#given how it's made to feel more lighthearted and formatted more like it's a fucking videogame

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

Ive seenyou mention wuxia a few times now and i wonder what that is. Would you mind explaining it to me?

not the most qualified person to explain this as i'm not, in fact, from china; but i've read a couple of wuxia so here goes:

wuxia is a genre of fiction from china specifically, about martial artists in ancient china. i don't think a specific time period is like required? obviously some dynasties are more popular but idk how it goes in that front. it just has to be Not Today and probably Too Long Ago. like pre industral revolution i think. again idk if that's a requirement, but most i've seen are from around the same relative murky pre-electricity era.

xianxia is a subgenre of wuxia that's specifically more fantasy-like, and it's not just martial arts, but also spiritual powers and cultivation (which i have no fucking clue how to explain without two hours and three tangents other than chinese magic system. if you've ever heard of chi/qi as an energy, it appears there). so like- genshin is by all accounts a xianxia, it just doesn't use the more common specific xianxia terms like cultivation. some of those are very weird to translate and probably not common for the average non-wuxia reader, so it makes sense why they're going for alternatives.

chongyun and xingqiu and xianyun are very much straight out of a xianxia. xianyun's entire story quest was the closest genshin has gotten to a straight xianxia plot so far. i highly reccomend ashikai's video on unnecessary visions if you want more info on why genshin is a xianxia hahah

cyanide narwhal has some talk of some stuff from xianxia, but that's mostly because well- fucking liyue, that's how it works there. the whole light energy striking down someone who's getting powerful and giving them godhood if they survive the strike is, while not exactly like that, something that happens in some xianxia as well. like the way adepti work in general is just very xianxia. ashikai does a much better job explaining it than i do tbh but yeah

TL;DR: wuxia is chinese martial arts fiction in ancient china, and xianxia is a wuxia subgenre with more magic elements. also genshin is a xianxia

#i was going to recomend some xianxia if you're curious but like #genuinely don't know which one is a good starting point #like i'm tempted to say just dive headfirst into mdzs like most of us did but like #is mdzs the best place to start if you know nothing? unsure #genuinely #given how it's made to feel more lighthearted and formatted more like it's a fucking videogame #svsss might be a good launching pad #but tbf it's been a while since i read it #also it has unskippable sex scenes (i think??) so like- if you don't want to read that you're kind of out of luck there #not that mdzs doesn't have that either but they're not literally Plot Relevant. like the plot does not hinge on their horizontal tango #there's probably a good wuxia to start out there but i can't really remember right now #like mdzs is the easiest to recomend bc it's trial by fire and you're going to come out of the other end knowing like 80% of it all #plus it's not nearly as traumatizing as some of the other options #and it's so easily accessible it's almost funny #like take your pick: novel. live action. animation. audio drama. comic #it's fucking everywhere and the fandom is fucking huge so that's a giant plus #but that doesn't change the fact that idk if you can watch a couple episodes to get a feel for the wuxia genre. like would that work?? #so i guess i'll leave that to everyone else to comment with any recomendations if they have a good one #for like an introductory work #or just decide mdzs is just the easiest point of entry. that can always be it. i mean we all made it anyway

[pippuns]

Youve made me curious, what's Tai Sui about? What's the appeal 👀👀

LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE APPEAL ANON!!

tai sui is an absolutely fantastically written steampunk xianxia novel that acts as a deconstruction of the xianxia genre!! if you like detailed world building, questions about the cost of immortality, what makes a god, and identity, themes about environmentalism, class, autonomy, the power of names, and just incredible levels of emotional damage (broken up by the funniest and most annoying (/affectionate) protagonist around), tai sui is for you!!

which is to say. this novel was engineered to make me specifically absolutely lose it LOL

i kept on trying to make this post both coherent and not long and i have given up. here is a bunch of words of me yelling about how much i love tai sui below the page break.

TAI SUI IS SO!!! MY BRAIN!!! ITS BEING REWRITTEN!!!

there is literally no one in the main cast i dont like. they're all so funny in their own ways and so likeable!! I genuinely have such a difficult time picking my favorite character in tai sui because they're all so interesting and well-written, and i love seeing them interact with each other

part of this absolutely has to do the protagonist, xi ping, who is just the funniest man around. he's also the most annoying and i want to see him crushed like a bug (/affectionate). he's really good at bouncing off of other characters, and i love seeing him drag other folks into Problems and Situations and just being a general force of chaos and mayhem in the world

it's also really good that he's so funny and lighthearted because tai sui has some really tragic moments!! it gets fucking sad!! i've cried multiple times and i don't usually cry at media!! i only just finished book three!!

tai sui is also really good at writing women!! i love tai sui women so much. i don't really have much more to say about this but like. gender and wlw win <3

another thing tai sui does that i like a lot is zoom out to focus on the ways the events of the novel are affecting ur average day folks. when i say ''tai sui is about class and environmental issues'' i mean they don't just like, say it in the narration and then not elaborate on it. we explicitly see how people are being affected by the way the world is governed and the hardships they are forced to live through. it's not really left to your imagination.

but something i also really really like is that while priest does show the hardship that characterizes the lives of the people, they also show the ways in which people struggle to live on regardless.

tai sui is about tragedy in a lot of ways, but it's not a tragedy they take lying down, and it's not like people don't find their own moments of happiness in spite of the hard lives they live. which is really important to me!! its something i genuinely appreciate from the narration so much!! yes, life is hard. yes, things are difficult. and yes, people find a way to continue on regardless!!!!

PUNCHES A WALL. IM SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT TAI SUI.

ALSO THE NARRATION IS SO GORGEOUS??? LIKE HELLO??? IM LITERALLY OBSESSED WITH THE PROSE. EATS IT WHOLE LIKE IM A BURMESE PYTHON. or uh. like im going out to a gyro place with my friends and i get so focused on eating the food that i don't notice that i'm eating the sandwich paper wrap until a fair amount of it is chowed down haha :')

i also mentioned this a little on my side twitter but the way tai sui is formatted is also really fun to me. like. it feels like a tv show with the way the scenes change and the cliff hangers the chapters end on sometimes. which is why it really doesn't feel like its 900k words. you just keep going and then BOOM ur done with a book. the real reason im doodling my way through this novel is to force myself to go slow. bc otherwise i would have finished it in a week (there is something wrong with me).

anyways please read tai sui

#pip speaks #i cannot be normal <3 please understand <3 #side twitter is zapphalt. i have more specific text analysis and thoughts there #but its full of spoilers </3 #i tried to keep it short but in my defense you asked why it appealed to me #disclaimer these are the reasons why it appeals to me specifically. there are many more reasons to like tai sui that i have not listen #partially bc i literally can just keep going on. partially bc if i continue there will be spoilers. #edit: added a link to where you can read it :)

[penncilkid]

Hello hello! My name is PK and I'm a fervent enjoyer of non-canon ships. I'm not a fic writer exactly but I've been told "Where's the fic OP" twice now by my friends. So I thought I'd format one of my fic-adjacent ramble sessions for Tumblr!

Pairing: Milo/David [No Sweetheart or Angel, wanted to go easy on myself] [MDNI*] [Let's call this "canon reminiscent /lh]

Word Count: 3.2 K

*(I wouldn't consider this smut by any means but there's a few lines that make me want to add this as a tag)

[As a reminder, I diverge from canon quite a bit with this. This is just one route I could see leading to Milo and David getting together]

My vision for this pair is that they start getting closer in a more than just friends way a little bit after Gabe dies. Not immediately because have some decorum, but it would start during that transition period for David as Alpha. Asher is trying his best to help but is also grappling with the whole Beta thing, so he feels like he's in a complex position. But him and Milo can see that David's not doing great so Milo's like "Fine, I'll bite the bullet" and tries to confront David about it.

At first it's subtle, asking David if he needs help with something, if he wants anyone from the pack to stay after for meetings, if he wants them to pick up a shift so he can have the day off, etc. But David is too stubborn to accept any of it so he keeps brushing them off. This ends up culminating in a "fight" one day where Milo again tries to make an offer that David shoots down. Milo sort of snaps and is like "Alright, what the fuck gives? Why are you acting like you're too good to get help anymore, David?" David says he doesn't know what he's talking about, Milo calls bullshit. It doesn't turn into a screaming match but it's enough of a heated argument that Milo storms out of the den.

In the days following, Milo either calls out sick, switches shifts with people, anything to avoid seeing David. David brushes it off, thinking he's got more important things to worry about if Milo's going to throw a fit. But of course, Ash being Ash means this stuff can't fly for long, so he tells both David and Milo that he needs help with something at an odd time of day and then "coincidentally" doesn't show up. When Milo gets to the den, he's real tempted to get back in his car and leave. It's a mix of still being a little frustrated with David and being embarrassed that this "fight" has gone on for as long as it has. He walks up to David (who was waiting outside for Asher) and is like "Lemme guess, you're waiting for Ash?" "How did you...?" "Fucker told me the same thing."

They do some lighthearted bitching about their friend, which eases the tension. There's a bit of silence and right as Milo gets ready to apologize for speaking out of turn, David apologizes first. He acknowledges that Milo was right in what he said and that he's been struggling with everything changing, but he hasn't wanted it to show on the outside. Milo makes a light jab at David, "Alright well did you really expect that to go over my head? C'mon, David, we've known each other since we were kids. Gimme some credit" To make up for it, the two of them go out to eat, all that's chill. Cut to when Milo gets home, maybe has a drink or two as he's winding down. David sends him a message, confirming he made it home alright (because I've always latched onto the idea that he's super attentive to that given what happened with Gabe). Milo sends David a quick reply and wonders why seeing that message made him feel some type of way (romantic? Who knows, not Milo that's for sure /lh)

Now if I remember correctly, the audio where Angel learns about Gabe, it's been around 3 years since his passing. Keeping this in mind and in the spirit of being canon reminiscent, I think around/after this point is when Milo's feelings for David start to really bubble up. They've been building for awhile, much to his dismay. He's trying to play it cool, but his heart's in his damn throat any time David touches him casually or whenever the two of them are assigned to a job together. And he knows it's getting bad enough where he might lose focus, so he swallows his pride and does what he's been avoiding for months, if not years: asking Asher for advice.

"Alright, look: You and me both know that you had a lil crush on David when we were in high school. How the fuck did you get over it? I'm drowning, Ash." If this conversation is happening on the phone or at Asher's place, cue him yelling to Babe that they owe him 20 bucks (because it's funny to me <3). Asher asks Milo why he wants to get over the feelings so bad and Milo's like "'Cause this is David we're talking about." "So what?" "We've got... history. That complicates shit all on its own." "And?" "....Alright fine, and I'm also terrified he's not gonna feel the same. Happy?" Asher is being the little shit that he is, putting his arm around Milo's shoulder. "Listen. If I know David— And believe me, I do— What ya gotta do is be direct. If he doesn't feel the same, that's one thing. But if you even want a chance, you gotta be straight up with him. If you tried to ask him out casually, he'll just assume you're being friendly because that's what you are right now. Friends." Milo takes all this in and is like, "Nope, just gonna shove these feelings down for eternity." "I'll tell Marie—" "I will beat your ass." He knows Asher has a point though. Any idea Milo might've had could be easily construed as them just chilling as friends. But he doesn't really act on anything for awhile.

