#i also wanted to add it because i wanted to bully Samuel a bit more by adding a queer crisis on top of it
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@theimpalpable | the GBEP
If Samuel could will a hole into existence every time he so desperately needs one to just swallow him whole and drag him to the centre of the Earth, a coffin designed perfectly for the kind of messes he's been creating all around this already doomed planet, he'd have turned said doomed planet into the oddest piece of Swiss Cheese ever come into existence.
Which is either a very funny thought or he's bordering on succumbing to the hysterics curling his lips into that odd smile he can't shake off his lips, no matter how inappropriate it feels to wear.
His hands are pressed into his face, eyes freed still and staring at nothing at all, his fingers buried into the beginnings of his hair, messing what is already pretty messy on its own.
This is a nightmare. He hardly has the mental capacity necessary to recognize the possible and very likely implications and ramifications of the creatures he set out into the world, the slow march of decay swaggering about along the bottom of the ocean; being sat directly next to the direct consequences of his actions isn't any easier to stomach as a result, in fact, he's pretty certain that his desiring this to be a dream is teetering dangerously close to him starting to convince himself it is a dream.
Which, of course, would be violently useful.
A psychotic break in the middle of a bar next to a guy who's life he's ruining.
He groans, hands moving to slide over his face, rub into his eyes until he sees stars and begs them to come down upon him like vengeful angels and strike him off the face of the planet. Maybe that would do it. Maybe his death would kill everything he's created along with him, kind of like... killing the sire of a vampire...
"The Sazerac, please," Samuel manages to interject pathetically, which he assumes is not the tone of voice bartenders prefer out of their clients in terms of who they decide to serve and who they'd rather see out of their establishment in the next few 'immediately please'. Samuel has never been refused service before, never thrown enough back to give any barkeep reason to, never crumbled in public in a way obvious enough that it leaves any impression.
But, then again, he's also never half-assed a plot outline and have it lead to meeting the guy said plot outline had forced into itself, perhaps in a weird attempt on the universe's part to fix what he can't, to finally be the author he should be.
Oh, great, an existential crisis on top of the 'supernatural' crisis.
Samuel looks up when the barkeep returns with a glass and doesn't even have the energy to pretend he's surprised when it turns out to be water. He sighs, curses his existence with the exhausted resignation of someone who's given up on trusting in self-curses, and grabs the glass.
He manages a wry smile, charming and handsome, that the stranger is, which is perhaps part of the reason he'd fit so fucking well into the kind of story Samuel had attempted to emulate. Clichés upon clichés, all he'd managed to scratch together, who doesn't love a good explorer story and a Nathan Drake to charm anyone who'd swoon at the easy smile and easy wit?
If anything, Samuel is slowly becoming self-deprecatingly surprised he hadn't realized the moment the stranger had turned his head his way, that this is who he'd been looking for.
He'd tried to find something new to add, something fresh to add to the genre, something to stand out with, and that's precisely while it's now half-deceased and half-abandoned somewhere in a pile of notes with stories just like it.
He hadn't come up with anything that would have made it worth reading above others just like it.
"No, I... I don't think you'll die," Samuel finds himself uttering back, an open-mouthed drag of his mouth to one side to put emphasis on the word 'die', all while he unconsciously peeks over the stranger's arm to watch his sketch unfold. Oh. He can draw, too, he muses, subconsciously adjusting the glasses he sees reflected on the paper.
Charming, handsome, creative, extroverted, makes easy conversations and commands a scenario without ever making Samuel feel like he's backed into a corner by a personality much louder than his own. A guy, friendly, but not overly so.
Samuel has no idea if the plot chose him because who wouldn't fancy a heartthrob protagonist like that - which is honestly just embarrassing to admit - or because if Samuel could pay money to have any of those qualities...
The usual. Is he hot or do I just really, really wish I were him?
Samuel takes a big sip of his water.
He's loosing his goddamn mind.
He's hoping he won't die. He had briefly considered... perhaps a good way to stand out would be to... just...
He slams his hand onto the stranger's arm, eyes blown wide in a frantic panic to fix something he can't fix and prevent something not even happening yet.
"Can I have your number?"
He gives himself a few seconds of sirens blaring in his ears before he connects the dots of how he sounds and recoils, only to lurch forward again, an odd dissonance of pulling away, but not appearing... what? Exactly? Damn the bartender for refusing him that drink.
"Not- not like that, wait- uhm, I'm Samuel, hi, nice to meet you, do you think we could...? As in, I would like to help. I think I might be able to- I think you might need my help- this will sound ridiculous, do--?"
He closes his eyes, counts to ten, hates himself a little more, opens them again with an exhale.
"I think I'm partly or mostly to blame for your situation but the reason why I believe that will make me sound insane. But I... need you to believe me and I think... listen, can we talk somewhere else? Maybe...? Or... some other time? Or...?"
#theimpalpable#the samuel;author#HOLY FUCK ALEX THIS IS SUPER SILLY BUT--- I NEED TO MENTION IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND THIS#I DID IT-- I FINALLY MANAGED TO RECOVER ENOUGH MUSE FOR SAMUEL TO FEEL LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH HIM#SO I'M?? SORRY IF HE DOESN'T SOUND A LOT LIKE PREVIOUS REPLIES?#I THINK I'M... LETTING LOOSE ENOUGH TO UNCOVER A BETTER CHARACTERIZATION SO YES--#DKSLGJDFLKGFDKLJFG JUST-- can't wait to see Félix flaunting his new face >:333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333#NOT TO SPOIL THE DASH BUT!!!!!!!1 THAT'S MY GUY RIGHT THERE I LOVE HIM SO#SO YES HI FDKLHGJLKFDGL STILL IN LOVE WITH THIS PLOT AND-- I HOPE THIS REPLY IS OKAY?#i tried to just dip into an authentic thought process for Samuel that's why his head is all over the place#also had to sneak in Félix being yes charming in fact VERY MUCH SO#i'm just such a huge fan of him I HOPE IT'S ALL RIGHT THOUGH? IF SAMUEL THINKS HE'S A LIL HOT?#he's not INTO him like that necessarily but he's attracted to Men and NOT BLIND i just felt it more realistic if he acknowledged that--#JUST BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS A LIL WORRIED BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE IMMEDIATELY TRYING TO START SOMETHING?#BECAUSE I KNOW Félix is straight i'm most DEFINITELY not starting anything#SO DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D RATHER DELETE IT?#i also wanted to add it because i wanted to bully Samuel a bit more by adding a queer crisis on top of it#the good ol' 'am i attracted to them or do i want to BE them' Timeless Classic#SO YES LET ME KNOW I CAN SCRAP IT SOOOO FAST ♥♥♥ LOVE YOU LOADSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also the 'a) i see you again and b) i don't die in the process' is making me chew on pillows i just love that line so much i love Félix so#;queue
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Lookism Random Headcannons (Because why not?)
Read the recent chapter recently and I am excited about the King of Soul's entrance (if ever)
Daniel watches anime since he thinks it's more entertaining than dramas. At some point he also wanted to become a manga artist but quickly gave up on it. His favorite is probably the classics (Naruto, One Piece, One Punch Man, DBZ, and he also likes the recent ones.)
Zack and Johan used to watch WWE matches together while Mira scolds them that they scream too loud when they're watching Royal Rumble lmao.
Undertaker was Johan's favorite WWE wrestler but thinking about it makes Johan embarrassed since he doesn't want to be seen as an edge lord or "emo or a goth" lol. Zack Lee's favorites are probably Edge, Brock Lesnar, and Randy Orton (idk I watch a little bit of WWE in my free time don't blame me).
Since Jay lived mostly alone in his apartment for who knows how long, he was thought by his butler to cook his own food since he doesn't really want to depend on them fully and make them exhausted. (Plus he's mostly bored, so why not cook and bake?) He almost burned his apartment once trying to fry an egg at first.
Hudson might not admit it but he also binges anime like Daniel. He believes that Makima sucks and the ones who defends her are simps (I mean she's a well written antagonist but her personality is a no).
Goo Kim = Cat Girl/ Cat Boy enthusiast (likes wearing low-budgeted cosplays A LOT for his own entertainment).
Goo Kim had stolen Gun's credit cards for his own shopping spree. Not once, not twice, but MANY TIMES.
Samuel might not admit it but he actually likes Jake and Big Deal. He just keeps denying it because of his ego issues.
Jerry had once owned a winter dwarf pet hamster. He properly took care for it for like 2 years and named her Bisky. But since hamsters have short lifespans, it died later on and he cried and didn't sleep well the following days since he missed her deeply. The shrine of it is still staying still on his backyard and he mostly replaces the flowers everyday or i he's not busy to pay tribute to her.
Daniel wanted to learn how to play the guitar or a ukulele but since his mom was struggling with their budget he cannot ask her to buy him one.
Jay can play drums (and teaches Daniel when having sleep overs!)
Mary can play bass and a little bit of guitar. And she secretly listens to rock, metal, and the alternative style of music since she doesn't want to be teased as emo by Vin the asshole lmao.
Avril Lavigne is the reason why Mary dyed her hair blonde you can't change my mind (not forcing you but listen to her music IT'S SO GOOD). She would like to have a friend (if not a girl friend not a girlfriend) who shares the same music taste with her to start a band.
Zack and Vin Jin used to bully kids on Roblox to boost their ego (Zack stopped because of his character development but probably Vin still does it lol).
Younger Kouji had once ate lots of candies and sweets to be "smart like L" from Death Note but almost got diabetes.
Gun and DG wears lip balms to keep their lips plump and smooth. DG had once teased Gun about being a model while Gun just smirks about it.
Mira SECRETLY LIKES Ayesha Erotica's music because of the edits on TikTok but since it's mostly explicit she's refraining to add her compositions on her Spotify playlists.
