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unholy-reids · 8 months

Text

Dilaudid

Summary: Spencer’s life spirals out of control when his dilaudid addiction collides with Gideon’s departure, but he has you to look after him. (Based on Season 3 Episode 3 and previous episodes depicting Gideon’s resignation as well as Reid’s drug addiction.)

Warning: So many… Mentions of drug use and unaliving, some fluff, snappy behavior, vulnerability, idk man, just don’t click if you’re a sensitive to those topics.

Also if you or someone you know has a drug problem or thoughts about not existing anymore, don't hesitate to call any of the hotlines, Help is available, don't forget you matter. ♥️

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

WC: 2.5k

dividers by @cafekitsune <3

Spencer,

I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me.

You must be frightened, I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain. But then I also never envisioned writing this letter. I've searched for a satisfactory explanation for what I'm doing, all I've come up with is: a profiler needs to have solid footing. I- I don't think I do anymore. The world confuses me. The cruelty, indifference, tragedy.

When my dear friend Sarah was murdered, it tore a hole in me, and I truly believed the way to handle the pain was to get back to our work as quickly as possible. Get on to helping somebody else. I thought I could handle Sarah's murder, work through it…

…I no longer trust myself in the field. And without that, I have nothing.

And that was the last domino. The death of that girl. Hotch being suspended over something that was my fault. I said at the beginning of this letter, that I knew it would be you to come up here. I'm so sorry the explanation couldn't be better, Spencer.

And I am so sorry that it doesn't make more sense, but I've already told you, I just don't understand any of it anymore.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just looking for it again. For the belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right.

The belief in happy endings.

The letter was devastating, Spencer felt alone, the one man in his life that was like a father to him disappeared without a trace, just like Spencer’s dad, Gideon left a letter, even if it didn’t make sense at the time. Hotch was still suspended, and the entire team was now under scrutiny by Strauss and a board of higher ups, but the cases never stopped coming in, the team was on their way to another case, Spencer was by himself on one side of the jet, looking over the file JJ had given him earlier this morning, Prentiss, Morgan, JJ, and you were all briefing each other on the current case you had to work on, the bastard was killing people based on their phobias.

Atop the file Reid was rereading Gideon’s letter, trying to make sense of it, flashbacks of Gideon’s empty cabin and finding the letter addressed to him were vivid in his mind, the craving for dilaudid was coursing through his veins, he could feel himself itch. “Hey,” Your soft voice interrupted causing him to shift in his seat and put away the letter, “Are you okay?” You knew it was a dumb question to ask, but you were genuinely curious to pick at his brain and find out how he really felt, silent Reid was very uncommon, he was your friend and you cared, even though you saw him as much, much, more. Reid gave you a dim smile. “I’m fine,” taking your bottom lip in between your teeth, you reached over to touch his hand, his big brown puppy dog eyes looked at yours and you could see the pain and confusion behind them.

“You don’t have to go through this alone, Reid.” You offered, his brows knit together, “I don’t need you to profile me y/n, it won’t end well, and you can’t possibly know what I’m going through.” He snapped, it made your heart hurt slightly, but you backed off, your crush on the beautiful genius grew each day you got to know him, and seeing him this broken just didn’t sit well with you, or anyone on the team. “Don’t push him, let him come to you,” JJ said, when you sat back down, she was the only one who knew about your feelings for Reid, you wondered if the rest of the team knew, not that you cared.

“I know, it’s just sad to see him that way, he’s closed himself off to all of us,” You glanced back at Spencer, who went back to reading the letter Gideon left him shamelessly leaving the file wide open in front of him.

Upon arrival and working the case, there were little words shared between boy wonder and yourself unless it had to do with the case, being the only ones without assignment, Prentiss sent you both to speak to the family of the unsub, just to see what you could dig up working as a team, you drove while Spencer rode next to you, several times you looked over to him, his red rimmed eyes from lack of sleep and crying was carving a hole around your soul, you cleared your throat. “Spence,” You began. “I know I’m new to the team, and I have absolutely no words to make you feel better, if I could remove the pain however, I would, don’t be afraid to take some time—.”

He looked at you, cutting you off, “Are you saying I can’t do my job?”

“No! No, God no, you’re the smartest person I ever met, if there’s anyone who can do this job with his eyes closed is you, I just want you to know that you can trust me, with anything, and if you need time to heal, it’s okay…”

He looked far ahead, not wanting to look at you. “I also had Gideon, look at how that turned out.” He snapped back. You tried your best to not let your emotions get the best of you. “I’m just saying you’re not alone Spence,” You looked over at him, he was already staring at you, and even if it was for a few seconds, it made your heart thump loudly in your ears, “The team’s here for you, I’m here for you.” He gave you the same dim smile as you approached your destination, stepping out of the vehicle you watched him fix his holster, it made you smile, only Reid could look completely helpless and handsome at the same time.

After interviewing the unsub’s wife you picked up your cell phone to call the rest of the team. “His wife just informed us that her family owns property, if the unsub’s practice has been shut down maybe this is where he carries out the murders.” With this new information, Prentiss ordered the both of you to stay put, within three hours you received a phone call from the Prentiss letting you know the case had ended in tragedy, he’d taken the coward way out, instead of facing justice for what he’d done, you informed the family of what Dr. Stanley had done and with profuse condolences you headed back to the jet, that was waiting to fly to Quantico, you left Spencer alone for the time being, donning on your headphones and trying your best to enjoy the flight after such an outcome.

From the corner of your eye you noticed Spencer looking at you, then looking away, but he said nothing, even when you were safely indoors at the BAU, Spencer was quiet, distant, no random statistics, no random book quotes, he was mute. When it was time to go home, Spencer was the only one who left without saying good night, you watched his tall figure walk away and disappear into the elevator, Morgan was quick to sit on your desk and look at you inquisitively. “So, pretty girl, when are you gonna tell him?” You knew exactly what he was talking about, your eyes darted to his face, he sported a boyish grin. “How did you—”

“I ain’t a profiler for nothin’ so, when are you gonna tell him?” He asked again.

“Spencer needs a break, I can’t just bombard him with my feelings, when what he needs is a friend.” You confided, Morgan shook his head. “You want to support him right?” He asked, you nodded. “Why are you still sitting behind that desk then?” You smiled at the man and stood up, grabbing your bag and a few files. “Good luck y/n,” You heard Morgan behind you, shaking your head you got into the elevator and straight to your car, driving towards Spencer’s apartment. You were hesitant at first, but you pushed yourself up the stairs and stood in front of his door, knocking lightly you realized the door was open, which was odd for Spencer, with immediate concern you drew your weapon and decided to investigate. “Spence?” No answer, venturing further into the apartment, you noticed his bag and his gun neatly on the sofa. “Spencer?” You called out again, silence.

Approaching his room, you carefully pushed in the door, finding Spencer sitting on the floor with his back leaning onto the bed and a needle in his hand, upon noticing you, he looked up, a sad expression on his face, it was clear he’d already taken the drug, you put away your gun and knelt beside him, normally you were able to contain your emotions, compartmentalize them well, but seeing him like this just devastated you, you held him close, as you both cried in silence, with his own help you were able to put him to bed, when you were about to turn around and head to his living room, a weak hand held your arm. “Stay… Please?” He asked, without a doubt you got into bed with him allowing him to be the little spoon as you nursed his high, you didn’t want to reprimand him, but you knew this had to stop, or else this brilliant man was going to fade into addiction.

You held him, and no words were spoken between the two, you ran your fingers through his brown locks until the dilaudid made him fall asleep, taking advantage of this, you were able to get off his bed and take a look around his place, it was messy, dusty and it was clear he hadn’t been picking up after himself, sitting on his couch you allowed yourself to cry, and made yourself a promise then and there to take care of him and help him, backing up what you told him with actions instead of simply words. While Spencer slept, you checked his fridge and it was absolutely abysmal, now you were a woman on a mission, you headed to his local supermarket and got him fruits, veggies, snacks and other goodies, plus all you needed to make him a soup, once you got back upstairs you'd occasionally check on him only to find him still asleep, since Prentiss was left in charge of the team while Hotch was suspended, you called her and made sure that Spencer as well as yourself, had at least two weeks off at the BAU she approved even if you didn't explain why both of you needed the same time off. You set yourself a goal of helping Spencer detox, he would never accept treatment from a facility, that would mean he had to accept the fact that he had an addiction to begin with, Spencer might be a genius but he was prideful.

As you moved around the kitchen the smells were intertwining with each other and you felt his presence, turning around you found Spencer, leaning in the kitchen doorway, watching you cook. “I heard your phone call, I can’t take two weeks off,” He began, his eyes resting on you. “I’m not letting you poison yourself anymore Reid.” You held a ladle in your hands as he stared you up and down. “You can’t just come here and act like you want to fix me, y/n.”

You continued to stir the soup and adding the noodles to it, covering it and turning around to face him, as you spoke you slowly came closer to him. “I’m not trying to fix you Spencer, I’m trying to bring back the man who tells me the origin of Halloween, I’m trying to resurrect the Reid I met a year ago, the one that didn’t need drugs to help him cope, I want my friend back,” You were now looking up at him, staring into his eyes. “Gideon left, and I understand you’re upset but you need to remember that out of the rest of the team, the only person he left a reason, a letter, possibly an explanation, was you Spence, now please… Let me help you,” sweat pooled on Spencer’s forehead, taking his hand you took him to the bathroom. “Shower, clean up, by the time you’re finished the soup will be ready,” His brows knit together, finally understanding that you were really here for him.

Midway into the bathroom, he turned on his heel, “Thank you, y/n.” He said softly as the door closed behind him, Expelling a sigh, you looked around the apartment again, pinpointing where to start cleaning, You began with his books, putting them all in alphabetical order as he would like it, dusting as you went on, this wouldn’t be easy, but with love, books, soup, and patience, you were well on your way to restoring the honorable Dr. Spencer Reid.

A/N: If you guys would like a second part to this, please, please, please let me know. I don't bite! Suggestions, Replies, Reblogs, and likes are all welcome.

#dr spencer reid #reid x reader #reid x y/n #matthew gray gubler #criminal minds fandom #bau #criminal minds fanfiction #mgg fluff #mgg x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds

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anon-amiss · 1 year

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home x reader (/j)

Beginning notes: Sigh. I absolutely hate that I am going to actually write a fully fledged oneshot for this and risk my sanity here as your punishment for this horrendous crime against Home.

