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wh0refornikolailantsov · 9 months

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Could you write something really angsty for Nikolai or Tolya

… or Matthias. He needs more fics too

Angst if my first language so, sure can do.

So this is one of a few ones I will be writing to the same song, because Half Life is giving such big Grisha x Non-Grisha energy. The song screams Helnik and Zoyalai, that whole "you're grisha and you can do amazing things and I will offer up my pathetic human life in service to keeping you safe if that's what it takes," energy. So I'll do both.

Wars Were Waged For Less Honourable Things Than Love - Matthias Helvar

Content Warnings: Canon Compliant Threat, Violence, And Discussions Of Death. Prejudice. Fighting Rings. Sacrifice. Trading Places. Mentions Of Viewing Grisha And Prisoners As Property. Explicit Language. Canon Divergent Storyline. Not Beta/Proof Read.

Grisha!Reader

The wire that stands between the crowd of the cage match and the fighters feels like it's laced with acid as you curl your fingers around the loops. You're done looking for weakness, for broken links. You are the only broken link in this place.

You're waiting. You spend all your time waiting, for these agonising moments, the lead up to seeing him, and then the torment of watching, of seeing what comes next.

In the breaths before you see him again, you are forced to relive it over and over, those ruined and savoured memories before the cage, before the truth so brutally came to light.

Your bruises feel as fresh as the days you got them, even though they're long healed, you can see that look in his eyes as if he was standing in front of you, those eyes tearing into yours, the needing to know, the desperation to right the wrong.

Please, don’t ask me who hurt me. Please, don’t use those words.

You regret ever giving in, ever telling him, ever slipping up to begin with. It was one thing for Matthias to know what you are, what you do, and love you anyway. But standing against those who were raised on the same type of hatred but with looser laws and bigger capacities for hate towards Grisha. You were nothing more than a fighting dog to them, and when you escaped you had planned on never coming back. But Matthias' loyalty, his bonds, it's what made you think you could trust him to begin with, when Nina said you could you believed her, but you did more than that in the end. You fell in love with him.

And he fell in love with you. Something seeming even more unlikely.

And it landed him here. In this cage, taking your place as the prize fight dog. The crowd starts jeering and cheering in equal measure.

"They tried to take me back, I fought, they will keep coming back," you told him as he tended to your bruise.

"You need to leave," Inej stated, "while you can."

"I can't leave," you pointed out, eyes on Matthias, as he tried to not hurt you in cleaning you up.

"They need to learn that a wolf will not be a pet, no matter what you feed it," he stated, "and neither will you."

He had been so confident he could bring this whole thing down, and instead he just took your place, and you know, in the ways that make your chest hurt, he chose to do that. Better him that you. That thought was eating you from the inside out.

He is already injured before the fight starts. Never really getting what he needs to recover, never getting a real chance. They don't want to give him one, he is a winner, but they'd rather not the risk. Fjerdan makes him a risk. Crow makes him a risk. You make him a risk. Besides, they still want you, and until he falls, he is between you and them, and you and the cage.

You know he won't seek you out in the crowd, because a part of him, the part of him filled with pride and a need to protect hopes that you won't be there, watching, waiting. Because he doesn't want that for you. He doesn't want you to see him like this. But you're always there, and his eyes find yours in the crowd every time.

"Matthias," you whisper, knowing even if you screamed it your voice would not carry over the crowd.

You watch the fights, it is the hardest thing you ever do, but you watch them, as if taking your eyes off him might condemn him to failure, and failure here, like this could get him killed. It's harder than you ever found fighting to be.

Not that long ago, Matthias was on the other side of this battle, it was the Fjerdan fighting the Grisha, now it's the Fjerdan fighting for the Grisha. For those who changed him, for those who saved him, and for those who love him.

Nina places a hand on your shoulder and you flinch. "Come on, you shouldn't be here," she tells you, "you shouldn't be watching."

"Until your gangster finds a fix for this Nina, what else can I do?" you ask, the question makes your heart churn and stomach twist. You feel so sick and dizzied by it all.

"I want him out of here," Nina tells you, "you know I want him out, you know how I care for Matthias, how I have always cared for Matthias, you know that. I am doing everything I can, and so is Brekker."

"Not everything," you say.

"Matthias wouldn't allow it," she reminds you, and that only makes your heart ache more severe. Matthias, protecting you, making the others swear to do the same. Matthias. Matthias. Matthias.

"You didn't..." you inhale deeply and Nina guides you away from the crowd, despite your protest and how much you want to be there, at the fence, be with Matthias. "You weren't there, you didn't hear him."

"I can imagine the kind of thing he said," Nina assures you, but you are shaking your head before she even finishes her words.

"Not this," you tell her. "Not like this."

"Matthias?" You had asked, but you couldn't read him. You couldn't put it together, figure out what it was he was doing, what he was thinking.

"Can we go for a walk?" he had questioned. You agreed, you would have given him anything he had asked for, but you didn't realise what he it was he was trying to give you. Not until the words that ring over and over, rattling around in your mind like an endless echo.

"If this is the last time that we’ll еver borrow, I’ll give you my half life so you’ll see tomorrow."

You had known all too quickly and all too clearly exactly what that meant.

"He thinks his life is worth less than mine, how can he go so far in one direction that he is circling back on himself?" You ask. He had once thought you and Nina, all Grisha, were evil, not human. And now, his valuing you differently, as if you could mean more than him, be worth more than him.

"It's not because you are Grisha," Nina tells you, taking your hands in her own, "it's because you are you. That is what is worth more to him, you."

"I am not," you tell her. "I am not worth more than him, I am not worth anything without him."

"None of that," Nina says a little too sharply, only meaning to be stern. "None of that. We will fix this, we will, but I need you to not lose your head. You love him, don't you?"

Your eyes are burning when they meet hers. "Yes, Nina," you choke out, "I love him."

"And he loves you," Nina says, "so clearly, undeniably, unmistakably loves you, so I need you to hold onto that, okay?"

"There isn't anywhere that I wouldn't follow," you say more to yourself.

"Just focus on getting through till tomorrow," Nina says.

"I'm worried about him making it through till tomorrow," you say. You feel the threat to Matthias's life stronger than your own, his mortality feels more real than your own, more important than your own. You miss the irony of that.

"You two are truly cut from the same cloth," Nina whispers. "Let me take you home."

"I am not leaving him."

"You don't have much of a choice," she is trying to be gentle, she is trying so hard to get through to you but it isn't working. Your mind is overrun with all the pain and the worst case scenarios. You cannot listen to reason, you don't know how. You are walking away and shy of dragging you she doesn't know how to stop you.

You make it back to the fence, and the sight of the blood dripping down Matthias's arm makes you nauseated to the point you cannot tell if the blood is his or not. You're not sure which is really worse. His eyes meet yours and you feel everything stopping, time, sound, the beating of your heart in your chest.

"Go home," he mouths. Your heart comes back thumping so fast you're convinced it can be heard over the sounds of the crowd. You shake your head at him. "Go home," you hear his voice now, and it sounds stretched and deep, and you know how painful it must be for him to talk.

"Matt-,"

"Go," he says again before turning away. You feel your legs falling out from under you. Nina catches you, hands on your arms.

"Come on," she whispers.

"Is this is the last time that we'll ever borrow?" You whisper.

"Come on... I'll get you home, we can talk about it tomorrow."

#shadow and bone #grishaverse #six of crows #matthias helvar #matthias x reader #matthias helvar x reader #six of crows matthias

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aceinejghafa · 1 year

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just finished a binge watch of shadow & bone season 2... have some thoughts!

(many many spoilers for every single episode, so I'm putting this under the cut)

generally: absolutely amazing. The incorporation of the crows & the relationships within the crows (cough WESPER WESPER WESPER cough) are especially well done.

however. I gotta say I'm mad about what happens to Alina. So much of the books is about how Alina doesn't want to be the one to fix Ravka—she doesn't want to be queen, she's only doing it because it needs to be done. look at this quote:

“They wanted a Grisha queen. Mal wanted a commoner queen. And what did I want? Peace for Ravka. A chance to sleep easy in my bed without fear. An end to the guilt and dread that I woke to every morning. There were old wants too, to be loved for who I was, not what I could do, to lie in a meadow with a boy’s arms around me and watch the wind move the clouds.”

She wants peace for Ravka, she doesn't want to spend her life ruling the country. That is so much of the point of Shadow and Bone — the happy ending isn't marrying a king and fixing the country; it's an ordinary life, full of ordinary things—if love can ever be called that. (interesting that nikolai was brought into that quote in the show. love that he's a hardcore malina shipper. actually I think I might like nikolai more in the show than in the books, which is saying something).

but ANYWAY the show just. destroyed alina's whole arc there. throughout the show, she's all "I need to fix Ravka" and she seems to want that responsibility, rather than just wanting it to actually get done.

and then the ending. using merzost to resurrect Mal. not losing her Sun Summoner powers (unless you count possibly trading them for Darkling powers, which I don't). MARRYING NIKOLAI. Mal becoming Sturmhond 2.0 is fun & all, and the show did lead up to it pretty well, but it's just not what book!Mal would have wanted. STOP HAVING A CRISIS OF PURPOSE AND LIVE AN ORDINARY LIFE FULL OF ORDINARY THINGS—

so yeah I might be mildly irritated by some parts of the show there

that being said—Nikolai is SO well done

I think I might've mentioned this earlier, but show Nikolai might just be better than book Nikolai (Nikolai in TGT, at least)

like... the whole love triangle situation was significantly better? Nikolai and Mal didn't hate each other—they actually had a pretty great friendship (and I'm guessing people are going to start shipping Nikolai/Mal/Alina a lot more sometime soon)? Nikolai didn't basically assault Alina? I'm actually really impressed since usually a show would Up The Drama, and this one didn't <3

Nikolai giving Alina the compass, which is associated with Mal's whole true north thing... and then Mal getting the compass in the end... actually pretty cool

the quote about hope being the wind in the sails! "when people say impossible, they usually mean improbable"! yes yes YES !!!

zoyalai hints <3 tbh I was hoping for more than that but I am obsessed with what I got <3

also! dominik being alive at the start! so we get to meet him! and get bits of backstory!

and then he died which. I was expecting. but also :(((((((((

speaking of dying.

DAVID AND GENYA OH MY GODS

kinda disappointed that they skipped the "I'm not ruined. I'm ruination" quote

but on the other hand! the I know metal speech! that was AMAZING <333333333 they are so soft

and then they. kill david off. and i CRY

THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN UNTIL ROW

so yeah upset about that but not really mad... denya is definitely one of the best ships in the show...

and then!!! the crows!!! the crows!!! the crows!!!

SO MUCH WESPER CONTENT. we are BLESSED guys. Jesper & Wylan having a one-night stand pre-canon??? then getting to know each other??? and having a more serious relationship??? amazing showstopping top-tier content

a bit worried about whatever happens in the soc spinoff when jesper finds out that wylan is a van eck—could be kinda painful

also I'm hoping they entirely skip jesper kissing kuwei, never really liked that bit in the books

"I kinda like your face" <<<< "maybe I liked your stupid face" but admittedly it's hard to do the book quote when you don't have the Kuwei tailoring plot

Wylan saving the day by knowing cool botanical facts <3 I love him so much guys

actually the whole thing with Sankta Neyar is fantastic? like WOW I was expecting to dislike any non-books content but I did NOT that thing was GREAT (and showed that there's a future for superpowerful Grisha that is not becoming the Darkling, which is excellent because it's TRUE).

Inej & Mal & Tolya & Tamar going off to hunt slavers together—some mixed feelings about that. I have faith that Inej & Kaz will meet up again in future seasons, but idk?

kinda weird how all those CK plot elements showed up... Kaz beats Pekka and makes him beg, but then Pekka just starts running Hellgate from inside? no real consequences? unsuccessful revenge? and all the plot from CK (fake plague, Alby) is used up already

so yeah that was annoying

but also the scene where Inej asks Kaz what he wants... and you can SEE the words You, Inej. You running through his head... and then he says "to die buried under a mountain of my own gold"... every time they quote the books I go FERAL and this is no exception

so basically I'm worried about what they'll do with the crows in possible later spinoffs/seasons but also I absolutely adore all the content they gave us <3

fun fact: I watched the whole show on 1.5x speed because I only had 5 and a half hours. I used subtitles so I could always understand what they were saying, the only weird thing was any shot of anyone walking ever. still worth it so that I could watch everything, though <3

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dadralt · 1 year

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so it’s the end of the year huh? that went by fast.

i finished my classes and internship, which were pretty intense. i’m so proud of myself. if you had told me a couple years ago i would’ve finished a 13-month course i never would’ve believed you. that was HUGE. it’s december now and i feel like i’m finally starting to recover from it lmao. anyway. been working on my portfolio a lot and trying to find a job. here’s to hoping 2023 will bring me that :’)

that’s for real life, on the fandom side.... well.............. it’s been quite messy, especially these last few months 😅😅

but i felt like a few people deserved a shout out, so here goes:

to becca @yenvengerberg i know i’ve told you this already but i truly wish there were more people like you. you’ve been the only person through this mess who’s been intelligent and kind and compassionate and used their brain. so thank you for not jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst and continuously proving to be the sweetest person on this webbedy site.

my beloved ely @heytheredeann for posting yenralt content through it all and keeping us alive. your fics are a gift and this fandom doesn’t deserve you.

my boo ava @fireflyxrebel-writes for putting up with me, being smart, and bitchy when it’s needed. for daring to say what others don’t. may 2023 be filled with zoyalai goodness, just for you!

darling cee @witch-and-her-witcher who i met this year and has been an absolute delight. you’re funny, and i love your writing, you’re kind, and way too pretty. it’s been a fun year by your side, you made this year better. this fandom doesn’t deserve you either btw.

and last but not least, the usual suspects, who’ve been showing up on my end of the year lists for 2 years now and i couldn’t be happier. melissa @yennefxr and RJ @eyklarsen you are the best besties i could’ve asked for. every time we talk you brighten my days, you make me laugh or cry or both. we’ve shared so much and we’ll continue to do so, i know it. i’ll always be grateful to have met you two. i’m sorry i haven’t watched your shows yet but i love you anyway. so so so much. more than streg loves dissecting girls. more than vilg loves being evil.

mwah mwah mwah on all your faces 🥰🥰🥰🥰

ps: if you’re not on this list it doesn’t mean i don’t love you but these 6 people have literally kept me sane

#moots stuff #txt #end of the year talk

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sanktnikolais · 3 years

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this is what love does

A/N: so here is your friendly neighbor zoyalai who rewrote that scene in the Os Kervo main hall (Rule of Wolves chapter 46). Idk man this is what I have in mind and I just wanted to put more monologue and make some drastic changes KJHASDFLKHASDF

i think their scene in this chapter could have gone better ngl ahjsfkajsf but if you’re okay with canon, i’m absolutely glad you are. I just needed to make this bc my zoyalai heart said so HHAHAHA

as always @wafflesandkruge enabled me again and volunteered to edit this mess so thank you ily 🥺

contains some spoilers for Rule of Wolves so pls beware before reading :>

Word count: 4169

When the doors to the hall finally closed, Zoya released a breath of frustration. She wanted a moment of total silence, where she could shut out the voices of the people chanting her name or the affirmative tones of the dukes that agreed with Nikolai in nominating her as Ravka’s new queen. A bottle of brandy would be good too, and yet it didn’t materialize out of thin air just as she wanted it to.

