#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

I do not actually know how to say this to people specifically so I am saying it here.

I have somehow made it through this week but I am hanging on by a thread and I don’t know how to ask for help because honestly, this is all my responsibility but also am I allowed to talk about it? I don’t know, I can barely remember to use I for myself at the moment. I’m crying all the time and I feel like I’m doing nothing right and of course people will rightfully get fed the fuck up with me and then my brain yells at me about that and how I’m Not Doing Enough and Wimping Out and Perpetual Victimhood.

Because honestly, at base I should be able to handle and cope with my trauma better and my trauma isn’t that bad are both things my brain tell me that I cannot shake believing.

Because today I read that I deserved to get raped because I tempted men/am from a ‘settler colonial race’ and I can’t. I can’t. And yet I suppose I am. Kind of.

It is a disgusting thing, that it’s just a doll. It doesn’t get to eat or drink when it hasn’t earned it.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.

#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would #genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse) #i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top #of a jewish trauma spike #and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm #does not look great #i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words #(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful) #(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…) #(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it) #(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression) #(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else #abuse cw #i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #this will disappear probably #UGH #(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to) #(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in) #(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need) #(just a bit of grace apologies) #(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that) #(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway) #a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing #(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr) #it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead #and it’s like I can fake it so well #(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people) #to run through the steps of not being alone #i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people #to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person

[mihrsuri]

Some days I am just like ‘I spend so much time checking myself and working out if I’m still doing okay at being a person and like, should I even call people friends? I’m pretty sure that’s abusive on my part, G-d of course people have a right and legitimate reasons to dislike me - I am annoying and it’s more than fine if they need to block me’ that like…it genuinely does not occur to my brain that the opposite can be true.

I mean it, it genuinely does not. My main work is training my brain into that which is why I’m trying not to like, add caveats to posts I make and call people friends because for me specifically posting about the above is a bad spiral (for everyone involved including me)

Also sometimes I’m like ‘I mean my trauma was minor at best/am an attention seeking lying bitch’ and then I have to really remind myself that I am…maybe allowed to be a person like genuinely I have to remind myself of that/that I am allowed to drink water and eat without ‘earning’ it.

(I was thinking about this because okay my CPTSD is bad enough that I cannot work and like, I have worked up until my mid twenties (note the only judgement I will ever have on anyone not having paid employment is my own self judgement because everyone else? It is a bullshit judgemental garbage to think) I have done a lot of “adult” things that I still do but somehow I still feel like I personally am the only abusive burden in the world who should Try Harder)

BRAINS.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #i am absolutely aware i am not perfect! obviously! i’ve just worked out that unfortunately being kind and gentle to myself is…good for other #*people and i guess also me

[mihrsuri]

If we are friends you will have to tell me brcause unfortunately I was trained that any idea I had that someone could be my friend and remain my friend was abusive/manipulative on my part because I was a covert narcissist whose only use was to be a fuck doll. I think I was about five the first time I heard this but meh.

(Bought to you by having to wrangle my brain re re scheduling a call with a friend and yelling THEY WANT TO THEY WOULD NOT TAKE YOU UP ON OFFER IF THEY DID NOT WANT TO. :pokes brain with broom:)

#also the only other reason would be out of pity #be a child prostitution survivor and uh receive many benefits such as beating brain back with broom #i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

This is a big vent

All I can do is hold on, even when my brain screams to not, to shut up it’s a stupid fuckdoll. That is all I can do. I just, I don’t know how to write because all I can hear is all the training that it’s disgusting garbage. That it’s not allowed to have a voice. And I have to try to hold on to myself and it’s so hard tumblr, I’m sorry for dumping this out but it’s so hard. I have sort of realised that I spent a lot of years from I don’t even know but most acutely from 2008-2016(ish) just dissociated the whole time. Like I was doing things, I was Functioning and I was dissociated I was back there and it wasn’t like an hallclucination it was like..I wasn’t in my body I wasn’t a self. I didn’t know what that was I was just Back There and I didn’t know when it was happening but I knew it happened and yet how could I be doing badly I was Functioning! I was a Good Doll! And I look back and it’s just…my eyes were dead and I denied because I had no concept of being allowed to be a person.

And some days some days it’s so so hard and my wrists and hands hurt from chains that have not been there for years and I don’t even know if that’s a thing.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #abuse tw #suicide tw #csa tw #i am holding on though i am #i want to be clear i just…unfortunately talking about it in this way helps #it drains the poison #i need this somewhat less now #but yeah

[mihrsuri]

Brain I just…I need you to give me a break. Or let me sleep at least.