My mind is just so completely shocked by your sentence, that my creative process was actually rendered null and void for a whole minute. Thank you, truly, for this tremendously traumatising request. If I had a brain, it would have shut down by now.

Personally, I don't know Home to be a romantic type... um.. house, so I will just write down what I think and have observed to be accurate. Wally will most definitely ban me from visiting him after this :'°]

But hey, it's all worth it to punish you for making me envision this travesty at all, so without further ado:

Home x Reader

(Homantic)

Warnings: Home x Reader

You yawned, sitting up in your bed and slapping yourself in the face for some much needed waking up. You were a little nervous, because today was the day.

You had been building up courage as much as you could for the past couple of days, and after much encouragement from your fellow neighbours and talking to yourself in the mirror, you finally did it! You asked out the blue-headed fool!

But much to my dismay, your crush was not the suave and endearing neighbour with the most dashing and entrancing eyes. No. You had a crush on Home. Ever since you laid sight on his beautiful roofed tiling and paned glass eyes, you couldn't help but think about him everyday. You don't know what was so captivating about him when you first saw him. Maybe you were an architect? An admirer for the bizarre? Who knows?? Maybe you were just a freak! But who am I to judge? I am just a muppet.

You communicated to Home just as any other neighbour would, and while it was hard understanding him at first, you both grew very close and got over the language barrier. Wally would still give you lessons in what he called "Homelish" from time to time, as a way of helping you communicate. You were still in the process of learning a lot though.

Even with your struggle however, you could still tell how excited he was to hear your proclomation of love for him. His chimney sent out plumes of smoke that were visible from miles away, and his creaking and knocking were centered everywhere around your feet. He was like an excited puppy getting a birthday bone.

These thoughts revisited your brain, only making you feel much more nervous than you already were. You shouldn't have been, admittedly. Home was actually really sweet. He never liked judging anybody and was always willing to overlook someone for any of their flaws... Like, having a crush on a house for example, but you just couldn't rationalize your fears away. What if you messed up? Or worse, what if he doesn't actually like you and was just trying to be nice?

You sighed, heading over to your closet with a now frazzled mind. You chose your best outfit, putting it on and checking yourself out in the mirror. If he didn't like you then, he would have to like you now. You looked dashing!

You smiled and adjusted youself before heading out of your house. It was bright and beautiful as usual. Butterflies and ladybugs scoured the fields around you, in search for refuge from the bright sun. Wally and gang were probably out having their picnic by now. Wally made sure to fill up the schedule in his day with fun activities so you could have as much alone time as you wanted with Home while on your date. It was very sweet of him.

You walked over to some flowers you planted nearby and plucked them from the soil. Julie, of course, helped you grow them. She was very ecstatic when she found out you finally asked Home on a date. She had to stop herself from planning your whole date from you, instead settling for giving you ideas on what you should gift the house.

You thought flowers would be beautiful, because honestly, you didn't know what else Home may have wanted. He always seemed content with everything and usually denied requesting anyone anything. He was pretty low maintenence in terms of gifts.

You assumed his love language was actually communication. The day Wally started teaching you Homelish, you could sense how much happier Home acted around you. You thought maybe this was because you were actively taking time out of your days to learn just so you could please him more.

You didn't know this, but Home was lovestruck to find out Wally was teaching you how to communicate better. He thanked Wally profusely each day for his kind effort and would constantly ask how you were doing in class. He just couldn't stop thinking of your consideration.

You didn't live too far from Wally, so you got there pretty quick. Home noticed your figure and waved you a greeting with his door. You smiled and hugged his walls.

"Hi, Home! Sorry if I took a little long. I wanted to look my best!" You exclaimed, showing off your outfit. He creaked in response, twisting his doorknob to make you notice his neatly tied bowtie. "Yeah! It looks dapper, I love it!"

Home tapped delightfully, noticing the flowers in your hand. "Oh! Yeah! I brought these for you! I wasn't sure what colour you might have liked, so I got one of every kind," you responded hesitantly. Home let out a few squeaks.

"I'm glad you like them!"

Home's window tapped, leading you to an empty flower bed. You smiled and nodded, moving some of the soil out of the way to plant the flowers. Once finished, you sat on the doorstep, asking Home about his day and various other questions about anything fun he did.

You learnt that he was actually preparing himself all morning, with the help of Wally and Sally. They gave him some new fresh coats of paint along with some little heart designs that seemed to wrap around his exterior walls. He actually seemed just as nervous as you were.

The two of you talked for the rest of the day until the sun began to set. Home was glad to have agreed to the date. He liked you for a long time, admiring you for your selfless acts of kindness and sweet demeanor. Even if you were mad, you still managed to keep a smile on your face. He watched you all the time, wanting to grow closer to you for the fact that you seemed different in a way he didn't understand.

You stuck out of place, but not for the reasons he thought. You looked like you belonged here, but everyone else just... didn't? It was a strange observation he'd made over the few months you had been here, but he did not try and question it. He just wanted to be happy that you were here at all.

As the sun bore into the horizon, you turned to home. "It's getting late. I'm going to head home now, but.." You hugged his walls and gave him a kiss. "This was fun. Let's talk again tomorrow?"

Home let out a delighted squeak. With that, you were off. You opened the door to your house, entering with a warm feeling in your heart. It was a good day. A great day. Fantastic.

Though...

A little strange.

The duration of your date went by quicker than you thought, almost like time just decided to skip forward, and... maybe you were just seeing things, but in the corner of your eye, you swear you saw someone watching you.

Someone was angry.

Angry for a reason I still don't understand. Jealousy? Maybe he just wanted to be in the story more.

Whatever reason it was, it didn't interfere with your request. He shouldn't have been able to watch you. He was supposed to be with his friends. He shouldn't have been able to move freely as the story continued.

But he still did.

End.

Ending notes: I would have written more, honestly, but I spent hours pacing around my room asking myself why I was doing this and what kind of date a house would even like?? I decided to just end it as quick as possible so I could get to some other great requests. Turns out even the most creative minds like mine have their limits!

Another note though, if you genuinely do have a crush on Home, I apologize haha. This is just a little joke fic, you can like who you want, and I'm sure he'd be more than happy to know someone likes him like that!

With that said, I will begin the other requests now. Thank you all for supporting me so far! :°]

I love you <3

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davyjoneslockr · 22 days

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Yes yes I'm sending more playlist related questions because these are fun. So The Rain The Park And The Other Things on the Fugio playlist caught my eye..ear? And it reminded me of the song Send me no flowers by Doris Day and I like that a lot.

Everybody says that Strawberry Blonde is very them coded but nobody explains why. I'm curious about your interpretation :D

Also does the Naramis playlist tackle the sad side of their relationship? How, you know, Narancia isn't there anymore. I appreciate that a lot about this ship- losing someone you love but still needing to move on. I think that's very realistic and I hope Mista finds peace again.

HI I'M SO SORRY I MISSED THIS sorry for the wait!!

Just listened to Send Me No Flowers and it's really lovely, I think I could also see it being Fugio-y in a way? Specifically postcanon pre-PHF from Giorno's POV. Something something he has all the tangible things he wants but not Fugo. But maybe that's just because my brain loves to make songs about wanting someone back + flowers about Fugio lol.

I won't lie, Strawberry Blond is a holdover from when I started making this playlist four years ago, when Strawberry Blond was considered the Fugio song and was on everyone's playlists lol. But listening to it now, I actually think it aligns with my Fugio vision more than I initially thought.

I think a lot of people take it as a Fugo -> Giorno song, but I much prefer imagining it the other way around. Again, imagery of someone leaving and the other aching over it, and the line "I love everybody because I love you" makes me think of Giorno basically getting his whole worldview tossed up because of Fugo, who's so completely different from him in every way. But also, I really really like to imagine that Giorno's feelings are unrequited at first. I think I've explained the Fugonara -> Fugio pipeline before, but Fugio during canon to me is more like. Giorno is very infatuated with Fugo, and Fugo doesn't notice because he's still hung up over his own one-sided feelings for Narancia. So the second verse kinda fits that, too, I think. The thing with "all I ever wanted was a life in your shape" also could have a lot of different connotations with them, too - Fugo had, and still has, a lot of privilege Giorno doesn't (Fugo grew up rich, never had to face xenophobia/racism, had a strong and well-funded education that is clearly shown to still give him a huge advantage even after he's disowned), and on the headcanon side of things, I do usually hc Giorno as trans and Fugo as cis, so there's that, too. But it could also be how Giorno has always repressed emotions/feelings, and Fugo isn't really able to, but also derives power from those emotions (even if they're harmful) - maybe a tiny bit of subconscious envy that Fugo's able to feel, to cry, so on and so forth? Idk. Something like that.

As for the Naramis playlist, I actually don't have a ton of angsty stuff on there, because I did originally envision it as a happier vibes sort of playlist (even I need a break from Naramis angst sometimes hehe). But I did start including a few sadder ones as of late!!

This song is super postcanon Mista to me and that's why I used it as the title for the second part of my fic :] "Once my heart was filled with the love of a girl/I held her close, but she faded in the night/Like a poem I meant to write" specifically.

Another postcanon one. The airplane metaphors really sell it for me. I think Mista sometimes plays this one on his guitar and thinks of Narancia :)))

And slightly different, but I actually think of this one from Narancia's POV!! He's been let down and betrayed a lot in his life, he can't envision a better life for himself than being a criminal, and his best friend ends up leaving him out of cowardice, so he hopes that he can at least have one person he can trust and rely on - ie Mista.

Thank you again for the ask, I love talking about my tunes (and Fugio and Naramis) ^_^

#and sorry again for the wait!!#jjba #fugio #naramis

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rvnwtch · 5 months

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ൠ - random headcanon

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

☠ - angry/violent headcanon

☾ - sleep headcanon

Hand the zenni HCs over. 🫴

I AM SO SORRY ITS TAKEN ME SO LONG!!! I just wanted to get this right and then completely forgot about it. Hopefully you’re still interested 🥹

Random headcanon - Zenoine’s favorite activity is reading. At home she had bookshelves in her bedroom that covered an entire wall from floor to ceiling- and she had a BIG room. At the Castle she has no shelves at least not for a while. So she keeps her books stacked next to her bed on the nightstand. She never once complained about this. One day though after a particularly long and drawn out day with Gwendis, she comes home to her room only to find four large bookshelves pushed together, from floor to ceiling with her few books sat right in the middle. Fennorian and Kallin had put in new ones for her while she was away.

