#i got TIRED of writing aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[strawberryseeded]

ITADORI YUJI MYSTERIES AS OF NOW

number 1: why is he so crazy even BEFORE becoming a jujutsu sorcerer

it seems like he had a normal and happy upbringing, he never even met his real parents or had any contact w the sorcery world before the events in the series (his own birth doesnt count) so WHY IS HE LIKE THIS T-T

im so serious. he is UNHINGED. its like his survival instinct kicks in a million years later than normal. stubborn and sturdy almost to a fault, both physically and mentally, always running towards danger unprepared, getting seriously hurt, and getting back up again. like yea ok todo picked him up during his fight w mahito but, dude, itadori has died TWICE in the series till now n hes still going, his will stronger than ever before (ya know wat they say tho, 3rd times the charm am i right hahah*WRECKS THE ROOM*)

i mean even gojo says hes not ok in the head in like chapter 5 (FIVE!!!!!!!!!)

tbh this is the question that bothers me the most but its also prob the one that will never be answered...man..

number 2: did he fucking eat his sibilings.....(spoilers: wrong question)

......who are not rly people i guess..or human.... they are curse/human hybrids which were never truly "born" so they are uh...wombs..or fetuses or smt like dat...mmh yeah knowing this doesnt make it sound less horrifying..

at first i thought he had eaten sukunas last "missing" finger cos he looked so disgusted while saying so (yay sukuita hatred is mutual💕👰🤵)..also hes eaten like 15 of those things till now, so yanno its our daily bread for him..

but then hes talking 2 choso abt this n its like..dude...... dude what do you mean living as a part of you..

long story short: YES HE DID HE ATE THESE FREAKIGN THINGS:

& obviously since hes itadori yuji they didnt take over n instead he got their powers and techniques. i think thats where he got his cool new armor that kinda looks like tough flesh.

and apparently he can manipulate his own blood also, which again i think its the result of eating the death paintings. he made it explode in sukunas face lol but idk if he can do other things w it maybe i missed smt.

he learned to use the technique super fast too BUT thats probably due to the "cheating" yuta metions when sukuna asks how the fuck did they power up so fast. i saw a yt video theorizing this was maybe due to training done in a simple domain that compresses time (like when maki trained w the sumo guy)...idk dude..

(btw i think so, so often abt how gojo theorized that itadori maybe could use sukunas technique/s since itadori was borrowing his cursed power….i wonder if he never could do it cos sukuna was so freaking uncooperative until the bitter end aka their soul divorce lol.. bc clearly itadori is capable of learning techniques that are not his own..idk idkkkk just sayin….wondering…)

OH YEA i almost 4got cos i just made another post abt it but he can also use the fucking reverse curse technique as well. bro even gojo had trouble mastering that..like again yea they "cheated" but still wow.

number 3: this freaking dude can touch souls now

ok we kinda knew this already from mahito and itadori's 1st fight but..this scene:

they switched bodies!!!!!!!......????? i think???!! and i cant think of other reason except an "exchange of souls" bc in jjks world sukunas soul habiting itadoris or megumis body, or the death paintings taking over human bodies are possible ways in which a soul can get inside another body. whats more, mahitos or nobaras techniques can directly affect the soul so this shud totally be possible.

& it looks like itadori in particular can affect others' soul with precision.

the question is How the hell..... bc as far as we know no one else has this power amongst the surviving sorcerers (i want her (nobara) back so bad rn....)

IT COULD BE that book choso got from yuki that contained all of her research abt the soul..still, itadori is the only one whos shown to be able to actually be able to do this so accurately. sukuna is the one who confirms it:

yea idk dude itadori yuji is an absolute beast..im so weirded out when i see ppl underestimate him n caling him an npc, dumb, etc, lol ToT he is such a good character it drives me insanies ..i didnt even touch on his thematic weight in the series (bc OF COURSE, as the main character, he is key in this. his beliefs are core to his character and directly opposes sukunas, in spite of the asshole always laughing in his face about ..just kidding its obviously BECAUSE he is so different from itadori that he just doesnt get it n simply disregards him as a powerless idiot..i mean we r talking abt the guy who valued power so much he casted away everything else, even his own humanityaaaAAAH ok ill shut up nowwww)

