#but i cant even do that anymore because of my disability

[riverofrainbows]

CW: This discusses a bunch of negative things and experiences, so if you're not in the mood to read that please keep scrolling!

It took me a while to realise this because ive never experienced any typical physical violence or war, and no overt emotional violence either, so in that regard this comes from a place of privilege, but I realised that my life is full of violence in different ways.

On one hand the kind of physical violence that my disability is, with me being harmed by even slight wind for the first few years and living in constant agony because i was/am so fragile that i get constantly harmed by seemingly small everyday things. Added to that ableism when i try to make things a bit easier even if i cant make the problems go away completely, and having to do something knowing that it will injure you.

On the other hand the ones that took me so long to realise. Such as the violence of being an autistic person unaware of your autism and not having any, any at all, other autistic friends and being so lost and feeling so wrong and cut off from the world.

And the violence of not realising you are a trans man until your 20s because you repressed it so far down that you didnt even realise yourself until then. This also couples with me having to get comfortable in being bisexual as a queer woman first, which i also had no positive examples for in my life either. And the struggle with my sexuality in my teens, which i later realised was caused not by that i didnt not like men, i just didnt like being a woman in a relationship with a man, which made me feel incredibly othered.

And the most subtle and insidious one, the violence of what is not there: no close friends, no (and i mean no) representation of trans men, no knowledge about autism (or rather autism beyond the common stereotypes), no one to relate to ever, not even being actually liked by any of your friends. Having such a small, empty existence that you feel empty inside too. I was bullied while in school, but i didnt even do the things i liked nor was myself outside of school either. I didnt support my interests beyond esacpism through books and was constantly in a waiting mode. I didnt have self agency because i was so beaten down i didnt even know where to start and it took me such a long process to develop it, and im still doing that. When i do anything, anything at all for myself that is big news. "I've decided i want to do this thing" was something I'd tell everyone i trust enough about because it was that big to me. And i would talk about it longer than it actually took me to do it, weeks and months in advance. I didnt have more than scraps to built my identity out of, so anything was big. I was so lost in myself, I was drowning and any active decision was a piece of wood i would cling to and gasp for air every once in a while, a change from being apathetic to the lack of air because id gotten so used to it.

I hate that my life is so full of violence, i dont want it like that. I want my life to be soft and full of joy, i want to talk about things that excite me and share my excitement with others and share theirs too. I want to built a better world, and join all the people who already do, and i want to do things that bring me joy. I want to be soft and safe with other people, i dont enjoy being distrustful now. I am naturally very naive and believe in good, and i hate that i had to learn to not be.

And i hate that i didnt even realise all of that was violence for so long, so that i couldnt even fight. I didn't know my experience counted, i didnt know that absence was still violence, and even if i did, i didnt know how to fight it. I tried, but i didnt have any examples.

In so many ways i felt like i wasnt supposed to exist. And im still learning, how to fight and how to actually live my life, and unlearning the feeling that i should not exist, but i am not going away.

I just wish someone had encouraged me to be myself when i was a kid.

#and because there needs to be nuance involved in topics like this: #i also want to add that i am white and culturally christian in western europe and aware that that provides me privilege #own post #actually autistic #trans #trans pride #tw bullying #disabled #disability #identity struggles #this was brought to you by the song 'thank you for the venom' by mcr bringing me to tears #i wish i had had active support in my life #i didnt have active antisupport or however you may phrase it but i didnt have active support in being myself #the only aspect where i kind of did was dancing bc i love it and so do my parents and so they encouraged it actively #but i cant even do that anymore because of my disability #and my parents passively supported me and never put stones in my way but i never got any active support or being taught agency over myself #vent post #cw dark emotions

[bigskydreaming]

I still maintain that if the goal is absolute bad-ass Dick Grayson, the true route to that is not Talon Dick Grayson.

(Particularly because I do think there’s a lot of emphasis on this being an ‘upgrade’ to his competency when he’s historically had no problem nerfing the fuck out of Talons he goes up against, and its also like, it often creates the impression that Dick NEEDS Talon upgrades to be a truly intimidating member of the Batfam that can give any of his family pause, and I’m like.....he’s supposed to be top tier to begin with, and acting like he needs actual meta upgrades often counter-productively layers in the retroactive impression that he WASN’T top tier BEFORE he got the Talon/meta upgrades).

But anyway, as I’ve said before, if absolute bad-ass Dick Grayson is the primary end goal of Court of Owls related fics, the path to that IMO lies not in Talon Dick Grayson or the Court making him their Gray Son....its the Court TRYING to do that to his son (or like, being all progressive and like, we can go with a Gray Daughter, its 2021, its time, y’know?)

I mean, the second THAT happens, its like just stand back and watch Dick crash through their ranks like a human wrecking ball and being like NOOOOOPE, LMAO YOU TRIED IT BUT NOOOOOOPE. I WILL BE TAKING MY KID BACK NOW AND REDUCING YOU TO YOUR INDIVIDUAL COMPONENT MOLECULES IN THE PROCESS, PLZ AND THANK YOU.

