have no problem putting a bullet through someone’s head but the hardware they were carrying and the gear they wore meant they were serious and ready for anything. Tommy really did outdo himself, who could blame him? He set out to protect his investment and wanted to prevent another massacre that would leave him without the caps he was used to. The group kept their heads down as they made their way towards the front doors and just as one of them was about to reach for the handle both doors burst open and someone quickly rushed out and pushed through the group knocking one of them to the ground.

“Watch where the fuck you’re going, asshole!” The raider yelled as he quickly got back up and kept staring as the figure continued to make their way across the alley.

“Leave it,” one of the girls said as she grabbed the raider’s hands and gently pulled him towards the doors, “I think it’s best if we don’t upset these guys.” She said as she looked up at the guards who were looking at them.

The raider huffed loudly and went into the Combat Zone. The girl then turned to see Angelus staring at the person who had just walked out of the Combat Zone and urged him to leave them be. She reminded him they’d come a long way to get to the CZ as they liked to refer to it and causing trouble wasn’t worth it.

“Don’t worry, I’ll catch up with you guys.”

“Malakhov…”

“Go on ahead, darlin’. I just…I think I know that guy.”

“Suit yourself.” The raider said as she shrugged and walked into the Combat Zone. She was not about to ruin her trip by going after Angelus. None of them were.

Angelus waited until the group was inside the building and then he walked in the direction the other guy had gone. He was sure he knew who he was and if that was the case he didn’t like the look on his face. He normally wouldn’t care but given their last interaction it was safe to say that he might’ve been in trouble or something had gone wrong in the Combat Zone. As Angelus made his way around the corner he saw him leaning into an old dumpster and heard him vomiting into it. After he was done Angelus could make out some faint whimpering and as he began to approach him he managed to confirm his suspicions, it was that mercenary that had helped him out some time ago when some settlers had jumped him. He wasn’t about to forget his face especially after that night when he tried to repay him the best way he knew how and found he had a panic attack when Angelus grabbed his hips. Ever since that night he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He figured there was something wrong with him but he wasn’t sure of what exactly was wrong with him. Yes, it was true that Angelus was almost instantly attracted to him but there was something behind those oddly pale blue eyes that made him stop for a moment and analyze everything. He seemed sad but not in the way you’d be sad if you dropped a bottle of your favorite vodka, this felt much deeper than that and normally Angelus wouldn’t care but he found himself oddly intrigued and moved by him. He’d never seen that kind of sadness before, it almost felt cold.

“Hey,” Angelus called out, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine!”

It was him for sure. He had a strange accent Angelus had never heard before and even sprinkled in words in some other language when he spoke, especially towards his weird dog. He even remembered his name: Jelani. It was odd, Angelus was terrible at remembering faces and names and yet this one guy he’d only ever seen twice was burned in the back of his head as if he’d known him for years.

Angelus watched as Jelani quickly walked towards one of the buildings at the end of that alleyway and shut the door behind him. Something in the pit of his stomach told Angelus to go after him, he normally wasn’t one to comfort other people, he had no skills in that area, but he felt he needed to follow him though he knew he had to be careful just in case his presence was not wanted. He slowly made his way towards the building and opened the door only to find Jelani’s dog standing on her hind legs scratching at the door that led to the actual building. Dagny stopped scratching at the door and stared at Angelus. Both froze in place as they stared at each other, Dagny stared as she remembered Angelus and recognized his scent, Angelus froze because he wasn’t sure how the weird dog would react to him entering the garage. He remembered how swift and deadly she’d been when Jelani ordered her to attack those settlers, as both snuck up Jelani didn’t even need to say anything, he simply signaled to her and she perfectly understood what it was that he wanted her to do. Angelus was both frightened and impressed. He cautiously stuck his left hand out as he closed the door while simultaneously kneeling down to make himself smaller to avoid alarming her.

“Hi,” he said with a breathy tone that tried desperately to hide his nervousness, “remember me?”

Dagny flicked her forked tongue out towards Angelus as her ears perked up and pointed forward. She turned her body towards him and stood tall and stiff yet she seemed relaxed. The little night stalker slowly made her way towards Angelus who remained perfectly still and focused his attention on her body language in case there was a sudden change. As she reached his hand she licked his palm and as soon as Angelus saw her tail wagging and noticed she was making direct eye contact he exhaled and slowly moved his hand towards the top of her head, she moved closer so that her head and his hand made contact and Angelus gently scratched her while smiling. Dagny’s tail wagging intensified and Angelus began to scratch her with both hands.

“Oh, you do remember me!” He chirped as he lessened the tension in his body and pet Dagny in a more relaxed manner. He noticed the red bandana loosely tied around her neck, the bright red stood out perfectly against her cream fur color and her brown and tan scales. He laughed as he fixed her bandana and said, “You look gorgeous with that bandana; color really goes good with your fur and scale colors, sweet pea.”

Dagny sat in front of Angelus with her mouth open and her tail moving quickly from side to side. You’d swear the little night stalker understood that Angelus was paying her a compliment and acted accordingly. As the raider and the night stalker reacquainted themselves with each other their interaction was suddenly cut short by the sound of gunshots coming from within the building. Angelus quickly stood up and opened the door to the building. The inside was a dusty mess, it looked like the last time there was any movement within the apartment was before the bombs fell. Dust and grime covered every surface of the apartment but he noticed several boot prints that led up the stairs and into the second floor of the apartment. He turned to Dagny and signaled her to follow him which she did without hesitation. Both slowly made their way to the second floor, Angelus wasn’t sure where the gunshots had come from but he figured it was best to follow the boot prints on the floor. They led to what was once the master bedroom. Angelus slowly peeked inside as he kept his hand on the handle of the knife he carried with him and found Jelani standing in the middle of the bedroom facing away from the door. Jelani was pressing a handgun to the side of his head and was pulling on the trigger though fortunately it seemed that the clip was empty yet he continued to pull on the trigger. Angelus quietly stepped into the bedroom as he looked around in case there was someone else in the room with them and carefully made his way towards Jelani, he had no idea what to say to him much less what to do so he went with his instinct. He stood in front of him and looked him over for any injuries, that’s when Angelus noticed Jelani’s right hand was profusely bleeding. He looked up at Jelani and saw that he’d been crying and it seemed like he’d been crying for a while now as his eyes were very red and puffy.

“Gimme the gun.” Angelus quietly said as he reached for the gun and took it off Jelani’s hand. He didn’t protest or complain or tried to take it back, he merely stood there crying. Angelus put the gun in his pocket and went to grab an old chair and dragged it behind Jelani. He sat him down on the chair and noticed that Jelani’s backpack was next to the door so he went over to it and searched for something to clean up his wounds, he found a bottle of water and another red bandana whose colors seemed to have faded with time. As he stood back up Angelus noticed that on the wall was a broken mirror that had blood on it, fresh blood, he put two and two together and figured Jelani had punched the mirror. Why? He had no idea but to him it seemed like he was just finding a way to hurt himself, made sense given the state he found him in. With the bottle of water and the bandana in hand he walked over to Jelani and sat on his knees in front of him. He reached out to clean his hand but remembered his reaction the last time he touched him and realized that maybe touch made him uncomfortable.

“Jay? Can you hear me?” Angelus asked as he looked into his eyes but the mercenary remained quiet and seemed to be staring right through him. “Is it okay if I touch your hand? To clean the wounds?”

Without blinking or saying anything Jelani slightly shrugged his shoulders and continued to look past the raider. Angelus gently grabbed Jelani’s hand and after soaking the bandana in water he carefully began to clean it, there were shards of glass embedded into his fingers and knuckles. Some cuts seemed superficial, others were a bit deeper, but there was a gash on his index finger running from the cuticle up to the last knuckle that looked really bad especially with so many little shards of glass in and around the gash. Angelus tried to carefully remove some of the shards though some of them were too small for his fingers to grasp, he needed a doctor and the sooner the better.

Dagny, who’d been standing at the door, walked over to Jelani. Her large ears were facing forward and her tail was stiff against her back legs, a stark contrast to how she looked not even ten minutes ago. She curled up around Jelani’s legs and rested her head against his thigh as she looked up at him. Jelani on the other hand completely ignored her. Angelus didn’t know him very well, in fact, he didn’t know him at all but the times he saw him he was very attentive and loving towards Dagny and to see him give her the cold shoulder felt rancid in so many ways he couldn’t exactly describe. Angelus took a second to pet Dagny with his clean hand and then returned to cleaning Jelani’s injured hand all the while trying to find out what happened that made him punch a mirror and press the barrel of a gun to his head.

“Did something happen in the Combat Zone?” He hadn’t meant to but there was a serious tone to his voice, like a protective parent asking a child if someone hurt them. As strange as the tone felt, he was determined to make things right if indeed someone within the Combat Zone had been responsible for Jelani’s current state.

“No.” Jelani answered in a monotone voice. Something did upset him but it wasn’t anyone’s fault, at least not anyone in the Combat Zone anyway. At the mention of the Combat Zone Jelani began to cry again as he remembered what he’d done or better said what he’d allowed someone to do to him. A wild whirlwind of emotions overcame him, mostly shame, embarrassment and anger wrapped up in yet another panic attack. He lowered his head and took deep breaths as he tried to stop himself from crying but it was a fruitless attempt, as the panic within him bubbled to the surface he lost control of himself and he began to cry. Without thinking Angelus wrapped both arms around Jelani and hugged him tightly as he gently shushed him.

“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” After a few minutes Jelani seemed to calm down a bit and Angelus, while still grasping Jelani’s arms, pulled away to get a look at him and whispered, “Do you wanna talk about it? Maybe talking about it will help you get it out of your system. Might make you feel better.”

“Nothing will ever make it okay.”

“You don’t know that–”

“I do!” Jelani suddenly yelled, there was no anger in his tone but Angelus was frightened nonetheless, mostly due to the volume. Jelani lowered his gaze and exhaled as he continued, this time with a whisper, he avoided making eye contact with Angelus as he began to cry again, “I know it’s really fucking stupid but…what scares me the most is that if I say it outloud to someone else it’ll mean it really happened.” Jelani’s voice cracked at the end.

Angelus got up and grabbed the other chair that was in the room and dragged it over to Jelani. He placed the chair in front of him and sat down facing Jelani who was still hanging his head low and crying. Angelus was at a loss, he genuinely wanted to help but he didn’t know how, he didn’t know what to say, mostly because he didn’t know what was wrong with Jelani. Most of what Angelus was telling him was what he’d heard others tell people as a way to comfort them, basically mimicking behavior he’d seen before as well as going with his own instinct. He was used to comforting others with physical touches and through sexual acts which would seem like a horrible idea at the moment, again remembering how Jelani reacted the last time he tried to show him his appreciation for helping him out. However, the more he looked at him and the more he cried the more desperate to comfort him Angelus grew.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Angelus asked.

Jelani actually nodded and Angelus slowly brought his hand up to his face to wipe the tears away but as soon as Angelus’s hand touched his face Jelani jumped and let out a whimper, the feeling of someone else touching him felt like hot needles poking at his skin which in turn caused him to start hyperventilating and his heart to race. He even felt like throwing up again. Angelus retracted his hand and frowned. He reassured him that he meant him no harm as he brought his hand up and gently placed his palm on Jelani’s cheek and with his thumb wiped away any and all stray tears. He was glad Jelani hadn’t jumped that second time but he still refused to look him in the eye so Angelus brought up his other hand, cupped his face in them and gently lifted his face so he could look at him.

“I don’t know what happened to you, hell, I don’t even know you but I sure as shit know that pretending that whatever bad thing happened to you didn’t really happen is not helping you. Pretending isn’t gonna make it go away.”

“It’s worked so far.” Jelani sniffled.

“You slammed your fist against a mirror until it broke and you busted your hand.” Angelus grabbed Jelani’s right hand and he looked down to see it, he hadn’t noticed the extent of the damage he’d done to himself. The gash on top of his index finger was still bleeding and even though Angelus managed to get some of the shards of glass out there were still a lot of them embedded into the cuts. Now that he’d seen the state of his hand he was starting to notice the pain. “When I walked in here,” Angelus continued, “you were pressing the barrel of a gun against your head and pulling the trigger repeatedly. You need to talk to someone because pretending is only gonna get you killed.”

Jelani looked at Angelus and said nothing, he was confused as to why some random raider would even care if he hurt himself let alone die by his own hand. He knew there was some truth to what he was saying but the thought of acknowledging what was done to him and owning up to the fact that someone died because of him made him sick to his stomach. He was constantly being reminded of the events that led to his current state through vivid nightmares and flashbacks that felt so real he sometimes swore it was happening all over again and he had to find a way to ground himself or else he feared he’d be lost in his own memories. He feared what talking about the events would do to him. He knew it was an irrational fear, there was no way that talking about it couldn’t be worse than what he had already been through yet he was still terrified of coming to terms with it all. He was afraid that it would make the nightmares, the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks worse and yet there was a part of him that yearned for the chance to find some type of release for all the anger and hurt he felt he was drowning in. A better release than the ones he currently used, which he was well aware would get him killed either intentionally or by accident.

He took a deep breath and swallowed hard before exhaling and closing his eyes. If he did this–if he talked about it there was no going back, one more person would know about that night and one more person would know he was a murderer.

“My um…my–my–” Jelani stuttered as he tried to find the courage to talk about what happened. He began to hyperventilate and cry as the words dangled on the tip of his tongue.

Angelus grabbed the bottle of water he’d used to soak the bandana and gave it to Jelani so he could clear his throat and have something to center himself with. He knew what he was trying to do wasn’t easy and he wanted to be supportive and help him in whatever way he could.

“It’s okay, take your time.”

“Do you…uh…remember that night you stayed over?”

“Yes.”