She put a hand to her forehead, feeling the fatigue from the war slowly drain what was left of her strength. This was madness—everything that had happened in the past few weeks. Headache after headache, they kept coming like the barrage of Fjerdan firepower they had just encountered in the battlefield hours ago.

But the biggest headache of all was standing right in front of her in all his confident glory, the small grin never leaving his lips even as Zoya scowled at him. Nikolai Lantsov was a royal through and through. And despite the dirt that still smudged on his face, or the dried blood on his collar, he never lost that spark in him, no matter what he said about not wanting to claim the Lantsov bloodline.

How could he suddenly expect her to do this on her own terms?

"Are you out of your saintsforsaken mind?" Zoya hissed at the smiling king. He still was the king, and would continue to be as far as she was concerned. "I could strike you with lightning right now but I don't think I have the energy left for that."

Nikolai's grin turned into a wince. "Ah, but I'm always in the right state of mind," he said as he approached her with rather careful steps as if he was testing the waters around her. "And I have never been more sane and sober than now, Zoya."

The urge to summon lightning at him was still strong, but she shoved the thought down. Ravka didn't need another funeral right now, and especially not for its king.

"Say something spiteful."

Zoya furrowed her eyebrows. "What?"

"You're scowling again, and I think the only way to really know you're angry is when you combine your scowl with harsh words."

“Do you really have a death wish?"

The infuriating king pretended to think for a moment, his eyes narrowing curiously as he scratched the spot behind his ear. “I think we’ve had enough of staring down death today—”

Thunder rumbled in the skies as Zoya’s anger flared, and Nikolai flinched. But Nikola, being himself, recovered quickly with a grin. She looked at him in disbelief. It was both baffling and amazing how fast this man could change into one of his masks in just a matter of a second and then he was another person entirely.

It was their difference—Zoya didn’t have that skill. She’d never had the capability of pretending. Where she had walls around her heart to hide the girl who once believed in fairy tales and love and other nonsense, Nikolai wore his masks like they were his second skin, and it blended with the boy who just wanted what was best for his country, until he didn’t know who he was anymore.

She had never shown any signs of weakness or vulnerability, and even if she did, she would still deny it until she convinced her heart it had never happened. But he was different. He was ready to wear his heart on his sleeve if he wanted to, displaying his emotions at all times. And if he didn’t get anything out of it, he would put his mask back on like nothing happened.

Zoya hid; Nikolai pretended. If she were to look at it, pretending was better than hiding.

“Is it really that bad?” Nikolai asked softly.

Yes.

No.

I don’t know.

If she were still the same person she had been three years ago, she knew she would have accepted the offer right away. But things had changed and progressed since then, and whoever she once was, someone who wanted so much power, was long gone.

“We both know I’m not cut out for this, Nikolai,” she replied.

He didn’t say anything else, and just waited. Zoya huffed in frustration.

“You’re the diplomat, the charmer.” She gestured in the air vaguely. “Even if you’re not of the royal bloodline, there is no denying that you’ve always had the knack for this. I’m just—”

She was just what? A general? A Grisha who broke the boundaries of the Orders and achieved the impossible? An actual living saint?

Zoya let out a breath. A shadow passed on Nikolai’s face, his expression darkening to some kind of disappointment as if he already knew what she was going to say. But considering everything they had been through, it was definitely safe to say he knew her no matter how good she was at hiding.

She still said it anyway. “I’m just no one.”

“Don’t even go there.”

“You know I wouldn’t say anything I don’t mean, Nikolai. I was meant to be a soldier, to train and lead armies to their victory and be with them until our very last breaths. It was always like that.” And when Nikolai looked like he was about to contradict her, Zoya beat him to it by raising a finger to silence him. “Don't. There's nothing to say. And don’t start with me by saying you were never meant for the crown, nor the throne. That may have been the case, but you are what Ravka has needed for a long time. You fought for it instead of selling it. Hurt for it, bled for it, almost dying twice just to keep it from the mud. If that’s not what a king does, then I don’t know what I should call it.”

“A job well done?” he offered, laughing lightly when she gave him a glare that could silence the Second Army in a heartbeat. “I’m merely joking, Nazyalensky.”

“Can you be serious for once?” Zoya shook her head, heading over to one of the benches and slumping down on it.

It was only then she felt the weight of today’s war come back to her, and she found herself not wanting to stand up for a moment. Maybe she would just stay here until the madness outside passed, though she knew it would take a while.

She hunched forward with her eyes trained on her hands clasped together on her knees. She couldn’t bear to look at him as of the moment, and it irked her as it felt like she was hiding yet again and she was already tired of doing that. But when an enormous responsibility was suddenly presented to her, along with the ability to hold power over everything else, didn’t she have the right to hesitate or even think about it?

It felt like being appointed to the Grisha Triumvirate again after the war the Darkling waged that almost took Ravka down with it, and they were forced to stand up on their own feet to save the country from drowning right after fighting for their lives. It was never fair, but they braved through it.

But at what cost?

It doesn’t stop with us. It never does.

It was what David always used to say, and Zoya found those words haunting her every night after his death, knowing all too well she could have done so much better to protect him and save Genya from her pain. If it didn’t stop with them, what difference would it make if it was her seated on the throne?

Ravka was finally free, even if not completely yet, but the light at the end of the tunnel they had long since walked through was already bright as any star could have been.

A shadow on the marbled floor caught her eyes, and she looked up just in time to see Nikolai kneel in front of her, taking her hands in his. She almost—almost—wrenched away from him, but then she realized that it was him, the boy who wore his heart on his sleeve and bared everything to her without a second thought. He was looking up at her with such a soft, understanding expression on his face that she wondered if she was seeing right.

She blinked, and then she felt as if she was back at the ship again, hearing his confession that took the breath out of her lungs and made her heart beat like it had never been before.

And for the past years of her life and the rest that would still come, Zoya was sure she would never feel as frightened as she was now.

You promised yourself you would speak your heart when you had the chance, didn’t you? she scolded in her mind. Only the saints knew how much she had waited for this moment between them after the war. She almost didn’t have the chance. So why was she trying to run away from it again?

He was so, so near, and yet she was still terrified to reach for him.

"I can't do this, Nikolai," she said instead.

"I will be by your side." Always, was what hung at the end and not said aloud, but she knew he meant it.

Zoya felt a small smile on her lips, the urge to touch his face becoming stronger than her will to fight it. What was stopping her? Her pride? Maybe it really was that, but her damn pride had already cost her enough.

So she reached a hand up to his cheek, her touch gentle as the breeze that fluttered in the room when her skin met his.

Nikolai learned in her hand almost immediately, a content sigh coming from his lips.

"I would give my life for Ravka over and over again, as I know you would too," she whispered, her thumb gently brushing his cheekbone. She dropped her hand and put it on top of his. "But I don't think this is what's best for Ravka. We have fought and lived through the wars it suffered. We vowed to drag it from the mud it had fallen into until our last breaths, and now that it can finally stand up on its own, I think it's had its fill of kings and queens and wars. Ravka now needs to listen to its people."

Zoya knew it sounded ambitious and audacious, but it could be a start, a beginning of a new age. The journey would be a tedious one, as always, but she knew it was worth the try. Ravka was always worth the try, no matter how much it took from them.

Silence stretched between them for a moment, and Zoya was thankful for it being a comfortable one rather than a tense pause. She searched his eyes, trying to find the stubborn glint in them as a sign that he was thinking of arguing back. But she didn't see it.

There was only the look he had always sent her way, the same one he had when he bared his heart to her in the airship, and she felt her breath hitch in her throat. She really ought to strangle him for making her feel this way.

"Spoken like a true queen, I'd say," said Nikolai with a laugh.

Zoya scoffed, grateful for the sudden distraction. "I remember that I didn't agree with the proposal of me being the new queen, so that means you're still the king, Your Idiocy."

There was a hint of an amused grin at the corner of his lips. "What can I say? When I thought of what's best for Ravka, my mind instantly thought of you."

"Didn’t I ask you to be serious even just for once?"

"You speak as if I were making those words up."

"If you know what's best for you and Ravka, you would stop trying to change my mind because my decision would remain the same."

Nikolai smiled ruefully. "I know." He paused, turning his attention to their joined hands. There was an unusual slump in his shoulders, something she rarely saw him have. He sighed, and then slowly pressed his forehead to her knuckles. "I thought I lost you today," he said quietly.

Her heart clenched at the pain in his voice, but she understood it. She almost lost him today too. "You won't be rid of me that easily, Nikolai," Zoya said.

He chuckled, and it sounded more in pain than in amusement. Then he drew in a shaky breath before looking back up at her. "When I saw you fall, I thought the worst and I—" He stopped with a dry laugh. "But I guess you're right, I won't be able to get rid of you that easily."

She felt a smile curl on her lips. "I should be the one telling you that, but I figure it can go both ways," Zoya said, and before she could make herself hide away again, she gave in and lowered her forehead to touch his. In a soft whisper, she said, "But I've never been more grateful you're still here with me."

They were still here, alive and breathing, and she was glad they both got to see the end of the day. When she felt herself plummeting to the ground, she thought that it was her end, and she had accepted it. Exhaustion crept in her bones, her own strength not enough to whip up a draft to cushion her fall. But there was a gust of wind—from Nadia or from Adrik—that caught her, saving her from the deadly impact.

And then a voice. His voice, full of worry and hurt and pain, pleading her to wake. He was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes again, and it was during that moment she allowed herself to wish that he would be the one she would wake up to every morning, and the last one she’d see when she fell asleep at night.

It had reminded Zoya of the time she saved the king from falling once, back when they were just soldiers fighting for their lives in the Fold, and she wondered if he had been glad to see her when he opened his eyes.

Nikolai reached a hand up to touch her cheek, his fingers light as if she were the most important thing in the world that he was finally allowed to touch. His eyes never wavered from hers.

"I would still choose you, you know," he suddenly said, his voice trembling. "Even if you didn't want to do anything with me anymore. Even if you were in some place else, reassigned to another position. Even if you didn't want me." He tried to smile, but it seemed to take more effort than just not. "I'd still want you. I'd still want you with everything in me."

Zoya already knew how he felt for her beforehand, his confession back in the ship sharpening into focus in her mind. And yet she still felt like she heard him bare his heart to her for the first time, even when he had already been doing it for years.

It would be so easy to tell him that she felt the same; those three words that were hanging between them for a long time begging to be set free. But still a small, terrified part of her held back, and she realized that it was the girl she had once been, the girl who believed in everything before the cruel world took that magic away from her and replaced it with fear.

This is what love does. It took away everything, blinded one's logic and reasoning, and even brought pain that no one should feel. Why should people hurt when all they ever wanted was to have and feel the love they deserved?

“I know I’ve already told you this on the ship,” Nikolai continued, the rueful smile returning to his lips. “But I wanted you to hear it again, as I almost didn’t have the chance today. No prince and no power could ever make me stop wanting you.”

Zoya felt her breath get knocked out from her lungs again, but her doubts and insecurities continued to cloud her, lingering in her as if they were the only ones her heart knew of. “Maybe for now you will want me.” She paused, unexpected tears stinging her eyes. She closed them instead; she didn’t think she could bear looking at him. “But soon enough you will grow to hate me. I’m too sharp. Too angry. Too spiteful.” And you deserve so much better than that. “That’s who I am, Nikolai.”

“Zoya,” Nikolai murmured.

She felt his breath ghost over her skin, and yet she still refused to look at him. She couldn’t. But if there was one thing she knew about Nikolai Lantsov, it was his persistence for everything.

“Zoya, my love. Look at me,” he said softly, and this time Zoya finally obliged him.

An unwanted ache clogged her throat as she met his gaze, bright and warm and open. There was nothing in them except the sincerity he always had around her. In this light, his hazel eyes looked almost golden. He had a golden spirit. Then it struck her, as she remembered the words from a memory a long time ago, that maybe she was finally looking at that boy in her aunt’s story. He had been in front of her all along.

Nikolai grinned, his eyes brighter than she had ever seen them, and there were tears clouding them as well. “You speak as if I haven’t seen you at your worst,” he said.

“You will grow tired of me, Nikolai.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” he said. A tear escaped his eye, and she felt it land on her hand. He let out another breathless laugh. “I’d want you for the rest of my life, Zoya.”

Something broke inside her chest, and then a tear fell from her eye as well. Her fingers intertwined with his, their hold on each other’s hands tightening as if the other would disappear if they let go. He brought her hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. A few tears slipped on her hand as he did, but he had a look of contentment on his face, like he finally felt he was home.

More tears fell from her eyes as she pressed her forehead back to his. For years, she had let herself believe that she wasn’t worthy of being loved, that she was only made to be a soldier, a weapon to be used by her own country.

This is what love does. Zoya had been wrong from the start. Because in the end, Nikolai’s love for her was what made him see past her worst self. Every flaw and every scar, he accepted them wholeheartedly. She didn’t know how he’d come to love her, someone who had avoided any signs of kindness and sincerity he gave her, thinking that it would be used against her later.

There was no denying the pain they had caused each other through the years, when their words were too sharp and they wounded their hearts and pride before they could even have the chance to think of it. And yet they always came back to each other, their faith in each other still there if not stronger before.

Love was never without pain. It would still be felt over and over again because it was real.

And if tearing down the walls she had built around herself and giving her heart away would make her vulnerable to hurting, then perhaps it was something she was willing to do.

Because Nikolai Lantsov was worth every pain.

So Zoya took the leap, drawing him up to her and pressing her mouth to his, and everything felt like it finally clicked into place. He acted immediately, and she could almost feel his smile against her lips. After the long days of wanting, her heart was at peace for once. The Fjerdans could have come back and waged war against them again, but she didn’t care about anything but the warm press of his lips.

When the need for air became stronger than the need for each other’s lips, Zoya pulled away and rested her forehead against his. Her eyes were still clouded with tears when she finally said, “I love you.”

To say that Nikolai’s grin was bright would have been an understatement. In the dull colored room they were in, he seemed to be glowing. He let out another breathless laugh. “I never thought I would hear those words come from you,” he said, his eyes alight with utter bliss. “But for what it’s worth” —he wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb— “I love you too.”

Silence fell around them and everything focused on the man in front of Zoya. Perhaps she could stay here in his arms for another while and ignore the looming responsibilities standing right outside the doors.

She was his, and he was hers. For now, that was all that mattered.

“Is there really nothing that can change your mind?” Nikolai said, breaking the comfortable silence between them, and Zoya wanted nothing more than to strangle him right now.

“You really had to ruin the atmosphere, didn’t you?”

He laughed lightly. “My ruthless Zoya, I am merely joking,” he said, and then his face became serious. For a moment, a small twinge of fear clawed at her heart. “Then what do you think about being a regent? At least until we find someone to rule properly, or until we could transition the monarchy towards something else.” He wrinkled his nose. “I mean, I said I would give you a crown, and this is my last chance to make good on my words even just for a short time. Besides, Regent Nazyalensky does have a nice ring to it.”

Zoya raised an eyebrow, the idea not occurring to her until now. She furrowed her eyebrows. “You actually suggested something reasonable,” she said, earning a pout from the king. She looked at him with mild concern then, realizing the meaning of having a regent. “Are you really abdicating the throne?”

