#i actually want to do a bigger write up about this bc its sooo interesting how there was a backlash to calling it abuse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suncatchr · 3 years

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Heyo if u wanna talk abt ur ocs can u tell me abt the newest ones (or at least the ones that r new to me which is all of them on the last pic of ur oc post I think?) :3

omggg thank you for asking :3 this is long sorry i haven’t organised my thoughts about them yet ahjfklsa but here we go

before i can talk abt rain n evie i have to explain the universe with kes, amaya, and rio. im sure you remember them :3 but umm you said they were based on pacific rim and i don’t know anything abt pacific rim fhjlafnj sooo i made a bunch of stuff up. soooo there’s a parallel universe/alternate dimension full of people and like, monsters. the alt. universe people r testing ways to break into our dimension and open the door permanently so that both dimensions are their domain. the... city...? that the story is set in is like a capitalists’s dream, split harshly between rich and poor with no middle class. the poor faction of the city that will be named soon is the one responsible for keeping the other-dimension-ers out of our dimension, most if not all of them are responsible in some way for keeping their area safe from those tears in the ozone layer. they in return are given technology, money, and supplies from the rich faction. those guys do next to nothing, they operate like any other city where everyone has jobs and pays their dues to the government. they are very strict about who they let into the city; they don’t want outsiders to know about their dimension problem lest they stop the warriors from doing their jobs or do something to make the tear bigger etc etc. they also don’t want poor people in the city, even if they’re responsible for everyone’s safety. I’m thinking of making the story a really obvious allegory similar to older-fashioned dystopian novels like animal farm and brave new world because i’m obsessed with those in concept. so i think supporting characters will be one-dimensional caricatures of types of people in society, and only the MCs will have nuance. this also makes it easier for me to write side characters ;3

so kestrel and amaya are siblings mostly born and raised into monster-fighting. you know when there’s a factory or whatever in town that most people in that city work at? there’s one of those but it’s like... a firehouse for monster fighting. they mostly live and sleep there, they’re fed and clothed here for free so long as they fight and they’re both content with that. I’m not sure what happened to their parents yet but they’re probably dead. not everyone’s parents are dead, some people have families that they live with at the... compound, these two are just tragic and whatnot. families are encouraged to fight together in duos or trios so that loyalty makes them fight smarter and harder to protect each other. when they’re not at the compound, like if they have shifts off or whatever, they live in an abandoned subway station and steal power from the government who’s unaware that that track is unused 😌

so as far as them as individuals, i kept the planets that u based them off of :3 kestrel is based off mars and mars is the planet of action, energy, motivation, temper. kestrel is moody and temperamental, but their choices are never made without careful consideration. they’re a quick thinker and that makes them confident, so they never back down from a challenge. they have a hard time masking their emotions and it’s easy to see what’s going on in their head. they’re hard to embarrass, though, and they’re very confident in most of their assertions. they’re impatient and crabby, but they aren’t at all shy.

amaya is based off venus, so she’s more emotionally rounded than her sibling and more interested in the poetry of life. she’s very expressive and polite, and she has a thing abt maintaining her image. she’s a bit materialistic and self-centred, focused on her looks and her space, but she’s realistic in her material n sensual desires because al things considered she lives in a subway station. she knows what to expect from life, or at least she thinks she does, and is just as confident in her own assertions as kestrel. she’s stubborn and argumentative for that reason, but her confidence makes her a natural leader and people flock to her for advice and assistance. she loves this.

and adrion, based off earth, comes into their lives later. rio used to live on the rich side of town until a second dimension creature escapes the notice of the warriors (i swear they won’t actually be called “warriors” forever 😭) and destroys his part of the city. his family is alright, but the destruction makes him feel like he could do a better job than whoever’s currently there. he leaves his family to join up with the. the compound, and when asked to find a partner to fight with, chooses amaya and kestrel because they’re a top-of-their-class team who are always talking about how things could be better. at first, they don’t want him bc they’re lone wolves and they do not like to be told what to do. but he’s a tough fighter and he’s got the motivation to be good, so they let him stay on the team. as far as personality, rio is really chill and understanding, often willing to let other people’s faults slide. as long as he’s allowed to do what he wants to do, other people can have their way. he’s cheerier than the other two but he’s quieter and more in-the-background. his strong will makes him sensitive and he refuses to change his mind often because he’s quite naive and gullible, making him easy to trick and take advantage of which makes him insecure. this makes him prone to snapping when people put pressure on him.

now for rain and evie. i originally created them as prototypes for their own narrative but the story seemed really similar to my other stuff so i scrapped it BUT i thought the characters themselves worked in this story instead so i kept them :3. rain and evie are brothers who were initially raised in a fighting ring. they live on the poor side of town but they never worked for the compound. they make a living by gladiator fighting, people pay to come in and bet on them and obviously they’re paid for winning fights. rain is an extremely adept fighter and usually manages to beat opponents with brute strength. evie is smaller and less physical and usually fights by using the opponent’s strength against them. they’re simultaneously popular and unpopular in their neighbourhood as they’re like. cool for being good in the ring but they’re really weird otherwise. they’re aggressive, angry and irrational, they act like they’re always in the ring. rain is more sociable and capable than evie, who tends to be reactive and angry. he doesn’t want to be here, but rain is more content in his abilities, so he handles mostly everything so that evie doesn’t have to be responsible for anything. they end up moving on from the ring after evie takes on an opponent that rain tried to tell everyone that he could never beat. evie takes a violent blow to the head that leaves him comatose, and rain spends a huge chunk of money for a piece of technology that replaces the damaged areas of evie’s head and functions in its place. no one tells rain, though, that the thing he put in evie’s head is technology from the other dimension. after the two leave the ring, they decide to make themselves useful and fight the monsters that forced them into this life in the first place.

