#i am a big supporter of cat dad eddie though | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

findafight · 1 year

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I posted 7,803 times in 2022

145 posts created (2%)

7,658 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@galahadwilder

@bbq-grillmaster

@phoenixyfriend

@hyenasnake

I tagged 2,374 of my posts in 2022

#qitup - 345 posts

#stranger things - 311 posts

#sw - 302 posts

#video - 213 posts

#steddie - 148 posts

#steve harrington - 134 posts

#platonic stobin - 111 posts

#finda's rambles - 89 posts

#ml - 71 posts

#finda writes stuff - 57 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#jim is down for it and afterwards goes 'that was wild. when can we do it like that again?' and spock is like 'in seven years' jim goes oh🥺

My Top Posts in 2022:

Middle-aged rockstar Eddie on twitter is so funny to me he'll have very professional tweets about tours or releases etc and promote causes he supports but then he'll be a little chaos gremlin like

"the first time Steve and I actually met I held a broken bottle to his neck. Think that awakened something in him. 😈"

And Steve replies

"Robin told me I sucked on a daily basis, Jonathan punched me in the face, two weeks after Nancy pointed a gun at me I told her I loved her. You ain't special"

And Eddie replies an hour later with

"WAIT A SECOND STEVE DID YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON JONATHAN"

While his followers and fans are like...what is going on and who is Jonathan. Why is Eddie Munson airing his relationship drama on twitter dot com. WHY DID HE HOLD A BROKEN BOTTLE TO STEVE'S NECK

2,113 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

I am a hardline Steve is a "boring queer" truther. Yes he's bi and genderqueer!! Does he change pronouns? Nope! It's easier to use he/him and he doesn't care. Does he wear anything other than high waisted mom jeans and sweatshirts? Absolutely not. Just because gender means next to nothing to him both for himself and in regards to attraction doesn't mean he's going out of his way to do anything about it. He knows he looks like Just Some Jock but he's comfy!! His ass looks good! What more is there to clothes than that!

He goes to bed at ten and wakes up at six-thirty for a run before work. His favourite show is M*A*S*H. The most outlandish thing he's done besides Monster Killing is name his rescue cat WoodChipper because it kept trying to eat his porch.

3,596 notes - Posted August 30, 2022

Steve shows up to work one day with a baby bjorn complete with sleeping baby on his chest and Robin is like Steve....what the fuck?

And Steve says "I would've called you last night but she'd only stop crying when I held her and my parents were fighting, obviously, and I had to figure out how to make her bottle then I fell asleep with her on top of me and I think my dad legitimately forgot about us even though this is his fault, and there's no one to take care of her so I had to bring her. Sorry."

That is a lot and answers very few of Robin's questions.

"who...is she?"

Steve brightens and smiles down at the baby who's tiny baby fist is scrunched up in his work vest. "Oh! My half sister. Her mom works for one of my dad's business partners and brought her to my parents while they were away last week so they came home, mostly to dump her off on a nanny they forgot to hire--hence my baby holder here--and fight. Turns out dad cheating is easier to ignore when there isn't actual proof of it."

"oh. Woah."

"yeah. Anyways, ready to rewind some tapes?"

So they start work Steve logging returns into the computer and cupping the baby whose name I don't know yet's head. Then the little baby wakes up, making little baby noises, and Robin is not one for babies really, but Steve coos and picks her hand off his chest and waves it at Robin.

"see, that's your auntie Robin! Say hiii auntie Robin!"

The baby chews her tongue at Robin and blows a spit bubble.

And how is Robin supposed to not be charmed by that?

"awww," she says, letting the baby grab her finger, "yeah, I'm your auntie Robin. Your big brother's gonna take care of you so good huh? You'll know your way around retail in no time."

Steve giggles.

It is then that The Gremlins decide to show up and Cause Noise. Baby sister starts to cry and Steve takes her to the back to get her to calm down and change her, comes out (ignores the party's questions. Giving them Ultimate Mom Pose with Bonus Effect of Baby) hands her to Robin who is a little nervous but she will not let her new niece (?) Down, and goes back to find and heat up a bottle.

