#fuck dem yachts

[the-birth-of-art]

#person of the year #time magazine #orca #fuck dem yachts

[nando161mando]

"Fuck dem yachts" (EN: English)

#fuck dem yachts #person of the year #time person of the year #time #time magazine #161 #1312 #orca splatoon #wild orcas #southern resident orcas #orcas island #orcas #orca whale #orcinus orca #orca!eclipse #idate orca #orca #ausgov #politas #auspol #tasgov #taspol #australia #fuck neoliberals #neoliberal capitalism #anthony albanese #albanese government #eat the rich #eat the fucking rich #antifa

[daughterofhecata]

Weil ich grad noch mal in Superpapagei reingesehen habe - schon sehr mutig von Ben Nevis, Morton sagen zu lassen, er wisse gar nicht, wie man sich prügelt, wenn das hier literally einer seiner ersten Auftritte ist.

#ganz abgesehen natürlich davon wie er den autodieb in nacht der tiger mit dem regenschirm ausknockt #alles nach den originalfolgen erkennt nevis ja eh nicht an #aber das hier hätte er doch eigentlich wissen müssen xD #morton ist in den originalfolgen ungefähr so viel pazifist wie victor gentleman. also. überhaupt nicht. #drei fragezeichen #superpapagei #morton #kaj rambles #die drei fragezeichen #die drei ??? #ignoriert die komischen absätze das ebook ist irgendwie fucked #ach so und das morton gar nicht weiß wie man eine prügelei anfängt war in yacht des verrats

[woolieshubris]

I'm so tired of politics.

I'm so fucking tired of how dems are all talk no action.

I'm so done with respectability politics and "meeting them halfway" because if we have to meet them halfway we've already failed.

I wish I could go into the Senate and yell and scream at those old people and cuss them out. But I know they would talk about how inspirational I am without doing anything about it. Old people talk about how wonderful it is that kids are invested in politics but then don't do anything when a young figurehead starts talking Abt what changes they need made.

What *HAS* Greta done? What *HAS* AOC done? Act as inspiration porn for those in power? Become used as tools to satiate the population that "change is coming?" Change will not come as long as the .001% doesn't allow it. Politics is funded by billionaires. It's all a joke to them.

You think while we eat algae they will join us? No. They'll eat steak.

While we perish in natural disasters, floods, fires, heat waves and cold snaps, will they suffer too? No. They'll sit on their yachts.

They are so far removed from real world issues that they don't even perceive us as the same species as them.

What then?

People always talk about how the left eats itself and how republicans and dems are dumb for fighting but it's all we CAN do right now.

Of course, we have to do the best we can- talking to fence sitters, Republicans, voting every time we get the chance, and making change within our communities-

But all of those things take energy. Energy many don't have. Energy many cannot afford.

People always cite 2016 as the turning point in our nation. Saying that ignores that this trend has been going on for decades. America was built from oppression, to get rid of it is to destroy american society. But a culture that requires oppression is not one that I want to participate in.

I'm just tired of politics.

#ok to reblog

[constellationmelody]

It’s election night and I’m already excited to read the poll results even tho it gives me great anxiety: -Gaetz is elected, seems like being a child predator is not a deal breaker in his district -But We got the first Gen z progressive congressman in FL -Another upset in FL, A FL judge who said a girl can’t get access to abortion due to low grades got ousted.  - A dem kept his seat in a republican district in NY.  - More ppl are moving to the Dem since Roe was over turn, especially among young women and apparently dads. -Fuck Laura loomer, she’s out of the job now. There are others but i’m a bit sleepy Also, Let’s thanks Rick Scott for being the Joanne the scammer to the GOP war chest as he tweets from his yacht in his Italy vacation, bitching about Biden vacationing in Delaware 

#election #primary election #primary

[the-house-of-the-nine]

In Mind of Misery: Might

[ I wrote this scene to bridge between the gaps of our guild RP story and some loose ends I felt needed to be addressed.  This takes place directly after Reflections: Part 5.  Lazarius has gone to say goodbye to his daughter, but Marseille is off to collect someone for questioning.   I hope everyone enjoys this little solo story.]

“Some loose ends to deal with. . .” 

The final words of the ancient elf guardian as he exited out of the Grand Library where the official meeting had taken place.  More unofficially was the look granted to him by his esteemed Inquisitor. 

Marseille knew that look; it was one of silent action to be taken.  Something he and his master had practiced for countless months.  Their time together since the day he was collected had been near infinite.  Lazarius had taken the much older elf under his wing and groomed him; much like he had been groomed by his former Mistress. 

When Pyravari had discovered the mad elf in Suramar only days after the shielded veil was lifted, he was completely gone.  He had lost all he had, given up on life, had taken to body augmentation through arcane runes and manipulated the arcane energy within his blood.  Marseille was all but ready to kill or be killed when he was finally freed from the prison he’d placed himself in.

But rather than kill him outright, the Harbinger spared him, seeing promise in his talent as a bladesman, and also as a gift to her brother.  Lazarius spent weeks mending the damaged psyche of the Shal’dorei; time that would have been spent better elsewhere as far as he was concerned, but try as he might to resist him it was to no avail.  Lazarius managed to break through, begin mending the damage and in the end; freed the ancient elf from the madness he’d slipped into.

The life debt was something he took very seriously; and despite their connections to the Old Gods at the time, and the horrific things he’d come to learn they had done in the past, Marseille refused to abandon them.  He could see past it; and did, because to him it was far more important to repay the man and his kin who’d saved him from the haunting spirits of his own.

That look though; he knew what it meant.  Lazarius and him shared a very well in tune bond that was less telepathic and more cued upon expression.  But this time, the voice of his Master would creep effortlessly into his mind as he exited the Library with Verzatea on their way to tuck their daughter in, and share a bit of time together before the pack departed.

“The goblin has returned, unannounced, and Koltun has clarified his missing whereabouts.  Something does not sit right; if he is crossing the order, he will pay and I will discover the truth.  See to it he knows I am displeased with such careless action, and ensure he is held in our finest interrogation room. I will deal with him when we return...”

Krazzlowe the Goblin Slave Baron had just recently returned from Silithus mysteriously and without any type of announcement.  This was not only unorthodox but also unnerving.  Lazarius felt only the slightest shiver across his cold flesh when the talisman he’d given the creature was activated.  He knew he’d returned.

With Koltun needing to walk back, and the goblin being able to instantly transfer himself here; it was all very curious.  Lazarius had given strict orders to everyone not to use their Talismans during this time.  NZoth and the agents that served it could sense the artifacts; giving off any type of magical signature was like inviting them into the Bastille. The main reason why their current quest to rid him of the unsightly eye was meant to be completely stealthed and without any use of power.  And another reason why Lazarius was not pleased.  Perhaps they’d gotten lucky this time, but he would not risk a second.

Just weeks prior. . . .

Krazzlowe sat on a large yacht just off the coast of Tanaris; sun bathing in the warmth of the desert sky, a dry air running over his now liberally greased sap green skin.  Two other goblin females were dotting over the portly Baron as he sipped from a small umbrella drink and enjoyed the leisure's of his relaxation.

The bikini clad women were rubbing his shoulders and feet; as disgustingly awful as they were, but they were in no place to protest; slaves did as they were told, especially with explosives strapped to their necks.  Yes, goblins took extreme precautions.

“Ill tell ya Rodney, this is the life. . .”  Krazzlowe said slurping up his fruity cocktail through a straw inserted in a coconut.

“Ya really got a sweet set up here, a fella could get used tah dis.”

Rodney was the owner of this sea fairing mansion, another “Baron” no doubt who was self proclaimed just like Krazzlowe.  The two of them were more or less ‘friends’ but in the long run neither really trusted the other.

“Well don’t. . .” Rodney replied as he lowered his own sunglasses and peered across the deck to the other goblin lounging in his chair.

“You promised two shipments a month, you’re late Morty.  Been late for the last few months, what happened to our deal?”

The use of his actual first name caused the snide, and robust baron to slowly roll himself in the direction of his accuser.  His long fat nose turning upward in disgust at the claims that he had not lived up to his part of the agreement.

“Look, I told ya, since the end of the War everything has gone to shit.  You gonna go set somethin’ on fire? How about the Exodar, blame the fuckin’ Horde for that, get us back into a war. You start the son-of-a-bitch back up and I’ll have you three shipments a week.” 

Krazzlowe all but kicked the girl rubbing his feet away as he struggled to sit upright; it wasn't easy being as round as he was not to mention greasy from the tanning oil.

Rodney peered toward him in disgust; he knew he was right but still, he wouldn't admit it.

“And another thing.  Where do you get off?”

Krazzlowe barked.

“You swore up and down you could move the Azerite faster than I could get it.  Well guess what Mac, I checked ya hull, and the ledger. . .you’re sittin’ on enough to last a whole year.  The Horde aint buyin’ and the Alliance aint dealin.  So you tell me, Asshole. . .who dah fuck’s gonna buy dis shit now?  I aint got my cut yet, so I would say we’re dead-nuts-even. Wouldn’t you Rodney”

Both goblins sat there peering at one another on the deck of the yacht.  It was silent, both of the slaver girls had pulled themselves back against the railing now, waiting to see what would happen.  Their glowing azure eyes fixated on their Master as he was fixated on Krazzlowe.

Rodney turned first and scoffed at his partner, the smaller and much more attractive; if you could call either of them that, of the goblins backing down.

“Dats what I thought. . .”  Krazzlowe continued and slowly lowered himself back into his chair.

“Get me anotha one of these fruity mixers, toots, and you. . .how about a bit more on the arches, dem bunions aint gonna rub demselves!”

Rodney was sickened by the vagrant use of his two favorite women, but then again he was clearly out maneuvered by his partner.  Krazzlowe was no dummy, and certainly not without his own set of skills that caused him to be formidable opponent.

“Yep. . .dis is dah life, doesn’t get much bett--” 

The sound of a large bug swooping forward caused the goblin to cut off from his speaking and flip his shades.  Krazzlowe peered around, it was as if a small bird had just whizzed right past them. 

He noticed now that the sun had almost entirely been shaded, like a massive cloud had passed in front of it, but it was a cloudless day.  It looked like a large swarm of. . .

“What dah fu--”

A large flying Aqir slapped right against the fat little goblins chest; stuck to his tanning oil and grease.  He screamed, the Silithid screamed, both of the slaver girls screamed and Rodney shot up.