personality-wise, rain is a laid-back, go-with-the-flow kind of guy. he likes to let things take their course and he isn’t much concerned with proceedings outside of himself and evie. he purposefully denies himself negative emotion and usually tries to fake that everything is good all the time. despite this, he’s emotional and reactive and extremely defensive. he doesn’t like to be challenged or made unhappy and in his dream world he and evie are always just hanging out doing what they want and not having to answer to anyone. people often find him charming bc he’s able to finagle most situations into him getting his way, he’s exceptional with people but he doesn’t like them.

evie is more sullen and droopy. he almost always lets rain do all the talking and he usually appears unconcerned with most goings-on because he’s letting rain evaluate the situation. he’s usually inside his own head, daydreaming or fussing. most of his interactions with others are verbal or physical fights bc he’s unsure how to manage himself without rain around and is often willing to fight for whatever he thinks rain would want. he’s independent outside of that, doesn’t like to be told what to do or how to act. not even rain can calm him down when he’s on his soapbox because he truly believes that if he had to grow up a fighting dog he should be allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants. in downtime he’s usually a little bit more uppity than rain but still similarly laid-back and willing to act like things are okay.

the five of these characters r in the same universe and they go on missions together often, though kes and amaya don’t really get along with rain and evie because they’re all so stubborn.

next are niko and andre, who i got from sammy! we got urban fantasy going on here, and i’m thinking of setting it in like. the mid 1800-s. i’m feeling spicy. umm so i think the key thing about this universe is that “hunters” are a species of humanoid monster. this world is spinning with vampires, werewolves, faeries, demons, etc. pretending to be human in order to survive, and hunters are a mimic species that look human but just... aren’t. they have an insatiable desire to hunt and kill (used to be for food but humans make food more easily accessible), but killing humans makes them vulnerable to being found out. killing other monsters is the perfect substitute, plus humans praise them for it. they’re onto each other but they can’t make scenes in human society so they have to dance around each other to do all of their killing in secret.

andre is a hunter living in the shadow of his older sister, angel. she’s a better, more ruthless hunter than he is, with stronger instincts and a greater prey drive. she’s popular with people in town and generally just more charismatic. he really wants to be like her, but he’s klutzy and insecure and his instincts are poor cuz he overthinks them. one day he comes across niko in a bar and, perceiving him to be human bc he has 0 instincts, they get their flirt on. until niko says something that makes andre realise he’s a vampire. embarrassed and ashamed of his attraction, andre tries to turn his feeling of betrayal into murderous instinct, and he can turn that anger into his first solo kill. niko keeps chasing after andre trying to catch his non-murderous attention because he actually really likes him and doesn’t want to let what they are get in their way.

personality wise, niko is a noisy little wisecracker who likes to be popular. he’s a genuinely nice guy and is famous wherever he goes for being wise and helpful. he’s usually pretty optimistic and very charming, especially in bigger crowds where he can fit in. he can be purposefully oblivious and is very good at disguising his feelings and intentions. he’s witty and sarcastic, often masking negativity for the sake of keeping it light.

andre is a straightforward intellectual type who likes to work and create and achieve. he’s intelligent and steadfast and always strives to do his best (which is why being terrible at hunting is upsetting for him). making achievements kind of replaces his understanding of himself, and not being good at things really digs at his self-worth. he’s not much of a people person but he’s not really shy, either. he’s polite and good-natured, though his feelings are quite fragile.

next generation, same universe, next is honour (whose name HAS to be spelled with the u), journey, and solace. resident throuple. honour and solace are hunters, and journey is human. honour was raised in a big home with lots of hunters under the iron fist of like, the mean nursemaid from annie. they hunt monsters as an organised group, but its a violent institution that doesn’t believe in autonomy nor the worth of human lives. humans exist as something to blend into while they exterminate all other monsters. honour stops believing this when she gets older, mostly due to meeting journey. she assumes journey is just going to be vapid and goofy bc he’s a human, but he ends up being a really cool dude who’s just as in-depth as her and she begins to realise how terrible the lessons she was raised on are.

journey’s family were aware that they were often surrounded by monsters and as such were very protective of him and his siblings. journey never gets to go out and do things, and being stuck in the stuffy comfort of his home is not what he wants to do with his life when he knows there are monsters out there. when he and honour hit it off, they decide to run away together, deciding to shed their upbringings entirely by changing their names to the things they want most.

i set this in the 1800s JUST so that i could have honour and journey use the train to run away. not nice public transit trains, i mean they are riding the dirty rusty rails to seek a better life. they intend to ride a long time to make sure that they’re never recognised. on one of the trains they catch to head north, they come across solace, helping him onto the train as he got there a split second too late to catch it. despite his initial gratitude, solace is unpleasant to ride with. turns out he’s been on the run for most of his life and is just trying to find a place to stay where no one will care that he’s a hunter. in human-only societies hunters are known as mimics and are heavily discriminated against if you’re suspected of being one and straight up killed if you are. after living an uncomfortable life and seeing his father killed, solace decides to go from town to town until he finds a place that’s mostly hunters. when honour reveals they’re looking for the same thing, solace decides to go with them. he’s hesitant to give up his name because it was given to him by his parents, but ultimately he wants to leave that life behind and embody comfort and. yk. solace.

haven’t quite figured these three out personality-wise bc i only finished their designs and names in time for posting the art, rip

and lastly my warriors ocs! I decided to make regular fanclans as opposed to using my existing ocs in an au mostly because i didn’t wanna add in random npcs (as it were) to fill the nursery and elder’s den even tho those r important to clan life. so, i made separate ocs, they live in the arctic! summitclan in the mountains, tundraclan in the plains, and glacierclan by the. glacier. the story so far is a murder mystery, cats of all clans are being killed and going missing and no one knows why. while most warriors assume there’s a bear or fox hanging around the territories, the apprentices saw something while they were hanging out that made them decide to investigate deeper...