“Problem wasn’t you, it’s me. Months ago my dad and I joined up with a caravan that was coming out of New Vegas. They’d hired some people as muscle but they weren’t working out, they scared most of the people in the caravan and were almost always drunk and high. One night they got very drunk and decided to grab their guns and started shooting up into the sky and the trees. I noticed some of the kids were trying to hide because they were scared and some of the adults were worried about where the bullets were gonna land and that all that noise would bring unwanted attention. I don’t know, it just pissed me off to see the kids so scared so I went over to them and told them to fuck off with that shit and they looked like they wanted a fight after I said that but my dad, caravan lead and some of the other adults backed me up so they stopped. Next day the caravan lead came to my dad and I and hired us as security and got rid of those other guys. They tossed around some threats and shit but they left. Couple of days later we made camp early–it was one of the kid's birthday so the lead wanted to celebrate it. I drank a lot and I woke up in the middle of the night to piss and as I was going back to camp someone grabbed me from behind. I struggled as much as I could but someone hit me on the back of the head and I was out.”

Jelani took another swig from the bottle of water and cleared his throat. He recalled the caravan doctor had asked him what happened but he didn’t want to talk about it so instead of saying that he said he didn’t remember anything, but the truth was that he remembered every little detail, every sound, every word out of each of their mouths, every sensation, every bit of the pain he was subjected to, and each one still haunted him even months later.

“When I came to, I was on the floor of some basement, my hands were tied behind my back and I was gagged. All eight of them were circling me. They didn’t waste any time, they started to beat the shit out of me and they were at it for a long time but then one of them said they had another idea…” He paused for a minute as he recalled the event, every sound replayed in his head and he could swear he could smell the whiskey they’d been drinking as they beat him. Christian had drunk more than the rest, the smell of whiskey was strongest on him. Jelani stared through Angelus while searching for a way to say the next part out loud. He’d said it so many times before but it was always in his head where no one else could hear it. Where no one else would know what had been done to him.

“They spent the rest of the night…” Jelani said as his voice trembled and tears ran down his face. “They raped me, all eight of ‘em, some more than once. Some didn’t wanna wait their turn so they shoved their dicks covered in my blood in my mouth until I couldn’t breathe. At one point I passed out but I woke up to one of them finishing inside me, eventually they all did. One of them didn’t wanna do it because I was just seventeen but they threatened him to do it or else they’d shoot him. He went slow and told me he wouldn’t cum in me but he still did it anyway. I think the worst part was that he told me he was sorry after he was done with me.”

As he recounted the events he recalled the smell and taste of blood, his own blood, he felt betrayed as his own body remembered the pain and the smell of whiskey that was forever etched into the back of his throat and nose that was beginning to make him sick. He felt Dagny move at his feet and remembered seeing her tied up to a pipe in the basement and the strangest part was how he focused on her and hoped against hope that the rope keeping her tied to the pipe wouldn’t break. No matter how well trained she was it was eight men against one little night stalker whose mouth had been taped shut. She wouldn’t stand a chance and he knew it. Every time he screamed out in pain she thrashed and pulled and every time she did he was afraid she’d get loose and they’d kill her for trying to protect him.

Angelus was horrified, never would he have imagined that what he’d gone through was so terrible. He wanted to hug him and tell him a million different things that would’ve done nothing to ease Jelani’s pain but it would’ve at least let him know that he was there for him, that he recognized his pain and in some weird way ease the fact that he was hearing it all. Not that he was complaining about that, he asked him to tell him and volunteered to listen to him and was aware that it could’ve been anything and he was prepared for that but the way Jelani’s voice cracked as he recalled the events and the tears sliding down his face along with the look in his eyes was unsettling. Angelus put one of his hands on Jelani’s knee, at the feeling of his hand Jelani jumped though he continued to look past Angelus as if Jelani was back in that basement.

“Guy that went last? Chris was a creep, the second Dad and I joined up with the caravan he wasted no time and started asking how old I was. Told him I was seventeen and the smile he gave me creeped me the fuck out, felt like prey. Didn’t stop him from flirting and finding ways of putting his hands on me, guy’s in his early fifties and he’s going around making all these gross comments about me. Stupid shit he said to me is still stuck in my head. Said he’d been planning something like that the minute he first saw me, said he wanted to go last ‘cause he wanted me used up and…what’s worse was that he forced me to touch myself…can’t even do that even if I want to without having a fucking panic attack…grossest part was watching him lick my hand clean after I…” Jelani trailed off. Out of everything he was subjected to, that part was the worst. How was he supposed to come to terms with the fact that he’d been raped and yet he ejaculated despite him not wanting to? He spent plenty of sleepless nights wondering why it happened. Jelani then continued, his tone had grown somber, “...after I came.” He then lowered his gaze as that all too familiar sense of dread and shame overcame him. “How can I just sit here and say I was raped when that happened?”

“Hey, that shit was not your fault. Your body reacted to stimuli, that piece’a shit knew that would happen and he wanted to fuck with your head.”

“Maybe if I hadn’t said anything none of that would’ve happened. Serves me right, I guess.”

“No, hey! No one deserves that shit, all right? No one!” Angelus said in a firm tone but quickly gathered himself when he caught himself almost yelling in response to what Jelani said. Not only had he gone through something brutal but he was placing the blame on himself and that didn’t sit right with Angelus, he couldn’t help but react to his statement. Angelus then lowered his voice and his shoulders to appear softer, “Sorry, didn’t mean to yell. Go on, hon.”

“My dad found me in the morning, the only reason why he did was because Dagny led him to that basement. I hate that he saw me like that, I hate that he knew what happened and I especially fucking hate the fact that he blamed himself for what happened. He thought I wouldn’t find out but I did, that guilt ate him up from the inside. Couple days later we were eating dinner and he kept staring at me, at the cuts on my lips, and he just broke down crying. He just kept repeating over and over again how sorry he was that he failed me and that shit hurt worse than getting the shit kicked outta me. That man did everything he could for me and he felt that he’d failed me and I haven’t been able to get that shit outta my head since. Eventually he asked what happened and who did it and I didn’t wanna tell him because I knew he’d try to go after them but before they left one of them told me that if I told my dad what happened they’d find me, kill my dad in front of me and do that shit again. I was more worried about them killing him than getting raped again. I don’t know why he wanted me to tell him what happened, at some point he reached out to grab me and I freaked the fuck out on him. The feeling of being touched sent me into a panic and out of anger I told him to fuck off. He wasn’t dumb though, he knew who did it but I guess he wanted to hear it from me. I didn’t say anything but I knew he knew and I had to get on my knees and beg him to let it go. Eventually he did. Couple of days later I took a bottle of mentats and swallowed ‘em all, I kept having some messed up nightmares so I chose not to sleep to avoid ‘em but that just made everything worse. Caravan doctor found me and pumped my stomach before any damage could be done. I asked her not tell my dad and she said she wouldn’t but if I tried to kill myself again she’d have to let him know. Couple of days after that we were on our way to Boston and on the way the route we were supposed to go through was blocked by debris so we took a look at the map, dad suggested a route but I suggested a different one that wouldn’t take us that far out of the way, he agreed and we went the way I suggested.”

Jelani’s voice was starting to break again and he began to cry. Angelus sat up and leaned forward as he put his hands on his knees while whispering to him that he was okay. Dagny sat up and placed her paws on Jelani’s knee almost as if to stop his knee from bouncing so excessively.

“Fucking deathclaw comes out of nowhere and dad tells me to get the others inside a building that was nearby and to stay with them while he led the fucking thing away from us. I got ‘em in the building but I wasn’t about to let him deal with that thing by himself. I grabbed my rifle and went out to find him, turns out there was a baby deathclaw and that shit got the drop on me. Managed to kill it and shot the big one in the eye which only managed to make it madder so it turned and started to walk towards me but then I looked at dad and I saw a knife in his hand and I thought for a second, “What the fuck is he gonna do with that? That won’t do anything to the deathclaw.” He and the deathclaw were both standing in the middle of a makeshift rope bridge that was over a river and I swear time just slowed down when I saw him raise the knife and start cutting the rope. I just froze there in a panic and one minute he’s there and he tells me that he loves me and the next he and the deathclaw are both gone. Took me a minute to force myself to move again and when I was able to I ran to the edge to see if he was okay but the only one I saw was that fucking reptile swim to the shore. I just sat there hoping he’d call out to me or I’d spot him or something. Eventually the caravan moved on and after a few days I stopped believing that my dad made it and I just walked. I kept walking until I saw a building and went inside. I couldn’t handle the guilt so I took one of my guns, put it in my mouth and was about to pull the trigger but Dagny kept pawing at me. She’s all I have left…I couldn’t just abandon her.”

Angelus grabbed Jelani and hugged him tightly as Jelani buried his face into Angelus’s shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably and screamed. Dagny placed her head on his lap as she let out a whimper as if to get his attention to let him know she was right there.

“It’s okay, darlin’, it’s okay.”

“It’s not! It’s fucking not! I got my dad killed…he’s dead because of me!”

“It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault, not the rape or your dad’s death. There was no way you or anyone else could know there was a deathclaw in the area. Hey, look at me.”

Angelus pulled Jelani away while still grasping his shoulders. The whites of his eyes had turned red, tears stained his face and his entire body was shaking so much his teeth were chattering against each other. He felt tense, much more tense than before.

“Look at me.” Angelus softly said as he grabbed Jelani by the chin and lifted his face, however, he turned his eyes away from Angelus and as much as he wanted to stop crying he couldn’t. The realization that he’d just admitted to someone that he’d been gang raped and a few days later lost his father was slowly creeping in and a feeling of panic he’d never felt before was slowly rising from the pit of his stomach.

“Hey, Jelani.” Angelus repeated as he turned his face towards him and this time he locked eyes with the raider and kept them on him even as he started crying again. “Sugar, I am so sorry you’re going through that much pain and I’m so sorry that you feel like it was all your fault but I need you to know that it wasn’t your fault, you hear me? You’re not to blame for any of it.

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re not. Those animals just wanted to hurt you, there are some evil sons of bitches in this world and all eight of them are prime examples of it. You did what you thought was right, you stood up to a group of bullies and they didn’t like that so they went out of their way to hurt you because you were right to do what you did. Your dad did what any parent would do for their kid, he just wanted to protect you, it’s not your fault.” There was some desperation in Angelus’s voice and his tone and facial expression reflected it clearly. He couldn’t understand how or why a victim of such violence and such unfortunate circumstances could sit there and blame himself for things that had been done to him and were completely out of his control. The wasteland was dangerous and unforgiving, it could swallow and chew up even the strongest of people and could destroy those that were wounded. Hearing Jelani blame himself didn’t sit right with him at all but he figured he was so broken down that blaming himself was the only way he could make sense of any of it. Still, he wanted to talk him into abandoning that mindset even though he was aware it wasn’t easy. He focused on trying to get him to continue talking, to get all of his thoughts out of his system and hopefully get him to see a little more clearly or at the very least make him feel at ease. “Did you ever talk to anyone about any of this?”

“Nei. I couldn’t. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this.”

“Like I said before, you had to talk to someone eventually, keeping all of that inside was just going to hurt you in the long run.”

“I kept thinking that if I told anyone the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks, the memories and all that shit would get worse but part of me wanted to just let it out and be done with it.” Jelani shuddered and dropped his shoulders. He gave up on trying to stop himself from crying as he knew it was futile, especially with all the thoughts that were running around in his head. As a few stray tears fell down his face he looked back up at Angelus, his face went blank and his tone turned even more somber than it already was.

“I’m tired of it all. I have to get drunk to fall asleep because if I don’t I wake up from these nightmares that feel so real I wake up in a panic. I can’t stand the smell of whiskey–just looking at a bottle makes me throw up ‘cause that’s what they drank before they did what they did. I can’t stand the feeling of someone else touching me. It feels like a thousand hot needles poking me and no matter how much I rub or scratch the area that sensation doesn’t go away. One minute I think I’m fine and the next I can hear their voices, someone’s voice might be similar to theirs, someone says a word or I look at something that was down in that basement and it feels like I’m back in that basement with all eight of them doing it again and again and sometimes I can barely tell what’s reality and what’s a vivid memory. I gotta keep a steady supply of Calmex for when I wake up from a nightmare or come back from one of those memories. Every time I go out I keep thinking it’s gonna happen again, every person I talk to–every single one–we could be talking about anything and this sick little voice deep in the back of my head goes, “They’re gonna rape you.” What’s worse is I’m often thinking, “Just do it and get it over with.” Everywhere I go I keep looking back in case someone’s following or worse one of them shows up. I’m constantly checking to see if I locked the doors. I know I locked them but I gotta keep checking over and over again to make sure I locked them just in case they find me. I know it’s all illogical but I can’t help it. It’s like I can’t move on and in a weird way I don’t want to because as much as it feels like torture and I hate it it also feels good, it feels familiar. The one time I managed to touch myself I couldn’t finish ‘cause I couldn’t stop thinking about that last fucking asshole. I even said his fucking name out loud. Even if I want to, I don’t bother anymore ‘cause I’m scared to death of what the fuck is gonna cross through my head when I do. That night you came over? Yeah, I did want to, I hadn’t felt that need since before all this shit happened but the second you grabbed me by the hips I panicked–it just brought me back to that fucking basement.”

Angelus’s face lit up in embarrassment, he exhaled as he shook his head and said in a remorseful tone, “Jelani, I am so sorry about that. I should’ve asked first.”

“Doesn’t matter. Part of me hoped you wouldn’t have stopped when I asked you to anyhow.”

“Why?” Angelus jerked his head back in shock. He was a lot of things and he’d done a lot of things but that was one of the things that was inconceivable to him. Just the mere thought of someone actually wanting to do that to someone else made his skin crawl.

“I guess I wanted to see if maybe by forcing it it would fix everything or…something–I don’t know.” The more he thought about it the less sense it made to him and yet it was something that nagged at him since Angelus spent the night and had that panic attack. The shame and embarrassment he felt that night still resonated with him and part of him wanted to prove something to himself or maybe to Angelus he wasn’t sure anymore. “That’s why I was in the Combat Zone today.”