Just saying. Dick’s always at his most bad-ass not in defense of himself or in reprisal for wrongs done to him (unfortunately, I mean, I wish we could see more of this but even in a lot of Talon fics that’s not really the aim of them, its more about showing his attempts at re-entering society post-Court than Dick being like, I’m going to enact unholy vengeance on your wannabe ornithological asses specifically in my own name because I’m a person and I resent your trying to de-person me, but like, the point still stands).

Nope, its Dick when in defense of 1) his loved ones, 2) innocents, 3) kids that we see him truly go feral, so like....if you want absolutely batshit feral Dick, you don’t need to make him a Talon, you need to point the Court at an innocent kid who is a loved one and like, just watch him go.

#because also lets be real Im never gonna let go of my State of Aggro and also Suspish about how often Talon fics insist #upon altering Dick's mental state and speech patterns and ability to interact with society with the same degree of competency he's always #had and saying oh thats just how canon Talons are when its actually really not and most canon Talons dont display any of those tendencies #and so there tend to be a lot of not great ableist assumptions/insistences made about how Dick is changed as a Talon #that would be FINE if they were meant as like....actual representation for certain kinds of disabilities or neurodivergencies #instead of just angst fodder that further emphasis Dick as now being Othered by his Talon-ness....which is expressed as a lot of coded #disability stuff instead of even just actual disabilities #also also the Grandmaster bullshit where Bruce or someone else HAS to give Dick orders or else he cant function #because he's been so thoroughly broken by the court that he simply cant exist autonomously/independently anymore #like yeah i know i know people love the angst but look Im just saying it might read differently if the fandom overall were different #but I simply dont trust popular fandom trends enough in the context of like.....what this fandom is like #enough to just give all Talon fics that use these tropes the benefit of the doubt and not see them as a way to justify/actualize #Dick being LITERALLY subject to the whims of the Batfam and reliant on like....them never using that at his expense or simply to prioritize #themselves and their wants over his....when like....thats LITERALLY what so many fandom trends and fics and headcanons #expect and want from Dick in regards to how he interacts with the rest of the fam in EVERY situation..... #like. its a tad convenient how much that plays into so many fandom trends that are usually at Dick's expense....enough so that #nah Im just not inclined to accept it on face value that in all of these cases - despite superficially seeming to do the exact same thing - #its somehow 'different' when Talon fics do it and its for Dick's benefit and to make his stories more interesting instead of just making #Dick more docile and compliant and effectively just....subservient to the rest of his family even while nominally being 'more badass' #anyway. idk. random tangent is random but also related #so in other words: #BUT I DIGRESS

[lunarflare64]

I'm gonna see a new doctor today and I'm very excited because it opens up the possibility of someone actually listening to me, but I'm also fucking terrified because if she doesn't listen I'm back to having no options until a new person is hired AT THE ONLY FUCKING CLINIC IN THIS TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

#scary times for a disabled queer in a country town #lets not even talk about the therapy joint thats employed by the system that likes to shift people around #and doesnt prioritise the town with literally no other options #my psychologists fucking ruined me because THEY WOULDNT FUCKING STAY WITH ME FOR MORE THAN A MONTH #im not gonna say im traumatised by every inconvenient thing that happens to me but if i were to put a name to this it would be trauma #i dont trust psychologists anymore despite a history of being open and honest because theyd all abandon me #i dont even see one even though i need to because i cant go through that again #being ditched by five psychologists in two years can do that to a person

[andragoras-in-vanity]

only children are weird because we been growing up with so many mental illnesses and learning disabilities but no one bothering to try and get you diagnosed because your parents think thats just how kids are.

anyway ill never forgive the adults in my life, teachers especially, who ignored the symptoms that now in my 20s i have to have 'specially diagnosed' and cant afford to, but need on my disability paperwork.

#disability #adhd #depression #anxiety #anyway yeah i can function in this society and yet somehow thats my fault #and to makenit easier on myself because of other disabilities as well i have to deal with everything i struggle with #odsp can kiss my fucking ass theyll give me like what 200 bucks a month when even if i wasnt physically unwell my head would rather i #i kill myself than work retail for the rest of my pife #cause i cant go back to school cause adhd and probably other things and a degree wouldnt get me shit in the workforce anyway #id love to focus on writing but yall kinda got shit taste in books thanks and publishers only uphold about half the contract anyway #i cant do any other hobbies or crafts cause i cant do tech enough to sell online or make it to the post office to ship stuff out #and buying supplies mean GUILT also my body isnt reliable enough to keep a proper stock #i should have a been a lady in the regency era whos only worries are when ill find a rich husband and which books to read #i wasnt made for this lifetime and so far its only been pain #i dont have the strength for anger anymore but it makes me grind my teeth a lot of these issues could have been avoided

[bma-2020]

everytime someone insults audiobooks or picture heavy books (aka comics or graphic novels, which are still storytelling and drawing is fucking hard you boxnobbit) i lose a life