Cooking/food headcanon: Zenni grew up in a very rich household and never had to make any of her own meals. Then in college someone made all of the food there too. At Ravenwatch castle… no one else eats food. Except for Kallin, who Zenni doesn’t speak to often and is deeply intimidated by at first. But he always makes enough food for the both of them. It makes Zenoine feel a level of guilt she didn’t know was possible. It was only the two of them who ate food. So she learns how to cook from Kallin. She’s bad at it, so Kallin does all of the complicated things. But once a day, she sits down in the kitchen and helps Kallin peel or chop vegetables. Helps him keep an eye on the pot over the fire and calls him over panicking when it starts to bubble too high. She might not be good at it, but she isn’t as useless as she once was made to feel.

Quirks/hobbies headcanon - for a quirk I decided to include that when Zenni is sitting, she keeps her hands folded politely on her lap, and her back straight to appear more tall and confident. It was a habit her mother forced into her when she was young. As for hobbies I already mentioned above that she loves to read. It’s something I envision a lot of my OCs doing bc I genuinely can’t imagine a world without books in it so all of my OCs tend to love books or stories in some way. I’m still deciding what her favorite genre would be. Not classics though, because classics were something her mother made her read when she turned sixteen and begged for more books. Everything else was either “useless” “unlady like” or “childish.” Classics only from then on out. Unless Fennorian smuggled her something. Her bookshelf was big enough to hide a few new additions from time to time.

Angry/violent headcanon - Zenoine never argued with Fennorian… at least not loudly. She might purse her lips or have to take a deep breath when they disagree on something but they’ve always had healthy communication. He’d never really done anything ANGER worthy…. Until he decided to disappear. When he first disappeared, Zenoine was distraught, she thought he’d died- as it would turn out she wasn’t exactly wrong. She spent a lot of time on her own with her grief after that. And one day she decided she was angry at him. Angry that he just up and left her here all alone. Angry that he got to escape and she was stuck at home in Summerset. And then her father brought up marriages. And she turned her anger at Fennorian’s disappearance toward her father. It made her vile. (By Zenoine’s standards anyway. She was still very obedient.) She glared at her parents at dinner. She argued with her father loudly. No matter how much her mother dragged her around by the arm, no matter the threats her father yelled- even when he locked her in her room for three days straight with nothing to eat because she burst into tears in front of a suitor she was meeting for the first time (because he wasn’t Fennorian). And then her anger went away. It was replaced with the same despair she had grown comfortable with. Until she struck a deal with her father. (Which you have to wait to see more of!!!!!)

Sleep headcanon - Zenni takes up the entire bed when she sleeps. Arms and legs out wide, whether she’s on her front or back her face is smooshed into her pillows. Sometimes, when Fennorian and Zenni were still stuck on the isles, she’d fall asleep with her head on Fennorian’s shoulder and he would stay still for as long as she was out. At Ravenwatch Castle, it’s the first time they had the chance to actually even SHARE a bed. So the first time they fall asleep together, she is awake all night, back rigid, taking up as little space as possible. Over time though this goes away and she practically lays on top of Fennorian when she starts to get comfortable and spread out over the mattress again. Fennorian sometimes bats her away in his sleep but he usually just snuggles up to her more.

#my oc zenoine #eso headcanons #fennorian is in this a little bit

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george-weasleys-girl · 1 year

Text

Chapter 23 ‐ The Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

Warnings: none

Summary: Y/N and Sirius' insomnia leads to an unexpected late night chat

Title courtesy of Douglas Adams

*I almost called this one The Cursed Chapter. I just couldn't seem to write it the way I envisioned it in my head. But, after multiple revisions and tumblr failing to save my changes FOUR TIMES, I've decided to call it done. Hope ya'll enjoy it.*

Start Here:

~•~

Y/N had no idea what time it was as she sat in the dimly lit room, smoothing out Buckbeak's feathers. "Sleep and I aren't getting along these days," she confided to the hippogriff, shifting so she could lean against his side, letting herself sink into his downy feathers. He trilled a soft melody and began preening her hair, bringing a brief smile to Y/N's face.

"I wish I could fade in and out of existence at will," she mummered. "Just take brief break from life when things get too much, you know."

Buckbeak moved so he could reach her hair better and continued his preening.

"Or as an alternative, I could just rip out this dead weight in my chest. That way I won't have to feel it anymore."

"Seems a bit of an overkill to me."

Startled by the disembodied voice, Y/N jumped, causing Buckbeak to squak at her with all the righteous indignation he could muster.

"Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you." Sirius stepped into the room and sat down to soothe the disgruntled hippogriff.

"Oh hi, Sirius," Y/N smiled. "Can't sleep either?"

"Sleep? What's that?" He chuckled. "I haven't had a proper nights rest since--well, since before everything happened." His grin faltered and he grew very still and very quiet, his eyes downcast. Y/N turned her full focus back to Buckbeak, knowing there's nothing quite as unnerving as having someone you barely know bore holes into you're head while you're having an emotional moment.

Y/N debated on whether she should stay or go. She and Sirius had never really talked other than exchanging a few pleasantries or a bit of mindless banter. However, she knew no one rambles around in the middle of night, seeking the company of a hippogriff, unless something big is preying on their minds. In the end, she decided to stay and offer a sympathetic ear, if he needed one.

"So, what brings you to my little nighttime sanctuary?" Sirius asked after a few minutes, back to his usual jovial self again.

"Buckbeak's an excellent therapist."

"Oh, that he is," agreed Sirius. "No judgements. No advice. None of that 'things will get better' nonsense. Just a listening ear and err--maybe a little preening." Sirius grinned, noting the spot where Y/N's hair was sticking out in million different directions.

Y/N peeked into the mirror and laughed. "I think this could be a new look for me," she said, before sitting back down and giving the hippogriff some neck scritches. "Buckbeak, hairstylist extraordinaire."

Buckbeak turned to look at her and trilled out another tune.

"I think he likes the new title," Sirius chuckled.

Y/N nodded, grinning at her feathered friend, who continued singing his happy, little song.

Sirius waited until Buckbeak finished his impromptu performance before speaking again. "I've heard about your dilemma," he said. "It's not an easy thing you're facing."

"No," she gave him a rueful smile. "It isn't."

"You know," Sirius replied. "Sometimes I get a little sad because I've never been in love. But, then there are other times, I think I may have dodged a bullet."

"It's not all bad," Y/N replied. "Most of the time it's quite wonderful."

"Except for times like this," Sirius pointed out.

"Except for times like this," Y/N repeated, with a long sigh.

"You seem to be handling it well enough," he observed.

Y/N shrugged. "I try to stay positive and not think about the future too much. My music helps alot." She held up her walkman. "I've had Tori Amos on perpetual repeat the last couple of weeks."

"Ah, yes, music," Sirius said. "What's that muggle saying? Music soothes the savage beast?"

"Yep, that's it." Y/N confirmed. "And yes it does."

"I missed music so much when I was locked away. The only escape I had," Sirius confessed, "came from a crack in the wall."

Y/N's brow furrowed. "A crack in the wall?"

Sirius chuckled. "The Ministry got complacent with the Dementors guarding Az--" He stopped mid-sentence as Buckbeak shifted his position, forcing both humans to rearrange themselves, as well, before the conversation could continue.

"I take it the Ministry let some things slide?" Y/N prompted once everyone was settled again.

"Many things, actually. The only thing they bothered to upkeep regularly was the Unplottability Charm and because of that cracks slowly began to form here and there. Not enough to arouse concern, mind you." Sirius explained. "But enough that a small crevice formed in the outer wall of my little, windowless cell, allowing for tiniest rays of the sun and moon to stream through." He looked down, his eyes trailing the shaft of moonlight illuminating the floorboards. "I know it doesn't seem like much, and truthfully it wasn't, but it was my whole world for a very long time. In moments of utter despair, I could close my eyes and lose myself in the faint roar of the ocean, pretending I was one of those endless waves rolling it's way to the shore."

Y/N nodded, trying and failing to imagine the horrors and loneliness he must've endured. "Sometimes it's the smallest things that get us through to the other side."

"Truer words have never been spoken," Sirius agreed. "A kind word, a song, the smell of the salt sea. They don't seem much at the time, but when you look back, you realize they were everything."

"I think--" Y/N started, but was interrupted by the sound of footsteps on the creaky, wooden floor, followed by George's soft voice calling her name.

"Excuse me," Y/N said, rising at the sound of her boyfriend's voice.

Stepping gingerly around the now dozing hippogriff, she made her way to the door and waved George over.

"Oh, there you are," he smiled, wrapping his arm around her waist. "I woke up and you were gone."

"Couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd come sit with Buckbeak for a while. Sirius had the same idea," she gestured toward the figure basking in the moonlight. "We've just been hanging out, chatting."

"Hey, mate." George said. "Thanks for keeping my girl company."

"It was my pleasure. You've got a good one, there." Sirius stood, removing a stray feather from his shirt.

George smiled down at Y/N, only then noticing one side of her hair sticking out like a deranged porcupine. "What in Merlin's name happened to your hair?"

"Huh? Oh!" She reached up, realizing she'd never smoothed it back down. "Buckbeak gave me a new style. What do you think? It's all the rage in Paris."

George chuckled, shaking his head as he ran his fingers through her tangled locks. "I think he needs a little more practice."

Y/N placed a hand over her chest in mock offense. "Sir! How dare you insult The Master Buckbeak's work!"

The hippogriff perked up at the mention of his name, narrowing his eyes at George.

"Oh, now you've done it." Sirius laughed. "I hope you know in big trouble, Mr. Weasley."

George grinned. "Story of my life."

~•~

Y/N's exhaustion crept up on her as George and Sirius struck up a conversation of their own. She was about to mention it when Sirius asked if they'd like to join him in the kitchen for tea. Something in his voice pulled from her rapid descent into dreamland. She looked up at him, seeing the sad hopefulness in his eyes.

Then, she turned to her boyfriend, the two of them sharing an entire conversation in one, swift gaze. "Yeah, alright." George agreed. "But just one cup, I think Y/N's going to turn into a pumpkin soon."

