#i want to trick some mormons into giving me a free book of mormon

[roscoe-me-and-this-fuckin-kid]

My Ryden Recs

not in any particular order

The Heart Rate of a Mouse Series (11/10)

~513k words

Ryan "Heterosexual" Ross and his incredibly popular prog rock band, The Followers, start their summer tour for their new hit album "Boneless" in June of 1974. However, Ryan begins to take a shine to their new roadie, the ever mysterious Brendon No-Last-Name-Given, who dodges questions about his past and flaunts his flamboyant homosexuality. After an assault by a member of the supporting act, Brendon and Ryan get their payback, and begin to bond. But much to Ryan's confusion and alarm, he starts to want something he can't let himself have, starts to feel something he can't let himself feel.

--Okay I kinda lied. This list is in no particular order EXCEPT for this one. This one is the best. Anna Green owns my ass. I'm not someone who's picky about first vs third person, but if you are, then just this once throw that out the window and read this utter masterpiece. Ryan's character development throughout is so touching, but my god he fucks up a lot. One of my friends who has gone through the process of buying the physical copies and annotating them says that Ryan majorly fucks up over 50 times. Emotional rollercoaster straight ahead!--

Freaks (7/10)

~45k words

Ryan's face was permanently disfigured when he was 12 years old, and since then, the only person who has ever stood by his side is his best friend Spencer. After earning the nickname "Freak" in high school, he finally accepts that nobody will ever want him, or ever treat him normally again. But after an accident that lands him temporarily in the hospital, he meets Brendon. They get along great, and Ryan begins to fall in love. One small problem though:

Brendon had been recently blinded. Neither of them know if it's permanent, and Ryan is sure that if Brendon knew about his face, he would leave him forever.

--I really liked this one. It makes you sit on edge and every single time you think that Ryan will finally confess and tell the truth, he blue balls you like an asshole. This story is so sad and so sweet, I definitely recommend. Also, there's some background Joncer, which is really cute. Definitely a worthy read if you're looking for some angsty fluff. Oh, and a little aside: the author, spazzyskittles on LJ, actually beta-ed a lot of Anna Green's Ryden fics, including THROAM! So do with that what you will ;)--

The Red Eyed Owl Series (10/10)

~403k words

As one of the best players of one of the best National Hockey League teams, the Chicago Hounds, Ryan Ross has everything he could ever want. Young, famous, and free to do whatever he damn well pleases, the world either wants him or wants to be him. But after a leg injury that could potentially ruin his career, Ryan begins to realise that perhaps he doesn't have everything. Perhaps some things can mean so much more than women throwing themselves at you every chance they get and receiving bottomless drinks at sports bars. Perhaps he could fall in love.

--This was actually recommended to me by @wandering-verses and it was 100% worth the read. I broke out crying in the middle of class during the second book, and I cried again at 3 am when I stayed up all night to finish it. It's one of those that fucks you up so bad that you can't read anything else for a little while after finishing. Now, both the authors are from Spain, so English isn't their native tongue, but it's so well written that I probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't read the notes at the very beginning. An all time Ryden fave.--

Missing In Action (10/10)

~204k words

In where the American Civil War goes differently, the nation once known as the United States of America is instead separated into two: DURA and Beauregia. The latter didn't change much in terms of their economy. Slavery is still legal, and the kingdom is ruled under a tight, Christian monarchy. Their king is Boyd Beauregard. His only son, crown Prince Brendon Beauregard, heir to the throne, resides in the highly respected Saint Francis' Academy. DURA on the other hand developed quickly, a democracy founded on new technology and equitable ideals.

Everyday, bipartisanship seems farther away from grasp, and DURA, realising that cooperation is impossible, creates the DURA investigative bureau. Identifying the crown prince as the Royal Family's weakest link, they realise that he could become an infinitely invaluable asset to them. Agent Ross, under the pseudonym "Ryan Hastings", is chosen to go undercover, enroll in Saint Francis' boarding school, infiltrate the Prince's friend group, and gain his trust by any means necessary.

--I'm ashamed to admit that I let this one pass me by for a while. I read the words "American Civil War" and I automatically assumed that this would be a mid 1800's Civil War fic about closeted gay soilders, and I'm not against that, but the premise didn't really interest me. But once I finally caved and started reading, I quickly realised not only was the premise entirely different, but it was really fuckin' good. Read this!!!!--

Esoteric Contagion (8/10)

~18k words

He wakes up with a note stuck to his forehead that reads, “You traded your memory in a spell. It was worth it.” The note is signed George Ross. He wonders if that’s his name.

In which things are lost and gained and remembered and forgotten, in that order.

--Despite being the shortest on this list, I loved it to death. You will cry so hard, I promise. This story is so sad. The author can deal so many shocking blows in less than 20,000 words, and you will be completely invested. I don't want to spoil anything, but it's massively underrated, and it will fuck you up.--

Two Vatos Locos Series (7/10)

~311k words

When you have your first dream with your soulmate, everything changes. But after years and years of watching all his friends have their dreams and fall in love, Ryan started to wonder if he would ever has his dream. At twenty, Ryan started to get desperate. He went to doctors, therapists, even a fucking palm reader. No one could tell him what was wrong with him. There was only one explanation: his soulmate had to be dead.

Ryan spent endless hours laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, begging, wishing, praying to have his dream and meet his soulmate. One day, with blood gushing down his face and vomit coating his tongue, his prayers were finally answered.

And now, as he stares at this scared, helpless boy, with bloodied rope burns around his wrists and tears staining his cheeks, he wishes that they never were.

--The title "Dos Vatos Locos Lleno de Carnalismo y Inamorates" roughly translates to "Two Crazy Dudes Full of Carnality and Infatuation," which is definitely accurate. I did enjoy this fic; it was cute, sad, and very interesting, but if you are interested in reading, you will need to be patient at times. Some passages seem like filler and the writing in a few places is kinda dry or cringey. But it's still overall a good story though. WARNING: Brendon is underage for most of this fic, but nothing sexual happens until he is of age.--

The Way Home From Nowhere Series (9/10)

~158k words

After his parents find out about his relationship with another boy, Brendon Urie makes a snap decision to flee from his abusive home. After a quick makeover to hide his identity, he decides to thumb a ride. He starts living the life he never even dreamed he could. Talking openly about things like sex, condoms, and homosexuality- he's happier then he's ever been.

There's one problem though.

His new roommates, Ryan and Spencer, have no idea that he is the missing Mormon boy from the nearby town of Summerlin.

--Ladies and gents, welcome to my first ever Ryden fic! This will always be a favourite of mine. Both Brendon's arc and Ryan's are are so heartbreaking, and there were so many times that I wanted to reach into the story and give Dallon a hug. So many tragedies in this story, and not all of them solved. I don't have any empathy for Brendon's parents in this story, but I feel so hard for his siblings, and for Marc. I just wish they knew. This story is so heartbreaking and yet so happy. Will play with your emotions like they're a shiny new toy.--

Filthy Lucre (10/10)

~362k words

Ryan Ross is living the American wet dream. He’s rich, he’s good looking, he gets paid just to turn up at parties and he spends his days drinking, doing drugs and climbing into bed with eager and willing boys and girls. His parents and PA beg him to quit, and his brother turns up his noise at his destructive lifestyle, but Ryan is desperate to sink into the void, escape the memories of what his father's friend did to him when he was fifteen.

Brendon Urie is a man bordering on desperation. He whores himself out to millionaire bankers and CEOs to fund his boyfriend's heroin addiction and pay off his ungrateful father's medical bills. Things could be worse, though. He's lucky enough to have a roof over his head, to be living with the love of his life, to no longer have to hook on the street, but instead be privileged enough to turn tricks in the wealthy circles of Wall Street and Goldman Sachs.

Where a broken boy meets another broken boy, and falls in love.

--Normally, I would never recommend an unfinished fic, let alone fic that hasn't been updated in four years, unless it was it was so good and so engaging that it made me literally scream. Trust me when I say that you have not experienced true hatred until you read this fic. I have literally never hated a character more in my entire life, and I know who Dolores Umbridge is, for reference. The best thing about this fic, in my opinion, is that the characters, whether good guys or bad guys, do evil. And they do it on purpose. Because the characters feel and act as though they're real, and real people fucking suck.--

The Black Rose Season (8/10)

~158k words

Ryan Ross' life is essentially over when his scholarship is inexplicably cancelled and he will be forced to pay his way through school. As a young, broke college student, Ryan is desperate to find cash fast, but to no avail. Just when he thinks all hope is lost, a mysterious benefactor promises to pay his tuition in full, on one condition: Ryan is infiltrate Sigma Chi Beta, the most prestigious and cultish fraternity that Swan University has to offer. And if, by some miracle, Ryan succeeds, his mission is clear:

Befriend Brendon Urie, fellow Swan Sigma, and, more importantly, alleged leader of Sigma Chi Beta's secret society, which might not even exist. He is to document his findings, and send them to his benefactor. One small problem though: Brendon fucking hates his guts.

