#harder to work through because man does my brain love latching onto a grudge but. for lack of a better term. whatever

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

i don’t like. the irrationality created by memories

#ive spent enough time pouring over information and reading studies and making sure i know damn well how this disease works so that at least #it’s not some unknown enemy and becomes something i can understand #which is fine until im crying and shaking in my bathroom over it potentially being in this damn house once again and at this time of the #year where specific anniversaries of horrible milestones come back to haunt me #and i haven’t been fully present in going on two years now but these last two days have passed obnoxiously quickly and none of it feels real #it’s been a long time since i haven’t known the hour much less what day it is #and i can tell you about blood vessels and symptoms and all the ways this disease can function in and destroy the body but it doesn’t make #any difference when nothing feels real and i had to check what day it was and got the date wrong for the first time in years #I’m also defaulting to hyper-rationality which hasn’t happened since middle school and isn’t. a good sign #it’s just a replay of a lot of memories i can’t forgot but this time it’s not just memories and has a very much physical component which is #worse. I think. by far. #and then there’s the repercussions of this where I have to see if my brain will allow me to anything #i can hope i can still go to work and everything because i do love it but last time this happened i wasn’t able to walk into any building #without having to leave #so. I don’t know. not to mention things that don’t have to do with school or careers? #and rationally i should be asleep at the moment because sleep is so so necessary right now but that’s the one thing I’m really struggling #with right now #i don’t know. it’s just a lot and I don’t appreciate the added layer of ‘time is a circle’ #there’s other things I have to deal with and work through that are more irrational than research vs trauma response but will probably be #harder to work through because man does my brain love latching onto a grudge but. for lack of a better term. whatever #im most upset about things pertaining to a career has been messed up and that i can’t celebrate chanukah with my family #because everyone else can think about christmas but im losing my winter holiday #im just. anything that isn’t empty is scared and angry and bitter just a little bit #vent tw