“For the love of all that is combustible its a fuc--” 

Rodney was then scooped up by a much larger, and much more terrifying Silithid that swooped down and plucked him off of his lounge chair like a raptor snatching up a rabbit from the sky. 

Both girls now screamed even more as their master was taken away, and Krazzlowe tumbled out onto the deck with the creature now successfully swiped from his greasy body.

“RODNEY!”  Krazzlowe shouted as he peered up to see the Silithid flying over the open ocean.  It was about fifty feet in the air and climbing upward.

In the sky above them there was a massive swarm that had blacked out the sun.  The sound of their humming now reached the ears of the baron as he peered up at Rodney being taken. “You still owe me money!”

And then, he was dropped.  Like a stone heading toward the ocean.  Whether or not he managed to survive the fall was uncertain.  But after the slap against the surface of the water vibrated across his ear drums, the goblin would scoff and finalize his decision.

“Welp. . .looks like we’re even.”  He chuckled, grabbing his partners sunglasses that had fallen on the deck before he had been taken and replacing his own.

He whistled casually as he headed below deck in pursuit of the women, but not before noticing that in the distance, Silithus was most likely overrun.  Oh well, looks like the deal is done.  Better head on back and collect what he could and just sit on this little goldmine until a more opportune moment came about.

Back in the Bastille. . .

A frantic and fevered search began when the Goblin tore through the veil of space and time and entered through a broom closet on one of the lower floors.  Not where he had expected to land, but then again he was not exactly one of the most welcome guests even today.  He tumbled out onto the saronite floor and immediately hopped up onto his feet with a panicked look in his eyes.

It was by convenience that Lazarius; out of trust, would have given the goblin a talisman to allow him to come back when needed.  Especially on times when he was summoned by the High Inquisitor for reports about the mining operation in SIlithus; and also whenever Lazarius requested.

“Where is it. . .where is it, dammit I hate this fuckin’ place.”  the goblin snarled as he began opening doors and checking for whatever he could in the hall that was presented to him.

He was looking for the area that he had stashed all of his paperwork and belongings before heading off to Silithus to begin the Azerite operation.  This was about the time when the sword was plunged into the planet and both factions began scrambling to the site.  Krazzlowe had ensured nothing of his own would be lost while he was away and stashed everything he needed here in a room given to him by the dark lord.  But where was the room.

As he turned the corner, the short; though taller than most, goblin was face to face with a most unpleasant welcoming party.  The blunt side of Marseille’s hatchet forcefully kissed his orbital bone over his left eye and the cheek that was directly below that.  It shattered the cartridge of his nose causing a burst of crimson to spray outward and begin flowing steadily down his upper lip and chin.  The goblin was immediately floored. 

He was almost unconscious but damned if he would be knocked out.  Goblins had extremely thick skulls, and they were often known to take a good beating.  But this was cruel and unusual punishment, the use of the weapon could have easily killed him had the elf flipped it around and used the sharpened end.

“Your Inquisitor has decreed that you are hereby relieved of your services as coordinator of the Silithus operation, Baron Krazzlowe.”  the ancient elf proclaimed as he grabbed hold of the blood soaked creature by its ankle and slowly began arranging him for transport. “Henceforth, you will be given a new assignment and stationed much closer to home for observation. . .”

Krazzlowe was nearly in another plain of existence at this point, and his smashed face was making it hard for him to talk at the moment.  He was trying to fight off being taken but he was far too injured to even attempt it.  He just barely understood what this meant, his clouded mind absorbing the hidden meaning of the shades words.  Lazarius knew.

The goblin began to stir and groan as he was more or less unaware what had happened, but the shock was starting to wear down.  He’d just been busted wide open.  The strike had caused a large deal of blood to splatter across the old elf and he would remark as he began to collect his prize.

Marseille wiped his left hand across his right shoulder and down his arm, it had stained his beautiful pastel grey blue skin.  The streaks of crimson would drip across his shoulder, down his elbow and wrist, but also managed to stain his throat and ribcage.  Luckily he did not wear a shirt most times.

“I’ll need to wash this off before I leave. . . most generous of you Baron.”  he stated crassly while the goblins feet were joined to make it much easier to pull him.

Marseille dragged him along the cold, saronite floor.  Down stairwells and through doorways that would have caused even more trauma for the little goblin.  It was not long after the first or second bump that the goblin had blacked out completely due to the head injury.

He only awoke some time later when the door of his cell was being slammed shut.  He would peer around while coming to his senses, and slowly folded over and rolled off onto the floor. “*No!*” He managed to scream out just barely

Marseille was already walking away, his attention elsewhere.  He had planned to stop and visit with Siida-Ray before departing with the rest of them for the Ghostlands.  The goblin was where he needed to be; and at this point he did not care what was being said.  Krazzlowe was considered a prisoner now. And as the footsteps of the elf echoed in the hall, the goblin plead for his case.

“Ya dont understand, its gone! Its all gone! Somebody get me outta here! I didn’t do nothin’.  I just want whats mine! Hello! Somebody!”

The echoed screams of the little battered goblin danced down the hallway like a brilliant acrobat performing for their audience.  But unlike such a marvelous affair, not a single ear would be pulled in the direction of the pleading goblin.  And he would remain down there until such a time as Lazarius saw fit to interrogate him.

“You are makin’ a mistake! Its all gone! The site, the people. . .It wasnt my fault! Wait! Com. . .Come on!”

But his words fell on deaf ears, not a soul cared, and not a single soul would come to his rescue.  But as he sat there in the darkness, the silence began to tease his mind, a strange humming sound came from the floors above, a faint heart beat, a curious tone.  The goblin curled up against the back corner of his cage and whimpered, truly his greed had now cost him his life.  He had no hope of savior in this place.

@siidaraykashebahl​

@frompage112​

@whatadarkbitch​

@zandalaridruidofgonk​

@pyravari-kashebahl​

@thebladeitself​

#the house of the nine #original content #my writing #old god RP

[ladywinchester1967]

Tag Game!

I was tagged by @curly-haired-disaster to answer 20 questions about myself so you guys can get to know me better and tag 20 other blogs too!

Nickname: Kells, Kel, Kelly Bean, Barbara (like Barbara Gordon aka Batgirl).

Height: 5’3”

Orientation: Straight

Nationality: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

Favorite Fruit: All berries.

Favorite Season: Autumn

Favorite Flower: Stargazer Lillies

Favorite Scent: Pumpkin everything and fresh linen.

Favorite Color: Red

Favorite Animal: Zebra

Coffee, Tea or Hot Chocolate: Coffee. Always coffee. Give me coffee.

Average Hours of Sleep: honestly depends, anywhere from 4-8ish.

Cat or Dog Person: ALL OF DEM.

Favorite Fictional Character: I can’t pick just one, I have SO MANY!!

Number of blankets you sleep with: 2.

Dream Trip: A private yacht cruise around the Mediterranean 🤤🤤🤤🤤

Blog created: I’m coming up on a year!

Number of followers: 325 😳😘

Random Fact: I have 2 nephews and they call me Ah Key. It was supposed to be Auntie Kelly but when they were learning to talk; that was the best they could pronounce my name and it stuck. Now my parents and siblings call me that too sometimes 😜

HERE COME THE TAGS:

@waywardrose13 @carryonmywaywardcaptain @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @thejabberwock @theworldiscolorful @waywardbaby @waywardnerd67 @dean-winchesters-bacon @imma-winchester-addict @familybusinesswritingbro @bobasheebaby @luna-wanheda @luci-in-trenchcoats @missjenniferb @midnightsilver @mrswhozeewhatsis @mirandaaustin93 @mrs-squirrel-chester

#lady winchester writes

[shegottosayit]

I’ve tried to hold it back but I’m still seething over ny rejecting voter rights ballot measures. No excuse absentee? Lol nope. Same day voter registration? Lol nope. Counting all residents regardless of documentation and incarcerated people at their last place of residence and taking measures to prevent gerrymandering? Lol nope.

And it’s not even like people just voted against them because a fuck ton of people fucking left them blank. 43% of the the state population lives in nyc and 4/5*of the boroughs voted to pass them but not even by much because lots of the 66.6% people who voted for a dem mayor (28.8% republican) were among those who fucking left them blank!

And this is where our population matters! We’re forty-fucking-three percent of the state and overwhelmingly dem but there are massive red pockets in the state (some very deep red) and population doesn’t mean shit nationally and it will continue to not mean shit due to gerrymandering (which ny now isn’t going to take action against) and cult members winning house seats and two fucking asshole dem senators who care more about pleasing their big donors and their own fucking monetary interests (can someone change the name of that house boat yacht from ‘almost heaven’ to ‘relegating us to hell’?) and in addition to holding seats we need to pick some up and it’s gonna be really fucking hard!

*Staten Island is the only borough run by republicans. Their gop borough president won with 62% while dems in the other four won by 66%-86% and I can’t even go off on ‘why isn’t it just part of nj which would make more fucking sense?’ because if it was part of nj they would’ve swung the nj gubernatorial the other way

[theheavymetalmama]

I was going to talk about Justice League today...

Saw it last night, and it was okay. 

However, that’s not what’s on my mind right now. I realize that politics are a hot-button topic right now, but this needs to be said. Last night, the senate passed a tax-reform bill that claims to help working class Americans but in reality is just another big tax break for the 1% that will fuck everyone else hard. Not only will it almost triple the national deficit, but the tax-hikes of the poor and middle class that the Bush Administration’s tax cuts will look like someone robbing a parking meter in comparison.

Now there is still a chance that congress will flatten this bill as they’ve done just about everything else Trump has tried, but if it actually does become law then I’ll have one thing to say.

Dear Republican party,

Fuck you.

Yeah, I’m done being courteous for any right-leaning followers I may have, but I can’t keep quiet anymore. House and senate republicans, fuck you for ensuring that working class Americans such as myself, my husband, @hesjayrich, @roninkairi, @demonforni, @airebeam, @ironbloodaika, @jokarbruv, and basically everyone else who doesn’t own a chain of fucking restaurants or dealerships will indeed have to work until the day we fucking die, but when we do die we’ll leave our kids with Jack and shit on account of all our assets being seized by the government because we owe three lifetimes worth of back taxes we could never fucking afford! Meanwhile your backers who’ve never done an honest day’s work in their lives get to buy an 11th luxury yacht and put more gold toilets in Trump Tower.

