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lightspren · 6 years

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Year End 2017 Wrap Up

I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all, I almost didn’t do one of these for this year because this year has sucked horrifically and I just didn’t see a fucking point. But I’ve done one every year for like, at least four years now, and it’s tradition, and I for some reason feel it’s important, so by damn I’m gonna look back on my text posts from the year and my memories of what I was doing and see what happened this past year.

Jan 2017 - Was beginning my last ever semester of undergrad this month. At this point I still thought I’d be going to grad school hahahah so much can fucking change in a few months. Started my AC sideblog so that’s cool. and even this far back (: we still see me struggling with debilitating pain (: which has been a trend ever since I’ve been doing these year summaries I think, is seeing how bad my pain was throughout the year. jfc. looks like I was struggling with some depression symptoms here too, go fucking figure. I had an interview for grad school too and we know how badly that went…

Feb - Here’s where I decided I thought i might be on the autism spectrum. I now think I was wrong on that self dx, but you know, journeys of self discovery are important and all that. but here’s lots more pain and tired and “brain not working” which was lots of depression symptoms I believe, sigh I let that get bad for a while there. Oh and then I learned I didn’t get into that grad school I got the interview for. so yeah that was Feb in a nutshell l o l

Mar - Breath of the Wild came out this month and dominated my life for a month or two, I still love this game very much and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, ti’s just so good and sweet and lovely. I still haven’t even really beat it LOL and I need to but. still. that’s never been the most important part of Zelda games to me. OOO THO I had beginnings of existential crises this month!! cause I was getting so bogged down in my thesis research and didn’t know if research was what I wanted to do forever and ever anymore!! isn’t that fun!! (it was not fun). but the rest of this month seems like. a whole lot of bitching about pain. paaaain pain pain. like holy jesus bitching about pain. maybe if I printed off all these posts and gave them to my doctors they’d believe I have a problem LOL.

Apr - So I had shitty dr appointments that further hurt my chronic illness identity, and then other Ongoing Identity Crisis because of not getting into grad school and wanting a job in which I could help people. this is the month I in earnest started applying for jobs; research tech jobs mostly, but some adjacent jobs too (don’t remember what exactly). I didn’t branch out very far at this point though cause I was still McFuckin Terrified. and then I realized that I didn’t want to leave hundreds of miles away for work, cause as much as a lot of the culture of southern Appalachia can suck sometimes, it’s still home, /my/ home, and I don’t want to abandon it. I know I freaked out a lot about getting my thesis done and presented this month too bc I was soooOooOOoO unmotivated to do that shit LOL like. whew. did not want to, did not care any longer, but still had to do it.

May - GOT MY FIRST EVER TICKET LOL THAT FUCKING SUCKED SO BAD. sigh. otherwise I was mostly vague as SHIT with stuff this month. I know I graduated, didn’t walk though cause I could not give less of a fuck at that point. I applied for every job I could find that I remotely qualified for that was close enough I was willing to move to. I even had a Skype interview for one, either this month or in April. it fell through, of course.

Jun - One of my very first June posts is “who the fuck am I/how do I become who I want to be” LOL so that identity crisis was still rip roaring obvs. then that time when I tried to explain disability stigma to one of my previous (cishet white male) bosses. Had another phone interview this month for another job I didn’t get lmfao. Pretty sure this is the month where I started applying for mental health case management jobs, like a bunch of them, at different locations all in the company I’m currently in.

July - So I think it must have been around the beginning of this month that I had my first in person interview? I bombed that one hardcore. didn’t stop another location from interviewing me though, and I got a second interview with them, which I then proceeded to fail because I had no prior experience. It was brutal LOL. and the new person started at my old job, and I had to start training her, and that whole situation was just awkward and weird and Undesirable. to the maaax. it was this whole ordeal too where they’d scheduled my last day to be the 28th of July, so that’s what I was planning on and like, focused on… but then it turned out my coworker got national guard orders and had to be gone two months, so instead of having newbie there by herself, they were like (to me) “hey… just wanna… chill for two months longer or until you find a job…” which was admittedly hella cool of them.