Eddie, who drove the gremlins and was looking for something in his van comes in, sees Robin holding the baby and is like huh? What's this?

And then Steve comes out with a bottle and a baby blanket over his shoulder, reaches for the baby from Robin and tries to get her to latch on the bottle with quiet words and gentle hands and Eddie is not okay he's not fine he's having a melt down because Steve with the kids is one thing but Steve with a Baby is something very different and he should not be expected to keep it together seeing this

Part 2.

Part 3

5,784 notes - Posted October 23, 2022

Rockstar Eddie au in the 90's and there's rumours he is ~homosexual~ right. So the whole band is in an interview, and the journalist asks

"so, Eddie, what do you have to say about those rumours ?"

"what rumours" (he knows exactly what rumours)

"the rumours about you having slept with a number of men. About being, ah, gay? Seeing as you've never had a public relationship with a woman, and some of the songs you've written could be seen as, ah, insinuating things."

(at this point Jeff and Gareth make Significant Eye Contact. They know what's about to happen.)

Eddie nods. "Ahhh. THOSE rumours. Well, gotta say, don't believe everything you hear!" He pauses just enough for the interviewer to open their mouth and interrupts. "I mean," he leans forward with a wide grin, "obviously I am a flaming queer. We know this. [Insert song title here] is clearly about gay sex, duh, I'm not exactly a subtle man. It's the sleeping around stuff that's just plain rumour. I've been happily in a committed monogamous relationship since '86!"

this is obviously not how the interviewer thought any of this would go. They are scrambling. "O-oh? Would you like to... Elaborate on that?"

Gareth speaks under his breath "oh no, now he's not gonna stop" as he looks to the ceiling. Jeff's face is valiantly trying to not smile.

Eddie is vibrating. "Oh absolutely! Okay, so we're from this Podunk Indiana town in buttfuck nowhere, right? Steve and I met when-"

"Eddie please, man. I can't believe you held out this long but we have an album to promote and if you start gushing about Steve we'll be here forever. Please, Eddie." Says Jeff, smiling.

Eddie proceeds to pout as his bandmates ignore his grumbling about never getting to talk about Steve and Jeff and Gareth are like Eddie you waxed poetic about his chest hair in song literally five minutes before this interview. PLEASE let us talk about music I'm sure people will clamour to get an interview exclusively about Steve. You'll have time to talk about him to the press just let us have One Last Interview that isn't just Eddie Talking About Steve Time. Please.

9,948 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

When someone comes out Steve's immediate gut reaction is to drag their taste in romantic prospects. Robin rejected him and came out and he went full "okay fine but please like BETTER girls oh my god" like the Mean Girl he is. God bless.

When Will blurts that he's in love with Mike (which... Yeah Steve knew that one.) Steve goes "okay there's nothing wrong with liking boys but why wheeler?? You can do so much better Will. Seriously. Literally anyone else." And will is just ?????? He just said he liked boys and Steve's biggest issue is that it's Mike?! "Mike is being a jerk!! He's ignoring you!! Dump his ass, Will!" Most confusing acceptance ever.

Eddie confesses to Steve and the man blinks at him like "but...I'm a prep?? And bitchy? And have had, like, five concussions?"

And Eddie is like "what the fuck are you talking about"

"I'm just saying I doubt I'm your usual type! Obviously I like you back but you could probably do better"

"Steve are you saying my feelings are reciprocated while also being self deprecating n order to insult my taste in men?"

"oh. Yeah. Oops."

Lucas and max come out without specifying crushes (except on each other) so there is no need to drag them for their taste in men or women.

Dustin is like "I literally only like Suzie" and Steve is like "I know this and I love you (and her)" BC Suzie is amazing and helped save the world too. And grey ro/ace Dustin.