“What do you mean?”

“I went down there to see if I could go through with it without having a panic attack but–sat at one of the bars and just kept drinking. Eventually this raider sits down next to me and starts making small talk, he starts drinking and I keep drinking and the more he talks the less I feel like going through with it until eventually I changed my mind. I paid for the drinks I ordered and I left to go to the bathroom and just pour water over my face and leave but as soon as I turned to leave he’s standing in front of the door and all I wanted to do was scream. I didn’t even think about fighting my way out, I just wanted to scream. Before I could, he looked at me and said that if I didn’t want to, all I had to do was tell him to get out of the way and he’d let me leave. I didn’t actually believe him but I told him I didn’t want to and he actually moved outta the way. I reached for the door but I just froze there staring at the door and after a few minutes I locked the door and…I just let ‘im fuck me. I thought I’d be able to go through with it but the second I felt him slide inside me I started to panic but I forced myself to stay.”

“Oh, darlin’.” Angelus said as he grabbed Jelani and hugged him again, he closed his eyes as he felt Jelani rest his head on his shoulder and brought up his left arm in an attempt to hug him back, “Who was it?”

“Radek.”

“Do you have any idea how dangerous that was? Had it been anyone else they would not have let you walk out of there without getting what they wanted first.” Angelus let out a sigh of relief as he closed his eyes again and hugged him tighter. He knew Radek all too well and he was thankful it was him and not another raider. As a raider himself Angelus was more than self aware of the fact that raiders were prone to doing some horrific things to other people. Murder, theft, cannibalism, torture, battery, rape–nothing was too much or too far for most raiders. Very few showed any kind of restraint or had limits to what they will or will not do. Thankfully Radek was one of those rare few.

“I know.” Jelani sounded tired. He leaned back on the chair, his head and shoulders hung low. Not only did he sound tired but the rest of his body seemed tired, seemed spent. He looked and sounded like he had no energy left in him. He sniffled as he once again began to cry only this time it was quiet and lethargic, as if he had no control over his own body and let it do what it thought was what it needed to do. Angelus gently placed the palm of his left hand on his cheek and Jelani slightly leaned into it, he couldn’t bring himself to look up at him but his touch felt warm, soft and safe. It was the first time in months that he felt that feeling coming from another person. 

“Radek asked if I was okay. I didn’t know what to tell him so I just told him not to stop and tried to hide my face so he wouldn’t notice I was crying. Couldn’t do anything about the shaking and he asked me if I was sure I wanted to continue and I kept telling him not to stop even though I wanted him to. I was too scared to ask him.” Jelani’s voice was breaking as he took deep breaths. “The more I begged Chris to stop the harder and deeper he’d push inside, if I cried he’d hit me harder and harder. He kept telling me to scream but by the end I couldn’t make a sound, wasn’t until later I learned I’d screamed so much I tore my vocal cords. When he finally came he told me he was gonna be inside me for the rest of my life. Ever since that night he’s been in my head. Every nightmare I have I see his face and I can hear his voice. Every memory since then has just been him, every time I see a bottle of whiskey I can feel him on and in me. He was right. That night you stayed over? I wanted you so bad I was practically desperate, I hadn’t felt the want or need for sex since it happened until you showed up. Months later and I’m still in that fucking basement.”

“You’re gonna get through this, you’ll see. It’s not easy but you’ll be okay.”

“I’m better off dead.”

“No, no, don’t say that.” Angelus grasped Jelani’s face between his hands and pulled him closer to his face but suddenly stopped when he realized what he was about to do. He looked him in the eyes and then looked down at his lips and in a breathless voice asked as he then looked him in the eye again, “Can I?”

Jelani nodded and Angelus didn’t hesitate. He pulled him closer to him and gently kissed him while minding where he was putting his hands, eventually he rested one hand on his shoulder and with the other pulled down his hoodie and slowly brought his hand up and cradled the back of his head with it to pull him closer to him. It was the only way he knew how to prove to him that he cared. To Angelus a kiss meant far more than saying he would be right there for him no matter what he needed. To him a kiss was far more powerful than words. As they kissed Angelus could feel Jelani start to tremble beneath his hands though he returned every kiss with a bit of restraint.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Angelus reassured him between kisses. As soon as he felt Jelani pull away he did too and saw that he was still crying but at least he didn’t seem to be panicking. “How can I help you? What do you need me to do?”

Jelani slightly shook his head and shrugged. He wasn’t sure anyone anywhere could help him. He could feel as he slowly stopped trembling though he felt tired–more than tired. He felt exposed and raw, there he was telling someone he barely knew something horrible that had been eating away at him for months. Months of pain, guilt, shame and fear that sat in the pit of his stomach threatening to rot away and slowly kill him and admittedly part of him wanted the rot to kill him, not only so that he wouldn’t suffer any longer but because he felt he didn’t deserve to live.

“Well, we need someone to take a look at your hand. You’re still bleeding. After that I can sit you down and brush your hair ‘cause it’s too pretty to be this messy.” Angelus chuckled as he brushed a few strands of hair away from Jelani’s face. “Come on, Diamond City ain’t too far, they got a really good doctor there.”

Angelus didn’t wait for an answer, even if Jelani said no he was still going to take him to the doctor he had in mind, the small cuts on his hand weren’t that big of an issue, however, the large gash on his index finger wouldn’t stop bleeding on its own and Angelus was in no way capable of stitching any injury. He grabbed Jelani’s backpack and put it on so he wouldn’t have to carry it. He expected Jelani to protest but he merely sat on the chair staring at nothing, barely making a sound safe for occasionally sniffling. Once he had everything ready he walked over to him and wrapped a bandana around his injured hand to at least slow down the bleeding. He’d asked him if it was too tight but Jelani had gone non-responsive so Angelus didn’t bother him with any more questions. He helped him up and the three of them left the building.

Diamond City was a twenty-eight minute walk from where they were, the area wasn’t the safest but if you knew where to go and what areas to avoid it would go over smoothly. The walk was quiet and oddly peaceful. Angelus took in the sites and found it oddly beautiful how the setting sun’s rays painted orange and blue colors on the skeletal remains of what once were skyscrapers. He made sure to take the most direct route to Diamond City that was also the safest though he was surprised to not hear as many gunshots in the distance. Ever since the Minutemen came back into power and their numbers grew there were lots of patrols in the areas around Diamond City, they’d walked past two in less than fifteen minutes of starting their walk. Every once in a while Angelus would look beside him to make sure Jelani was alright, or at least as alright as he could be given the situation. He was aware of the fact that life was cruel, he witnessed some of that cruelty himself when his own grandmother sold him off to some stranger because she couldn’t stand him much less stand the fact that he wasn’t acting the way she wanted him to act. He got lucky, the person he’d been sold to was a decent human being, a rare thing to find out in the Wasteland. The old man once admitted that he accepted the deal because he saw the ugly tension between him and his grandmother and knew it would end ugly so he took him off her hands. Aside from that his life was one endless joyride that he intended to exploit as much as he could. However, looking at Jelani and remembering every little detail he’d just told him chilled him to the bone, he was only eighteen-years-old and looked more worn down, tired and beat down than a sixty-year-old hired gun. He could never imagine that someone could go through such pain and misery before even getting the chance to reach their twenties. He was sympathetic to his ordeal and genuinely wished there was some way he could help ease some of the pain even if it was in the form of a distraction.

Once they made it to the entrance to what some people called the great green jewel, a name he found obscenely tacky, he looked around and saw dozens of people going in and out of Diamond City. Some were merchants, others were Minutemen, a few mercenaries, regular people, basically all types visited the place. Before taking another step Angelus looked down to see Dagny pulling on his shirt to get his attention. Once he looked at her she lightly yapped at him and ran over to Jelani who’d stopped a few feet from the entrance. He was slightly hunched over with his arms crossing his chest and looked to be fixated on the people in the area. Angelus quickly walked over to him and slowly wrapped his hands around his arms which made him jump and let out a whimper. Angelus frowned at this but stood in front of him while Dagny squeezed herself between Jelani’s legs and looked up at him.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay. Just focus on me and the dog, okay? Nothing bad is gonna happen to you, not while Dagny and I are here. I promise.”

Jelani didn’t answer but he took a step forward which prompted Dagny to take a few steps forward so she was ahead of them. Every few steps she would stop to look back as if somehow communicating that it was safe for him to keep going in that direction. His eyes darted between Dagny and Angelus who was gently holding on to his left arm as he guided him towards the entrance to Diamond City. In the back of his mind he was resentful that the first time he would walk into Diamond City would be in that state, yet another first time that was ruined for him, seemed like it was a theme that was going to follow him for the rest of his life now. He didn’t greet anyone that greeted them as they passed by them, he let Angelus do that for him. He had no desire or energy to look at anyone much less talk to them. Once they reached the inner part of the city he became overwhelmed by the sensation of so many different sounds and so many people walking past them, it forced him to stop for a minute to try to gather and compose himself. He didn’t want to be there, he was sure he could stitch up the wound himself back at his place but the reality was that had he been able to go home he would just go to sleep and try to feel less distraught than he already was but part of him knew he had to get his hand looked at. The more time passed without treating the wound the more it hurt, it was getting past that threshold between wanting to feel pain he inflicted on himself as a form of punishment, a way to feel something, and as a way to silence his head and more like pain that was making him feel a bit of panic. Either way, the sensation was not a good feeling and the more he focused on it the worse it made him feel.

Both of them made their way down the steps and into the heart of the city. He kept his head down as Angelus guided him and was startled when he sat him down on a bench. Angelus told him something but he wasn’t really hearing what he said, he neither nodded nor shook his head in response he merely sat on the bench and saw Angelus walk away. He could feel his heart start to race as he looked around the area. The sound of dozens of people laughing, talking, and yelling swirled in with the sound of merchants yelling to get people’s attention and the sound of footsteps on the ground became louder and louder to the point where Jelani couldn’t hear himself think. His eyes darted quickly from one face to another, he carefully watched their movements. A feeling of claustrophobia began to bubble in the pit of his stomach whenever people walked way too close to him. His shoulders dropped as well as his head when the feelings became far too much for him to withstand, he looked in the direction he and Angelus had come from and the sudden realization that there was only one way in and out of Diamond City overwhelmed him to the point of making him feel like he couldn’t breathe. He was starting to shake, he could feel his heart beating too fast and his shallow breathing made him feel like he couldn’t catch his breath. He grew suspicious of everyone around him. The guards wearing helmets that covered most of their faces made him incredibly uncomfortable. He wanted to run away, to anywhere more quiet and smaller with no one around that could hurt him. In his panic he failed to notice Dagny had sat on the bench beside him and was quietly yapping at him to get his attention. When her yapping didn’t get the results she wanted she placed one of her paws on his left arm and that managed to get his attention. He stared at her and she stared at him. Both of them focused on one another and silently stared at each other for what seemed like a long time. Somehow staring at Dagny helped him to ground himself, her large ears were up, her little mouth was slightly open as her forked tongue hung loosely to the side, he focused on her clean and shiny scales and her soft fur coat, her paw pads felt a bit cold against his skin and he could feel her claws though they weren’t sharp or jagged, he made sure to always keep them short and well rounded. The tip of her tail moved slightly from side to side. He focused on her eyes, they looked so joyful and full of life, no matter what happened she always seemed like she was happy and willing to share said happiness to all who came into contact with her. As he stared at her Jelani could feel his body become less and less tense and even felt his eyes become softer the more he stared at her. Soon his breathing became stable and although his heart was still beating fast it wasn’t as intense as before. She must have noticed too because the second he started to relax she began to wiggle and stomp her front paws on his arm and lifted herself so she could nudge her nose against his.

“Takk, Dag.” Jelani barely managed to whisper as he leaned his head on hers and wrapped an arm around her. The little night stalker leaned in and put her entire body weight on his side as her tail wagged. He wasn’t ignorant to the fact that if it hadn’t been for Dagny he would’ve been dead on more than one occasion. That little night stalker was the sole reason why he was still alive.

“Okay, sweetness, doc just finished with his other patient. He can take a look at your hand now.” Angelus had knelt down in front of Jelani so he could see him and he could see his expression. He was still somber and quiet and didn’t move despite knowing full well he needed to let the doctor take a look at his hand. “Sweetie, it’s okay. Dagny and I will be right next to you, we’re not gonna leave your side, all right?”

He still didn’t want to but he knew he had to so Jelani stood up and let Angelus guide him to the doctor. Once he set foot inside he wanted to leave, he hated how open the area was. Anyone walking by could see everything happening and could easily hear what was spoken but he talked himself into staying; he was already there he might as well have stayed. Angelus dragged a chair over to a table with some, hopefully disinfected, tools and medications. At least they weren’t rusty. Dr. Sun and Angelus exchanged some words but Jelani wasn’t paying attention to what either man was saying; he just looked at Dagny who was sitting next to Angelus and looked back at him.

“Have a seat, please.” Dr. Sun said in a stoic tone as he then turned to Angelus who was explaining the injury on Jelani’s hand.

Jelani slowly moved towards the chair and carefully sat on it. Dagny walked over to him and sat down next to him and placed her head on his lap perhaps in the hopes of keeping him calm.

“All right, let’s take a look.” The doctor grabbed Jelani’s right arm and carefully placed it on the table after he rearranged some of his tools. He undid the bloody bandana and handed it to Angelus and examined the hand and as he did he occasionally looked at Jelani who was staring at the ground.

“How did it happen?”

“Does it matter how it happened?” Angelus responded as he knew Jelani wasn’t going to answer and telling a complete stranger something that Angelus felt was so personal seemed like a breach of Jelani’s trust.

“If you don’t mind,” Dr. Sun began, again with a stoic and stern tone, “I’d prefer it if my patient was the one that answered.” The question was redundant. Sun just wanted to see Jelani’s reaction, he was well aware of how he got that injury but he wanted to do a little more than just treat the wound. He wanted to check the state of his patient before sending him on his way.