our mc is snowpaw, a repurposed rp oc fjdkfjld;af. he’s a summitclan cat and he’s known to be strange and standoffish. he seems cold and apathetic about almost everything and it’s hard to see what he enjoys and dislikes. his secretiveness makes it easy for him to investigate the murders, no one ever questions where snowpaw is going or what he’s doing. with his friends and family snowpaw is a little more jovial, he has very dry humour and is also always trying to help

crowpaw is a tundraclan cat. he’s stuck up and big-mouthed, very arrogant little know it all. don’t ever tell him that, though, bc he’s very sensitive and he will cry. he likes to be seen as the best at everything so he dedicates excess time to learning and is actually a very curious and adventurous cat underneath.

swiftpaw is a glacierclan cat. he’s very mature and is often rumoured to be a great deputy choice when he’s old enough. he’s calm and level-headed, a quick-thinking problem solver with a bit of a superiority complex but not one that anyone in his life would be aware of bc he’s so darn polite. the warrior code is important to him and so are rules of daily clan life that reduce conflict in any way.

teapaw is also a glacierclan cat. she, like snowpaw, is a little bit quiet and secretive, the kind of person (..?) that kinda lurks in the back of important things going on rather than offering her voice. she’s a healer’s apprentice and takes a lot of pride in being effective and efficient with all her duties. she’s curious and observant, and shes good friends with her clan’s seer, deadhawk (i split the medicine cat position into two for these clans, healers do doctor stuff, seers talk to starclan), so she tends to be up to date w what starclan says, which helps her and her friends w their mystery.

and finally, breezepaw! he’s a summitclan cat and snowpaw’s bff. he’s kinda clueless and distractable, very much a follower personality as he likes others to decide what’s important for him to do. he’s a quiet cat, but he’s not afraid to speak his mind when the time comes. kinda a goofy jokester dude, but he knows how to read a room and keep quiet when he doesn’t know what to contribute and jokes won’t help. he likes snowpaw because snowpaw’s always confident in what he’s doing and never clowns on breezepaw for not knowing wtf is going on

#this took me so long to type out all the way jfdkslfjd sorry abt that #maybe its been a week and a half who are you to judge #anyway thankie again for asking it was great to tupe out stuff abt them for the first time :D #type* -_-#oc ask #edit: ive just decided that hunters feed off life energy but only as it escapes #that's what drives their desire to kill

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lunasaturnine · 4 years

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Vienna and cultural trauma

WOW so cool to sign into tumblr and see 99+ notifications, and think “oh a post got some attention,” but it’s actually just general attention!

My astro blog is ready for some action! Or maybe ppl are just bored bc of the quarantine. Either way, it would be cool to write.

I want to write about VIENNA.

I just took a course about somatic healing of trauma and it gave me a good overview of how trauma recovery works. Chapter 1 of trauma recovery is gathering resources. Chapter 2 is dipping or oscillating back into the memory, whether it’s a clear memory or just something held hidden in your body, with your new resources, and allowing circles to complete. Chapter 3 is being bigger bigger brighter in the world !!! (It’s a nice course, it’s on somatopia.com, it costs $40 if you have that to throw around, it’s like 2 hours of videos of a nice man talking in a soothing voice in intelligent language about healing from trauma)

Now I’m thinking about cultural trauma and Vienna. I have long felt that helping to heal the Hitler wound of Vienna is one of my soul’s major dharmic thrusts. So I googled “healing cultural trauma” and most resources out there talk about the trauma of the victim culture. That kind of trauma is totally different, because it recommends amplifying the traditions and greatnesses of the culture, and when you’re a cultural perpetrator of violence, amplifying the greatness of your culture is a trigger because cultural superiority is what lead your culture to be violent. But there are still a lot of resources with a lot of valuable information. I’ve only skimmed a couple things so far and it seems like one thing people emphasize in cultural healing is human connectedness.

The internet is a little hard to navigate on this topic, but I found an NYT editorial called “I loved my grandmother but she was a Nazi.” The author’s sweet grandma was literally a Nazi but she was a nice person who didn’t hate Jews. When the author talked to her about it, she would deflect. “He said a lot of things, I didn’t listen to them all” and “I was caught up in my own life” etc. The author says, that’s bullshit, there’s something she’s avoiding, and I can’t understand what it is or why she’s doing it, and I’m hesitant to say this because it might seem like I’m trying to forgive Naziism but I’m really just trying to understand who I look at when I look at my grandmother. It’s the most direct address of the West’s Nazi wound that I’ve found in my two and a half minutes of searching on google and I think it’s on the nose.

In the readmore are my more concrete thoughts on potential resources for Western/German/Viennese healing, and thoughts about what working through phase 2 would look like for a perpetrator culture.

Resources

On this reddit post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/history/comments/5nfqwp/my_grandmother_grew_up_in_nazi_germany/

there are some resources. First of all, 1. there are people from diverse backgrounds respective to WWII, coming together and talking as equals in the same kind of “room.” The descendants of the persecuted and the persecutors are together and they are not enemies. The knowledge, and SOMATIC FEELING EXPERIENCE, of that, can be a resource. I am typing over this brusquely and that’s Mercury magic for you and you should know that I just burst into sobs. That in just a couple of generations, the grandsons and daughters of enemies can be together and not hate each other and even love each other is an immense resource and can be leaned into at any point. There is a vast well of cultural relief available here. My tears are thankful, grateful tears, tears of relief. I am thinking of the parks in vienna that are holocaust memorial parks. I am thinking of that horrible statue out in front of the Albertina that is a memorial to cultural violence but at the same time, also represents the trapped soul of the Perpetrator culture, since we are all One. In the same way that a piece of music which opens with a terrifying chord represents both the terror experienced by the terrorized, and the menace of the terrorizer, AND THE FEELINGS IN THE terrorizer that caused them to generate this chord... off on a tangent, and I’m not sobbing anymore! That was crazy. I have a tendency to lock my feelings up, but being alone in this house and in this quarantine, I can open up locked wells of feeling like that.