So fuck you, grand old party. Fuck you and your old-world method approach to solving new-world problems. Fuck you, you greedy, petulant, spiteful, corporate ass-sucking relics of a time bygone but you keep pretending is still around. Fuck you for milking those of us still making payments on our fucking homes for everything we’re worth yet giving even more money to people who already swim in it! I’m not a religious person by any stretch, if there is indeed a Heaven or Hell then congratulations! You motherfuckers all have front-row seats reserved in Hell with Old Scratch himself waiting to stick his big, scaly cock right in your asses, and without lube!

And most importantly, fuck you and everyone else who backed a narcissistic man-child and D-list gameshow host Donald Trump who has no business running a 7/11 in the middle of Nebraska, let alone the whole god damned country! Let me take this moment to remind everyone that the Donald hasn’t been president for a year yet and he’s had more scandals than most presidents did their entire fucking terms in office. Meanwhile Obama was president for eight years and had zero scandals outside the tinfoil-hat wearing nut jobs who make Dale Gribble look fucking reasonable in comparison!

In summation! Fuck the republican party, fuck everything they stand for, fuck Donald Trump and all of his goons and apologists, and fuck everybody who had a hand in putting the son of a bitch in power!

Oh, and anybody who tries to distract from the issue by hitting me with “well what about the dems...” or “But her emails...” or some other completely unrelated bullshit, fuck you too!

#politics #tax reform #dump trump #rant

[blokmusik]

Årets album 2019

25. 

Charli

Charli XCX

[Asylum & Atlantic Records]

Fremtidens popstjerne? På den selvbetitlede treer har britiske popsanger skabt et transcenderende fuldtudstrakt sydfrugtstyggegummi med både introspektive popballader og vulkanske syntheksplosioner. Du vil blive trængt op i et hjørne af et glødende dansegulv, hvor alskens samarbejder med jævnbyrdige popstjerner som Troye Sivan, stjernefrøet Lizzo og rapperen CupcakKe. Disse navne bliver komplimenteret af mellemlagsartister som Kim Petras, Sky Ferreira, Haim og Cristine and the Queens helt ned til navne som queerartisten Big Freedia og småsekvenser med Clairo og Yaej. Alle disse navne bliver budt på futuristisk hybridgalla i hendes frisættende popunivers. Vigtig note: Midtpunktet “Gone” skabt i fællesskab med Christine and the Queens og Pop Music-produceren A.G Cook er et mesterstykke uden lige. 

24.

Crush

Floating Points

[Ninja Tunes]

En mindre triumf i mødet mellem menneskelig kontakt og en distinkt spaltning af umiddelbar melankoli og blomstrende regnbuefarvet IDM.

23.

Reward

Cate le Bon

[Mexican Summer]

Sangene på den walisiske sangfugls virkningsfulde femmer basker rundt på en tidløs himmel, hvor hun maler med humor, kynisme og sårbarhed. Resultatet er gribende.

22.

thank u, next

Ariana Grande

[Republic Records]

Til forskel fra tidligere har Grande på thank u, next bevist at hun i kontrasten, idiosynkrasien kan skabe noget delikat, traumatisk vedblivende. Et gestalterapeutisk værk, der skaber bro mellem popstjernens offentlighed og den introspektive analyse af hendes eget sammenbrud. Sangene føles  sandfærdige og lyser op som et modigt portræt af en tidligere barnestjerne, der nu med en usvigelig selvtillid kan fastslå sin status som superstjerne med den efterspurgte kant. 

21.

IGOR

Tyler, The Creator

[A Boy is a Gun, Columbia Records]

Tyler er ved at blive voksen. Han er under udvikling til at blive en musiker, der kan skabe direkte konsistens mellem numrene. I lyset af et break-up lykkedes han på IGOR med et album, der tilføjer en mere emotionel side af ham selv. Han har skabt et impressionistisk genremiks, hvor han sågar krænger smerte ud med pitchet sang. I hans nyfundne klarhed formår han at balancere sin tidligere vildskab med en mere eller mindre raffineret ide om hvor hiphoppen kan bevæge sig hen. Åbningen mod en ny virkelighed af pudsede næser og crankede synths.

20.

Ghosteen

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

[Ghosteen Ltd]

Ghosteen er slet og ret musik, der løfter sorgen udi i lyset og imponerer med en ubestridelig vilje til at fremtvinge livsbekræftende momenter i skyggen af total selvdestruktion. 

19.

U.F.O.F 

Big Thief

[4AD]

New Yorkerne med intimitet som tematisk ledestjerne har siden 2016 holdt et uhyre højt niveau, hvor verdenen på U.F.O.F består af små tætbefolkede områder af overvældende mirakler. Instrumenteringen er på grænsen til det nøgne, og Adrienne Lenker’s hviskende monomentering føles som en stemme afkoblet egen krop. Hun messer ordene frem - tæt på kollapset og den døende stilhed. 

18.

Purple Mountains

Purple Mountains

[Drag City]

Hjerteskærende ironi om uendelig ensomhed og indre aversion, der i al sin selvødelæggelse lyder så direkte vitalt, at det er svært at begribe, at David Berman endte med at tage sit eget liv. På “That’s Just How I Feel” fornemmer man den dødsorte tragikomiske distance Berman tillagde sit eget liv, der ikke desto mindre føles som den stærkeste kraft af alle - en sitrende og syleskarp selvanalyse som kan føre til selverkendelse. Bermans sidste handling i livet var utilgivelig og tragisk, der må få os alle sammen til at forstå de ejendommelige følelser af nihilisme, depression og selvforagt vi selv trasker rundt med. Til trods for denne hvirvelvind af galde kan dette måske alligevel blive en påmindelse om at sætte pris på, hvad man har. 

17.

Brand New Adult

BEA1991

[BEA1991]

Denne hollandske ko-ridende yacht-pop-prinsesse har lavet et konceptalbum, der leger med filmiske virkemidler, og smager som et friskt glas sødmælk. Det bedste glas i årevis. På Brand New Adult bliver man som lytter inviteret ombord  på en rørende overfart i popperfektionisme, der referer tilbage til Kate Bush reminiscenser, og frem mod futurist-kitschede R&B kompotisioner. Voldsomt vanedannende.

16.

Norman Fucking Rockwell

Lana Del Rey

[Polydor, Interscope]

Åh nej, tænkte jeg. Endnu et selvforherligende og patetisk udspil fra dramadronningen over dem alle. Men nej, på Norman Fucking Rockwell bliver det oftest ikke til mere end den blottede vokal og klaver. Del Rey leverer minikompositioner med bjergtagende, mytiske og nostalgiske knaldperler i tæt samtale med nutidens Amerika og al dets samfundsygdom. Vi får præsenteret glimt af håb via hendes bevægende superlativer om Californien, men mod slutningen bliver frygten vendt mod frygten for at håbe på noget bedre. Kan samtiden indkapsles meget bedre?

15.

Essentials

Erika de Casier

[Independent Jeep Music]

Som et kys på kinden, der det ene øjeblik føles varmt, lige indtil du indser, at hun måske allerede har fundet den næste prins på den hvide hest. Jeg har følt mig i umanerligt godt selskab på denne “essentielle” samling af nostalgiske dyp tilbage i 90er pølen, oppustet i klar og lyseblå PVC med de sødeste, friskeste og tykkeste dråber 90er nostalgi. Måske skyldes min nyfundne kærlighed til Sade dette lille popvidunder fra Casiers hånd?

14.

Bell of Wool

Blaue Blume

[Hfn Music]

En farligt afhængighedsskabende nærmest naturstridig poetisk og overvældende ambitiøs revitalisering af bandet selv. Med depressionen som kreativ kræft har Jonas Schmidt sat nye standarder for sangskrivning med hans dirrende talent for øjenåbnende hudløshed og knugende tungsindighed som på “Morgensol”

“Dagen er en lige streg i sandet som et tegn Alting her forandrer sig før regn”

Teksterne føles dog aldrig kedsommelige eller oversentimentale, fordi de hårdnakket ændrer vejrforhold og stemninger albummet igennem. De formår gennem poesi og musik at gøre almenneskelig mismod til et vilkår som man må leve med. Det har den helende kraft at frigive og åbne op, hvilket kan give plads til at tænke og føle, hvor håbet tager over. 

13.

Dogrel

Fountaines D.C.

[Partisan Records]

Doggerel skal eftersigende forstås som en type arbejderklasse poesi eller sangskrivning, der afviger i rim og rytme, en form for grovkornet humor, der engang var folkeeje i Irland. I al dets regnvåde og tristessefyldte modvind kan man på Dogrel finde noget af samme skuffe fra denne litterære kunstform, der finder sin ærlighed i pubbens hverdagssprog. Et album, der hudløst skaber en varme og romantik omkring sin helhed - en slags geografisk ballade til et Dublin, der ikke viger tilbage for ungdommens desillusion og ønske om at blive til noget stort.

Man fornemmer dog samtidig en sjælden modenhed fra et band, der udtrykker sig fra et post-punket standpunkt, for så alligevel at åbne vidderne yderligere op for hvad denne genrekategori egentlig kan bedrive. Der er tale kaos og kontrol på samme tid - en åbenlys livsglæde, i den ene lejr, og en øretæveindbydende arbejderklasse, i den anden, der til sammen udgør et substantielt råb fra neden om at dette er band man skal tage alvorligt. Deres trubaduriske fortællerstemme sammen med deres hjertelige og ungdommelige blik på deres omgivelser føles berusende og frisættende. Det er en fryd at være vidne til.

12.

Det Skandinaviske Design

Søn

[Audible Records]

The Smiths opdateret til et nutidigt samtidskritisk, selvbevidst lyrikåbenbarende og spydigt popliderligt dansk ungmandsorkester? Det lyder som et påfund, men den er faktisk god nok. Sprudlende, humoristisk og berusende som en sjælden bytur med sine bedste venner, der ender lige så uforudsigeligt som man bedst tror, at man har regnet det hele ud. 

11.

This Is How You Smile

Helado Negro

[Universal]

Roberto Carlos Lange har alletider villet skabe diskurser, der ryster ved sædvane, forestillinger og reflekterer over de omgivende bevægelser.  Vi har at gøre med poetisk, rytmisk og tropisk latinx, skåret indtil en hudløst og hengivende, men stadig drilsk og hårdtslående pozole. Vi må fejre de indeklemte, men små minuskler af glæde. Det kan lyde som følelsen af et skæbnesvangert kærlighedskapitel, der måske kan ende brat. Det er det måske også. Pointen er, at man uanset hvad, må leve med det du har. Det synes at være budskabet - en simpel opskrift, der kan være svær at forene sig med. Men glæd dig dog for pokker over det, der sommetider kan ramme dig. Rusen. Og smil. 

