#frozenlakebattle

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 6 - The Enthralling Power of Complete Idiocy

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how much of a fucking shitshow it was, turn back now. Also Ballers is coming back. Does anybody watch that?

BEYOND THE WALL

So in case you forgot, the Avengers are still trying to carry out this worst plan ever to bag a wight and show it to Cersei, even though she has never displayed any capability for rational thought. Also Tormund wants to fuck Gendry?

Basically the whole first half of this beyond the wall shit is like speed dating between the weirdest pairs of people. Like, first we have Gendry and The Dude, and Gendry’s just like -

But the Dude is all -

Then it’s J-Snow and Jorah, and like for some reason J-Snow chooses this moment - you know, the one where they’re about to stumble upon an entire zombie army - to be like, “Yo dude, my sword is your dad’s. You should have it.”

Jorah doesn’t take it though, which is good because they’re about to fight zombies. Also in this scene, there are a bunch of Redshirts, which I know, is like totally not a Game of Thrones thing, but there they are anyway.

WINTERFELL

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the newest staff writer at Game of Thrones, who penned all the scenes in Winterfell this week.

Because Arya, who went from -

to -

is now just full on -

And Sansa’s making like everybody who spent last week on Facebook trying to explain to people why gee I dunno WHITE SUPREMACISTS ARE WRONG, just like -

BEYOND THE WALL

More snow. More speed dating. This time with the Hound and Tormund, who’s like -

Then, the Hound uses the word “Dick”

And Tormund has, like, never heard it, he’s so used to using the word “cock” or something, and then D&D literally write this exchange.

Tormund: Dick? I like it. The Hound: I bet you do. Tormund: Nope. It’s pussy for me.

Finally, they come to the arrowhead mountain the Hound saw in the flames.

And The Dude is like, “Are you sure?” And I’m kinda like, “Wait a minute. Aren’t you the guy who’s supposed to know about the flames? Why is the Hound suddenly so wise to it all?”

DRAGONSTONE

P-Dinky (remember him? He used to be a character) is having a fireside chat with D-Baby. He’s basically trying to put Varys’ advice into effect.

But D-Baby just gets real paranoid.

It doesn’t go well.

BEYOND THE WALL

Meanwhile, the Avengers stumble into this total whiteout storm, and they see some like weird animal thing in the distance. It kinda looks like a polar bear until we just see it’s got the zombie eyes. And Gendry’s like, “Do bears have blue eyes?”

Anyway, the bear comes charging at all the Avengers and we’re like, “Oh my God, this is it! One of them is gonna fucking die right now!” But then it just like mauls a redshirt.

Naturally all the Avengers are freaked out. So they literally do this -

And then it’s just like BEAR ATTACK OH MY GOD IT TOTALLY GOT ONE OF OUR BOYS oh wait no it’s just another redshirt.

And then it’s just on. The Dude and Beric turn on their fire swords like -

And down goes somebody else WAS IT THE HOUND nope, redshirt. Finally, it does just fucking maul The Dude though like -

And you really just think it’s gonna go on forever until Jorah stabs it with like the tiniest knife and it... dies...? 

The Dude is fucked up, but instead of being like -

He’s like -

But he’s still alive, because he’s not a redshirt.

WINTERFELL

Sansa’s panicking like -

Until Littlefinger seems to say, “You should have Brienne kill her.” And Sansa seems weirdly chill with it, until she sends Brienne in her stead to King’s Landing immediately after.

BEYOND THE WALL

The Dude is walking again, because there are no consequences to anything anymore, not even getting mauled by a bear. So now’s as good a time as any for the Avengers to run into the zombies. But like just a few. Who are marching around like -

So naturally because they’re crazy, the Avengers just fucking attack. And Jorah’s getting choked, and Gendry’s like “Bang bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” until J-Snow is just like -

And this is the part where we learn that when you kill a White Walker, all the zombies that got turned by that dude just like shut down.

But for some reason there was like a rogue zombie chilling with this group? 

Like he got lost or maybe one of his best zombie friends got turned by this White Walker and he wanted to hang out with him? I dunno, but like - they need a zombie and he’s here.