“I’m not joking when I said that the crown was never meant for me, and I think my bloodline really solidified that fact. I realized I was only fighting for this country, not the throne.” He shrugged as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And if that’s really your decision, I would be with you in every step of the way. But I hope we can stabilize Ravka until we can have a solution to my....sudden resignation.”

“What’s your plan if ever that time comes?” Zoya knew she was asking so many questions, but she couldn’t help it. This man continued to surprise her with his declarations and she had no idea what could come next. “Play pirate again?”

Nikolai scowled at her, and she wanted to laugh at his expression. “Privateer,” he corrected like always. Then he smiled, his eyes suddenly having a faraway look. “For once, I don’t know. But maybe I would play privateer again as I’ve missed the seas terribly.” Then he turned to her, his expression gentle. “If I ask you to come with me as my first mate then, would you agree?”

Would she? Zoya had never known anything outside her life in Os Alta. For years, it had been a continuous battle for the freedom of the country that took everything from its people, and she had no time to think about her freedom if she ever did retire from being a soldier.

But she could already see glimpses of a future ahead, a quiet and easy life, without any fear of having to go back to war. And in those glimpses, she could see him.

Zoya huffed, making it sound as disbelieving as possible. But she already knew her answer. “I’d make a horrible first mate as I easily get seasick,” she said.

“Ah, but I don’t mind. As long as you’re there with me,” Nikolai said, taking her hands in his again. He pressed another kiss to her knuckles. “So what do you say, Regent Nazyalensky?”

The future was something she had no control over, she always knew that. The only way to know what it held was to continue fighting until she reached it, and as long as she had the right person beside her, she knew she would be alright.

They had always been a team, she and Nikolai, and they would continue to be like that for as long as they lived.

So without another hint of doubt, Zoya intertwined her fingers with his, squeezing his hand gently. “Alright, dearest privateer,” she said. “Let’s keep this country standing upright until then.”

And they would. Together.

#zoyalai #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #rule of wolves #rule of wolves spoilers #row spoilers #or that scene in os kervo hall #where i changed a few things #BC WHERE IS MY HUG OR MY SOFT MOMENT BEFORE THE SAPS LEIGH #:SOB:#they just came from the war #and not once did i ever see a moment of relief #that the love of your life survived the war KLJHASFLKJHASDF #i needed this okay #and as i've said i felt a bit off abt the continuation of ravkan monarchy #but queen zoya works too so #i think the best thing they could do was to be regents for a while until they can do something abt the monarchy #or slowly transition it to a democracy #even if it's going to take a while #nik could still joke abt giving her a crown and actually do it KLJHASFKLHJAS #and i just wanted a more emotionally constipated and terrified zoya having inner turmoil abt love #;-;#and they could sail the seas after #IDK MAN THE POTENTIAL OF THIS SCENE #I JUST WANT IT TO DELIVER MORE #SO HAVE THIS MESS PLS

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lunaajade · 3 years

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Everything You Need to Know about “Shadow and Bone” on Netflix (*UPDATED: POSSIBLE LANGUAGE OF THORNS ADAPTATION INFO)

Since it’s recently been confirmed that we’d be getting S&B content in a few days (finally!), I thought I’d compile and summarize as much info as I could to refresh everyone’s memories! Please spread the word/share this post to those who aren’t up to date! (I’ve seen some people online who are worried about how it’s going to turn out, and I’d like to be able to hopefully reassure those people)

Now, there’s a LOT of stuff, so there’s always the chance I missed/forgot something. This post will be split up into categories based on type of info, so here we go! I went back and listened to/watched both of the big live streams (NYCC and the S&B Charity Competition), went on the Grishaverse Reddit, etc. to find as much (extra/bonus) stuff as I could. (If I missed anything/got something wrong, please feel free to leave a comment!)

Update: A lot of people have been asking where it was confirmed we were getting content soon. I found out from one of the update accounts I follow.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

General/Key Info About the Show

-This first season will be adapting both “Shadow and Bone” and what has been dubbed a “Book 0″ (most likely meaning prequel/backstory/set-up) for “Six of Crows” -In relation to the above point, the timelines are being brought together for the show. (Normally in the books, the two series are set two years apart)(We don’t know how exactly or what this means for the story, but I have a really interesting theory that I thought up in relation to this, message me if you’d like to hear it.) -Leigh acknowledges and understands that some of us have doubts and are worried about the show, but she has publicly assured us (numerous times) of how much she loves the show and cast, how well she thinks the crew/writers did in bringing the Grishaverse to life, etc. See a later point below in the Facts/Tidbits section -The first season will have 8, one-hour long episodes -Alina has been made half Shu (half Asian) for the show! Leigh stated that was decided on after she and Eric had a lengthy discussion on Alina’s character. -The main cast (as in confirmed to be in all episodes) is comprised of Jessie Mei Li (as Alina), Archie Renaux (as Mal), Ben Barnes (as the Darkling), Freddy Carter (as Kaz), Amita Suman (as Inej), and Kit Young (as Jesper) -Wylan and Nikolai are NOT in the first season. (Nikolai didn’t appear until the second book, and Leigh confirmed that at this point in the story, the Crows had not met Wylan yet.) -Other cast members include Danielle Galligan (as Nina), Calahan Skogman (as Matthias), Daisy Head (as Genya), Sujaya Dasgupta (as Zoya), Luke Pasqualino (as David), Julian Kostov (as Fedyor), Simon Sears (as Ivan), Zoe Wanamaker (as Baghra), and more! -The Darkling will also be called “General Kirigan” in the show. From what we know, The Darkling will be the “enemy” to Ravka (so in essence, General Kirigan is his alias/fake persona (what he’ll most likely be referred to for most of the show), and no one knows that he’s actually their enemy. (Meaning it’ll most likely a super big moment when they learn their general was actually the Darkling in disguise)). -The show was shot on location in Budapest, Hungary. (And additional filming took place this past fall in Vancouver) -In order, the 8 episodes are titled the following: “A Searing Burst of Light”, “We’re All Someone’s Monster”, “The Making at the Heart of the World”, “Otkazat’sya”, “Show Me Who You Are”, “The Heart is An Arrow”, “The Unsea”, & “No Mourners”.

Other (Fun) Facts/Tidbits About the Show

-Upon seeing Jessie’s audition, Leigh loved her audition/portrayal of Alina so much that she apparently stated that she wanted her to play Alina or she’d be out of the project. She was sent five auditions to watch, Jessie’s was the third, and she said she didn’t bother watching the rest of them. -Leigh stated that she and Eric Heisserer (the creator of the show) said they were on the same page from the first meeting. All other past meetings with producers and companies about possible adaptations had left her with a bad feeling, but she said they’d had the same ideas about inclusion, story, staff, etc. She said she’s loved the respect he’s shown towards the work (and, in a way, to us the fans) -Netflix apparently also has the rights to adapt “The Language of Thorns” , though we’ve gotten no info on that adaptation yet. (UPDATE: I just watched a Leigh Bardugo event from Feb 2019 (a few weeks after the show was first announced, I think): As of that day, she said that she thought that they were going to use LoT more for "texture” (IMO that might mean worldbuilding?) in the show. And I don’t know if she was talking about LoT specifically because she was very vague, but she said that there were certain things in the show that she thinks readers will be really excited about. Again, this was over a year ago, back when they were still in pre-production and stuff, so don’t take my word for it. Besides this, I couldn’t find anything else relating to a possible LoT adaptation. Maybe they’ll have the stories from LoT appear as actual folk tales told in the show, and that’s the “adaptation”? IDK. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpHnw8Ygw5c&t=1906s)) -Leigh is an exec. producer on the show! I’m no expert, so I don’t know how much say/power she had in the process, but she definitely had some. -There is a RAVKAN edition of the “Shadow and Bone” book that Leigh says makes a cameo in the show! -Jesper’s guns had custom etchings done on them by a Hungarian antique gunsmith! (And they were so good that Leigh and Eric said that it looked like it belonged in a museum--they were also described to be quite heavy!) -Eric Heisserer is the creator of the show, he is an award-winning writer, well known for “Arrival”, “Bird Box”, and more. (If I remember correctly, Leigh said that he’d reached out to her about making the show!) -A DeKappel painting (maybe the one owned by Van Eck?) was confirmed to be in the pilot episode. -Pekka Rollins and Tante Heleen have been confirmed to be in the first season, but their casting has (up to this point) not yet been revealed. -Bo Yul-Bayur is confirmed to be in the show! (Though Kuwei has not) -Leigh will have a cameo in (I think) Episode 5! She will be wearing a Materialki kefta and will be opening a door, if I remember correctly. -A lot of the crew was also extremely passionate about the project and fans of the books -The “Lives of Saints” book that was published in October is an actual book/prop that is appearing in the show! -I’m personally fine with Mal, but Leigh says that Archie is going to change everyone’s minds with his portrayal! -The costume designer for the show is Wendy Partridge, known for her work on “Thor: The Dark World”, “Pompeii”, and more! -The composer for the show is Joe Trapanese, known for composing for “The Greatest Showman”, “Straight Outta Compton”, “Lady and the Tramp”, and more! At the NYCC Grishaverse panel, they revealed a little bit of the score (”Grisha Theme”): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFxIEbsHKJA

Fun Cast/On Set Stories/Facts

-The cast all loves each other, and are all extremely passionate about this show, which is great! (Leigh said that on her second visit to the set, she heard them singing together) -Leigh says that Ben Barnes once snuck up behind her on her first day on set and scared her by whispering “Fine, make me your villain” -Freddy’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows”, but most specifically the first line of chapter 2 (”Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason.”) -Jessie would apparently come to set on some of her days off to support the cast and crew! -Sujaya has stated that her favorite Grishaverse character is Nikolai! (#Zoyalai) -Freddy has become famous/popular with the fandom, one of the reasons being because he often comments on posts/live streams asking something along the lines of “What was it like working with Freddy Carter? xoxo” -Danielle loves Nina and her journey in “King of Scars” -According to a Tweet, Freddy and Leigh said that there had been a scene with “a very pesky gate”--Freddy said that it “wouldn’t be proper to tweet the expletives [he] used that day” and that he thinks he “scarred” Amita and Eric. -Amita’s favorite thing about Inej is her silence, and her favorite Grishaverse book is “Six of Crows” (as of May, where we learned this during a live-stream, she said she’s read it three times and listened to the audiobook twice.) -There was a waffle truck on set on the last day of shooting! -Calahan says that if he could play any other Grishaverse character, he’d want to play Nikolai! -While she did work with the trainer to get more physically fit, Amita learned most of her knife techniques by herself! -Leigh said she cried a lot while on set! (She said there was one scene they were shooting that she has a very clear, vivid memory of writing many years back--based on the context of which she was talking about it, if I had to guess, I’d guess she’s describing the Winter Fete.) -Leigh also said that on one of her first days on set, it was funny/weird to see all the extras in First Army uniforms chilling on their phones, drinking coffee, etc. -One of Calahan’s favorite character dynamics in the books is the dynamic between Kaz and Matthias -There was a moment where Amita was fully in costume and doing amazing, graceful knife work, only to trip and fall when she’d finished. -Amita and Jessie and Sujaya were best friends on set. -Sujaya loved everything about playing Zoya. (Especially her confidence) -Leigh says one of her favorite props was Kaz’s cane, especially because of what it meant to her and the story. -If he could be any Grisha order, Calahan says he’d want to be a Corporalki -Calahan loves Matthias’s journey/arc. -Kit’s favorite Grishaverse book is “Crooked Kingdom”!

Links

-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X65iI1YXrbU (NYCC Grishaverse Panel) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHou5rVs6o0 (S&B Talent Show Charity Live Stream ft. the S&B Cast!--the IG video got taken down because Archie deleted his IG account and switched to a new one) -https://www.netflix.com/title/80236319 (”Shadow and Bone” on Netflix!) -https://twitter.com/shadowandbone_ (Official “Shadow and Bone” Twitter!) -https://www.instagram.com/shadowandbone/?hl=en (Official “Shadow and Bone” Instagram!) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRh-Pmbynww (Annoucement made by cast when filming wrapped! (can be found on the social media accounts, but here’s a link to YT)) -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bpY8uLtyB4 (A S&B Cast Crack video by HeartPhantom--it highlights a lot of the inside jokes and memes that we’ve gotten to witness among the cast, and also just generally shows off how hilariously chaotic everyone is (this cast is the definition of chaotic good, lol))

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kenopsiaedits · 4 years

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I'M IN NEED OF GRISHAVERSE MUTUALS

I read the books this year and surprise!! I fell in love with them and can't stop thinking about them so I really need more content in my dash...

So wanna be mutuals?

I've read the Six of Crows duology, the Grisha trilogy and King of Scars (haven't gotten around Language of Thorns yet though).

And some fun facts:

My favorite characters are probably Inej, Nikolai and Zoya in no order whatsoever (I would literally give my life for them ok)

I love the rest of the characters though!! But gotta admit I'm slightly more attached to the crows 🥺

I don't really care about ships that much??

But my favorites are all the soc ones and Zoyalai

And I guess I should mention this but I'm not really into darklina or malina,,, but again you do you!! I'm fine with it

I'm really excited about the show even though I told myself I wouldn't get hyped to avoid being disappointed... But how can I not be excited with that beautiful cast??

That's it I think??

I JUST WANT TO FREAK OUT ABOUT EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING WITH SOMEONE PLEASE

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dregstrash · 5 years

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king of scars re-read thoughts

i just finished re-reading King of Scars and boy oh boy I have some more thoughts (mostly on zoyalai, and damn this was a long post).

I ship Zoyalai even stronger than I did before

No seriously

Both of them are so determined to be noble and self-sacrificing that they lean on one another like two people who need the support of another (kind of reminds me of Nina and Matthias when they had to swim to shore)

Nikolai being so determined to save people. K I L L S M E

While I love a good broody, edgelord. I do love the heroic, arrogant type of dudes who are just trying their best

Also Zoya literally has a vision to save all the Grisha ever and if she doesn’t end up being Queen by Kos2 then what’s even the point

Cause she says that the people won’t accept her, but girl, seriously. Pull a Sultan Jasmine and just change the law--the perception--save the Grisha

I also didn’t realize the depth of Nikolai’s optimism until this second reread. Like it seeps into everything he is or does. With Kirgin, he sees the noble heart and not the rake (for the most part). With his real dad and his half-sister, their very lives are threatening to his position, but he won’t pull the trigger on them just cause he thinks their very lives shouldn’t be forfeit simply for his existence.

Let’s not forget the fact that he really believes he can get his country out of a very very very difficult spot through sheer will and wit

I am also revitalized by the secondary relationships (Genya/David, Nadia/Tamar). It’s like a found-family dynamic with just a dash of “everyone’s getting together and there’s Tolya reading poetry in the corner”

Also Zoya and Nikolai subtly checking each other out is 10/10 content

I’m no expert but Nikolai is defff an extravert (maybe an ENFP) and Zoya is obviously an introvert (I’m thinking an ISTJ, but I could be wrong)

Kid Nikolai kills me each time I read his backstory

Like learning why Nikolai is the way he is. Knowing why he wears a thousand masks a day. Knowing that he saw monsters in his own family and has been fighting them since his childhood is absolutely amazing.