                                       10.                                                           

ANIMA

Thom Yorke

[XL]

Grufuldt og enerverende smerteligt at lægge øre til. Hvis du vil gå i søvne til stammedans og gispende smuk synthmagi, så kunne ANIMA meget vel være et godt bud. Du vil mærke smerten i maven, når musik og lyrik smelter sammen som på numrene “Dawn Chorus” og “Twist”. Elektronikken står aldrig stille, men gnider og masser sig i forskellige kropslige akavetheder, glider fra og får fat igen. Det er ikke rytmik, der vil fremad, men hellere falde tilbage, gå til siden og flade helt ud. 

Samtidig er der tale om noveller som sætter sig fast. De er fremmedgørende, men dybt betagende portrætter af menneskets fortabte fremtid - i mikro som makro perspektiver. Vi er både i underverdenen og oververdenen. Og ifølge Yorke selv har fundet inspiration i jetlaggens limbo - og brugt frygten som kreativt trykkammer til at finde sine følelsers inderste reaktioner. Ikke uden videre opløftende, men ikke desto mindre hypnotiserende og han formår - som Thom Yorke har for vane - endnu engang at cementere sin status som et af vor tids største musikgenier.

                                        9.

All Mirrors

Angel Olsen

[Jagjuwar]

Angel Olsen har i lang tid befundet sig i et metamorfoselignende stadie, lige før det store udspring skulle finde sted, uden at det rigtig skete. Eller det vil sige, ikke før nu. På All Mirrors sprænger hun sit eget ambitionsniveau og tordner op mod himmelhvælvingene. Det er strålende og teatralsk, klassisk og ekvilibristisk forførende. Olsens bjergtagende vokal har aldrig lydt så dramatisk, skælvende og elegant før. Mens My Woman fremfor alt befandt sig i en lykkerus i det konkretes og lunefulde hjørne af kærlighedsskalaen, er All Mirros abstrakt, men mindst lige så sandhedssigende og nuanceret et indblik i vildfarelsen som kan ske i kølvandet på hjertesorgens druknende fornemmelse. 

                                       8.

When I Get Home

Solange

[Columbia]

Hvordan kommer man videre eller overgår et album som A Seat at the Table? Ved simpelthen at gå i en helt anden retning. På denne hjemtur tilbage til barndommens gade i Houston er hun nysgerrig, musikalsk jazzet og disharmonisk udsyret, der får forgængerens perfektionistiske udgangspunkt til at se en smule gammeldagspoppet ud - When I Get Home vil ud over stepperne - visionært og mindre genredvælende end meget få andre R&B artister af hendes kaliber. Med sin fragmenterende indgang til verdenen og insisterende repetition vikler hun i løbet af numre som “Sound of Rain”, “Almeda” og “Way to the Show” 90er nostalgi ind i fremtidsvisioner om en afroamerikansk utopi - fra inderst til yderst. 

                                       7.

Assume Form

James Blake

[Universal]

Så skete det endelig. James Blake blev forelsket. Forvandler mørke til lys. Aspirationerne har fået nye marker at græsse på. Det er stadig blåt, men farveskalaen er blevet åbnet op. Han har lukket varmere himmelstrøg ind. Og hiphoppen. Og nærmest ligefrem, utilsigtet eller ej, skabt original popmusik, der ikke længere hviler i ubehagets selvdestruktive blindgyder. Nu vil han både tosomhed. Og eventyret. Man bliver glad i låget af sådan en elektronisk lykkemikstur. Nuvel, ensomheden eksisterer velsagtens stadig, men den er erkendt, slugt ned med shots i L.As natteliv og sunget itu på bangerne “Mile High”, “Tell Them”, “Barefoot in the Park” med  supergæster som Rosalia, Metro Boomin og Travis Scott. Han var lige ved at grave sig ned i et depressivt hul, men har med nogle års kunstpause for første gang rigtig taget fusen på musikverdenen. Han kan nu både tilbyde romantik og det melankolsk absolut indadvendte. Dekonstruktionen er endegyldig og vedblivende lang tid endnu.

                                       6.

Pang

Caroline Polachek

[Columbia]

Caroline Polachek har fuldt mig længe og har altid føltes som lidt af et mysterium. Hendes vokal er et elastisk hylster, der bare kan blive ved og ved med at strække sig. Hvordan er det muligt? Hvor Chairlift var bandet, der skabte vejen for hendes succes, har hun på denne debut ville skabe noget oceansk og dragende som var det en fremtidsnovelle skrevet af antikke sirener. Et musikalsk fremmedlegeme. På Pang er hun ikke længere bare hende med det hårrejsende stemmebånd, men blevet en komplet kunstner, der har taget musikalske kvantespring. Det virker nærmest som hun er blevet suget ind i et virtuelt ormehul og efter at have befundet sig et stykke ude i en fremmed fremtid skudt pop ud, der lyder overjordisk - musikalsk trolddom i tiende potens. Denne refleksive skæring er et vidnesbyrd om hendes varsomme omgang med sin egen fortid og forhold, der bøjer sig rundt som elfenben opad skarptformede tårne af pop. Den dramatiske tråd føles uundgåelig og kommer sig af de nærmest truende synthflader og hendes stemningsfulde tekstunivers. Man bliver en smule tryllebundet.

                                       5.

Hifatulin

Lowly

[Bella Union]

Denne storladne drømmepop sammenblanding har allerede givet mig gåsehud hundredevis af gange. Det er naturpop, der leger gemmeleg med elementerne gennem en myriade af flertydige bevægelser, staccato strenge og demonstrative udforskninger af luftlagene som kan udforskes i poppens himmelrum.

                                       4.

The Practice Of Love

Jenny Hval

[Sacred Bones Records]

Hjemmebrygningen er borte. The Practice of Love ville i en helt anden retning. Et modigt og ambitiøst tilsagn om Jenny Hval ustandselige vilje til at skubbe hendes musikalske og lyriske praksis over borde. Techno og trance-beats anno 1990 har taget over og indimellem det hele snor Hvals til tider forkyndende og ængstlige studie af det rituelle, dogmatisk indelukkede fænomen kærlighed.

Hun sætter en fængslende og protagonistisk dialog i spil mellem en yderst skrøbelige udforskning af sig selv på den ene side og en fordomsfri indlogering af poppen i avantegarden, der ellers godt kunne være endt med at blive en smule navlepillende. Og den udfordring har hun taget op og skabt et fascinerende studie af hendes eget mørke sjæleliv. Det er afgjort hendes mest tilgængelige udgivelse, men ideerne bag er mindst lige så komplekse og provokerende som kun Hval kan skabe dem. 

                                       3.

Quiet Signs

Jessica Pratt

[Mexican Summer]

En galvaniserende legering af den spinkleste stilhed og en dragende lyd af kærlighedens mystik. En ren fryd, der kun er en rigere at lytteroplevelse jo flere gange du sætter den på. Hun har tidligere virket centimeter tæt på lytteren, men har på Quiet Signs valgt at distancere sig bare lidt længere væk. Optagelserne er nu også gjort i et studie, hvor instrumenter som rytmeboks, strygere, klaver og træblæsere er tilføjet. Og med disse tilføjelser in mente har Pratt givet antydninger til blandt andet bossaen og fundet et nyt lysere lege, som dog alligevel kan finde tilbage til sit mørkere udgangspunkt. Vi er nemlig stadig indhyllet i tåge og dagdrømme. Befinder man sig i en kirke med hende? Hun er der et sted, men det er ikke lige til at se. Lytter man eller ligger man nærmere på lur lige bag ved sangene? 

                                       2.

Magdalene

FKA Twigs

[Young Turks]

Gennem bearbejdningen af fysisk og mental smerte har Tahliah Barnett løftet perspektivet op til et panoramisk påvirkeligt miljø over skyer og futuristiske højhustinder. Et sted hvor hun begræder grundlæggende menneskelige sandheder og river metaforiske vægge ned såvel oralt som visuelt og bygger et helt nyt realiseret selv op igen. Tapetseret med overnaturlige lyde processere hun gennem katarsis og tragedie en uforlignelig skønhed, der spyer med alienild og hyper-intim poledance som en grænsesøgende kunstnerhybrid, der sjældent, hvis nogensinde før, er set før.

                                       1.

Titanic Rising

Weyes Blood

[Sub Pop]

Som en skjult skat gemt på havets dyb har Natalie Mering dykket ned og fundet gemte sangskatte fra 1970ernes rock- og popbibel og givet dem nyt liv. Hun blæser med opadstigende referencer til nutidens overflade, hvor både David Bowie’s ambiente æra cirka Low, helt over til spøgende momenter fra Harrison/McCartney’s hånd, frem til menneskeaffektionen på Ok Computer tilføjer en helt ny forståelse til fasttømrede ideer om klassisk cinematisk barokpop. Hun har siden sin begyndelse vugget på vandet mellem hendes signaturmikstur psych-folk og en mere traditioneltlydende popmusik. Men på Titanic Rising bliver det tydeligt for enhver, at hun ved nøjagtig i hvilken retning skibet skal styres hen.

Titlen refererer tilbage til Merings egen barndom, hvor hun så filmen Titanic, da hun følte sig mest ude af sig selv. På Titanic Rising vælger hun så at ligestille det synkende krydstogtskib til civilisationens destruktion forårsaget af menneskeligt overmod, herunder vores afhængighed af teknologi og totale blindhed overfor egne handlinger. 

Når jeg har kørt mine daglige turer med tog over Øresund har jeg elsket at kunne blive suget ind i dette koncept, hvor den grandiose, rørstrømske ode til livets og kærlighedens storhed og fald får lov at blive en påmindelse om at dystopi skal bekæmpes med skønhed - som solens ferske morgenstråler, der siver ned gennem oceanet og rammer undervandets natur. Den må vi ikke glemme, når vi swiper videre i håbet om lykken eller flyver på ferie mod vores næste selvrealiseringsprojekt. 

Af: Jens Bjørn Grelck

#2019 #bestalbum #album of the year #bedste album #weyes blood #fka twigs #jessica pratt #søn #blaue blume #jenny hval #lowly #caroline polachek #james blake #solange #angel olsen #thom yorke

[greedisgreen]

If Petyr x Sansa had:

Only because @0writerchick0 requested it…

A favorite band/song…

The New Pornographers - Challengers has always been my head canon. Always will.

