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nightcoremoon · 5 years

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ok so let's talk twilight. girl meets vampire. girl falls in love with vampire. vampire falls in love with girl. girl and vampire start dating. evil vampire wants to eat girl. vampire kills evil vampire.

new moon. vampire leaves girl. girl gets depressed. girl rebounds with werewolf. werewolf wants to fuck girl. werewolf realizes he's the rebound. werewolf leaves girl. girl seemingly attempts suicide. vampire learns about this and attempts suicide. girl goes to tell him she's not dead. vampire king gives a warning.

eclipse. vampire and girl are back together. evil vampire girlfriend wants revenge. evil vampire girlfriend makes evil vampire army. vampires and werewolves kill evil vampire and army. vampire king gives another warning. vampire marries girl.

breaking dawn. vampire and girl get married. and fuck. girl gets pregnant. baby will kill girl. but abortion is ~evil~. girl dies and gets turned into vampire. werewolf wants to fuck the baby vampire. vampire king shows up to kill the baby. it was a big misunderstanding lol. happily ever after except for the people who died.

that's the gist of things for anyone who doesn't remember.

ok so there's two groups of people. team edward, people who are satisfied with the canon. team jacob, people who say "fuck that, girl should be with werewolf instead". and many people on team jacob proceed to say that team edward all condone pedophilia and stalking and other terrible things. fandom wars happened. and in the end, most people moved on.

...

but not me.

now, I wasn't an obsessed super fan. I thought the first book was boring as shit until the second half. it took me a month to read the first half and three days to read the second half. I read the entire second in literally one day. the entire third in like 3 days. and the entire fourth in like 5. I watched all the movies in theaters. but none of this was by choice. my mom and my several sisters basically made me, but it was okay I guess. personally my fandom progression started with final fantasy 12. it moved into eragon, death note, jak and daxter, avatar the last airbender, invader zim, tales of symphonia, a dash of harry potter, sly cooper, my little pony friendship is magic, dead space, red vs blue, twokinds, resident evil, etc. I'm not in the twilight fandom by choice, but I know all the lore and trivia so fuck it. I might as well be.

I'm team edward.

I know what you're thinking. "but he's 100 years old trying to fuck a teenager! he watched her sleep! he almost killed her drinking her blood! he made her suicidal and depressed! he was super jealous and possessive whenever jacob was around! he broke her bones when they had sex! he impregated her with a monster baby that killed her! HE IS TEH EVILEST EVAR!!1"

let's take this one piece at a time.

1- he didn't try to fuck her. she tried to fuck him. but he said not until she's a full grown adult capable of making her own decisions, and not until marriage ~because premarital sex is wrong~

2- yeah watching her sleep was a little creepy but we can attribute that to stephenie meyer thought it was romantic because she's a dumb white mormon cultist

3- he is a VAMPIRE, and not by choice. and it was either suck the poison out of bella or let her become a vampire. which he didn't want to happen because ~being a vampire sucks 🥁~ so yeah he saved her life. and he managed to not drain her dry and kill her even though her blood is so goddamn delicious because she's a fucking mary sue

4- he didn't make her suicidal and depressed by leaving the country so she didn't get in any life threatening situations like being around jasper who has the self control of a fat kid in a twinkie factory. bella just took the breakup really really badly, and if someone reacts badly to a breakup, it's on THEM, not the other person. saying any differently is, what's the word, toxic and clingy. her emotional instability for plot is just indicative of the author's inherent misogyny (which makes sense, as dumbass mormon cultists are rife with the stuff)

5- he was not jealous and possessive. JACOB was the one who was toxic, since "that cold one will TAKE MY BELLA AWAY FROM ME". jacob wanted bella for himself because he had a crush on her since they were kids, and it was a super unhealthy obsession. edward could read his thoughts and was pissed; consider his backstory in hearing potential rapists' thoughts and killing them. but edward couldn't kill jacob because he was bella's friend. nothing more, though, and jacob fumed in his nice guy fedora

6- again, edward is a VAMPIRE, and a horny bastard at that, because he is a gentleman and therefore probably was a virgin too. he even told bella countless times that it would happen but bella thought it was #WORTH to get some of that hot vampire dick. I guess she's into some super kinky shit. no wonder 50 shades of grey made sense as a twilight fanfiction. anyway, bella seems to have fully consented, otherwise she's the world's most unreliable narrator.

