#i came out to her as trans last week and we talked abt it some today tho!!! it was rly nice i had never talked abt it out loud before

[dreamertrilogys]

If you are comfortable sharing, what's the situation with dani? ofc pls only share if you are comfortable!!<3

i typed up a response to this & then accidentally deleted it TWICE i fucking hate this app. anyway this got long soooo

okay so we first met in english class at the start of the year right (we were both sort of friends with this one girl & like we sat near each other and both spoke up in class a lot). anyway we got this assignment to write a memoir about something that’s happened in our lives. so here i was a week before the due date, still topic-less (we had a month to work on it btw). i half-jokingly said i could come out to the teacher as bi in the memoir bc then she’d HAVE to give me a good mark right (it worked btw i got a 98% on it <3). and then it sort of spiralled into a whole “you should write about someone you’ve dated and being sexuality into it via that” / “i’ve never dated anyone” / “pretend you dated me”. (oh btw dani was already out to me and our other friends from english class as bi at this point). and so then we started flirting a LOT but like mostly as a joke(???). it was definitely more lighthearted at the start but like. well we were still very much flirting. like it was to the point where she’d ask me to go somewhere with her and i’d have to ask “in what way do you mean that” (the reply to that was always some variation of “in whatever way you want me to mean it”). this continued for like months and stuff but i didn’t consider the possibility that she actually liked me until recently (around a week ago ish?) anyway

okay so now it’s ummm. last tuesday(?). there’s a supply teacher for english so we decide to skip together (in a date way. i think). many things happen here:

we hold hands (romantically. she specifically asked me if i held hands with my friends and when i said no she was like ok good)

she kept looking at me and i kept saying what and then eventually she told me she thought i was pretty and that she liked me

this was so. like i had to cover my face with my hands for a bit after this and then i eventually told her she was pretty too and stuff. i couldn’t manage to tell her that i liked her but i did heavily imply it i think

i then came out to her as trans (ok so this was kind of rocky. first i was like would you still like me if i was a guy & she was like (lightheartedly/mostly jokingly) no bc guys have penises

and i was like are you bi? (like not meanly but just she’s sort of been questions if she’s bi or a lesbian and like. yknow) and then we sort of talked abt it for a bit and she was like i don’t know there’s like one (1) guy i’d date but don’t worry it’ll never happen (can’t tell if she only likes him bc he’s unattainable or if she was just clarifying that it would never happen bc yknow she just told me that she liked me)

anyway then and then she was like why tho? and so i was like i’m trans etc etc (MOST EMBARRASSING CONVERSATION OF MY LIFEEEE i genuinely despise the act of coming out to people it’s so awkward). anyway she was incredibly nice about it and apologized for her previous answer and shit (like she was genuinely truly sorry for it trust me). she was also like “for the record i still like you”. anyway she asked what names/pronouns she should use in front of which people etc etc

anyway while walking back to school after the whole coming out business she was like “can i reword something from before?” and then told me she thought i was hot (like in contrast to the earlier pretty). this was SOOOOO

okay so anyway ever since then she’s taken over the spot of the guy who used to sit next to me in english and every class we just spend with our chairs pressed together shoulders touching etc etc. now my PERSONAL issues with the idea of dating her:

i mean. there’s my religious stuff obviously. islamically i technically can’t date anyone but like. i genuinely don’t know where i stand on that anymore it’s quite awful i don’t want to think about it etc etc

there’s the fact that i still have a huge crush on one of my other friends (but like. he’s very definitely currently unattainable so i’m not sure how much this matters)

i’ve never dated anyone before this is so scary 😭😭 she’s dated much more than me and like. idk

she’s so cool and pretty and nice and hot but i don’t truly think we could like be together forever like we simply are just two very different people without enough in common (OR maybe i just have commitment issues. who knows.) (then again we were never really friends like the whole friendship was based on flirting as a joke so really what common ground do we have) (do i really have commitment issues? i mean yes probably but also i genuinely think if my friend who i have a crush on asked me out right now i’d probably say yes. but then again who knows for sure. certainly not me!)

not an issue this is a pro. did i mention she’s SO fucking hot like it’s insane 😳

#so anyway yeah. this got SO long help 😭 i was gonna do this all in my diary entry some time later but thanks to you i didn’t have the chance #to procrastinate it (genuine thanks not sarcasm) #answered #anonymous #fake ex gf #gf