The only person whose taste he doesn't criticize is Mike and that's because when he says he's in love with will Steve just goes "he's too good for you" and nothing else.

12,144 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #i. posted a lot huh.

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hypnofur1 · 7 years

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Halloween Hypno Home Invasion

By Hypnofur

Halloween has taken an interesting twist in my neighborhood. The town had some incidents a few years ago with teens causing problems on Halloween night. To combat that, they started an all night Halloween party at the community center. Usually, that is the kind of thing that teenagers would avoid in droves, but for whatever reason, it became insanely popular. Everyone’s kids who were over 13 went to this Halloween lock in. Our only son fit in this group.

The other interesting thing about Halloween in my neighborhood, is that the women get all dressed up to answer the door for trick or treaters. The costumes are usually pretty sexy. The old adage about Halloween being the one night that good girls being naughty definitely held up around here. We had an affluent neighborhood. Well to do soccer moms. Whole foods, Eddie Bauer, and J Crew were the main stays.

However, Halloween let the ladies all be sexy. Not slutty, nothing over the top. They were still answering the door for little kids, and there was nothing inappropriate. The costumes were just on the sexier side of what they usually wore. This was much to the delight of the neighborhood men. Especially the ones with younger kids who were still going door to door, and were not at the lock in.

This year, my wife Jill had knocked me out with her outfit. When she first came downstairs around 6:00, I had my breath taken away. She had put together a “cat” costume. She must have picked up a set of ears and a black tail from the party store. She wore a black velvet sort of leotard thing that I had never seen before. She wore her black suede knee high boots. She had a little tail piece and cat ear head band that she must have gotten from the party store. I was instantly turned on. Jill is in great shape, and has a terrific body. It isn’t often that her clothing shows it off like this.

I begged her to turn off the lights, and pretend we weren’t home. It was always, a flirty sexy night between us, especially with our son gone to the lock in. She refused me with a smile and a kiss. We both knew we couldn’t really ignore the trick or treaters. However, we were both into the idea of sexy fun later tonight.

The trick or treaters came in droves, as they always did. The Dad’s all checked Jill out, even though she was pretending not to notice. Around 8:15, we were getting ready to shut down for the night. The little kids all started at 6:00 and ended by 8:00. It was like clock work.

At about 8:20, the doorbell rang. We both thought it was odd timing. When Jill opened the door, there were two adults. A man and a woman. The woman was wearing a sexy little devil costume. It was a revealing red cocktail dress, with the same kind of horn headband and tail thing that Jill had, just a devil version instead of a cat. The man just wore a black hooded cloak. I was half watching tv and half watching the door at the time. I glanced over to see what kid would ring the bell so late, and saw the two adults. I immediately got a chill. My wife was clearly nervous as she politely asked how she could help them. I moved toward the door myself.

“Trick or treat” the woman said. My heart started to beat fast, as I could tell this was a weird situation. By the time I got to the door, they had already barged into the house. I broke into a run but the hooded man positioned himself just right, and cold clocked me with a left hook. I’ve never been punched in the face like that. The little devil locked the door behind her. Jill was terrified, she didn’t know what to do.

I went to get back up, when the hooded man stepped on my chest. Jill screamed. This was a home invasion.

“Please be quiet.” The devil lady said. “There is no need for anyone to get hurt anymore. That can happen though. In the meantime, you need to cooperate.” She said calmly as she got a chair from our dinning room set.

The hooded man flipped me over and stepped on my back. He pulled out two plastic wire ties from his cloak and bound my wrists. He then lifted me up and brought me over to the chair. After a few minutes, I was bound and chained to the chair, which was chained to the banister.

“Don’t worry honey. We’ll get through this” I said to Jill. She looked so scared, she was trembling. I wanted to badly to make her feel safe, but I couldn’t. I was so angry, and so scared.

The hooded man finally spoke. I was surprised by his genteel british accent.