“My ruthless Zoya, I’ll load the gun myself” --> Iconic. Brilliant. Love of my life

Zoya saying the people would “never” accept her as queen is entirely laughable. Because as we know there’s really nothing quite impossible...just improbable

After re-reading all the stuff about the Starless Saint cult and The Darkling’s impact I’m here to report it’s just as horrifying as the first time I read it. The Darkling was a lonely, arrogant, narcissist with a delusion of grandeur and his followers are the kind of people who will forever be quoting other people’s pains as something to be taken for granted because to them “everything happens for a reason”

Nikolai has all these ideas that he’s always seeking for power and ambition, and while that may be true to a certain extent he’s awfully ready to hand over his country to his most trusted adviser

Also Zoya’s arc in this book is absolutely beautiful. Like just her process of grief and how that manifests into anger and will. And the fact that Juris doesn’t ask her to stop being angry or good, he’s just asking her to reconcile what was so she could move on fully. He’s literally just asking her to heal so that could be another scar she carries to make her stronger, just like the claw scars she has

And don’t get me started on the Juris/Zoya mentor relationship. I love it so much. Literally the only person who can match her snark for snark, and I love his “give no shits” attitude, but still be able to care kind of

Literally everyone in this book is advocating for Queen Zoya 2020, and I’m all here for it

And for real, there is so much foreshadowing to the fact that Zoya can’t be stuck being general forever. Despite her own protests or what dictates as “normal.” I think for Grisha to enter this new world where they can be treated like people, they need someone with significant political standing, and if that isn’t Queen Zoya than idek (cause i mean wouldn’t that solve a lot of their problems with Parem? With a Grisha Queen the use of Parem could be heavily regulated or banned, no other country wouldn’t dare use it against Ravka in case of enacting war, and it could finally finally unite Ravka and Grisha alike?)

Nikolai contemplating his own death is such a mood. I know I’ve talked forever about Zoya and her arc, but damn Nikolai. The Golden Boy hero who is willing to act for the rest of his life just so he can save others. And despite his strength he displays such a tenderness that makes him sooooo loveableeeeee. Also, don’t @ me but the iconic line of “if things were different. if he was led by his heart and not by duty” was the beginnings of a love declaration. i’m standing by that

One of the lines that kills me each time is when Nikolai is facing off the demon (one of my fav parts of the entire book tbh) and he says “he would never, ever turn his back on a wounded man-- even if that man was him.” just that hit me hard. that someone so confident and so self-sacrificing can survive by staring at his fears and deciding he was worth saving too is incredibly motivational. And while I aspire to have the Steel of Zoya Nazyalensky, I want Nikolai’s ability to be so Determined and Dedicated.

I also want to make a point about different views of love in King of Scars. Cause I think Zoya’s view on Love is the fruity, lusty kind of love that never lasts. Nikolai’s view of love is unattainable and based on pleasantries. I think they’re in love in the sense of choice. That love is the choice one makes after the attraction settles down and becomes normal. They just choose to be dedicated and choose Ravka (and each other) over and over again. And I don’t think they’re familiar with that kind of love to even recognize that that’s what it is (this is my own personal theory, I could also be wrong)

Reaching the end and realizing that Ehri doesn’t even want to be Queen, I really highly doubt that this marriage is going to work out. Not even because of the lack of love. It’s her lack of love for the people and zero political ambition. That’s pretty much useless to Nikolai who wants more for his people (i.e. Zoya will be Queen, I will keep saying it till the day I die)

Also, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The Darkling is a piece of shit

Juris will be #1 Zoyalai shipper. I can see it. I can taste it. It’s going to be grand

I may have missed this the first time, but Nikolai saying that they’re about to go to war again is insane, and damn if I thought Ketterdam was a raging dumpster fire of a mess Ravka is a Whole Ass Disaster

Final thoughts:

Nikolai is a good man and a good king despite his very mortal standing and him being vulnerable with himself and accepting his darkness is beautiful.

Zoya is a powerful woman, who has a lot of capacity to love despite what she thinks and she’s going to make a kick ass queen.

Zoyalai is endgame

Book 2 is going to be hella chaotic but I’m ready for it all

Ready for Zoya, Genya, Tamar, Nadia (literally all the Grisha women) to have their Avengers: Endgame moment, and destroy the Darkling for good

Ready for Nikolai to be himself unequivocally and be the King his country deserves

Ready for Zoyalai to realize that love doesn’t have to look like doe-eyes and silly platitudes, but it can look like understanding the other person and be willing to die for something greater

I almost wish that the Grisha TV show was about SoC and KoS, instead. That way the Grisha Trilogy can be told through flashbacks, and that way we can focus on the actual effect of the Darkling rather than glorifying him in this weird dark light (but that’s just me)

Anyway: ZOYALAI WILL BE ENDGAME

#zoyalai #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #nikolai x zoya #king of scars #kos #leigh Bardugo #this book was all kinds of fairytale elements with political intrigue and i love it #soc may be the best heist story ever #but kos is the fantasy novel i dearly love #kos meta

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aspaceoftime · 5 years

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Nikolai & Zoya: The romantic overture - beach scene.

------- Black night was turning into an orange and blue dawn.

She stood on a shell filled beach, 10 feet away from the small breaks of waves. Her blue silk kefta and too perfect black waves tugged by a light breeze.

Zoya stood idle while looking at the horizon; making her look like a mermaid that had just left the sea and taken on land legs. She moved. Her head tilted up to the peaking sun - royal blue eyes closed, She stood there - Looking far too much like a queen.

Nikolai watched her for a moment; a thought came to him that he should turn his back and not disturb her.

She sniffed.

"Dear me, is my beautiful commander turning sick? It sounds as though someone threw a bouquet of pollen filled flowers under your nose - then you ate them."

She didn't move, her eyes still closed and her hands tucked in the pocket's of her Kefta - She seemed unphased by Nikolai's humor. "Next time, I'll be sure to follow that poisonous snack with the forearm of a king who I'm very much allergic too."

"Your Vampire incisors on my arm would be quite the new experience! Think of that. A cannibal Grisha commander?! My reputation would be ruined along with my arm!"

Her voice returned without emotion, but cold depth. "Tell me why you use humor, Nikolai."

He wore a content expression, "I'm sure you are fully aware of why."

Coping mechanism, mixed with his naturally ridiculous love for annoying the daylights out of people!

He stood next to her now, gazing at the rising colored sky.

"Tell me something true," she asked casually, her eyes opening.

He was silent for a moment and said: "You are blunt, hard, unpitying, and I don't mind that. Your personality has always been refreshing - bracing. And I never tire of it.

She didn't smile or say anything, her gaze still forward, but her face softened - inwardly she smiled. Light could care for the cold.

Nikolai continued, "tell me, do you believe it would be impossible for Ravka ever to accept a Grisha queen?"

She looked at him for the first time with a ring of surprise around her eyes. "I believe you were the one who taught me how to answer that."

"My quotes are known to carry wisdom, mayhem, and revised classic epic poetry! Which are both instructing and life-changing words!"

Zoya Nazyalensky gave way to a dusting of a smile. "Not impossible, Improbable."

Nikolai smirked like he was the sun himself and was proud to chase the night sky away and turn it into an impressive new dawn.

He looked irresistible, and like he needed to be punched in the face.

He stepped behind her, on her left side, and placed his right ungloved hand on her waist - holding her in a back hug. She didn't breathe.

"I suggest you breathe from time to time;” Nikolai said roguishly “I can't have my men starting tales about my second in command being a vampire as well as a cannibal."

She exhaled, and placed her hand over his black scared hand, and grinned. She spoke in a bright, haughty, and proud tone: "Like I've ever cared what anyone has ever thought of me."

They both gazed at the sea in sparkling comfort and almost silence...seagulls were bloody loud creatures! -------

Hope you enjoyed this! I had a blast writing it!

Yahhhhh! Give me the next book!! Leigh Bardugo, pretty please, with icing on top give me more flawless zoyalai scenes & banter because I love them together! I need them together! We want a Grisha queen!

- ASpaceOfTime

#king of scars #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai x zoya #zoyalai #grishaverse #the grisha trilogy #kos #nikoloya #My occasional fanfiction hobby #ENJOYYYYYY!#nikolai and zoya #nikolai and zoya fanfiction

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a-world-inside-my-head · 3 years

Text

Mercy

By zoyalais

Nikolai didn’t believe she would say yes. He’d asked her in a joking matter when he noticed that he still had a metal cuff attached to the headboard. They hadn’t needed to use the cuffs for nearly a year now; Nikolai felt he had himself under control, and he was beginning to believe the worst of it was behind him. Still, even with the dark memories tied with cuffs and chains Zoya had used to lock him in at nights, he was intrigued with what other purposes they could serve. The thought crossed his mind before, more frequently than he wanted to admit.

He really didn’t think she’d say yes when he propositioned her as they were settling into their nightly routine. He’d simply suggested the idea, and he thought she was just entertaining the idea until she returned to bed with the chains dangling from one arm.

“You’re going to let me chain you to this bed? Is this your take on a cruel joke? Even I have to say, enticing a man like that is low even for you, Zoya,” Nikolai chided lightly, still not believing she was serious.

“Oh, it won’t be me chained to the bed, dear,” Zoya replied with a mischievous glint in her eye. Nikolai let out a small chuckle, he knew it was too good to be true. Even with her turning the tables on him, he was even more intrigued now.

“It’ll just be like old times. Me chaining you to the bed, you pining over me, wishing I would stay the night,” Zoya said, her voice teasing as she strut over to him, stepping between his legs where he was sitting on the bed. Nikolai hesitated, she truly was the most tempting creature he’d ever met. He raised his hand to move to the inside of her kefta, lightly pushing aside the material so he could trace his fingers up her thigh.

“Are you saying you don’t want to be at mercy? Think of how good I could make you feel,” Zoya lilted, raising her free hand to undo the topmost button.

“You always make me feel good, darling,” he replied with a bright smile. His hand traced higher, resting on her hip now, fingers toying with the lace of the panties she currently wore.

Zoya rolled her eyes at his remark. Taking matters into her own hand, she lightly flicked her wrist as a gust of wind grabbed hold of his arms, dragging him back towards the headboard. He lay down completely now, both arms pinned down on each side, his body forming the shape of a T.

“Use of your powers in the bedroom, Zoya? A dirty play,” he said, trying, and failing, to move his arms.

“I never claimed to play fair,” Zoya replied. Reaching over to capture his left wrist, she cuffed it and attached it to the loose link at the headboard. Moving around to the other side, she repeated the same action with his right wrist. Nikolai tugged lightly when she was done, testing the strength of the chains. She didn’t know why he did, he knew the strength built in to them, and there was no way Nikolai could escape without the demon’s strength.

Nikolai intensely watched her stand back from the bed, raising both hands to unbutton the rest of her kefta. Her fingers moved slowly and he knew she was enjoying every second of this. One by one, the kefta fell open; first revealing the tops of her breasts, and finally the rest of her exquisite body.

Zoya had come to kill him, that was a fact. She let the kefta fall to the floor, her body dressed in deep cut, lacy bra her breasts nearly spilled out of. His eyes trailed lower to the matching panties she wore as well. Dropping his head fall back against the pillow, he let out a loud groan as he closed his eyes. It only lasted a second before he opened his eyes, raising his head again, realizing he didn’t want to miss a second of the show she was putting on. The sight of her made him so hard he could barely breathe. This ? It was absolute torture, and she knew it.

Slowly, Zoya made her way towards the bed, Nikolai’s eyes watching her every move. The slight sway of her hips, her tanned legs, the way her hair bounced with each step she took. Everything about her was ethereal, head to toe.

“You’re going to make me beg, aren’t you?” he asked with a resigned sigh.

“I thought you said kings don’t beg? They’re just given what they want,” Zoya teased, climbing over him on the bed, straddling his lap. He groaned when her ass settled comfortably on the hard ridge straining his pants. Comfortable for her, at least. He was sure he’d died and gone to hell because this felt like a punishment; her being above him and him not being able to touch her beautiful body. He clenched his fists in response.

“Isn’t this fun?” she asked, bracing her palms on his bare chest.

“I’m having a ball,” he grit his teeth, his voice rough.

“I told you it would be,” Zoya said, leaning down and taking his mouth with hers.

She thread her fingers in his hair, kissing him fiercely. Nikolai tried taking control of the kiss, his tongue possessively tangling with hers. Zoya stopped him quickly, grinding her lower half hard against his. Nikolai lost his train of thought as he let out a deep groan, her tongue taking over. His muscles bulged with the force of him pulling against the chains.

“Anxious, moi tsar ?” Zoya asked, breaking away from his mouth to trail kisses down his jaw and neck. She made a point to stop at the juncture where his throat met his collarbone, biting harshly before soothing it over with her tongue. Nikolai let in a sharp intake of breath, his eyes rolling to the back of his head.

“Saints, Zoya, don’t stop,” he groaned. He felt like he was going to burst at any minute.

“You can do better than that, darling,” Zoya teased, trailing her kisses further down his chest until she stopped above his abdomen. Her lips hovered above his navel, lips lightly brushing his stomach whenever he took in a breath.

“Please, dear, if I don’t get some sort of relief right now I’m going to explode and that would be very damaging to my reputation as the world’s best lover,” Nikolai struggled to say.

“That’s better,” she said, resuming her kisses. Sitting up slightly, she brought her hands to the tie holding his loose pants together. He choked on a breath as she slowly drew down his trousers, careful to avoid brushing his stiff erection as she peeled them off over his ankles, discarding them on the floor.

Lowering herself back down, she left light kisses along his thighs, avoiding where he needed her most. Absolutely wicked.

“Zoya, please, use your mouth, your hands. Anything. Saints,” he groaned, closing his eyes.

Smiling against his thigh, she obliged him as she wrapped her hand around his cock. He was so hard. Another loud groan left his lips when she twisted her wrist, sliding her hand up and down. It was the best feeling in the world, he swore. Then she added her mouth to the mix. If her hand felt good, it was nothing compared to the soft heat of her mouth closing around him. She kept her hand tight around the base of his cock as she bobbed her head up and down his long shaft. Zoya never got the chance to please him much, his head was always buried deep between her thighs before she could ever make a move. The sounds he made were guttural, she lifted her eyes to meet his, and she swore he tightened his pull on the chains tenfold. Maintaining eye contact, she took him deeper, and he hit the back of her throat. That was it for him.

“Zoya, please get up here, I’m not going to last another second,” he pleaded desperately. Taking pity on him, she slid him out of her mouth and crawled back up to his face. Grinning down at him, she leaned in to connect their mouths again. Nikolai lifted his head off the bed to arch more into the kiss.

“Darling. Sweetheart. My love, my life. My dear, Zoya, please let me out of these chains. You’ve had your fun,” Nikolai begged.

“I don’t know if I’m quite finished with you yet,” Zoya taunted, dragging her fingers down his pec.

“ Zoya ,” he tried admonishing, but instead it came out like resignation.

“Begging is very unbecoming of you, moi tsar ,” she chastised with a click of her tongue. Still, she leaned over, unlocking the chains with the key she still wore around her neck.

Instantly, Nikolai had flipped them over, pinning her body beneath his. He moaned again, bringing his mouth down to hers to capture her lips in a kiss. Greedily, he inserted his tongue into her mouth as his right hand reached between her legs. Grabbing the waistband of her panties, he tugged roughly until the fabric split away. Zoya moaned into his mouth, her hands tangling in his blonde hair. Nikolai brushed his fingers against her center, immediately coming into contact with the wetness pooling there. Slowly, he dragged his fingers through her folds, her head falling back in content.