[appreciatingtokrev]

i guess with age gaps friendships, it's better for both parties just to tell each other their age before the friendship properly start to develop because i support they got like a mini t&c given to them beforehand. that's understandable and fair but i feel like some ppl do that to tell if the other party will be a clingy friend or not. that's true and the cases where they keep in contact with everyone else but deliberately just do it to you is a real shitty realisation to acknowledge.

i think in those cases like that, the parties may find each other attractive too hence why they dive into a relationship so quickly or they just gel really well together i dk but i feel like it's a factor for some. she kept telling my family i have a surprise for z so when i came back, i thought she was joking. i would say 99% of ppl (including me) couldn't do that lol. it did worked for her, she's having her first child in May.

also, i saw your cats in mediterranean post, i went turkey last year and they were everywhere! i went to a McDondalds over there and a few kittens came into the sitting area outside but everyone was chill lmao. if i ever come off on anon, i'll prob just call you koko because i find that the easiest name to remember. ah i did recognise them including the gen one but not all of them. do you play gi?

ah some ppl are very laidback towards their names but it's interesting how much names play a role in someone personal/cultural identity. mine used to belong to a very specific group when i was born. also, finding out meaning of names is very fun. i suppose all this links back to psychology (?) to some extend.

agreed. that’s also one of the reasons i’m pretty open abt my age on here lol. the friend i gave as example has been aware the whole time too so

hm yeah understandable. yeah exactly, if you know everyone else is being ghosted by the person too then you know it’s not personal and stuff. but being the only person to be ignored really sucks

ngl i thought abt me & my relationships more bc i was trying to understand why you’d date/marry someone so soon and uhh. tbh. my qpp and i took a year and a half to label us as in a queerplatonic relationship (basically platonic partners. if things go well, platonic life partners :3 i would certainly marry him for tax benefits) but we clicked immediately so i’m starting to understand. a few weeks would def not be enough for such a big commitment like marriage but we p much were best friends like two weeks in and we only saw each other for 2 hours a week so... just immediately clicking and thus starting to date so soon actually makes kinda sense.

oh my god help this completely threw me for a loop first adhjdhf me & my friends are all so school focused i forgot that people my age and a few years above start having kids. omg. okay but congrats to her!! also very understandable i would’ve thought it’s a joke first too... like. a few weeks to get married is VERY unusual here lol

ohh omg life goals tbh. i love cats man i wish they’d swarm like flies here too adhjgdh ig it’s mostly a problem with stray cats tho :/ but it does sound like a nice experience lol

koko works fine hehe :3 yep, i’ve been playing genshin for over two years now! 26.1.2021 hehe. been slacking since last summer but during the first one and a half years i actually played it almost every day and i even picked up honkai tho i play that a lot less regularily. and i’m excited for honkai star rail!! which is gonna be released in just four days <3

oh oh very true yeah. i’m trans so i’m just not on the best terms with my deadname but i don’t care abt it that much tbh and i can’t decide on a new name so i just give people the option to do that lol. ngl i think the meanings of last names is more interesting... idk it has to do with your inheritage n that’s indefinitely more interesting to me than your parent’s naming choices but it is fun to talk abt name meanings! non-last name meanings definitely are linked to psyghology, especially if you choose them based on meaning yup. funfact my mom should have been named after ‘love’ but her parents accidentally shifted a line down when reading their book of names so now her name means something along the lines of ‘the one with an injured foot/leg’ which.... is not exactly a nice meaning lol but ppl don’t know abt it anyway plus it’s a pretty name so it doesn’t really matter. but it’s a fun little fact i think haha

#☆—`ask #anon: z

[mllemouse]

Tw Idk gender confusion???? I am throwing this here to the void bc I've been talking to myself literally all day and really very often for the last few weeks and maybe if I write it it will becomeore cohesive. On mobile, can't put in a jump so just be forewarned of a deluge.

Tw cancer and surgery and imagined gore!!!

Okay so. J tells me they're non-binary, that's very cool to me, but embarrassing after I told them I go by my first initial online bc I'm an easy Google, thinking they were a basic straight boy. (Also, the main reason I even liked them was bc in their profile they are beautiful and a lil feminine and I am just oblivious as fuck!!) I started going by an initial like 8-10 years ago and since have slowly been changing up my name where possible as I come across a new place it's stored.