"These are the rules," he explained. "You will both do exactly as I say, no arguments, no objections, no mouth at all. You will not attempt to escape, nor will you notify anyone of our presence. My friend and I will be staying with you for a while. We don't want to hurt you, but we most definitely will if we must. Do you both understand me?"

He stared through me as he waited for my response. "Yes," I mumbled. Turning my wife to face him, he looked into her eyes, waiting. Shaking and sobbing, she looked back at him and nodded her head, afraid to speak.

“My name is Marsden. I have been hired by some very powerful people who need your support for certain town matters, Daniel.” The hooded man said, as he took down his hood. He was pretty big, probably about six feet. He looked pretty average though. Not what you would expect a home invader to look like.

Even though I was trying to focus on his features for my eventual police report, I was too enraged. “This is a fucking selectman’s thing? You are doing this so I fucking vote in some construction project or something?” I asked, incredulously. I had become a selectman for our town last year. It was mostly stop signs and whether or not to add on to the library. I never thought it would lead to anything like this.

The devil lady came over and smacked me across the face with the with her little devil trident. I had assumed it was hollow plastic, but it was actually metal, and it hurt!

“No talking!” she snarled

This made Jill scream again. “Stop, please, stop!” she said, trembling and sobbing.

“I must apologize for Lilly. She is very… loyal” Marsden said.

“Fuck!” I yelled. My head hurt so much. “What needs to be done so you’ll leave us?”

“Yes, right to business. Of course” Marsden said calmly. “I am going to take Jill into the other room and talk to her for a bit. After that, I will leave when I feel we are done for the night, or when she asks me to.”

That last part surprised me, and no doubt surprised Jill too. She looked at me. She was trembling. She knew she had to go into the other room with him, and she was very scared. She ran to me, hugging me on the chair. “I love you Dan. I love you so much.”

“I love you too Jill. We’ll get through this darling. Just do as he says, and we’ll get through this.”

“I love you so much. I am so sorry. I love you darling” she said to me, hugging me.

“If you please Jill.” Our captor said, with inappropriate politeness, leading her into the other room.

That left just me and Lily the devil lady. I finally focused on her. The more I studied her, the more I realized that she was probably in her mid thirties. I had assumed twenties or something when she barged in, but I guess I had no reason to actually think that.

“What is he going to do to her? Is he going to hurt her?” I asked.

“Hurt her? No. He is going to hypnotize her” Lily said with a devilish smile.

“What?” I asked in my head and out loud. “You two are fucking nut jobs” I said. I knew that would get me a smack with the devil stick, and it did. She was crazy. So was he if he thought he was going to just come in and hypnotize my wife. First of all, I could never see that working on Jill. Second of all, she was scared shitless. There was no way she would be able to relax at all.

Deciding I didn’t want to get smacked anymore. I sat in silence with Lily. I couldn’t hear any sounds coming from the part of the house where Marsden and Jill were. I looked at the clock on the cable box. An hour and fifteen minutes passed. Finally, I heard Jill’s high heel boots walking down the hall. I was pleased to note that her steps were well paced. She wasn’t staggering.

Much to my surprise, my wife strolled into the room. Her cat costume still in perfect array. She didn’t look scared any more. Instead she had a calm, almost satisfied, blissful look on her face. “Jill, sweety, are you ok, did he hurt you?”

She didn’t respond to me at all instead, she just sat down on the couch and stared at the wall.

I tried in vain to get Jill’s attention. “I know what he was trying to do. Did you play along, does he believe you’re hypnotized or whatever?” I asked before Marsden came in the room.

Lily came up behind me. I had forgotten she was in the room. She bent down right next to me and whispered in my ear. “She’s not playing along. She far too deep in hypnosis to hear you. She’ll only respond to Marsden now, until directed otherwise. I’m sure she went so, so deep for him. It was unbelievable. She was, completely, utterly hypnotized, and I know from experience she must have loved every second of it.” She teased as she flicked my ear with her tongue. My heart sank.

Marsden finally entered the room. He casually strolled around the room and turned on the stereo. “Jill, dance with me.” He said invited.