Now, before we get into the next phase of this, some added backstory: David had a crush on Milo growing up. I'm thinking a little after high school (won't say college necessarily since I don't picture them in college but like, young adulthood phase). He'd always found Milo incredibly attractive and found his boldness admirable in general. David was constantly thinking about what he had to do for others and how to make the pack look good (since he was the Alpha's kid then the pack Beta). Milo always felt incredibly refreshing to be around. But he figured Milo would never be interested in because David's just himself so he eventually got over it. Cut to that argument him and Milo had a few years back. He remembers that night when they made up because dinner had been fine but all he could do was focus on Milo. It felt nice to just hang out with him without the pressures of being Alpha. And he enjoyed listening to him talk about anything because he always had a strong opinion. I think around then is when his past feelings awoke again but there was a new obstacle: He was the Alpha of the pack. It wasn't like before, things were different. He'd never have a chance to pursue Milo without feeling like he had pushed Milo into a corner somehow. So again, he tried his best to push his feelings down, appreciate and value the friendship he had with Milo and leave it at that. It was enough to just have Milo in his life, even if it wasn't going to go any further.

Back to how these two end up together: the Moonbound Solstice. They're all at David's place, everyone's having a good time together. Milo's chilling, talking to someone from the pack when Asher cuts in and is like "Sorry, just gonna steal him for a minute" "Ash, you can't just— AY okay okay I'm coming" They walk off, somewhere far from the kitchen to minimize the risk of David overhearing. In hushed voices: "Alright, so what's the plan?" "Ash, what the fuck are you talking about?" "Milo, it's the Solstice. This is the perfect time to make a move." "Are you out of your damn mind? This is the last place I should be hitting on— On you know who." "What are you talking about it, it's perfect! The whole pack's here, no one would even notice." "Look, he's already got his hands full hosting the Solstice at his own place for a change. I'm just gonna chill and enjoy the night for what it is." Asher is pouting as Milo walks off, immediately thinking of what he can do to help nudge David Milo's way. (Unhinged alt route: Ash giving Milo a flat so he has to stay the night)

Cut to the end of the night, people are heading out and whatnot. David is subtly trying to get people out because he loves his pack but his senses need a break. Asher (+ Babe, package deal) and Milo offer to stay and help clean, and David lets them since it's only a handful of people. Milo's keeping his cool, vibing to the much lower playing music when: "Babe, what do you mean you have a work call you need to take tonight? Can't it wait?" "Sorry, Ash, I need to be home in the next twenty minutes" "Alright. Guess we're heading early." Milo thinks nothing of it until he makes eye contact with Babe. They smile with a sickeningly sweet wave. Those bastards. Before Milo can try to rope Ash into staying somehow, the two of them are gone.

When Milo and David are alone, Milo tries his best to focus on the task at hand because feelings or not, he's not gonna do a shit job at cleaning so David has to clean up after him. Once the bulk of it is done, David mentions that he needs to grab something from upstairs or maybe says he's going to go change out of his clothes (I imagine he put on something better looking but not as comfortable for the solstice). Milo's chill with that, getting his keys, phone, other personal belongings together. He happens to slip into the kitchen though, stealing a bit more of the food David had made for the solstice. While he's stealing (said with love), he hears very close to his ear: "You can take some home if you want." He nearly punches David, gripping his arm as he tries to slow his heart rate. "You tryin' give a guy a heart attack, Shaw (/lh)" because he legit didn't hear David come back downstairs. "Maybe if you weren't busy trying to steal some food, you would've heard me— Greer (/lh)." Milo rolls his eyes with a grin and there's a moment of quiet when he realizes his hand is still on David's arm.

He lets go, clearing his throat, confirming that it's actually cool if he wants to take some of the food home with him. David says sure, giving him a container to fill (or Milo takes whatever the food came in, not sure what I'm picturing David's cooking set-up to be). David walks Milo to the door (as a good host does) and the two of them talk in the doorway for a few minutes about upcoming jobs, responsibilities, all that formal shit. There's another quiet moment as the two of them watch each other. Inside, Milo's like "Alright, no one else is here. This is as good a chance as any." The second he gets ready to ask David out on a more proper date, David instead says "Good night, Milo" and essentially closes the door in his face. Milo stares for a moment before cursing himself in Spanish (my HC), walking to his car and muttering about how "Of course he was just being polite, what the fuck were you thinking?" On the other side of the door, David is groaning into his hands, face warm as he tries to calm down because he came way too close to making a move on Milo.

Intermission (Wow, you're still reading? Damn /pos): I wanted to think of how to push them closer to a confession before they actually get together and eventually settled on "sickfic shenanigans". Insert deliriously sick Milo whose phone died and he can't find a charger for the life of him so David goes over to his place to check on him. Initially, he's trying to get David to leave because "I can handle myself fine". But that doesn't last long because admittedly, he feels like shit and has been for the past 12 hours. The dynamic quickly turns into Milo convincing David to stay then being so sick his filter is hanging on by a thread (/lh). "Why do you have to go rush off so fast?" "Milo, I have a pack to take care of—" "First off, I'm part of the pack— (cue Milo coughing) And second, they'll be fine without their Alpha for a few hours." Milo's playing it off as lighthearted but David can tell he doesn't want to be cooped up inside alone on top of feeling like shit physically. A little later, when Milo's on the verge of falling asleep (as many do while sick), he's like "Y'know, it's fucking wild you don't got a mate, David. Like look at you. Doesn't make sense" David laughs at first, thinking Milo's sick delirious (which he is, but that's affecting his filter, not the validity of his words). He's like "ay, why are you laughing, I'm serious. Look— if I were ya mate, I'd treat ya right. I'd cook, I'd work extra hours so I could see ya, I'd make sure we're the best dressed wherever we go— not to mention, I got a great dick." David writes this off as Milo being sick and spewing nonsense but never forgets the words. Meanwhile, Milo (after getting over the sickness) is convinced he dreamt saying any of that to David.

Back to the present, David's been a bit stressed with work as of late so Asher suggests the pack take a trip/weekend vacation. He says he'll handle figuring everything out, letting David take a backseat this time. They go somewhere, a resort, a hotel, something that involves people having rooms they're staying in. Everyone's having a good time, chilling all day, night rolls around. David's in his room when he realizes he forgot to pack something— can be anything. Toothpaste, a charger, something for his hair, the specifics aren't important. He texts Asher, asking if he has the thing he forgot and Ash is like yeah. David asks Ash which room he's staying in, Ash texts him the room number. David leaves his room, goes there, knocks and waits patiently. Door opens, and who's standing there? Milo, shirtless and in the middle of brushing his teeth or some shit.

David's checking his phone to see if he went to the wrong room but nope, numbers match. "Asher must've made a typo. I just needed to borrow something from him." "Well, what did you need? Maybe I have it." Before David can leave, Milo's busy ushering him in, closing the door so he can finish brushing his teeth before finding what David needs. They're making idle conversation, talking about what they spent their respective days doing. While Milo's talking, David's kind of staring at his back, not processing a word he's saying. Milo turns around and notices and is like "What? Don't tell me there's a bug on me and you didn't say shit? (/lh)" and David is trying to think of a good cover up. Milo tries to lighten the mood, says he's just messing with David before going to find whatever David's looking to borrow. He finds it, hands it over when for a split second, his eyes land on David's crotch. David leaves shortly there after but all night, Milo's like "...That was a boner... why the fuck did he have a boner?" But again, Milo's mind is like "Nah, I'm reading this wrong somehow."

Now, I'm painting a picture: it's the next day, Ash, Milo, David, few others from the pack plan on doing something together while on the trip. Asher gets there a bit late but is somehow on time compared to David, who shows up minutes after (that man was up all night pining). Ash notices Milo's not here yet and has a devious idea (as always). He asks David to go check on Milo so they can go. "Why me?" "You were the last one here, it's only fair. Now shoo." David rolls his eyes but goes, getting to Milo's room, knocking. He can hear Milo's definitely inside because he's cursing and complaining. He knocks again before the door swings open to reveal a mildly disgruntled Milo Greer (my vision is he's in pants and a white tank with his name chain. The in between outfits outfit).

He asks what David is doing there, David explains that Asher sent him to pick up Milo, Milo's like "What time is it— Jesus fucking Christ." The issue at hand is Milo can't find an article of clothing that he swears he put in his bag. He's been trying to get by with alternative options but none of them look the way he wants them to, which is making him quietly lose his shit. David stifles a laugh, to which Milo lasers in on. "And what do you think you're laughing at?" "You haven't changed since we were kids, that's all." Milo scoffs but admittedly, the sentiment puts a smile on his face. Almost immediately after that moment, he finally finds what he was looking for (tucked under something, irrelevant right now). He starts to get ready, pulling his shirt on, buttoning it up but let's say a button or two is fighting him for whatever reason. Without a second thought, David walks up, buttoning it for Milo. Milo's having an internal moment as a result, staring at David's hands then his face. David finishes and looks up to catch Milo staring. He clears his throat, saying something about waiting in the hall when Milo catches his wrist.

"Can I take you out on a date?" "What?" "I don't know what or where yet, but I just— I know this is probably stupid and I'm shooting myself in the foot here, but Asher's gonna kick my ass if I don't do something so— Can I take you out on a date, David?" David's taken aback. "Wait... so you were serious. That time you were sick. All that stuff you said about being a good mate for me." "THAT WASN'T A DREAM?" Cue Milo letting go of David's hand and nearly cursing himself out, running a hand through his hair because now he's mortified. "I can't believe I actually said all that shit to you—" "Did you mean it?" "Huh?" For the first time, David's not looking at Milo like a friend or pack Alpha. The look in his eyes screams pure, unfiltered attraction. "Yes or no, Milo." Milo's face is hot, "Course I meant it. I'd treat you great if you gave me the chance to show you." David steps closer, gripping Milo's face gently and tilting it up towards his. "Show me." Milo grins before pulling David down to him, the kiss they shared far better than the ones he remembered from spin the bottle games they'd played as teens. This kiss felt deeper and closer than that could ever compare. The moment they break away, gasping for air, Milo's busy unbuttoning his shirt. David asks what he's doing, to which Milo replies "I'm about to savor as much time with you as I can before I have to see Asher's smug face. Unless you'd like to explain how your hair became a mess between the time you left to find me and when you get back?" David laughs before pulling Milo to him again.

So yeah, that concludes this fic adjacent ramble (/lh)! I love rarepairs and rambling, so if people enjoy this, I may format some other rambles as they arise. I think I've got some Sam/David tucked away somewhere, so let me know. If you actually read all of this, wow, okay, thank you (/lh /pos)

#redacted david #redacted milo #redacted rambles #rarepair #mdni #PK Fic Adjacents #Making a tag now because who knows #redacted asmr #redacted audio #redacted rarepairs #Also yes I'm inconsistent in how I write Milo's style of speaking #I'm vibing so what /lh

[amphtaminedreams]

Film Tier Ranking 2019: A Bad Year for Bird Films

Hi to anyone reading,

I’ve finally put it together: my 2019 film tier ranking! I know tier rankings are a bit 6 months ago but seeing British crisps sorted into god, good, mid and shit tier all over Twitter, the format really resonated with me and I was like I MUST USE THIS AT SOME POINT! And I guess since there probably isn’t much of an audience for crisp tier rankings on Tumblr, it makes more sense for me to do it with films instead, especially as doing a 2019 year in film review was something I previously claimed I would do; here’s to 2020 and following through on my proposals.