--Did I mention that Anna Green owns my ass? Because Anna Green owns my ass. This one is so fleshed out, and there are some moments where it really spikes you in the chest. Every time that Patrick comes onto the page, my interest piques, and I remember That One Scene™ that completely changed my perspective of him (You'll understand once you read). Besides... college AU? Secret societies? Betrayal? Enemies to lovers? Sexual tension? Need I say more?--

I have more fics to recommend if you guys like this list, so tell me if you want more fic recs

#ryden fanfiction #ryden fanfic #ryden fic #ryden recs #panic! at the disco #panic at the disco #rydon #ryden #p!atd #patd #fanfiction #fanfic #p!atd fanfic #throam #the heart rate of a mouse #two vatos locos #missing in action #the black rose season #esoteric contagion #freaks #the red eyed owl #filthy lucre #the way home from nowhere #ryan ross #brendon urie #ryro #beebo #brendon patd #ryan patd #fall out boy

[under-the-lake]

Crimes of Grindelwald:  The Phoenix, the Blood Pact and the Skull -  More Questions than Answers

When watching Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (in Newt’s Suitcase) - The Crimes of Grindelwald, many questions arise, first of which is WHERE ARE THE CRIMES? Grindelwald doesn’t really commit any crime in this film, apart from a couple of murders, which, given Grindelwald’s record, can be considered trifles. Unanswered question as of yet.

Many things happening in the film seem to make no or not much sense:

1. What about this mess during Grindelwald’s escape? - What about the blood pact?

2. The For-The-Greater-Good- Narghile-Projector-Skull, 1898

3. Is Credence really a Dumbledore?

4. McGonagall cannot have been teaching at Hogwarts in 1927. In Order of the Phoenix, she says she’s been teaching at Hogwarts for 39 years. And OoP is roughly 70 years after CoG...

I won’t develop more than the first two points. I guess there’s not enough evidence for or against the Credence is a real Dumbledore thingy to make a fair point, yet there are a lot of theories out on the web. And the last point, well, it speaks for itself. So either Production and Rowling changed the canon, which means reprint books with the right dates and review all the data about McGonagall, or admit the film bit with her is crap. Plus she’s so much out of character that it’s just a joke anyway.

1. Grindelwald’s Escape Mess and the Blood Pact Business 

When I watched the beginning of the film, it made no sense to me. Unless, as it dawned on me right after it, Abernathy and Grindelwald had already swapped bodies before the transfer took place, and Abernathy would be the one in the carriage, the Grindelwald without a tongue. SWAPPED BODIES. Yeh. Not used Polyjuice Potion, but actually Transfigured into the other. We know that Grindelwald is a fearfully skilled bloke, but that’s something we haven’t seen yet. I mean he spent a lot of time as Percival Graves, but that was only Transfiguring himself. 

Anyway, had the plan not backfired, Grindelwald would be free and Abernathy would have been tried in London and probably sent to Azkaban since the UK Wizarding Community has no death penalty. Still, that would have given Grindelwald the freedom to act in the shadows and eventually reach his goal, changing the script rather thoroughly.

Now why didn’t this trick work? Why did Grindelwald have to get inside the carriage eventually? Because of the Bloody Blood Pact.

What is a blood pact?

A blood pact, or blood oath, is an agreement between the parties that is traditionally sealed with a mixing of blood from all who take the oath. It sometimes involves spilling the blood, or drinking it. It can also be a more allegorical description of an oath. The most common is blood-brotherhood, or any kind of pact of non-agression and boundless loyalty between parties. According to some academic sources, blood pacts have been considered from the 12th century onwards as satanic, or primitive and non Christian (what a surprise), thus helping the building of the construct of the barbarian in the Middle Ages. And besides, that makes me smile because what else is the foundation of Christian religion but a blood pact of sorts between Jesus getting crucified and his followers? Pact which is, moreover, re-enacted during every mass by Catholics?

History has many instances of blood pacts recorded. One of them is part of Hungarian history, when the heads of seven tribes swore a blood oath to one amongst them, thus acknowledging him as their leader. It was around 830 AD. The blood was kept in a vessel.

I read that in East Africa, among the Maasai, blood oaths were made to form blood brotherhood, and they meant that no harm could be done among the brothers. That is rather close to what Dumbledore and Grindelwald made. 

In early Mongolia and China, blood brotherhood was seen as something more intertribal than individual. Whole societies were bound together by the oath of two people. It is said that Genghis Khan’s dad was blood brother with his friend, and that the young Genghis Khan himself, when he was still called Temujin, had a sworn brother since childhood.

Some historical events also happened with a ‘blood oath’ that was only so called because of its seriousness, but not involving any real bloodshed. For instance, in 1842, Joseph Smith instituted the endowment ritual in Nauvoo, Illinois, USA. It was later known as the penalty, in Mormonism, and the words and gestures were removed from the rituals in 1990. Critics call it a blood oath because of the words of the actual oath, that speak of bloodshed (like cutting the throat). Similar vows are found in Freemasonry at the beginning of the 19th century.

This side of the Pond, Norsemen used blood oaths to become foster-brothers. That happens for instance in the Icelandic story of Gisli the Outlaw, where the taking of the oath is described in detail. The four men in the story end up not carrying on. They do shed blood on turf together, but at the moment of tying hands, withdraw. Blood-brotherhood is something rather common in Norse mythology too. For example, Loki and Thor are said to have shared blood in the days of old, which is one of the reasons why Loki would be tolerated at all by the Gods.

So apparently, Grindelwald and Dumbledore did something of the like, and they also did, as some cultures would have done  keep the blood in a vessel (and that would include the Holy Grail... no comment) .

Why did Grindelwald need a blood pact in the first place and why is it he who keeps it and not Dumbledore?

Theories are flooding the wizarding network. One of them is that Grindelwald was nice and happy when he came to visit his auntie in Godric’s Hollow (see pic; from https://www.pottermore.com/features/the-life-and-times-of-albus-dumbledore). Come on, folks. He was already gathering followers in Durmstrang, was expelled for using Dark Magic and was already in quest of the Hallows. I personally think that Grindelwald never was caring and affectionate towards Dumbledore, but always the manipulative, ambitious and unscrupulous bloke we know. A former Voldermort, without Horcruxes. 

Second thing. According to Rowling, Grindelwald was a Seer. Remember that letter in Rita Skeeter’s The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore ? Here it is:

Gellert-

 Your point about wizard dominance being FOR THE MUGGLE’S OWN GOOD - this, I think, is the crucial point. Yes, we have been given power and, yes, that power gives us the right to rule, but it also gives us responsibilities over the rules. We must stress this point, it will be the foundation stone upon which we build. Where we are opposed, as we surely will be, this must be the basis of all our counter-arguments. We seize control FOR THE GREATER GOOD. And from this follows that we meet resistance, we must see only the force that is necessary and no more. (This was your mistake at Durmstrang! But I do not complain, because if you had not been expelled, we would never have met.)

Albus

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, chapter 18, pp. 395-396

Well. Here’s a theory based on this: How come Grindelwald went to meet Dumbledore just after the latter graduated from Hogwarts? How come he suddenly discovered Bathilda was family? Bathilda who lived across the road from the Dumbledores in Godric’s Hollow. If Grindelwald was a Seer, he might have Seen that Dumbledore was the man to thwart him in the future. He might also have Seen this letter. So would he want to finish his education in Durmstrang or get to the man who was to be his downfall but who was to fall in love with him? The other most powerful wizard of his generation? Maybe Grindelwald actually got himself expelled intentionally, to be free. I argue it’s Grindelwald’s ambition, fear and cunning that drove him to Godric’s Hollow, that he never had the slightest bit of positive feeling towards Dumbledore, and that he came intentionally to find a way to keep Dumbledore out of his way: the Blood Pact. 

BUT. Love is one of the main themes in Rowling’s wizarding world. Love as a means of protection. I therefore argue that the Blood Pact is NOT the thing that actually prevents the two men from fighting each other. It would only work as a magical artifact if both wizards’ intentions were pure and positive. So Grindelwald used Dumbledore as a weapon against Dumbledore himself. His love for Grindelwald is the thing that prevents Dumbledore from attacking, not the Pact. I think the pact acts like a Prophecy: it only works because one makes it work. So Grindelwald relies on Dumbledore’s love as a protection. Dumbledore was completely besotted with Grindelwald and Grindelwald used that as much as he could. That is also why Grindelwald had to keep the Pact and not Dumbledore: because it had no affective value for him, and he most certainly would not seek to destroy it, whilst Dumbledore might, once he realised he had been manipulated. That might also account for the pretty thorough bit of thinking that Dumbledore must have made about Love and about Prophecies… and that he shares with Harry in Half-Blood Prince, for instance.

So basically the Pact is Grindelwald’s ultimate protection against Dumbledore because Dumbledore loves Grindelwald. All right. Now how come, if that is the case, that by the end of the film Grindelwald hasn’t noticed that the thing had disappeared (remember, Newt’s Niffler nicked it during the Père Lachaise rally)? He was so keen on getting it back at the beginning, in the flooded carriage… I mean normal people would check their possessions after a meeting like the Père Lachaise one. Moreover, I don’t think that they only just arrived in Nurmengard when the final scene takes place. So why not worry about the Pact? Is the feeling of completion of having Credence finally in his grip so overwhelming that the pact is forgotten? A bit like Voldy doesn’t feel it when the first Horcruxes are destroyed?