That resource is IMMENSE, and it’s RIGHT in front of our faces all the time. I took a class on 20th century germany in undergrad, and the professor was a young guy with a Nazi grandfather, well I’m not sure if he was a Nazi but he was a German soldier, and he remarked on it. And I think at the time I thought “how lovely” but if you sit with that feeling, it’s deep as hell. And if you sit with it from the perspective of a penitent perpetrator, it’s REALLY FUCKING DEEP.

So that’s available. Im gonna post this real quick as a way of saving the draft but I have more ideas.

Okay. Continuing,

Resource 2 also from reddit post

The top respondent says his German POW uncle had a British GF. That’s similar to the first resource, but more immediate. I’m sure there are lots of stories like that. Intercultural experience that nullifies certain tensions

Resource 3 also from reddit post

The stories of people who did do the right thing... maybe. I dont know. I’ll get off this post soon but it’s interesting. Idk if this counts as a resource, it’s kind of a tangent, but the more I learn about karma and trans-life inheritance of it, the more it seems true that it really is better to die living in line with your beliefs than to live safely. Like the person in Pweuy’s post. That father died but his karma was pristine as far as this was concerned and perpetrator trauma did not cling to him.

ok jesus this is an interesting post... the girl skipping over the river of blood as it trickled out of the asylum... the hitler youth boy befriending a lamb and the nazis slaughtering it in front of him... the russian soldier who guarded the german girl because she reminded him of her daughter...

Okay. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not specifically talking about people who held Nazi beliefs in their core. There is a special type of perpetrator injury that is specific to that kind of thing, true villains and terrorists. I’m talking more about “ordinary Germans” who didn’t think very hard and got swept along, moderate supporters to moderate resisters. As a culture, they were moved by the tides into Naziism. They have culpability, but not the exact same kind of culpability as perpetrator people. The culture moved to perpetrate these crimes, and they were a part of that culture. That’s the specific kind of wound I’m interested in healing. There is a poster on that page whose grandma really loved Hitler...

Ok! I spent a lot of my energy in that page, now its 10PM and I still have veggies to prepare. I need energy for this next thing I was going to talk about.

Resource 4 - this one specific coffee shop

I’m putting *s in its name because I like this blog anonymous. P*****n is a coffee shop in Vienna that is the only happy place I went. There were places that were ok... and fine... maybe pleasant... but this place was American levels of happy. Waiters danced around and were actually relaxed and happy. P*****n’s theme is intergenerational communication. It hires grandmothers to work behind the counter, and make pies, and you’re supposed to buy a slice of their pie and talk to them a bit. And then the waiters are young, and they communicate with the Omas. And the Omas are maybe not old enough to have been Nazis but their parents were.

They also include a bit in all their menus about intergenerational dialogue and wondering what more they can do and how they can be more of a space for it.

I had MANY genuinely pleasant little experiences there... and I think that little space that some person with a vision made, is a blossoming flowerpot with lots of healing energy where true dialogue could happen. So that could be a resource too. The happiness of that place. In fact, these conversations could happen there.

But I wouldn’t want to break the space. The course I just took talked about titration, which is just accessing a TINY part of the traumatic memory, so you don’t get overwhelmed. This is a very icy fucked up conversation for a lot of people. My Viennese friend told me to talk more quietly about it than I was. Actually I did talk about it there with some people! The German girl was surprised that I thought Vienna had a wound. So was the Irish girl actually. For other people it’s really evident. My Viennese friend. D**n. Rf: “it’s ALL I feel when I am there.” ME. God that conversation was sooo gentle and sweet and light. The Irish girl was wondering if she should move to Vienna or stay in Barcelona, and the three of us talked about Vienna nd it was SOOOOO LOVELY, holy BALLS.

But even if we don’t hold conversations there exactly, that could be a really good place for conversation to start. I could reach out to the people who run the shop to ask them about it. And then maybe conversations could happen in other places (don’t want to spoil the sweetness of the shop).

Resource 5 - personal as I investigate maybe not really a resource - but yes maybe it is a resource: Grounded, comfortable people who are Viennese, and who understand the goals and also understand the sensitivities of Viennese people more than I do;

Resource 6 - people who are experts at cultural healing in victim cultures

Resource 7 - fostering dialogue between those two parties, also me.

Again I’m really playing fast and loose with the idea of resources. Maybe. We’re starting to move into phase 2, also, because with this dialogue, I want to open up some scripts for how to TITRATE sensitively.

phase 2

For instance, notice that I didn’t say something like “Remembering Vienna’s amazing heritage of incredible music that has the power to redeem and heal equal to and more accessibly than religions.” I think it’s true that Viennese music is a major healing resource (BEETHOVENSCHUBERTMOZARSKLTBSLJRTHBLEWSKJNS:OFDFD), but since it is bound up in Viennese identity, that notion is complex. Also, it’s not only that Viennese identity is nasty because it’s nazi and therefore that gives Schubert etc a dark tint, but also, the grand things that Vienna has contributed to western culture are now a part of Vienna’s current wound of degradation, cheapification, and humiliation by TOURISM. although I will say that I think Resource 8 should be MY OWN deep internalization of the healing power of Viennese music. Posting again to save...

...not only does that music help me be healed, but it also helps me understand healing process in the specific language of the culture i’m interested in

okay. Phase 2.

A picture of what I think sorta needs to happen

I think Omas that say “It was just a lot of talk, we ignored it” and “I was busy in my life”... I think what needs to happen for a perp culture is for them to actually own their part in the villainy, to claim it and stand in it and feel the pain, and say “I’m SORRY, this was HORRIBLE, I AM SORRY.” THIS WILL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME NEW!!!!!!!

That’s a v different healing process from like native american healing etc.