“Nikolai, please, play later,” Zoya gasped.

“Begging is very unbecoming of you, moya tsaritsa ,” he threw back with a grin against her throat.

“If you aren’t in me within the next five seconds, I swear I’ll finish myself off,” she growled lowly.

“Well, we can’t let that happen,” he agreed, settling himself firmly between her spread thighs.

Within a second, Nikolai was pushing into her with a low groan. Zoya let out one of her own, arching her chest into him. He leaned his head into her neck, sucking lightly beneath her ear as he met her with another thrust.

“Harder,” she demanded, scratching her nails down his back. He brought her legs to wrap around his waist as he picked up the pace, slamming into her vigorously. She didn’t take anything lightly, that much was for sure. Zoya bit her lip to stop a scream from escaping when he hit a spot deep within her. She locked her right ankle around his thigh and tightened the hand at the base of his neck as he kept hitting the same spot. She was close.

Bringing his hand between them again, he pressed his thumb to the center of her clit and rubbed ardently.

“Come on, Zoya. I know you’re close,” he said breathlessly, adding a little more power to his thrust which she responded to with a whimper. Within seconds she was coming around him, her hair splayed out across the pillow, eyes fluttering closed as her lips parted in a sigh of pleasure.

He rode her through the orgasm, slowing slightly so he could find his own release. A few more thrusts later had him lingering over the edge. Nikolai pulled back slightly to pull out before he came inside her. Instead, Zoya’s legs locked around him, keeping him in place.

“Darling, I’m about to come,” he said quickly, putting a little more force into pulling back. Zoya tightened her legs further.

“I know, Nikolai,” she said elatedly. Realization dawned upon him. He lifted his head to meet her eyes, stilling his movements.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to think you have to do this,” Nikolai asked seriously.

They hadn’t discussed children once they were married. There was an unspoken agreement between them that they weren’t ready at the time, and Nikolai wasn’t going to push her on the matter. It was her body, and he would go at her pace. He just hadn’t expected she’d want to try now of all times. He thought they would’ve at least discussed it first.

“I’m sure, Nikolai. I’m not doing this for Ravka or for the throne. I’m doing this for us,” she explained, conviction showing in her piercing blue eyes. He had never heard sweeter words in his life.

“Unless, you don’t want to right now, of course,” she added hurriedly.

“There is nothing I want more right now than to have a baby with you,” he assured her.

“Then what are you waiting for?” she asked, rolling her hips against him.

He didn’t wait a second longer. It was clear she made a decision, and Zoya rarely changed her mind once she made up her mind. Thrusting deeply back into her, it only took a few moments before he was at the edge again, spilling inside her warmth.

After catching his breath, Nikolai rolled off of her back onto his side of the bed. Stretching out his arm, he pulled her limp body into his, her backside fitting snugly against his front. Nikolai wrapped his arm tightly over her midsection, nuzzling his face into her sweet smelling hair.

“I love you,” he said tiredly.

“I love you, too,” she replied, bringing his hand up to her lips to place a soft kiss on his knuckles. It was rare moments like these Nikolai cherished the most. She wasn’t soft with anyone, and it melted his heart even more when she showed that side to him.

“By the way, I’m spending all morning tomorrow between your thighs. It’s only fair to repay the favor,” Nikolai said, his eyes drifting closed.

Even though Zoya knew they both had duties to attend to in the morning, she couldn’t find it in herself to care. Zoya let her eyes fall shut, listening to the steady his steady breaths to lull her to sleep. Sleep eagerly awaited her, knowing the surprise she would wake up to.

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beartes22 · 5 years

Text

A little Zoyalai for your lonely souls

You know the four cats (@stormwitchprivateer @mimiofthemalfoys @thekiingofscars @bucumber @gizkasparadise Idk who else they are like five and I have searched for each one of you for content like a stalker) that are thirsty like me for the King of Scars Release and who I will avoid till my book arrived the sixth bc I have a hate/love relationship with spoilers and you will probably post your impressions.

Anyway, I wrote sth. If you’re interested. Under the cut. Feel free to ignore me

There are things he can never tell anybody. Nikolai suppresses the urge to snort, there were always things he can never tell anyone. He dons many maks and all of them are incomplete. To Ravka, he can’t be a bastard; to his old crew, he can’t be a prince; to his people, those who depend on him, he can��t have doubts. He is a beacon of hope, always. The keeper of secrets, the best actor there is.

There are things he can never tell anybody alright. And then there’s Zoya Nazyalensky.

She’s not a dream wrapped in mystery and clothed in beauty. There’s no hidden corners or sweetness or all that fragile, ethereal things written and imagined time and time again in women. Zoya is not like a sea breeze or a cold air current or the exhilaration of the wind against your face the first time you dare to fly. She isn’t even like the storm in the middle of the sea, when the sea stripes everything out of men except their need to survive.

She’s harsh and truthful and ruthless. She’s loyal and fierce and stubborn. She knows herself much better than a man can dare to describe her. No. Zoya is not like that.

(But Zoya is the first breath after drowning. She’s the gasp after waking from a nightmare. She’s-)

Nikolai doesn’t remember much of his time as a...well, back then. He doesn’t wish to. He remembers trying to hold to his purpose and his identity. Flashes of the Sun Summoner, that girl who despite the hold corruption had of her, firmly dragging her down, stood time and time again as herself. He knows he traveled the Unsea, he knows when the screeches of the monsters that suddenly sounded so human started to make sense to him, almost like words. He knows that he fought against his orders- because Nikolai was not born to rule, not really, but he made himself a ruler and no Darkling could take that away from him, not even then.

But the part he remembers most clearly is falling. Thinking, barely conscious, of the cost of freedom. Welcoming death. Then, he was flying. Not as a volcra or a demon, not even like one of his boats. The wind simply carried him like a friend to the arms of an ally. She smirked then, burns on half her face and filth coating the other half. She was a mess and her eyes shined with power and victory.

(Sometimes, Zoya’s beauty was like a punch on the face)

“Looks like I caught myself a king” She was playful with barred fangs and Nikolai was left speechless, breathless, thoughtless. His charm was an alien mask to don, like all the others, all incomplete and lacking. He was stripped naked before her and she smiled, daring him to- well, he still doesn’t what she was about but he has never met a challenge in his life he couldn’t met. There was light blinding him and his eyes subconsciously searched for the Sun Summoner. Instead, he found Ravka. His shining, broken, desperate Ravka. Nikolai never was one for Saints of legends outside of their use in his pursuits but he believed then.

For all but an instant, there was a miracle.

Then Zoya dropped him to the ground without a care and the magic was broken. “Do try to keep up, your highness.” She said over her shoulder, voice honey sweet and mocking, already walking away. He followed her. In that moment, he would have followed her anywhere. It was a feeling he didn’t as much dislike as fear. Nikolai was a king, he took the lead, even with weak knees and-

It could have ended up like that, just a moment too fast to catch but things with Zoya are never that easy.

His first years as a King weren’t easy but- they were a difficult he could deal with. He knows how to rule without sleep or food or hope. He could lead men with his eyes averted, always looking at a better future. He could make the best of the chaos, after all, Sturmhold has grown up in chaos and mist.

But his nightmare turned real and he was a monster again. That first time after, when he woke alone and covered in blood, he didn’t know where he found the strength to come back. Probably his ambition turned selfishness because as much as Ravka didn’t need another monster to rule her, Nikolai has taken it. Monster or not, a pirate is not in the business to give back his stolen goods. He did not choose to be a bastard and being king was the ambition of his life, but a pirate? That he chose.

That, he is.

He was a monster again and the hope he has for Ravka was escaping time and time again between his corrupted claws. He woke, time and time again, with broken clothing and old blood and-

After that first time, Zoya was always there. He didn’t understand why, then, he barely does now. But she is. He gasps that second or third time, fighting against the darkness that slowly consumes him and here she is, bright-eyed and tense with caution.

(Slowly, so slow he didn’t notice till it was too late, Zoya was the only sight he associated with safety.

Painstakingly, so humbling he barely took note, Zoya was the only one who saw him that weak, a trembling pathetic mess of a man and he didn’t care.

Carefully, like the first draw of a new project, an idea so brilliant he’s blind to anything but it, Nikolai-)

“You have to marry. Ravka is at risk without its heir” Her voice is not as harsh as her words, never has been, but it carries so well it’s easy to see why she leads the Second Army with such efficiency.

“You are still too interested in my love life, Nazyalensky” The response is immediate, barely thought before it escapes his lips. The smile that accompanies it is equally charming as daring “I wonder why”

Zoya rolls her eyes. His smile widens

“Someone has to.”

“Ah, how lucky I am to have your meddlesome self on the case then. Your practicality knows no bounds”

He doesn’t care to see the exasperated looks traded between Genya and- well David most probably is just baffled but it’s the thought that counts, he supposes.

“King or not, I will maim you”

“Eager, are we?”

He doesn’t have a clue why he’s baiting a tiger but he can’t help himself.

“Don’t flatter yourself”

“It’s not flattery if it’s true”

“If you have finished your courting rituals, we have actual issues to discuss” Genya drawls form her side of the table. His face is warm and he doesn’t understand why. He declared himself shameless long ago. He acts as if it’s nothing and smiles his most charming grin at his Grisha generals.

“Let’s get going, then”

He is careful and does not look at Zoya’s eyes for the rest of the meeting. He stares at her nose instead, it has tiny freckles on it and is round as a button. Sometimes she scrunches it when she’s viciously murdering someone’s else point. It’s absurdly cute.

“So” Starts Genya with her hands still healing the scratches of his face some weeks after. Nikolai is tired, already weary of his busy schedule and wondering if Ravka will survive one day if he books it and sleeps it away. Probably not. Last night was a hard one, but a country waits for no man. “When are you going to realize you’re in love with Zoya?”

Nikolai chokes on air.

“I’m what?” He gasps. He tries to regain some composure. He throws back his head and laughs. It sounds genuine- Nikolai is a great actor- but it feels fake “That was a nice one”

“Never it is” Genya finishes his face. Nikolai tries his best not to scowl. He succeeds, of course. “She’s going to find someone one day and it won’t be you” The oblivious face of his friend Kirigin comes to mind. He smiles but his eyes may be more Sturmhold than Lanstov. He could say many things. That, as a King, any wife he may have must be advantageous for Ravka and Zoya doesn’t need the title for that. The same thing he said to Zoya- he couldn’t condemn a girl to live with a monster. Maybe even that Zoya was too busy, as was he, for romance.

“She’ll probably eat him alive” He says instead. Genya isn’t impressed, he can feel it without turning.

“Someone she loves? You don’t know her at all”

But he does.

And he knows.

(Nikolai is an expert liar and can make a blind man believe he can see. But it’s only with Zoya he lies to himself and he can’t believe it at all.)

He doesn’t say anything more, changing the topic smoothly to some issue Ravka is struggling with and Genya indulges him with a knowing light in her eye. He resists the urge to rip it off. The days, weeks, months pass as normally as ever, as if Genya never opened her mouth and Nikolai relaxes. He has too much to do to concern himself with romance anyway. Then he finds her crying in an abandoned, dark, dirty room and all his plan go to shit.

“What happened?” He is on her in an instant, hovering but not daring to touch because this Zoya is vulnerable. The image is so jarring his usually brilliant mind blanks out “Zoya.”

“Nothing” She’s herself again in an instant, using the sleeves of her kafta to dry her tears.

“I don’t believe you”

“Then don’t” She cuts him off, a warning clear in her eyes but Nikolai has never been one to listen to others or reason or warnings. Anything he didn’t want to hear, really. As a king, it’s very handy.

“Talk to me” He’s not begging but that was not an order. A request, maybe.

“This is my burden to bear. Don’t poke your royal crocket nose in my business”

“I will poke my royal perfect nose wherever I please. You’re not getting out of this with an explanation”

“We don’t have time for-”

“Zoya”

“It’s stupid”

“Somehow, I doubt that”

“...It’s girly”

“Believe or not, my masculinity does not tremble at girly girls”

“...Very very girly”

Nikolai gasps with the same melodrama of a fourteen-year-old girl messing around with her friends. “You broke a nail.” The act is completed by his hand in front of his mouth. Mainly because his lips are twitching and he’s not suicidal.

“I’ll break your face” She warns and Nikolai pouts

“We can’t afford that. My face is the last royal heirloom in all Ravka”

“We’ll starve this winter then, with such worthless treasure”

“Ruthless”

“Practical” She corrects, a smile dancing at the corner of her lips. It’s reluctant but there all the same. Nikolai is absurdly proud of it.

“Tell me, please”

“I” Zoya is already looking as if she regrets everything. Nikolai will enjoy this immensely, he can already tell “was having love troubles”

Nikolai has never been more wrong in his life. This is not enjoyable, it’s the opposite. In fact,-

“Bullshit” Thank the Saints for his brain. Saved again by logic.

“Yes, it’s true, laugh it up. The boy I like doesn’t like me back.”

“Bull-shit.” He repeats, the last council meeting clear in his mind. Zoya hadn’t had breakfast and had eaten an orange during it. “No man has ever rejected you”

It was a drooling disaster. She was just eating a fucking orange, for Saint’s sake. Didn’t even try to make it sexual. He’s surrounded by idiots who only listen to their libidos and he doesn’t know how many hits his pride can take before he loses it completely and makes a royal decree that forbids looking at Zola during meetings.

“You’ll be surprised” She snorts and it’s bitter. Nikolai curiosity perks like a bad weed. It’s unkillable and most likely to kill him one day.

“...Who?” He asks, torn between the need to know and the wish to never know “As your King, you have to tell me”

Zoya rolls her eyes so hard it’s a wonder they don’t fall off. But she will talk all the same and Nikolai feels giddy at it, for some reason.

“Well, firstly it was the Darkling who was the worst puppy love ever but it did happen.” Zoya says like it’s the weather and Nikolai has to repress a shudder.

“Gross.” He adds because he really is a child at heart, great ruler (and many other things) or not. What’s life without a little childishness anyway.

“Yes.” She confirms “Then it was Orestev”

“...Malyen Orestev? Hunting genius, mysterious third amplifier, and cousin a hundred times removed of the Darkling?” He has to check. He just has to. The man he met was so devoted to Alina that-

Nope. They kissed. He remembers now- he dearly regrets now ever looking from that window that day. Now he can’t unsee that forbidden image. Blast his curiosity. He’s no cat but it will kill him one day. He just knows it.

“Yup” She shrugs, as casual as ever. Nikolai, who is ever prepared for the unexpected, is not equipped to deal with this at all “At least I fucked that one”

At.

All.

“You have an awful taste in men. Just awful” He’s whining, fully aware of that fact and unable to stop. What a disaster “Wow. I did not expect you of all people to have this level of-”

“Shut it or die”

Wisely, Nikolai listens to the embarrassed Grisha.

“So, who is he now?”

...Nobody who actually knew Nikolai has ever called him wise and it’s for a very real reason. He fakes it, but wisdom does not come easily to him. Or ever.

“Someone I can’t have” Zoya shrugs casually. Nikolai frowns, utterly perplexed.

“You are aware of the many, many, many marriage proposals I have had to refuse in your name this past year, yes?”