A political party…

You’d think I’d lean Republican for Petyr due to the easily manipulated voter faction, but I honestly think he’d go Democrat. He has very progressive ideals about sex, and he’s definitely NOT a fiscal conservative. Sansa is Dem, too. The Frank and Claire Underwood of Westeros.

A favorite vacation destination…

Hrm. A private yacht trip around the world. They wouldn’t stay in one place, and Petyr wouldn’t want to fraternize with the little people.

A pet…

No pets. Petyr is allergic to everything fuzzy, but Sansa secretly wants a dog. Petyr will relent eventually and pick up allergy meds to cope.

A day job…

Petyr is politician–likely has degrees in both finance and law. Sansa works with nonprofits dealing with support for abused women and children.

A favorite tv show…

You’d think I’d go House of Cards up in here, but no. They’re gonna want something lighter to unwind to. Maybe Parks and Rec. I could see Petyr getting a kick out of mocking Leslie Knope’s optimism.

A hobby…

Sansa does needlepoint and lace tatting. She learned it from her mom, and it makes her feel connected to her now that she’s not around. Petyr is a wine connoisseur. He has a massive collection with bottles that cost the equivalent of a low end sports car. He’s snobby as fuck about it, too.

A fetish…

Petyr has a daddy kink. (Obvs) Sansa is an exhibitionist. Give her a crowded room with a dark corner and she’ll drag Petyr there to mess around.

A favorite book…

Sansa is a Pride & Prejudice girl. Petyr is harder to nail down. I don’t see him reading fiction. Maybe a biography. Perhaps Machiavelli?

A best friend…

Sansa’s bestie is Margaery despite her social climbing ways. Petyr’s is Sansa. Or Lothor Brune if he needs a bro that can keep his mouth shut.

What do you think it would be???  

Not gonna tag anyone. If you want to do it, feel free.

#petyr x sansa #modern headcanon #petyr baelish #sansa stark

[rsadelle]

Yuletide 2016

Below the cut is a Yuletide round-up of recs and also the things I wrote.

Stories For Me

all that is good (10136 words) by sevenfoxes Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Bourne (Movies) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Jason Bourne/Nicky Parsons Characters: Jason Bourne, Nicky Parsons Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, unprotected sex Summary:

You think about Landy, how the hearings meant to expose corruption instead started to swallow her whole, destroying the last genuinely good person you knew at the CIA. You think about Vosen and Conklin and Abbot and all the fucking men who hid behind the flag and a thick line about patriotism while pursuing their own agenda, their own power and money. You think about your father dying alone, believing you were gone, that the last of his family was dead.

“There have to be consequences,” you tell him.

That is the difference between the two of you. Jason wants to be left alone.

You want vengeance.

What I liked: NICKY! I was really excited to get a story all about Nicky. This does a really good job of alternating past and present to flesh out the characters and their relationship. Plus reproductive choices.

make haste from Babylon (3990 words) by Addison R Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Killing Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Stephen Holder & Sarah Linden Characters: Sarah Linden, Stephen Holder Additional Tags: Soul Bond, Writing on Skin Summary:

This must be the new guy, but he sure doesn't look the part.

What I liked: SOULBONDING. I won't give it all away, so suffice to say there's a match to shapes that I enjoyed, and also a pull to keep them together.

Other Stories I Enjoyed

A Divinely Attractive Arrangement (5895 words) by Fahye Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Love and Friendship (2016) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Sir James Martin, Lord Manwaring, Lady Susan Vernon Summary:

A selection from the Private Diary of Sir James Martin of Martindale. Concerning Peas, Friendship, the state of Blessed Matrimony, and several wonders of Modern Medicine.

What I liked: This is absolutely hilarious. The characterization is spot-on, and I laughed all the way through it.

Exclusive, Mutually (1507 words) by youjik33 Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Arrested Development Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: George Oscar "Gob" Bluth/Tony Wonder Characters: Michael Bluth, Lindsay Bluth Funke, George Oscar "Gob" Bluth, Tony Wonder Summary:

“You realize they’re only even having a wedding for the attention, right?” Michael asked.

Lindsay looked at him quizzically. “Well, yeah, why else?”

What I liked: This is an outsider pov on Gob and Tony Wonder's wedding. It's funny, and I also suggest listening to the mood music linked in the notes as you read.

Aviens Rex (1603 words) by sumeria Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: birdsrightsactivist (Twitter) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Bird (birdsrightsactivist) & Original Character(s) Characters: Bird (birdsrightsactivist), Original Male Character(s), Original Child Character(s) Additional Tags: Twitter, Yuletide, epistolary?, no politics Summary:

In which Brad and Steve just want to have a picnic and a Tyrannosaurus is only another kind of bird.

What I liked: This is a very funny story told in tweets where we see both sides of Bird's interaction with a family having a picnic.

They Call it Undercover Work for a Reason (But Not That Reason) (8273 words) by greywash Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Spy (2015), Olympics RPF Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Nancy B. Artingstall & Susan Cooper, Susan Cooper/OFC, Susan Cooper/Nancy B. Artingstall/OFC (ish), Susan Cooper/Rick Ford, Susan Cooper/Rick Ford/Nancy B. Artingstall (ish), Nancy B. Artingstall/the Italian men's Olympic rowing team Characters: Susan Cooper (Spy 2015), Nancy B. Artingstall Additional Tags: Yuletide Treat, the olympics, Actual Bids for the 2024 Summer Olympics, (but everything else is made up), (definitely 100 percent made up), Los Angeles 2024, Paris 2024, Budapest 2024, international espionage, Adventure, The CIA: Have Fun and See Europe While Hitting Lots of Dudes in the Face, Rivalry, Hatesex, Alternate title: The Dr. Seuss Compendium of Hatesex, Would you do it on a plane?, Would you do it at a party?, Would you do it in an alley?, Would you do it on a Ferrari?, Cephalopods, Oh my God Rick Ford be better at your job, Susan and Nancy 2017 World Tour, I have 'friends' at the American embassy, Everything author knows about French accents they learned from Harry Potter IV, (sorry France), Irresponsible use of Google Translate, (sorry everyone), shh shh you have a head wound, maybe guest starring some famous person's second cousin once removed or something just because, also there's a yacht Summary:

"Cooper," says Crocker. "We've had word of an agent trying to undermine the American bid for the 2024 Summer Olympics."

"Do we care about the Olympics?" asks Nancy.

What I liked: This is exactly as absurd as a Spy story should be.

10 Things I Hate About Reunions (17278 words) by BryroseA Chapters: 2/2 Fandom: 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kat Stratford/Patrick Verona Characters: Kat Stratford, Patrick Verona, Bianca Stratford Additional Tags: Partial epistolary - text messages, Post-Canon, the 2nd chapter is just the story stripped of all formatting for accessibility Summary:

Is there anyone less likely than Katerina Stratford to go to their high school reunion?

Well...maybe there is one person.

What I liked: I loved the mix of Kat and Bianca's relationship and the improbable coincidences that happen because of Bianca's scheming.

And All The Roads Are Blinding (7978 words) by moemachina Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kat Stratford/Patrick Verona Characters: Kat Stratford, Patrick Verona, Bianca Stratford, Cameron James Additional Tags: Lovers to Friends to Lovers, Sisterhood, Social Media, History of Technology Summary:

In the years after high school, Kat tentatively becomes friends with her ex-boyfriend Patrick. And then Bianca gets married.

What I liked: The slow reconnecting, and also the bits about Bianca's relationships with her exes.

Days Gone Down (1614 words) by Nomad Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Eroica Yori Ai o Komete | From Eroica with Love Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Klaus von dem Eberbach, Klaus von dem Eberbach's father, Dorian Red Gloria Additional Tags: Future Fic, Yuletide Treat Summary:

An aging Klaus has a conversation with his father.

What I liked: Aging, the connection between Klaus and his father, the mix of that serious conversation with the ridiculousness that (of course) occurs when Dorian shows up.

Friday Night Bracing for Monday (21485 words) by Addison R Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Good Will Hunting (1997) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Will Hunting/Chuckie Sullivan Characters: Chuckie Sullivan, Will Hunting, Morgan O'Mally, Billy McBride Additional Tags: Sharing Clothes, Happy Ending, Sharing a Bed, Postcards, Canon-typical language, Families of Choice, Past Violence, Past Child Abuse, Post-Movie(s), Yuletide 2016 Summary:

Chuckie grows up a little, and Will moves back to Boston.

What I liked: Stories about people growing up and getting their lives together are my faaaavorite.

The Dame's Only Doing It for that Doll (1561 words) by major_general Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Guys and Dolls - Loesser/Swerling/Burrows Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sarah Brown/Sky Masterson Characters: Sky Masterson, Sarah Brown, Nicely-Nicely Johnson Additional Tags: Rule 63, Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sky Masterson, Misses Clause Challenge Summary:

Sgt. Sarah Brown runs a mission on her own terms in the years after agreeing to a Boston marriage with Sky Masterson.

What I liked: Lesbian Sky Masterson! Also the effect of a gangster and a missionary making a life together.

Renovation (2712 words) by faithfulcynic Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Practical Magic (1998) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Bridget "Jet" Owens, Frances Owens Additional Tags: Humor, Siblings, Magic, The House has Opinions, Franny watches HGTV, Jet wants another brownie Summary:

Every decade or so, Frances has the urge to renovate the House and every decade or so the House has other plans. Jet always gets caught in the middle.

What I liked: I enjoyed the House's personality and the battles it has with Frances.

Stories By Me

Every Single Holiday (4043 words) Fandom: Spy (2015) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Susan Cooper/Rick Ford Characters: Susan Cooper (Spy 2015), Rick Ford, Nancy B. Artingstall Additional Tags: Dick in a Box, 5+1 Things Summary:When it comes to gift-giving, Ford's repertoire is somewhat limited.

First Choices (2017 words) Fandom: Chalion Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: the Bastard (Chalion), Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting Summary:A growing number of L.G.B.T. Quintarians are choosing to devote themselves to gods other than the Bastard.