Tbh I originally consciously chose an initial bc I just didn't want people immediately judging me as a woman. It infiltrated my personal life some, there are people who just call me L, my ex referred to me as L in all his notes, my mum addresses postcards and packages to me as L, and it's given me a lot of delight! The idea that people don't know my gender, or that they know and choose to continue using the initial has always left me just chuffed. I knew a couple other people that came out and switched to an initial as their name everywhere, but like didn't connect it to myself until J asked about it specifically bc they had a hunch I was also nb. (Honestly, my opening profile line is 'be the love child of Tilda Swinton and Frances McDormand you wish to see in the world' and then the whole profile is me in my glasses and nerd clothes... It's uh, not a stretch now that I look at it.)

I quickly did some refreshing on definitions and language, which punted me straight back to middle school when I hit puberty and started feeling so! Deeply! Uncomfortable! In my body. I used to stand in front of my mirror in my undies and stare in horror at what was happening. I had been wearing a bra since grade 5 out of shame in the girl's changing room for gym, that was less of an issue (I literally threw out those bras when I went to college bc they just got ratty, not bc I grew out of them!), but I watched my hips develop and envisioned having them sawed back down so they could be narrow again. I also got my period in middle school and have loathed it ever since. I wished I was a boy but only for the ease of keeping my body; I didn't want to dress different or change my interests. I wasn't raised in away that dictated male or female activities/interests or even clothing -- except I hated that my brother was allowed to go topless in public whereas I could only do so in a backyard -- yet gender noncomformity, while always accepted, was just not that actively encouraged. Educators told us what to expect during puberty but never that we should tell someone if we were so distraught over it.

I didn't really get much in the way of boobs but I used a tensor bandage as a binder through middle and high school (not even knowing what that was, I just wanted to be flat and saw Gwyneth Paltrow do it in Shakespeare in Love!), I remember sneaking it into my bags for college, but I don't have specific memories of using it then. I was kind of happy with them at figure skating bc I ended up being like the only girl who didn't need a bra or padding in her dresses, my mum just sewed a triple layer of fabric in the front for warmth and I was good to go. I was deeply ashamed of my hips and thighs however, and we got in fights over my skirts all the time.

By the end of high school I was fantasizing about plastic surgery and a hysterectomy. At one point I wished cancer upon myself so I would have an excuse for a mastectomy and hysterectomy. My mum actually got cervical cancer and I was, I'm so sad to admit, slightly jealous.

I came to Tumblr and found the fitblr community quickly after quitting skating and dealing with mono, feeling a need to get back into something competitive. I quickly came to loathe not only my own but other women's bodies through the inspirational photos. I loved the men's bodies, and operated with a goal of getting my body fat low enough (like, aimed for a men's recommended percentage, my period could go to hell) while building muscle that I would maybe narrow my hips and shrink my breasts, while having visibly muscular abs and arms.

I'm not sure if it's a net positive thing that I crashed on my shoulder and haven't been able to fully return to the training I wanted to? After the crash I really tried to treat myself better. The body positive movement was telling me to vehemently love all of my body (nevermind it's almost solely geared towards able bodied cis women), and I tried. And I got distracted: moved away, fell in love, discovered I am probably autistic, made some significant life goals. So by the time I was settled here and feeling like I could experiment more, I channeled that entirely through clothing rather than change my body. First dictated by what's comfy (we don't do a synthetic fibre or picky knits on this body), then by how I wanted to present myself to the world: obv, Tilda Swinton in a suit. By this point I have forgotten middle school, high school, and college.

And basically, though I was somewhat consciously changing my name to an initial and intentionally dressing predominantly masculine (but like blazers and trousers and oxfords aren't... Gendered??) as a rejection of toxic patriarchy and capitalism, I ended up not even thinking it could be a gender thing until J did a double take on my name. I have thought about it occasionally over the years and honestly just never thought I was uncomfortable enough to even say I may be non-binary, let alone do anything about it. trans? I can't feel like I hold any ownership over the word. Which now seems... Insane. How did I rationalize wishing violence upon my body and putting it through truly damaging physical duress for nearly two decades in pursuit of obscuring the stuff that made me female. And don't get me wrong, I love a good dress, I tolerate skirts, sometimes I wear heels bc I like to be tall and feel powerful, and I like my face and my long hair, and sometimes I wear makeup because I think I look pretty even though it makes me want to claw my face off. (And have realised that a LOT of the way I have styled myself in the past was purely self objectification for men and not actually what I enjoyed.) I just... ???? Is that not trans enough? I still don't know!!

