#idk idk how to explain it any further because ive spent a fucking hour on this post and i have a massive headache so feel free to ask me--

[relaxxattack]

every time someone calls moirallegience just an alien qpr i wilt a lil like YEAH thats more or less the CLOSEST human thing but its also Literally Not That. like a qpr is fundanmentally not romantic and thats not even going into moirails whole Actual Purpose of calming ppl down. its just. aughhhhh pisses me off i see the confusion but, as aformentioned, aughhhhh

OH MY GOD THIS HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME TOO.... but i don't want to get petty at the people in my notes always saying "moirails are QPRs!" because in some ways that is the closest human thing so it's hard to be mad...

i think there's definitely some overlap in some ways. but NOT because moirallegiance and qprs are the same at all really, but INSTEAD because both relationships have unconventional boundaries defined by the people within them.

you know... like every relationship.

like the only reason the two have overlap is because they are both partnerships that emotionally care for each other but can choose to not bang (which is true for any romance anyway, even if it's considered abnormal). they're both just romances* that are unconventional to human norms, which makes people view them as the same thing when they're not.

i think the REAL issue here is that humans insist on using human words to understand things that are just, fundamentally, alien. can't we just appreciate alien romance for being... alien romance?

no, it's not platonic, it's romantic. it's just romantic in a way you aren't quite wired to understand, is all.

*in generalization, most QPRs are not romantic, because they are made up of aroaces who are life partners in a non-romantic way. however i want to disagree with you that none of them are romantic, because that is up to the partners in question.

#quadrants #homestuck #moirallegiance #BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR SO LONG OMG THANK YOU FOR THE ASK #its just i USED to think they were the same #and then recently i kept getting pissy when people said they were the same so i was like. okay let's unpack this #what's the overlap here and what's the differences? #and really people THINK theyre the same because they think theyre both like. 'im gonna platonically marry my friend!' ^w^ #(which is obviously not actually what either of them are like. lol) #when REALLY what they have in common is 'hey you're a person i want to have a committed partnership. but potentially not sex or tradition' #and it's not really fair to compare them because they come from totally different places and have totally different standards #QPR was created as an ALTERNATIVE to allonorms. its about saying 'hey lets make up our own rules. my life partner can be platonic if i want #whereas moirallegiance IS a norm and its not counter any culture. it's just 'trolls have biological romantic feelings/needs in This way.' #idk idk how to explain it any further because ive spent a fucking hour on this post and i have a massive headache so feel free to ask me-- #more specific questions if the shit i said here doesnt make any sense (；￣ー￣).. #<- wow haha the troll fictive autism really jumped out with this post huh. whoops #hsmeta #long post #op

[abcmerpaderp]

reunited

so i locked myself out of this account awhile back, and i realize i [mostly] come here when i’m at my lowest. at first it was a good idea for me to not remember my password so i wouldn’t be able to come back here an reread my old posts & whatnot. Now that i’ve regained access and start briefly looking back at my most recent posts, i cringe and couldnt even continue to scroll down anymore.

and so why did i feel the need to come back? the last time i wrote in here wasn’t even that long ago, it was at the end of winter quarter of my junior year.now i’m near the end of my fall quarter of my senior year, still within 2017 but for some reason i felt like so much has changed and i’ve faced some of the biggest difficulties within these past few months that broke me down to the core. i feel like the strong foundation i built myself from the winter quarter of my 1st year to now is completely shattered. i’ve been in a really vulnerable place these past few months and it’s been incredibly hard for me. it’s hard for me in that i feel the need / and have the only option of supporting myself -- with my job and the position i’m in, i’m expected to be a pro at counseling, a pro at mastering and encompassing all healthy habits of self-care, self-love; with what i study, there’s nothing else i should know better than mental health; and with everyone’s perception of me as the happy, optimistic person -- all of these makes it so hard for me to seek solace in others. 

and so with that, i became that same person that i started college with -- a person that kept everything to myself, because i felt embarrassed, ashamed, weak, and there’s nothing i hate more than being vulnerable and weak around so many successful, productive people. 

i don’t even know where to start because these past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and me just digging deep and writing it all out isn’t going to be as easy as i thought:

1. my backpack was stolen

-- my backpack, which had everything valuable to me -- my laptop, my wallet, etc. was stolen during my second-to-last, yet most successful, thousand dollar event that i hosted and worked sleeplessly on. i was scared because all my shit was stolen, but i was also sad because my laptop, which costed my $780 (covered by a scholarship) had a lot of memories on it that i didn’t upload to an external source. now, this sounds toxic and unhealthy, but i’m a person that keeps all memory keep-sake things, even if some of them were related to past relationships/friendships. so, in that laptop, i had a lot of pictures from a brief, happy yet toxic period that i had with someone who’s important to me. i never uploaded the pictures onto any social media, and i never thought to use google photos, and now all those pictures/memories from those 4 months are gone. i think about it in that it’s a good thing because it was such a toxic period and i deserved better, but i woud still like to have those pictures with me. second point, my mom’s fortune teller knows this very well about me, but i’m a person that stresses day & night over finances. i’ve called my mom crying about the stress of college, LA, etc so much over these past 4 years. trust me, i know i’m lucky than others because essentially, in the end, i am and have had the opportunity to be in LA for the past 4 years, but there’s been a lot of emotional baggage/ guilt that i’ve felt knowing that my parents do everything [which may include lying] to give me the ease of being here -- every year, my dad would tell me about all the new cars that come out and asks me if i needed a car yet and that he’s been having enough/been prepared to get me a car and that i shouldnt worry about anything; he would ask me if i needed more money to spend, and if i did, he was just a few phone calls away; he would tell me that if i ever missed home, to just buy a plane ticket home regardless of the price. however, my parents know i’m hardheaded and they know that i refuse to use their money and all the money i’ve been using these past 4 years have been my own. it wasn’t until my laptop was gone that i had to ask my parents for help. everyone told me “just get a macbook, it’s worth it” yadiyaya, but bruh, if i could afford a macbook for the beginning of college, i probably would. i woul get a macbook in a heartbeat. when i hd to buy my second laptop, i bought a PC first because it was cheaper, and after my parents spent hours lecturing me, telling me to stop being cheap and stingy and hardheaded, that they said they would “lend” me money to just buy the most up-to-date apple laptop (of course, i didnt cus that shit is 1k+) idk, this is hard to explain in words but there was a lot of pain in the fact that i had to buy a new laptop because i was basically wasting 1000 that was unnecessary and stupid. it just broke my heart and it’s unfair because i’ve never never never stolen anyting from anyone; i’ve never stolen anything from a store, and i dont know what the fuck i did to deserve getting my backpack stolen. it just breaks my heart because im a firm believer of karma and as much as i do have anger for people, i never wish the worst for people. alot of things also spiraled from my backpack getting stolen. i lost my passport even though i was leaving the country in 6 weeks and bitch i needed my passport. so my passport was another $200 that i had to drop and a lot of traeling to the passport agency to have to deal with. idk there was a lot of bullshit tied to my backpack getting stolen and i was just at my lowest point and ready to go home for that quarter.

2. my grandpa passed away. and oh my god, i honestly don’t even know if i can write about this. yes, i know, people pass away -- it’s a part of life. but for me, it was just incredibly incredibly difficult and all the memories from that week were so vivid -- i was full of fear, sadness, regret, shame. it’s very hard for me to go into detail right now because it’s still very sensitive to me, but i just want to say i’m really grateful for my grandpa and all the things that he did for me when i was younger. he took care of me while my parents were at work, him and my grandma would take me to the bus to school. my grandpa knew no english what so ever, yet he bought me a fisher-price toy that had the alphabet, and i would press on each letter and it would tell me the letter and a word example for that letter; he bought me paper and pens to let me draw and practice my abcs; he bought AND MADE toys for me because my mom didn’t believe in buying us toys; and i never realized how important and relevant it is until now, but he was a preacher, he was a narrator, and he always, always talked about his history, his stories about Vietnam, and how how how important it was for kids to know history and for kids to go on with education. and look where i am, from high school to now, i’ve always been involved in SEA stuff and i never realized how much my grandpa played into that. and now, i teach others of the importance of knowing our parents/grandparents histories and teaching others how education for us allows us to uplift our community. there’s a lot more i have to say but him passing away was hard and continues to still be really, really hard for me. i cried probably every week in japan, and on his 30th day, i did praers in japan, i called my mom crying tell her what to tell him, i told jimmy what to tell him for me. i wished i could have been there for him, and i’m really really angry at myself that i couldn’t. and even when i couldnt be there for him, he still visited me while i was in japan. he told me even when i’m incredibly stressed, he told me that everything will be okay and that i’ll be able to get through it. i couldnt be there for him when he needed support the most, yet he’s still able to be loving and supportive enough to reassure me. gong gong, i’ll always hold my childhood memories with you deep and close to my heart.

3. a slap into reality -- me thinking i’ve been the best version of myself, the good and supportive friend to all my friends only to realize i’ve been nothing but full of myself and my own illusions; me realizing the terrible person that i actually have been and my lack of awareness and sensitivity to those around me. how tf am i a counselor if i can’t even be there for my friends? me wanting to be there for everyone, while also being scared to reach out and ask the hard questions or even taking the first step. this further led me to being more disappointed in myself -- not being there for my grandpa, not being there for my friends -- how can i say i want to help/support others when i’m the biggest culprit in hurting those around me? 

4. and then there’s me, being vulnerable, and letting others care for me only to realize that i should have never let anyone care for me in that sense to begin with; i’m better off carrying my own emotional baggage than letting someone know my emotional baggage, then disappearing and realizing that my baggage with them was just dumped into the dumpster. please do not let me open up to you, do not let me tell you about my insecurities, do not allow me to trust you, do not allow me to cry to you, do not let me do/share my happy things/activities with you if you’re not going to be in my life for the long run. (this has always been a problem for me, and i know ive been trying to work on it but it’s so hard) but one of my biggest flaws?? idek what to call it -- but one of my biggest things is that i don’t let myself be loved; i dont let others care for me or show me any affection. sure, maybe a piece of that has to do with the fact that i feel undeserving of love (i know, i know, i need to love myself and realize my worth yadiaya, but it ain’t easy) but it’s also because if i let you into my life, i’d do my best and exert all my energy to support you, make you happy, etc (even though, going back to point #3, i’m clearly not good at it). i put so much work into building a wall between me and the world, so please don’t make me tear down years of hard work for something/someone that is just only temporary. and if i start opening up to you, and you start seeing the emotional wreck that is my life (yeah i’m a wreck to others, but to mself, i’m a work in progress so w/e) and you can’t handle this beautiful mess, then just walk out as soon as possible. do not stay because you feel sorry or you feel the need to help me, because trust me, you’re only making things worse. i open up to others and let others in on the wreck of my life not because i expect others to fix me or help me, but to just have someone on the sidelines to cheer me on and be like girl, you is doing good making progress making a beautful work of art etc. it’s like how i love to support people at their dance competitions/sports games/drama or music performances because i know they worked hard on what they’re passionate about, and at the end of all their hardwork, they want to share with others the beautiful artwork that they’ve worked so hard on.  i dont got no talents (lmao) but something i’m struggliing with but still am working on is myself -- and you know at the end of the day, at each tiny milestone that i reach, it’s nice to know people are in the audience cheering me on or taking me out on breaks to rejuvenate myself so i dont overwork myself. so all in all, dont come into my life if youre not gonna stay for the long run. it’s too much energy on my part to break down my walls for others. but you know what, it’s okay because i’m getting better at goodbyes *cue Sam Smith -- Too Good at Goodbyes* <-- you dont know how many times i’ve listened to this && have cried to this bc it’s so good.

I know you're thinking I'm heartless I know you're thinking I'm cold I'm just protecting my innocence I'm just protecting my soul

I'm never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts So I'm never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt

I'm way too good at goodbyes

also, because of all of this, i don’t let anyone, not even my roommates or my closest friends, show any sort of affection/care/love towards me. period. those who are close to me know that i don’t like/do hugs, but it’s gotten worse after this. hugs trigger me. hugs are deceiving. they can feel so real and warm but leave you so cold the next moment. i shiver / sweat when people hug me because it reminds me of the times i get close to people and had to relearn time and time again that i’m not one to get affectiontely close to others. there were two instances where i was really out of it/sad and my roommate hugged me. at the moment of the hug, i felt nothing, but as soon as he let go, i went down this spiral and just started crying omgg; and then a second time with my other roommate, she hugged me so warmly, and i pushed her off and said “no, hugs trigger me please don’t” and i walked out of the room (lol). but i can’t explain this people so i gotta forcibly do the world’s most awkward hugs to everyone around me. but if i’m really close with you, i’ll hold your elbow -- thats my way of showing others im grateful for you in forms other than a hug. 

wow who knew writing could relieve so much. here’s to my roommates for giving me space and not questining me while im crying and typing on the sofa at 4 am. but here’s to hopefully being one step closer in getting over these rough mountains.