“What?” Zoya blinks at him. No, she had no idea at all. Nikolai wouldn’t believe it if he was not seeing it. “I have not received any proposals”

Oh, Nikolai remembers now. He kind of started burning them a little while ago. And ordered the servants to bring all proposals to him. And forbid anyone to tell her- Okay. Maybe he has a problem here. Possibly. Genya may have a point too, but he will never tell her.

“...Well, now you know”

“Why did you reject them all?” She wonders aloud. Nikolai’s panic is a quiet thing, he merely smiles blandly while looking for exists or a distraction that is utterly out of hand at the moment and slowly loses the hope of escape this conversation “We need all the allies we can get” And the will to live, while he’s on it.

Now, how to explain this withou- He’ll just use a Tamar Rant instead. He has suffered through a lot of them as Sturmhold and he has always used whatever to defend his goals. He’s a thief at heart, after all

“You are no cattle to exchange favors from”

“...What?”

Oh, Nikolai apparently forgot that Tamar was not born at Ravka and the patriarchy in Shu Ham is so much worse. He also conveniently overlooked that he is not aamisogynistic ass and as the King what he says goes. And he will never be stupid enough to let someone as Zoya settle as a noble wife, of all things. What a waste of resources.

Nikolai hates waste of good resources even more than he hates the Darkling.

“I will not sell you like that” He tries again because Nikolai is nothing but committed.

“Excuse me?” Meanwhile, Zoya looks a remark away to commit murder. Considering that Zoya is just as stubborn as he is but with aggression instead of disarming overwhelming charm, Nikolai will proceed with Plan B.

“I need you as a Grisha more than I need any alliance”

“Why would I not keep my post as a married woman?” Zoya asks as if the question never occurred to her. It’s clear, in moments like these, that as much she can act like a noble (or even more superior, somehow) she was, in fact, not born as one.

Truly, an innovative notion.

“...No reason” He laughs nervously “Anyway, so who’s he? He must be very high on the social pyramid or very low, to make you think that” Zoya raises an eyebrow, unimpressed “Very high, definitively. You are also not the kind to have the whole starcrossed lover things with an enemy”

“One day I’m going to strangle Nina Zenik with my own hands because her stupidity will drive me to it”

“Drastic. Us Fjerdians are not so bad, I’ll let you know. Very handsome, very handy”

“You are Ravkian” She raises one single brow and it’s devastating

“...So I am” Why does he has to tell Zoya all his secrets without noticing, anyway? It seems like a huge oversight on his part. “So a high noble then. But I had dukes and counts ask for your hand and you’re not blind to their interest-”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore” She interrupts and triumph is so close Nikolai can already taste it. Then his brilliant stupid brain connects the final pieces and it promptly shuts down after its conclusion.

Because there’s only a man high enough and close enough to Zoya to awake actual feelings from her, not just lust. Because there’s only one person someone as ambitious and driven as Zoya will admit she can’t have and-

“It’s me, isn’t it?” He asks softly. Zoya stares right into his eyes.

“No” She doesn’t blink, doesn’t look away, doesn’t give away anything and Nikolai knows either way

She’s lying.

“It is me” He repeats and he can see the exact moment vulnerability rises and dies in Zoya’s face. He takes a step closer to her. She steps back, then forward to meet him, chin raised in defiance. ‘You won’t break me’ it says ‘I dare you to try’

Nikolai is kissing her before he knows it, damn the consequences. She kisses him back as if she will devour him if he’s not careful. Nikolai vaguely remembers Kirgin’s words, his dreamy uninformed ‘but what a way to go’ and maybe he agrees.

Then he bites her lip because fuck going anywhere he is exactly where he wants to be. She makes a mewling nose and Nikolai stops thinking to start feeling.

Her hair in his fingers, soft and dense and a lot more tangled that he imagined it-

Her hands in his neck, in his back, in his ass, massaging and scratching and grabbing as if she couldn’t have enough of him-

The whisper of teeth against him, unexpectedly gentle, her unusually sharp canines scraping his tongue, the soft coffee flavored lips moving and sucking-

Her legs around his lips, bucking and trashing and rubbing in all the right places-

Her kafta, a mess on his feet, almost tripping him-

Skin, the taste of her neck, perfume and sweat and something Zoya-

The sounds she makes, unintentional and genuine, the shiver on his back and the air leaving him in a gasp-

Her lips, red and sinful, slowly surrounding his cursed finger, one by one with eyes full of promises and wicked things-

Her, from all sides, surrounding him, suffocating him. His lungs full for the first time in forever, his mouth trying to breathe her in-

They end a mess on the floor, his limbs mixed with her, their clothes rumpled and hastily thrown away on the floor, chests heaving, cheeks rosy, satisfaction relaxing their limbs in puddles. Nikolai kind of wishes to roll over her and start all over again. He tries to but falls back. Maybe he’ll try again when he regains control of his legs

“This did not happen” Zoya is the one who breaks the silence, breathes still irregular but voice firm. It’s an order, so sure it makes him almost pay attention, fit for a queen and Nikolai is not usually this foolish

“Okay” He agrees carelessly, turning his head so he can look at her. She looks torn between hurt, satisfaction, and rage. It’s cute “I was thinking about May, with the flowers in bloom. Here at the Little Palace”

“Wha-?” He has never seen her this confused and he can’t help but laugh, the sound free and easy. It’s been too long since he has felt like this.

“Our wedding of course!” He declares with as much pomp as he can manage

“Our-” Oops, it looks like rage is winning on Zoya’s emotional scuffle. this will probably be painful. Nikolai can’t wait “What are you talking about? I’m not marrying you!”

“Well, not now. I still have to propose and all but you will” He says as if it’s easy or simple or an universal truth. Like the grass is green and the sky blue and Zoya Nazyalensky will marry Nikolai Lanstov this spring. “Do you prefer July, then?”

Zoya throws a paperweight at him and it hurts. His exuberant grin does not falter for a single second. She throws the other paperweight and this one he narrowly avoids. It was straight to his face

“What game do you think you’re playing?” Her whisper is the last thing a lot of fools have heard and Nikolai Lanstov is no fool.

“Don’t be daft, we’re not playing anything” Nikolai Lanstov is also too involved making chaotic plans at the moment to listen to reason. Or Zoya. Or his self-preservation instincts. “Anyway, I think Genya and David should be the first to know- after Tamar and Tolya, of course, but they don’t count. We’ll twist this in Court to our advantage, shouldn’t be that difficult and-”

“You can’t marry me!” Zoya raises her voice. It’s shrill and a little scary but nothing new to Nikolai

“Watch me, dear” He says without paying attention “I think a little Ceremony will be best, nothing too opulent. We probably should let Kilgrin organize him, very supervised, he’s got a lot of practice in this kind of thing over the years-”

And Nikolai can’t continue because a very naked, very distracting Zoya has just straddled him, his hand caught in a vice-like grip upside his head.

“What.” She snarls right next to his face, eyes screaming murder “Do you think you are doing?”

“Weell...” He drawls, trying and failing not to smile at her cute, scrunched nose “when two people love each other very much-”

Her scream of rage it’s a thing of beauty. He can see the entire country of Fjerda trembling under the sheer force of her anger.

“We can’t marry each other” She snarls again, face falling from ‘Furious but not really trying to Maim’ to ‘Even your ashes will be destroyed.’ Normally, he would run now, aware of the danger of her temper. But he’s quite comfortable where he is, having all of her focused on him.

He’s probably a masochist.

“Why not? You’ll be a great queen”

“That’s obvious” Zoya rolls her eyes, more relaxed for some reason. It’s probably the bragging that does it “You know why we can’t”

“I can and will do a lot of things for Ravka” Nikolai concedes “Just not this time”

“We desperately need allies”

“I can charm them without a ring or a bed” He grins his best king smile to ilustrate his point. Zoya doesn’t blink at it. She’s hard to impress.

“We are at the brink of another war”

“All the better for marrying a general”

“You don’t love me” Zoya passes a hand through her hair. It gets tangled in the mess of it. Saints, she’s gorgeous “This- this thing is just pent up lust, sexual tension, I don’t know but not-” She’s nervous, moving this way or the other. Almost uncomfortable. It’s unseetling in someone like her “You don’t love me” She repeats, more like herself.

“But I do” He says softly. Zoya averts her eyes.

“What for? My personality?” She snarks at him and Nikolai laughs because she’s blushing like a school girl

“I was surprised too.” He kisses her, a soft caress. He can feel the moment she smiles “Marry me?” He repeats

“Okay” She agrees, just as softly.

“Yeah?” He asks again because apparently, this is what three rejected marriage proposals do to him. Ugh, insecurity.

“Don’t beg, it’s unbecoming” She’s back at her mean self and Nikolai couldn’t be happier. He lifts his eyebrows playfully

“Round two?”

“You wish” Zoya gets up, completely unashamed of her nakedness. Nikolai watches her “Get up, royal bum, we have a busy day ahead of us”

“Don’t call me royal bum, call me something sweet and loving”

“My sun and my stars, arrow of my heart, move your fucking ass”

Saints, does Nikolai love that woman.

#nikoloya #zoyalai #grishaverse #kos #i wrote something!#hope you like it #it's a little mess but i had like no beta #just grammarly so #haha tell me what you think #I'm needy that way

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sanktnikolais · 3 years

Text

Invisible String

The three major events of Zoya's life that Nikolai has had glimpses of, and he feels her emotions all the way to his side of the invisible string connecting them.

or that zoyalai psychic/emotional connection au

@grishaverseonline mission 12: favourite character - nikolai lantsov

A/N: guess who’s posting a new content after months of hiding? HAHAHA. This was supposed to be posted yesterday for my birthday but I wasn’t able to finish early. So have this late birthday treat from me. ;-;

Warning tho, contains some RoW spoilers, and contains the alternate version (Am’s version LMAO) of the garden scene.

Word count: 5174

They said that it would take a lot for one to get accustomed to the pain that came with losses.

Nikolai never realized he had lost so much until he had everything within his reach.

He didn’t know it was already a loss when his mother had decided to be unfaithful to the King of Ravka and bore an illegitimate child with a Fjerdan merchant. He didn’t know it was already a loss when he had met a certain brown-haired boy in one of his private classes, not knowing that he would be the reason why that same boy would be drafted early for the war that would take his life later on. He didn’t know it was already a loss when he still tried to seek the approval of the older brother that never wanted him, and that would end up in him developing a cunning personality to gain acceptance from everyone around him. He didn’t know it was already a loss when he dropped the guillotine that would imply that his father was guilty of such a heinous crime, exiling both him and his queen to a faraway place, never to set foot on the country they had sworn to protect yet failed in every possible way.

It only came to him, when he was finally sitting on the throne and overseeing a broken country, that he hadn’t really gained anything along the way. Only nightmares that weighed on his shoulders and kept him awake at night, and the black scars that were just as dark as the blood of every life lost in the war coating his hands.

And pain.

Both the ones he had known and acknowledged, and the sudden, unexplainable bursts of physical or emotional pain that came to him in the most random times throughout his life.

Nikolai didn’t know when it started. Being a young royalty that grew up doing everything in his own cunning way had taught him to mask the pain into something less hurting. Whether it was telling horrible jokes or making something more complicated by talking too much—it was his way to beat around the bush and away from the impending truth, thinking that if he ignored it long enough, he would forget it.

It worked, somehow, but it only pent up the emotions in his heart that were bound to explode later on.

Even though that fact was clear to him, it still wasn't enough to justify his first, sudden outburst when he was twelve.

It was quite a normal day—he had another hour with the extra reading on chemistry and Kaelish history he had requested from his tutors, and he was stuck in the library until the late hours of the afternoon. But the truth behind it, however, was to have time to sneak in and out of the palace to visit Dominik and his family in the countryside.

The whole day of learning to braid Dominik's sisters' hair had ended happily, with Nikolai able to finish tying all of them, albeit resulting in tangles that would need more attention to fix later.

You'll get used to it, Dominik had mused with a light laugh. I didn't learn this in just one day.

Nikolai thought of them on his way home, seeing how their smiles seemed to reach their eyes when they laughed around each other, something he never saw or felt in the Grand Palace. An unwanted pricking stung his eyes, and he immediately reached up to wipe the tears away. It was foolish to be longing for something insignificant when he already had everything he needed. He could just ask anything from his servants and tutors, and they would appease his request without question. So why was he suddenly—

His throat clogged up with muffled sobs, the sickening feeling of both anger and sadness constricting his heart as if there was a fist was trying to crush it. The next thing he knew, he was collapsing on the palace gardens, and the tears were endless.

The wind picked up around him, followed by the sound of thunder. But they fell deaf in his ears as the wails tore from his throat.

Then it happened. The dreadful images of a ruined church and a horrified expression from the face of an old man flashed before his eyes, along with the searing feeling of anger directed to him.

But then the images faded as fast as they had come, and there was the sudden hollow feeling in his chest.

Palace guards found him in the same spot a few hours later, curled into a fetal position as if to shield his body from harm. The King had demanded he explain what had happened, and knowing their judgment to anything Nikolai had ever done and said made him lie. He told them he had hurt himself when he tripped and fell in the gardens, and they easily believed it as it was his own foolishness. There was no way they would believe him even if he tried to tell the truth.

He had been sent to a Healer right after that to check for other injuries, even when he knew to himself there wasn't any.

Except for the sudden hollowness in his heart that could never be filled.

***

The next one didn't happen until three years later, when Nikolai was fifteen.

He would never know what had given him away, but years of sneaking back and forth in the palace made him careless, and it was only a matter of time before Vasily, his ever cruel brother, knew about it.

"You're just turning sixteen," Vasily said with a sneer. "But you're already tumbling peasant girls. You're no better than father."

Fear gripped at his mind almost instantly when he realized that this mistake would befall on Dominik. Nikolai knew too well how commoners who had done something wrong would be punished by being barred from the palace in disgrace, sending them back to their families with nothing else but their clothes and themselves.

Nikolai had begged Vasily to hold his tongue, to keep a secret for him. But if there was one thing he knew about his older brother, it was that Vasily never cared about him.

So why would Vasily care about some boy with no name?

"Do you understand what you have done?" Nikolai asked furiously the next morning when he had cornered Vasily in the lapis drawing room.

Vasily merely shrugged. “Your friend won’t get to study with his betters, and you won’t get to keep rambling in the fields like a commoner. I’ve done you both a favor.”

“His family will lose their stipend. They may not be able to feed themselves without it.” His rage was boiling into something much worse, and he could feel it coursing through his veins. But he still held back. It was his weakness, he realized, that he didn’t have the heart to lash out his anger on someone close to him, no matter how cruel they had treated him. “Dominik won’t be exempt from the draft next year.”

“Good. The crown needs soldiers,” said Vasily. Then he scoffed, giving Nikolai a once-over. “Maybe he’ll learn his place.”

Nikolai had expected his anger to explode, all the pent-up emotions to finally be let go. But he felt disappointed instead, as if he had lost something important. It took him a second to realize that he had lost his respect and admiration for his older brother.

For years, he thought that Vasily was better than their father. Whereas their father sat slouched on the throne and shoulders hunched when he stood, Vasily was the exact opposite of him. He always stood tall, chin held up high. He was the spitting image of what Nikolai had imagined a royal should be.

But Nikolai had never been ashamed to admit that he was so wrong.

"You should be ashamed," said Nikolai quietly.