Life to the Kingdom (2097 words) Fandom: The Huntsman (Movies) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: The Huntsman/Sara (The Huntsman)/Snow White (The Huntsman), The Huntsman/Sara (The Huntsman), The Huntsman/Snow White (The Huntsman), Sara (The Huntsman)/Snow White (The Huntsman), Snow White/William (The Huntsman) Characters: The Huntsman (The Huntsman), Sara (The Huntsman), Snow White (The Huntsman), William (The Huntsman) Additional Tags: Threesome - F/F/M, Infidelity, Future Fic Series: Part 1 of The Huntsman: Future's Hope Summary:When the kingdom of the north had been freed and the mirror's shards taken to Sanctuary, Eric and Sara returned to Snow White's kingdom.

Hope Of Our Hearts (4031 words) Fandom: The Huntsman (Movies) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: The Huntsman/Sara (The Huntsman)/Snow White (The Huntsman), The Huntsman/Sara (The Huntsman), The Huntsman/Snow White (The Huntsman), Snow White/William (The Huntsman) Characters: Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s), Snow White (The Huntsman), William (The Huntsman), The Huntsman (The Huntsman), Sara (The Huntsman), Ravenna (The Huntsman) Additional Tags: Future Fic, Past Infidelity Series: Part 2 of The Huntsman: Future's Hope Summary: When the Heir to Snow White's kingdom, who was known to the people not only by her name of Hope but also as Hope-of-our-hearts, had reached her majority, word came from the kingdom to the east that they were being harried at their eastern border by an army of nearly supernatural strength.

#fic rec #yuletide

[d2kvirus]

Dickheads of the Month: August 2019

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of August 2019 to make sure that they are never forgotten. 

When there was the possibility of the parliamentary sovereignty that Leavers harp on about, off sprinted proven liar Boris Johnson to Balmoral to beg the Queen to suspend parliament in order to force through a No Deal Britait - but of course, everyone but him are the “traitors” in this sordid affair, even after Ben Wallace apparently forgot that cameras and microphones exist when blabbing about how Johnson did this due to fearing that his working majority of one wouldn't survive a No Confidence vote

It was so nice of Michael Coudrey to post a blatantly faked screenshot of El Paso shooter Patrick Crusias’ MyLife profile page to try and claim that Crusas was a left-wing extremist rather than, oh I don’t know, a white supremacist who happened to parrot several of Trump’s soundbites about Hispanics, let alone consider that maybe mass shootings are something that shouldn’t happen with alarming frequency

Meanwhile it was equally predictable that Paul Joseph Watson was jumping up and down yelling “See!  See!  A leftist went on a killing spree!” which not only made it obvious he was trying to divert attention from the El Paso shooter, but also drew attention to the fact that while the alt right were tripping over one another to make excuses for Patrick Crusas as he’s some poor innocent victim of society, as soon as it emerged that Connor Betts isn’t one of them the excuses evaporated

So naturally, peak twattery followed when Dmitriy Andreychenko walked into his local Missouri branch of Walmart toting a tactical rifle and handgun while wearing body armor, and when he was arrested for being such a monumental fuckwit he bleated something about testing to see if Walmart respected his Second Amendment rights

Yet somehow the UK couldn’t laugh at Americans trying to blame video games for mass shootings thanks to Priti Patel trying to create a direct link between stabbings and fried chicken

Of course Jo Swinson has taken it upon herself to say she and only she can stop Britait, which was obvious by her rejecting Jeremy Corbyn’s proposal of an interim government out of hand without any reason in spite of the fact that, as Leader of the Opposition, of a vote of no confidence in Boris Johnson does get through the Commons it will be Corbyn who is asked to put together an interim government - but Jo Swinson instead suggested the first tow backbenchers she could think of because she cannot countenance the idea of Labour stopping Britait, as at that point what is she other than somebody who lies about her voting record?

This month it was Arron Banks who wanted to sound triggered to a sociopathic degree by Greta Thunberg with his lovely response to her yachting across the Atlantic by tweeting that freak yachting accidents tend to happen at this time of year, while Julia Halfwit Hartley-Brewer posted some lame tweet gloating about she and her family would be flying across the Atlantic instead, meanwhile Roger Helmer resorted to calling her a “Swedish pixie” during one of the rare occasions he remained awake when in public and Paul Joseph Watson talked about how an autistic girl was being “exploited” - but because Arron Banks has to be Arron Banks, he had to have the most cuntish last word and said it was just a joke...like saying women wearing burqas look like letterboxes

As if proven liar Boris Johnson hadn’t used the NHS as a platform for his outright lies enough in the past three years, he pledged an increase in funding...that was actually funding that NHS providers had been saving up for the past three years, but had been unable to spend in that time as the Tory government banned them from spending it...until it became convenient enough to allow them to spend their own money

If only somebody suggested to Lou Dobbs that, if you see a group of protesters sat in the road outside the ICE facility that employs you, driving your truck just inches from their faces is guaranteed to piss them off - and then using that as an excuse to plow through the pissed off crowd is guaranteed to cost you your job and piss off everyone bar the weirdos who believe it’s not vehicular assault if you run into people with differing opinions to you

It clearly did not occur to Steve King when trying to find a logical reason to say abortions should be banned that saying the human race may not exist if not for cases of rape and incest tens of thousands of years ago doesn’t in any way defend his position, instead make it sound uncannily like he’s on the side of those who raped and pillaged

It didn’t take long before Boris Johnson started reading from the Bannon playbook, stating that he would not take interviews with the press as they’re all biased against him - yes, even the BBC, the Murdoch Empire, the Daily Mail and Daily Express, all of whom have been churning out unthinkingly slanted headlines in his favour

It was so nice that James Cleverly repeatedly wanted to talk about how the Tory MP  William Wilberforce fought to end slavery...even after it was pointed out to him the first time he made that statement that Wilberforce stood as an independent and not a Tory, no matter how many times Cleverly tries to rewrite history

Let’s see if I’ve got this straight: the Lib Dems state that they will do everything in their power to stop Britait...yet Jo Swinson has ruled out going into coalition with either Labour or the SNP, in spite the fact they both have far more MPs than the Lib Dems and just so happen to also be opposing Britait

Similarly, the best idea Caroline Lucas had for solving Britait was for an all-woman cabinet that just so happened to include her, Jo Swinson, Heidi Allen, Justine Greening, Yvette Cooper and Anna Soubry among others - and seemed confused when it was mentioned that not only did her dream cabinet exclude all men but it didn’t include a single non-white MP either, and appears to have forgotten that a woman spent between 2016-19 fucking the process up at every turn

In the latest Priti Patel brainfart, she suggested that migrants earning less than £36,000 a year are no longer welcome in the UK...clearly failing to comprehend that arbitrary figure is higher than the basic salary of any member of NHS staff, any teacher or any police officer - you know, something a Home Secretary should be able to understand...

Walking proof that nominative determinism isn't really a thing James Cleverley could only try and claim that the leaked Operation Yellowhammer dossier was “out of date” and was no remotely relevant to any discussion about what would happen if the UK leaves the EU without a deal...even though the dossier was dated 1st August 2019

There was something deeply sinister about how the BBC described Owen Jones as a “Labour activist” after he was assaulted, as opposed to...oh I don’t know?  A journalist?

With the Leave hardcore now lionising chlorinated chicken of all things, it;s not surprise that Darren Grimes tried to say there’s no issue because we also have chlorinated water...somehow spectacularly missing the point

I have no idea how the Entertainment Software Association managed to bungle so badly that they managed to release the personal information of thousands of people who attended this year’s E3, including games journalists and Youtubers/Twitch streamers, but they managed it nonetheless

In a quite remarkable turn of events there was a controversy regarding Borderlands 3 that didn’t involve Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford, instead it was Take Two Interactive sending private investigators to the doorstep of Youtuber SupMatto to harass him into keeping quiet, and because he wasn’t keeping quiet they abused Youtube’s copyright system on an industrial scale with over 100 copyright strikes to force him off the platform because of reasons

For a documentarian Stacey Dooley makes an awful lot of factual blunders, the latest of which being a Panorama documentary where she described a Muslim prayer gesture as an “ISIS salute”, leading to the BBC removing the clip from the documentary...on the iPlayer, but leaving it in unchallenged for its initial broadcast

You would think that Microsoft wouldn’t be so dense as to release an update that cripples the computers of everyone using Windows 7 due to somebody typing a 2 instead of a 1 in one line of code, but that’s exactly what happened with the KB4512506 update that was coded by someone who assumed everyone has Windows 10

As it was time for Suzanne Moore to vomit another opinion piece into the pages of the Guardian, she took it upon herself to write a piece that managed to insinuate that Shilpa Shetty somehow deserved the racial abuse she received from Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd on Celebrity Big Brother back in 2007 because...hold on a minute...because Shetty had servants at home while the others didn’t which apparently makes it alright

The outraged howls from Manchester City fans and football pundits alike all because VAR rightly disallowed what would have been a last-minute winner for City was truly a sight to behold, because apparently VAR exists to make things easier for a small kabal of teams and everyone else can get fucked

...and demonstrated by Mike Dean using The Wenger Defence of “I didn’t see it guv” a week later to overrule VAR stating that Tottenham should have been awarded a penalty

...and yet the depths were truly plumbed when Ian Holloway blamed the EU for the fact he doesn’t understand the offside law, even though as a football pundit (and former manager) he’s literally paid to understand it

Ooblets developers Glumberland decided to double down on their dickheadishness which began with their smug and condescending blog post explaining why they decided to make their game an Epic Games Store exclusive, but they followed that up by acting like complete bellends on their Discord that culminated with them responding to somebody asking when they could buy the game with their own currency by telling them that nobody owed them the game

With both Bury and Bolton facing extinction, trust Sky Sports News to cover this by having a clock ticking down in the corner of the screen all day, as if the possibility (and, in Bury’s case, eventuality) of a club being kicked out of the league was the same thing as Deadline Day

Britain’s most triggered man Piers Moron Morgan was predictably irked by the Meghan Markle guest-editing Vogue because obviously somebody doing that is only after the publicity...a sentiment he neglected to express when Kate Middleton did the exact same thing a few years previously

The sensible thing that Bethesda should have done after the have done after the humiliation conga line that was Fallout 76 was try not to do anything that would irritate gamers further.  So instead they decided that, when releasing Doom - that’s the 1993 original, not the 2016 reboot - it would require players to use their Bethesda account to play the actual game 

I know it’s a cheapshot, but did UKIP really elect somebody named Dick Braine as their new leader?

How the hell did Apple develop a credit card that gets discoloured if it touches materials such as denim or leather, or to put it another way if it’s in somebody’s pocket or wallet?  What are they supposed to do?  Carry it around in their hand at maximum reach?