I’m also curious about how the Pact is going to be destroyed and why it does take another 18 years. Provided it is destroyed. Fighting without destroying the Pact might get us back to the Dumbledore-Aberforth-Grindelwald duel that resulted in the death of Ariana. I don’t think any of the three wizards killed her, but her death might have impressed upon Dumbledore the power of Grindelwald, his unscrupulousness, and the might of the Pact as an obstacle to their confrontation.

2. The For-The-Greater-Good-Narghile-Projector-Skull, 1898

My first impression on seeing this skull in the hands of Grindelwald’s assistant Rosier made me think of a Muggle magic show. Impress people, show them stuff they don’t or can’t grasp. Lure them. Pure Grindelwald. Pure any dictator.

The Skull is a human one, without the lower jaw. It is engraved with Grindelwald’s symbol, the double G that reminds me so much of a swastika. It also has a date, 1898, and a German inscription: ‘Für das Größere Wohl’, which translates to ‘For the Greater Good’, and which is supposedly Grindelwald’s motto. It was also used by Dumbledore in that letter he sent his ‘friend’ in 1899 when they met in Godric’s Hollow (see above). People all over the internet tend to say Dumbledore invented the phrase. Well he did not. It was coined way earlier, and for instance it was used by Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832) who was a British jurist, philosopher and advocate of utilitarianism and animal rights. In the ideological duel that opposed Dumbledore and Grindelwald, using a phrase from utilitarianism is full of sense. Utilitarianism is a moral theory that explores the ethical reasons of action. An action can be morally acceptable or not, depending on its consequences. In our situation it’s the debate about why wizardkind should rule the Muggles. The reason for seizing power is different in both men. Dumbledore has positive ideas, Grindelwald thinks domination.

Many theories are out in the wild about the date on the skull. 1898 is one year before Grindelwald and Dumbledore met. If we stick to the idea that Grindelwald had a vision of the letter mentioned above, then he could have taken the phrase from there to use it and lure Dumbledore. He might also have simply come across it, but he doesn’t seem to me like someone who’d delve into philosophy books, nor care about what people thought. Using the quote is proof he’s manipulating people around him, for sure, and maybe he used the letter, maybe not. 

The weirdest bit to me is the narghile-projector. The Skull appears to be an object used by Grindelwald to project his visions so that other people can see them. A bit like a Pensieve, but with the show-off factor. The thoughts are actually blown into it via the mouth, whilst in the Pensieve, it is quite rational that they would come from the head and not the lungs. They are blown through a hose that is actually connected to the back of the skull, not the Foramen Magnum (the hole where the spinal marrow reaches the brain and only hole sizeable enough in a skull, apart from the eyes, nasal cavities and mouth). So I guess the skull was damaged to attach the hose. I mention this because it’s again showing how much respect Grindelwald has for anything. 

Grindelwald is a Seer, according to Rowling. So when he projects images of WW2 during his meeting in the Lestrange Vault in the Cimetière du Père Lachaise, he’s actually using this incredibly powerful way to get people to rally his cause: fear. Using the threat of a second war after peoples having barely recovered from the first, and economy being on the brink of implosion, is a very cunning move. Fear has always been the main vehicles of the rise to power of dictators. They need to be feared because the usually fear everyone. I won’t be analysing this too much here, because I’m planning another paper about that very issue.

To summarise, we can simply say the Skull is a way to show off and intimidate people. Next to that, even Circus Arcanus is schoolyard stuff.

3. The Phoenix

I’m not willing to discuss weather Credence is Aurelius and where he would be from. I don’t reckon there is enough evidence to make a point. However, I want to have a look into the phoenix, as a bird.

Let’s start with basics for beginners: Newt’s book. It is said that the Phoenix is the only creature that Newt might not have encountered on his travels. Might be he saw one in Dumbledore’s office, who knows when he got Fawkes. Ministry of Magic rating for the Phoenix is XXXX, which is ‘dangerous’. A footnote in the book mentions that the rating is not due to the fact the bird would be dangerous, which it is not, but to the fact that few wizards are known who have tamed one. According to Scamander, Phoenixes are found in Egypt, China and India, are peaceful and gentle, and have never been known to kill. They eat only herbs. 

The most notable fact about Phoenixes is their capacity to die by bursting into flames and regenerate from their own ashes, their ability to disappear and reappear at will (a power they share with Diricawls), and the fact that their tears have extraordinary healing powers, and can act against venoms as potent as Basilisk’s. Oh. Phoenix songs are magical too: they give the pure of heart courage and increases the fear of the impure.

Scamander’s allegations about Phoenixes being found in Egypt are confirmed by Muggle archaeology: Egyptians in Heliopolis worshipped a solar heron-like bird called Bennu (see picture above), but the information about this bird is scarce and subject to much controversy. The Chinese culture has a phoenix too, indeed, who is called fènghuáng. It shares some characteristics with our European phoenix. In China, its qualities are, besides being the female part of the dragon-phoenix yin-yang duo (see picture below), symbols of fire, the sun, justice, obedience, and fidelity. Remember Dumbledore speaking about Fawkes? ‘He’s really very handsome most of the time: wonderful red and gold plumage. Fascinating creatures, phoenixes. They can carry immensely heavy loads, their tears have healing powers and they make highly faithful pets.’ (Chamber of Secrets, chapter 12, p.225). Faithfulness going to the point that if someone is faithful enough to their master, they can help them out of tricky situations, as we saw in Chamber of Secrets. 

Other cultures have phoenixes or phoenix-like birds: the Russians have the Firebird, the Japansese the Hō-ō, northern America the Thunderbird from Native American traditions (and Newt’s book). The Native American Thunderbird is part of the North West Coast (pic below, from https://pnsn.org/outreach/native-american-stories/thunderbird-and-whale/thunderbird-and-whale-stories/list-of-stories ) and Midwest Plain cultures, and has different statuses in each region. However, the notions of power, protection and strength are common to all. For instance, in Algonquian culture, the Thunderbird rules the upper world, while the earth part is the kingdom of the underwater panther or Great Horned Serpent (rings a bell? :P ). In Menominee culture, there is also this opposition between the Thunderbird and the Great Horned Serpent, but it is more of an actual manicheistic fight: the Thunderbird prevents the Great Serpent from overrunning the earth, and it controls rain and hail. However, in Menominee culture, Thunderbirds are the messengers of the Sun. So this draws a parallel with the Egyptian Bennu. Other cultures also feature the fight with the underwater spirits. In Ojibwe culture, for instance. They also state that the Thunderbird was created by Nanabozho especially for this purpose. Ok I think I’ll stop here and plan a paper about the Thunderbird. But what can be said is that somehow I feel like the Thunderbird is a sort of equivalent of our Eurasian Phoenix variations.

The phoenix is also an alchemical symbol. It symbolises the perfection of Quintessence (the fifth element, also called Ether). It also symbolises the Three Principles (Tria Prima: salt, mercury and sulphur, which relate to any triad in the world, like for instance energy, matter and entropy). Paracelsus adds that it refers to the fundamental matter, also called energy, dark energy, creative chaos, or the formless essence that defines all matter. Some authors go as far as saying that this means the phoenix is ‘the completely healed, perfected human being’, the one that has integrated himself so much that they don’t need their physical body anymore. All this talk about perfection and all that also means that eventually, phoenixes are related to the ultimate goals of Alchemy, which, in addition to healing and perfection, are the Elixir of Life and the Philosopher’s Stone… rings a bell?

Now all this makes Phoenixes quite special and, let’s face it, sort of the perfect birds for a bloke like Albus Dumbledore. Still. Why would phoenixes be the Dumbledores’ birds? In Crimes of Grindelwald, Dumbledore states that in their family, a phoenix will always appear to one who is in dire need of help. Why single Dumbledores out? And anyway, how and when did Fawkes come to Dumbledore? The only answer we have for sure about that last question is that it came before 1938 and was grown enough at that time to give two tail feathers to Ollivander to use as wand cores. As we know, one of them ended in Tom Riddle’s yew wand, which he got in 1938, and the other in Harry Potter’s holly wand. About the other questions, it’s a big ‘search me’. For the moment.

PS: Any comments, questions, critics or additional info welcome! :)

Online Sources

Blood pact:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magyar_tribes

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_oath_(Hungarians)

https://dailynewshungary.com/mythical-blood-oath-this-is-what-the-leaders-of-the-7-hu-tribes-said/

Phoenix:

https://www.boutique-of-arts.com/the-alchemical-phoenix/ 

http://www.levity.com/alchemy/alcbirds.html 

Thunderbird:

http://www.native-languages.org/thunderbird.htm 

https://pnsn.org/outreach/native-american-stories/thunderbird-and-whale/thunderbird-and-whale-stories/list-of-stories

Books and Papers

Baabar (2018, 2nd ed.). Almanac History of Mongolia. Nepko Publishing. Ulaanbaatar.

Gaiman, N. (2017). Norse Mythology. Bloomsbury Publishing. London.

Hughes, L. (2006). Blood Oaths, Boundaries and Brothers. In: Moving the Maasai. St Antony’s Series. Palgrave Macmillan, London.

Klossowski de Rola, S. (1973; 2013). The arcane doctrine of alchemy. Thames and Hudson, London.

Oschema, K. (2006). Blood-brothers: a ritual of friendship and the construction of the imagined barbarian in the middle ages. Journal of Medieval History, 32(3), 275-301.