But Vasily only jabbed a finger to Nikolai’s chest. “You do not tell me what I should or shouldn’t do, Sobachka," he snarled, his voice laced with poison, the same one that Nikolai almost drank when Vasily had mixed a droplet of it into Nikolai's cup. "I will be a king, and you will always be Nikolai Nothing.”

Then it happened again, the strange images appearing before his eyes. Where Nikolai expected it to be the same ones he saw four years ago, they were different this time.

The drawing room morphed into a rough terrain full of snow, and an enormous white tiger had replaced the spot where his brother was in front of him, its teeth bared and hind legs laid back to pounce.

It was then he felt the sudden feeling to protect himself, his survival instincts kicking in, and he did just that. The images faded, his surroundings fading back to the drawing room.

With a strength that came from nights spent roughhousing with peasants and workers alike in some shady fight club in Os Alta's outskirts, Nikolai snatched his brother's finger that was on his chest and twisted hard.

Vasily fell to the ground with a yelp. He looked impossibly small. A satisfying feeling settled itself in Nikolai's chest. It was most likely the worst he had seen his brother, and if Nikolai had only known that his older brother was nothing more than a facade to hide such a vile and weak face underneath, he wouldn't have wasted his whole life trying to be like Vasily.

"A king never kneels, brother," Nikolai hissed before he left his brother's prone form on the ground.

He was sure that Vasily wouldn't let him forget what he had done to him.

But the next time his brother would try to come for him, Nikolai would be ready.

***

The worst one happened almost five years later.

He was finally fulfilling his dream as a privateer in the seas, and the name Sturmhond was born right in the middle of the True Sea, never to be forgotten by all sailors and pirates as the years would go on.

It was supposed to be a diplomatic meeting with the Fjerdan traders that came from Djerholm. They were set to talk about the territories, with Fjerda claiming that they didn’t allow enemy ships to sail freely at the northern True Sea without permits unless they wanted their ships obliterated by Fjerda. Nikolai had wanted to laugh when he saw the ship; it was too enormous and too sturdy-looking to be of trading purposes only. He assumed that it had to be a warship since its captain and crew were too confident to stop the Volkvolny. No one ever dared to go against the Volkvolny —the black sails that had guided them for years were already a familiar sight to all the sailors and pirates. Though it was smaller than any warships in the seas, it could still go on par with ships twice as big as it, and it had sunk numerous vessels and gotten away unscathed.

These Fjerdan ‘traders’ should have known better than to get in the Volkvolny’s way.

True enough, when Nikolai had stepped into the enemy ship to negotiate the terms, he immediately noticed the heavy artillery carelessly covered by a rag on the main deck. They had even attempted to blend it in among the cargo crates scattered on the floor, but the canons were obvious underneath the thin material covering them. He let out a breath. He suddenly wasn’t sure if going here with only his two Shu mercenary turned personal guards was ideal. At least twenty rough-looking men were surrounding them, and their captain, Captain Hjar, was only a bit shorter than Tolya, and yet he still looked impossibly tall than all of them. His hair had been cropped close to his skin, exposing the lined scar that ran from his temple to the spot behind his ear.

Tamar had voiced out her concerns then, telling him that something was not right, and Nikolai acknowledged it greatly. The Shu mercenary’s gut instincts already saved their lives countless times before, and he wasn’t going to ignore that. But he knew the Fjerdan crew’s taste for dominance. He wasn’t just going to let these men do as they please to the travelers that would pass their private routes.

He could only hope that this risky meeting they were doing would turn in their favor.

�� And yet as soon as they stood in front of Captain Hjar and his men, the wooden bridge that connected the two ships was cut off, causing shouts of protest from his crew back in his ship.

“Oh, wow," said Nikolai with mocking surprise. Tolya and Tamar tensed behind him, their hands already poised on the weapons strapped to their belts. He turned back to Hjar. "We haven't even started the meeting yet."

Captain Hjar only smirked. "Better not waste your time, little wolf," he said, his voice scratchy as if he had been shouting his whole life. "Why try to prolong this when it would still end in the same result?"

"Lay down your sword, Hjar."

"These men would be making bread from the bone and skin of skinny Ravkan boys tonight, little wolf. And I can assume your ship has plenty of valuables, aye? I cannot promise not to hurt your men," he said, and his men laughed together with him. When he stopped, his cold eyes held a dangerous glint as he stared at the twins behind Nikolai. "And it'd be fun to have some nice, warm campfire with those two Grisha of yours."

Something in Nikolai's mind had quieted, shutting out anything logical from coming into his head. The thoughts halted. His rage slowly took over like a monster finally overwhelming its prey. He felt numb and empty, and he realized that the rage was focused on the Fjerdan captain.

Then for the third time in his life, it happened again. Everything else faded around him and threw him under the landscape of complete darkness. It was like he had been thrown into the Fold. After a moment, it blurred and shifted to another—a small, empty shop in some town he couldn't recognize where. Then it shifted again, and this time, it showed him a man who was on his knees, clawing at his throat as if he were struggling to breathe.

Nikolai held onto those images in vain, so he could make sense of them earlier on. But the rage inside him had him forgetting them in a snap, and all he could feel was anger. Anger towards everything.

With that, his body relaxed, and he regarded Hjar with a calm tone. These men needed to know their places. "Maybe you're right about that, Hjar," he asked, and he saw the Fjerdan captain acknowledge him with mocking curiosity. "But it wouldn't be my men who would be butchered today."

He saw the shift of expression from the Fjerdan captain's face, and Nikolai pounced with his own sword.

The fight hadn't even lasted for a minute. Hjar's men had completely underestimated the mercenary twins by just being Grisha, but they were just as deadly as any well-trained assassins. Soon enough, Nikolai’s crew had the Fjerdans tied up and shoved them down their knees, with Hjar at Nikolai’s mercy. But he felt nothing at all.

"You want to know something, captain?" asked Nikolai mildly as he went behind the burly man and held up his tied hands on his back. Hjar gave a pained grunt. Then Nikolai leaned down near the man's ear. "Foolish old captains aren't fit meat for Ravkan men."

Then he took out his knife and cut the Fjerdan captain's fingers.

Nikolai barely heard the man's screams or even felt the blood gushing out from the wounds. He just felt numb all over. If his crew noticed the sudden change in his behavior, they didn't voice it out. Only the twins were the ones who showed a bewildered reaction as Nikolai held the decapitated fingers in his bloodied hands.

He threw them over his crew's guard hound dog at the side. "Eat up, Razjen," he said. "I'm pretty sure the dogs would appreciate that kind of meat given to them."

That same night, he and his Volkvolny crew had drunk and eaten to their guts' limits from the spoils they had divvied up from the Fjerdan trader ship. From the night until the earliest hours of dawn, they had laughed, celebrated, and sung until their throats were raw and their bellies full.

But when the night ended and Nikolai had retreated into the confines of the captain's quarters, he had thrown up everything he had eaten until tears stung his eyes. He had expected them to stop when he was done, but it only worsened as sobs and wails tore from his lips again, just like it had almost a decade ago, when he had collapsed in the palace gardens and cried himself out for a reason he had never known.

And as the hours passed and night broke into dawn, the tears had finally stopped. Nikolai fell asleep, but the hole that had made its way to his heart from the first time he felt the sudden shift in his emotions now only felt deeper than before.

***

Nikolai blinked as he felt the heavy tug in his heart again. It was much more painful than before as if whatever at the other end of the string wanted him to hurt on purpose, and he was left to choose whether to still follow her in or not.

The funeral had ended hours ago but he could still feel the heaviness and gloom lingering in the air. He wanted to visit Genya in her quarters for the night, just to extend whatever he could offer her for the meantime. But he decided against it when he rounded the corner leading to the Tailor’s chambers, and that’s when he saw Zoya coming out from the door. She had lingered outside for a moment, her hand clutching at the handle as if to hold herself upright. If he looked harder, he was sure it really was the reason as he saw her shoulders shaking and her head was bowed down, something his general never did.

A searing pain in his chest made him wince, the hurting so painful it felt like he had just been burned by a branding iron. The want—the need—to reach out for her was the only thing he had wanted to do at that moment. But he willed the thought away, remembering how the things were between them.

They did not look to each other for comfort, and he knew the last thing Zoya would want was for him to give her his sympathies. It had been their unspoken agreement ever since Ravka was put on their shoulders. There was no time for sentiments, they would only spiral them down much worse.

After another minute of silence, Zoya had quietly left, her form completely blending in with the gloominess that surrounded the palace walls. Nikolai decided to follow her out then, and it led him to now, following her through the dark, narrow walkway that led into someplace he wasn’t sure of. Tangles of vines pricked at his skin as he walked further. Eventually, he reached the other end of the path, and the sight of the place astonished him.

Flowers and shrubs of every variety were lined up in the soil beds, overwhelming the ground in different colors. The open ceiling of the area had allowed frost and snow to fall over the plants, and it coated the leaves and petals alike. It looked almost like a small world of only peace and serenity, and yet it felt like a garden of sadness, with grief dripping on every plant and bleeding through the four walls that surrounded it.

Nikolai spotted Zoya in the middle of the dim garden, her back turned to him as she looked around. Snow was starting to fall, and it caught in the dark waves of her hair. Under the moonlight, she was glowing, a saint watching over the people. But behind the light that masked her real face, something was wrong. What once was her perfect stance and chin held high, she was now hunched, bent down, as if she were hiding from the world.

Then he felt it again, the sharp and painful tug in his chest. But this time, it felt different. This time, it was leading in a direction.

And it was leading towards her.

Nikolai blinked, his eyes widening a fraction. Could it be—

"I'm running out of room," she said, her voice barely a quivering whisper.

Had she known he was following her all along?

"Do you—" Nikolai shook his head, unsure of what to say. He tried again. "You tend to this place?"

Zoya was silent for a moment. Her shoulders had gone stiff the same way she was poised for battle. But Nikolai had merely asked a question, and he wondered if it was prying enough to cause that reaction from her.

"I needed somewhere to go to distract myself, and this has always been the place my feet would lead me to," she said quietly. "It was an old vegetable garden. I found it years ago, back when—" Her voice broke into a muffled cry, and yet there were no tears, like she refused to let them fall. She shook her head, her hands lifting as if to brag about the wonderful bunch of plants around her. But the gesture looked so helpless, so lost, and she let her arms fall back limply to her sides. Then in a broken whisper, she repeated, "I'm running out of room."

Nikolai's eyebrows drew tight in concern. He took a step towards her, and stopped almost immediately. It felt like he was treading across a dangerous line that neither of them ever had the guts to cross. Things were already too complicated, whether it’s about Ravka or about them, and he didn’t want to make things worse. But he refused to leave her on her own. Not like this.

Slowly, he made his way towards her, feeling the tug become stronger and stronger until he stopped at her side. He felt the cold seep through his clothes, harsh and biting like Zoya’s daily demeanor. But tonight, there was only grief and sadness, and it made everything even colder.

There was a long silence between them as he waited for Zoya to speak. Or if she wanted to speak. He wasn’t going to force anything from her. It was already a painful day for them to get through, and he wouldn’t add to the burden they were all carrying on their shoulders. He was grateful for the silence either way.

But when Zoya spoke later, her voice was quiet, lacking the usual sharpness it always had. “I plant something new for every Grisha lost,” she started. And there it was again, the heavy feeling in Nikolai’s chest that weighed down on him and made him struggle to breathe. It took all of Nikolai not to reach out for her. Then she lifted her hand and started pointing to the plants. “Heartleaf for Marie. Yew for Sergei. Red Sentinel for Fedyor. Even Ivan has a place. He was once a soldier like us too, before the Darkling corrupted him.” She touched her fingers to a frozen stalk near the edge of the soil bed. “This was for Harshaw, and they will blossom bright orange in the summer, just as bright as his ridiculous hair.”

Nikolai felt a small smile twitch on his lips. There was an obvious jest in her tone, but her words were sad, still haunted by the past war they could never be free of. He reached for the plant, letting his fingers touch its leaves delicately. He dusted off the frost from the leaves’ surface, and it almost looked as new as ever. The Inferni had once fought beside him in the mountains and with Alina and the others in the Fold, proving his loyalty up until the very end. It was unfortunate that he didn’t get to see past the war as it had already taken his life.

“These Dahlias were for Nina when I thought she’d been captured and killed by the Fjerdans,” Zoya continued, her hands reaching out to the flowers next to Harshaw’s. “They bloom with the most ridiculous red flowers in the summer. They’re the size of dinner plates.” Then as steady as her hands were when she first reached out to touch them, they began to tremble badly. “This was the last one I vowed that I would plant. I kept promising myself over and over and over. But they only kept increasing. There was no end. And now David—” She stopped abruptly, her throat clogging up with a quiet sob. “I’m running out of room, Nikolai.”

A tear escaped Nikolai’s eye, and he quickly wiped it away. He didn’t know why he did that. Earlier in the funeral, he didn't shed a single tear when he gave the eulogy, only the prickling pain that gave the first signs of tears. But they didn’t fall. Guilt had been clawing at him ever since, thinking that he hadn’t cared enough to show that he was mourning the loss of an old friend. It was only reasonable to cry; they were all grieving, after all. So why still hide, when there was no one else to see him?

Then he realized it was what he had been used to. This was what they were taught. You don’t let yourself wallow in sadness—you get back up and continue on. No matter how heavy the weight on your shoulders was.

Soldiers did not cry. Princes did not weep. And kings should never get fazed by such sentiments and emotions.

But what if it was the only thing left to do?

Nikolai glanced at Zoya, seeing tears staining her cheeks as well. She wiped at them hastily and tried her best to blink them away. He heard her draw in a shuddering breath.

“They will continue to thrive and bloom as long as they get taken care of,” said Zoya, her fingers curling around a stalk from the dahlias. “But what if they don’t? What if they stopped even as I tend to them everyday?”

He immediately understood the deeper meaning behind her words. Every life lost under her watch; every Grisha blood staining her hands. It was the weight on her shoulders she had always carried, a weight that existed ever since she had been a soldier, up until now that she was their general.

If he could only take all the burden from her chest and carry it along with his own, he would have done it. But that wasn’t how it worked. They were all bound to have their own burdens—it would only be a matter of difference with the people around them that would help them get back up on their feet whenever they get too tired from carrying it all.

Nikolai let out a long breath, his gaze landing on the twisting gray branches that ran along the perimeter of the garden. He recognized it right away. “Thorn wood,” he murmured. He felt Zoya’s confusion even before she could voice it out, so he continued speaking. “It grows around, protecting everything within these walls, stronger than anything else in the garden, weathering every season. No matter the winter it endures, it still persists, all prickles and thorns and spines anger just to keep protecting everything here.” Then he turned to her, looking down at the bright and never-ending flames behind her eyes. He gave her a lopsided smile. “Those thorns, they remind me of you. Prickly and sharp, just like you are. But its purpose was to protect all these flowers and plants, like the way you protect our people.”

Zoya almost looked like she was on the brink of breaking, but her questions persisted. “And what if the winter is just too long and hard? What if it can’t continue protecting them all?”

He was afraid to reach for her, but he did it anyway. He took her gloved hand in his, and when he expected her to pull away, she didn’t. Instead she folded into him like a flower closing its petals at nightfall. “Then it would still be there, watching over all the flowers and plants, giving them the sense of protection, keeping them strong until the summer comes, even as its life withers away.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, a laugh escaping his lips. “I do hope I made sense with all that blabbering.”