#ITS CALLED IM DISABLED KAREN #fUCK YOU #living in california its largely #’if you dont do this specific thing youre awful!!!’ when reality is I CANT BC IM DISABLED KAREN #i take weeks to read a fucking childrens book bitch audiobooks are easier for those of us who need an app just to read #i dont use the app anymore and im in constant paranoia im fucking up in my replies to people bc i read something wrong #the only reason i dont use the app anymore? a: it costs money now. im poor. b: tumblrs html fucked up and now it doesnt work on tumblr #further proof tumblr tsslf not just its userbase all hate the disabled #you all pretend not to hate the disabled but little things people say and do just show their hatred towards us #like when people make fun of speeches and shit like im sorry i canr ‘talk right’ bitch i have a lisp and a stutter #wanna proadcast that to the world too #when you call people out on it online or irl the defensiveness just raises #like nobody is ever ‘im sorry for being ableist what can i do to improve’ as ive always had to be for everything i say that ive realized was #not even bad people just expect me to apologise for existing and inconveniencing them by being a girl or gender confused potential gender #fluid human or being autistic or hard of hearing or the fact my brain almost exploded #which honestly my brain almost exploding has made me more ‘fuck it’ attitude wise bc i dont care anymore im fucking dying i better live life #and say fuck it to everyone who annoys me #but like if you say ‘well im sorry for being disabled wanna throw that out more’ hey dont apologize ro anything #people just get defensive like ‘i had to help my grandfather with his cathatar im the least ableist human ever bc if it’ #yeah you just bitched abt how disgusting that is karen because you dont need the functions he needs so youre still a bitch #when you speak over disabled people youre a piece of shit end of #dont try to argue your way out of it youre not all margot robbie flaiming to he the epitome of existence while erasing a characters speech #issues and her hatred of murderers just so she worships the ground you walk on youre not all fucking rich ppl bitching abt their disabled #baby just grow the fluff up jesus #i havent seen this on my dash today yet but the days still young and ive only just started my energy drink requirements of the day to not #scream the whole time so #lack if painkillers means bee is her usual will be kind to those kind to her self but also will scream at the slightest sign od bullshit #out. #tbd

[traaanskimkitsuragi]

alright im giving up on 7c fuck this

#ive finally caved i cant do this #like legitimately genuinely i physically cannot #not because of my hands or my reaction time though those are definitely an issue #but because of my eyes #the camera moves so quickly and its just. *constantly* moving and i literally cant make out anything #everything is so blurry #this has been an issue the entire time but i could always get past it #because the screens were either short enough or allowed me to pause for enough of a nanosecond for me to make out where i am #with this one i genuinely cant make out the graphics #its so long as well........... #like its been 3 hours and i really really really dont like it so why should i continue putting myself through it #i turned on assist mode and finished it with invincibility in the end #i almost had a thousand deaths as well which like. shows how long i kept trying #i want to say its not the games fault but i dont know anymore. the lack of any checkpoints kind of feels like bad design #because the difficulty curve up until this point was so good #but all of a sudden its like. skyrocketed #it especially stands out because the final room/screen in 6c did have a checkpoint #i kept trying and trying and trying for so long because i thought if i could push through the frustration i would get it but #i am now realising that like. no im just not going to. this sucks man this sucks so much i hate being disabled #im legitimately so sad like it sucks to realise u set a goal for urself that u physically cant achieve even tho the average person could do #it w enough time and practice. and i just cant bc god nerfed my visual processing ability #:/ #ill still *try* 8c and farewell #if the camera isnt this insane ill be able to get through them #its specifically the constant fast movement thats throwing me off which i know not all the hard stages have so

[tricksterbxtch]

i am so sick and tired of working. completely unironically i simply do not want to work anymore. i’m exhausted, i never sleep, i hate waking up at all, i don’t get paid enough, and i don’t have time to enjoy anything. but no matter how much i want to just quit i can’t, because i’m not allowed to simply exist in this capitalist nightmare. i have bills to pay, and pets to feed, and i’m not allowed to be mentally ill and physically unwell and wishing i wasn’t alive. i’m tired. i’m done. and i still have to get up and go to work.

#asi rants #delete later #venting #personal shit #suicidal ideation #i guess #im sorry to whoever sees this i just #im at my fucking limit man #i cant fucking do this anymore but i have to because who's going to take care of my cats? #how is my gf going to afford rent? #i cant even qualify for disability #im literally so stressed out and depressed that im on the verge of throwing up #i just dont fucking want to do this anymore #but no one is going to help me and its not going to magically be alright #i dont have a single marketable skill to make anything worthwhile #i wanted to stream and make vids but my laptop is a pos #tried upgrading the RAM and ofc thats not the problem its my fucking hard drive #i just want one thing to fucking work out yknow? #i am convinced by now that i am destined to be miserable forever