Since Vasco is mostly hardworking, there are times that he passes the exams (with the help of Jace and other Burn Knuckle members). But he just cannot push himself more to pass the Mathematics exams.
Eli had once tried to kiss Warren after their fight because of his innocence and curiosity before all the Hostel Drama. (I personally don't ship them but I just feel like it's something past Eli would do). They both cringe when they both remember it.
Doo Lee was once a Twitter influencer but because of his past dramas he was cancelled in social media.
Jibeom accidentally smashed Jihan's face when they were little when they are trying to imitate WWE stunts. Jichang was surprised to see his little brother's teeth getting cracked and falling off and he just didn't cried (it was Jibeom who shed tears because of guilt lol).
Crystal is a big fan of "vintage-core" or everything around the older eras because she believes that it doesn't only represents the beauty and evolution of human pop-culture but it also represents history. She always won on auctions to buy antique stuff and mostly donate it on museums to preserve it's structure while she kept some on her room. She almost got canceled by bidding on an authentic Marilyn Monroe's lipstick but she later on posted on Twitter that she donated it on a museum (which is not a fake news).
Gun doesn't eat too much fast-food products because he believes it's unhealthy and has chemicals to make the customers' crave for more (Goo teases him about this by dramatically eating an order of a large McDonald's French Fries in front of his annoyed face).
Ryuhei never kissed a woman in his life because of his nervousness. He secretly was weirded out by it so he lies that he had slept with many women to not be bullied by other people.
Vasco doesn't know how to properly wear a watch and a belt (ngl same I'm that stupid). He also doesn't know how to tie his shoe lace.
Jace prefers dark-chocolate rather than milk or white chocolate. Because he believes that since it has more cocoa content it can boost more of his energy and sharpen his mind and focus especially when taking his exams and quizzes.
Sally's favorite color was purple as she planned to dye her hair with her color of choice with a mix of indigo. But since she's afraid that it won't suit her, she changed her plans and went on to dye her hair with strawberry pink. She didn't expected it to look magnificent on her since Warren complimented her, so after that her favorite color was switched to baby or strawberry pink.
Mitsuki thinks that K-Pop music is cringe but she secretly has BTS, Twice, and Blackpink on her Spotify playlists. Ryuhei found out about this and she was pissed off up until this day lol.
Doo Lee once had a girlfriend who uses him for the money. She later on cheated with a new "handsome and charming" guy and when Doo found out he was FURIOUS. He later on was captured on camera beating the dude and when people found out he was canceled again on social media (pretty privileges never ends). He later on begged Daniel and Duke to make an apology video for him which looks so weird and scripted since Doo was pushing them. But luckily the drama heated down.
Magami Kenta's favorite vape flavors are watermelon, strawberry, and coffee.
Joy is very talented and skilled with nail art and she sells her products in a decent price even if it's REALLY DETAILED and well-crafted.
Sinu Han is a COMIC BOY FAN. Whether it's DC Comics, Marvel Comics, or even manga he's going to buy it. He later on posted on Twitter about how Gojo shouldn't have died since he relates to him so much (he was later on bullied by Samuel that he sounds like a weeb lmao).
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Lose the model but win a hero
Here’s another update... Were getting somewhere now I promise!
Chapter 3: Jonathan Kent
Previous First
Mari had only been here for a week and she was already drowned in ideas for new outfits, she knew Chloe being her friend and Adrien also being rich would buy her every piece of fabric, every pearl and anything else to make them, it was how they were... She loved them so very much and couldn’t wait to tell them how her summer was in the end, she looked around while enjoying this time here for the summer... It was obvious she wouldn’t be able to come back for the next summer.
Right now, she was working on her list of things to do... Getting gifts for her friends, she had so much more to do but this was something she wanted to take care of right off the bat, she took pictures here and there of buildings and even at times of statues around the place “I need to get a new sketchbook” she said to herself knowing she no longer had any space to sketch anything out now... Hence why she was taking pictures, so to keep in memory her ideas until she could draw them out.
At one point, she notices a fabric store... And her loving to go buying some goes inside to take a look around, the cashier smiles towards her wondering if she was going to buy something... And she does, Mari loved some of the fabrics and ends up getting a roll of each and takes note of the name and the store so if she wants more, she can see if she can order it online, making her smile as she walks out with her purchase as she thinks up so many outfits and dresses for herself and her friends to wear when they go back to school together... She would enjoy taking pictures of them together and talking about Lila and her stupid lies going around the school.
It was all of a sudden, but she bumped into someone... Well... More like someone ran into her without even looking where he was going, she fell down and to her luck the fabric wasn’t damaged or stained, so she slowly stood up as the boy-yes a boy bumped into her, began to panic and worried she was hurt “I’m really sorry about that! I was just running from a friend I pranked!” he explained quickly as she smiled at him “It’s fine, it was just an accident. Even I bump into people because i’m not looking” she explained and the boy looked to have calmed down thanks to her words making him smile.
He presented himself as Jonathan Samuel Kent, to her surprise he was the son of Clark Kent and his wife Lois making her smile and present herself at that moment as he then invited her to walk around Metropolis to say sorry... While also hiding from his friend, of course as they walk around and talk about anything and everything... It wouldn’t be a full tour without visiting the Daily Planet? So yeah, he takes her there and she watches his parents working together for a moment before they leave... While not knowing Clark heard them and told Lois making her need to talk to there son when they get back home later on that day “This was amazing! I never thought Metropolis would be so amazing!” she claimed making Jon smile to her words as he then looks at the time on his phone.
“Shit! I gotta go join my friends!” he said making her giggle at him as she then gives him her number so he can text her or even call her “I’m here for the whole summer so it’s fine” she said making Jon smile at her and then headed off to join his friends while she headed back to her hotel to relax from her day of walking and everything else happening to her... While thinking back to everything that could happen at school when summer was over “Lila will make them think I never left Paris... Unless I post stuff” she said as she then looked at the pictures Jon took of her with her phone... And began posting them little by little.
The first to comment and like was Chloe and Adrien... Sabrina did so later since she was relaxing for a moment when she began posting, Kagami and Luka were next to comment and like making Mari smile, then Jagged, Clara, her Nona and her parents began to like at their own pace making her smile at what they wrote to her... But the class never looked making her know they didn’t follow her page anymore so they would believe Lila instead, she sighed and decided to now focus on her website MDC Designs and post about how she was taking a summer break on commissions but would be returning after so no one was able to make a request.
Of course does who have her number could text her for a commission... She really didn’t mind since only her friends had that number and no one else did so that was a good thing for her... Then there was her classmates who still expected her to make them free things without caring how long it takes her or even how she can’t do it at times... Making them whine to miss Bustier to make her do it... And she would always refuse and repeat her reasons... Making the class ignore her for a while until they ask her again... Or get mad at her for not making them what they asked for and the results of it (because they asked for it on last minute)
At that moment, Jagged texted her so she knew he understood and would have her enjoy her summer, Clara did the same of course so with that she smiled... But then she was notified of a complaint, confused she looked at it and found Alya making the complaint... Claiming she should be taking there commissions no matter what... And her doing this will make her lose profits... But Mari didn’t care and simply posted the complaint on her site and told everyone that for the WHOLE summer she wasn’t taking commissions... Those who bought from her destroyed Alya’s complaint and suggested the girl be blocked.
Mari did nothing and simply left it to them, she knew that at one point someone might report Alya and end up having her blocked from her site themselves but for now she would watch this happen as she also brings up the fact that during Jagged Stone’s concert in Paris with Clara Nightingale she would be revealing herself once and for all so everyone knows who she really is (she never even said her gender making Lila claim that MDC is actually a guy she knows) she knew the moment she would reveal herself... Lila will fall to her lies and will be hated because Adrien asked her to say nothing so to let Lila lie until she reveals herself.
She was sketching in one of the five new sketchbooks she got herself when she got a text from Jon, he wanted to know if she was doing something tonight making her think about it for a moment and then smiled as she denied having any plans making Jon explain his parents want to meet her... She really didn’t mind since Jon is a good friend now and would soon need to tell her friends about him, she ended up agreeing to the invitation with a smile making Jon ask if he can visit her later and then pick her up to bring her to his place making her accept the whole plan as he explains he should be coming over to her hotel in a little bit making her smile.
Meanwhile, with Jon...
Jonathan was excited! Marinette was going to eat diner with them and he just couldn’t wait to see her again, sure his parents worry he might reveal himself as Superboy to her but he promised to be careful and he was as he headed to the hotel she was staying at for the whole summer... Making him wonder how she was even able to afford that long of a stay, he walked inside and found no one at the desk to tell him which room she was in... Making him need to ask her for it, it wasn’t long before she came down to get him as they talked while getting to her room “How can you even afford to stay here for the summer?” he asked making her giggle “A friend of mine is paying for it, she’s the mayor’s daughter so money isn’t a problem” she explained making him nod in understanding.
They got into her room and he was surprised at how clean it looked... Like she wasn’t even staying and was just about to leave, but from seeing her laptop out with a sketchbook open... She wasn’t really leaving in the end, she smiled to him and explained she would see in the dining room if there was anything to eat left for them to snack on “If not i’ll go out for a bit to get us something” she said making him nod as she took her purse and left with a smile making Jon begin looking around the room... And then got his eyes landed on her laptop.
He got curious and took a look, it showed a website she was working on to add outfits... Making him understand this was her website she had spoken about to him he looked it over until he noticed people getting mad at a girl named Alya, for some reason the girl was angry due to Mari wanting a break for the summer from commissions he could tell Alya was insane to claim such a thing making him feel anger growing within him for a moment before he looked away and focused on her sketchbook making him smile at her designs... And then laughed at the ones for the Justice League members with little notes saying she would get them to change looks.