Anyway to end on a positive, shout-out to my mum who just doesn't give a fuck abt what I do, as she quickly changed her correspondence to me to exclusively my initial, and has always shopped in the men's section with me, and is currently making me a historically accurate 18th century men's outfit so I can really be the boyish chaos I want to see in the world. Tilda and Frances' love child indeed.

#honestly feel free to respond but pls dont reblog? idk why youd want to reblog this but you never know #and im not claiming any identity yet! just trying to make space for the possibilities

[troglobite]

i filled out a survey abt being a grad student at my university

and it was poorly done bc at no point did they consider WHERE i was geographically, and despite knowing that i’m in the english program they fucking asked me about fucking like. scientific research. and conducting studies.

and also just like. asking questions that need a nuanced answer

“do faculty&admin in your dept treat students with respect?”

well, let’s consider: 1. the professor who has been my cheerleader through everything and is on my committee 2. the professor also on my committee who agreed to do so despite never meeting me bc she’s kind, and has been supportive and forthcoming abt working w my weird situation 3. the admin woman upon whom we ALL rely bc she’s kind and quick and smart and good at her job 4. the interim dgs from last semester who was really kind in speaking to me 5. the prof i’m grading for now who’s professional, kind, smart, a good prof to her students, and gives us a reasonable workload and goes out of her way to make sure we know what we’re doing

and let’s also consider: 1. that first prof’s husband who’s been a condescending and mildly bigoted jerk to a lot of students 2. the woman who was GOING to be on my committee but turns out she actually fucking HATES me and treated me like SHIT in the ONE class i took with her 3. the woman i TAed for last semester who was a bigot, extremely unprofessional, extremely cruel to her students behind her back, and really gave no thought to our workload or our concerns--and also deliberately and knowingly treated me worse bc i was trans 4. other profs that i’ve heard abt, including one that a friend is TAing for, who micromanages her work, badmouths her, insults her to her face, and uses the students in the class to SPY on her

and then let’s also consider: 1. number one from the last list being petty enough to run a Native prof out of the dept bc of a totally normal reasonable request 2. the poetry prof who’s involved w equity diversity and inclusion work that i took a class with who’s pretty kind, but also occasionally just says shit that sucks ass and gives recommendations to students (me) that are??? really insensitive and weird??? 3. the actual dgs who’s like, mostly professional and really dedicated to creating good dept-wide events and info mtgs for students, but completely fucking sucks ass at working with individual students and talks over them all the time but is still okay at his job???

like. i cannot give a yes or no answer to that question, you piece of shit survey.

anyway i actually came here to make a post about this:

part of the survey inquired about your physical mental and emotional health

and there was that typical section that was like, “out of the last two weeks, please rate how often you have felt these ways”

afraid, anxious, can’t stop worrying, finding little to no joy in anything, feeling hopeless, feeling isolated, etc.

normally, when i fill out these surveys and i think about it, i rate them “a few days” or “rarely” or whatever

this is the first survey i’ve taken in a while that’s had these questions and you wanna know what i rated every single one of them?

“nearly every single day”

and that’s the fucking truth. i’m losing sleep, i have no energy, i can’t focus, i’m constantly overwhelmed and anxious, i cry at the drop of a hat, i’m losing my FUCKING mind and i’m so fucking tired. i’m just tired. i’m burnt out and exhausted and i want off this fucking ride. 

and they were like “here are some on-campus resources if you need help” 

and again i’m like MOTHERFUCKER I’M IN A DIFFERENT FUCKING STATE DOING ALL OF THIS REMOTELY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP

anyway i’m fine

[coshayphinelove]

i don't know if you've done this before, but.... HIGH SCHOOL AU

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK

(i have multiple versions of High School included in part in other au’s (dc’s arrow au, hogwarts au, Everybody Is Trans Fuck You au [ all of which i have never posted about really, so feel free to ask abt them *wink nudge* ] ) but i’ll make a whole new one, just for you buddy.)

shay is a jock.  either lacrosse or softball.  everybody knows her.  and everybody loves her.  but she’s got a secret other life that nobody knows about (SHE’S GAY).

cosima is like… not that.  she’s not very popular.  she’s the all-star on the math team.  super into academia.  she’s got her D&D bros who are her math team bros who are her science bros etc etc.

delphine is a transfer student (not exchange bc that means she leaves at the end and FUCK TAHT NOISE).  she’s somewhere in between the two.  she’s a Geek, but she’s on the soccer team.  but she’s not the star of either sports or the class room.