Aug - Lots of blogging about pain, lots of general vagueblogging. I did announce publicly on tumblr that I’m intending to convert to Judaism so that’s still cool, and still a thing, even if life has been repeatedly crotch-punching me so I haven’t been able to make much actual progress on it. but then, I had the interview for my current job. that i somehow passed with flying colors. And my asthma started getting worse, and I started getting soooooo so done with my old IT job, but I /got my new job/. ALSO THIS MONTH WE GOT RADS MY SWEET NEW BABY so now our family is made of me, my husband, and two kitties.

Sept - September. Oh, September. started out so innocently, with starting orientation for my new job. I was all starry eyed and hopeful for the new job because I thought that it was a perfect home for me. then I got there. started doing things. realized that I was terrified of trying to meet my new coworkers and learn their dynamics. realized I was terrified of trying to meet my new supervisors/superiors and learn their expectations. realized that in general I just didn’t know the culture of the place at all and that fucking /terrified/ me. and then the job itself, the job itself was something I’d never done before, had no experience in /whatsoever/, had no FUCKING clue what I was doing. I was a fish out of water with no bloody idea where I was going, and hoooboy. I almost quit by the end of September, I truly did.

Oct - tw: miscarriage at end of month I started therapy for my anxiety!!! yay!!!! I had a lot of adapting to work in this time too that I didn’t really talk much about on tumblr too I think. I mean I was learning a lot, I was meeting more of my clients, some even time. I was still terrified, especially of my other coworkers because I didn’t know them or understand them, but even at that, I was learning. [Stop reading if you need to avoid tw miscarriage and skip to Nov.] The other horrifically sucky thing to happen in Oct happened not to me, but to my sister. She’d found out a few months perviously that she was pregnant, at 37 years old. they’d just recently gotten all the genetic testings back and found out they were going to have a girl. unfortunately though, the baby stopped developing at 15w. my sister discovered this at what would’ve been 17w. she had to have surgery to remove the baby. she’s still recovering from this trauma, she’s heartbroken and just. very upset. I’m still upset for her too.

Nov - Last month I was doing ok I think. I was doing pretty well at work, kinda just coasting along but mostly getting the hang of things. Therapy had been helping I think; it’d been teaching me somethings, mostly only small differences but I think having someone to talk to had been helping frankly. Work was going well, and we’d decided to start looking for a house to /buy/ (realtor.com) but hadn’t hired a realtor yet. probably for the best. as it turns out now…

Dec - Fuck you, December. the good news is, my new job’s health insurance kicked in Dec. 1st. which is great, considering I got admitted to the hospital Dec. 7th, a Thursday. the Monday prior I’d tried to pop a zit, no big deal. WRONG. it got infected. not just any old infection, though, oh no. FUCKING MRSA. so I got cellulitis in my face, my whole right side of my face swelled up three times the normal, I got MRSA/pneumonia in my lungs, I had MRSA in my bloodstream. when I came in the ER I had very low blood pressure and heartrate of 130, so I was septic. like. shit was going down. I stayed in the hospital 6 days, and they released me with a PICC line and having to do vancomycin (really strong IV antibiotic) twice a day via the line. I went back to work too early for two days, but saw my PCP on the third day and he put me off that again. /Then the chest pain started/. I assumed it was a side effect of the vancomycin, since back and chest spasms/pain are a listed side effect, but NO, apparently NOT, at least not to this DEGREE. The home health pharmacy, who I called to ask about it, called the on-call at my PCP, who advised to go to the ER to get checked for a “pulmonary embolism.” Doesn’t sound scary at aaaaaaaaaall. Get in ER, go through the whole terrifying ordeal, CT scan, x-ray, shit and shebang - what do you fucking know. I have a septic embolism. very rare. much wow. fuck me. so here I am, once again, in a fucking hospital room, tied up to IV antibiotics, at the end of Christmas day. At least they’re keeping the pain meds going now. Oh at one point my kidney function tried to drop, then it turned out I had a pleural effusion so they drained 550cc (half a liter) of fluid off my lungs (painful as fuck let me tell you). Ended up spedning 5 days total in the hospital, home now, but still in like. the same amount of pain as when I went in. Having to fight with so many things to get medicines sorted and shit. while feeling like shit too. everything is awesome.