Rowling, J.K. (1998). Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Bloomsbury Publishing, London.

Rowling, J.K. (2003). Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Bloomsbury Publishing, London.

Rowling, J.K. (2005). Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Bloomsbury Publishing. London.

Rowling, J.K. (2007). Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Bloomsbury Publishing, London.

Scamander, N. (1927). Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Bloomsbury Publishing, London, in association with Obscurus Books, Diagon Alley, London.

#fantastic beasts and where to find them #the crimes of grindelwald #Harry Potter #Blood pact #hookah skull #phoenix #louhi #J.K. Rowling

[asymetra]

Proselytize

Artemisia is a wallflower at university and a burgeoning humanist.  She has dyslexia and chooses to go by her middle name, Rose.

An excerpt from Truth and Roses

Sunny California wasn’t always sunny along the coast.  Often, low clouds from the ocean rolled in, hit the hills, and sat there; except this afternoon.  Like many students, Rose, with liberally applied sun cream, laid on the grass enjoying the sun’s warmth.  The bright sunlight made it near impossible to see tablet screens, unless one was lucky enough to get some space under a shady tree - of which, Rose was not one.  Her broad hat provided shade, but reflected off the screen making it impossible to see so she was charging her tablet with a portable solar panel.  She actually spent time reading a school book - well, trying, the words were a jumble - and angling it in the shade of her broad hat so the bright sunlight didn’t reflect off the page into her face.

She hadn’t spoken to any other students in the three weeks she’d been at University.  No one commented on her first name or her age.  She wasn’t the tallest person for her age, but there were plenty of older students shorter than her.  She felt she had more free time here, but the workload was high.  She didn’t see how some people took up to six or even seven classes, always looking frazzled and rushing from class to class, then throwing a demanding social life into the mix.  She couldn’t do it.  She had the luxury of time.

She put the book away and just leaned back onto her backpack and closed her eyes.  She adjusted her hat to cover her face.  She was in a near doze when, “Eh hem.”  Betsy from her art class was looming over her.  Doesn’t she know about personal space?

“Hi.  Mind if I join you.”  She sat down facing Rose.

You just did.  “Uh… Sure.  I guess.”  Rose sat up, curled her legs underneath her, and arranged her skirt to radiate around her, placing her backpack between them as she put her book, phone, tablet and solar panel away.  She left the bag there.

“I’m Betsy.  We’re in art class together.”

I know.

Betsy extended her hand to shake, holding it palm down.

Rose righted it as she took it and gave it the expected shake.

“Artemshya, right?”

She can’t even say my name properly.  Rose resisted the urge to correct her.  “I prefer Rose.”

“Oh yes.  Houdini’s girl.  I know about him.  He was famous for breaking out of things and fooling people with magic.”

“He was a famous escape artist,” Rose said. “And knowing magic tricks gave him an edge when looking for deceptive practices by spiritualists.”  She cringed inwardly.  Betsy was the religious girl.  It was being reflected in her art.  Why did I just give her an inroad to talk about religion?

“Spiritualism, with fake pictures of spirits and funny seances lifting tables.  Like any of that was real.  I want to talk to you about our Lord Jesus?”

Why me?  “Sorry, I already know all about Christianity.”

“Oh!”  She smiled.  “Then you can join us at Christian Campus.”  She pulled out a pamphlet and offered it to Rose.  Rose took it politely.  “We have organizations at schools all across the nation and welcome members of all faiths.”

“Even Jewish?”

“Jews for Jesus.  Certainly.  Are you Jewish?  You don’t look Jewish.  I don’t mean to offend.”

Of course not.

“I have a tract here for you.”  Betsy began rooting through her bag.  “We are all believers of The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

“I’m not Jewish.”

“Oh, phew.  Are you Mormon?”

“And do you have a tract in there for me?”

“Certainly.”  She began rooting again.

“Except I’m not Mormon.”  She thought of fooling with Betsy, but then decided not to.  She recalled the words of James Randi, Be kind.  “Look, to be honest, I don’t believe in the Christian god any more than you or I believe in the gods of the ancient Greeks, Romans, Norse, or Egyptians.”

“None of those gods were ever real.  They were just mirrors of their culture, what with making war and adultery, they were just made up tales of human endeavors.  But God doesn’t possess those human traits.”

“God gets angry and jealous,” Rose countered.  “Those are very human traits.”

“They are divine traits bestowed upon mankind when he breathed life into Adam.”

“What about when Hera gets mad at Zeus for cheating on her?  Is that jealousy and anger not divine?”

“It might seem like it, but it’s not.  We inherited divine traits from god.  They get filtered through the human soul into our minds – which are not capable of handling such divine emotions – and we passed them on as human traits to false gods and idols.  We don’t even experience the full capacity of god’s divine emotions.”

“Couldn’t god have just made us capable of handling such divine emotions?  He is all-powerful.”

Betsy said, “Our souls can, but the limits of the flesh prevent us from experiencing it.”

“I see,” said Rose.  “I think it would be nice to have a god that was more human than not.”

Betsy god excited, “Oh!  But He is!”

Rose already knew the answer, but asked anyway, “How so?”

“Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.  He came down from Heaven and lived as a human.  He died on the cross for our sins so that we can be saved.”

Rose had heard it all before.  How had this not sounded so foolish then as it does now?  “How can god be human and not human?”

“Through the trinity.  God the Father is separate from his Son, Jesus Christ.

“But aren’t they the same?  ‘I and the Father are one.’”

“John 10:30. Yes, you understand.”

“How can something be the same and different?”

“The trinity is like a tub of ice cream.”

What?  “You mean like pistachio ice cream?”

“Yes.  The ice cream is god and the pistachios are the father, the son and the holy ghost.”

So, Jesus is nuts?  Betsy really didn’t see the implications.  “And together all the nuts and the ice cream itself make up the flavor that is the Trinity.”

“Yes.”  Betsy nodded.

She’s really not seeing it.

“Through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, God gathers all believers to his abiding love in Heaven where eternal happiness awaits us all.  All you have to do is believe.”

To forestall the coming invitation to accept Jesus, Rose asked, “And what happens to those who don’t.”

“They go to Hell where they burn in a lake of Sulphur and demons torture them for eternity.”

You forgot to mention the pitchforks.  “But aren’t the demons supposed to be tortured for disobeying god as well?”

“Their separation from God is torture in itself.  They know God exists, whereas we can only believe.  Belief and knowledge are not the same thing.  And the knowledge of their eternal separation from God is the torture itself.  God only requires faith from us.”

You’re treating faith like knowledge.  “So, the demons and Satan can never enter heaven?”

“No.”

“But didn’t Satan enter heaven to make a bet on whether Job would curse god?”

Betsy hesitated.

Got you.

“God is everywhere, so Satan wouldn’t have to go to Heaven to see God.”

Damn those weird rationalizations.  She had rationalized things to fool herself and justify her beliefs and excuse peoples’ actions.  She smiled inwardly.  “Then isn’t god in Hell where the demons reside?  If he’s everywhere, then he’s in Hell.”

Betsy paused.  So did Rose.  “He’s everywhere except in the hearts of those who are disobedient and don’t believe in him.”

And the dodge.  “Demons have hearts?”  This was a new one to her.

“Not in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense.”

Rose shifted, moving away just a little.  She finally knew just how stupid she sounded during her deconversion.  She was going to thank Connie when she got home.

“God is important to us all, whether we accept it or not.  He is coming and we need to prepare ourselves and remain blameless before him.  We need to prepare the world for His arrival, so He can establish His Kingdom on earth.”

If her brains were ink, she couldn’t dot an ‘i’.  Rose just asked, “When will that be?”

“No one knows,” she shook her head gravely, then perked up, “But it will be soon.” It’s always soon. “What will god’s kingdom be like?”

“After the Time of Tribulation, when God returns and overthrows the Antichrist, he will establish a heavenly city upon earth and make earth his new throne.”

“City?”

“Heavens, yes!” Betsy nodded vigorously.  “It will be fifteen hundred miles on all sides.”

“All sides?  Even up?”

“Yes!  It will have streets of gold.  Buildings made from platinum with diamond windows.  Ruby lampposts and silver sidewalks.  Everything will be made with emeralds and sapphires, and every precious gemstone imaginable and even more that we can’t imagine.  You can move in all directions, even up.  You won’t need elevators or airplanes.  Just will it and you will just rise into the air.  Kings and princes will serve God’s favored people.”

“The Jewish?”

“Heavens no,” she looked incredulous.  “They killed God’s son and will burn in hell for their transgression.”

Rose adjusted her legs, not quite finding comfort on the soft grass.  There was more wrong with that statement, and this whole conversation, than Rose could – or was willing to – address in the short time she was willing to put up with this moron.  Hey, she thought, an m short of Mormon.  Betsy’s racism and bigotry were appalling, but Betsy was completely unaware of it.  She felt worse for having believed much of the same tripe herself.

She pulled out her water bottle and swilled it around her mouth before spitting it to the side.  “Sorry, I just got sick in my mouth.”  She put the water bottle away.  “Look, Betsy, you’re a very fine person.” F’d up, insecure, neurotic emotional. “But I’ve already been down that road.  It messed me up.  I’m still recovering from what I suffered and I never want to be subjugated to it again.  I cherish knowledge, but was never allowed to ask real questions.  That never seemed right even when I believed in what you believe in.”  Her gaze wandered to anywhere Betsy wasn’t.