"Of course, of course!" Sirius bounded past them and down the hall.

George and Y/N followed along behind, hand in hand. "Sure you're up for this?" He asked.

"Doesn't matter," Y/N answered. "We have a friend in need."

~•~

He squeezed her hand. "Indeed we do."

Next Chapter:

@milivanili99 @slytherclaw1978 @quackitysdrugdealer @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @ladylizzieofdarbyshire

#george weasley #george weasley x reader #george weasley x y/n #george weasley x fem!reader #sirius black #buckbeak

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inthedayswhenlandswerefew · 5 months

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"you will receive a raven from Queen Jaehaera Targaryen,

OH MY GOD, MY BABY GIRL IS A QUEEN 😭😭😭

"You knew the Greens in your youth, Wardeness Stark. You knew Aemond, Daeron, Helaena, Alicent, Otto, Maelor, Aegon the Usurper. What can you tell me of them? What was my father like? Who was he really?"

Helaena, Alicent, she never knew how much her mother and grandmother loved her. She doesn't even remember them well, the people who loved her most in this world.

Maelor, her younger brother... as a sister I can't imagine a world where the other part of the equation doesn't exist. They were so young

Aegon the Usurper. I can't put into words how sad this is. She grew up with a completely distorted view of her father. an image he himself approved and asked to perpetuate in the name of keeping those he loved safe once he could no longer do so. She grew up alone, thinking her father was a monster and I'm sure people around her never disagreed. this is so.... ugh. It break my heart

"What can you tell me of them? What was my father like? Who was he really?" This sentence. Just... this sentence.

Completely heartbreaking.

Growing up not knowing where you are from, where you came from, who came before you, what your story is, not knowing which version to trust... heartbreaking, just heartbreaking.

And the fact that she writes Helaena and Aegon?? And not mother and father??? ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING!

GRRM is a war criminal for killing off Jaehaera in Fire & Blood, I just knew I wanted to give her a happy(ish) ending! She'll live for many many years, always have Autumn as a mom figure in her life, and I also envision her having a decent relationship with her husband too (since they bonded as young children and learned to comfort each other through trauma), so that's nice.

On the flip side, you are absolutely right that it is heartbreaking and isolating that Jaehaera not only has very few lasting memories of the Greens, but grew up surrounded by anti-Green propaganda that, even if inadvertently, made her feel ashamed and alone. Jaehaera's language in the letter is absolutely meant to express her complete lack of personal connection with the Greens and the influence of the terrible stories she's always heard about them. She doesn't even MENTION Criston, because she never would have heard about him aside from maybe passing mentions as a Hand of the King; she had no way of understanding his bonds with the Green kids or how much he loved her parents, uncles, and Grandma Alicent.

It's not until Jaehaera gets older (30s) and starts reflecting on her own experiences as a mother that she begins to question her family's legacy and turns to Angel for more information, thus finally providing an avenue for her to learn the truth. And we can only imagine how wonderful it was for her to learn, after all those years, that her father was not a monster but someone who was capable of remarkable bravery, tenderness, loyalty, and love.

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tsukuyomii45 · 6 months

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Obito ask! Modern AU. We know what happened in canon. What kind of life would Modern Obito have? Would he have any family left? Who raised him? What about his job? I'm really interested. I have this image of him, and I'm curious if yours is similar!

I try my very best to not let things deviate from the canon characterization and certain events regardless of the AU, even if there are a LOT of differences in terms of what the character goes through. The nice thing about Modern AUs is that it's a very flexible type of alternate universe, everything in a way can make sense as long as nothing breaks that character and makes them OOC. xD

So my version of Obito is a bit complex, but it's like this:

Obito is orphaned - parents died when he was young; and ended up getting raised by Madara. He's this cute, sweet, warm, bubbly and excited boy that we all know but tries his very best to work hard in school and impress others and had to endure a lot of criticism from Madara who wants him to realize his potential. Obito has always been the type to pave his own path and wants to achieve his own ambitions, so his relationship with Madara was sometimes tense and rocky because of how much they quarreled as Obito grew up and became rebellious.

Or maybe he'd grow up with his grandmother and she'd raise him and he ends up taking care of her as she gets older. Filial piety is a prominent and traditional norm in Eastern culture, and I tend to incorporate the Japanese culture into this AU because I think it's beautiful and respectful.

i'd say he had a pretty humble life, he's very selfless and determined until the day where he gets into an accident which leads to him having facial scars, and because that was a traumatic event in his life, his personality shifts into someone more reserved and stern and somewhat of a sexy cunt. Sometimes I envision him as someone who smokes when he's stressed, or someone who copes by going to the gym (mostly going for the latter). He's the type that hits the classy, quiet bars; before the accident he was sort of a party guy but that's out the window later.

The type of job he'd have would either be something corporate in which he owns his own company, or he'd be a cop? I have trouble deciding because it just depends on the setting and the pairing, lol. Maybe he'd be a martial artist and own a dojo? xD Either way, I'd say Obito is a total workaholic, where he projects this need to prove himself through his job because he had to endure growing up with a lot of criticisms and feeling like he's never good enough.

I mentioned he's a gym junkie...well, yeah, he is. xD He can't be a smoker and a gym junkie, so if I had to choose, I'd choose the gym. xDD

That's all I have for now. xD

#naruto shippuden #obito uchiha #uchiha obito #modern au #obito supremacy

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icarus-in-blues · 1 year

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Little thoughts upon Chapter 59′s release...

The new chapter started off with Yakumo’s backstory and that revved the engine in my brain after a long, long time and I will proceed to ramble where this essay is either coherent or something between God and me.

Spoiler under the cut!

We started with the introduction to Yakumo’s mother, who, although always present in the house, was rarely a presence in Yakumo’s life, and him confessing that he was never at home often. Despite that, Yakumo sought solace or belonging in environments that resembled his home (blank? empty?). The absence of a family, the distance of attachment to people, the detachment of it all, breeding into a void he fed into his life with what little happiness he could grab -- be it sex or money -- marking him as a vulnerable victim of what will become a tragedy... He who had no place to belong gladly dive into whoever’s arms that would embrace him, blind to red flags or any flags at all.

Yakumo also did not see value in what the school provides him, as he views that proper, upright, educated society as unfitting for someone like him -- something he internalizes since so young, the disgust in the eyes of proper adults... -- and as he grew, the environment continues to indulge and enable that thought. That is, until he met an artwork that have him scramble and pick up his life back up again and make something out of it. (Also isn’t it a little ironic how he said art was an answer he couldn’t seek in schools... but also said art is best learnt in a proper place -- the cram school? He’s so cute)

What I also noticed and connect from the “Guilt” chapter was, (removing Sanada’s death from the equation), that Yakumo oddly classified what was “negative” as a luxury. Though it wasn’t “wrong” for him to think feeling guilt was a sort of pleasure/luxury, it made me wonder if the things he had been through -- all the pain and misery that would come, he sees it as part of being alive, as being able to experience all of that was “luxury” as well.

(Slight ramble on how being able to survive was enough for him, and that anything above that was something to be thankful of. And that if anyone were to give him that chance, he would want to give a part of himself back. Whether or not he was building his goals upon theirs, or living for them, was his way of showing gratitude. He was so used to selling himself in the exchange of something good, what was any different than this?)

I think what his struggles will simultaneously bring is the freedom that everyone (who is in the shackles of society) envies, which would probably play into the main topic dealt in the next chapter with the lady who took him, the ambitious, despairing, boy, in... I couldn’t really envision what comes next honestly, but it would be neat to have that (biased because I personally wrote on that topic involving him hehe)

#blue period #murai yakumo #character analysis from self #random essay from self #this is mostly self analysis dont take it too seriously please?

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terrence-silver · 2 years

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What was twig like back in high school???

I said this before and I'll say it again; I don't think he really attended.

Well, not the classical way other kids his age did. His family was obscenely rich, exclusive and undoubtedly all about private education, homeschooling and tutors, the likes of which included piano lessons, polo, languages, economics, religious studies, manners, philosophy, literature, horseback riding, fencing for all we know; the skillset every rich, well to do boy needed in the midcentury --- that, of course, and not mingling with the 'rabble' and 'riff-raff' of the world by going to school in the first place, even if it was some coveted institution versus a --- gasp --- god forbid, public one, which would be out of the question under any circumstance. Meaning that Twig, or rather young Terry could've grown up slightly isolated, introverted and tucked away from his peers, both rich and poor, middle class and wealthy and everything in-between, missing a lot of traditional markers of childhood and being a teenager; missing out on a lot of up's and downs a kid needs to experience because it is simply what must be done if they're to form even a slightly healthy sense of self. I feel Terry never really had a best friend as a result (or any friend), a first crush, prom, bullying from other kids, support from other kids, classes, recess, playdates on the playground during weekends and the like. Why? Because he grew up in a lavish bubble and spent his developmental years in it, with any and all scheduling and homework coming from his father via his private payroll teachers (Like playing the piano for several hours at a time, or something of the sort) which led to him being, undoubtedly rather intelligent and advanced for his age, but also tragically behind on social skills, independence and attachment; something that I feel, would explain why he'd clung so hard to John Kreese and Ponytail in the army. Because those were the first friends he's ever actually had in his life up to that point, and one would argue, possibly even afterwards.

This opens a whole new can of worms:

If Terry Silver's educational years were quite so repressive and draconic, maybe, just maybe, he left for Vietnam, among others, not only to avoid being written out of his father's will and to prove himself to him through an elaborate rite of passage, but also to escape the tyrannical upbringing he had at home and find a bit of freedom, even if said freedom was on the front lines half a world away where he could easily be killed --- but sometimes, abusive families can legitimately get that bad and make one quite so desperate, yes, to where nothing matters but the prospect of escape. In the aftermath of returning and claiming his dues I can envision Terry Silver pursuing a higher education, this time, entirely on his own accord, becoming a naturally talented overachiever where academic pursuits were concerned, going from someone who didn't even really have an actual highschool graduation cap to his name to someone with several very glossy diplomas (Perhaps something connected to Environmentalism , Chemistry or Biology, which he utilized to run Dynatox and Advanced Economics, because hey, money makes the world turn ‘round and ‘round)

#terry silver #kk3 #cobra kai #terry silver twig #terry silver headcanon #terry silver headcanons #tw; abusive families #tw; education

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lucentaire · 1 year

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It was too late to overthink or second guess it. The thick envelope was already on its way to her and had likely found her by now. Protected within a rigid, cardboard sleeve inside the envelope, the drawing would arrive in pristine condition. It was not a page from the sketchbook she had given him (but the paper was rather similar), no, this was from one of his older books, one that had somehow survived. But she didn’t need to know that, didn’t need to even suspect that the drawing had been done a while ago now (he hoped there was nothing that would give it away at least, he wasn’t sure how it might come across if she realised she’d been on his mind back then). It was a perfect depiction of the moment, an inked sketch with subtle colours shading it, bringing to life how she had looked to him that first evening they had really talked. With her hands curled delicately around her teacup, and the coat he’d given her draped around her shoulders, the little lights that she had produced around them gave the night a certain magic. Her expression was soft, amused at something they had talked about. Beautiful.

