#i said that with bojan too but GOD jure is even more expressive in his eyes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anxious-witch · 6 months

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Inertia 5

Summary: Newton's first law expresses the principle of inertia: the natural behavior of a body is to move in a straight line at constant speed. In the absence of outside influences, a body's motion preserves the status quo.

Jan choose a direction of his life the moment he walked out of his parents house and cut all contact with them. He didn't want anything to do with them, or God anymore. Even his soulmark he wished he could leave behind. But when Nace Jordan joins the band, with a mark matching his own, can Jan keep going the same way he did? Or will the force make him change a direction?

Pairings: Jan Peteh/Nace Jordan

Warnings: Warnings for mentions of alcohol and drinking, talk about religion, religious trauma mentioned(as in every chapter let's be real), character hinting at past religious trauma and homophobia, crying, character having a panic attack near the end

If I forgot something, feel free to tell me as always

Notes: AO3 link

This one is rough again folks, make sure to check the warnings. But that said, there is finally a reveal so! Buckle up, we are in for emotional damage

My rot is as hungry as me. & when God asks me about love, I always respond with cruelty.

Yves Olade, from Beloved

They were in the tram, the first time Jan noticed it. They passed the church on their way and Nace crossed himself, almost absent mindedly. Jan immediately felt his jaw clench.

The knowledge that Jure gave him sat heavily in Jan's stomach. Nothing changed about Nace's behavior, except the way Jan viewed him.

Once he noticed, he couldn’t stop looking for it. Jure would get a call from Nika and talk to her with a soft smile on his face and Nace got this faraway, wistful look. Guilt churred in Jan’s stomach, but the knowledge weighted him down. Made his jaw lock up. If he told him, Nace would surely expect them to act like most soulmates do. Jan just couldn't do it.

So, he didn't say anything of the sort. They made small talk a couple of times, but nothing more. Jan figured that was for the best.

Until one of their gigs.

They tried not to put too many gigs before the competition, but they still had to do them. And with gigs often came alcohol.

Now, Jan wasn't blackout drunk. He never was when he had to preform. Adrenaline and post gig high did its thing, though.

Especially because Bojan kept buying them new rounds-well, other than Nace and Kris who decided not to drink for the night.

"Does alcohol have gluten?" Jan asked at one point, knocking his shoulder with Nace's.

He overestimated the amount of force necessary for it, making them both stumble. Nace grabbed the table and then caught and steadied him so he wouldn't topple over.

Perhaps he has one shot too many.

"Not usually, no. I just don't take alcohol well."

Jan looked up to him and-fuck. When did they get so close? His brain was fuzzy. Nace was close enough for Jan to smell his cologne. It smelled of orange, cinnamon and cloves. There was also a sharper undertone. Something alcoholic? Jan couldn't quite tell.

"Jan?" Nace asked, his brow furrowing.

Shit. How long was he staring? He blinked, trying to clear his head.

"Don't take it well?"

Nace sighed. He opened his mouth when there was a loud sound of glass breaking. They both turned to look and saw that one of the glasses broke, spilling all over the table.

Jure and Bojan exchanged a glance and burst out laughing. Kris sighed.

"Perhaps it's time to go home," he said sharply.

Jan could safely assume that either the drink was his, or it partially spilled on him, judging by his sour expression. Jan felt bad for him, but he couldn't help but chuckle a bit at that, too.

Bojan and Jure left unattended, especially with alcohol, never meant anything good.

"I can take Jure and Jan. They live close to each other anyway. You can drive Bojan."

Kris shot Nace a grateful look. He definitely looked ready to go home as soon as possible, while Jan and Jure both lived further away.

Jan watched in amusement as Kris and Nace tried to separate Bojan and Jure who kept making faces and giggling at each other.

Cold evening air sobered him up a bit as they walked towards the car. Nace helped still giggling Jure to even walk without falling down.

Jan took a moment to appreciate how soft Nace looked under the soft light of the nearby lamps. He wore a warm, brown sweater and black pants. His eyes were crinkled at the corners as he smiled at something Jure said.

He reminded Jan of a bulb of warm light in the dark.

Finally, they got to the car and Nace helped Jure get in the backseat. He'd doze off in a minute, as he often did after drinking this much. Jan took the shotgun.

Only when Nace turned on the heating did Jan realize how cold it was outside. He shivered.

"Are you cold? I can give you my scarf."

Jan shook his head, but he shivered again, so Nace sighed and wrapped his scarf around him anyway. It was soft and warm. It smelled of Nace's cologne. It seemed to be rust colored. Not quite red, but not quite brown, either. Warm, like Nace.

Nace started the car and Jan sneaked a glance to the backseat. Jure was already asleep, leaning against a window. He was such a cat, able to fall asleep anywhere.

"Nace? Can I ask you something?"

