#i would never want to do anything else but at least i wouldnt need booze to make me not feel like shit so itd be better still -_- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

camilacantthink · 5 years

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havnt had thoughts like this in a long time. it would be really easy to kill myself. no one would know for weeks. i could do it quietly in my room. i could fill my cats food and water to the extreme, plus she’d have my body to eat. Pets do that. No one comes into my room. My friends would probably not think too much about it. they might get annoyed im not responding to them, or maybe they would think im mad at them or ignoring them. id feel bad about that part. but it would be so easy. the only person i really have constant contact with is across the glob. my mom would assume im with someone else. at a friends house or just not even pass her thoughts. not untill the third or fourth day of not talking to me. even then it would just be a txt saying ‘where are you’ or maybe ‘dinners ready if you want some’ but if i ignored it she wouldnt worry. im good at making people not worry. at least in my family at the moment. all i have to do is socialize and wear a little make up, maybe dress a little fun. then they think everything is fine. my friends think everything is fine. i just have humor that insults me, i play things off a lot. seems to work just fine. im tired of asking for help. im tired of saying im fine. i hate being the negative and bitchy one in a group. or the dumb one. or the one no one takes seriously.

i dont know why this is bothering me so much right now. i had come to terms with it. i dont need people to take me seriously. i played up my stupidity and inexperiance and general pathetic uslessness. its easy. but i dont know. im tired. and sad. and empty. everything is so empty you know. nothing matters, im not going anywhere, im not going to be anything. i dont need to be anything but... i want to matter to someone. i want to be someone’s person. the one they go to bc they like me. the one that they can bitch with or laugh with or just... i dont know.... im no one’s favorite person i guess. i should be fine with that. its a selfish thing to want. im just... so tired of being second or third or last.... the one no one wants to invite, the one someone invites when their prefered person cancels. the one who no one remembers or talks to enough to notice im falling apart.

im falling apart. i cant keep anything together. its all just broken and im broken and nothing special. I know people care about me. why cant that be enough. why cant i just accept that im annoying and difficult but ppl like me even if no one loves me. why cant i just be content with being there. why do i feel the need to be someone’s favorite person. why do i have to crave being close to humans. i really cant stand humans. im so broken. why did i have to exist. i want someone to just.... i dont know. be close with. care about me. tell me im not broken. but i dont want to have to ask for it. how fucking hypocritical right. to just want someone to just know what the fuck is wrong with me and lie to me and tell me im not broken. No one can know i need help unless i ask for it. and even then I have to help myself out of this. i know that. i was doing so well.

i need to be on meds. i dont want to be on meds. i hate being alive right now. i hate being bipolar and i hate having depression and having anxiety and i hate that im just a financial burden on my family and that no one in my family seems to actually like me. they love me. i know they do. but they dont like me. i want to be liked. i want to find that someone out there. but i hate everyone. how can i want someone to like me when i dont like anyone. I just hate being alive. i wish i hadnt ever existed. i wish i had the courage to just fucking kill myself. I wish i didnt care about all my friends and family i would hurt if i did kill myself.

i wish i had never been born. i wish i was dead. i never wear seatbelts or pay attention to cars on the road yet im so fucking scared of everything hurting me. this is all fucking stupid nonsense. i cant do anything i cant get a job i have no talents or skills i cant even talk well.. i just hurt and annoy and bother everyone.

but people hurt me too. they hurt me a lot. i never get apologies. i always have to apologize. and i hate it. i hate it so much bc when i do get the rare apology i just feel so sick. like i feel guilty for hearing it and i always feel like im doing wrong. i just want this to stop. i can distract myself from some pain but something always hurts. im hungry, im stupid, im annoying someone, i am being a bitch, im angry at something stupid. i hate existing. its so tiring. i hate being me right now. i want to be someone else. i want to disapear. disolve. not exist. i wish i wasnt who i am. i want to be no one and i want to be someone. i wish i hadnt learned how painful oding was. i wish i could just go and take a handful of pills with a shit ton of booze and just drift away. but i know thats going to hurt. and that terrifies me enough to never try it.

nothing works. i go to therapy. i went to group helps. i went to the hospital. i cant do the medication that i need to do because im self sabatoging myself and not taking them. i keep waiting for the better to happen. i know it’s gotten better with time. but its so long. i have never not felt like this. why did i not get help sooner. my mom told me when i was 7 years old i would come to her after school and ask her in tears if i could die. if it was possible to kill myself. why did she not get me help sooner. why was i 15 by the time i started therapy. why did it take untill i was 20 for her to leave my dad. why did i not get any more help. why did she just let me suffer on my own.

#personal #angsty shit dont read lmao #just casually use tumblr as a diary #its fine im sure no one will see this

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