A small slip of paper accompanied the art, simply reading, 'Happy Holidays, Ever.'

she had started to feel suspicious when she had first come out of her room after her teammates had graciously allowed her to sleep in. in fact, for reasons, the absence of any sound beyond the whine of their letterbox in the early morning had been the first red flag. well, maybe not red. fitting the spirit of the season, the flag had been pastel pink. but carena did not want to be the spoilsport. she would not accuse anyone of anything without proof.

the second---seasonally appropriate---pink flag had been the fact that someone had neatly arranged the mail they had received. while in theory, they had little baskets, those saw hardly ever any use. instead, any correspondence was dropped off at the correct spots on the dining table. what she was looking at (the second pink flag) was the neatly arranged stack of mail on her spot.

the third thing that made her feel suspicious was the fact that her dearly beloved teammates were all in the kitchen, ostensibly going about their daily business. while this usually would not be suspicious, the fact that she felt three pair of eyes on her was suspicious. something was up. it had something to do with the mail. and they knew what it was. and they were watching her to catch her reaction.

oh boy.

two thoughts, both equally out there, raced through her head within the seconds it took her to get from the door to the table. the table she never dreaded quite as much as she was dreading it right now, solely because her favourite people were acting weird. the first thought was can laxus smell who sends mail? and the second, born from the first, was please tell me that i did not get a letter from scarlet. although---that would explain why laxus had looked as if he wanted to giggle. laxus, as a general rule, did not do something as unfitting as giggling, but she could envision that he would make an exception if after all the times she had made fun about this, she would be the one to get love day mail from erza.

but---carena was not someone who would let her teammates have all the fun. there was a letter that stood out from the rest and therefore, she did not reach for it, no matter how curious she was about this. instead, she flipped through the other mail first. reading the first letter, she hummed a bit to herself. just another bill, but why would she not take the time to doublecheck it to make sure that everything was above board there? there had been a time when they had been charged twice for something. she had to make sure everything was correct.

and she could hear how with each letter she opened that was not the suspicious one, her teammates grew more impatient. yup, they were far too interested in her correspondence today. she had been right to think that there had been pink flags everywhere today.

but then, the last advertisement was opened and read, and she had to confront the suspicious letter. a part of her wondered if she should just pocket it and read it up in her room, but that would only make her look more suspicious, right? and it was not like she had anything to hide.

she still hummed to herself as she used a butter knife to open the Suspicious Letter. upon realising what it was she was looking at, she paused her humming, desperately wishing she had escaped the house before opening it. resisting the urge to look over her shoulder to where certain people were almost bouncing off the wall with their badly concealed excitement, she breathed out, struggling to keep the sound . . . even. struggling to seem unaffected. because she was not! she was not unaffected! but laxus was annoying in moments like this. enhanced hearing meant that he definitely heard the quickened heartbeat that accompanied her blush. inwardly, she almost screeched. oh gray. what have you done? it was not that she was not flattered. she was flattered. she was so very flattered. but no amount of flattery could make her overlook the fact that she was in for a lot of teasing about this all.

her team was usually good with boundaries.

she just did not think she could rely on usually this time around.

especially not with the leading questions freed had asked since not long after the war. laxus had senses that were unfairly keen. freed was just too perceptive for his own good. she simply hoped those two had not yet gotten around to pooling their knowledge. if they had, she was done for.

returning the drawing to the envelope and slipping the envelope into her pocket, she willed her blush away. she would find a frame for the drawing later and properly examine it. right now, she would have to make sure that her teammates did not get the show they were clearly anticipating.

turning around to face them, she cleared her throat. ''---is there any orange juice left? '' she asked innocently. '' or do i have to trouble you, laxus, to make some more? ''

#ii. —— ( it is not about fixing the past‚ it is about healing the past's future / post war arc )#i. —— ( she's so hard to please‚ but she's a forest fire / in character )#resolvebound: gray #resolvebound #tehehehe #some raijinshuu wholesomeness with some graygreen on the side :p

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thepropertylovers · 1 year

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How Do You Mourn the Death of a Parent Who Was Never There?

My dad died last week.

We weren’t very close; we hadn’t been in a while, and I don’t think I had even seen him in person in more than three years. The last time we were in the same room together was in 2019 in his nursing home bedroom when we went to visit him. He couldn’t walk or move much of his body after the major stroke that left him bed-ridden and unable to function like he used to. My dad was a tremendously good athlete and could play any sport he was interested in, so to see him in this state was strange and difficult. All of that potential, gone, reduced to a metal bed and a thin hospital gown.

Gary, my father, had a big heart. He had a passion for life and, as I was told over and over again at his funeral by everyone who greeted me, he loved his kids. A lot. They all told me how he always talked about us and how important we were to him. The thing is, he wasn’t there for so much of my childhood and almost none of my adult life, so it was hard to feel the love that everyone spoke about.

And that is why I find myself here, writing this and questioning why I am so damn heartbroken over his death.

I truly didn’t know him that well, so why am I so sad? Why am I taking this so hard? When we received the call about the horrible choice that no one should ever have to make for someone else had, in fact, to be made the next day (my older sister was left with the harrowing task to choose to remove him from the ventilator or to keep him on for a few days until his passing), it was almost a relief.

We had all, myself and my siblings, been waiting for a call like this for years. My dad was never in good health due to the drinking and the drugs, so it was a situation where we knew he could die at any time because how could anyone live a long life with the choices he was making to his body?

And the truth is, he wasn’t living. Not really. Not in any kind of way that would be considered a good life. We were told he shared those same thoughts with our aunt a few months back. He was in the nursing home for close to four years, confined to a wheelchair and not really able to do anything on his own. He would often say random, off the wall things daily, which was all caused by the stroke. So I have to agree with him: that isn’t really living, is it?

A question we’ve received over and over again throughout the years is what our relationship with our dads is like. People have picked up on the fact we don’t ever show them online and that we only feature our moms. That’s because our dads are not in our lives, and we both believe it’s for the best.

When my parents divorced in 1996, I was five, so a single-parent home is all I’ve ever known. We would visit him in the summers, and he would come into town every now and then, but we lived with my mom, and we were all happiest that way. After the divorce, my dad moved back to South Georgia where the rest of his side of the family lives, which, in turn, left me and my brother and my younger sister back in Tennessee.

He left us to fend for ourselves. He left my mom to raise three kids on her own while working multiple jobs just to make ends meet. He left us to pick up the pieces of a life they built together, a life they envisioned for themselves, for us kids, and for our family.

If you’ve been here a while, you know we live in the same house I grew up in, the same house my mom and dad bought in the mid 80’s, renovated themselves and raised three kids in. If that sounds just like our story, just know the similarities are not lost on me, either. We have dreams and a life planned out for our family, too, and after thinking about it for the last few days, asking myself why I’m taking his death so much harder than I thought I ever would, I think I have come to this conclusion:

For what could have and should have been. He should have seen us get older and experience our milestones in person. He should have been at every one of my football games and helped my mom shuffle us between school and activities. He should have held me when I was sad and smiled when I was happy and cheered for me when I succeeded. Instead, he wasn’t there for any of it.

There was so much potential for a happy life spent together. Now that I’m a father myself, I can’t imagine ever doing anything to jeopardize my family and what we have. And the thing is, my dad had it all: A loving wife, children who adored him, a successful business. But he chose a different life.

The frustrating part about all of this is, and despite all that I’ve said, we actually had a good relationship, considering. He accepted me whole-heartedly and never had a problem with the fact that I am gay. He loved PJ and had so much fun talking construction with him whenever we got together.

My dad was a doer, always building things and helping people out with whatever they needed. PJ is the same way, so they always bonded over their shared love of working on houses and getting things accomplished.

Because we got along so well, and for the most part, always enjoyed each other’s company, I just see the life we had as wasted potential. If he would have stayed in our lives, we could have been great together. I know it. Instead, my siblings and I spent our adolescence feeling let down whenever he wouldn’t show up, and wondering if we had done something wrong to make him leave.

When you’re young, your parents are your world and can do no wrong. When you get older, you know better. Parents are not as superhuman as you once thought, and they can make mistakes, and they often do. Kids are resilient, and they will keep coming back to you even when you don’t deserve it. So once we were older, we started to know better and we started to take measures to protect ourselves from the hurt he had caused us so frequently when we were little.

This meant less trips down to see him over the years (from now on, if he wanted to see us, he would have to find a way to come to us), less and less phone calls and texts, and less reaching out in general. When you spend your whole life waiting for someone and they never quite show up, you eventually get tired and you find ways to move on for the good of yourself and those around you. For us, it meant realizing that, as much as we wanted and needed him in our lives, he would never be a dad to us, and we had to let that idea of him go. We loved him as a person, but not as a father anymore.

I know my dad had a rough childhood, and after my parents’ divorce, his life was even harder, but I also know he had choices to make, and he made them again and again. He had so many chances given to him by everyone in his life, and he just kept making the wrong decisions. I wasn’t in his shoes, so I don’t know what he was going through, but I do know how it felt being on the receiving end of those choices, and it was excruciating at best and crushing at worst.

I have come to the conclusion that I feel the most sad about the fact that things will never get better between us now. I think a small, tiny part of me that I had buried deep inside still felt that, even though we didn’t talk and he would be in a nursing home for the rest of his life, he would one day tell me he was sorry, that he messed up and had a disease that he couldn’t fight alone and that he made mistakes but wanted to make it right now. I didn’t realize it before, but I needed some sort of closure from him, a closure that I now know I will never get. I would have loved him forever, but death is so finite and forever for him means something different for me now.