also her being a transfer student is like.. the perfect catalyst.

bc she needs tutoring and help doing her writing assignments bc she’s doing them in her third language.

cosima helps her and they dork out over science assignments

shay and delphine meet at winter training in the gym (they end up as partners bc shay takes mercy on the new kid.)

 after a couple of weeks of training, shay starts to invite delphine to sit with her at lunch.  and after a couple of weeks of that delphine asks if cosima can sit with them (she’s all alone bc her bros have a different lunch.)

after a while they split off from the original jock table to their own table.

they start to hang out all the time.  just bffs.  the three of them is the ideal hangout but most the time it’s just 2/3.  they go to shay’s softball games in the spring and delphine’s soccer games in the fall.  unfortunately math team meets aren’t open to the public.

then it’s junior year.  at a shayphine sleepover shay confesses that she kind of likes cosima.  delphine is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  “YOU WOULD BE THE BEST COUPLE!!! I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE GAY BUT I AM 10000000000000% HERE FOR YOU!!!!!!”

bc cosima came out earlier that year and they were both like…. “we know…..” after being hype 

then it’s prom season and cosima tells delphine that she wants to maybe ask shay to prom.  and without outing her she kind of leans into the suggestion that maybe that’s a Really Good Idea You Should Totally Go For It.

she asks.  but shay is Not Out and Doesn’t Want to be Out so she just says no.  she also implies that she’s not gay.

delphine is ??????????????

and cosima is :(((((((

bc she didn’t really want to ask her out it was just a thought

and everybody’s mad at delphine bc shay thinks she outed her and cosima thinks that she encouraged her for no reason.

a few weeks pass.  delphine has stopped reaching out via sad texts that get no response.  shay and cosima aren’t talking either.  

then cosima, being the easy target she is, gets bullied.  probably something that could escalate, but right then is just words.  shay flies like a bat out of hell onto the scene and puts a stop to it Right There.

they talk for hours in the parking lot in shay’s car after school.  shay comes out and says they can go to prom as long as there’s a third/fourth/etc.  she’s not ready yet.

cosima is 100% okay with that.  just… uh… we should probably talk to delphine.

delphine is mad at them for being mad at her.  and so she’s reluctant to talk to them.  but after a while they come to the conclusion that it was just a failure to communicate.  not some kind of master plan.

they make plans to go to prom together, even though tony has already asked her out (as friends (or maybe more)).

they all look beautiful in their dresses and tony is handsome in his tux.  they dance all night and just Have A Blast.  tony drops them off at cosima’s house (her parents are away for the weekend) and they all crash in cosima’s bed.

they wake up cuddling, which is not normal.  they’re all like “hmmm maybe i like this.

they all pretend to be asleep for a really long time until one of them has to pee.

after breakfast, delphine is waiting for her mom to come pick her up and shay kisses her, just outta no-freaking-where.

delphine is like “im just.. gonna… walk until i meet my mom on the road.

cosima smacks her on the shoulder “WHAT THE HELL OUT OF THE THREE OF US DELPHINE IS THE /ONLY/ STRAIGHT PERSON”

but is she???  delphine has a moment a lot like this where she just goes to her quiet place and thinks.  and by jove, she’s bi.

cosima has been googling.  kind of idly, just delving into the online lgbt+ community and she discovers polyamory.  she doesn’t really think anything of it, a nerd like her can’t even get one date.  

delphine comes out in like.. july while she’s in france.  cosima and shay are having a sleepover and they decided to skype her on a whim.  she say’s “i’m bi and i think i have a crush on both of you” really quick and then like.. fuckin hangs up and logs out.

shay and cosima can’t stop laughing, but also they’re worried.  

they call her back the next day and they talk (delphine talks into her pillow and refuses to show her face the whole time, but... progress)

cosima goes “oh hey coincidentally...”  and gives a little speech on polyamory, just as a subject change so delphine doesn’t feel embarrassed anymore.

shay takes it as a suggestion.  

lots of talking, that last the rest of the summer, happens.

they all got into the same college, so they start there tentatively dating but with the promise they’ll go back to being friends no matter how the dating thing turns out.

send me an au and i’ll give you 5+ (8) headcanons about it

#coshayphine #cosima niehaus #shay davydov #delphine cormier #my fic #headcanons #why do i write so many words? #this is already cut way down #why is this so hard for me? #high school au #also watch hot rod its just a really long shit post

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)