Nace sighed. He didn't take his eyes away from the road.

"I have a feeling you will regardless, so. Go ahead."

"Do you not drink alcohol for the same reason you don't eat snacks with us?"

Nace looked genuinely confused at the question.

"Which would be?"

"Calories."

If he were sober, Jan would try and package it a bit better. Lead into it, maybe get Nace to admit it himself. But he wasn't. And he had never been good at being mindful and careful.

Nace paled a bit and Jan saw the way his fingers twitched on the wheel. Then he slowly relaxed them.

"I see you've done your research."

Jan shrugged. There was no use denying it.

"I did. But that doesn't answer my question."

Nace's hands tightened on the wheel. He still stubbornly kept his eyes on the road, not even glancing in Jan's direction.

"No. I don't drink alcohol because the last time I did, I started stripping in front of my ex's new boyfriend. Does that answer your question?"

Jan blinked, taking in that information. That was...unexpected. He really thought he figured him out. Then again, just because it wasn't tied to the alcohol, didn't mean Nace wasn't insecure.

"It does. Did you have sex with me because you are insecure and think someone being mean to you is fine as long as they find you attractive?"

"What?!"

Jure stirred in the backseat and they both feel silent. When he didn't awaken fully, Nace took in a deep breath. When he spoke, his voice was quieter.

"How the fuck did you come to that conclusion?"

Jan inclined his head to the side. Nace's eyes were narrowed, and there was slight flush to his cheeks. Was he angry? Jan knew it was slightly insensitive to ask, but really?

"Why else would you? I mean, yeah, I'm attractive but you could have picked a random attractive guy at the club. Or hell, Kris or Jure, if it's a musician thing. Everyone else was nice to you."

Nace stopped at the red light and too that time to rub at his forehead.

"I don't even know how to begin unpacking all that."

Jan impatiently drummed his fingers against the car seat.

"Is that a yes?"

"No! Jesus Christ Jan, I may have issues, but I don't have that many issues."

Jan huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. That made no sense. Why else would he do it?

"But then why-"

"Listen. How about we continue this conversation when you are sober?"

Jan scowled and turned to look out of the window. He wasn't sure why it bothered him, exactly. He just wanted to know. If he understood Nace better, maybe the morbid curiosity he had would go away.

"Why do you want to know, anyway?"

"I don't...know. I guess I am just trying to figure you out."

Nace's brows furrowed, and he seemingly had nothing to say to that. He drove in silence while Jan mulled their conversation over.

"Why do you believe in God?"

Nacesighed.

"No. I’m sorry, but I am not having this conversation with you right now. You are drunk and this is a complex topic. We can come back to it when you are sober."

Jan didn't pout. He just made an extremely disappointed face. Then he noticed how close they were to his apartment and went to grab his bag.

Except if wasn't there. Jan looked at the seat, where only his phone laid and tried to remember where he left his bag. Was it at the club?

No. Kris would have picked it up after him. That sparked a memory. It was in Kris' car. Jan told him he put enough money in his phone case and that he'd be the one to drive him home anyway.

He never expected he'd end up in Nace's car. Without his keys.

"Fuck. I left my bag in Kris' car."

He tried to think. If he called Kris, maybe he was still awake. Jan could order an Uber there and back. As much as he wanted to collapse from exhaustion, he saw no other option.

"You can just drop me off here. I can order a taxi back to Kris' place. Let's hope he is still awake."

Nace shook his head.

"Don't be ridiculous. I live five minutes away from Kris. And if he isn't awake, you can sleep over at my place and pick up your bag from him in the morning."

Jan stared at him. His thoughts came to a halt. Here Nace was, being kind again. Jan wanted to shake him until he stopped being so goddamn nice.

"You are seriously going to offer me to sleep over?"

Nace shrugged, making a turn towards Jure's place. Like they already decided on his plan.

"I mean, we are bandmates. I'd say we could even say we are friends, if we were being generous and considered your interrogation an attempt in getting to know me."

Jan narrowed his eyes. He had no good reply to that. Except maybe...

"Is it like, a Christian thing? To be kind to everyone?"

Nace groaned, his face twisting in a grimace.

"You are not going to let this go, are you?"

It was always hard to let things go. Especially things he was curious about. And a part of him wanted a real reason to dislike Nace. To dislike his seemingly endless patience and kindness.

No one was that kind and patient for no reason.

"I mean, maybe partially it is? But I think being kind is a given. I think we are all given initial goodness when we are born. It’s our decision on whenever we are gonna keep it or not. Why wouldn't I be kind, if I can be? Who does it help if I am cruel?"

"It keeps you safe," Jan said, so quietly he wasn't sure Nace heard him at all.

He didn't say anything back until he parked the car and then turned towards Jan. His eyes stated directly into his soul and for one brief moment, Jan thought he had given himself away.