I saw a pleased smile cross Jill’s face as she turned and went to him. They immediately started slow dancing, very intimately.

“You can’t blame her Dan, no one can resist Marsden’s hypnotic power. He makes it soo…wonderful. Marsden will make her cum like never before, she will be extremely happy when we leave here tonight." she told as she started to massage my shoulders. Soon the music turned to a more upbeat and hardcore style.

Their dancing became much more primal and physical. Jill just closed her eyes and let Marsden do anything and everything. He turned her toward me and stood behind her as he reach under her arms and place both his hands on her breasts and started to massage them through her velvet tank top. Jill gasped as she pulled her arms up over her head and roughly played with Marsden’s hair as he kissed her neck. “Unfortunately, this is going to get a lot worse for you before it gets better. Marsden has to make sure that you’ll do as his employers ask. This means you need to be broken. He will turn her completely against you, so that you know the depth of his control over her. However, if you agree, if you play along, you can get her back. She’ll be your wife again when Marsden allows it, until he has need of her.”

Their dancing was more of a gyration than anything now. Marsden then took off his shirt and turned Jill around so that they could be chest to chest, her chest pressed against his. As they came close they embraced in a passionate and rough kiss. Jill reached down and unbuttoned Marsden’s pants and slides them down. Here I sit, watching a total stranger kissing my wife in my living rom. Lilly moved in behind Marsden and slowly lowered his boxers, exposing him to us all. Jill's knees gave out as she slumped to the floor and starred at Marsden’s cock. Jill looked over at me as she reached out her left hand and grabbed Marsden’s cock. I shook my head pleading with her as she looked at me with a look of defiance. Marsden walked closer to her, close enough to be in range of her mouth when she looked back at him. Marsden looked over at me. "Now Dan, watch as I show your wife what a hypnotic cock feels like “

Jill did her best to accommodate Marsden’s cock in her mouth, but as he became completely hard she couldn't keep it in her mouth. Lilly had moved behind Jill and had begun to velvet cat suit. Jill made no motion to stop her; in fact she actually helped her. Soon she was naked, as was Marsden, as my wife of 14 years was doing her best to suck him off. "Stand up my hypnotized sex kitten." Marsden said to Jill as she pulled her mouth from his cock. Jill stood up and let go of Marsden’s cock as he walked her over to the couch. Marsden walked behind Jill and walked her into the back of sofa and bent her over it. Lilly was on the other side of the couch ready to greet Jill with a kiss. As Jill and Lilly continued to make out, Marsden readied himself behind Jill.

"Are you ready for your hypnotic experience in bliss Jill?" Marsden asked as he steadied himself behind her. "Hmmmph." Jill replied still kissing Lilly. "Jill, I want you to look at your husband over there." Marsden said as Jill pulled away from Lilly's lips and looked at me. "Now tell your him that you know that I will please you better than he ever could and that you are ready to become MY hypnotized slave."