“I’m back! I found some good muffins for us to enjoy” she said as she came inside to find Jon turning the pages of her sketchbook, she could have tried to take it back or tell him to not look further... But he looked to enjoy checking it making her simply set the muffins down and watch him for a moment in silence “I see your looking through my stuff” she said making him then jump in surprise to her voice now being heard by him making her giggle at his reaction “Sorry! I got curious” he explained making her nod in understanding as she then took it back and put it next to her laptop “I saw what that Alya wrote” he said making her turn to him in surprise “She... She’s bullied me with my other classmates because a girl lies about me” she explained making him nod “I did nothing wrong, I was always helping them... But Lila told them things I did to her and they just forgot everything I did for them... I only have Chloe, Sabrina, Adrien, Kagami, Luka and my parents who believe me” she explained as she looked down in pain.
If he could, Jon would have gone to Paris as Superboy and given the class a piece of his mind for what they did to Marinette... She was just a ray of sunshine and for them to treat her like that made no sense “How about we forget about it and focus on what will be happening” he suggested making her smile and nod to him as they there muffin and chatted a bit together before it was time for them to head to meet the Kent’s making Mari smile as they walked inside to meet Lois and Clark who were more than happy to meet her, the meal was amazing and Mari just enjoyed every second of it as slowly it came time for her to head home it with her refusing Jon walking her back.
Once she left he told his parents everything that was happening in Paris “I’ll need to speak to the others during our next meeting... Which is tomorrow” Clark said making Jon nod as they cleaned up while Jon worried about Mari and her situation “Why would the Mayor of Paris not ask us for help?” Clark asked making Jon look at his dad with worry “Why didn’t anyone try to stop the bullying situation at Mari’s school?” he asked back making his father sigh with even more worry as Lois began to work on a few scoops that would put Paris to shame once she got more info from Marinette.
It won’t be long before people in Paris are punished for their actions.
Back in Paris with Kagami and Luka...
With Kagami practicing her fencing, Luka was playing a few notes on his guitar. Jagged had allowed him to take a break and enjoy his summer... Making the boy begin packing to head for Hawaii making Kagami help him... While ignoring Juleka asking her brother to join her classmates for something they were doing with Lila... Each time he refused and claimed something about the Italian, his sister would look sad and walked away without another word, he didn’t like that but until she realized what the girl was doing... He wouldn’t hang out with his sister or her class.
Kagami still had to wait before joining them, but from her friends texted them... It would be fun when she arrives making her smile at the pictures Adrien sent her each time “Your sister needs to open her eyes to the lies Rossi speaks” she said making Luka stop playing for a moment to sigh and then get back to playing “She thinks I have something against Lila because Mari and I talk... She tried having Mom force me to hang out with them... I actually wanted to call the police for sexual assault with the number of times Lila humped me” he explained making Kagami growl in anger.
“I will stab her one day” she said making Luka not say a word as he then looked over to find Juleka walking over to him and Kagami with Lila and Alya “Hey, the girls and I came over to get something of mine before going to a picnic and wanted to know if you would join us?” she asked making Luka sigh and point to his bags “I’m going to Hawaii later” he stated making Lila spew a lie about going there and asking if she could join him as he then noticed his ride and simply took his things to the car while ignoring Lila’s words as he was driven to the airport.
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this was written several weeks ago in response to asks i was receiving i am posting it now it is very long the longest i have ever made and it is not very well edited but here it is in this final essay i talk about how shitty rae is about black people in her writing as well as just me talking about how her writing sucks in general lets begin
hello everyone
as you may know i have received a lot of anons in the last week or so about issues of racism in the beetlejuice community both just generally speaking and also within specific spaces
i was very frustrated to not be getting the answers i wanted because i typically do not talk about what i do not see but in an effort to be better about discourse i went looking through discourse from before my time in the fandom and i also received some receipts and information from my followers and from some friends
keep in mind that the voices and thoughts of bipoc are not only incredibly important at all times but in this circumstance it is important that if a bipoc has something to add you listen and learn and be better
i admit that when this happened i wasnt aware of the extent of what occurred and im angry at myself for not doing more at that time and i want to work harder to make sure something like this doesnt go unnoticed again
im a hesitant to talk about months old discourse because i have been criticized for bringing up quote old new unquote but this is very important and i am willing to face whatever comes from to me
lets talk about this
content from our local racist idiot that may be months old but its important
putting my thoughts under a cut to spare the dash but before i begin obviously this is awful
lets fucking unpack this folks
right out the gate op states that she supports artistic freedom but then within a couple words she goes against that statement
being entirely canon compliant isnt artistic freedom and even so if this person has so much respect for canon they wouldnt be out here erasing lydias obvious disgust for beetlejuice in the movie or ignoring lydias age for the sake of shipping that shit isnt canon either
also we love the quick jab at the musical there hilarious we love it dont we because god forbid a licensed and successful branch on a media have any standing in this conversation but whatever
now lets scroll down and talk about the term racebending
the term racebending was coined around 2009 in response to the avatar the last airbender movie a film in which the east asian races of the characters were erased by casting white actors in the three leading roles of aang sokka and katara
whenever the term racebending is used in a negative light it is almost always a case of whitewashing like casting scarlett johansen in ghost in the shell or the casting of white actors of the prince of persia sands of time instead of iranian ones
this kind of racebending erases minorities from beeing seen in media and is wrong
all that being said however racebending has also been noted to have very positive after effects like the 1997 adaptation of cinderella or casting samuel jackson as nick fury in the marvel movies nick fury was originally a white guy can you even imagine
i read this piece from an academic that said quote writers can change the race and cultural specificity of central characters or pull a secondary character of color from the margins transforming them into the central protagonist unquote
racebending like the kind that rae is so heated about is the kind of creative freedom that leads to more representation of bipoc in media which will never be a bad thing ever no matter how pissy you get about it
designing a version of a character as a poc isnt serving to make them necessarily better it serves to give new perspective and perhaps the opportunity to connect even more deeply with a character it doesnt marginalize or erase white people it can uplift poc and if you think uplifting poc is wrong because it tears down white people or whatever youre a fucking moron and you need to get out of your podunk white folk town and see the real world
the numbers of times a bipoc particularly a bipoc that is also lgbt+ has been represented in media are dwarfed by what i as a white dude have seen myself represented in media is and that isnt okay that isnt equality and its something that should change not only in mainstream media but in fandom spaces as well
lets move down a bit further to the part about bullying straight people which is hilarious and lets also talk about the term fetishistic as well lets start with that
this person literally writes explicit pornography of a minor and an adult are we really going to let someone like that dictate what is and what isnt fetishistic
similarly to doing a positive racebend situation people may project lgbt+ headcanons on a character because its part of who they are and it helps them feel closer to the character and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that
depicting lgbt+ subject matter on existing characters isnt an inherently fetishistic action generally things only really become fetishistic when the media is being crafted and hyped by people who are outside of lgbt+ community for example how young teens used to flip a tit about yaoi or how chasers fetishize trans people
but drawing a character with top surgery scars or headcanoning them as trans is harmless and its just another way to interpret a character literally anone could be trans unless if their character bio says theyre cis and most of them dont go that deep so it really is open to interpretation and on the whole most creators encourage this sort of exploration because it is a good thing to get healthy representation out in the world
as for it being used to bully straights thats just funny i dont have anything else on that like if youre straight and you feel threatened and bullied because of someone headcanoning someone as anything that isnt cishet youre a fucking idiot and a weak baby idiot at that like the real world must fucking suck for you because lgbt+ people are everywhere and statistically a big chunk of your favorite characters arent cishet sorry be mad about it
lets roll down a bit further about the big meat of the issue which was when several artists were drawing interpretations of lydia as a black girl which i loved but clearly this person didnt love it because they have a very narrow and very racist and problematic view of what it means to be a black person
and before i move forward i must reiderate that i am a white person and you should listen to the thoughts of poc people like @fright-of-their-lives or @gender-chaotic it is not my place to explain what the black experience is like and it certainly isnt this persons either
implying that the story of a black person isnt worth telling unless if the character faces struggles like racism and prejudice is downright moronic
why use the word kissable to describe a black persons lips now thats what i call fetishistic and its to another extreme if youre talking about a black version of lydia on top of that
the author of this post says herself that shes white so clearly shes the person whos an authority on the black experience and what it means to be a black person right am i reading that right or am i having a fucking conniption
how about allowing black characters to exist without having to struggle why cant a black version of lydia just be a goth teenager with a ghost problem who likes photography and is also black like she doesnt have to move to a hick town and get abused by racist folks she doesnt have to go through any more shit than she already goes through and if you honestly think thats the only way to tell a black persons story you need to get your brain cleaned
you know nothing about the complexities about being a black person and i dont either but you know wh odo black people who are doing black versions of canon characters they fucking know
lets squiggle down just a bit further
so the writer has issues with giving characters traits like a broad nose or larger lips if theyre a woman but if theyre a man suddenly its totally okay to go all ryan murphy ahs coven papa legba appropriation when approaching character design like are you fucking stupid do you hear yourself is that really how you see black men like what the fuck is wrong with you
none of the shit youre spewing takes bravery it takes ignorance and supreme levels of stupidity
do you really think you with your fic where a black lgbt+ woman is tortured and abused where you use the n word with a hard r to refer to her like that shits not okay its fucking depraved and yeah we know you love being shitty but like christ on a bike thats so much
can we also talk about this
what the fuck is this fetishistic bull roar garbage calling this black character beyonce dressing her up in quote fuck me heels unquote are you are you seriously gonna write this and say its a shining example of how to write a black character youre basically saying ope here she is shes a sex icon haha im so progressive and i clealry understand the black experience hahahaha fuck you oh my god
on top of that theres a point where this character is only referred to as curly hair or the fact that the n word is used in the fic with the hard r like thats hands down not okay for you to use especially not in a manner like this jesus christ
oop heres a little more a sampling for you of the hell i am enduring in reading this drivel
oh boy lets put a leash on the angry black woman character lets put her in a leash and have the man imply hes a master like are you kidding me are you for real and what the fuck is with calling her shit like j lo and beyonce do you actually think thats clever at all are you just thinking of any poc that comes into your head for this
also lydia fucking tells this girl that she shouldnt have lost her temper like she got fucking leashed im so tired why is this writing so problematic and also so bad
hold up before i lose my head lets look at some of her own comments on the matter of this character and what happens to her
hi hello youre just casually tossing the word lynch out there in the wide open world as if thats not a problem that is still real like are you fucking unhinged there have been multiple cases of this exact thing happening in our firepit of a country in the last five months alone like how can you still have shit like this up for people to read how can you be proud of work like this in this climate
and also what the fuck is that last bit
what the actual fuck
i dont speak for black people as a white person but you do!? im sorry i had to get my punctuation out for that because wow thats fucking asinine just because one black person read your fic and didnt find the torture and abuse of your one black character abhorrant doesnt mean that the vast majority of people not only in the fandom but in the human population with decency are going to think its okay because its not
i started this post hoping to be level headed and professional but jesus fucking christ this woman is something else white nationalism is alive and well folks and its name is rae
if you defend this woman you defend some truly abhorrant raecism
editors notes
in order to get some perspective on these issues more fully some of the writing by the author was examined and on the whole it was pretty unreadable but i want to just call back to the very beginning of this essay where the person in question talked about holding canon in high regard but then in their writing they just go around giving people magic and shit and ignoring the end of the movie entirely like are you canon compliant or nah
the writing doesnt even read like beetlejuice fanfic it reads as self indulgent fiction you could easily change the names and its just a bad fanfic from 2007
also can we talk about writing the lesbian character as an angry man hater like its 2020 dude and als olets touch on that girl on girl pandering while beetlejuice is just there like here we go fetishizing again wee
i cant find a way to work this into this already massive post but
im going to throw up
okay so thats a lot we have covered a lot today and im sure my ask box will regret it but this definitely should have been more picked apart when it happened
please feel free to add more to this i would love more perspectives than just my own.
