#i can relate to the experience of trying to force urself to envision stuff w a man istg from ages like 10 or so until maybe 14 i would

[menalez]

Idk about anyone else’s experiences but I never dreamed of marrying or holding hands with a guy even as a kid, like??? The thought disgusted me as a child. When I was 11, I was making my Barbie dolls lay on top of each other and also the first time I pictured my teacher topless I felt so horrified and disgusted I literally shut down and a few years later identified as asexual so! That’s my lesbian experience! A lot of guilt and shame, but I never imagined myself with a male character or anything like that even despite it all.

I get some lesbians try to overcorrect and force themselves into a hetero relationship or life, but also I don’t think a woman who pictures a life with a man and has crushes on male celebrities or characters is a lesbian. Idk! Don’t want to gatekeep but I do not relate at ALL to women who are attracted to any man - real or fictional.

i never fantasised about doing that w real or fictional guys but i did TRY to make myself visualise & fantasise about these things but it would just.. never work out how its intended. id just fantasise about a woman in a wedding dress who looks nothing like me (and would imagine her in detail w a clear face n everything) and then like. the man would be in the background like this

if i tried to make myself imagine an actual man (which i did try doing as a teenager bc i was starting to wonder why i could never actually imagine a man), i would just imagine shit like this:

and id end up crying and having a mental crisis over why they always look so ugly and why i cant imagine anything positive about it fhdshfsdh.

but also i was extremely stupid and unaware of my feelings.. i used to write my teacher ms rita poems all the time (when i was 5) and drew myself naked go-karting with my female arch nemesis (when i was 6) and wrote weird homoerotic stories when i was like 9 but i simply explained all of that stuff away to myself until i was in my teen years

#i can relate to the experience of trying to force urself to envision stuff w a man istg from ages like 10 or so until maybe 14 i would #try to do that and fail 100% of the time. #its like. if all around u girls are like obsessing over boys all the time then u feel like u gotta obsess over them too so u do it in the #most superficial way possible just to be able 2 bond w ur female friends somehow