#i got TIRED of writing aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA #whatever im off to read fanfics now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk manga spoilers #di4ry

[aquaquadrant]

Aqua. Aqua!! The new chapter!!!!! It was so good!!!! The writing! Superb! The angst! The rescue! The relief! The ENDING!!! Of both sections!!! I was so emotionally invested reading it, it literally used a good deal of my energy and now I am Tired!!! the secret is OUT!! Bravo is MAD!! You Do Not Touch one of the hermits-and-adjacent-friends!! Bravo killing himself to escape atlas and ending up at spawn! The F*CKING PARALLELS!!!!! I’m going insane!!! (Good) aaaaAaAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Absolutely captivated by the fact that we all thought it was gonna be the DL players rescuing Tango, but now the secrets out!! And it might end up being tango leading the DL players to rescue Bravo instead!! What a twist!! What a marvellous switch!!! A masterful play of expectations!! I cannot wait for the extremely emotionally charged conversations to follow!!!!! I reacted out loud when atlas got away!!!

I’m sure I will have more words as I get to Process this absolutely beautiful piece of art, but for now, your fans are feral abt this au, and we are always hungry for more. Take as much time as you need to work on the next piece, we are certain to love it. Thank you so much, this was such a wonderful surprise!

heheheh i’m SO glad i was able to keep things interesting. i’ve always felt that a story, if done well, can still be impactful even if the audience guesses what’s going to happen. so i don’t mind when ppl correctly guess future plot points, but at the same time it’s neat to pull off a few twists here and there ;3

and thank you, this prob was sadly the last update i’ll get out before summer ends so the response has been very encouraging. we’re actually getting quite close to the end of ‘from eden’ as i have just three more parts planned (ofc that’s not including the post-canon drabbles i may or may not feel inclined to write). and i have to stick to only three more updates bc i’ve run out of lyrics in the song to use as titles hagsjdgah

#hels to pay au #HTP ask #i’d never change my plan just because someone correctly guessed what’s gonna happen #i don’t think shock value is more important than telling a satisfying cohesive story #but sometimes it’s nice to surprise ppl :]

[just-zenitsu]

oh that makes me curious... do you think zenitsu was thrown between orphanages and foster homes as a kid? or maybe he was in one until he ran away, either when he eloped or some time before and then lived on the street from then... or did he just live on the streets his whole childhood? ive been wondering this for days and its been on my mind for ages

*deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

first of all id like to say that i have like three fic ideas that explore his past (whether it focuses on how he grew up or not) BUT THANK U FOR INDULGING ME GUYS IM DEFINITELY RAMBLING ABT EACH OF THEM NOW… (this is a fucking monster tho. so its under read more)

* @anon THATS A WHOLE ASS MOOD TBH. i spend literal hours at night thinking abt whether he was in an orphanage or a street kid. ive wrote him living in the streets  and getting sent to an orphanage when he was caught stealing. whereas i ALSO have mindless scribbled notes of modern au where his parents left him in an orphanage but bc of bad experiences (and thats putting it lightly) he gets sent to different homes A LOT and eventually gets kicked out at some point, ILL GET TO THAT LATER IN A BIT

* SINCE im trying to NOT write a fic here ill just list down headcanons and stuff bc YEET!!!! and for the sake of convenience lets just say he was both sent to an orphanage and lived as a street kid :”DD

* lets talk abt hcs ive seen first,, jpn fandom mostly all seem to hc him as a street kid who lived by working on odd jobs and the sort. ofc more often than not he just gets the bare amount for payment and the people he works for arent really nice :(( they never have the nicest words to say and sometimes they even hit him. zen sometimes endures it bc its not like he has much of a choice in the end. other times he runs away crying and scared.

* he also doesnt really have a permanent home so he wanders a lot carrying what little stuff he owns (probably a few clothes or a worn-out futon or something)

* he’s taken advantage of a lot,, whether it’d be people tricking him into doing some work saying ‘he’ll be given something good in return’ or something equally vague. he usually wonders why their words sound so kind in comparison to their heartbeats that sound… off,, its not until he’s older that he gets an answer to that question

* bc he cant be picky i like to think that its not that hard for him to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. he also curls up a lot into a ball when he sleeps. he likes being cooped up into small spaces, it makes him feel safe and that no one can get him. 