And they’re trying to restrain it but it’s basically just being all -

Until they just cover its mouth and put a bag over its head. Like, I guess that works. But it doesn’t solve the problem of the giant AVALANCHE that’s coming! And then J-Snow tells Gendry to run back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys. And Gendry’s like, ‘I’m not going!” But J-Snow is like, “You’re the fastest.”

And then. The Avengers. Book it. Right into this like frozen lake arena which is just BEGGING to be the locale for a crazy action setpiece. And they’re like running over the ice, and the zombies are just like surrounding them. And meanwhile, J-Snow is running pretty fast. Like, I don’t know if Gendry can top this speed.

Oh, yeah, also another Redshirt dies. Like, so many Redshirts die that I’m running out of Redshirt GIFs. Luckily this Redshirt’s death triggers ALL the ice around the Avengers to break so the zombies can’t get to them.

Meanwhile, Gendry is RUNNING!

Like, he packed his Reeboks. 

Or like some time has passed. Who knows. It’s morning now and the zombies are just chilling waiting for the lake to freeze again. And the Avengers are in the middle like -

Honestly, there’s a moment where it kinda looks like the Hound was snuggling with J-Snow. But if he was feeling warm and fuzzy, that all goes away when he kicks the zombie they’ve captured and it makes all the other zombies go -

Also, there are SO MANY zombies surrounding them. Like there’s the main level and then there’s literally a mezzanine. Oh yeah, also The Dude is dead. So naturally Beric Dondarrion is like -

Except like, “I’m gonna burn your body, Jack. I’m gonna burn your body.” Anyway, things are looking pretty dire at this moment, and J-Snow is like, “Daenerys is our only chance.” To which Beric replies -

And he doesn’t mean Princess Leia either. He’s talking about killing the Night King, who I’m gonna start calling the Night Queen just because. So Her Majesty is perched on a mountain nearby just like -

While somebody is banging on a piano all -

DRAGONSTONE

D-Baby is once again not listening to P-Dinky, except this time she’s wearing a very fashion-forward white coat-dress-thing. 

BEYOND THE WALL

Speaking of not making good decisions, the Hound is stir-crazy and throwing rocks at the zombies. Which is all fun and games until the zombies realize that the lake is frozen and they can fucking attack. But instead of running they all kinda runway walk toward the Avengers like -

Which is good, because it means the Avengers can pick them off one by one. Which is what they do. Also, there’s a sick violin thing happening under this part. It’s actually going pretty well. Like, they only lose one more redshirt.

I’M OUT OF REDSHIRT GIFS.

Anyway, soon it gets out of hand and the zombies are swarming, at which point J-Snow yells, “FALL BACK!” And I’m kinda just like -

Also strike that. Two more redshirts. Anyway, it gets all too much and slow-mo and everyone seems like they’re gonna die, it’s very -

But then, of course, the dragons are here, and D-Baby is just wiping out zombies like -

And she starts loading everyone onto Drogon like he’s a fucking taxicab.

And it really seems like everyone’s gonna make it out alive, until The Night Queen is just like, “Bring me my fucking javelin.” And lemme tell you, that little amulet thing she’s wearing around her neck MUST be a gold medal from her track and field days because she’s just like -

and D-Baby’s crying and like fuck I’M CRYING and there’s just blood gushing everywhere like -

And the dragon’s all-

But there is NO time to be sad, because the Queen is loading another fucking javelin and J-Snow’s just like “GO!” Until he gets mauled and falls into the water. And D-Baby’s like, “I want that D but I don’t want my dragon to die!” So off she goes.

Guys. This episode still isn’t fucking over. Because the camera lingers on J-Snow’s sword and I totally thought it was just gonna cut to black, but he climbs out of the water.

And it totally seems like the zombies are gonna fuck him up, when suddenly somebody rides in on a horse waving a fire ball. And I’m literally just like, “At this point, it can be only one person.”

Beyonce.

It’s not. It’s Benjen, who gives J-Snow his horse and then goes to the zombies like -

WINTERFELL

Phew. Sansa is sneaking around in Arya’s room when she finds her sister’s stash of creepy face masks, because apparently Arya just keeps that under her bed. Also the one face def looks like a Trump mask.