"Does it keep you safe?"

Jan's body felt like lead all of a sudden. He was pinned under Nace's gaze and unable to look away. He tried to swallow, to find words in his too-dry mouth, but there was nothing.

"Does it keep you safe?" Kris asked him once, as he lightly touched the crucifix around his neck. Jan remembered being equally startled at the question as he was now.

"The best it can," he said, echoing his previous answer.

They stared at one another for another long moment. He saw out of the corner of his eye that Nace's hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out and touch him.

There was a groan from the backseat and they both flinched. Jure blinked his eyes open and stretched, like a cat.

"Oh, are we here yet?"

Nace recovered first and smiled at Jure as if nothing happened.

"Yeah, I was just about to wake you."

Jan sat, feeling as if he was frozen still. His head was starting to pound and he could feel just how drunk he actually was. How unwise it was, talking to Nace on this state.

"Thank you for the ride Nace! Goodnight!"

Jure got up with strange precision. He didn't even seem to wobble as he made his way out of the car and towards his building. It occurred to Jan too late that he could have asked to sleep over at his apartment.

By that time, Jure was already inside the building, and Nace was starting the car again.

Jan grasped at something to say, but no words came. The silence was overbearing, weighting on Jan. With all the recent reminiscing, he didn't feel safe with his own thoughts. Not near Nace.

If he closed his eyes, he could almost replace the sound of silence in a car for silent prayers in a church, where it felt like everyone was barely breathing as they went over a prayer.

He shivered, even if it wasn't from the cold at all.As if he heard his thoughts, Nace finally spoke, breaking the silence.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Jan began peeling his nailpolish again. There were only a few spots left on his thumb. He'd need to repaint them tomorrow.

"Shoot, I guess.”

Nace drummed his fingers on the wheel. Was he hesitating? Or did he not expect Jan to actually agree?

"Why do you only pain nails on one hand?"

Jan blinked at him and then burst out laughing. It caused his head to pound even worse, but he didn't care. Out of everything he could ask, Nace asked that? He really was ridiculous.

"Wow. And here I expected something deep and profound," Jan said, wiping the corners of his eyes.

Nace rolled his eyes.

"That's for question two."

Jan rolled his shoulder, forcing them to relax. Kris always said he held too much tension in them. Like he had any room to talk.

"I bite my nails. Nail polish helps, but I am also awful at painting them with my left hand. So, I am saving the left one at least."

Nace hummed thoughtfully. Jan braced himself for another question.

"How do you feel about religion?"

He winced at the question, although he supposed he dug that grave for himself when he asked Nace about that just minutes ago.

Still, his answer came raw and unbidden and entirely too honest.

"I think it's bullshit. I think religion is a way to control people and make them think and behave in a way that benefits the church and people who are already what they consider 'exactly as they should be'. It's-horrifying, how they take people who are scared or loss or just vulnerable and use fear of eternal damnation to control them."

Nace was silent. Jan was fuming, years of swallowed rage suddenly bubbling up.

"I also hate the way they make them fear anything different. And if God forbid, you are different they make you scared if yourself. Of things you like, of things you want. So my opinion on religion is that it should be fucking banned."

He was breathing heavily, like he just ran a marathon. Too emotional, he criticized himself, you showed that you care too much.

"I'm sorry you had such an awful experience with religion."

Jan laughed bitterly.

"So you are saying there are different experiences? For people like me?"

A beat passed. Two beats. Then-

"People like us."

He bit his tongue. Surely not people like them, if Nace still followed the faith that hated them. Surely not people like them, when Nace still wanted to find his soulmate and tighten the final knot on Jan's noose.

"I understand where you are coming from with this. I really do. Many people do automatically reject anything that they found odd. We are all scared if the unknown and sometimes the church-and by extension religion, gives them a place to stay safe in. And people take that place and misuse it. You cannot stay safe all the time. You have to take a step into the unknown sometimes or you will never learn anything new."

Red light pained Nace's features in almost a menacing manner. Like he was a devil, tempting him to see things from his perspective.

Except instead of tempting him to sin, he was tempting him to reconsider things he made up his mind on years ago.

"So, what? I should just accept and obey a religion that hates me?"

Jan was biting nails of his right hand now. They were already way too short and it was likely he'd draw blood, but he didn't care.

"Of course not. But there are asshole people everywhere. Do you not watch sports because there are bigots? I am not saying you have to do anything, I am just saying you'd have to discard almost anything by that logic. I mean, personally, religion is more private for me, anyway. Sure, a mass in the church can be nice, but true prayer you do alone. Not because you are forced, but because you find comfort in it. That’s what it’s supposed to be like.”

It felt as if Nace hit him on the head with a hammer. Jan tasted copper as he bit of a part of his nail with too much force.

"That's not the same! And just because it works that way for you, doesn’t mean that’s how the overall system works!”