“He’s not gonna answer. He had a bad day, let’s just leave it at that.”

“Okay.”

Dr. Sun dropped the subject and carefully removed all the pieces of glass embedded into the cuts on Jelani’s hand. Some were easier to retrieve than others. Once he was sure that all the pieces of glass were removed he gently cleaned up the wounds and then moved on to stitch the large gash on his index finger. Jelani didn’t react as Sun stitched up his finger which correlated with Angelus’s statement about him having a bad day, he was so numb he wasn’t reacting to the pain at all, he just kept staring at the floor without saying a word, making a sound or even moving. It was both alarming and unnerving to say the least but Dr. Sun’s area of expertise were physical injuries not psychological ones. Once he finished he grabbed some gauze to dress the hand to avoid the cuts and stitches from getting dirty and as he moved his hand he noticed a thin line of dry blood on his inner forearm. Sun grabbed the sleeve of Jelani’s coat and started to pull it up but as soon as Jelani noticed what was happening he jerked his arm back and shook his head.

“There’s some blood on your arm. I just wanna take a look and see if it’s anything serious.” Dr. Sun said, his tone wasn’t as intense and his expression was a lot softer than before, he then looked at Angelus as if silently asking him to intervene.

Angelus quickly got the message so he crouched down and in a soft tone said, “C’mon, sugar, he just needs to take a quick look. I ain’t gonna let nothin’ else bad happen to you, I promise.”

He had no energy left in him to fight them both off so he relented, the feeling was unfortunately familiar to him. Angelus thought it would be better if a total stranger wasn’t  grabbing at Jelani and putting his hands all over him as he knew people touching him made him very nervous so he carefully removed the coat, rolled up the sleeves of his jacket and as soon as he did he found out why Jelani didn’t want Dr. Sun to pull on his sleeve. Both of his forearms were covered in dozens of scars and cuts, some were fresh and some appeared to be weeks and even months old. Most of them were thin and didn’t require any stitches, however, the dry blood Dr. Sun spotted was coming from his upper arm. There was a piece of cloth that was once white but was now mostly reddish in color crudely wrapped around his upper arm. The cloth had been covering a very deep cut on his upper arm that was now caked in dry blood, Dr. Sun figured it was no older than twelve hours. He looked Jelani up and down and placed a hand on his shoulder. He wanted to say something but felt it was better if he didn’t. He gently patted him on his head and turned to look for clean gauze and antiseptic solutions to clean that wound as well as the other fresh wounds on his forearms and the tools needed to stitch the large wound as well.

Angelus had grabbed another chair and sat close to Jelani while holding on to his coat while the doctor took care of his other wounds. He lightly and gently traced his fingers over Jelani’s scars until he reached his palm and intertwined his fingers with his. Jelani didn’t say anything, he didn’t react or pull away but he did lean his head on him and almost out of instinct Angelus wrapped his hand around his shoulder and kissed his cheek before leaning his head on his.

Like with his previous injury Jelani didn't react to anything Dr. Sun was doing, he didn’t wince, he didn’t groan or complain. He just sat there looking away from either of them and remained as quiet as possible. Angelus kept his arm around him and with the other held his hand as he kept an eye on him. He didn't know what to say to him, he didn’t even know if saying anything was appropriate, the only thing that felt right was just being by his side even if it was in complete silence.

Once Dr. Sun was finished Angelus helped Jelani stand up, helped him put his coat back on and while holding onto him he helped him walk up to the noodle stand in the middle of the marketplace where he told him to sit tight while he finished dealing with the doctor. Dagny followed close and sat at Jelani’s feet as she watched Angelus rush back to Dr. Sun to pay and grab the backpack. Angelus paid with his own caps. Both men were silent as the exchange took place but once it was done Angelus grabbed Jelani's backpack but before he went on his way Dr. Sun grabbed his shoulder to hold him back.

In the most deadpan and serious manner Dr. Sun said, “Your friend isn't well. He needs a lot of help.”

“I know,” Angelus replied, his expression and tone were more somber, “thanks, Doc.”

Angelus walked back to Power Noodles, sat next to Jelani and looked at him. He looked like he wasn’t even in his own body anymore, like it was just navigating around on its own. His eyes looked like they were devoid of any and all life, he barely made a sound save for the occasional sigh and didn’t move. Angelus stood back up and went behind Jelani, he carefully gathered his hair as if to tie it up but draped it to the side and then grabbed the hoodie, pulled it from under the coat and placed it over his head. He sat back down while looking at Jelani and tucked some of his hair behind his ear so he could look at him. Jelani turned to look at Angelus but he didn’t say anything, he couldn’t even if he wanted to, he did appreciate everything Angelus was doing but he couldn’t find the words. Both looked at each other for a while before Angelus looked towards the protectron attending people at the noodle stand. Angelus had sat Jelani in the back of the noodle stand figuring it was better to keep him from the front as it tended to get crowded with people trying to get their hands on some food and given Jelani’s current state he figured the less stress the better.

“You hungry?”

Jelani silently looked at him as he shook his head but Angelus kept pushing the matter, “Honey, when was the last time you ate anything?”

Jelani actually thought back on it as far as he could and the last thing he remembered eating was half  an apple for breakfast about four days ago. Most of the time he didn’t really feel hungry and when he did he ignored it. He justified it as either being too tired to move, not caring enough or thinking he didn’t deserve it. He felt like he’d said far too much today so he just looked at Angelus and shrugged.

“Thought so.” Angelus said as he stood up, “I’ll be back.” He placed his hand under Jelani’s chin, lifted his face up slightly and gave him a quick peck on the lips before making his way to the front of the noodle stand. Jelani kept his eyes on him for a little bit but then turned to look at Dagny who stood up on her hind legs, had placed both front paws on his thighs and rested her head between her paws as she looked up at him while gently wagging her tail. He managed to form a half hearted smile and began to scratch behind her ears and after a few seconds she started to scratch at the air with her left hind leg while lifting her right front paw and making a groaning sound as she slightly opened her mouth and let her tongue hang out. After a few minutes Dagny jumped up on Jelani’s lap and gently licked the hand he used to scratch her. She then moved up and began to lick his cheek and then his forehead as she placed both front paws on his chest to balance herself.

“Love you, you silly dog…” Jelani whispered as he lowered his head and let the little night stalker shower him with affection.

“Hey, guys.” Angelus returned with three steaming bowls of noodles and placed them on the counter in front of Jelani. He laughed when he saw Dagny on Jelani’s lap but carefully grabbed her, placed her on the counter in front of Jelani and placed one of the bowls closest to her. Dagny sat down and sniffed the bowl of noodles and watched as Angelus poured some clean water into it to cool off the broth and the noodles themselves as he figured it would be too hot for her. Dagny watched carefully as Angelus mixed in the water and the noodles and pushed it towards her, she carefully tasted the broth and once she got a taste for it she began to eat.

Jelani watched as Dagny practically sunk her snout into the bowl and made a bit of a mess. She was usually a messy eater. He may not be eating much if at all but he always made sure to have plenty of food for Dagny and always made sure to feed her twice a day. He was adamant that she get a bowl full of either canned dog food or some well cooked and cleaned up meat, usually radstag or yao guai as it was her favorite.

“And here’s yours, darlin’.” Angelus said as he sat next to Jelani but not before carefully sliding the bowl in front of him. Jelani looked at the bowl and then back at Angelus who was smiling back at him.

“I’m sorry.” Jelani managed to whisper as he hung his head in shame.

“You don’t like noodles? I can go get you something from the Dugout. Anything you want.”

“No, I mean…I’m sorry about today. Pretty sure you have better things to do than deal with some traumatized psycho–”

“Nuh-uh, no. Haakonson, that had better be the first and last time I ever hear you say some foul ass shit about yourself or I’m stealing your dog. There is nowhere else I’d rather be at, sweet pea. I’d rather be here with you, making sure you’re okay than to be in some bar half buzzed on some two hundred year old Vodka gambling my caps away on fights. You look like you shouldn’t be left alone and I would rather spend my entire day trying to feed you than to hang out with those fools I was gonna go into the Combat Zone with today, okay?”

“Why?”

“You looked like you needed help and from what you told me today I’d say I was right.” Angelus omitted some of the truth as to not add any pressure to the situation. The first time he saw Jelani it was like he’d been struck with “lust at first sight”. Second time he saw him those same feelings returned but with something else in tow, something he never felt before, not in his twenty-six years of life. It was as if the universe had suddenly made sense to him and he wanted and needed to be next to him just to keep experiencing this euphoria that had been denied to him his entire life. Running into him yet again proved to him that he needed to go with his gut feeling and he was glad he did. What he confided in him today was unlike anything he could’ve imagined and as he heard and took in every word out of his mouth he felt every emotion a person could feel in such a short span. Being distraught and heartbroken for someone he barely even knew solidified the fact that he really did like him though he was sure it was more than just liking him but he didn’t wanna get too ahead of himself especially with how careful he’d have to navigate through his feelings given everything he heard today.

The three of them ate in silence, it wasn’t awkward by any means, in fact, it was almost relaxing and delightful. Neither of them had to be forced to entertain the other with mindless chatter and their silence didn’t feel heavy, they just enjoyed each other’s company. Angelus and Dagny had finished their meals but Jelani still hadn’t finished his, he was slowly eating it but when he was about halfway done with his he carefully pushed the bowl away from him as if to signal to Angelus that he was done without saying anything. Angelus grabbed the bowl and pushed it back towards Jelani while shaking his head. It took a bit of convincing but in the end Jelani finished his meal and the three of them remained at the counter after they were done eating, while they ate it’d started to rain and thunder so they stayed seated sheltering themselves from the storm. Jelani was pleasantly surprised to see Dagny had jumped up on Angelus’s lap and was baiting him into playing with her. Dagny had been socialized well and got along with others just fine especially kids, any time she saw a kid come up to her she’d turn into a puppy and play for hours on end, given the fact that kids were always full of energy she’d exploit that until she was too tired to play anymore. With adults she was more calm and reserved, very few adults played with her so it was rare to see her initiate some playing. He watched as Angelus grabbed her front paws and covered her eyes with them for a few seconds before pulling them away from her eyes and making some very loud and very silly sounds which made Dagny wag her tail so hard her lower half of her body wiggled in pure excitement. Jelani didn’t think he had it in him but he managed to smile as he saw them playing together, his smile grew wider as Angelus began to sing to Dagny while dancing with her.

Angelus’s attention was on Dagny but he was also paying attention to Jelani and would occasionally look towards him and would catch him smiling. Every time he did his smile would widen. He was glad to see him smile after seeing him crying for hours. It felt relaxing to see his smile even if it looked a little tired. Eventually the rain let up though it was still thundering and both took the opportunity to leave Diamond City which presented a new bump on the road. Angelus was dead set on not leaving Jelani by himself especially after what happened, he wanted to ask him if he wanted to go back to Egret with him but he felt that was a bit too forward for the moment. He certainly didn’t wanna take him with him back to Nuka World. That trip was long and he certainly didn’t feel like going back any time soon plus he figured the place would not be ideal for him at the moment. Once they reached the entrance to Diamond City they headed south towards the bunker. The walk was quiet and pleasant, a stark contrast to the start of the day. Neither said anything to each other but each of their minds were racing with thoughts and debating on what each would do once they reached the bunker that was at most thirteen minutes from Diamond City. When the relay tower was in sight Angelus stopped in his tracks and faced in the opposite direction and then looked back at Jelani and Dagny.

“What’s wrong?” Jelani asked as he looked at him.

Angelus held his tongue for a moment and weighed his options and after debating with himself for a few seconds he decided to throw caution to the wind and decided to be upfront. “I don’t wanna leave you alone.”

Jelani didn’t have an answer to that, he was surprised to say the least, he figured Angelus had had enough of him to last him a lifetime and would’ve been looking forward to parting ways. Normally he’d just tell him he would be fine, even if he wasn’t, and would go on his way but if he did that there was a chance Angelus would follow through and he had to be honest with himself he really didn’t want to be alone, not after what went down that day. Not after he basically violated the one rule he implemented on himself to protect his own well being, or better said, what he thought he had to do to protect himself. He couldn’t possibly imagine the vile shit he’d be subjected to once he decided to go to sleep, and drinking himself into a stupor just to avoid it was getting old even for him.

“Then don’t.” As soon as he said that he internally recoiled. He didn’t want Angelus to get the wrong idea and the last thing he wanted was to string him along but he did want his company and he had no idea how to express it in a way that kept himself safe and didn’t sound cold or distant.

“Do you want me to stay?” Angelus asked, the desperation in his tone left him almost breathless from the disbelief in his boldness. If it would’ve been anyone else he was pursuing he would have been far more upfront and direct, he’d done so hundreds of times before but now he was cautious, almost tip-toeing around him.

Jelani inhaled deeply. He was conflicted, on the one hand he really didn’t want to be alone, he feared the repercussions of the day’s events and to a certain extent he didn’t want to part ways with Angelus, on the other hand he was afraid though he wasn’t entirely sure of what. So far Angelus hadn’t given him any reason to doubt his intentions, he seemed determined to help him and so far hadn’t asked for anything in return. His pessimism and his optimism were at odds and neither seemed to want to back down. Jelani turned to look at the bunker and then looked at Dagny. The little night stalker was relaxed and calm, she never growled at Angelus nor did she place herself between him and Angelus, she even willingly baited Angelus to try to get him to play with her. Even before the assault Dagny would growl at Chris and would stand between him and Jelani, it was as if she knew he had ill intentions the very second she laid her eyes on him when he and Loke joined the caravan. Jelani trusted her with his life and if she seemed relaxed and calm around Angelus then he was willing to relax as much as he could around him.

“Ja.” He said in a low whisper as he looked up at him and sheepishly nodded.