I think 2019 in general was an okay year for film, with the end of the year definitely outselling the beginning. One thing to bear in mind is that a lot of films that I would’ve been able to see in 2019, I.E Little Women and Parasite, didn’t come out until 2020 in the UK so they won’t make it onto this year’s list. It’s not a snub by any means. I more fall in line with the Elsie Fisher Film Awards school of thought than the Oscars, which have yet again disregarded several incredible performances this year: Florence Pugh in Midsommar, Taron Egerton in Rocketman, Lupita Nyongo in Us, and of course, Greta Gerwig’s direction of Little Women. I’m sure there are many more but those are the first few that come to mind. Oh to be in 2017 when nominations made fractionally more sense.

This list also includes films that weren’t necessarily released this year, but that I just got around to watching; there were a couple of disappointments but also a lot of films I can’t believe it took me this long to finally watch and have definitely made their way into my favourites. My goal for this year is to get through even more of the films on my verrrry long Letterboxd watchlist, and more specifically, watch said films without going on my phone, which is a really bad habit of mine. I find it hard to sit still! Let me live! 

I also want to try and put aside my prejudices about visual quality and watch more pre-2000s movies this year; it’s really bad but I never managed to get more than half an hour into Psycho, of all films, solely because I couldn’t deal with the black and white. In 2020, I am going to stop being a whiney Gen Z/cusp millenial-er and give older films the chance they deserve.

So, without further ado, here is my film tier ranking of everything I watched in 2019! If you make it til the end and have any thoughts or disagreements, let me know. I love to hear other’s opinions and get new perspectives on things and am totally open to any criticism. Happy reading:-)

God Tier

Knives Out (Rian Johnson, 2019)

Knives Out. What a film.

I feel like I waited forever to see this at the cinema. They must have started showing trailers for it in, like, August, and I had to wait til mid-November to see it. How are you gonna just dangle a film with Toni Colette and Lakeith Stanfield in my face and then make me wait 3 months? Totally unethical.

But that being said, when it finally came around and I did see it, as much as I love Toni and Lakeith, there was one stand out and it wasn’t either of them: ANA DE ARMAS. I have to admit I’d never heard of her before but she acted the shit out of a role I feel I’d ordinarily find irritating and gimmicky. Daniel Craig, whose character seemed annoying as fuck in the trailer, was actually surprisingly funny.

Stylistically, it was a very cool film and I liked the subtle commentary on class that was running throughout. Also, I thought the ending was very clever. My issue with a lot of whodunnits is that they just pick someone who doesn’t make sense for shock factor *cough, Bobby Beale in Eastenders, cough* but the shocks here were more in the details. 

Hustlers (Lorene Scafaria, 2019)

There wasn’t one single moment of Hustlers I didn’t enjoy and it’s quite amazing that there wasn’t one single point in this film about strippers that I felt gratuitously sexualised women. THAT is why you fund female directors. It made the whole thing look like a calculated art form, which I think the unsexy amongst us can all agree that it is. Constance Wu was a fantastic lead, J-Lo was kind of robbed for a supporting actress nom, and Keke Palmer and Lili Reinhart were hilarious too. 

Midsommar (Ari Aster, 2019)

Midsommar was such an experience that it took me a good few days afterwards to decide whether I actually liked it. I saw it the day it came out because I loved Hereditary so much and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I kind of had an idea of the way it was going to go, we could all kind of guess evil cult was the route that was being taken from the trailer, but I just didn’t realise quite how weird it’d get. 

The gore was great, the visuals were stunning and the character arcs were surprising and for that reason, I think this is another game changer for horror from Ari Aster. I didn’t love it like I loved Hereditary but it continues to play on my mind and 7 months later I still can’t resist a good “Things you Missed in Hereditary” or “Hereditary Themes Explained” Youtube video essay. That’s how you know a film fucked with you and that’s the ultimate goal of going into a horror for me. Put that on my headstone after I inevitably get myself into some mortally dangerous conflict because I want to “get fucked with” a little bit.

Booksmart (Olivia Wilde, 2019)

So here’s the thing with Booksmart: I was getting progressively more and more drunk throughout it so I might be a little biased when I say I loved it. That being said, worth revere seems to be a commonly held opinion so I’ll stick to my guns. Plus, movies like this, which just focus on girls living their lives, are few and far between. Why have we had to wait THIS long for the female Superbad?

IDK. But Kaitlyn Dever, Beanie Feldstein and Billie Lourd proved it’s definitely a genre worth investing in so hopefully we see more lighthearted female-led coming of age comedies. One Ladybird per year isn’t enough for me.

The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos, 2018)

I included The Favourite in my 50 Films You’ve Got to Watch that I made earlier this year so I don’t have all that much to say about it that I haven’t said already. To summarise, it’s an instant classic: the cinematography, the cast, the lines, it’s all perfection. 

Suspiria (Luca Guadagnino, 2018)

I also included Suspiria in my 50 Films You’ve Got to Watch list so sorry if I’m repeating myself, but I adored everything about it. If I had to sum it up in one sentence I’d say divine feminine energy, but inverted. Plus ballet. That dancing scene in the mirrored room will probably never leave my mind (if you’ve watched it, trust me, you’ll know the one I'm talking about), and if there were awards given out for creepy montages in horror, this would win all of them. It still blows my mind that Tilda Swinton played 3 characters in this film; 2 of them are so distinctly different, if anyone put two and two together without prior knowledge of this fact then I’ll blow my own head up too. This is why I got so mad when there was all that discussion around her being the new female Doctor Who and there were people asking who she was. How can you not know who Tilda fucking Swinton is!? She’s a legend! 

Sorry, is the wannabe film snob in me showing?

Annihilation (Alex Garland, 2018)

Though I initially watched it because it’s branded as a horror, Annihilation ended up being a surprisingly introspective take on human nature and our self-destructive tendencies. Nothing really went the way I expected it to, even though I was constantly trying to guess that trajectory from beginning to end. 

Visually, Annihilation is magnificent. Like, it’s tense, and where exactly the plot is going is shrouded in mystery, but most importantly, it’s super fucking pretty. Sure, the only thing that was mildly horrifying was the *SPOILER* end result of that bear scene but I didn’t mind too much because there was always that edge-of-your-seat possibility something like that would happen again. 

Also I realised that Gina Roduriguez is really hot in this! I would just say in general but that video of her saying the n-word kind of took away shot at real world magnetism. WHY SUCH A SHITTY APOLOGY VIDEO!? WHY?!

Assassination Nation (Sam Levinson, 2018)

So I didn’t clock until I was looking up directors that Sam Levinson, Euphoria director, also directed this, and suddenly everything makes sense in the world. They both have that dreamlike, exaggerated feel that perfectly captures the emotional rollercoaster that is being a teenager, only in Assassination Nation obviously the threats are a bit more...tangible. As in its actually other people trying to kill our protagonists this time round, not just angst. 

Not gonna lie, it’s not a patch on Euphoria because that show is probably the best thing I watched all year, but I did thoroughly enjoy it, even if I did feel the social commentary, despite how in your face it was, got a bit lost in translation at times. I think it’s the kind of film that, once again, would’ve felt more genuine coming from a female director, however that’s not to take away from how witty, modern, and completely relevant it still is as we move into 2020.

Sorry To Bother You (Boots Riley, 2018)

Right. WHAT THE FUCK!?

Why don’t more people talk about this film? Like it has Tessa Thompson and the world’s best earrings! Lakeith Stanfield getting more than 10 cumulative minutes of screen time! Armie Hammer being that bitch we all knew he was irl (probably)! Scathing critiques of late stage capitalism! It’s insane, in the absolute best way.

SPOILERS AHEAD: I had a mini paragraph written about the last hour of the film and the descent into pure unadulterated chaos, and how it’s like, the internet’s best kept secret, because ordinarily you lot can’t keep your mouths shut about a film or TV’s shows most crucial reveals for more than 5 minutes and THEN...My FBI agent must be feeling real cheeky because THIS tweet pops up on my Twitter timeline. 

Fuck this shit, I’m out. Onto the next film. MI5 stop peeping my drafts. 

Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham, 2018)

I don’t want to repeat what I said about Eighth Grade in my 50 Films you Should Watch list but Elsie Fisher’s performance in this is why I wish the Oscars also had some kind of rising star award category à la the BAFTAs. Honestly, every 13/14 year old should watch this; it’s a reminder that although feeling like an outsider is by its nature quite isolating, it’s prolific enough that a 29 year old man, 10 years out of “high school”, gets it.

American Animals (Bart Layton, 2018)

My sister and I absolutely loved this film so you can image our disappointment when we turned round to our parents at the end and our enthusiasm wasn’t matched...as in, I’m pretty sure they were both asleep for a lot of it. WHICH I DON’T GET. Because to me, there wasn’t a dull moment. American Animals is what happens when a group of university age boys with the finesse of the American Vandal Turd Burglar try and apply that to an Evil Genius stye heist, part Netflix, talking head abundant documentary, part live-action film. Splicing a stylistic reenactment with interview footage of the men who really attempted to commit the crime elevated what I probably would have put in the Good Tier™ to the God Tier™; seeing the guy Evan Peters is playing alongside Evan Peters playing him, now only the remnants of the arrogance we see in the reenactment left behind, sharply reminds you of the fall from grace these boys deservedly went through. Plus Barry Keoghan from The Killing of a Sacred Deer is in it, proving that unsettlingly stiff is NOT in fact his natural state. 

Gerald’s Game (Mike Flanagan, 2017)

I wish there was a shorthand way to say I wrote about this in my 50 Films You Should Watch list so I’m gonna keep it short but here we are! This was great! If The Haunting of Hill House isn’t proof enough, Gerald’s Game (not to take away any credit from Stephen King) is a reminder that Mike Flanagan is the king of subtle, niggling sensation in your stomach that something is about to go very wrong horror. I hear he and Ari Aster have a timeshare situation going on with the crown.

The Ritual (David Bruckner, 2017)

Okay, so this is the film that made me realise we should all be very scared of forests. Nope, all the documentaries into the Aokigahara Forest weren’t enough, apparently. I subjected myself to this too, as if my unfit, cold-blooded, bug-fearing, scared of the dark ass doesn’t already have enough concerns about my survival odds in the great outdoors. 

Really though, setting aside, this film maintains the sense of dread throughout and keeps you guessing what’s going on until the very end. Much like The Descent, the group dynamic and characters are realistic enough that it adds to the believability of a scenario I, in principle, know would never happen to the extent that I might keep away from vast, wooded spaces for a while just in case.

Dumbo (Tim Burton, 2019)

If film Twitter came across this post and saw I’d placed Dumbo in a higher tier than If Beale Street Could Talk I can only imagine the outrage. And sure, the latter is probably a much higher quality film. But sometimes a movie, for reasons you can’t quite put your finger on, gets you right in the sweet spot, and Dumbo did that for me. Maybe it was that the CGI elephant reminded me of my cat (I know, leave me alone), maybe I was emotional that day, I don’t know, all I know is that I cried like 5 times and was smiling for the rest of it-to be fair, the exploitation of animals for our entertainment is something that is still very much going on and that was something that was playing on my mind a lot whilst I was watching it. IRL Dumbos should be free too. Dumbo rights.