* was initially very verbal about his hearing condition (something along the lines of saying ‘i heard you say that ____’ or ‘hey, do you hear that’ etc etc.) people think hes creepy and/or he’s lying most of the time. he eventually doesnt really wanna talk about it anymore once someone came this close to threatening to cut his ears off.

* i think we can say that zen lived in the city? its why he likes expensive things and the sort, and he has a lot of stock knowledge about how the city works and stuff like that, not to say that he’s ever really participated in it 

* as a child (and even as he got older) zenitsu’s favorite season is spring, autumn being a close second. he likes spring bc the air is fresh and he can find flowers in the outskirts of the city, surviving despite growing in cracked concrete. he makes little flower crowns out of them!

* he likes autumn bc the way the leaves change is pretty! but its only second to spring bc the flowers usually wilt by then and he gets cold :(

* he doesnt like winter simply because it is VERY cold. he dislikes summer the most tho bc the sound of literal thousands of cicadas give him a lot of headaches aaa 

* is very used to being hungry when he goes to sleep. he makes due with it as best as he can. one of his fondest memories is a frail old man who owns a sweet bun cart that gives him buns in exchange for a lower price than what he actually sells them for. on a day where he thinks the old man looks more tired and quiet than usual, zenitsu takes it upon himself to give him a flower crown. 

* unfortunately he never is able to give it, bc the next day, or days after that, zenitsu never sees him again.

* he has experience bein a sneaky little thief! its the reason on why he can easily take sweets without permission at the butterfly estate in canon hehe

* but its this very same reason that he gets sent to an orphanage, he gets caught! and bc he is a Literal Child. they send him to foster care woohoo

* (GOD THIS IS GETTING SO LONG BUT PLS DEAL WITH MY RAMBLING….)

* i dont have a clear idea on how zenitsu couldve been treated in an orphanage. but all in all, he’s just very grateful to be given some kind of semblance of a home and food

* he learned how to speak (barely) when he lived in the streets, but they teach the basic minimum and suddenly he’s learning all these sorts of things

* the people who took care of them arent the most affectionate, neither are the kids he lives with. zenitsu’s crying is often really looked down upon, he tries to stop but he can’t really help it. he’s not really anyones favorite person here

* there’s a small somewhat neglected garden in the orphanage’s backyard. he spends his time here when everyones playing and no one wants to play with him

* every time someone comes to adopt a kid he cries and begs for them to adopt him whenever they show a spark of interest towards him. it goes as bad as u think it does, they dont like that type of kid, and as such they assume everyone else is like that and leaves w/o taking anyone. zenitsu isnt allowed to eat dinner in these nights ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

* bc of the latter reason, kids gang up and bully him a lot. zenitsu tries to go along w it bc its the ONLY time anyone ever pays attention to him, but at the end of the day the only thing he gets is scratches and bruises from being pushed around and lots of words that hurt his heart

* (WAHH. OPK OK IM SORRY IM SAD NOW AINNFJKKJFDFHKH..)

* people think he’s a nuisance more or less. and then he gets sent to varied foster homes again and again bc he’s ‘difficult to deal with’ and going back to the first bullet point, he gets kicked out again wAH. at this point he might have been 15 and its when he starts trying to date girls, despite hearing everyone’s sounds of deceit and lies time and time again, he still goes through with it. and the rest is canon, 

OK. thats basically my brain vomit about zenitsu backstory. i am deceased and IM JUST PURELY FROTHING AT THE MOUTH EVERYTIME I THINK ABT HIM KDFKLGDFDGHF. thank u sm if u read this far, i appreciate it ;_______;

#ask #KHGJSKGKJGD THIS TOOK SO LONG HAHAHHAHAH #headcanons #.post #screaming but w feeling

[akaluan]

Delays in future chapters

A while back I posted an update that I was starting to go through the process of job hunting thanks to a headhunter who believed she could get me something. Well, that job that I posted about fell through, but last week I was made aware of another potential contract and went with it. Phone interview last Wednesday, in person interview this Monday, and TODAY I just found out that they want to go ahead and hire me. I’m currently scheduled to start on Monday so long as all the paperwork clears immediately.