If you have a name like Michael Buerk it isn’t a good idea to make your name fair game, but that’s exactly what he did when he suggested that it’s potentially a good thing for obese people to die early as it would save the NHS money

And of course, it wouldn't be a month without Donald Trump being a colossal cockhead, and he certainly disappoint with his prioritising schmoozing with guests at Mar A Lago while people in Dayton and El Paso were experiencing the aftermath of their respective mass shootings, and when the Orange Overlord deigned to make a statement he not only demonstrated he couldn’t give a toss by talking about the mass shootings in Toledo and El Paso, but his response to it being plain for all to see that white nationalism was the catalyst for both was to blame video games for all of society’s ills

#dickheads of the month

[xwadimx]

III Eintrag - 07.06.2019

Suffer.Halt's Maul. Mir gehts nicht gut.Ich habe gearbeitet. Von gestern 21 Uhr bis heute um 8.14 Uhr bin ich eingepennt und Papa hat mich um 21 Uhr geweckt.

Ich rauche gerade.Darleen hat endlich geantwortet sie meint das sie es schade findet wie ich mich bei Instagramm präsentiere.Es sei unehrlich. Sie hat Recht.Sie hat es direkt durchschaut.Durchschaut klingt so dumm. Ich möchte kurz noch mal diese Nachricht lesen.Ey ohne Spaß ich häng hier gerade so durch. Ich ..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Ich bin heute irgendwie so komisch drauf...ich bin die ganze Zeit gereitzt und könnnte schon wieder so todes selbstmittleidig heulen.Die Welt ist so böse zu dir Bapsi du armes Würstchen. Ich habe Sascha angeschnautzt und Caro...und ich ;MAAAN.

In meiner Wohnung ist es so warm.Und warum kullertn da jetzt eine Träne. Okay.Ich bin einfach fucking einsam es ist einfach so.Papa war gerade da um sich das dumme Schreiben von dem viel dümmeren Inkasso Unterehmen mitzunehmen.Richterliches Mahnverfahren wegen 36 ist lit. Als er gerade gehen wollte, hatte ich ihm gesagt das Darleen geschrieben hat. Dann meinte ich das egal ist und er ist gegangen. Er musste arbeiten von daher. Warum bin ich da wütend auf Mutti ? ...kann man das ins Verhältnis setzen ?

Der Mensch braucht einen Kurs ( Ziel ) im Leben sonst steuer er nur irgendwie hin und her.Ich denke ich sollte mir bewusst werden wofür ich klingt das überdramatisch lebe ? Eigentlich nicht ...jeder Mensch sucht doch irgend.Halt einfach dein Maul. Ich muss morgen noch mal arbeiten. Ich will nicht. Es ist mir egal wenn das heute alles nicht so mega deep ist. Ich kann alles auch gerade nicht so wirklich in Worte fassen was in mir gerade ist. Ich habe Moritz angeschrieben und ihm die Sache wegen Darleen erzählt und er hat es komplett unkommentiert angenommen.Nichts. Kein Wort. Das hat mich echt verunsichert und traurig gemacht. Ich hatte überlegt ihm nen riesigen Text zu schreiben aber dann ist mir irgenwie aufgefallen das es absolut nicht okay ist was ich da eigentlich vorhab. Ich weiß nicht wie es Moritz geht. Ich weiß nicht ob er das möchte. Ich weiß nicht ob er es kommentieren möchte oder kann. Ich habe, nachdem nichts kam, einfach Aua geschrieben. Nachdem etwas kam.Wie ekelhaft irgendwas hervorzupressen.

Gott...Ich hätte heute einfach weiterschlafen sollen. Was ist gut an diesem Tag ? Ich war arbeiten.Ich habe Geld verdient (Wuhuuu).Ich habe nach dem Dienst zum ersten Mal in meinem Leben ein Rubbellos gekauft (das ist irgendwie nicht gut) und direkt 4 Euro gewonnen.Ich habe gegessen.Ich habe mehr als 7 Stunden geschlafen.Darleen hat mir geschrieben. Ich bin aufgestanden um einen Eintrag zu schreiben. Der Tag war nicht komplett kacke.Man fokusiert sich die ganze Zeit wieder nur auf Traurigkeit und schlechte Dinge. Geld ist weder gut noch schlecht. Es ist ein neutrales Zahlungsmittel was uns in diesem System die Freiheit ermöglicht sich selber zu verwirklichen. In Bedürfnissen, Träumen und der Art und Weise wie man von der Rampe seiner 3 Millionen Yacht steigt. Nun versteh ich nicht was das für eine Freiheit ist wenn man dafür Geld braucht. Wenn man kein Geld hat ist man nicht frei ? Es ist doch unsinn wenn man das Spektrum seiner Freiheit auf die Größe seiner Brieftasche reduziert. Und außerdem greift das nicht den Status vo Geld selbst an ? Im Endeffekt find ich es persönlich etwas negativ behaftet das die Freiheit abhänig von Geld ist was meiner meinung nach kacke ist. Wie Nazis.Oder Kacke.

Ich werd das hier beenden.Ich geh jetzt duschen.Und dannach...kein Plan. Berührungen und Streicheln sind wichtig für Menschen. Bei sanfter zärtlicher Berührung wie durch streicheln der Haut werden im Körer verschiedene feine Nervenbahnen angesprochen die zum freisetzen von Glückshormonen verantwortlich sind. Außerdem beeinflusst es positiv die Aufnahme von Glückshormonen. Gerade bei Menschen die unter Angstzuständen oder Panickattacken leide kann es sehr hilfreich sein.Denn Berührungen können beruigend auf den Puls und das Herz wirken. Das ist nicht bei allen menschen der Fall. Manche Menschen fühlen sich sehr schnell eingeängt und schütten dadurch das Stresshormon Cortisol aus.Man sieht der Mensch ist Mensch.

[cksmart-world]

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

by Christopher Smart

May 7, 2019

DANGERS OF AX TROWING AND KARAOKE

& DEMOCRATS DON'T GET IT

You know how it is after a long week; you want to get together with friends, kick back and enjoy a little ax throwing. And what goes better with ax throwing than beer? The fact is, without beer, ax throwing isn't nearly as fun and challenging. But don't tell that to the teetotalers at the Utah State Legislature. And if that weren't bad enough, the Mormonslature also has outlawed beer with Karaoke, as first reported by The Salt Lake Tribune's crack Karaoke reporter, Kathy Stephenson. It's just ridiculous — Karaoke is practically impossible unless you're a little drunk. OK, maybe too many brews while ax throwing could pose something of a minor hazard — remember the episode of Daniel Boone where Mingo gets into the moonshine? Still, beer could not possibly make Karaoke more dangerous than it already is. And like the rest of Utah's liquor laws, this is going to drive the Travel Council nuts. Just think of the fallout when The Vacation Times reports that tourists can't drink while ax throwing or singing Karaoke in St. George, Moab and Park City. We will look so dumb. Or as the Japanese would say: Are you fucking kidding me.

Democrats Don't Get It

There are certain things Democrats just don't get. For example, they don't understand why Sarah Huckabee Sanders keeps lying. They must be living in a parallel universe. Democrats also don't understand why President Donald Trump loves Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin. Come on, really? Some Democrats don't seem to get why Trump keeps calling the news media “the enemy of the people.” And they can't quite grasp why Republicans are willing to stand by as the president undermines the rule of law. Like with subpoenas — the Dems think that administration officials should show up when subpoenaed by the House of Representatives to answer questions on such things as obstruction of justice. At least the Republicans understand that just because there is all that stuff about checks and balances, it doesn't mean the administration has to honor the Constitution. Much of this would not have come up at all if the Dems hadn't regained control of the House in 2018. When Republicans had firm control of Congress, the president could do as pleased because Republicans don't want to cross Trump and his MAGA troops by upholding their sworn responsibilities. What's so hard to understand about that?

Greenies Piss Off Inland Port Board

OK, who are the crazy protestors who think we should protect the environment and stymie economic development. The so-called “SLC Protestors” are somehow upset over plans to build a massive Inland Port near The Great Salt Lake that would bring trucks, trains and planes to Salt Lake City, where goods would be warehoused and transferred elsewhere by more trucks, trains and planes. The tree-huggers recently shut down an Inland Port Board meeting with their ribald shenanigans. They say the Inland Port will pollute the air and harm the wetlands that are part of the flyway for thousands of migrating birds. But so what if it will wreck the environment. Don't they understand we're talking about growth, growth and more growth and economic development and money and jobs and more money? They don't get it — once everything is paved over, there will be more tax revenue. The State of Utah usurped the zoning and taxing power of the proposed Inland Port area from Salt Lake City so the mayor and City Council wouldn't screw things up. The Inland Port Authority Board, appointed by the Legislature, will not be answerable to voters. But who asked them, anyway?

High Fives For Bill Barr And Mike Lee

Are Attorney General Bill Barr and Utah Sen. Mike Lee great, or what? Boy, did they show those stupid Democrats how the cows eat the cabbage at the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, where Republicans could see nothing but good news in the report of special counsel Robert Mueller. “The Democrats are spreading baseless innuendo,” Lee said of claims of obstruction, noting that the report has nothing but high praise for the honesty and integrity of Donald Trump. For his part, Barr had trouble understanding allegations from Democrats that he mislead Congress regarding Mueller's findings, because the Dems, apparently, speak Pig Latin. Obstruction of justice, what? Did you mean obstruction — or did you mean justice? What are they anyway? Barr ran circles around them — uh, I'm struggling with the word, “suggest,” he said. Just brilliant. And no one was more appreciative of Barr's see-no-evil routine than Mike “I'm-the-smartest-guy-in-the-room” Lee, who happens to be a self-proclaimed expert on the Constitution (except for the part on separation of powers). Lee and Barr agree the president can't obstruct justice, no matter what, unless he's Bill Clinton. Utahns and Americans can rest assured, the Mueller report is total vindication of the greatest president in the history of mankind. End of story.

Post Script — If you're tired of the news out of Washington, you can always turn to sports. At the Kentucky Derby, NFL stars Tom Brady and Danny Amendola made a $100,000 bet on how far the former New England wide receiver could throw a football. Brady lost, but really, it's only chump change for those guys. Also, you might check out Tiger Woods 155-foot yacht he dubbed Privacy. The $20 million, 6,500-square-foot floating palace sleeps 21 and costs millions to operate. Meanwhile, Steph Curry of the Golden State Warriors basketball team makes a paltry $34 million a year. And Stephen Strasburg of the Washington Nationals baseball team ekes out $38.3 million per season. Is this a great country, or what. It might be a good time to ask your boss for a raise so you can afford a ticket to a sporting event. On the other hand, there's always the Barcalounger and ESPN. Don't forget the PBR — 'cause that's all you can afford.