I really think somatic approach is a better road in than cognitive because, god, imagine cognizing all of this HORRIBLE SIN bit by bit knowing your culture perpetrated it and not having anyone to blame it on. Jesus.

How might the process of getting there look?

This is vague especially now that I don’t have that burst of energy. Conversations...

Here’s a question. After resource gathering.

“Knowing that bells rang for Hitler in Vienna, how does it feel to be Viennese?” IN YOUR BODY?

Damn THAT’S GOOD! THAT’S THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION. How does it feel to be Viennese? The goal is for it to feel OK.

Um, speaking specifically about Wiener trauma and their welcoming of Hitler, a few years ago, I read this in some guidebook, Vienna’s government acknowledged that they welcomed Hitler and that they were wrong, and investigating that is important for my mission. It’s cool because 1. it’s a Big Ol Step and 2. it lays groundwork for all of this.

Step 3 is really beautiful to think about. In the course I took, it’s where the instructor got out of his soothing calm neutral demeanor and started speaking passionately and bursting with smiles.

In addition to being able to be more firmly grounded in their own individual and cultural identities...

Okay, so, I’m drawn to this because I’m drawn to it, punkt. That’s all. But also, and I think I’m really late on the uptake here, I think I was due in Vienna many years ago, I think that whatever work I do in Vienna is helpful for the echoes of Naziism in today’s world, such as Trumpism (which does not...exactly... have the same kinds of premises but uses a lot of the same kinds of mecahnisms) and actual brazen nationalism, white supremicism, and far right movements. Hitler is a LOUD and REVERBERANT figure in our history for this kind of energy, and if we can do healing surrounding him, re-discovering resilience in the moderates, helping them go through the emotional journey they need to go through, they will be a beautiful resonant horn call from the past, a solid core of NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that will strengthen the culture of the entire FUCKING world.

Music will be a part of it.

I have always loved Vienna, and I can’t really analyze it. I love it like a girlfriend. I know she’s problematic. And she can be really really horrible.

The wound is deep. The horribleness, the life negating quality not only of the FUCKING WRETCHED SHOP CLERKS, but also of the WAY -- THINGS -- HAPPEN, of the overall weird ass SPIRIT in Vienna, is... God DAMN WHY do I like that city so much? It’s bizarre. It’s very pervasive. I don’t enjoy experiencing it, I don’t think it’s attractive, I don’t like it. I love Vienna THROUGH that wound. I REALLY LOVE Vienna. That’s one of the clearest things that I know in my heart. I love Vienna... and that’s the whole story. It’s one of the easiest things for me to say.

Lots of people love a city. We do it for reasons. I think our hearts are drawn where they are drawn because we are attracted to healing the specific karmas of places. The karma of my hometown is mainly racial, with native american underneath. The coffee shop that is equivalent to P*****n serves often as a place of racial conversation and healing. It is actually pretty amazing. And once there was a white supremacist with a gun there and he stood up on a table and let people see his gun. He didn’t yell or anything. But that vital thing happened there in that coffee shop.

Excuse me I also love coffee shops and Vienna is the land of coffee shops.

Okay. I love Vienna! I literally love Vienna, with my heart. I love Vienna.

One last thing. I’m saving then editing...

The postscript: A major resource, and it kinda sidesteps some things, is language. It will be much better if German is spoken in these conversations. When I went to Vienna last, I didn’t prepare my German because when I went to Vienna first, everyone spoke English and it was simply easier to speak English all the time, so I figured I wouldn’t try to give the illusion and disappoint. But lo... the native people really, really resent it if you don’t even try to speak German. They actually seem to experience it as an injury. It is wild, if you’re not expecting it.

ALL OVER VIENNA I saw the Graffiti stamp/brand, “Tourism is terrorism.”

When I was in the airport and the cute customs dudes asked me the purpose of my visit, I said “TOURISM” and they laughed. That was fun. But it was a lie. I was a pilgrim. I... know I was a tourist, technically. But I felt such hatred for the tourists standing like apes in front of the Schubert statue in the Stadtpark. Their wretched selfie smiles plastered on top of the emptiness of their experience. My purpose in Vienna had nothing in common with theirs. And I claim that I didn’t do a lot of the tourist things - not many museums or concerts or whatever.

One of my more pleasant memories was going into a used book shop and asking about a book in the window, a German-language edition of the tao te ching from 1923 (a very strange time). I asked in English. The clerk was confused and asked if I spoke German, and I answered in German that I spoke some German, but was learning, and knew the TTC very well, and that it’s simply usually easier to speak in English. I might have used imperfect German, but I felt dignified and natural doing it.

Ok, not only the German language, but the quiet Viennese demeanor of Scorpiness. Scorpscorpscorpscorp. Quiet, observant, emotional, and responsive to gentle tenderness and consideration, and traumatized by brashness.

Both the spoken language, and the language of the demeanor, I think are somatic approaches that sidestep cognitive...things and make the culture feel unconsciously accepted and open.

On my first trip I learned howwwwww AMERICAN I was, and then on my second trip I opened myself up to my inner Wiener and was quiet and scorpy, and I felt warmth emerge from the people and city in response. It felt really right, and it felt like i was honoring...her, and it felt um sort of romantic. ha

#Vienna #Wien

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survivorazores · 7 years

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Ep. 2 - “I'm gonna jump of a cliff. A relatively small cliff, but that's not the point”- Amanda Lynn

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163388457378/tribal-immunity-2

Ruthie is a cracked ass mofo. Ashley must have gotten into her ear. Looks like me Will and Amanda have to band together against this evil.

Remember when I said I was gonna create some chaos? Boom bitch

I will not go through that shit show ever again that is not happening i will dismember myself before being a target again mark my words

What the fiddlesticks?!?! I'm over.