The VVitch (Robert Eggers, 2016)

This film taught me that there’s nothing wrong with joining a coven of young witches and getting naked and levitating around a fire. And that’s an important life lesson. Plus it gave us the quote “wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”, which is not only so perfectly creepy and simultaneously empowering that I had to get it tattooed but also, created ASMR. I just made that last bit up obviously but Black Philip getting his own ASMR Youtube channel?

The Descent (Neil Marshall, 2006)

For me, much like The Ritual, The Descent is a perfect horror film: it’s got the ghouls but the situation the characters find themselves in is also terrifying by its own merit. The reason The Descent made it onto my 50 Films list and the Ritual didn’t is because, let’s be honest, it’s 2020 and you can get mobile signal in most places. You could probably at least make a 999 call if you got lost in a forest. If you DID get stuck in an underground cave and it collapsed in on itself, you’d be pretty fucked; the idea of it makes me shudder and I will never set foot in an underground tunnel at any point in my life for any amount of money EVER after seeing this. Also, the women in this are great and the creatures in this are genuinely quite terrifying, especially the first time you see them. 

Chicago (Rob Marshall, 2003)

Ah, Chicago, the last film on the God Tier™, proving that this list is in no particular order. Because WHAT A FIM. WHY DON’T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THIS MORE?! Like don’t get me wrong, I know it deservedly won Best Picture in 2003 but I’m talking about right now! I mean, fucking Titanic is still out here getting referenced left, right and centre and yet Chicago gets paid dust! Can you tell I’m mad and that I think Titanic is hugely overrated?! Is that maybe coming across?!

ALL the songs are bops, Catherine Zeta-Jones is hot (I saw someone on Letterboxd say that Catherine Zeta-Jones in this film was their bisexual awakening and honestly, if I hadn’t already known I was a raging bisexual, same, because I FELT things in that All That Jazz opening) and Cell Block Tango is the revenge fantasy anthem I never knew I needed. Smart, tongue in cheek, beautifully shot and makes men look like little bitches which is probably why my dad hated it but what did I expect.

Good Tier

Zombieland: Double Tap (Ruben Fleischer, 2019)

Onto the first film of the good tier, Zombieland: Double Tap definitely exceeded my expectations. I was super worried about the prospect of a sequel as I love the first one so much and assumed it would be crap. Obviously, it doesn’t match up to the original because the original WAS so original, but it was still a fun, easy, witty ride. And I was SO glad they didn’t *SPOILERS AHEAD* kill off Tallahassee at the end because I really thought that was coming and it seemed so predictable and unnecessary. Highlight was the introduction of the lookalikes at Graceland.

Judy (Rupert Goold, 2019)

So, this is the first of two consecutive rants I’m about to go on about Oscar nominations and people’s reactions online. Prepare yourself.

I’ll start with the underlying message: just because you think something else deserves the praise more, doesn’t mean the film/album/*insert whatever artistic medium you wish here* that IS getting the praise is shit. 

Like people are angry that Lupita Nyongo wasn’t nominated for best actress for her performance in Us which is COMPLETELY valid as she carried that film on her back. In the same vein, people are also angry that more women of colour haven’t been nominated for best actress. Also valid; I’ve yet to see The Farewell but I’ve heard great things about Akwafina’s performance and I love her so even though I haven’t seen it, I’m gonna take the general consensus that she should’ve been nominated too. The Oscars definitely has a problem with recognising the work of POC. BUT, because of this, people are angry that Renee Zellweger has been nominated for her performance in Judy, saying that it’s typical “Oscar bait”. I agree, it is typical Oscar bait. However, a lot of the people saying this will in the same breath say (or tweet rather) that they haven’t actually SEEN Judy. 

How can you possibly say that Renee Zellweger doesn’t deserve any of the praise she’s getting when you haven’t even seen the film? Don’t get me wrong, the film itself is good but not outstanding (hence its place in this tier), but you can see Renee genuinely put her heart and soul into this film; it was powerful, and it was sympathetic but it was also nuanced and subtle where they could’ve just capitalised on all the sensationalised stories of the actions of a woman clearly deeply suffering in her final years and had it be full of shouting and screaming. The Wizard of Oz has always kind of felt like home to me because of the childhood nostalgia factor and so I’ve always been interested in Judy and I think Renee captured her heart and her spirit in a way she would be deeply honoured by. Maybe the film itself doesn’t deserve the acclaim it’s getting but I think Zellweger definitely deserves the nom and I think most people who’ve actually seen it wouldn’t contest that. 

Joker (Todd Philipps, 2019)

Okay so second rant. I’m sorry. I have a lot of feelings. Most of them aimed at the annoying tendency of internet users, Film Twitter™ and Letterboxd users I’m looking at you in particular, to be wildly exaggerative. 

There just seems to be no nuance online. It’s not just yeah, I didn’t like the film personally and the message could be perceived in a certain way by certain individuals, it’s I HATE THIS FILM AND IT’S DANGEROUS AND THE DIRECTOR FUCKING SUCKS. I noticed this trend when La La Land came out (which if I had watched last year would certainly be in God tier for me). It’s like, if a film initially receives a lot of praise and buzz, there’s almost this wave of compensatory vehement criticism in response that’s usually disproportionate to how controversial the film actually is. People didn’t like that Joker was popular because they didn’t like Joker so suddenly it’s the worst film ever and the possibility of it getting any critical acclaim is wrong. I even saw people berating Todd Philipps for channelling Martin Scorsese as he’s the only person to ever be influenced and take direction from one of the most dominant figures in film of the 20th and 21st century. I mean, what’s wrong with that?! If it was any other director, it’d be called homage. But because everything has to be seen through this malicious lens, its copying. 

I think one of the few very valid criticisms about Joker was that it further perpetuates the idea that psychotic people are dangerous, and I can totally see where they’re coming from. At the same time, we have to accept that whilst the majority of people who are psychotic aren’t a danger to anyone apart from themselves, most “dangerous” people don’t just become dangerous because they thought, fuck it, why not? A lot of people in the prison system ARE suffering with some kind of mental illness. The character’s psychosis doesn’t make him dangerous, it’s his underlying resentment and sense of entitlement that grows throughout the film that makes him dangerous, and I think a lot of people seem to miss this point. They say that the way the film ends implies Philipps is justifying the actions of the films protagonist. However, we KNOW the Joker is an unreliable narrator, he’s one of pop culture’s most infamous villains and that being said, both in film and in the real world, few villains see themselves as the villain. Joker is about why HE thinks he’s justified in doing what he does, not why he IS justified in doing what he does because he’s not, and that’s pretty clear from the moment he shoots someone in the head on live TV. Honestly, I think there’s a bit of wilful misinterpretation going on because people don’t like that film

I liked Joker. It was gritty, it was interesting, and sufficiently dark. I didn’t think it was the best film of the year but I understand why it got the praise it did. Obviously, it’s okay that people disagree and DON’T like it. But can we please get a bit more well-acquainted with the middle ground?

It: Chapter Two (Andres Muschietti, 2019)

Okay, essays over. Back to regular scheduled programming of less impassioned reviews. Though I will say I deserved better than my Letterboxd comment of “so you can just fucking roast Pennwyise to death?” getting absolutely 0 traction. One day my grand total of 5 followers, one of which is my sister, will recognise my brilliance (lol).

It’s hard to say how much I really liked this as I think my perspective of how much I did enjoy it is warped by how much I disliked the first one. Child actors really aren’t my thing and the only cast members I warmed to in the first one were Finn Wolfhard and Jack Dylan Grazer whereas the cast here were a lot more likeable, imo. Bill Hader, Jessica Chastain and James Ransone were all great, with the only let down being James Mcavoy; I love him, don’t get me wrong, but I just think he was really miscast in this role. 

Another thing I enjoyed a lot more about this instalment was that due to the more episodic/anthology-like/Creepshow-esque structure with each character conquering different monsters from their past individually, the narrative felt like it had a lot more direction, and it didn’t drag as much despite it having a significantly longer runtime. I haven’t read the Stephen King novels and I don’t know much of the pacing issues are down to them so this is me coming at it from a screenwriting angle but it felt as if the climax of the first film just kept going on and on. Every time I thought it had finished there’d be another confrontation between the kids and Pennywise whereas Chapter 2 seemed to have a more definitive third act and I appreciated that.

Rocketman (Dexter Fletcher, 2019)

So, here’s one where I WILL agree with the general online consensus: if Rami Malek got nominated for playing Freddie Mercury last year and Renee got nominated for playing Judy Garland, why the fuck didn’t Taron Egerton get one for playing Elton John? Why didn’t Rocketman itself get a nomination when Judy did? Though I personally preferred Judy because I’m more interested in her story, technically and narratively Rocketman is the better film in my opinion.  This was so cleverly edited and sequenced and told with such a brutal honesty on Elton John’s part (it was co-produced by his husband David Furnish and he was heavily involved in everything from the set to the script), that I can only come to the conclusion that the obligatory biopic nomination only comes when the focus of said biopic is no longer with us as a kind of honorary thing. Whilst something like Bohemian Rhapsody was much more of an easy watch (which just goes to show how glossed over Freddie Mercury’s life was in the film), the way the story was told, by the time we got to I’m Still Standing that happy ending felt so earned.

Aladdin (Guy Ritchie, 2019)

You can hate all you want, Prince Ali and Never Had a Friend Like Me are fucking bops and somehow they were even better in this incarnation of the film. I was initially hesitant about Will Smith being cast but rather than trying to impersonate Robin Williams he went his own route and it really worked. He was the highlight of the film. It was undeniably visually stunning too. Madonna’s ex did good.

Us (Jordan Peele, 2019)

Ah, I feel so conflicted when it comes to Us. Like, there were some really strong points and it’s definitely a good standalone horror movie. It’s just you can’t help but compare it to Get Out, and with that unsatisfactory exposition dump ending, I left feeling so disappointed. It seemed to me that Jordan Peele got in a bit over his head here with trying to tie such a vague social metaphor and the actual in-universe plot together, and so ended up leaving both a bit half-baked. He tried to OutPeele himself and for me, it didn’t work. 

The doppelgängers were so scary as this ambiguous, vaguely threatening presence that if you are gonna give us a full blown, sit down explanation of why they exist it needs to be really bloody good. And this explanation didn’t make much sense. For example, *SPOILERS AHEAD* I imagine that the tethered just not being able to walk up the escalator into the “real world” was supposed to be some kind of metaphor for social mobility but it’s not fleshed out enough to work. In our world, there are REASONS why the idea of social mobility is flawed. In the film, it’s just like gee, if they chose to just walk up the escalator and go on this murderous rampage now, why couldn't they have decided to do it years ago back before they all lost their fucking minds? Why were they just copying the originals for all those years? HOW did they know what they were doing? See, the metaphor as I understand it is supposed to be that we depend on the oppression of others like us in order to maintain our social status, but not only is this kind of too general a statement to try and use a feature length film to make, I don’t really understand how this dynamic works within the narrative of the film. Technically, there's nothing to stop the tethered and the originals co-existing apart from the tethered deciding not to walk up the fucking escalator. We’re not talking a bourgeoisie-proletariat relationship here. The explanation of it all just being a “government project gone wrong” was too vague seeing as the plot working seemed prior to this to hinge onto something vaguely supernatural and the eventual plan of the doppelgängers seemingly had no purpose or application to the real world like the climax of Get Out did. It just left me feeling kind of like...why? Why did this all happen? When the ending and the twist was that predictable (the old Pretty Little Liars finale style twin switcheroo was blatantly obvious from the mother’s “it’s like she’s a different person” line near the beginning, let’s be real), I was expecting some final revelation that flipped my expectation on its head or at least felt helped things click into place. Instead, it seemed a bit hamfisted and like I was supposed to feel things were deeper and more significant than they actually were.