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Dad Van Fleet (Headcanons)
Get ready to cry. I wrote these while listening to “Dear Theodosia” from Hamilton on repeat, so it’s maximum feels in this one. Thank you to my love @sparrowof-thedawn for beta-ing this <3
Jake
Appears stern but is actually putty in your daughter’s hands
Beyond protective of her, from the very beginning
But like. In a quiet, i’ll-kill-you-and-no-one-would-ever-know kinda way
Your daughter gets fussy at night, so Jake often takes her for car rides to get her to fall asleep
And then, when he lays her down in her crib, Jake stays with her and sings softly to make sure she stays fast asleep, softly rubbing her tummy
He helped your daughter take her first steps, holding her arms to keep her upright as your sat on the living room floor with a camera
He watches that video when he’s feeling down
Remember when I said he’d tell your baby goodnight every night no matter what? That didn’t change after she was born, nor did it change as she grew up
Whether it’s on the phone or in-person, your daughter will always hear “goodnight, angel. You’re so loved.”
Which probably explains how you ended up with a daddy’s girl
Jake and your daughter butt heads sometimes because they’re so similar in personality, but at the end of the day, she listens to him more than anyone
They got into an argument over something trivial but your daughter, in the throes of teenage hormones/emotions, yelled that she hated him
Jake was incredibly upset, and moped around the house until your daughter sat down next to him on the back porch steps
“Dad? I’m sorry I said I hated you. I didn’t mean it.”
Jake gave her a tight hug, and you were proud of both of them for making up on their own
“It’s okay, sweetie. I love you.”
“Even when you’re mad at me?”
“Yes. I love you always.”
He taught her how to play guitar as soon as she developed fine motor skills
Just imagine Jake sitting on the couch with your little one, quietly teaching her the different chords
“There you go, sweetie. You’re doing great! A natural.”
So it’s no surprise that she grows up incredibly involved with music, eventually learning to play several instruments and asking her Uncle Sammy to teach her piano
But she’s got natural charisma just like her daddy, so dating is an issue when she gets to that age
Jake just immediately dislikes every boy she talks about, grumbling to you when she announces that the popular boy at school asked her to junior prom
“I don’t like the look of him.” “You haven’t met him yet, babe.”
“Still though.”
You and Jake thought about having another kid, but one night changed all that
Your daughter was about two, and she was nestled between you and your husband on the couch, sleeping soundly
The TV was on low volume and you and Jake were talking quietly about the future
You each had a hand on the back of the couch, brushing knuckles, and your free hands rested on her, playing with her hair and rubbing her back
You shared a glance, and there was an immediate, unspoken truth
This is our little family. This is perfect. The best thing we ever did.
There was nothing to add. You had no more pieces of your heart left to give. Jake and your girl had stolen all of them, and you were happy to let them keep it.
Josh
When you got pregnant, you and Josh weren’t particularly adamant about finding out the sex of the baby
It didn’t really matter either way, you would decorate everything unisex anyway. Besides, surprises are fun!
So you made it a point to tell the doctor you didn’t want to know. However--
When the ultrasound technician raised his eyebrows in surprise, you freaked out for a second, your mind immediately jumping to the worst conclusion
“What’s wrong? Is the baby alright?” Josh gripped your hand, his face painted with worry
But the technician grinned and said, “The baby is fine, don’t worry. It’s just that there are two of them!”
“What?” You were in shock
“Congratulations, Mrs. Kiszka, it looks like you’re having twins!”
Josh wouldn’t stop yelling excitedly, as you very quickly realized that in a couple months, you were going to look like a balloon with legs
You decided right then that you probably didn’t need more surprises, so when the time came to be able to find out what you were having, you went in right away
God help you, it they were both boys
The sheer chaos of being outnumbered by three boys, one of whom is Josh Kiszka and the other two of whom are miniature Josh Kiszkas
Luckily, Josh was surprisingly good at co-parenting, being unafraid to discipline your sons and holding down the fort while you were at work
He managed to get both of the boys reading at an early age, always stressing to them the importance of education and understanding other cultures
His favorite part of the new daily routine is reading bedtime stories
Being who he is, Josh picks out fantastical tales to read the boys, and reads them aloud with all the voices and sound effects
He absolutely hated the twin stroller, though
Josh’s preferred method of getting around with your sons was a double papoose, one baby strapped to the front, and one on the back
He alternated which kid was on which side, so as not to offend them or make one feel left out. When he told you as much, you were very amused
When people in public would compliment the baby, Josh’s usual response was to say, “Thanks, I have two of them!” and spin around to reveal the other baby
When you went out as a unit, you put the twins in matching onesies
Josh acted like he hated it, but then you saw him come home from Target with several new sets of matching onesies
“What?” He asks, as you laugh. “They were on sale!”
When one of your sons gets pushed over by a bully at school, Josh comforts him until you get home
Wiping tears from his boy’s face, Josh whispers, “You’re safe now. I’m not going to let that happen again. Okay?”
Your son nods, and Josh hugs him tightly, cradling his head under his chin
The next day when he drops the boys off, Josh makes it a point to make eye contact with the bully and glares at him until he gets scared and runs away
Sam
You were worried Sam would freak out during the birth, which wouldn’t be good because the hospital didn’t need to deal with two panicked parents-to-be
But Samuel surprised you
When the time came to push, Sam was at your side with a calm voice and a firm grip on your hand, kissing your forehead even as you cried
Right before the baby came, you grabbed his arm, feeling that visceral fear that only comes with new parenthood
“Sam, I’m so scared.”
But he holds the back of your hand to his mouth, kissing it firmly
“I know. I am, too. But you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. You’re gonna be an amazing mother.”
And when your son was born, Sam cried
Because he was feeling every bit of love he’d ever missed, like a whole new sphere of heaven was opened up to him
And when he looked at you, tired and weepy, his heart felt like it might burst. Because how could one man feel so much love?
For the tiny human in his arms and the incredible woman in front of him
You and the baby immediately become Priority Number One in everything he does
Can often be found meeting Danny and his daughter at the coffee shop for some much-needed caffeine
Danny’s girl and yours and Sam’s boy are about the same age, so they have playdates
Sam also takes your son out into nature pretty much as soon as the kid can walk
Thankfully he was more willing to put shoes on the kid than on himself
You waited a few years to have another one, giving birth to a daughter when your son was about four
And Sam went through the emotions all over again, in disbelief of how much happiness he could feel
He set out right away to find things they could do together
He’d often whisk all of you away for weekends of going camping, giving your son piggyback rides up and down the trails
It was on one of these camping trips that your daughter said her first word
You were helping your son get dressed before a hike, and Sam was bouncing her on his knee by the remains of the previous night’s campfire
Your daughter saw the animal before Sam did
“Dee!”
Sam’s eyes widened as he gazed down at her, but she was looking out towards the edge of the woods, unaware of her dad being in shock at her declaration
“What did you say, baby?” “Dee!”
Sam followed her excited gaze, and saw the deer standing under a nearby tree
“Dee! Deeeeee!!”
“Oh my god. Deer. Oh my god, Oh my--YN! Come here!”
You ran over with your son, afraid something had happened
He and your daughter were both pointing at the deer with identical dopey grins
Before you could speak, your daughter realized you were there, and smiled up at you
“Dee!”
You and Sam both cried
Danny
When your daughter is born, Danny doesn’t set her down for a second
He just walks around with her, tiny in his arms, cooing and smiling at the baby
“She’s got my eyes, babe, don’t you think?”
And you can tell in that second that you’re gonna have to be the disciplinarian in the household
Bc that baby owns his heart
So it makes sense when you go back to work and Danny takes paternity leave for six weeks
He’s a natural nurturer, like he’s so good at taking care of the baby
But he’s also very protective
So like... Baby papoose.