This earned a huff from his general. “Who says you ever did?” she said, but he felt her hand squeeze his back, gratitude evident even from that smallest of gestures. That was when tears fell from her eyes again, and Nikolai felt some of his own as well.

Trusting what his gut told him to do, he wrapped his arm around her.

And in the same exact moment, Nikolai didn’t feel the painful tug in his chest anymore. It was as if he had undone all the tangles and knots between, and he could finally pass through the thread without difficulties.

Zoya seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then with a soft breath, she let herself lean against him. Zoya the deadly. Zoya the ferocious. The weight of her against him felt like benediction, the long lost piece from the puzzle that he had been trying to figure out for years. For the first time in his short life, he felt at peace. He had been strong for his country, his soldiers, his friends. It meant something entirely different to be strong for her.

When he thought that they did not look at each other for comfort, he had just been understanding it quite differently. No, they gave each other comfort in their own way—whether it was through sharp wits and harsh words that kept their will stronger, or even just through knowing looks and long silences. It was their way to tell each other that they were always there to keep each other marching on their feet, and pull each other from the darkness they were both continuously fighting their way out of.

There would still be a lot of problems to face, obstacles to get past with, lives to be lost. But they would be alright. They still had each other to get through everything, and it was enough.

Together.

And that’s how it would be from then on until the very end.

***

He used to believe that the other end of the string was just like any other end, blunt and empty. Not once did he ever think that he could be wrong.

Now, Nikolai knew one thing. It would always lead towards her.

#zoyalai #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #king of scars #my writing #hHNNNNGGGG #guess who came back to post some shitty mess #HALJKHASDFLJAS #the canon events in their childhood are so close to their ages so it's quite fun to make these parallels #and it's sad sad #;-;#i hope i did justice with the garden scene rewrite/alternate version #tiff came up with this idea some time ago and i only finished it today T-T #everyone go support tiff and her galaxy brain plz #no that is not a request #it's now time to disappear again for another few months HAHAH

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dregstrash · 5 years

Note

also can we see a zoyalai proposal because i'm starving for that content

here’s what imma do. i’m going to do a little three part series based on some of the requests @kestrel-of-herran sent me, and i’m just going to hope that it’s going to work out just like I want

Part 1: The Before

Whoever thought that King Nikolai Lantsov of the New Ravka was an immovable force of charm and steel, would never have guessed how terrified he was at this particular moment.

His mind moved around itself, rationalizing, logically dissecting the restlessness that fluttered through him, but it was to no avail. He was a ball of nervous energy that was unraveling every second he was forced to stand still.

“Genya said you wanted to see me.”

Her voice carried across the lake, and Nikolai felt his stomach drop further down his boat before he pasted on a smile and turned around.

“I did. I wanted to take you out on this model.” He said gesturing to his newest ship.

He and David were working with the idea of creating a new metal to fortify a regular ship, but also still being light enough so when they took to the skies it wouldn’t bog them down. This was far out of Zoya’s interest, and based on the disinterest written plainly on her face, she was about to tell him so.

“Do you want me to test out how fast it can go?” She said crossing her arms, and looking at the sails that were waiting to be of use.

Nikolai’s mouth suddenly went dry. The words that he wanted to say–should say– were stuck in his throat, and for some odd reason his breath had left the space in his lungs.

“Nikolai, are you alright?” Zoya stepped closer to him, the only look of concern showing through the slight furrow between her eyebrows.

She had wonderful eyebrows. They framed her face so well. The perfect shape leading down to her eyes that always saw right through him, and those cheekbones that spoke so royally, and–

He shook his head. He was getting distracted. He was Nikolai Lantsov. He’s faced worse than this. But after looking at Zoya again, he realized he’s also never faced this kind of battle.

“Um, yes, perfect as always, General.”

Should he have used “general”? That seems way too formal. He should have used–

He coughed, “Er, yes, I need to see how well the new anchor holds, if you could be so gracious to move some of that wind.”

She rolled her eyes, and a tiny bit of relief sank in his stomach. This was still them. Despite the war, the Darkling’s incarnate, and his failed engagement. They were still each other, and this was familiar.

“I’m nothing but gracious, Your Majesty,” She stalked toward the front of the ship, as Nikolai took the helm, “You of all people should know that.”

Nikolai chuckled trying to ignore the heat that started low in his belly.

With his direction, they took the boat out through the encompass of the lake and admired the beautiful day that it had turned out to be. The sun was bright and clear amongst the clouds and the greens of the trees. Spring was bringing a new beginning, and saints knew that Ravka could use some new beginnings.

When they had reached the middle of the lake, Nikolai dropped the anchor and met Zoya at the bow of the ship.

“You couldn’t have had any other Squaller to do this for you?” She huffed at him. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were gleaming from using her powers. Nikolai had always known she was beautiful, but at this moment she was absolutely glowing.

“And ruin a perfect opportunity to get you alone? I was never one to waste chances, my dear.” He grinned brushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

When the war had ended, and the Darkling Incarnate dead, Princess Ehri had made quite the request after Nikolai had failed to “charm” her (not like he tried). The Shu princess asked to be made a ward of Ravka, insisted even to be left alone in the country and be loyal to Ravka as long as she didn’t have to marry him.

Some base part of him had the sense to be slightly offended at that, but then when her carriage disappeared over the hill and he found Zoya walking around the abandoned part of the Little Palace, his pride didn’t matter. What mattered was the next moment (all hard, relieved breaths against skin, kisses pressed desperately together, clothes that seemed like too much and too little, and the inevitably of their hearts falling). Then after that was the next moment (mornings with ebony hair against his chest, arms demanding to never rise, lazy morning sweetness that tasted of sleep, and the comfort of knowing he would never have to let go). Ever since that day four months ago, there were moments after moments, and looking at Zoya now with his hand resting against her face he was ready for the next.

Taking a deep breath he let go and sank down on one knee while taking a ring out from his pocket.

Zoya’s eyebrows had raised significantly onto her forehead, but other than that she stayed still as a statue, staring at him as if he had suddenly spouted fire.

“I once said to my brother that a king never kneels, but I have a little room in my pride to make an amendment to that statement. A king should never kneel to those who are not deserving. And you, Zoya Nazyalensky, are far more deserving than I can imagine. Ravka owes you their lives. But I owe you my heart. You have given everything of yourself, and I only ask that I may be granted the opportunity to do the same for you. I am not asking as a king or even a prince, I’m asking as a man who has found a life worth living if you were there by his side. Will you marry, Zoya?”

The ring he held up glinted in the sunlight. The Lantsov Emerald was gone and given, and Nikolai found himself glad for it. Zoya didn’t deserve things of the past, this was new and right, and he wanted to give her a ring that was more than the before. He had David make the metal band to emulate her old fetter amplifiers with its dark metal and rippled texture and set a simple diamond with two emeralds on either side.

There was a beat more of silence and Nikolai felt his whole world was going to collapse if she didn’t say anything or say no. What would he do then? Would he have to swallow his pride and–

Zoya took a step toward him, and it was Nikolai’s turn to be surprised when she knelt right in front of him.

She wrapped one hand the one that was holding the ring, and looked right at him.

“You’re right, a king should never kneel, even to his equal. And you are my equal, Nikolai. In every way.” A sheen of tears seemed to appear and disappear so quickly that Nikolai thought he had imagined it. “I cannot promise you pleasantness or even to grow old with you, but I will promise to be there for you. Always.”

His chest tightened and expanded with each word. He could see his whole life in her eyes, and that was all he could ever want.

“Yes, Nikolai.” She smiled, and whatever breath was left in him was gone.

Radiant. She was absolutely radiant.

A nervous laugh escaped him as he slipped the ring onto her left hand and almost fainted from the happiness of it all.

He allowed her to admire her hand for a moment, and then gathered her into his arms, pressing a strong kiss against her mouth. She wrapped her arms around his neck, urging him on and he could only happily oblige.

He was overwhelmed with the feel of her, even after the many nights they shared his bed. The firmness of her. The strength of her soul. The sweetness of her mouth. She felt like the entire ocean in his arms.

Nikolai wasn’t sure when he started to cry, but his tears lingered in their mouths, and by the time both of them had come up for air, Zoya was lying on the deck of the ship and Nikolai hovered over her.

“You’re sure you want to do this, Lantsov?” She said, that familiar smirk coming back.

He laughed and leaned down to kiss her softly, “When have I been unsure of anything, Nazyalensky?”

Tagging: @stormwitchprivateer

#zoyalai #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #nikolai x zoya #king of scars #kos

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dregstrash · 5 years

Note

Zoyalai- In a Week by Hozier??? -wafflesandkruge

Hey there friend! Thanks for the ask (and for feeding the Hozier + Zoyalai addiction). Everyone give my lovely mutual @wafflesandkruge a follow.

Fun fact: the location of this alcove is based on a real life place and its my favorite place in the world

Tagging: @kestrel-of-herran

We lay here for years or for hours

What do you get a man who takes controls of armies? What do you buy him when he has a country? What do you give him when he insists that he doesn’t need any presents?

It was a conundrum that has circulated through Zoya’s mind for months, and now that Nikolai’s impending birthday party drew closer she was getting rather desperate. Out of all the men that have proposed to her, she just had to say yes to the man who was impossible to get a present for.

She couldn’t buy Nikolai anything. She couldn’t paint or draw him anything. Maybe if her pride wasn’t made of iron, she would have asked Genya for help.

Nikolai was even less helpful.

“I know exactly what you can give me.”

He smirked and made a point of sidling up to her. She flicked his forehead out of annoyance.

The lacy lingerie was obviously a given, but she’s also never had a chance to get anyone a real present before. And she wanted to do it right.

Two days before the party, Zoya managed to have a complete list of things that everyone else was getting him (an engraved watch from David, a golden brush in the shape of a fox from Genya, a book of poems from Tolya, a bow and arrow set from Tamar, etc.), but still she had nothing.

Up until she looked out into the waves and saw in her mind’s eye the ship with its sails sailing into the horizon with its three stars charting its course.

For the next forty-eight hours, she was nowhere to be seen. A fact that only caused Nikolai to worry and for Genya to fume (she was getting really tired of Zoya disappearing when there were important party decisions to be made).

The morning of Nikolai’s birthday came, and the king himself was woken up by a fully dressed Zoya.

“Good morning,” She said brightly, “Get dressed.”

Nikolai blinked up confused, but did as she asked. He stumbled into some pants, and made the quick observation that it was still dark outside.

“Where are we going, love?” Nikolai mumbled as Zoya tugged on his hand. His brain was still lingering on his warm sheets, and the rather pleasant state of sleep.

“It’s a surprise.” Was the last thing she said. Her silence was pointed and by the time Nikolai was conscious enough to start to pester her, she had pushed him onto his horse, and she led her own stallion at a pace that discouraged conversation.

The cold morning air woke his senses and he breathed in the country side as they rode further away from the castle. Except for the thundering sound of horse hooves, all was still and quiet. That is until the coast came into view and bobbing with the waves was a small boat, its sails drawn out and looking ready for a voyage.

“Zoya, what is this?” Nikolai said as he dismounted his horse. He stared in awe at the beautiful dark wood that made up the hull, the beige sails that flapped gently in the winds, and even more his mouth hung a little more open when he noted the name painted on its side: The Clever Fox

“I can’t sail this by myself,” She said ignoring his question, “I’ll guide you where you need to go.”

Too mystified by the boat and the strange determination of his wife Nikolai just agreed.

The breeze he felt when he as riding was nothing compared the sea air that whipped through his clothes and his hair. The sharp scent of salt and fish filled his lungs in a sweeping familiarity that felt like home. The rocking of the waves was a dance he knew well, and with the rough wood of the wheel under his hands Nikolai felt a forgotten elation bubble to the surface of his heart. He hadn’t had much occasion to sail with everything that was going on, and he almost called himself a fool for not doing it sooner.

It took Zoya dragging him out of bed to get him to the water, and his happiness only swelled twice its size when he watched her from the helm. Her hair pushed back in a rush of wind. Her eyes closed, soaking in the sea spray and the rising sun.

“Where to?” He called out to her. His voice almost pitching to his Sturmhound persona.

“Follow the cliff wall until you see the stars!” She yelled back with just a hint of a smile.

Nikolai wanted to prod and question further. He wanted to point out that the stars were fading with each second they were sailing, but there was something delicious about the mystery of it all, especially when that mystery was being orchestrated by his wife. He wanted to relish in all of it.

He followed her direction. Enjoying the challenge of avoiding coral reefs, and hidden sandbars, all the while guiding the small boat along the curved cliffside. They must have been sailing for half an hour when he spotted the stars.

Or at least the three stars etched into the rough stone. Nikolai’s eyes widened as he noticed the small tongue of land that led into a small and secluded cove.

Before Nikola could change the boat’s course, the water seemed to do it for him, and the wind that was filling the sails seemed to change direction on its own. He laughed as he watched Zoya manipulate the boat to dock safely.

He hopped off the vessel and caught Zoya in his arms before settling her down on the rocky shore.

“C’mon.” She urged, grasping his hand and leading him to a cave that was directly under the carving of the stars. If Nikolai thought that the surprise of the out of sight alcove was enough, he was not ready for the spread laid out before him when he ducked his head and entered the secluded space.

The alcove had another opening to the ocean and the waves lightly lapped against the rocky shore. Further up was a blanket, and a basket of food.

“Happy Birthday, Nikolai.” Zoya said smiling up at him. The light that was filtering in through the opening made her glow warmly. “I-I couldn’t think what to get you, but when I was younger my aunt and I used to say we would follow the stars and get away from everything and I thought--”

She was cut off when Nikolai brought her into his arms and pressed his mouth against hers. Nikolai didn’t need the explanation. He didn’t need the reason of why she didn’t buy him anything. He just needed to tell Zoya his gratitude in a way that words couldn’t properly express. He poured everything into that kiss. He told her how beautiful he thought this present was. He moved his mouth sweetly in to convey the depth of how much he loved her at this very moment. He kissed and kissed and kissed until he couldn’t breathe, because that’s how she made him feel: breathless and overwhelmed.

“Thank you, Zoya. I love you.” He exhaled, his mouth still on her lips. “It will take a thousand lifetimes, if not more, for me to convey that sentiment.”

She laughed, and pulled away and tugged him towards the blanket “I’m just glad you like it because there was no way I could top the present Kirgin was planning to give you.”

Nikolai rolled his eyes and groaned playfully as he pulled Zoya down beside him, “Please tell me it’s something tasteful and won’t further prove how much of a rake he actually is.”

Zoya reached over him to the basket at his side and pulled out fruit and sandwiches. “This is Kirgin we’re talking about.”

He laughed at that, and allowed Zoya to lay their breakfast out before pulling her on top of him and kissing her soundly.

He didn’t know how long they stayed in that small sanctuary, away from everyone and everything. In between the food, the small talks, the comfortable silence filled with the push and pull of the ocean, and the sweet kisses exchanged, he felt like the whole world could have ended in this space.

Nikolai used the basket as a cushion for his head as he lay down, and Zoya curled into his side with her head on his chest. The pair of them content to listen to the ocean for days, for hours, for forever.

#zoyalai #zoya nazyalensky #nikolai lantsov #nikolai x zoya #king of scars #kos

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