All that being said, I appreciate that if anyone other than the writer of Get Out had come out with this movie, I probably wouldn’t have these issues. Us was funny, it was fresh, and the concept of doppelgängers is something I’m so glad to see brought back into our modern pop culture database. The people are right, Lupita was incredible in this and it is a travesty that she didn’t get nominated. My sister, who was so creeped out by her vocal performance that she had her fingers in her ears every time Red spoke, still won’t let me attempt an impression of it. And that Fuck the Police sequence? Iconic. 

On the Basis of Sex (Mimi Leder, 2019)

I apologise in advance for the shittiest “review” I’ll ever write, but honestly I can’t remember all too much about this film other than it being good. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I’m sorry. You’re a cool lady.

If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins, 2019)

EURGH, THIS WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FIM. The score, the shots, the rawness. I imagine it’s devastatingly real. Like, *SPOILERS AHEAD* you think there’s going to be a happy ending but there’s not. It should be disappointing but it’s an honest choice. And side note: fuck those annoying middle aged white ladies in the seats behind me and my friend who lost their shit and started giggling every time the N-word was used, JFC. I hate living in a Tory stronghold. 

Cam (Daniel Goldhaber, 2018)

So, as I said, I’m a fan of the whole doppelgänger thing. It freaks me out. The point in this film where the protagonist is approaching her bedroom door whilst she watches HERSELF livestreaming from inside that same bedroom had my heart in my mouth wondering what she was going to encounter on the other side. And you see, the ending of this was a lot more ambiguous than the ending of Us, so I should’ve had less questions. Whilst I’ve seen other people saying it WAS unsatisfactory and that they felt like we were owed more of an explanation, I liked the simplicity of the answer we got and the wiggle room it leaves for our own interpretation. The way I see it, given that we were told by the fan the protagonist meets with in the motel room that *SPOILERS AHEAD* it was a case of some kind of software copying these women’s likenesses to steal their viewers and thus their profits, is that Cam is a kind of a commentary on the capitalist exploitation of women’s bodies and the demand for (and desensitisation towards) sexually violent content; we don't necessarily need to know who is behind the virtual cloning, which is terrifyingly believable given how realistic some of the deepfakes I’ve seen are, because it doesn’t matter. We're basically told money is the motive and we know the kind of lengths some people will go, and someone DID go to in Cam, to in order to make a shitload of money and that’s as true in real life as it is scary. On the other hand, if you want to believe there’s a more supernatural presence behind the events of the film, there’s enough left to the imagination that you can go down that route too. Some films are better left un-exposition dumped and this is the proof. My one criticism, is that, like many films, it would be even better if directed by a woman; I’ve seen people say that its portrayal of online sex work isn’t entirely accurate and though I can’t say with certainty that women working in this industry weren’t consulted in the first place, I imagine a female director would not only be more likely to listen to their concerns but could translate the confusion and fear that comes with being expected to makes oneself sexually desirable to get ahead in the world but then shamed and used for doing so even more viscerally. A few tweaks and it’d be God Tier.

Colette (Wash Westmoreland, 2019)

The costumes, sets, and Keira were so, so stunning. Also it was just an inspiring, beautiful story. The navigation of womanhood, so called “deviant” sexuality and self-expression against the backdrop of early 20th century Paris with a load of Edwardian era tailoring thrown in, it’s everything I could possibly want and more; 10/10 moodboard content. 

The Boy (William Brent Bell, 2016)

I can’t believe this film was made in 2016, and it almost makes me move it down to mid tier based on the fact that a lot of the allowances I made for cheese factor I made on the assumption it came out earlier in the decade. BUT, that being said, I was creeped out for a good portion of this film. Most horrors I watch and I’m probably a bit too chilled (a head comes off or some witchy ass ghost screams into the camera and my only thought is some kind of judgement of the SFX), and yet I felt like watching this behind my hands. I don’t know what it is about dolls and puppets, Chucky was my childhood fear even though I never actually watched the film, but something about the uncanny valley of it all makes me just spend the whole time they’re on screen silently praying they don’t start moving or talking. So in a way, given the resolution of the film *SPOILERS AHEAD*, the premise of The Boy was actually a lot scarier to me than the reveal of what was really going on. Someone hiding in my walls? NBD. That demons are real and that they live inside creepy old dolls? Terrifying. Why does everybody I debate this with disagree!? You can't call the police on a demon! At least with a human being you can stick them with the pointy ending of something! Regardless, I enjoyed the journey and trying to work out how things would end and if there IS anybody secretly living inside my house right now, even if you are a supposedly dead murderous family member (last time I checked I didn’t have any of those so I should be all good), kindly vacate. Thanks.

Oprhan (Jaume Collet-Serra, 2009)

So the fact that this film is based on a real life case makes this all the more terrifying. It was a bit campy and tacky at times but the shot of *SPOILERS AHEAD* Esther taking off her makeup in the mirror and revealing her true age will always be iconic. Plus I love Vera Farmiga, even though I did struggle to see her as anyone other than Norma Bates. 

First Reformed (Paul Schrader, 2018)

A hauntingly beautiful film with a lot of room for interpretation. There were so many gorgeous shots and so much subtext, this is proper 10/10 media studies essay material.

The Invitation (Karyn Kusama, 2015)

I would say the concept and implications of this film, which don’t fully hit you til the final shots, are a lot better than the film itself. It feels very realistic though and is definitely tense.

As Above, So Below (John Erick Dowdle, 2014)

I was so stoned when I watched this that a lot of the allegory and Dante’s inferno references went straight over my head, and it just seemed absolutely balls to the wall wild. I couldn’t buy that the characters would just KEEP GOING either when things began to get terrifying, like people in horror films really out here making the most nonsensical decisions and it drives me mad. But anyway, it was definitely entertaining and there’s a lot more to it in terms of plot and mythology than most similar quality horrors and I appreciate that 

Climax (Gaspar Noe, 2018)

Climax is an interesting one that I think I’ll have to watch again to judge how much I truly like it. As with Us, I know it’s a good film, but I think my expectations of what it was going to be left me slightly disappointed. See, when I read about the premise I assumed that the horror was going to come from seeing the perspective of the characters on said acid trip and that leaves so much room for any kind of terrifying visuals you want whether that be something based in realism or fucked up creatures of the imagination. Buuuuut, it wasn’t that at all; at no point does Climax take place from the first person perspective of any of the characters. Similar to Darren Aronofsky’s Mother, the horror comes from not being able to do anything but watch as everyone starts losing their minds and the situation gets increasingly more dire. It’s pure stress; the acting is so unnervingly good that you really do feel like you’re watching some unintentionally horrific incident take place. That’s not a bad thing-I like it when films make me feel something intense, whether that emotion be positive or negative. It was just a different viewing experience to the one I had precipitated. 

Mid Tier

Nativity (Debbie Isitt, 2009)

I find Mr.Poppy hilarious. Does that make me a child? Probably. I’m not really one for Christmas movies but this one’s alright.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (André Øvredal, 2019)

I get that it’s based off a book so it’s not exactly like the “monsters” were a secret in the first place, but for those of us who didn’t read the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books as a kid, my main beef with this film was that they basically revealed all of said monsters in the trailer. Like how It: Chapter 2 spoiled the scene with Beverly in the old lady’s apartment but with EVERY. SINGLE. CREATURE. The only one that wasn’t was the “jangly man” and the only takeaway I have from him is the “jangly in the streets, but is he jangly in the sheets?” Letterboxd comment I read afterwards. Like the creature designs are the selling point of this film and by showing us them all before we’ve even seen it, any anticipation that would’ve built up from their reveal was kind of gone. Plus, it definitely felt like the writers were trying to ride on the hype train of “It” when they wrote this-only they made it even more childish. I mean, I know it was classed as PG-13 in the US which is maybe part of the reason it was so tame but the Woman in Black was a 12 when it was released here and it could be the bias of my 13 year old brain but I remember that being terrifying to watch in the cinema.

Also, I found it weird how *SPOILERS AHEAD* a couple of the main characters died and there didn’t really seem to be any consequences? Idk, maybe that’s because I found them all a bit one dimensional but I’ve seen others make the same criticism so I don’t think so. 

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a BAD film. It just wasn’t super good.

Charlie’s Angels (Elizabeth Banks, 2019)

I’ve never seen the 2000s Charlie’s Angels so I really don’t have anything to compare to, but I don’t think this was THAT bad. I was fairly entertained throughout and I enjoyed Naomi Scott and Kristen Stewart’s characters. My main issue was the unnecessary inclusion of Noah Centineo, and that weird ass montage at the beginning of stock video shots of girls just...doing miscellaneous things. Why, Elizabeth Banks, why!?

Toy Story 4 (Josh Cooley, 2019)

In some ways, I see why Toy Story 4 was narratively necessary: co-dependency had been a running theme throughout and we needed to see Woody (I feel stupid saying this considering he’s a fucking toy but allow it) realise that he can exist independently of Andy, and that there’s more to life than pleasing somebody else. The way Toy Story 4 ended felt like a satisfying conclusion to his character arc, and as well as the animation being top tier, Forky was a hilarious addition to the cast. However, I don’t think it carried the emotional weight of the 3rd Toy Story, which I think people had accepted as the last instalment and had used to say goodbye to the franchise, and therefore the sceptic in me thinks that the obvious purpose of this addition was a cash grab. I don’t doubt that a lot of people worked incredibly hard on it-I’m just saying that the propelling force behind the film probably wasn’t “the people need to see Woody’s character growth” and that was quite apparent throughout.

Doctor Sleep (Mike Flanagan, 2019)

There were some really beautiful scenes in Doctor Sleep; the astral projection sequences in particular were magnificent and I loved Rebecca Ferguson as the villain. Stylistically, though I didn’t find out he was the director until I was writing this up, you can definitely tell it’s Mike Flanagan, and like I’ve said, he does horror very tastefully. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t all that interested in the premise and I wasn’t hugely invested in grown up Danny Torrance either. The execution was great and the return to the Overlook was brilliant, of course, but the story just wasn’t for me and nothing much sticks out as being a particularly intriguing plot point.

Mary Queen of Scots (Josie Rourke, 2019)

What to say about Mary Queen of Scots other than...yeah, it was alright. I mean, I really should’ve liked it more than I did, because these specific events were part of the Edexcel A-Level history curriculum (Can I get some Rebellion and Disorder Under the Tudors students representation up in here!?) and I usually love seeing history translated onto screen, plus it centred around Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan. It was just very...meh. I feel like there’s so much more complex a story here than was told. Both women were undoubtedly a lot more complicated than this film made them out to be and I think to reduce Mary Queen of Scots to a Mary Sue-ish heroine was a disappointing choice. Plus, if we’re gonna talk historical accuracy (which all the racists came out of their caves to discuss at the time), Mary and Elizabeth never actually met; I’m sure there was a more creative way to explore their dynamic than by forcing an interaction that never actually happened.