7- the monster baby plot arc was propaganda against female bodily autonomy because "teh babby haz a SOUL and abortion is MURDER even tho she'll LITERALLY DIE otherwise but hey backwoods redneck mormon values are more important than the lives of women, right? anyway, ironically enough, he respected her bodily autonomy by not fixing the mistake he didn't think could happen (uterus vampires can't get pregnant but dick vampires can get other people pregnant? NANI, THE FUCK???) because bella didn't consent to him killing the fetus that was literally breaking her bones from inside since ~abortion is wrooOOoong~

and now, counterpoint.

...and counter-counterpoint.

"edward groomed bella" edward's main focus when she was 16 was to not kill her and drink the delicious cherry fanta, and his main focus at 17 was to make sure she didn't die and that nobody else killed her and drank her delicious cherry fanta, and only when she was a full ass adult was he like "alright fine you wanna marry me sooooo bad here's ur fuckin diamond ring". yeah they made out but like, consider that a FUCKING MORMON WROTE THIS BOOK. one can't fault a character for the dumbassery of the author. that's why in this house we stan james potter. and besides, a few years ago whilst playing truth or dare I at 21 was dared to kiss a 17 year old and I did- granted I didn't know he was 17 at the time but that doesn't even matter because granted edward was a lot older than 21, but granted that doesn't even matter anyways because you know how many teenage girls would make out with oscar wilde, keanu reeves, chris evans, or danny devito jason momoa if they had the chance? I know I would have. it isn't necessarily sexual unless you want it to be. besides, the argument could be made that brain development stops when you become a vampire, considering their body stops developing too. technically edward had the brain and body of a 17 year old, he was just 17 for a long time. so any way you slice it, there are acceptable explanations justifying this in the magic fantasy land of what-ifs and JUST BAD WRITING.

we good?

now let's tackle jacob.

he demanded she "choose" him over edward. he was just as childish and petty as mike. oh, poor mike. he was just too dumb. SWM be like. anyway, he literally abandoned her, his friend, because she wouldn't fuck him, when she needed her best friend the most. because that's who jacob was to her. he was her best friend. she kinda ignored him because edward is smexy and it overpowered her tiny teenage girl brain, or at least that's the author's excuse (yay for internalized misogyny). when they were in the mountains and he was keeping her from dying of hypothermia edward literally had to ask him to stop thinking about fucking her. while she was unconscious. which is kinda rapey. and then to top it all off, he wanted to fuck her baby daughter. so jacob is literally every single thing people called edward. he is jealous, possessive, creepy, obsessed with bella, and a whole bunch of other stereotypes associated with brown skinned man wanting to fuck white skinned women.

...

oh dear god.

wow I can't believe that the white woman who took an existing native american tribe and rewrote their culture to fit her vampire love story for white girls to have a sexy ~exotic~ savage feral werewolf boy in the love triangle turned out to be a racist all along.

so ideally, jacob would be the ideal partner for bella. lore-wise as well. bella and jacob grow old together in their plain regular normal human lives (and hopefully bella's face doesn't get clawed off like sam and leah BIG OOF FOR THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE), edward and tanya get married like they were supposed to do all along and gallivant off and do vampire things, all that jazz. edward isn't creepy and weird, bella isn't a magic mary sue with a magic fucking jean grey mind shield, jacob isnt an asshole.

but after reading the books and the evidence provided, I cannot in good conscience be team jacob over team edward.

thank you for your time.

fuck stephenie meyer.

and fuck all the dudebros who dog on girls for liking twilight anyways, as if dudebros don't watch and consume shitty media all the time.

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callipygouscoulrophiliac · 7 years

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My OC's!!