Jill licked her lips before she spoke. "Honey, he is a hypnotic god. Marsden s about to fuck me like I have never been fucked. How does that make you feel? How does it feel to know that even though you wish me to be YOUR little sex kitten? That in fact I willing to become HIS little sex kitten?" My heart sank. I knew it was the hypnosis talking, but there still had to be some truth to it. "I am ready to become your slave Marsden, please fuck me however you want, wherever you want, anytime you want." Jill said, then turned back to Lilly and began kissing her again. "Are you ready my little kitten?" asked Marsden as Jill reply was completely muffled by Lilly's lips as they continued to make out heavily. If it had been anyone else in front of me I could have easily explained my own rock hard cock. But this was my own wife, making out with a strange woman and about to get fucked beyond recognition by criminals who had invaded our home. "Are you ready Dan?" Marsden looked at me with a spiteful smile while he closed in behind Jill. "Are you ready to watch as I make your little well to do wife here cum over and over while she screams MY name and not yours? He continued his onslaught of humiliating remarks. "Just get it over with you piece of shit!" I yelled at him as I shut my eyes and turned my head away. "Marsden, can’t you just hypnotize him into being quiet?” Jill whined as she then went straight back to kissing Lilly who had taken off her dress and was letting Jill kiss and suck on her own breasts. Marsden started rubbing the tip of his cock into the slit of Jill’s pussy. He began by slowly running the tip of his cock from her clit to her asshole, as he did - Jill began to nearly pant like a dog with her breathing. He hadn't even put his cock into her yet, and already she was about to cum. " Dan, she is so wet and ready for me. Look, she is about to cum already!" Marsden commented while he continued to slide his cock up and down her slit. Then he began his journey into her pussy. Slow at first, only inserting about an inch into her pussy. Which was enough to make her gasp aloud and turn her head back toward Marsden and moan. "Oh god you feel so good Marsden, I can't wait any longer, please give it to me." Jill said as she let her head drop down to the couch. "Well wait no longer sweet dove. Here it is." Marsden said as he grabbed her hips and let his cock plunge into her awaiting wet pussy, he didn't stop until his balls were up against her clit. Jill's head rose up and her entire body stiffened like a rock, her head came all the back as far as it could. Lilly took the opportunity to grab and pinch each of her nipples through her top to completely send her body into sensory overload. Marsden just held himself in place, entirely impaling himself inside Jill's pussy. As her body recovered from the shock of being skewered with such an enormous weapon, Jill let out a tremendous scream. At first I thought it was a scream of pain, telling me she was awake and aware again, and realizing what was about to happen to her. I started to fight against my restraints and yell out to her. But then I realized that it wasn't from fear that she screamed. It was complete bliss that made her utter that cry. "OH....MY....GOD...you..are..incredible." Jill said as her head flung back down to the couch and her body started to loosen up from the current state of rigidness. Marsden then slowly started to pull his cock from Jill's pussy, unsheathing it like a sword. When he had retracted it about 5 inches, he let his body go forward and impale Jill again with his tool. Again she cried out in bliss and pleasure. "I told you Dan, she is mine now. You won't ever be able to give her the pleasure that I just introduced her to. She will always compare the feeble pleasure you give her to what she is experiencing right now. Won't you dear?" Marsden said as he pulled back Jill's long hair from her face so I could see it. It was apparent that Jill was beyond being able to reason. Under his hypnotic conditioning, she had retreated into a state of complete sexual desire. "Anything you say, MASTER!" Jill replied to Marsden. "I am yours, I will serve you, obey you. Just please give me more of that cock!" Jill continued to debase me with her remarks to Marsden, who just smiled as he looked at me. Lily’s warning was correct. "Now slave! Tell me about your husband?" Marsden said. As he pulled his cock back and got himself ready for another assault on Jill's pussy. "My husband? I have no husband anymore" Jill said as she paused to make sure she could focus on the pleasure she was receiving. Marsden plunged yet again into her and started to rock back and forth sliding his cock in and out of Jill's pussy. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could Jill say something like that? She had no husband? I am sitting right here! Hypnosis couldn’t possibly be this powerful, could it? "The man who was my husband is now only a tool to carry out your demands." Jill said as she breathed heavily and strained to take Marsden’s cock over and over. Marsden had moved into a good rhythm and pace, pausing only ever so often to see the Jill's body start to beg for it again. My heart again sunk further down into my chest. This was a nightmare with no hope of waking up from. "OOOHHH god!!! I am totally and completely yours Marsden." Jill said as another orgasm flowed over her body and she got ready for another that was not far off. Marsden definitely knew how to fuck a woman with that huge cock of his. But this was my wife, how could be happening. "Look at broken Dan over there Jill. See how hard he is watching this all? All this will get so much better for him when he decides to cooperate with my employers" Marsden said as Jill and Lilly looked over at me. Seeing me chained to this chair with a rock hard cock only confirmed to them that he was right. Marsden only winked at me and smiled, and continued to fuck Jill. "If it pleases you Marsden, maybe I put Dan out of his misery and suck him off?" Lilly asked Marsden with her head bowed down. "I suppose he has been a good sport. Proceed." Marsden said as he grabbed Jill's hair and pulled it back. "Look now little dove. Dan is about to get some release. Do you have anything to say to him?" Marsden quietly said to Jill holding her head up by her hair and forcing her to look at Lilly dropping to her knees in front of me. As Lilly knelt down in front of me, she slowly spread my legs to gain access to my cock. I knew I wasn't going to last long once she started wrapping her lips around my cock. I just knew that I was ashamed at what was happening. Lilly slowly wrapped her hand around my shaft and lowered her head down over it. The warmth of her wet lips and tongue on my cock were nearly too much at first. I struggled to think of anything that would make this all go away. But I could not resist. Lilly slowly sucked my cock, then ran her tongue down over my balls and flicked them with her tongue. I looked down at her pleading her to stop this. She roughly grabbed my shaft and started sucking hard as she bobbed her head up and down on my cock. Marsden was still forcing Jill to look over at Lilly and myself while he continued to bang into her with the force of a hurricane. Her cries of pleasure coupled with the pleasure Lilly was giving me were too much for me. "He matters not to me, right now I only wish for you to keep fucking me. He is weak or he would not be sitting there right now." Jill replied back to him before another wave of orgasm hit her and she arched her back. "Oh god I'm cumming again, OH YES YES YES, GIVE IT TO ME MARSDEN I NEED YOUR COCK." Jill yelled out and banged her hands on the couch cushion. My cock again could not stand to see Jill in such pleasure without erupting itself. I could hear Jill cumming again as she degraded me more and more. "GOD YOU FEEL SO GOOD INSIDE ME MASTER!!! DAN NEVER MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY! Dan do you hear me? After 14 years, you have never made me feel as good as Marsden has tonight. Oh god here it comes again...OHHHHH GOD!!!" she cried out as Marsden pounded into her and gave her another orgasm. Marsden was starting to show signs of nearing an orgasm. Finally. Maybe now it could end. He finally came, and frankly, I think I passed out. Or maybe Lily hit me again, who knows. When I awoke, Marsden was sitting on the couch. Jill was kneeling at his feet, back in her cat Halloween costume, as he was petting her head. Lilly was next to him on the other side. Marsden explained how things would be. Jill would go back to being my wife, save for when he needed her. He explained to me that Lilly was at a PTA meeting this morning. She was clearly someone’s wife as well. If I agreed to cooperate with his employers, everything would be fine. If I didn’t I would be mentally tortured again.