What this means for you guys: I am not abandoning DE, or any of my other writing. I do this for fun, it’s enjoyable, and I love y’all. HOWEVER! I am walking into the aftermath of a deathmarch; they’ve just released Version 2 of their software into Beta, with all the requisite bugs etc that implies. They’re down a team member who decided to bail on them right as they started the release cycle. I need to dedicate a lot of time and energy to getting my head around their systems and their code base, so that I can start to take some pressure off of the other two coders.

This month’s chapter will probably be delayed.

I can’t avoid this. I’m probably going to be exhausted and tired from settling into a new situation. This is essentially a startup company (in terms of size) which means I need to make sure I get along with and can work with any of the people.

But I’m also not going to stiff you guys with a sub-par chapter. So I’ll tap away on it slowly as I have energy, but no promises it’ll be out on schedule.

Love you all!

#Dragon eclipse #writing update #life update #i got a job! #it's going to be a tiring job #for at least a month or so #then things should calm down again #i won't abandon my writing #love you all too much for that #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[ca-3]

Hello! Can you share more hc or thoughts on KuroMahuSaki? Because I'm slowly getting on board, the dynamic is awesome!

Hello! Also sorry I’m 2 days(??) late to this, I’ve been real busy and tired.

But omg, it always makes me happy when people start to get on board with this ship!!! Both KuroMahi and SakuMahi are good and deserve love and respect~ 💙❤💚 I love idea of the dynamics a lot too. 

Sure! I can share some more random thoughts and hcs for KuroMahiSaku! Man, where do I even start… OvO;;

I guess I’ll start with the cuter hcs? and see what else comes to mind from there. I don’t know, I don’t usually write these out so I’ll do my best. 

In a happier world/totally not delusional ending I always imagined that the three of them end up all living together in the apartment,(because think of all the endless shenanigans that could happen from that.) 

Sakuya always quickly offering to help Mahiru with the chores and Kuro watching them not really caring at first (cause hey means he doesn’t have to do it even more now and he can relax.) and Kuro always calls Sakuya a “suck up” for it when he instantly jumps up to help lol, but Kuro sees how much fun they have and how much closer the two of them become and seeing that helps him participate more in that kind of thing and Kuro really ends up enjoying it and spending time with them. 

In the early days of this though(like before Sakuya and Kuro completely warm up to each other) I can definitely see the two of them competing with the chores sometimes. Like seeing who can do things faster and more efficiently than the other and see who can impress Mahiru with their housekeeper skills. But whenever they end up competing it usually leads to the job looking very rushed and sloppy from both of them and Mahiru scolds them about it and tells them they should work together and NOT compete like idiots. (Oh what is Mahi going to do with these boys?? His poor laundry can’t take much more of this hahaha)

Imagine members of Team Melancholy and the Servamp Family coming over every so often. Both Sakuya and Kuro having their “annoying relatives™” coming over from time to time. It’s usually absolute chaos when they all come together but ends up being a good time a lot. (Again in an ideal happy ending I’m hoping the war between them all ends peacefully and everyone can have gatherings and be friends like this. JUST LET ME HAVE THIS THOUGHT PLEASE. I KNOW WE MIGHT LOSE SOME CHARACTERS ALONG THE WAY. BUT I NEED THEM ALL HAPPY. PLEASE.)

Tsubaki. Just imagine Tsubaki constantly teasing Kuro and Sakuya about stuff and their “relationship” with Mahiru. You know he would, how could Tsubaki not tease his older brother and his young subclass about it? “It’s so fun!” (I’m sure some of the others do this sometimes too for sure, but Tsubaki is close to them both so he gets the best of worlds and he loves it. lol) 

I like to imagine that a cute way that Sakuya and Kuro can bond is over their daily interests. For example, Kuro likes video games and Sakuya likes music. Sakuya’s canon interests include browsing music stores and playing rhythm games. So I can just imagined one day Kuro being like “What???? You don’t really play anything besides rhythm games??? What’s wrong with you?” Or something like that lol and makes Sakuya try something else for once. Or maybe Sakuya or Kuro challenging the other in a game of their choice and it results in several rounds of different kinds of gaming. (Sakuya purposely keeps picking rhythm games, so he can get a guaranteed win.) But Mahiru is so happy to see them having fun.