“Don’t hate god for what agents of Satan have done to you.”

This is a FINE – F*** It Never Ends – situation she was in.  “I can’t hate something that doesn’t exist.  And those agents?  They were well-intended Christians who lied to me about who they were and who I was.  I was abused and violated.”

“It’s all part of God’s plan for us,” Betsy appealed.

Rose cocked her head in disbelief, her eyes firmly planted on Betsy.  She was bowed up now!  “Rape?”

Betsy nodded.  “We cannot know the mind of God.  He sees the big picture where we cannot.”

Betsy had blown her chance to back off.  Rose stood up and swung her backpack onto her shoulder.  “Thanks a lot.  That makes is all okay now.  He was only fulfilling god’s plan by planting god’s seed inside me.  O cum all ye faithful, in righteous enjoyment.  I’m sure glad he never suffered for it.  Wouldn’t want to punish someone for doing god’s righteous work. Thanks.  I can see now that it was Righteous Rape.”

“Just look in your heart,” Betsy pleaded, “and you will find God waiting there.”

“God doesn’t exist in the hearts of non-believers.  Remember?”

“You once believed.  He’s still there waiting for you.”

“Not any more.  I gave up believing in myths.  Excuse me, I have a class to attend,” she lied.  What she really wanted was a shower.  Just talking with this box of rocks made her feel soiled.  Rose turned her back on the dimwit and walked away without so much as a glance back.  She crumpled the pamphlet and threw it in a trash can as she passed.

There were greater dangers to redheads sitting out in the sun than skin cancer.

#truth and roses

[standtoreason93]

Tactics for Atheists

By Greg Koukl

Consider this scenario. An atheist engages two Christians on a sidewalk and begins to gently and genially engage them about their beliefs. Their initial, breezy assurance begins to fade, however, as they falter in the face of carefully-worded questions about the things they think they know “by faith.”

The atheist gives no evidence for atheism. He gives no evidence againstChristianity. Instead, he only does one thing. He asks questions about “faith” as a way of knowing. He remains calm and friendly as the discussion closes, but by that time one of the Christians is visibly uncomfortable.

This scenario is not a piece of fiction, though. I watched the actual conversation’s sad saga unfold on YouTube.[1] The companion follow-up video documented the devastating consequences of the atheist’s approach. One of the Christians, now an atheist, thanks his challenger for helping him see the irrational errors of his religious ways.

Conversations like this are not isolated events. More and more atheists are taking tactical cues from atheist philosopher Peter Boghossian, who has written a book titled A Manual for Creating Atheists. It is, essentially, a tactics book for atheists, and the purpose of the book is to help other atheists make an atheist out of you.

Boghossian calls his approach “Street Epistemology.” His strategy is absolutely unique, though, since he has no interest in making the case in favor of atheism or against any particular religious claim. It’s not necessary. The Achilles’ heel of all religion, according to him, is “faith,” and that is his singular target. Christians have a “faith virus,”[2] and his goal is to kill it.

Mangling “Faith”

I keep putting scare quotes around the word “faith” for a reason. Quotes are often used by writers to signal to the reader that a word is being used in an odd, specialized, or unconventional way. That is what Boghossian has done with the word “faith.”

It’s a common rhetorical ruse to redefine words vital to a debate in a way that favors one’s own position. Mangling the definition of faith is a trick used almost universally by atheists recently to illicitly gain advantage in their assault against Christianity. This atheist, though, builds an entire attack plan around this ploy.

Here is Boghossian’s definition. A Christian’s faith is nothing more than “belief without evidence,” a habit of “pretending to know things you don’t know.”[3] After all, Boghossian asserts, “if one had sufficient evidence to warrant belief in a particular claim, then one wouldn’t believe the claim on the basis of faith. ‘Faith’ is the word one uses when one does not have enough evidence to justify holding a belief.”[4]

Of course, the second element of Boghossian’s definition (pretending to know things you don’t know) would be an uncontroversial consequence of the first element (belief without evidence) if the first were sound. But it is not. That definition may do for Mormonism, or Islam, or Hinduism, or Buddhism, but it will not do for biblical Christianity. The reason is simple: That is not the biblical view of faith.

I am painfully aware that the number of Christians who “just believe” is legion. For them, faith is indeed a leap, a “belief without evidence,” a kind of “pretending” at knowledge, as Boghossian puts it. What Christians do, though, and what Christianity teaches are often two different things. Sadly, many Christian people do not understand Christian teaching and fall prey to atheists like Boghossian looking for a quick kill with this maneuver.

If one wants to find fault with the Christian version of faith, he must go to the Christian source: the Bible. There we find an entirely different characterization of faith. In the biblical understanding, faith is not a leap without reason but a step of trust based on evidence. Here is a small sampling of what it says:

“Jesus the Nazarene, a man attested to you by God with miracles and wonders and signs which God performed through Him in your midst, just as you yourselves know….” (Acts 2:22)

To these [apostles] He also presented Himself alive after His suffering, by many convincing proofs, appearing to them over a period of forty days. (Acts 1:3)

“Though you do not believe Me, believe the works [i.e., miracles], so that you may know and understand that the Father is in Me.” (Jn. 10:38)

Therefore many other signs Jesus also performed in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; but these have been writtenso that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing you may have life in His name. (Jn. 20:30–31)

And according to Paul’s custom, he went to them, and for three Sabbathsreasoned with them from the Scriptures, explaining and giving evidencethat the Christ had to suffer and rise again from the dead. (Acts 17:2­–3)

And this is just the tip of the iceberg from the record. Anyone is free, of course, to fault the evidence as unconvincing, but evidence and arguments are offered in abundance, nonetheless. The Bible knows nothing of blind-faith appeals.[5] Boghossian’s entire tactical project trades on a straw man—a misrepresentation of our view that, like a lifeless scarecrow, is easily beaten. He and his disciples are tilting at windmills.

Boghossian has anticipated this objection, of course. “When pressed,” he writes, “the faithful will offer vague definitions that are merely transparent attempts to evade criticism, or simplistic definitions that intentionally muddy the meaning of ‘faith.’”[6]

We are doing nothing of the sort, of course. This is Boghossian’s project—not the Christian’s—and he knows it, candidly admitting he is “redefining faith as ‘pretending,’” (emphasis mine).[7] Curiously, he writes, “Words…can help us see clearly, or they can confuse, cloud, or obscure issues.”[8] I agree. And that is precisely what he has done—confuse, cloud, and obscure—with his definition of “faith.”

This will not do. As I have pointed out elsewhere:

If you want to critique a view, you must critique the view itself and not your own private version of it. Anyone is free, of course, to define faith according to his own fancy, but he is not free to import his fanciful definition into another’s use of the word. If he does, he will be jousting with shadows and not the real thing.[9]

Mangling “faith” is foundational to Boghossian’s approach, a crafty wordplay that’s critical to his method. But it’s not the only thing he distorts in his system.

Mangling Epistemology

Boghossian has made another mistake you need to be alerted to. It’s a second bit of sleight of hand that serves his purposes. “Faith,” Boghossian claims, “is an epistemology.”[10]

This fancy philosophical word has a simple meaning. Epistemology is the discipline that describes how we know what we know. There are a variety of ways of knowing, of course. Empiricism is one epistemology we are all familiar with. We use our five senses to discover true things about the world. Reason is also a way of knowing. We use it to assess evidence and ideas in order to determine what is true and what is false. Both are examples of genuine epistemologies.

Boghossian claims that faith is in the same category. Faith is a way of knowing. This assumption was clear in the YouTube conversation and is central to the tactical approach outlined in Boghossian’s Manual. It’s a false move, though—and a surprising tack for a philosopher to take, since a person of such letters should know better.

Boghossian attempts to undermine a Christian’s confidence by showing that the epistemology a believer uses—“faith”—is an unreliable source of knowledge. But this gambit is just another effort to “confuse, cloud, and obscure.” Of course faith is a not a reliable source of knowledge, for a good reason: Faith is not an epistemology to begin with.

Christians do not use faith in order to discover knowledge. Rather, faith is their response to knowledge they’ve already obtained by some other means. Christian faith is a way of acting (the act of trust) based on what a person knows for other reasons (his epistemology).

Look carefully at the statement I cited earlier at the end of John’s Gospel, and you will see this point precisely.

Therefore many other signs Jesus also performed in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; but these have been written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ.

Notice, John does not enjoin us to believe so that we will know (faith as epistemology). That would be silly. Quite the opposite. He enjoins us to believe because he’s given us good reasons—miracles, in this case—to know that Jesus’ claims are true (empirical evidence as epistemology).

Even when a Christian has no evidence at all that he can offer a critic to justify his faith, he still is not using his faith as an epistemology. For example, when he puts his faith in what Scripture says, he is using revelation as an epistemology—as his way of knowing—and he’s putting his active trust (faith) in that. [11]

Whether or not the Christian is justified in doing so is another issue. My point here is that in Christianity (or anyplace else I’m aware of), [12] faith is never considered an epistemology—a way of knowing—so the Street Epistemology strategy is based on a second straw man. Boghossian is leaning on yet another bent reed.