Angelus gave him a quick and small smile, it was the kind of smile that made his gray eyes light up, he walked over to him and both walked into the bunker.

They’d arrived in time as it began to rain again but this time it was pouring heavily and the thundering had gotten worse. The rain exacerbated the cold in the air, even the thick walls of the bunker couldn’t keep the cold out so Jelani brought out the thickest blanket he had and handed it to Angelus while he went into the kitchen area and searched for some snacks and a full bottle of Bobrov’s Best Moonshine. He found the name almost laughable; giving the moonshine you distilled yourself the title of best was subjective at best. Still, he held on to the bottle as plenty of people in the Commonwealth swore by it though he thought maybe it was all out of some false sense of loyalty as the Bobrov brothers were well liked. Given his propensity to drink until he passed out every night to avoid nightmares and night terrors that was the only bit of alcohol he had left and he figured they could share the bottle to warm themselves up. Jelani walked back to the sofa where Angelus and Dagny were sitting under the blanket. As soon as he sat down Angelus stretched the blanket out and draped it over Jelani. Without thinking it over Jelani moved closer to Angelus until both of their shoulders were touching, he wasn’t sure if that was the smartest thing to do but it felt right and most importantly he didn’t feel uncomfortable doing so.

They stayed on the sofa for a while eating snacks and drinking the moonshine which Angelus admitted was a lot better than the swivel that passed around as moonshine in the northern part of the wasteland. Of course, he said it was good but not as good as the moonshine he would drink back when he lived in Mississippi. They talked for a while and by they it was mostly Angelus retelling some of his misadventures with raider gangs prior to the one he was currently a part of. Jelani listened and asked a few questions out of courtesy to keep the conversation going. He kept the questions short and to the point, he felt he talked enough for an entire lifetime and preferred to listen to Angelus talk. Once the snacks were gone and half of the bottle of moonshine was sitting in both of their stomachs Jelani got up to heat up plenty of water for both of them to take a bath. The process would take a while but Angelus continued to talk and Jelani listened intently. Sometimes he would zero in on Angelus’s voice, it was pleasant to him, it wasn’t as deep as other voices he’d heard but it wasn’t high pitched either. He then realized that he felt relaxed, for the first time since their last encounter he felt safe enough to let his guard down and he was surprised at how calm he was when he realized it. In the few hours he spent sitting next to Angelus he hadn’t had a single intrusive thought, he didn’t recall a single memory of the rape or of watching his dad fall to his death, he didn’t feel the need to be watchful of every movement or sound Angelus made, both of their shoulders touching didn’t make him feel sick or like scratching or rubbing the area to make the feeling go away and for a second he forgot what it felt like to want to hurt or kill himself. He was just living, not surviving.

After plenty of hot and most importantly clean water was gathered Jelani let Angelus go first after telling him he would look for a pillow and a blanket he could use. He figured the sofa was comfortable enough so he’d sleep there during the night. While Angelus took a bath Jelani prepared the sofa. He brought out two pillows and the blanket they used to keep themselves warm after cleaning the sofa. Once Angelus was done he made himself comfortable and played with Dagny a little bit as he waited for Jelani to finish, when he did he got up and walked Jelani to his room which was the closed door opposite of the sofa.

For a second Jelani panicked thinking that Angelus was following him to go into the room with him. So far he felt safe with Angelus but there was something within him that didn’t let him let his guard down enough to let him or anyone else into what he deemed was the safest place in the world: his own room. Even when he knew he was all alone he’d spend hours looking at the door and on really bad days he found himself locking it and unlocking it for hours just to make sure it was locked and no one could get in to hurt him. A part of him wanted to let Angelus in but he wasn’t ready for that and he wasn’t sure if he would ever be. As soon as Jelani went inside he closed the door enough to keep Angelus outside and himself inside the room but he was surprised to see that Angelus hung back on the door way.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but I gotta lock the door otherwise I’ll just be staring at it all night long.”

“Hey, you do what you gotta do, sweet pea. It’s okay. If you need me I’ll be right here.”

“Sorry about–there’s only one bed.”

“It’s fine. That’s honestly the cleanest sofa I have ever seen in my life–actually, this is probably the cleanest place in the entire Commonwealth outside of vault 81.” Angelus teased as he looked around and then looked back at Jelani with a smile. “You’re a little compulsive when it comes to cleanliness, ain’t you?”

“A little…” Jelani’s voice trailed off as he lowered his gaze in slight embarrassment. He was always one to keep things organized and clean but ever since the assault and Loke’s death he found he was doing it a lot more. Mostly as a way to keep himself busy and combat the depression along with all the ugly things he had in his head. He wanted to control at least one little aspect of his life.

“Aw, don’t be embarrassed, sugar, it’s cute. Good night.” Angelus leaned in and gave him a peck on the lips and a smile as he backed away to head back to the sofa.

“‘Night.” Jelani whispered before closing the door and locking it. For the first time in months he felt rotten about locking the door but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep if he didn’t lock it.

Angelus stared at the door for a bit, he wasn’t sure why but he just kept staring at it, truth be told he wanted nothing more than to be in there with him but he didn’t want to pressure Jelani into anything much less add more to his trauma, he’d accidentally done his share of that already. He thought back on the day’s event and more than anything wished he could comfort him somehow or at the very least knew of a better way to do so. His eyes moved around and took in the inside of the bunker. Yes, it was secure. Yes, it was by far the cleanest place he’d ever seen. Yes, it was decently sized for a bunker and looked comfortable. Yes, it felt lonely and imposing and cold. For someone like Jelani it wouldn’t seem like a good idea to be isolated and so far from anyone. It was true that Diamond City was less than a thirteen minute walk away and Egret was less than ten minutes away yet somehow the inside of the bunker felt like they were miles and miles away from the nearest person and for someone in Jelani’s current state it was a bad idea. Angelus got an idea and he hoped Jelani would agree to it, he sure as shit didn’t know anything about depression or even half of what ailed Jelani but he was sure this feeling of isolation couldn’t have been good for him. It was too late now so he settled for bringing it up to him in the morning. He turned over and closed his eyes to get some sleep but as he was starting to drift to sleep he could swear he heard someone talking. He forced his eyes open and turned only to see Jelani sitting on the floor with his back against the sofa which startled him as he didn’t even hear him open the door much less walk over to him.

“Jesus…scared the shit out of me, sweet pea.”

“Sorry…” Jelani sniffled.

Angelus heard him sniffling and quickly stood up to check on him. Jelani looked like he’d been crying which made Angelus frown as he sat next to him and wrapped an arm around him. “What happened?”

“When I’m with you…it’s like all the noise in my head quiets down and I can barely hear any of it. Even if we’re not saying anything to each other you just…make it go away. Just scared to be alone right now.”

“You’re not alone, I’m right here.”

“It’s not the same.”

“How can I help, sweet pea?”

“I don’t–I don’t wanna do anything but…can you stay with me?”

“Okay. Sure. Come on, babe.” Angelus helped Jelani to his feet and grabbed the pillows and the blanket, after that he walked him back to his room where Angelus set the pillows and the blanket down on the bed. As he moved around he watched Jelani’s movements, he still seemed lethargic and slow as if he was calculating every move he made or was overly afraid, maybe both. When he climbed up on the bed he kept his limbs close to his body and avoided looking at Angelus altogether. Angelus sat on the bed after he was done organizing his pillows and the blankets and as soon as he did he pulled back the blankets and then draped them over himself and Jelani and got comfortable.

Both of them faced each other as they laid in bed, their eyes searched one another quietly. Angelus was on the verge of saying something though he held back as the more he looked at Jelani the more he looked like he wanted to say something as well. Angelus gently placed the palm of his hand on Jelani’s cheek and smiled as he saw his eyes soften the second he felt his hand on him. Eventually Angelus gave in and asked what he wanted to ask him, he was very well aware that it was a risk but he wanted to clear the air and let his feelings be known, he figured being clear, open and honest with Jelani was the best approach.

“Stay at Egret with me. Ginger and Jasmine gave me my own spot. You and Dagny can stay as long as you want. Bunker’s nice and all but I think it’d do you a lot of good to stay somewhere that’s not as isolating as this.”

“Why do you even bother with me?” Jelani asked. The question was born more out of genuine curiosity than out of pessimism though there was a hint of it. He figured Angelus or anyone else for that matter wouldn’t want to deal with someone as broken and as difficult as him. Seeing Angelus’ enthusiasm to stay with him was endearing, that fact was not lost on him, but he wondered why of all the people he could possibly pursue was he the one he wasted his time on.

“Because I like you. I really, really like you.” Angelus scolded himself internally, he wanted to be upfront with Jelani but he also knew he had to find a balance between being honest and being subtle so as to avoid overloading him and making him feel overwhelmed. It was too late though, he continued with what he wanted to say as he couldn’t take back what he just said. “From the very second I first saw you I almost tripped over myself. Remember that hit that I went with you? We were up on the highway and just talked for a while? I made a stupid joke and you smiled and I lost my shit. You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entire life–your smile, the way you carry yourself, your hair, your eyes–holy shit, your eyes are absolutely beautiful. It's like looking at a blue moon, your voice is so soothing even when you’re angry, when the sun hits your face and it highlights your skin I have to just stare. You are gorgeous; everything about you is. You proved it to me again today, anyone else would’ve been completely consumed by that much tragedy and here you are months later trying your best to survive no matter how much the odds stack up against you.”

Jelani didn’t say anything back, there was no way he could articulate any words after what he just heard. He wanted to hide his face and cry and given the fact that he was feeling vulnerable and sensitive he barely fought back as he began to tear up. He wanted to say something, anything but his mind was going far too fast for his mouth to form any words correctly. He wanted to tell him that he felt the same way, that he also liked him, loved the fact that he liked his dog and how comfortable he made him feel. How he’s virtually afraid of everyone and everything and yet when he was with him all those doubts and fears took a backseat and he could just exist and actually enjoy it for once. He wanted to tell him so much but the only thing he was able to do was wrap both arms around him and hug him as tightly as he could. He couldn’t hold back his tears any longer and cried. It was only with him that Jelani felt safe.

“Aw, honey, it’s okay. Don’t cry.” Angelus cooed as he hugged him back.

Both of them stayed still for a while, neither letting go of the other. They held each other and just breathed in each other as they took in the other’s warmth. The feeling of their bodies pressed against each other should’ve sent Jelani into a massive panic attack but it didn’t, he was aware of the constant contact but he actually wanted it so he was able to calm himself when he felt that all too familiar feeling of panic rising from within. He knew he was safe, he knew that if he needed Angelus to back away he would without question and that made him hug him tighter. He suddenly remembered what Angelus had asked him and while he was admittedly cautious and still a little doubtful that anyone would waste their time on something that had been ripped apart from the inside like he’d been. He pulled back enough to look at Angelus but still had both of their noses touching and their lips so close to each other he could practically taste him.

“Are you sure you want me to go with you?”

“If that’s what you want. I don’t wanna pressure you into anything you don’t want to do or feel ready to do. But yes, I do want you with me.”

Jelani looked at Angelus and wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him closer to him. As nervous as he was he pressed his lips against his and slightly tilted his head as he kissed him. Angelus moved his hands and out of instinct was going to place them on his hips but he quickly remembered that Jelani didn’t like being touched or grabbed by the hips so he moved his hands up and wrapped them around his upper torso and returned the kiss. A few seconds into the kiss Jelani gasped out of fear and began to tremble but continued to kiss Angelus anyway.

“It’s okay,” Angelus whispered into his mouth, “I’m not gonna hurt you, sweet pea.”

Jelani grabbed Angelus’s face with both hands and between kisses breathlessly said, “Ja, det gjør jeg. I wanna be wherever you are.”

#001022 #fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #fo: Dagny tag #Oracle Corp AU: Fallout

[callsignbaphomet]

Loke, Uthorim, Jelani and Angelus all sitting around a campfire in the wooded part of Egret Tours Marina overlooking the Red Rocket filling station turned diner. Loke and Uthorim recently married and both still feeling that tingling happy feeling in the pit of their stomachs. Neither of them able to stop smiling.

Jelani happy that he only had one but small panic attack that day and glad he felt okay now, the teddy bear Angelus gave him sitting comfortably on his lap in case he needs it. Angelus giddy that Lo, Uth and Jela spent some time that day trying to teach him how to read and train a little.

Dagny, Ayo and Bloodfang circling the four of them as they playfully chase each other. Dagny yipping at her two pups to encourage them to keep chasing her.

The four of them sharing snacks, tea, coffee and soda while warming themselves up by the fire and laugh as the pups keep running after Dagny. Occasionally looking at the rest of the settlers, some enjoying dinner, others on the dock dancing to songs they've heard over a hundred times, some on the side doing some night fishing.

Eventually Dagny and the pups get tired of running around so they lie around Jela and Angelus. Loke still confused as to how Jela managed to just get one to follow him home let alone get another for himself and one for his boyfriend but ever so grateful he did because that derpy little weird coyote-snake-dog thing had saved son's life more times than he cares to admit. Smiling as he sees Jelani sleepily lean on Angelus and Angelus wrapping an arm around him to make sure he's comfortable. Loke's smile getting bigger as he noticed Uthorim gently leaning on him as he wrapped both arms around his waist and Loke resting his head on his.

#this ain't writing‚ just putting thoughts down on paper...so to speak #fo: Loke tag #fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #Uthorim #au oc things #friend's oc #Uthorim/Loke

[callsignbaphomet]

Sometimes I unintentionally do shit ingame and it sparks an idea. Was running around with a combat knife in my inventory and instead of scrapping it I got an idea.

Uthorim saw that Angelus gave Jelani a combat knife that he stole from an Operator, who stole it from a Disciple, who stole it from an old raider who had it very locked away for very odd reasons. As a trained sniper Jelani doesn't do too well with CQC so Uthorim taught him several techniques and given his knowledge on anatomy he taught him where to slash for maximum damage output, for disarming and making sure the attacker cannot wield a weapon, or for scaring off without doing too much damage.