Anyway, Arya’s acting like a total creep being like, “These are my faces. I went to drama school and now -”

It’s too goddamn much.

DAENERYS’ SHIP

Forgive me, but it did feel like there was legit sexual tension between J-Snow and D-Baby in this scene. So much so that J-Snow calls her “Dany.”

If we remember, that’s what her rapey creep brother used to call her, so you know - par for the course for weird incest relationship we’re all actively rooting for. 

BEYOND THE WALL

The White Walker somehow got a bunch of chains (we’re really just pulling shit out of our asses now) and are heaving like -

And out comes the dragon. And the Night Queen just struts toward it like -

Like truly. She takes her time. And she lays her hand on the dragon like -

And sure enough, we linger on the dragon’s eye.

And we linger.

And we linger.

Until it’s just like -

Except it’ blue. Because it’s a zombie now, get it?

BODY COUNT: 9 (RIP White Walker Lieutenant, The Dude, the Dragon - was it Viserion? and 6 Redshirts) BOOB COUNT: None (is it time to retire this?) EPISODE GRADE: C+

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

If somebody mentions bending the knee one more time, my head will explode.

This episode just really felt like Thrones going completely off the rails on every level. They have no time to make sense of all the plot developments that are happening, so we’re just getting random events trotted out that feel artificial. There is a world where Arya becoming a mistrusting vengeful person makes sense, but the jump was so drastic. It felt like Arya became an entirely different character overnight.

In all the chaos, I totally forgot that Cleganebowl could totally still be on.

The Daenerys scene is once more setting up the inevitable splitting of Tyrion and her. I think this has been handled pretty well, although what do we think about Tyrion making so many poor decisions? Back in Season 2, he was so slick with every plan and now he’s made several (including the one about trying to meet with Cersei) that seem unfounded in any logic, particularly when he’s the most logical of the characters.

D&D have pointed out in interviews the circle-like patterns the White Walkers make throughout the series. The overhead shot of the Avengers standoff with the polar bear = a continuation of this circle motif.

“I just got bit by a dead bear.” Same, dude. Same.

Sansa says, “Jon is not here. I haven’t heard from him in weeks.” That seems like a dick move, Jon.

“You’re faster without the hammer,” says Tormund. As if he’s seen him run both with and without the hammer. Did I miss an episode where Gendry is like an incredible long distance runner?

Confused as to why Sansa is being summoned to King’s Landing. Isn’t this just about presenting the wight to Cersei? What does Sansa have to do with this?

Regarding Pod, “He has become a competent swordsman.” False.

All this said, it does seem like Sansa has a trick up her sleeve. 

I’m also confused about killing the wights. I thought they had to burn to die, but it seemed like sword wounds and shit did them in this week. Can anyone confirm?

The dragon death did hit me, but do we know which dragon it was? The Internet says Viserion, but D&D don’t seem to even know in their after-episode interview. They just keep calling it “the dragon.”

The javelin thing was ridiculous. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

Yes, the Arya scene was crazy. But her offering the knife to Sansa - that’s gotta mean something, yeah?

Where’s Bran? Where’s Theon? Where’s Euron? Where’s Grey Worm? WTF is going to happen next week?

What is the show trying to make us feel with this Daenerys-Jon Snow love story? She’s his aunt, and we know this, but we want it (hell, I even want it). I feel like it’d be interesting to subvert our rooting for this, since we are always grossed out by Jaime and Cersei. Or maybe I’m looking for nuance where there isn’t any. It feels weird regardless.

So it seems like the dragon will help them bring down the Wall next episode. If that’s true, I wonder how it would be if we didn’t see its resurrection.

What did you guys think of this episode? As you can tell from the title, I was enthralled while watching it, but looking back feel like nothing that happened makes any sense at all. The Game of Thrones world has always been one subverting conventional fantasy tropes, i.e. the heroes cornered by the zombies in the middle of a frozen lake don’t heroically escape, they die. And as for that javelin, it exists solely because D&D needed the Night King to take down a dragon. 

Basically if you watched the first episode of Game of Thrones and then you watched this one, you’d think you were watching two completely different shows.

NEXT WEEK: Barack is back, Sansa makes some sort of decision, and literally every major character meets in King’s Landing.

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