[narwa]

not to be a doomer but i've got a feeling we're not on the last stretch

#spoken #negative. im doomposting of course its negative #vaccines my ass. believe me id love to get stabbed if the government wasnt so fucking incompetent. theyre planning to let us back into #schools fulltime when like? not even a quarter of the population is vaccinated? and also everyone is fucking stupid and people are goinf to #parties and celebrity funerals (hi krawczyk your death caused a superspreader event) #a 4th wave is predicted and im very sure its gonna happen #of course its not like. india tier of a shitfest but. we have to pretend everything is 'going back to normal :))' when there were more #consistent cases a day than ever. we're just supposed to fucking ignore how in this country alone millions are now disabled for life and #thousands are dead. my mother cant think properly anymore. she forgets everything she put on two different shoes to work the other day she #stops midsentence and blanks out and cant remember what she was doing moments ago. my uncle has to sleep sitting up or he will suffocate. he #cant fucking breathe anymore. my classmates lungs are fucked. we are forced to pretend its not going to affect them forever because #the government decides that even though its worse than ever its a great time to reopen. yeah sure. #its literally never going away. i have selfishly gone out maybe twice in the past year with 2 people at most and i still felt like i failed #everyone. my medical treatments were postponed because of c0vid. i wasted about half the time in my dream school to c0vid. #it mutates and its going to come back over and over again. ill never go see people on my own volition. the government will pretend its fine #the second the cases drop every time. the numbers will climb. the vaccines wont be effective on new strains. stupid wastes of air will #continue to disregard the fucking rules to Not Kill People and make this bs last longer. if you go out i hate you. if you can go out without #the dread of it possibly being deadly ro someone i hate you. i hate you so so much and its fucking unfair that people who do the right thing #are forced to do it even longer while the pieces of shit get to complain about feeling trapped (guess what! not only you! get some fucking #self control and stop choosing ur petty comfort over actual human lifes! we are tired too!) and further prolong the whole ordeal #it just. it feels like nothing will ever be okay again

[800-dick-pics]

🛑HELP TWO BLACK AND LATINE DISABLED UNEMPLOYED LESBIANS AVOID HOMELESSNESS!🛑

THIS IS INCREDIBLY URGENT!

Some of you know, my partner and I have been trying to raise funds to move from a toxic unstable and unsafe environment for the past year+ and we've made a post before but unfortunately we had to postpone it due to needing to put our immediate survival first. Weve attempted to move once before, In December of 2020 my partner and I were stranded in my home state of California by someone who we thought was our friend, we were depending on them to help us move to safer housing but after we were too poor to afford the things we needed, they immediately accused us of lying and trying to harm them. They were violently anti black and ableist to me durring this whole time, they drove off with our belongings and only agreed to give them back if law enforcement were present, proceeded to lie and tell the police that I was armed (I CANT even legally own firearms) and they feared for their life. They were trying to get my black disabled neurodiverse self k!lled by the anti black ass state.

We've had a whole year of struggling to survive, we barely keep ourselves fed, we're unable to properly tend to our healths and Im constantly battling with recurring trauma due to being trapped here with my long time abuser. The time has come for us to leave from this truly unrelenting, unstable, unsafe and toxic ass environment because we are being forced to do so and have no other choice. I just want to leave so I can finally heal and properly tend to various needs instead of just barely scraping by and ignoring other needs which are often urgent.

Most of my urgent needs have to do with my health because for the past 2 years since the beginning of the pandemic I've had to quit my job due to being immunocompromised and at risk of death from Covid. I've had to Essentially abandon any healthcare i was receiving because of lack of funds and stability, Which has severely prevented me from caring for myself. Many times when I was by myself and throughout this time with my partner, I've had to prioritize other aspects of my survival while my health took a back seat. With regards to my chronic illness and disabilities, My Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and postural orthostatic tachycardia (POTS) have worsened; chronic pain, fatigue, shakes and seizures along with being prone to fainting and sudden weakness have left me practically bed and house bound due to the inability to get proper medical care due to lack of funds, medical racism and inaccessibility of transportation.

As such, i cannot keep putting this off and continue suffering with things as they are, this past October my symptoms and pain have gotten even worse, its gotten harder to complete daily tasks without requiring assistance from my partner all while going through my medicine much quicker than I used to just to be able to manage with my symptoms. I fear that if this continues I will end up hospitalized and it will be too late to properly treat my new neurological conditions. This why we need to move from here, holding off on this is not an option we need to act now while we still have a chance. Life here is not a life I can live with anymore. We both require safe and secure housing with room to live and thrive where our needs are being more than just met. We have an opportunity for better but we have to act quickly!

After months of searching, negotiating and battling with questions from an abuser who wants me gone, my partner and I have established an opportunity for housing in early February of 2022. While we are beyond excited and hopeful for the future, the fact that it took so long in the year for us to find housing has left us with a very short window to raise funds. After running calculations of moving and travel costs, we estimate that a target goal of $6500 is required in order to cover everything we need to move. Which is going to include a lot of shipping things.

My Partner and I understand that is a lot to ask for but we are unable to raise all the funds by ourselves due to being disabled and unable to work. Much of my partners new focus has been on caring for me through this time bc of my declining health. If you would like to help we need to reach this goal by the end of January. We WILL be forced to leave underfunded and under prepared which will result in us losing most of our posessions. We're going to have to leave so much behind if we do not meet this goal. My abuser has made it clear we are NOT welcome here past January. They are forcing us out and we have no other option. However, we have faith that our community will want to help us and see us thrive!

We have other posts circulating around Tumblr with regards to our immediate day 2 day needs, but we need this post to be widely circulated. If you've read through all of this (thank you!) And would like to help us boost and/or donate to our goal please leave the word "Osa" in the note when paying either of us via our cashapps and venmos so we know to put it in our savings for the move!