I of course agreed to cooperate.

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blacklodgemusictx · 7 years

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How Not to Hate ‘The Dark Tower’ Movie

First, you must know: I love the Dark Tower series.

No really.

I LOVE. The Dark Tower. I listen to the entire audio book cycle at least three times a year.

A goodly portion of my left calf is devoted to this. I commissioned a picture of my cat, Jimmy, as Roland.

Believe me, I am a fan:

(yes, I know I need lotion... so much lotion...)

So it’s easy to imagine the more I heard about the upcoming movie, the more horror I experienced.

(spoiler alert -- DUH)

Granted, Stephen King gave himself the BIGGEST ‘get out of jail free’ card ever when he wrote the ending of DT... that the entire cycle repeats itself until Roland can get it RIGHT. Things change each time. Soooo this means SK can say that ANYTHING can now happen and have it fit within the mythology.

I wanted to boycott the movie. I wanted to HATE the movie. I wanted to sit in the theatre and hrumph each little change... but I didn’t.

If you are a purist (as I fancied myself), put everything out of your mind that you have already heard/read/watched and replace it with this (no, it’s *not* true but this is how it goes easiest):

NO ONE INVOLVED IN THE MOVIE EVER READ ANY OF THE BOOKS.

You know that friend/relative, you’ve been telling about DT for YEARS, but just can’t seem to be bothered to actually READ it? Well, this person wrote the screenplay. If you think of it that way, you can actually sail through this movie relatively easily.

I really need to watch it again with a notepad so I can make notes of specific things to address, but for now, I’m just going to go with what I remember:

1. Algo Siento has been mushed together with the concept of stealing twins from Wolves of the Calla. The movie opens with young people frolicking and then being taken to a building where they are strapped to chairs and made to shoot psychic power at the Tower.

2. Oh, at the Tower? I thought all things serve the beam?! Apparently, screw the beams. Even though the words “beam quake” are actually used at one point and Jake even draws the picture we’ve all come to recognize as the wagon wheel design with the tower in the middle and the beams radiating out from it. Yes, we are shooting power straight at the tower and not at beams that support it.

3. The biggies you know already: No Eddie, No Odetta/ Detta/Susannah, no Oy.

4. Jake is Jake in that he’s a young boy ... named Jake. He is likable, but lacks most if not all recognizable characteristics. His dad “Elmer Chambers” (yep, they kept that) was a firefighter who got killed. Jake loves his mother, but has an asshole stepdad/mom-boyfriend (whatever). This is hugely different from the two cardboard cutout parents from the book. I suppose this is supposed to make him more sympathetic.

In fact, most recognizable names in this movie are just names. Richard Sayer? He’s there. For 5 minutes. He’s just a flunkie. His name might as well be Lennie. Or Jerry. I almost said “rat boy” or “rat guy,” but I’m pretty sure someone already had that name in the credits.

5. I have NEVER liked Matthew McConaughey... until now. He’s getting older. And it shows. But that’s NOT a bad thing. It’s easy to imagine him as the new Christopher Walken in the future. He’s got a VERY heavy “Prophecy” vibe going on.

6. What will make you angry: Roland denies being a gunslinger. This is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. Whether the world has moved on or not, Roland is a gunslinger in every fiber of his being. He would NEVER deny this.

7. Another anger ball: His quest is purely one of vengeance. UNWORTHY. He seeks only to kill Walter... NOT TO climb to the top of the tower. Yes, you have to have clearly defined conflict so I understand the good guy/bad guy dichotomy, but to change who the gunslinger is AND what his quest is?? Yeaaaa... no.

8. No lobstrosities . He is injured by, like, a demon or something (I guess you could call it a Speaking Demon as it pretends to be Jake’s dad and Roland’s dad). So he does seek medical treatment, but it is practically an aside and his illness takes NO time whatsoever. Versus the HUGE amount of time he spends ill in the books.

9. No doors, no keys. The doors have been mashed up with the portals that are located along the beam. But this is more a... well.. think Stargate-type thing.

10. They got the Taheen down pretty good. The human masks are well done.

11. There are roses, the Sombra corporation is a thing. At least it’s painted on the side of a van. The Crimson King is mentioned, but one gets the feeling they are referring to a title Walter probably wants to ascend to. As they have made him pretty much The Big Bad of the movie.

12. The guns are nothing special. They are described in the books as big, heavy, fancy, scrolled... at one point, Eddie is afraid to take one from Roland lest the unexpected weight cause him to drop it and break his foot. But, hey, now they are apparently forged from the metal of Excalibur. Soooo that’s a thing, right?

I’m sure I will come back and amend this later as more things occur to me, but this is a good list for now. I know it sounds like a lot, but not if you first apply what I said: no one involved with this movie is trying to make you mad, they just wanted to make a movie. This is the movie my husband would have made for me. My husband knows I love the books so he read them too. Many many years ago. And has an extremely poor memory.

It’s short, but jamming SEVEN books in to one movie means a lot of stuff won’t get mentioned or gets mentioned for two seconds. It also understands that there will probably never be another tower movie made so it wraps up while leaving an opening for another... if such were to be desired.

Just go, get your popcorn, relax, enjoy the a/c. It’s better than a kick in the head. It’ll be ok, I promise. At least we got SOMETHING.

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