Apostle (Gareth Evans, 2018)

There were elements of this film I really liked; the mythology behind the cult, I.E what the townsfolk actually worshipped when you stripped away all the secrecy was pretty interesting. However, I felt it depended too much on atmosphere and not enough on plot, and I didn’t warm to any of the characters.

Searching (Aneesh Chaganty, 2018)

It’s difficult because technically, Searching is obviously an ingenious film. My issue is the way it ended, which was imo, super anti-climatic, and honestly pretty predictable in that it seemed like the writers just went out of their way *SPOILERS AHEAD* to make the culprit the person viewers would’ve ruled out by default for shock value, and then work out WHY that person was the culprit from there. I was expecting something a lot darker to be behind the protagonist’s daughter’s disappearance-irl, these situations usually are-and so maybe it’s just me being a bit of a sadist but I was disappointed by how things resolved themselves.

Deliver Us from Evil (Scott Derrickson, 2014)

So, this isn’t boring. It’s interesting to have a horror navigated through the lens of something as procedural as a police investigation. But ultimately, the acting isn’t great, there’s very few scary moments, and it’s a little cheesy. As horrors go, it’s pretty shallow-it is what it says on the tin.

Dumplin’ (Anne Fletcher, 2018)

I watched this right at the beginning of the year and I can’t remember all too much about it, but I remember not hating it? See, looking at the cast, Odeya Rush and Dove Cameron are both in it which would suggest I’d come away hating MYSELF instead but yeah...I got nothing. 

Lights Out (David F.Sandberg, 2016)

The concept is very scary, the execution not so much, and the actual storyline is a little cheesy. I found myself just being like OH MY GOD, IT’S BELLA’S DAD FROM TWILIGHT! And then *SPOILERS AHEAD* getting mad that they did Charlie Swan dirty like that by killing him off in the first 10/15 minutes.

The Goldfinch (John Crowley, 2019)

So I LOVED the book of The Goldfinch. I read it after the Secret History and even though most people seem to prefer the latter, the former hit me right in the sweet spot. The length was almost one of my favourite things about it; I felt by the end that I came to know the character so well he felt like someone I knew in real life. When I heard Ansel Elgort was cast as Theo, I was really happy; I’m not necessarily a huge fan of him as an actor, I've only ever seen him in shitty teen-y dramas which I forced myself to like at the time E.G. The Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, but he looks kind of exactly how I pictured Theo looking. Almost like an Evanna Lynch as Luna Lovegood situation. And then honestly, the actual film came around, and I found myself much preferring the young Theo sections. I get that Theo is quite a muted character and I hate to properly slate anyone’s performance, but Ansel as him felt a bit flat. The casting in general was pretty whack; I love Nicole Kidman but she didn’t feel right as Mrs.Barbour and it seemed that they added a lot to her character to the detriment of Hobie’s character who was a much bigger part of Theo’s life in the book. Also, can we talk about Finn Wolfhard as Boris? I’m sorry, but that accent was godawful. Really bad. Boris’ accent was always supposed to be kind of ambiguous but this was just butchered Russian. Another gripe that my friend and I, who also read the book, had with the Vegas section of the film (which was otherwise probably the best part) was that they never properly explored the complexity of Boris and Theo’s relationship. Obviously I’m not saying that I want 2 minors to shoot a sex scene but it could have been referenced when they reunite as adults because the kiss on the head when they part in Vegas seemed misleadingly platonic. It was heavily implied in the book that there was some kind of love that went beyond friendship between the two and I didn’t get that in the film at all. 

Ultimately, when you try and adapt a book as long as the Goldfinch, you’re always going to have some pacing issues and people complaining that things were left out or that X or Y character didn’t have enough screen time. But in ways, I think the fault here was trying to stay TOO faithful in the limited time available. They definitely could have focussed less on certain relationships and more on others, and when it comes down to it, I think we lost a lot of the grittiness of the original book for the sake of pretty visuals. 

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino, 2019)

Don’t get me wrong, this would 100% be in shit tier if it wasn’t for the last hour or so of the film and all the Manson lore which is so disappointing because I love Tarantino films and I love that era. As for the first couple of hours, I loved the vibe and I love Margot Robbie, and I think it was very respectful towards the Tate family (if anything radiated through the screen more than anything else it was Sharon Tate’s sweetness), but I just wasn’t that invested in Leo or Brad’s characters-it all just felt a bit pointless. I really like Brad Pitt and even that couldn’t really save it for me. Maybe if you took away the remaining 2 hours and 20 minutes of Leo DiCaprio making vague allusions to his own career to a girl only slightly younger than the combined age of all girlfriends past I’d enjoy it more but then I don’t think there’d be much footage left. I guess we should just be grateful that Tarantino managed to refrain from unnecessarily sprinkling the N-word into every other line of his script this time, right?

Also.

SO. MANY. FEET.

But then again, this did result in Brad publicly mocking Tarantino’s foot fetish during his speech at the SAG awards so...I’ll allow it. Sometimes kink shaming is okay. Especially when it’s this guy:

Isn’t it Romantic (Todd Strauss-Schulson, 2019)

I guess as romantic comedies go it wasn’t AWFUL because it was self-aware but still just not my cup of tea and it didn’t really make me laugh. Plus, I feel like it did just follow the plot of a conventional rom-com in the end so...what was it all for, you know?

Green Room (Jeremy Saulnier, 2016)

I think my disappointment with this film was a case of too high expectations. It wasn’t as gory as I hoped, in fact, there was very little on screen gore at all. I was just expecting something very messed up and I didn’t get that. But then again we did get Maeby from Arrested Development singing a fuck Nazis song so I guess that was a nice surprise?

Shit Tier

Birdbox (Susanne Bier, 2018)

First the disappointment of the Goldfinch, and now Birdbox (although they were chronologically the other way round but for the sake of this review, let’s just ignore that). It really is a bad year for bird films. 

It’s weird because when this first came out I remember everyone hyping it up and making memes about it and stuff and then I actually watched it and dear god, it was boring. Honestly, who paid you lot to pretend you cared enough about it enough to make content? And where can I get in on this action?

I mean it didn’t start off terribly but then they killed off SARAH FUCKING PAULSON and somehow managed to make SANDRA FUCKING BULLOCK unlikeable. How does one do that? The mind baffles.

Pet Sematary (Kevin Kolsch & Dennis Widmyer, 2019)

The kid acting was bad, the leads were meh and there wasn’t one creepy moment. This should be SO MUCH MORE hard hitting than it actually was given the subject matter and it just fell completely flat. I will say, though, *SPOILERS AHEAD* that the ending was appropriately doom and gloom and even though I’ve seen lots of others say they hate it it was probably the only thing I actually liked.

The Lion King (Jon Favreau, 2019)

Seth Rogen and Billie Eichner were the only good things about this which is sad because I fucking love Donald Glover and I was so excited when he was cast as Simba. Like, it was pretty but empty and unnecessary and I’m not one of these people who think CGI remakes always have to be this way-I loved Dumbo and I liked the live-action Jungle Book too! I just think the people who made this cared too much about good CGI and realism and less about heart. There was no personality whatsoever and it’s such a waste when you think about the fact that they had Donald and Beyonce on board. 

Red Sparrow (Francis Lawrence, 2018)

Eurgh, I hated this. I think Jennifer Lawrence is stunning and I usually love her films but every shot of her in this felt so male-gaze oriented, even the ones which were sexually violent, which I found to be completely unnecessary in the first place. At times it felt almost torture-porn-y which was not what I expected at all seeing as the marketing made it seem like some kind of female empowerment movie.

It Comes at Night (Trey Edward Shults, 2017)

I literally can’t remember fucking anything from this film. Clearly there is a very, very fine line between atmospheric and boring.

Warm Bodies (Jonathan Levine, 2013)

Maybe it’s because I watched this about 6 years too late and the whole human-girl-falls-in-love-with-supernatural-creature hype train has long since left the station but I couldn’t even finish it. Cutesy necrophilia ain’t for me, sorry Nicholas Hoult. Still love ya. You’ll always be Tony Stonem to me xoxo

Million Dollar Baby (Clint Eastwood, 2005)

I’m pretty sure this movie won a lot of awards so I’m sure this is a very unpopular opinion but the way this film ended was so...depressing. SO depressing. Did it have to be THAT depressing? The Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode outsold.

This is the range Oscar winning actress Hilary Swank wishes she had.

Would You Rather (David Guy Levy, 2013)

Started off well but became cheesy and predictable as it went on. The acting wasn’t great either plus there was another unnecessary attempted rape scene here too. 

Christmas with the Kranks (Joe Roth, 2004)

So I watched this movie in the run up to Christmas because my best friend and her mum were referencing it like it was this cult classic (which I guess for some reason it is?) and I’m sorry to her and her mum but what the hell is this shit?! It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s just bad.

The plot, the characters, EVERYTHING, it’s ridiculous on every level. I wasn’t into it enough to suspend my disbelief that anyone’s neighbours would actually care THAT much that they weren’t celebrating Christmas. Go on your damn cruise, take me with you whilst you're at it, ease my seasonal depression! I wouldn’t mind so much if it was funny or if the protagonists were likeable but it wasn’t and they’re not. Nobody’s actions made any sense. It didn’t put me in the Christmas spirit at all it just made me angry that Jamie Lee Curtis’ agent made her do this shit. She’s a scream queen goddess and she deserves better.

ANYWAY.

I’m now realising that I should have started on shit tier and worked my way up to god tier because now this post has ended on the rather sour note of me getting worked up over Christmas with the Kranks, lol. As always, these are just my opinions and I love to hear other people’s; when it comes to something like this, it’s all a matter of preference and there really isn’t a right or wrong answer, so I’m open to discussion!

With the Oscars less than a week away now I rushed a little to get this out on time, so apologies in advance if anything doesn’t make any sense or there’s any typos, I will look back over it at some point over the next couple of days to check. 

But if you read to the end thank you! And stay tuned for my overview of Paris Haute Couture Week S/S 2020 if that’s something you’re interested in as that will most likely be next post!

Lauren x

#cinematography #film #oscars #tier list #tier ranking #film tier #2019 films #horror #knives out #ana de armas #rian johnson #midsommar #ari aster #florence pugh #booksmart #kaitlyn dever #film review #film recommendation #musicals #disney #sorry to bother you #tessa thompson #lakeith stanfield #jennifer lawrence #hustlers #margot robbie #quentin tarantino #tarantino #once upon in hollywood #stephen king

[jmgiovine]

I am Jack’s Review

SPOILER-review FOR THE FILM FIGHT CLUB (1999)

                                                                                      by: J.M. Giovine

There is beauty underneath the chaotic mayhem fest that David Fincher’s infamous 1999 adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk’s equally infamous book from 1996. At this point in his career, Fincher managed to achieve a well-deserved recognition towards his name, thanks to his immortally disturbing noir-90s jewel Se7en (1995) and The Game (1997) starring Michael Douglass in one of his highly acknowledged main roles. But what about a film that, on first screenings, was bashed out of the general positive opinions from audiences and critics that were baffled as well as disturbed by the amount of self-awareness and lighthearted take on extreme and visceral violence? Why did it manage to become one of this era pieces of reference and fascination? I admit, I never saw this until summer 2011 after a massive Blockbuster rent, taking advantage of a special Thursday’s sale I already became familiar with. By that time, I started an already educational process of watching classic films, as well as considerably well-reviewed flicks from the last 30 years, and of course, Fight Club resided on those lists. 