Well that's it for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep tabs on who is banging whom on Game Of Thrones so you don't have to. Actually, that's a lie. We can't keep up — it's worse than All My Children. OK, Wilson, wake up the band and take us out with a little something for our own personal soap opera:

Now that I've lost everything to you / You say you wanna start something new / And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin' / Baby, I'm grievin' / But if you wanna leave, take good care / I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear / But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there / Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world / It's hard to get by just upon a smile...

[junker-town]

How to be a bandwagon Falcons fan, from actual Falcons fans

Hold tight, there’s a lot to know.

Hello. You’re probably here because your team was one of the 30 unfortunate franchises that didn’t make the Super Bowl (been there before) or you just hate the Patriots so much that you need to take on the other franchise in this Super Bowl.

It just so happens that team is the Atlanta Falcons this season.

So here you are, trying to look like a legitimate Atlanta Falcons fan for whatever reason that may be. Fear not, by the time you finish reading this — no matter where you are from or what team you typically rep — you will come across as a real-ass Atlanta Falcons fan.

Players you need to know

Introducing the entire team would be way too long and unnecessary, so here’s some extremely basic info about the players you’ll hear from the most on Sunday.

There’s no better place to start than quarterback Matt Ryan, aka “Matty Ice.” There’s a vocal contingent of fans who have just about despised him up until this season, but he’s put it all together and gotten help from the rest of the offense. Now, Ryan appears to have built the strongest case to win the NFL MVP award.

His best target is Julio Jones. If you find yourself on Twitter during the game and Jones happens to make a big play, simply tweet “JULIOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and you’ll fit right in.

JULIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

— Harry Lyles Jr. (@harrylylesjr) January 22, 2017

Fans have also adopted the same with Mohamed Sanu, by tweeting “SANUUUUUUUUUUU” give or take some o’s and u’s in each, of course.

In the backfield, Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman are responsible for making opposing defenses put their hands on their hips or knees in exhaustion, desperately trying to get every last breath of air that they can.

Also: DEVONTAAAAAAAAAAA!

Defensively, know Vic Beasley, the NFL’s regular season leader in sacks. And don’t forget the vet, Dwight Freeney, and young defensive backs Keanu Neal and Robert Alford.

This team also loves its ping pong, and SB Nation’s own Jeanna Thomas is your insider for all things there.

Matt Ryan just used his hand as a ping pong paddle. Good awareness, savvy veteran move

— Jeanna (@jeannathomas) December 2, 2016

He’s not a player, but you should also know about head coach Dan Quinn. The Falcons have gone through plenty of coaches in the past, but Quinn is a proven winner in the past with the Seahawks, and has brought that same feeling to Atlanta.

Know the Falcons’ struggle

The Falcons haven’t had a lot of nice things in the past. They have the third-worst winning percentage of all 32 NFL franchises in history, with an all-time record of 341-437-6. Only the Arizona Cardinals and Tampa Bay Buccaneers are worse. Within that losing record are plenty of single moments that had — and still have — fans shaking their heads in disbelief.

A “BRIEF” RUNDOWN:

Dave Hampton becoming the first 1,000-yard rusher in team history, then losing it on the next play

Losing Michael Vick after he went to prison for dogfighting

Watching Bobby Petrino leave — for Arkansas — with the quickness

Jim Mora said he'd take the University of Washington head coaching job over the Falcons job "even if they were in the playoffs”

Scoring 2 points in a playoff game against the Giants

Blowing a 17-point lead in the 2012 NFC Championship to the 49ers

Losing on a pick-2 to the Chiefs

Eugene Robinson getting arrested the night before Super Bowl XXXIII after trying to solicit a prostitute who was actually an undercover cop

The Tomahawk Chop (a Braves rallying cheer) broke out in a home game in 1991, which seemed cool... until they lost.

Trading away a young Brett Favre, even though he wasn’t all that great in Atlanta. It was still Brett Favre.

Wade Traynham whiffed on the opening kickoff in the team’s second game in 1966

The 15 years between those big playoff games vs. Dallas and Dan Reeves getting hired, the Falcons were 79-147-1, a .350 winning percentage

When Deion Sanders returned to the Georgia Dome after playing five seasons with the team and stared down the entire sideline while running back a pick-six

The “Gritz Blitz” defense. We invented a pressure and named it after FOOD

Picking Aundray Bruce No. 1 overall in 1988. He played 34 games for the Falcons.

The 2012 draft class

Noisegate (we don’t give a shit)

Jamal Anderson’s ACLs

Other items to note

#RISEUP. The Falcons’ mantra was adopted in 2010, and while it initially wasn’t received well when the Falcons weren’t exactly doing too much winning. Now, we’ve pretty much just accepted it for what it is at this point.

This “Rise Up” video is wonderfully soulful, and something that we can all agree is good:

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t play games when the Falcons are on, either:

O MUTHAPHUKKYN K!! Finally, some Grown Man Football! Rise Da Fuck Up!!!!

— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) September 20, 2015

The 1991 Back in Black Falcons, where the team went back to their black uniforms for their 25th anniversary.

The Falcons ran an option offense for three years, with the No. 1 rushing offense, and no one noticed. They said Mike Shanahan invented the option a decade later.

Until 1998, our greatest head coach was a crazy person who awarded himself trophies and gave tickets to invisible Elvis. (Hey, Jerry Glanville)

The Falcons' first owner, Rankin Smith, once got drunk and grounded his yacht, "Pocket Change,” on a reef in the Bahamas

They’ve had a handful of notable players in franchise history

Steve Bartkowski: Bartkowski, who played for 10 years with the Falcons, is the only quarterback in the team’s ring of honor.

William Andrews: Andrews was one of the best running backs in the NFL during his time with the Falcons from 1979-83. He suffered a knee injury that kept him out for two seasons, before coming back as a tight end in 1986 for one season.

Jeff Van Note: Van Note played center, and was a five-time Pro Bowler in Atlanta, where he spent his entire career from 1969-86.

Tommy Nobis: The first player ever drafted by the Falcons in 1966. He was also the first Falcons player to be voted to the Pro Bowl in his rookie season. He is Mr. Falcon.

Deion Sanders: Primetime! He spent the first five seasons of his career with the Falcons, while also playing for the Atlanta Braves. He even played in the 1992 World Series.

Jessie Tuggle: He’s one of the greatest players in franchise history. “The Hammer” was a fierce linebacker that was a fan favorite for over a decade.

Claude Humphrey: Humphrey was a first-round pick by the Falcons in 1968. Another early Falcons legend, he finished his career as the all-time sack leader in franchise history. He’s also a Pro Football Hall of Famer.

Others to know:

Terence Mathis, Bob Whitfield, Bob Christian, T.J. Duckett, Warrick Dunn, Ray Buchanan, Jamal Anderson, Chris Chandler, Keith Brooking, Tony Gonzalez, Alge Crumpler

Rivals of the Atlanta Falcons

1. Saints

2. Saints

3. Bobby Petrino’s team

4. Saints

5. Niners

6. Saints

7. Matty B Raps

8. Bobby Petrino

9. DeAngelo Hall

10. Joe Horn

11. Drew Brees

Musical interests can be used to weed out fakes

Listen, if you haven’t paid attention to anything before this, you need to be on top of this if you’re really trying to sell your “fandom.”

The city of Atlanta does not play when it comes to our music. In particular, the hip-hop scene is something that we hold near and dear to our hearts. I won’t list everything because we’d be here all day. Instead, here’s a brief (and incomplete) list.

Outkast: This is the perfect starting point for anybody trying to fake the funk. Outkast is one part of the Atlanta hip-hop scene that nobody can argue against. Andre 3000 and Big Boi combined for one of the greatest duos hip-hop has ever seen.

Jeezy: Jeezy probably doesn’t get as much love as he deserves. He’s got so many classics like Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101 and The Recession that we won’t list them all. But know Jeezy the Snowman.

Ludacris: Luda is a graduate of Georgia State (where tuition is handled by the dean of students office), and along with Jermaine Dupri, made arguably the Atlanta anthem: “Welcome to Atlanta” which should absolutely play inside any airplane that touches down at Hartsfield-Jackson. But that’s another conversation.

T.I.: He’s got a discography that’s almost as vast as his vocabulary. Also, Michael Vick was in the “Rubberband Man” video. Rise up.

Gucci Mane: You can’t say enough good things about Gucci. Just grab a glass of lemonade and kick back and listen to The State vs. Radric Davis.

Crime Mob: Just know and respect “Knuck if you Buck” and pretend like JuJu on that Beat never happened.

Shawty Lo: The unofficial mayor of Atlanta (R.I.P)

Future: Being proficient in his newer material will suffice. You won’t be on the bandwagon too long, but you should be listening to Future if you aren’t anyway.

Migos: They’re arguably the hottest on this list with their new album Culture that came out featuring “Bad and Boujee.” On their song “T-shirt” from Culture the beat is from Dem Franchize Boyz’s “White Tee” just slowed down. Freakin’ geniuses.

Rae Sremmurd: That mannequin challenge that flooded your timeline for a month? That was them. But they make more dope music than just “Black Beatles.” Their name is also “ear drummers” backwards.

Miscellaneous tidbits about Atlanta

The Varsity actually isn’t that great, and we leave it to tourists

We love Waffle House, and you better not slander it

There’s OTP (outside of the perimeter) Atlantans, and ITP (inside the Perimeter) Atlantans

Regardless, anybody in the suburbs 45 mins to an hour from downtown will tell you they’re from Atlanta

If Georgia didn’t have Atlanta, it would be Mississippi

Not all Atlantans drive trucks: some have Dodge Chargers, while others drive Tahoes

Sweet tea

Chick-fil-a is now as common as McDonald’s are everywhere else and we live by it

Almost everybody in and around Atlanta has an ATV, including former Braves great Chipper Jones, who used his to rescue Freddie Freeman during a rare snowstorm

That’s a fairly brief and sufficient rundown of what you’ll need if you’re trying to prove your “Falcons fandom” at your Patriots-fan cousin that you hate’s Super Bowl party or whatever the case may be.

Enjoy the ride.