Apparently the knife has a long history and everyone is confused by it but they all shrug it off, especially Jelani who doesn't believe in anything that can't be scientifically proven.

#fo: Angelus tag #fo: Jelani tag #Uthorim #friend's oc #au oc things

[callsignbaphomet]

I'm really bad at describing the inside of buildings. Really. Really. Bad.

So I have to sketch it out and use it as a reference when writing said building or else I tend to get lost.

Did that very thing with the bunker from the three shorts I posted.

That bunker is based on a mod I used back when I played Fallout 4 on the XB1 and sadly I haven't been able to find the mod. The inside is a sort of mash of two different mods I used at one point.

The bunker (in my lore) was a bunker owned by some government stooge (hence the title of the old holotape Angelus used lol). When Varg started exploring the Commonwealth he found the bunker, cleaned it up, fixed it and would stay there when he was too tired to trek back to the Northern Star. After he befriended Jelani he gave him the keys to the bunker and let him stay there for as long as he wanted. Place was lacking a few things so everything else was stuff Jelani found and brought it in after a VERY METICULOUS DEEP CLEANING.

After permanently moving in with Angelus to Egret (honestly this is my most favorite settlement <3) he gave the keycard back to Varg though he told him to hold on to it just in case. Varg likes to visit the boys from time to time as he grew really fond of Jelani and Angelus.

#fo: Jelani tag #fo: Varg tag #fo: Angelus tag #Oracle Corp AU: Fallout

[callsignbaphomet]

Despite the fact that in game one of the first things I do is install the Tactical Tablet I still want something as iconic as a pip-boy to be present. I mentioned this several months back but Loke comes across an old, beat up and broken pip-boy that he managed to fix and at least get it to turn on. He then gave it to Jelani to see if he could get the software working again which he was able to.

Uthorim found some old holotapes games and gave them to Loke and ever since the four of them can occasionally be seen playing games on it.

#fo: Loke tag #Uthorim #friend's oc #fo: Angelus tag #fo: Jelani tag

[callsignbaphomet]

You know what I always thought would be adorable? Like if Angelus got his hands on a recorder from any of the merchants and a buttload of holotapes.

(I don't know, I assume holotapes are used for everything.)

So he runs around taping almost everything and the sillier the better. Most of it is Dagny, Ayo and Bloodfang playing around or during training sessions. The boys doing, well, anything and he just records them. Lo finds a working camera and gives it to him and now no one gets a moment's peace lol.

#fo: Angelus tag

[callsignbaphomet]

NSFW Ask Game

• What is your OC's sexual orientation? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Gay

• At What age did they realize that they were said orientation? ꕥ Oracle: I wanna say late 20s when he realized that his attraction was only to those of his same gender. Not to mention his obsession with Jelani who was (at that time) his same gender.

ꕥ Fallout: Around 10.

ꕥ Skyrim: He says he's been gay his whole life. So really, really young.

• Did they have an experience they considered their "sexual awakening?" ꕥ Oracle: When he was 80 (iirc) he and Jelani were talking and he said he'd never kissed anyone so he didn't know how. Jela volunteered to show him. I know it sounds like Jela was making a move but at that time he was in no way, shape or form sexually or romantically interested in him...until after that kiss. Anyway, that was like a flip being switched in Angelus.

ꕥ Fallout: During his midteens when he met a guy who'd be his boyfriend for a brief time.

ꕥ Skyrim: Early teens.

• Do they tend to lean towards people with a vagina or one with a dick when seeking sexual partners? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout: He's a really big fan of dick but a lack of a dick isn't gonna stop him.

ꕥ Skyrim: He doesn't care.

• How often do they masturbate? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout: A FUCKING LOT! LIKE WAY TOO GODDAMN MUCH.

ꕥ Skyrim: Sometimes. For the most time if he's got a need he's got a little bat he can use whenever he feels like it.

• Do they ever use toys while masturbating? ꕥ Oracle: Oh, yeah, he's a huge fan of fantasy and monster shaped dildos. The more colorful the better and bonus points if it has glitter. He likes stuffing his mouth, ass and pussy while he jerks off. *Remember, he's intersex. XXY*

ꕥ Fallout: Yeah, he does. Has a few dildos in his and Jela's room.

ꕥ Skyrim: Yeah, all 3 of Jelani's holes.

• Do they ever use toys during sex? ꕥ Oracle: Absolutely! He has this double headed dildo he and Jela use. Not to mention all the things he has for his and Jela and Trevor's tactical/military kink.

ꕥ Fallout: Yeap. He sometimes uses double strap-ons on Jelani and sometimes likes to make him gag on toys. His favorite is a double strap-on.

ꕥ Skyrim: Yes, he does. He'll often use a toy for double penetration. Cock in pussy + toy in ass = a very pleased but dead little bat.

• Do they prefer ass, tits, thighs, shoulders, or something else entirely as a characteristic they find attractive in others? ꕥ Oracle: He's kind of into the whole body, specifically all the parts that he knows makes his partner kinda lose their shit when done anything to and he has a very good memory for that.

ꕥ Fallout: Honestly? Ass and genitals.

ꕥ Skyrim: Same as Oracle.

• How vocal are they during sex? ꕥ Oracle: He whines and whimpers and screams a lot. I mean a lot! He's not one to talk much, not even while topping, unless he's like "gone off the deep end" or he's drunk or tipsy or high. He does check up on Jela a lot when they get into some of the more extreme things like biting with fangs, cutting with blades or claws or using guns or other extreme acts.

ꕥ Fallout: Extremely vocal. Like the only time he ever shuts the fuck up is when he's shoving his tongue down Jela's throat or sucking him off. However, it's not always lewd. When he can tell Jelani's about to panic but keeps telling Angelus not to stop he's very reassuring and praises him a lot. He checks in a lot too so he can make sure Jelani feels safe during.

ꕥ Skyrim: Oh, yeah, he's condescending as fuck and really into humiliation...towards Jela. Nothing cruel though. He likes to praise but it's a kind of praise that in a way boosts his ego.

• How well do they communicate with their sexual partners? ꕥ Oracle: Very well. He understands the importance of it, not to mention he's always been able to communicate flawlessly with Jelani and Trevor.

ꕥ Fallout: He used to just know it was important but since meeting Jelani and given his past he's hyper aware of just how important it really is. He'll communicate very clearly with Jelani before, during and after to make sure he's comfortable with anything and everything they do. He makes sure to ask before he does anything and very clearly communicates what he feels like doing or feels like having Jela do to him. He checks in a lot on Jela as well.

ꕥ Skyrim: He likes to be very open and clear about what they do and likes to make sure Jela's okay with it. Despite how he is he is exceptional with aftercare and he’s very sweet and attentive.

• Are they strictly monogamous or do they have a more open relationship? ꕥ Oracle: This is hard to define. He and Jelani are married, they don't wanna add anyone else into the marriage and neither likes the idea of an open marriage. However, both of them frequently have threesomes with Trevor to the point where it's super common, hence why I sometimes use the tag Jelani/Angelus/Trevor. Both of them know and respect the fact that Trevor is aromantic and he couldn't possibly have romantic feelings for either of them. That doesn't stop the fact that both Angelus and Jelani have some pretty strong feelings towards Trevor, not romantic feelings though. Sometimes Angelus will have sex with just Trevor and sometimes Jelani will have sex with just Trevor but it is ALWAYS communicated beforehand. It's kind of an unofficial throuple but Trevor's just in it for the sex and all three are content that way. Sometimes Angelus and Jelani will have a different person come in, someone they both choose and agree upon. So I don't really know how to categorize them.

ꕥ Fallout: He's been known to have several boyfriends at once. Is currently only with Jelani, I personally feel like they'll stay like this for a long time for reasons I'll get into when I do this for Jelani's post. In this AU Angelus is poly but he won't die if it's not followed through.

ꕥ Skyrim: Sort of the same as Oracle. Monogamous but he and Jela will add someone to the mix solely for the sex but they don't have an open relationship. Whoever is added in is talked about and both need to be comfortable with the person and trust them.

• If they have an open/poly relationship, do they have any boundaries for people they, or their partner(s), want to be with? ꕥ Oracle: Like I said before. They're monogamous but they do bring people in sometimes but their marriage is not open. So I'm gonna skip this one as I feel it doesn't count.

ꕥ Fallout: For now neither he or Jelani are with anyone else. If someone comes around and they're interested in Jelani, Angelus is gonna go full guard dog but ONLY because of Jela's circumstances, trauma and past. He'd wanna make sure that person won't hurt him, will understand that Jelani has some baggage and if they can't deal with that he'll make sure they move the fuck on. As for other partners for himself, like I said he's not interested in anyone else at the moment. He wants to fully and solely focus on Jela. IF someone comes along they have to 100,000% understand that if Jelani's having a bad day and needs him he'll drop anything and everything to make sure he's okay.

ꕥ Skyrim: Same as the Oracle answer.

• Have they ever had sex with multiple people? ꕥ Oracle: Yeah, one time after a joint op with another branch. Was him, Jelani, Trevor, Radek, AJ, Axl, and Mahmud.

ꕥ Fallout: It was him, his first boyfriend and his boyfriend's two other boyfriends.

ꕥ Skyrim: Not yet.

• How many people/partners have they had sex with at once? I feel like this question is similar to the previous one so look at the previous one for the answer to this one.

• Would they ever want to have sex with multiple people at once?ꕥ Oracle, Fallout: He has.

ꕥ Skyrim: He does.

• Top 5 kinks ꕥ Oracle: biting, military/tactical, cnc, breeding (being bred and doing the breeding himself), edging.

ꕥ Fallout: biting, breeding, blood, (doing) light humiliation, edging.

ꕥ Skyrim: edging, humiliation, wax play, bondage, breeding.

• Weirdest place they've had sex? ꕥ Oracle: on top of an APC (armored personnel carrier) inside a CPD (controlled portal dimension).

ꕥ Fallout: Inside a vault. Vault 75 to be exact.

ꕥ Skyrim: Volkihar Keep.

• Preferred position? ꕥ Oracle: Doggy. Mainly because that position is really painful if penetrated vaginally. It's fine, he's very into pain. Given the fact that Jelani is very and I mean very thick, he likes that position with him.

ꕥ Fallout: Depends. If he feels like being penetrated he usually goes for the amazon position. He still gets penetrated but because of the position it can appear and feel like he's the one fucking Jelani. When he doesn't feel like being penetrated he's a fan of missionary 'cause he likes making out with Jela while fucking him and looking at him.

ꕥ Skyrim: He's sitting and Jela is straddling his lap facing him but also a fan of Jela on top because it gives him control.

• Do they like to take charge in the bedroom? ꕥ Oracle: See, as time goes on and he tops more he's been finding he actually likes topping his husband and especially likes it when he and Trevor get to tag team and completely destroy Jelani. I was actually gonna make a post about this. Jelani's been integral in Angelus finding his confidence in every aspect of his life for centuries so when he was curious to try and take charge in the bedroom Jelani was more than happy to cheer him on and be willing to let him and it's done wonders for his confidence and self-esteem.

ꕥ Fallout: Yes! Absolutely he does. Strictly a top and likes being in charge.

ꕥ Skyrim: Same as the Fallout AU.

• How do they feel about oral? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Loooooooooves it. Loves getting it and giving it.

• Do they like to watch or be watched? ꕥ Oracle: Watched. He's way more hands on. He'll watch a little, like for example watching Trevor have his way with Jela as he warms up but if he's in there he's gonna wanna get in.

ꕥ Fallout, Skyrim: Being watched secretly makes him lose his shit ESPECIALLY if the person(s) is watching who he's fucking. Kind of like in a "Ha! I'm fucking what you want and can't have!"

• How shy are they with new sexual partners? ꕥ Oracle: A bit. Has a lot of self image issues but once he gets comfortable he forgets he's shy and goes for it. Never had that problem with Jela or Trevie.

ꕥ Fallout, Skyrim: Not at all.

• Do they like being restrained? ꕥ Oracle: 100%! Yes, he does. Drives him a little nuts.

ꕥ Fallout: Not really. Is willing to try it but eh.

ꕥ Skyrim: Not at all. He likes to have full control.

• Do they enjoy double penetration of any kind? ꕥ Oracle: Yes! Both receiving it and doing it. Though he likes receiving it a bit more, again he's very into pain. That feeling of being stretched out pushes him over the edge. Though he has to admit the feeling of his and Trevor's cocks rubbing together while they're both inside Jelani drives him fucking mental.

ꕥ Fallout: Oh, yeah, he does it every once in a while when Jela feels up to it.

ꕥ Skyrim: Yes, he does. Especially with how much it makes Jela whimper.

• How often are they unsure of what they want in the bedroom? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout: Never really. He knows what he likes and can get a bit demanding. On the rare occasion that he's unsure he just lets Jela and/or Trevor do whatever they want to him.

ꕥ Skyrim: He's very intentional when it comes to sex so going in he's well aware of what he wants done to himself or do to Jelani.

• Do they like to be called degrading names (slut, whore, etc.) during sex? ꕥ Oracle: Holy fuck, yes! His favorite is whore and has memorized all the other ways in different languages Jelani calls him "my little whore".

ꕥ Fallout: Slut does it for him. Call him a slut and watch/feel him get tighter and wetter.

ꕥ Skyrim: He gets off on that, use any and all on him!

• Do they like to be called pet names during sex? ꕥ Oracle: Puppy, good boy, god gutt, god valp, kijana mzuri, hvelpr. Basically any iteration of the words puppy, good puppy or good boy in any of the 13 languages Jelani knows.

ꕥ Fallout: Okay so ever since he and Jelani became close and involved he's called Angelus min skatt, min kjærlighet and so on. Basically terms of endearment but in Norwegian and he honestly took a liking to it. He basically asked him to only talk to him in Norwegian while they fuck. He asked him what skatt and kjær(e) and the others mean and found it endearing to the point that he melts.