So that’s it. 2017. That doesn’t even get into the way 2017 has sucked on a global, non-personal scale, that’s just how it’s sucked on a mostly-immediately-personal scale, and I’ve even left out some of the immediately personal ones I think. and that’s just the shit I remember LOL jesus christ. I really need to do an effigy burning of this year.

#kit being stupid #happy new year #year end 2017

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atttitudeofgratitude · 7 years

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Tuesday, July 18th, 2017

TODAY I CAN: - [x] Daily Word ** GOD IS MY STRENGTH AND VITALITY. I AM RENEWED. - [x] LOVE ❤️ - [x] Meditate 😌💨 - [x] Journal 📚📖🖊📝 - [x] COLORING!🖍 - [x] GLUTES 1 - [x] GLO 🔆 - [x] Happier 2017! - [x] MOVE 🏃🏼‍♀️ - [x] RTA ARTICLE! ** ARTICLES! "WOO HOO!" - [x] STRENGTH 💪🏽 - [x] BBG FULL BODY!🏋🏼‍♀️💪🏽 ** I AM STRONG! 💪🏽 I HAVE STRONG ABS! GOD IS MY STRENGTH! 🎶🙏🏽🙌🏽✝️💪🏽 - [x] DANCING!👯 - [x] STRETCHING - [x] YOGA 🤸🏼‍♀️ 3rd Chakra (Manipura) Navasana, or Boat Pose, helps to stimulate the third chakra. Located at the solar plexus, this posture activates the fire of Manipura and connects us to our center. - [x] GLUTES - [x] FOAM ROLLING Mowing! With my sunglasses 😎 HOUSTON HOME 😇 Houston and R and GOD 🙏🏽🙌🏽✝️🛐✨ Walk with Mum 😇💛✨ TODAY I: - [x] RUN 🏃🏼‍♀️😍❤️💛😊✨ - [x] BBG 🏋🏼‍♀️💪🏽👏🏽 ! FULL BODY! - [x] Daily Word - [x] Happier 2017 - [x] Journey - [x] Article! - [x] Tomorrow - [x] RTA ARTICLES!! - [x] MOW! WITH SUNGLASSES! - [x] Dishes! - [x] Emptied garbages 😊 - [x] **WALKS - [x] Towels! - [x] Tomorrow! - [x] BE GRATEFUL 🙏🏽🙌🏽✝️ - [x] LOVE MYSELF 😍❤ - [x] SLEEP 😴💤 Healing GOD IS MY STRENGTH AND VITALITY. I AM RENEWED. As I turn to my inner center of strength, I activate the healing, life-giving flow of God. I can feel the presence of Spirit at work to nourish, restore, and quicken every cell of my body. I affirm this when I echo Myrtle Fillmore’s words, “God in the midst of us that frees and heals.” Every cell works in perfect harmony, establishing a latticework of strength and vitality. Upon this power-filled structure of faith, my natural balance of health is restored. My mind fills with uplifting thoughts, my emotions lift with invigorating energy, and my body establishes divine perfection of wholeness. From within and moving out, my healing takes place. God is my strength and vitality. I am renewed . Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up quickly. — Isaiah 58:8 - [x] Happier 2017! 3 Ways to Make a Good First Impression 1. Radiate energy and good humor. An upbeat, energetic mood is memorable and infectious. 2. Laugh at yourself. Showing vulnerability and a sense of humor make you more likable and approachable. 3. Remember trait transference. In "trait transference," whatever you say about other people influences how people see you. If you describe a coworker as brilliant and charismatic, or arrogant and obnoxious, your acquaintance will tend to associate you with those qualities. - [x] Journey! Green Beasts Humans do not see what the Lord sees, for humans see what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart — 1 Samuel 16:7 In my attempt to order my world rightly, am I missing out on the deeper blessings of God? Lord, thank You for the imperfections in my surroundings and life, because they keep me from thinking I have it all together and remind me to lean on You. As runners, we have to run a lot. But the way in which we run should include as much variety as possible to promote health and more adaptation. Keep in mind that the AP being tested doesn’t know its distance from the client. It only senses signal strength. So, if an AP is programmed to keep continually searching for a better pattern, it’s going to spend resources essentially saying, “Can I hear you better this way? Nope, so I’ll go back to how I was. Well, how about this way? Nope, back again. How about...?” At such close range, there’s only one best path: direct line-of-sight. Attempting to optimize to anything else is only going to hamper performance, "Transformation and change doesn't happen overnight. I set myself goals as time went on. Initially it was weight loss and then it moved to building strength. Working out is my Happy Place. I feel strong and fearless and that is what I love the most about the journey of keeping fit. Don't let the failures get you down. Use them to set new goals and what you can achieve is endless." "You are your greatest asset. When you take care of YOU, your life takes care of itself." 