Of course, I never imagined my shock, excitement and, of course, surprise, at that specific watch. What did I have in my humble-still-neophyte hands? Several key-moments inside the 2 hours 19 minutes feature served as grappling hooks, but it was the final shot on the film... the finale presenting the Narrator and Marla, together, in a panoramic-perfectly symmetric frame bathed in dark-blue color pallets, with the crescendo guitar and lyrics of Pixies that made me realize... I just saw, officially, my new and definitive favorite movie, of all times. 

How I dared to pick a partially recent film (back in the day) as my epitome of filmmaking? The cornerstone of my affection for storytelling, the birth of the true nest of visuals, the reaching-point of directing and, well points given, the professorship of how to act a damn movie, for all that matters. Edward Norton is a downright perfect personification of the defeated conformist, who is subdued to the pleasures of an empty-consumer’s life in order to fulfill and existential vacuum, from a life that desperately wishes for more... a true revelation. Is funny how the film’s title customizes the story true intentions; a character micro-study throughout the elements in his life that’ll lead him onto an existential-madness, and the odyssey in his path to self-freedom.  

Because there’s much more in Fight Club than just, well, fights. There’s also, more than a message hidden in every single dialogue provided by Narrator, evolving until eventually turning into a constant emotional reminder of self-emotional dilemmas in every ‘Jack’s Something’, and considering the plenty of theories and interpretations about this particular script-element (Jack as another pseudonym of God is perhaps the most accurate and personal favorite), every character in the film serves a purpose, rather than being there. Example of this is, perhaps, the most important character in the whole film, and no, I’m not talking about Pitt’s sanctified Tyler Durden, no, I’m talking about Helena Bonham Carter’s Marla Singer. 

But why is she so important? Well, there’s the notorious plot-aspect that she basically quick-started Narrator into becoming (fully) Tyler. Noticed the several flashes in between frames of Tyler manifesting constantly in between important scenarios that are defining the Narrator’s demise and condition around his insomnia, and we’re understanding (after reaching the film’s memorable twist) that Tyler wasn’t fully presented as another character until Marla started “ruining everything”, as Narrator well stated the first time we’re introduced to her. It’s funny because people often believe ‘insomnia’ was what triggered Narrator’s alter ego, leading up to the real plot of the film, but this is part of what the magic behind Fight Club resides. Jim Uhls mastered the structure in which the film would be build, offering the essential elements and aspects from the novel, but adapted in benefit of movie format, also, to please Fincher’s aesthetics and development between characters. While Palahniuk’s take on his story is essentially similar to what Fincher accomplished in the film, the differences are notorious, one could even argue “more than needed”, in order to reach the final product we all enjoy and love, but here’s  the thing; adaptations shouldn’t be about maintain a copy-paste-like attachment to the original source material... which is considerably impossible for movie purposes. No. It’s all about transition. What works in the novel. What works in the potential script. What to leave just the way it is narrated, what to improve, or modify, or (apparent writers taboo) to ‘change’. 

But what about the film’s true ‘meaning’? Is not so complicated once digested, but it never hurts to explore it deeply. If you ever grabbed a single Nietzsche, Schopenhauer or Camus book, you’ll understand (in a way) what you’re getting into. Like mentioned above, an existential-madness, and the odyssey in his path to self-freedom. All in all, this could be the accurate take on the film’s story. Fincher is a master at exposing a story gradually until, eventually, the truth comes up, grabbing our backs not with fingernails, but claws. I’m still mesmerized, 8 years after seen this for the first time, how quotable the film is, considering Palahniuk’s book does have a similar quality, but never onto this degree; Uhls managed not just to comprehend the novel’s traits, but he basically embraced them and made them his own, worthy of Fincher’s direction. Every line in his script is memorable, every dialogue and conversation can be quotable and acknowledged, perhaps with not definite importance to advance the story, but these scenes feels as important as if they were heavily essential plot-points in order to reach the bigger heights. 

And, then, we have the lungs of the film; the true engine that makes this work above what it already was. Tyler Durden, performed by a ridiculously shaped Brad Pitt from the 90s. Tyler is the antithesis of what the Narrator represents. If we have to give Jack an identity, it’ll be Tyler, although the best representation of the reference is God, we’re talking about the complete opposite of God. As Tyler states: “ Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it! “, declaring war to the conception mankind has about God. Interpreting the shit out of it, maybe Tyler is the definitive XXth Century representation of Lucifer, but more in the way Milton conceived him; as a tragic-yet-freedom figure. Tyler frees Narrator by turning him into what He is, in all expressions of the word. Pitt really has a blast of a time interpreting the film’s anti-hero, and it is HIS performance what engages us into loving the film. We want to be Tyler, we need to become HIM, we need to follow his ideals, as radical as they grow, and we’re okay with it, because deep down inside, we know he’s right, we know he’s the TRUTH. As he declares once he’s revealed as the Narrator’s alter ego: “ All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not. “ We know that’s the assumption we’ll adopt if we were on the same situation, and perhaps unintentionally or purposely, but the film taught us this eventually will happen if we continue this meaningless path of self-improvement. In my book, that kind of character is a complete achievement.

If we come to compare the movie with the book, the difference its quite clear, although, like I aforementioned, a movie adaptation of anything should never be a direct attempt of a copy, that’s useless, pointless and downright impossible; while we can manage to preserve elements from the source material, there has to be changed made in order to accommodate formats and the media used, in this case, the novel-structure, narrative and progression will never mix with the whole production of a full-length feature film, even with movies 3 hours long such as, let’s say, The Lord of the Rings Extended Editions, there were still changes made and story elements that were left out. In the case of Fincher, he’s the perfect example of someone meant to preserve only the useful and adequate book-elements in each one of his films, since most of them have been film adaptations of books. Notice his structure and neat direction in films such as The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008) a short-novel originally written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, or The Social Network (2010), a book simply conceived as the chronicle of the birth of the most famous and relevant social media in the world. Notice the tendency of Fincher to own those properties, such as he did with the novel Gone Girl adapted in 2014 from author Gillian Flynn. Fincher has the ability to understand his source material, embrace the spirit within, and provide his own unique vision and talented direction to offer a new identity. Again, Fight Club is no exception, hell, it probably was the first time it happened inside Fincher’s filmography. 

However, and in spite of the film’s iconic title as modern-classic (this due to the DVD’s mouth to mouth spread), we should never remove the merits from the actual novel. Palahniuk’s prose and style are unique, and so are his stories, specially his magnum opus-debut from 96′, and while the film manages to truly be its own thing, the novel pretty much deserves the fame it has gathered throughout the years, specially since the third part in comic-book mini-series format is about to arrive. For the fans of the film, I highly recommend the novel and its sequel. For the really hardcore Tyler-space monkeys-fans, such as myself, I strongly recommend checking out the rest of Palahniuk’s work. Back in the day that was my personal Tyler-homework, and thanks to my devotion for this film I managed to know one of my favorite writers, along the complete filmography of Fincher. Yeah, it pretty much deviates from Tyler’s philosophy against possessions and material attachments (since I own the books and films), but hey! If it weren’t for the media, I wouldn’t have met this story.

I think, in the end, I could finish praising the film even more. There’s not much of a point in doing so, since almost everyone who had claim to be a film-goer have seen it. The best part of this movie is the pre-judgement; when you pop the disc into the console and start the ride without actually being aware of the twist and the general story line following the second and third act. Whether it is for its dark-comedic direction, the near-perfect script-adaptation value, the hilariously magnetic and hypnotizing performances by every single member of the cast, or its composition, it’s perfect editing, the mesmerizing color pallet, stylish soundtrack, beautiful camerawork... Fight Club is a mix, a mix between chaos, battery acid, adrenaline, blood and dirt inside a smart and fun container. It’s almost impossible not to fell for it, just as our Narrator and pretty much the entire fucking world fell for our Tyler’s ideals of destruction and self-liberation. In the end, we are all Tyler’s Space Monkeys, and we are Jack’s trapped audience members...

#movies #film #review #davidfincher #bradpitt #edwardnorton #fightclub #chuck palahniuk

[flipme300timesandsee]

Deserts are too large but I love them.

!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!: FRANK DESCRIPTIONS OF HISTORIC ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, FGM, C-PTSD, BIPOLAR, DEPRESSION - Please be careful about this post if you are not well or if you might be triggered by discussions of the impact of past abuse or any of the elements listed above. I don't want to censor myself but I also don't want to harm anyone. Take care of yourself.

-

Deserts are too large but I love them.

Part 1.

-

I think back sometimes to my younger days. I came from somewhere, right? I must have.

But which where?

I was born out of place and wearing the wrong colour in the frozen North, then dragged back to a semi-arid Motherland where I still didn't fit despite being brown, then to the land of the colonisers and back and forth between these 3 vastly different places over 30 years. Snowy coniferous forests to dry deserts and monsoon rains to demure farmland and mossy national parks. It would be safe to say that I have never lived anywhere for longer than 9 consecutive years, more often a lot less.

I fit in nowhere, I got on with no one, and I've left so many people behind that I'm no longer the same person. I've left who they thought I was behind too. I wouldn't be surprised if some folks thought of me as the dead. I may as well be.

Even leaving my family of origin was not enough to feel safe. I still look over my shoulder expecting to be hunted.

Why shouldn't I jump at every shadow, question every person who speaks to me and acts friendly? I don't know you. I don't know what's crawling in the back of your head and hiding in your heart. My trust has fossilised and is now hard-won. It's too valuable to give away, too expensive to be honestly shared. I expect you to let me down.

I don't belong to anywhere and I don't belong to any one. My accent can sometimes be the only indicator that I am an emotional nomad.

-

I feel shame coming from so many directions, mostly from myself but also from others around me.

My first shame was waking in the night hearing my Parents fight. I must have been 3, no older. I remember feeling like the world was ending because I was listening to things I shouldn't be hearing, sounds that even I understood I should never have known about. I remember that was the first time I started to grasp that something was amiss around me. Something was not right... I was only aware of a thick sensation of dread arising in me out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, overwhelming in intensity. From a look or a sudden movement or the dropping and shattering of glass. I would closely watch adults around me because I never knew when the scary things would be happening. That is how I learned hyper-vigilance.

Shortly after that, I have another memory which I have gone over many times, unsure if it was deliberate or accidental (or whether intention even matters). My father placing an iron on the back of my right hand around the age of 3 or 4, as he was ironing his shirt. I still have the scar, like a horizontal crescent or a smile without eyes. I remember that it hurt a lot but that I was not allowed to cry. I remember that he apologized and I got to have my way for a little while as a reward for not crying too much; there was also a sense that crying too much would invite adult anger. That is how I learned to suppress my tears.