PLEASE HELP IN GETTING DISABLED AND CHRONICALLY ILL QTPOC TO SAFETY!!! YOU WILL BE SAVING OUR LIVES!!!!!

OUR PAY LINKS :

Cashapp: $sleepyhen OR $grumblybear

Venmo: @/wildwotko OR @/XochiRose

#mutual aid #emergency donations #crowdfunding #signal boost #donation post #qtpoc #please spread this #its dire here #pls help!

[dyketubbo]

not to be fucking insane but i think one of the reasons romantic and queerplatonic beeduo fanworks get to me so bad is that like. theyre both disabled, and theyre both in love.

ranboo has shit memory and he cant deal with water and he dissociates and panics and hallucinates and hes delusional and he cant look most people in the eyes and every night he desperately hopes he doesnt do things that he'll forget in the morning. tubbo has firework scars that likely effect his hearing and vision and motor control and readings hard for him and words mix up in his head and he has battle scars all over him and he goes mute when stressed and when he panics he shuts down completely and every night he desperately hopes that he'll get one night where he doesnt dream of fireworks and betrayal and blades and dictators and suits that smell like alcohol and war and executions and family that doesnt look or act like themselves anymore.

and every day, theyre there for each other, and for their son. they hold each others hands and marvel at the size difference. they headbutt each other affectionately and even though tubbo hates hugs he hugs ranboo tight because ranboos the exception. they call each other petnames and flirt and giggle over inside jokes and stay up late just to talk to each other, knowing both of them have reasons not to sleep yet. they raise their son together and go on walks and accommodate for him just as they accommodate for each other. they blow kisses across the room when others arent looking and play footsie under tables and behind peoples backs they play charades until they feel like theyre about to burst into laughter. ranboo rubs cream onto tubbos scars when he neglects to and tubbo always has an enchanted helmet or umbrella on hand just in case and ranboo travels and gets as many totems as he can because he knows tubbos too lax about his own life and tubbo holds ranboo close when the latter panics and brushes his hair with his fingers as he tells ranboo theyre safe and nothing can get them. and for the first time in months, they both believe it. they stick with each other on days where one of them cant get out of bed and they love and love and love.

and yes, its not as if that cant be reached in platonic relationships, but. as someone whose disabled (mentally mostly, but chronic pains a bitch and the days where my own body locks up and refuses to let me get out of bed because its too much are rough), the message that disabled people can be loved romantically and queerplatonically and can be married and have children (disabled children at that, who will grow up and know that theyre loved and can be loved too), can find partners that understand and dont treat them as abnormal and accommodate for them, thats important. tubbo and ranboo learning that they dont need to be fixed, but that they want to be loved and are, thats important. that sort of message, that disabled people can be spouses and parents and friends and family and lovers and fighters and workers and can be loved and loved and loved and loved, thats important. especially for queer disabled people (especially queer disabled youth, who will grow up with this media). romantic/queerplatonic beeduo resonates with me a lot, and while ultimately ill respect the decision if suddenly the ccs come around and say its strictly platonic, i wanna bask in them being something else instead. that kind of rep is important, even if its in some minecraft roleplay.

#long post #beeduo #tubbo #ranboo #dsmp #mask mews #ask to tag i suppose but theres definitely things here that im not willing to trigger tag so. plph #not much else to add i just. them #its rare to see fictional disabled people in relationships that i like even more so where both characters are disabled #so beeduos very special to me lol #amaryllis analyzes

[homotaschen]

Happy trans awareness week! Please don't let this post flop again!

I'm a chronically disabled jewish trans man. I just had top surgery and a total hysterectomy on Oct 20th. I was feeling great at first, but I had some complications that were minor enough that they aren't life-threatening, but it now hurts to perform a lot of basic tasks. I lost my last job due to covid, and I cant work while I'm recovering because even ignoring my complications I'm literally not allowed to lift more than 5-10lbs max.

Ever since I got home from surgery, I've been having localized seizures in my arms and I have no idea why. I didn't realize thats what they were until I talked to my family about it and they told me to see a doctor. And, on top of ALL this, i just found out I might loose my foodstamps too.

My original GFM never met its goal, I have NO gas money to get to my doctors appointments, and now I probably wont have any money for food either. If you can't afford to donate, please share. I literally dont know what to do anymore lol

Heres my GFM

V/nmo - @jorieljay

C/shapp - $jorielj

#tdov #trans day of visibility #trans awareness month #trans awareness week #transgender #trans man #trans masc #transmasculine #ftm #top surgery #hysterectomy #gender affirming surgery #gender affirmation surgery #mutual aid request #mutual aid #donations #idk what other tags to add im just desperate at this point lol

[teeth--eater]

dont think im gonna use this scene, and its a shame to go to waste, so heres a deleted scene from ranboos interlude :] its completely unedited, so. you know. mispellings abound. im not very good at spelling

Tubbo smiles at him when he walks in, gestureing him to sit next to him. Ranboo smiles back, a bit timidly, and takes the seat to the left of Tubbo, leaving the late crewmate's seat empty.