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 Amen. Take care of yourself because YOU deserve it! Been in a bit of a creative rut lately...haven't posted because I haven't really traveled anywhere exceptionally "photo worthy". But I think I've been neglecting to see the beauty in the every day and in the routines and the simple things. So here's to pausing to appreciate and enjoy my surroundings, whether I'm seeing it for the first time or I've seen it a thousand times before-- there is always something to behold Your life is your message. Live it the way you want to. 💋 💛✨🌎 Open hearts see love everywhere 😍 Gratitude is one of the most effective heart openers. TRY IT! For the next week, begin each day with a grateful heart, and notice how that beautiful heart energy radiates into the rest of your life; "You can't expect to receive all that is beautiful and good in life with a closed heart." ~Joe Duncan This journey is as much mental as it is physical ☀️ I'm in the best shape of my life. And it's all because my soul is happier 💕 Just remember, you may not always see the physical changes but the mental changes are there too! When we invited God to transform our minds, He will. — Tracie Mills When we allow negative thinking to take up residence in our minds, our thoughts will become an obstacle to our obedience. Pessimistic thinking — whether about our life, our self-worth or our abilities — will always stand in the way of following God’s call on our life. Intentionally choosing to put aside negative thoughts about ourselves or assignments God gives us empowers us to stand strong when the enemy tries to thwart our efforts. ** When our thoughts are positive, our hearts will be too, and obedience will more naturally flow. we rejoice in this glorious truth: “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Eph 1:7) ✝️ "For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time — to show us his grace through Christ Jesus." -‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:9‬‬ When your ship comes in, don't let doubts like "IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE" push it back out. Instead, always receive it with appreciation. Tell it, "I have been expecting you and I'm so happy you came!" Imagine a cookie jar. Now imagine that every obstacle you've overcome, every difficulty you've faced, every time you failed before you reached a goal and every lesson you've learned- all of those things are cookies filling up the jar. And so the next time you are in a place that's uncomfortable and you think you can't possibly keep going, you reach in the jar and grab a cookie- "The cookie jar is the inner reserves of strength and faith we have to draw from in our darkest moments. The more life experiences you have, the bigger the cookie jar and more you can pull out and feed on in that moment of truth, when you're bruised and bleeding and it looks like you'll never finish the race; whether it's a work assignment, a semester at school, or a quest to get in shape and lose weight. The contents of the cookie jar are what give us that extra fuel to bring it just when we need that last burst of energy and focus." The real gift of gratitude is that the more grateful you are, the more present you become. Treat the present moment as refuge from the story lines of your past and future. No matter what is going on around you or in your mind today, PAUSE in gratitude and sip in the life that the present moment contains. Inhale slowly savoring the sweetness, and on the exhale repeat: "Thank you for this whole and perfect moment."

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