Nace shrugged.

"I never said it was. I am just trying to tell you that people can have different experiences. And how isn't it the same? No one can eternally damn you for liking men if you don't let them. You are the only one damning yourself."

Jan slapped his hands over his ear. His head hurt and he was shaking with anger and childlike helplessness. He didn't want to hear it.

"Shut up!"

He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't. Especially not in front of Nace. Especially not in front of goddamn soulmate he was cursed fo have.

He didn't realize Nace parked the car. Not until he touched him and Jan recoiled from him like from a live wire.

"Jan, I'm sorry, I was just trying to explain my perspective."

Jan shook his head, almost violently. He didn't want to listen anymore. He felt too warm. He pulled his hair up, trying to elevate some of the heat from his neck. He turned his face away as he felt the tears bubble up.

Nace's gasp brought him out of his haze. That and him lightly touching right behind his right ear. Exactly where his soulmark burned like a brand. Well it did, up until Nace touched it and then the burning stopped, as if soothed by his touch. Jan unconsciously leaned into the touch for a moment, until his brain registered what was happening.

He jerked away once again, his panicked eyes meeting Nace's shocked ones.

"Your mark. It matches-"

Jan did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed his phone, unbuckled his belt and made a run for it. He stumbled a bit, but blind panic and adrenaline kicked in.

He heard Nace calling his name but he didn't turn. He was close enough to Kris' building to know the way, even through the tears and the haze of alcohol.

His muscles burned and he was panting by the time he reached Kris' door. Then he rang the doorbell and insistently knocked.

It took about a minute before Kris opened the door, clearly half asleep and in his pajamas. As soon as he saw the state Jan was in, he went pale.

"Jan? What happened? Are you okay?"

Tears came unbidden then and he half stumbled into his best friend. Kris barely managed to hold him upright and close the door behind them.

"I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, he knows. He knows, Kris. I need to call Matej to remove the soulmark as soon as possible. I need to-"

"Hey, hey, hey. Breathe. I got you."

Jan sobbed into his chest. He wasn't sure when was the last time he cried in front of someone like this. He cried for all the times he didn't. He cried for his younger self and the unfairness of fate.

Maybe if he and Nace met earlier, they could have stood a chance. Before Jan became the way he was. While he could still return Nace's feelings.

Kris managed to maneuver them to the living room and sat them both down on the couch. He didn't even complain about Jan not taking his shoes off. He just held him tightly until Jan's tears stopped.

God, was his head pounding. He felt thirsty, too. But too tired to get up.

"I'll get you some water."

How did Kris always manage to know what Jan needed? How did he keep saving him, over and over?

Kris handed him the glass of water and didn't say anything until he stopped drinking. Only when Jan put the empty glass on the table did he speak.

"What was that about Matej and removing your soulmark?"

Jan was so tired. Too tired to lie, or brush him off. Truth spilled from his lips easily.

"He knows someone who got their soulmark removed. And with that the connection. I asked him to do it, but he said I have to wait six months. But now, surely he'll realize I have to do it sooner. Now that Nace knows I-I can't."

Kris took in a sharp breath. His face had gone pale and he stared at Jan with an almost betrayed expression.

"You-you can't. Jan that's not something you can decide on your own! Nace will be affected too!"

For the second time that night, Jan covered his ears.

"I don't care, I don't care, stop it! Can everyone just fucking stop?!"

His friend stared at him in shock. Jan tried to recall if he ever had such a breakdown. The closest must have been after he cut contact with his family. And even then, it was simply a few controlled tears.

This wasn't controlled in any way. Jan felt so far away from any sort of sense and control it scared him, but he just couldn't stop it.

Kris hugged him again, and it felt almost as if he was trying to protect him. To shield him from his own pain.

"I kept hearing the church bells when I couldn't sleep. Like they were taunting me. And my father keeps trying to send me messages and I-I feel like I am going mad, Kris. I tried to be his friend but I can't be anything else."

Kris' hands tightened against him. He slowly breathed out.

“Let’s leave this discussion for tomorrow, okay? Just…breathe. Try to fall asleep. I got you.”

Jan was tired. And with how warm he suddenly was, he felt almost drowsy. Kris slowly pulled away and then unlaced his boots. Then once he removed them, he pushed Jan to lie down and covered him with a blanket.

It was far from the first time Jan slept on Kris couch, so he let himself sink into the familiar cushion. Kris rummaged around a bit, but Jan closed his eyes, uncaring about what exactly he did.

Only when the lights turned off and he left him alone did Jan began to drift to sleep. At the back of his mind, something was nagging him. Like there was an unfamiliar scent among all the familiar ones.

It wouldn't be until the morning that he noticed Nace's scarf still wrapped around his neck.

#jance #joker out #my writing #inertia

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