Mahiru definitely joins in their gaming sessions sometimes. (I don’t know why but I imagine Sakuya lets Mahiru win a lot lololol and Kuro is just over there like “God, what a suck up…” for the 800th time, but still constantly destroys them both in video games because you guys know Kuro has to be the best player out of the 3 of them.) 

Eventually sharing these interests will result in Sakuya sharing music with Kuro. (Sure, we don’t know if Kuro is a huge music fan or even what kind of music he likes,but I’m sure Sakuya and Kuro’s music tastes would be different enough that they would be able to share unique stuff with each other.) 

Imagine them all cooking dinner together. Mahiru trying to teach these two kitchen disasters how to cook. (Kuro sometimes eating some of the ingredients or completed parts of the meal before they even finish everything or just needing help in general sometimes haha, Mahiru thinks its rather cute sometimes too and doesn’t mind showing Kuro how.) I actually have a lot of thoughts about them cooking and just doing chores together. HELP ME. 

I doodled something like this once before a long time ago, but since Mahiru is still a human I like to imagine him slowly getting taller than both Sakuya and Kuro(even though not by that much, Mahiru is still the shortest out of three, soooooooo I just really like this idea.) Mahiru continually thinking it’s funny when they notice the changes and when either of them get confused or flustered by the fact “Oh what? Hey… you’re eye level to me now.” (Oh, those two poor immortal babies.) 

A bit of a sudden sadder thought here though, but I’m sure Kuro and Sakuya share the over-whelming sense of dread knowing Mahiru won’t last forever. Mahiru is still a human after all. But hey…. they will still have each other. Besides, it would be so sad that they stopped being friends or whatever they ended up becoming just because they lost Mahiru. Kuro and Sakuya would know Mahiru would probably want them to stay close and not fall apart because he’s no longer there. Mahiru would want them to be friends on their own and not just for him. 

Okay, but imagine school starting up again for Mahiru. Imagine Mahiru thinking Sakuya should go back to school with him(and kitty Kuro of course). Just like how it used to be. But Sakuya instantly being apprehensive and saying a lot of things like “Oh… n-no Mahiru… I can’t do that. You know I can’t. Not after the way I left and what I did… I don’t belong there….and they don’t remember me anymore…you know that.”  Mahiru would be saddened by Sakuya’s words and negativity because of the emotional baggage that comes with even the good memories of their time in school together. But Mahiru would maybe reassure Sakuya saying things like “Well…things are different now and I wouldn’t want to leave you here alone almost everyday. I just thought it might be the best solution for us all and I thought… I thought that’s what you originally wanted because now you have that choice again…” (FOR  REAL THOUGH GUYS SAKUYA’S ORIGINAL WISH WAS TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL WITH MAHIRU, RYUSEI AND KOYUKI AND THEN LEAVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT ANY COMMOTION  BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE’S A VAMPIRE AND CAN’T STAY WITH THEM AND I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) 

Even though this is Sakuya’s internal dialogue here, it’s a still a very real thing he wanted AND I THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH. THE BOY JUST WANTS TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL AND BE A “NORMAL” TEEN BECAUSE HE NEVER GOT THAT BEFORE AND IT HURTS MEEEE.  ITS LITERALLY NO JOKE. 

okay need to end this hc here cause I actually have too many thoughts about this and could go on about this. 