I don't drink but I need a glass of wine smh

Tribal? I don't know her. Okay so the vote looked like it would be Ashley going home. I told Ruthie to vote Ashley. Obviously, Ruthie must have told Ashley and began to spin a web to vote out Zoe. They got Bryce and Abbey and Ricky along with the plan. Ruthie said Ashley had an idol, but Ashley didn't. I don't trust her and want Ruthie gone. She needs to go.

im good at jumping to conclusions

Tonight was CRAZY but so much fun! ALL THESE LITTLE RATS KEPT TELLING ME TO VOTE ASHLEY! But the same little rats were telling her to vote Ricky or ME, so anyway, I told her that they were all voting for her, and I don't know she seemed busy or something, but once she finally answered me I asked her if I could tell people she had the idol... or maybe I didn't ask her that but I told people she had it and that she was going to play it. Then I asked her if I could call her out in the tribe chat and she said YES! So I just acted very paranoid like I just KNEW it was going to be me and that she was playing an idol, and I really think these people think I'm freaking crazy so I really tried to act the part by calling her out and saying 'DON'T WRITE MY NAME DOWN' over and over. If someone did this that wasn't me, I would probably write their name down just because but I don't know. Everyone kept telling me to vote Ashley and I started telling people to vote Ricky. Ricky got wind of this and he and Abbey told me to vote Zoe, so I gladly did and Ashley and Will (I think?) voted with us and it just worked out SUPER nicely. I feel bad for Zoe, she was really sweet and I hate being mean to a newbie when I'm like more than twice her age but I wanted to stay and I really wanted Ashley to stay. I know I have a HUGE target painted on me for next week but I'm hoping that by then me or Ashley find the idol! I'm going to tell her to like tell people to get rid of me because I'm insane or something, and then if we find the idol we'll use it in our favor during the next tribal council!

This is the CRAZIEST I've ever acted this early in a Survivor and the last time I played this insane it got me runner-up and I didn't win because of how cuckoo everyone thought I was but it's fun to cause a little chaos and I want to give all these newbies a game to remember!! I hope we win this next challenge but if we don't I'm going to figure out a way to keep Ashley and I safe again. There is ALWAYS a way to manipulate people into doing certain things you just have to like find the right buttons to press and really think things through!

OH MY GOSH, how crazy is Raffy? HE WANTS TO ALIGN WITH ME. He says that I make things interesting and I'm SURE not gonna turn down an alliance. I think Ashley is going to be my number one because idk how much I can trust Raffy but this is still exciting!!

Me, Will, and Amanda are starting to form an alliance to go against Ashley and Ruthie. I've also decided that Mo should join up, since he was one of the votes that kept Zoe. It'll be hard, but we also need to somehow flip either Bryce or Abbey onto our side. Then we have majority. For now, though, I've also wanting to align myself up with Ruthie. If she truly is working with Ashley, I could see if there is any info that she could share. I don't know if I want to be a rat, but I'm going to set myself up to at least play the middle.

Emily is a fraud and playing everoyone:))))) that is all

So last night we had a challenge that i didn't contribute on because I fell "asleep" and I'm very scared that if we lose they might want to send me home also Michael keeps asking like is our alliance real when we haven't lost anything so there's no reason to really be plotting anything this makes me suspicious of him

https://youtu.be/ajseZQKaD6Y

I love how well our tribe gets along. I haven't seen too much in the way of strategy becoming, like, a thing yet from what I can observe. If we lose this challenge then it will definitely emerge. I'd like to see a bit more complicated gameplay but not if it means we lose this immunity challenge

So Michael keeps adding people to the alliance, like hoe calm down we are good we gonna be okay like I love Michael but he needs to calm down and Emily omg this girl is way to messy she's like "too much small talk lets talk game" I've also heard she's make alliances with everyone so she's messy. Ray omg I like him too but he's a inactive and Amanda Lynn is kinda bossy and I don't think she likes me lol we'll see I think if we do go to tribal it's gonna be messy

If I get voted off this round I deserve to be on all stars yas

so besides accidentally searching for an idol in the challenge chat (sorry kids) i'm in two (2) alliances and playing the middle and literally playing everyone at the same time (except for ricky bc we're telling each other everything) and it's just... it feels right!

The Salao tribe loses immunity

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163417464138/results-2

YESSS!!! We won and I'm so happy we don't have to have a messy tribal for at least a few days! Iconic.

I'm so glad we won because I think I would actually die if I had to go to tribal again after everything last night jesus christ

I'm glad I made an appearance for the challenge even though it was just for like 5 minutes so they can see I'm INVESTED!! I felt so awkward when I got on and they brought up last night but oh well, I'm just glad that we won!! Now we just have to win the next challenge!

BITCH I AM LIVING FOR LOSING THE TRIBAL! I have a solid alliance with Amanda l, Emily and ray. Me and gwen have gotten super close. Amanda l and nayeli. And Emily and ali have as well. We have the majority of numbers and we're planning on sending aundra home! Bye bitch!

Losing is almost always disappointing. I think it's going to be hard going into tribal because it's going to be hard to choose someone to vote out. I just hope that, however the vote goes, it doesn't cause too much tension in the tribe

Bitches ain't shit! If no one is gonna be OTTN5 then I'll take that role!!!

So I forgot to write this yesterday but that tribal was so iconic. Me a minority voter? its more likely than you think. At least someone liked my parchment... Ruthie is an icon and I love her. One of me/Will/Amanda/Zoe didn't vote Ashley so that's sus. But we just won a challenge so that's good. Plus in a new alliance with Mo and RATphael so here's hoping I'm set up well.

My alliance says Francie and I couldn't be happier even though I'd much rather get out Amanda L since she a comp beast. We need her for challenges once we get close to a merge we'll cut her

I can't believe this tribe wants to vote off francie, it might be me I don't know but these people are messy af like I was gonna vote ray cause he doesn't like Tumblr and didn't even participate but the tribe wants to vote Francie! I know this vote is gonna get messy

TBH I wanna vote amanda out, but she actually is good at the challenges compared to a lot of these flops

literally everyone is wanting to vote out the flop that is Francie, but I don't want to vote her out at all because what has she done? She literally is so under the radar and inactive that what does it matter?? My downfall in this game is going to be playing too hard too fast and I already know that so I need to take a back seat to this tribal.