A plate is set down in front of Ranboo by Phil. Ranboo thanks him queity and starts eating. He's been especially hungry these past few days, all this stress is starving him. Phil gives him an amused look at his hunger and Ranboo makes an effort to slow down.

"So, what does the ICA have you doin' Ranboo?" Tubbo asks, breaking the silence and making Ranboo jump a little.

"Here?" Ranboo squeaks. Tubbo laughs.

"Yeah here," Tubbo says.

"Oh, I'm really just here to make sure you guys arent like...criminals? Or at least not putting Tubbo in any danger."

Phil's wings puff up slightly.

"Why are they sending (I)you to check for danger?" Phil says, voice suddenly hard. Ranboo looks down, embarrassed.

"Oh, not like that Ranboo," Phil says hurriedly. "I just mean, why would they send a student to make sure another student is safe? That would put both of you in danger."

Ranboo picks at his food.

"Well, uh- I kinda couldn't say no? Like- I could have, but if they told me later that I had said yes I wouldve belived them, you know my- my memory. Besides I- I dont do super good in my classes and they-"

Ranboo takes a breath and hopes the others dont notice how his voice is shaking.

"I think they wanted me out of the way." Ranboo says thinly. The table is silent, but Ranboo doesn't look up from his food to see their expressions. Horrror slowly rises into panic. (I)Why had he said (I)any of that? They didn't ask for his life story!

Wilbur stands up, slamming his hands on the table and stomping away. Ranboo sinks further in his seat, wanting to sink into the ground and disappear. Techno makes a strange huffing sound that Ranboo is (I)pretty sure means anger, and clears his throat. Ranboo looks up at him warily. The captain's wings are partially spread behind him, though he doesn't seem to be aware of the threat display.

"You dont deserve to be taken advantage of, Ranboo," Phil says sternly, then lets out a frustrated hiss. "Fuck me, once it gets out that the school is using disabled students as their canon fodder there'll be an uproar."

Ranboo shoots to his feet.

"No! The school has good people, I'm just- I'm stupid, a waste of resources-" Phil rises too, almost comically shorter than the enderian, though his wings are fully expanded, each tip nearly brushing the opposite walls in the dining room. Ranboo shrinks back.

"Who is telling you this?" Phil asks, deadly calm. Ranboo's tail curls around his leg nervously.

"No one," Ranboo whispers. Phil steps forward.

"Ranboo, what is going to happen to you when you go back?"

Ranboo breaks.

"They're going to kick me out," Ranboo chokes out, hands coming up to hide his face. "I dont- my haunting kicked me out too- I was- I couldn't hunt because I got lost and- and I couldn't do (I)anything right! I wont- I wont have anywhere to go."

"Ranboo, I'm going to talk to the school," Philza says, though the threatening undercurrent in his voice tells Ranboo there will be a little more than talking involved with that interaction. "We can figure this out, okay? Responsible adults may not be a concept you're used to, but you dont even have to worry, we'll handle it."

Ranboo takes deep breaths, trying to steady himself. He fails, his breathing is shuddering and too-fast, but he's still breathing, so he counts that as a win.

He might not be in a little bit if the embarrassment of what he'd just admitted kills him first, which is looking increasingly likely.

Ranboo looks in Phil's eyes, ignoring the immediate longing to break eye-contact, and sees nothing but honesty there. He nods.

"Okay."

__________________________

He tries to retreat back to his room after that, but is pulled out of his plan of moping with his head under a pillow by a hesitant knock on the door. Ranboo sighs deeply and gets up to answer it. It's not like he can ignore any of the crew, but he's had a pretty rough day and breakfast is barely over. Can't he just be left alone.

"It's bullshit that people take advantage of something you cant control," Wilbur says, voice steady. "Write down everything you want to remember as soon as it happens. People wont be able to lie to you anymore."

Ranboo opens the door to see Wilbur, and winces internally, wondering what he had done to upset the phantling this time.

"Hi Wilbur," Ranboo says nervously. Wilbur's tail is flicking, and he isn't looking at Ranboo, but he holds something out to the enderian all the same. Ranboo takes a step back, thinking, a bit hysterically, that it's a bomb of some sort.

With that vague statement, Wilbur walks back to the main body of the ship, leaving Ranboo staring after him. Once the phantling is fully gone, Ranboo turns around and sits at his desk.

Ranboo takes the book from Wilbur's hands, a bit shaky. He flips the pages open, revealing hundreds of pages of lined paper. He looks back up at Wilbur, eyes wide.

"This is for me?" He asks, awed. Wilbur nods, still looking a bit uncomfortable. The phantling closes his eyes and pushes his ears back, a gesture of apology if Ranboo is remembering right.

"I'm sorry I've been so... dickish." Wilbur says. "I- I've got a lot to protect."

He writes the date, the time, and then 'Wilbur gave me this journal and apologized'.

He stares down at the writing. The knowledge that he will be able to recall this fact, this thing that happened is... new. It's good.

Maybe really (I)can get better.