How do you mourn for a parent who has passed away when they were never there to begin with? It’s a question I’ve been asking so much lately because I need to know why I feel the way I do. How can I cry over someone, still, after 32 years of doing so, when they’re not even in my life anymore?

He was never there, but I wanted so badly for him to be, until one day I didn’t anymore. And suddenly it became normal to not talk about him, to not think about him, to not see him. He was never there, but he should have been there for us all, which I feel angry and so incredibly sad about at the same time. He was never there, but I know now it wasn’t because of me or my brother or my sisters, but because he didn’t get help for something he battled his entire life. He was never there, but I so wish he would have been to meet our children, because they’re so great and he would have loved them. He was never there, but he should have been. For all of it.

He was never there, and now, he never will be.

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rabcantswim · 2 years

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in the meantime of me working on rcu (regulus cinematic universe), i thought about just sharing some of my own headcanons of other characters who may or may not intervene in regulus's story. these things i will be describing have still happened and are sort of canon in the world where my short stories take place.

please do keep in mind that we all envision marauders & co. in different ways which means my marlene/mary/sirius/remus might not fit your own imagination exactly. i am just opening my imagination to you and you are more than welcome to take whatever fits for your own depiction of the character and leave the rest be. no need for crude words if you do not agree.

if you'll have any questions about a headcanon or are curious to know more of my ideas about a certain character(s) who hadn't been mentioned more in-depth - my inbox is open so please redirect your possible questions over there :)

♥ marlene headcanons here ♥ ♙dorcas headcanons over here♙

and now for best girl mary macdonald: just to be safe I'm going to put a TRIGGER WARNING for death, rape, and assault before this. i won't describe any details but i do mention that characters get murdered and a character gets assaulted and raped, and another one gets assaulted. there is also an insensitive joke made by someone who does not know the details of what happened. so please be wary of that. take care of yourself and put yourself first if you need to <3

i see her as a gryffindor

i don't have a certain image, i could never pinpoint what she looks like in my head

she has an older muggle brother who she loves dearly and was upset that she had to leave behind while going to hogwarts

hagrid ABSOLUTELY adores this girl. they both have the same wonderous way of looking at the wizarding world. they share their love for magical creatures, hagrid because he's hagrid, and mary, because she's muggleborn and never dreamed things from her children's books, could be real.

hagrid brings creatures to show to mary and tells her all about them and she says she wishes he could teach them care of magical creatures. mary really believes in him, sees his passion for the subject, and beckons him to try to apply for the position in the future.

she wanted to become a hogwarts professor herself and it was sirius who sparked that want in her.

all the way back in their first few years of school lily could not stand the marauders. sirius didn't want to constantly bug remus with questions about the muggle world - when it was before a full moon or after he couldn't ask him anyway, since he got moody or was unconscious.

sirius didn't want remus to think he was that ignorant but he didn't even know the bare minimum that james did and was super embarrassed about it. and since lily disliked him, he went to the only other muggleborn he knew in his first year which happened to be mary.

at first, he was super embarrassed about asking all the questions bc he thought that mary would make fun of him for not knowing. but she was always super excited to talk about muggle stuff since she didn't have anyone to talk to about the world she grew up in yet.

mary was so SO happy that sirius, as a pureblood, was interested to know more. she was just as nervous and embarrassed as sirius for not knowing much about the wizarding world so, in turn, sirius would answer her questions if she had any, but it was mostly sirius who came running whenever he thought of something.

sometimes he even asked questions mary didn't have the answer to, so she had to write letters to her older brother for answers.

after sirius figured out how comfortable talking about her world mary was, sirius always ran to her super excited shouting things like: "mary, Mary, MAry, MARY! what the bloody hell is a lava lamp and where can i buy one RIGHT NOW?!"

the amount of attention and curiosity he expressed about muggle stuff led to mary having the cutest little crush on sirius because let's be honest, if you're like 11-14 and a boy is willing to listen to you talk about washing machines and lava lamps and muggle school or anything else and he PAYS ATTENTION? he's special.

mary's brother loved music a lot so mary had a lot of niche knowledge about muggle bands and music shops. she wrote sirius the addresses for some that were in London to check them out in the summer.

it was mary who introduced sirius to bowie and beatles, but sirius loved freddie mercury the most.

since marry was used to such respectful and curious behavior from sirius as a pureblood she thought all purebloods were this nice while asking about the muggle world. so, it was a huge reality check when she forgot her quill and ink and wrote her notes with a glitter pen that she had in her bag and some group of pureblood kids in the class noticed.

one of them asked her about it obviously mocking her. the kids were snickering while mary enthusiastically explained to them how the pens worked, where she bought them, and that they help her with learning because she can color code with them. she even suggests they try them out for themselves and hands the pen to the boy that asked her about it.

now the kids are in absolute disbelief that she would think they would touch or use something muggles use so they just stare at her not knowing if she's serious or she's just making fun of them as well. when they realize she means it they call her probably every bad word an 11-year-old pureblood wizard kid could know, insult the muggle world, call the stuff she uses barbaric and stupid and one of the kids sends out a spell on the glitter pen and it explodes in mary's hands and ruins her notes for the class. it gets on her robes and face as well.

lily comes to her rescue and helps her clean up. after that she insists mary be seated somewhere far away from those kids. and lily always gets what she wants bc she's absolutely valid with her reasons why.

when sirius hears about what happened he insists they prank the shit out of those purebloods.

from then on whenever sirius asks mary about muggle stuff he's 10 times more excited to learn and always makes sure to let her know that whatever she was talking about is super cool to him (which it is most of the time).

her and sirius dated for a few months in their third year but decided to stay friends later. sirius was way too childish for mary's liking and would often prefer to spend time with the boys being up to no good. they stayed close friends anyway but sometimes mary would catch herself wishing that they would have worked out.

so bare with me now... there's this asshole guy cepheus (collin) black - he's an older cousin to the black brothers and sisters, one year ahead of sirius and two of regulus. in my upcoming continuation of the "regulus cinematic universe", you will learn about him bc he's VERY IMPORTANT to the story. the most crucial thing you need to know about him is that he is a monster. (fun fact, in my brain i cast him as bill skarsgard, especially when he was in hemlock grove. he's handsome which collin definitely is but there's that strange creepy edge to him. exactly like collin. you'll also learn why i call him collin in the upcoming story. everything has its reasons).

see i'm talking about him here now bc it's actually him who attacked mary in her sixth year, not mulciber. although it kinda gets blamed on mulciber for cover. collin is a scary seventh year, basically the boss of the soon-to-be death eaters at school.

he (collin) had assaulted and raped another slytherin girl - ida rookwood - in the restricted section where he left her afterward a few months prior to attacking mary. and it's actually regulus who finds ida afterward and helps her get out of there.

collin is headboy while remus and regulus are both prefects, idk if that was an actual rule, i don't think it was in canon, but in my canon the heaboy/girl and prefects have access to the library's restricted section whenever they like. just one of the privileges.

when regulus is sneaking ida rookwood out remus sees them and notices her disheveled look, ripped skirt, and how she's clinging to regulus. he doesn't think much of it, trying to keep out of slytherin business but of course, when he mentions these things to sirius he assumes regulus and ida might possibly be a thing or at least are doing things together.

ida actually gets pregnant with collins baby. sirius has the audacity to claim that he could have a secret niece or nephew out there because regulus was seen with ida around the time she must have gotten pregnant. sirius of course never learns the truth. no one does.

regulus tries to ask ida about what happened and she denies his suspicion that it was collin who had done it and denies that anyone has raped her because she fears him. she asks regulus to just let it go. and while trying to cling to the hope that his cousin would never do such horrible thing to a fellow student - because he and regulus are pretty tight - deep down in his gut he feels he knows. but he respects ida and realizes that if she's not willing to report it to the authority he can't do much about it bc he doesn't have any evidence or proof, only a hunch.

regulus does clean up for collin like... all the time. and gets punished or blamed for a lot of the things collin does, seriously.. whenever this poor boy (regulus) does anything good, he gets punished for it. you'll see.. we'll delve into the things mentioned above in regulus's story. back to mary now though. this is about her, i just wanted you to have this piece of information about who collin is.

mary is able to defend herself when collin attacks her. she uses a spell that opens a wound on collin's stomach. he has to leave because he's bleeding a lot.

the rain is pouring outside as regulus - on his mission given to him by a mystery character (too many spoilers) - tries to come up with a plan while headed to a mystery place.

and on his way, he sees little drops of something. at first, he thinks it's just the rain that got in bc the wind is picking up and he's walking through the courtyard. but when he looks closer there are many more and seem to be leading somewhere. and most importantly they aren't colorless as you'd expect. they look like blood.

at the end of the trail, he finds mary drenched in water sitting in the hallway leaning on the wall.

she has bruises in multiple places that can and cannot be seen by regulus - including her hips, wrists, left thigh, and one very small near her lips along with a gash on her cheek and upper lip, and scraped knees with little droplets of blood forming on them.

now, i won't get into regulus's struggles with deciding if he should help mary or not, i'll save that for another time. just believe that he has many thoughts going through his head in mere seconds.

he has never interacted with mary. didn't have a reason or a chance to. he's only ever seen her once holding hands with sirius in their third year and she's only ever seen him at slytherin quidditch matches but you can't get a good look at those.

regulus makes sure to let mary know that he means no harm. still, he does not introduce himself for fear that mary could tell people it was him who helped her and his "friend group" of future death eaters would be suspicious of him and potentially could exclude him. and he's not sure if he wants that.

mary thinks regulus looks a bit familiar though they never interacted, she's unsure if she can trust him. regulus is genuine (basically lets the qualities i mentioned in my dorcas headcanons shine), so mary allows him to help her in the end. but the whole time she's clutching her wand ready to defend herself and survive.

regulus wants to make sure she's alright and again, he has a hunch this could have been collin's doing (at first just a hunch, later he is pretty sure for reasons i cannot tell you, bc spoilers!!). he doesn't ask her about it since the first priority is to make sure she's not hurt. he asks her if the person who attacked her touched her in any wrong way that she would not like to which she shakes her head no.

regulus helps her get up and stumbles to the infirmary with her where he helps madam pomfrey get mary on a bed. pomfrey asks him if he saw anything or has any idea what happened or who could have attacked her but regulus of course cannot be sure yet, so he opts for the truth. he says that he found her like this. pomfrey also calls him by his name and mary hears it which is going to be important in a minute.