ꕥ Skyrim: As rough as he likes it he also has a soft spot for softer things while he fucks. Snowberry is his favorite for very personal reasons.

• Are they into body worship? ꕥ Oracle: It's complicated. He's okay when only certain parts of him are "worshiped" but not all of him. But hey, he doesn't like to be a downer when it's something so harmless and his husband is being so genuine about it so he lets it slide, he just doesn't believe someone would actually feel that way. Again, it's his insecurities. He will 100% do the worshiping himself, good goddamn is he good at it. He can make even the biggest egos blush with the way he does it.

ꕥ Fallout: He loves to do it and be on the receiving end especially since Jela's 100% aware of the fact that he has some bottom dysphoria so he knows what words to avoid and which ones to enforce.

ꕥ Skyrim: Equal parts loves getting it and giving it. He's sorta vain with a massive ego and really appreciates bodies--big, small, skinny, fat, tall, short--just bodies overall so he's really into the worship of the body.

• Do they like to be praised? ꕥ Oracle: Yes! Especially when he's bottoming. He feels like bottoming is his forté and is in fact really good at taking Jela and/or Trevor. Not to mention that while he does have his moments where he likes to be a total pillow princess he's really active and agile and flexible with a ton of stamina so he gets off on being praised by the guys. He's been learning to let go too and when he tops he'll do the praising too.

ꕥ Fallout: He likes it but he prefers to do the praising himself.

ꕥ Skyrim: Equal parts being praised and doing the praising.

• How bratty are they? ꕥ Oracle: Extremely bratty. He knows damn well that being a brat gets Jelani going so he gives it his all.

ꕥ Fallout: Pretty bratty but in a reverse sort of way if that makes sense.

ꕥ Skyrim: Extremely but not in a sexual way.

• What's the best way to get them aroused? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: That bitch is ALWAYS aroused. A glance, a word or even a subtle touch and he's ready.

• Are they into pain play? ꕥ Oracle: Yes, he is! Holy shit that man is very into pain. Like I said at the beginning his very favorite position is doggy because it causes him a lot of pain and he gets off on that. Lately he's found that inflicting pain arouses him especially when biting though he has to be careful because normal werewolves have a crazy strong bite force (somewhere between 6,090 to 7,020 psi), however, Angelus's bite force is 7,110 psi so he could easily break Jelani's arm if he's not careful. When he bites down on Jela he kinda uses a soft mouth that's enough to cause considerable pain and draw blood but not enough to cause agony or break bones. He draws the line at breaking bones.

ꕥ Fallout, Skyrim: He's into inflicting it but in a tame way, you know, nothing too out there. He'll be okay with being in pain but he's not too crazy about that.

• Are they into breath or knife play? ꕥ Oracle: Both. Loves to be choked when he's cumming as it makes it all the more intense. The feeling of a blade sliding across his inner thighs makes him lose his mind and makes him all the more needy.

ꕥ Fallout, Skyrim: Both though he prefers to do it not have it done to him.

• What's the most adventurous thing they've tried during sex? ꕥ Oracle: Couple of things. Lately Jela's been more into some extreme shit like being actually stabbed while being fucked which Angelus is okay with so long as it's done carefully to avoid certain veins and organs, not to mention that blood arouses werewolves so it's like a weird high for him and Trevor to see him bleeding while they both fuck him. They tend to not be able to hold themselves back and go right for licking the wound. Participating in some heavy CNC where he and/or Trevor strangle Jelani hard enough to cause him to pass out and then they fuck him or drug him and he's out for hours which allows Trevor and Angelus plenty of time to do whatever they want with and to him. Like I said before, all three of them have really good communication as well as a very specific word for stopping what they're doing so if any of them don't feel right about something they use that word and regroup. Yes, Jelani is very well aware of the risks. Yes, he consents to everything beforehand and everything is talked about before anyone does anything. Angelus has also had double anal fisting done on him.

ꕥ Fallout: Vaginal and anal fisting at the same time.

ꕥ Skyrim: Got fucked by Jela in vampire lord form. Will never admit it to anyone ever but was actually intimidated.

• Have they tried something adventurous that they ended up disliking? ꕥ Oracle and Fallout: Being double fisted. One fist at a time sure but two in the same hole? Eh....not for him.

ꕥ Skyrim: Nothing yet.

• Have they tried something adventurous that they ended up liking more than expected? ꕥ Oracle: The heavy CNC and the stabbing. The smell and sight of the blood was all kinds of erotic to him. Being fucked by Jelani while he's in his deity form, being fucked by Trevor while he's in werewolf form and he's in human form. Fucking Jela while in werewolf form and Jela's in human form.

ꕥ Fallout: Being fisted.

ꕥ Skyrim: Jela fucking him in vampire lord form.

• Do they prefer the lights on or off? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: He's fine with either.

• Gentle sex or rough sex? ꕥ Oracle: Both but leans more towards rough.

ꕥ Fallout: Used to be all about rough sex but with Jelani he's had to slow down and has actually found that gentleness can be really nice and has taken a real liking to it.

ꕥ Skyrim: Equally both.

• Do they prefer quickies or long sessions? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Both.

• Do they enjoy having sex multiple times in one day? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: As many times as he possibly can especially if he's really sore. Being penetrated when he's really sore and swollen drives him up the wall! This man is hypersexual, he'd be having sex all day everyday until he passes out from exhaustion if he could.

• Do they classify any particular type of sex as "love making"? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: He absolutely hates that phrase and never uses it for anything sexual he does or partakes in.

• Top 5 turn ons ꕥ Oracle: Breeding, exhibitionist, being passed around, blood, eating ass.

ꕥ Fallot: Breeding, exhibitionist, blood, eating ass, rubbing his clit on cock and/or head.

ꕥ Skyrim: Breeding, exhibitionist, eating pussy and/or ass, sucking on tongue, hearing his partner moan.

• Top 5 turn offs ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Vomit, scat, spit, hitting others, actually putting into practice extreme mutilation.

• Is there any particular place they like to have special attention paid to (nipples, clit, g-spot, etc.)? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Nipples, ass, throat, torso. Honestly he’s all about tactile sensation so he’s a full body kind of person.

• Do they ever need a certain kind of stimulation in order to get off? ꕥ Oracle: Getting his partner(s) off does it for him, hearing the moans and cries really stimulates him. Being grabbed anywhere while he gets fucked. Being told what to do, how to do it, who to do it to if there’s more than one person, and being told he’s gonna be bred. His thing is mostly auditory with commands and demands as well. But the thing that beats all else out of the water is scent, as a werewolf his olfactory senses are 100x stronger than anything else on this planet and that includes other werewolf breeds. He constantly smells Jela while they fuck ESPECIALLY when Angelus fucks him to take in his scent which causes a lot of stimulation and arousal. Basically Jelani’s scent drives him fucking insane, along with inhaling his scent he’ll lick the inside of his mouth though that’s kind of when he’s so overstimulated from arousal that he (again this is a werewolf thing) reverts to a somewhat feral state. Fucking a werewolf can be super fun but it does carry a tiny bit of a risk.

ꕥ Fallout: Getting his clit rubbed. That’ll have him squirting in almost seconds.

ꕥ Skyrim: Watching his partner getting off. He’ll make you look at him while you cum.

• Have they faked an orgasm? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Nope. Check the enthusiasm question below for a better answer.

• Do they prefer multiple orgasms or are they one and done? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Multiple. He’s gonna wanna cum until it is physically impossible for him to do it.

• Do they like a certain kind of aftercare more than others? ꕥ Oracle: For himself if he was the one subjected to a rougher session he likes to take a warm bubble bath, grabs his favorite blanket, some chocolate milk with a few snacks while Jela brushes his hair and they both watch a movie, watch YouTube videos while cuddling. If he was the one doing the roughing up, especially the more brutal activities he likes to take care of any wounds, will help Jela move around if he needs it and will wash and brush his hair. Will wrap him up in his favorite blanket ‘cause he likes to share it with him, will have snacks, drinks (lots of water), and will either watch a movie or YT or whatever he feels like while cuddling and making sure he’s okay. It’s more for Angelus but some of the more extreme acts can be draining on an emotional level afterwards and he wants to make sure Jela’s okay in every sense of the word so Jelani reassuring him that he was okay with everything that was done to him was okay and that everything is okay between them. Despite the fun they had, he's still his husband and the love of his life so he needs to hear him say that everything is okay and that he isn’t a bad person for doing what Jela asked for.

ꕥ Fallout: This one’s a bit more involved because he’s mostly the one doing most of the acts on Jela and anything rough isn’t really extreme by any means but he’s fine with a lot of love bombing from Jela and cuddles and kisses. When he’s the one doing the after care he really makes sure that Jelani is okay and I don’t mean just physically. Whatever he needs he’ll provide in the blink of an eye. A lot of times it’s mostly just Angelus cuddling Jela while both either stay in bed or go to one of their favorite spots in the area and sit in silence feeling each other’s heart beats.

ꕥ Skyrim: Same as the Oracle one except for the modern elements. He will spoil the ever loving hell out of that little bat.

• How enthusiastic are they with their partners? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Extremely. To him sex is a fun and exciting activity that’s pretty high up there with things he likes to do so he gives it his all which includes enthusiasm and excitement from his part. He loves it too much to be dishonest about his feelings towards it or the person(s) involved. Also you just cannot get this man to fake anything because if he doesn’t want to he will not.

• What do they consider foreplay? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Sucking dick, eating ass and/or pussy, fingering, heavy petting while making out.

• Do they consider foreplay essential? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Yes! Both giving it and getting it.

• How much foreplay do they like to have? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: To the point of him not being able to hold back any longer. It can take 3 minutes, 5 minutes or maybe even 10 depending on what he’s doing or what’s being done to him.

• Do they prefer to call it fucking, having sex, sleeping together, or something different? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Fucking but sometimes will use "having sex".

• Do they enjoy flings/hook-ups with no strings attached? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Yes.

• Have they ever had sex with a friend that caused the relationship to change? ꕥ Oracle: Oh, boy...yeah, Jelani. His infatuation for him grew to a crush when he was in his late teens and then when he learned more about those weird feelings he had he realized he was in love with him but he never said anything for a million different reasons. Then that kiss he and Jela shared kind of solidified his feelings for him to the point of obsession wrapped in desperation to have him. However, he still refused to say anything and he preferred to have him as a friend than to not have him at all. But then when he was over 100 years old he and Jelani fucked which made everything so much worse because 1) that was his first time and it was far better than he had hoped and expected and 2) it made the aching and wanting sooooooo much worse. For a while he put a little bit of distance between himself and Jelani in the hopes that it would just stop but it only made him miserable and Jelani was sorta trying to get closer to him. Years later they fucked again and it just kept complicating shit for him because he just falling more and more in love with him. But hey it worked out in the end. Just took over 120 years…

ꕥ Fallout: Not really, no.

ꕥ Skyrim: Not that I can think of.

• Have they ever had sex with a friend and it didn't alter their relationship? ꕥ Oracle: Yeah, Trevor, Mahmud and a few others.

ꕥ Fallout: Radek. At one point he even had a crush on him but it didn't really develop any further than just a crush.

ꕥ Skyrim: Not really.

• How do they feel about dirty talk? ꕥ Oracle: Loves it though he isn’t as vocal in that sense but will participate if asked to and he’s comfortable with it. Loves hearing it though!

ꕥ Fallout: He loves to do a lot of dirty talking, he can be a bit creative when it comes to tone and expressions.

ꕥ Skyrim: Same as Fallout but he especially gets off on that given his background and the way he carries himself in the streets. You’d never guess the fucked up foul ass shit that man can come up with.

• How likely are they to use dirty talk? ꕥ Oracle: Not really his thing but if he trusts the person and doesn’t feel self-conscious around them he will if asked of him.

ꕥ Fallout, Skyrim: Abso-freaking-lutely!

• Are they easily aroused? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Extremely! That man is, like, aroused 24/7/365!

• What, if anything, do they fantasize about when they masturbate? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: First and foremost it’s Jelani. Other people, scenarios in which he’d like to find himself in, things he wants to try out or do again, replaying something in his head that made him absolutely lose his mind, other weird scenarios he wouldn’t actually do or partake in but as a fantasy he’s okay with.

• Do they ever fantasize or space out during sex, or are they more in the moment? ꕥ Oracle: There’s no subtle way of saying this so let’s just say it, if he’s getting dicked down and it’s hitting all the right spots and everything aligns perfectly he’s gonna turn into a drooling mostly unresponsive mess where he’ll even go silent. He’s just gone. Lights are on but the house is empty sorta thing. No thoughts, just cock drunk af. As for fantasizing not anymore. Before he and Jelani were officially a thing he fucked around a lot and to be honest he would fantasize that he was being fucked by Jelani which pretty much landed him in hot water once or a couple of times when he yelled out his name instead of the guy that was fucking him at the time. Unless they’re both roleplaying, he gets really into it.

ꕥ Fallout: Kind of the same as Oracle except he’s the one doing the dicking down, however, instead of going unresponsive he just gets feral the closer he is to cumming. Would fantasize all the time about a million different things, just depended on mood and who he was fucking.

ꕥ Skyrim: Same as Fallout.

• How comfortable are they talking about sex when outside the bedroom/in public? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Very. Like I said, to him sex is a very fun and exciting activity and to be honest his very favorite thing to do with people he likes or loves so talking about it naturally feels natural.

• Are they comfortable with discussing sex in general with strangers? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Absolutely!

• How much PDA are they comfortable with? ꕥ Oracle: Any. Used to be very uncomfortable with even the slightest but again Jelani has been a key figure in boosting his confidence. He took to heart what Jelani has always said, "If the straights are allowed to do that so can my faggot ass". Don't think they're gonna be rubbing on each other in the middle of the mall though, come on, use some common sense.

ꕥ Fallout: A lot. However, he adheres to what Jelani is comfortable with.