_________________

and cut! far too soon for resolution, weve got quite a bit more angst to slog through before we see the shore,

#human error #my writing #mcyt #dreamsmp au #dsmp #dsmp au #ill use tags for the bigger posts #ableism mention

[aro-culture-is]

hey im looking for advice here, dont feel obligated to answer this :)

im already in a romantic relationship and recently came out as ace to my gf and she was cool with it. but now im questioning if im aro aswell.

i dont think i want a romantic relationship with her anymore, but i still definatly want a close platonic one. my problem is that i cant tell if im aro or just dont love *her* romantically anymore. she's the only person ive really ever wanted a romantic relationship with, and even then im not sure if i was even romanticly attracted towards her. i already knew she had a "crush" on me, and looking back my feelings towards her and any past "crushes" felt fabricated or... dull? like i was *suposed* to feel something, or when i did im wondering now if it couldve just been craving close platonic affection.

im nd and out relationship has been extremely draining in the past, and also makes it hard to tell platonic vs romantic feelings in the past because i have a hard time describing past feelings

thank you for read :) i hope this isnt a bother to answer

hi,

i've been in a similar though different situation (same for everything except i also knew i was aro going into it and... thought we were on the same page on that too), and i'm mostly going to lean on my communication agenda and that experience to respond to you.

putting the facts into an order i think is important, based on your explicit statements: this relationship is draining for you. you don't think you want a romantic relationship with her, though you do want to maintain a close platonic relationship with her. you're nd and can have a hard time describing past feelings - and i wouldn't be surprised if that also occurs with current feelings.

(big mood, but 3 years ago)

I found that this ultimately meant I had to work on finding a way to safely express my feelings - that we should break up, and that I would like to remain close friends with my now-ex gf. for me, this was hard - I was balancing mental health for both of us, plus academic lives, and a long-distance situation. I ultimately decided that I had to initiate this conversation, and spent some time trying to take a step back and think of how she'd likely respond. Be cautious if you're prone to anxious thoughts - try to check in on what reactions you've seen them have and if this is actually similar. from there... honestly, you have to talk.

physical safety comes first: there is no universally wrong way to break up, imo. I don't know anything about your gf, so please don't be mad if i'm assuming the worst - my ex, while generally sweet, had severe problems with emotional regulation in situations like this, and in a disabled with trauma way. i recognized that she could, in a physical meeting where we were too close, respond with physical violence before she had time to process that urge. I chose to break up with her while at a physical distance, and near my car. For some people, physical safety is a necessary concern for their own self. i've also known a breakup where my concern was the physical safety of the other individual - in that case, follow a similar plan as to below, but for that individual.

emotional safety is next. if you can, let supportive others know beforehand that you're breaking up. friends, family, therapists, etc. it doesn't have to be the whole crowd, just whoever feels important and available. make sure you have some kind of set up that allows you to go to a safe place to feel your emotions, take a deep breath, and begin to move forwards afterwards. even if it's mutual, you probably will have some feelings to work through, and that's normal.

finally... I want to have a real moment. My ex and I talked so many times, for so long, about how we were going to remain friends if we broke up, and nothing would stop us from ensuring that happened. We haven't talked since I broke up with her. It happens sometimes. Try to have realistic expectations, and recognize that it might take a few weeks for emotions to return to a more baseline level between you - and if you haven't heard back, but haven't explicitly been told to fuck off, I'd say 2-3 weeks is an appropriate time to reach back out.

this is.... long. but i hope it helps to provide some perspective, address some scenarios that can be important to consider, and ultimately, provide a broad guideline for the process of breaking up with hopes of continuing friendship.

i hope this helps. more posts like this exist in the #advice tag.

mod kee

#Anonymous #not aro culture #not aro #like we're both aro or questioning #but honestly i don't think that's important to your immediate situation here #so i'm primarily filing this under #advice

[marunalu]

Bakugou having a mental disorder that makes him bully and hurt others is interesting but I doubt you belive this to be true since that makes hating on him for his actions against Izuku discrimination on grounds of a mental disability. A mental disorder means that his actions are beyond his control. Mental health isn't an exact science since there are too many variables hence why there is no definite cure for them. It's a bad idea to make him unwell. He should be accountable not given an out

The only “mental disorder“ I believe bakugou has in my honest option is his superiority complex. And thats not really classified as a mental disorder so I put it into “ “.

And to have such a mental problem is no excuse for his actions towards others. Bakugou is just an asshole most of the time, simple as that. There is nothing deeper about him! His stans come up with the most ridiculus theorys to justify bakugous actions and so they can ship him with his lifelong victim, because they dont want to face the fact that shipping an abuser with his victim is just plainly wrong and it really worries me that I have to say that in the first place, because that should be common sense!