Anyways, don’t think I forgot about Uncle Tooru haha but I can see things going a couple of ways with explaining things to him. (I mean, he’s got to find out about Mahiru’s involvement with vampires in the canon story eventually. Right?? Although…. I still wonder about Tooru’s potential involvement with C3…? but that’s another conversation for another time. But it makes me curious about this hc.) He technically knows about Kuro already. Only in cat form though in canon….and Tooru knows Sakuya exists as Mahiru’s friend still too and Tooru is the one who helped Mahiru realize he should go after Sakuya in the canon story. So I wonder if things would start out with Mahiru being like “Um… is it okay if my friend here stays for awhile?” or maybe they would just be at the point where they straight up tell the truth when they get chance. (Again, just a lot of ways this can play out. So aaaaaahhhh)

I’m sure there are times Mahiru misses his mother, especially when it gets around to the day the accident happened and I already had a small thought/headcanon that Kuro helps comfort Mahiru around that time the best he can, Mahiru has comforted Kuro during tough times and helped him face his regrets, so of course Kuro would do something like this for Mahiru. But now hear me out with this too. I also think the same thing happens for Sakuya but with his older sister, cause it’s no doubt she was very important to Sakuya. These losses are equally traumatic for Mahiru and Sakuya because they both lost important family members at a very young age. But they definitely mourn differently about it. I feel like Sakuya doesn’t like showing this kind of “weakness” and his sister/past overall is likely already a very touchy subject to bring up around him. (I mean we had to have Tsubaki tell Sakuya’s past in the canon story and not Sakuya himself, so I feel it’s something he definitely hates talking about and probably wouldn’t have ever mentioned it to Mahiru if it wasn’t for Tsubaki.) I feel like Sakuya would cry somewhere secretly in silence, because he doesn’t want anyone to ask him about it. I mean he’s technically done that before over Mahiru *cough* *cough* never forget episode 4 *cough* As much as Mahiru is likely to be the one to help Sakuya open up more and being the one Sakuya feels most comfortable talking to….I really really do like the idea of Sakuya and Kuro becoming close too and I truthfully don’t talk about it enough. I like the thought of Kuro actually beginning to really care about him first. So I like the thought of Kuro awkwardly trying to figure it out there’s anything he can do and if he should do any kind of physical contact or anything??? Kuro trying his best to be more social and showing more care in his own little Kuro way, gives me life alright? I need more of this kind of character development and Kuro trying to interact with others. I get the funniest thought of Kuro panicking and just patting Sakuya on the head and being like….”uh… there, there.” Help him he is trying. Kuro knows how to handle Mahiru but not green boy yet.  

I realized these hcs and thoughts slowly are getting more and more into angst territory, but hey I already said things wouldn’t always be smooth sailing for this ship. It would take a lot of building up.  

But it was nice talking about the fun ideas rather than mostly discussing angsty canon stuff. 

Since this is already getting super long and will turn into more rambles I will stop for now. Cause the more I talk the longer and more elaborate I try to get.  I wasn’t joking when I said I have way too many thoughts. 😂😂😂

Anyways, thanks for asking!!!! ❤❤❤❤💚💚💚💚💙💙💙💙 (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

#ca3 asks #i cant shut up about them and this isn't even where my thoughts end #but i had to summarize lol #kuromahisaku #servamp #correlation-not-causation

[sofiathebirb]

Day 5 - I don’t care

It's begin of little hell

Day 5 ; Wednesday

02.09.2020

(from this moment I wrote everything in my notebook)

10:22 I'm in school, so idk what happening because I'm tired and bored

10:46 I'm so scared

11:16 ------ (nothing is written here, because I can't write for some reason and I have no idea what I was going to write here)

11:35 class just ended it wasn't that bad. I don't have a phone or things to do so I'll write down all my thoughts. Ah, there is nothing to write about my dream. I was in town where I lived be[fore] (I didn't finish this because I had to go from class in the corridor of school because of break time. I'll rewrite it at the end of day consultation.)

??:?? I went from class because of some reason for 20 minutes... so I was thinking about how my dad is bad, how my mom is very nice and good, but she didn't allow me to be myself, and that fact that she is transphobe (and wish that people like this will suffer and die). I thought a little about suicide and things that I should make, but most of the time I was look into boid with hopeless look.

12:45 We had to work in pairs, but i can't really do that because i didn't read any books last year because of depression. I was thinking about suicide for whole year. I felt too bad to really do something in school (and outside of school). People say that I should focus on exam, but instead I thinking about how to not make suicide. And it's really hard. I doubt I really need help.