There are moments of love and caring interspersed with moments of utter dread and confusion. My mother took me abroad one day - there's a picture of little me chasing pigeons in a certain square in London but I no longer have the image, only the memory - and when we came home again for whatever reason, my father was very nice and made us scrambled eggs with ketchup which I usually wasn’t allowed. This happened once. I remember hoping that things were okay now, that he did love us and there would be no more hurts and weeping in the night. Of course that was not the case. That is how I learned to divide myself and think 2 things at once (hope for peace but prepare for danger).

More or other feelings of shame are attached to the years I spent in kindergarten.

I was very good at holding my pee in because I often had to at night, but for whatever reason one day at kindergarten I was stuck and had to pee in my pants at the time. I remember feeling so ashamed because I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want people to be mad at me. I hid my pants and tried to lie about what had happened, but a kindergarten-adult figured it out and I remember feeling shocked that they were nice to me and didn't hurt me. That is when I understood that kindergarten was safe but home was not. I wonder now as an adult if they knew or suspected something wasn't right. I wish they'd said something. 

I remember my Mother coaching me on what to say to the kindergarten-adults if I had bruises on my arms or legs and they asked about it. I didn’t quite understand why or what the big deal was at the time, but I remember being confused that my Parents didn’t like it when I lied to get out of trouble. The fact that they fully expected me to lie to get Them out of some form of ‘trouble’ (because they behaved as though they had done something naughty) proved that lying was a reasonable tactic to use any time I wanted to avoid some consequence. That is when I learned to lie effectively and on the fly, and even to believe in my own lies so that they became what had actually happened. I used this power whenever I needed it, and my Parents were often the target of those lies. Frankenstein kid.

Whilst still in kindergarten, around age 4-5, I was forced to take part in a  ceremony which was religious in origin but not at all serious or intense - a lighthearted tradition. The nice kindergarten adults would not let me sit it out and I didn't know how to explain that me doing this would lead to beatings at home because I was being disobedient to my Parents’ God, Allah. The nice kindergarten adults thought I was just being shy. I was not. Predictably, when the little ceremony was aired on local TV I got beaten at home because I took part in something I didn't have the agency to decline doing, being only 4 or 5 years old. This is when I learned that logic doesn't work on the Parents. This was when I started getting angry.

Curiously, I was given my only ever birthday party at 5 years old. Never before and never since.

Fast forward several years until I'm between 7 and 10 years old. Home is still wrong and still unsafe. I was sent home from school one day with a Letter to my Parents. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I gave it to my Mother first because she was less antagonistic and her beatings were not so severe. I saw in her face that it was Serious Business and it turns out it was. We hid it from my Father, that it was an Appointment to see the school Psychologist. My Mother hissed at me that I was not to disclose anything and not to tell anybody what was Going on At Home or 'They Would Take Me Away'. Ever the pragmatic kid, I asked where I would be taken away to and how this process worked. My Mother was not happy and went to great lengths to describe how awful it would be if 'They' took me and broke up my family and how everyone would be hurt and deeply sad and that this would most definitely be My Fault. I didn't want to hurt her and siblings did I? I didn't want to betray them to the foreigners in whose country we lived and who threatened to destroy our culture and values at every turn, Did I? When I went to the appointment a few days later I remember feeling absolutely terrified that I would single-handedly cause the doom of my family and so I said nothing, admitted to nothing and just sat there suffering. When I went home to give my report, my Mother looked relaxed and pleased with herself and I realised that I had been played. That is when I learned that my Parents would use me if it suited their needs and I began to stop trusting them. I became more angry and mulled over the event for a long time, and to this day I regret not saying anything to the psychologist lady.

I remember my Mother whining to me around this age about my Father and how horrid he was towards her. I remember looking at her, deeply disgusted and disturbed. I simply said to her "Why don't you leave." (I knew what divorce was as I was a voracious reader). I don't remember what she said to me but whatever it was I must not have been too impressed.

This was also the age around which my migraines and stomach aches began. I think I must have been stressed the fuck out. I spent days lying in bed, unable to move or talk much. I’m sure I faked some days so that I would be left alone in blissful solitude, free to read a few books and not have to talk to anybody or justify why I wasn’t being a Good Student and in school. Those were the only days I knew peace.

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Suddenly we moved to the desert. Not all of us, just Mother, Siblings and me. Father would remain behind, nobly sacrificing his time with his family to do...??? Nobody told me, but I wasn’t impressed. I remember telling people we were leaving and nobody understood why. I couldn't understand it myself. I said goodbye to childhood friends, not fully understanding that I would never see them again in my life, and got dragged away to someplace without explanation or justification. This is when the last of my trust in my parents began to erode.

We moved into the desert.

By this time I was a maudlin child, prone to fits of anger, stealing and acting out. Coming to Africa (I won't disclose where) was not fun. We landed on a sunny afternoon in the worst heat I have ever experienced and shortly after we arrived, I became deathly ill from something in the water. I spent long days with an IV in my arm, staring out into a featureless desert with distant ruins so degraded they looked more like natural formations than old building. The desert was beige and dry and far too large. I stared at it for days, weeks, perhaps months. I was feverish and delirious with nightmares and simmering, barely contained rage. I couldn’t speak the language very well. It was an isolation.

Eventually I recovered but something had burned away with the long fever I had experienced. I became angrier and more pitiless than ever before. I think I was depressed, looking back now, but at the time I felt empty. I was someplace strange, with no friends and with no Home, where every day felt the same and looked the same and where everyone who came to observe the foreign girl judged me to be a false, defective, wilful, not-quite-right girl. I looked like them, I had the same skin colour (too dark for some) and face but some ill-defined thing was wrong with me. I stared too much, I talked back too much, I was never agreeable and I always stood my ground. I also still didn’t speak the language very well. I remember some relation slapping me in the face the first time she met me because I "should be cooking and cleaning". Bitch, nobody taught me how to! I never forgave her and hated that bitch forever after, glaring at her anytime she came near. My Mother seemed shocked at my behaviour but overall ignored me as she finally felt she was home and had her people around her, including a housekeeper. It was the fucking time of her life. For me however, this time is when I learned that my needs were unimportant to everyone around me so long as I stayed silent and out of the way, so long as I did what I was told and kept to myself. And so I did, getting to know myself and learning how to care for myself so that I could remain sane and functional. I learned to finish tasks or just plain ignore them when I didn’t feel like I wanted to comply, but above all, to keep to myself.

I spent days sitting on the roof of our house or roaming the city. There was no electricity, no video games and no TV, no school... those days were the emptiest days I had experienced yet. I just existed, day-to-day, my boredom punctuated by flurries of violence and intense fear. People chased a man into our house one night and took him away by force; they were armed and we never heard anything about it. Unfocused gangs of feral boys roamed the neighbourhood, to be avoided like the plague because they were ‘not nice to girls’, a euphemism for sadistic violence and possible rape. One day I stood at the corner of our street and saw an actual tank moving in the distance, followed by large groups of people and armed soldiers and eventually the abrupt, clacking noise of bullets being fired. I was told this was a ‘protest’ and that it had gone ‘unusually well’. Another time a baboon broke into the house, terrorised the maid and escaped with a good portion of our dinner. Nothing made sense; there was constant chaos outside and inside the house; and of course the usual chaos of my Parents and their toxic, unpredictable behaviour. Father would ring the house at all hours of the day, constantly, mad with paranoia and constantly on edge, easily angered. We had to have 3-4 phone lines installed because he would call, check, wait a while and call again. He constantly checked on everything, cross-interrogating me, the siblings and then Mother. Eventually, She would retire to a room and close the door behind Her. I felt pity for Her then, but the pity would dwindle as I left and enjoyed the rest of my day. You can imagine this behaviour became worse when mobile phones became available about a decade later. Looking back, this seems to be evidence of some deep paranoia, mistrust and perhaps projection/subconscious realisation that we were all much more happy without him around.

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I became less and less trustful, more and more tight-lipped, and began spending more time teaching myself things like cooking, cleaning, writing and how to care of my growing body. I insisted on being enrolled into school and resumed my education, I was growing away and trying to separate my emotions from what was around me to preserve the integrity of my own mental health. In essence, I lived alone within the family home, preferring to spend time by myself and to learn the life skills I needed so that one day, somehow, I could get away. Getting away became more than a dream, more than a nice fantasy; it became a singular obsession, the one goal towards which I directed all my energies. I made the mistake of talking about it openly, of laughing about it and enjoying the look on people’s faces when I said that this is what I was planning to do with my life. That shortly I would be heading out of there; that I would take the first chance I could get to get the fuck out of there and never contact any of them again.

Perhaps that’s where my Mother got the idea to do what she did then. Perhaps She didn’t like my flirtations with the neighbour boy, didn’t like me becoming independent, confident and growing away from the rest of them. Perhaps She got pressured into it. I don’t know. Whatever her reasoning, She planned to do something to me that I still to this day never expected from Her. Where I was always expecting to receive the most harm from my Father, I realised in hindsight that I should have been wary of Her. My Father got a polished and false version of me - my Mother saw and heard my truth and demonstrated that she found me to be intolerable. So she betrayed me.

She planned and organised for me to undergo FGM. I think I was 12 at the time. I will not go into the details of it in this post, suffice it to say that it was extremely traumatising and I was far too old for this to happen. My power was taken away, I was stripped of agency and my confidence was completely shattered. It was all done by a group of women including her; surprisingly, not only were no men involved in the process or plan, my Father had no idea (he claims but I kinda believe him) that this was going to happen. The sheer depth of her betrayal sent my anger into overdrive. An unimaginable 2 or 3 weeks happened. Like the last time I was seriously ill, I spent time confined in bed, unable to move, delirious and experiencing nightmare after endless nightmare. This is when I stopped trusting in anybody completely. This is when my plan to escape became a grim mission in life. I never again spoke to my Mother without contempt in my voice. I did everything in my power to continue my solitude and my need to be independent manifested itself in every way possible, down to not asking for the slightest amount of help.

FGM broke me deeply, but it also made me cognisant of the power and vulnerability of my sex. I became more acutely aware of gender, of the power imbalance between the women and men in the society where I lived. It brought home to me how vulnerable a woman can be in the world (some areas of the world were and remain far more dangerous than others). I saw how women were vulnerable at home and vulnerable outside the home. 

I also embraced and enjoyed my own sexuality, feeling a deep connection to myself in that way and fighting back against the shame that everyone wanted to indoctrinate into me. I didn’t give in even though that was the tougher path, even though it took every ounce of my strength and power to remain myself and keep myself from disintegrating. 

I spent long stretches of time on my own. I was deeply damaged and took solace from the silence of the desert, the emptiness and timelessness of the arid land. I sat and contemplated my past and my future. The desert was hot and everything within it was very pale, stripped of colour by the stark, heartless sun. Yet it was not empty of life - here a small lizard crept by, there a large turtle trundled along moving deceptively quickly, soon a small moving rock on the horizon. Goats and camels came and went. People were distant dots on the landscape. I walked through the desert barefoot, looking for answers or for relief from pain but there was no reply. The desert could not take my pain away but it was large enough to accept it. The desert was large enough so that I was a small, safe speck within its expanse. I could scream, shout, fling things around and lie in the dirt, and I could watch the sun go down and the Milky Way slowly rise to take its place.

Deserts are too large, but I love them for it.

#triggering topics #triggering content #abuse #tw cptsd