There are enough people out there with an superiority complex who dont abuse and insult others or constantly scream bloody and murder if things dont go the way they want! Bakugous mental or personality problems are his own and nobody else should suffer because of it, just because he himself cant control himself or doesnt want to get help to learn how to control it. Lets be honest bakugous parents should have dragged him to a therapist the moment he startet to scream “DIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!“ towards other people, because thats NOT a normal behavior for a kid. The moment bakugou startet to show his anger issues and that he was hurting other children with his quirk, mitsukis and masarus alarm clocks should have go on. Both of them completly fucked up in this regard, but at least mitsuki is fully aware now that she and her husbands made grave mistakes and she is not spoiling him anymore. Her son is a brat and an asshole! I get that japan has a “pride mentallity“, meaning they usually dont do something that can hurt their own or the familys pride, because for japanese people thats more terrible then death - but sorry if I had a son that is aggressive almost 24/7, hurts other kids, insults adults, shows zero respect to others and screams “DIIIIEEEE!!!“ 10 times a day - you can BET I would drag his ass to therapy out of fear he could indeed murder someone! And every parent should do that if they realize something is wrong with their child (bakugous bad character traits), no matter the nationality or culture! Im pretty sure most japanese parents wouldnt feel pride if their child hurts or even murders someone else - so fuck off with the pride bullshit and fucking help your kid getting a grip on himself!

Sorry for the rant btw and that my answer got a little out of hand 😅

#anti bakugou #anti katsuki bakugou #anti bakudeku #anti bkdk

[surpriserose]

has anyone asked for a live action part 7 yet?

HELLO HI NO THEY HAVENT AND I AM FINALLY GETTING TO THIS UNDER THE CUT <3

Johnny is evan peters i casted evan as someone else at some point i know but listen hes got the perfect babyface for johnny and he cries so so much on American horror story and the tumblr girls will love him they will say he has so much gay energy despite being so so SO straight. Gyjo only has chemistry here as like...residue from canon

Gyro...can i...can i cast bo burnham as gyro like he does a lot of acting and hes a comedian and also i dont really like him and i dont think it fits at all so <3 i think gyros still italian they just dont care enough to make bo burnham do an accent...also he just kind of looks bored the whole time he cant pull off gyros jokes let alone his serious and asshole moments

Hot pants im so sorry they have to be hailee steinfeld because i hate her so much she is taking so many wlw roles despite going to hillsong it makes me soooo mad im so normal <3 so she might as well try and fail to play a nonbinary icon too <3 i was going to make gyro a woman because even Hollywood executives can't deny gyjos chemistry and have female gyros plot be about ooooh im disguising myself as a man because women are oppressed and im gonna take my helmet off and show off my beautiful blonde hair when i win for #girlpower instead of marco and stuff but then i realized theyll just do that with hot pants so they can keep the brokeback mountain jokes. Everyone talks about how progressive this is

Diego has to be whoever the hottest bri'ish guy is right now WAIT kit harrington is not the new hot bri'ish dude right now but he used to be and he was never very good at acting outside of game of thrones where he just kind of had to look miserable which was easy because it was game of thrones. He cannot be anywhere near as fun as canon diego he says puns like he wants to die and never smiles

Lucy is millie Bobby brown because like thats the only young actress i really know anymore im sorry 😭 i think she can pull it off i mean lucy is a good character and shes a good actress....but that doesnt matter they've aged lucy up to 18 so she can be johnnys love interest and thats kind of all she is because gyro isnt an option obviously our cowboys cant be gay and dinopants is canon here and rina doesnt exist :( also lucy is definitely a major damsel in distress the whole time but Shes still marketed as a strong female character

Funny valentine....im gonna be self indulgent here i really liked knives out and i want to see Daniel craig doing a terrible southern accent again <3 i dont think they direct him to do that he just does it because he wants to <3 also hes the right age range so <3 i think he would appreciate being a villain just like...wish it was any other villain king

Pocoloco is not a main character BUT he gets to be here because i was stuck by inspiration....hes played by kevin hart So they greatly expand his role even though kevin hart is just playing himself

Other notes

Everyone lives and they have an epilogue where you see johnny and lucys, hot pants and diegos, and gyro and some original character ladys kids playing in their respective lawns or something

Hot pants is probably named something like harriet now but like they have someone catcall her and call her hot pants and she stands up for herself its a real #girlpower moment

The horses are cgi since animal handlers probably have a union

There has to be a dream sequence where slow dancer and valkyrie start talking to johnny and gyro i know it and i know its got adult cartoon humor and animation...one of them is voiced by john mulaney

Johnnys disability is handled way worse than canon

Jesus is here so its not a netflix production its a pureflix production

Add your own <3

#Jjba #Fancast #Steel ball run #Johnny joestar #gyro zeppeli #Lucy steel #Hot pants jjba #Diego brando #Funny valentine #Ask to tag #Im soryry

[nova-bos]

Hello. This is not something I would do unless I really needed help. I started a GoFundMe; I suffer from schizoaffective disorder and its absolutely crippling. I'm applying for disability but that takes a long time and especially at my age its going to be an even longer process.

I cannot afford therapy, and I'm about to lose my insurance so I won't be able to afford my medications and I NEED my meds. I can't hold a job because my hallucinations are severe, and I'm in psychosis almost every day. I barely have money for food or basic necessities anymore.

Please, if you can afford to donate a few dollars anything is greatly appreciated. If you cant donate, please share this post and my link so I can get the help I need. Thank you so much for your time.

#gofundme #schizoaffective #mental heath support #mental health #psychosis #gofundmedonations #in need of help