(Before I start, I just wanted to warn you that these guys curse a bunch sometimes, and they make a few sexual references so if you don't like that, just don't read it.) FIRST OC!! (WARNING! MENTIONS RAPE, SO IF YOURE EASILY TRIGGERED BY THAT, I SUGGEST NOT READING THIS) Opal (Undertale/random OC) -girl -incredibly shy -unknown age -long brown hair (usually down, she doesn't like to "waste time styling it") -blue eyes -mostly human, but with wings (a guardian angel I guess) -can change her size (not like Jake from Adventure Time, she can just change her height) but she prefers to stay very short -Likes to make bad puns and dirty jokes -only has one outfit, (the outfit is magic and can change size with her, that's why she only has one)a blue hoodie, a red tee shirt, sweatpants, and slippers. -not athletic at all -asexual -if you piss her off enough, she will leave the whole "shy" thing behind and become a snappy, witty, sassy asshole that can basically win any argument with facts and shit -stuff about her past: she actually has a really abusive past. She doesn't like telling anyone about it, because she grew up in a very abusive "home" with a bunch of old guys that liked to get drunk a lot. The guys there would beat her a use her as a toy, even for sex . Because of this, she was never really comfortable with "doing the dance with no pants" again, and became asexual (no, she doesn't "reproduce like a plant" she just doesn't like doing the do ) . She could never do anything about it, because she's so week and didn't learn how to change her size until way later in life. She died, and was just thrown out of the place she lived into the streets. An angel found her, and saw that she had a pure heart of gold, revived her and gave her wings and all of her powers. She actually knows Gaster personally, because at some point she was kinda like his lab assistant. She stayed with him for like a week, but then he turned on her and tried to do horrible experiments on her because she told him about the whole "dying and coming back to life" thing. Ever since then, she's never trusted anyone. -random quote: "that's what she said! What? I can make dirty jokes too ya know." -Birthday: she doesn't actually remember, she was never told as a child. She doesn't even know how old she is. She just decides to celebrate the day that she escaped, which was June 14 (my birthday =D) (also, she only knows this because she saw a newspaper while looking for a place to stay) (heck yea i got most of her personality from Fluttershy, but that's just who she's a lot like) Next OC! Nopal (Opal's alternate self) -obviously a girl -very murderous -long and messy brown hair -red eyes (that's how you know it's her) -she has wings too, but instead of normal wings, they're bat wings (that's also how you know it's her) -she can also grow and shrink -can actually talk to Chara, and made friends with her -HATES jokes -She has the same outfit as Opal, except it's usually covered in blood. -she's also asexual, but is a huge flirt -she doesn't really have a past, she just kinda appeared when Opal left Gaster. She possessed her and made her kill everyone at the place Opal used to live. Ever since then, she's just been in Opal's mind, constantly insulting her and trying to get her to kill people again -Random quote: "hey Opal, why don't ya kill that dude? He looked at you weird. He might be a guy we missed from that place you grew up at" -she has shark teeth (if you didn't know, that means that her teeth are hella sharp) and likes to show them off by smiling a lot -she was created when Opal left Gaster, so I guess technically her birthday is on June 31st Next OC! Kasai or "fire" in Japanese ( random OC) -guy -sporty and a brat -23 -naturally his hair is blonde, but he dyed it dark red for unknown reasons (no, he's not Josh Dun) -green eyes -human -very short, and gets teased about it a lot -hates when people talk about his size -usually in a tank top and shorts, because he loves to workout -he's straight, but can never find a girl that's as athletic as him -owns a German Shepard named Flash, and loves to run and train with him. -his past: when he was 10, his mother was killed, and him and his father were left to die. they both swore to get revenge on the person that did it, but nobody knows who it was. All he remembered if that the person had a missing thumb on his left hand. Him and his dad have been training together ever since then, so that when they do find him, they can make him suffer -random quote: "fuck you I may be short but I can still kick your ass" -he can lift things that are up to 50% heavier than him (hot damn :0) -his birthday is on March 17th NEXT OC!! Kalia (random oc) -girl -kind of shy, but mostly out-going -20 years old -slightly long light brown hair -bluish-greenish eyes -4 feet, 11 inches (same dude) -she's so chill about everything, she has the power to make even the most stressed person calm, just by hugging them -she always wears a dark blue and black jacket, and keeps it halfway zipped with a light blue shirt underneath and she usually wears jeans or shorts and any random shoes (sometimes she even walks around with no shoes, and just mismatched socks) -she's straight, and is actually in a relationship with (the next OC) Josh -her biggest secret is that she makes dolls of everyone she meets, and has a secret room somewhere in her house that not even Josh knows about, where she keeps the dolls and a short summary of everyone. If someone that she has a doll of dies, she gives the doll of that person to someone that's very close to them, and tells them to never tell anybody about it. -her past: she lived a pretty normal life, with a mom and a dad, but when she went to school and met Josh, her entire life changed! Nah jk, this isn't a cheesy ass Young Adult Novel. Kalia just grew up as a normal, but really chill and quite kid. She's been best friends with Josh since third grade, he was the only person she talked to. When