I read the edgic thing and im gonna try to do shit like that with in mind!<3 but anyways how do i feel? i love michael and nayeli!!! and its perfect that francie is being discussed to go home bc 1. thats not me 2. idc about her sooo yeah super sexy. anyways tophie is super sus and we all know emily too (yes i know im in multiple alliances but its only ok when i do it). tophie was talking about leaving the bad ass alliance already like... girl theres been no conflict really theyre just not doing much and were on the same page as them with francie!!! theres no need to do shit !!!! things will probably change but atm its pretty fine

After some confusion with my alliance I feel like I'm going home Michael is being very suspect and truthfully I'm starting not to like him like that If i go home tonight they will definitely regret it

The people I want to protect this week are Toph and Amanda Lynn. I'm closest with them. If Toph keeps playing how he's playing, that makes him a much bigger target than me. And I'm all for taking that boy to the end if he keeps being messy.

Francie brought up Ray to me. I'm technically in an alliance with Ray but I don't feel that I have to actually be loyal to him. If I felt that Francie could be a number to me, I would vote with her, but I don't know where her loyalties are, or if she has any. But I also feel that her not having any loyalties at the moment is beneficial to me because she would be a number in the future. The Bad Ass Alliance (Aundra, Gwen, Michael, Toph, and I) have all been talking about getting Francie out. I feel like this week we should play it safe. Toph, on the other hand, really wants to expose the Bad Ass' plan to the Four Amigos (Amanda Lynn, Ray, Toph, and I) then vote out Aundra, but I don't see any benefit in that. I was very worried about going to tribal because I KNEW Toph would explode. He's going to go crazy and I need to calm him down. A reason that Toph's plan is beneficial is that I don't feel that Aundra is going to be loyal to me and giving her name to Amanda Lynn would improve our trust. Like, Amanda Lynn, I'm looking out for you girl. (For now, at least.) I'm going to lay out the pros and cons because this is stressful. My options at the moment are Francie or Aundra. Francie pros: an easy out, no loyalties, wants to vote for someone who I am currently in an alliance with. Francie cons: could be a number to me in the future, pretty helpful in challenges, she's seventeen and once (if) I get to the merge, I want to make an alliance with all the seventeen year olds just for fun. But for real. Aundra pros: tighten my bonds with Amanda and Francie (establish loyalties with Francie), get rid of someone I'm uneasy about. Aundra cons: currently in an alliance with me, making a semi-big move very early Okay, so, what I have concluded here is that I want to get Aundra out over Francie. I could get Francie to vote with me. She could be a number. Blindsiding the Bad Ass Alliance is risky but you gotta risk it for the biscuit you feel. Someone please vote me off for using that phrase in my confessional--I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm overwhelmed. Tootles.

Henny, I am misting everyone into voting aundra out. I literally am doing #THAT. I don't wanna say I'm controlling the tribe right now, but I am controlling the tribe right now.

I am so glad we won!!! Strategy never fails!!! I'm glad that we can have time to get to know each other. It seems like they really know survivor so I'm a little nervous about that but I'm hoping others will be more open cause some seem a little cliquey.

Coming at you with another voting confessional because I have MORE TO SAY. Toph has informed me that Gwen wants to make a chat with just the three of us to discuss possibly getting someone not Francie out. I'm into it.

Also, I have asked Ali if he would like to work with me and I am awaiting a response. I trust him a lot for some reason??? He just gives good vibes. I like him. And I think I could get him to vote with me. Any relationship I can form is good because I want numbers. I think I'll withhold some of these bonds I'm forming with people from Toph because he's going a little crazy and he needs to stay mellow. But he's also worrying me because he keeps telling people he trusts me like bitch didn't you want everyone to think we weren't working together?? Okay.

But now Toph is telling the Bad Ass Alliance we need to vote Amanda. I know he doesn't want to vote Amanda but he wants to make sure Michael and Aundra do, then pull Gwen to our side to flip. I can get Francie and Ali to vote Aundra, and things could go well? I hope? I'm overwhelmed.

Holy shit. So much as changed already. So this "badass" alliance is gonna be quaking in the loafers. We plan on blindsiding the fuck out of them. After planting a little seed in aundra's head about getting about out Amanda L. That hunty actually went will the idea and now is targeting her. The whole alliance jumped in on the idea but little do they know that I rallied some double agents. Me gwen and Amanda are voting for aundra to leave because we plan on telling Amanda about aundra dragging out her name and we pln on getting francie to vote with us too because this bitch is dragging too many names boo boo. The end of the tribe will be a little like this 7 votes for aundra and 3 for amanda. Lets just say the bitch will be blindsided and shookth. Bye bye bitch!

These hoes are so messy I'm about spill so much scalding tea here rn, so it's been like 20 minutes and already people be targeting eachother! I'm so done

Lets finally talk about Amanda, she's okay. But she thinks she's a bad ass bitch lol I mean I don't want her out asap but I feel like she doesn't like me for some reason so what I'm gonna do for this vote is go with the group and try to blindside this chick next she's not with me catch the tea ON THAT

Another confessional because things are moving so fast: Toph and I discussed for a while whether or not to tell Amanda about Aundra bringing up her name. I said that it was a smart move and it strengthens our bonds. So, Toph spilled the tea to Amanda about Aundra putting her name out there. I messaged both Ali and Francie and told them what's going down. Ali and I have agreed to work together and I made Francie aware that I like her, trust her, and, if she would like to, would like to work with her in the future. I don't know how she feels about me. I hope she appreciates me keeping her updated on things in the tribe since no one else seems to talk with her. I am withholding me vote at the moment just in case things change again. But, at this point, I think everyone has agreed on Aundra. Poor girl didn't realize Toph was just WAITING for her to say something like that to he could expose her iafkdjafnd. I'm glad my name has not been brought up. Better Aundra, Amanda, and Francie over me.