Strategy on the Street

Boghossian’s game plan has three elements. First, he instructs his disciples to avoid facts. “Do not bring particular pieces of evidence (facts, data points) into the discussion,” he counsels.[13] It’s a distraction since persuasion is not the immediate objective.

Second, “Target faith, not God…. Belief in God(s) is not the problem. Belief without evidence [Boghossian’s version of “faith”] is the problem.”[14]

Third, create doubt. Doubting “faith” is the goal. “Focus on undermining one’s confidence in how one claims to know what one knows…as opposed to what one believes exists,” Boghossian instructs.[15] In that way “you’ll sow seeds of doubt that will blossom into…moments of…openness.”[16]

There are different kinds of doubt, of course. When a person faces formidable evidence against his view, he’ll naturally feel a dissonance—a conflict in his mind causing him to question his beliefs. This hesitation is called rationaldoubt. It’s a natural part of the process of amending our convictions when appropriate.

Boghossian is not interested in that kind of doubt, though. Remember, facts are not relevant to his strategy since facts cannot be counted on to change minds.[17] Rather, Boghossian wants to arouse a different kind of misgiving in a Christian—psychological doubt. He wants her to feel unnerved not as a result of facts, evidence, or reason, but because of carefully-crafted questions that catch her off guard, cause her to hesitate, and create uncertainty in her mind about her spiritual convictions.

Boghossian gives a personal example of how he did this in a conversation with a Mormon security guard[18] who appealed to creation as evidence for God, making the argument that if the universe began to exist, then a creator God must exist:

PB: Well, if the universe always existed then it wasn’t created. If it wasn’t caused what would that mean?

(Pause)

SG: That there’s no God?

PB: Yup. That’s what it would mean.[19]

Of course, it would mean nothing of the sort, and Boghossian knows it since he’s a philosopher. The technical error in his argument is called denying the antecedent in a conditional syllogism, but you can readily see for yourself that even if the universe always existed—which almost no one believes anymore because of overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary—it still wouldn’t rule out God. The universe, being contingent and not self-existent, could still depend on a self-existent God for its eternal existence. [20]

Using a clever hypothetical linked to a question, the philosopher had duped the security guard who, Boghossian admitted, “looked horrified and scared.” The atheist was elated, though: “I tried to hide my joy, show my approval, and acknowledge our success.”

Boghossian had taken advantage of a Mormon’s philosophic and scientific naiveté by feeding him a fallacy. He then patted himself on the back since, even though his own reasoning was awful, he’d accomplished what he’d set out to do—ravage the Mormon’s confidence, regardless of the truth.

The questions Boghossian teaches atheists to ask are not meant to clarify. They are meant to stupefy. [21] They are often hypotheticals—“What if…?” kinds of questions—that unsuspecting Christians answer without reflection, not realizing they’re being ambushed.

Street Smarts

Boghossian’s Street Epistemologists are dangerous not because they’re right, but because they’re very clever and they’re very nice. They are friendly and non-combative, and they ask lots and lots of questions, especially about “faith” since they’re convinced your beliefs have no basis in fact. When someone begins to make frequent, friendly probes about “faith,” be on guard. Here’s what I suggest.

First, as a general rule, stop using the word “faith” to describe your personal investment in what you believe. I have been saying this for years because that word has been so abused—both by accident (by untutored Christians) and on purpose (by atheists like Boghossian)—it’s no longer useful.

I’ve heard the atheist’s canard “If you have evidence for your belief, then where is room for faith?” plenty of times from believers, too. When a Christian says this, he’s red meat for a Street Epistemologist.

Second, in conversation with an atheist, do not let him redefine faith for you. If he succeeds, you’re finished. You’ll be conceding that your convictions have no basis in fact. Ask, “When you use the word ‘faith,’ what exactly do you mean?” Refuse the “faith” redefinition, and you’ll dodge one of Boghossian’s most lethal bullets.

Use the word “trust” instead. That’s what the Greek word in the New Testament translated “faith” means. Though Boghossian warns his disciples to be alert to this move, it is completely legitimate for you to insist that the atheist use your definition of faith and not his own distortion.[22]

In fact, do not let him carry on about “faith“ at all. If you do, you’ll be giving life to a straw man. Instead, shift the conversation to evidence and reasons. That’s what matters.

Third, if you’re not entirely sure where a question is leading, don’t answer it. Politely refuse to play the question game. The moment you feel like the questions might be designed to manipulate you, stop the conversation and ask for clarification before you go any further. Here’s how that might look, in brief, in Boghossian’s encounter with the Mormon (above):

PB: Well, if the universe always existed, then it wasn’t created. If it wasn’t caused, what would that mean?

SG: I’m not clear on what you’re getting at. What do you think it would mean?

PB: That there’s no God.

SG: Really? How does that follow?

Notice, your response here forces the questioner to make his point—and defend it—instead of him getting you to make his point for him.

Some of the basic questions you’ll encounter will not be difficult. If someone asks you what you believe, it’s okay to tell him. Keep it basic, though. If he asks, “What is your level of confidence in your belief?” feel free to tell him that, too—just avoid giving numbers (“I’m an 8 on a 10-point scale”). Instead, keep it general. Say your confidence is strong, but it’s open to revision. If he asks, “If you had good reasons to change your belief, would you?” answer, “Of course.” If he asks you, “Is faith a reliable way of knowing?” answer, “Of course not. Faith is trusting what I have reason to believe based on the evidence.”

Then ask him to explain where he’s going with his questions. Make him lay his project out precisely. This is something the Street Epistemologist does not want to do (“Oh, I’m just curious”), but don’t let him off easily. Have him come clean as a condition for further conversation.

Generally speaking, when an atheist presses you with questions you’re not sure how to answer, always ask for clarification. Here are some examples:

“Help me out here. What, specifically, are you are getting at with your question?”

“There are probably a number of ways to answer that, depending. What do you have in mind?”

“Of course, any person can be mistaken about what he believes. So could I. I’d have to consider conflicting evidence, though. Where are you headed with these questions?”

“Sure, I’d change my mind if I had no good reasons to believe what I do and good reasons to believe something else. What do you suggest?”

“What evidence would cause me to change my mind? I’m not sure I can tell you in advance. I’d have to consider particular objections. What were you thinking?”

“You asked how I would know if I were delusional. I have no reason to think I’m experiencing delusions. Why would you think I am? And why would you label an inaccurate belief a ‘delusion’? You’ve had inaccurate beliefs, haven’t you? Does that make you delusional, too?”

When the atheist offers a response, listen carefully, assess thoughtfully, and answer slowly, if at all. Don’t worry if you can’t answer all the questions he asks about your faith. As I said, Street Epistemologists are clever. They’re prepared with particular questions you may not be able to respond to in a clear way at the moment. No worries. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’ll have to give that some thought.”

Finally, Street Epistemologists prey upon the weak. If you don’t have any reasons for your convictions, you’re going to be vulnerable. Don’t be a spiritual weakling. Since all of Boghossian’s questions trade on his conviction that belief in Christianity lacks good reasons, your best defense is to have those reasons handy. They’re out there. You need to get them.[23]

When you learn how to think well and respond with care, you won’t be a sitting duck, easy prey to Boghossian’s disciples. Instead, you’ll be a strong, courageous, and confident disciple of Christ.

______________________

[1] You’ll find lots of examples on YouTube under “Street Epistemology.” This one is at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Fe1vep7NDU.

[2] Peter Boghossian, A Manual for Creating Atheists (Durham, NC: Pitchstone Publishing, 2013), 68.

[3] Ibid., 21.

[4] Ibid., 23.

[5] Find an extensive list of passages and citations from moderns to the ancients in Tom Gilson’s Peter Boghossian: Atheist Tactician, available at Amazon.com.

[6] Boghossian, 21.

[7] Ibid., 80.

[8]Ibid., 23.

[9] Gregory Koukl, The Story of Reality (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017), 133–134.

[10] Boghossian, 29.

[11] Incidentally, I think conviction by the Holy Spirit is also a legitimate grounding for faith, even without other evidence, though your own conviction may not be persuasive to others. There’s a difference between knowing and showing, to use William Lane Craig’s terminology.

[12] From my own MA studies in philosophy, it appears that Boghossian’s claim that faith is an epistemology is philosophically novel.

[13] Boghossian, 72.

[14] Ibid., 76–77.

[15] Ibid., 79.

[16] Ibid., 51.

[17] Ibid., 72.

[18] Just to be clear, Mormons are not Christians, though they are some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. Theirs is a religion that is completely distinct from historic Christianity—same vocabulary, different definitions. These distinctions don’t matter to an atheist, but they should matter to you.

[19] Boghossian, 126. STR’s Amy Hall alerted me to this passage and helped me develop some of these ideas.

[20] For more detail, see Gottfried Leibniz’s version of the cosmological argument.

[21] Causing people to doubt, not clarifying ideas, is one of the biggest differences between Boghossian’s approach and my own teaching in Tactics.

[22] The best single source I suggest for a short, concise tutorial on faith is chapter 21, “Trust,” in The Story of Reality.

[23] For more thorough critiques of Boghossian’s Street Epistemology, see Gilson’s Peter Boghossian: Atheist Tactician and Cameron Bertuzzi’s “How to Respond to Street Epistemology” at CapturingChristianity.com.