Danny strolls up into the grocery store, the park, the zoo, wherever, with the baby strapped to his chest bc he doesn’t care how he looks as long as the baby is secure
You get regular snapchats at work of Danny and the baby being out and about
But you always come home to a clean house and Danny passed out on the couch, the baby fast asleep on his chest
And he still somehow finds time to spend with you, always reminding you what a phenomenal mom you are and how much he loves you
Nobody was shocked when you got pregnant again, like literally no one
You had two more children together before deciding that three kids were about all you could handle, especially with your two youngest being boys
Danny was good at disciplining them, though, so that helped a lot
You were a sports family, taking your children out to basketball and football games on the weekends whenever possible
But of course your kids loved music too, with one of your sons learning guitar and your daughter eventually asking for a drumkit for Christmas
Your other son is more of a scientist than his siblings, and Danny “Telekinesis” Wagner makes every effort to help with school projects and going to the science fair
Becomes That Dad when it comes to his daughter dating in high school
“Dad, there’s this guy--” “You can do better.”
When your daughter experiences her first heartbreak, Danny is there to comfort her (and to offer to beat up the guy)
He brings her ice cream and puts on her favorite movie, hugging her tightly and assuring her that she’s the most wonderful girl in the world and any guy would be lucky to have her
He takes the time to sit your sons down and talk to them about respecting women (“or men, because that’s cool too!”)
These boys are raised to be gentlemen and understand the concept of consent from an early age
And he definitely taught your girl some self-defense before she went to college
Taglist: @mr-stank-i-dont-feel-so-dank, @jeordinevankiszka, @that-glassbottomed-ego, @kissthesun-fightthefire, @lover--leaver, @myownparadise96, @satans-helper, @songbirdkisses, @bluewillowmom
#dad van fleet#gvf#greta van fleet#hcs#writing#not a request#just cause#baby fever#danny wagner#jake kiszka#sam kiszka#josh kiszka
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A Collection of My Favorite Quotes by Lesley Patterson
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world."
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"Never cut what you can untie." - Joseph Joubert
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"Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads." -Henry Thoreau
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"A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere." - Joyce A. Myers
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"Believe you can and you're halfway there." - Theodore Roosevelt
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"Change your thoughts and you change your world." -Norman V. Peale
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"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." - Rabindranath Tagore
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"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." - Robert Louis Stevenson
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"Every charitable act is a stepping stone toward heaven." - Henry Beecher
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"Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul." - Thomas Merton
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"For a gallant spirit, there can never be defeat." - Wallis Simpson
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"Give light and people will find the way." - Ella Baker
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"Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul." - Henry Ward Beecher
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"Great hopes make great men." - Thomas Fuller
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"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." - Suzanne Somers
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"Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul." - Democritus
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"How glorious a greeting the sun gives the mountains!" - John Muir
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"Mankind is made great or little by its own will." - Friedrich Schiller
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"Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success." - Swami Sivananda
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"The best way out is always through." - Robert Frost
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"The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises." - Leo Buscaglia
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"The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money." - Thomas Jefferson
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"The power of imagination makes us infinite." - John Muir
"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." - Edith Wharton
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"Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself." - Plato
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"Think with your whole body." - Taisen Deshimaru
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"There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness." - Han Suyin
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"We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." - Ronald Reagan
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"What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?" - Robert H. Schuller
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"You change your life by changing your heart." - Max Lucado
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"Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start." - Nido Qubein
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"A people free to choose will always choose peace." - Ronald Reagan
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"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." - Mohandas Gandhi
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"I think that people want peace so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa
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"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge." - Thomas Carlyle
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"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha
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"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." - Buddha
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"Every man dies. Not every man really lives." - William Wallace
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"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
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"It is not length of life, but depth of life." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"It is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war." - John F. Kennedy
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"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein
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'The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." - Henry David Thoreau
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"The purpose of life is a life of purpose." - Robert Byrne
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"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." - Mark Twain
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"Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Jung
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"There is no coming to consciousness without pain." - Carl Jung
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"Follow that will and that way which experience confirms to be your own." - Carl Jung
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"While there's life, there's hope." - Marcus Tullius Cicero
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"Your life is what your thoughts make it." - Marcus Aurelius
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"It is madness for sheep to talk peace with a wolf." - Thomas Fuller
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"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it." - Eleanor Roosevelt
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"Nobody can bring you peace but yourself." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"One cannot subdue a man by holding back his hands. Lasting peace comes not from force." - David Borenstein
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"Peace and friendship with all mankind is our wisest policy, and I wish we may be permitted to pursue it." - Thomas Jefferson
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"Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"Peace hath higher tests of manhood than battle ever knew." - John Greenleaf Whittier
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"Peace is its own reward." - Mohandas Gandhi
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"Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time." - Lyndon B. Johnson
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"Peace is liberty in tranquillity." - Marcus Tullius Cicero
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"Peace is rarely denied to the peaceful." - Friedrich Schiller
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"Peace is when the time doesn't matter as it passes by." - Maria Schell
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"Power to the peaceful!" - Michael Franti
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"The most valuable possession you can own is an open heart. The most powerful weapon you can be is an instrument of peace." - Carlos Santana
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"The real and lasting victories are those of peace, and not of war." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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"Those who are at war with others are not at peace with themselves." - William Hazlitt
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"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." - Virginia Woolf
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"You don't have to have fought in a war to love peace." - Geraldine Ferraro
"A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea." - Honore de Balzac
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"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives." - C. S. Lewis
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"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." - Plato
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"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu
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"Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?" - Richard Bach
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"Come live in my heart, and pay no rent." - Samuel Lover
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"Do all things with love." - Og Mandino
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"Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law. Love is the law, love as thou wilt." - Aleister Crowley & his Wife
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"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Judy Garland
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"I believe in the compelling power of love. I do not understand it. I believe it to be the most fragrant blossom of all this thorny existence." - Theodore Dreiser
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"I can live without money, but I cannot live without love." - Judy Garland
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"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Daphne Rae
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"I like not only to be loved but also to be told I am loved." - George Eliot
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"If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world." - Emmet Fox
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"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." - A. A. Milne
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"If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." - Michel de Montaigne
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"If you want to be loved, be lovable." - Ovid
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"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'" - Erich Fromm
"In love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two." - Erich Fromm
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"Love conquers all." - Virgil
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"Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other." - Rainer Maria Rilke
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"Love does not dominate; it cultivates." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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"Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could." - Barbara de Angelis
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"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs." - William Shakespeare
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"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." - Leo Buscaglia
"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov
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"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Robert Frost
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"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." - Aristotle
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"Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." - H. L. Mencken
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"Love is my religion - I could die for it." - John Keats
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https://www.linkedin.com/in/writingbeautifully
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https://www.reddit.com/user/WritingBeautifully
#Quotes #MyFavoriteQuotes #InspiringQuotes #InsightfulQuotes #QuotesCollection #TrueQuotes #QuoteablyQuoted #QuotesForLife #Life #Advice #Tips #Wisdom #WritingBeautifully #WritingBeautifully.com #TheWritingBeautifullyBlog #WritingBeautifullyBlog #TheOfficialAuthorLadyOpaque #LadyOpaque #LesleyPatterson #LesleyMPatterson #LesleyMichellePatterson #Author #Poet #Writer #Poetry
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Epic Movie (Re)Watch #118 - Kingsman: The Secret Service
Spoilers below.
Have I seen it before: Yes
Did I like it then: Yes!
Do I remember it: Yes.
Did I see it in theaters: Yes.
Was it a movie I saw since August 22nd, 2009: Yes. #343.
Format: Blu-ray
1) I love this movie. It’s so much fun, it has a great blend of style and character, and it’s just a treat all around! Honestly it’s probably the best Roger Moore James Bond movie without Roger Moore in it.
2) Hey, it’s Mark Hamill!
3) The bad guys are so polite in this movie.
Thug; “I’m under very strict instructions not to hurt you.”
4) Hey, it’s Jack Davenport!
Too bad he, like Mark Hamill, dies very early on in the movie.
5) The score in this film composed by Henry Jackman and Matthew Margeson is one of the things that infuses this film with the energy it has. It has JUST enough of that classic 007 feel to know that’s what they’re going for, but not too much to distract the audience. The rest is a fun, action packed score which adds an extra dose of adrenaline to the film. I love it!
6) Sofia Boutella as Gazelle!
Boutella’s scar is quickly on the rise, having memorable rules in this, as Jaylah in Star Trek Beyond, and as the titular monster in Universal’s upcoming The Mummy reboot. And this films tells you why. It is a smaller role, especially when compared to Eggsy or the main villain Valentine, but every scene Boutella is in defines the character. She’s fierce but also incredibly loyal to Valentine, but that doesn’t mean she’s not human. You see bits of kindness, curiosity, wonder, and humor. Boutella merges all these qualities wonderfully in the villainous Gazelle and her scenes with Sam Jackson are a delight!
7) Samuel L. Jackson as Richmond Valentine.
Sam Jackson is great in this role. I honestly don’t think I’ve seen the legend give a bad performance. Has he been in bad movies? Sure. But he always commits 100% and gives it his all, and here’s no different.
Valentine is an interesting character in that he’s the best example of a villain believing he’s the good guy. He doesn’t want to kill people, he doesn’t want to hurt people, he wants to save the world, so he’ll get others to kill and hurt people for him. Samuel L. Jackson is a lot of fun in the role, adding a nice lisp which (according to IMDb):
Samuel L. Jackson's character of Richmond Valentine was originally intended not to have a lisp. However, Jackson completed his first take with a lisp. Matthew Vaughn yelled "cut!", and talked to Jackson, who revealed to Vaughn that, prior to having an acting career, he actually had a lisp, which he eventually overcame. It was also jokingly remarked that this lisp is Valentine's reason for being villainous.
