#i am not typing out his full title sorry gang i cant fucking remember it

[breadsammich]

tpp second citadel au where everything is the same but lord arum looks like a gorn from star trek tos

#the penumbra podcast #tpp second citadel #lord arum #i am not typing out his full title sorry gang i cant fucking remember it

[thestormyrainbow]

I should I have wrote this when it was fresh but oh well. So I’m pretty sure I have mention that my life in my home is not okay. I don’t even consider that my home , I feel like a unwanted guest. Okay so I have to start at the night before the bullshit started. I decided to go out with my friends . I honestly dont even remember where we went , ooh okay wait i think it was Yogurtland. It was about  8:00 pm , I kindly told my mother im going to Yogurtland ill be back in a hour tops. She said “Okay” So i left and came back 9:00 o'clock sharp. I unlocked the door but it didn't open fully. Someone put the chain on the door. I truly dont understand why we have a chain for our door like we live in the fucking slums or some shit. Back to the story , so basically I’m locked out and i didn’t have my phone with me. Im just knocking on the door and yelling for someone to wake tf up. My family goes to sleep early and they sleep really hard. As im doing this for a cool 20 minutes , its registering in my head like out of all my friends I’m the only one who deals with bullshit like this. Like my friends can come home late and they parents are just like glad they are home safe. So sitting outside thinking is just pissing me off , that which lead to my next action . I repeatedly close and forcefully open the door until i broke the chain for the door (sorry not sorry) . Then when i finally broke it and and walked in the house closed and locked the door. My mom comes out her room and im just like “Why you put the chain in the door i was out there for about 45 minutes” She said “I didn't, your dad must have put that on there , he didn't know you were gone.” In my head I wanted to say , Bitch you know i was gone though. But instead i just said “oh” And I went to sleep only to be woken up at 6;00 am . My mom woke me and said “Come here” I go into the living room to see my parents standing in front of me. I know they were probably mad about the the door but it was way more than i thought. The convo was about 40 minutes long and it ended with me crying and my best friend mom picking me up.

The conversation is to much to type word for word but key points: Basically my parents well my step dad talked the whole time. back to key points the

He feels like im jealous of like the things he buys for everyone but me 

That i have a attitude when i have no money

And last but not least i should be happy he turned his life around for the family

Im going to go further into details and convo

1. The conversation started on me breaking the door. And then I dont even wanna call him dad anymore he lost that title but he said i feel like you jealous of the things we have. Mind you its 6:00 am , im not really responding because im tired and low key caught off guard. 

Dad: “I feel like you jealous like you dont really be happy for the stuff i buy me , your mom , and sister. when I show you things you seem pissed off. Like you should be happy of all the things i do. I dont even buy myself nice things anymore. i spend it all on you guys. I dont have to give you movie tickets or give you money to do stuff when you dont have money.

(okay i didn't respond to any of this shit but when i really thought about the shit he said. My parents haven't support me since i was about 15 years old. which was about five years ago) And 95% of what he said is a croc of shit

2. Dad: when you have money you nice to everyone and going places and shit. But when you dont you real angry and mean. Most of the time im quite but something has to change. You always switch up on us if you're going be a certain way be consistent. Like money ain’t the root to all things. Don’t let that determine your happiness.

(i still was quite it was too early to be arguing. but lets be honest i pay my parents 500 a month of rent. On top of that sometime they dont even have to full amount to pay rent sometimes so i always let them borrow about 400 a month. But i wasn't working until like about 6 months ago. So the money i was giving my parents was coming out of my financial aid for school. Mind you i have to pay to get to school (the bus) most of time im at school all day so i buy lunch and dinner most times. i pay my own cell phone bill. Well not anymore because i got tired of paying the bill. I pay for everything i own down to the underwear and soap i use for my damn body. So for him to make it seem like he break his fucking neck for me is out of this world. he dont bust his ass for me i  bust my ass for myself. and i get so piss of when i dont have money because . When i ask to borrow like 40 dollars i feel like i should get it with no questions asked. I can loan them 400 dollars but i cant get 40 dollars GTFOH. That ridiculous to me. So of course im going get mad when i dont have money . I feel like the people who support me and lift me up should be my parents. But they are the main ones who put me down.which sucks and that stays in the back of my head every day.)

3. (my favorite ) Dad: i change my life for you guys. Im not in the streets anymore. I dont gang bang . I change my life for you) 

the rest is a fucking blur to me cause it a load of bull shit . after that he was like we love you though . And i started crying because i dont believe my parents love me . I truly dont . when i started crying my mom started crying. then my step dad walked up to me and was like it will get better i i just shook my head and cried. I dont feel like it will get better i feel like it only will get worse. Because im the only one who has my back when it comes to family.

Now it was my turn to talk!! ME: you guys act like im a bad kid. Other then school and work i dont do anything other than Disneyland. Im not like my cousin who had babies young and didnt graduate from high school . I've been doing everything right so excuse me for not being perfect or who you want me to be. well im sorry that im not who you want to be.

After that i went into my room and rolled in bed and cried until my friends mom came and picked me up .I havent been home in a week.

#Mad asf #locked out #fucking sad #parents suck #wild asf #depression #damnanxiety #independent woman #trust lost #love lost #me myself & i #i have myself #doing it for myself #tears and emotion #my life #imperfect #thats me #what is love #life is falling apart