#hapsburg flatboi

[ironychan]

Here are some results of several days' attempts at fishing.  Most of the fish I ever saw before were already dipped in batter and deep-fried, which is probably why I tended to think of them as pretty boring animals.  I stand corrected.

Vandebeek and Ireland were particularly interested, because both of them used to sport fish as a hobby.  They were keen to point out how these creatures are adapted for living in a river full of silt where you can't see anything.  The fish with the giant mouth can suck things into it from a few centimetres away.  The one with the face tentacles can use them to keep track of what's going on in the water around it.  The giant arms allow the tiny crab to feel around for things.

Reynolds, who is currently sitting with his hand in a bucket of ice and also on a precautionary dose of epinephrine because Boonmee pointed out we don't know if he's having a toxic reaction or an allergic one, wanted to call the big-mouthed one the Fucking Bastardfish.  We managed to talk him down to Brindled Bastardfish but he would not budge on the 'bastard' part.  Possibly to show him up, Vandebeek named the face tentacle one Cthulhops hudsonensis.  The little crab thing we're calling a Crimp Shrimp but nobody will own up to coining it.

The big fellow we found not by catching it in our net but by stepping on it as it hid in the riverbed mud.  When we brought it up for a better look we discovered its horrible mouth that shoots straight up to eat anything that tries to nibble on the dark tips of its face tentacles.  I took my turn to name something and called it a Hapsburg Flatboi in honour of its underbite.

We have also the fat little guy in the lower right, who has decided that the best way to keep from being predated upon is to be covered with shark teeth.  It's hide is incredibly tough and if you rub it the wrong way you'll lose the skin off your fingertips.  The only way we could get into it was down a sort of seam between scales in the side, which Vandebeek says is a sensory organ called the lateral line, and even then it dulled his knife.  We figured anything that works that hard to protect its innards must be delicious and we were right.  It's pink, meaty, and a bit greasy like trout, where most of the other fish just tasted kind of muddy.  Wang named it the Fishko Ball, because it's round and covered with silver facets.

Then there's this goddamn thing:

Ireland thinks these guys are examples of 'decarcinization', which is when crabs evolve to look not like crabs.  It is the opposite of 'carcinization', which is when things that are not crabs evolve to look like crabs.  I guess this is common enough that we needed a word for it?  Boonmee is making curry out of it and several others are eager for a taste, but I must decline on the grounds that whatever it is, it is definitely shellfish, and I don't want hives today.

We have named the big one a Long Crab, while the little dudes are Razor Crabs, because they're thin rather than because they're sharp.  Although they are also sharp.

Ireland wants me to note that not all crustaceans are crabs.  However, by her own admission they all either used to be crabs or will someday become crabs, so I stand by my terminology.

#the last humans #speculative evolution #brindled bastardfish #crimp shrimp #cthulhops hudsonensis #hapsburg flatboi #fishko ball #long crab #razor crab #joost vandebeek #droolingiguana was right about the crabs #more crabs to come