13:01 I'm really broken. Even though things in my life get better, I feel only worse. Well, yes there is a chance that everything will be even worse than before, but it's only a chance,  it only can happen, but should it happen? I start hurting myself even more than before and... well honestly if my life will start  going worse than before , I will get perfect balance, I mean there would be reasons why I'm depressed or suicidal, because now I mainly fell bad because of my past and of my hopeless future like now I'm not really starving and I'm living in city omg. I really live very well, I don't even need to compare myself to other people.

??:?? Idk what time is now I can't really check, but I don't really know how to not kill myself. I really regret that I burn my previous diary. I don't understand why I'm suffering. why did I feel so bad. Because I can't be myself? I never was myself, why I start suffering that much only now. Why I didn't make any steps to live before why I started when I feel that it's too late. And why i'm doing things that late, because my parents always did everything at the last moment with a lot of stress and pain idk. I hate this diary, I think I want to set it on fire again. I ---- (nothing is written here) . Ah... people really think that I'm retarted and idk what to do with this (and this is too annoying). I think that I might have autism, but I can't really check it, it's really bothering me, I think about it for a week...

Our class teacher gave us candy (snickers and bounty) because of her birthday (however it passed). When i'm weigh 60 kg i'm looks fat, when 58-59 kg i'm look underweight. It's better to loose 1 kg for me, ah, also it's 13:43.

13:44 I want to go home. I think there will be my little brother and he will scream at me again [I'm shit! I'm shit! *mumble* fucking dick]. I'm scared that I will die and someone will find my diary. I want to burn it. *I'm trying to remember lyrics of sad songs*. I feel so bad I have nausea right now. I think that I'm going crazy. I'm scared of my future so much. I scared for tomorrow, and for today. I think I forgot to upload previous day of my diary to tumblr. I also forgot to check reddit . _ . . I got distracted and forgot about it. I remembered that O gpt bi;;oed even here, sometimes even worse, but it was only because of one moment when Лева tried to find me, no I mean they (I mean he and group of his people) stalk me and tried to kill me, I don't remember how, but I solved this problem by doing something for him. They thought that I don't see them when they stalk me, but I always saw them (in brushes,far away. I just acting like I didn't notice them) and was very worried when I can't find them. I still little paranoid because of that, noww mainly I paranoid because of pedophiles that trying to find me and rape me, in most case kill me. I'm so scared now. Also it's 14:27. I need to make new text book for diary only! I feel so unsafe here... I remember the car of one pedophile in which he put me... ah... I want to cry right now. I hate this diary. I don't really have rights to hate something, so I just don't like them. I'm very paradoxical, I can't really pass any test. I will be very different in almost any test. I almost fixed that problem. I hate unexpected situations even when they are nice for me, it's Just makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't really say everything that wasn't even in text. People can write a tom of text (I meant volume of book), but in most cases I'll just say "ok;bad;well;nice..."

(end of writing in my notebook)

14:49 Рита accindly hit me and said "Fuck, i'm sorry :d" and runned away. It was funny

15:05 I'm home!

17:48 I have a panic attack right now aaaaaaaaaaaaa. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

18:05 I start feeling better... I am almost fine...

18:11 My brother started to scream at me and said a lot of things like when my mom asked him to stop and he answered with "He needs to be mocked from head to toe". He just spontaneously start to hate me.\

18:26 I'm very scared for my family... what if my parents really are going to divorce. It would be very bad... and actually good in some cases...

22:24 FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUK! Now I know I need to do everything myself. I won't get help! I need to get money on myself. Maybe I cannot even escape army.  I went so crazy and depressed.

I'll tell you a little about my dream because I forgot to. I was in town where I lived before and slowly fade in darkness, I start to walk like on dark ink on a fluid and then something start happening, I forgot already, creepy sounds or panic or what... maybe even something evil behind me that will try to catch my if I turn my head back.. maybe these things... but something happened and I was half in two parts. I awoke! It was a real nightmare. I dare you, I feel that in reality! aaah..

It's end of the day is soon 23:31 and I want to do a lot of things in the next seven days... but I have trouble tomorrow... I don't really care... I regret nothing even if everything in my life was my fault... I don't care about myself anymore... so I can do few things tha I want... but also can really make suicide... and maybe I will...