[hymnrevival]

THE DANGERS OF HALLOWEEN - PART 10 I Was Abused In A Satanic Halloween Ritual

https://plus.google.com/115555888016056562361/posts/RjzTDRXicgu

SRA Victim, Ex-Witch, Redeemed by Jesus Christ

Sister Beth

Two years ago, as a brand new Christian, I came to the realization I had to let go of Halloween. As a non-Christian I absolutely loved Halloween. Obsessed really. I loved all things horror and gore, as a matter of fact. Zombies, witches, vampires, you name it. I was fascinated by all of it. We had quite the collection of Halloween decorations sitting in our garage that we had been working on for years. Costumes, skull lights, a severed head, tombstones, body parts, etc. All to make our yard look nice and festive for the Halloween season.

It was actually very easy for me to let go of Halloween that first year. I had come into this new relationship with Christ and experienced His love immeasurable. All I wanted was to give myself to God and receive more of Him in return. The love and the guidance of my beautiful Savior was something that I had longed for my entire life. And as I gave myself over to Christ, I found myself wanting to leave behind my old life of pain and death and despair.

Walking away from my old life meant leaving behind all of my associations with witchcraft and the occult. That meant my books on witchcraft, gods and goddesses, my Buddha statues, crystals, tarot cards, and much more. I knew that witchcraft was not something to trifle with, because it was dangerous. It was allowing darkness into my life and my home, and I was done with the darkness. Done. The darkness had done nothing good for me ever, but Jesus had given me life and hope.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14 So that year we took that entire box of Halloween decorations and dumped it all in the trash where it belonged. I knew Halloween was a high holy day for witches and Satanists, because I had celebrated it many times as a witch myself. I had even done spells and rituals on this holy of holy nights. Halloween is when witches see the veil between the world at its thinnest, and they do rituals to contact the dead. They also use this time to celebrate death, because in the pagan culture, death is not the end of life, but the beginning of life in another world.

The next year on Halloween, I began to speak out about my testimony of how I broke free from witchcraft and that Halloween ia actually a pagan celebration. I was so passionate about sharing the truth with the world, because I didn’t want to see people getting sucked into the lies of the devil. So many people, Christians and non Christians alike, love Halloween. They get caught up in the season of Halloween, which is full of dressing up, parties, goodies, and other fun things. Little do they know that they are actually being a party to witchcraft in the process.

I remember last year speaking to a woman who was a satanic ritual abuse survivor and being so worried for her as she told me how difficult October is for her every year. I couldn’t quite understand why, but I knew that the increase of witchcraft activity must have a part to play in it. I learned more about the Satanic aspect of Halloween and the sacrificial murders that happen on this night. Yet it still seemed so far away from my own reality.

‘You shall not give any of your offspring to offer them to Molech, nor shall you profane the name of your God; I am the LORD. Leviticus 18:21

It was just about that time last year that I began to have my own memories of being abused and tortured in satanic rituals as a child. I was barely coming to terms with it even being real for me as the memories slowly came in every week. It has taken me an entire year to process and understand and come to grips with some pretty intense truths about myself and this world we live in. One of those being that Halloween is far more than just a pagan holiday where witchcraft is prevalent. It was only recently that God took me into a memory of being in a satanic ritual on Halloween. I cannot even say how many Halloweens I was forced to be involved in rituals on Halloween, as I am taking my time going through as the Holy Spirit wills. What the Holy Spirit has shown me was being taken into a satanic ritual at the tender age of 3. I don’t think any person can truly fathom the reality and the evil of a satanic ritual, and I do not intend to ever go into great detail about them, but I am going to explain enough so that you can have a better understanding.

Satanic rituals are not new to our world. They have been around for thousands of years, and they are talked about in the Bible, when people were sacrificing their children to the god Molech. Molech is the god of human sacrifice, and he is highly worshiped in satanic cults, along with many other gods and goddesses. Molech is a demon, not a god, and he is controlled by Satan himself. In ancient times satanic rituals were done out in the open where anyone could see. They were not hidden. But times have changed and the rituals have not stopped, they just had to be moved into places where it would not be detected.

And he burned his son as an offering and used fortune-telling and omens and dealt with mediums and with necromancers. He did much evil in the sight of the Lord, provoking him to anger. 2 Kings 21:6

All satanic rituals have one main purpose: to align people with the kingdom of darkness, so they can be filled with evil and be used to carry out the works of the devil. The devil has to do this, because what else does he have to gain power? No one would openly align themselves with the devil over darkness, when they know the Truth of the goodness of God. No, the devil always resorts to lies and deceptions in order to steal away God’s people, and he targets the most innocent first.

I remember quite clearly on this particular Halloween night getting dressed up and going to my Grandmother’s house with my parents. I was excited to show her my costume and go trick or treating. I had a Donnie Osmond doll with me. On my own I can recall nothing more. Yet here is what the Holy Spirit revealed to me. My parents told me before we went around the neighborhood we were going to go by the church (Mormon Church) to get some candy there. The church was very close to my grandmother’s house, and I knew so from going often.

We went to the church and what happened next made my blood curdle. I was given candy, but that was just a preclude to the sexual abuse that would happen in a satanic ritual. On Halloween Satanists use young children, such as myself, as sexual idols to worship. Other children receive a far worse fate. Death. I know for some this is more than you can even think to believe, but it is true. I can barely write these words because the pain of the truth is almost more than I can bear. If it wasn’t for the grace and love of Jesus Christ, I would not even be here writing this at all. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace,expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:6-7

Why would anyone do such sick things to a child? There are a lot of reasons really. Most likely they are acting from what they know; their own sadistic abuse. Satanism doesn’t just all of a sudden show up. It gets implanted and takes roots and grows over time. It starts off small and infects everyone around it who isn’t grounded in Christ and able to see the truth of the evil around them. That is why Satan starts with children. If he can do this to small children, then they will grow up and do it to children themselves. That is what Satan’s plan was for me.

There are many churches that are going to have just the same type of rituals on Halloween night. Christian churches, Catholic churches, and more. Satan does not care what your religious beliefs are, he only cares that he can get a door in. Once he gets that door open, he is in for good, because the deception is just so deep. If we as a society cannot see that this happens, or refuse to believe it could be true, then no wonder Satan is in so deeply.

We have to be willing to open our eyes to the world around us. Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy, and he is doing it by masking it as peace, love and light. Yet the Bible makes it clear Satan will come in disguise as an angel of light. As long as we keep deciding to turn our backs to these sort of truths, we are going to continue to be held captive in this world. I am not alone in this abuse. Hundreds of thousands of others are just like me, and have been subjected to torment on Halloween night. And many more will also be tortured and murdered on Halloween as every year passes. The only difference between myself and most other victims is, I chose to allow God to bring me healing and remember it. I could not have done it without Jesus. It would be impossible.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24

Halloween night is a night full of rituals, but also witchcraft. Witches and Satanists of all kinds get together in groups and perform rituals and also do spells and astral travel. This means that Halloween night is so full of witchcraft that it is basically impossible not to feel the effects of it. Most people do not understand what witchcraft feels like, so they have no idea. There is literally so much witchcraft going on that night that it is overtaking the world. That means that every single person that is participating in any type of Halloween activity on Halloween night is actually in agreement with all the rituals and witchcraft.

That means when we take our kids out to trick or treat, or to a fall festival or even to a costume party, we are coming into agreement with Halloween and what it is. We are not only teaching our children that Halloween is good and safe, but we are inadvertently allowing them to be aligned with darkness. In the laws of the spiritual realm, that is all it takes to make an agreement, or covenant. It is very important we stop looking at the world for just the physical nature of it, and start realizing that there is a spiritual side that encompasses every aspect of everything. Do we want to come into agreement with ritual abuse of children or witchcraft? I know, I do not.

Halloween is still a very difficult time for me, as I am faced with constant reminders about my abuse as I drive through the neighborhood or go to any stores. They are all filled with Halloween decorations, especially decorations of skulls, witches and other such things, that are directly related to satanic abuse for me. I used to love Halloween because so much of me was aligned with darkness. Now I am finding incredible levels of freedom, and Halloween can never hold anything fun or good to me ever again.

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. Colossians 2:8

Jesus has been absolutely central in my finding freedom, redemption and healing from my pain and my own personal hell. He has shown me a love like I have never known before in my entire life. He has shown me that His love is something that is pure and untainted, and that I am indeed special and valuable to God. Even more so, that I am wanted and precious in God’s eyes. How amazing is that. Once I had a taste of that love, I had to have more. That is what has led me to healing. Wanting more of Jesus Christ and His all-consuming love.

There may be evil in this world, but nothing is bigger than the power of the Almighty. The devil may have infiltrated churches, or taken over an entire night to align people unwittingly with darkness, but that can never change the truth of who God is. He is the King, and in the end He will wear the Victor’s Crown. The devil can try as he might to corrupt God’s people, but behind the scenes God is working relentlessly to save us all. If it hadn’t been for Jesus, I would have been completely corrupted, and on my way to hell. Jesus protected my spirit, which is eternal, so it could be with Him forever. As hard as knowing all this abuse has happened to me, and even reliving it through flashbacks, I am thankful for it all. If it hadn’t been for this abuse, I could not be here right now telling about it. Which means so many others who have endured this life of hell and had no idea why, would never see the hope that lies in their own freedom. It also means that so many people who have been held captive to the lies of the devil would never be awakened to the truth. And it also means that there is a hope that children can start to be saved from this horrible abuse that is happening to them, and lives can be saved. All of this is because of the hope and the love of Jesus Christ. I am so very thankful for that.