the news flies around the castle almost immediately. after about an hour passes it gets to the marauders, lily, and marlene and they all insist on visiting mary.

pomfrey is desperate because mary doesn't want to say what happened so when they come, she hopes maybe mary will talk to her friends. in desperation to bring justice to the person who has done her harm she lets lily and marlene come all the way to her bed to try and speak with mary. the boys stay a little behind, but they can still hear everything.

so, lily tries to talk to her but the only thing that mary is able to murmur in her state is "regulus".

at this point sirius has already left home, he and regulus are on pretty thin ice. sirius is slowly losing all hope with regulus even though regulus is finding more and more need to do good in himself. due to lack of contact and regulus's cold exterior sirius thinks it's the other way around.

when he hears mary utter his brother's name in a fit of rage, sirius assumes the worst. that it must have been regulus who hurt mary. he doesn't believe that regulus did it by himself, sirius knows his brother couldn't cause someone these injuries on his own. but he still took part in hurting mary somehow. maybe his friends dared him to or wanted his help.

sirius goes to deal with regulus immediately. he ignores remus shouting after him to just wait for a second, while james goes straight to madam pomfrey to ask. he on the other hand does not believe regulus would be capable of such a thing for no reason. because he can't imagine there would be a reason to do this.

the rest of the marauders and the girls get an explanation out of madam pomfrey and put two and two together. regulus wouldn't have brought her here if he did it right?

the story goes on after this, there is so much more to it but it isn't relevant to mary, so you'll have to wait for my regulus stories to learn more if you'd like.

hagrid is heartbroken after he finds out what happened to mary. especially because mary is a lot different after the attack. she's traumatized by the attack and will often lash out at her friends when they try to comfort her saying stuff like: "the things... you cannot imagine the things he told me before i was able to hurt him. he's sick in the head!"

she's not as excited about the wizarding world and its wonders, she refuses to practice magic in class for a while, and she doesn't talk much not even to hagrid or sirius.

lily is there for her a lot, she makes sure she talks with mary every day because mary can go days without saying a word unless spoken to.

marlene tries her best as well. they've never been best of friends they hung out together mostly bc of lily but since the attack marlene's behavior toward mary changed. she grows very protective of mary. she invites mary to watch her quidditch practices and matches so that she doesn't have to be alone at weekends. marlene sits with mary in the library when she studies, when they don't have the next class together and she notices that mary looks uncomfortable at the thought of walking around the school alone, marlene accompanies her to her next class, the great hall, library or to her dormitory, or anywhere she wants to go before her own classes are to begin.

marlene just really wants to be there if anyone tries to attack mary again, especially because since the attack there are many supporters of voldemort's ideology/collin's friends paying attention to mary in school. they are waiting for their moment to avenge collin bc they know they'll get recognition and maybe a higher position in his eyes.

thankfully collin is not present at hogwarts next year since he finished his studies. the marauders take over and dominate the hogwarts student body fairly quickly. they of course aren't unbeatable, but they do have a lot of respect on their name along with ways of getting rid of annoying nosey people and that helps a lot.

but the main reason why hagrid takes this whole deal so personally is because he had been oppressed and falsely accused bc of tom riddle who was a student, just as collin is right now, to the point that it got him expelled from school and he was forbidden to do magic. mary is vocal that she doesn't want to teach at hogwarts anymore, she didn't even want to come back for her last year at hogwarts but hagrid tells her his whole story. how he didn't get to finish his education (it's the first time he shares it with anyone). so hagrid connects with her even more now since they have both gone through something traumatic that they didn't deserve, and it ruined their view and use of magic.

the rest of the gang tries to convince her to finish her studies as well and she decides she will in the end (a big part of the reason she agrees to go is that collin will be gone next year, but it still doesn't make her feel safe).

another thing mary is vocal about is the use of magic. she doesn't want it anymore. she wants to come back to the muggle ways, and wants to forget about the wizarding world. that's another thing that absolutely breaks hagrid's heart due to the fact he remembers how much she loved everything about it and how excited she was when she first came to hogwarts.

the war is about to be in its prime when mary is graduating. she tells her friends and hagrid that after she does, she's going to pack up her family and move them to someplace safe and go with them. once they are safe and somewhere else than england she will break her wand and never use magic again.

it breaks everyone's hearts but they respect her choice and plan to go on a trip together before mary moves away. to say a proper goodbye and celebrate the end of school.

when she graduates and goes home to see her family there's a little card with her name on it at the door to the house. it says, "your graduation gift :)" and when she walks inside, she finds her parents and brother dead. they had been dead for a few days. i don't think it's hard to guess which crazy death eater who wanted revenge for mary slicing his stomach could have done this.

what happened to the macdonalds gets in the newspapers. lily, marlene, and the boys try to reach out to mary but she doesn't want to see anyone. nobody has heard from her since then

it's only much much later, in the '90s when hagrid hears of rumors that she might be pregnant and people are afraid that if the child is born with magical powers and isn't allowed to use them, they will become an obscurus. 'till this day they still don't know what exactly collin has done to mary.

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ascendanceseriesveteran · 2 years

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Time for some brutal honesty.

Please read the hashtags and respect my wishes before you do anything! 😂💛

I’d also like to say in advance that I am aware of how unpatriotic I sound, and so I accept people’s disagreement on the matter.

I don’t know how I feel about Jen’s latest post on Instagram.

I’m obviously thrilled that there is going to be a screen adaptation of the Ascendance Series. Like literally over the moon. I’m still traumatised from that time a bit less than a decade ago when they were working on a film and it was cancelled. I remember being extremely upset and thinking “fine, I’ll make a film myself when I’m older” 😂.

But I really hope that the photo is just concept art or something similar. Because (again, I mean no offence to the actors. I’m just looking at this from a very critical point of view) the actors in the photo are significantly older than the characters in the books.

And Jaron’s age, (and hence everyone else’s age) is crucial to the series. It adds a layer of story - how people find it more difficult accepting him as king and his own lack of self worth because he’s just a “boy King”. How he grew up, how he was abandoned, the unfair amount of suffering he experiences even before being an adult and just how powerful and intelligent he is.

Granted, I never wanted any one them to look 14 in all honesty, I’ve always envisioned them slightly older. This is for multiple reasons; 1, because in medieval times teenagers already looked like young adults due to sun exposure and labour; 2, some medieval teenagers were already considered of-age because people died young and so becoming an adult was a rushed process, 3 (this one is superficial and self-centred, I apologise in advance), because it would be weird to “simp” over someone who looks 14 (in my defence, I’ve been loving these characters since I was maybe 13/14, so in my mind they have grown up with me. Now that I’ve surpassed their supposed age and obviously don’t want to be creepy, I considered them a bit older - but vitally, still much younger than the picture [maybe 16-18 yrs old]); and 4, (again, this one is a bit selfish and childhood-dream-esque in a way), I started pursuing acting when I was younger and still do, to this day, because I wanted to audition for Imogen lmao 😩😂 (but that’s beside the point, moving on… I know it’s a very far-fetched and whimsical desire but it’s been ingrained in me for many years and here I am spilling the beans. Besides, I’m pretty sure many of you share that dream or a similar one so I feel no little to no shame).

But setting all those biases aside, I really feel like the actors should be no older than young adults (those who are playing Jaron, Roden, Tobias, Imogen and Amarinda). Like if it’s a legal problem or one of expenses, casting adult actors who are younger than about 25 but who still look about 16-18, would be ideal. Because (again, I respect the actors themselves hugely) in the photo, but they all look like complete adults to me and that just does’t agree with what I envisioned.

I want to discuss this with you guys in the comments because I want to hear thoughts. I’ve been reading these books for almost a decade now and know them quote-by-quote, and know the characters as well as I’d know my friends (pretty sad but that’s the reality lol). I know many of you are also super fans of the series and have your own ideas of what Jaron and the crew looks like. If you go to Jaron’s actor’s Instagram you will see photos of the rest of the cast (whether this is confirmed or not, I have no clue). But any superficial thoughts and acting aspirations aside, (I’ve already spilled my deepest, actor-centric desires above so don’t take a stab at them because I’m ✨delicate✨), I want to genuinely hear and discuss what you think about my panicked assessment of the photo, and see if you guys share my concerns or have none about the matter at all.

PS: please read the hashtags. In short, don’t repost this and just discuss in comments 💛

#please don’t repost this lol.#I want to delete it eventually #just discuss in comments #because I feel a bit unpatriotic saying this #please and thank you ❤️#the ascendance series

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peace-coast-island · 4 months

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Diary of a Junebug

The joys of being mediocre in something you enjoy

There’s something freeing about accepting that you don’t have to be good at something you enjoy doing. I think it’s natural for us to feel like we have to be decent at something in order to keep going at it. There’s nothing more frustrating than putting all your time and effort into doing some sort of activity or hobby only for it to turn out kinda eh, or for it to just completely fall short of what you envisioned. That alone, I think, takes a lot of fun out of it.

Having been there many times, I find it kind of acts like a roadblock. It also doesn’t help that most of us have it hammered in us the expectation of “If you can’t do it right, then don’t bother doing it at all.” sort of mindset. Even though most people who say that probably intended it to help you, it, in fact, does the exact opposite.

Hobbies are supposed to be fun. I think that’s something we need to remind ourselves from time to time. And if it stops being fun, you can put it down. There’s no shame in trying and failing - gotta repeat that to myself from time to time.

While Raiden, Qingmei, Makoto, and Dainn were visiting, I took out my violin for the first time in years. Even though I’m kinda rusty, I still can still play a couple decent tunes. Although I’ve played the violin for five years in school, I didn’t get much out of it, except maybe a casual appreciation for orchestras and classical music.

To be honest, I wasn’t the best at playing the violin, which was why I was usually in the back. I liked it enough to stick with it for so long, but I wasn’t aspiring to be a maestro or anything. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t so hung up on the fact that I was just okay at playing. It also didn’t help that the teacher we had through middle and high school was kinda pretentious in a snobby way - but that’s a really minor point. Basically, being part of the school orchestra gave me something to do other than academics, but other than that, it was meh as I pretty much just went thought the motions by doing the bare minimum.