anyone ever made fun of her or was mean to her, he would come and beat their ass. After a while, they started to like each other. They're dating now, and both really want to, but they're both too scared to get married -random quote: "whoa calm down Joshie. You need a hug?" -Her birthday is on October 22nd NEXT OC!! Josh (random OC) -male (obviously) -oh jeez, where do I even start on his personalty? well, he's incredibly sexual for starters. he always tries (and mostly succeeds) to make Kalia blush. he's very kind, but also incredibly rude. it's hard to tell. -23 years old -short, messy brown hair -green eyes -human -6 feet, 2 inches -he doesn't really have any kind of special power. he's just a normal dude -he usually wears a black tee shirt, jeans, a jacket, and casual shoes. -bisexual -he gets in fights ALL THE TIME. like, not one week goes without a fight. it's pretty bad. -his biggest secret is that he doesn't actually have a job, but instead he wins money by going to illegal bot fights. he wins almost every time. also, he's secretly played all of Huniepop -his past is basically the same as Kalia's, but he was a little more aggressive. he met Kalia, and she helped him with his anger issues. -random quote: "hey can you take your shirt off? i wanna see how an angel hides its wings~" -random fact: once made a robot named George and accidentally gave him too much personality, it didn't want to fight so it ran away and no one knows where -birthday: the 12th of April NEXT OC! Flash (yes I'm telling you about Kasai's dog) -male -happy, upbeat, and full of energy -no one actually knows his age, all they know is that he's way older than any normal dog, and will probably live for a very long time -when you think of a German Shepard, you usually think of a big dog, with light brown fur, and a big black spot on their back & snout. Well, he's a little different. He still has the same colors, but they're reversed. Most of his fur is black, and he has a light brown spot on his back and snout. Also, his chest is colored to where it has a design on it. It's completely natural, and it's actually how he got his name. Yup, you guessed it. It's a lightning bolt. But not just any old simple Harry Potter's forehead Z looking thing, it looks like an actual real life lightning bolt, cloud and all. It's pretty fucking cool. -dark green eyes -he's a really big dog. Like, almost like a Great Dane. He's a beast! -he wears underwear. He literally walks around in underwear and he doesn't even care. Basically, a long ass time ago, Kasai said that it was "unfair that he could walk around with his dick hanging free all the time and no body yells at him" so his dad suggested that he put underwear on him. So now, he wears underwear all the time. He's not even bothered by it. Birthday: no one knows XD NEXT OC!! Hannah (Undertale OC) -Female -she's like, all about fashion and popularity. Because of this, she's best friends with Mettaton. -22 years old -really long blonde hair -hazel eyes -part mermaid, but only when she gets in the water -5 feet 3 inches -she changes her outfit like every five minutes, but when she does, it's usually something really bright and sparkly -straight -her biggest secret is that sometimes, when no one's around, she walks around her house either completely naked or in really baggy clothes that are really unfashionable, but hey, she walks around in all that itchy uncomfortable stuff all the time so it's nice to let loose sometimes. -her past: she grew up at home with her rich parents, but unlike most stereotypical rich people, they were all actually really nice and generous. They donate to charity as often as possible, and give homeless people money. She decided to move out when she was 20, but only because she was sick of her parents waking her up really early in the morning with loud "old people" music. -random quote: "oh my goodness Opal you're hair is a MESS! Come here darling, I'll fix it for you" -random fact: absolutely LOVES Opal and Kalia's hair. Both of they're hair is know for being soft and long, so it's really fun to play with a style. Next OC!! Mike (random OC) -transgender (not a male or female, but leans slightly more to the female side) -sass master 3000. Literally you can't get in a fight with this person, they're so sassy you'll be dead halfway through the argument (it's hilarious when and Opal get into a fight with them) -shoulder length jet black hair -green eyes -again, sass master 3000. They can win ANY argument, no matter what it's about. -5 feet -they likes to get fashion advice from Hannah -bisexual -biggest secret: has actually seriously considered killing his parents. He told Opal, and was really surprised when she said "oh don't worry I understand, I killed mine." But then she explained her backstory, and even if she had a serious reason for doing it, she's regretted it every single day of her life and if she could, she would go back in time and try to stop herself. -past: they grew up pretty normally, until they came out as trans. They're parents yelled at them, saying that they were born a guy and they were gonna stay that way. none of his 'friends' supported him, until they met Opal. She completely understood why they didn't wanna be a guy, with her being a feminist (and you know damn well why). They became fast friends, and later met Kalia, Josh, Hannah, and Kasai. They live in Opal's house now, and she really doesn't mind that they can't pay a lot (no good jobs would accept them because they're trans. It really sucks) -random quote: "the day I have a gender is they day Opal dies. Get it? Cause she's an immortal angel? Haha I'm sorry." -random fact: they don't usually like being so sassy, and usually apologizes after, but it's just kinda natural. Welp, there you have it. I promise, this is the last of them! Here they all are, so really, if you wanna leave an ask or dare or drawing, I would love it. Thanks!

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