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. Ephesians 5:11

I pray for each person reading this that you are absolutely burdened with the truth, but absolutely freed with complete hope in restoration. We have to start now to work together, to love each other and build each other up in order to spread God’s message of love. The devil wants to spread fear and hate, but we need to remember it was love that saved us. God’s love did not stop on the cross. God’s love is so powerful that it will redeem more hearts and minds than the devil can ever hope to corrupt. He is good, and the devil cannot stop that goodness from spreading like a wildfire throughout this world, not matter how bad things look. We just have to learn who to focus on. Jesus. He is the giver of life and hope and truth. We need to turn our eyes to Him and see where He is asking us to go, and then surrender ourselves just enough so we can begin to follow Him. No matter how hard it is.

Jesus is safe. He is trustworthy. He is patient and steadfast in abounding love. If He weren’t then I would be dead. Yet I am alive! I am alive in Christ and hopeful in salvation to the utmost ends of this earth. God is willing that none should perish, not even one. He is working my loves! He is working for you, and everyone you know, to bring them into the rightness of a relationship with the Father. He is working at drawing you near and offering you hope from your affliction. It is only through Jesus that we as people can begin to make drastic changes in this world and tear down every stronghold the devil has made. And it all starts with love.

Love yourself enough to allow God to speak into your heart right now, no matter how hard it seems, and let Him bring you the truth. He will never bring you to a place that is more than you can bear, and He will never violate you, ever. He is good. Open up to Him now, and hear His truth. Receive His love. Bask in His goodness. He is worthy it. All of it. I love you all.

For I desire loyalty and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6

Read More Here <a href="http://www.theothersideofdarkness.com/?s=halloween" rel="noreferrer nofollow">www.theothersideofdarkness.com/?s=halloween</a>

Sister Beth's Youtube channel here <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUus4aARWSIn7vlrShV4oLQ/videos" rel="noreferrer nofollow">www.youtube.com/channel/UCUus4aARWSIn7vlrShV4oLQ/videos</a>

[bitter-blooded-demon]

Dear Fred: You are right, I'm wrong, and I apologize. I want you to go to church so that you will have a better life, and an easier life. That is not and should not be the reason one goes to church. The reason that we share the gospel, the reason we go to church, the reason we do missionary work is so that (we and) others can grow spiritually, and learn, and do what we need to to get back to Our Maker. Good luck with your meeting. My prayers are with you -- and you don't need to know that.

The problem with the mindset of going to church to have a better an easier life is... that’s not how it works. That’s just not how it works at all. I can pray, go to church, pay my tithing, take the sacrament... but that doesn’t guarantee that things will go well for me. You can do everything right and still die a horrible painful death at the hands of your enemies. If that kind of mindset does anything, it makes me more spiteful and angry when things DON’T go well despite me doing all that. In the long run it damages my already depleted faith. I don’t expect God to do anything for me, because I’ll just be horribly let down if he doesn’t or if someone’s free agency gets in the way (coughruinedmarriagecough). I also know that God expects us to do as much for ourselves as we can. God also isn’t there to answer ALL the questions. He just won’t. If you need real-time practical advice it’s YOUR job to get it if you can. You might get a feeling one way or another if necessary, but even I know God isn’t going to hold your hand through everything.

Yesterday I needed practical advice. I needed to know from an outside source whether or not I had enough evidence to defend myself or whether I needed more. And in times like that my anxiety is too high to hear the spirit if I even WAS getting anything out of that. As far as my unlucky streak goes, I’ve done everything right and STILL had the world fall around my ears. As it turns out me falling down the stairs has saved me from having to move 80lb boxes of charts around as a wild goose chase. ... so there’s that.

As for me not going to Church... and other misc. spiritual things such as my level of faith and whether or not I’m shaking my fist at God (I’m not) is between me and God. Generally speaking all the times I’ve gotten angry and thrown out that God has no play in the situation and I don’t want to hear about it is because when you bring it up it’s brought up to me as “____ isn’t going well for you because you’re not doing what God wants you to.” .... that’d be between me and God... and you don’t know that that’s the case... especially when the following sentence is “I guess you have to figure out what you’re doing wrong.” If God punished you for not doing EVERYTHING as you should ALL THE TIME... he wouldn’t be God... he’d be Lucifer... you’re playing to Lucifer’s ideals...

If your answer is “Maybe God just doesn’t want you to right now.” That could very well be the case... but as I do not have the Liahona... and as much as I’ve tried to make it magically appear under my couch... I’m not going to get a direct message of where to go or what to do then... and I KNOW God is not very likely to just drop the solutions in my lap. Kind of like the guy in the flood who’s about to drown but turned down all his opportunities to be saved because it wasn’t God saving him... I can’t just wait around for God to fix it... I have to assume that any opportunity that crosses my path *might* be meant for me and I have to go after them. I’m going to be hella disappointed if things fall through... but if I wait for a FOR SURE gift from God... I’m going to fucking drown.

If the answer is “It’s the DEVIL!” A lot of things are the Devil... some of those things are actually God... others are just the Matrix and Free Agency... it’s best to just assume it’s the Matrix and or Free Agency unless proven otherwise... because to think it’s either of the above, you just ruin your faith by wondering why God won’t eventually relieve the burden... which then leads to fist shaking.

As for me not going to Church, or paying Tithing right now... the practice of going to church is to gain more knowledge and faith in the gospel... which I’m not going to do on the hallway couch talking to my mom. I mean, in the classroom I can AT LEAST catch the purpose of the lesson. The rooms were too cramped for me to even want to be in them, because too many people gives me anxiety... so I have been called to inactivity. Something I’d think you could understand. But the terms and conditions of my call to inactivity and whether or not I’m going to be “punished” for not going (I’m not) are between me and God.

For Tithing. I was paying Tithing. I was paying Tithing faithfully... and you know what... I was facing the threat of soon to be bouncing checks or not eating. So I quit paying tithing, because I couldn’t afford to. I just flat out could. not. afford. that 10%. Not everyone can. How many stories of faithful Mormons elsewhere have we heard who literally had nothing with which to pay Tithing. Literally they pay things with trades and whenever they DO have money it goes straight to the church. I don’t live in a place where I can pay things in trades. And facing down the idea of not being able to pay my bills was LITERALLY affecting my mental and emotional stability and the peace of the household. We flat out were not receiving the blessings of tithing... for what reason I cannot say, it’s none of my business. So I quit paying my Tithe... and you know what? We’re not facing bounced checks or late bills or potential hospital visits because I haven’t eaten. There’s less worry. I don’t think this is a “trick of the Devil” that’s going to end when the other shoe decides to drop. God is not Lucifer in that matter. I think it’s a little bit like when you eat breakfast on Fast Sunday because otherwise you’ll get sick. You don’t get punished for that. And so the Terms and Conditions of my temporary leave of tithe is again between me and God. If you want my personal opinion on this matter... you’ve driven me SO HARD to do everything right, everything by the book, EVERYTHING God wants me to do. EVERYTHING RIGHT. out of FEAR.... I repeat FEAR... that if I didn’t God would punish me and take everything away from me and I would suffer.. that this is a lesson in NO that’s not how God works. I DON’T have to do everything right. I DON’T HAVE to go to Church every Sunday. I don’t HAVE to pay my tithe to the penny. I don’t HAVE to read my scriptures nightly, say my prayers, go to all side meetings, get my patriarchal blessing, have Family home evening, have a Temple Marriage and an idealistic Mormon life. I don’t have to be a perfect Mormon to get God’s love and Blessings. I just HAVE TO DO MY BEST.

I think that’s the lesson I’ve been meant to learn here. Even if I do everything right doesn’t mean I’m going to get ALL the blessings available. My family dissolved even when I was doing everything right. But I thought maybe it was me who was still doing something wrong... I couldn’t figure out what it was so I became angry... and then the Tithing thing happened... I’m not paying tithing but I’m getting the blessings OF tithing... in so much as I can make ends meet without stressing out about it. Solidifying that I DON’T have to do everything perfect 100% to get God’s love and Blessings... and if I’m unable to do everything perfect and to a T that’s OK. Because as long as I’m doing my best God will make up the difference.

And I think that’s something you also need to take out of this. You cannot force someone to Church. You cannot force people to do what they should. Dangling the carrot of God’s blessings is a wonderful bit of incentive (and also the cause of severe mental complexes and anxiety) ... but if that carrot doesn’t pull through like you promise... well... you could potentially chase someone AWAY from the gospel. It’s not your job to force or coerce someone to stay. Don’t be Lucifer. It’s your job to teach your children right from wrong and why (not just because God says so) help them understand the teachings of the gospel, and hope that they use those teachings and those tools and continue being faithful members on their own. Otherwise they could be robbed of ALL their blessings even if they are doing everything as they should.

Outside of that, what you DO have is a plethora of life experience and practical advice... and sometimes it’s that, that passing of the knowledge of experience is what is needed at that point in time. Sometimes God’s answer to someone’s prayer is YOU and the knowledge only YOU hold.

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?