Makoto’s been hanging out with Qingmei and Dainn a lot more, and he kinda prompted them, and the other demon slayers to pick up a musical instrument. Raiden’s quite musical as she knows how to play quite a few different instruments as well as sing. She’s the one who got Qingmei into piano, which then led to Qingmei getting into songwriting.

And unexpectedly, Dainn jumped in on the songwriting too despite having absolutely no prior musical experience. Even though he downplayed his contribution to Star Blessed Slumber as merely just a translator and his singing as passable for someone who never sang a note ever, Raiden noted that he seemed to have a lot of fun with the process. I mean, it makes sense considering that it’s a whole new and different thing for him, especially since he grew up in a culture and upbringing that didn’t really place as much emphasis on the arts.

Sometime later, Makoto offered to teach him how to play the cello. The whole thing was literally Dainn being like “Oh, this is so cool! I wish I could play something” when he saw Makoto play with an orchestra. And then Makoto responded along the lines of “Why not start now?” And he was like “Wait, what?” Then there was some back and forth with Dainn wondering if this was a good idea or not while Makoto was encouraging him to give it a try. Finally, he said, “Why not?” and picked the cello.

Several months later, he’s taken well to the instrument. It goes to show that you’re never too old to pick up on something new. Dainn started out from scratch, being unable to read a note and not knowing the basics, to playing songs and picking up all sorts of new skills. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so enthusiastic about something since picking up the cello - neither have the others. I guess after being known as a warrior for most of his life, it’s nice to have a change of pace and pursue something he never considered before.

Raiden was surprised when she saw Dainn with a cello, even more so when she saw how seriously he was taking his lessons. Then again, he tends to be a serious person, though that’s probably more of a product of his upbringing. Plus, there’s also the way he was raised to put 1000% effort into everything, and nothing less. Obviously, it took a lot of practice for him to get where he is now - that’s something that takes time and dedication, not just talent alone.

In terms of technical skills, he’s still got a long way to go - mainly because he’s still very much a newbie. I can’t really judge on that since I’m no expert on the cello, but I do know that playing an instrument isn’t really something you can learn overnight. Like with Qingmei, Raiden insisted on documenting Dainn’s progress on learning how to play, and it’s provided a lot of useful insights. It’s also nice to have something to look back on and see how far you’ve come, especially when you start off going in totally blind.

Obviously when you start out, it’s gonna be rough. Everything is new and unnatural, so it takes time for you to get used to it. You either get frustrated enough to throw in the towel, or you persist and keep going until it clicks and finally makes sense. And then you keep going, learning more and more new things. The more you do it, you either keep at it, or eventually lose interest and move on to something else.

And I think while trying - and struggling - to learn something new, the fun and joy of it kinda gets lost. After all, it’s hard to enjoy something if you’re struggling to get the basics down. Not to mention that there’s this mindset of “If you’re not getting it right, then what’s the point?”, which takes away the incentive of picking up something new. That shame and embarrassment of not getting the hang of something really stops you in your tracks. It’s even worse when people around you are like, “Don’t bother, you’re not good at it anyway. Do something more productive with your time instead.”

I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, but I do fall into that trap of giving up and getting frustrated when I don’t get something right after putting a lot of effort into it. That nagging thought of maybe I’m wasting my time kicks in and it makes me kinda regret even trying in the first place. It’s a frustrating cycle that’s easily imposed on you either by yourself or others, often without realizing it.

Qingmei’s gone a long way since she learned how to play the piano despite having no prior musical knowledge whatsoever as well and now she’s writing music. In her case, she never really set out to be good, she just wanted to pick up a fun hobby. Being a swordfighter and adventurer for pretty much her whole life, Qingmei realized that she needed to have interests outside of those in order to get out of a rut, which was the main reason why she wanted to learn piano - other than it being something that looked cool and fun.

Dainn’s reasons for picking up the cello were similar. He was basically raised as a warrior ever since he could walk, and so his life revolved around that. Going from a lowly foot soldier to practically straight to the top as captain wasn’t something he planned, more like predetermined by the elder knights - something he’s kinda resented as time went on. Since he didn’t have any other aspirations, he just did as he was told because it never occurred to him that he was allowed to make his own choices. He speculated that maybe if it weren’t for the fact that he was from what they called “The Streets”, rather than a noble like most knights were, maybe he would have been a lot more sheltered and isolated.

The more I learn about his past - which is not much, really, - the more I get why he seems kind of aloof and keeps things vague. I guess after spending centuries fighting a losing battle without really understanding why it had to be you who suffered, but doing so anyway out of obligation, it’s no wonder why he struggled a lot after the calamity passed. And somehow, he survived despite all odds. So what happens next since you’re still alive and kicking? Raiden was surprised that he chose to stick around, though it makes sense why considering that he had nowhere to go and wandering the wilderness probably wouldn’t do him any good since it’ll be more of the same, except maybe being even more lost and directionless.

Obviously, most people don’t have extreme scenarios like that, but it’s my long winded way of saying that it’s good to have a wide range of interests and not let yourself be boxed in. But in order to do so, you need to be able to step out of your comfort zone and not be afraid to do things badly. After all, you need to start off somewhere before you get good. And even if you still aren’t that good, if you enjoy it, then that’s all that really matters.

Do it for yourself. Don’t let other voices cloud your mind with unwarranted criticism, especially when that critic is yourself.

As I’ve said, I was inspired to take my violin out after all these years. Seeing how enthusiastic Dainn and Makoto are, I really wished I appreciated playing the violin more. I mean, it was a school thing, and I’m pretty sure no one in an intermediate orchestra set out to be professional musicians, but still. At least I do have an appreciation for classical music and orchestras, even on a superficial level as in they sound good and I think more people should get into them. I have been getting into more artists who are known for incorporating classical elements in their music - a genre that’s often considered old, outdated, and kinda inaccessible - and introducing modern audiences to them, so I guess that’s something.

So we had some fun playing around with our instruments and I didn’t feel self conscious about my playing at all. I was surprised that playing the violin still came somewhat naturally to me - that’s muscle memory, I guess. Maybe I’m not the best at playing, but that’s not gonna stop me from trying. I doubt I’ll be picking up my violin again anytime soon, but if I feel like it, there’s a lot of songs I’d want to learn how to play. I won’t be playing in any symphony orchestras - not that I want to, that sounds too intimidating! - but I’ll be playing for me, which is for fun and curiosity, and that’s more than good enough.

And despite playing the violin for five years, I never mastered the vibrato, which is a shame because I want to be able to do it, even just for the sake of sounding like I know what I’m doing. Dainn asked me if I had any tips on vibrato as he’s been struggling with that and I said well, we’re on the same boat. But there’s nothing stopping us from attempting, which we did.

How did we do? Horribly. Did we know what we were doing? Hell no! And it was funny, actually. Nothing like bonding over being bad at something and getting a laugh out of it. I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it someday - I’m counting on it!

That said, it would be nice to be able to master the vibrato. I mean, these days, you can find tutorials on pretty much anything. So if I ever decide to pick up my violin and learn a bunch of new stuff, I’m hoping it wouldn’t be too hard to find something. But again, I’m not really looking to becoming a maestro, though I’m open to playing more for funsies. I think for me, the freedom to be able to choose what you want to get out of an activity that has less to do with improving your skills like it’s a competition and more with improving out of curiosity does more to retain my interest.

Along with jamming out as an improv orchestra, we’ve been doing quite a bit of baking too. Baking is another thing that I’m not always the best at, but I enjoy nonetheless. I mean, I’d like to think I’m kinda above average when it comes to baking since I do it kind of often. I don’t tend to gravitate towards complex recipes that take a lot of steps and prep, but I do like to occasionally challenge myself with a recipe that’s slightly out of my comfort zone.

While I’m happy to say that most of my baking turns out good, I have had a few flops here and there - some which unfortunately end up being a waste. I try to salvage it because wasting food is not good - and in most cases, thankfully, it’s still edible, just not something I’d want to have again - but sometimes, usually for the sake of your stomach if it’s that bad, you have to give up and call it a day.

Maybe our impromptu orchestra session made us a bit more daring than usual, which was why we decided to challenge ourselves a bit in the kitchen. Then again, with Raiden taking charge, she tends to encourage us to push our limits. She is an expert on making all kinds of desserts, and so if you want to tackle a recipe that seems kinda daunting to take on alone, ask her for help. Even if it doesn’t turn out successful, at least we’ll have a good time trying to figure it out!

The toughest recipe by far was this angelcloud cake, a recipe that Raiden randomly found online in some ancient cookbook. Part of the reason why she chose this recipe was because she kinda expected us to fail. At a quick glance, the way the recipe is written is…well, I guess cramming in your life’s story in a recipe has always been a thing. Not to mention that it’s really disorganized, so even if you read through the recipe several times, it still doesn’t really make a lot of sense. And we’re pretty sure that there’s a lot of errors as the logic behind the measurements don’t really add up.

That said, I’ve been curious about where exactly this recipe originated from. Raiden went down a rabbit hole trying to uncover the recipe’s origins, but because it’s ancient, there’s not a lot. With what little information that’s available, it’s all conflicting. The conclusion we came up with is that it was probably one of those recipes that was probably passed down by families where no one bothered to write it out because everyone knew it. The one time someone decided to put it in writing, it ended up being inaccurate, and that’s the one that survived the passage of time. Go figure.

Sure, there were frustrations when things turned out badly, but it wasn’t so bad that we ended up wasting a bunch of perfectly good ingredients. I think it helped that we kinda knew it wasn’t gonna work, but we wanted to try to figure it out anyway because we were curious. The fun kind of fuck around and find out.

Even though we didn’t end up with a light and fluffy angelcloud cake, the final product, a somewhat dense and lopsided buttery vanilla cake, turned out pretty good. Raiden knows how to salvage a failing recipe and managed to turn the sad mess of merengues into a really thick cake batter. She did take a huge risk by putting a lot of butter in there, but it somehow worked. Without it, I can’t imagine how the cake would have tasted - probably super bland and dry.

Then we baked cupcakes, which went a lot more smoothly - not to mention that we had a lot less dishes to wash. We put up a poll and it seems like everyone was in the mood for matcha strawberry cupcakes, which go well with tea. As the snow keeps falling, tea has been our go-to drink to warm us up.

What better way to spend time cooped up inside than with music and cake?

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#animal crossing pocket camp #animal crossing #diary of a junebug #headcanon ramble

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