ꕥ Skyrim: He was raised really prim and proper so the most you'll see when around other people is very PG rated displays. Buuuuut that doesn't mean he won't do other things while cleverly disguising himself and Jelani so that others can't see.

• Are they willing to try things they're indifferent to if it's something their partner wants to try? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Definitely! Trying new things is his favorite thing to do!

• Do they have a "type" when it comes to sexual partners? ꕥ Oracle: As long as they're taller and bigger than him he's good to go. Masc as well though not mandatory.

ꕥ Fallout: Not really.

ꕥ Skyrim: Smaller than him and extra points if femme.

• Do they have any anxiety around having sex with someone new?

ꕥ Oracle: Sorta. Like I mentioned before he has self image issues (they're not as prevalent as they used to be) and he's very well aware that some people can be super ignorant about some of his physical traits. He has both male and female genitals (and a unicornuate that means he was born with half a uterus and it's sliiiiiightly smaller than normal and while pregnancy is very difficult it’s still something he has to keep in mind and be careful with). So yeah, he gets nervous about it because some people just seriously suck. Also don't think for one second that his self image issues are tied to his being intersex. Not at all. He actually thinks it's one of the few perfect parts of himself. The self image thing is something else.

ꕥ Fallout: Nah. This version of Angelus is extremely confident.

ꕥ Skyrim: Same as above though he's probably far more confident here if that's even possible lol.

• How attuned to their partner's needs are they? ꕥ Oracle, Fallout, Skyrim: Extremely! As a hypersexual person he loves to get off but he also loves to make his partner(s) get off and wants every single time to be better than the last. He’s very calculating and experiments a lot, he pays attention to what his partner(s) like and don’t like while they fuck and even likes communicating it and talking things through which is something he picked up from Jelani. He’s a pleaser and an enabler and will go, willingly, beyond his own comforts to make sure his partner(s) have a good time. He’s also very aware of what his partner(s) do not like or feel uncomfortable with so as to never make them feel ill at ease.

• Do they have anything that they once considered a squick but is now a turn on? ꕥ Oracle: Watersports. He wasn’t crazy about the idea until he hooked up with another werewolf back in the late 90s and let’s just say the canine instinct kicked in pretty hard after trying it out a few times. He’ll try most anything once tbh–WITHIN REASON OF COURSE–and he found he kinda liked it in a dom/sub sorta sense. Not to mention the whole marking territory thing werewolves are kinda crazy about. He’ll partake with anyone but the only one in this entire planet that’s allowed to fill him up with urine anally is his husband of course, again going back to the whole marking territory sort of thing. It drives him nuts ‘cause he sees and feels it like his husband is claiming him as his property.

ꕥ Fallout: Same as above except for the entire werewolf thing.

ꕥ Skyrim: Sharing his partner. It’s still not something he’ll do often but on those days he feels a little more adventurous, yeah, sure. Especially when he takes his little bat back when he knows the other person didn’t get to finish and make them watch while he fucks him and finishes.

#Howling in Heat #Angelus tag #fo: Angelus tag #tes: Angelus tag

[callsignbaphomet]

I said I wanted to do it so I did. Couldn't sleep so did two playlists of Valp and Jela, Fallout versions of course.

Angelus's

Jela's

I'm especially happy with this one. Has several songs that are really personal. One is really weird for someone who's a very stern atheist but the vibe was so very him that I had to include it.

#fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #oc playlist

[callsignbaphomet]

Okay, like I previously said Fallout version of Angelus is wild to me.

Btw TW for heavy subjects talked about here.

I like exploring different sides to them all in different AUs and Fallout is no different. Also, like I said in a post any info on them prior to 2023 when it comes to this AU is null and void. All that info is either eliminated or retconned.

Also I'm gonna try and better the tag system for better organization. Kinda got something in mind.

Anyway, I like writing and playing this version of Angelus 'cause it let's me explore a side to Angelus that the Oracle (Oracle is the original btw) version just doesn't have.

Oracle Angelus had a rough start. He suffered every type of abuse and my fucking gods do I mean EVERY TYPE OF ABUSE from as early as 1-year-old up to 13 or 14. Pretty much a little over a decade of nonstop physical, emotional and psychological torture. He did NOT get out of that unscathed. The trauma of it all still clings to him to this day. Had he been human he would've died like at 2, if he would've survived he would've been completely deformed and disfigured. But he's a werewolf so he somehow survived. Physically he has three scares from when his abusers tried to kill him. Two of the scars are from being shot in the chest and the third one is from being stabbed through the heart with a silver dagger. He actually scared which is basically impossible for a born werewolf but because his abusers never let him consume human hearts his immune system never developed. He even got fevers from infections. Anyway, it wasn't a good time for him and because of it a lot of mental problems arouse from it. He has C-PTSD, bipolar disorder, depression, severe anxiety, the abuse exacerbated his ADHD and also caused him to develop a severe eating disorder and it's not some cute and quirky "oh ha ha i'll just pick at this salad i gotta watch my weight ha ha." No, this man legit will starve himself as punishment because if he makes a mistake he thinks he deserves to be punished. He will actually layer on clothes so Jelani doesn't notice any weight loss but Jelani is always on top of that. They constantly check in on him and help him through it. He has some good days, some bad days and some catastrophic days but regardless he tries his best. He does have his moments of unfiltered confidence and times where he's shown he's very sure of himself and shown strength.

That's why I have this appreciation for the AUs because like for example the Fallout one he didn't have a messed up upbringing. Yeah, there's the whole being sold and the transphobic grandmother thing but it didn't affect him. He's cocky as hell, doesn't really take much of anything serious, in party mode almost 24/7, he's loud, explosive, confident, loves to eat, is extroverted, not insecure at all, no mental illnesses, rowdy, little bit selfish, morally gray and ambiguous, an absolute lil shit but with a good heart and more of a leader than a follower. Fallout Angelus is the extreme opposite of Oracle Angelus and it really puts Angelus as a whole into this perspective that I otherwise wouldn't have had a chance to explore this side of him if it weren't for this AU.

I was NOT kidding when I said Fallout Jelani kind of took the role of Oracle Angelus. He was very similar to Angelus but then he was assaulted (I know I put a tw warning but this is not a word I throw around so freely given that it's super charged. Not sure if anyone actually reads any OC posts aside from Arcade but still) and you know, it was a brutal and traumatic event and not even a month later he witnessed his father "die" which made shit far worse and this is post-apocalyptic America. Where in the blue fuck is he gonna find a therapist to work that trauma out? Fallout Jelani is pretty much Oracle Angelus.

And that was covering some aspects. In terms of sexuality he's still very much gay. I think that'll be the only aspect about him that'll never change. In Oracle he was born a male but he's actually intersex (both genitals and half a uterus, it sooooooorta works), on top of that he has a bit of a feminine body. He's very androgynous looking. In Fallout he was born a female and transitioned to male. In Oracle he's strictly a bottom HOWEVER, if Jelani (he's a switch and both subs and doms) asks he will absolutely top him because he feels 100,000% safe and secure with him. In Fallout he's 100% strictly a top while Jelani is 100% strictly a bottom. And he enjoys the fuck out of dominating Jelani.

Honestly this version of him is really fun. Oracle will always be Oracle but these AUs are so fun to explore different sides to all my characters.

#Angelus tag #fo: Angelus tag

[callsignbaphomet]

@apothecaryforwearysouls

Goddamn, these are so appropriate. You really get it/them. Like, I know I say it a lot but it's because you do!

Yeah, their first kiss (both couples) are wildly different.

I like to think of Loke and Uthorim's as really tender but cautious. Both men found a reason to let their guard down and initially it's a little tense but it melts between them especially when they realize they can just unclench around and with each other. Like Loke didn't trust anyone and felt like he had a target on his back for years and with Uth that sick feeling was gone. That first kiss between 'em and how he felt afterwards was the first time he realized he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

Jelani and Angelus was not as smooth as either of them would've hoped. Angelus is very (and by the gods do I mean very) hypersexual. To him the whole thing is just fun and games. At some point Jelani thought the same way but not after what happened. Physical forms of gratitude and affection are the way Angelus expresses himself and since Jela had practically saved his life the second time they ran into each other he went for it not knowing of Jelani's trauma. So that first kiss was more like Angelus thinking he was gonna get laid and Jelani scared out of his goddamn mind thinking it was gonna happen again. But, I like to think that their real first kiss was when they told each other how they felt about each other and that kiss was this mix of gentle, tender and emotional as hell. Angelus has never had to put much thought behind any of it but that particular kiss was different, like he actually cared about him and was cautious (this was after Jela did this massive trauma dumping on him after a massive panic attack followed by a break down that led to him trying to kill himself a second time) because he knew what was wrong with him and he didn't wanna hurt 'im. This was the first time someone touched Jelani and he didn't panic and didn't feel the need to scratch and scrub where he was touched because it always felt like hot needles on his skin and for once in almost a year he felt he could just breathe and nothing bad would happen to him.

#fo: Loke tag #Uthorim #fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #fo: Jelani/Angelus #friend's oc #au oc things

[callsignbaphomet]

Can we have a conversation about trans people in Fallout? Like, very specifically about trans men in Fallout? 'Cause Angelus is trans and I feel like I brush off a lot of details about his transness due to the setting and its limitations.

He was born a girl and around his pre-teens he was like, "Yeah, fuck this garbage." Now, he originally lived with his mom 'cause his dad dipped and then bugged out and it was just the two of 'em. His mom was totally supportive and shit. Certain things happened and he ended up living with his grandmother who was an absolute piece of shit and a year later through some nefarious means he ended up living with some old raider turned mercenary who actually turned out to be a pretty decent human being and accepted Angelus in every way. So you got this fucking kid going around in some old town in the south of post-apocalypse USA with multiple boyfriends and being outrageously gay as fuck all.

Fortunately when puberty hit it didn't hit so hard, he wasn't very curvy and he barely had any tits to begin with but they were still there, he knew they were there and it made him super uncomfortable and made him rage. So what do you do in that situation? You bind! How? He MacGyver'd his own binder with the help of one of his boyfriends and a friend. Sure, it took a long time to perfect it but it got the job done and he was super happy with it. I don't know much if anything at all about textiles so bear with my dumb ass here. They managed to sew several hardened pieces of cloth together sorta shaping it in a tube fashion. They used gauze application as an inspiration for it, which is super rare to find and that's why they didn't use gauze itself and the one time he just used duct tape it ended pretty badly and painfully. So this binder was supposed to be like a bra that was smaller than what he'd usually have to wear and it got the job done.

Now, did he have any bottom dysphoria? Nope! He enjoyed having a pussy for the time being...which he later put to good use. The merc that he was living with noticed he was wearing more clothes and baggier to hide the tits and he outright asked him if he wanted to get rid of them which Angelus was like, "You can get rid of these fucking things???" So the ol' merc asked a doctor living in town about it and both agreed on a price which the merc saved up enough caps for and Angelus got 'em chopped off.

Angelus lived with the old merc until he disappeared when Angelus was 21-years-old. He waited around for a few months and realized he wasn't coming back, he mourned him and then moved on. He put what the old merc taught him to good use which included all the raider knowledge he still had and joined several raider gangs between the years of 21 and 25.

During these years he discovered plenty of things about himself. He was strictly a top. "hOw Is He A tOp If hE dOeSN't hAve a DicK?" Hear me out, man, hear me out. You don't need one to top. So hush. The world and setting of Fallout is pretty stagnant and stale in terms of structure of cultures (we can get into that rant some other day) so it's open for us, the fans, to do what we can to make sense of all the queer aspects of post-apocalypse America.

People have been making sex toys since forever and I think it's no different after the apocalypse brought on by nuclear warfare. We also have had implants and cybernetic enhancements in the games. Also! It's a fucking sci-fi game, use your imagination, fool.

At around 24 Angelus was starting to feel some minor bottom dysphoria and packed to relieve some of that stress. Remember when I said he was strictly a top? What makes you think he wasn't getting penetrated and still topping? Like, positions play a larger part of it than you give 'em credit for, my dear. There are positions that give him full control of movement so that he's the one controlling Jelani and for all intents and purposes he's fucking him while getting penetrated. If he felt like doing the penetrating himself he has a few strap ons, some more simple ones he managed to get his hands on, steel and metal being the main materials. Some are better made than others and has several different sizes and shapes for all needs.

Circling back to him starting to develop some bottom dysphoria. It started when he was 24 and it got worse well after he met Jelani. He actually confessed to him that he was jealous of the fact that he had an actual dick and he didn't. I think I'll explore the implant option in the future but for now I'll leave Angelus as is. His boyfriend does the best he can to ease any dysphoria which can and does lead to some playing around that can lead to more eventually making Angelus feel better.

As for hrt I like to think it's something similar to the drugs already set in place within the Fallout universe. There's pills which I feel would be the most common, there's injections that don't look as scary as stimpaks! Have you actually stopped to see the size of those bitches??? Lucifer on his throne! What the shit??? And last and the least common and hardest to get your hands on would be a gel like substance of a lavender color (blue + pink + white = lavender). Angelus uses pills because it was the most readily available to him.

So far that's most of what I got for my little half Russian, half Scottish, flamboyantly effeminate, polyamorous, gay trans man with a serious attitude problem and anger issues living in the wide and interesting world of post-apocalypse America with his boyfriend and his two fathers-in-law.

Wanna focus this same energy on Jelani in Skyrim 'cause he's trans (FtM) in that setting but that's for another post.

#fo: Angelus tag #au oc things

[callsignbaphomet]

Ngl I based Fallout Angelus on this dumbass dork (I love her she's adorable and funny). Accent and everything. Of course his voice is a bit deeper though not by much.

And like I said in a post somewhere since he used to be in The Pack there was a trend going around where Pack members were sharpening their front teeth to look like fangs and Angelus totally had that done.

Gotta get off my lazy ass and sketch this gay ass bitch.

#fo: Angelus tag