I'm screaming. This vote has gone from francie, to amanda, and now to aundra. I AM LIVING FOR THESE FLIPS

WE WON THE CHALLENGE! I'm so happy for our tribe. If it wasn't for Will and Abbey we would have never gotten this far. Though Jay did say that there is something special after tomorrow's tribal. I'm scared it might be a tribe swap. I just situated myself in an alliance with Amanda, Will, Mo, and Bryce. Ruthie is also a side ally. I'm using her to know her idol searches and so she keeps me posted about the other side. Ashley and me don't really get along. Not like we hate each other, but we haven't really connected that well. The outsiders of the tribe I feel are Ricky and Ashley. I don't know anyone who frequently talks to them. However, last night's tribal proves that Ruthie is cracked and Ashley is strategic. I don't know if they are working together. It doesn't seem like it based on my conversations with Ruthie, but you never know. It is likely. I'm just happy I can take a break for once.

I might be going home lol

Have I mentioned that I hate Guess Who? Because I really hate it. .5 seconds after the challenge, Toph bursts on our alliance with Emily saying AUNDRA WANTS AMANDA OUT BC SHE'S PLAYING TO HARD TOO FAST and I'm like ???? <insert the math meme here> Like I've only been doing the challenges and trying to avoid tribal? How is that playing to hard too fast??? So I spring into panic mode and talk to everyone and theyre all saying they don't wanna vote me out but like how do I know? So I get Nayeli to form an alliance with me and Michael and she wants Gwen and he wants Ali so now I have a 5 person alliance with them, as well as a four person alliance with Toph, Emily, and Ray. I'm in an alliance with everyone except for Francie and Aundra, which honestly is fine, bc Aundra can go now and Francie can go next, since I'm sure she's been idol searching. Ugh I hate this. I'm currently trying to get everyone to vote early so I don't have to spend all day tomorrow panicking. If I get voted out over Guess Who, BECAUSE OF FREAKING JT THOMAS, I'm gonna jump of a cliff. A relatively small cliff, but that's not the point.

My grub is voting Amanda L off which is what I wanted and I couldn't be happier but if someone flips I'll know who it is

I still love Will with all my heart and he's my number 1.

I'm hungry and am craving chicken tenders

It's 6am and I'm still just as paranoid as I was last night. My name has never been thrown around this early and I hate it. I didn't think I could do worse than my Malaysia placement, but I just might here. In my own series. That bothers me a little, but what bothers me more is that I might not get to play with Abbey and that's really the main reason I wanted to play in this game. I dont know I guess I'm just worried because I am a seasoned player. Everyone else on my tribe has never played a Survivor game, or ORG in general, before this one (besides Ray, but nobody seems to care about that). I feel like being the only veteran player on this tribe can be a disadvantage because if enough of the newbies feel threatened, they can just team up and take me out. I feel confident that Emily and Toph won't vote against me. I feel like I can trust Ray. I'm hoping I can trust Michael (since he was one of the people that told me Aundra was coming after me), Nayeli, Ali and Gwen. I'm really sketch about Francie. She's been searching for the idol early in the mornings and I'm fairly confident she has a clue. Which I don't care about her searching, but if she has it and played it on Aundra, I'm screwed. IF all these people are telling me the truth and IF I can trust them.... it might not hurt to throw my vote at Francie, in case there were an idol play. All 8 votes for Aundra would cancel out, and it wouldbe a 1-1 tie between me and Francie. But do I want to raise suspicion? Do I actually trust that everyone is telling me the truth and my misvote wont send me home? I dont know. I really hope everyone votes early and we have an early tribal because I dont know if I can last another 14 hours with my anxiety this high.

Amanda is so paranoid like girl Calm tf down you're good, watch this girl be paranoid and watch me get voted off 1-0 by aundra using an idol I'm so not here for it

Okay I feel a little bit better after going over numbers in my head. I know I have Emily and Toph. And Ali and I are really close. I think I talk to him more than anyone else, honestly. I expressed my concern to him about people lying to me, and he said everyone has told him they are voting Aundra, not just the people in our alliance. He said Ray and Francie both said they are voting for Aundra. While I'm still sketchy about Francie, I am confident Ray is on my side. That's 5 anyway. The worst that could happen if people are lying to me (besides and idol play) is that it ties. And at that point, I need to beg for my life that my side doesn't flip. 8 hours and counting until tribal. Ugh.

I have submitted my vote! Aundra was targeting an ally of mine, Amanda, and that's not something I'm down with. But I have to acknowledge that everyone likes Amanda and everyone was willing to vote Aundra out the second they heard Amanda was in danger. She has a killer social game and while I think that I could be at the top of her allies list, I still need to watch out. She seems trustworthy, loyal, and overall a good ally, but she is still a huge target and it would be foolish of me not to recognize it.

I feel really solid about this alliance I just hope these people are loyal you don't know anything in this game to be honest

I FOUND THE IDOL!!!! I am ecstatic about this. Rafael helped me extremely by telling me where he has already looked and we exchanged the places we looked at and thanks to him, I found it! I owe him big, but I know that I can't tell anyone about my newfound discovery. He can easily throw me under the bus if he's in danger and I can't have that happen. I love the kid, but you can't trust anyone except yourself in Survivor.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163465065478/tribal-council-2-salao

LAST WORDS: Well... I was the second person out which is not how wanted this experience to go but I'm not bitter and the fact that they thought I was a threat means I did something right. Truthfully I was to excited to play the game and that's what put a target on my back. Hopefully Toph or Gwen wins cause I liked them Michael is a rat a hope the door bite him and Amanda where it hurts

Aundra becomes the second boot of the season.

#imthegreatergood #episodes

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