It’s a great part of the film.
8) Harry Hart/Gallahad’s need for the Kingsman to progress past snobs already establishes him as an interesting character among the spy organization. It shows he truly understands what it is to be noble. That it’s not about the circumstances of one’s birth but how you treat your fellow man. But more on that later.
9) Taron Egerton as Eggsy.
Although the film was largely marketed on the star power of Firth, Jackson, and even Michael Caine, it is Eggsy who’s the real hero of the film and he is awesome! Eggsy is an intriguing character with a lot of nice layers/surprises which pop up in the film in fun ways. To start we learn that - even as a “punk” - he lives by a strict moral code of not ratting on his friends and taking care of his own, but he’s not below petty pranks of revenge (as in stealing a jackass’ car and then driving it backwards). He can keep a secret and largely fends for himself, only calling upon the favor Harry Hart offered him 17 years later when he REALLY needs it.
Egerton is fantastic in the role! He embraces every layer of Eggsy. The kindness, the loyalty, the rough edges, the temper, the brashness, all the contradictions and surprises, and he blends them together in a believably way. He’s funny, charismatic, and an absolute star on screen.
10) I never understand why Eggsy’s mom decided to marry such a shit after his dad died. Maybe because he can support them? I don’t know, but Eggsy’s stepdad is a prick.
11) I love this
Harry: Your father was a brave man. A good man. And having read your files, I'd think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made.
Eggsy: You can't talk to me like that.
Harry: Huge I.Q., great performance in primary school. And it all went tits up. Drugs, petty crime, never had a job.
Eggsy: Do you think there's a lot of jobs going around here, yeah?
Harry: Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies. First prize, regional under tens' gymnastics, two years in a row. Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material.
Eggsy: Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my stepdad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.
Hart: Now of course. Always someone else's fault. Who's to blame you for quitting the Marines? You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up.
Eggsy: Because my mum went mental, banging on about losing me as well as my dad. Then we wouldn't be cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers with no thought about why we do what we do. We ain't got much choice, you get me? And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses, we'd do just as well as you, if not better.
I think this is great for a few reasons. It tells us a lot about Eggsy (gymnast, marine corp, huge IQ) but it SHOWS us a lot too. It shows up that he respects himself and that he’ll stand by the decisions he’s made in the past. It shows us that Eggsy takes shit from no one, no matter how in the right society may say they are.
12) I love the fight scene in the bar, otherwise known as “Manners Maketh Man”.
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It is our first real showcase of the film’s stellar action sequences, which hold up for the rest of our two hour ride. I think the action is most marked by a fun, fast pace, but also incredible fight choreography. It’s an excellent case of action/reaction or action/consequences. Everything leads into everything else and it all flows so beautifully.
13) Remember how I said Eggsy had some nice layers?
Harry [trying to describe training Eggsy to be a spy]: Did you see the film Trading Places?
Eggsy: No.
Harry: How about Nikita? Pretty Woman? Now, my point is that the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path that you needn't stay on. If you're prepared to adapt and learn, you can transform.
Eggsy: Oh, like in My Fair Lady.
Hart: You're full of surprises.
Eggsy is not some moron tough guy who’s masculinity is too fragile to watch and appreciate My Fair Lady. Harry obviously has this image in his mind of what Eggsy is (a guy who likes raunchy comedies and action movies).
14) Is it me or is the idea of a spy organization run totally on its own above any sort of law or government shady as fuck? And they use fear tactics to train their recruits and want them to willingly shoot a poor dog in a cold blood (more on that bullshit later).
15) I love Roxy.
She doesn’t get nearly enough screen time but is given some nice development in the time she does.
Is able to be civil in a competitive field without it getting in the way of her goals.
Has an incredible fear of heights and/or falling, but that doesn’t stop her from doing what needs to be done towards the end of the film (which is a great arc in and of itself).
Is willing what needs to be done to accomplish her goals (like shooting a dog to be in Kingsman).
We see her and Eggsy develop a nice friendship. Not a romance, not a will they won’t they, a mutual respect among peers and also platonic support. If the sequel can improve on the original in one way (and listen carefully Matthew Vaughn) it would be to include more Roxy!
16) Can we be honest? If there was a US president who would participate in the planning of mass genocide from this current decade, it wouldn’t be Obama.
17) The water tank!
Not only an example of the film’s great action, but also imaginative set pieces and classic spy thrills. Also - and I say this as a hetero guy - but Eggsy’s abs have even me going DAMN.
18) Me too Sam Jackson. Me too.
Valentine [after he has to blow up Professor Arnold’s head or risk exposure]: “He made me kill Professor Arnold. I goddamn loved Professor Arnold.”
19) This line really sticks with me.
Valentine [after Gazelle says she reached out to various secret services]: “Beijing. So freaky how there's no recognizable name for the Chinese Secret Service. Now that's what you call a secret, right?”
20) I’m a dog person, okay? I love this.
(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)
21) Remember how I said that Kingsman is a shady spy organization? Well it should really follow the Captain America rule of ethics and not include any bullies in its services. The only two candidates who aren’t pricks are Eggsy and Roxy!
22) The skydiving scene - akin to the water tank scene - is a great example of the film’s wonderful set pieces and fun writing. It also gives us Roxy’s fear of heights and/or falling and Eggsy supporting his friend (and later fellow teammates) even though if he left her there it would mean he’d advance through the program. It’s so great! Even Merlin (Mark Strong) is getting tense watching!
23) I get hungry for McDonald’s every time I see this film.
24) The scene where Harry visits Valentine at his home for a gala which turns into a dinner date (basically) is a very Bond scene. They each have a sense for who the other is but play nice, act civil, make vague threats. I call it “Into The Lion’s Den.” Very 007.
25) This. Fucking. Quote.
Harry (quoting Ernest Hemingway): “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
I live by this fucking quote.
26) This film has some pretty great humor.
Harry (showing Eggsy how a knife hidden in a boot works): “Now do your very best impersonation of a German aristocrat's formal greeting.”
Harry: “No, Eggsy.”
[Harry clicks his heels and a blade pops out of his right shoe]
27) THIS STUPID BULLSHIT WITH THE DOG!!!!
Arthur [the head of Kingsman, handing Eggsy a gun]: “Shoot the dog.”
So the final test to be a Kingsman agent is to shoot a dog who’ve you spent the last few months training and growing attached to and if you shoot the dog you get in.
(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)
And later it turns out the gun was only filled with blanks and Harry says Kingsman only condone the taking of a life when it’s necessary.
(GIF originally posted by @karenmpage)
We only condone the taking of a life when it’s considerate and thought out, but we want to make sure all our agents are mindless coldblooded killers who follow orders without questions because that always works so damn well. You know, because we’re the good guys.
(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)
28) The fucking church scene.
So Harry goes to a hate-group church in America which Valentine has shown an interest in to inspect it, and we hear a little bit of their extremely hateful rhetoric before Harry gets up to leave...
Harry: Would you excuse me?
Female Patron: Where are you going?
Female Patron: Hey! What's your problem?
(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)
And then Harry gets up to leave and Valentine (who’s in a nearby building) starts a mysterious machine he tests out on the church. What follows is one of the greatest action sequences to grace the screens of cinema:
Content Warning: The below video features hyper-violent, bloody, stylized violence. Watch at your own discretion.
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Everything about this scene is perfect. The choice of music feeds directly into the high speed sense of pacing, and the choice to speed up the film just a bit not only supports that same aspect of pacing but also gives the scene the quality of a runaway train. Because that’s what Harry is right now: he’s out of control! He has no ability to make decisions he just lets loose with every hateful whim that pops in his head. But probably the thing that makes this scene work as well as it does is the decision to make it a continuous shot. You cut back to Eggsy, Merlin, and Valentine/Gazelle as they witness this event, but the fight inside of the church itself is a continuous shot (or edited to appear as such). This goes back to my earlier point of how the action of the film plays very much into cause/effect or actions/consequences. You witness every little thing that happens. Harry runs out of bullets? He starts to beat someone with his gun. Someone just tried to stab him? He takes the knife for himself. It is continuous. It flows. And it is just an adrenaline filled scene to watch.
Note: I saw this twice in theaters, the second time with my parents. My mom loves Colin Firth and did not take too kindly to the fact that he murdered a bunch of people. She thought the scene was great, but she didn’t like that they made Colin Firth do that. My mom is very cute sometimes (like when she asked me in Rouge One when Chewbacca was going to show up, knowing full well he didn’t).
29) After the church scene, Valentine shoots Harry point blank in the head and hates how it feels. Gazelle points out that he just killed everyone in that church.
Valentine: “No, no, no, they killed each other.”
That is so fucking important for Valentine’s character. He doesn’t tack responsibility for any of his actions. He doesn’t see himself as the villain. He sees himself as a savior who hasn’t even killed anyone!
30) Note: The scene I’m about to discuss is best experienced without knowing that it’s going to happen. If you want to be surprised by it, skip on to note #31.
So skipping ahead a bit to when Eggsy has infiltrated the enemy base (since all the notes I made during the preceding scenes I’d made already), the way everyone’s head blows up in a scene I call “Pomp & Circumstance” is hysterical.
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In contrast to the hyper violent and sometimes too realistic fight in the church, the filmmakers opt to make a more cartoony and artistic violent scene. And if you don’t know it’s coming you laugh so hard when it happens (hence the note above).
31) The song choice of “Give It Up” as Valentine operates his hate machine gives it a similar sense of pacing as “Freebird” did in the church scene. This film really understands that music is it’s friend.
32) This scene seems weirdly empowering towards women.
Swedish Princess (who is captive in Valentine’s base, after Eggsy says he has to save the world before he rescues her): “If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole.”