Hopefully making this post will help.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #brain. it will be fine either way. it will be fine. you have moved between countries you can do this if you get #if you don’t that is also fine #you will have permanent secure housing by the ocean by next january #you do not deserve to die #sorry just publically giving myself a peptalk due to both neediness and self accountability #(if I put it out where it can be read then it’s like okay general evidence of Brain Nonsense Being Nonsense Confirmation???) #it is okay to accept help that your parents have offered #you are not a failure perhaps??? for needing???? #(i only think this of myself)

[mihrsuri]

Ways being rich would really help - there are two pieces of clothing I would really like, total $400 (i have to buy none synthetic fabric because my skin is in hell) and I know know this is a ridiculous privilege of a problem but it would be so nice to just be able to buy the clothes straight away and not worry about groceries and bill paying as a result and again, I’m fortunate in so many ways but…I would just like to be comfortable, to be able to commission artists, to get my friends gifts when I want, to buy books and pretty things and tea and travel and not worry about money.

#listen also let me say that having to earn money and earn things via [redacted] also #it really fucks with my brain #i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #(anyway i am going to save up and hopefully still in stock) #trying to build a wardrobe that is Me (soft cottagecore princess) is it turns out #a huge thing for me re Maybe Am Allowed To Be Person Not Doll??? #(it was dressed in skimpy short things it was only for one thing to #be used #it wasn’t anything #(it’s like planning my space for the future permanent housing move in dec/jan) #(i might be allowed to build the home space i #want???? #(actually another thing i would love: interior designer consult) #(because i know my style but like Buying Stuff?????!!??) #(if someone else could curate it that would help)

[mihrsuri]

Some reminders to myself (content note for abuse and suicide)

Your ancestors are proud of you. Probably.

Even if you were lying or making up your trauma you would not be going to hell (you aren’t making it up).

Killing yourself would not be good.

Explaining that yeah you know what CSEM is because that was you. That was how you had sex age four. Child prostitution. And you don’t know how to answer that question someone asked without…yeah. So you don’t (“are you a virgin” fyi)

Actually at my limit.

This month. G-d. Bio father made me.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

It’s like

I’m profoundly deeply triggered by bdsm/kink (particularly dd/lg and stuff to do with doll play) and also cannot have sex because trauma and yet genuinely the kinky people in my life have been so understanding and kind and anyway as someone who has been genuinely trauma by it the problem is not consenting adults who want to do a thing for Sexy (and other and also) Reasons actually. It really is not. The problem is it started when I was five. Like.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #(like genuinely collars/leashes etc are an incredible trigger but that’s just like dirty bathrooms are) #(it’s on me to manage) #abuse cw #(one day i will be able to talk about the csem thing without crying

[mihrsuri]

So @definitely-not-an-alb sort of inspired this with a similar post but like (under a read more because I’m discussing whump and sex slave AUs)

What other people in fandom (mostly) want from Sex Slave AUs is a thousand billion percent legit but uh, I unfortunately do not vibe with that and will be writing sex slave AUs about how horrible it is, the ‘villain loves you and never harms you and keeps you chained up and it’s Awful and you will be bringing them down’ stuff because that is my personal trauma catharsis so uh, apologies in advance because my whump fic does involve rape/sex trafficking/child prostitution because in my case that is what I survived/lived.

#lils fic wishlist #i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

A vent about dental stuff

I made a dentist appointment and okay I think I have to reschedule it because Dissociated Mess but also I’m always going to be but also genuinely I don’t know if I can do this like somehow this whole [CPTSD] thing has gotten so so much worse about medical stuff. UGH.

(I am also very worried about going non verbal so I should probably write down a summary of things. UGH)

(Like I do not know what you do when medical stuff/spaces combine almost allof your worst triggers into one even with the best possible care but)

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #also trying to decide on treat(s) for afterwards if I can afford it

[mihrsuri]

A vent for which there is all the trigger warnings for child abuse.

The thing is, I don’t even think putting out cigarettes on me was that bad. I mean, using a bottle to fuck it wasn’t that bad. It’s just a doll, after all. It’s just a doll.

It isn’t useful anymore so it should put itself out of it’s misery.

(I just..my brain. My brain. My brain and the awful awful antisemitic thing I just saw while browsing online and believe me I have filtered things so so much. I just can’t anymore and I really had to make an effort to use I/me here).

Okay Lil. Just drink your tea and maybe do some fic writing or something and do your grocery order because you do need food even you don’t deserve it.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

I think the thing where I want to delete everything I have ever written and also slipping into thinking of myself as a doll is a sign that this CPTSD flare up is not in fake me faking the whole thing for clout.

(Also yes brain i get you think everything i write is garbage i am tired i just want to be able to sleep without waking up in pain (CPTSD muscle tension + nightmares) and having bitten my tongue)

I’m so sorry for the whining perpetual victimhood. It’s a stupid doll.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

ETA: bagels were apparently not edible I hate everything. Watch me break down crying trying to get it to order food it doesn’t deserve/it hasn’t earned.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #hoping that posting this will result in it actually doing it

[mihrsuri]

So. At the ‘not a person do not deserve food’ stage of CPTSD pain related flare up. UGH. Will get ready and make tea and maybe eat a bagel/do a grocery delivery because no spoons for walking to store.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered

[mihrsuri]

Woke up from nightmare gasping (I don’t scream I just nearly scream) and aching and so I have showered and grabbed a cup of tea and now I will be answering asks to hopefully calm the CPTSD the hell down.

#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered