#i didnt have active antisupport or however you may phrase it but i didnt have active support in being myself

[riverofrainbows]

CW: This discusses a bunch of negative things and experiences, so if you're not in the mood to read that please keep scrolling!

It took me a while to realise this because ive never experienced any typical physical violence or war, and no overt emotional violence either, so in that regard this comes from a place of privilege, but I realised that my life is full of violence in different ways.

On one hand the kind of physical violence that my disability is, with me being harmed by even slight wind for the first few years and living in constant agony because i was/am so fragile that i get constantly harmed by seemingly small everyday things. Added to that ableism when i try to make things a bit easier even if i cant make the problems go away completely, and having to do something knowing that it will injure you.

On the other hand the ones that took me so long to realise. Such as the violence of being an autistic person unaware of your autism and not having any, any at all, other autistic friends and being so lost and feeling so wrong and cut off from the world.

And the violence of not realising you are a trans man until your 20s because you repressed it so far down that you didnt even realise yourself until then. This also couples with me having to get comfortable in being bisexual as a queer woman first, which i also had no positive examples for in my life either. And the struggle with my sexuality in my teens, which i later realised was caused not by that i didnt not like men, i just didnt like being a woman in a relationship with a man, which made me feel incredibly othered.

And the most subtle and insidious one, the violence of what is not there: no close friends, no (and i mean no) representation of trans men, no knowledge about autism (or rather autism beyond the common stereotypes), no one to relate to ever, not even being actually liked by any of your friends. Having such a small, empty existence that you feel empty inside too. I was bullied while in school, but i didnt even do the things i liked nor was myself outside of school either. I didnt support my interests beyond esacpism through books and was constantly in a waiting mode. I didnt have self agency because i was so beaten down i didnt even know where to start and it took me such a long process to develop it, and im still doing that. When i do anything, anything at all for myself that is big news. "I've decided i want to do this thing" was something I'd tell everyone i trust enough about because it was that big to me. And i would talk about it longer than it actually took me to do it, weeks and months in advance. I didnt have more than scraps to built my identity out of, so anything was big. I was so lost in myself, I was drowning and any active decision was a piece of wood i would cling to and gasp for air every once in a while, a change from being apathetic to the lack of air because id gotten so used to it.

I hate that my life is so full of violence, i dont want it like that. I want my life to be soft and full of joy, i want to talk about things that excite me and share my excitement with others and share theirs too. I want to built a better world, and join all the people who already do, and i want to do things that bring me joy. I want to be soft and safe with other people, i dont enjoy being distrustful now. I am naturally very naive and believe in good, and i hate that i had to learn to not be.

And i hate that i didnt even realise all of that was violence for so long, so that i couldnt even fight. I didn't know my experience counted, i didnt know that absence was still violence, and even if i did, i didnt know how to fight it. I tried, but i didnt have any examples.

In so many ways i felt like i wasnt supposed to exist. And im still learning, how to fight and how to actually live my life, and unlearning the feeling that i should not exist, but i am not going away.

I just wish someone had encouraged me to be myself when i was a kid.

#and because there needs to be nuance involved in topics like this: #i also want to add that i am white and culturally christian in western europe and aware that that provides me privilege #own post #actually autistic #trans #trans pride #tw bullying #disabled #disability #identity struggles #this was brought to you by the song 'thank you for the venom' by mcr bringing me to tears #i wish i had had active support in my life #i didnt have active antisupport or however you may phrase it but i didnt have active support in being myself #the only aspect where i kind of did was dancing bc i love it and so do my parents and so they encouraged it actively #but i cant even do that anymore because of my disability #and my parents passively supported me and never put stones in my way but i never got any active support or being taught agency over myself #vent post #cw dark emotions