#i'm just so exhausted and generally discouraged and it's the MOST first world of situations but i may never get

[xcziel]

.

#this year is just the weirdest christmas vibe i've ever had goning on #i have all the stuff for a hallmark-y christmas: it's cold for once on christmas eve! i have a kitchen and a bare tree #but family is overworked and stressed and and i'm sick and worn out from retail so no visiting or sharing baking #so no reason to bake or decorate - even though i fully have the ability! the things are sitting out i am looking at them #but i just want to bury in the bed and read sad or schmoopy fanfic instead #i just can't get in the mood and it's so disappointing bc i remember loving having like #christmas music on and singing along and baking and i never could do much in my apartment bc of it being so small etc #and now i have a full big kitchen counter and could have the tree i always wanted and play christmas cartoons loudly #and it wouldn't bother anyone and there's lights up in the neighborhood i could go see but #i'm just so exhausted and generally discouraged and it's the MOST first world of situations but i may never get #another chance to have a christmas like this and who knows where/how i'll be next year ... #maybe it's really just the not being able to bake - like i don't even really feel like it but i still get sudden impulses #and it's like nope no family to cart tins of cookies to - can't take them or cake to work bc don't want to risk people getting sick #tempted to just force myself into christmas spirit but then the apathy just rolls back over me #i'm so worried about my bil and sister who are stressed bc if medication shortages #and all y'all who are suffering power outages and winter weather onslaught and stressful weekend plan changes #and seasonal overwork and all that entails i'm worried for you also and wishing for everything to be better and go well for you #it just feels like everyone's having an anxious exhsusting holiday season this year and i would like so much better for us #than just 'making it through' #ugh now i'm making myself sappy and teary again #whatever - anybody bothering to read this just know i wish you warmth happiness and joy however they may come to you #hug your loved ones if you can love on your pets eat something for a treat and look at some pretty lights this evening #i maybe am gonna light some candles and put on music and see if my sis wants to call or facetime later #but first my rx are finally filled so i have to go fetch them #happy holidays whoever reads this - mutuals i love you and wish you the best may your evening be merry and bright #or at least warm!