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#i haven't defended myself at all cause my self confidence is Non Existent
eliotcoldwater
·
4 years
Text
cannot Wait to get to figure out my relationship with my gender without the awful cisnormative, toxic masculinity, internalized transphobia, dysphoria goggles
#im ready to be obsessed with myself!
#ive turned into a shell of a person in the past year
#i need more lgbt friends
#ive been exclusively surrounded by cishet ppl for so long irl
#that i just. it's not even just internalized transphobia it's just. internalized everything
#trying so hard to fit in that it's made me disgusted with everything about myself
#i haven't defended myself at all cause my self confidence is Non Existent
#like just last friday. my sister was here with his bf to look after me post op
#we were watching a movie and he felt the need to go 'that's gay' in a Not Cool tone
#and i couldn't do anything but freeze up and feel ashamed of myself
#and my sister. in front of this cishet boyfriend who seems uncomfortable with lgbt people. asks me
#'sorry if it's personal but do you want a cock'
#i felt mortified and just ??? wanted to sink thru the fucking floor. and also just shout at her
#like this is my most supportive family member and her bf :) i luv it here
#at work i feel inferior and judged even if no one's been directly gross to me
#but you can tell from some people's attitudes. esp since my job is to make sure they're doing their job!
#having to go ask someone to do smth when it's obvious even saying hi to me is like stepping on some shit to them
#is so much fun! esp when if you tell them to do smth. they give you attitude.
#and if you try to be nice and ask. they snark back. like there's no way to win
#i would want to feel comfortable to even like. put a goddamn rainbow pin or smth on my backpack
#without automatically feeling ashamed of myself.
#god last year at pride i couldn't rlly talk to anyone cause i just didn't feel like i fit in with all the cis lgb
#cause i was pre everything (ok i had been on a very low dose of T for a month but Nothing noticable)
#like the lack of self confidence i have had grosses me out and i want to be better!!!
#i want to not feel so fucking scared and ashamed and inferior and gross!!! i want my pride back
#the kinda pride i had like. two or three years ago! when i wasn't so highly aware of how deeply the hatred runs
#i just got so incredibly scared of existing as bisexual trans man
#idk it's just so sad and feels pathetic that it got to me to this level where ive just regressed
#god. i feel even worse than i ever did in the closet
#niilo.txt
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