And in any other movie this would be written off as, “Oh, a guy wrote that line.” But this script was written by a man and a woman, meaning she had to okay it. So...weirdly empowering, right?
I think I should move on.
33) The fight scene between Gazelle and Eggsy may not be the sheer perfection which is the church scene, but it’s a fun watch nonetheless and it uses Gazelle’s blade legs to their advantage.
34) Remember how I said this film’s score incorporates JUST enough 007 in it? Well the little bit of horn we get just before Gazelle dies represents that perfectly. That’s a very James Bond moment.
35)
Valentine [after Eggsy has fatally wounded him]: “Is this the part where you say some really bad pun?”
Eggsy: “It's like you said to Harry: this ain't that kind of movie, bruv.”
It kinda is.
36) And we come full circle.
Kingsman is spectacular. It’s possibly my favorite spy movie of 2015 (which had Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Spy, The Man from UNCLE (sorry @theforceisstronginthegirl), Bridge of Spies, and SPECTRE), definitely one of my favorite action movies ever, and hell it’s one of my favorite films of all time. It is just a fun ride with great style, characters, and acting. A true delight through and through. Go watch it now if you can!
#Kingsman#Kingsman The Secret Service#Taron Egerton#Colin Firth#Samuel L Jackson#Epic Movie (Re)Watch#Sofia Boutella#Jack Davenport#Mark Hamill#Movie#Film#GIF
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Football's Che Guevara? Behind the enigma of Guardiola
Pep Guardiola is the son of a bricklayer who has been described as the Che Guevara of football – but who exactly is the Manchester City manager?
As he comes towards the end of his second season in England the 47-year-old remains something of an enigma in the country in which he now lives.
I have been following his life and career for more than 20 years, talking during that period to him and the key people who have helped shape the person he has become.
Working on an update of my Guardiola biography Another Way Of Winning, I caught up with them to discover whether he remains the same – or whether England has changed him.
(Listen to Pep Guardiola – 5 live sport special at 19:00 BST on Wednesday)
Old-fashioned values and Italian loafers
Guardiola was born 70km from Barcelona in the sleepy town of Santpedor, which lies in the shadow of the rocky outline of Monserrat, a giant, iconic, serrated mountain so precious to Catalans.
He was the third of four children born to Valenti Guardiola, a bricklayer, and Dolors Sala and raised in a working-class home with solid family principles and a clear sense of dignity.
The writer and film director David Trueba, who knows him better than many, says of his friend: “Nobody has paid any attention to the fundamental fact that Guardiola is a bricklayer’s son.
“For Pep, his father is an example of integrity and hard work. The family he has grown up with in Santpedor has instilled old values in him, values from a time in which parents didn’t have money or property to hand down to their children.
“When it comes to analysing or judging Guardiola, you must bear in mind that underneath the elegant suit, the cashmere jumper and the tie, is the son of a bricklayer. Inside those expensive Italian shoes there is a heart in espadrilles.”
How Guardiola won the title for City
What City’s goals tell us about the champions
Watch: Guardiola meets Lineker
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And no understanding of Guardiola is complete without a grasp of La Masia, until 2011 the home and production line of the Barcelona Academy set up by Johan Cruyff. For about six years from 1984 it was the home of Guardiola.
“I had the best years of my life at La Masia – a time focused on the single, most non-negotiable dream that I have ever had: to play for Barca’s first team.”
Barcelona and Netherlands legend Cruyff became Guardiola’s great mentor, a man he would meet regularly before and after becoming a manager.
Once a year, generally when the season was over, they would enjoy a long lunch at the famous El Bulli restaurant on the Costa Brava. It was an excuse to chat, drink wine, eat well and have afternoon sea baths.
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Can you imagine? Cruyff and Guardiola, two of world football’s great innovators, enjoying the creative genius of El Bulli owner Ferran Adria, a great culinary inventor and gastronomic inspiration to so many of the world’s great chefs.
The principles are the same. It is not just about being the best at playing the game or cooking the best meal, but more about changing the way the game is played and how the food is served and perceived – while having fun in the process.
Innovation, genius and talent combined with total dedication and unstinting toil and effort comes in many forms, be they sporting or culinary.
In a way, where else would the likes of Cruyff and Guardiola celebrate the end of a campaign?
However, Cruyff is by no means the only influence. Another is Argentine Marcelo Bielsa, the man known affectionately as ‘El Loco’ – the madman.
The former Chile and Argentina boss – most recently the head coach of Lille at club level – is a man of huge influence but relatively few trophies.
“It is important for me to say this about Marcelo because it doesn’t matter how many titles he had in his career,” Guardiola has said.
“We are judged by that – how much success we have, how many titles we have won. But his titles are much less important than how he has influenced football and his football players. That is why, for me, he is the best coach in the world.”
Bielsa told Guardiola during an 11-hour chat at the Argentine’s villa that football is all about an idea, fighting for it, improving players, and never losing the passion.
“Occasionally when I’m asked to do a talk in La Masia, I use the following example,” Guardiola once said.
“Each night when you are going to sleep, ask yourselves if, right then, you’d get up, grab the ball and play for a bit. If ever the answer is ‘no’ then that is the day to start looking for something else to do.”
Guardiola – a life in football Born in Santpedor, Catalonia in 1971, he joined Barcelona at the age of 13. Barca boss Johan Cruyff saw him playing in a youth team game on the right of midfield and told the youth team coach to play him as a defensive midfielder – a position he made his own. Guardiola made his full Barca debut in 1990, remained at the club until 2001 and was part of the ‘dream team’ that won the European Cup in 1992. Guardiola went on to play for Brescia, Roma, Al-Ahli and Dorados before retiring in 2006. He also made 47 appearances for Spain, scoring five goals. Guardiola has managed Barcelona B, Barcelona, Bayern Munich and now Manchester City.
His body is there, but the mind is miles away
If life teaches us anything it is that those who are the very best at what they do are invariably the ones that work the hardest. Pep is no exception.
Eidur Gudjohnsen once told me the story of going to see Guardiola to ask what he wanted from him if he was to stand a chance of getting more playing time at Barcelona. “Your life,” said Pep.
Guardiola’s assistant at City and long-time friend Manuel Estiarte laughed as he told me on many occasions he will be talking to Pep in the knowledge he is simply not listening, immersed instead in analysis of one thing or another.
“His body is there but his mind is miles away,” his friend admits.
They spend lots of time together, along with City’s director of football Txiki Begiristain, and when they relax with a bit of wine, Guardiola is a great storyteller. He laughs at himself and the world of football, but it is not always possible to take him away from it.
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Guardiola is a sponge, keen to learn from anyone from England rugby union coach Eddie Jones to chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov. Perhaps on some level he is making up for his lack of structured education.
The principles he learned, ones he has evolved and improved over time, remain strictly non-negotiable. He might add to them by listening to others, but they are strict.
It goes like this.
What makes a team a unit, what makes this sport fun, is the ball.
Players became players to play with a ball, so let them have it as much as possible. And let’s build around the idea of having it all the time. But the ball burns you. Give it to a colleague as soon as you can. Play quick, play simple. And when you lose it – get it back as soon as you can, because it should hurt not to have it.
If you mix into this belief his obsessive desire to find solutions to problems (not exclusive to him as Cruyff, Bielsa, Mauricio Pochettino and Sir Alex Ferguson are made from the same mould), you find a coach that has developed a new way of winning; not the best way, just a different one.
Former Argentina manager and World Cup winner Cesar Luis Menotti, who earlier this year shared conversation and wine chosen by connoisseur Pep, admits Guardiola has changed football.
“Pep is the Che Guevara of football. I always said a revolutionary wins or dies in the fight and Pep’s idea remains unwavering,” said Menotti.
“He’s never going to change it: he wants to play well, he wants to own the space and he wants command of the ball. And he wants to handle the time, to stay ahead of the curve.”
His obsession with football can lead to feelings of guilt and remorse with those people closest to him, mostly his family.
I remember his dread when he missed out on a concert his daughter was playing in at school because he had forgotten about it and was watching DVDs of matches involving Barcelona’s next opponents, Getafe.
Having a sabbatical after Barcelona was a way to compensate for the time he had been away from them. But three months after saying goodbye to the Camp Nou he started conversations with Bayern.
In the early years of his coaching career he would prepare for any game in the same way, no matter the opponent. Three days before it, he spent hours watching videos of the rival, identifying weaknesses.
Then he would show clips to the players followed by a training session solely about the match.
It is here you will find Guardiola’s real magic. Once he has spotted a weakness in an opponent’s armour he can explain to his players how to exploit it.
Speaking about the 2011 Champions League final at Wembley – when Barca beat Manchester United 3-1 – Javier Mascherano told me: “While he was talking it wasn’t as if he was referring to a game that we were about to take part in, it was as if we were actually playing it right there.
“He was up and down, side to side in front of the board, gesticulating and if you shut your eyes you were out there in the middle of the action.
“Everything that he said would happen, happened as he said it would. During the match I was thinking, ‘I’ve seen this already, I’ve already heard all about it – because Pep has already told me about it’.”
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A man who needs to be liked?
Like most people, Guardiola is a man who would like to be popular. The difference is that unlike many he will not compromise his principles for popularity.
He cannot afford to do so if he wants to get to where he wants to get to – but perhaps it was not always like that. In the past he could not handle a bad look from a player, say Samuel Eto’o or Thierry Henry, but now he understands it is part and parcel of the job.
Ask him and he will tell you that one of his biggest challenges is to ensure that his players love him and believe in him.
He would like to be able to explain to a player why they have been left out – but knows they will never understand.
“I was a footballer, I know why they feel that way,” Pep admits. So part of the job now is to find a bench full of good people because it helps to make, he says “a team of champions”.
To do so, Guardiola reckons it is important to make his players realise the privileged life they lead as footballers.
“He showed us a video that was really emotional,” said Pablo Zabaleta, who played for him at City last season. “I nearly cried. Some of the players were crying.
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“There were some people from Barcelona who were working with immigrants, rescuing people from the streets. And he brought the physios and everyone in and said I want you all to see how lucky you are to be doing what you are doing. We have the best building, the best training ground, we stay at the best hotels.'”
He was very closely and emotionally linked to his players at Barca and said he had to leave because they were going to “hurt each other” as there were difficult decisions to make.
At Bayern the cultural clash helped maintain some distance with some of the German footballers (even though he got very close to Philipp Lahm and Kimmich) and at City he has become an older brother or father figure to a very young squad.
Last season he took his large family, wives and girlfriends included, to a popular Spanish restaurant in town.
When David Silva had a son born prematurely earlier this season the rule was clear. “David, you tell me when you have to go to Spain and we will adapt.”
With Joe Hart there was never anything personal, just the style of a goalkeeper who could not adapt to the new City plan.
Samir Nasri and Yaya Toure were in such poor shape physically when he arrived that he expected them to improve on that before being made part of the group. When you are asked to win, there is no space for passengers. Even if later on you decide to change your mind, as happened briefly with Yaya Toure.
A man with a truly Catalan soul
Pep is a product of Santpedor, a village that has kept a close link to Catalan culture, its history and identity.
He is therefore a proud Catalan, with fundamental core values and an inherent sense of justice instilled in him by his family and his environment from the very start. You can add to this an acute sense of the importance of symbology.
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When a 21-year-old Guardiola stood on the balcony of the Placa Sant Jaume in Barcelona at the home of the Catalan Parliament in 1992 and raised the European Cup with the words “Ciutadans de Catalunya, ja la tenim aqui” (Citizens of Catalonia, at last we have her here) he was paraphrasing former Catalan leader Josep Tarradellas.
Tarradellas had been exiled in France since 1939 but returned on 23 October 1977 – two years after Spanish dictator General Franco’s death – and from the same place that Guardiola would later lift the trophy he proclaimed: “Ciutadans de Catalunya, ja soc aqui!” (Catalan for “Citizens of Catalonia, I am here at last!”).
Guardiola has always felt comfortable being the spokesman of a team.
He is a firm believer in Catalonia’s right to independence from Spain but that is a long way from saying he is an extremist, or a politician in the making.
His much-discussed wearing of a yellow ribbon is not a call for independence but rather a protest against the imprisonment of democratically elected politicians by the Spanish government.
“Before a manager, I am a human being,” he said. “There are four guys in prison. There are other guys, who are outside of Catalonia; when they come back, they are going to be jailed, imprisoned for rebellion and sedition. It’s not about politicians, it’s about democracy.”
When he left Barcelona in 2012, a rumour abounded in the city. “He will come back as a president,” it was said.
He now says what was originally going to be a short coaching career could extend to his late fifties. And after that? If you write every chapter in advance, there is no mystery in the journey. So, he would tell you, who knows?
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The door that’s always open – how Pep has transformed City
To fully understand why and how he has transformed City we need to look at how he has changed things wherever he has been.
When he took over at Barcelona he explained his ideology and how he wanted to play. Shortly afterwards, goalkeeper Victor Valdes, came to see him. According to Valdes this is how the conversation went:
Valdes: “Can I talk to you boss?”
Guardiola: “My door is always open…”
Valdes: “I need to ask one thing; all that you are talking about is fine, but only if the centre-backs want the ball.”
Guardiola: “I will make sure they want the ball.”
That was it. End of conversation. By his own admission, when his new young coach arrived, Valdes had zero tactical knowledge. Four years later, by the time he left, he could have taken a Phd in the subject.
In its simplest form Pep, who inherited a City side that had finished with the same points as United, has changed the club by identifying what was missing, what was surplus to requirements, and making the necessary changes.
Then it was a matter of train. And train. And train.
And convince them all they could win more and enjoy more with his methods and ideas.
There is more of course. Mark Hughes and Mark Bowen were invited to Pep’s room after the 7-2 defeat of Stoke in October and they asked him about his time at City. How is it different the first season to the second? And how do you keep on motivating them to keep on winning week in week out?
“It’s easy when your two best players work harder and run further than anyone else in your team,” he said. He was referring to De Bruyne and David Silva. “What excuse does any other player have, if those two were doing that?”
Through his career he has transformed players who thought they had made it, who probably thought they had nothing new to learn.
Shortly after Pep’s appointment as head coach at Barcelona, Xavi had been considering his position at the club. Eager to find out where he stood, he went to see the new manager.
Xavi: “I won’t beat around the bush, Pep. I have one question for you; do you count on me?”
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Pep: “I don’t see this team without you in it. I just don’t see this working without you.”
With that, Pep had reignited Xavi’s spark. The whole conversation had lasted less than 20 seconds.
While at Bayern he converted Lahm, one of the best full-backs in the world, into a great midfielder. Pep later called him “one of the most fantastic players I ever trained in my life and one of the most intelligent”.
Lahm went on to captain Germany to victory in the 2014 World Cup, often playing in the centre of the park.
Now at City he has transformed De Bruyne, with whom he has long conversations about football and life. But mostly football.
De Bruyne is one of those players who gets everything with very little explanation. Clearly, he had been doing his homework and knew Guardiola was going to challenge him to come out of his comfort zone.
After the first few conversations, and once he had confirmed his quality in training, Guardiola devised the idea of giving him a more central role.
De Bruyne could almost be considered the first signing of Guardiola’s era because Begiristain knew such a player would fit perfectly in a Pep team. And Pep fully agreed.
Raheem Sterling has been transformed from being a figure of fun into practically a near-certain starter for his country. Defender Nicolas Otamendi was derided and ridiculed by many and has gone on to become one of the most effective defenders in the Premier League.
Most importantly, Ederson apart, the regular starting line-up is filled with players Pep has not bought but rather those there when he arrived at the club.
In fact most of the players that have significantly marked his tenure wherever he has coached (Sergio Busquets, Xavi, Messi, Lahm, Arjen Robben, De Bruyne, Silva, Otamendi, Sterling) were already at their clubs when he arrived there. That, ultimately, is his greatest achievement.
So the question is, has Pep adapted to the Premier League or has the squad adapted to him? Hughes asked Pep what he felt the main difference between the Premier League and the Bundesliga was, and he smiled.
“Not one team in England ever lays down and dies. No matter the score, they keep on trying right to the end,” he said.
But the game is, like everywhere else, 11 versus 11 and the dimension of the pitches are basically the same.
So he has learnt all about his players. He has found out who is good for his style and who is not. Then he has applied to them his principles, which do not change because, otherwise, “what is the point of doing something you don’t feel inside”.
So, more than the Catalan coach adapting to the Premier League, what we are watching is a squad that has adapted to him.
More relaxed and flexible – why Pep might stay at City
For Guardiola to enjoy his job he needs to find it to be a personal challenge, he needs a club that really wants him and people who trust in what he does and believes. It is all interlinked and it is all at City.
That is why I think he will renew his current contract, which is scheduled to expire at the end of next season. He thinks there is still much to be done – and won.
He is happy in a city he knows well, going to music concerts and regularly visiting restaurants with his coaching staff or family – his wife Cristina and his children Valentina, Marius and Maria, who live with him in the city centre.
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Indeed he is working, alongside Begiristain and Ferran Soriano, towards opening a new restaurant with well-known Catalan chef, Paco Perez.
He has found a good balance in the way he approaches things.
He used to be absolute in his view on certain issues, but has become more flexible.
He does not watch three matches of the next rival any more, which at the time he thought vital to avoid anything escaping him. Now he watches selected pictures in half-hour sessions. And so he gets to the games fresher.
He still hates it when the opposition have the ball, but depending on the players he has, he can mould the method of attacking when possession is regained.
In fact, since he left Barcelona, where he thought the team had to attack together and mostly in one particular way, he has learnt different ways of hurting rivals with the ball.
A cabinet full of silverware Guardiola enjoyed a glittering playing career with Barcelona that saw him win six La Liga titles and the Copa del Rey twice. He also won the European Cup and the European Cup Winners’ Cup As Barca boss Guardiola won 14 trophies in four seasons – La Liga (3), Copa del Rey (2), Spanish Super Cup (3), Champions League (2), Super Cup (2), Club World Cup (2) Won a further seven trophies in three seasons at Bayern before leaving for Man City in 2016. After a trophy-less first season in England, he won the EFL Cup this season and has now won the Premier League.
He recently told me he understood why Arsene Wenger talks about having sleepless nights, chewing over decisions and details. He has had them sometimes at City, especially in his first season. It perhaps explains some of his most controversial reactions.
In his first campaign some of the bluntness of his answers to journalists came from a frustration at the lack of consistency of referees, the insistence from the media and certain quarters that he should change and look for a Plan B, and the implication he had to adapt much more to a new environment.
But halfway through that initial year he and his coaching staff decided that what they cannot influence, they had better ignore, which helped calm things down.
His assistants at City are a tightly knit group who firmly believe in Guardiola’s work and are determined to protect him – a wall surrounds them and hardly anything comes out.
He prefers not to give individual interviews but chooses his moments to explain himself.
The Spaniard enjoys travelling to Argentina – “they sell very well what they do and think – and I buy it all!” He has given lectures to audiences of thousands there about his methodology.
He recently made an appearance on Directv Sport, the TV channel that has the rights to broadcast the World Cup in Argentina, promoting their coverage.
After club football he would love to manage a national side, and some in Argentina are already trying to convince him to do so. Brazil was mentioned as a possibility before 2014.
But that will be later. Right now this intriguing and complex man is determined to keep on teaching the philosophy he so fervently believes in – and winning trophies in the process.
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BBC Sport – Football
Football's Che Guevara? Behind the enigma of Guardiola was originally published on 365 Football
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